JC dug his toes into the sand, feeling the grains slide cool and slippery down below the sun-warmed surface. He was awake and rested for the first time in what felt like years; who knew a hammock and the absence of a screeching Chris Kirkpatrick were all he really needed in order to catch up on his sleep? He smiled a little, though, missing them. He wasn't tired, but he was starting to get bored. He was lonely without his boys.

Out in the bay, a little boat tacked back and forth lazily, and JC thought it looked like something out of a painting. Perfect. He was just working out lyrics when the boat lurched and shuddered and hit a wave sideways, flipping over.

He leapt to his feet, scattering the pages and looking up and down the beach for help, but the water was already full of small craft which quickly came to the capsized boat's rescue. JC stopped watching after a moment, when it was clear that things were being taken care of, and started gathering his things up before he lost them.

When he sat back down and looked again, they'd even managed to right the boat and were bailing out the water as he watched, while one boat started directly for shore, presumably with the half-drowned occupant of the rescued boat. It was just a tiny thing, and anchored itself very close to shore, just outside the designated tourist area and far from the main docks.

He was close enough to hear someone still coughing hard, and he winced in sympathy. The last time he'd gone diving he'd forgotten that his snorkel was below the surface and had inhaled a lung full of water. He was just incredibly grateful that he'd been by himself that time.

He watched curiously as a man heaved himself over the gunwale, landing in the shallows with a splash and wading in, coughing, disgust radiating from every line of his body. Something tickled at the back of his mind as he took in soaked shaggy blond hair, long shorts, wet t-shirt...his mouth dropped open.

"C-carter? Nick Carter?"

It was obvious that the last thing he'd been expecting to hear was his name. His head shot up too fast and his hair whipped across his eyes, the sudden motion causing him to double over coughing again. But that reaction, and that glimpse of him, confirmed his identity to JC. As the tiny boat started back out into the bay again, Nick struggled to finish his trek up to the beach.

JC just sat still, a little stunned. He'd come here to get away from everything, to be completely apart from anyone who knew him, and now here was...Nick. His eyes tracked Nick's progress, while his mind escaped in ten different directions. Why was Nick here? Was his whole band here? Would they want to talk to JC? Did the press know? Where was Nick staying? Even with everything in his head sounding like five voices talking at once, he managed a weak "Hey. Nick. Um," as Nick came up to him and stood a little ways away, dripping little wet spots into the sand.

Nick looked up again, and finally seemed to realize who was talking to him, that it wasn't just some random person who recognized him but was someone he actually knew. His expression turned into a curious mix of relief and regret. "JC," he said, then coughed again. "Fancy meeting you here. I don't suppose you have somewhere I can sit down a minute?"

JC looked to one side, then the other, but he couldn't see anything but sand. "Well, there's a lot of beach," he offered uncertainly. Did Nick think he was hiding a lounge chair under his notebook or something? He had to smile a little as Nick shook his head like a big dog, scattering drops everywhere. Justin did that sometimes too. "Um, you'll get all sandy. But the beach is a nice place to sit. I think." He wasn't used to talking to people any more. He'd been on his own for five whole days now.

Nick stared at him for a minute, slicking his hair back from his face and resting one somewhat indignant hand on his hip. "Aren't you staying near here?" he asked, frowning and looking for a path leading up to somewhere. "Or ... nevermind ... beach is fine." JC had no idea what conclusion he'd come to but he'd obviously come to something. He took a few more steps up the beach and then slumped down onto his ass on the sand. "Well that sucked."

"I saw you flip your little boat," JC nodded, still digging his toes into the sand. "That looked kind of...bad. And wet. Did you swallow a lot of water?" He looked sideways at Nick, who was still dripping unhappily. "How do you know where I'm staying?"

"I don't," said Nick impatiently, coughing again, but more lightly now. "But you're sitting here on the beach alone so I figured it was a pretty safe guess. And yes, the water was wet. Very good." He did wince a bit when it come out probably more condescending than he intended it to, but he didn't take it back.

JC flushed and stared at his toes. "Water's like that," he said softly, before realizing what he'd said and shaking his head, willing himself to stop drifting. "I'm staying in a little house up there," he gestured vaguely behind himself, eyes still locked on his toes, forcing himself to be polite and continue talking, even though he could feel the nervousness starting again. "Are you here for vacation, or business?"

Nick was quiet for a moment, and slid down onto his back, but promptly started coughing again and sat back up. "Vacation," he said finally. "Really fucking lousy vacation. I may as well have just stayed home."

"Everybody flips boats sometimes," JC said, remembering his own experiements with sailing with an internal wince. "Isn't it like...expected? It's not so bad." He clasped his hands together, wondering what he was supposed to say now. "Are you planning to stay long?" he asked, his voice sounding loud and artificial and too-bright in his own ears. He couldn't look up.

"I've been in boats since I was little," retorted Nick. "It shouldn't've happened, I know what I'm doing. But there was this bump, see ... " Then he just shook his head. "It's not even just that. It's been lousy since I got here, starting at the airport, right up to now. Look, I'll be outta your hair just as soon as I clear out my lungs and catch my breath, okay? I'm staying not too far from here."

"You're not in my hair," JC looked up, finally startled into movement, one hand unconsciously tugging on the long curl behind his own ear. "I'm sorry it hasn't been good for you, here," he added, meaning it. "I think it's wonderful. It's all quiet, and there aren't any people, and it's, there's water, and sand, and dolphins." He took a deep breath, and told the nervousness coiling in his belly that he was sounding completely normal, totally fine. "I didn't know you guys were on break too," he offered, watching Nick shake water drops off his hands.

"Yeah. Kind of," said Nick abruptly. An awkward silence followed that, then he broke out coughing loudly again, spitting up water. JC could hear his wet breathing for a few moments afterwards. "I'm supposed to be recharging," he added finally, and JC could hear the air quotes in his voice, even if he wasn't actually making them. "You know. Focusing. So I'm not so much of a screw-up when I get back. I like water, so I got encouraged--" There were those air quotes again, like Chris would've exaggeratedly made. "--to come here. I suppose it made sense to them."

"That cough doesn't sound so good," JC said, feeling a flicker of concern. He sounded like Joey with pneumonia, one of JC's least-favorite memories ever. "This is a good place to recharge, I'm kind of here for that too, you know, to calm down and refocus, but I don't think I'd be able to do that with water in my lungs. It hurts." JC found himself looking at Nick's very straight nose, his very red mouth, and realized in surprise that Nick was awfully pretty. Was this new, or had he just never noticed? "I'm a screw up too," he admitted, hoping to make Nick feel better.

"No you're not," said Nick immediately, turning his head to the side and spitting out more water. "Why would you want to say you're a screw-up?" He struggled to get to his feet again, then flopped back down onto his ass. "Okay, maybe a few more minutes. Still feel half-fuckin-drowned. That really, really sucked."

"Why would *you* want to say you're a screw-up," JC asked curiously, patting Nick on the back briefly, then wiping his wet hand on his old jeans. "It's very strange to see you here," he blurted suddenly, before Nick had a chance to answer. "I'm not...I didn't know you were here. I'm not sure how to talk to you." He shook his head. "But I'm glad you didn't drown all the way."

"Um. Good?" said Nick, looking at him strangely. "Yeah, I'm pretty glad I didn't drown all the way, too. That would've sucked more." He didn't try to stand up again, but he sat more comfortably and pulled his knees up, resting his arms on them. "It's not like I knew *you* were here. I thought I was on this little exile alone." JC couldn't imagine why he would ever call this beautiful place an exile, though.

"This is paradise," he protested, looking around at the beach and trees and ocean that had been his backyard for almost a week already. "It's so quiet, and no one's recording you when you talk." He smiled at the ocean. "Plus, swimming before breakfast is really cool."

For the first time, Nick smiled. "Yeah, that part is nice," he murmured, pressing his cheek to his knee. "It is beautiful here." But wasn't that enough? Privacy, beautiful surroundings, time to yourself? "If only it had actually been something I wanted, I might be having a lot more fun."

"You didn't want to come here?" JC let a little of his lively curiosity out. "But it's a vacation, right? What, did someone put you on a plane with a ticket and say 'go to Hawaii and don't come back until you're tan?' That seems like an expensive way to make you tan." He smiled a little at the mental image of pale Brian shouting at Nick that he needed to be browner. "Even if you didn't know you wanted it when it happened, can't you enjoy it now?"

"Well, they didn't put me on the plane," said Nick, coughing lightly. It sounded like he was finally getting the last few water droplets out of his windpipe. "They did hand me the ticket, though. My return isn't for a week and a half, yet. And I *would* be having fun if things didn't keep going *wrong*. I mean, the luggage, and then the problems with the lodge, and then the food poisoning, and then the *boat*. And now ... " He looked at JC curiously. "I'm not sure if you're a good thing or a bad thing yet. But I sure wasn't expecting to see someone I knew, let alone have them watch my little triumph on the water."

"I can promise to forget I saw, if you think that will help," JC said hopefully, glancing sideways at Nick again. This was nice, the words coming more easily to him as he relaxed. Nick was making it easy, somehow. "What's wrong with your lodge? And your luggage? And you had *food poisoning?*" JC shuddered a little. "Oh, that's just...bad. Food poisoning is just, oh, the worst thing ever, no fun at all. But you look okay now. You look good now." He wondered what he'd have to do to make Nick think he was a good thing. He was tired of being a bad thing.

Nick looked at him and rolled his eyes. "Where would I even *start*?" he said, shaking his head. "Well, I'm not *in* the lodge now, or I wouldn't be anywhere near here. I found a little cottage that wasn't already rented, and that didn't have any unexpected creatures living in it. That I know of. The little kiosk up the beach from it, though ... not gonna be eating *there* again."

"You mean the place with the green roof and the little yellow chairs that makes that weird octopus stuff and bad poi?" JC nodded his head seriously. "Okay, I won't eat there any more. It'll be hard though, since I'm staying right nearby and sometimes I forget I'm hungry until I'm *really* hungry. How long have you been here, anyway? Long enough to be sick and get better, huh?"

"Four days," said Nick, holding up four fingers to be perfectly clear. "All that and I've only been here for four fucking days. Either I'm going to have a fantastic time for the next week and a half, or i'm going to be dead before I ever manage to get off this island again."

"I've been here for five days," JC said, holding up a spread hand in echo of Nick's gesture. "Are you...do you think...are you planning fun stuff? Do you have people here to do things with? Things that won't make you dead?" He picked up a handful of sand, let it run smoothly through his fingers. "Oh. Did you get your luggage back?"

"No," said Nick with a shrug. "And no. But it was just clothes and most of them weren't even mine. I had my carry-on bag so that was enough." He lifted his head from his knee and brushed some sand off his lower legs self-consciously. "I'm here alone. Figured I'd spend my downtime on that boat, but ... yeah, that didn't really work out so well. And I lost my sunglasses in the water."

"That was a really small boat to spend too much time on," JC pointed out, digging his sunglasses out of the pile of his extra shirt and his papers and shoes, and offering them to Nick. "I'm here alone too," he went on. "It's better that way, after tours, I think. And with...things...it seemed like a good idea."

"Those are yours," said Nick, confused, looking up at him and squinting into the sun. "What things? What are you talking about? Is there something wrong?"

"I know they're mine," JC said patiently, "but you lost yours. Here." He sighed, and fidgeted with his pen. "Things got...bad, well, not bad, just kind of strange, yeah, I guess it was bad, actually." As he got more nervous about his subject, he could feel himself start to babble. "I just, it's this thing I have where in interviews, not always. Sometiemes people ask me things and I hear them wrong or I say the answer wrong but everyone thought it was stress, so I came here." He sucked in a much-needed breath. "Because everyone thought I needed to relax."

Nick finally took the sunglasses, but just held them, playing with the arms and tapping them against his shins as he wrapped his arms around his knees.. "And are you?" he asked finally. "Relaxing? Cause I hate to say it, but you look anything but ... Or was it just them that thought you needed to relax in the first place?" He grunted. "Kinda like me."

"No, no, they were right, I know they were right, I definitely need to relax." He let out a deep breath, reminding himself that Nick was friendly, almost a friend, really, and not scary. "I'm relaxing. I was relaxed. Before. It's very relaxing here. There isn't anyone to talk to." He turned curious eyes on Nick. "I've never heard you say really random dumb stuff in interviews. Why are *you* here to relax? Or, why did they thing you needed to?"

Nick didn't look like he was going to answer for a long time, just kept tapping the sunglasses against his legs. "I got in trouble," he said finally. "A few times. A few different things. They thought maybe I could use some time to myself -- 'to think about what I'd done'. To decide what was important to me." He snorted again. "My parents used to send me to the corner to do that. My bandmates send me to Hawaii."

"Well, the view is a lot better here," JC pointed out. "Was it bad trouble? I mean, Hawaii's kind of far away. Couldn't they have sent you to...New Jersey, or something? Oh! Or the Bahamas, that's got ocean and beaches too, only it's closer, and you could still be close enough to go see people if you happened to be kind of distracted when you were packing, and forgot your cellphone, and now you miss them a lot because you can't talk to them at all." He nodded firmly. "Calls from Hawaii are really expensive."

Nick gave him a disbelieving smile, then let out a laugh. "Um. Yeah, I bet they are. But ... the thing about me being *here* is that no one really wants to see me or hear from me until my two weeks are up. It was ... yeah, bad trouble, I guess. None of them really seemed like *really* bad things to do, though, until the trouble came."

"Nothing ever seems bad until the trouble comes." JC lifted his feet a little, so he could feel the grains of sand slipping between his toes as he watched. "What sorts of bad trouble? Musta been pretty bad if people don't want to hear from you. The last time we did that was because Joey...well. That's probably something I shouldn't talk about." He was momentarily pleased with himself for remembering that. "Huh. Maybe I really did just need a break."

Nick gave him another smile, though it was weaker. "You probably don't really want to know," he said, shaking his head. "After the lengths they went to to cover everything up, they probably don't really want me talking about it either.Of course, they never said. They're pretty stupid sometimes. Like sending me here by myself. Like somehow just because I'm not at home, I can't get into trouble. The only difference is, it's not right in their face. Maybe I'm just a lost cause or something -- they know I'm gonna do something, they just want me far enough away that they don't have to deal with it."

"There's no way you could be in trouble that bad, or I would have heard about it," JC reasoned, eyeing Nick curiously and registering his tired slump, the sad tilt of his head. "You know there are no secrets in our tiny little world. Are you a lost cause, do you think? Are you going to get into a lot of trouble here? Because I have to tell you, you'll need to try pretty hard. It's kind of quiet in this place, most of the time."

"Well, you saw the boat thing," Nick reminded him with a groan. At least there was no cough this time; he must've been feeling better. "Even though that's nothing, really. Just embarrassing. And almost deadly. But nothing that would catch my people's interest."

"That's not bad trouble, that's just an accident," JC scoffed. "I get in those all the time. Most of the time I don't almost drown, though. Are you serious? You have 'people?' And you almost drowning won't catch their interest?" He patted Nick's shoulder again, carefully. "I'm sure you only tipped over because the food poisoning made you...whatever it is that makes you a not-good sailor."

"I was bumped," insisted Nick, scowling at him. "From underneath. And I know it was an accident, that's why I'm not counting it. It's nothing like .. well, the other stuff. The reasons I'm here, "thinking about what I've done"." He snorted, the way he did every time he found himself saying that. "Don't you have people? I thought we all had people."

"We probably do, and I just don't know," JC admitted. "I think Lance and Chris mostly talk to our people, if we have people. We must have people. Just because I don't know them doesn't mean they're not there." He stared at Nick. "What do you mean, you were bumped from underneath? Like, Jaws, or something?"

"Yeah, like Jaws or something," said Nick with a nod of his head. "Or maybe a clump of weeds. But still, I was bumped. I'm good on the water normally. I don't just topple over and half-drown myself on a regular basis or anything. If I made it a habit, maybe they'd take an interest."

"If you made it a habit, you'd be all the way drowned before they *could* take an interest," JC said, mind working around the problem. "You half drowned once already, and two halves make a whole, so there you go. Drowned." He grinned at Nick. "But that won't happen. You're good on the water. Just steer clear of Jaws and you'll be fine."

Nick was just looking at him again, looking amused and shaking his head. "You're really something else, aren't you?" he said quietly. Then suddenly he looked away again and began brushing away at the sand that clung to him. "Well, I don't plan to be all the way drowned. Maybe I should just stay on the beach for the rest of my stay here."

"But then you couldn't go scuba diving." JC ran his hands over his thighs, brushing sand off his jeans and pressing the sun-warm fabric into his skin. "Though if you stay on land, you can ask me to dinner and I can say yes and you can tell me what's wrong, while we drink really big margaritas." He cocked his head, watching Nick's long fingers move. Pretty, musicians hands. He wondered suddenly if Nick played piano. "Do you play piano?"

"Do I ... what?" said Nick, taking a moment to catch up with JC's train of thought. "Oh. Yeah, a little, I guess. Not my biggest thing or anything. We all learned to play a little. Wait ... dinner? You want to have dinner? With me? and drink really big margaritas?"

JC blinked at him, then smiled, eyes crinkling up small. "Yes, I would like to have dinner with you. And drink really big margaritas. Thank you for asking! I'd love to!" He clapped his hands lightly. "Where are we going? Will I have to dress up?"

Nick just looked confused and blinked at him a few times in return, then finally just shrugged his shoulders and squinted up at him again. "Well, hey, I've got nothing else to do," he murmured. "I dunno. Most of my time here has been spent either searching for a place to stay or curled up with violent abdominal pain. How about you pick the place? Just as long as they have a well-stocked bar, I'll be a happy Nick. Huh. Maybe something on the beach, though."

"On the beach is perfect." JC nodded approvingly. "That way I can go barefoot and not get sand on my nice pants. There's a place down, oh, maybe almost a mile, and they have really really good calamari and a super cool bar and I've never gotten sick from eating there. You should be a really happy Nick, there."

Nick still looked really baffled, but he was smiling a little and that was what JC was looking for. "Yeah, sure," he said finally, with a little laugh. "Yeah, sure, why not? I think I might take a nap first, though. Half-drowning kinda takes a lot out of a guy."

"Oh, right, yeah." JC was instantly concerned. "Damn, I almost forgot about the half-drowning. Do you need help getting back to your place? Do you wanna crash out at my place for a while? I've got a cottage, it's biggish, I've got two bedrooms and everything, it's right up the way a little." He smiled at Nick. "We're sitting in my backyard. Isn't that cool?"

"Very cool," murmured Nick approvingly, starting to push up to his feet. "Maybe ... yeah. Your place is a little closer. Except, right, I need something dry to wear. So maybe my place after all."

"Did you find your luggage, then?" JC jumped to his feet, and reached a hand down, offering help. "You've got stuff to wear? Or you could just borrow something. I have lots of clothes. I think I overpacked, and I didn't want to admit it, because the guys always make fun, but I know four suitcases is too many for two weeks." He bit his lip, realizing he was talking, and he wasn't scared, and it was actually nice, after such a long quiet. "Anyway, I have dry clothes."

"No, I had a change of clothes in my carry-on," said Nick. "The rest is gone for good, I think." Then suddenly he was reaching out and touching JC's waist, resting both hands on it. "You're skinny fucker, Chasez," he said with a grin. "You really think any of your clothes are gonna fit me?"

"Well, yeah," JC peered down at him, tugging lightly at his wrist, though Nick didn't let go. "I mean, me and Joey share clothes all the time, and you're smaller than him. And I'm...okay, I

'm kind of skinny. But my clothes will fit you just fine. We should go shopping for you tomorrow, though. No one should have just one change of clothes."

"Yeah, tell me about it," said Nick, rolling his eyes. "But when you're spending most of your vacation naked in bed, sweating and moaning, you don't think about clothes too much." There was a brief silence, then Nick's eyes shot open as he realized what he said. "I mean, when I was sick!"

JC closed his mouth with a conscious effort. He had *not* needed the image of naked, sweating, passionate Nick that had shot through his mind, and he shook his head a little dazedly, trying to clear it. "When you were sick, of course," he agreed automatically. "Oh, man, that must have sucked. Were you all by yourself? Didn't you have anyone to help you, or bring you water, or anything?"

"I had a doctor come in to see me once," said Nick, shivering a little at the memory. "That was it. I made it through okay. it was only a mild case. Haven't really gotten my appetite back yet, though. Well ... if you seriously think I could get into your clothes, I'd love to lie down for a while. Or even just sit. If you don't mind. One place is about as good as another right now."

"Mild case or not, that's no fun." JC frowned. He hated being sick, but being sick and alone... "I'm sure I've got something that will fit. I'm sure. And you need...you were sick, and now you're halfway drowned, that's, it's not good for you, I'm pretty sure." He tugged again at Nick's hand. "Come on. I'll show you. You have to stand up, though."

