"I think *you're* beautiful," said Nick, reaching out to touch Joey's body instead. "And I'm not just saying that for something to say ... there's something about you, Joey. It's not just ... it's not *just* anything. I don't think it ever could be."

Joey smiled happily at his touch, leaning into it encouragingly even as he kept up his own soft petting. "Well, it's awful good that you think so, since you're my boyfriend and all." He traced down the crease of Nick's thigh with his fingertips, and stroked high on the inside of his leg with gentle fingers.

"That's really nice," whispered Nick, letting his eyes flutter closed again for a moment. "Do you like that part of my body, too? I like your legs. They're really powerful, and really ... I like how you curl them around me and tangle them up with mine."

"Yes, I like that part of your body too," Joey said quietly. "I love your legs. Long and strong and good. I like that I *can* tangle all up with you. You're me-sized." Joey's touch felt so good that Nick almost felt drugged, and he stretched out a little more, fanning his knee wide to give Joey more access. "Oh, very nice," Joey breathed, smiling. "Even when you're sore and not feeling good, look at how flexible you are."

"You ain't seen flexible yet," Nick teased with the barest hint of a smile. "You just wait, until my body doesn't creak when it moves. Then you'll see what I can really do. Can I see more of you, now? No one's coming home for a while, I think ... "

"We've got the place to ourselves," Joey agreed, smiling back at him, "and you can see as much of me as you want." He made short work of his shirt, stripping out of it and the plain white t-shirt underneath, then relaxed back down to his side. He moved the hand that was resting on Nick's inner thigh, curling a finger under the waistband of Nick's pyjama pants, before pausing and looking up at Nick questioningly. "Okay?"

Nick hesitated before nodding. As long as it was just them, anything was okay. There wasn't anything that Joey hadn't seen, or touched, before. That didn't mean Nick wanted to spend a whole lot of time looking at himself, but Joey, Joey could. "Love you," he murmured, as much a reminder to himself as an endearment to Joey.

"Love you too," Joey replied softly, gently tugging the thin pants over Nick's hips and thighs and off over his feet, until Nick was bare. He smiled at Nick and started the stroking again, feather-light touches high on Nick's inner thigh, not even moving towards Nick's open shirt yet. "So soft. The skin right here...it's soft like baby skin. Feel." He nudged Nick's hand invitingly.

"Joey ... " whispered Nick in weak protest, but he moved his hand to where Joey indicated anyway. It couldn't be so bad. And if it was, he could pull away again, he could always stop. Joey would let him stop. "It is soft," he had to admit after a moment.

"Yeah." Joey grinned at him a little. "Sexy-soft. So pretty, and when you touch yourself...wow. Very hot." He leaned in and kissed Nick gently, softly, completely undemandingly. "You're gorgeous and I love you, you know. And I like this place." He let his own hand pause a moment before taking up the petting again. "This soft little place. Is it okay if I kiss it, just a little?"

"I don't ... " began Nick uncertainly, beginning to close his legs a little. Then he forced himself to stop. "Well yeah ... I mean, yeah. Of course. You can kiss ... wherever. Yes."

Joey kept smiling at him, and didn't move at all, except the hand, still stroking lightly back and forth. Nick blinked at him, but found himself relaxing again despite himself. It felt very nice, after all, and it was quiet and dim in the room, and the nest of blankets he was in was soft.

When Joey moved again it was slow and easy. He just leaned in over Nick, kissing his throat and shoulder and collarbone, then sliding down, nose bumping Nick's sternum, mouth open. "Mmm," his voice was low. "Taste nice, too." He was comfortably between Nick's legs when he stopped again, just resting his face on Nick's belly, breath warm on his skin. Nick hadn't even realized he'd tensed again, until Joey started stroking him, exactly in the same place as before.

"Sorry," he murmured, moving his hand back to his side and clenching it involuntarily. "Love you." It felt good just to say the words, even to just know that he had someone to say them to, even if it didn't go a long way to relax him. It was going to take a lot more than good feelings to do that.

"Don't be sorry," Joey said softly, the words moving his mouth against Nick's skin. "It's been a while, huh? It's okay. I love you, I love looking at you and touching you. Don't forget that." He moved his head back a little, nuzzling the crease where Nick's leg met his body, and Nick jumped, startled, at the first hot, soft touch of his tongue. Joey kept licking him, though, in that one spot, over and over with a pleased little hum, until Nick found all his attention focused there.

"You're so ... so ... sometimes I can't believe you want to spend this time on me," said Nick, spreading his legs again, just a little more. "Do you like that, what you're doing?"

"I like this a lot," Joey said, pausing just long enough to speak, and smile. "Do you like it? Does it feel good?" He went back to his spot, rewarding Nick for spreading his legs by lapping a little lower, down into the crease of his body.

"It's ... nice," Nick had to admit, thinking about it, focusing on the sensation. "It's a little weird, but nice. No one's ever ... I don't think anyone's *ever* treated me the way you treat me. Like this."

"Like a lollipop?" Joey's nose bumped him when he chuckled. "I plan to lick you all over, every inch, at some point. If you don't like being licked, speak now or forever hold your peace." He pushed at Nick's knee with his shoulder, spreading him even wider, and Nick, distracted by Joey's tongue, moved easily.

"You know what I mean," he said a moment later, after a moment of actually *watching* him. "The way you treat me .. I still can't believe I deserve it, deserve someone to be this good to me. Make me feel this good."

"Well, I'm glad the good is more than the wierd," Joey admitted, raising his head for just a moment to smile at Nick. "You deserve all good things, baby." He ducked down again, and Nick felt the warm wet press of his pointed tongue against his perineum.

He stiffened again, even though he tried not to -- really, consciously tried. "Sorry," he mumbled, closing his eyes. He may have stiffened, but he wasn't going to pull away. Not if he could help it. It wasn't even as though he didn't like to be touched like that, but ever since ... ever since getting sober, nothing was the same anymore. Everything was intense in a new way, and he was far, far more conscious of his body.

"Easy, easy." Joey didn't move, though his hands did come up and settle on Nick's thighs, a comforting weight. "Still feeling okay? Don't be sorry, remember? This is still new for us, give yourself a little time. Just tell me if I do something you really don't like. Okay?" The buzz of his words on Nick's skin was almost maddening, but when he stopped talking he started licking again, and Nick's leg moved restlessly against the blanket.

It was so strange to have someone not just be that intimate with him, but to do it without any intention of it turning into sex. Doing it just because they wanted to, because his felt good. He lifted his hand again and settled it in Joey's hair.

"Still doing okay," Nick confirmed. He wasn't even feeling the various aches of his body as acutely anymore. And his stomach ... he felt full, but it wasn't acting up. He sighed in relief, realizing that.

"I realized," Joey said, voice a little muffled, "that we were concentrating on your dick a lot, and neglecting the other lovely happy-making parts. And you're not feeling great, so anything that feels good is good, right?" His tongue teased gently at Nick's hole, startling him into another jump. "Yes, before you ask, I *love* doing this."

Nick laughed awkwardly, not at all sure laughing was the right reaction but that was what his body wanted to do. "I think I just fell in love with you again," he breathed. He wouldn't have thought he would like this as much as he seemed to be, especially not feeling like he was.

"Mmm," Joey hummed, and Nick could feel the way his cheeks moved when he smiled. "Nice." He licked just a little deeper, Nick felt the push of his tongue, then went back to the light touches, hands still holding Nick's thighs spread wide. "Still okay? Feeling good? You feel good."

"Feeling good," said Nick, after thinking about it for another moment. He always had to think now, whenever anyone asked him how he felt -- he hardly even remembered what it was like just to know. "You sure you, um, like that? Doing that?"

Joey answered him by licking in again, swirling his tongue a little and hitting nerve endings Nick hadn't really even known he had. He looked comfortable, settled on his belly half naked, feet in the air and crossed at the ankles, and all Nick could see was the top of his head, startlingly dark past his own pale belly. "Absolutely sure," he finally murmured, taking his tongue away and blowing air across the wet places he'd made. "Want me to keep doing that?"

"God yes," breathed Nick, stroking his fingers restlessly through Joey's hair. "That feels ... just amazing. I never knew ... I *told* you I had so much to learn, about this. I had no idea you could do this to me. Especially ... I mean, right now. When nothing else feels good."

"Oh, amazing is good." Joey nodded, and Nick shivered at the feeling. Then he got back to work, licking gently, then harder, then harder still, pushing out with one of his hands so that Nick felt his hips shift as his legs spread wide. Nick couldn't believe the feeling, a tongue inside him, slick and hot and moving, and he tugged at Joey's hair without meaning to. Joey pulled out slowly, letting Nick feel every centimeter, and popped his head up. "You mean, you've never done this before?"

Nick stared at him, wide-eyed, and just shook his head, not sure what to say about it. "I ... I had a guy give me a couple of licks before," he admitted awardly a moment later. "But this? Um ... no. You're the first ... and it's so good, Joey. I know maybe you can't tell, but I like it *so* much."

"Oh, good." Joey beamed at him. "That's excellent, because man, I love it. Oral sex, all the way. You'd think I was a smoker." He bent and kissed Nick's still-unexcited cock, then peered at it. "Okay, you'd better wake up someday soon, because I really want to suck you. I haven't had the chance yet, and I think it'll be very nice, so, just so you know." He grinned back up at Nick, then buried his face between Nick's legs again.

"You can, if you want," said Nick, letting his legs fall wide open this time without any prompting. "I can't ... I mean, I don't think he'll do much. But I wouldn't stop -- oh, do that some more." As soon as Joey's tongue was in him again, he stopped talking.

Joey's low chuckle sent shivers up his spine, and even though his tongue was busy, Nick could tell from the pressure of his hands and the little sounds in his throat that he was pleased. Now that Nick was relaxed, Joey barely had to push at all, and he was licking deeper every time, it felt like. Nick actually felt himself pushing down and back with his hips, and Joey chuckled again.

"Oh ... yeah," breathed Nick, clutching at Joey's hair again for a moment before realizing what he was doing. He was so turned on, on the inside, in his brain, his heart pounding. And it wasn't even so much that it was sexual as it was intimate. And strangely comfortable.

Joey hummed into his body, it felt like, and Nick *squirmed* down on his tongue, gasping. Another chuckle, a deep thrust of his tongue, and Joey pulled away, smiling, lips reddened. As he moved back up Nick's body, he sucked a finger into his mouth, and then slipped it into Nick, not moving or pushing, just letting it rest there in the relaxed place where his tongue had been. He eased back down to his side, stroked Nick's hair back out of his face with his free hand. "Good? Still feeling good? God, you look so good right now. You're all sparkling."

Nick smiled at him, surprised but happy, squirming down a little again and adjusting. "Sneaky bastard," he whispered. "All going and making me feel good. Is that ... are you still enjoying yourself?"

"I am *definitely* enjoying myself, as you'll see if you move your right hand a couple of inches," Joey grinned back. "You feel pretty fucking amazing, you know. And taste good. And making you shiver, well. That's a huge bonus." He made no move to kiss Nick, but he nuzzled his ear. "I'm terribly sneaky," he agreed, nipping at Nick's earlobe, and when he was back from being distracted he was pretty sure that finger had moved.

"Terribly sneaky," Nick echoed him, biting his lip and taking inventory of his body again, figuring out which sensations came from where and what was making him feel good. And for the first time in a long time, the good outnumbered the bad. He might even *want* something to eat, pretty soon.

"How you feeling, baby?" It was eerie how Joey was starting to read his thoughts, or maybe it was just that he wasn't hiding his face any more. "You look better, you know, already. And you're so much more relaxed, it's awesome. Like, for a while there it looked like breathing hurt, but not any more."

"I'm good," said Nick honestly, still surprised by that. "I'm pretty sure this isn't what the doctor had in mind when he put me on bed rest, but it works for me ... "

Joey grinned at him suggestively. "Well, you're in bed. You're resting, sort of. Ergo, bed rest." He twisted his finger, rubbing in and out of Nick, pushing in further and curling the tip until it raked directly across Nick's prostate, all without breaking eye contact.

Nick gasped, surprised at how strongly he felt that, and how easily he was letting Joey do it. "Wow, Joey," was all he could think to say, even though he wished he had more. When his body couldn't speak for him, he had to somehow find the words. "This is better than amazing."

"It is," Joey agreed, sounding a little breathless himself for the first time. "God, you feel...Nick, inside, you're just...Jesus." He didn't move much, just rocked his hand back and forth between Nick's legs, rubbing Nick's prostate on every stroke, but so gently. "It's amazing, seeing you like this. All spread out for me. So gorgeous."

"Joey," said Nick, leaning up and hoping to be kissed, not prepared for how the new angle would affect him. He gasped and was speechless for a moment. "Oh, Joey," he said finally. "You ... do you want to make love to me? I mean ... would you like to? Right now?'

Joey made a low, painful sound and closed his eyes for a moment, hand still moving. "Oh god. Would I like to? Fuck yes. Yes yes yes. But you...baby. You're still not feeling good, right? I don't want to push you too hard. Don't...do *you* want to? Right now?" He opened his eyes and looked at Nick searchingly.

"I would ... it would ... yes," said Nick finally. "I want to. It would feel good for both of us, and ... and I'm feeling really close to you right now. I want to. Just be careful with me."

"Okay. If you want to. And you say stop, if it's too much, okay?" Joey kissed his throat, his chin, his cheeks. "I'll always be careful with you. Always." When he pulled his hand away, there was an empty ache in Nick that he didn't like at all. "I'm going to go get stuff. Okay? I'll be right back."

"I love you," murmured Nick as Joey left, anxious for him to get back again. Once he'd made up his mind to do this, he wanted to do it. The longer Joey was gone, the more chance he'd have to change his mind about that, to start on that famiiliar pattern of self-doubt again.

Joey was back quickly, his duffel bag in hand, smiling at him. "I brought them down when you were with the doctor," he explained, finding the lube and sliding out of his pants. He was very hard, and Nick blinked a little, wondering how he'd stayed so calm, before. "Okay. Let's get comfy again." He rolled Nick to his side with gentle hands, then slid onto the couch with him. "Easier if you're facing away, but maybe...maybe it's better this way, right now?" He kissed the tip of Nick's nose, and smiled at him.

"I think definitely better this way right now," agreed Nick, only the tiniest bit nervous about this. It was a lot different than sex had ever been for him before, but he wanted it all the same. Wanted to feel that closeness with Joey right now. And wanted to do something *for* Joey.

"Okay." Joey kept looking into his eyes as he slid a gentle hand down Nick's back to his hip, then his thigh, lifting his leg and bringing it up over *Joey's* hip. Nick squirmed a little, feeling exposed and open, and Joey petted him quiet. "Really nice and slow," Joey said quietly, still smiling, as he slipped that same finger in like it belonged there. "You're so tight, Nick. We'll go nice and slow." "Haven't done this in forever," said Nick, leaning in to kiss him. "Doesn't matter. Want to anyway. You don't mind, that I'm not ... ?" He gestured at himself vaguely.

"I did, before," Joey admitted. "A little. But then I saw, when you were feeling so good, I could tell anyway. You were all twisting and panting and looking like you were enjoying it, so...I guess, I figured you really were." He reached for more lube, and before Nick could blink there were two fingers in him, big and blunt but very gentle.

He closed his eyes for a moment and just focused on feeling it, for right then, feeling Joey inside him. "It does feel good," he said finally. "It feels different good, but still good. I like it a lot, Joey."

"Well, good." Nick could hear the smile in Joey's voice, even as his back arched slowly, reacting to Joey pushing deeper into him. "We like the good feelings, even if they're different good." Even through the smile, Joey's voice was husky, and Nick could feel him hard and heavy against his belly. He hit Nick's prostate again, and when Nick bucked gently and gasped, he hummed a little. "There we go." His voice was laced with satisfaction.

