Nick/Justin - post-band 3

Justin was panting too hard to say anything at all, even though he hadn't really been the one to exert himself. All Nick could do was continue to nuzzle him and stroke him and wait for Justin to come back to himself enough to respond.

"That was ... I wasn't expecting that," he said finally, his hand gentle on Nick's head now.

"What, the orgasm?" Nick smiled against Justin's skin, not looking up at him. "*That's* not very flattering. Thought I'd be bad at it?" He petted Justin's thigh, curled on his side by Justin's hip, where he'd landed.

Justin laughed suddenly, which was *such* a relief. "No, no, I was pretty sure you'd be good. I just ... " he tried to tug Nick closer, so they were face to face. "I didn't think it would happen quite like that. I kinda figured we'd be naked."

"You're almost naked," Nick pointed out, grinning up at him finally, relieved to see nothing but pleasure on Justin's face. He let himself be tugged up, until he was stretched out beside him. "And...god. I didn't have time. I just...I wanted it to be good for you. Right away, like you wanted." He peeked at Justin carefully, watching his face for any signs of panic.

"It was great," said Justin with a happy sigh, curling a hand around the back of Nick's neck. "I would be even better if you would pull these pants right off me. Um. And yours, too."

"I can do that," Nick said, desperate to get out of his pants now that he wasn't concentrating on Justin any more. He'd lost some of his urgent edge, but really, that wasn't saying much. He tugged Justin's pants down, was briefly stymied by his shoes, but soon had Justin bare and smiling at him, all sprawled out on his carpet. He wasn't sure if it was the Jack or the situation, but he had a feeling it was all a dream, and his head was spinning.

Justin closed his eyes for a moment and stretched and Nick just about stopped breathing, he was just so spectacular. Age had just improved that body of his, as far as Nick was concerned. "Those pants *can't* be comfortable right now," he murmured after a moment, and Nick realized he'd stopped pulling them off to stare at Justin's body.

"Sorry, distracted," he mumbled, looking away with an effort. "They aren't." He turned away a little, just sober enough to wish the lights were lower, and tugged at his pants until they came off. "Um." He was half-sitting, braced on one hand, hoping for the best. "What...are you...should we..." He shook his head, mouth suddenly dry.

Justin was already reaching for him, saving him the burden of finishing that question. "I just want to touch you," he said, running his fingers down Nick's side and over his abdomen, then brushing them over the length of Nick's cock. "I've never actually touched someone else's before."

Nick sucked in air and held it, and slid slowly to his back when his arm wouldn't hold him any more. "You can touch whatever you want, do whatever," he said, his voice thin and high. "It's...it's probably a lot like yours. Overall." He arched his back up, wanting more of Jusitn's hands on him, more more more.

"Yeah, I've seen quite a few," he said, talking an awful lot more now. "And they're pretty much all the same. I mean, sure, some are bigger and some are smaller and some are longer and some are thicker, but generally they're pretty much all the same. So I bet they all respond the same, too." Then he curled his fingers around Nick's cock and gave it a slow, firm stroke.

Nick fisted the carpet and couldn't quite swallow his moan. His eyes were wide open, watching the muscles in Justin's arm move as he touched him. He couldn't look lower or he'd come on the spot. "I...yes," he finally choked out. "They do. Mostly. Jusssstin," he hissed, "oh, do that again, just like that..."

"Or should I do it different?" asked Justin, moving a little more confident this time. "There's stuff I could try, I think ... " Then he ran his thumb over the bundle of nerves near the head of Nick's cock, sliding smoothly through the lubrication that Nick had already produced. "Like that."

"huh" Nick's breath left him in a gasp as every muscle in his body tightened, nerves sparking up his spine and down his legs and to his fingertips and toes. "Oh you beautiful little fucker, you talented thing, do that, yes, just...please..." He was babbling and clutching at the rug and Justin's thigh and shoulder and anything he could reach, twisting his hips closer to Justin's hand. He'd have rugburn on his heels, but he couldn't bring himself to care. "Please, more," he whimpered, trembling on the edge.

"Oh, I'm not stopping," said Justin, still babbling, still talking through the whole thing. It was a good thing Nick loved the sound of his voice. "This is ... you're right, it's the same, mostly. Like, I like it when people do this," and he began stroking a little faster, short little strokes that focused on the upper half of Nick's cock, and ran his thumb smoothly over the head, ending on that bundle of nerves again and teasing it right to the edge of too much.

"Okay, gonna, J, you might wanna..." Nick ground his teeth together, holding on by the thinnest thread, which snapped when Justin tightened his hand on a downstroke. Nick's hips came up off the floor, the muscles in his back straining into the arch as he came, delicious pleasure blurring his vision and making him scream. Justin held on, going still, and Nick could feel himself pulsing against Justin's palm, shuddering and thumping his heel against the floor.

"Yeah, it does that to me, too," murmured Justin, his voice soft and awed now as his hand slowed and then stopped along with Nick's pulses. "Wow."

"Wow," Nick echoed weakly, subsiding back to the floor and panting. "That was...wow. You are amazing." He smiled at Justin, reaching out to touch his cheek, unsure where they stood. "Are you okay? Can we move to the bed? Once I can move again?"

Justin pulled his own hand back and stared at it for a moment. "We should clean up first, though," he said softly. "I think. This'll be cold and sticky soon. Then bed, yeah. Then definitely bed."

"But you're okay?" Nick insisted, curling his hand around Justin's nape and holding him still. "You have to tell me, cause I'm dumb and drunk and I can't tell. You're good?" He touched his own sticky belly, wishing for a washcloth, but needing Justin's answer more.

"I'm good," said Justin, smiling just enough for Nick to notice it. "I just came, of *course* I'm good. This is good. Do you want me to get something to clean you up? Because I can." He yawned widely and sat up and smiled at him again.

"Okay. I'm gonna believe you because you smile so pretty," Nick informed him, sitting up as well and reaching for his discarded shirt. "I can get something. I'm the host, you're the guest, you should be basking still and letting me pamper you. Plus I know where everything is." He brushed Justin's cheek one more time, before pulling his shirt over his head and standing up, bracing on still-wobbly legs.

"You sure you need that shirt?" asked Justin, sitting up the rest of the way and pulling his knees to his chest, effectively hiding the rest of himself from view. "You're not going far, after all ... "

"Habit," Nick shrugged, bracing himself against the wall until he got his bearings. "You never know who's gonna bust into your hotel room." And next to Justin's lean elegance, even his drunk mind could tell he didn't measure up. "I'll be *right* back. Please don't go anywhere, I want to kiss you, but I can't till I brush my teeth, and, god, wanna be in bed with you..."

"No, wait," said Justin, tugging at the hem of his shirt so he couldn't go anywhere. "You can ... you can kiss me, before you go. I don't mind. Actually ... I want you to."

"I've got blowjob breath," Nick warned, wavering, looking down into Justin's eager face. "Oh well." He couldn't deny him anything, not now, and he crouched down, only wobbling a little, and cupped Justin's face in his hands. "Hi," he whispered, before kissing him gently, just a brief touch of mouths that shivered him with its sweetness.

"Hi," breathed Justin when Nick moved away again, smiling a bit more widely now. "I knew what I was getting when I asked you to kiss me. You don't need to give me a disclaimer."

Nick tilted one shoulder in a half-shrug, embarrassed. "I just, some people don't like that, is all. I didn't want to be gross." He stroked Justin's cheek with a thumb, before pushing up to his feet again. "Now I'm *really* getting that washcloth. Otherwise I'll stick to you when we crawl into bed and I get to squeeze you."

"Yeah," said Justin, staring at his hand again like it was an alien thing. "It's really time to wash up, I think. We want to be comfortable, after all. There's nothing worse than a wet spot."

"C'mon." Nick suddenly didn't want to leave Justin sitting there naked on the floor, with his head all full of...thoughts. "Come with me. Twice as fast, and I won't be lonely. We don't gotta worry about the wet spot, though, it's on us. And on the floor. We'll be comfy, my bed's nice."

"I know all about your bed," said Justin, smiling up at him as Nick helped him to his feet. With his *other* hand. "So that was okay, then? What I did?"

"It was amazing." Nick held still for a moment, remembering how amazing it really had been. "It was wonderful, you blew the top of my head off. It's really hard for me to believe you hadn't done that before. I mean, you have, of course, but not...you did just right." He clung to Justin's hand. "Just did the things you liked, and god, I liked them too."

"Lucky for me, then," he said after a long pause. Then he gave Nick another soft, closed-mouthed kiss. "Lucky for me. Now let's get cleaned up."

"Lucky for *you?*" Nick shook his head, disbelieving, even as he led the way to the washroom. "I'm the lucky one, here. I got to suck you, and you touched me, and my head's still kinda spinny, I think." He sat down on the edge of the tub with a little stagger, reaching for a washcloth. "Quick, before you get all cold," he smiled up at Justin.

"I really never thought of sucking me as a priviledge, really," murmured Justin as he held out his hand. "I think that was another lucky break, on my part."

"It was definitely a privilege," Nick answered just as softly, handing over the washcloth and watching with a hunger that never really seemed to stop, as Justin started cleaning his hand, and thigh, and other places Nick hadn't really known he'd reached. "You're so beautiful. Just getting to look at you is...not to mention touch..." He shook his head at himself and laughed wryly, wetting another cloth for himself. "I'm such a dork."

"No more than me," said Justin, making sure every bit of him was washed off before they crawled into bed. "I don't even know what to say, Nick. I'm gonna make a fool of myself if I say *any*thing, I think."

"You're not at all a dork," Nick said, waving the washcloth helplessly before sliding it under his shirt to sop at his belly and thighs. "You're...there's no way you could make a fool of yourself. You're being so...you're so calm." He smiled at Justin, so he would know it was a good thing. "I'm a babbling idiot, and you're calm and composed. I think we're backwards."

Justin dropped his cloth in the sink and reached for Nick's shirt. "I don't get why you didn't just take this off again," he said, tugging it mid-way up Nick's chest. "It's just me, here."

Nick bit his lip hard, but let Justin pull his shirt off, unwilling to make it a big deal. "I'm almost done," he said, standing and turning away a little, scrubbing quickly and dropping the cloth back into the sink. "Okay, bed. Yes? It's easier, there, where we can...crawl under the covers and get all comfortable."

Justin stopped him, though, turning him back and running his hands all over Nick's chest and stomach and sides. "I still don't know what to say," he admitted. "I'm kinda hoping this is doing the talking for me."

Nick held himself still under Justin's touch, biting his lip again. This was so much harder when they weren't in the heat of the moment, though he felt that warm tingle start again when Justin's fingers traced his hipbone. "You don't have to say anything, if you don't want," he said softly, reaching for Justin's hand. "You're very brave. Come to bed with me, please?"

Justin took his hand and squeezed and nodded his head. "You ready?" he asked, though it was pretty obvious already that they both were. "I ... I feel like I should apologize, Nick. For saying all those things about waiting and taking it slow and then ... then just practically jumping you anyway."

Nick gaped at him, squeezing his hand back because he didn't know what else to do. "You're apologizing for that? For the most wonderful...oh, don't be silly." He tugged Justin closer, then out of the bathroom, backing towards the bed. "Believe me. After the way we were dancing at the club, if you *hadn't* jumped me, or let me jump you, or whatever, I would have...I don't know, but it would have been ugly."

"I mean, for the dancing, too. For not staying in control and doing this like we planned, so that it would all work out right. So ... sorry. For what it's worth. It just kinda happened."

Nick slowed by the bed, feeling his stomach clench nervously. "You...you don't think it can work out right? I think it can. Don't be sorry, please, don't, I'm not. It's...I wasn't in control either, but you do that to me, but it *can* work. We can make it work." He clutched Justin's hand, pulling him tight to his body, feeling the slip of soft skin against him. "Don't you think?"

"I'm just saying," said Justin, resting his chin on Nick's shoulder for a moment. "That we had a plan for that and I didn't follow that. And of course I'm not saying that it can't work, I'm just saying ... I don't know what I'm saying. Let's forget I said anything."

"No, no," Nick insisted, wrapping his arms low around Justin's waist. "Remember, you said that when you have sex sometimes on the rebound, that you freak out and run away and then things are bad? And I said that if the person knew about it before, that they would understand and help and maybe it wouldn't happen? I still think that. I'm not gonna let you go."

"Well, good," said Justin. "I didn't know you were so sure about that. I don't *want* to go either." He lifted his head. "So ... we should get into bed now. We're catching a breeze her and my ass is getting cold."

Nick chuckled, and tumbled Justin down on the bed, holding him in his arms as he burrowed them both under the sheet and blanket. "There you go, prince Justin. Is the royal ass warmer now?" He slid a careful hand over the ass in question, unsure how much he was permitted, now, but much more comfortable now that they were covered. "It's a nice ass. I'd hate for it to freeze off, or anything."

"Yeah, it's no good to either of us if it's frozen off," agreed Justin. "And I'm pretty sure that, eventually, we're going to be using it. Just not yet."

"No, no, of course not," Nick said hastily, removing his hand. "Nothing you don't want, not yet, I wasn't pushing, honest." He touched Justin's hair instead, even more hesitantly. "Are you okay with all this? *I* should be the one apologizing, going so fast, letting things go so far."

"I didn't think you were pushing," Justin assured him. "I was liking that, actually. We didn't really ... I mean, we *did*, but it wasn't ... it wasn't too much. It wasn't anything I didn't know how to do. I didn't think we were going to start that way, but I'm glad we did."

"How did you think we were going to start," Nick asked, curious, rolling to his side and bringing Justin with him, so they were nose-to-nose. "How did you imagine it being? Was it different because I'm a guy, the way you thought things would go?"

"I didn't know, I guess," said Justin. "I guess I figured it would start with ... sex. And probably in a bed. Which doesn't really suit us at all, when I think about it, but that's what was stuck in my head."

"Well, that was sex," Nick pointed out, a little startled. "There was definitely sex happening. Um, the floor was...yeah, a little unexpected, but no one'll ever be able to tell us we're not spontaneous." He kissed the tip of Justin's nose, watching him blink and unable to resist. "We're in bed now, and it seems to be suiting us just fine."

"Oh, you know what I mean," said Justin. "Just ... typical het stuff. Fucking in bed. With candles, or whatever. And music. Just stuff I would've done before. But this, this is nothing like before, none of it. So I don't know why I figured any of the rest of it would be."

"Do you want candles?" Nick felt his forehead wrinkle up in worry. "There's nothing typical, you know. Every couple is different, het, homo, whatever. We've got lots of time to do all that stuff, and more. Whatever you want, we can do. You get to say how things are too, you know."

"I'm just ... I don't know yet," admitted Justin. "I don't really know what to make of any of this yet. I just know that I want it and I'm going with it, and I'm trying to figure everything out along the way. And I guess that's all I can do."

"Yep." Nick pulled Justin closer, and threw his leg over Justin's, wanting to wrap around him so tight he couldn't get away. "Just go with the flow. I'm easy, as you see, so don't worry *too* much. I'm just happy to get to be with you, anyway I can." He buried his face in the pillow. "Shoot me," he mumbled. "I am such a fucking sap."

"I think I already shot you once tonight," murmured Justin, yawning again. "Or shot on you. In you. Anyway ... I think those drinks are starting to hit me. Sleep now? Talk more in the morning?"

"Bad pun." Nick smacked his shoulder lightly. He wasn't really tired, was too tipsy and stunned still, but he could feel his eyelids droop. "Sleep now, for sure. Sweet dreams, J. Sleep tight. Thank you." He kissed Justin again, eyes closing despite himself.

"Don't thank me for nothin'," mumbled Justin, wrapping himself even closer around Nick. "Don't mean to drop off on you like this, but when the drink hits, it really hits." And that was the last thing he said before he rested his head on Nick's shoulder and drifted off.

* * *

When Nick woke up, light from the open window hitting him square in the face, the first thing he noticed was that he was alone in bed. He'd figured that he would wake up if Justin so much as twitched, let alone left, but alcohol-induced slumber was a bit different than normal sleep. There was a note, though, thankfully in large, dark print and sitting propped against his bedside lamp.

'Having my little freak out. Don't worry about me. I'm probably on the beach. Won't go anywhere. -J'

"Aw shit." Nick sat up, blinking at the blurry clock, the blurry note, the blurry, empty bed. His voice was gravelly in his throat, and his head hurt, and he hated waking up alone. He rolled off the bed and grabbed for the first clothes he could find, yanking on shorts and a t-shirt and padding out of the room barefoot. "Yeah, I won't worry about you, Justin, you moron," he muttered to himself, stopping only long enough to grab two bottles of water before heading out the door and towards the beach.

He could make out Justin's figure long before he got there, sitting on the sand and staring out at the ocean. He didn't *seem* to be freaking out, but Nick couldn't even imagine what was going on in his head. At least he'd left the note, and stayed on the property, though -- it could've been a whole lot worse than that.

He kept quiet as he came closer, stepping carefully in the sand. He couldn't tell if Justin knew he was there; he didn't turn around or acknowledge Nick in any way. "Hey, J." He stopped, a few feet away, unsure of his welcome. "I brought water."

There was a long moment where Justin didn't move, then he looked back over his shoulder and nodded and held out his hand for the water. "Hey Nick," he said, his own voice sounding a little rough. Nick wasn't near enough to determine quite why. "You're up early."

"Not as early as you, huh?" Nick dropped the water into his hand, and settled down to the sand, just close enough to touch if Justin wanted to, not close enough to pressure him, he hoped. "Good morning, by the way. My hangover also says howdy. Are you...how are you?"

"I'm fine," he said, in a tone that suggested that he was anything but. Justin, unlike him, had taken the time to put his glasses on before coming out, and was still staring out at the calm water. Nick wondered what he saw. "Thanks for the water. I've only been out here for maybe an hour. " Only.

"Wow. Really early." Nick edged closer, peering at him carefully. "You, um. You sound kind of un-fine, actually. It's okay, you know, if you are. You can tell me." He nudged Justin's shoulder with his own, offering any comfort he could give.

Justin shrugged and ducked his head a little lower. "I was thinking about Alicia," he admitted quietly. "I didn't figure on you wanting to hear much about that, after last night."

"J, just because we...did that, doesn't mean we're not still friends, right?" Nick nudged him again, dying to put his arm around Justin's slumped shoulders, but not daring to risk the rejection. "I know about it, I've been there. You can tell me, man. I figured she'd be on your mind at some point."

Justin scratched the back of his head and didn't look up. "She's on my mind a lot. Shit, Nick, we've only been separated for a couple weeks. My whole life is up in the air. And I just complicated it a whole lot more, too."

Nick resolutely ignored the cramping in his stomach, and nodded calmly. "Well, of course she is. It's soon. This doesn't have to be complicated, though. Remember, we're taking it slow, just doing what feels good. I don't...there are no expectations here, baby. I want...it should be a *good* thing."

"Sleeping with you last night wasn't slow," said Justin. "Sleeping with a guy, for the first time ... that sure as hell wasn't slow. I don't think there's any way to make this not complicated now."

"Sleeping with you last night was wonderful," Nick said firmly. "J...it's not complicated. I like you and I want you, and last night you wanted me back. It's the oldest story in the world. We...if you want to think about it like this, we didn't do anything you couldn't have done with a girl, right? Don't be scared." He finally couldn't resist, and laid his palm on Justin's shoulder. "It doesn't mean you shouldn't be thinking of her."

"It doesn't feel right, to be thinking of her after being with you. You're nothing alike at all, not even in the most basic or the most trivial ways, except that you're both musical. And that's nothing at all, in the big picture." He took a deep breath. "And I had no right to do that with you last night when I wasn't ready to not think about her and being with her right after. So I'm sorry."

"It doesn't feel right, to be thinking of her after being with you. You're nothing alike at all, not even in the most basic or the most trivial ways, except that you're both musical. And that's nothing at all, in the big picture." He took a deep breath. "And I had no right to do that with you last night when I wasn't ready to not think about her and being with her right after. So I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry." Nick dug his fingers in a little. "Don't. Not on my account. I'm sorry it doesn't feel right, but you thinking about her, that's just natural. It doesn't have anything to do with me-" he hoped "-and it's just...of course you'll think of her. It's okay." His stomach was really knotting viciously, now, but he'd known this was coming, and he wouldn't let it get to him. He'd promised Justin.

"No, I *am* sorry," insisted Justin. "It's not right, you having to put up with me working throught his, and worrying about *our* relationship at the same time. I still have a lot of shit to deal with, about my former life. A *lot* of shit. But at least ... at least wanting to be with you is giving me a push to actually deal with it."

"You never lied to me," Nick said quietly, and dropped his hand back to his side. "You never told me you were free and clear, you let me know exactly where you stood, with everything. So, right or not right, I made a choice with all the information. You shouldn't be sorry, you haven't done anything wrong."