Nick let JC haul him to his feet, and still staggared a little and coughed again. "You know, as glad as I am that they're hauling the boat back to the rental place, I have to say their rescue techniques leave a lot to be desired. I'm not really used to being dumped on a beach when I'm still coughing up saltwater. Not that i do this often."

JC frowned, and reached up to pat Nick's shoulder tentatively. "They should have at least left you off on the dock. Or taken you to a hospital. Do you need to go to a hospital, do you think?" His stomach clenched at the thought. Maybe he could send Nick and stay, if so. "Did you swallow a lot of water?"

"No, no, I'm fine," said Nick, waving off that notion right away. He did lean over on his knees and struggle to catch his breath, though. "I'm fine. That's the thing about my luck this trip -- it hadn't been bad enough to kill me, just been bad enough to annoy the fuck out of me. Huh. Maybe this trip was a punishment after all, you think?"

JC shifted from foot to foot, helpless and worried. He left his hand on Nick's shoulder, and hoped it was helpful, not annoying. "Well, I can...I can go away, if you decide I'm part of the bad luck. I don't want to annoy the fuck out of you. Are you okay? You don't look okay." Nick looked kind of green, actually.

"No, I'm okay," insisted Nick. "Just really ready to be lying down, I think. I love the water, but the motion of that ocean is ... well ... not doing great things for me right now. Don't worry, JC ... I'm starting to think running into you is just about the best thing that's happened to me this trip so far."

"Oh." JC smiled, relieved. "Well, that's...oh, that's nice of you to say. Come on." Without thinking, he grabbed Nick's hand again, pulling gently to get him moving. "Follow me. There's a nice bed right up there, and juice to get that taste out of your mouth, and dry stuff to wear. I've even got a tv. Come on."

Nick hesitated a second, then just stumbled along behind him, not even pulling away. "That sounds really nice," he said finally, tugging on JC's hand, trying to get him to slow down a little. "My place is mostly just a place to sleep. I don't even have a TV. I've already read all the books I brought. Twice."

"You must have been really bored," JC sighed. "You're in paradise, and you were locked up reading books? Though, I guess, you were sick. That explains it." He slowed obligingly, as Nick stumbled a little. "I made them give me a cottage with a tv," he confessed softly. "I don't want to lose touch. Any more."

"My original lodge had a TV," said Nick. "And a hot tub. And vermin, unfortunately. Wait ... what?" Nick tugged on JC's hand again and they all but stopped entirely, proceeding up the path at a crawl. "What do you mean lose touch? Any more?"

"I stopped paying attention." JC shrugged, dropping back to a slow saunter that matched Nick's crawl. "I didn't...I just stopped. And things got weird, and I kept getting these panic things, only just in interviews, when I was talking to strangers and stuff, and...and they sent me here. To relax. Because being by myself was supposed to help." He ducked his head, watching his feet on the narrow path. "I think it did, maybe. I mean. I'm talking to you, and I don't...do I seem crazy, to you?"

Nick hesitated before answering. "You're not crazy," he assured him finally, studying him. "You're a little different, but ... " He shrugged. "Aren't we all a little different, in some way? And you seem to be enjoying your time here, and all."

"I really like it here," JC admitted, smiling his thanks to Nick. "It's not scary at all. And I can sleep all I want, and you know what? I checked, down at the dock place, and they have this thing, where you can go swimming with dolphins." He shook his head, still amazed at the very thought. "Can you believe it? So I'm totally doing that. I decided, today, it's like a reward to myself for not freaking out when you started talking to me." He beamed at Nick, grateful.

Nick just blinked back at him for a minute. "You were gonna freak out when you talked to me?" he said, like he couldn't believe it. "Why? I'm not even a stranger, mostly."

"You're enough a stranger," JC confessed. "I mean. It was kind of a close thing, there, for a minute, but then you were nice and funny and almost familiar and it all worked out." He pulled Nick left, off the path, onto a green lawn with a small blue cottage on it. "Look, we're at my house."

"I was also coughing up seawater," Nick pointed out, looking relieved at the sight of the cottage. "That has to have made me look a little less intimidating, huh? Oh!" It still seemed to be taking him a while to keep track of JC's conversational threads. "Hey, that's cool about the dolphins, too. I could take pictures of you, if you want? I brought my camera. In my carryon, so I still actually have it."

"Really?" JC grinned wide at the thought. He'd have pictures of himself, with the dolphins! "Oh, that would be way, way cool...oh." He caught himself. "But I bet you want to do it too. I mean, you're here, you should, how many times do we get the opportunity?" He pulled Nick up the path to the door, and pushed through into cool dimness. "You were scowling, and looked kind of mad. It actually was pretty intimidating."

"I wasn't mad, I was ... " Nick frowned. "Okay. I was kinda mad. but I wasn't mad at *you*, I was mad at me. And the world. Me and the world. But not you. Hey ... this place is nice!"

"It is, huh?" JC looked around proudly. He'd gotten some things at the island markets, a soft chair and some pretty rugs, and a couple of paintings that had caught his eye. Gauze to drape the windows had been easy to find, and he'd carefully picked and collected the flowers and shells on the tables. "I like it here, a lot. The couch is right there, if you want to sit down, it's really comfortable. I mostly fall asleep there at night."

Nick stumbled over to it and sat down right away. "You're being really nice to me," he noted, right before falling entirely over to the side and planting his face in the cushion. "And I like this couch. You need to buy this place so we can hide out here sometimes, JC. Well, so you can hide out here and I can come crash the joint."

"Hey, I was gonna get juice," JC protested, watching Nick spread over the couch bit by bit till he was all stretched out, long and pale against the dark fabric. "Okay, so maybe no juice." He curled into the armchair, all small. "I already asked them about buying it," he confessed, still feeling the little bubble of happy feelings. "They said okay, so I guess...I think it's mine."

"You *think* it's yours?" said Nick, turning his head to the side and grinning up at him, looking amused again. "Well, that's cool. You should make sure, though. I mean, have you paid for it yet? That's usually a pretty good sign that you own it. The money changing hands and the legal stuff."

"I told them to call my accountant," JC said, feeling a little defensive. "I mean, they should, and then he'll send the money, and then it'll be mine. I just don't know if that's all happened yet." He curled smaller. "I haven't seen any papers or anything, though. And...and my accountant hasn't called me. So it's probably not mine. Yet. But it should be, soon."

Nick nodded in satisfaction, curling up on his side and finally resting his head on the arm of the couch. "Good. That's good. You don't want to lose a place like this, with the pretty and the privacy and the beach. I don't want to buy the cabin I have ... it's kinda crummy. The property is nice, though. But ... this is an exile, not a vacation. So I'm not supposed to like it anyway."

"But if you like it, isn't that better?" JC turned his head so he could see Nick without moving. "It's like, they want you to have a rotten time, so you don't. I'm not supposed to be having a rotten time *or* a good time, I'm just supposed to be getting my head together again. Which I guess is happening, which is good. I really like this place. I don't think I'm going to want to go." He sighed, anticipating the heartbreak of leaving. "What kind of vermin did the lodge have, anyway?"

"I didn't ask," said Nick, shuddering. "Ones with big enough teeth to damage the furniture, that was quite enough for me. I didn't even *start* to unpack, there, just said no thanks and found myself a phone to find a new place." He looked thoughful for a moment. "Huh. You know, if anyone even *wanted* to get ahold of me, I bet they couldn't now. They have no idea where I am."

"That's pretty cool," JC giggled, imagining Kevin calling for Nick and not getting him. "There's no phone here at all, I have to go down to town to use one. Didn't you bring your cell?" He stretched luxuriantly, feeling muscles loosen and relax all over. "You know, you could stay here with me. Since your cottage isn't so nice, and mine is, and I've got the extra room, and everything."

"I packed my cell phone," admitted Nick sheepishly. "I mean, in my luggage. I was really pissed off, and didn't want anyone to be able to reach me while I was on the plane sulking. I don't even mind much now, though. I don't really want to talk to any of them anyway. Wait." He looked at JC curiously. "Did you just invite me to say here? Me, who you were scared to talk to, like, half an hour ago? Seriously?"

"Well, I'm not scared to talk to you now," JC pointed out. It was all perfectly reasonable, in his head. "I figure, you're like. Perfect. Because you know me, but not really, and I'm still a tiny bit nervous, so it's good practice. Plus, you match my cottage really well." He waved a hand at Nick. "All gold and blue. And if I have a really bad panic attack or something, I'm pretty sure you won't tell the press. Right?"

"Right," Nick promised him, smiling then yawning. At least it was better than that nasty coughing he was doing before. "You get panic attacks? Like, for real? So what am I supposed to do if you have one?"

"Nothing," JC shrugged, shifting as the discomfort of talking about it hit him. "There's nothing you can do. I mostly don't have them unless I'm in an interview though, so don't worry. I'll be fine. I promise not to be freaky-insane, if you decide you do want to stay here. And I'll leave you alone all you want." He frowned a little, then bounced up out of the chair. "Oh! You're still in all your wet things. Let me get you something dry." He hurried out of the room, intent on making his guest comfortable.

"Oh, I'm getting your couch all wet," said Nick, as though he just realized that. "And *sandy*. Can we clean that up later, though? Cause I'm just beat ... " He waited until JC came back to go on. "So wait, about the panic attack thing, just in case. Should I get you tea or something? Or hold you? Or just get the hell out of your way? AJ got panic attacks for a while, and he just wanted to be left the hell alone until they burned themselves out."

"Um." JC ducked his head, and handed Nick some soft shorts and a big t-shirt. He hoped Nick wouldn't mind that it had some sparkles on it. "Just...just tell me that I'm not having a heart attack and that I'm not dying and that it'll be over soon. And if I grab your hand don't make me let go, for a little while, anyway. I don't think there's anything else you can do. Don't...it would be awfully nice if you wouldn't leave me alone, though."

"Okay," said Nick, more easily that JC could've expected. Maybe he *did* kinda know what it was like. "No leaving you alone, let you grope me if you need to. Got it. Hey ... are these sparkles on this shirt?"

"I wouldn't...it's not...*groping!*" JC felt his cheeks burn hot. "I mean, *hand*, I said, right, grab your *hand!*" He ducked his head. "Yes, those are sparkles. I can't help it, they just get everywhere." He sighed. "I can try to find you a plain one, but I don't know if I have such a thing."

"No, it's cool, said Nick, stripping off his wet shirt right then and there. "What, you think I've never gotten sparkles on stuff before? It happens. I feel sorry for the people who do my laundry. Um ... where should I change my pants?"

JC turned his back, feeling prim. "I'm not looking," he assured Nick, and he was very good, not even peeking. Nick without a shirt had looked wonderful, though, he thought a little wistfully. "I got sparkles on the tuxedo I wore to be an usher in my cousin's wedding," he admitted, feeling the need to chatter to cover the rustle of changing clothes. "Everyone laughed and said 'oh JC' a lot."

Nick laughed softly, and JC really liked Nick's laugh, when he laughed like that. All soft and not self-conscious. "I can't even imagine you with a sparkly something, though," he said. JC heard the wet slap of his shorts hitting the floor. "You were born to sparkle, Chasez, and people have just got to learn to live with that. Okay. Done."

"Okay." JC turned, then hurried forward with an outstretched hand as Nick went to sit down again. "No, no, wait, it's damp, you could get...a chill in your lungs or something." He pulled a blanket off the back of the couch, and spread it carefully. "There. All better. Now you can lie back down and sleep all comfy until dinnertime." He nodded happily, grinning at the thought of Nick all safe and comfortable, sleeping in his house.

Nick gave him another little smile as he lay back on the couch again, looking like a kid as he curled up there blissfully, even though he was way, way too big to be a little kid. Way too big. "I think if I'm gonna get a chill in my lungs, I already did. What with the sucking in all that water and all."

"That's why you shouldn't be damp." JC felt a little flutter of worry as a memory brushed his mind. "I think...aren't you supposed to not go to bed with wet hair, either? I think I remember that being bad. But I guess it's warm here, it can't be *too* bad. You're at least all dry now." He backed towards the door. "You want to sleep, now? I'll just be on the porch, if you need me. Okay? Do you need anything?"

"No, I'll be fine," said Nick closing his eyes as he snuggled in. "Thank you, JC. You'll wake me up so we don't miss our dinner?"

"Yeah. Definitely. Big, huge margaritas, man, you don't want to miss those." JC smiled at the picture Nick made, blinking a little at the tenderness he was feeling. He wasn't used to that, not around anyone but Joey and sometimes Justin and occasionally Lance and once in a long while Chris. He shook his head. He was missing them a lot, that was all.

"Right," mumbled Nick. "Gonna need a big, huge margarita to be able to talk to you about that stuff. Mmm, good ... " JC kept watching him for a few moments after that, but when he didn't speak again, it became pretty clear that he'd already gone and fallen asleep.

* * *

"Nick. Hey, Nick. Hey." JC touched Nick's shoulder, then shook him a little when the only reaction he got was a scrunchy face and an unaimed smack. Nick's hair was all up in spikes, the couch had left lines on his face. JC couldn't remember the last time he'd seen something so adorable. "Nick, hey, wakey, Nick. You've been sleeping for three hours!"

"Notherhour," he mumbled, and rolled over so his face was planted right into the cushion. JC thought maybe he wouldn't be able to breathe like that for long, and that would wake him up, and he wouldn't have to shake him again. Except he didn't mind shaking him so much.

"Not another hour, Nick. We have to go to dinner. I'm hungry. I bet you're hungry." JC let his voice get louder, and rocked Nick back and forth with the hand still on his shoulder. "Nick, the sun's going down in an hour, and if we're at the place, we can watch it happen. Wouldn't that be cool? And margaritas." He paused, before pulling out the big weapon. "Nick, the bathroom's right in there. Bet with all that water you swallowed, you really hafta pee. You'd better get up."

"Pee," Nick echoed him, his voice muffled by the cushion. It kinda figured that *that* would be the thing that got his attention. He finally lifted his head and started blinking his eyes open. "God. Yes. I hafta take a piss bad. Where's the bathroom?"

"Right through there," JC repeated, feeling just a little bit smug. He'd learned that trick trying to wake Justin up for years, and it always seemed to work. "Down the hall and it's the second door on your left. There's an extra towel and lots of stuff in there, too, if you want to shower off all the salty itchy sand and stuff. And clothes for you."

Nick rolled right off the couch and landed on his ass on the floor with a thump, but hardly even seemed to notice, just started hauling himself to his feet. "You found clothes for me? Huh? But 'm'already wearin' clothes, JC, silly ... "

"You're wearing sleeping clothes," JC pointed out, grinning as he stepped back out of the way of Nick's flailing attempts to stand. "And you were all salty in them. I got you new ones, clean and nice for when you get out of the shower." He caught a vase that Nick bumped as he rubbed his eyes and yawned hugely. JC thought he could see Nick's tonsils.

"K," he said, accepting that more easily than he ever would have if he'd been fully awake. "Gotta pee now." He stumbled the first couple of steps, barely staying upright, then finally managed to start himself in the right direction down the hall.

JC laughed softly, watching Nick carom off a wall before finding a straight line to walk, finally staggering into the bathroom and shutting the door almost all the way behind him. JC shook his head and sat on the couch, twisting his fingers together and waiting, hoping that Nick didn't hate his new clothes. Hoping they fit him.

It took Nick an awfully long time to come back out, it felt like, but at least JC knew he hadn't been peeing the whole time. Unless he was peeing loud enough for it to sound like the shower, but that would just be abnormal. Finally he did, though, padding out barefoot and looking sheepish.

"Um," he said, running his fingers through his wet spiky hair for a moment. "These are really nice pants, but ... " He suddenly looked awfully embarassed. "I kinda can't get them done up. Maybe we should stop at my place after all."

"No, look." JC jumped up, flushing furiously and embarrassed at his mistake. "Look, I got different sizes." He pushed an armful of folded clothing into Nick's arms, carefully keeping his eyes up and away from that tempting open fly. "I'm sorry, I'm a terrible judge of sizes, I have no idea. Ask anyone. I'm sorry."

Nick grinned at him, even laughed a little. "Okay, okay," he said, looking through him. "Why do you have so many different sizes for yourself, JC. Didn't you try these things on before you brought them?"

"I, um." JC scuffed his foot on the rug, watched his toe change the nap in that one little place. "I went...I went shopping, just a little, while you were sleeping. I left a note, though. In case you woke up, because I didn't want you to think I went away for good or anything, but I thought, maybe, some jeans and pants and stuff..." He shrugged, embarrassed. "Just a couple of things," he finished softly.

Nick's look was so astonished that JC couldn't help smiling, at least a little. "You went shopping for me?" he asked, as though that was the most unbelievable thing ever. "Like, bought me new stuff? Just cause I needed it? Wow."

"You said you didn't have anything," JC shrugged again, still looking mostly at the floor. "I mean. It's just jeans and boxers and stuff. Not anything fancy. But, yeah, I hope they're okay." He lifted his head and tried the smile on Nick, who was still looking a little flabbergasted. "Is that okay?"

Nick just broke out grinning at him. "Wow," he said again, shaking his head. "That's really cool, JC. It woulda been days before I got so fed up with my two outfits that I'd do it myself. I just need one size bigger than this, I think ... "

"That should be in the pile," JC said hastily, grinning back in relief and gesturing at the folded pants in Nick's arms. "And, you know, the boxers...they're new, not my old ones or anything, so you can wear them and it's cool." He wasn't looking at the trail of dark blond hair that disappeared into Nick's open pants, he *wasn't*. "Go'wan, get into them. I'm hungry!" He kept grinning.

"Yes, sir," Nick actually *teased* him, turning around and padding back down the hall, but turning into one of the bedrooms, not back into the bathroom, to change. When he came back out he had his pants done up and had actually put on the shirt, a orange, embroidered thing that JC had kinda thought was nice at the time, but now he worried that Nick wouldn't like it at *all* and maybe he should've bought a T-shirt instead.

He fretted himself back into the kitchen, where he paced a quick circle, then poked his head back out to where Nick was folding the blanket. "It's okay if you don't like the shirt, I've got another t-shirt that will look nice on you, you can wear that if you want instead, I know sometimes I pick strange stuff." He got it all out in a rush, then waited, watching Nick.

Nick looked at it and shrugged, and even grinned a little. "Actually," he said, sounding surprised at himself. "I kinda like the shirt. I don't get to wear stuff like this very often. It's comfortable. Loose. What do you think, does it look good on me?"

"I really like you in orange," JC admitted, grinning with relief. "I thought of you when I saw it. For real. You look awesome, like, magazine-cover good. Swear." He stepped back out of the kitchen. "You just about ready to go? We've got shrimp with our names all over 'em."

"Okay, see, here we come to the embarassing part," admitted Nick, shoving his hands in his pockets. "See, the cash I had one me? Um. Kinda at the bottom of the ocean with my sunglasses. My *prescription* sunglasses, dammit. Now, my wallet is still back in my cabin, so looks like we'll have to go over there after all. Which is a little out of the way I think. Sorry."

"Oh, dude, that sucks." JC shook his head sympathetically. "Man, I didn't know you lost stuff when you tipped over. Capsized. Whatever. But, hey, let me get dinner, drinks and stuff, and we'll hit your place on the way back after, and get your stuff. It'll be nice to walk in the night, after eating, don't you think? And then...you can stay here, if you like." He turned his brightest smile on Nick, trying to look harmless and welcoming.

"You really want me to stay here?" said Nick, still looking a little awkward. "You don't even know me really well yet. You haven't even heard all the things that I did to get myself sent here in the first place. You might not like me as much after, when you know how much trouble I can get myself into."

"I might look like a flaky idiot, and sometimes I am, and I talk like one, I know, but I'm not dumb, Nick." JC tossed his head a little. "You think I don't know what kind of trouble is out there? I bet you haven't done anything I haven't done, or seen, or at least thought about, so don't worry so much." He smiled a little. "I really want you to stay here. Unless one of the things was ax-murdering your host in his bed, in which case, I'm sorry, offer's closed."

"I bet I have," argued Nick faintly. "But not the murdering thing." He seemed to consider the offer for another moment. "Staying here seems like a lot better offer than staying by myself over in the other place," he admitted finally. "You're ... interesting, JC. You're really interesting. I guess we can just swing by on our way back and grab the few little things I have. I'm paid up for my whole stay, but I'm not too worried about leaving the place empty. Maybe the owner can use the time to renovate, or something."

"You might want to suggest it," JC agreed, smiling a little still. "From what you said, the place can use it." He blinked at Nick as he processed what he'd said. "I'm...I'm not interesting. I'll probably be quiet a lot and write music and sit in the stand and stare at the water. Quite a bit. And I'm boring, everyone says so. But...having you here, that'll be really nice, I think. I've missed...company." He didn't add that Nick certainly added to the aesthetic appeal of any room he was in. JC just liked looking at him.

"Well, you've been anything but boring," Nick assured him, looking at his shirt again, and *grinning* again, like a little kid. "And you don't have this ... notion of me. Of who I'm supposed to be. Which is really kinda cool. Even though I'm gonna kinda blow that once you get a drink into me, if I know myself."