"You know just how to touch me," said Nick softly, hitching his leg up even higher. "Even when we're not ... doing *this*, you just know the right ways to touch me, so that I'll start feeling good. That's a great talent, an amazing talent, I'm so lucky ... "

"I'm lucky that touching you the way I like to makes you feel good," Joey said, kissing his mouth that opened helplessly when Joey pushed in a third finger, still so gentle, but insistent. "Because that means I get to do it a lot, and man, I am a lucky boy." He stroked Nick's chest and belly with his free hand, and Nick was momentarily distracted from the strange too-full feeling, the pressure that was making him want to whine low in his throat and jerk his hips. "Do you like this? Are you still feeling good?"

Nick mumbled something he hoped sounded as affirmative as he meant it too. What he was feeling *was* sexual, just in a whole different way, where he was reacting way more on the inside than on the outside. It felt more distant but at the same time so much more intimate. "I'm doing good so far," Nick assured him finally, doing a quick check of all systems. "I can ... take more. Of you. Now."

"More of me, now," Joey said, sounding a little strained, and his eyes were wide when Nick looked. "Another finger, baby? You want another finger, or something else? Whatever you want, everything you're doing is fucking amazing. Beautiful boy."

"Something else," said Nick, biting down on his lip for a moment again at the temptation of another finger. He had before, and he knew it would feel really good right now that he was stretched out, once he got used to it, but he wanted Joey more. And he thought that Joey probably wanted that more, too. "Make love to me now? Maybe?"

"Okay." Joey breathed carefully, it looked like, and slowly pulled his fingers out, almost all the way. "Can you...lube? For me? Touch me, please." He pulled out the rest of the way, then lifted Nick's thigh with his hand, settling between his legs. The head of his cock bumped against Nick's entrance, and he hissed a little at the heat of it against tender skin, even as Joey moaned, his eyes falling almost shut. "Lube, Nick, nownow, please..."

"Wait, where did you ... ?" Nick struggled to find what the hell Joey had done with the lube, since Joey was completely gone now and no help at all. He was so, so clumsy getting it open, and spilled out too much, but he didn't care, it didn't matter, as long as he managed to get it on the right bits of Joey, which he eventually did.

Joey shivered and sighed when Nick got him slick, muscles bunched hard under his skin with control. Nick watched his eyes, fascinated, as they flew open when he pushed his hips forward and Nick felt him start to come in. His pupils went huge in a heartbeat, and he stared straight back at Nick, chewing his lip and shaking, sliding in inch by inch. "Ohgod," he finally gasped. "Tight, oh, tight, Nick. Nick."

Nick had to kiss him, *had* too, searching for ways to really express to Joey how good this was for him, how much he wanted it, how much he wanted it to be good for Joey. "Love you," he said again, in case he was having trouble showing it. "Oh, Joey. God."

"God," Joey echoed weakly, finally moving that final inch that had him in to the hilt. He froze, still shaking a little, and blinked at Nick. "Okay. You have to talk to me now, baby, because your body isn't giving me the cues. Tell me what you want." He still didn't move, and he was holding Nick's hip now, holding him still too. "Tell me what's good for you. How can I make it good."

"Just wait one second," said Nick, taking slow breaths in and out. "Just wait inside me for one second, I want to feel it for longer." He closed his eyes again and just enjoyed it for that moment. "Any way you touch me, there, it's all feeling good. All of it, Joey. So you just ... you do what feels good, for you. And if there's anything bad for me, I'll let you know."

Joey sighed and slowly untensed, Nick could almost feel it, muscle by muscle, until he was pressed against Nick all soft and languid and not moving. "Just like this," he breathed, skimming his fingers up Nick's hip and onto his back, petting gently. "Like this is good. Just...sit still with me for a little while." Joey was still so hard that Nick could feel his pulse, inside him, but he wasn't moving. "I love you," Joey finally said, serious and quiet.

Nick gave him a soft, lingering kiss, then smiled at him and tried to show him everything he was feeling, with just that. All the love and gratitude and desire that was inside him. "I can be still as long as you want me to," he whispered finally. "You feel wonderful, inside me and around me. I feel safe. And loved, Joey. And loved."

"Well, that's because you *are* loved," Joey smiled, kissing him back, and rocking his hips just the tiniest bit before going still again, little shivers of pleasure moving his skin where Nick was holding him. "And you feel so good. I could stay like this forever. I don't even want to come, this feels so amazing. God, Nick."

"I'm pretty sure you want to come," said Nick, leaning in to give him another little kiss. "Maybe not right away, though. And don't worry ... I mean, I'm comfortable, like this. It's not putting any kind of stress on my body that it can't take. So, if you were worried? You don't need to be. I want this -- want you to be making love to me."

Every time Nick shifted or moved at all, Joey made a low sound in his throat. He was holding himself very still now, though, eyes half shut and mouth a little open. "I haven't...usually it's in and then we're banging away, this is different." His voice was high and breathy. "I am, I am making love to you. I'm not worried, you look wonderful. You *feel* wonderful." His fingers traced random, restless patterns on Nick's back, and he tilted his hips just an inch, bumping him against Nick's prostate again and holding there.

Nick hissed as unexpected pleasure shot through him, looking at Joey with wide eyes again. "Oh, like that," he said breathily. "Wow, I can't imagine what that's gonna feel like when all systems are go. I'm pretty sure you'd gonna be able to make me come, just form this. Just *like* this." He ran his hand down to Joey's shoulder and rested it there, rubbing Joey's skin with his thumb.

"Pretty, pretty," Joey mumbled, watching him. "Not all the time, like this. Sometimes I like it fast, too, and hard, but right now...no. Just like this. Perfect." He shifted again, a little more strongly this time, but still not moving more than half an inch. His hand grabbed at Nick's hip, snugging him more closely to his body, staring into Nick's eyes and smiling.

"So it's good for you, too?" confirmed Nick, letting his hand side down over Joey's arm. "You like this?" He hitched his leg even higher overtop of Joey's, ignoring the minor complaints of his muscles. "I want you to like this, too." As Joey moved again, Nick felt a shiver go right up through his body, and it really hit him what they were doing.

"I like this," Joey said firmly. "I'm the one holding on by my fingernails here, Nick, do you really need to ask?" He grinned, and rocked once more against Nick, changing the angle every time but always hitting something that felt so good. "You, oh man, you make me crazy for you. So...Nick, this is just incredible."

"Makes me kinda glad we got some time to ourselves," admitted Nick, probably even more surprised than Joey that he'd said it. Talking at all like this during sex wasn't something he'd ever done before, ever felt comfortable doing, but with Joey, and in this situation, it just felt right to be doing it.

"Yeah," Joey agreed, then bit his lip. "Nick, I have to...I'm gonna..." He pulled out suddenly, then smoothly slid straight back in and came, burying his face in Nick's shoulder and whimpering, jerking as it tore through him. Nick, hypersensitive, could feel it, one, two, three, four long pulses, and then Joey went limp. "Dear God," he whispered into Nick's skin.

Nick wriggled his arms around Joey's back and held him, stroking him gently and kissing the top of his head. "Oh, Joey," he whispered happily, so, so glad he could feel it. That he could still be a part of it that way. "God, Joey, that was beautiful."

"Mmmm," Joey hummed, agreeing, not lifting his head, still shivering a little and curling closer into Nick's arms. "Love you lots, baby. Thank you. Thank you." His hand stroked Nick's thigh, up and down. "How do you feel? How are you feeling? Still good, still okay?"

"Still good, still okay," Nick assured him, continually surprised at that. He wondered how long it was gonna last. "Still loving you lots, too. That was ... oh, Joey. That was really wonderful. I should be thanking *you*."

"I don't know about that," Joey chuckled a little, kissing his shoulder gently, then finally raising his head. "It was really wonderful, and I'm so glad you're feeling good. Did it...was it nice for you, too? Did you like it, even without...it wasn't too much?"

"It was wonderful," said Nick, taking the opportunity to kiss his lips. "It was unexpected and precious and wonderful and I wouldn't trade it for anything. We can maybe even do it again sometime ... I didn't mind that I wasn't ... that I couldn't ... it just didn't matter so much. I loved it anyway."

Joey smiled, looking so happy he almost glowed. "Well, you can tell I loved it." He stretched luxuriously, pulling free from Nick's body with a little pop. He moved his hand back down between Nick's legs and rubbed gently at the stretched skin, soothing it, not letting Nick drop his leg. "You are just...you made it wonderful. It was wonderful." He laughed a little. "Articulate, much? You broke my brain."

"We're gonna stain the couch," said Nick with a little smile. "Or the blankets. Or something. Cause I'm pretty sure we made a mess back there." Joey didn't seem at all worried, though, so Nick wasn't either. Hadn't really been in the first place. "I didn't even do anything, how can I break your brain?"

"We'll get new blankets," Joey said lazily, smiling back at him and not moving. "And we can go clean up in a minute. The bathroom's right across the hall." He kissed Nick lightly again, licking his tongue and teeth and basically moving right in. "You were amazing and perfect, and beautiful, and you wonder how you break my brain?"

"Well, I wonder what I'm gonna do to you when I'm active again, then?" said Nick softly, licking his lips. They were still so dry, but not enough that they were constantly bothering him anymore. "I need to move a little, though, okay? I ... um ... a little sore now. Just a little though, don't worry any ... "

"Okay." Joey slipped his hand under Nick's raised thigh and lifted it down for him, settling his legs back together with one last stroke of his skin. "When you're active again...god. I can't stop touching you now, I don't know what I'm gonna do." He rubbed at Nick's hip, honestly seeming unable to take his hands away. "How about a bath? And some more water. That should help, huh?"

"Am I allowed?" asked Nick, then had to laugh. "Well, I'm sure I'm allowed as much as I'm allowed to have sex right now. And that turned out really well. I was even thinking ... maybe, you know, I could have some more noodles? Just a little?"

Joey's grin almost split his face in half, and he nodded happily. "You can have as many noodles as you want. And you're allowed, because I'm gonna carry you there and carry you back, so technically you're still resting. Bath first, though, or you're gonna get all sticky and more sore. And *I'll* get even sticker. Man, sex is messy. Boysex is the messiest."

"Boysex is always messy," agreed Nick, stroking his hand down Joey's body again. "Imagine the mess if I'd come, too. So you really gonna carry me to the bathtub? Naked? Do you have a big bathtub down here, too, that we can share?"

"I'm really gonna carry you to the bathroom naked," Joey confirmed, arching lazily into his hand like some kind of giant contented cat. "I think...I think we'll both fit in the bathtub, even though it's not quite as big as ours upstairs. If not, I'll just watch you lounge. And wash your hair for you. And jump up and down a little because you're hungry again!"

"I'm a *little* hungry," Nick corrected him, worried about letting Joey get excited over nothing again. "You know, with the exertion and with the feeling good about things right now. A little hungry." He ran his hand lower, down to Joey's groin. "And you need to get into the bath, too. Maybe after me, if you don't fit."

"Oh, I'll clean up," Joey assured him, grinning. "I don't like sticky much either. And little hungry is so, so much better than no hungry. We won't push it, but it's still, such a great thing. So much better than just a couple of hours ago." He kissed Nick again, then rolled back and to his feet, stretching again. "C'mon, baby." He leaned down and scooped Nick into his arms with no warning. "Your bath awaits."

Nick struggled instinctively for a moment, then settled into Joey's arms. "No one better come home while we're naked," he murmured, wrapping his arms around Joey's neck. "I would die of embarrassment. I would."

"They're long gone, kiddo," Joey chuckled, kissing his hair. "I wouldn't haul you around in the buff if there was any chance we'd get seen. There are some things that I'd like to keep for private Joey-viewings only." He still checked the hallway before he stepped into it, though, and it was only two steps to the bathroom, where he settled Nick gently on the broad counter by the sink. "There. Don't move." He started the water.

"Where would I even go?" asked Nick, looking down. He looked over his shoulder at the mirror, then quickly looked away again. And then even took off his glasses and set them beside him for good measure. He was feeling okay; there was no sense in ruining that by having to look at himself.

"I just don't want you falling off the counter," Joey grinned at him over his shoulder, testing the water and then standing back to regard the tub thoughtfully. "I think we can both fit. What do you think? I'd definitely rather be in there with you." He slid Nick into his arms again, then stepped over to the tub, and stood him carefully on his feet, not letting go. "You get in first, okay?"

"I'm a skinny little thing right now," said Nick quietly. "I'm sure you can squeeze in there with me. And I'm pretty sure I can step into the tub myself, Joey. I know I'm supposed to be resting, but I'm perfectly capable of walking." Of course, right on cue, as soon as Joey let go of him the least bit, Nick's legs wobbled.

"Uh-huh," Joey said softly, catching him close again. "You've been flat on your back for hours, and remember, you're still getting better. Let me help you, okay?" He lifted Nick into the tub without giving him time to protest, stepping in right after him, hands solid on his waist. "Here you go, skinny little thing. Sit that pretty ass down, so we don't violate doctor's orders, here." Nick could hear his smile.

Nick slid down carefully; the water was nice and warm and soothing, and he hadn't realized quite how sore he'd gotten until the muscles started to relax again. Of course, his whole day had just been a rollercoaster of stress and reassurance.

"I think the wobbliness is more that we were just ... making love, actually," Nick admitted, closing his eyes and hoping Joey had enough room to get in, too.

"Yeah, that was maybe a little too much, too soon, huh?" Joey sighed, folding his body around Nick before reaching past him to turn off the water. The silence after was startling. "Sorry about that, baby." He ran firm hands down the fronts of Nick's thighs, rubbing the big muscles there.

"No," said Nick firmly. "No, Joey, no. It was exactly what we both wanted." He leaned back and let Joey touch him like that; it was easier when he wasn't looking. "And it was wonderful and memorable. And I still wouldn't trade it for anything. Okay?"

"Okay, okay," Joey said, still rubbing the soreness out, kissing Nick's shoulderblade. "It *was* wonderful, and I'm so glad we did it. Even though you're sore now. I guess that's probably inevitable whenever, though, since it was a while for you, huh?" He reached for a washcloth, and soaped it, running it over Nick's shoulders and belly and down between his legs.

"Yeah, it wasn't a Nick being sick thing," he agreed with a gentle sigh as Joey stroked him. "It was just a thing. You filled me up really well. Even perfectly healthy I'd be a little wobbly right now. And hey ... it did make me a little hungry."

"Joey Fatone's Miracle Sex Cure," Joey chuckled, scooping water over him to rinse. "Guaranteed to increase appetite and, and bath taking. This is your second today, you know." He nuzzled into the hair on the back of Nick's neck, kissing him lightly there. "Remember to have me get you lots of water, because you're sweating now. Plus you're about due for a couple more glasses."

"Yeah, AJ said, about the sweating. I didn't even think of that," admitted Nick. "It feels so good, though. Specially on my back and neck. I think I'm making up for months of not taking the time to take a bath."

"Baths are nice, but they take time," Joey agreed, kissing him more. "It's hard to take time, even though I like them. So this is nice for me too." He went back to rubbing, this time concentrating on Nick's shoulders and back. "How are things feeling? Anything 'specially ouchy?"

"My head," admitted Nick with a bit of a wince. "I'm getting used to it again, though. Like before, when the advil wouldn't even really touch it for long. And ... I don't know, if it's my kidneys that are hurting? But down there, my back and sides. There's this ... ache? Kinda? It might just be muscles down there, from holding me up. You think?"

"You haven't really been holding yourself up, much," Joey pointed out, touching him there with gentle hands. "More water for you, lots more. And if it starts hurting more than now, let me know, okay? That's what we're being really careful about, remember." He sighed into Nick's shoulder. "Fucking you probably wasn't the best idea either. I know, and I agree, it was wonderful and I loved it and I wouldn't change it for the world, but having me banging around in there couldn't have been good for things."

"It did more good than harm, Joey," said Nick firmly. "I mean it. I haven't felt this good in ... a while. Sometimes ... sometimes you gotta do what's good for my spirit as much as what's good for my body, I think. And that was really, really good for my spirit."

"Well, my body is awful glad we did what was good for your spirit, so it all works out." Joey chuckled in his ear and gave him a quick squeeze. "I'm so glad you're feeling good," his relief was clear in his voice. "I was so damn worried about you, baby."