"Yeah, but ... last night. We didn't exactly plan for last night," said Justin. He still hadn't looked at Nick, but at least he'd lifted his head again to resume staring at the open water. "You didn't choose to get mixed up in that so quick, and me with my baggage and my issues. And you with ... knowing who you are and where you're at."

"Sure I chose. I danced with you, remember? I practically tumbled you in my hallway." Nick shrugged a little, following Justin's gaze. All he could see was a big bright blur that he assumed was the ocean. "I *knew* about your baggage and issues, J. Sometimes you can't plan for stuff, you just gotta go with the flow. And we did. It's not...I don't think it's bad."

"I don't know what to think right now," said Justin, but he reached out for Nick and after a moment Nick realized with a start that Justin was groping for his hand. "But hey. I didn't run ... exactly. So that's a good sign."

"Yep. You just wandered a little." He let Justin capture his fingers. "I'd'a never forgiven you if you'd run without at least waking me up to let me try to talk you out of it," he added, half-joking, half-not. "And you don't have to figure everything out right now, you know. You can take some time to think about things."

"I'm going to," agreed Justin. "I need to go home today. Not that I don't, like, want to hide out here and just be with you. But I think I really do need to go home and, well, get some practical stuff done, as well as sort some stuff out in my head. This is all pretty trippy right now."

"I know you do," Nick sighed, wrapping his free arm over his stomach. "Just...I promised I wouldn't let you run, so I'm not gonna, okay? I can't tie you up to my bed, but I can call and stop in and force you to see me, so that the trippy doesn't take over. You made me promise. And even if you didn't, I wouldn't want to let you go."

"I'll call you tonight," Justin promised him, finally -- finally! -- looking at him. "Probably earlier, really. I just really need a little time right now, to get a grip on the whole situation here. I promise I'm not running out on you. I won't be far."

"I'll be at Howie's this afternoon," Nick murmured. "But I won't be home late, they leave right after dinner. You can call me whenever you want, though, I'll have my cell on." He squeezed Justin's fingers tight. "Take the time you need, just don't forget to come back." He bent over his stomach. "You remember your hangover yesterday? I think you gave it to me." Though he'd felt fine when he woke up.

Justin offered Nick his water, even though Nick already had his own. "Sorry, man. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. So hey, don't worry ... I'm not gonna forget you, or forget this, or anything. Just need to work out for shit and as much as I love being with you, it's just not getting done while I'm here."

"Okay." Nick smiled at him, waving away the water. "I understand. We were planning on that anyway, you've gotta call your lawyer and stuff. Yuk. And unpack, which might be kinda fun." He couldn't help remembering Justin pleading to stay the day before, though, in contrast to this, and he felt regret slide through him like a fever.

"Yeah, reality finally hits," sighed Justin. "And when it hits, it hits hard. Almost -- *almost* -- makes me wish for that hangover again. Tell me you'll miss me, a little?"

"I'll miss you a lot more than a little." Nick ducked his head down between his shoulders. "You've been here a couple days now. I think I might be getting a Justin habit. There'll be withdrawal. It won't be pretty at all." He laughed wryly. "You better come back soon and save me from the symptoms."

"Oh, you'll be with your guys," said Justin dismissively. "You'll have a good time. You guys need some more bonding time without me around. And all call; who knows, I might actually get somewhere with my house. Or I might call desperate for you to come over and save me from it. Who knows."

"Who knows," Nick echoed softly. "I hope I'll have a good time. But I wasn't lying." He forced his fingers to relax around Justin's. "I will miss you." He had the slightly panicked feeling that if he let Justin out of his sight, he'd never see him again. "Either way, I can stop by on my way home, just check in and say hi. I haven't seen your house yet."

"Well, you do have the address," said Justin. "I certainly wouldn't object if you wanted to stop by. And you'd probably be welcomed with open arms if you came bearing pizza and beer, by that point. Or you can call first and see if the stress has killed me before you go to the trouble."

"I don't think beer, tonight," Nick said carefully, rubbing his stomach gently. "But I'll still call first, to make sure you're still alive and kicking. I can bring more pie, if you want. But I'll definitely stop by." He tried another smile on Justin, relieved that he was still looking at him. "You wanna...I'm gonna take a shower, I think. I don't smell so good, maybe. Come back to the house?"

"Sure," said Justin awkwardly. "But I should really go right away. The longer I stay, the harder it's gonna be for me to go. And I think I really need to, just for a little while. Just to get my head on straight here so I don't completely fuck things up. That okay?"

"You won't fuck things up," Nick assured him quietly, as firmly as he knew how. "You won't, J. But...yeah, if you need to go, do things, I...that's cool. Give me a chance to nurse my hangover and be dead in private." He shoved up to his knees, paused as his stomach lurched, then made it to his feet. "You can bring the ice cream, for the lawyer call, if you want."

"I'll be all right," said Justin. "At least ... you know, at least I have something to look forward to, for when I'm done with it. Before, all I had to look forward to was a quiet, empty house and a life I had no idea what I was going to do with. I have a lot more now."

Nick peered down at him, unsure how to respond, then smiling a little and extending his hand. "Well, you've got pizza and...Coke, at least. That's something. And you're gonna get a dog, remember? That'll definitely take care of the quiet and empty. And hey, you've got me."

"Well, I'm not gonna get a dog *today*, though," murmured Justin, letting Nick help him up. "But yes, you'll be a big help. And tell the guys ... tell them I had a great time with them yesterday. And thanks."

Nick dropped Justin's hand, stuffing his fists in his pockets as they started to walk. "I will, for sure. I know they were happy to see you, even AJ. I'm sure I'll get more of the third degree today, but that's okay. Brothers." He held the door open for Justin, even though all he wanted to do was bolt to the bathroom and throw up. "Thank *you*. For spending time with me."

"Now that," said Justin, "you know you don't need to thank me for. I'm not bailing on you, Nick, I just ... I need this time. You know where to find me, though. I'm not running away. i promise."

"Okay." Nick smiled at him, and leaned in to drop a quick kiss on Justin's cheek. "I get it, I understand. Now, shoo. Go have your time, unpack your bags, get settled. I'm gonna go stick my head under cold water and brace for this afternoon. No running, nope. I'm not gonna let you, remember?"

"Right," agreed Justin. "Don't let me." He gave Nick a kiss of his own, right next to his mouth, then just smiled and headed for the door with no more goodbyes. And it felt okay.

Nick waved, though he knew Justin couldn't see him, then headed upstairs to get rid of the remaining liquor sloshing around his stomach. He did *not* want to face Kevin and AJ and Howie feeling like this.

* * *

Nick sighed happily as Howie's fingers sifted through his hair, stroking gently and easing his headache. "You can keep doing that for a really long time," he murmured, turning so his head was more comfortable on Howie's lap. "I'm never drinking again. You know it's bad when Advil doesn't make it better."

"I could have told you that," AJ said dryly, then sighed when Nick ignored him. "Nicky, grow the fuck up. The silent treatment's awfully fifth grade for you, don't you think?" Nick just blinked.

"Don't say anything you don't mean," murmured Howie, and Nick couldn't tell if he was talking to him or to AJ. Probably him, though, with his luck. "You want some more water?"

They heard the toilet flush loudly, then Kevn stepped back out, tucking his shirt in and wiping his wet hands on his jeans. "So. What'd I miss?"

"I want more water, yes," Nick said to Howie, ignoring Kevin too. "But I don't want you to get up, so I'll be okay. And I do mean it, I'm never drinking again. This week." He closed his eyes again.

"Oh, lots," AJ snarked to Kevin, from the other couch. "Nick's not speaking to us at the moment, me because I happened to mention Justin's short conversion time in a less-than-respectful way, you because...I'm not sure, but I'm guessing it has to do with the sandwich. Good luck with him, he's being a total infant."

"Oh, for fuck's sake Nick," said Kevin, startling all of them. "How old are you again? And AJ ... don't provoke him. You know better. You know, if I actually *wanted* kids, I would've gone ahead and had my own. I certainly don't need any full-grown ones, I'm done with that."

"I'm old enough to not need to be talked to like a baby, old enough to make my own decisions," Nick shot out hotly, before wincing and biting his lip. Kevin had always been able to provoke him, no matter how angry he was.

"Oh, but Kevin, we're so much fun," AJ cooed at him, moving over to give him space on the couch. "You can't tell me you didn't miss our little dramas. You're the best papa ever!"

"Yeah, yeah," he muttered. "I just don't know which one of you to spank first. Nick ... AJ has every right to be worried about what's going on with you. AJ ... you don't have to be an ass about it. There. My job here is done. Anyone want lunch?"

"I *do* have to be an ass about it, specially if it's gonna get the ass in question a spanking." AJ leered at Kevin, and Nick rolled his eyes. When he was irritated and worried about something, AJ just got more and more outrageous.

"Spank him, leave me the hell out of it. He's just freaking about the flight, as usual, and taking it out on me. I don't want lunch, I have an awful hangover, Howie's trying to help." He pushed his head into Howie's hands, urging him to resume the petting.

Howie did, but he frowned at him, too. "You should eat something, Nicky. Have some more water and then eat something. And *all* of you lighten up a little. Nick knows what he's doing. Right Nick?"

"If Nick knows what he's doing then Nick should *tell* us what he's doing instead of lying about it and then making front page of the tabloids this week, probably," Kevin said before Nick could get a word in.

"Fuck, Kevin, I didn't lie!" Nick winced at how piercing his own voice was, but he was seeing red. "I didn't! He said exactly what I said he said, and then there was dancing and I guess he changed his mind, people *do* that, you know, people who aren't so fucking *rigid* all the time." Justin was still a raw place inside him, and his stomach clenched again. "I'm *not* eating, so don't tell me to," he said more quietly to Howie, wrapping his hands around Howie's ankle tightly. "I'll throw up again."

"Calm down," said Howie, petting his hair. "Calm down, Nick. You need to eat something or you're just going to get sicker. Ask AJ. Besides, you really shouldn't be that sick anymore, you've been up for hours. How much did you *have* last night, anyway?"

"Enough to have upright sex with his boyfriend on the dance floor," said Kevin. "At least he can blame the booze. I don't know *what* AJ's excuse is."

"They don't need an excuse, Kevin," said Howie mildly. "They get to choose for themselves. Remember?"

"We sure as shit do," AJ agreed, smacking Kevin's thigh. "And I wasn't nearly as...well, okay, but I was just playing. You're just jealous. I can play with whoever I want."

"Me too," Nick declared, glad to have AJ on his side. "I had a lot. I don't know how much. Not enough to make me this sick, I thought, but I wasn't paying attention and Justin kept getting me drinks." The empty stomach was his guilty secret.

"Eat," AJ ordered firmly. "It'll cut the acid. At least you went home with somebody last night, let those happy memories sustain you through lunch."

"Eat," Howie echoed him, rubbing his belly gently like he used to. All Nick needed now was for Kevin to say it too.

"Do *not* do this, Nick," he said, which wasn't any better. Actually, it was a whole lot worse. "Haven't we been through this already? I can't stay ... I can't ride your ass and look after you. You have to do it for yourself now, Nicky."

"I can look after myself just fine. I've been doing it for years now, and I'm not dead, right? I'm fine! I just have a hangover, is all." He stretched under Howie's hand, muscle memory still strong even though his head was aching sharply, now, and his eyes were burning with frustrated tears. "It's nothing like before. I don't need you taking care of me anymore, Kevin."

"Jesus," AJ said disgustedly, pushing to his feet. "I'm gonna go grab those sandwiches, Howie, okay? And Nick, you're gonna eat one if I have to tie you down and stuff it down your throat. And that's that."

"Nicky," said Howie as Kevin stood up abruptly as well and stalked off to the other side of the room, staring out the window in his "angry" stance. "You gotta stop this, Nicky. You gotta stop being so defensive around us like we don't know you and can't see through it. It just upsets everyone and makes things worse. I don't want to tell you to grow up, but ... "

"I don't want to be sick," Nick said quietly, just for Howie, hating how young his stupid voice always sounded. "I won't be sick. I don't want you guys to be upset with me, I don't, Howie. I'll eat if you want me to, but I really do have a hangover, I'm not lying. Plus, I'm bringing pizza to Justin's later, so I'll eat there too. But Kevin yelling, that doesn't help." He glanced at Kevin, wondering if he could hear. "I am grown up, I don't need to be yelled at like some little kid."

"I know you have a hangover," said Howie. "I can see how bad your hangover is. And I know that you wouldn't *have* it if you hadn't been drinking on an empty stomach. Because I know you. They wouldn't yell if they weren't worried you know, Nick. About everything that's going on with you right now."

"Like they have perfect lives? Everybody has stuff to worry about, it's not just me. They don't have to worry so *much*. I didn't eat for *one day*. It's not a big deal." Nick hid his face against Howie, not even looking up when he heard AJ return.

"There, food's served. Kevin, get back over here, you're not intimidating Howie's roses. Nicky, crawl off Howie and pull up a plate. We're bonding, remember? Feel the love."

"Yeah, 'cause I'm feeling *so* much love in here," said Kevin as he whirled back around. When he came back, though, the first thing he did was pull Nick into a tight hug, hangover be damned. "You'll always be my little brother," he said before he let go. "And you *don't* always take care of yourself. But I can't make you, Nicky."

Nick clung, even after Kevin loosened his grip. Howie gave comfort, but there was strength in Kevin's hugs. "You'll always be my big brother," he confessed, "and I'll always need your advice. And you're maybe right, and things are maybe really confusing right now, but I think I'm okay, mostly, and you shouldn't worry about me so much. I know I can come to you if I need to, right?"

"I was thinking you weren't remembering that," said Kevin. "Now let AJ feed you a sandwich, okay? Because you know he's gonna be on your ass until he does. Then you guys and kiss and make up and everything will be okay again. He needs to know you're okay, too, and he's really not so sure of that right now."

"Don't speak for me, Kev, Jesus," AJ bitched, but he was watching Nick with worried eyes when Nick glanced at him.

Nick let go of Kevin and settled back beside Howie with a sigh. Strangely, he was feeling better, tension and yelling and all. "Okay. Okay, I'll try, okay? But I don't want him to kiss me." He smiled hesitantly, and then more easily when AJ grinned back.

"Liar. Everyone wants me to kiss them." He rubbed Nick's head gently, then grabbed his own sandwich and sat down by Kevin.

"Not when they've found something better," teased Howie, ruffling Nick's hair gently.

"So last night happened," said Kevin out of the blue. Or maybe not so out of the blue. "And there's nothing we can do about that now. So the least you can do is tell us all about it, Nicky. You've been totally silent on the subject since you got here."

Nick picked at his sandwich with nervous fingers, hunching his shoulders. "Well, you guys saw," he said quietly. "We were dancing, and then we were *dancing*, and there was alcohol. And AJ was a big help, thanks Aje, and then we went home. And did stuff. And then he left. He's thinking about things, he said."

AJ winced, but didn't say anything through his mouthful of food.

"Aw, Nicky," said Howie, his arms suddenly around him again. "You shoulda said. Here we've been all teasing you about it and ... "

"Do I need to go kick his ass?" asked Kevin, pausing with his food halfway to his mouth. "Seriously, do I? Because you know I will, Nicky. He turned out to be a cool guy, sure, but you're still way up there over him in my hierarchy. You okay?"

"If you're not..." AJ said warningly, nodding with Kevin and looking mean. "Seriously. We warned him."

"No, yeah, I'm fine, I think it's all fine," Nick said hastily, though he curled close to Howie again. "It just went a little fast for him is all, he needed to process. He freaked out this morning, kind of, but it was okay, we talked about it. I'm going over there later. We went too fast, I think. I think I scared him a little."

Kevin still looked wary, but at least he nodded and took a bit of his sandwich instead of offering to take a hit out on him or something. Which was a step up from there they'd started this whole thing.

"Well, it's his first time, right?" said Howie carefully. It wasn't really a question; it was more to remind them all of the fact. As if any of them had forgotten. "It takes a while sometimes. You said you talked? Well ... that's good. Just be careful, Nicky. Don't let him break your heart."

AJ rolled his eyes and started humming "I'll Never Break Your Heart," and even Kevin grinned.

"I'll try," Nick said, still smiling. "He's...he's a good guy. Seriously. And we did talk, he didn't just run away or anything, so that was good. Better than I was worried about, anyway. And he's getting a *divorce*, you guys, and I don't have to remind you what that's like. I know it's dangerous, but I can't help it."

"You can help it," said Kevin, giving him a significant look. "You just don't want to. And ... and that's your choice, Nicky, I'm not gonna stop you. You know I just want you to be happy. And *I'm* not convinced that this is going to do it, but I'm not the one that has to be convinced, am I? You certainly seem to be pretty determined, setbacks and all."

"Eat your sandwich, Nicky," said Howie softly.

Nick dropped his eyes and took a tiny bite, chewing slowly and carefully. "I'm not determined. Well, I am, to try, but I know already that it might not work out. I'm not wearing blinders, you know. I'm prepared if it doesn't, but being with him *does* make me happy."

"Just make sure the happy outweighs the sad," AJ put in, unexpectedly earnest. "And you pull back if you need to. Come stay with me in LA, you're always welcome, I'll show you a good time. If it comes to that."

"Or even just come see me, any time," offered Howie. "You don't do that often enough anyway, and it's not like I'm far away, Nicky. If things get rough, just come see me, even if it's just for lunch. Because you're right -- he's just new to this and just getting divorced and the two of you have some history between you in the first place. And you know you don't always deal really well with stress."

"That's like saying I don't deal really well with stalker ex-girlfriends," AJ muttered, but shut up when Kevin elbowed him.

"We don't have so much history, a lot of that was made up, you know that," Nick protested. "I...I haven't had stress in a while, I bet I'm better at dealing with it now, dammit, AJ. Things aren't gonna get rough, we'll head it off at the pass, or something, we're talking about stuff as it happens. It'll be okay, guys. Not that I won't come over for lunch. And remember, we have to go to Justin's housewarming."

"Right, right," said Kevin, watching him a little more warily again. "Okay, Nicky, maybe you're doing better now with stress, but you're not doing *great*. I'm sure you'll be okay, but we want you to be better than okay. We want you to be good, and happy."

"That's my point, about the history," added Howie. "That you had all this stuff that was made up that you *believed*, at least for a while. And no matter what, he'll never be some stranger that you met and fell for. You have years and years of knowing who he is, or was. Or who you thought he was."

Nick clapped his hands over his ears, shaking his head and closing his eyes. "I don't wanna hear any bad things," he said, his voice echoing in his own ears. "I know the bad things already, I think about them, I want to talk about the good things, like that he wants me enough to come home with me last night, and that he wants me to come over tonight, and that he understands me because we grew up the same. Those things. They make me good and happy."

"So be good and happy and finish your damn sandwich," said Kevin, but he was smiling this time. And grabbing what had to be his third sandwich, at least. "I have to admit, he certainly looks like he does like you an awful lot. Especially last night."

"So what are you guys doing tonight, then?" asked Howie. It wasn't a change of subject, but it was as good as one.

Nick dropped his hands, watching them warily, but took another nibble of his sandwich. "I'm bringing over pizza and sodas and helping him unpack and recover from calling his lawyer. I think. Unless he just went home and passed out, in which case, I'm still bringing over pizza and sodas. He's lonely, you know."

"We could tell last night," AJ said, but not too sharply. "You're seeing a lot of him, huh? Try not to be *too* available. Maintain the mystery, man."

"He needs me," Nick objected. "He needs a friend right now. It's okay."

"Nick's right," said Kevin, giving AJ a look. "He doesn't need games right now. You remember how it was, AJ. And Justin has some other stuff on top of that. Just remember to take some time for yourself, Nicky. Not to maintain the mystery, just to keep him from sucking up all your time and space. Everyone needs that. You've still got school and everything, too."

"Oh, shit," Nick groaned, dropping his sandwich back to his plate. "I totally forgot, I've got an econ problem set due Monday. Shit. Thank you for reminding me, I haven't even started it." He shook his head. "I like dating much better than school, even when it's confusing. My teachers don't make out with me."

AJ laughed a little. "Priorities, baby, priorities. Homework, THEN sex. Didn't bus school teach you anything?"

"I was having sex with girls then, it was easier," Nick grumped, leaning on Howie again.

Kevin snorted and shook his head again, grabbing another sandwich. "You were *telling us* you were having sex with girls," he said. "There's a difference. But you know, without the whole performing thing going on, you'd think you'd be able to find a little more time for that stuff."

"He'll make it work," said Howie confidently, and right about then Nick *needed* that vote of confidence.

"I'll make it work," Nick sighed, smiling at Howie. "I just forgot, because it's all new, and distracting, and it's Justin, for god's sake. And I was so having sex with girls. It wasn't very good sex, but I was having it."

"Poor baby. All fixated on one gender." AJ shook his head sadly. "Limited, dude, I tell you. Eat your sandwich."