"Of course I don't have a notion of you," JC said, puzzled, moving towards the door. "I barely know you, really. I mean, we've talked, but just a tiny little bit. How would I know who you're supposed to be?" He held the door open. "I'm glad I'm not boring," he confessed. "Sometimes I really think I must be."

"How could you possibly think your're boring?" asked Nick, shaking his head at him. He was moving a lot more easily not, no stooping or coughing or shuffling. "You have this, like, world inside your head, seems like. Where everything's good and pretty." His smile faded a little bit though. "Except the panic attacks. Those have got to be really awful."

JC shivered a little, and shook his head. "They're new," he said quietly. "Nobody knows why, they just started out of nowhere, I got my first one when I was watching footage for some show that they weren't using and I sounded, oh, Nick, I sounded so stoned and stupid, you don't even know." He felt his heartbeat accelerate a little at the mere memory, and sternly told it to behave. "And then sometimes I get lost when I'm talking and I just freak out, it's not..." He shook his head again, shoving his hands deep into his jeans pockets. "I don't know. But it's still not very interesting."

"Maybe," said Nick, "but *you* are interesting. You're definitely the best thing that's happened to me since I got here, no question. Even before you went and ... you bought me *clothes*, JC." He laughed, and it sounded almost like a giggle, which JC liked. He didn't know many guys who would let themselves giggle. "I still can't believe that. That's great."

JC could feel himself shine a little at the thought of being the best thing that had happened to anyone, no matter what the circumstances. He smiled back at Nick, letting himself skip a step. "I'm glad you didn't hate them," he said, going for modesty, then he gave up and hugged himself happily. "It was a good idea, right? It was! I was so worried it was really lame or tacky, but it wasn't. I'm so glad!"

Nick looked honestly surprised at his reaction again, but he was grinning and he was happy and JC didn't think he'd seen him like that yet. He wasn't sure he'd seen him like that before at all. "No, this is really cool," he insisted, tugging at the hem of his shirt, pulling it outward from his stomach a little. "Just really unexpected. I never would've fit in your stuff, though, so it was a really good idea."

"Yeah, you're way bigger and stronger," JC agreed a little wistfully, eyeing the breadth of Nick's shoulders. "No tiny stick-person clothes for you. Lucky." He brightened again, though, as he trotted down the porch steps to the path. "Hey, you know, I even talked to the guy in the clothes store? I asked about sizes and stuff, and I didn't even think about freaking out. It was good. And you look great!"

Nick looked at him in surprise again, like it hadn't even occurred to him that shopping might be a hard thing to do. JC was getting used to him looking surprised. It passed quickly, though, and then Nick just smiled at him. "Big and strong, maybe, but I got my gut, too," he said, and without a wisp of warning he took JC's hand and used it to pat his stomach, like he was proving a point. "No wonder you guessed my size a little wrong, if you didn't think of that. I do look good, though, I think. You done good."

"You have a cute little tummy," JC said, not moving his hand, startled into stillness if not silence. "Skinny people are all edges and points, it's not cute at all. I'm glad you like the clothes." He blushed a little as he dropped his hand, fidgeting a little. "You can tell me to hush if I say dumb things," he told Nick, feeling a little unsure. "I'm not used to talking to people any more, and sometimes I forget what's okay to say."

"You haven't said anything to me that's not okay to say," said Nick, his look changing to one of curiousity. "You're so ... different, JC. I don't get you at all. I mean ... not that that's a bad thing. I kinda like it, actually." He patted his own tummy a couple times then let his own hand fall to his side, very close to JC's still.

"Oh. Different." JC smiled at him, still a little tentative, and moved just enough that their hands brushed. It could have been an accident. "That's okay. If you like it, that's okay, that's good. You're very nice, and very cute. I wouldn't want to say anything that's not okay, so you have to tell me, if I do. So I don't do it again. Sometimes I can't tell."

"I'm cute?" said Nick, turning his head and raising his eyebrows at him. He didn't look surprised in the same way as before, though. "Huh. Don't worry, JC, if I had something to say, I'll say it. It doesn't always endear me to people, though."

"I know just how *that* goes," JC agreed fervently. "Yeah. Good. Lines of communication, right? You'll tell me and I'll tell you and it'll be good." He looked at Nick, feeling a little stressed. "Can we get those margaritas now?" There was a plaintive note in his voice. "We can talk about your cuteness then, if you want."

"We can order the margaritas just as soon as we get there," said Nick definitively. "Is it much further? Are you okay? Do you need me to hold your hand now or anything?"

JC jumped a little at the question. "I don't need you to hold my hand," he defended. "I'm a big boy, I can walk all by myself." He straightened his shoulders. "I'm fine. It's not very far away at all, just a little more that way..." he veered toward the beach, where he could see a roof and tiki torches, already lit in the fading evening light. "There it is."

"Sorry," said Nick, not shying away from him. "Sorry ... I thought maybe you were starting to freak out. A little. Was trying to save you from having to ask. So you're okay then? Everything's cool?"

JC eyed the crowd at the bar, so many more people than were usually there when he stopped in between lunch and dinner. He grabbed Nick's hand quickly and squeezed hard, then dropped it again, folding his own hands together in front of him. "I'm okay, I think," he said quietly. "Thank you, for offering. Maybe, yeah, I was, am, kind of, but I'm okay, I'll be fine. Everything's super cool."

"Well, I'm here," said Nick, bumping his side a little, comfortingly. "Do you want to go somewhere else, JC? Just say the word, I'm not picky. As long as it's not that other place we talked about. Never, ever again. Besides that ... anything goes. As long as there are bigass margaritas. And food, for you."

"There are shrimp there just waiting for us," JC reminded Nick, and himself, smiling again and breathing more calmly. Just knowing that he could leave was sometimes enough. "We're here. They have the best bigass margaritas in the whole island, and like I said, shrimp, and other really yummy stuff." He bumped Nick back. "Let's go. I can already taste the lime."

"All right then," said Nick, brushing up against him again, casually. "You just ... don't be afraid to tell me if you need to not be here, okay? I can be an ass sometimes, but i'm not ... and ass. *That* kind of ass, anyway. I'll be cool about it. So you have the shrimp and I'll fill up on margaritas and we'll both go home happy."

"You have to eat shrimp too," JC insisted, smiling up at him and not moving away, delighted with the light touches and Nick's sweetness. "You'll be able to tell if I need to not be there. I start breathing funny and my face gets white, at least that's how Joey describes it. But I think I'll be fine. Shrimp and oh, they have wonderful bread, and yes. It'll be fun."

"I'll keep an eye out for that, then," said Nick, snagging them a table right when it came free, a lucky break. "I'm a little shy of eating yet, JC. It's nothing personal. Memories of being shaky and sweating, remember? Not so long ago, that." "Oh. Right. Yeah." JC frowned at him as he settled gingerly in his seat. "Maybe a virgin margarita for you, then? Because ouch, tequila on an empty stomach. That's just not a good scene at all." He looked around at the bustle, wide-eyed, and flinched back when the waiter stopped by their table and boomed out a loud and cheerful hello.

"Hey," said Nick with a big grin, saving JC the trouble. "How are you doing tonight? We need two of the biggest margaritas you got." He gestured with his hands to indicate what size he was anticipated. "Oh, and a big platter of shrimp. And bread. Right, C?" It was a yes or no question, JC could handle that, but he was a bit thrown by Nick using that nickname, which he'd never heard him do before.

He nodded at Nick anyway, then tried a smile on the waiter, who wrote down their order and whisked away. "That's good, that's just right," he said to Nick when they were alone with the noise of the crowd again, rubbing his damp palms on his jeans. "Wait till you see these margaritas, you're gonna die. They're *so* big." He smiled his thanks at Nick across the table.

"Good," said Nick, "that's just the way I like 'em. So how much shrimp did I just order anyway? How big is big, around here? I sure hope you're hungry. I mean, no offense, but you don't look like you're a big eater or anything."

"I am a *huge* eater," JC declared, feeling grand. "I eat more than anyone. I eat more than *Joey*. I have a very fast metabolism." He grinned. "You ordered a really lot of shrimp. I bet you can't say no when they're here, though, because they smell so good and they taste even better. You have to at least eat the bread, otherwise that margarita is gonna chew a hole right through your stomach." He shuddered at the mental image his own words gave him. "Not a good thing, after food poisoning."

"Trust me, I can handle a margarita of *any* size," insisted Nick. "I'll think about the bread, though. Not many people get food poisoning from bread, it's probably pretty safe. I'm going to have to see this huge eater thing in action before I believe it, though. Skinny guy like you? I might have hate you a little, if you're right, you know."

"Oh, please don't," JC begged, worried. "I'm telling the truth, and it would totally suck if you hated me. It's not my fault, honest, and I, I won't eat all the shrimp, if that'll help." He grabbed Nick's hand impulsively across the table. "You were kidding, right? You meant hate in that funny way that Chris means it when Justin runs five miles?"

"Yeah, that kind of hate," said Nick with a grin, squeezing his hand. "As in not hate at all, just get insanely jealous for a while and possibly stick out my tongue at you a couple of times while I pat my belly. That kind of hate. The way I absolutely hate AJ."

JC blinked at him, trying to process that. "I like your tummy," he protested, first. "It's sexy. You can stick out your tongue if you want, that might be funny, especially if the margarita turns it green. Why do you hate AJ? I thought you loved AJ. Does he run five miles and then chase you around the lunchroom like Justin?"

Nick laughed softly, but it wasn't *at* him. JC could tell when people were laughing *at* him. "No, I hate him because he can eat anything he wants and not gain a pound. Hate meaning love, of course. I adore the guy, when he's not conspiring to send me to Hawaii to clean up my act. Of course ... it might turn out that i have to thank him for that, after all."

"Oh, are you having a better time, now?" JC was so pleased he could feel it tingling in his fingers. "I told you this place was wonderful. Look, the sunset and everything. It's great here, if you give it a chance. I'm so glad." He turned sideways in his chair, but he could still see the way the sunset painted Nick's cornsilk hair red and gold and shining. "Pretty," he mumbled, and then abruptly stood up and away from the table, startled, as three waiters brought their food at the same time, descending in a chattering crowd.

"Holy shit these are big," said Nick with a bright smile, but his eyes were on JC. "We're gonna be working on these all night. Thanks, guys." They didn't stick around after such a plain, if friendly, dismissal, and Nick held his hand out towards JC. He was still smiling but he looked a big wary. "Come show me how much shrimp you can eat," he said, a lot more gently. "And I'll show you how much margarita I can drink."

JC slipped his hand into Nick's hesitantly, and let himself be drawn back to the table. "Okay. Okay, the food's here. That's good. Wow, those are really big." He laughed a little, breathless, but calmer once he slid back into his chair and took a sip of his drink, puckering his mouth around the tart taste. "I can eat a lot of shrimp, but that is a *lot*." He eyed the pile of peeled, cooked shrimp warily. It was huge.

"Well, we can always take it with us," said Nick with a little shrug, sipping his drink. "You doing okay, JC? Not gonna freak out now?" He squeezed JC's hand before letting go of it, using it to reach for the bread. "You look a little pale, but not as much as a minute ago."

"I'm doing okay." JC nodded firmly, then popped a shrimp into his mouth, chewing and swallowing before he spoke again. "It wasn't...that wasn't...I was just startled, is all, because I was looking at your hair, and then there were people there talking at me, and I didn't know they were even coming, you know?" He grabbed another shrimp, humming contentedly at the taste, and smiling as Nick nibbled the bread.

"You were looking at my hair?" repeated Nick, picking at the bread, crumbling it more than eating it. "Why were look looking at my hair? Is there something in it I didn't notice? Like leaves or something? That happens when I'm not paying attention. One of the drawbacks of not, like, laquering it."

"No, there was sunshine in it, not leaves," JC assured him, once he could speak without spitting shrimp. "It was all shining, red and pretty." He watched Nick's hands. "Is there something wrong with the bread? Is it not good tonight?" Greatly daring, he snatched a small piece from Nick's hand, and ate it with a smile. "S'good," he mumbled. "Won't make you sick."

Nick just reached up and touched his head a little bit, gingerly. "You thought my hair was pretty?" he said curiously. "Does this have anything to do with thinking i was cute, before?"

"Possibly," JC said cautiously, watching him. "I mean, the sun was really nice, and it was all...shiny, and that's always nice, but you were cute before, in regular sunlight, so I don't really know if it has anything to do with it *directly,* if that's what you mean." He ducked his head and ate another shrimp, quickly. "Is that what you mean?" He hated the uncertain tremor in his voice, but he'd never been able to control that.

Nick just shrugged his shoulders a little and smiled at him guilelessly. "No, i was just wondering what *you* meant. Usually I have context for that kind of compliment, you know? Like, fans will tell me I'm cute, or my mom will tell me i'm cute, but if AJ tells me I'm cute, he's being sarcastic, and if kevin or howie tell me I'm cute, it means they've forgotten that i grew up. Or if Brian tells me I'm cute, it's 'cause he thinks I'm funny. It's all, you know, context."

"Oh." JC thought carefully about that for a long moment, working his way through two more shrimp and a large swallow of margarita while Nick waited patiently. "Well, I wasn't being sarcastic, or thinking you're young. I just...you're cute. Nice to look at, attractive." He shrugged helplessly. "That's pretty much what I meant. There isn't any context, not really. Except me thinking you're cute, I guess."

"Well, okay," said Nick after another pause, finally putting a piece of the bread in his mouth and taking another sip of the drink. "Thank you." When he smiled at JC, it looked beautiful and dazzling. "So okay, what did you want to ask me. Another couple sips and I'll be ready to answer."

"Did I want to ask you things?" JC searched back frantically, trying to recall everything he'd said earlier that day. "Did I forget? Was it important?" He felt his hands start to shake a little, and took a firmer hold on himself. "If it was important, tell me, because I can't remember. I can't. I'm trying though, it'll maybe come back to me in just a few seconds. Did we talk about it a lot?" He searched Nick's face for clues.

"No, if you don't remember, that's okay with me," said Nick, sipping his drink again. "It's stuff you'd be happier not knowing anyway, JC. Tell me something about you instead, okay? That would be a lot more fun."

"No, no, no," JC shook his head, getting more upset. "Was it about...oh, it was about why you're here, right? And you were going to tell me, and you were worried that I wouldn't like you any more, even though that's silly." He sighed in relief, and felt the clenched fist of tension relax in his chest. "You already know everything about me anyway."

"I don't know *nearly* everything about you," insisted Nick, breaking off another tiny, tiny piece of bread to stuff in his mouth. "I've only just barely met you, really, today. And I was sleeping on your couch for most of that."

"You know I have sparkles in my clothes and that I have panic attacks and I can't talk right and I like shrimp and dolphins." JC shrugged. "That's most of the important stuff." He didn't like pushing, knowing how it felt when people did it to him, the hunted trapped feeling that drove him into silence, so he didn't. "It's a pretty wonderful couch, huh? You slept okay?" He smiled at the memory of trying to wake Nick up.

"Yeah, I slept good," admitted Nick, breaking off more bread and smushing it against the table. He seemed much more interested in his drink. "How about babies? Do you like babies?"

"I love babies. Oh! Have you seen Brianna yet?" JC knew he was gushing, he just couldn't help himself. "Oh my god, she's the most beautiful..." his hands flew in the air, trying to illustrate how wonderful she was. "She's, just, this tiny amazing beautiful person, and Joey made that! Joey! I can't believe it sometimes, but she's like this angel." He looked down at the table embarrassed by his enthusiasm. "Yes, I like babies," he finished, more controlled.

Nick was smiling at him, though, and JC could even see the smile in his eyes this time. "Well," he said after a long moment. "See. There are a lot of other things that are going on, too. Like the troubles with the cops and stuff. But mostly right now, like, the main reason I'm here to "think about what I'm doing"? What I'm here to straighten out my head about? Is ...see, the thing is ... I kinda got someone pregnant."

"Ohhhh," JC breathed, feeling his eyes go wide. "Oh, wow, Nick. That's...well. That's pretty great, a baby! For you!" He smiled wide, thrilled for him, ignoring the rather painful stab of disappointment at this confirmation of Nick's orientation. "I mean, it's hard, it's a hard thing, and it might not be all wonderful, depending on the mom and your guys and how things work out, but, man, wow." He grabbed Nick's hand again. "Congratulations. Wow."

"You might wanna ... wait, on the wow," admitted Nick, his smile falling even in the face of JC's obvious enthusiasm. "If it was all wow, there wouldn't be a whole buch of things to make decisions about, right? I mean, part of me being here is to "think about what i've done" and vow not to get anyone in trouble again. But part of it's ... to figure out what to do about it this time. You know?"

"Oh," JC said, pulling back a little. "Oh, I figured...if you were here, thinking about it, that you'd be keeping it, you know. Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to presume." He curled into his chair. "Have you...figured that out? Have you talked to her about it? Is she your girlfriend?" He shook his head. "I'm sorry, I'm asking really nosy questions. That's not my business, I know."

"She's not my girlfriend," said Nick immediately, taking a very big too big sip of his drink. "If she was, that'd be a bit easier to decide, you know? Anyway, I mean ... she's gonna have it. She's already big as a house, there's no question of that now. But. Um. She doesn't want to keep it. Which is the tricky part. Because she was just this one night stand, you know? Neither one of us wanted any more than that. But she didn't want to get a *kid* out of it, either. So *that's* what I'm thinking about."

"Adoption?" JC asked softly, watching Nick and wincing at the size of the swallows he was taking of his giant margarita. "Well, she knows she doesn't want it, right, so that leaves either you or someone else to raise the baby. It it a boy or a girl, do you know?" He looked at Nick sympathetically. "I know just how you feel. Well, not for me, but Joey..." JC shook his head with a little sigh. "They were gonna give Bree up, you know, but then, just, no. Joey fell in love with her."

"I don't know if it's a boy or a girl," said Nick with a shrug. "And yeah, it's me or someone else. Me alone, or some strangers. She's even already signed papers, giving up all rights to the kid. Our lawyers are holding onto them right now so they don't get out, you know, ahead of time." He licked his lips then drank too much again. "But me, what do *I* know about raising a kid, you know? I'm still a kid half the time myself. Getting int drunken bar fights and doing stupid shit like that."

JC giggled, straight out, but tried to sober up when Nick shot him an incredulous look. "Wow. Oh man, deja vu, only Joey was talking with beer instead of margarita and I think he was maybe crying a little and he asked me if keeping her would keep him from bringing home every Tom, Dick and Harriet that caught his eye and then he had a breakdown about being a good father." He did sober up then, and looked Nick in the eye. "It's not funny, it's really serious. But Nick...he didn't know anything either, and he was a wild boy, still is, and he's the best daddy. *Ever*. So if it's what you want to do, don't let that stop you."

"Yeah, but Joey's together with the baby's mama, so that's just totally different," insisted Nick. He really shouldn't have been able to finish that drink, especially not so fast. JC didn't like that very much at all "Me, what've I got to offer a kid, anyway? 'Here, kid, this is your dad. He drinks a little too much and does drugs sometimes and screws around a lot and really can't seem to do much right lately. Oh yeah, and did we mention the criminal record? Take it or leave it, kid, he's all you've got.' Only I'm not all the kid's got ... we could find a nice family. That's what they think I should do."

"He's not together with Kelly, though, yeah, they share Brianna," JC said gently, putting another piece of bread into Nick's open hand. "I think you might be surprised at how good you could be at it. It's amazing, how people rise to occasions. Do you want to try? You've gotta, like, look in your heart and see if there's love for the baby there. If not, then, yeah, maybe a nice family would be good. If so, though, think about that a little. Your 'criminal record,'" JC scoffed a little. "That's no big thing, I don't even think they keep track of misdemeanors any more. And everything else, that's totally under your control. You should think about it. I think." "I'm totally not supposed to be talking about this," muttered Nick, squishing the bread in his fist. "Like, at all. At *all*. I was trying to not even think about it too much. Cause what good's *that* doing me? I'm not gonna figure out what I wanna do while I'm out here, and I told them that, and I'm here anyway. Getting drunk on really good margaritas and spilling my guts to you." He finally did put a little bit of the bread in his mouth. "Whole thing scares the hell out of me. Even more than half-drowning."

"Yeah," JC sighed, watching him smash the bread beyond recognition. "I bet. But, you know, I'm safe. You can talk to me. I won't ever tell." He ate another shrimp, organizing his words carefully in his head. This needed to come out right. "Getting away is sometimes really good. Like, you can think about stuff here, and come to your own decisions, and get everything straight in your mind without all those other confusing voices in your head. It might be a good idea to try, anyway. Even though it is really scary." He nodded at Nick, noticing the flush high on his cheeks, the slightly drunk glitter in his eyes. "How long do you have before the baby comes?"