"Everyone's worried about me," said Nick with a sigh. "I guess everyone *should* be worried about me. I'm in pretty bad shape. But I *am* gonna get better, Joey. I have so much to prove, now. To a lot of people. I need to be able to get through this."

"You're in better shape already," Joey said happily. "Check the mirror, man. You're looking ten times healthier, and stronger, and not as shaky. Seriously. And you'll get through it. You've come so so far already, and I'll be right there with you, as much as you want me. Even when we go home."

"We're gonna have to talk about that, some time before Wednesday," said Nick, letting himself relax under Joey's hands. "About how we're gonna work, when we go home again. Here's easy, now, I think. EasiER. Home ... that's gonna be something else."

"Yeah," Joey sighed. "It'll be harder, for sure. Lots of things to get used to, and I'm already kinda...I'm getting in the habit of having you around all the time, you know? I don't know how that's gonna work when we get back. And if I stay at your place, people will know. And if you stay at my place, you're gonna have to deal with a pretty high volume of traffic. Home will be nice, but it's just...trickier."

"I've been thinking about it a little," admitted Nick, shifting a little bit and sloshing the water. "And Joey ... when Wednesday comes, I'm pretty sure I'm not gonna be ready to do this alone yet. I'm still going to need you with me. So ... I'm hoping we can work something out."

"We'll work something out, even if it's a hotel room to hide away in," Joey promised. "At least till next week, when I have Bri. But, baby, worse comes to worst...there's AJ, you know. If you don't want to put up with JC and Justin running in and out of my house like they live there, and my daughter and my dogs and everything. Other than that, you're always welcome."

"There's just ... there are things that have to happen. A sequence of things, you know?" he said, trying not to tense up. "Like ... before I go stay with you, I'm gonna tell my guys what's going on. They'll need to know. Is that ... do you think that's the best option? Staying at your place?"

"Well, I was thinking," Joey's hands were still smooth and calm on his back. "I was thinking that staying with me, you could do that right away, because seriously, what are the odds of one of the Backstreet team showing up at my house? Whereas, if I was staying with you, I'd probably run into one of them on the first day. So, staying at my house...that can be the first step in the sequence. If you want."

"I'm not ready to be away from you," said Nick again. Recognizing that, it felt like a pretty healthy thing to do. They were always telling him to know his limits, and he was trying. "I meet with the guys on Wednesday anyway. They may as well get the whole story, all in one shot. And then I can come home to you and scream and throw things and deal with it."

"Right." Joey wrapped his hands around Nick's waist and just hugged him tight. "I think I can pretty much guarantee that we'll have the house to ourselves that night, so you can scream and yell and then I can kiss you and make it better. It might not be so bad, though, you know. AJ has your back. And Howie knows, you said. So it won't be a total shock, right?"

"No," said Nick slowly. "No, but I'm not gonna be in great shape by Wednesday, right? It's still ... it's pretty soon. I'm gonna be functioning, but not peak, that's for sure. So I'm probably gonna overreact." It was probably the most honest assessment he'd been able to make of himself yet. "And it's not going to be a *completely* good reaction, let's be realistic, so there's gonna be something to overreact *to*. But not telling them ... that's not much of an option. I'm also not gonna be in good enough shape to keep a secret well."

"No, no, I think they need to know. Everything. Because trying to keep stuff from them...that's just more stress, and you don't need more stress. And if I'm gonna be around, a lot? They're gonna figure it out. I'm not really a secret myself, remember?" He kissed behind Nick's ear, cuddling him close. "You'll be lots better, I bet. Not perfect, but lots better. If not, you can postpone the meeting till you're up to it."

"Well, not exactly," said Nick. "The meeting on Wednesday, that's a go no matter what, I think. The only question is, if I say anything to them, while I"m there. And I think I need to. I think I *want* to. I'm not ashamed of you and i want them to know. Want them to accept it. That and ... the drinking. Kevin's the only one left who doesn't know, and ... I really think he doesn't."

"Okay," Joey said, sounding a little startled, maybe by Nick's vehemence. "Well, they'll know about it all, then. I think it's good, getting all out, seriously, Nicky. And, you know. There's nothing they can do or say or anything that'll make me stop loving you, or want to be with you. I can stand up for myself, if it comes to that. They don't scare me a bit." He kissed Nick's ear again.

"They scare me," said Nick with a little smile. "You know how it is ... you can only really be hurt by people you care about. So ... not really looking forward to Wednesday. But it'll be a relief. And it'll be better, knowing I am coming home to someone. And AJ ... you're right, AJ'll cover my back."

"You know he will. I feel good, knowing AJ'll be there. He's fantastic." Joey chuckled. "I'll even wait in the driveway for you, if you want. Be your ride home, so I can kiss it better right then and there. You can even use me as a prop, if necessary, that way. But, yeah. Just remember, what you're saying won't be a complete shock to any of them, probably, though details might be. So it can't be *too* bad. And AJ."

"Right," said Nick, sloshing the water again. "I'm not even gonna plan for it now. Not gonna spend all this time worrying about it. I just ... I'm figuring out what I need to do, so I can be with you. So I can stay with you, wherever we choose to stay."\

"Yeah, exactly." Joey's voice went thoughtful, though Nick could hear the amusement threading through it still. "I think I'm getting...what does Chris call it?...codependent, or something. The idea of being away from you too long makes me all nervous and twitchy. And I know in my head you'd be fine, but still...the idea gives me the willies."

"I'm just not ready," said Nick, shaking his head. "I got so much going on, so much to fix about me ... I'm not ready to think about handling everything myself. I promise I will be, again, but right now there's just some shit I need to get through, first. I don't trust myself not to take the easy way out, yet."

"Well, no worries there, since I seem to be attached to you at the hip." Joey sloshed the water around, making waves with his hands. "You'll have help every step if you need it. No matter what. Just remember to take it one step at a time, and it'll be less overwhelming. Handle one thing at a time."

"That's a lot harder than it sounds like now," said Nick with a sigh. "I can't even ... you don't know what it's like. I can't even figure out what I need to handle first, most of the time, all of it coming at me at once. I can just imagine the kind of stuff that I'm gonna have to deal with, once I start with a therapist. It's a little hard to process."

"The therapist can maybe help you get it all organized, in your head. You know, prioritized. I think that's one of the good things about them." Joey rubbed Nick's hair with a careful hand. "Wanna wash this? You did already today, and I want to get you out and fed while the food still sounds like a good idea."

"No, I just wanted to soak," said Nick with another, louder, sigh. "Sometimes I really don't know how to handle this, Joey. I need help."

"Well, yeah." Joey pushed at him till he was reclining back on Joey's chest, and Joey was stretched out too, bringing more of both of them under the hot water. "That's why you have me and AJ and why you're gonna start seeing someone. This is way too hard a thing for anyone to handle all alone."

"It's still not an easy thing to say," said Nick softly, closing his eyes again now that he didn't have Joey to look at. "I still don't like admitting it. That I can't just do this myself."

"But it's good that you did," Joey said gently. "That you do. Because otherwise, where would you be? It's hard, even with help. I'd think it would be impossible, alone." He stroked Nick's hair out of his face with a damp hand. "There's nothing wrong with admitting you need help. It doesn't make you weaker, you know."

"You keep telling me that," said Nick. "and I keep listening. And sooner or later it might start getting easier to believe it. So ... time to eat now? I think I still wouldn't mind, a little."

"No more soaking?" Joey pulled away from him a little, and reached over the edge of the tub for a towel before standing and stepping out of the tub. Nick watched the muscles flex and play under his skin, and couldn't help but smile a little. "Time to eat, now. Still wanting noodles?"

"I think maybe I shouldn't soak too long," admitted Nick. "With the sweating and all ... AJ seemed to think maybe I oughta be careful about that. I should probably have more water now, huh?"

"Lots more water. I think a couple more glasses, and then noodles, and then a nap." Joey knotted the towel around his waist, and held his hand out to Nick. "Come out, before you sweat away all that water you worked so hard to get in. And I'll change the blankets, too."

"Right. Sticky blankets. Good memories," said Nick with a smile as Joey helped him out of the tub. His legs were still wobbly, but he didn't think it was for the same reasons this time. He felt a little ... weak, in general."

"Hot water's kind of draining, huh?" Joey caught him around the waist, and then wrapped him in a giant, soft bath sheet. "Can you stay here and dry off for a minute or two, and I'll be right back? I'd rather get those blankets changed now than later, when you're already all ready to curl up and be comfy again."

"Okay," said Nick, nodding his head slowly and reaching for the counter to hold himself steady. "I'll be fine on my own, you go ahead. Make me up a new nest, mama bird."

Joey cooed at him, grinning, then kissed his mouth and vanished out the door. Nick's hand bumped his glasses, and he picked them up and put them on, careful not to move too fast. His knees felt funny, kind of liquid, and he wasn't sure they were going to hold him up much longer. The toilet looked a million miles away.

Even bringing the room into focus didn't help him find his center again, help him balance. It was strange, how quiet everything was as his head just got lighter and he slumped smoothly to the floor. It was like he hardly made a whisper. At least the floor tiles were comfortably cool as he pressed his cheek to them and closed his eyes.

"Nick." Joey's voice was coming from really far away, it sounded like, but he sounded really worried. Upset, actually. Freaking out? "Nick, come on. Sweetheart. Nick, open your eyes for me. Baby, come on." There was a sharp sound, and a second later his cheek started to burn. How strange. Then again, and the other one. Was Joey smacking him? That couldn't be right. "Nick, come ON!" Joey sounded like he was about to cry.

"Joey," he tried to say, but it came out a little garbled. He didn't want to get up, didn't want to open his eyes even. Right where he was was good and comfortable and ... distant.

"Nick, open your eyes, look at me. Nicky, come on, you have to." There was another sound, and some beeping, and then Joey's voice, edging towards hysterical. "AJ! AJ, fuck, he's passed out, he's on the fucking floor and he won't wake up. NO! No no no, I don't know, he was doing so much better, he was drinking water and keeping it down and hungry. Okay." A couple of deep, shaky breaths. "Okay. Yeah, he's breathing okay. He just looks like he's sleeping. AJ, fuck this, man, I'm calling 9-1-1. He won't wake UP, AJ." Another pause. "Yeah. I know. Okay, thanks. Yes. I'll fucking call, now hang up the fucking phone so I can call a fucking ambulance!" Even through the fog, Nick could hear Joey's hitching breaths.

"Joey," he tried again, and he was sure he made a noise that time. He understood all of that and he didn't like it one bit. "No." Another noise, hopefully a meaningful one. He could feel the tiles digging into his cheek now, feel the steam still filling the room mix with the cooler air coming in from the doorway.

"Nick?" There was a hand on his face instantly, turning him a little, gently. "Nick, hey, baby. I heard you. Can you open your eyes and look at me? Please, Nick? I really need you to, okay?" Joey's voice sounded calm, but so strained that Nick wondered how he was speaking at all.

He didn't open his eyes right away, but he did lick his lips and turn his head a little on his own. He couldn't feel the tile anymore. "Cool air," he mumbled, feeling another breeze from the doorway blow across him.

"Are you hot? Nick? You want to go someplace cooler?" Nick was startled when the floor suddenly disappeared from under him, but Joey was holding him so it had to be okay. "Here we go. Back on the couch, nice and cool out here." He was settled down gently, and then heard more beeps. Phone? Was Joey calling 9-1-1?

The fresh air was so nice, though, he couldn't bring himself to do anything but let it begin to cool him off. His head began to clear a little, enough that he was a lot more aware of where he was and what was around him, touching him. Aware of Joey being somewhere nearby. But he didn't have the energy yet to do anything about it, didn't seem to have control of his limbs yet.

Joey's hand was on his face, suddenly, touching his cheek and his forehead and then sliding down to his throat. "Hello? Hi, I need to speak to Dr. Morrison. It's an emergency. Yeah, I'll hold." He stroked Nick's throat a little, and Nick felt his weight dipping the couch by his shoulder. "Come on, come on," he muttered. "Yes! It's Joey, and Nick passed out, he was just on the floor when I came back, I can't get him to open his eyes, I don't know--" he paused. "He's breathing fine, his heartbeat, it's strong, I don't know, he talked once but now nothing, I mean--" He paused again. "Okay. Okay. Soon? Okay. Yeah. I can do that. Okay. Thank you so much, I don't...okay. Soon? Okay. Bye." The phone clicked shut with that distinctive sound, and Joey moved a little. "Nick, sweetheart, the doctor's coming, and an ambulance, okay? It's gonna be okay, you'll be fine, you'll be fine." Joey sounded like he was trying to convince himself.

"No," Nick tried to say again, and even tried to open his eyes but that seemed like a futile effort. "'m fine." He wasn't *fine*, of course, but if Joey just let him lay here, then he'd be okay. He was sure of it. He just needed to rest a minute, and cool off. And maybe drink some water, once he could open his eyes and sit up again. Whenever that might be.

"Yeah, you'll be fine," Joey said softly, then moved again, and Nick felt himself being shifted, and soft pants sliding up his legs. "No peep show for the ambulance guys," Joey's chuckle was painful and harsh. "God, fuck, goddamnit, Nick, please look at me. Shit." The phone clicked open again. "AJ? Yeah. Ambulance is on the way. I don't know. No, he's still not moving. Fuck, I don't know. I'll call you." Click shut again. Nick wondered dizzily what Joey's cell bill would be like that month.

Nick pried his eyes open a crack, realized his glasses weren't on anymore and he couldn't see much. Or maybe his eyes just weren't open enough yet. "Joey?" he said, and he *knew* the word was clear enough that time, he could hear it. "'m jus' hot."

"Nick?" Joey's voice was hopeful, and something dark and blurry loomed into Nick's field of vision. "Hey, baby. You're awake, thank god. Nick, it'll be okay. There's a doctor coming, okay? Just take it easy, he'll be here soon. He'll take good care of you, he'll make sure you're all right. Just rest, now."

"No doct'r," mumbled Nick, trying to open his eyes further, but his body was screaming for him to close them again and go back to where it was dark and happy. He did lift his arm a little and bump it against Joey. Any moment now, he was sure, he was gonna feel rejuvenated. He was gonna blink his eyes open and see Joey's smile. It was just his head, still felt a little light.

"Yes doctor," Joey said, voice choked and strange. "Definitely yes doctor, Nicky, you don't get to pass out on the floor and scare the everloving shit out of me and then no doctor." Fingers in his hair, gentle and smooth, and he thought maybe his head was in Joey's lap. "Hospital too, Nick, we're going in, you and me. I won't leave you, okay? I'll be right here."

"No," he said again, mumbling it out, letting his eyes drift shut. It was just so much easier that way. He couldn't see anyway, and when his eyes were closed, he could drift away a little. He could still feel Joey's body, hear Joey's voice, but everything, all his pain and his problems, felt one step removed.

"Yes," Joey said softly, still stroking his hair. "I'm sorry, baby, but yes. This...you're scaring me. They'll be here in just a couple of minutes, they'll make sure you're okay. And I won't go, I'll stay right by you, no matter what. You hearing me, Nick? Come on, baby, stay awake for me."

Nick didn't say anything, but he thought he smiled. Hoped he smiled, 'cause that's what he was feeling, as Joey stroked his hair and spoke softly to him. He knew that Joey would always be there, that Joey wasn't going anywhere and would always protect him. It made him feel safe.

"Good thing I brought our bags down," Joey muttered, lifting Nick's head and placing it back on what felt like a pillow. "Just getting clothes on, they don't need to see that either," Joey explained, and Nick was grateful that he wasn't leaving. "And getting some stuff together, in case we gotta stay, more than overnight. I've even got your toothbrush, Nicky, nice, right? I bet we get a-" The doorbell shrilled loudly in the quiet house, and Joey touched his cheek again. "That's them. I'll be right back."

"Not staying," Nick thought he said, but it didn't sound quite right. But at least he made a noise, that Joey could hear. If he wasn't too far away already. He might've been; Nick didn't seem to be a really good judge of how much time had passed, right then.