"Oh, don't you start on that, AJ," said Howie, lifting Nick's sandwich *for* him and handing it over. "This is a conversation we've only had, what, a thousand times now.

"Only a thousand?" said Kevin, watching Nick eat. "Can I trust Justin to look out for you, Nicky? The way *we* look out for you? I don't feel right leaving today if he doesn't ... "

"We'll look out for each other, like boyfriends do," Nick said stubbornly. "Not like you mother hen people. You have to go, you have what's-her-name, Amelie, and family and stuff waiting for you. I wish you were closer, but I'll be fine. I remember how to use a phone, you know. And you should visit more. Both of you, though maybe you should bring a gag for AJ."

"Hey!" AJ flipped a piece of tomato at him. "Watch it, or I'll be moving into your den to keep an eye on you young people. Kids these days, I swear."

"Oh, you know you wouldn't," said Kevin, getting a little smile on his face. Nick wondered if he was thinking about Amelie; he hoped so. Everyone should have someone they could smile like that about. "Nick, you *call* us, okay? For anything."

"I will," Nick nodded carefully, not wanting to aggravate his fading headache. "Not like I'll need to. I bet you'll both have poor Howie hopping to keep track of me. I know you guys. No hiring people to follow me around, though, that's too stalkerish." He grinned at AJ. "And you're not invited to move into my den. If you want to move back here you can get your own damn house."

"Nice." AJ stuck his tongue out. "Wow, it's great to feel welcomed. Seriously."

"Your not moving into my den either," put in Howie. "Though I may be agreeable to putting you up in a spare bedroom for a while if you're really nice to me." He glanced at his watch and then back up at AJ and Kevin again. "You guys have to go soon, huh?"

"Not before one more sandwich," said Kevin, reaching for another. Nick had lost count.

"Jesus, Kevin. Are you pregnant?" AJ watched him with a smirk. "Eating for two? Carrying Amelie's love child? Stocking for the flight?" He shuddered a little. "Ugh. I hate flying. Maybe I'll take you up on that offer, D. Except for the whole tour rehearsal thing, and your ex hanging around sighing like some romance-novel chick. Life sucks."

"Waaaah," Nick deadpanned, and Howie cracked up. "Okay, I ate most of it." He held up the sandwich in illustration. "Can I be done now?"

"Shit, Nick, I was eating more than that when I was, like, five," said Kevin with his mouth full, *then* swallowed. "All right, all right, you can be done. But only 'cause I'm sure Justin's gonna make you eat some of that pizza you're bringing him later."

"And my ex is not like some romance-novel chick," Howie defended himself.

"He swans around this place like a war widow. He's nice and all, but man, the drama. He needs to go find another boyfriend," AJ nodded wisely. "Justin better make you eat. Actually, he shouldn't have to make you eat. I want you to promise."

"I *promise*," Nick said with exaggerated seriousness, pushing the sandwich away, not willing to admit that he did feel a bit better now that he'd eaten. "Believe me, the last thing we're gonna be talking about is my weird eating habits, though. We've got lots of other stuff to get through, more important stuff." He sighed, and tipped back over to Howie's lap.

Kevin brushed the crumbs off his hands and looked at Nick suspiciously, but he let it go. "I'm sure you'll have plenty to talk about. Just make sure you do." Kevin had become such a big promoter of "talking things through" since the divorce; right now, though, Nick didn't need or want to hear another word about it. "And eat," he just *had* to add again as well.

Nick just groaned and buried his face in Howie's side. He didn't want to get into it.

"Okay, okay, Kev, I think the boy's had enough," AJ said, surprisingly. "You can harrass him by phone later. He's dated people before, he knows the drill. You, on the other hand, should be packing, or I'll leave your sorry ass here to miss your plane."

Kevin glanced at his own watch and stood up. "I promised Amelie I'd call when I got back," he said, "I'd better make that plane. I mean, not that I can't call her from here, but ... "

"We get it, Kevin," Howie assured him. "Nick, you gonna hang out here with me for a while once we get rid of the dead weight?"

"I'll show you dead weight," AJ warned, and pounced, landing on Nick *and* Howie, sprawling all over them and grabbing whatever parts of them he could reach.

"OOOF!" Nick's stomach wobbled, but he was laughing too hard to care, and he hugged AJ back as hard as he could. "You're squashing Howie! Don't do that, he has to be alive to hang out with me when you leave us!"

"I'm ... okay ... " said Howie, sounding anything but. "Just ... don't bounce."

"Hey, me too," said Kevin, and for a second Nick thought he was going to leap on the pile and seal Howie's fate, but then he pulled AJ off and pulled Nick up so he could give him another tight hug. "I'm gonna miss you, kid."

"Me too." Nick sagged into his arms, holding him close. "It was so nice seeing you, even when you were being mean and I was being a brat. I miss you, a lot. It's just not the same. I'm busy and stuff, but I miss us being us."

AJ's arms came around them both. "Hey, kiddo. We're not gone, just a little farther away. You ever need anything, I'll be on the next plane, no matter what."

"I miss singing with you," Nick confessed softly. "With you guys."

"Oh, hey," said Howie, gently running his hand over Nick's back. "I know, me too. Next time we get together, guys. Next time. I mean it."

"Yeah, we'll all just show up at Brian's place," laughed Kevin, giving Nick a squeeze. "Then he can't use the kid as an excuse to stay away. We'll put on a little private show. Yeah?" Nick knew the likelihood of it happening were slim, but it was still good to hear.

"Yeah. We can sing all the old songs, and some of the new ones that I *know* we all have, and it'll be good." He sniffled a little. "I love you guys. I want to see you more."

"Well, if y'all fuckers would come to one of my shows, you could both hear the new stuff, and see more of me," AJ said mildly, still holding them. "Brian too. We've gotta get together more often."

"Well, if you'd play a show *here*, maybe we would," said Howie, giving him a punch in the arm. "Actually, I was planning a trip up to New York to see you next month. Nick, you wanna come with?"

"Yeah!" Nick brightened up, pulling away from Kevin and smiling at them. "We should make Brian and Kevin come too, so we can all get together, and hang out backstage with AJ, that's cool, right AJ?"

"You know it. I'll even comp you some VIP passes." AJ grinned, hugged Howie one last time, and stepped away. "It's a date, boys. Now we've gotta go, before Kevin combusts from missing his lady. You guys be good. Howie, keep an eye on him. Call us if you need backup, you hear?"

"We'll be fine," Howie assured him. "I'll keep Nick under this big wing of mine. And that Timberlake kid, too, if it comes down to it. You guys have a safe flight, all right? Call me when you get in, you know I worry."

"*After* I call Amelie," Kevin reminded him with a grin. "All right, let's go before it gets too hard, Aje. Take care guys. Keep in touch. I'll see you soon."

"Bye," Nick said sadly, retreating back to Howie as he watched them go. AJ turned and blew them kisses, waving like Miss America till he disappeared out the door. "Your wing's not very big," he told Howie, looking down at the top of his head. "Nothing of yours is very big. But it's sweet of you to say so."

"Nah, my wing's huge," said Howie, wrapping his arms around him. "You just can't see it. You're gonna be okay, Nicky? You're handling this okay?"

"I'm okay," Nick nodded, hugging him back. "I'm handling it pretty good. Seeing the guys, you all, just when things are so confusing, I can't tell if it helped, but it feels good anyway. Like before, when I'd do something and have everyone around to comment. Okay, not always good." He kissed Howie's head before letting him go.

"When did you say you'd go over to see him?" he asked. "You got time to watch a movie with me first? Relax a little? You know I don't need to tell you you're more than a little wound up right now. And I'm not pushing, but I'd like to see you eat a litlte more, Nicky."

"We'll see," Nick said, unwilling to commit, but really not wanting to get into another argument about it. "I have time, yeah, I think relaxing would be perfect. If I go to see Justin right now I think I'll probably just puke on him or run away screaming and I don't think that would be good for either of us." He sat back down on the couch, looking up at Howie with his best puppy dog eyes. "You're gonna sit with me, right?"

"No, I'm gonna leave you here alone," said Howie, giving him a crooked grin. "Of *course* I'm gonna sit with you. I just need to keep an eye out for John; he's supposed to be back soon I think and he might need a hand."

"A hand with what?" Nick tugged at his sleeve. "And how come you get along so great with all your exes, and me and everyone end up slashing tires and drinking too much and crying and yelling? How do you do that? Just in case me and Justin end up not working, because I really like him and I'd like to stay his friend no matter what."

Howie just shrugged at him apologetically. "I don't know," he admitted. "Maybe cause I never really get mad at anyone. Sometimes things in life don't work the way you expect them to, so you just have to find another way for them to work. It's as easy as that."

"I think you're just blessed," Nick declared. "That and you're the sanest person I know. Maybe if I spend more time here it'll rub off on me." He sprawled back on the couch, propping his feet up and letting himself relax, just a fraction, in the quiet. "I do love you, you know," he said seriously, wanting to be sure Howie knew. "You're so good for me. Like my peace or something, just like when I was little. Thank you." ncjmarlowe wants to send file C:\Documents and Settings\Rrain\Desktop\E! News 09.rm.

"Any time," Howie promised him. "You know you're welcome here. You just don't take me up on it often enough. I know I'm out of town a lot and all, but when I'm not. So you wanna watch something or do you just want to hang for a while, talk to me?"

"How about we do both?" Nick reached out and tugged at Howie's sleeve again, wanting him to sit down. "We can watch a movie or tv or something, and not pay attention to it when we don't need to. We've been talking about me this whole weekend! We can talk about you, too, you know."

"You're the one that's had all this exciting stuff going on," said Howie, curling up compactly next to him. "My life is just the same old right now. I talk when I need to; right now's *your* time."

"It's been my time my whole life," Nick teased a little. "You guys were always worrying about me more than I needed." Habits of a lifetime were unbreakable, and he wrapped his arms around Howie like he was a pillow. "You know everything now. Justin's strange and new, I'm nervous, I've got homework to do that I'm ignoring, I need to go diving soon. My house is good for guests. That's pretty much it."

"Yeah, that's pretty much all the facts," said Howie, agreeing with him as he groped for the remote control and turned the TV on to a random channel. "I knew all that. But between Kevin and AJ badgering you about the whole thing, I don't think I actually got a real sense about how you're doing with the whole thing, Nicky." He rubbed Nick's tummy again, gently, and without the rest of the audience he didn't mind so much.

"I'm..." He paused, unsure of the answer himself. "I'm happy," he said cautiously. "When I'm with him, I feel good. He needs me, and he's so great, Howie, seriously, smart and funny and so hot. But I don't know what he's feeling about me, so it makes me all...nervous and edgy and scared. He says he's not ready, for anything, and then he keeps changing his mind, and it's crazy, but I can't say no to him." He sighed, and rested his head on Howie's chest. Timbatonal received C:\Documents and Settings\Rrain\Desktop\E! News 09.rm.

"Well, he's just separated from his wife," said Howie. "You haven't told us the whole story there, but I think we all get the idea it wasn't really a great situation. I'm not surprised that he's pretty confused right now. Especially since -- and I know I don't need to tell you this -- but you're a guy. And his ex-wife -- not to mention the rest of his exes -- is definitely not."

"No kidding," Nick groaned a little, burying his face. "That's, like, the biggest thing here. He's so confused, but he says he wants me, and how am I supposed to argue with that? I wanted him for years. And his wife was a real bitch to him, and I'm worried that he's looking at guys now because of that, but he says he's not. I don't know. Is it any wonder I'm freaking just a little?"

"Just don't do anything you're going to regret, Nick," said Howie wisely. "He's your friend, and he'll understand if you say no. And you should be strong enough to say no if you really need to, Nicky. I know you want him, but you're the stable one here and you need to try to do whatever you think is best. If you keep giving in to things you don't think are right, you might run into some trouble."

"I'm the stable one? Fuck, that's just wrong in so many ways," Nick sighed. "I don't even realize that things aren't right until after, sometimes. Like...like last night. It felt right, it felt good. We talked and kissed after, and it seemed good. But then this morning, I think it was...maybe too fast. Even though all we did was handjobs and blowjob. It wasn't too fast for me. Just for him. I think."

"Well, just remember too that you can never change what's already happened, so you shouldn't stress out about it. You can only deal with it from now on. If you think it was too fast for him ... then you go slower next time. Or you ask *him* if he thought it was too fast. Maybe he's not thinking what you think he's thinking. Misunderstandings are the biggest cause of fighting in relationships, you know."

"Thank you, Dr. Howie," Nick sighed. "It's not that easy, you know. I mean, I'll ask him, but I bet he'll say no, even if the real answer is yes, just so he doesn't make me feel bad. But I guess all I can do is believe him and go with that. I can't *help* stressing about stuff that already happened. It was so beautiful, Howie, it was just perfect, and now...now thinking about it gives me a stomachache."

"Well, thinking about what part, exactly?" pressed Howie. "Thinking about him? Thinking about what you did? Thinking about what might happen next time you see him?"

"That last one," Nick admitted. "And last night, too, thinking about what we did, we were pretty drunk, I think that's regret, a little. But mostly thinking about what might happen next. I just don't want him to be upset with me, or with himself, or anything. Or tell me he doesn't want to see me any more."

"Well, first of all, don't get stressed about last night. Whatever happened happened, and there's no sense stressing about it now. As for what happens next, well, do you think he's going to be upset with you? Does he have any reason to be? Was he upset at you this morning?"

"Nooooo," Nick said tentatively, turning his head to watch the TV, distracting himself a little. "He wasn't upset with me, but he seemed upset with himself, and if he was, it's my fault, really. So I feel bad about that. And I can't just not stress, you know me better than that. I've just gotta stress till it goes away, or gets better."

"Blaming yourself doesn't do anyone any good either. He could be at home feeling all good about you and what happened, and here you are thinking you've upset him." Howie gave him another hug. "I know you're gonna stress, Nicky. I'm just trying to teach you how not to, so much."

"Huh." Nick butted his head against Howie's chest. "Rub my tummy more," he demanded, thinking. "I never even thought...he could be home and happy, couldn't he? Even though he said he had to think about things, that's not necessarily bad, is it? You're right. I'm being silly again, huh?"

"Thinking about things and being upset about things are completely different," agreed Howie, rubbing Nick's tummy under his shirt this time. "Of course he has to think about things a little -- it's all really new to him, and didn't we all have to think about things some after the first time? Or before the first time? Or both? But I bet he's doing it with a smile on his face, when he thinks about you, Nicky. He seems really happy with you."

"You think so?" Nick knew his voice was small, but Howie petting him like this and making him feel good, this was how it used to be. He snuggled closer, kissing Howie's shoulder absently. "I hope he has a smile on his face. I wish I knew for sure. At least then I could figure out what to say when I get there, before I actually do."

"Well, what do you want to say to him right now? What's the first thing that comes into your head, that you want to say to him the next time you see him?"

"I want to kiss him and ask him how he's doing. And...there's nothing else I want to say, until I know what *he* wants to say. I want to say the right thing, to make him keep liking me. I don't know what that is, till he gives me hints." He sighed, and stretched his legs out, bending the sore left one that he must have twisted dancing. "I want to tell him how much I like him."

"Sometimes it's not about saying the right thing," said Howie. "Sometimes it's just about saying what you mean, what you feel. And if that's not the right thing, then maybe it's not meant to be. Saying something that you don't mean, just because you think it's the right thing, that's usually not a really good idea, in the long run."

"But, but sometimes you can't say everything you feel, because it's not helpful," Nick argued, pushing up into Howie's hand and feeling very kittenish. "I'll be careful not to lie, he doesn't need that. More than anything he doesn't need that. That awful woman cheated on him, you know, a lot, and then threw it in his face. Poor guy."

"Sometimes you don't have to say everything, no," agreed Howie. "But always make sure the things you do say are sincere. I'd ... I'd kinda guessed that was what happened with him and her. But you know, he seems to be doing pretty good, all things considered."

"Yeah. All things considered. I don't think I was even functioning at all, two weeks after Ste and I were over. Much less moving and going somewhere new and making new friends and doing new scary things." He sighed again. "I won't, wouldn't, be insincere with him. It would be the fastest way to lose him, I know that. I don't want to lose him."

"Okay, well good," said Howie. "But at the same time as you don't always have to say everything, you shouldn't be afraid to say *some* things, even if you're worried about how they'll be received. I think you can be honest with him about that. And you know ... moves are stressful and all, but maybe it's the move that's making him better, in a way. Taking him away from his primary source of stress."

Nick nodded. "That bitch was and is his primary source of stress, I think. Besides the whole me thing. But I'm secondary, to him, right now. He's...she treated him so bad, and she's gonna make the divorce really hard, I bet. I'm not sure how we're supposed to start something good, when he's in the middle of so much bad."

"I can't answer that," said Howie, sounding almost apologetic for it. "All I know is what i've seen, of him and of the two of you. I can't tell you for sure if it's a good time to start everything or not, but I know that sometimes you really *need* that bit of goodness, to make the bad go away."

"Well, I'm going to try to be good for him," Nick declared firmly. "I'm going to try to not be a stress to him. Which means no more worrying him talking about my problems, I mean it, Howie. I can work things out just fine, without bringing him all into it."

Howie just shook his head at him, though. "You asked for my advice, right?" he said. "You want to know why I'm successful? Well okay, here's a little secret. You don't make a person feel better by making everything about them and nothing about you. Sure it'll work for a couple days, then it'll start to feel weird and unequal and things will start to go bad. People need to feel useful, even when they have problems of their own. When you've got stuff going on, tell him. You don't need to ask anything of him when you do it, just let him know what's going on with you."

"But I don't want to," Nick said, helpless. "I mean, you remember what Ste got like, all making fun of me? I know Justin wouldn't, he's not like that, but I don't want him to have to think about it. Not when there's so much more important stuff. I mean, I'll tell him if there's stuff going on, he told me to. But it shouldn't be a big deal."

"It doesn't have to be a big deal," agreed Howie. "But it keeps becoming a bigger deal the longer you keep it from him. He's not Ste, Nicky. He knows about Ste, right? You told him? I know you and I'm guessing you did, more than just that he existed."

"He knows he was a shit, we talked about that, even without too many details," Nick shifted uncomfortably. "And we talked about other stuff, too, he knows I have...things. He made me, when AJ made such a *huge* deal over that stupid steak. But on the other hand, he knows I'm loving school and feeling good and doing well, too, so maybe that balances out."

"I'm sure it does," said Howie. "Since he knows a bit about what's going on, I'm betting he'll feel better if you tell him when you're having bad days. Like yesterday and today. After all, he obviously cares about you, and we care about you and *we'd* want to know. You still talking to someone about it or did you stop that again?"

"I stopped. No reason to go, anymore," Nick shrugged. "I think I just got too worked up this weekend. All this crazy stuff." He smiled at Howie. "Once everything settles down, I'll be fine. I'm not...I'm not in bad shape, like before, you know. Things are mostly good with me."

"Oh yeah, I know that, Nicky," said Howie, ruffling his hair again. "I know you're doing good. Not perfect, but way better than before. Still ... I'm not sure it was a really good idea to stop talking to someone about it. Since. Well, since it's pretty clear it's still happening, even if it isn't all the time."

"Even the doctor said it was okay to stop going," Nick protested, pulling away a little so he could look at Howie more clearly. "She said it was mostly about control anyway, and that now my life was in control mostly, or at least better, and that I was healthy. Everyone loses their appetite sometimes, you know," he remembered Justin saying the same thing, "and it doesn't mean they're sick. Necessarily."

"Nicky," said Howie softly. "Nick, this is me you're talking to. Me. Who knows everything, the whole story. Sure, everyone loses their appetite sometimes, but ... " He seemed to consider what he was saying very carefully. "*I* won't tell Justin anything, if you don't want me to. If you at least talk to me, and don't make excuses or get defensive. Since you aren't talking to anyone else anymore."

"Am I making excuses or getting defensive?" Nick winced at the defensive tone in his voice. "I mean, except for just now? I won't...I'll talk to you, I always talk to you. If there's anything to talk about, of course, which there won't be. I know you know the whole story, which is why you'll know the difference between before, which was a bad scene, and now, which is really okay. Right?"

Howie just sighed and turned toward the TV. "Sure, Nick," he said quietly, and didn't look back. "Sure thing."

"Howie!" Nick protested, tugging at his sleeve. "Howie, no, don't. Don't do that going away thing. I'll talk to you, I promise. It's only been two *days*, it's, there's nothing to talk about except my stupid nervous stomach and it'll be better soon, and if it isn't I'll call you *right* away. Okay? Okay?"

Howie nodded, but remained silent for another minute or so. "I'm not mad at you, Nicky," he said finally. "I'm not upset. But do you want me to tell you what I'm thinking? Why I'm pushing this a little?"

"Sure?" Nick wasn't sure, but he wanted Howie to keep talking to him. "As long as you're not mad at me," he amended quickly. He knew that wouldn't help the situation at all.