"Like. A month," said Nick, chewing on his already reddened lip. "They aren't absolutely sure. She didn't even see a doctor for the first time until she came and tracked me down. That's just so *wrong*. That's a *baby* in there, that's a *person*. That's *my* person in there. I hate her."

JC smiled, though he tried to hide it by ducking his head. Nick wasn't quite as detatched as he'd originally sounded, clearly. "That is your person in there," he agreed softly. "Your son or daughter. Pretty amazing, huh?" He let that rest for a moment, pushing the bread basket back towards Nick. He wasn't up on his medical theory, but he was pretty sure that giant margarita on empty stomach meant bad things, and he shivered a little at the thought of trying to manage a drunk Nick, in the crowded bar.

"It's scary," said Nick again, finally grabbing himself a hunk of bread. "You have no idea, JC. It's really scary, thinking about trying to do that by myself. With a *baby*. And it would be with me all the time, I couldn't just give it back to someone when it started crying or anything. And then what if I was going out with someone and he didn't like babies or something, and that would be the end of that. And I bet that would happen a lot. But babies are so helpless and I'd always put my baby first. Always."

"Then it sounds like you'd be an awful good daddy, scary or not." JC smiled at him, as encouragingly as he knew how. "There are lots of wonderful girls out there who don't mind if you have a baby already, you know. Wait." He blinked. Then blinked again. "Did you say 'he?' Sometimes I miss things," he explained apologetically, "and I have to ask to be sure. Did you say 'he?'" JC leaned forward intently.

"I. Um. Might have," admitted Nick, another new kind of surprised look crossing his face. Like maybe shock, only not quite. "I think maybe I might've said that, yeah. Except I've never ... except in my head, I've never. I've just thought ... Oh hell, I'm making about as much sense as you." His cheeks flushed even more than they had from the alcohol and he stuffed bread in his mouth to shut himself up.

JC flinched a little. So Nick *had* been humoring him. "You're making plenty of sense," he said quietly, looking at the table. "That's okay too, you know. There are also lots of wonderful boys out there who won't mind that you have a baby. If you decide to keep her, after all." He picked at the aged wood on the table, noting absently that he'd bitten his nails to the quick again, and that his cuticles were a mess. He closed his mouth firmly over any more words.

He could tell his change of attitude hadn't gone unnoticed, just by the look on Nick's face. "But I've never," he said quietly, when his mouth was free. "You don't understand ... I've never, with a guy, before. Anything. And ... god, I'm sorry. We came here to have a good time and I fucked this up, too, huh?"

JC shook his head hard, though he didn't raise it. No, Nick hadn't fucked anything up, he hadn't said anything that JC hadn't already known. "It's okay, no, it's...don't feel bad," he managed to get out, past a tightening throat. "You didn't, it's not you, you're great. You'd be, yeah, so good, with a baby, and I can tell you love her already, and...you won't have any trouble, with boys, or girls, or whoever you want." He breathed very carefully. He thought that had come out okay.

"No, I did," insisted Nick, shuffling his chair closer. "You don't think after all this time being me I can't tell when I've upset someone for real? I told you, I not that kind of ass. I'm just the stupid kind. So come on, have some more shrimp and some more of your margarita and then you tell me what I did. Don't worry, JC, people are always telling me what I did wrong. I'm not gonna get upset or nothing."

JC looked at him helplessly. He'd lost most of his words somehow, though he did take a sip of his drink, and eat another shrimp, trying to buy time. His thoughts were all scrambled now, the beat of 'you make no sense, you sound stupid, who can understand that?' ringing in his ears. It didn't let him concentrate. "It wasn't you," he finally managed. He wanted that to be clear. "You didn't do...it wasn't...I don't make sense," he finished hopelessly. "I can't explain."

"What do you mean, you don't make sense?" asked Nick, picking up a shrimp and dancing it a little bit in front of JC's face. "Of course you make sense. You've probably given me the best advice of any of them, just now."

JC had to smile a little at the dancing shrimp, and his heartbeat slowed a bit. He was tired...after six days of complete silence, the roller coaster of today was exhausting. "I don't. I mean, I try, and things...they, just. I never used to be like this!" He shook his head, frustrated, and downed most of his remaining drink so fast he got brainfreeze. "Ow. I just, things scramble. Before they come out, and they come out wrong. Bad. I can't fix it." He knew there were maybe tears in his eyes as he looked into Nick's, and he firmly (and almost honestly) blamed the cold-pain.

"Oh, hey," said Nick, leaning in to get a closer look, and JC remembered he'd lost his glasses in the water. "Oh, hey, no, no, don't do that." He brought his thumb up beneath JC's eye to catch any stray tears that might leak out. "Things were so good, a minute ago! You were all encouraging about me maybe being a daddy and maybe being gay. I've never had that before. For either one."

"Still, yeah," JC got out, firming his chin and forcing back the tears. Stupid, stupid. "I still think they're great. Both, because, yes." He shook his head again, acutely aware of his words like he hadn't been before, with Nick. "I think you would make a great dad, Nick," he said, slowly and *so* carefully. "And if you just realized you like boys that's wonderful for you too." He ducked his head and ate another shrimp. He couldn't talk while he was chewing. He wondered idly if that tactic would work when he had to go back home.

Nick just sat back, looking confused and really, really unhappy. "Whatever I did," he said finally, reaching for the remains of his drink. "I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry. I know that saying that's not good enough, but I am. And now ... I think I really need another margarita."

"It wasn't you!" It finally burst out of JC strongly enough for Nick to pay attention, at least his head snapped around fast enough. "You're, no, don't be unhappy, don't have another margarita, please, I'm just, I can't help it, my words go away when I'm embarrassed." It all came out in a rush, and JC grabbed for Nick's hand. "Please don't be sorry. It's not you. It's me." JC had given up, mostly, and the words came smooth and natural now. He dully thought that that just figured.

"Why on earth are you *embarassed*?" asked Nick in genuine confusion, frowning at him. "Shouldn't I be the embarrassed one here? Laying my whole sob story out for you like that? Telling you all about my screwups?"

"You said," JC said, almost in tears again. Nick was yanking it out of him, his humiliation would be complete. It was so stupid, such a ridiculous little thing, and now it was huge, the big screaming deal that turned JC into a babbling moron. "You said I didn't make sense. I know, its, yeah, totally, and I'm just way, way, too...you know, so just, can we pretend that it never happened and you can tell me baby name ideas?"

"Wait, no, no I didn't," insisted Nick, still looking confused. "I'd never say that to you, JC, cause I don't believe it. The way you were saying that stuff to me, it was making more sense than it ever had. Why would you think that i would ever *say* that?"

This was terrible, this was the worst thing that had happened to JC in ages, his face was burning like fire and Nick was't going to make him quote, surely he remembered? But there was no spark of memory there, and JC, underneath it all, was stubborn. "You said," he whispered. "You were talking, and then you broke up a little, and then you got embarrassed and said you were making about as much sense as me and you stopped." He looked up hopefully at Nick, biting his lip. "*Now* can we pretend it never happened? Please?"

"No," said Nick, his eyes wideneing suddenly, and JC *did* see that spark of memory there. "No no no. No. *No*. Shit, JC, I just meant ... I mean, not about how you talk, but how you feel when you're trying to say things. Remember, how you were telling me? I know what you mean cause that's how I was feeling right then. I never meant ... you think you've got the market cornered on saying shit wrong? Any time you think that, just go and look what I just did, just now, making you feel all awful for something I didn't even mean to say the way i did ... "

JC blinked at Nick, processing that, then smiled, tentatively, his cheeks still hot. "Okay," he said carefully. "I can...I understand things coming out wrong. I'm sorry. I didn't...I shouldn't...it was not even a very bad thing. I just, it's, like I said, it's me, not you." He realized he was still holding Nick's hand, and dropped it hastily. "Sorry."

"I don't want you thinking it anyway," insisted Nick, setting down his empty glass again, thankfully not requesting another. They were really, really big drinks. "I don't want you ever thinking that with me. I really like how things were before. How easy they were before. Can I have that again now? Please?"

"Um." JC ducked his head down, still smiling just a little. "I can, can we just, can we talk about something else?" He took a deep and still-shaky breath. "Talking about it makes it worse, it makes me nervous," he admitted. "We can try. Can you pass me a shrimp?"

"We *were* talking about something else," Nick reminded him, picking up another shrimp and dancing it in front of his face again, smiling. "We were talking about ... you know. My little problem. No, not problem. My little ... someone. And my little other issues, too."

JC grinned, biting his lip and making a grab for the shrimp, feeling awkward with the play but so grateful for the subject change. "You have a little someone, yeah. It sounds...wow, like, you're really, underneath, almost excited, even if you're really scared?" He managed to grab the shrimp finally, and waved it in triumph. "And that other thing, that's not scary, that's just, you know, life."

Nick smiled a little bit. "Sometimes I think about it and the answer's just *so* clear, you know? Like, how could I ever give up my baby? How could *she* ever do it? But then people start reminding me how my life is and how I have no time to give a kid enough attention and how I'd have to stop doing everything, *everything* else in my life if I had a little baby to take care of. And then, you know, I start to doubt that I can do it ... "

"Our life isn't easy for babies," JC said, nibbling delicately and nodding. "It would be so hard for Joey, without his family, and Kelly, and us, and everything. But that's what you have to do if you want to do it. You need help, you've gotta have help, or, just, no. Even without tours and recording and stuff, it's way too hard to do all by yourself. But if you want it, you can do it."

"I don't even know who would help," said Nick, his face falling as JC spoke. JC didn't want that to happen, though. "The people who might help are the people who are already looking into adoption agencies for me. My ... lifestyle, even before knowing about the other thing that I just told you, they say it isn't right for a baby. But ... "

"But you're the dad," JC said softly, touching the back of his hand where it rested on the table. "It's not a lifestyle thing, it's a love thing. And man, those people, I mean, just let them get one look at that baby, and wow. True love. And there are nannies, Joey has one, she's so wonderful, to help. You can do it, if you want to."

"I'm kinda scared that I'm here so they can take care of all the paperwork while i'm gone," admitted Nick quietly. "Except they can't, right? They can't do anything at all without my say so and my signature. And AJ, at least, is watching my back. He may think I'm a total idiot fo rmaybe wanting to keep the baby, but he'll stick up for me anyway."

"They can't do that without you." JC said as firmly as he knew how. "That's your baby, that's your decision and nobody else's, since the mom is out of the picture. I don't think you're an idiot. I think you'll make the good decision, no matter which one it is."

"It's really scary to think about raising a baby by myself," he said, grabbing a bit more bread for himself, looking more like reflex than hunger. "And all the stuff I'm gonna have to learn. And I can't drink or any of that anymore. And I won't have time to go to clubs. And it's gonna be really hard to find someone who's gonna wanna go out with me at all. And then there'll be this little person, and what if I screw up?"

"I should give you Joey's number, maybe," JC said, considering. "Yeah. He can, like, tell you all the stuff, good and bad, because he's doing it, you know? And sometimes he has Brianna without Kelly or us, so he knows, and hey, he doesn't have any problems finding people who want to go out with him." He looked at Nick's pretty face, his elegant hands, long neck. "When did you start thinking about guys, too, anyway?" He was so curious.

Nick shrugged his shoulders a little and looked embarrassed again. "Lately, I guess," he admitted softly. "Or maybe for a little longer than that but, you know ... being the one people call pretty, I guess you fight against the 'gay' label a little more, even when you start thinking it might be true."

"Or you just don't fight it at all," JC said, smiling as he ate another shrimp. "There are lots of different reactions. Just lately? You want to tell me about it? I love stories like this, they make me happy. Mostly, if they're happy stories, of course. I think it's *wonderful*."

"You think it's what?" said Nick, blinking at him in surprise. "Wonderful?" Then he grinned at him, suddenly, out of *nowhere*, and shook his head. "Only you, JC, I swear ... I guess. I guess it's a little bit wonderful. In a way. Realizing that the feelings I thought I just couldn't have for people I *could* have, I was just trying to have them with the wrong people in the first place."

"That's more than a little bit wonderful!" JC moved restlessly with his happiness, wanting to bounce. "That's just, wow, incredible. You realize this means you can fall in love, and have a true love, and live happily ever after, now that you know?" He sighed wistfully. "That's so great. And you can have a real family, if you decide to keep your baby. I'm telling you. Lots of guys are gonna *love* that."

"Yeah, too bad I haven't met these guys," said Nick with a rueful grin and a sigh. "And it's a little bit wonderful but it's a little bit scary, too. In that whole 'unknown' way again. I'm twenty-two years old and I don't have the first clue how to go about finding someone I could fall in love with."

"It's the same way you did before," JC pointed out. "Only this time you're not looking for the curvy sparkling people, you're looking for the brawny manly types. I mean, flirting is just the same, and talking, and pet peeves, and really it's just a matter of figuring out what you want and looking for that." He grinned at Nick. "Oh, this is so great. I have someone to watch the boys at the awards show with now! Someone new. That's gonna be fun, you wait and see."

Nick seemed overwhelmed by JC's enthusiasm, but at least JC had him smiling again now, constantly. "Have you ever *not* been completely comfortable with the guy thing?" he asked with another shake of his head. "I might be missing the next few awards shows, though, if I have a little one to take care of ... "

"You can bring her, and leave her backstage with the nanny, or just wait backstage with her and hand her off when you're onstage," JC suggested, finishing off the last of his margarita and patting his full stomach, looking at the almost-empty platter of shrimp. "That's what Joey does, anyway. I wonder why I keep calling her a her? She's a her in my head, a little gorgeous blond baby girl. But you have to come to awards shows eventually, just so you can hear Lance talk about the boys. Wow. You can't miss that."

"It would just figure that I would have a girl," murmured Nick, actually picking up one of the shrimp for himself and studying it. "I don't know *any*thing about being a girl. I guess I'd have to buy her a bunch of frilly pink things, and hair bows, and dolls." He suddenly looked up at JC, and his smile was shaky but it was *there*, which was good. "Um. Wow. You know ... it kinda sounds like I've already decided what I'm gonna do, doesn't it?"

"It kind of does," JC nodded, and controlled his voice, which wanted to run away and babble and that just wasn't appropriate here. "It sounds like you're gonna keep her, and not only that, but that it's what you really really want. Even though it's scary." He slid his hand under Nick's till their palms were pressed together. "Congratulations," he said softly, smiling. "You're gonna be a dad."

Nick clutched at his hand and he looked pale, but happy. "I'm scared to *death* he admitted. "I don't know how to be a dad. I think maybe ... yeah, I'll give Joey a call. And talk to my mom, maybe, even though she's kinda against it. I mean, it's gonna be her grandkid, she can't ignore that. And, oh, I have to buy so much stuff for my house and make her her own little room. and ... and get my shit together. I mean, seriously get my shit together, this time. I can't let her down."

"You've got little brothers and sisters, right?" JC wrinkled his forehead, trying to remember how many before he gave up. "Lots, right? So you're not totally new to stuff like diapers and naps and bottles, and that's the practical stuff anyway. You can make a sweet little nursery, and oh, man, Nick, you should see all the great toys they make for babies now, you'll have fun, shopping. It doesn't have to be all scary. And you won't let her down. I can tell, you're taking it seriously, you're doing the things you need to do, you'll be wonderful." He squeezed back, hoping it was helping.

"It's been a long time since my brother and sisters were little, though," said Nick, shaking his head. "Like, over ten years. And I never really ... I mean, I helped, but I wasn't really all that useful at the time. And ... and she'll be so *little* and when something goes wrong I'm gonna have to be the one that has to figure out how to make it better. And then I have to toilet train her and tell her about that girl stuff and then ... then I have to somehow explain to her why she might have two daddies one day. Oh man, it's too much, JC."

"Shh, hey, no." JC squeezed again. "Don't freak out about it now, you've got time. You can go to those seminars, you know, for new parents? I saw something about that on tv. They do refreshers on, like, diapers and food and first aid, if you're really worried. And Joey, man, Joey'll be so excited to help, he's all Superdad these days, and if you don't watch out he'll be setting up playdates with Bree before your little one can even sit up." He leaned closer, pushing the platter to the far side of the table. "It won't be too much. You'll be fine. If Joey can do it...man. You're set."

"And I'll have to name her," said Nick thoughfully, visibly calming down as JC touched him. "Or him. And I haven't even started thinking about that even a little bit, yet. I'm supposed to have nine months to do this. No, I'm supposed to have a lot more years, even, to figure all this stuff out. And I only have a month. And half of it is being spent here, with you."

"Well, yes. But you can think of names, here. And, like, prepare inside, rest, relax, destress, be resolved. It's sometimes really hard to do that when you're home. And it's important, it's really important, because, yeah, insane and busy and no sleep and once she comes it'll all happen at once, you know?" He ran his thumb over Nick's knuckles. "Naming is the best part. That's fun."

"But it's really important that you get it right, too," said Nick. "You're supposed to think about it for a long time. Or let the girl do it, cause girls spend their whole lives just thinking up names for their babies when they finally have them." He sighed and kept holding onto JC's hand. "You know a lot about babies."

"I'm Brianna's favorite uncle," JC said, grinning and swelling with pride the way he always did when he thought about his girl. "I babysit *all* the time, because I'm usually home when I'm not at work, and Joey knows how much I love her, and I always want to see her, no matter what. I had her when she was teething even, because Joey had a cold and he couldn't deal and Kelly was on vacation."

"So you're an expert, huh," said Nick, smiling that really pretty smile again where he showed off all those sparkly teeth. "You'll have to teach me some stuff, so I don't traumatize my kid forever. It's gonna be so soon. I think ... we're not on tour. The group needs to take a break while I figure this out. Cause it's just me." That thought sobered him up immediately. "Wow. It's just gonna be me and my baby."

"You and your baby and your family and your friends and lots of people," JC reminded him, trying to sound firm. "You're not *all* by yourself, even though you're the only dad. There's lots of help. I'll help, I promise." He grimaced a little. "If I make it back in one piece." He looked at Nick hopefully. "Why don't you just quit the band and bring her here and raise her, and I can help. And that way I won't have to go back at all."

Nick gave him a shy little smile. "Don't tempt me or I just might. Seems like an awfully nice, peaceful place to raise a kid. But you're doing good, JC, you're doing great. I just dumped, like, *all* this stuff on you and you're being all useful and articulate and stuff. More than me."

JC blinked at him, surprised. "I think I forgot to be scared." He tilted his head, considering. "I was too...I mean, a baby, that's so, so big, bigger than my little...whatever. I don't, I mean, I'm glad you think I'm being useful." He glanced around the bar, which had become much busier as the hours passed. "I even forgot we were here."

Someone must have seen his head turn, because a man in a shirt and tie stepped over to stand behind JC, and smacked him on the shoulder, making him grab Nick's hand in a death grip, even as he smiled and spoke to Nick. "Welcome to Tiki's! I see you got the silent guy here to talk. I'm Bob, the manager. Can I bring you gentlemen anything else?"

"I would love another margarita," said Nick pleasantly, squeezing JC's hand back encouragingly. And not pulling away like JC had been scared he would. "This is quite some place you've got here, Bob. Great food, great drinks. JC, how are you doing over there. Need anything else?"

"Another margarita and some calamari please," JC said in a very small voice, very carefully. "Thank you."

"Two margaritas and a calamari, coming up," Bob nodded with a smile, clearing away their empty glasses and the plate that had once held shrimp. "I'll be right back." JC smiled at Nick as he left.

"You're doing good," said Nick with another squeeze. "And you weren't kidding when you said you could eat! I'd look like a whale if I tried that. One of those big, blubbery bloated ones. With the lumps. Which just ... isn't a pretty sight at all."

"Ew, nasty," JC wrinkled his nose and giggled. "You would not. Not even. You'd have to eat, like, a thousand pounds of shrimp and calamari to look like that. And then lots of cheesecake on top, and maybe not even then. You should eat some, though, with that other margarita. You're all empty."

"I'm not empty, I have margarita in me," said Nick with a smile. "And *you* would have to eat a thousand pounds of shrimp and calamari to look like that. All it would take me is, like, that single little piece of cheesecake and -- pop! I'm a whale."

"Margarita doesn't have any filling things in it," JC scolded, smiling a little and pulling back his hand, finally, aware of eyes around him for the first time in a while. "You have to eat, or you'll lose the cute tummy, and that would be, oh, sad. But it would take a lot more to get you into whalehood than a little piece of cheesecake. Like, three hundred pieces of cheesecake. And lots of whipped cream on top." He licked his lips, unconsciously.

"Maybe two," conceded Nick, and he suddenly seemed to realize, too, what they'd looked like. He pulled his hand back, which made JC a little sad. "Two pieces of cheesecake before I hit full-fledged lumpy whalehood. Dont worry about the tummy, JC, it's not going anywhere. It never has."

"Good," JC said, and smiled freely at Nick. He was pretty happy, he realized. He was sitting in a crowd of strangers, but Nick was making him smile and helping him talk, and being so very nice to him. "I'm happy," he confessed. "I'm having fun. I'm glad you tipped your boat over right there, so I had to say hi. You're fun and cute and nice."