When Joey returned, there were other voices with him, one loud and one soft and one familiar, from that afternoon. Gentle hands touched him, moved him and rolled him and pressed in places.

"He said his kidneys were still hurting. And that's bad. And we had sex and took a bath, and shit, it's my fault, but what is it?" Joey, still sounding frantic. "What's wrong with him?"

"Joey, please. You have to step back." Dr. Morrison sounded impatient. "Nick, hi. Nick, can you open your eyes for me, please? I need you to do that now. Look at me, please."

Nick tried to open his eyes but only managed a crack again. It was enough, though, to see the doctor blur in front of him, and see Joey hovering so very close to him. "Hey," he managed to say, and it sounded all right to him. But he just couldn't seem to open his eyes any further.

"Hi there." The doctor's voice was nice, Nick thought. "Can you tell us what's wrong, Nick? What hurts. What happened?"

Nick rolled around a bunch of answers in his mind, mixed up with a bunch of questions, but managed to say only, "Was too hot." That summed it up pretty well, he thought. And that's all that happened, right? He just got a little hot, he'd be fine if they just let him lay there for a while. Only his skin had cooled off and he still wasn't all there.

"Okay, guys, get that stretcher ready." The doctor wasn't talking to Nick, he didn't think, and what was happening? "Nick, hey. We're going to take you to the clinic for a couple of tests, and for some rest, and to make you feel better, okay? Just relax, and we'll take care of everything."

More hands on him, moving him around, but Nick was trying to hear the doctor. "I don't know, Joey," he was saying patiently. "That's why we need the tests. It could be his kidneys, it could be his liver, it could just be exhaustion finally catching up with him. Frankly, I'm glad we're getting him in, even if he had to pass out. He needs medical attention, more than just a house call."

"No," said Nick. They had to listen to him when he said no, right? Only probably Joey was telling them something else, agreeing that Nick should have to go to the hospital. And he wasn't sure that he'd spoken loudly enough or clearly enough to be understood. He didn't want to go to the hospital, didn't want them to do tests. He was fine, he was getting better, he just needed to lie down for a while and drink water and ... and anything else the doctor said.

He was lifted abruptly and the world spun around him, and even after his body stopped moving it was like his head and stomach were on a carousel, round and round. Blankets covered him suddenly, from chin to toes.

"There you go, baby," Joey said softly, right by his ear. "We're heading out now, I'm right here. Just an ambulance, you been in one of these before. I don't think you're sick enough to get the flashing lights, though." His voice got a little more distant. "Look, we really need to go in a back entrance. VIP? All hospitals have them, trust me, I know. This is Nick CARTER." The doctor's voice agreed with Joey, and then with a bump, Nick was moving.

Nick really wished Joey was there beside him still. Everything was moving so fast and people were still touching him and he didn't really like this at *all*. And, ridiculously, he hoped that Joey was bringing his stupid pacman pajamas with them, because they really were his favorite, even if he'd never admit it. And if he had to be going to the hospital -- which it looked like he was, there was no stopping the momentum now -- he wanted something there that he could be comforted by.

"Hey." Joey's voice next to him again, and a warm hand holding his own, keeping him grounded, even as a blast of cold air hit his face and he shivered. "Hey, we're headed out the door, now. Man, you should open your eyes and see. These guys are pros, they've got that ambulance double parked like you've never seen, and they've got no problems with these stairs." Nick tilted, and was suddenly terrified.

He couldn't see, even though he'd managed to crack his eyes open wider. Even though he was dizzy and disoriented and was sure he'd go skidding to the ground, he remained exactly still, his heart pounding furiously. And the cold air, once he got past the initial shock of it, felt really good. "Did I break my glasses?" he asked finally, his first complete sentence and he thought it came out kinda okay. He didn't remember them breaking, didn't remember *what* had happened when he hit the floor. Only that it had been quiet.

"Hi, Nick," Joey leaned into his vision again, close enough that he could see the red eyes and bruised lip and tense, tight expression, even though he was smiling. "You bent the frames, just a little. Do you want them? I've got 'em right here." Joey didn't let go of his hand, and with a jolt and a lurch, Nick was inside the ambulance, and Joey scrambled in beside him.

"No," he said, glad he was being understood. "Don't wanna see." And he really didn't, didn't want to have to see who else was there and what they were doing to him. Didn't want to be there at all, didn't want any of this to be really happening to him. "Sorry."

"Don't be sorry, baby. It's okay. It'll be okay." Joey still sounded close, but people were moving around him, and Dr. Morrison was back, bending down close to his face.

"Hi, Nick. Good to see you awake. Will you be able to open your mouth for me and not bite down, do you think? I need to see if you really are overheating. Tell me honestly." Hands were attaching little pads to his chest, and a machine started beeping. "Just a little pinch now, we're starting an IV." Someone smacked the inside of Nick's elbow a few times, and something tightened around his upper arm.

"I think," mumbled Nick, squeezing Joey's hand a little. Why couldn't he move right? He should be able to move right. He was doing better. He was eating. He was drinking. He was doing everything they told him he needed to do to get through this. "Ow." He knew a needle was coming in a second, and he was okay with needles but he always hated that first poke of one anyway. Hated what it meant even more.

"Nick, they haven't even stuck you yet," Joey said gently, then squeezed back as Nick felt the needle pierce his skin. "Hang in there, baby, just a little...there it goes." Tape on Nick's arm, dull ache of a needle in his vein, and he couldn't believe this was happening to him. Then someone was peeling his eyelids back and shining bright light into his eyes, and he tried to flinch but his body wouldn't even do that. Joey was saying something but he couldn't hear.

He tried to blink his eyes closed again but they wouldn't let him, and he panicked this time when he felt himself lose touch a little bit with what was going on around him. He didn't want to go away this time, didn't want to leave his body with a bunch of strangers, not even when Joey was there looking out for him. "Joey," he said this time, and used both the name and the person to pull him back again. "Joey."

"I'm here. I'm right here, Nick." His voice was clear and strong, and his fingers squeezed Nick's. "I'm not going anywhere at all." Someone was pinching him, the skin on his hip, and he felt another needle slide in.

"Pupil response is sluggish," a voice at his head reported, and they let his eyes close. "We had an anorexic once that looked just like this. BP is low, heartrate fast but normal."

"I really need that temperature." The doctor said calmly. "ETA?"

"Three minutes," someone reported, and Joey squeezed Nick's hand again.

Nick didn't really understand everything that was happening, only that he seemed to be pretty sick and that they were almost there. And that Joey *was* there, he wasn't letting go for anything. Nick just wanted to know what was wrong, why his body had finally given in to all the pressure it was under. And he really wanted to go home and curl up with Joey and have everything be okay again.

"We'll wait then, he's fading in and out still, we can get him prepped and hooked up when we're there." One more needle, and Nick was starting to feel like a pincushion. "I want a full tox screen on that blood as soon as we hit the clinic, complete workup, tell the techs." The voice got closer to Nick again. "Okay, Nick, we're pulling in now. We're gonna take you in under a blanket, but Joey will stay with you, we're going in the back. We're gonna take real good care of you."

"See," Joey said, bringing Nick's hand to his face. "It's going to be okay. They'll figure out what's wrong and fix you right up. They're good at their job." He paused, and Nick felt breath warm on his ear. "I love you," Joey whispered. "Dont forget. You hang in there, you hear me?"

"Hang in there," Nick echoed him, and hated them all a little that they wanted to do a tox screen on him, because wasn't that the whole reason he was in this mess? Because he *wasn't* pumping that shit into his body anymore? But he didn't understand any of the rest, only that they were there now, pulling up and soon he would be inside and they would be doing *more* things to him that he probably wouldn't like. But at least he still had Joey.

The ambulance lurched to a halt, and even with his eyes closed Nick could tell that the light changed when the door swung open. Then Joey's hand was gone and he was moving. "I'm still right here, Nick. I'm coming with, they just need to get you inside, okay?" Then his voice dropped, and Nick could tell he was talking to someone else. "How bad is it? He's gonna be okay, right? Should I call Jive, or the Backstreet people, or something?"

The doctor's voice was distracted, and Nick felt a little tug on his IV needle. "Why don't you wait until we've got him checked out, then we can give them some real information. Alright, out we go. Nick, we're taking you in now."

Nick was already well aware of that, the way he was in motion now, lurching a little bit. Or at least it felt like that; maybe that was all in his head. It still felt light and off-balance and there was a distance between him and everything else that he just couldn't seem to bridge. He wanted to tell Joey that he was fine and they could go home again but he couldn't, every word was an effort and he was never sure they were gonna come out the right way.

There was a clamor of voices around him, and he heard someone shouting far away, and there was a lot of mechanical beeping. He remembered these sounds from when he was in the hospital with his broken hand, the same hand that Joey--he hoped it was Joey--had grabbed and was holding again. All the noise faded suddenly, and it was just him and Joey and the doctor. He thought.

"Okay. Get him up on the bed, careful with that IV, and swap him over to the room monitor." The doctor sounded brisk, and Nick felt himself lifted and moved. "Get those pants off him, we can get him a gown in a few minutes. Nick, can you open your eyes for me again? You still with us?"

Nick swallowed thickly and struggled to open his eyes a crack. It was a little easier this time, but they didn't open any further than they had before. It was bright in the room but he could still see only blurry shapes, and it seemed like his vision ought to be at least a little better than *this*.

"Hey," he said again, roughly, but at least it was more coherent than just noise. "'m here." He focused on the hand that Joey was holding, making it his one point of stability in this whole thing, and gave it a weak squeeze.

"Okay, good. That's real good, Nick, I want you to keep those eyes open, as much as you can. Now, we're going to be hooking you up to a lot of monitors, and running a lot of tests, and I want you to tell me if something hurts or if you start feeling sick, okay?" Nick felt his pants get stripped away, but he was so detatched from his body he couldn't even bring himself to care. "Thanks, Gina," the doctor went on. "Can you check on that bloodwork for me, please, and see if we've got dialysis available. Don't bring it in, just check for me, in case. Thanks." Another needle, this time in his other arm. "Nick, can you open your mouth for me? Just a thermometer. I don't think you'll be too happy about where it goes if you can't, but you've got to stay conscious and no biting down."

Nick parted his lips a little bit; it was about as difficult as speaking was, which meant he could do it but not quickly and not much. Joey was still there and so were other bodies moving in the distance, just little dark blurs on the edge of his vision. Keeping his eyes open was just making him dizzier, but he knew if he closed them they would be insisting he open them again.

His effort must've been good enough, because the doctor made an approving noise and a moment later he popped a thermometer in Nick's mouth. Nick instinctively closed his lips around it and was grateful he didn't have to speak.

"Okay, good. Now. Joey, tell me what happened?"

"I don't know." Joey's voice was small and sounded helpless. "He was doing great. He ate yogurt and noodles and had a lot of water, a lot of tea. We, ah, we messed around, I know it was a bad idea, but he said it was okay, and then a bath, for his muscles. I went to change the blankets and get him some water, and when I came back he was just...he was down on the floor and he was out cold. I don't know. I couldn't get him to wake up." Joey's hand was squeezing his almost too hard. "He said, he said his kidneys still hurt."

"Well, we've got a bag and a half of fluids in him already, if he doesn't have to use the bathroom soon, we'll know we have a real problem. Okay, Nick, you can let go of the thermometer." It was pulled out of his mouth. "He said he was too hot? He's actually a little low, right now. Nick? Are you hot right now?"

Nick had to think about that, he was so disconnected from his body. And once he did have something to say, he had to struggled to get it out. "Not now," he said finally, enunciating each work. He wasn't sure that was the right answer or not, but he didn't have the same sweaty feeling as he'd had before. It still felt tropical inside him, though. He wished he could just say all that, so they'd understand.

"Okay. We'll check again later. Can I get a hand over here? Yeah, roll him to his side, just like that." Nick felt himself pushed and rolled, gently, but the room still spun. "Okay. Remember earlier today, you said it hurt when I pushed here? I need you to tell me if it still hurts, more or less. If he's got a kidney infection," Nick got the impression that the doctor was speaking to Joey, now, "it could have flared up fast. No, Joey, don't worry, we can clear that up with antibiotics. Nick? How does this feel?" Fingers pressed into his lower back, just above his ass.

"Ow," said Nick softly. He could feel it hurting, which meant it probably hurt worse than he knew. His whole back hurt a little, though, but he thought maybe that was just from the stretcher. He couldn't bring his body to squirm away from the doctor's probing fingers, but as he tried he did manage to open his eyes almost all the way and saw Joey right there with him, like he promised.

"Lots of ow or little ow?" Joey asked softly, reaching out to touch his face, and smiling a little at him. "Hi, baby. Stay here this time, okay? You're scaring me a lot."

"Okay, bring him back over," and suddenly Nick was looking at the ceiling, or something big and flat and white, anyway. "I'm going to start him on aggressive antibiotics right away, and see if that helps. If it is a kidney infection, he should start feeling better in about twelve hours. Okay, everyone clear out for a few. Joey, you too."

Nick didn't want to let go of Joey's hand but he wasn't strong enough to hold on as Joey was ushered out of the room. He blinked a few times and his vision cleared up a little, as much as it ever did without his glasses. "Not sure how much ow," he said, with some effort, and licked his lips afterwards. He was back up to a whole sentence again. It could only get better from here.

The doctor looked like he was doing something to Nick's IV, injecting something into the tube, and then he draped it over the stand again, and came to Nick's side. "Okay, Nick, here's the scoop." Nick thought he was smiling a little, though he couldn't tell for sure. "I think you've got a pretty serious systemic infection, probably starting in your kidneys, and I just gave you some antibiotics that should help if that's the case. But your body's so weak it can't even fight it off, which is why you're just shutting down right now. Overload. I was hoping to avoid that with the bed rest, but I think I probably got there too late. Kidney infections are fairly common, when you have a weakened immune system. I have to ask, have you been tested for HIV?" His voice was calm and nonjudgemental.

Nick had to think about that, too, but didn't feel any panic over the question. "Yes," he said finally, making that word as clear as he possibly could. "They do ... for all of us. Regular. You can ... get records?" It was the most he'd said at once since he'd passed out in the bathroom, and it make his throat feel dry. He knew that Dr. Morrison probably had access to all of his medical records through Jive, and could look the rest up from there.

"Yeah, I can get those." The doctor patted his shoulder. "Good, that's good. They'll run that test on your blood anyway, but it's good to know you've tested clean before. Now, some of the stuff you probably won't like so much, so I'm giving you a little advance notice. Because you're basically malnourished, these antibiotics are going to hit you pretty hard. We need to keep food coming in. I know you said you're still nauseated, but if you can't eat, I'm going to have them put in a stomach tube for you. It'll be uncomfortable, but nothing too bad. Also, a catheter, in case the infection has caused renal failure and we need to do dialysis. Okay? You understand those?"

Nick let out a groan, understanding perfectly. "Yes," he said, and let his eyes drift shut. "I understand." It wasn't supposed to get this bad, it was never supposed to get anywhere near this. "I just wanted to stop drinking," he mumbled dismally. "This wasn't supposed to happen." But a lot of "this" -- especially the malnourishment, the fact that he was probably borderline having an eating disorder because of how he'd been treating himself -- had happened long before he'd stopped. And stopping alone wasn't enough to fix it.

"If you hadn't stopped drinking when you did," the doctor said bluntly, "you'd be in much worse shape right now. If your kidneys shut down when you were still drinking that much alcohol, you could be in a coma, or even dead. So, you're doing the right thing." He patted Nick's shoulder again. "All right, I'm going to go let the others back in, and check on your tests and getting your paperwork started. If anything changes, be sure to let the nurse know, and she'll get me immediately." He moved to the door, and opened it, and Joey came right through, still speaking quietly into his cell phone but eyes on Nick the whole time.

Nick wished he could just let himself drift away again, leave all this behind for a little while, but the look on Joey's face wouldn't let him. He focused intensely on it until Joey got close enough that he could almost begin to see detail. "Hey," he said weakly, trying out his newfound ability to actually speak. "Love you."