"You know I'm not mad," he said. "You know it takes a lot more than *this* to get me mad. See, here's what I think. You and Justin ... you have this long history. And I know he was a part of what went on with you before, the part about you wanting to look like that. Not the biggest part of the whole thing, no, but a part. And now he's back in your life and you know his body pretty up close and personal and ... and I think that might be messing with you a little, Nicky. I think it might be bringing a few of your old issues back. That why *I'm* a little worried."

Nick bit his lip, remembering the way Justin looked last night, how gorgeous he was. "He's a little heavier now," he offered tentatively. "Like, not a lot, but a little. I...maybe you're right, just a little bit. But I know so much better now, I worked through all that when I was having therapy. I know I can't look like that, I know that not eating doesn't make me look good like that. So...maybe. But you shouldn't worry too much, honest."

"You look good without looking like that," Howie pointed out. "You look good in your own way." Howie had always told him, that. Always. Nick just hadn't believed him for a long time. "Well, as long as you're seeing that could be happening, I'm not going to worry so much. I do wish you were still talking to someone, but I trust you, Nicky. Just don't forget about the stuff *you* need when you're worrying about what Justin needs and you'll be fine."

"I will, I promise," Nick smiled, relieved. "How could I forget when I have you here to take such good care of me? Plus, I'm paying attention. I do *not* want to be that miserable ever again, believe me." He leaned back against the couch, suddenly exhausted. "Wow. And here I thought the talking would be easier once Kevin and AJ went away."

"Calmer," said Howie. "Not easier. And it was easier to say stuff, right? So there you go." He gave Nick a smile and put his arm back around him again. "I know why you're so reluctant around AJ and Kevin, the way they are with you, but don't do that with me, okay Nicky? Just relax. It's just us."

"*Much* calmer," Nick agreed gratefully. "They yell a lot, I know they mean well, but it's not very helpful." He hugged Howie back hard. "I can only relax so far, you know, but with you, it's better than with anyone else. It was so much easier to say stuff. And plus, you explain things, why you're worried, you don't just tell me not to do stuff. That's really good."

"Oh, I know. Kevin and Aje love you to bits, but good explainers they are not. Probably why they both ended up in messy divorces. Oh, but don't tell them I said that, okay? Because of course that's not the only reason. They yell a lot, Nicky. That's their way of showing you they love you. Believe it or not."

"I know it is, mostly, but it still doesn't help when I'm already nervous," Nick sighed. "I love them tons, but sometimes they really freak out, and also, they don't listen very well. I don't yell, so why did *I* end up in a messy divorce? That doesn't seem fair."

"Yeah, well, you just had bad taste in guys," said Howie, smiling to make it gentler. "That wasn't your fault, the things that he did. You do know that, right? That Ste was just an ass and you're one of the best guys I've ever known? And I've known a lot of good guys, Nicky."

"You're silly. You've just known me too long, if you didn't like me a lot you'd hate me for SURE by now." Nick smiled and pressed his face into Howie's shoulder. "I know he was an ass, believe me, and I know it wasn't my fault. Just bad taste, I guess, like you said."

"Just a mistake," said Howie. "Something you learned from and moved on. And for what it's worth ... one you guys get things all worked out -- once *he* gets his shit worked out -- I think Justin's gonna be a way better choice. He'll treat you good, I think."

"He will. He even treated his wife good, when she was being awful to him. He's a really good guy, no matter if we get things all worked out or not. He's not mean, I don't think, not ever. Not that I've heard, anyway, or seen." He chuckled a little. "Not like he'd dare, anyway, with AJ and Kevin and you all breathing fire at him."

"Yeah, well, we all breathed fire at Ste, too. Just obviously not hot enough," said Howie. "No, you know, I like him, Nicky. I really do. He's got his issues to work through, yeah, and that's gonna take some time. But I think you guys could make it work good, if you both wanted."

"Yeah, if we're careful and don't go too fast and if he decides he really honestly does like boys," Nick sighed. "But no matter what, he's somebody I'm really happy I know. He takes your fire seriously, not like Ste, he just laughed and did crappy shit anyway. And he barely needed the warning, you know, he'd already told me he'd be good to me."

"Well, that's a pretty good sign, too," said Howie. "Actually, the signs are *all* good for this one, Nicky. You're right, you just gotta take it slow and careful and make sure you're both up to speed on everything. And I think the two of you will do all right. And ... " He sighed and smiled again, but differently. "And if he needs someone to talk to too, well, give him my number."

"I think one of us is enough, Howie, lord. Plus, then you'd be getting it from both sides, and who needs that?" Nick kissed his cheek, grateful for the offer. "He's got JC if he's got gay-type questions, remember, and he's got his guys, and me. I don't want to put you in the middle of everything, you've already done a lot. Too much. Don't you worry about us, we're big boys and we'll work it out."

"I watched you grow up, Nicky," Howie reminded him. "I know you're a big boy now. Sometimes I can hardly believe it. And Timberlake! Wow. I watched him grow up too, from a distance, but I don't think I really got a sense of it until yesterday. Just how much of an adult he is now."

"He's married, about to be divorced, he has a solo album, he's...he's not a little kid any more." Nick grinned a little. "He's really not a little kid any more. He's so fucking hot, Howie. Did you see us dancing last night? He pretty much fried my brain right out of my head. I mean, I always knew he was gorgeous, but I never got to see up close, much less touch. He's just...wow."

"So I understand," said Howie, sounding comfortably indulgent now. "I remember when he got married, thinking he was way too young to be marrying someone. Her, too. I still think they were, a little, but maybe not so much as I thought. He filled out nice, those last years, huh?"

"God, yes," Nick agreed, then blushed at the fervency of his tone. "He's even better looking than before and I didn't think that was even *possible*. And naked, oh god, Howie, I shouldn't tell you this, but I just wanted to lay him down and lick him from head to toe. He's the most amazing thing I've ever seen."

Howie stared at him a minute, like he was imagining that, then shook his head and looked away. "I just bet he is," he murmured. "I bet he'd like that, too. But then, who *wouldn't* like that kind of attention? Especially from you, Nicky. So ... you feeling better about the whole thing now?"

"Yeah, I think so." Nick rolled his shoulders experimentally, and they didn't protest with cramped muscles. "Definitely better, my knots are going away. You're good therapy, Howie, you really are. But it'll be a long time before I lick him anywhere, I think, especially since I'm a guy and all. This would all be much easier for him if I had boobs."

"But you don't," said Howie. "You don't and the guy seems to have fallen for you anyway, Nicky. There's no mistaking you for a girl; he knows what he's getting. Just remember that, too. Take it slow, but don't give up on it entirely. Maybe a night of licking is just what you guys need ... you never know."

Nick giggled a little, and stretched. "Maybe. That would be *so* nice. And it's true, nobody looking at me is gonna think I'm a chick. But he seems to like me okay." He rolled over, squeezing Howie one more time before standing up, a little lightheaded but feeling much better. "Speaking of. I've got to go bring the boy his pizza, before he chews an arm off or something. And I finally get to see his house, that's cool, and find out once and for all if I'm worrying about nothing."

"Gimme a call if you need to," said Howie, getting up as well to give him a hug. "Give me a call anyway, actually. I'd love to know how it goes. I'm willing to wait until morning, though. Since you might end up pretty busy tonight. Tell him hi for me?"

"I will, for sure. And I don't know if I'll be ending up busy, it depends on how much he's freaking. Even if he's not, we probably won't do too much. Not with his reaction this morning. Slow, remember? Unless he does that kissing thing again." He smiled at Howie, and grabbed his keys off the table. "But we'll probably just play video games and eat pizza."

"Well, whatever," said Howie, giving him a friendly pat on the back as he headed for the door. "Whatever happens, you just call. You got no excuse to be out of touch, Nicky. So go, but remember whatever it is you're doing it's about both of you, not just him. That's a really important thing."

Nick rolled his eyes again, but smiled. "I got the message loud and clear, yoda. Whatever happens, even if it's really boring, I'll call you tomorrow, okay? And I'll tell you all the dirty details. Be good. Don't let John get too drama-y on you. And we'll get together next week, too, I promise."

"John's moving out, if you must know," said Howie, rolling his eyes at him but still smiling so it must have been an okay thing. "So no, he's not going to get too drama-y on me. He's going to get drama-y on his new boyfriend. So you make sure you call, okay? And have a good night, Nicky."

"You too. Love you, Howie," Nick smiled, and backed out the door, waving a little as he left.

* * *

When Nick finally found Justin, he was sitting in the middle of what would probably become his den -- or possibly music room -- endless piles of CD's around him. He looked up and gave Nick and weak, tired smile.

"Hell of an intercom system that came with the place, huh?" he said, waggling his handy little remote control in his hand.

"When you said 'come on in,' I had this image of one hallway, one room, maybe a doorway. Not this maze." Nick smiled, unable to help himself, so glad to see Justin. He wandered to his side and dropped down, not too close. ""Hell of an intercom indeed. How you doing? I see you've got your priorities straight." The room had no furniture, but the stereo was set up, and the CDs were unpacked.

"Just looking for something soothing," Justin said, lifting a handful of CDs with the other hand but barely glancing at them. "If you see anything you like, go ahead and put it in. How was your visit with the guys? You didn't say much on the phone."

"Good. Tiring. I love them, but being around them with a hangover is like nails on a chalkboard. Except Howie." Nick started flipping through CDs idly. "Soothing, huh? Rough day? How was the chat with the lawyer?"

"Long and filled with a lot of words I didn't understand," said Justin, his voice flattening out even more than it already was. "And the ones I did, I didn't like. She's not going to make this easy, that's for sure. At least we didn't have a whole lot of combined assets. California divorce law is a bitch, but it might actually work in my favour, since she's worth more than I am."

"Yeah?" Nick put the CDs down and reached for Justin's hand, helpless to resist when Justin looked so sad. "Well, that's something, at least. And just think, no kids, no custody battles, and you're already out of the area. So you've got some distance. Listen, I found the kitchen in my wanderings, I left the pizza and stuff there. You want to take a break? Come feed yourself and let me make googly eyes at you?"

Justin put the stack of CDs down, then closed his eyes and dropped his head and nodded slightly. "Yeah, I could probably use a break. I was even unpacking boxes while I was on the phone. It was ... somthing to keep me occupied, you know? It hasn't really been a great day. The one bit of good news I got was ... well, we can talk about that later."

"Hey." Nick scooted closer, and wrapped his arm around Justin's shoulders tentatively. "It'll be okay. Things'll get better, you know. And you should tell me your good news, good news is made to be shared. Then we can go eat pizza as a celebration of it, and you can take that break."

"It's not that kind of good news," said Justin, but he did let Nick get closer, close enough to comfort him. "It's the kind of good news that makes potentially bad news not bad. It's only good in relation to the bad." He rested his head on Nick's shoulder for a second, then asked, "Did you get pepperoni on the pizza?"

"Yes, on half. Okay, you don't have to tell me your good news till you're ready, even though it's totally intriguing me now." He squeezed Justin's shoulder lightly, more confident of his welcome, and tipped his cheek down to the top of Justin's head. "Missed you today," he offered softly, wanting Justin to know.

"Yeah," breathed Justin, resting again for a moment. "We should eat that pizza while it's still hot. And I do have something to drink in the fridge. I went to that little store at the end of the street -- you know the one? Picked up some stuff so my throat wouldn't go dry what with all the talking I was doing."

"I brought soda, too, with the pizza. Just like I said. I think the pizza went from hot to warm while I was following the breadcrumbs back to you, but it should still be good. And we don't need plates or anything, which is the great thing about pizza." Nick didn't move, unwilling to break the moment. "By the way, the guys all say hi, and AJ said nice things about your dancing, in between making fun of me."

Justin turned his head and just frowned at that, though. "He was making fun of you?" he said, picking *that* out of everything to focus on. "Why was he making fun of you?"

"Just teasing," Nick said, quickly. "It's just how they are, just like family, you know? He was just giving me a hard time for runnning out of the club like that. Normal stuff." He smiled at Justin, tugging at him a little. "Come on. Up and at 'em. You're looking all pale and low-blood-sugary. Let's feed you."

"Yeah, I haven't had anything but a diet soda this today," he admitted as Nick helped him up again, stumbling a little and accidentally toppling a leaning tower of CDs. "I guess I kind of forgot, in the middle of everything. You know the way back to the kitchen?"

"God, that's no good, you need food to deal with lawyers. I also brought ice cream for you, you know. I have no idea how to get back to the kitchen, I think a drunk crackmonkey designed this house. It's gorgeous, though, it'll be so nice when you get everything put where it goes." He wrapped his arm around Justin's waist, supporting him. "AJ says if you don't feed a hangover it gets worse, you know."

"Oh no, no you haven't seen gorgeous yet," said Justin, suddenly leading him in the opposite direction of the kitchen and up a flight of stairs. To his bedroom, apparently. "*This* is gorgeous." He pulled back the drapes that covered one side of the room, exposing a wall almost entirely of glass and a large terrace beyond it. Facing the ocean.

"Oh my god." Nick left Justin's side and walked to the huge window, touching it with reverent fingers. "Look at that. It's like living in the ocean, Justin, wow. This is the best room I've ever seen in my life. How are you ever going to spend time in the rest of your house?" He tipped his forehead against the cool glass, devouring the view.

"Do you want to go out there?" asked Justin, heading tentatively for the sliding glass door at the end of the wall. "Or ... we should probably get the food first, actually. Before I faint or something. But yeah ... isn't it incredible?"

Nick backed away reluctantly, not taking his eyes from the water. "Incredible, yeah. Wow. I can see why you got this place. Now I want to knock out the wall in one of my rooms and make it just like this." He shook his head, and smiled at Justin. "We could get the food and eat out there. If you wanted. Some fresh air would probably be good for you, after being cooped up all day." He looked back at the terrace hopefully.

Justin gave him another one of those tiny, tired smiles. "Yeah, let's do that," he said. "Funny thing is, I hardly even noticed this when I picked out the place. I wasn't really all that discriminating. I guess I just got lucky, huh?"

"You sure did." Nick crossed to his side again, reaching out to touch his cheek. "Come on. Food, and then maybe a nap for you, because baby, you look beat. You've had a rough couple of days, huh? At least you got your bed made, that's good. That's important."

"Yeah," murmured Justin, glancing at it before they started back down the stairs again. "It is. I'm not really tired, though. Not like that. I'm just ... so sick of so much stuff already. I wish this didn't have to be so much of a mess."

"Don't forget I don't know the way," Nick reminded him, trailing a step behind. "We should talk about other stuff, then, to take your mind off it for a while. Happier stuff, like...do you still play basketball? Because there's this great court close to here. And I think Kevin's really into this Amelie person, and Howie's ex found a new boyfriend. And you're still here, you didn't run away screaming."

"No, I didn't, did I," mused Justin as he led Nick back through the house to the kitchen. He was already pretty familiar with it, it seemed. "I'm glad your friends are finding things to make them happy." As they passed by the table, he picked up the newspaper and handed it over to Nick. "You're probably going to want to read this, if you haven't already. Page two; we aren't even tucked away in the gossip section." Then he turned away again to open the box of pizza.

Nick froze, and stared at the paper in his hands, biting his lip. When he finally opened it, his hands were shaking a little, and he winced at the picture. Not the kiss, at least, but he and Justin were dancing pressed against each other, staring at each other, and though the photo was dark, he could see that his hand was tucked into Justin's back pocket.

"'Bi bi bi,'" he read in a voice that quivered a little. "Newly separated pop superstar Justin Timberlake revisited his roots in Orlando last night, where he was spotted getting very up close and personal with fellow ex-boybander Nick Carter. The two kissed passionately on the dance floor, and left together..." he broke off, unable to read more.

"But the good news," said Justin, sounding way perkier than he must have actually been feeling, "is that there's no way that Alicia can use that against me in the divorce, now that everything is already filed and stuff. So yeah. No big deal."

Nick shook his head wordlessly, and closed the paper, pushing it away from him. He didn't care so much for himself; he was already out to everyone who mattered. But Justin...

"I'm so sorry," he finally got out. "I didn't think. I wasn't thinking. That's...I'm so sorry, Justin, have you...have people been calling you? It's not fair to you, you just...you should have had more time."

"I knew what I was getting into," said Justin, still facing away from him. "I may not have seemed like it, and I may not have thought about it really hard, but I knew. I knew what could happen. What *would* probably happen. I'm not sorry."

"I'm sorry enough for both of us," Nick said, staring at the floor. "I'm the one who should have thought, I've been living like this for a while now, and it's all new to you. I'm not sorry we danced, J. I'm sorry I wasn't more careful with you." He took a step back. "Do you...do you want me to go? There could be cameras outside, now that people know you're here. I could release a statement, say something about being really really drunk, maybe that it wasn't even you, something like that?" He knew he was babbling, but was helpless to stop it.

"I said I wasn't sorry, Nick," Justin said carefully. Nick noticed he was gripping the edge of the counter. "Are you saying you don't *want* to be associated with me after all? Because I've gotta tell you, at this point that would really suck a lot."

"God, no!" Nick stepped forward again, reaching for Justin's tense shoulder before letting his hand drop. "I want, more than ever. But you...that's not the way I'd choose to tell people, is all. It's a sucky thing, and I'd understand if you were mad. If you wanted some distance. I had *no* idea, Justin, that this came out, I swear. Tell me what I can do?"

"It's *okay*, Nick," insisted Justin. "I was a little shocked at first, but it's okay. It's not like it's out of the blue or anything. We were making out with each other in public. We knew this could happen. I'm ... probably more okay with it than you think I am."

Nick stared at him. "You're being more okay with it than I can even deal with." He reached out again, and turned Justin until he could see his face. "It is out of the blue. You kissed a man for the first time yesterday, and now it's in the papers that you're with me. People are..." he sighed. "Have you called your friends? Family? They're going to hear about it."

"Kinda haven't checked my messages yet," admitted Justin. "It's been a long time coming, though, Nick. The me kissing a guy, thing. It's been in my head a long time. And besides -- I got to have my little freak out about this this morning before I saw you. Took a long walk on the beach. Tried to sort some more stuff out in my head."

"Still." Nick shook his head, baffled. "I can't tell if you're just numb, and the breakdown'll come later, or if you're supernaturally well-adjusted. It's tripping me out." He relaxed a little, though, and stepped a little closer, watching Justin's eyes carefully. "Did you get things sorted out in your head? Before?"

"Some, yeah," said Justin, looking down at his feet again. His bare feet. And wiggling his toes. "Really, stuff broke down pretty easily into two lists: things that make me happy, and things that don't. And you definitely fell into that first list. And ... maybe it's time I found the guts to do what I really want to do, not just the things that I think I should. I could never work again and I'd still be set for life ... but that's not going to happen, no matter what choices I make now.

"So moving here was the first thing I've done in a long time that was something I wanted, for real. And being with you is the second. And if I'm gonna do this, Nick, I don't want to do it halfway. And if I'm gonna do it for real, then I can't let myself get freaked out that people know about it."

Nick sighed, and finally gave in and wrapped Justin in his arms. "Has anyone ever told you how amazing you are? You're a grown-up in the good way, and I'm just lucky that I found you again." He nuzzled Justin's cheek. "It's okay to get freaked out that people know. It's sudden and strange and it was done without your permission. But I'm so incredibly happy, J, I just want you to know that. Happy that I'm in the good column, happy that you want to keep trying, with me."

"I'm still worried that I'm gonna fuck things up," admitted Justin. "But I had a good long talk with myself and we decided that we're gonna do what it takes to make this work out okay. And no running, ever. Not even if the paparazzi starts lurking in the bushes or pounding down the door. I guess I should probably make some phone calls tonight, though, huh?"

"You probably should," Nick agreed, rocking him a little. "Just think how nice it'll be to tell JC and Lance. And your family, they'll want to hear from you, I bet. Not to mention your management, if you're still in touch with them, and the rest of your friends, too. It's kind of big news, and I bet they're worried about you." He smiled into Justin's curls. "No running from the paparazzi, but can I throw eggs at them?"

"That's a lot of people," he said softly. "Fuck. Okay, I'm still freaking out a little. Feel free to throw eggs. Or rocks. Your choice. Okay. Okay. First pizza. Then I get to have a breakdown again. At least I've got my priorities straight."

"You can't have a good solid breakdown without some energy, so eating first is definitely a good call," Nick nodded. "And I'll be here as long as you want me to, when you make the calls, or I can go, if you want. Whatever you like." He moved away, and opened the pizza box. "Pepperoni, or no pepperoni?"

"Pepperoni," said Justin firmly. "You got lots of cheese, right? I've you're gonna be eating pizza, there's no sense pretending you're trying to be healthy about it. I need salt and grease right now. Lots of it."

"It's got the standard amount of cheese, which for this place is a lot," Nick answered, lifting out three slices and placing them on a paper towel, handing them to Justin. "Salt, cheese, pepperoni, grease, all in one handy food source." He grabbed a slice for himself, and sodas for them both, and pushed Justin firmly onto a chair. "There you go. That'll put some color back in your cheeks."