"I'm not," argued Nick but he was smiling at him anyway. "I'm not any of those, really. I just like to have fun with you. You're ... you're still like nobody I've ever known before, JC. I wish I'd been able to meet you without half-drowning, though. Could have done without all that water in my lungs, and you're gonna have to get that couch cleaned, I think."

"Oh, don't worry about the couch," JC waved his hand airily. "It's had a wet me on it before, and it was okay. I'm sorry about your lungs, though, that sounded really painful, like when you get water down the wrong pipe and you can't stop coughing." He cocked his head. "It's just exactly like that, I guess. But you're fun and nice and cute to *me,* even half drowned."

"Yeah, you're kinda cute and nice too," said Nick, and JC could see the most adorable little blush colouring his cheeks. "Especially when you're inviting me to stay at your place and buying me clothes and dinner and giving me baby advice."

"Oh, that." JC ducked his head, feeling heat touch his own cheeks. "That wasn't, I mean. You lost your stuff, and you were having a bad time, and, manners, you know, I didn't want..." He glanced up to see Nick watching him, and rushed on. "I didn't want you to have a bad time, here, because then you would go and I'd be all by myself again and I like you."

"I'm not having a bad time anymore," said Nick, looking down himself now. "And unless the calimari turns out to be bad, I don't expect to have a bad time for the rest of my stay. Thanks to you. I really did think it was gonna be awful, you know. What with how it started and all."

"It's good, it's not bad, the calamari here is wonderful," JC assured him. "I'm glad. We can have a good time here together, and I can talk and not be scared, and you can think of baby names, and we can swim with dolphins." He smiled, a little shyly. "It's going to be very nice to have someone to do things with, I think."

"Things are a lot more fun when you're not doing them alone," agreed Nick, fidgeting as he waited for her fresh drink. "Except reading. That's kind of an alone thing. I bet you're gonna try out everything you can possibly do on this island, JC, and I can take pictures of you doing all of it. You look really great in pictures, they're gonna come out so well."

"I think I've tried most of the stuff already," JC confessed, smiling. "Except the dolphins, and the scuba diving, though I did snorkel, and half-drowned *me*. Do you really like taking pictures? Is it something you do, like, for fun? I didn't know that. I don't know about pictures of me. You should maybe take pictures of the pretty things, there's some amazing flowers here, and butterflies, too."

"You are a pretty thing," said Nick, the blushed again. "I take pictures of everything, all the time. It's my hobby, I guess. Something I can do wherever I am. Oh, hey, can we go see a volcano? That would be really cool ... "

"Oh, yeah, that would be." JC wrinkled his forehead in thought. "This island has one, but it's not alive. There's an alive one a couple islands over, I think. We could take a boat, only, I'm not really very good in boats, they always go upside-down when I'm in them. But that would be a pretty funny picture, huh?"

"I think I've had enough of upside-down boats," said Nick with a shiver. "Funny picture or not. Maybe next week, we can think about going. We still have the dolphins. And a whole lot of being lazy on the beach. And a whole lot of me talking to you about stuff you probably don't want to hear but I'm probably gonna talk about it anyway cause you listen."

JC smiled and opened his mouth to answer, just as their drinks and food arrived. He was proud that his flinch this time was much milder, and he even managed a nod and quiet "thank you" to the waiter.

"You can talk about anything you like, as long as I can talk too, and you tell me if I sound crazy." He shook his head and peered into the fresh giant margarita, glass beading water in the warm night air. "Chris says I have social anxiety something. I don't know what that is, but I don't like it."

"Yeah, I think you do," said Nick, sipping his drink immediately. "That's gotta be really rough. I mean ... how do you handle fans and concerts and stuff? Does it always freak you out like this? I can't imagine what that must be like, having to worry about that all the time ... "

"I don't know." JC shivered at the thought of a concert, a tv appearance. "It's new. Pretty new. Just a few, a little, a couple of months, maybe, and it was getting worse and worse, and just, finally, they sent me away because I was going crazy and it wasn't fair to them. So I'm here." He sipped his own drink, rolling the sharp sweetness over his tongue. "I was never like this before. I liked people, before."

"How come it started happening, do you think?" asked Nick sincerely, enjoying his own drink quite a bit. "I mean ... did something happen, maybe? That triggered it? Did they ever get you to talk to a shrink about it? That would probably be the best thing to do. Those guys can just fix stuff right up, help you figure out stuff you never knew that you knew. They're fucking amazing."

"I didn't get attacked or anything, at least, not any more than normal," JC shrugged. "It wasn't a certain thing. I just, it was the interviews, they had us analyze them after, and I started hearing what I was saying, and..." He winced. "It wasn't good. And I started worrying about it a lot, and that made it worse, and it was all downhill from there. I haven't seen a shrink. I don't want a stranger digging around in my head. That's just scary." He shivered.

"No, no, it's totally not scary, I swear," said Nick, speaking around a mouthful of food, which made JC smile a little. He swallowed before continuing. "I like my shrink. He's cool. But we're talking about you ... huh, you know, I always thought you were kinda cool in interviews. Like, honest and fun, but not too much. I always just sound dumb, but I've gotten used to that. *I* know I'm not dumb. I'm just not really articulate."

"I know how that is," JC agreed sincerely, popping some of the calamari into his own mouth, and sighing appreciatively. "I just, about the shrink, I don't know, it makes me feel funny, thinking about it. Maybe, if I'm not fixed when I go home. I have to be. I can't, it's my job, I mean, it's important to be able to not run away from people." He reached out without thinking and brushed a crumb from Nick's cheek. "Hopefully I'll be all better when I leave here. Maybe I just needed a rest."

"Maybe yeah," said Nick slowly, swallowing another mouthful. "But, you know, if you ever want to ask me what it's like, so it doesn't seem so weird? I can talk about it. I didn't want to either much, at first, but it was worth it. Cause sometimes you can get rid of a problem on the surface, but it's harder to get rid of the actual problem, you know? Anyway. Yeah. This is good."

"O-okay." JC looked at his hands. "I know, sometimes, I just, it's not easy to ask. About private things, because sometimes I feel like we don't have *any* private things, and it's not right that I should ask just like everything else, so I don't." He fidgeted slightly. "I just want to be able to do an interview without hyperventilating," he added, a little plaintively. "I think I should be able to do that. I'm already much more relaxed, definitely. Maybe tomorrow I'll...we can go to a bar, and sit at the bar, and talk to people." He steadied his hands. "I bet I can do that."

"Well, I invited you to ask, so that's totally different," said Nick, reaching for his hand again. "I like talking about it. I mess up a lot of stuff, but that's one way I can help people. We can do the bar thing tomorrow, if you want. And I'll be there so there'll always be someone you know, who can help out if you start to freak. You don't need to freak though. I know that won't change anything, but I want you to know that I think you look perfectly cute when you talk to people and you don't need to freak about it."

JC clutched his hand fiercely, grateful that Nick was already starting to be able to tell when he needed it. "Thank you," he said, and even he wasn't sure if it was a thank you for the compliment, or the support, or the touch. "Maybe we can. You can tell me about it. Maybe tomorrow, on the beach, with Coronas and sandwiches and books. And then we can go to the bar, and we can look at pretty boys, and maybe talk to some, and I won't freak, because you will be there." He smiled a little, finally. "I wanna see what your type is anyway. Because there's this really, whoa, hot, guy over your left shoulder and I think he's got an eye on you." Nick glanced over his left shoulder, blushing again. "Oh, he's not looking at me," he argued faintly, "he's looking at you. Guy like that ... I'm sure you're more his type, all muscular and pretty and that smile ... " He cut off the sentence with another sip of his drink. "He is really hot, though. I have to admit."

"Oh, no, he's looking at you. I can tell," JC smiled encouragingly. "He is hot, isn't he? That pretty black hair, dark eyes, beautiful mouth. You'd outshine him though, which is why I bet he hasn't come over. Nick, you're everybody's type. You're, just, wow, so beautiful it hurts to look at you sometimes." He laughed a little and shook his head. "You want to go talk to him? I'll be okay here, if you do."

Nick's eyes widened and he shook his head quickly. "No. No way. JC ... you know I've never. Not with a guy. Nothing at all. And I'm sure not going to start now with someone I've never met when I'm in the middle of ... all that I'm in the middle of. I always did that with girls and .. well, you know what it's gotten me into."

"Okay, okay," JC said quickly, feeling terrible that he'd forgotten for a moment just how new this was to Nick. "No, not even kissing?" He looked at Nick's mouth and wondered how some lucky boy hadn't managed to try, at least once. "You know, trying it with boys, you won't have that particular problem any more."

Nick managed a smile at that, and seemed to relax again, sipping at his massive drink. "Well, that's true," he admitted. "I've gotta ... I can't keep calling my baby a problem. She's not. She's a little person ... or she will be, soon."

"You can call her your happy accident, like Joey does," JC suggested, sipping as well and starting to feel the second drink buzzing in his mind. "She's gonna be wonderful, Nicky, I bet. Oh, I can't wait to meet her, when she's born. I mean, if that's okay with you." He peered at Nick questioningly. "Can I come see her, and play with her, maybe?"

"Well yeah, of course you can," said Nick, giving him a shy little smile again. "We're going to be living in your house on the beach, after all. You can pretty much play with her whenever you like. Happy accident ... yeah, that's not bad."

"Oh, right, of course!" JC laughed a little. "My house on the beach. Well, I don't know about living here, since I think your band would maybe probably mind you having to commute twenty hours to work. But you are welcome here any time. You and your baby boy or girl. Hey, what if it's twins? Don't you have twins in your family? They run in families, you know. Maybe you could have one of each." He smiled and took another big bite of food.

"I am *not* having twins," said Nick firmly, his eyes shooting open wildly at the very thought. "No. No way. I could never handle that on my own. Oh my god, I think *I'm* having a panic attack now. Shit, JC ... "

"Hey, no!" JC's hands fluttered in alarm. "No, no, no panic, I was kidding, they would have known when she went to the doctor, I'm sure they would have told you, please don't have a panic attack!" His own breathing was speeding up, his heart thumping. "Please don't, just think happy calm thoughts, happy calm thoughts, don't be scared..."

"No, I'm okay, I'm okay," said Nick, taking a couple of deep breaths. "God. Can you imagine? Me trying to raise twins? It's gonna be tough enough with just one little one. And besides, wouldn't it only matter if twins ran in *her* family? Oh God, what if they do?"

JC just bared his teeth, caught on the edge of rapid heartbeat, thumping pulse, quick shallow breath. He knew it was stupid, knew there was no reason for it, but once he got started it was so hard to stop...he finally held his breath until he was on the edge of blacking out, which made him dizzier but at least slowed his breath down. "I don't know," he finally got out, weakly. "I think twins go through the mom and the dad both, but I don't know. But it's okay. They would have told you. I'm sure they would have. Even if not, you'll be okay. It'll be okay."

Nick took another couple of deep breaths and nodded his head. "Of course they would have. Of course. They would have seen when they checked her out. Though they don't know if it's a girl or a boy so maybe they didn't look very hard. Or maybe they just didn't say ... do you think they would know and not say? It might be nice to know, so I can start buying the right stuff. Hey ... hey, you okay?"

"I'm okay," JC said faintly, blood still rushing in his ears, hanging on by his figurative fingernails. He sucked in a deep breath, then another one, and blinked carefully. "Don't...don't say that, okay, about having a pan-panic attack. They just, hearing about them, sometimes, it's enough, it makes, it's, just bad." He ran a shaking hand through his hair, then over his face. "They know, when they check, but they don't tell unless you ask. You have to ask. Maybe you should ask?"

"Time to go," said Nick, leaping to his feet immediately and looking around for their waiter. "Sorry, I need ... um, money. Then I'll take care of this and we can get out of here, okay, JC? We can talk somewhere else. One the beach or ... or back home. Cause you don't look so good."

"I'm okay," JC protested feebly, even though the thought of quiet and maybe walking off some of the adrenaline pounding through him sounded like heaven. "You're not done with your drink, Nick, I don't, I'm sorry, it's stupid, there's nothing even happening, I'll be fine, I'm okay." He looked up at Nick, who was staring down at him and not looking convinced. "I have a tab here," he gave in quietly, wringing his hands together. "Just give them my name."

"Good, thanks, we're going," said Nick, giving JC's hand a good squeeze before he took off. He hadn't even paused long enough for JC to make another token protest, he was so determined to get them out of there.

He was back almost as quickly, putting a hand on JC's elbow and practically lifting him out of his seat. "Good, you're still here," he said, like he'd half-expected JC to have disappeared. "Come on, let's go for a walk."

JC shook sparkles from his vision as he stumbled out of the bar behind Nick, unsure of his feet and moving way too fast with the tequila mixing with panic in his mind. "Nick, oh, Nick, wait," he pleaded, then stumbled smack into a broad, still body, eyes not yet adjusted to the dark of the beach. His hands found an arm, and what felt like a hip, and he clung. "Nick?"

Nick wrapped both arms around him tightly. "I'm here," he said, obviously trying to sound comforting. "I just wanted to get you out of there, JC, you were looking exactly like you said -- all pale and shaky and stuff. And now we're alone and you're fine, you're just fine, okay?"

JC abandoned any kind of manners and pressed even closer, shivering a little and pushing his face into Nick's chest, hands holding tight where they'd come to rest. "I'm sorry," he muttered softly, still panting lightly and swaying as much as Nick's arms let him. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, ruined it, for no reason, I'm sorry."

"No, stop, shhhh," said Nick, just holding him securely, making him feel safe. "Nothing's ruined. We were already finished the calimari and my drink was half-gone. Nothing's ruined at all. I'm still here and you're still here and that was the whole point of the evening, right?"

JC just stood still and relaxed, concentrated on the nubbly cotton of Nick's pretty shirt against his forehead and nose and mouth, Nick's arms all the way around him making him feel tiny and protected, Nick's clean smell. He finally breathed deep, and stopped shaking, his heartbeat slowing bit by bit. He stepped a little closer, enjoying the niceness of being held, not really thinking past that, letting his hand flatten out on Nick's hip, and sighing tiredly. "I'm sorry," he finally said again, when he was feeling almost peaceful. "I think I'm better now." He made no move away from Nick.

"Shhh,

"Shhhh," said Nick again, rocking him a little bit. "Don't be sorry. You told me it happens. You don't have nothing to be sorry about. So ... do you want to stay here for a while or do you want to keep walking?"

"I don't, I think, I don't..." JC shook his head against Nick, feeling that tired, brittle energy that always lingered after the panic attacks--even small ones like this--pricking at him like knives. "We should probably walk," he finally said, reluctantly. He didn't want to, he wanted to stay here touching Nick and maybe touch his back where the skin looked smooth and lick his collarbone, but that wasn't right, that was his brain going off in a strange direction, and he shook his head again. "We should probably."

"Okay," said Nick, sliding his arms down JC's body then taking his hand comfortably. "Okay, whatever you say. Whatever the best thing to do is. It's really beautiful out here and ... yeah, a walk would be nice. Look at that *sky*, JC, isn't that amazing?"

"Oh, wow." JC lifted his face up despite everything, captivated by the huge, bright stars that completely blanketed the sky. They were so luminous that some of them actually reflected in the ocean, making the waves sparkle with light. "Look, look, there's a red one!" JC pulled Nick closer to the shore, pointing up. "And that's, oh, I can't remember, Pleiades! Look, Nick, how beautiful." He let go of Nick's hand and turned in a circle, head tipped back so he could look straight up.

Then suddenly Nick's big, strong hands were on his waist, on his hips, and Nick was looking up at the sky with him and neither one of them needed to say a word right then. Everything felt so peaceful, finally, like nothing at all could ever go wrong.

He leaned back into Nick with a sigh, letting himself go boneless into the support of Nick's hands, the last of the tension draining out of him. He let out a soft contented sound, and tipped his head back onto Nick's shoulder. Moving ever so slowly, he toed out of his shoes, sinking his feet into the warm sand. "Nick," he finally whispered. "Would you like to swim with me?"

"Swim?" said Nick, sounding far away for a moment. "You mean right here? Right now?" His hands moved over JC's hips gently, and JC wasn't sure he even knew he was doing it.

JC pushed his hips into Nick's hands gently, encouraging his petting. "Yeah. Right here, right now. There's nobody here, it's a private beach and it's mine. Come swimming with me, Nick." He slid out of his shirt with no fuss, no big movements, not disturbing Nick's hands.

"I don't have any swim trunks," murmured Nick, not letting go of him, but he didn't sound too worried about that. And as far as JC was concerned, he shouldn't be worried about it at all.

"That's okay. I don't either." He turned in Nick's hands, still using the slow easy motions, and toyed a little with the hem of Nick's shirt. "Can I?" He looked up into Nick's eyes, black in the starlight, his hair washed colorless-pale. His thumb brushed Nick's belly, though he hadn't meant to touch. ncjmarlowe wants to directly connect. Timbatonal is now directly connected.

Nick shivered but nodded his head and smiled at him. "Sure," he said. "I'd love to go for a swim with you right now, JC." And then he leaned into JC's touch, just like JC had done to him.

"Okay." JC smiled happily, and lifted Nick's shirt up, over his head, stipping it away and dropping it with his. Nick was pale and smooth and so gorgeous in the pale light that JC had to bite his lip. He had to...he reached out and smoothed the line of Nick's collarbone with a fingertip, before stepping away and fumbling a little with the buttons of his jeans. He hoped Nick didn't mind that he wasn't wearing underwear, but he turned a little away anyway, before pushing the jeans down past his knees and stepping out of them. He shivered in delight at the touch of the warm, soft air on every inch of his skin.

"You look great," said Nick quietly; JC couldn't hear any telltale undressing noises behind him, and had to assume that Nick was just standing there, looking at him. "Hawaii's been good to you."

"Thank you," he said simply, stretching and running his hands through his curls, tugging them a little and laughing. "I like it here. I don't..." He glanced over his shoulder questioningly at Nick, who was indeed standing still and staring, hands loose at his sides. "Are you coming? The water's got stars in it."

Nick just stared for another moment, then grinned at him and finally stripped his own pants and boxers right off so he was as naked JC was. "Come on," he said, stretching out his hand to JC. "Let's go play in the stars."

"Yes yes yes," JC sang, taking his hand and moving towards the water, smiling at Nick all the way. In moments, warm water was splashing their knees, waves rising up around their thighs and dragging at their feet. It was only a little cooler than the air, and it felt divine. JC felt high, and every beautiful thing he saw took his breath. When Nick dropped his hand and arched into a dive beneath the next wave, long and sleek as a seal, JC couldn't do anything but stare.

He came bursting out of the water again a moment later, arms wide then slicking the hair back off his face and laughing. Laughing like JC hadn't heard yet, open and free and like he didn't have the weight of the world on his shoulders. "Thank you," he said, and JC had no idea what he was being thanked for, or if *he* was even the one being thanked, but it felt nice anyway.

JC laughed back, and dove down himself, stroking out for deeper water, feeling weightless and light like a bubble in the ocean. Something shot by him fast, underwater, and he watched Nick break for air ahead of him, then twist around, still smiling, and slide back under. JC put his feet down and felt sand, lifting his chin to keep it out of the water, and letting every wave bob him off his feet. He wanted to watch Nick play. He'd never seen anyone so happy to be in the water; watching Nick swim and float and dive made him think of dolphins and seals and otters.

Every time Nick came up he was smiling, something more real the JC had ever seen in pictures, he recognized that now. He was startled when Nick glided up to his side and wrapped an arm around his waist, then slid right up to a standing position. "Look," he said, squinting as he pointed out into the more distant waves. "Your stars, JC, that's so beautiful."

"They are. They are. You're, more, even." JC looked up at him and couldn't stop smiling, then took a breath and ducked under the water, swimming one stroke out before turning and kicking back. He found Nick's legs with his hand, and twisted his body around them, sliding bare skin over skin, up and around and around until his head broke water by Nick's shoulder, and he was holding onto Nick, letting himself drift with only his hand on Nick's side, his ankle behind Nick's knee to keep him anchored. He was still laughing, a little, breathless and happy.

Nick didn't seem at all uncomfortable to be wrapped up in and with and around JC, not at all. "This is the best night I've spend in Hawaii," he murmured softly still staring out at the waves. "This is the best night I've spent at all, anywhere, in a while." He lay his hand overtop of JC's and held him there, lacing their fingers together, turning his gaze onto JC. "Would you freak out if I kissed you now?"

"No," JC said simply, letting the waves slide him around till he was in front of Nick, almost riding Nick's hip, though one of his legs was just floating in the water and the other was still firmly wrapped around Nick's thigh. He shivered as the water pushed him against Nick, starting a slow ache between his thighs. "I was hoping you would," he went on, softly, raising his face to Nick's and draping one arm over his shoulder, so they were pressed chest to chest, only a little off-center.