Joey's smile was bright, even through the strain evident on his face. "Hey, Nick. Love you too." He held out the cell phone, even as he bent down and kissed Nick's cheek gently. "Here, please talk to AJ, and convince him you're still alive? I think he's about to stroke out. Seriously."

Nick hadn't tried to move much yet, but he did manage to take the cell phone from Joey and hold it up to his ear, and leaned in towards Joey's gentle touch. "Hey," he said again, wishing he had something to wet down his throat. "Hey, AJ."

"Hey there, sugar." AJ's voice was actually shaking. "Man, man, shit, Nick. Shit. Are you okay, kiddo? How you hangin' in?"

Joey settled on the stool at Nick's bedside, and leaned in and rested his head on Nick's pillow, breathing softly into his hair and kissing him occasionally. "Keep it short, we're not supposed to use cell phones in here but I got permission for one little call," he said quietly.

"I'm okay," said Nick, and knew he had to sound just absolutely awful. "I'm sick, I guess. Scared Joey. I'm ... hospital, now. Sucks." It was definitely an abridged version of the situation, but Joey had to have told AJ every thing else by now. He seemed to remember bits and pieces of it along the way.

"You're sick, all right. Don't talk," AJ sighed, then took a deep breath and blew it out. "Okay, Joey says you're gonna be okay. You'd better be okay, Nick, or I'm gonna kick your fuckin' ass from here to Hawaii, you hear me? You'd just better be okay. I love you, kid, you be strong. Now give me back to your boyfriend."

"I'm okay," he said, and even smiled a little as he slowly pulled the phone away and handed it back to Joey. Then he turned his face towards him and watched as Joey tried to speak and stay on his pillow at the same time.

"Yeah," Joey said quietly, managing to stay put and even smiling a little. "Yeah, he really is. Yep. I don't know, man, they're still doing tests. At least overnight. I don't *know*, AJ, fuck." He paused for a few long moments, chewing his lip. "Okay. If...yeah. I'll call. If...I'll send a car, it'll be cool, just call with the times, okay? Bye. You're welcome. Bye." He shut the phone, and then his eyes, moving close enough that their mouths were almost touching. He looked like he was breathing Nick in.

"He coming?" said Nick, refocusing on Joey's face again, watching him breathe, and even relax. AJ had threatened to come, if Nick got any worse; he wouldn't be surprised if it happened, now. "I'm okay, Joey." He knew that the words weren't enough, and might not have even been true. "God, what's *wrong* with me?"

"You're sick," Joey said simply, not opening his eyes. "You're real sick, but you're gonna get better. AJ...he'll come if you're here for more than overnight. He doesn't want to bring any attention to this place if he doesn't have to, he doesn't want the press coming here to bug you. So far, it's been real quiet." Joey kissed him softly, barely having to move to do so. "What did the doctor say? Does he know what the problem is, yet?"

"Infection, maybe," said Nick, closing his own eyes again. "Body's all messed up." His body sure wasn't the only thing that was messed up, though. It might not have even been the most important thing. "You should call your mom. She'll worry."

"I will," Joey said quietly. "I forgot to leave a note. I was a little crazy, there." He kissed Nick again, so delicately, like Nick was made of glass. "Infection, huh? They'll give you medicine for that." He looked exhausted, Nick thought, and almost...relieved? "And they'll take good care of you. They'll give you what you need."

"I know," said Nick, feeling himself drift away just a little again. He fought it this time. "You wanna lie with me, Joey? You get some sleep?" Joey looked like he needed it even more than Nick did, and he wasn't gonna get it sitting on that awful stool and leaning over him.

"I'm okay here," Joey said softly. "I think they're gonna come back and do other stuff, and I don't want to get in the way." He opened his eyes, then, blinking at Nick and smiling a little. "I can sleep later. I've still gotta call my mom, and Jive. And...do you want me to call anyone else?" He tucked one hand under his own cheek. "You need anything? Water, or ice, or anything?"

"Water? Maybe?" suggested Nick, thinking about his dry throat. "Yeah ... gonna come back. Poke me some more." He gave Joey a weak smile then kissed him softly. "I'm sorry, Joey. Really messed this trip up now."

"Hush about that," Joey said, kissing him back, barely brushing his mouth. "Don't you dare blame yourself, baby." He stood and moved out of Nick's sight, but was back in a moment, with a cup and an ice cube in his hand. "Here you go." He settled right down where he had been, and held the ice cube to Nick's mouth, running it over his lips. "Suck on that a little bit, first."

"You jus' wanna see me suck on somethin'," said Nick, taking it into his mouth. It was so cool and felt so good and he realized just how hot he still was. He wondered how long he had been. "Tell your mom I'm sorry, too," he mumbled around the ice cube that was melting fast. "Tell her I'm okay."

"I will, I will. She'll be here, though, she'll come as soon as she hears. You can show her you're okay yourself." Joey had another ice cube in his hand, and ran it down Nick's neck, then back up to his mouth. "Nicky, when the doctor was taking your temperature, did you put it under your tongue? You feel awful warm to me."

"Yes," said Nick, even though he couldn't remember if he had or he hadn't. It would've been easier if they'd had one of those ear temperature things on hand. No effort necessary. "Maybe no. I don't know."

Joey frowned at him a little, though he kept moving the ice cube back and forth over Nick's lips. "I'll tell him, when he comes back. I don't know what difference it'll make, though, since they already gave you antibiotics. Guess we just have to wait for them to work." He looked up at a sound, and there was someone standing beside him, an older woman, as far as Nick could tell.

"Hi, Mr. Carter, I'm Gina, your duty nurse this shift. I've got some jello here, that Dr. Morrison wants you to try. Excuse me, sir, I need to shift the bed." Joey moved away, and she pressed a button and Nick was lifted up to a sitting position.

Nick stared at the blurry blob that she'd told him was jello. "Um ... not really hungry ... " he mumbled, thinking there was no way he was gonna get that down easily. But the alternative was even worse. "You sure I need to ... ?" He knew the answer to that, but he had to try.

"I'm sorry," she said, sounding sympathetic, but firm. "You need to try, and keep it down, Mr. Carter. Are you sure you wouldn't like to go straight to the feeding tube? It's not comfortable, but it won't be a struggle for you to eat."

Joey stared between them. "Feeding tube? What? Nick?"

"It's a very minor procedure," she said reassuringly, turning to Joey. "Very common when our patients have eating disorders, or are too weak or sick to eat. It's just a tube down the throat and into the stomach, so we can make sure he's getting enough nourishment." She turned back to Nick, and looked at him inquiringly.

"So which am I?" muttered Nick, hopefully too low for either of them to hear. Staring at that lump of jello, feeling his stomach twist, he wasn't sure which one was the better option. "I can't talk with a tube, right?" he asked, looking up at her and away from his food.

"Once you're used to it, you can whisper a little, but we try to discourage that," she nodded. "It can be painful to speak, and it can strain your vocal cords."

"We can do blinks, Nicky," Joey said, taking hold of his hand again and still looking a little shocked. "Or get you paper. If you can't eat, we'll make it work."

"I'll try the jello," he said finally, looking back at it with as little revulsion as he could. "We'll try this first." A few hours from now he might be looking at getting a feeding tube anyway, if he couldn't get the food down and -- his biggest problem -- keep it down. But he at least wanted to try. "Thank you."

"Okay." She straightened his blanket, and stepped away. "I'll be back shortly to check on you." Nick barely heard the door close behind her.

"That's not so much jello," Joey said encouragingly, slumping back down onto his stool. "Just start with one bite and keep going. Momentum is everything." He kissed Nick's wrist lightly.

"That's a mountain of jello," argued Nick, even though he'd eaten more than that earlier. "Help me?" he reached for the spoon, and almost couldn't make himself take a bite of it. But then he thought about the feeding tube again and managed to get it into his mouth.

"That's not even a full bowl of jello," Joey smiled at him approvingly as he swallowed. At least he didn't have to chew; the jello just slid down his throat, though his stomach clenched warningly as soon as it did. "How can I help? Distract you with funny stories? A kiss for every bite? Lapdance?" He didn't really look like he had enough energy left to stand up, though, much less dance.

"Eat it for me?" suggested Nick, as he brought another bite to his mouth and stared at it for a long moment before forcing himself to put it in his mouth again. He was torn now, knowing that if he finished the whole thing, he probably wouldn't keep it down, but if he left it at a few bites, he might. "So," he said, groping for something to distract him. "How bad are my glasses bent?"

"Not bad," Joey said, sitting up and groping in his jacket pocket. "Here, see?" He held them up, showing one earpiece just slightly askew. "Still wearable and everything. You can put them on, if you want, now that you're...awake, again." He set them on the tray by the jello bowl. "So, what else did the doctor say? Anything else interesting?"

Nick put down the spoon to fiddle with the arms of his glasses, then slipped them on. For the first time, he had a clear view of all the machinery and whiteness that surrounded him. He didn't like it any more now than he had before.

"He mentioned dialysis," he said finally, not really wanting to bring that up until Joey had asked. "Maybe. Probably."

Joey sighed, and pressed Nick's palm to his own cheek, blinking much too quickly. "I'm so sorry, Nick. I know this is my fault, I didn't...I didn't notice that you were already sick, and I made you quit drinking, and I dragged you to New York. I'm so, so sorry. Please...god. Please don't hate me, okay? I love you, and I'm sorry."

"Joey?" said Nick, turning toward him in bewilderment. "What are you ... ? How is this *your* fault, at all? The ... " He licked his lips, feeling dry again. "The doctor said I'd be worse, if I hadn't quit. I've just ... done a lot of shit to my body, and now ... now it's fighting back."

Joey shook his head definitely. "You pushed too hard. Exhaustion, right, and stress, and too much running around, and all because I wanted you to come to this stupid wedding with me. Fucking selfish, I can't believe it." Those were definitely tears in his eyes. "And now, you're here, and, and, feeding tubes, and dialysis, and I feel just awful." He sniffled. "Keep eating your jello."

"Joey, no," said Nick helplessly, reaching out to stroke *his* hair. "How many times did I fucking insist I was coming? And how many times did you and ... and AJ call me a stubborn fucker for doing it? You've been so great ... " It was Joey that kept him going moment to moment now, and how couldn't he know how. "If I'd had my way, we'd be at a fucking reception right now and ... and I'd be worse. Way worse. But you took care of me and got me here, where I needed to be." It was way too much to say all at once and he felt lightheaded and parched afterwards, but it needed to be said. He must have looked scary, because Joey reached up and stroked his cheek, then his throat, smiling a little, even though his eyes were still wet. "Okay, okay. You're where you need to be, no matter how it happened, and that's the thing to remember. I'll remember that. Eat your jello, baby, or do you want more water first?"

"Water," said Nick, the choice easy. "I'm really ... " He looked at Joey, a little scared again. Actually, starting to get a lot scared as the full impact of what was going on was starting to sink in through the fog that still surrounded his brain. "I don't think I can eat this, Joey ... "

"Shhhh, here, drink this." Joey handed him the cup, and the water was blessedly cool in his mouth. "Nick, you have to eat. You have to eat that, if you can at all, or they're gonna take that choice away from you. You're, you've got to start putting weight back on, or...you want to get better, right? You want to come home and play with Bree and me, and stay with me? You can't do that till you're better." Joey's eyes were dark with worry. "Just a little more, you're almost halfway done already."

"Joey ... " said Nick softly as he put the cup back down, tensing up again. "It's not that I don't ... don't *want* to eat. It's just really hard, sometimes. A lot of times. And more than ever just right now. I *like* food. It just doesn't like me, much."

"C'mere, you're all...you're wound up tight as a drum." Joey pulled and tugged at him gently until he was lying down, moving the jello out of the way, carefully moving the IV tube and the wires to the monitors. "You know your stomach gets nuts when you're stressing. Just take deep breaths and think good thoughts." Then Joey's hands were smoothing down his bare back and hips and thighs, rubbing stubbornly aching muscles. "We'll just make it so your stomach is relaxed enough to eat the rest of that jello, and you'll be okay. You are half, you get a break."

Nick closed his eyes again; everything felt better when his eyes were closed. "I'll try," he promised, letting Joey do his magic with his body. He needed to get that food into him. Bad things would happen to him if he didn't, and not just some feeding tube. He knew that. "Ow, ow, Joey, don't touch there ... "

"Okay, okay." Joey lifted his hands away from Nick's lower back, moving up to his shoulders instead and massaging very gently. "Sorry, baby. I barely touched, though." He hummed a little as he rubbed, and Nick felt his muscles unknotting one by one, reluctantly. "You know, it's a good thing you didn't hit the sink on the way down, when you passed out. Can you imagine adding stitches or a dentist to all this mess?"

"God, I've had enough work done on my mouth, don't even joke about that," said Nick, and gave Joey a tiny smile again. "Small blessings, I guess. I think maybe ... a little more jello? I was willing to eat noodles before all this, I should be able to choke some jello down now." His stomach knotted again at the thought, but he was determined.

"Give it another minute," Joey said calmly, still rubbing. "Whenever you talk about food, it's like someone snapped a rubber band. You go all rigid again. Don't make any announcements, don't worry about it. When you feel like you can, just take a bite. I think maybe the way we're making a big screaming deal out of it isn't helping you." He kissed the curve of Nick's shoulder, then went back to his massage, digging his thumbs gently into the muscles beside Nick's neck.

Nick moaned softly and let his head hang against his chest as Joey massaged him, no longer willing to expend the energy to keep it upright. "Okay ... a couple more minutes of that, then ... " he agreed, trying to take his mind off of everything. Given where they were, though, it was just about impossible.

"It'll be okay," Joey said quietly, intensely. "You'll be okay, Nick. It's all overwhelming right now, but it'll work out." One hand kept rubbing, while the other reached past Nick, and he felt the cool of the spoon against his mouth a moment later. "Open up." Too surprised not to, Nick opened his mouth, and swallowed the spoonful of jello, and blinked. It had happened so fast his stomach hadn't even had time to knot.

He was too surprised to speak for a moment, then decided to just not mention it, pretend like it was just a normal thing. "Yeah," he said instead. "It's really ... it's not getting less overwhelming, it's getting more, you know? I was thinking about really starting to deal with ... with my problems. And now I feel like I can barely scratch the surface of everything that's going on."

"Well, take it one thing at a time." Both of Joey's hands were back on his shoulders, now. "I really think that if you sit here and try to list all the things you have to deal with, and worry about them, you'll work yourself into such a state you'll never feel better. Right now, just think about your body, making it healthy again. And when you have to deal with other things, we'll handle them. You and me, babe, we can handle anything." The spoon was at his mouth again, and he obediently opened, completely distracted by Joey's words.

He swallowed, then wiped his mouth with his thumb. "The body thing is a lot tangled up with the other things, though," he said. "I know that when one starts to get better, the other will follow, it's just so hard to get that one started ... " He sighed. "I didn't have to think about any of this when I was drinking."

"Yeah," Joey said, still calm. "Alcohol's good at blurring all those nasty sharp edges. But it's not a good way to do it, I know you know that. It's not healthy, for your body *or* your mind. Right now, though, I figure this is like...what they call it in war. This is triage, trauma medicine. We're trying to get you back on your feet, so you've got enough strength to deal with all the other stuff. Like a bandage to stop the bleeding while you figure out what got broken." He looked away as the door opened, and the doctor came back in. Now that Nick had his glasses on, he could see his face and everything.

"Hey there. You're looking a lot better, Nick. Feeling stronger now?" He checked the IV bag, empty again, and Joey took his hands away and sat back.

"Well, I'm all here now," he said after a moment, sitting back and leaving the last couple of bites of jello there. "So I guess that's a step in the right direction ... right?" He glanced over at Joey before looking at the doctor again.

He wasn't sure what else to say about that, though. He couldn't honestly say he was feeling stronger, or better, just more aware. More aware and actually able to move his body for himself. He was more hoping the doctor would be able to tell *him* that he was doing better. Getting stronger.