"I'm probably pretty grey right now, huh?" he said, taking a surprisingly large bite of the pizza. Surprising because if it was Nick he'd probably only be nibbling at the edge. "It's been a hell of a day. But hey, you know, maybe being outed like that is just what I need to take my mind off the divorce. Set up a few interviews with the gay press, get my name out there again, go out clubbing with you some more ... it's not such a bad thing, you know."

Nick boggled at Justin. "Wow. Wow. I just...I've never heard of anyone being this calm after something like this." He peeled off a piece of pepperoni and popped it in his mouth. "You surprise me every time I turn around. And every time I turn around, I'm falling harder for you. Any time you want to go clubbing again, you just let me know. I'd be proud to make page two with you again."

"No way, man," said Justin immediately. "No *way*." And then he turned and grinned -- *grinned* -- at Nick's concerned look. "If we're making the papers again, it's gonna be front page, all the way. I'm really not calm, though, you know. I'm just falling back on old training. Whenever something unexpected happens, use it to your advantage. Don't ever let them see you sweat."

"Well, you're damn good at it," Nick declared, toasting him with another piece of pepperoni. "You look calm. You don't have to pretend with me, though, you know. I don't mind seeing you sweat, and I don't care if you freak out, and I won't blame you if you get angry. Using it's probably the best revenge you could take, but give yourself space to be upset, if you need to be."

"I threw things this morning," said Justin, taking another huge bite of the pizza. Broke a couple picture frames, I think. Or something. It didn't make me feel better, though. That's when I took my walk and thought so much about it. I mean ... I don't know, Nick. Maybe this is just the kick in the butt I need to get my life going in a direction that'll make me happy, you know?"

Nick grinned at him happily, then sobered, remembering what Howie had said. "So...and you don't seem mad, that's not why I'm asking, but I was really worried today...you're not mad at me? About last night? I know it was too fast, and now with the pictures and the article and everything...I was worried and Howie said I should ask, instead of just stressing. The throwing things, was that about me?" He looked at his slice of pizza, waiting for the answer tensely.

"Mad at you?" asked Justin, looking confused. "Mad at you why? Last night was really good, Nick. I know, I'm sorry I wasn't there when you woke up, I just needed to work some stuff out. But that was about me, not you. I'm pretty sure you don't have anything to apologize for, at all."

"Mad at me because..." Nick shrugged awkwardly. "I don't know. Seems like you might be, we went so fast and so public and so...much, you know. And it would make sense, if you were. Since you told me how you react to rebounds, and all." He tore off a little bit of crust. "It was really good. I just wasn't sure how you were feeling."

"I really don't know right now," said Justin, sounding surprised by the fact. Like he thought he should be something, but he wasn't. "I'm feeling a bunch of stuff. A little freaked out, a little weird, a little sad, a little tired, a little happy, a little relieved. I can't even answer you, I'm feeling so much stuff. But mad? Nah. Not at you. Not even at the people who printed the story. It's not like they were looking in our windows or something, we were right out there with it. I don't know. Maybe I wanted this to happen, subconsciously, or something."

"Maybe," Nick said, stuck in amazement. Unable, really, to process the way Justin was dealing with this. "But all those things you're feeling, those are good. Normal things. And you're not mad. That's so wonderful." He shook his head again, and reached for Justin's hand. "You're this fantastic person, Justin, and I can't imagine what I did to deserve you, but anything you need, you tell me. Okay? Anything I can do to help. With anything."

"You brought pizza," said Justin, giving him a smile that was just a little bit wider, a little bit easier. "That's helping. Not to mention just *being* here, which is a pretty good thing too. Especially since I *saw* how people were looking at you last night. I know you could have someone with a lot less baggage, if you wanted."

"Whatever," Nick brushed that off. "They were looking at *us*. And I don't want someone with less baggage, or different baggage, I want *you*. Even more, now, than ever. Now eat that pizza, so we can go look at the ocean and I can kiss you a little, because I don't think I can hold off much longer." He grinned at Justin.

"Hey, *I* am eating my pizza," said Justin, reaching for his second piece. "It's you that has to catch up. And then yeah, let's hang out outside. And talk about stuff, if you don't mind. Is that cool?"

"That's very cool," Nick nodded, reining himself in again. Just because Justin was being supernaturally accepting didn't mean he was ready for more making out. "Anything you want, you only have to ask." He ate another piece of pepperoni, and licked the spicy oil off his fingertips, smiling at Justin.

"Good," said Justin said, looking relieved. For the first time in a while Nick felt like he was getting a glimpse of what was going on beneath the calm exterior. "I want us to talk about what exactly we mean, when we say we're going slow. What that involves, exactly."

"We don't have to be outside to talk about that," Nick pointed out, forcing himself to stay calm and positive. "Because taking it slow is whatever you want it to be. For some people, it means just holding hands for months. Other guys, everything but actual intercourse till they're ready. But it goes at your pace, J, always."

"Outside, we get to look at the ocean," said Justin. "And actually ... " He stood up and picked up the whole box of pizza, sliding his own remaining pieces inside, then opened the nearly-empty fridge and pulled a box of coke out. "I'm ready to go now. Coming?"

"Coming." Nick tossed his mangled piece of pizza at the bag he'd brought the soda in, and wiped his fingers on his jeans. "I'm always up for looking at the ocean, it's the easiest sell in the world. "Lead the way, I'm all yours."

Nick practically got lost again, even though he was trying to pay attention to the route they took; whoever designed the place was a mad genius, that was for sure. "I can tell you right now," he said, balancing the coke under his arm as he slid the door open, "that I'm not going to want to just hold hands for months. Obviously. Go ahead." He nodded his head at the open door.

Nick stepped through, stretching his arms wide to the sky to diffuse some of the tension in his neck and shoulders. He could smell the ocean, and that always helped. "Well, not obviously," he finally replied, turning to watch Justin. "I mean, last night was...I loved every second of it. I wanted it to never end, and my tongue hurts from wanting to lick you. But you might want to take a big step back, I don't know. I won't know till you tell me."

There was a bench built into the edge of the terrace, and that was where Justin headed. "I'm *not* going to want to just hold hands," he said again. "I want to know what you want too, though. See, I don't know what *you're* thinking when we say slow, either. But you know ... I'm *less* worried now, about how i'm gonna react to the whole thing, than i was before. Isn't that weird?"

"Well, not so much," Nick grinned a little, and followed him to the bench. "I mean, we did stuff last night, and you're not screaming or clawing out your eyes, so that's a good sign. As for me...I'm just playing it by ear. I mean. I'm not the one who needs to go slow. I'm taking my cues from you."

"I wouldn't mind some more sex," admitted Justin, casually, like it was nothing. "Maybe not tonight, but yeah. Definitely some more sex. And other stuff, too. But still slow, like ... I think -- I decided, when I was out walking -- that I still need some big chunks of time to myself. But a big thumbs up on the sex thing."

Nick's stomach went small and cold, and his hands tightened to fists before he forced them to relax. "Okay, let's just...I thought when we were talking about going slow, that we were talking about sex. Not...not everything else. I mean, sure, we need time alone, people do, but before...you said you wanted the romance and not the sex. Now you want the sex and not the other stuff?" He was proud of how even his voice stayed. "I just wanna be sure I'm clear on everything, you know."

"No, no, no," said Justin quickly. "No, that's not what I'm saying. Well yes, but no. See ... last night changed stuff, I think. Yesterday and last night. We got really close. And now we've *had* sex, once, and I didn't run. So there's that taken care of. But I don't want to fall into the other thing either, where I spend every waking moment with someone until the whole thing self destructs. And plus, I still have tons of stuff I need to do. So I'm ... what I'm trying to do is find something in the middle, so this thing with us ... so it can grown naturally."

"Big thumbs up on the sex," Nick repeated blankly, nodding. "That makes a lot of sense, really. We can go on dates, I guess, like any couple starting out. And I'm sure the divorce and the move are gonna keep you really busy." He nodded again. "I've got school and homework, too, so that's a really good idea, I think. We can do that." He nodded, feeling like a puppet. Whatever Justin thought would work.

"You don't look happy," said Justin, taking out his half-eaten pizza but not starting on it again. "I'm not sure why. Can you just, um, tell me what you're thinking, or whatever?"

"Well," Nick started, then paused. Sincerity, Howie had said, and he'd agreed. "I just...I do want to spend a lot of time with you. I know it's a bad time for you, and you've got all this stuff, but I do. It's just how I feel." He shrugged helplessly. "Everything you said made so much sense. But I'm not feeling very sensible about you, I guess." He sat cross-legged on the ground by the bench, tired suddenly.

"Oh," said Justin, his eyes widening a little bit. "Oh, well okay. We can work with that. I mean, I do want to spend time with you too, you know. I just wanna be careful to make sure it's not *all* my time. You know what I mean? I'm still scared of the rebound thing, and that's my way of being careful."

"Okay," Nick said softly. "I understand, I really do, like I said. And I've got stuff to do that'll take time, too. Howie's been yelling at me to spend more time with him--okay, not yelling, not Howie--but yeah, that, and I haven't been diving enough either. So there'll be plenty of time when I'm not around, anyway. And you probably need time by yourself, just to get back on your feet. I understand."

"You say you understand, but you're not happy," said Justin again, like he was seeing right into him. "I'm pretty good at telling when people aren't happy now, if nothing else. I'm not a super-perceptive guy, but I can tell that. If what we're doing isn't gonna make you happy, then ... I don't know what."

"I'm not unhappy," Nick said immedately, shaking his head and peering up at Justin, blinking against the sunlight. "I'm just waiting. Like, if you say you only want to see me once a week, then I won't be happy. Right now I'm still not quite sure how you want this to go, so I'm waiting. I'm happy to see you at all, and every time I talk to you I think you're more amazing, so I'm happy."

"Oh!" said Justin suddenly. "Oh no, no! I mean, I could see you, like, every day, easy. I just mean I'm not gonna move into your place and glue myself to your side or anything. That's all."

"Oh." Nick breathed, and felt like it was the first time since Justin had started this subject. "Oh, that's...I thought you meant...oh." He felt the smile pull at his lips as he kept squinting up at Justin. "Well, no, I didn't think you would. You have your own beautiful house, after all. And as much as I like you, I don't need another appendage, thanks."

"Exactly," said Justin. "See? Exactly. That's what I want to try, with you." He snickered and finally dug into his pizza again. "Obviously I did a *lot* of thinking today. Especially after I, um, saw that paper. You were pretty much out before that, though, right? I mean, I know you weren't completely and totally, but pretty much?"

"Only to my friends and family. Not at school or anything." Nick shrugged, wrapping his arms around his knees. "Not in the industry. I might have the gay press angle to work, myself, here. It'll be strange. I wonder how many 'I blew Nick Carter in the back room at a club' stories there'll be tomorrow? God. And I'm sure my mother will write a tell-all book about the agony of her shame." He sighed, then brightened. "But at least I don't have to play the pronoun game in interviews any more."

"They'll probably want a joint interview with us," said Justin, then surprised Nick by smiling at the thought. "With photos. Of us kissing or something. Man, that'll be weird. Maybe we should wait a bit for that one. The whole thing is gonna be ... my whole *live* is gonna be real different, from now on."

"It...it might be," Nick said slowly, thinking it through. "I think it'll be as different as you want it to be. You'll still be you. Most people will be curious about you for a while, I bet, and some people will hate us for no reason, but hell, some people *always* hated us for no reason. At least these'll be different people." He inched forward until his raised knees bumped Justin's. "I think a joint interview could be really cool, once the hubbub has died down a little."

Justin nodded. "On our terms. Well. We don't need to think about it yet." He looked over at the ocean again for a moment, and it seemed to have the same calming effect on him as it had on Nick. "I just want to be clear that I'm prepared to be honest about this. I have no plans to deny it."

"Okay," Nick nodded slightly. "That's wonderful, and also really smart, I think. Anything else would be a little silly, now. I want to be honest about you. Us. Whatever it is we are. I don't want to deny it either." He chuckled. "We should tell the guys, before they go all crazy trying to cover our asses."

"Oh yeah. Jeez. At least your guys know it's true. Mine are probably busy denying it in good faith, picture and all." Justin sighed. "Okay. Half hour break to make necessary calls, then meet back here to eat cold pizza?" he suggested, then winced a bit. "Well. Maybe an hour in my case. Kinda starting to wish we'd stocked up on beer. Oh well. Anyway. Sound like a plan?"

"Sounds like a plan," Nick agreed softly, smiling, and tipped forward until his arms were crossed on Justin's knees. "Give me a kiss first, though, I think. It's been all *day*, and that's too long." Justin was silouhetted against the bright sky, and Nick couldn't read his expression at all, so he simply waited.

Justin leaned down and gave Nick a soft kiss, then suddenly grabbed at the back of his neck and pulled him closer and deepened it. There was no hint of hesitation, there was just the same desire that Nick had been feeling when he asked.

He brought his hands up to cradle Justin's head, stroking lightly behind his ears and tasting his tongue slowly and thoroughly. He still couldn't believe Justin was so pliant and willing and hot with him, so soon, but he wouldn't question it. Justin's hands settled lightly on his shoulders, and he broke off the kiss, breathing deeply and smiling and stroking Justin's cheek with his thumb.

"Hey," he said quietly. "Hey. That was nice. I really liked that." But he didn't try to do it again, maybe for the same reason Nick didn't -- if they had, they might never have gotten out of there to do what they needed to do. "I hope that's not tomorrow's cover shot."

Nick grinned up at him. "Yeah, me too. Though I've gotta say, you look awfully good in the sunshine. And you deserve nothing less than the cover." He cupped Justin's cheek briefly, then pushed away and hauled himself to his feet. "Better put that pizza in the fridge if you want more later," he advised, feeling the heat prickle at his skin. "Meet you back here in an hour?"

"It's a date," he said, giving Nick another kiss -- on the cheek this time -- as he stood up and started back into the house. Nick followed, and just hoped that he didn't get lost before the hour was up.

* * *

Nick was so deeply involved in his game of taunt-the-paparazzi, he didn't even realize that the entire hour had passed. He had years and years of practice, after all, so he knew exactly where the cameras were, and exactly how to hide his face from them. He was sitting carefully in the deepest shadow of the terrace with one of Justin's hats pulled down over his face, a hand towel draped over that, and a magazine held high in his hands, when he heard the glass door slide open.

Justin stepped out into the fading sunlight and just looked ... well, golden. Golden. What would have made it better, though, would have been if he was smiling. Even when he turned toward Nick, spotting him hidden in the corner, he didn't crack a smile. "Hey," he said, lifting his hand in a half-hearted wave. "How did it go?"

"Shhhhh!" Nick waved his hand wildly, then bolted for the door, holding the magazine over his face and herding Justin ahead of him. "You have photographers in your bushes," he informed him gravely, shedding the hat and towel once they were inside. "Not that I care if they know I'm here, I just don't want them to win the game. I can almost hear their blood pressure going up." He pulled Justin further into the room, holding him close. "It went okay. As okay as can be expected. What about you?"

"I'm pretty sure they've been there all along," said Justin, but he didn't object to being pulled inside. Didn't seem to, anyway. "It went okay. Little of this, little of that. Made the mistake of checking my messages, though. How do people find my number so easy anyway?"

"Uh-oh." Nick manhandled him a little, sitting on the bed and turning Justin until he was standing between his knees, Nick's hands on his hips. "Who called? Can I look forward to messages too? And what's 'a little of this, a little of that?'"

"The reactions, I mean. A little of this, a little of that. A little good, a little bad. A little unsurprised and a little totally confused. The messages, though. I mean, fuck. Every time I change my number, does it go up on some media bulletin board or something? No, no, don't answer that. So yeah, that. And plus Alicia, which I was expecting at least."

"Oh, huh, yeah. I'd kind of forgotten about her. Not in general, but that she'd be calling." His hands stroked over Justin's hips softly. "Were the messages bad? Do you want to tell me? You should maybe change your number again, you know, keep it real private for a while, until some of this blows over. Are you doing okay?"

"Me? Yeah, I'm okay. It was a little much to take all at once is all. That's a lot of calls, and not really enough time to get into it. I had to promise a lot *more* calls for tomorrow. And I did call her back, but thank god she wasn't around. I left her a message, told her I'd call tomorrow or something. Maybe I shouldn't have done that much, I don't know. Whatever. The messages weren't so bad, really. You just gotta wonder how The Advocate got my number on such short notice. That kind of thing."

"Oh, *those* kinds of calls." Nick smiled up at him and pulled him closer. "I'm convinced that management gives out our numbers to major media outlets when things happen, just so they don't have to answer their phones. Those are people you don't have to call back. But your friends...how were they about it? I'm so curious, really. Mine all just yelled at me for being a dork, and then said congratulations, or most of them did, and AJ sends you props. Also Howie."

"Do you want a blow by blow of the conversations, or just a summary? Actually ... no, I don't think I can summarize anyway, not with those guys. I think it's a minor miracle i was able to reack them all. Them *all*." Which means he'd spoken to Lance, which was an event in itself. "My mother was unpleased -- and unpleasant, for that matter -- but thankfully I don't really care. Maybe she'll co-write your mother's book, huh?"

"It could be a match made in heaven," Nick agreed, watching Justin closely. "They could take the celebrity booklist by storm. You don't have to give me a blow-by-blow, just tell me the good stuff. Like JC. JC had to be good about it, right? Was he happy for you?"

"JC," said Justin with a sudden laught. "JC was positively *gleeful*. Freak. Gleeful about the me and you part, not about the article part. He hadn't seen it yet, hadn't even heard about it. Spent the whole day holed up in his studio; I caught him minutes after he came out. Just another one of my lucky calls. Wow does he like you, though. I had no idea."

"Yeah?" Nick grinned at him happily. "I like him a lot too, he's just fantastic, what a great guy. I'm glad you talked to him, glad he was a lucky call. I need to call him soon, I haven't talked to him in *way* too long. But that must have been nice to hear, someone being all positive."

"Oh yeah, it was," said Justin. "He wasn't even really surprised. I mean, he *was*, but he wasn't at the same time. Do you know what I mean? That was a good call, yeah. I mean, none of them were *bad*, not even the one to mom. They were just varying degrees of weird."

"It's not exactly an everyday occurrence," Nick pointed out, pulling Justin down to sit half on his lap, half on the bed. "There, better, I'm not used to getting a crick in my neck like that. That's so great, that none of them were bad bad. You've got good friends, huh? Weird's not so bad, really, when you think of the alternatives."

"Yeah, I've got some good friends," Justin agreed, shifting himself to keep his balance. "Joey was all pretty cool with it. He was asking me questions and stuff, but then his girlfriend was calling him to come rub her feet and I had to go anyway. He's gonna come down next weekend though, he said, if he can get away. Might have to bring Bree with him, give his girlfriend a bit of time to herself maybe, but I'm good with that."

Nick hooked his chin over Justin's shoulder and nodded. "That would be so so cool. Does she love her Uncle Justin still? I remember hearing about that, or reading about it, back when she was real little, how you all just treated her like royalty. And now Joey's having another one, good lord."

"Oh yeah, we spoiled her rotten," admitted Justin. "But Joey has a good head on his shoulders -- between him and his family they're raising a good kid there. And they'll do the same for her little brother. Man I love that kid. Joey's gonna explain to her, before they get here, about you and me. He's really big on being upfront with her about stuff like that. So he was good, Joey was good. And I finally reached Chris, too, after about a million tries. Actually, he'd called me back. Twice. Once to say he finally got my messages, once to say he'd read the papers."

"How'd that go? He's...you all are tight, right? Still? I can't imagine the two of you not being like...the two musketeers or whatever. You guys were the biggest pain." Nick grinned at Justin. "How'd he take it? Did he threaten my life and my manhood and shit? Can I expect him at my door tomorrow with a baseball bat? He's scary, you know."

"He probably won't bring the baseball bat," said Justin with a straight face. "The rest? Possibly. I won't lie. He's a scary guy, especially when he's being protective. Which I think he'll probably do until the day I die. Other than that, though, I think it went pretty okay. Shocked him into silence, though. I've never actually done that before."

"Great," Nick groaned into Justin's shoulder. "This is payback for AJ, right? He's gonna scar me for life." He ran a hand down Justin's spine. "I can't believe he was quiet. I didn't think it was even possible. I think you probably managed to be the bombshell of the year for those guys, huh?"

"It was definitely a bombshell all right," said Justin. "Big time. Last thing Chris ever expected to hear me say, apparently. I'm kinda impressed that I finally managed to surprise him, though. I think he might even have been a little impressed, but it's hard to tell. He's still around, mostly. He's gonna come by tomorrow, hang out. Help me out with some stuff. He says he was out of town, out on the boat with a friend of his. That's why he didn't return my calls. He didn't know *any* of what was going on."