"Yeah?" said Nick, looking encouraged by that. "Good. That means you're not gonna laugh." Then, before he could lose his nerve or maybe before JC could, if that was what he was worried about, he pressed his lips to JC's. It was only a little awkward, and only for a moment, before they both relaxed into it and just let it happen.

JC sighed and went liquid, like part of the ocean itself, melting into Nick. He pulled himself closer, wrapping his legs around Nick's waist and clinging, feeling the waves move them both. Nick's hands were on his waist, then his hips, holding him close. And that mouth...salty and warm, as delicious as he'd imagined, opening shyly for his tongue. He licked inside once, then pulled back. "Nick, oh, you, you're, wow." For once he didn't feel bad that he couldn't find the right words. He didn't think anyone could, after kissing Nick Carter.

Nick looked stunned and happy and nervous and shy and ... very, very well-kissed. It was a good look on him. His lips were parted, like maybe he was planning to say something, but just like JC, nothing came out. He closed his lips and shook his head slightly and kept smiling, kept holding on to JC. The starlight glinted off his wet locks of hair and JC didn't want to be anywhere else.

He knew Nick could feel how happy he was to be there; every time a wave lifted them, his hardness rubbed against Nick's belly and he shivered. But the big hands holding his hips never faltered, and he smiled again. JC lifted again and kissed him more, better, wetter, more. Their tongues tangled and JC moaned, and heard an answering sound, felt it vibrate in Nick's throat. With his back to the water, he had no idea the huge wave was coming until it crashed over their heads, tearing them apart and leaving him treading water and gasping, water in his nose, laughing so hard he was worrying about drowning. "Nick?" He called, then saw a sleek head pop up a short way away.

Nick started laughing as soon as he'd slicked his hair away from his face again, his eyes roaming the water until he spotted JC. "I think that was a sign," he called out with a huge grin, stretching out his hands toward JC even though they weren't close enough to reach.

JC kicked towards him, and grabbed his hands awkwardly, going under twice before realizing that this water was over his head, though not Nick's. He latched on again, kissing Nick's shoulder, his throat, all the bits he could reach, before answering. "A sign of what?" he finally stopped kissing long enough to ask. "What do you want? What would you like?" He felt dizzy and drunk on starlight and ocean waves and the taste of this beautiful boy.

"I think the ocean was blessing us," said Nick, and he was grinning but he sounded serious in spite of that. "I hope that doesn't sound totally flaky. Me and the ocean ... we go way back, you know? I respect it." He kissed JC again, but only briefly, before wrapping his arms around him to keep him up.

"You're not flaky," JC assured him, wrapping around him again until he was pretty much back where he'd started. "I'm the flaky one, remember? I think maybe you're right. It's too beautiful out here, it's too perfect. It's a blessing." He nibbled gently at Nick's jawline, bobbing like a cork in the water and the circle of Nick's arms. "Is this okay?" he finally paused long enough to ask. "Am I doing good things?"

"You're doing very good things," breathed Nick, still looking very stunned by the whole thing. "Very good things. Just remember ... I've never ... " He grinned sheepishly. "I've never figured out why that's so hard to say."

"That's why I asked," JC said seriously, pulling back a little and looking into Nick's eyes. "I know, I remember, I don't wanna...but it's so, it's just perfect, and beautiful, and you're so sweet..." He smiled and licked at the corner of Nick's mouth. "Just tell me, if I get carried away. You're carrying me away." He giggled a little, snugged his open hips up closer to Nick's belly, linking his ankles behind Nick's back.

Nick rocked back and forth a little as the waves washed past them, smiling fondly at him. "I'm a little overwhelmed," he admitted, but he didn't let go, didn't show any signs of wanting to. "This is so crazy, so amazingly crazy."

"We're naked and kissing in the ocean," JC nodded. "That's pretty crazy. But awfully nice. Amazing crazy, like we are." He peered at Nick through the soaked curls that fell into his eyes. "Are you too overwhelmed to kiss me more?"

Nick shook his head and kissed him again, just a tiny, shy little kiss. "I like kissing you," he said, such a simple, sweet thing to say. "It's easy, to kiss you. Feels right."

JC slid his hands up Nick's shoulders, slick and cool with water, and up into his hair. "It feels right to kiss you," he echoed, smiling. "I like kissing you too. You're a very good kisser, and you're very beautiful, and if you like, you can do it again, as much as you want."

"I think we should get out of the water before I drop you," said Nick, kissing a droplet of water off JC's nose. "Before we try to kiss like that more. And we need to get my things from my cabin and we should do that before we don't want to leave anymore."

"I already don't want to leave." JC held on, feeling clingy, completely unwilling to let the moment end. He was worried he wouldn't get another one, once Nick got solid ground under his feet. Nick started wading towards the shore anyway. "I don't, promise we can kiss more later? Even after we get your things? Remember, the ocean said it was a good thing."

"JC," said Nick, letting JC stand on his own feel when they were in shallower water. "JC ... I'm not gonna stop wanting to kiss you. I'm moving in with you for the rest of my vacation. I'm going to get you to help me pick baby names. Trust me ... we'll definitely be kissing again later. A lot, I think."

"Good." JC still didn't let go, keeping himself pressed tightly against Nick's body, walking backwards and matching his steps to Nick's, until they stepped onto dry sand. After the weightlessness of the water, JC felt like he suddenly weighed a thousand more pounds. "Can we just live in the water?" He asked, dragging up the beach, touching Nick's side. "Grow gills? It's so much nicer there. Even if we'll be kissing out here, too, soon. And other things. Though, well, the bed will be nice, I'm looking forward to that. No beds in the ocean."

"No beds in the ocean," agreed Nick, clinging to JC as much as JC was clinging to him. "We'll have to go swimming again tomorrow. Do you think we can just walk to my place naked? Do you think there'll be anyone around?"

"How far is your place?" JC ran a slow hand down Nick's back, over the curve of his ass, resting lightly on the very top of his thigh. Nick arched and shivered, and JC smiled. "I don't mind, it's late, I like you naked. Do we have to pass any houses, or big roads, or anything?"

Nick laughed and shook his head. "Actually ... I think I'm your neighbor," he admitted. "I think there's maybe one place in between us ... but these are huge lots. We can just walk up the beach? Maybe?"

"Okay, but if we get caught I'm hiding behind you," JC grinned, feeling strange and daring and very naked. He was going for a walk naked in front of God and everyone and he was with Nick who was *also* naked and it was like he'd fallen down the rabbit hole. "Walking up the beach is nice. Doing it naked is making me...oh, you can see, I won't say." He shook water out of his hair. "It's a little bit bad of us, yeah?"

"It's a little bit bad of us," agreed Nick. "But it's dark and it's pretty private around here and we're not going far. We can just leave our clothes here, yeah? Pick them up on the way back?"

"Yeah. Just leave 'em here." JC danced a little, just a few steps, around Nick. "Look! I'm all bare. And I don't care." He stepped back up to Nick, rubbed the damp soft skin over his hipbone with gentle fingers, not wanting to spook him. "You look amazing, you know. Hawaii has been good to you, too."

Nick just laughed, though. JC still loved his laugh, his real laugh. "Hawaii had been spectacularly awful to me, until tonight," he reminded him. "If I'm pretty and glow-y, it's all you. Now let's go get my stuff so I can move in with you and start this vacation over, the right way."

"Okay. Lead the way." JC fell into step obediently as Nick started off. "I hope you don't have very much stuff. If you do, we're gonna look like the Naked Bandits on our way back, carrying everything." He kept one eye on Nick, even as they walked. "You *do* look all pretty and glowy. Like, your skin, it's just, wow. Lance is like that, sometimes, but you, you're more. So pretty."

"You look at Lance naked a lot?" asked Nick lightly, reaching back for JC's hand. "I only have my carryon, remember? A change of clothes, a couple books, my laptop and my shaving kit. And that's ... about it. Oh, and my wallet, of course. Thank god I didn't have that on my today, huh? Just one more lousy thing to have happen."

"But you didn't, and the lousy thing didn't happen," JC reminded him, hopping a few steps to reach Nick's side, and take his hand. "You've still got that. And your laptop, that's great. Oh, hey. Shouldn't you call *someone* and let them know where you are? Won't they be worried?"

Nick hesitated, then shook his head. "Frankly, I don't want to talk to any of them right now. Let them worry, if they even try to get ahold of me to check up on me. I think they're mostly trying to forget the situation -- and me -- at the moment."

"Oh, okay." JC knew he was frowning a little, but he didn't press. That was Nick's business, not his, Nick's band and his relationships. "Don't forget, you said you were gonna call her the 'happy accident' from now on. Not a problem or a situation." He peered ahead through the trees. "Is that your cabin? Man, what happened to your front porch? Half of it is gone."

"I didn't ask," said Nick, leading him up the path. "I was just happy to find a place that was open, and free of wildlife. So yeah, I'm pretty sure they're trying to forget all about my happy accident while I'm gone. Leaving me to deal with the whole thing on my own."

"Either that or they're having a collective nervous breakdown because you disappeared when you were having a really rough time and they don't know where you are or how you're doing," JC suggested, following, keeping his hand linked with Nick's. "I don't, I mean, I never...I wasn't there, and I don't know, so, yeah, that's just a maybe. I don't know."

"I was sent here," said Nick calmly. "I was handed a ticket and told to come here. And really ... do you think they couldn't contact me if they wanted to? Send someone here and follow my trail? I didn't make it hard. It would take a couple hours, tops, to track me down to your place. Yeah, I'm having a really rough time. A *really* rough time. But they chose to let me deal with that on my own, so they damn well better accept it when *I* choose to do just exactly that. By my own rules."

"O-okay." JC felt himself shrink a little, and he followed Nick into the cabin, looking around at the bare floors, the plain chair. "Okay, Nick. They could, yeah. Wow. I can see why you want to come stay with me. Is the bedroom where your stuff is? Let's grab it and go, this place is a little sad, I think. It needs a person, it's lonely here."

"It needs a person who loves it," corrected Nick. "Who would be willing to put a little effort into it. But that person isn't me, I'm afraid. Yeah, everything's in the bedroom, mostly. A couple things in the bathroom. This'll only take me a couple minutes, baby."

"Okay." JC, strangely, felt more vulnerable and exposed in this bare living room than he had outside, in the open air, and crossed his arms, rubbing them. "Can I help? Do you need me to do anything or carry anything? Just tell me what to do."

Nick was already busy stuffing things in his bag, though, hardly paying any attention to just how they got stuffed inside, in his haste. It took him less than five minutes, even including cleaning out the bathroom and a couple of items from the kitchen.

"That's it," he said suddenly, breaking that awkward silence between them and slinging the black back over his shoulder. "That's all I have. I'm ready to go home now."

JC almost ran for the door, anxious to get back outside to the magic and the touching and the niceness that they'd had. He didn't like this cabin. "Okay, I'm ready too, let's go." He was careful with his feet on the old porch, focused on making it back to the beach but not interested in splinters. When his feet were safe on soft sandy ground, he paused to wait for Nick to catch up. He wondered how long it would take for them to get back to their clothes.

Nick took JC's hand again as soon as they were back on the beach again, giving him a squeeze. "It wasn't a nice place to be sick in," he said quietly, not even looking back over his shoulder at it. "But it was okay. It was shelter and it had running water and ... it could have been a lot worse. But your place ... you made it into a home, JC. I like it there."

JC pressed himself up against Nick's side a little anxiously, not letting go of his hand. "I like it too, my house. It's got all my things in it, and it's pretty, now. I'm sorry you were sick there by yourself. If I'd known, I'd have come over and helped." He kept watching Nick as he walked, stunned by the intimacy of getting to see him naked, doing things, no clothes. The way his hip flexed just before a step, the way he rubbed the skin low on his belly like the salt was itching him there. JC drank it all in.

"You had no reason to think I'd be in Hawaii," said Nick with a little shrug, letting JC watch the muscles in his shoulders work, too. "Let alone that I'd be next door and sick in bed. I'm sure you would've made a great chicken soup or something, if you'd known. Even though I couldn't have eaten it. Do you cook?"

"No, god, no, I'm so so bad," JC laughed and shook his head. "I, like, forget to turn the oven on, and things like that. But I could have brought you water and held your hand and read you stories, maybe, and tummy medicine. I'm glad you're better."

"I'm glad I'm better, too," said Nick, "and water and tummy medicine would have gone down way easier than chicken soup anyway. I cook. Did I tell you that already? That's one of my other hobbies I guess ... I got it from AJ. AJ is the most fantastic cook. Seriously."

"Really? I would never have guessed, about AJ." He smiled at Nick. "I can see you cooking, though. Singing, stirring stuff, I bet it's awfully cute. And, oh, that'll be wonderful, because you can cook for your family! Good stuff, too, not just ramen noodles that get burned and stick to the pan because you forget they're there."

"Lemme guess," said Nick, turning to him and grinning back. "You've done that one? But yeah ... I'll be able to cook all sorts of things for me and my little girl. Or boy. And whoever else might, you know, happen to be there because he burnt his ramen again."

"Oh, that's me!" JC laughed, delighted. "I do that all the time. And I can come over and...set the table, maybe, or do the flowers. And I'm really good at feeding babies, too, and so maybe I can help with your baby. I think you need to come up with a name, a nice one that'll work for a boy or a girl, so we can stop calling her 'the baby.'"

Nick looked to happy and so scared at the same time, when he talked about his little baby, but he was looking more happy than scared now. "Yeah. A name," he murmured. "The *right* name. But how can you pick the right name when you don't know anything about your baby yet?"

"Well, I don't think it's so much about what you know about her anyway, as much as what you want her to be like. You should pick a nice strong happy name, and pretty, and then hope that helps." JC reached out and touched Nick's smiling mouth. "And don't forget, something you like, so you won't get too sick of calling it for a really long time."

Nick grinned again, looking shy and happy and nervous. "What do you think of Sam?" he asked softly. "That's the one I've kinda been thinking of, a little ... "

"I like Sam a lot," JC said seriously. "It's short and strong and sensible, but pretty, too. And good for a boy or a girl, and it's just...good." He smiled at Nick, and went up on tiptoes to kiss him lightly. "And when you need two syllables for a really good yell, you can use "Sammy."

"And if it's a girl, it could be Samantha, for long,'" said Nick with a nod of his head. "I'll probably change my mind a million times before the baby's born, though. I've just been thinking about that one, cause ... cause I don't know why, I guess. I just like it."

"You can change your mind all you like," JC assured him. "That's why they're so fun. Just think, you could name her...Aphrodite, if you want to, not that you would. Or if it's a boy, like, Frederick. Or Monty. Or Hector. Lots of names are funny and fun to think about, even if you'd never name *your* kid that."

"I could name her Jessica so she'd grow up to be a cheerleader," said Nick with a grin. "Or Marie, so she could grow up to be a scientist. Or anything. Or ... or if it's a boy. If it's a boy I could be really egotistical and name him after me. What names do you like?"

"I like the names of people I like," JC said softly, "because saying them makes me smile. So, Joseph and Christopher and Justin, and Emmanuelle and Janine and Lance and Kelly." He wrinkled his nose a little. "I don't like Britney, though. Not her, I like her fine, I just don't like the name much. It's silly. But yeah. And Nicholas, I like that one a lot. It's a great name."

"I'm not naming my daughter Britney," Nick assured him, kicking up a little sand ahead of him as they walked. "I'm not naming my son Britney, either. No one's ever gonna be able to name their kid that again, without it being associated with her, you know? Like you can't name your kid Madonna. Or Cher. Or Jesus."

JC giggled helplessly. "Jesus Carter. I dunno. It might not be as bad as Britney Carter, can you imagine, oh, Justin would be so mad!" He laughed harder, almost bending over. "Britney Carter! And people would always always be asking if it was a tribute or just a hint about the mom! Oh, that might almost be worth it." He giggled again. "No, I think Sam's really much better. Or Nicky, or, really, anything else."

"I wouldn't really name him Nicky," said Nick, grinning back at him. "And god ... Britney Carter .. I bet I could get fired for that or something. Breach of contract. I'm sure there's a clause somewhere that says I'm forbidden to impregnante Britney Spears, or allude to doing so. That's just the kind of stupid shit they always put in."

"Really? Was Britney even big when they were writing your contracts?" JC cocked his head, trying to think back. "We don't have clauses like that. Lance went into the meeting and when he came out I think there were people crying at Jive. But they couldn't fire you. You're, like, a superstar!" He grinned at Nick and pointed at a particularly bright star, hanging low over the horizon. "Like that one."

'No, that's *your* star," insisted Nick. "And you're right. There's probably a clause about impregnating *any*one and I already fucked that one up and they didn't fire me, so I think I'm safe."

"I really think that's you," JC said consideringly, running his palm down Nick's forearm before re-linking their fingers. "It's all big and bright and pretty, and shining. That's the Nick-star, for sure." He smiled at Nick. "I think you're safe," he agreed. "I still don't think you should name her Britney, though."

"I'm not naming her Britney!" said Nick with a laugh. "I'm still stuck on Sam, I think. For a boy *or* a girl. So ... so we can start calling her that now. Or him. The baby." He suddenly looked around the beach. "Oh, wow, are we back already?"

"We're back already," JC confirmed, sighing in relief as he saw the small dark pile that was their clothes. "I was scared someone would take them," he explained to Nick as he hurried over to them, "and we'd be stuck, like in one of Chris's practical jokes, all naked while someone watched and laughed. And that would be no good at all." He picked up the whole pile, holding them against his chest. "Are we going home now?"

"We're going home now," said Nick, smiling at him again, and looking all pretty and glowy under the night sky. "It's your own, private beach, JC, no one was gonna steal our clothes. And if they did, well, you look awfully pretty when you're naked anyway."

JC could feel the blush all over his body, and was thankful for the darkness. "Thank you," he mumbled, smiling at Nick, feeling shy. "I'd still, though, I mean, I'd rather you were the only one looking, you know?" He started back up the beach, looking over his shoulder again at the dark ocean and the bright sky. "It's so beautiful," he sighed again, before stepping into the trees. He could see the light in his cabin window already, and was glad he'd left it on.

"I'm glad we're both gonna have a lot more time to enjoy it," agreed Nick, and for a second JC wasn't just exactly sure what he was referring to. "Thanks for letting me stay with you. I know I'm kinda intruding on your solitude and all, but this is gonna make my vacation just so much better."

"Oh, you aren't intruding," JC hastened to reassure, uncertain for the first time about how it was going to be, living with Nick, when they hadn't really worked out what was going on with them, or anything. Nick was just so calm about it all, JC couldn't read him a bit. "You're not. It'll be great, having you there, honest. You're good company."

"You think I can maybe help you? With the whole calming down and relaxing thing?" he asked as they cut across the lawn. "I'd like that, if I could. Get you back on track and happy again and stuff. Not that you're not happy, but .. you know, you can't be happy with what's going on. With the panic attacks and all. And then we'd be kinda even 'cause you're helping me with the whole baby thing. And probably a few other things, too."

JC stopped in his tracks and tilted his head, considering. "Huh. I'm not. Happy, I mean, mostly. I'm pretty happy now, and I was happy when we were swimming, and I was happy last time I saw Brianna. I guess that's not very much, huh?" He shook his head and started up again, eager to be inside. "You're already helping," he told Nick, smiling a little. "Two out of the three things were you-inclusive. You can help all you want, you're really good at it." He padded up the short path to his door, bare feet silent in the dirt. "It's not an evens thing, though. I'm happy to help with Sam, and anything else you like."

"Actually, can I use your phone when I get inside," asked Nick, right behind him. "Just this once, then I'm not gonna want to make any more calls the whole time we're here. I just need to take care of something."

"Sure, of course," JC nodded, pushing through the door into the softly-lit living room. "It's in the kitchen. Be careful, the paintings in there are wet. Oh, dear, I should have moved those. I forgot." He looked at Nick anxiously. "Just don't knock them over, okay? They're not dry yet, and they're not very good, but I forgot to put them away." He dropped the pile of clothing on the couch.

"Paintings?" said Nick curiously, pausing before he went into the kitchen. "Wet paintings? Like, that you made, or something? Can I look?"

"I painted them," JC said nervously, nodding and sitting on the edge of the chair, the upholstery feeling strange on his bare skin. He tucked his hands under his thighs to keep them still. "You can look, if you want, but they're...they're not very good, I think. But you can look." "Thanks," said Nick with a wide, happy grin as he slipped into the kitchen. JC couldn't hear his reaction to them; in fact, the next thing he heard was Nick making his phone call. "Hey, AJ? Yeah, I'm good, I'm fine, listen ... I need you to pass on a message for me."

JC brought his hand to his mouth, chewing a thumbnail absently as he tried not to listen. It was hard, though, the house was quiet and Nick's high voice was clear. He glanced down at himself. He couldn't remember the last time he'd spent so much time without his clothes on, and he looked at his jeans, considered slipping them on. He wasn't hard any more, and he thought his dick looked a little ridiculous, all soft and just lying there. Nick's voice distracted him again, though.