"Definitely," the doctor nodded, flipping back the blankets professionally and urging Nick to his side, fingers pressing under his arm, then the crease of his groin, then disappearing. "You've still got those swollen glands," he commented, and Nick could see him frowning when he glanced up. "And your temperature seems high. I'll check that again. How about here, still the same?" He pressed firmly on Nick's lower back, and Nick cried out sharply, and Joey jumped, startled.

"Um. Yeah," he said after panting for a moment, letting the pain dissipate after the doctor removed his hands. "Kinda sore there, yeah." He didn't even want to lay back on the bed until it went away a little more. "Um. Definitely hurts worse. Than earlier today. I don't know about when I came in .... I wasn't feeling things quite right, then." He bit his lip and looked up at Joey and searched for something reassuring there.

Joey nodded at him a little, eyes wide, but reached for his hand and twined their fingers together.

"Okay, that's actually good. That means we know what we're dealing with, and we can work with that." Dr. Morrison rolled him gently to his back, despite his resistance, and he gasped again, before relaxing when it didn't hurt any more than it already did. "You're starting to get a little bloated looking, Nick, I think from all the liquids. Any pressure, fullness, here?" There was a hand pressing low on his abdomen.

Nick had to think about it, and made a face. "Yes ... no ... kinda? Not ... not anything I'm used to feeling, if that's what you mean. Like ... I don't have to go." He sighed and gave the doctor a dismal look, clutching Joey's hand. "That's bad, isn't it." He had no idea how things were supposed to go here, what meant what. He only knew how he felt.

"It's not great, but not too terrible," the doctor said, sounding reassuring. "What we talked about earlier, though...we're going to have to go ahead and do that, okay? It's been four days, you said, and that's really just about the safe limit." He flipped the blanket back over Nick, and detatched the IV line, leaving the needle in Nick's arm. "I'll send in a nurse with a gown for you, and I'll be back shortly. That's excellent, that you finished the jello...that's great to see." He smiled at Nick, and left the room, and Joey moved back to his place on the stool.

"Damn," said Nick under his breath, and all the relaxing that Joey had just done on his body went to waste as he tensed up all over again. He was doing everything they asked, still, but things just kept being bad. "Damn, Joey, I really don't want to do this ... "

"It'll be okay," Joey said, though he sounded less certain than he had before. He fidgeted a little, then crawled up onto the bed with Nick, sliding him carefully into his lap and wrapping around him. "Been wanting to do that for hours," he breathed in Nick's ear, even as he draped the blanket back over Nick. "Come on, relax. The doctor knows what he's doing, this will help you feel better. You know that, right? The kidney infection...that's not your fault. It'll be better soon."

"It has to be bad, to have to do this," said Nick, squeezing his eyes shut, grateful that Joey was holding him even though it hurt a little. "This is just one time, right? This is just until they kick in again? So I don't get sicker. Right, Joey?"

"You bet. Just until things start working right again, and I bet it'll make you feel a lot better. Get all those bad things out that your system hasn't been getting rid of." Joey kissed his ear, nuzzled into his hair. "Do you want me to stay, or go, when they do it. Whatever you want, baby."

"Oh, don't go!" said Nick quickly, his eyes flying open. "Please, Joey? I'm ... I know it'll be weird, but ... but I'm scared. Okay? I don't want to go through this alone." He clutched at Joey, as thought he'd slip out from under him if Nick gave him half the chance. "And ... and I'd be so bored. It takes forever. I guess ... I'm gonna be here longer than overnight, huh?"

"No, no, it won't be weird," Joey assured him, cuddling him close. "I just didn't want it to be strange for you. Believe me, after watching a baby be born, there's not much that can happen with the human body that phases me, any more. I'll be right here, if you want me." He sighed a little. "I think you're gonna be here longer than overnight, yeah. But dialysis, it only takes a couple of hours, right? And if you're feeling lots better tomorrow, I bet they let me take you home."

"I hope so," said Nick softly. "I really want to go home. Even if it's just two hours, that's a whole lot of ouch and boring, you know?" He sighed again, tried not to think about how it was gonna feel. "Can you see if you can get a phone in here? I ... I need to make some calls."

"Yeah. You bet." Joey kissed him again, stroked his hip gently, and moved him off his lap again. "I'm gonna call my mom, too, okay? And I'll be right back. I'll get a phone, and some more ice for you, and do you want anything else?" He stroked Nick's hair back, and settled the blanket over him again.

"Just to be better," said Nick ruefully. But at least they were really working towards that now. And in the hospital -- so little temptation to drink. It didn't help much, but it helped. "Tell you mom not to leave the reception, okay? I'm gonna be here for a while, she has lots of time."

"She doesn't have a cell, baby, I'm just gonna leave a message on the home machine." Joey bent down and kissed him again. "Otherwise, she gets home and we're not there and it's heart attack city. Just rest, I'll be back really soon." He was gone in a moment, leaving the room quiet and empty, with just the beeping monitors.

Even with the fever -- or maybe especially with the fever -- Nick felt a chill go through him. He didn't want to be alone in here, with just the cold, impersonal machines and no one here to make him feel okay about everything, make him feel like he *was* getting better, even if it didn't seem like it at the moment. He rubbed his arms briskly and wished for Joey -- or anyone, but mostly Joey -- to come back soon.

When Gina poked her head into the room, he actually smiled at her in relief, and she smiled back at him and pushed through the door. She had a hospital gown in one hand, and a tray of instruments he didn't want to look at too closely in the other. "You're looking much better, Nick. May I call you Nick? I've got a son about your age." She flipped back the blanket, and ignored Nick's attempts to cover himself. "Let's just get you into this, can you sit up a little?"

Nick managed to sit up, and it hurt a little but not as much as prodding him did. "Nick's good," he said quietly, giving up on any semblance of modesty. "I answer to Nick. Um. What does your son do?"

"He's a police officer," she said easily, slipping the gown over his arms and reaching around his back to do the ties. "He works here in the city, so I worry about him, but it's wonderful, the work he does. We're real proud of him." She pushed him gently back, and he reclined against the angled bed. "The doctor will be back soon, hon, about fifteen minutes. Do you want me to go get one of our male nurses to do the prep? It would be no trouble at all."

Nick just shook his head, though; it made no difference to him. "I already know you," he said with a little shrug, trying to relax again. "Why would I want to get someone else in here now? You've already seen pretty much all of me there is to see. Except on the inside. Well ... guess that's what's next anyway, huh?"

"Not quite yet," she patted his shoulder and pulled over a little cart, sitting on the stool by his hip. "They won't insert the catheter till they're all set to go, they want to keep the discomfort to a minimum. This will just be a little cold, and maybe sting just a bit." Nick closed his eyes as she went to work, wishing he was anywhere else.

"Hey there." Joey's voice made him jump, he hadn't even heard him come in. "Doing okay? Hi Gina. be careful with him, okay?"

"Well, I'm still here," said Nick, his heart sinking as he watched Gina work at him. He didn't want to be here. He wanted to be anywhere but right where he was, right then. "So I guess I'm doing okay. Are we getting a phone? Did you leave the message? Are you doing all right? Gina's son's a cop, did you know that? That's cool."

"That is cool," Joey's voice was calm and quiet. "I got the phone, it's right here, so as soon as she's done you can make your calls. I left a message for my mom, and I got a cup of coffee, so I'm all set for a while. Hey." He reached out and turned Nick's face with fingers on his chin, and looked right into Nick's eyes. Nick shuddered a short breath, because it *did* sting, some kind of antiseptic, and it was going to hurt worse, he knew. "So, tell me who you're gonna call. Anyone fun?" He smiled a little.

Nick smiled back, shakily. "The guys," he said quietly. "All of them. I mean ... each of them. Tell them where I am and what's going on before they get wind of it from somewhere else. And ... this ... this *will* get out, Joey. You know that. Maybe not today, but it will."

"I know. I was thinking...I don't know who handles this kinda thing for you, but for us, it's Lance, and he's really fuckin' good at it." Joey pulled Nick's head to his shoulder gently. "They're gonna know I'm here too, you know. I bet when Lance is done we were at some posh party and ate bad shrimp and we're here throwing up our guts or something. There will be eyewitnesses and everything, just you wait. I'll make sure he talks to your people, though." Gina finally pulled away, dropping his gown back over his lap and giving his leg a pat before she left quietly. "I think it's a good idea, calling them, though. The phone's here when you want it." His hand was running up and down Nick's arm, calming him.

"The fewer things i have to worry about, the better," said Nick, very happy to let Joey take care of that. "Even if what's going on gets out ... I got an infection, we're taking care of it, right? There's no stigma attached to that. People get sick sometimes. We just downplay all the months and years of crap I did to my body to get me here."

"We don't even mention drinking," Joey agreed. "It's an infection, people get them all the time for no reason at all, and nobody can say different." He reached over and pulled the table a little closer, and Nick could see the phone sitting there. "You've got long distance if you dial out on extension three. You sure you don't want to just call AJ and tell him to tell the others? Might be easier, in the short-term, at least."

"I'm gonna call AJ first," said Nick, reaching slowly for the phone, pausing to give Joey's arm a caress. "Then I'll decide. But ... I think they need to hear it from me. And hey ... I'm really sick, right? So they'll be easier on me than they would be if I came at them completely healthy ... However it happens, though, they need to know."

"Okay." Joey shifted a little, giving Nick room for the phone on the bed. "They'd better go easy on you, or they'll get a severe ass-kicking from me. But I'm sure it'll be fine. And I won't say a word, you can save that part of the announcement for Wednesday. Um. If you're back by then."

Nick shifted uncomfortably at the thought. "Right," he said finally, then gave Joey a quick kiss before dailing AJ's number. He figured AJ would probably be waiting right by the phone, given he was the only one that even knew half of what was going on, and Nick wasn't disappointed -- AJ answered on the first ring. "Hey," he said, trying to sound as well as he could. "It's me."

"Wow. You sound a SHITLOAD better," AJ said, first thing, relief clear in his voice. "How you doing, sugar boy? They figure out what's wrong with you? You okay?" Joey grinned and shook his head, clearly able to hear AJ's excitement.

"Yeah, well, I'm conscious now," said Nick, smiling back at Joey. "I'm bound to sound better. But listen AJ ... um ... there's some stuff we really need to talk about right now." He looked at Joey again for encouragement. "See ... I might be in the hospital for a while here. They're setting me up for dialysis."

"Really?" AJ's enthusiasm dropped a notch immediately. "Ouch, Nick. Dude, not fun at all. But...I'm guessing they need to, if they're doing it. What's that about? It can't be a detox thing, I've never heard of that being a side effect. How long is a while?"

"I guess ... I ended up getting a kidney infection," said Nick awkwardly. "I don't understand totally. Something about my immune system being compromised and the kidneys not getting their usual blood flow because of the dehydration. So ... I don't know how long. I guess it depends how long it takes for my kidneys to get kickstarted."

"So that's the reason you were passing out and shit? God, Nick. I was, man, I was having a heart attack here, I'm not kidding at all. So you're getting dialysis, I'm guessing they've got you on some hardcore meds. I hope that clears you up quick, because dude, you've gotta tell the guys. No way this stays quiet, no matter how hard we try. Is Joey staying with you?"

"Yeah, Joey's gonna be here as long as it takes," said Nick with a sigh, reaching out to touch Joey again. "I got a phone in my room so I can call everyone and do just that -- you just got to be first. Joey's working up a plan with Lance about how we're gonna spin this, too, and I just ... can you guys take care of that? I can't ... I just don't have the energy, AJ. It's gonna be hard enough just doing this, physically, plus talking to the guys ... "

"Absolutely," AJ said instantly and firmly. "I'll get that little freaker Bass on the phone asap. We'll handle it all, don't worry a bit. You just concentrate on getting better." He sighed. "You're gonna call the fellas, huh? You sure you don't want me to just give them a general heads-up, and then you can go into detail later? I don't think it'll be bad or anything, but you're still a little raspy, and there might be some chatting to be done. 'Specially with Kev."

"I know," said Nick, licking his lip, surprised when he actually managed to moisten them. "And I've thought about it, AJ. I thought about asking you to give them a heads up. But I'm gonna be sitting here on dialysis for hours so it's not like I have something else to be doing. And ... I dunno. I think it needs to come from me. All of it. I sure didn't plan on doing it right now, but I want to talk to them before anyone else does, about it. Even Kevin. How much can he yell if I tell him I'm in the hospital, right?"

"Not much," AJ admitted, surprising him with a chuckle. "Well, it's comforting to see that you've thought this all out, and if that's the way you wanna do it, then more power to you. At least it'll cut our meeting Wednesday a hell of a lot shorter. And Nicky? Remember, they do love you, even if they're pains in the asses about stuff." He was quiet for a minute, then went on. "Listen, though, if the dialysis is uncomfortable, too much to make calls, that offer of the heads up stands, okay? Just say the word."

"I'm pretty sure it's gonna be uncomfortable," said Nick, wincing just at the thought. "Thanks though, AJ. I ... might. I don't know yet. I'm leaving Kevin for last, anyway, so we'll see. He's gonna be the toughest. So yeah ... I'm doing okay, I guess. Hanging in there. Pretty much all I can do."

"Good for you. Yeah, that's all anyone can do, and you're doing it great, Nick." AJ sounded a little frustrated. "Listen, if you're there past noon tomorrow, I'm flying up, I already cleared it with Fatone. So keep hanging in there till then, okay, and I'll see you soon. I'm gonna go, clear the line. But I love you, kid. You're doing great."

"Thanks, AJ," said Nick. "Seriously, thanks. Um. You okay? Everything okay over there? Sorry ... I've been so self-absorbed for so long, man ... "

"I'm okay." AJ's tone was guarded. "Having some problems with Sarah, you know. But it's okay. Things are cool. I'm just worried about you, right now. We can get into my shit when you're back on your feet, over a nice glass of iced tea, by the pool. Tell Joey to treat you right, from me, okay?"

"Oh, man," said Nick with a sigh. "Listen, can I call you later, maybe? If you're free? To talk. I know I've been in a bad way, but ... I still wanna be here for *you*, AJ. But ... yeah. I'll tell him. Except I think he already knows."

"I'm always free for you, you know that. Call me any time. Love you, be good. Ciao, Nicky."

Nick mumbled his farewells, and hung up the phone, leaning into Joey, suddenly exhausted again.

"Hey you." Joey's arms wrapped around his waist. "You okay? What did AJ have to say?"

"He seems relieved," said Nick after a moment. "Not really surprised. I guess ... he's got his own stuff going on. And I've just been ... you know, all about me. All the time. Here I've been complaining about them not noticing what's going on with me and ... I've probably been worse."

"You shoulda heard him before. He was screaming at me and shit, on the phone, having a serious breakdown. He doesn't do 'worried' quietly, you know?" Joey smiled. "I think you're-" He broke off as the door swung open, and the doctor came in, a male nurse behind him pushing a dolly with a machine on it.

"All right, gentlemen. Nick, we're not going to draw this out, okay? Do you want Joey to stay? He'll need to get off the bed, though." Joey stood, but didn't let go of Nick's hand.

"He's staying," said Nick, quietly but firmly. He tried to quell the churning in his stomach as he saw the machine and really thought about what they'd be doing to him. "I'm not doing this alone." He rubbed his arm, feeling cold all over again, and looked up at the doctor. He knew he had to look as scared as he felt, but he didn't say anything more.

"All right." Dr. Morrison was brisk and businesslike, but he spared a moment for a comforting pat to Nick's shoulder. "It won't be so bad, once the insertion's over. That's the worst, and then it's just uncomfortable." Nick winced as the doctor snapped on his rubber gloves, and the nurse tied a surgical mask over his face. "Anyone not in masks needs to stay by Nick's head. Now, any sharp, extreme pain, you let me know immediately, okay?" Joey made a low sound in his throat when he saw what the doctor picked up, and squeezed Nick's hand hard.