"I was wondering, when you said he wasn't calling you back." Nick nodded. "Hey, he's got a boat? Cool! I had no idea, and I try to keep track of stuff like that. But if he's stopping by, he can help you with the phone calls, at least, and the unpacking stuff too. Ask him for me if he's thought up any more fun booby traps for photographers." He sat quiet for a moment, just holding Justin. "And Lance?" he finally asked.

"Heh," said Justin, and for a minute it seemed like that was all he was gonna say about it, but then he finally went on. "He's doing good. I should have known he already knew everything that was going on, from Alicia right down to the papers today; he was just waiting for me to be the one to call him and tell him. Which, I mean, is pretty fair. It was okay. It was good. Awkward, but good."

"He's still got his finger on the pulse, huh?" Nick snickered. "Well, at least he didn't call you and tell you everything that was going on with yourself before you got the chance. That's always a little disconcerting. Wow, man, they all reacted real well, that's so cool. I'm guessing that means they'll all be here for your housewarming, huh?"

"Well they damn well better," said Justin. "Of course, I didn't tell them about it yet. I can do that tomorrow, when we have a little longer to talk. And I'm feeling a little more up to it. They'll come, though. The only one I was worried about was Lance and ... I think we're gonna be okay. I think we're gonna work this thing out."

"Excellent." Nick dropped a kiss on the back of Justin's neck. "Even if that's...it's worth it, you know, if all this mess gets you two back together again. It'll be good to see them all again, though. Kind of like old times, at the awards shows and stuff." He bounced Justin a little until he shifted. "Up for a second. I need more advil."

"Oh, damn, I didn't even ask," said Justin, rolling off him and onto the bed. "You doing okay, Nick? Can I do anything for you? We don't need to be all talking about me, here."

"Hangover headache's lingering," Nick reassured him with a smile. "That's all. And we *do* need to be all talking about you, here, you just came out to the world for the very first time. How does it feel to be a real, live, bisexual icon? With a boyfriend and everything?"

"Jesus," muttered Justin, looking away for a second. "Well, it comes down to that, doesn't it? Hadn't really ... put it in those words, you know? That's a little intimidating. I'm just ... I don't know what. Not as ready for this as I wish I was, maybe."

"You don't have to do anything," Nick said quickly, rummaging in his messenger bag and coming up with advil, which he swallowed dry. "I was kidding, about the icon thing, though just the fact that you aren't denying it is gonna make you. Us. Holy shit, I just came out to the whole world too." He sat still, blinking at Justin. He'd been so wrapped up in Justin that he hadn't even realized.

"Was it worth it?" asked Justin, very seriously. "*Is* it worth it? To keep going with this whole thing with me, right out in the open like this now? I know you sure as hell weren't expecting *that* when you ran into me in the supermarket."

Nick laughed, shook his head, and fell back onto the bed. "You, Timberlake, have turned my life totally inside out in less than thirty-six hours. It's worth every insane second, please believe me when I say that, and as for being out in the open, it was only a matter of time. We'll deal with it just fine, I think."

"God," said Justin, and started to laugh, too. "You know, I told myself I needed a change, but I sure didn't see *this* coming. Wow. Talk about life-changing. C'mere, Nick. C'mere."

"Yes?" Nick rolled to Justin's side and looked at him brightly. "You called? Can I help you with something?" He propped his chin on his hands and grinned.

"Yeah, I think you can," said Justin, pulling him down for a kiss. "If I'm gonna be a real, live, bisexual icon with a boyfriend, I'm at least gonna *enjoy* that boyfriend. Once I figure out how."

"Well, you're fairly bright and creative," Nick teased, holding back from the kiss and unable to stop smiling. "I have a lot of faith in your ability to figure that out, oh gorgeous icon boyfriend 'o mine. Just be sure to let me know, when you do, and if there's any hands-on training you need, you just come right to me."

"Oh, you think?" teased Justin. His smile looked nervous but not forced.And maybe a little excited, too. "I was just gonna go pay someone to show me the ropes, but if you think you're up for it ... " Then he pulled Nick closer again, or tried to. "Can you show me a little, maybe? Of how you like to do things?"

"You gonna pay me?" Nick kept teasing, but kept it gentle, and tugged one of his hands free to run from Justin's belly to his chest, stroking lightly. "I can show you what I like, if you promise to tell me what you think's good and what you don't like at all. And if I'm touching you, you have to touch me back. Just like how you like it."

"It's kinda hard not to touch you," confessed Justin. "I think ... actually, I think that's part of what's making it easier to accept all this. Because there's just no doubt in my mind that I want you, there's just no way I can deny it. That wasn't even an option when I took my walk and tried to start to sort this out."

"Yeah?" Nick smiled into his eyes and kept stroking his chest and sides and belly, letting his hand wander where it wanted to. "It's really hard for me not to touch you too. All the time, every time I see you, and it's...I can't even tell you how good it is to hear that you want me too. That makes me so much less nervous."

"Good," said Justin, but then he slipped away and offf the bed, standing up and stretching. "Just hang on a second then," he said, then to Nick's relief all he did was go over to the window and close the drapes completely so they could be certain of their privacy. "I won't promise I won't freak out a little again. I just promise I won't leave."

"That's all I want to hear," Nick assured him, propping himself back on his elbows and watching Justin move around the room. He kicked off his sandals and wiggled his toes. "You can freak out all you want, as long as you stick around and let me try to help. I think it's hard to freak when you're getting cuddled, though maybe that's just me."

"Oh, believe me, it's possible," said Justin, taking one last peek outside before heading back to the bed. The only piece of furniture in the room so far, surrounded by clothes and boxes and other hidden things. Everything about him right now seemed unfinished. In transition. "Oh ... I called my manager, too. I forgot to say. Um. That's not very sexy, though, is it. Forget I said that."

Nick sat up a little further and smiled wider. "It's cute. Everything you say is cute. Don't worry so much about being sexy...believe me, to me, everything you do is sexy. I want you all the time, no matter what." He held out one hand to Justin, wiggling his fingers. "C'mere, sexy boy. You can tell me about calling your manager all you like."

Justin laughed as he crawled back up onto the bed, stretching out next to Nick, and Nick was reminded again just how much Justin had grown up, in body and in mind. "He says he'll just have to change our marketing strategy, for my next album. I didn't talk about whether there would be one or not; he's a really great guy. After all the shit we went through for so long, I finally lucked out with someone."

"Oh, man. That's *great*. He must be the coolest manager ever!" Nick bounced a little on the bed, before leaning over and giving Justin a smacking kiss. "You did luck out. I didn't even call mine, he already knows and hates it, but he'll deal. Just think how cool it'll be promoting your new album. All the questions will finally be different!" He leaned in for a longer, slower kiss.

"They sure will," murmured Justin, slipping one leg between Nick's and closing his eyes. "I think I can live with that. I just want to ... I don't know. I want to live this life for myself for a while before I start living it in front of other people. I want to get used to it. Kiss me again?"

"I can't believe you're asking me that like I'll say no," Nick whispered, leaning closer until he was resting against Justin, sliding fingers under his t-shirt and crooking their knees together. He licked slowly and thoroughly over Justin's lower lip, not letting him deepen the kiss, until Justin was squirming impatiently and making little growling sounds.

Justin slid a hand up under Nick's shirt, fingers grappling at his back, when the phone in his pocket started to ring. "Aw fuck," he said as he pulled just slightly away from Nick. Just enough to wriggle the phone out of his pocket. "What timing."

Nick sighed as Justin fumbled with the phone, and tucked his face into the hollow of Justin's shoulder. Justin could talk all he wanted, but Nick was still going to play. He ran his tongue up the barely-salty column of Justin's throat, and his fingers found the deep groove of Justin's back. Smooth and hot, a treat for his senses, and he stroked firmly.

Justin let out a soft moan as he looked at the call display, then sighed. "I have to answer this," he said, but rolled his eyes before he did. He didn't say who it was. "Hey," he said, letting his own fingers rest against Nick's waist as he taled. "Yeah, yeah, I saw ... "

Nick wondered who it was, but was too polite to ask. Not too polite to be distracting, though, and he grinned a little as he started licking again, ignoring Justin's tightening fingers and protesting wiggle. Justin tasted good, and he was damned if he was going to deny himself because of some phone call. He pushed the t-shirt up higher, flattening his whole palm against Justin's spine, fingers curving around to the silky skin of his side. He pushed a little closer, drawing Justin's thigh higher between his own.

Justin laughed softly, then said, "No, no, not you, sorry. Is it what?" He frowned and gripped Nick a little tighter. "No, it is. Seriously, it is. No, I"m *not* kidding." There was a long silence this time, unpunctuated by *any* sound from Justin. At all. "Look, can we talk about this later? I'm a little busy right now. No, it's none of your business with what. I *will* call you later. I will."

Nick gentled his touch, going from 'turn Justin on' to 'make Justin calm,' in his head. When Justin sighed and nodded, and clicked the phone shut with a murmured goodbye, Nick raised his head and looked at him carefully, stroking his back and keeping his face blank. "You okay?"

"Yeah, sure, I'm fine," he said with another sigh, not sounding particularly fine, but not sounding particularly upset, either. "I'm fine. Where were we?"

"We were getting pretty cozy. Which is always nice, but do you want to talk about it? I mean, you don't sound like you're gonna leap to your death off the terrace or noth-anything, but that didn't sound like much fun, either." Nick kissed his nose lightly, hitching their bodies closer together. "If you want to talk about it, I'm happy to listen."

Justin snorted. "Just Britney," he said, like that was ever "just" anything in his world. "Should have known she'd pop out of the woodwork sooner or later. Would've let it just go to voicemail but she's the type to keep calling and calling until she gets what she wants. Girl is *not* happy about this."

Nick blinked at him. He'd forgotten that Britney even existed. "I hate to ask, but how the hell does it have anything to do with her? I mean, Alicia, yeah, I can see her being a little cranky about it, but you and Brit were ancient history *years* ago. And does she still get that pissy little whine in her voice when she's mad?"

"Oh yeah," said Justin with another roll of his eyes. "Bitch. She still thinks everything that I do with my life reflects on her in some way. Which I guess ... when they do in-depth articles on either one of us, the other always gets brought up, so maybe it does. Whatever. I'll call her tomorrow or something. Or send her a press release. Something."

"Send up a smoke signal. A singing telegram. Oooh, a strippergram!" Nick grinned at Justin, letting his fingers start wandering again. "She needs to get over it, anyway. She's only gonna benefit from any publicity at this point, so you think she'd at least be polite about it. Did she send me her love?"

"Well, she did say "Well, are you fucking that blond bitch?" to which I probably should have said no, her and I broke up years ago. But I was a gentleman and let it go. Actually, I should ask my lawyer before calling. I'm not sure I'm supposed to be talking to her at all. That would solve this nicely."

Nick snorted, a little indignant. "She called *me* a bitch? Now that's pretty fucking rich, I've gotta say. And you didn't defend my honor? Jeez, Justin, what kind of boyfriend *are* you?" He smirked. "Don't worry about it too much. She and I never got along all that well anyway, and really, I've got the best revenge right here." He wrapped his arms around Justin and rolled suddenly to his back, bringing Justin with him. "See?" He smiled happily.

"I don't want to talk about her anymore," he said, closing his eyes again as he leaned in for a kiss. Blindly, he turned the phone off and tossed it on the floor. "She's in the past. She was a mistake. I don't care how she feels about this or what they might say about her because of it. Not my problem."

"Nope," Nick agreed, dropping little kisses onto his lips between words. "Definitely not. New chapter, remember? And I have to say, I'm a little offended here that you've got a gorgeous blond all spread out underneath you and you're thinking about something else." He grinned at Justin, shifting his legs until he could hook an ankle around the back of his knee.

"Don't be," murmured Justin. "You know how things are right now. My head's all over the place, I just usually don't say. There's a lot going on." He slid his hand up to where it had been before the call, more or less. "You're always so warm."

"I'm just teasing," Nick said, serious suddenly, even as he arched closer to Justin's hand, bearing the weight of his body easily. "You know that, right? When I'm not being serious? Sometimes I do it when it's not the right time, I know, but I just like to see you smile..." he trailed off, and ran both hands underneath Justin's shirt, cupping his shoulderblades and curling his fingers lightly into warm skin.

"I know you are," said Justin. "I know you are. I'm learning to know you, Nick. I just want you to know, too, there are always a hundred things going on in my head. But right now you're on top, I promise you."

"Actually, you're on top," Nick pointed out, grinning again. "In practical terms, anyway." He freed a hand, and brought it up to Justin's face, rubbing his thumb lightly over the worried crease in Justin's forehead. "I know there are a hundred things going on in there. Let me help you forget them for a little while?"

"I'm not sure if you can," said Justin, "but I'd really like to let you try. Show me, Nick? Show me how this is a great and wonderful thing?"

"I can do that." Nick dragged his thumb down Justin's nose, over the dip of his lip, then to his mouth, sliding it back and forth and then down to his chin. He was totally focused on Justin. "I can try," he amended, tugging at Justin's t-shirt with his other hand. "What do you want? What can I do, what do you think you're ready for now?"

"I don't know," said Justin, his eyes wide and clear. No sign of so much as coyness in them. "I don't know yet what I'm going to like or not, when it comes to this. Just ... try stuff? With me? That maybe I haven't done before?"

Nick ducked his chin, thinking about that. "Okay," he finally said, "but if it's something you feel weird about, you tell me to stop." He tugged and pulled until Justin's shirt was over his head and off, and spent a minute appreciating the gorgeous body he was allowed to touch. Even encouraged to touch. "How about you take your clothes off? The rest of them? And me too, and then we'll see what you like."

Justin slid away enough to do that, and chuckled nervously. "This is a lot weirder in the middle of the day, with no alcohol running through my system," he admitted, starting to strip off his pants. "There's usually been beer involved before."

"It's better without beer," Nick said idly, fingering the buttons on his shirt hesitantly, then rolling off the bed long enough to fold back the covers. He stripped quickly and slid between the sheets, shivering a little at their coolness against his skin. "Okay, come back," he said, voice soft as he looked at Justin's body. "I need to touch you some more."

"Under the covers?" said Justin with a little smile, half-covering himself with his hand before he slid into the bed next to Nick. "Okay. That's really sweet. And romantic. I told you I liked romantic, right? Probably blushed when I told you?"

"You did, and it was adorable," Nick said, turning to face Justin on his side, sliding a hand over his side, his hip, down to his thigh, watching his reactions. "I'm gonna...we didn't get to do this last night. With the fast, and everything. But I really like it, so..." He moved a little closer, until they were sharing breath, and kept exploring Justin's body. A crisp dusting of hair on his thigh, the satin bareness of his hip, the extra heat in the small of his back.

"Last night was a lot different than this," said Justin, "but it was good. Got me past my jitters. I know -- kinda -- what it's like now with you. A little part of it, anyway." He shifted closer, the front of his body up against Nick's, and he didn't even flinch as Nick's erection pressed against him. "Enough to make me want to know more."

"Yeah?" Nick smiled at him, a little breathless at the way they were touching, and slipped his hand down the swell of Justin's ass, cupping the back of his thigh and lifting gently until Justin's leg was bending, sliding over his own thigh, and then it was draped over his hip. He was much closer now, and Nick shifted his pelvis, and Justin's erection dragged up the length of his own. "More like that?" He was having trouble getting the words out, with the way Justin's heat was warming him, and the unbelievable softness of Justin's inner thigh under his fingers.

"Yeah," breathed Justin, his voice hitching. "God. You'd think I was a blushing virgin the way my heart's pounding right now. Can I ... ?" His hand drifted down Nick's body until it was poised over their erections. "Or should I not?"

"You can if you want," Nick nodded. "Anything you want. There's no way you can touch me that'll be bad." He moved his own hand higher on Justin's leg, touching the crease at the top of his thigh with gentle fingers. "If you do, though, it's gonna be over pretty soon." There was breathless laughter in his voice; he couldn't remember the last time he'd been so turned on, so fast.

Justin lay his hand flat against Nick's stomach instead. "I don't want it to be over fast," he explained. "None of it. One of these days, though. Once of these days I'm gonna come in and seduce you and sweep you off your freet, Nicky. You just wait and see."

"You sweep me off my feet every time I see you," Nick said simply, before shaking his head at what a dork he could be. He pulled Justin's leg a little higher, and caught his breath when his nipple rubbed over Justin's. "You don't have to try, with me. You've got me."

"No no," insisted Justin. "I like to. I like to do that, it'll make me happy. So you just have to let me, okay? You have to let me romance you and sweep you off your feet, when I'm ready. That would be really good, really great."

Nick laughed for real then, delighted. "You can do that. I'll definitely let you, wow, Justin. I can't imagine it'll make you any happier than it'll make me, though." He drew his hands up Justin's body, letting his fingers brush the crease of his ass, then up along his spine. "At the moment, though, I think it would be good if you touched me, a little. If you wanted to."

"I am, I am." And then Justin stopped talking about it -- stopped thinking about it so much, maybe, if Nick was lucky -- and started doing something about it. His hands traced up Nick's body, all over, his thighs, his sides, his arms, his back, and even down over his ass.

"Yeah, like that," he breathed, moving against Justin encouragingly. "It feels so good when you do that, you have gorgeous hands..." Justin's fingers were light and a little hesitant, but every touch made Nick shiver. "See? Not so scary."

"Very man-shaped," Justin noted, then grinned and kissed him. "I'm not scared." When he pushed lightly against Nick's shoulder so that he was on top again, it was very clear he was being honest about that, but then suddenly he laughed. At Nick's curious look he just shook his head a little. "I just keep expecting you to be smaller, is all," he admitted. "It always takes me by surprise, that you're as big as I am."

"Bigger," Nick corrected, glancing down at the way their bodies pressed together, liking the way he could touch so much of Justin in this position. Both of his hands could play. He thought a moment, then bit his lip and slid his hands down to cup Justin's ass firmly, pulling him into a long, dirty grind against Nick. "How 'bout that?" he breathed. "You're definitely man-shaped too. Thank god."

Justin gasped and his eyes snapped shut again for a moment. "Yeah," he said finally. "I'm glad I am, too. Since you wouldn't be doing me otherwise. Do you think we might have sex? Any chance of that?"

"I think we could probably do that," Nick said softly. "How do you want it? What can we do?" He kept his hands where they were, and just rolled his hips up against Justin's, slow and easy like a wave. Good feelings were popping and sparking along his nerve endings, and Justin was arching in his hands, and if something didn't happen soon, Nick's head was going to explode. He'd been hard *forever*.

Justin licked his lips as he clutched at Nick's upper arms. "I don't know," he said. "I never thought about it. Um. How do you normally do it? How do you like it?"

"I like it all ways," Nick admitted. "I think maybe...let's see. Can I..." He let his hands slip lower, fingers sliding in and down and not pushing, just touching, and he watched Justin's eyes widen.

"Um ... " he said slowly, licking his lips again. "Um. Wow. Um. Maybe? How about ... how about we just try, and see what happens, yeah?"

"No, no," Nick shook his head. "I just want to touch you a little. We got lots of time for doing stuff. It's not something...it's the hardest thing to get used to, I think." He ran a fingertip lightly down the crease of Justin's body, teasing a little and hoping it felt good.

"Ohhh," said Justin, obviously relieved even though his body remained tense. "Oh, okay." He squirmed a little bit and made a face, but it didn't seem like a bad one, even if Nick wasn't sure it was an entirely *good* one. "Tell me what to do?"

"Just relax," Nick hummed, touching him gently, still rolling his hips a little, as a distraction. "Tell me how it feels?" He licked one finger slick, then used it to gently circle the entrance to Justin's body, dipping inside for a fraction of a second before going back to his circles. "Have you ever...?"

"No," said Justin, squirming again. "Maybe. Probably. But I don't remember ... so not when I was sober. Yeah. I think." He was tensing even more, but not moving away. "It feels ... okay. So far. I'm not sure yet."

"Shhhh." Nick ran his free hand up Justin's back. "Want me to stop? You just tell me, and I will." He smiled up at Justin's face, seeing that adorable little furrow again. "It feels really good. Honest. There's a reason people do it."

"I'm still figuring it out," he mumbled, shifting a little against Nick's touch. "Figuring out what I'm feeling. It's not *bad*. It's just ... try some more? Maybe?"

"Kay." Nick dipped the finger inside again, pushing a little harder this time, and the tight burning heat made him bite his lip. "I'm gonna go a little deeper," he warned softly, and wiggled his hand, moving his finger until it slipped in easily. "Still okay?" His other hand was sweeping over Justin's shoulders, petting him.

Justin laughed suddenly, then stopped just as abruptly when the laughter caused him to clench around Nick's finger. "Yeah, yeah, I'm okay. That feels kinda weird, though, you being all inside there. Do something."

"Okay." Nick grinned a little, and crooked his finger.