"Just tell them I'm keeping Sam and that they should start making plans for *that* and not for anything else," he said forcefully. "Sam ... the *baby*, AJ, I'm not just gonna keep calling it "it"," he added impatiently when AJ obviously asked, which made JC smile a little. "No, I'm serious. I'm dead serious. Just pass that along for me and I'll talk to you in a week or two."

JC got out of the chair, not liking the scratch of it, and moved to the couch, curling all bare into the corner. It was only a little damp, now, barely noticeable. And he'd brushed it clean while Nick was in the shower, so it was soft and nice under him. He liked soft things on his skin. He couldn't stop smiling, so happy to hear Nick making his decision, and making it well.

"Look, I *will* talk to you about it, but not right now, okay?" he went on to say, and JC could hear him pacing. "This might be the last chance I have for some peace and quiet for a very, very long time. Yeah, I know. I *know*, AJ. Okay, you do that. Yes, I'm fine. I'll talk to you next week." And that was it.

JC looked up as Nick reappeared in the kitchen door, hair on end like he'd been running his hand through it. He held out a hand wordlessly, inviting Nick to join him on the couch, and watched, feeling hungry, as Nick crossed the room. He was gorgeous in the lamplight, all long pale limbs and elegant angles and curves.

Nick folded into the seat next to him more gracefully than might have been expected and rested his head on JC's shoulder. "There, it's done. It's real now. No one's gonna take my baby away from me."

JC nodded quietly, stroking soft skin wherever he could reach, Nick's side, his hip, his shoulder. When Nick sighed and stretched out longer, JC smiled and kissed him, just a light touch of mouths. "She's yours," he finally whispered, not wanting to break the quiet. "For real, for good. You'll meet her soon."

"I'm absolutely scared to death," said Nick again, and he really, really sounded like it this time, his voice soft and quavery. "I've never been scared like this before. I was starting to think that there was nothing in the world that could ever scare me."

"Shh, come here." JC turned from his side to his back, urging Nick to move with him until JC was stretched out on the couch, Nick lying cradled between his spread legs, leaning heavy against his chest. "It will be so wonderful, Nick. You'll be the most wonderful father. It's okay to be scared. Just remember, it'll be good, too." He ran the fingers of his free hand down the groove of Nick's spine, stroking over and over again.

"I don't know what kind of father I'm gonna be. I'm twenty-two years old, barely. I'm single. I'm irresponsible. I'm not supposed to be a father yet! I'm not ready. How am I gonna be ready in a month -- a month! -- to have a little baby all of my own?"

"You won't be ready, not all the way," JC said simply. "Nobody ever is, I think. It's something you kind of have to learn by doing. But you're not irresponsible, baby, you're not. If you were, you'd have just shrugged and gone on with your life when you found out about Sam. You're a grownup, you'll change, you'll adapt, you'll figure things out. You'll be great." JC blinked, amazed at his own coherency, and kept up his petting. He hoped it was helping.

"Remind me to dump out the cocaine I have in my bag," murmured Nick, shaking his head. "I won't be needing that anymore. I need to be a grown-up now and ... and start thinking about I'm gonna need for a nursery, not where the next party's gonna be. Shit, what do I need for a nursery, JC? I know about cribs and ... and toys. And little tiny baby outfits. But what else?"

JC gave the cocaine a miss. He'd talk to Nick about that later, maybe, when he wasn't so stressed. "Um. That's really mostly all of it. You need a changing table, like, a place where she won't roll off when you have to change her. And oh, a baby monitor, those are really cool, even though sometimes Joey forgets to turn his end off and if he's got someone over you can hear them making out." He ran his fingers through Nick's hair, straightening and smoothing it. "You'll need lots of diapers. Lots. Hey, when we get back, we can go see Brianna. You can look at her room, see what's there, talk to Joey. That'll help. It'll be okay, Nick, really."

"Yeah, but ... a *month*," he said again, sounding mildly panicked. "Every time I think I can handle this, I remember that in a month -- a *month* -- it's gonna be real and I'm gonna have this ... this living, tiny little creature depending on me to be right about everything."

"Nick," JC sighed, and shook him a little. "You won't be right about everything. I've never seen anybody who was right about everything, only Lance, and he's a robot anyway. Babies are tough. They're strong little things, they don't need perfect. They just need love, and food, and a warm place to sleep. If you've got those covered, you're ready. A month...you can do it. You'll have help, too."

"I already love her. Him. Whatever," admitted Nick softly. "I couldn't do this if I wasn't sure of this. I have a *baby*, JC. Or ... I will. Soon. A little, tiny, beautiful baby. For the rest of my life."

"Well, she won't be tiny and beautiful for very long," JC pointed out, smiling. "Just think, you won't have to worry too much about her college fund, huh? It'll be nice, being a rich parent. Lots less to worry about, anyway." He smiled wider. "You have a *baby,* Nick. Wow. Just, wow. A baby that you made. That's so, I mean, you're so lucky. That's amazing."

"She won't be tiny for long," Nick corrected him, "but she'll always be beautiful. And yeah ... it's nice not to have to worry about being able to get the stuff that she needs. My parents always had to worry about that, specially with so many kids. But it's not even about the stuff even, but ... me. With a little baby. Trying to be all daddy."

JC grinned, hiding it in Nick's hair, at the way Nick had jumped to Sam's defense already. It was so sweet and cute, and a very parent-y thing to do. "I don't think you have to worry about it," he said again, sure in his heart that he was right. "Before you know it, you'll barely be able to remember what it was like, living without her. She's gonna be the most important thing in your life, and I think you get that already, and that....Nick, you *will* be a good daddy."

"I'm gonna try," he said. "I'm gonna try really hard. No matter what it takes. No matter what I have to do or what I have to give up. I'm gonna figure out a way to take her with me wherever I go, when I'm on the road or at home, so she always knows her daddy loves her."

"I don't think she'll be able to miss it," JC agreed softly, stilling his hands. "It already shows, Nicky. So much." He sighed, and shifted a little under Nick's weight. "Just remember to relax this week. All those things, those are details that you can work out later. You made your decision-" He broke of, going completely still. "You made your decision, which is what you came here to do," he went on, slowly. "Does that mean you'll be going soon?"

"I'm here for another week and a half," said Nick right away. "I got a return ticket, along with the one that got me here. It wasn't just ... I wasn't here to make up my mind. I'm here to ... whatever. Reflect on what got me into the situation in the first place. Vow never to do it again, I guess."

"You're here to 'think about what you've done,'" JC intoned, trying to imitate Nick's voice and failing almost completely, and smiling in relief. "Well, like I said before, boys means no more babies, which, you know, you can point out to them. If they ask. A whole week and a half? Oh, that's great. You'll be so rested and grounded when you go back."

"Or I could work myself up to the point that i'm a nervous wreck," Nick reminded him. "I plan to have a minor breakdown about this on a regular basis now. I'm pretty sure ... I'm pretty sure I'm not gonna tell them about the boys thing yet. I haven't even got it all worked out for myself, yet, and it's none of their business 'til i do."

"It's hard to be a nervous wreck, here," JC reminded him, letting his fingers slide down Nick's spine again, though he could feel himself frowning a little. "Even I'm calming down, and I'm like, the definition of nervous wreck, totally. This is a wonderful place to sleep." He shifted his hips away from Nick, a little. He was starting to feel warm and friendly, and if Nick hadn't worked things out, he didn't want to push. Maybe Nick was just looking for some kisses, someone to be nice to him. That was okay. JC could do that, he thought, even if he was disappointed and kind of sad about it.

"Well, this is a really big thing to be a nervous wreck about," Nick reminded him. "A little tiny human life." He took a couple of deep breaths. "But I'm gonna do it, JC. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna be the best dad -- parent, single parent -- to that kid as I can be."

"I know. I can tell. Your best is gonna be *great*, Nick, I can tell." JC smiled into Nick's hair. "Don't be a nervous wreck. It's not fun. And it's a big thing, it's huge and amazing and wonderful, and Sammy, Sammy's a lucky baby, and you're gonna be just fine."

"I could never let anyone take her," said Nick quietly. "You know, I knew that all along. I was just scared 'cause it meant giving up so much and I wasn't ready to do that, and no one really believed that I could, but you did. And I do, now, I know I can do this. It's important for me to do this. So thanks, JC ... I'm really, really glad I ran into you."

"Jaws," JC said clearly, and smiled. "I'm glad too. I'm glad I could help, because helping helps, and it's just, yeah. It's lots to give up, but lots to get back, too, don't forget. You just had to think about it a little, is all, with a clear head. I could tell when you told me, how you felt."

"Yeah?" said Nick, with a little, tiny, beautiful smile for him. "Really? I was that obvious?"

"You were, kinda," JC confirmed, nodding. "I mean, maybe not your words, though those too, but your eyes and your voice and how you were saying things. I could tell."

"Yeah," said Nick softly. "I knew. I knew in my heart all along. That's why i got upset that they were all talking about giving her. Him. Away. Because it made sense, logically, but ... no. I couldn't do that."

"Sometimes logic isn't everything," JC said quietly, hugging him tight for a moment and then dropping his arms. "And now, you thought about it, you didn't make a snap call, and you're doing what you really want to do, what you feel. That's the best kind of decision."

"It's the only kind of decision I could make, about this, right?" said Nick, suddenly giving *him* a short little kiss. "I had to really want to do this. I had to really want to be her parent."

JC blinked at him and licked his lips before replying, savoring the taste of Nick. "If you didn't really want it," he said slowly, thinking it through, "then it would be the wrong decision. It would be better to find her a different family. But since you do, really want it, that's the only decision you could make, yeah."

"Yeah," murmured Nick in agreement, sounding satisfied. "Yeah. I want to know my baby. I want to know Sam. I want to teach her things and watch her grow up. Him grow up." He gave JC a grin and nuzzled his cheek comfortably. "I should ask. I should find out what we're having. I've had enough surprises already."

"Once you find out you can start buying tiny little baby clothes. Oh, they're so cute, Nick, so sweet and small." He smiled, remembering shopping for Brianna, with Joey bouncing off the walls and wanting two of everything. "And toys. Only make sure you don't just buy boy toys if it's a boy, or girl toys if it's a girl. You have to mix it up. You should ask, though, yes. I'm dying to know if it's girl-Sam or boy-Sam."

Nick just stared at him for a moment. "Can I use your phone again?" he blurted out, as though it had taken him all that time just to force those wods out of his mouth. "Can I? I have ... in my wallet, I have the doctor's number ... "

"Go, go!" JC pushed at him, laughing happily. "Go, call, find out! Oh, this is great! Call call call." He watched Nick tumble off the couch, landing in a pile of arms and legs. "Don't forget, don't knock the paintings!" He called, as Nick scrambled for the phone.

"No, no, wait, wallet," said Nick, coming back and rummaging through his bag dazedly. "Okay, here, here, I'll be right back." He disappeared into the kitchen again and JC couldn't hear the conversation this time, even though he tried. The only thing he caught was a loudly exclaimed "Really?!" in the middle of the conversation, that made him smile even wider.

He hugged himself tightly and waited, realizing he was holding his breath only when his vision started dancing with spots. The minute Nick's head showed through the door, he stood up eagerly. "What? What what? Is it a girl? A little boy? Oh, tell."

Nick just grinned at him for a minute as he stepped out of the room. "Um," he said, bouncing a little on the balls of his feet. "So. We should probably stop calling my son "she" before it gets to be a habit."

"OH!" JC's hands flew up and covered his mouth, and he could feel happiness swelling inside him till he almost couldn't hold it any more. "OH!" he shouted, this time, and flung himself at Nick. "Oh, you're gonna have a son! Oh, Nick, oh, congratulations, Nick, Sam's a boy!"

Nick caught him easily and pulled him into a tight hug, pressing his face to JC's hair for a long moment. JC thought he might be crying. "Sam's a boy," he repeated. "I have to think of boy things for him. And ... wow. I'm haivng a boy."

"A boy, a little boy, boy clothes and boy toys and, oh, Nick, I'll bet he'll be the most precious thing." JC sighed against Nick's throat, letting himself be squeezed, and those were definitely tears. "I'm so happy for you," he said softly. "That's so wonderful. So wonderful."

"He's gonna grow up big and strong and healthy," said Nick, with a distinct sniffle. "and he's gonna be smart and beautiful and there isn't any kid in the whole world who's loved more than my Sam's gonna be loved by me. No matter how hard it is. No matter what anyone else thinks."

"He's going to be loved and strong and healthy and happy," JC promised, soothing him with hands and voice. "Probably spoiled rotten, but he'll be sweet, I know it. Your baby, Nicky. *Yours.* Wow. You have to...oh, I would love to help. Will you let me help? I know you just met me, and I'm a little crazy, but, I would love to, so much."

"You're the first person I've really trusted to want to help me with this, for real," said Nick, sniffling again. "And not just help me take care of the problem. Will you really? Help me with everything so I don't freak out and give up?"

"'Course," JC said firmly, leaning back so that he could wipe away Nick's tears with a careful finger. Huge blue eyes blinked at him, and he blinked back, then smiled. "You won't give up, no matter what. You love that little boy too much already. But I'll help, of course I'll help. Thank you."

"When he's eighteen, I'm only gonna be forty," said Nick with a little, astonished laugh. "I bet it's gonna go by fast. But it's only just starting right now ... he's not even born yet. Do you know how to change a diaper? I'm gonna be changing diapers for ... for*ever*. How long before they're toilet trained? Oh JC ... I don't know *any*thing."

"It's okay. That stuff is easy to learn. I know how to change a diaper, yeah, and it's so not hard at all." He snickered a little at the idea of Nick at forty, then blinked when he realized he'd be...wow, forty four. He felt old. "I think they're potty trained after about a year. I dunno. We can watch Bree for clues, though!"

"Right," said Nick, giving him a happy, if shaky, smile. "Bree's out little test baby. She can go through and do everything first. And oh! Babyproofing my house. That's gonna be ... maybe I should move. I don't have a good baby house at *all*. There are stairs and breakable things *every*where."

"Hey, hey, hey!" JC laughed up at him, bringing his hands up to cup broad cheekbones, and pulling him down for a light kiss. "She's not even gonna be crawling for, like, six months or more. You have time. Lots. And that's what baby gates are for, even when she starts. Don't move, that would just be even more stressful. Plus, I like your house." He dropped his hands and flushed. "Not that that, I mean, if you want to, you should totally. It's yours, you should, you know....if you want to move."

"I don't want to move," agreed Nick, "I picked that place for a lot of reasons. But I wasn't thinking too much about babies when I did. I wasn't sure I would *ever* be thinking about babies when I picked it. Hey ... have you even seen my place?"

"Yeah, once, at the party you had for your birthday, remember, Howie invited us because Joey? You were kind of really really drunk, but I was there, I remember. It's a nice nice house, I like it, you can make it baby safe. Just get those little pluggy things for all your outlets, and block off the stairs, and oh, you'll need to buy a high chair. For feeding. I hope your kitchen doesn't have a carpet."

"No, no carpet," said Nick. "But it's white. Was white. Will probably not be white for much longer. You were at a party at my place? Really? I don't remember that ... was I even there? Sometimes I'm not ... sometimes I sneak away ... "

"You didn't see me, I don't think," JC said softly, stepping away and leading Nick back towards the couch. He was so tired. "You were dancing, and we were watching, but I didn't say hi or anything, and we were only there for a little while because Justin was throwing up in your hydrangea bushes and we wanted to get out before you noticed. Um. I probably wasn't supposed to tell you that."

Nick just laughed, his eyes looking happy even though they were still watery. "So that's why everything was growing so well," he joked. He'd probably never noticed at all. "I don't remember much about that party at *all*, though. Or any of my birthday parties. I tend to go all out."

"That party was definitely all out," JC agreed, sliding down onto the couch and feeling boneless and exhausted, like his mind and body had been up and down so many times they didn't know what to do. "There were people there, all over, just a really lot of people. It was fun, though, and the music was great, and I really like your house a lot." He smiled up at Nick. "You throw good parties. Or, you did, anyway."

"Right," said Nick, suddenly very serious. "No more parties, not like that. Now we have different parties, with Sesame Street and pointy hats with elastics and cake. Will you come to my parties even when they're all about cake and streamers? Will you maybe even help me plan them and throw them and get Joey and Brianna to come?"

"I don't think you'll need me to get Joey and Brianna to come," JC said, laughing a little. "Oh, man, he's gonna be so excited to hear from you. It's been a little lonely for him, I think. But yes, yes, of course. Man, I am great at pin the tail on the donkey! And I know all the Barney songs already. I'll even bring the pointy hats!"

"You're fabulous," laughed Nick, giving him a firm kiss on the mouth, getting more and more casual about that every time he did it, felt like. Which JC didn't mind at all. "I'm keeping you. You have to teach me all the Barney songs."

"I love you, you love me, we're a happy family..." JC sang, and laughed softly, and kissed Nick back. "It's awful, like, the giant purple dinosaur, and the, like, the talking furniture and stuff, but kids, man, they love it. Oh, and Teletubbies. You better get used to them. That show's better, though, it's like...trippy. And stuff. But for kids. But stories, man, that's where it's at."

"Yeah?" said Nick. "And singing, right? Babies love singing, I hope. Cause I do a lot of that. Oh ... JC, you've made this so much better. SO much better."

"Babies *love* singing," JC nodded firmly. "Bree does, anyway, and I think all babies do. She likes it especially when we're doing parts and harmonies, she laughs and blows bubbles and 'talks' to us." He giggled. "Joey brought her to the studio but she kept messing up the mix." He tugged at Nick's hand, wanting him closer. "I'm glad you're better. I'm glad you're happy."

"I'm better for now," said Nick. "There's lots of scary bits to come, yet. I want to enjoy the happy while I can. With you. Cause a lot of the happy is *about* you, you know. And some of the scary, but that's the other scary. The one we haven't really talked about yet. And on .. oh... the paintings were really cool, too!"

"Scary happy me?" JC blinked at him, trying to follow. "Okay. Okay. Oh, man, you looked? You did?" He flushed and looked down, embarrassed. "Thank you. They're just, I do them even though they always come out a little funny, but it makes me all calm and happy inside, so, yes. Painting."

"Of course I looked!" said Nick. "I looked the first time I was in there, I just forgot to say. They're kinda ... they're abstact. What are they? Do you want to tell me about them?"

"They're not supposed to be abstract," JC admitted, smiling a little through his blush. "I just, I was trying for impressionist and I don't think I've got it yet, you know? One's a sailboat, one's this bird I saw, one's the cabin. That would be the blotchy blue one." He shook his head. "I like them, though. I mean, not them, but doing them."

"Sorry," said Nick, with a bit of an embarrassed blush himself. "I don't know the right words for that stuff. I think that's what I meant. Where you don't get all detailed, you just give the idea of what you're painting, right?" He seemed to actually be waiting for JC's approval.

"Yeah, yeah, that's it exactly," JC nodded, smiling. "Hey, cool. Maybe I'm not as far off as I thought. Like, could you tell that was a house, or a boat, at all? Maybe I'll get good enough to paint people someday. Maybe."

"Well, okay, I couldn't tell *what* house, or what boat," admitted Nick, "but i could kinda tell what they were. And that's good, right? I liked them, anyway."

"That's good," JC said, smiling a little and nodding. "That's...better than not being able to tell. So it's good. Thank you." He slumped a little into Nick's side, letting his head rest heavy on Nick's shoulder. "Big night, huh? Babies and stars and things. Wow."

"Huge night," agreed Nick, swaying back and forth a little with him. "Hugely memorable night. I'm not even ... if I tried to think about it all, I bet my head would explode."

"Don't do that," JC mumbled, pushing his face against Nick's bare skin. "No 'sploding. You have to be careful and safe, now, you have a baby to take care of. You can't just go around exploding any more."

"Lots of stuff I can't just go around doing anymore, huh?" said Nick softly, kissing his hair unexpectedly. "We should ... let's sit down again, baby, before we get any further into this."

JC looked up at him from his slump against the couch. "I'm almost sitting down," he pointed out, but slid down the rest of the way, tugging Nick after him. "Get any further into what? Are we getting into something else?"

"Not if you don't want to be," said Nick quickly. "We have a lot of time and ... a lot to deal with. The hard and the happy and the everything. With both of us. We don't have to get into anything right now."

"No, hey, no," JC peeked up at him through the damp tangles of his hair. "What are we getting into? I'm all about getting into. I wanna know. The hard and the happy, you know, we've talked about those. We're good, with those. What...you know I forget, sometimes." He bit his lip.

"No, it's not you forgetting, it's me avoiding," said Nick, tangling their legs together with surprising intimacy. "A couple things, really. Like. Cleaning some stuff out of my bag. And the whole you boy-me boy thing."