"Yeah, you bet I will," said Nick immediately, chewing on his lip and trying really fucking hard not to cry. "Um .. how long's this gonna take? I really ... I don't know what's going on. I'm sorry." He closed his eyes, blocking everything and everyone out, and wished that he would be able to go away again, distance himself, be anywhere but right there.

"A couple of minutes, for the hard part. Then about two and a half hours for the dialysis, then you're done." The doctor was moving around, Nick could tell. "Okay, Nick, I need you to hold really still for me, okay? Squeeze Joey's hand, swear, do what you need to do, but no big movements for a couple of minutes, here. We've seen it all, nobody's gonna be shocked." There were little finger-taps up his thighs, the first one making him flinch despite everything, and then the doctor had him in his hand and Nick squeezed his eyes shut really really tightly.

"Fuck. Me," he said through gritted teeth, his eyes still tightly squeezed shut, his body painfully tense. He would be shocked if they managed to get anything done down there, with how tight he was, but obviously they were managing. "Joey?" He knew Joey was there, he just wanted to hear it, be reassured of it.

"Right here, babe. Not going anyplace. Man, you're doing great, Nick." Joey squeezed his hand, but Nick wasn't sure how he managed, given the clamp-hold Nick's own fingers had on him.

"Nick, please don't move," the doctor said, sounding absorbed. "Okay, good, first third done. Little break for you. Breathe, Nick, don't forget."

Joey's fingers rubbed his comfortingly as he sucked in air. "Hey, you okay?"

"I'm fine," said Nick instinctively. There were a lot of other words he would've rather used for how he was feeling. "This really fucking sucks, but I'm fine. And I'm not moving, I swear I'm not." He wasn't sure he'd ever held himself this rigid before in his life, actually. "So. Any chance I'm gonna be allowed any painkillers later, or is that right out of the question?"

"I'm afraid not, no painkillers," the doctor said regretfully, massaging his own hand before bending back down. "You're doing very well. I'm just going to finish this up, no more breaks, so we can get it over with. No moving again, please." Nick gritted his teeth again.

"Nick, baby, you're doing great." Joey's voice was admiring, if quiet. "I'd totally be screaming and threatening people with death by now. You're my hero. Hang in there, I think he's almost done..."

"I'm gonna scream soon, I think," said Nick, gritting his teeth again. "Or throw up, I'm not sure which." But he didn't do either, he just hung in there like he always did and rode it out. Mere discomfort was gonna be nothing next to this, he figured. Even a couple hours worth. "I can't believe this is happening to me," he murmured, closing his eyes again.

"All right." A final push and the doctor stood, hands empty, only it didn't really stop hurting. "It's going to take a little while to adjust, okay? You did very, very well. Usually by now there's been at least one scream. Ben?" He motioned to the nurse, who joined him. "Be sure to turn it every half hour, and be careful with the tubing, there's--"

"Holy shit," Joey said, pulling Nick's attention, what little of it wasn't occupied with keeping him from screaming, away from the doctor. "I cannot believe they got that in there. Is it better now? This, Nick, look at me, baby, can you? Are you okay?"

"I'm okay," Nick hissed out. "I'm never, ever going through that again, Joey. Fuck. I'll break my hand again first. I *mean* it." He breathed in and out a few times, quickly and deeply. "Okay," he said finally, squeezing Joey's hand and turning back to the doctor. "Is that it? What else do you have to do?"

"Just a needle," the doctor said, and there was an odd pressure in his abdomen, and he didn't want to look too closely to what they were doing. The nurse was fiddling with the machine, and then it started with a hum. "Try to stay as still as possible. Remember, that metal rod is stiff. Any gymnastics, and you'll poke yourself, and it won't feel good." He patted Nick's thigh, and moved up to Nick's elbow, the one without the IV. "This is just like drawing blood, only we're filtering and putting it back in." Nick barely even noticed the needle going in, or the movement when tubing was attatched to him, the machine, and then back to his IV.

"Wow. I think that is the most tubes I've ever seen coming out of a person," Joey said lightly, squeezing his hand hard.

"There you go. Ben will stay here and keep an eye on things, and I'll be back to check on you soon." The doctor smiled at him.

Nick smiled back, or tried to, but he didn't really feel much like smiling. "Well," he said after an moment. "Good thing I didn't get that feeding tube too, huh? That would've been just entirely too many tubes for one person to handle." He gave Joey's hand a squeeze, then turned awkwardly to Ben. "Um. Hey, Ben. I'm Nick."

"So I gathered," Ben smiled at him too. "Sorry to meet you in these kind of circumstances. Listen, do you need anything? I'm pretty much just gonna watch the machine and stay out of your way, but I've got other patients to check on on this hall too, so I'll be in and out." He checked the flow of blood in one tube, and changed the angle of the needle just a bit.

"God, JC would be in a coma right now," Joey muttered, still not letting go of Nick's hand. "Nick, you want anything?"

Nick shook his head slightly. "I don't think there's anything that's gonna make this any better," he said, exhaling softly, and for a long time. "So. I guess I just have to wait it out. Is it okay if I drink water, or ... I don't know. I don't know the rules for this."

He looked at Joey, his eyes still teary, his vision a little blurred from that. But he hadn't let any fall. He gave him a tender smile before turning back to Ben. It was so, so obvious that they were together; they might have to do damage control on that, too.

"You can drink water," Ben nodded. "I'll bring some back for you." He shot a glance at Joey, with one eyebrow raised. "I take it you'll be staying? Anything for you?"

"No thank you," Joey said, his voice silky and polite, and nodded at Ben as he left the room, looking back at them over his shoulder once. The minute the door closed, he was bent down over Nick, carefully avoiding the needles. "Oh, baby. Is it still hurting? You can tell me honest, it's just me. How you holding up?"

"Yeah. Fuck. It still hurts," said Nick honestly, letting what he was feeling show on his face. "Still hurts a *lot*, Joey. This is ... this is crazy. I can't believe I'm here. I can't believe this is happening. It was all so ... so ... I mean, I look now, and I see it all along, but it still feels like it happened all at once, and ... and ... " And he felt like he was gonna cry. Still. Or maybe again.

"Oh, Nick." Joey stroked his cheek with a finger, then kissed his nose and mouth and a tear that had escaped. "It does feel crazy, and sudden. It's okay to freak out a little bit. You can, it's okay. And I'm so sorry you're hurting. It'll help, though. Just a while, a couple of hours, and you'll feel better. Just, hold real still, breathe. Can I do anything to help?"

Nick shook his head and sniffled. "I'm just really fucking scared," he admitted softly. "I'm ... I don't think I'm gonna freak out. And I don't think I'm gonna go away again. I just really, really want this all to be over. Every time I think it's starting to get better, something else happens. And ... and I still have to call the other guys. I just need a few minutes, first."

"Yeah, don't go away again," Joey said softly. "Yell and scream and hit me if you want, but don't just...disappear like that." He settled back onto his stool with a sigh, gently brushing Nick's hospital gown back over his lap, carefully not touching anything. "Take all the time you need, baby. It's okay to be scared, but remember, they're fixing you now. They're making you better, you're getting healthy. Just breathe, and relax a little, before you start worrying about phone calls. You still look...brittle."

"I'm not gonna break," said Nick firmly, surprising himself with his resolve. "I made it this fucking far, I am *not* gonna break now. I did this to myself and i'm damn well gonna get myself out of it. I just ... you know, needed some people to help my body handle it. Help *me* handle it, I guess. And that's it. It's as simple as that. Right?"

"Yep," Joey nodded firmly, smiling at him again. "You're *getting* yourself out of it. Present tense. You're fucking amazing, how strong you are with this. Nobody can know everything, or do everything. That's why we've got doctors and roadies and friends and psychiatrists. You're doing it on your own, but there's nothing wrong with calling in a little support. You're not gonna break, no way."

"I don't know what I'm scared of," Nick went on to say. "If I can handle *this*? Everything that's gone on in the last few days? I can handle Kevin with my eyes closed and one hand tied behind my back. He's nothing. His opinion is not the be all and end all of me." He wouldn't, however, say the same about his mother. But he didn't have to deal with his mother any time soon, thank god.

"Amen, boy." Joey gave him a smacking kiss on the mouth, then sat back and just beamed at him. "You can deal with *this*, " his hand wave encompassed the dialysis machine and everything else, "you really can handle anything that comes along. God." He looked down, still smiling, and shook his head. "It's ridiculous, how in love with you I am."

"I still don't get that," said Nick with a shy grin, "but I'm really glad that you are. I'd hate to be the only one here that's ridiculously in love. Thank you. I'm ... I'm just gonna keep on fighting and I *am* gonna get through this, dammit ... but I don't think I ever could've done it without you here. You probably saved my life or something. That's pretty fucking big."

Joey snorted. "I don't know about that. You would have figured it out eventually, and it takes a lotta years to get cirrhosis." He grinned back at at Nick, then tilted his head at the phone. "If you want to make those calls, I'd do it while Ben's out of the room. Since I'm guessing they're private. I can go, if you want, even."

Nick wasn't sure he wanted Joey to go, but he didn't want to make him stay, either. "Well, you have to call Lance, right?" he said finally. "Maybe we could both get our calls done. But ... but I need you here for the last one, for Kevin. I don't want to be doing that one alone. But I have to do Howie and Brian first and ... that's probably gonna take a while. Even the short version's kinda long."

"There's a phone in the hall," Joey said thoughtfully. "That way, all you gotta do is say my name and I can be back in here in under a second. For any reason, Kevin call or unexpected ouch or whatever. You think you'll be okay for a little while? I hate leaving you in here all by yourself."

"I can call a nurse, too, if I have to," said Nick reassuringly. "Better to get this done right away, right? While I'm still feeling mostly okay, even with the ouch. And hey, I'll call Howie first. He already kinda knows what's up, and he'll be pretty gentle, I think. Does that sound good? You might wanna call AJ back again, too, just to let him in on how this is happening."

"I'll call AJ, I'll call Lance, and, shit, Kelly, and I've gotta call Justin back before the kid has some kind of fit." Joey smiled at him. "I think starting with Howie's a great idea. He's a sweetheart, he'll be a good warmup. But I'll be right outside the door, for real. You don't even have to yell, just...talk loudly." He kissed Nick carefully again. "Don't forget, no moving around." He put the phone right by Nick's hand. "Dude, shit. You can't bend your arms. Here." He took the reciever and put it by Nick's ear on the pillow. "Now you just have to dial."

"I'm not *that* restricted," protested Nick, but truth be told, he didn't really want to test out that theory. So he smiled his thanks and blew Joey a kiss. "I'll call you if anything happens. But I should be fine. Unless I drop the phone. I'll see you soon, baby, okay?"

"Yeah, don't drop the phone. That would seriously interrupt the conversation." Joey winked at him as he left the room, and Nick smiled for a moment, before thinking hard and dialing Howie's number. Very carefully.

"Hello?" Howie's voice, always light and soft and cautious, and Nick realized this number would look very strange on caller ID.

"Hey, D, it's Nick," he said right away, so that Howie wouldn't hang up on him. This number wasn't given out to anyone, which was the reason Howie would've answered it in the first place without recognizing the caller, but occasional these things got leaked. "How are you doing?"

"Nick? Oh, hi." Relief threaded through Howie's voice, and Nick remembered the hassle last time he'd had to change his number. "Why are you calling me from...wherever is a 718 area code and...St. Innocent's Hospital?" Howie suddenly sounded much more alert. "What's...are you okay? Is AJ okay? What's going on?"

"Just ... it's okay," said Nick, just as quickly as the last time. "You're sitting down, right? Cause ... huh. Okay. Guess I'll start this in the middle of the story instead of the beginning. I'm in New York. And I'm in the hospital. And I'm gonna be *okay*, all right, Howie? I just ... just wanna be clear on that, right of the top."

Howie sucked in an audible breath. "You're going to be okay," he repeated, sounding stunned. "You're going to be okay. Okay. Nick, oh, what happened, please be okay."

"It's ... a long story and I don't even know where to start," said Nick, with a sigh of both frustration and relief. Relief that it was going well so far, frustration that he'd hardly even started yet. "Well. Okay. Technically I'm here for acute kidney failure. I'm on dialysis at the moment. Don't freak out."

Howie was clearly in no mood to obey, because the sound that came out of his mouth could only be classified as a squeak. Possibly a scream, though it wasn't really very loud. "What?? What? Oh my goodness, Nick. Oh, man. Are you...you said you were going to be okay, you promised, what on EARTH is going on?"

"Okay, that's the freaky part over with," Nick promised him. "Um. I think. I mean ... obviously I'm doing okay so far. Uncomfortable as hell, but I'm lying here talking to you. So. Um. You probably figured out that I stopped drinking. From when we were at that thing a few days ago? Haven't touched a drop since then. And ... it's kinda wreaking havoc on my body so far. But now that I'm here at the hospital they're taking care of me and I'm doing okay."

"Nick, what the hell are you doing in New York?" Howie sounded frantic and frazzled, his voice even higher than usual. "And wreaking havoc? What kind of havoc? You're in dialysis NOW? Nicky...oh, that's wonderful about the drinking, good for you, but...kidney failure?"

"It's just temporary," insisted Nick. "See, 'cause of the dehydration from when I was detoxing and not keeping any food down, I was all run down and ... I have this kidney infection. They're clearing it up, I swear. I'm gonna be fine. So ... New York? Right. Um. Well, Joey's cousin was getting married, so we came up for the wedding. And yes, I know, it sounds really stupid that I flew up here while I was detoxing, but ... it was important. And I needed to get away, too."

"Okay." Howie breathed deeply again, and seemed to calm down. "Okay. You're...a doctor is taking care of you. Clearly. You're going to be...everything will be fine. They can fix an infection, I know, and, and you'd tell me, if it was bad. And...you're in New York with Joey? You two are together?" He actually chuckled a little. "I love it when I'm right."

Nick finally smiled again. "Yeah, we're together," he said happily, looking at the door and knowing Joey was right outside it. "Ridiculously in love, in fact. He's ... he's been great, Howie. I wouldn't've held it together without him, seriously. This has been really fucking rough, this getting sober thing. I ... I just had no idea, that I was in this bad of shape. Didn't really see what I'd done to myself, 'til now."

"I remember," Howie said sadly. "From AJ. He tried to quit once, by himself, you know. It didn't last very long." He sighed. "I don't...you're sick, and I don't wanna get into blame or sorrys or anything right now, we have time for that later, but...I'm sorry I kept taking you out and buying you beer. I really didn't know, I mean, I knew you were drinking more, but I didn't know it was so bad. And I'm sorry. And I think it's great what you're doing, and I'm real proud of you. And Joey...I don't know if it's who I'd pick for you, but you're a good kid, K. You deserve happy love."

"You just have to get to know him," insisted Nick. "He really is ... you wouldn't believe how good we are together, Howie. For serious. If it weren't for him ... I probably wouldn't have even tried to get sober. And with everything else that was already going wrong with my body ... well, I'd be in even worse shape. I'm so far underweight I think they're surprised I'm still able to lug myself around. And Howie ... I'm not blaming anyone for this anymore.That's the easy way out. I just blame myself now."

"Well, I'm glad you're good together," Howie said noncomittally. "And if he's the one that prompted you...and you were in shape that bad...I guess we owe the guy some thanks. Big thanks." He sighed. "That underweight? I know you were getting thin...I was gonna say something about it, but...you wear too many clothes, Nicky. I could never tell if it was just in my head. Are they...are you gonna...are they going to help with that, too?"

"I ... guess," said Nick, actually eyeing his body for a moment before turning away and even closing his eyes to avoid it. "That's a whole big other mess, I guess. I'm not even sure what's happening there, except somehow I got myself into this state and somehow I gotta get myself out of it. Did you ... did *you* see anything different about me?" he asked. "Not just about how I was drinking, but about how I was eating and stuff?"

"Well, when you started dieting I noticed, you know I did, I told you you didn't need to," Howie said, thoughtfully. "But then...man, you just kinda went away from us there, when AJ went to rehab, after you told us about that guy. I guess I never really saw you eating much, but I didn't really see you much at *all*, you were hangin' out with those other guys whenever we were getting together. I dunno. But before that, it wasn't *unhealthy* or nothing. As far as I could see."