Justin clenched again and halfway sat up, but Nick guessed it was for a very different reason this time. "Oh, hey," he said, breathlessly, his eyes wide open again. "Oh ... oh, hey. Hey. What the ... ?"

"Nice, right?" Nick couldn't help but feel a little smug, though he groaned when Justin squirmed on his finger, grinding down against him. "I'm just gonna..." He turned his wrist to get a better angle, and started stroking in and out of Justin, careful to bump his prostate every time.

Justin moaned before answering, which was compliment enough right there. "I'm starting to get the point," he said, pushing back against Nick's finger. "Of this whole thing. Can't really imagine this til you ... til you feel it yourself ... "

Nick watched Justin arch his back and tip his head back, and his mouth was too dry to speak. His free hand raised without conscious thought, pushing two fingers against the softness of Justin's lower lip, until Justin got the point and sucked them in. "Can I try two?" Nick finally asked, shivering at the sweep of Justin's tongue over his fingers. "Two is good."

"Uh huh," said Justin from his throat as he sucked the fingers into his mouth, wetting them completely and enthusiastically. Nick didn't need any more answer than that.

Two was good, but tight, and Nick worked them into Justin slow and easy, pausing often to let him adjust. "Okay?" he breathed finally, twisting them gently. Justin was *so* tight, Nick almost couldn't stand it. "Still okay, J?"

"Yeah ... " he said slowly. "Yeah ... yeah, I'm okay. I just ... I can't imagine anyone being able to get anything more than *that* in. Feels ... god, it feels really tight. But still good."

"Don't worry about more right now," Nick murmured, twisting the fingers again until Justin shivered, and he knew he'd found the right spot. "Yeah, that's good," he said, almost to himself, and spread his fingers slightly, feeling Justin start to relax. "And then you add this..." he started moving under Justin again, rubbing against him slowly.

Justin's legs just spread wider to accommodate him, naturally. "Oh," he said again, like each motion was a discovery. "Oh yeah, okay. I get it ... I get it ... "

Nick pulled Justin down close again, burying his face against him as they rocked together. Justin was open to his fingers now, pushing back against his hand, those hips moving like liquid, and Nick had to close his teeth over Justin's shoulder to keep from begging. He picked up the pace, lifting his hips off the bed and gasping as his cock slid against the slick heat of Justin's belly.

"Okay," Justin said again, maybe because it was an easy thing to say when you were breathless and panting. "Okay ... I think I get ... how you might ... might be able to get more in. Oh damn, Nicky, keep going, don't stop ... "

"Not stopping," Nick gasped out, using the fingers inside Justin to push him up higher on his body. "Hold on..." he couldn't lie still any more, every muscle in his body was tight and aching, and he sat up, bringing Justin with him, straddling his lap and sitting on his fingers, Nick's other hand bracing him as his eyes flared wide. Nick just loved gravity, sometimes.

He hissed and licked his lips and looked dazed for a long time before he managed to say *any*thing. "Do you want to?" he asked finally, moving himself against Nick's fingers. "Do you want to, um, try? You know?"

"Yes," Nick blurted, before shaking his head. "No. No, this is good, like this." He wanted to leave Justin curious and wanting more, not freaked out, and even through the buzzing in his brain he knew that it would be too much. "Just let me..." He pulled Justin closer and finally kissed him, hard and deep and wet, and pushed his fingers up mercilessly, until Justin was writhing.

"Oh god," Justin mumbled insto his mouth as he pushed and pushed and pushed against Nick, rocking their bodies together faster and faster. "Okay ... this is good ... " More than good, from the look of him, and more than good for Nick, too.

Nick dug his heels into the bedspread, holding Justin in the curve of his body as his orgasm started to shiver through him. He went still and silent at the top of a thrust, just trying to remember to breathe, as hot sparks flashed to his fingertips and his whole body shook. "Justin," he hissed, "Jussssstin, oh, god..."

Justin kept sliding against him, seeming barely aware of what was going on. Until Nick felt him contract around his fingers, felt him start coming against their stomachs. And most of all, heard the moan escape from his lips.

"God," he breathed again, diving for Justin's mouth and swallowing the moan. "Yeahyeahyeah," as Justin slowly stopped moving, finally relaxing into stillness, resting against him as he just held on, clinging as his heartbeat slowed. He moved his free hand up Justin's back, tangling them in the damp curls on his head, and kept kissing, softer now.

"I can't sit up anymore," Justin whispered, resting his forehead against Nick's shoulder. "I can't ... I can't ... oh my *god*, Nick ... holy shit ... "

"You don't have to." Nick rested back against the headboard, keeping Justin flush against his body. He gently pulled his fingers free, but didn't move more than that, curling his arms low around Justin's waist and supporting him. "God. Justin. You...I just..." He broke off and shook his head, smiling a little at his inability to find words. "Holy shit."

"Yeah. Exactly." Justin left his forehead pressed against Nick, but moved so that some of his weight rested on the bed. "Wow, Nick. Um. I guess now would be a bad time to freak out a little?"

"If you can find the energy to freak out, have at it," Nick said sincerely. "I probably won't be very helpful to you, though, I'm still trying to locate my brain. It melted, y'see." He rocked Justin a little. "Whatcha freaking out about?"

"You were just ... we were just ... I was just ... " he got out, which could have meant a whole hell of a lot of things, but Nick knew exactly what he was talking about anyway. "And it was *good*. Really good. I liked it."

"That's good. That's a good thing, right? That you liked it?" Nick stretched his legs out before they could cramp, and inched down until he was lying comfortably, Justin still blanketing him. "You're supposed to like it, if it's happening right. Remember, that's something you coulda done with a girl, too."

"But I hadn't," said Justin, which seems to be what it came down to, for him. "I hadn't ever done that before. With ... that. No one's ever turned me on like that, I think. By doing that. I'm a little freaked out, I think. Just a little."

"Okay," Nick said quietly, trying to remember the first time he'd done it. There had been JC, and...JC, and he couldn't remember freaking out, but JC hadn't really given him much time to. "Is it okay to tell you I'm really glad it turned you on? I'm glad I made you feel good. And...and that's new, and so it's kind of special, and I'm glad I could."

"All these years and I've never done that," mused Justin, wrapping an arm around Nick's body. "Maybe I was repressing more than I thought I was. I'm glad it turned me on too, though. I was expecting it to. It's just a little freaky, to have it actually finally happen."

"Yeah." Nick huffed a little laugh into Justin's hair. "It's always like that with the new things. But that...that's one of the good things about sex, you know? One of the feels-really-good-do-it-more things, at least for me. And watching someone when you're doing it...it's amazing. Seriously. You looked so...hot."

"It felt hot," said Justin. "All of it, it was really hot. Unbelievably hot. I'm an ass for waiting so long. Maybe if I had just realized, then all the things that are going wrong with my life now would never have ... " He cut himself off there and shook his head. "But there's no sense thinking about that. I won't."

"Nope, you shouldn't." Nick shifted Justin off of him, rolling them to the side. "You can't go back, and you're not an ass. You were just waiting." He smiled again, still basking in the afterglow. "And now you're not, and you *are* unbelievably hot, and I'm the luckiest guy in the whole world."

"I thought you were going to ... you know," said Justin, resting against the pillow and smiling back at him, finally. "But you didn't. How come?"

Nick shrugged, and ran his thumb idly over Justin's collarbone. "I just...I didn't want it to happen by accident. And plus, it's something you can build up to, you know? To avoid too much...uh...soreness." He grinned a little. "It's even better, though. At least I think so."

"But I'm not sore though," said Justin, wriggling his hips to test that out. "I thought I would be but ... oh, well maybe a little," he had to admit. "I guess ... I probably would be freaking out more if we had, yeah. But I would have. Right then? I would have."

"Well, wait a little, for the soreness," Nick warned, "unless you're lucky. I could tell you would have. I was *so* close, J, you don't even know. But now...you'd be freaking out lots more, I bet. It's different from fingers. At least it was for me. More than just the size thing, too."

"It changes everything," murmured Justin. "I think. In my head it does. It's the big one, you know? The thing you can't do with anyone else. And if you had, then you would have been holding me and touching me while we were doing it and ... as much as I love doing lots of other stuff in bed -- and I do -- that kind of thing was always my favorite. Getting that intimate with someone. Maybe yeah ... it's a good idea to wait."

"We've only been together for two days," Nick reminded him gently. "And two days ago you weren't ready to have sex at all, and today you wanted to be sure you had space. It does change everything, so...I didn't want to push it. But I got to touch you and hold you and all that good stuff anyway, which was awful nice."

Justin laughed sheepishly. "I know, I know. It's easy to say and believe that stuff when my dick isn't doing the talking for me. And when I'm really thinking I still agree with it. But in the heat of the moment ... it's pretty easy to want it all."

"Tell me about it," Nick groaned a little, poking Justin in the side. "I should get a medal. Lots of medals. You're the sexiest thing I've ever seen, and if I didn't love the way you looked on my fingers so much, we'd be having a totally different conversation right now." He pulled the sheet over himself, draping one corner over Justin, shivering a little in the air conditioning as the sweat cooled on his body.

"Thank you," said Justin, giving him a little kiss on the neck. "For looking out for me like that. You *should* get a medal. Will you settle for me feeding you some cold pizza? I think it's all I've got in the way of a reward right now."

"I'll settle for you kissing me again," Nick grinned, sliding his hand down Justin's arm and linking their fingers. "Better than a medal. Much better than cold pizza. I could definitely use a glass of water, though, and maybe a shower. I'm all sticky."

Justin looked down at them and nodded his agreement. "It's bad enough with just *one*," he said. "With two it's a real mess. You're in luck, though. I unpacked some towels already. There's even soap in the bathroom." Only then did he lean in and give him the kiss that he'd asked for.

"Mmm, soap," Nick said, when Justin pulled back for air. He grinned and kissed him again, lightly, not wanting to get all worked up again. "And towels, even. J, you're too good to me." He smacked Justin's thigh and looked around for his shirt, sighing when he couldn't see it. "Where is the bathroom, anyway?"

Justin gestured toward the other side of the room. "Over there," he said, hardly looking where he was waving. "There's a door. It can't be too hard to find; you don't even have to leave the room." It was hard for Nick to go anywhere, though, with Justin looking at him like that.

"Um." Nick fidgeted a little, pleating the sheet in his fingers. "You're staring. Do I have something on my face?" He laughed selfconsciously, and tugged his bangs. "You'd tell me, right? Nice people do that for each other, you know." He pulled the sheet more tightly around his side and waist.

Justin just leaned in and kissed him again. "I like looking at you right now," he said. "And besides. I'm trying to convince myself this is all really real. I just ... we just ... and it was *good*." He still sounded a bit astonished by that. "I'm not supposed to be this happy right now. I'm supposed to be a mess. But I'm really not."

Nick smiled his relief. "Yeah? Really? You're happy?" He kissed Justin back. "No mess is good mess. Or something." He bounced a little on the bed, too happy to hold it in. "It's really real, we messed around and it *was* good, it was fantastic. We are officially compatible in bed." He grinned again.

Justin grinned back that time. "Well at least we have our priorities straight," he said. "You want me to give you some up close and personal directions to the bathroom, maybe? That soap's pretty tricky, I might have to show you how it works."

Nick nodded solemnly. "I've always had trouble with soap. It's all slippery, and damned if I can ever find the instructions." He gave Justin a little shove towards the edge of the bed. "You have to show me the way, or I'll get lost. No hanky panky in the shower, though, Howie has a horror story about breaking his nose this one time when he slipped."

"I've always been very successful with shower hanky panky, I'll have you know," insisted Justin, taking his time about getting out of the bed. "But just this once, I'll be good. Just for you. And if you're lucky, I'll even wash your back. And your dirty bits."

"Oooooh," Nick sighed dramatically, waiting till Justin was out of bed completely before sliding after him, pressing up against his back immediately. "You can't be *too* good if you're gonna wash my dirty bits. Those are the funnest bits, too." He rested his hands on Justin's slim hips, following him closely. "I might have to get those sticky pads for the shower for you as a housewarming gift. Non-slip."

"And there's not going to be anyone besides us using the master bathroom to have to explain them to," said Justin, reaching back to lay one of his hands over Nick's. "Good call. I hate those awkward questions. So ... speaking of awkward questions, how long to I get to keep you this evening? Do you have class tomorrow?"

"Not till the afternoon," Nick murmured against Justin's shoulder, breathing in the warm salty scent of him. "So you've got me as long as you want me. Well, no. I have a whole econ problem set to do, but I'm not thinking about that." He steered Justin through the door, flipping the light and rolling his eyes a little at the huge wall of mirrors. "Jeez, J, someone'd think you liked to look at yourself." He kept his eyes firmly on Justin.

"I swear, it was like this when I got it," he said, but he didn't look like he objected much. "Don't you like to look at yourself from all angles? Make sure everything's looking good?"

"*Some* of us aren't walking talking monuments to vanity, y'know," Nick teased, happy watching the way his hand looked on Justin's side. "There aren't mirrors in the shower, are there? Because that would just be freaky. Though..." he cocked his head and looked at Justin more carefully. "...I bet you look unbelievable, wet..."

"There are no mirrors in the shower," Justin assured him, turning around to give Nick a kiss on the neck. "Though if you like the view so much, I might have to have them installed. Then again ... that really is kinda weird. You'll just have to look at me without."

"I can do that." Nick smiled at him, and gave him a gentle push into the shower. The mirrors were starting to wig him out. "Believe me, you aren't gonna have to twist my arm. I never get tired of this view." He paused, and grimaced. "Please slap me. Something about you just brings out my inner cheeseball like never before."

"I'll allow it," teased Justin. "You are still afterglowing, I think. I'll just take it as a compliment, that I scramble you up that much. I don't remember the last time I did that to someone."

"Scambled like eggs," Nick agreed, smiling back at him and turning on the water. "I've been topsy turvey for days now, ever since you came back. And don't be too surprised if the afterglow, and cheesiness, last a while longer. Like...days. I'm just warning you." He cupped his hands under the water, then let it spill out down Justin's chest.

"It's funny, seeing you so happy," said Justin, out of the blue. "I mean, not *funny*, but funny. I'm still not used to it. I never used to see you like this at all, before. It makes you look so great, though."

Nick blinked water off his eyelashes and licked it off his lips, shifting uncomfortably. "Did I look really not-happy before, does that mean? I mean. I am happy now, yeah, right now's really good."

"*Before*," said Justin, reaching up to slick his hair back off his forehead. "You know. Before. When we were still who we used to be. Nick Carter of the Backstreet Boys and Justin Timberlake of Nsync. You didn't look so happy then. But you do now, your whole face has changed. Your whole everything has changed."

"Yes. I am no longer a slave to the tanning bed and makeup artists," Nick intoned, leaning into Justin's touch without conscious thought. "Plus, you know, wrinkles." He stepped closer to Justin, snaking an arm around his waist and just enjoying the closeness. "I wasn't always unhappy then, you know. I had good times, too. It was just...a lot."

"Yeah, I know," said Justin. "I know. I do. It'll probably do me some good too, to get away from that for a while. You think? I never had been before. I seem to be picking up the slacking thing okay so far, maybe I can do that too."

Nick laughed a little, turning Justin around and grabbing the shampoo, squirting some on wet curls. "You're doing real good with the slacking thing, it's true. And time off, a real honest break...I think everyone needs that sometimes. No matter how much you love what you do, down time is fucking *essential* for sanity."

"I think I've stayed pretty sane so far," said Justin, tilting his head back. "Thank you. For indulging my romantic side. This is kinda nice."

"You're very sane," Nick assured him, massaging his hair gently, working up a full head of bubbles that hid Justin's curls entirely. He stepped back and tilted his head consideringly. "Wow, I think I have a great idea what you'll look like when you're eighty, now. Good thing you'll keep your looks." He snickered.

Justin looked back at him and grinned. "You know I will," he said. "And am willing to spend large sums of money to do it. Of course, I'll colour my hair, too, so you're off base anyway."

"You will not," Nick argued, dabbing bubbles onto the end of his nose. Justin made him want to play. "You'll go grey with distinguishedness. Or whatever that word is. And you'll always be the most beautiful thing. Large sums of money or not."

"I will do no such thing," protested Justin, trying to blow the bubbles off his nose and doing nothing but spreading them. "I will not grow old gracefully, dammit. I will not grow old at all. I'm stopping at thirty, right when I get respectable."

"Okay, Peter Pan. C'mere and rinse." He tipped Justin's head back under the warm spray, rubbing the foam out and then kissing him, tasting water and traces of soap and Justin. "You're getting respectable now, you know. I mean, except for the scandalous older man in your life, and all."

"Heh," he said, shaking his head. "Divorcing the current top-of-the-heap diva is not great for your respectability, I think. Add the scandalous older man to that and I'm just not the respectable type."

"Oh, no, divorce is very respectable," Nick said earnestly, taking his turn under the shower. "All the best people do it, you know. You haven't really arrived till you've had at least one hight-profile split. Just ask Brad and Jen and Ryan and Reese. Dude, by the way, he still looks *just* like you."

"That's always been a little freakish," said Justin, sputtering a little as he stepped out of Nick's way. "You know, we're almost too big for this. So you want me to wash your hair, too? Wash the rest of you?"

"Yes." Nick grinned, and spread his arms wide, flattening his palms against both sides of the shower and sucking in his stomach, still under the spray. "I have it on good authority that it's very respectable to wash your scandalous older male lover. *All* of him."

Justin looked startled for a second, but then thankfully didn't think about it too hard and just reached for the shampoo. "Well, he said, pulling Nick's head forward so he could start lathering. "Let's just see what eighty-year-old Nick is gonna look like, then."

"Old. Wrinkly. Fat. Bald, probably," Nick sighed, tipping his head willingly into Justin's hands. "It's okay, though, I'll get to be a bitchy old queen and terrorize all my exes and my brothers and my grandkids, and get my way always, and eat anything I want. I'll have a cute poolboy and make him mow the lawn in Speedos. It'll be fine."

"So nothing's gonna change, you mean," teased Justin, molding Nick's lathered hair up into spikes. "That's cool. Can I terrorize your guys too?"

"I'm not bald!" Nick swatted at Justin. "Of course you can, when you're not busy terrorizing your own. I don't know though. Someone who's gonna be thirty and beautiful forever...you sure you want to be seen with fat wrinkly old me? It'll make you look good, sure, but it's bound to bring down your cool points."

"I think I would be pretty happy to be seen with you, any time," said Justin, tilting Nick's head back to rinse his hair out. "Even grinding with you in a club in Orlando, the first day we're together. Whether it's cool or not."

Nick winced a little, remembering the tabloid for the first time in a while. "Um, yeah. Well, it was really cool at the time, at least for me. Kevin would probably argue with me, but he's a dumbass anyway." He swayed slightly, the hot water and Justin's hands and lingering stomach-empty hangover making him lightheaded, and he propped himself back on the wall. "You'll be welcome. I'll even have a lawnchair with your name on it."

"Good," said Justin, satisfied. "You can bet it's gonna be filled." He reached for the soap and started lathering up Nick's body, quickly and effiicently. He didn't even linger in certain areas. Much. "You doing okay? You look a little ... flushed, or something."

"Just a little dizzy. You turn my head, Timberlake." Nick laughed, but kept a careful hand on the wall. "Well, you and the hangover that would not die." He hummed a bit when Justin's soapy hand swept down between his legs, then back up over his stomach. It was starting to ache a little from being held in for so long. "I seem to remember a promise to scrub my back..."

"I will," Justin assured him. "I promise. You just seem really tense, too. And hot water's supposed to relax you. Are you sure that's all that's wrong, Nick?"

"What, the hangover?" Nick wiped water out of his eyes with his free hand. "Yeah, pretty sure. Why? Do I look bad? I'm not tense, I'm having fun playing in the water with you." He turned away from Justin and relaxed, letting his muscles go, and smiled over his shoulder with more than a little relief.

"That's better," said Justin, running his hands down Nick's sides, then up his back. "There you go. I guess all it took was a few sweet words from me to relax you." He reached for the soap again, but before he did anything with it he rested a hand on Nick's stomach and kissed his back.

Nick's muscles jumped to tightness again, their automatic reaction to touch from anyone but Howie, and he barely even noticed. "Sweet words from you do a *lot* of nice things to me," he admitted, leaning his forehead against his braced arm. "I think I'm *definitely* going to get you those non-slippy things, by the way. I like this shower a lot."

"Did I do something?" asked Justin, drawing his hand away slowing and hesitating before soaping up Nick's back. "Or are you just ready to get out of here?"

"What?" Nick peered back over his shoulder, puzzled, wiggling encouragingly as he relaxed again. Justin's hands felt so good... "What are you talking about? I've got a lot of back, you know, so I'm definitely not ready to get out of here. And you're doing all right things, nothing wrong."

"You tensed up again," said Justin, taking his time this time. "I thought maybe I did something you didn't like. This feel good? I always liked it."