JC giggled into Nick's shoulder, and ran a quick finger down Nick's body, stopping only just before he hit curly, dark blond hair. "We've been walking around without any clothes on for *hours* now, I'm definitely, I mean, me boy. You boy. For sure. Us boys together. And your bag...we can dump that whenever you want. Right?"

"Right," said Nick, looking like he wanted to just dismiss *that* whole subject. "And yes, I know, physically, you boy me boy. That's obvious. I get that. And getting naked was the best way to get comfortable with that. But ... in my head? You know? It's still weird there."

"I know, I know. Well, I don't know, but I understand. I mean, you were just so..." JC waved his hand a little helplessly. "You were so, easy. Natural, I mean, not mental at all, you don't seem stressed about it. Are you really, I mean. It's weird? You don't act like it's weird."

"Well, because in tonight's scale of shockingness and weirdness?" said Nick reasonably, "It's kinda lower on the scale. I have a son. Will have a son. In a month. That took over most of my brain tonight. You're the first guy I've ever kissed."

JC blinked at him, startled all over again by that knowledge. He'd been so open and welcoming and, really, hot, in the water, and even after, that JC can't quite wrap his mind around it. "You're gonna have a son, and I'm the first guy you've kissed," he repeated, getting it straight in his head. "Wow. And wow. I hope it was an okay kiss."

"Hours later and I'm still naked with you," Nick pointed out. "I'd say that's a pretty good sign, if you were looking for signs. You make it easy, you aren't all ... expecting anything. And you seem to like me naked all right, which is cool. I'm gonna have a son and you're the first guy I've kissed. Quite a night."

"I don't expect anything from you," JC agreed seriously, nodding. "And I like you naked a lot. You look very good like that, you know. This is a really big night, really big, huh? It's late, but we should...we should celebrate. Somehow, maybe tomorrow, because wow, you've got a Sam, and you're kissing boys and liking it."

Nick laughed at how he put that, it just burst out of him, bubbling and happy. "I knew i would like kissing boys. I'd never done it, but I sure wanted to. Kissing and other things, but kissing first of anything."

"Kissing comes first," JC agreed, laughing because Nick was laughing, happy because he was. "Kissing lots is good. Sometimes I miss kissing, because lots of boys are all, hi hello, nice to meet you, let's go fuck now. Which is okay, sometimes, but sometimes just kissing is so nice. And you knew you wanted to, which is also really nice." He snuggled into Nick, cooling off as the breeze from the window touched his still-damp hair. "I'm glad you're here. It's much nicer, with two."

"Are you gonna be able to relax enough, with me here?" asked Nick, very seriously. "I'm not a very relaxing person, and you're supposed to be getting all this nice calm, while you're here."

"I'm relaxing now," JC pointed out, then paused and considered it. "I'm...having you there tonight helped. It helped to know there was someone there to help, if I needed it. So that was good, really good. And, and, if sometimes I can't talk, you'll know why, and you'll...maybe you'll let me? Just be quiet? And talk to me just a little?" He looked at Nick hopefully.

"I can try," Nick was able to promise him. "I don't know how to do a lot of stuff and fix a lot of stuff, but these days I do always try. I just ... I mess up sometimes. I make mistakes. As long as you can let me make mistakes and not let them ruin everything, then we'll be good. We'll be really good."

"Everyone makes mistakes. I bet I'll make a lot of them too, so, yeah. It'll be okay, I think." JC kissed his shoulder lightly, then straightened up, sighing. "I'm just. My brain is tired. It's not used to people any more. Can we...are you sleepy? I don't know if I'm sleepy, but I want to lie down. Do you want to sleep with me?"

Nick looked nervous, sure, but not reluctant. "Yeah," he said after a moment, his eyes twinkling at JC like they were full of stars. "I think I'd like that a lot, tonight. I like being with you, JC, like I never thought I'd like anything again, especially in the middle of the whole mess I'm in right now."

"But it's not a mess. It's a wonderful baby boy named Sam," JC pointed out, smiling happily. "You've got lots of stuff to like. You liked the calamari, and the swimming, right? And kissing. I like being with you, too. I didn't think I was gonna be able to like being with people that weren't my own, anymore. But I like you."

"Well, there's other messy stuff, too. But hey, it's not as bad as I used to be, so that's a big plus, right?" he said hopefully. "And you're gonna learn to like people again. They're not all scary. And the ones that are, you can just ignore 'em."

"They're all scary to me," JC said softly, hiding his face against Nick again. "I can't ignore them. They're scary." He sighed, and pulled back. "But you...there's other messy stuff? What kind of messy stuff, if Sam's not a mess and you like kissing boys just fine?"

"I just ... need to not get into so much trouble and start being responsible, is all," said Nick. "Cause of Sam. Which is probably a lot easier said than done." He kissed JC's cheek softly. "You'll learn to be good with people again. I'll help."

"Okay. Okay, and I can help you stay out of trouble." JC nodded seriously, touching the kissed place on his cheek with one finger and smiling. "We can work on it together, right? And you won't tell me I'm crazy, or dumb? Because those things are the worst, I think. They're bad."

"Well, we've got to do something with our time here, right?" said Nick gently. "So we might as well help each other out a bit. JC ... I would never call you those things because I don't believe them. At all. You're smart and caring and really observant."

"Yeah?" JC cocked his head at Nick, thinking about it. He decided to believe him, as much as he could. "Thank you," he said softly, taking Nick's hand "That's very nice of you to say. I just...thank you."

"It's not just nice, it's true," said Nick. "Maybe if you knew it was true, you wouldn't have so much trouble with ... what you have trouble with. Not that I really want to remind you so much about that right now since you're doing so great and all. With me being people and me being here and all."

"You're almost not people," JC said, feeling his smile crinkle his eyes almost closed. "You're just Nick, and Nick is nice and not scary even a little and sweet to me. So I don't know if this doing great is part of a bigger doing great or just because you're you." He leaned more comfortably against Nick. "It's okay to remind me. I think about it pretty much all the time anyway."

"Maybe that's part of the problem too," said Nick quietly. "All those people, making you think about it all the time. And then the more you think about it, the more you worry about it, right? Is that how it works for you? I'm ... I'm not sure. I've never had the same problem ... "

"I know," JC agreed shyly, still smiling a little. "I've seen you, with fans and people and things, and you're always kind of happy looking. Um. Yeah, I think that's maybe part of the problem. When I'm, you know. Painting or swimming or doing other things where I'm distracted, I'm mostly okay." He pushed his face into Nick's shoulder. "You're a lovely distraction."

"Well, I'd offer myself up for you to take everywhere," said Nick gently, "but I'll have ... have little Sam to take care of, soon. Plus my job, yeah, but the baby will be more important." He still had that "Baby, wow!" look on his face. "Your time here, I'm sure it'll help. You look better already. Maybe we'll *both* end up having our things figured out for us while we're here."

JC shook his head against Nick, gently, but when he looked back up, he made sure to have a bright smile on his face. "Yeah. You and Sam. Wow, Nick. Are you gonna want to be there when he's born? Like, right there in the room? I think I'd faint. But I've seen Joey's video, it's pretty intense. Are you gonna, do you think?"

It was obvious Nick hadn' t really thought about that part. "I ... I guess I should. I guess I have to. So later on, when he's big enough to ask questions, I'll have been there the whole time, you know? Because his mom won't be there, it'll just be me. And ... and maybe the person I'm with." Which might very well be JC. "It'll be up to me to tell him everything about his life."

"Yeah. That's a big part of being a daddy. And someday you can tell him that he got his name in Hawaii! That'll be cool." He yawned shamelessly, fluttering his hand in front of his mouth, feeling the drag of more conversation than he'd had in a week. "Come lie with me. I want to cuddle you lots, even your skin feels happy right now. And I want to soak up every little bit. And you can think about what color to paint your nursery, and things. Those are important things, you know!"

"Well, he's a boy," said Nick, still sounding a little astonished by that as he let JC tug him toward the bedroom. "So it should be in blue, right? Isn't that what you're supposed to do for boys? Blue with ... trucks, or something."

"I hated trucks," JC offered, remembering with a frown. "And blue's so...well, it's nice, I love it. But really, what about other colors? They're all pretty. Maybe lots of colors, even, because you know, just because he's a boy doesn't mean he'll like blue! He could really like green. Or daffodil. Or, you know, a rainbow. With sparkles." He pushed through a creaky old wooden door, looking at his big, spare bed with love. "This is my bed," he sighed happily. "Bed, meet Nick. Nick, meet bed. I hope you'll like each other as much as I like you both."

Nick couldn't help but grin, then laugh and pull JC into a tight hug, forgetting that JC might be nervous about that. "I'm sure we'll get along great," he said. "And maybe my son will be just like you. I would be okay with that, if he turned out to like rainbows and sparkles and boys. Or if he liked black and racecars and girls, too."

JC jumped and skittered a little, then relaxed into the hug, reminding himself sternly that everything was okay. "Yes. Well, that's something to look forward to too, huh? Finding out all the neat special stuff about your boy. What he likes and doesn't like and wants and things. It's like a choose your own adventure, only he chooses and you get the adventure." He let his palms flatten over Nick's spine gently.

"I really have no idea, do I," said Nick. "What's gonna happen. For ... for the rest of my life, JC. Once he's born, he'll always be there. Always. Forever. That's just ... so huge. I don't know *any*thing about him. And he doesn't know anything about me yet, but ... but I'll always be honest with him. I'm promising him right now, in front of you, that I'll never lie to him about who I am."

"Good." JC nodded firmly. "Though, you know, he might someday go to college and get a job and stuff. He might not be there always. If you're lucky." He tilted back in Nick's arms, grinning up at him. "You have no idea, no. But I don't either, you know. Nobody does. You've got a good start, though, you at least know you're gonna be a dad. That's a big thing. And so very cool. I wonder what he's gonna look like. Is his mom tall, like you?"

Nick frowned a second, like he was trying to remember, then shook his head. "No, she's not," he said finally. "But she's blonde, so my boy's probably gonna be blond, too. If she's even a natural blonde -- I don't know for sure. I hardly even know her at *all*. And I never will. And ... I'm okay with that, mostly, because I don't want a girlfriend or a wife, especially someone I don't have anything in common with. It would be way better for him to be raised by me and someone I love. With all my friends to help, once they get used to the idea."

"You should, you know, make sure you keep in touch with her, though," JC said, watching him closely for his reaction. "Because it's like...someday he might wanna meet her. And for medical reasons too. But yes. He's going to be so happy with you and someone you love and your friends and your family and everything. People who love him. That's the most important thing."

"Right," said Nick, pulling back to smile back at him. "I'll keep track of where she is, even if we never talk. For him. So one day ... if he needs to know ... he can. So at least he has a choice. There's just so much to think about, with a baby. Not just the baby stuff, but ... but everything. I'm scared I'm not gonna get it right."

"You will," JC said softly, sinking down to the bed and resting his forehead on Nick's bare belly, smelling sea-salt on his skin. "You'll get it right. Remember, you can't do it all at once. You should make a list or something. Lance makes lists and he gets everything done, I think they're really helpful, for him. Things you need, people you should tell. And, um. You should maybe get her to sign away her rights now, if you're serious about that, because sometimes things get messy, after. You don't want that."

"I think they're gonna take care of that for me," said Nick slowly. "AJ will make them do it. He's tough like that; he'd think of ways I could get screwed over and then make sure they don't happen. He's, like, a shark or something. He's a good guy to have on your side. I think they don't want me to have to worry about the details while I'm here. They just want me to kinda grasp the big picture. Of where I've gotten myself and what i'm gonna do about that now."

"Not use faulty contraceptives any more?" JC suggested. "I mean, that's kinda what I'm getting from it, anyway. And it's a good thing to remember, because a broken rubber is bad no matter what. But it's good that you have AJ. It's good to have your own shark, to fight other peoples' sharks. Especially when you're a guppy." He sighed, and flopped back onto the bed. "Like me. They're right, you know. You should relax, here, lots of relaxing and sleeping and swimming, and you can check on all the details when you get home."

"I'm not supposed to have fun, remember?" said Nick with a sigh. "It's not just the baby, it's the sleeping around and getting in trouble with the cops and the drugs. It all needs to just stop. Except the baby, you can't stop a baby. But everything else; I think I'm here so I can decide for myself that I need to stop. Before someone makes me. Because there are more important things than that, now."

"You can have fun even if you're not supposed to have bad, getting-in-trouble fun," JC argued, watching him stand by the bed. "No more drugs or cops, no, but you decided that already, right? Because Sam's more important? We were gonna clean out your bag, I remember, and I'm pretty sure I said I'd help you not get arrested or anything, if I could help it, which I'll totally try to do."

"Right, my bag," said Nick softly, like he forgot, or maybe was hoping that JC would forget. "I'm not sure i'm gonna be a really great dad, but I'm gonna try my best. Because my Sam, he deserves the best. And I think I already love him." He looked up and down jc's body for a moment. "Can I lie down with you?"

"Yes." JC squirmed over, opening space for Nick at his side, and pulled a pillow into his arms, resting his chin on the softness. "You'll be a great dad. You'll see. I mean, seriously, if Joey can do it, anyone can, and you're way more together than he was, and Sam's gonna have the best dad ever for him, because he'll be yours. When I said yes, I meant yes, please lie down with me, right away, yes." He smiled up at Nick, happy and hopeful.

Nick grinned at him again and stretched out next to him. "This is so, so much better than I thought Hawaii was going to be," he said. "I was so miserable the first few days. If I hadn't run into you ... my decisions would have been harder to make, I think. It's easier to find ...whatsit. Perspective. When you're not sulking and miserable."

"It's easier to do *anything* when you're not sulking and miserable," JC mused, then blushed a little with pleasure, moving until their bare shoulders were touching. "I'm glad you're not miserable, that I'm not making you miserabler, I'm so glad you're having a good time, now. It's so nice to have someone here, so all my thinking doesn't have to stay inside my head anymore. Hawaii is much more fun, now."

Nick ducked his head a little and smiled. "It's okay, for your thinking to not stay inside your head. I'll never make fun of you, JC. I like what you have to say. The way you see things, makes everything different. Special." He leaned forward and brushed his lips against JC's shoulder. "Thank you."

"Special like the short bus," JC sighed, though he couldn't help but smile and shiver at the feel of Nick's mouth on him. "You're welcome, even though I don't know why, because all I've done so far tonight is babble and let you sleep on my couch and have a panic attack and make you swim naked. That was fun, huh? I really liked that, swimming in the stars." He smiled wider and closed his eyes, lost for a second in the memory of the feeling of water on his bare skin.

"I think it's *because* you don't even know you're doing it," said Nick, kissing his shoulder again. "Everything you say isn't calculated and weighed. You say what you're thinking and feeling and I *like* that. A lot. It's ... surprising, at first, because I don't expect that from people anymore. But I'd miss it if I didn't have it now."

JC's eyes flew open, and he stared at Nick, startled and blushing again. "Oh. Wow. Um, that's just..." his hands took flight, waving his feelings into the air. "I mean, you know, everything's so hard, and bad, and you say it's *nice*, and, but, I need to be able to not, sometimes, too, because people don't, they think I'm..." He shut up and chewed his lower lip, forcing his hands back down to his sides and taking a deep breath. "Thank you," he finally said, softly.

"I think maybe it's only really bad because you're so worried about what people think of it now," said Nick softly, so gentle now that they were lying in bed together. He *would* make a good dad. "And when you worry about it too much, you start getting flustered and scared. But you don't have to do that, because the way you usually are is just fine."

JC hid his face in Nick's shoulder, wrapping his hand around Nick's wrist and hanging on, breathing in the comfort of another person nearby, who was being nice to him. "It's been worse just recently, I know it has, but it'll be okay. I'll be okay, I'm just, no more flustered and scared, maybe I'll write a script or something, that might work. I can't help worrying, it's like my brain just goes places without me saying it's okay."

"It's just the flustered and scared around people that needs to be fixed," said Nick, reaching out and touching JC's back tentatively. "Not anything else. The other stuff about you, it's right. It's you. You don't have to be like everyone else. That's what I learned, about me ... I don't have to be like everyone else. Even if other people think I should. It's a good thing to learn, JC."

JC snorted lightly, wiggling a little closer. "I might maybe want to be a little less different, maybe. Just enough so people don't think I'm really stupid, or, like, stoned all the time, you know, so I can say something just *straight* and not mess it up. I don't wanna be just like everyone else, that wouldn't be fun or interesting at all, but sometimes..." He sighed. "You're very sweet, you know. You say very nice things."

"Just be yourself is all," said Nick with a little shrug. "Don't try to be someone you're not. I mean, I know ... we all have to be someone else, a little bit, sometimes, but mostly just be you. Be the JC I got to meet today. *I* liked him after all. And I bet a lot of other people do, too. You don't have to worry about it. Some people ...they'll always think something bad about you, no matter what you do. They aren't the important people."

"The JC you met today was very calm and relaxed and coherent, really, in comparison," JC said solemnly. "I mean, yeah. I was comfortable. It's...it's been much worse, really bad, like, not at all good, sometimes." He shook his head, hoping that would make all the sad thoughts go away. "But, but enough about me and my messed-up head, you know? I mean, Nick, baby! Not that I'm calling you baby, I mean you're gonna have a baby, and wow. Daddy Nick. Hey, if you want, you can be in the PTA!" He grinned up at Nick, tilting his head back.

Nick looked speechless for a moment, then smiled crookedly. "That's kinda getting ahead of things, don't you think?" he said. "He's not even born yet. I still have to worry about diapers and toilet training and the terrible twos and teaching him to talk and walk and love music and art and sports. And then *school* ... that's years away now.I don't know *anything*. I don't know how to do this yet, JC."

"You can learn it as you go," JC said, hoping he was being helpful. "I mean, there's the instinct, right? We've all got it, I think, I mean, like, Joey. Not that I always talk about Joey or anything, except when I do, but he's the only person I know with a baby, so, yes. But he didn't know either, he hadn't ever even changed a diaper before! You're ahead of the game, honestly and truly."

"I'm still scared," said Nick. "You're not gonna tell anybody, are you? That I'm this scared about it? I mean ... they might try to make me change my mind. Which I won't, not now, but I don't want them to even try. I don't want anyone to ever say anymore that I shouldn't have my son."

"No one will," JC said, feeling fierce. "He's yours, and he's gonna stay yours, and that's forever. And I won't tell anyone, ever, but it's okay to be scared, you know. It's a big thing! It's good to be scared, it means you're taking it seriously!" He pressed his mouth to the warm skin over Nick's collarbone. "He's yours forever."

"Forever," agreed Nick. "I love him so much already and I've never even met him. I can't even tell you what it feels like ... to know that I'm gonna have a son soon, and forever, and he's a part of me." He sighed and kissed JC's hair. "I know I can't do everything right, because no one's perfect, but I want to. So much."

"You can't be perfect, if you try it'll make you nuts," JC offered, lips still moving against Nick's skin. It was just so comfortable, lying with him like that. "Just try to be as good as you can be. You'll be amazing, I can tell already. You're so good with things, so grown up. And you love him lots, and that's what really matters."

"I'm not grown up!" said Nick, suddenly and sharply. "That's the whole problem, that's why I'm here. Right? Because I'm not a grown up yet and I have to be, really quick, because a kid can't have a kid. It just doesn't work. No matter when it happens, when you have to take care of someone, you need to grow up a little to do a good job."

JC flinched back a little, startled at the tone. "No, I mean...just, you are, you were, you dealt with me being *me* and you never, you didn't, you're a grownup already, you could have made fun of me and said mean things and made me want to curl up and *die* and you didn't. Even though you were having a very bad day. You're pretty grown up when you can do that, you know. You're, you're a good person, you ARE."

"But I wasn't doing that because I'm a grown up," said Nick, his look changing to mild confusion. "I was doing it because it was just the way it is. Why would I be mean? Why would I make fun of you? I *like* you, JC. How you are. That doesn't mean i'm a grown up or anything."

"It's a very grown up thing to do," JC insisted, feeling stubborn. "You were nice to me before you knew if you liked me or not, even when I was being very odd. People make fun of people for all kinds of reasons, and they're mean a lot for no reason at all, especially if they're having a bad day, and you weren't, which means you won't take bad things out on other people, which is a good parent thing. And a grown up thing."

"Oh," said Nick softly, and JC thought that maybe he'd made sense that time. That Nick had gotten it. Because JC knew he was right about that; he knew all about people making fun of him. "I didn't ... that's just how I am. I mean, I'm a real jerk and an asshole sometimes, but I'm not mean just to be mean. You know? Not even when I'm having a really shitty day."

"And *that*," JC said triumphantly, realizing that he was actually going to make his point, "means that you're not a jerk *or* an asshole, at all, because the thing that makes people jerks and assholes is making other people sad because...for no reason, or because it makes *them* feel good somehow. And you don't do that. Which is awful good." He finally gave in and leaned up on one elbow, kissing Nick's mouth as softly as he could. "You're going to be a great daddy."