"I did?" Nick blinked water out of his eyes again. "That feels great. I'm not tense, I don't think, that feels amazing. I've always had a thing for...um. Big hands." He could feel himself flushing, but refused to get too embarrassed. It was only the truth, after all.

"Well, I can deflnitely help you out with that one," said Justin, nudging Nick further under the spray again. "And you did, you tensed up again. You're okay now, but you did. You need me to give you another massage?" When he was done washing Nick's back he wrapped his arms around Nick's body and rested both hands on his stomach as he hung his chin over Nick's shoulder. "I wouldn't mind."

Nick's stomach muscles clenched tight, and he opened his mouth to tease Justin about massages and shower heads, before realizing it had happened. "Oh," he said weakly. "That? Um, no, I don't need another massage. Well, I'd like one, but I don't *need* one. I'm good."

"Forgive me if I don't believe you," said Justin, letting go and reaching over to turn off the water. "I'll just get you a towel, Nicky. I'll be right back." And before Nick could say anything, he was already out of the shower and padding away."

"But..." Nick stood still, dripping quietly, until Justin came back with a towel, his expression unreadable. "I didn't know that was what you were talking about," he explained carefully, reaching for the towel and running it over himself before wrapping it around his waist. He didn't want to have this conversation naked. "Honest, I wasn't being evasive or anything."

"No, you just apparently don't want to be held by me anymore and you won't tell me why," said Justin, standing there naked in front of him as he started to dry his hair. "You know I'm new to this. You should just tell me when I'm doing something you don't like."

"What?" Nick's jaw dropped in shock, and he reached for Justin instinctively. "I love it when you touch me, I don't want anything more than I want that. I...Ste used to...there was pinching, sometimes. He called it...but that doesn't matter. It's just a habit, like...I don't know. I just want to look good to you."

Justin met his eyes and stared for a moment. "I don't understand," he said finally. "I ... what are you talking about, Nick? What did he do?"

"It's a stupid girly habit," Nick sighed, slicking water out of his hair. "BJ used to call it 'sucking it in.' I didn't even know I was doing it, it's just a habit. He just used to tease me a little, is all, and not even in a mean way."

Justin still looked confused for a moment, then finally seemed to get it. "Oh," he said. "Oh! Well just stop that, Nicky. It's just me, and that *can't* be comfortable. Come on, you've had your fingers up my ass, we're kind of a little bit intimate already now."

Nick snorted a laugh, shaking his head. "When you put it that way..." He grabbed another towel and started rubbing at his dripping hair. "It's not uncomfortable. I don't even notice, really, anymore, unless I'm bare for too long." He flipped the end of the damp towel at Justin's hip. "And it has nothing to do with fingers and asses, dork!"

"It does to me!" protested Justin. "I'm self-conscious about that; you're self-conscious about ... whatever. Same thing, different bit of the anatomy. And both pretty silly, when it comes down to it. I'm just ... wow, really glad it wasn't something I did. I was really worried."

"It was nothing you did," Nick assured him, needing to make that perfectly clear. "You're not really self-conscious about that, are you? I mean, it's new and it'll take getting used to, I know that, but for one thing, you were the hottest thing I've ever seen, and for another, you have an amazingly gorgeous ass. Really. And I look at asses, I know from gorgeous."

"What, are you kiddig?" said Justin. "I'm totally self-conscious about that. It's my *ass*. And you were *in* it. I've been all self-conscious for a while. So I just stopped talking about it."

Nick regarded him carefully, then dropped the hair-towel and tugged at Justin's hand. "C'mon. Back to bed for a few minutes, and we can talk about it more, because it *looked* like it felt really good, and I sure loved doing it, so I need more info." He pulled Justin back to the bedroom. "Are you...do you think it's bad? Or dirty, or girly, or something?"

"Oh, hey, no," he said. "It was good. It felt good. I'm just still processing it. It was all uncharted territory before, you know? And now it's not. And I don't think it's *bad* or anything, it's just different. And wait a second ... we aren't talking aboue me, here, we were talking about *you*."

"Nooooo," Nick said slowly, pushing him down to a seat on the bed, then taking the towel from him and starting to rub it over still-dripping curls. "We were talking about you, I'm pretty sure. Because something that feels that good shouldn't make you self-conscious, and it's a whole new thing for you, and I liked it. Really liked it, and want to do it more with you, and have you do it to me, so I don't want you to feel squiggly about it."

"Okay, so are you telling me that if, right now, I told you that I wanted to play with your ass, you wouldn't be the least bit self-conscious?" asked Justin. "Seriously?"

"I'd be a little surprised, probably," Nick grinned down at him. "And my ass ain't as pretty as yours, but no, not too much. I've never had any complaints about it, after all, and you already know a little bit--just a little bit--about how nice it can be. So, no. I might throw a party, though."

"Well, okay, so it's just me, then," said Justin with a sigh. "We all have our hang-ups, I guess. Gimme a little time to get used to it and I'll be good. It's not sore anymore, by the way. It feel a little ... different ... but not sore, so much."

"You don't have to get used to everything right away," Nick said seriously, replacing the towel with his fingers, carding them through Justin's hair. "Just tell me when you've got a thing you need to get used to, so I know. I'm glad you're not sore."

"Well, so far just the ass thing," said Justin. "Oh ... and plus the whole having a boyfriend thing, and suddenly being out thing, and being recently separated, and, on yeah, not really knowing what the hell I'm doing with my life. But that's it, I think. Everything else that I've done I'm pretty much used to."

Nick laughed helplessly, shaking his head and pulling Justin into a hug. "God. Well, yeah, that whole life-changing thing can be a real kicker, huh? All things considered, I think you're handling it like a pro, though." He slid to his knees by the bed and kissed Justin's nose, his chin, then his mouth. "You're unbelievable, actually."

"I'm scared I'm gonna wake up one of these days and find out that it's been shock holding me together all along and once that's gone I'll be a wreck," he admitted, meeting Nick's eyes again. "But then I convince myself that's not it. That a decade plus of managing my life in the middle of chaos has just given me some mad coping skills."

"Mad *crazy* coping skills," Nick corrected him, smiling up at him. "If you can't handle some crisis, no one can. Plus, if you get a little wreckish, you've got people around who can lend a hand. Not that that'll happen." He kissed Justin's knee, the closest thing to him, and then stood again, before his hands could wander the way they wanted to. "So. What're your plans for the evening?"

"Well, cleaning up that mess of CD's, for a start," Justin said with a rueful smile. "Looking over some papers that my lawyer is sending over, if they get here. Maybe making a map of this place -- do they make split-levels this confusing on purpose, you think? And, of course, letting you finish that problem set that you need to get done. Then maybe we can hang out or something?"

"Yeah." Nick put his hands back into Justin's hair, unable to stop touching him. "We could get a movie. Or just talk. I don't know how long the problem set'll take me. Do you...can I bring my books back here, maybe? I don't have to stay," he added hastily. "Just, then I can, we can hang out when we're both done. Right away."

"Oh yeah, sure, I don't mind," said Justin. "I might even look over your shoulder for a while so I can feel just a little more stupid. Oh, but you might have to work on the floor ... unless you want to clean off the kitchen table. Any of my office stuff ... well, you just don't even want to know. I think it's boxed in somewhere. But that's cool, if you want to work here."

"Cool." Nick cupped Justin's head in his hands and tilted his head back, bending down for another kiss, and then another, and then one more. "You're gonna have to work in another room," he murmured. "Otherwise I'll never get a single thing done. I'll just stare at your gorgeous face and be a goober. I study on the floor usually anyway, so that won't be a problem at all. Hey, maybe I can study in your bed."

"That may very well be the one thing this bed has never seen before," admitted Justin. "Go for it. Be my guest. If you're good I may even come up and feed you pizza when you're halfway through, to keep you motivated. Isn't that the kind of thing you college boys like?"

Nick made a face. "Cold pizza makes me all food-coma-y. I'll need coffee! Coke will do in a pinch." He kissed Justin one more time, and let go of him, though his upturned face was almost unbearably tempting. "I'm gonna go get my books. And a change of clothes, because I smell like Howie's dogs. And...is there anything you need that you don't have, here? Like, paper towels or windex or bandaids or condoms?"

Justin blinked at him in surprise a couple of times. "Um. I may probably be lacking in condoms," he admitted. "If you think we might be needing them. I think I'm stocked in cleaning supplies, though. More than. And ... " He laughed a little. "And I don't think I have any coffee."

"Do you have a coffee maker? Jeez, Justin, no coffee?" Nick shook his head in fake disappointment. "How do you wake up in the mornings? I'll bring some of that, too. And the condoms, just in case, no pressure." He grabbed his shirt and pulled it on with a sigh of relief, then started digging for his boxers. "I'll be back in, like, minutes, okay?"

"I'll be around somewhere," said Justin, gesturing vaguely at the room, at the whole house, maybe even at the yard. "You'll be able to find me. And I'm just not stocked yet, is all -- I have a coffee maker somewhere around. I'll try to find it while you're gone, how about?"

"Cool." Nick walked backwards out the door, wiggling his fingers at Justin in a little wave. "Don't go too far, or I'll never find you again in here. And leave a light on, okay? It's getting dark."

"I'll probably leave them all on," said Justin. "Or just the ones I use, like a trail of breadcrumbs. That's how you'll find me. See you soon, Nick."

"Okay." Nick walked away, wondering if he was going to come back to find Justin in another freak-out. He made it to his house and back in less than twenty minutes, just grateful that their neighborhood wasn't often speed trapped. The lights were on, as promised, but he still hollered for Justin the minute he stepped inside the door.

"I'm in here," he called back, his voice coming from at least a couple rooms away, if not more. "Follow the breadcrumbs, Nicky. That was really quick!"

"Breadcrumbs my ass," Nick muttered, as he wandered through the hallways in the vague direction of Justin's voice. "What room are you in, J?" He called, dropping the supplies in the dark kitchen. "Keep talking so I can follow your voice! That map might not be a bad idea-oh, hey." He grinned at Justin, and stuffed his hands into his jean pockets to keep from reaching for him.

"Hey," said Justin, bouncing in place a little. He'd pulled on a pair of jeans, but that was it. Bare chest, bare feet, and a few streaks of dust on his torso to show that he'd actually been doing some work while Nick was gone. "I found it. It's on the counter, behind you." He gestured with one hand, and Nick looked to see the coffee maker, still in the box.

"Oh, rock on!" Nick inspected it, still smiling, trying not to stare at Justin, at the tempting spread of skin. He knew what that tasted like, now, but he had homework to do. "Can I get it out and make some coffee? I think I could really use some. Econ is just deadly awful terrible boring, and I keep falling asleep..."

"Oh yeah, sure, sure, that's what I got it out for, after all. I had this awful thought when I was looking for it that maybe it had been Alicia's after all and I didn't even have one, but no, no, there it is, right there." He ran his hand through his hair and looked nervous. "Is economics really hard?"

"Not so much hard as tricky," Nick explained, stepping towards him and stopping when Justin twitched. "Are...is everything okay? You're nervous. Did you...was finding it hard? I didn't need it that bad, really, I was kind of teasing before..."

"What? Yeah, I'm fine," said Justin, giving him a big grin. "It was a little hard to find, but it had to be done sooner or later, right? Might as well do it sooner. It's coffee, after all, and coffee's important."

Nick looked at him dubiously. "Okay. You just looked a little nervous, and since you weren't when I left, I figured it had to be something while I was gone..." He shook his head. "Never mind. I'm probably projecting. I'll make some coffee, and we can get down to it. If I let myself I'll procrastinate FOREVER."

"Yeah, well, you left long enough for me to start thinking," said Justin. "You know. Especially since I knew what you were bringing back with you. And I'm not talking about the coffee. But anyway, yeah. Lots to do, right? Do you mind if I watch you work a little, or would that be weird?"

"Oh. OH." Light dawned, and Nick took another step towards Justin. "You mean, the..stuff? But, I just brought that so they'd be here, whenever we get there. Not to, like, have them here lurking like some big pressury thing. I mean. We don't have to do things, ever, if you don't...but you know that, I told you that. Or you could...there's me, too, you know. There are two asses here." He groaned, and covered his eyes. "Forget I said that."

"No, it's okay, it's okay," said Justin, shaking his head and trying to pull Nick's hand back down. "I'm just being stupid about it, seriously. We just need to make that coffee and let you crack the books and I'll go back to my endless mountain of boxes for a while. And it'll be cool. It'll be normal."

"There's no reaction to this that's stupid," Nick protested, letting Justin have his hand. "We can make coffee and you can watch me study, if you want, but we can talk about this whenever. It's normal to do that, too." He pushed his glasses higher on his nose and started fussing with the coffee machine, wanting Justin to relax. "It's a lot more interesting than watching me do my homework, that's for sure."

"You're procrastinating, I think," teased Justin, running a hand down Nick's back, suddenly. "Maybe I think it's hot, watching you study, even if I'm maybe a little jealous. Maybe it'll help me relax a little. I'm just so damn highstrung these days, about everything. I'll be happy when this whole mess of mine is finally settled."

"You think it's *hot?*" Nick grinned at him incredulously. "Okay, but I think you're weird. And you shouldn't be jealous, believe me, this stuff sucks. I *should* give it to you, believe me, no one could be highstrung studying for econ. You can keep me company while I suck down coffee. My ulcer loves it."

"No, I can be jealous," protested Justin. "A little. That you're doing something new and tough and it seems like you're doing pretty good at it. And you're smart. And I think smart's pretty hot, believe it or not. Which you wouldn't think by looking at my dating track record, but yeah."

"Well, you've got smart friends," Nick reasoned. "Way smarter than me. So you're still kind of dating the dumb one. Don't worry, I won't break your streak." He didn't deny the pattern, though; Britney had been as thick as a post. "Look, I got the coffee started. Where are we doing this studying-and-groundless-jealousy thing?" He smiled, and rested a hand on Justin's waist carefully.

"No, you're in *college*. You're not the dumb one," said Justin stubbornly, then lay his hand overtop of Nick's. "We can do there wherever. No matter what room you work on, I'm gonna find something to do. There's so damn *much*. I'm never moving again, I swear. I love this place and I'm keeping it and that's that."

"Bedroom," Nick decided. "The bed's the comfiest piece of furniture you've got at the moment, and I can't study if I'm not comfy. I twitch and fidget. But that's upstairs, so we should wait for the coffee." He dropped his lashes and peeked at Justin through them. "Think you could give me a hello kiss while we're waiting?"

Justin laughed and gave Nick a kiss on the neck, then on the lips. "Even when I'm stressing you manage to make me happy," he told him. "That's a bigger thing than you know, I think."

"Mmmmm." Nick caught his lips again, tasting him slowly, leaning back against the counter and supporting Justin against his body. "I just hope I make you half as happy as you make me," he replied finally, holding Justin tight. "I still, I can't believe this is real. It's like a dream. I keep wanting to pinch myself, just to make sure it's not."

"If it was a dream, I wouldn't be this uptight about it, and I wouldn't be in the middle of a divorce, and my house would already be unpacked and decorated. And the pool would be filled, too," said Justin. "It's nice, and it's good, but it's not a dream. It's just plain old reality."

"That's true. It's not all perfect. Just the parts where I get to look at you and touch you and tell you..." Nick shook his head, smiling. "If it was a dream, I sure as hell wouldn't have homework to do. So I guess I can stop the pinching now. You're not uptight, though, I mean, this is all moving kind of fast, you know? You're being *so* calm about it. I can't believe how wonderful you're being."

"Yeah, just wait until I *really* freak out," said Justin, giving him another kiss. "There's stuff that hasn't really hit yet, I know there is. But at least the liking guys bit isn't new to me, even if I'd never done anything about it before. Oh, hey, by the way, are there still people staking out my house? Or yours? Or have they gotten bored and gone home yet?"

"They're here," Nick sighed. "I'm afraid I said some pretty rude shit to them. And there are a couple more in the bushes, make sure the shades are drawn. My phone was ringing constantly while I was home, but I just let it. I've talked to everybody I need to, tonight." He stroked Justin's cheek with a thumb. "They're not bored with you yet. How could they be? But I bet they'll go away when the next scandal hits."

"We're a pretty big scandal, huh?" said Justin, but it wasn't a question. He tipped his head forward so his forehead was against Nick's shoulder. "It'll probably have to be something big to unseat us. So I guess the only thing we *can* do it take control of the whole thing ourselves. Tell our own story before someone tells it for us. I was hoping to put it off, but we really can't, can we?" Again, not really a question at all.

"No, not unless we just want to no-comment till the end of time. Were your guys...did you talk about what you were gonna do? What *do* you want to do? A press conference or something?" He stroked the back of Justin's head. "We're not the biggest scandal ever, but we're pretty big. Doesn't feel like a scandal now, though. Just feels right."

"I don' t know how I want to do it," said Justin, leaving his head where it was. "No, actually, I do. I want to give an interview to someone who'll be respectful to us. But I don't know if that's possible, really. Do you think? I don't want to do a press conference, if we don't have to. At least, not *first*."

"We can find someone who'll be respectful, I bet. We could do a real magazine, like Time, or maybe even Rolling Stone. Or we could go on TV, with someone good. Then we could say when, and what, and not answer anything we didn't want to. That might be good."

"That would be good," agreed Justin. "I've still got some contacts at MTV. Obviously. If you wanted to go in that direction. Then once it's all confirmed and out there and they see our smiling faces together, then we can take care of the rest. The press conference, maybe. The magazines. It's not ego to think they'll all want a piece of the story; they're already calling."

"I wonder what they'd do for the interview," Nick mused, still petting Justin gently. "Wonder what we could get them to do. You think Carson would lick our feet and refer to us as 'the greatest artists of all time'? Maybe we could get Barbara Walters to come back for a special human interest story. Popstars in love. And I've always wanted a pony." He kissed Justin's temple. "We should be sure to give the story to someone who's been good to us in the past."

"Yeah, definitely. Respectful. Someone who doesn't just want it because it's the Big Thing right now. Hell, we should probably give it to the person who's willing to do the *least* amount of groveling to get it. But let them try anyway, because we could use the entertainment. Who do you think would be good? We should make some calls."

"Oh, I don't know," Nick laughed a little. "Didn't Rosie always love you guys? Plus, the gay thing. But I don't know, whoever you think is good, I've been out of the loop too long. We should do some little edgy funky music magazine, too, kick up the circulation for 'em. That would be cool." He moved away from Justin as the coffee stopped dripping, and inhaled the scent with a smile. "There we go. That should take care of the sleepies."

"Coffee," agreed Justin with a small smile. "And no more procrastination from you. Let's head upstairs. Too bad we can't enjoy the view, but it'll still be there when we can. And maybe I can get some of my clothes put away."

"Oh, okay," Nick said, feigning reluctance once he had his cup of coffee. "I *guess* I can go upstairs to the bedroom with my incredibly hot boyfriend to spend some quality time. And watch him bend over as he picks things up. And whine at him about my boring homework." He tucked his hand into the back pocket of Justin's jeans with a grin.

Justin just looked at him and suddenly laughed a little again. "The world is going crazy around us and you're doing your homework," he said, shaking his head. "And I thought my life was unusual before. Whine about it all you like, I'll probably enjoy hearing about it."

"The fucking press better not come to my school," Nick grumbled, though he smiled back at Justin and squeezed his ass, ever so slightly. "I don't think my teacher's gonna accept being outed as a valid reason for not having my homework done. He's a crusty old coot, he'd just sniff at me and ask if I thought my personal life would continue to interfere with the important things in life." Nick shuddered, thinking of it. "He's so sarcastic. But believe me, you don't want to hear me whine. I'm told it's very annoying."

"They will, you know," said Justin apologetically. "Come to your school. But you'll have your homework done anyway because we're heading upstairs right now to do it. Come on." And finally he did start leading the way out of the kitchen and back upstairs. Nick still couldn't keep track of the route, entirely.

"Your houuuuuse, is so confuuuuusing..." he sing-songed as he followed Justin, hand still firmly in his pocket. "They're welcome to come to the school, if they can get past the dragons at the door, they deserve the story. I donated a wing to the library," he added, almost apologetically, as they reached Justin's room. "The administration kind of likes me a lot."

"You donated a wing to the library?" said Justin, turning around to stare at him again. "Wow, Nick. That's a pretty big thing. Good for you." A moment later he was on his way again. "And yeah ... that kind of thing usually inspires the administration to take your side. As long as they don't interrupt you classes or something. Though if they do, you could give them some bad press of their own, show them what it's like. Here we are. See? That wasn't so hard."

"Yeah, it's not so bad if you're twisty as a snake," Nick said, though he smiled as he saw the bed. "It's just a small wing, mostly music and marine biology stuff. Still, they take good care of me when stuff happens and people start stalking. If the press goes anywhere near the classes, the administration will raise such a stink! The sooner we do that interview, though, the better, I think."

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