"I don't remember that," said Nick honestly, sighing, trying to block out how uncomfortable he was feeling. It wasn't working. "About you telling me I didn't need to. I ... things got really messed up, Howie. I'm sorry. I'm really scared now."

"Hey, man, it's okay." Howie's voice was soft and concerned. "It'll be okay, right? You're in the hospital, they're taking real good care of you, I bet. Don't be scared. It'll be okay. They're getting not-so-messed up, now, like with AJ. If he can do it, you can do it."

"Yeah," murmured Nick, taking a deep breath and convincing himself that he *could*, he *could* do this. Just because he hadn't made it all the way on his own didn't mean he couldn't do it. "Yeah, I'm gonna be okay. I know I am. It's gonna be rough, but I can do it. I just ... we need to take a break, Howie. I can't go back to work on Wednesday, I don't think. I'm not good for anything right now."

"Okay, that's cool that's cool." Howie sounded tentative. "Did you...have you told Kevin yet? Because he's gonna want to reschedule the meeting, I mean, it wasn't going to be *work* really, just a meeting to figure out schedules and stuff...I know it'll be okay, I mean, you're sick. And we want you to get better. And you will. It'll be okay."

"Kevin doesn't know," said Nick, feeling those prickly nerves all over again, feeling his stomach clench violently. "Kevin doesn't know any of it yet. I haven't ... you know how Kevin is. This isn't gonna go well, I don't think. He's not gonna be happy that I'm ... sick ... and he's *really* not gonna be happy about Joey. I'm kinda leaving him for last."

"He won't be MAD mad," Howie said, sounding a little more confident, at least. "More just like...I mean, after AJ we all said...he might be a little mad, but only because he'll be worried. You know? Don't be too scared. And, like, you're far away, and if he starts yelling or something you can hang up, you know? You're in the hospital, though. I bet he won't yell." He laughed again. "And is Joey there? Like, there, there? At the hospital with you? Because I bet he won't let Kevin yell either. Did I tell you about that fight me and AJ saw him get in that one time? He's nasty."

"Yeah, he's here," said Nick, feeling better just thinking about that, about Joey being just outside his door. "Of course he's here, he's not going anywhere. He just making his own calls right now, trying to do some, you know, damage control on this whole thing. Kevin would probably yell anyway, until i told him i'm horribly pathetic and hooked up to a bunch of machines right now. Lucky I'm not on a feeding tube. Yet."

"Well, if you were you wouldn't be calling him anyway, so it wouldn't matter too much," Howie pointed out. "Is Joey getting Lance on the job? I hear he's really good at that."

As if summoned by the mention of his name, Joey stuck his head back in the door, looking at Nick with raised eyebrows. He mouthed "are you okay?" and waited.

Nick nodded at him and blew him a kiss. He even smiled, a little; he was okay so far, anyway. "Yeah, he's talking to Lance," he told Howie. "Between him and Lance and AJ, they're gonna work this out. I've kinda ... I've been in touch with AJ, all along. He's helped a little. A lot."

"That's good. AJ's good, like that, he's really sweet, helping friends out." Howie was smiling, Nick could tell. "And I bet he's real happy for you, too, right? I mean, not that you're sick, but that you're quitting? I think it's great, Nick, I do. I think I'm gonna not drink any more either. It's not good, and it'll maybe help you guys too."

"That's ... that's really cool, Howie," said Nick, taken aback by the offer. "Like, *seriously* cool. I'm gonna be really shaky about this whole thing, for the next while. The whole not drinking thing. And I bet AJ would be pretty happy about it, too. Thank you."

"Well, it's the least I can do. I'm just, I feel really bad, Nick, that you're the whole long way up there and we can't help at all. You know? Is there anything...do you need anything?" Joey had pushed his way all the way into the room, and moved to Nick's side, touching his face with light fingers. "I mean," Howie went on, "I know there's not much I CAN do, but anything you want, Nick, you just gotta ask."

"I'm doin' okay," said Nick softly, looking up at Joey. "I just ... just really need your support. That's all I'm gonna ask, Howie. Joey's takin' real good care of me, I just need you to tell me that it's okay. You're okay with it. That we're gonna work this through."

"You know it, Nick," Howie said softly, sincerely. "We'll be okay. We've been through an awful lot, you know. We can do it. And you can definitely do it. You're our sweet Nick, of course you have my support. And you tell Joey if he doesn't take good care of you...I'll be...really really mad. Okay?"

Joey smiled down at Nick, and then looked pointedly at the door and at his watch, and whispered "Nurse is outside," before wiggling his fingers and mouthing "hi Howie."

"Joey says hi," said Nick, smiling back at him and nodding. "I'll pass on the message. I think they need to check up on me now, Howie, so I gotta go. I'll be in touch, okay? And I haven't called Brian and Kevin yet so just ... wait, before you say anything to them. At least a couple hours."

"Okay," Howie said, voice still soft. "Okay. Feel better soon, Nick, okay? And I won't say anything to anybody, not till you say it's all right. But just...stay in touch, please. Let us know what's going on. And are you still coming home wednesday, even if not to go to the meeting? It would be good to have you home. Just close. And with our doctors, you know?" He laughed a little. "Okay, I'm rambling. Bye bye, Nick. Get better soon."

"I'll let you know when I know more," Nick promised him. "Thanks Howie. I'll talk to you soon. Bye." He disconnected the call, then waited for Joey to replace the receiver. "Hey baby. They need to do something painful to me again, huh?"

"Hey baby hey baby hey." Joey leaned down for a soft kiss. "I don't know, I think he might just be bringing you water. Hopefully that won't hurt too bad." He looked back at the door and nodded, and Ben came through the door, carrying a water glass and what looked like a small pitcher full of ice. "See, non-painful."

"Non-painful," Ben nodded. "I've just got to check everything, make sure it's all running smooth. It's better if you suck on the ice, but if you really want water you can have a small cup." He handed the pitcher to Joey, and moved around Nick, checking his IV and all the various tubes and needles and machines.

"Ow," said Nick softly, feeling a few sharp spikes of pain and things were moved and jostled. It wasn't anyone's fault, it just happened. "So, everything okay, then?" he asked tentatively as Ben worked. "Nothing's messing up or anything? Cause god knows I've had enough of that, lately."

"Nope. Working like a dream," Ben assured him, covering him up again and moving away to fiddle with some knobs on the machine. "How's everything feeling? Any severe pains, anything out of the ordinary?"

"I'm not even sure what ordinary *is*," said Nick with a heavy sigh, leaning in Joey's direction. "But no, nothing I think is worth mentioning. i'm pretty sure it's supposed to hurt a little where things as sticking out of me, right?"

"Yeah, that's pretty much expected," Ben said with a smile, even as Joey wrapped an arm around Nick's shoulders and slid a comfortable hand down his side. Nick rested against him gratefully. "Anything strange or stabbing, though, you give a holler. Right now everything looks great." He left the room quietly, leaving Joey to bend down for another kiss.

"So, how was it with Howie? I didn't hear any yelling, and you were smiling. That's good, right?"

"He was good," said Nick, feeling thankful for small blessings. "He was surprised, about the drinking, like I figured he would be. But not surprised about you and me. Which we *also* figured on. And ... he says he's gonna stop drinking. For me and AJ."

"Oh, man, that's great," Joey said, sounding surprised and pleased. "I always knew I liked that guy. So, you've just got Brian, well, half-Brian, and then Kevin, right? And then you're all done. Which is good, because it's getting a little late and my mama's gonna be in here like a bear with a cub as soon as she gets home and gets that message. How you feeling? I mean, besides all the needles and stuff. How's the stomach, your head?"

"The stomach ... isn't so great," admitted Nick, feeling it clench mildly again. "But everything's staying down, so far. I don't think I can throw up right now anyway, I'd pull some tubes out. The head is doing it's usual throb, which I'm all too used to now. So yeah ... Brian, which I can do quick, I think. And then. Fuck. Kevin."

"Easy," Joey said quietly. "It'll be okay, don't go all tight." He rubbed soothingly at Nick's side, pulling him closer. "Brian already knows about the drinking, all you gotta do is tell him 'that guy you don't know the name of is Joey' and hang up, pretty much. And Kevin, I'll be right here for that. It'll be fine. Then you're done, and we can just concentrate on you."

"So AJ's coming up tomorrow, I guess," said Nick, taking some deep breaths and calming himself down before he had to face the call with Brian. "I really don't think we can stop him now without tying him down or something. Unless I can get Howie to convince him to wait for me to come home. But that'll be okay. That'll be good. He'll freak a little, seeing me all like this, but that's okay."

"You want him here?" Joey's hand was still making gentle sweeps over his skin. "Because if not, I bet we can figure out a way to keep him gone. He's more than welcome, but not if he's gonna be a pain in the ass for you. And remember, if he's here tomorrow you'll be missing half these tubes, and hopefully a little more lively. He shouldn't freak too bad. You're already looking a lot better, you know."

"He'd be bored, if he came," said Nick. "He'd get restless. And there's not much he can do for me anyway -- it would mostly just be to reassure himself that I'm alive and I'm doing okay. So yeah, if we can get Howie to keep him down there, that's probably better. But if he does come, he won't be a pain in the ass."

"I'm sorry, you just said bored, restless, AJ, and not-a-pain-in-the-ass all at the same time, and I just can't understand that." Joey snickered. "So, we should call in the troops, get Howie to sit on him or something. Hoo boy, that would be a sight." He poured some water into a paper cup, and held it to Nick's mouth. "Don't move your arms, you'll joggle the needles. You want me to stay here for Brian's call? Oh! I talked to Lance, he's got it completely under control. Or he will, once he talks to Jive and your people."

"Thanks, Joey," said Nick, taking a tiny sip of the water. "You can stay if you want. If you don't have anything else you need to be doing. Like calling Howie and telling him to sit on AJ." He gave him a grin. "I think i'm ready to call him now. This is gonna be pretty undramatic, but I can't imagine I'm gonna be too happy, after."

"Oh, Howie, right," Joey nodded, sliding to his feet, already comfortable and easy, avoiding all the medical paraphenalia. "Should probably do that before McLean wastes all his hard-earned money on a plane ticket. If Howie's really nice, I might even give him some tips." He winked at Nick, and then kissed him. "Okay. Non-dramatic is good, but you call me in right after if I'm not here, okay?"

"I promise," said Nick. "If I don't holler for you in the middle, I'll call you right after. But don't worry, this isn't the hard one yet. And ... if you're giving Howie tip on how to sit one AJ ... first of all I'm pretty sure that's not necessary and second ... I don't wanna know how you know about it."

"I know all, I see all." Joey snickered again, looking gleeful. "Just you remember that. Plus, AJ is just about the shittiest liar ever." He put the phone back up to Nick's ear, with a mock-stern "remember, no needle-jogging. The less you move, the smaller the bruises'll be. I don't want these nice people thinking I'm beating you or something." With a last wink and grin, he was out the door.

Nick took a few more deep breaths, then dialed Brian's number before he could lose his nerve. This wasn't going to be so bad -- just like he knew that the call to Kevin probably wasn't going to be as bad as he was making it out to be -- but it was still stressful as hell.

The phone rang so many times he was afraid it was going to voicemail, and he panicked briefly, wondering what the hell he was going to do then. Then Brian's voice, breathless like he'd been running. "Hey, hello, this is Brian?"

"Brian?" said Nick tentatively, even though he'd already just said that. "Um, hey, it's Nick. Sorry, did I catch you at a bad time?"

"Nick?" Brian's breathing slowed. "No, man, I just left the phone downstairs, I couldn't figure out where it was. Almost missed you. Um. What's up?"

"Just ... keeping you up to date on how I'm doing, I guess," he said awkwardly, wishing he could fidget. Fidgeting would've helped the nervousness, a little. "So yeah. I'm kinda in the hospital now."

"WHAT?" Brian had a high voice too, and Nick winced. "The hospital? Which hospital? Why? Nick, are you okay? Does Jive know?"

"Jive knows," said Nick, taking another deep calming breath. "It was one of their doctors that got me here. Beyond that, other people are working out the details. Listen Bri, I'm gonna be okay. I am. There were just a few complications, from stopping drinking, among other things ... "

"What kind of complications?" If Howie had been soft and worried, Brian was like steel. "Tell me, Nick, no bullshit. Are. You. All. Right?"

"I'm pretty sick," he said honestly, knowing Brian would accept nothing less. "I got a kidney infection and I'm in acute kidney failure right now. I'm in dialysis as we speak. But they're taking care of it and I'm going to be fine. That's the bottom line, Brian. I'm not doing good, but it's being taken care of."

"How bad is the kidney failure?" Brian kept pushing. "It's great to hear that it's going to be all right, Nick, but I want details. Are you on medication? Are they going to start working again?" He softened a little. "Dialysis? Shit, Nick. Details, man. Don't make me beg."

"It's temporary," Nick promised him, really, really hoping he was right about that. "They just need to clear the infection up, so I'm on some pretty heavy antibiotics, I think. This should be the only time they need to do the dialysis -- my kidneys should start working on their own again, soon. That's all they've told me, Brian."

"Okay. That's good. What's the name of your doctor, I wanna talk to him. Or her, whatever." He groaned. "Man. Nick. I had no idea...it's a kidney infection? That doesn't usually happen with detoxing. Oh, shit. Are you there by yourself? How did this happen? Who's with you?"

"One thing at a time, Brian," said Nick, licking his lips and wishing he could reach the ice chips. "as for how it happened -- I'm not totally clear on it, on the medical stuff. I guess ... I was really dehydrated, right? From being so sick from not drinking. Which both weakens my immune system and makes my ... kidneys and whatever else down there, more prone to stuff like this. Cause I'm not using them, haven't in a while. And the fact that I'm ... I'm really, really underweight, i think that didn't help at all. You'll probably want to ask the doctor about all that stuff. I wasn't entirely conscious when they were telling us."

Brian was silent for a while, processing in that way he always did. Nick figured he was probably pacing, too. "Okay, so we've got separate issues. The detoxing, and the underweight, which, damn, I knew you were getting thin, but not that thin. Okay. And they've got you on meds, that's good. I'll ask the doctor about the details, what's the name there? And Nick...man, if you're there all alone...wait, is AJ there?"

"I'm getting to that," Nick promised him shakily. "First of all, it's Dr. Morrison. I'll get you his number before I let you go, I promise. Or give him yours, if that's cool. Second ... yeah. there's someone here with me. Not AJ. I ... I told you i was seeing someone now. And that we're here, in New York."

"They're with you there?" Brian's voice was sharp. "Nick...I know, you told me, and I know you're in New York, but...Nick. How well, honestly, do you know this guy? Is it...you said you weren't all conscious. Is he safe?"

"Safe as they come," said Nick, and even though he was on the verge of telling *Brian*, he still smiled at the thought of him. "Since he's under pretty much all the same contracts and gag orders we are. Look ... don't freak out and don't make a big deal and ... yeah, don't freak out. But it's Joey. Fatone."

Absolute silence on the other end of the line, and Nick wished desperately that he could fidget, have a drink, *something*. "Joey. Fatone." Brian finally said evenly. "From N Sync. Father of one, notoriously promiscuous, so far out of the closet that he probably can't remember what a hangar looks like? Are we thinking of the same person here, Nick?"

"Well, yes," said Nick, biting back a few other things he wanted to say, "except I actually know him and you're just spitting out the reputation. He's been here with me the whole time, Brian. He's just about the best thing that's ever happened to me. And god ... was I the *only* person not to know Joey was gay?"

"Apparently," Brian sighed. "So the mystery man is Joey Fatone. Oh, man, Nick. You couldn't have picked...one of O-Town? It had to be someone from N Sync? And that reputation...Nick, I don't know him that well, but I have been around for quite a while. He deserves a lot of it."

"Don't you dare," said Nick, surprising himself with the growl in his voice. "Don't you *dare*, Brian, you don't know the first thing about him. I didn't just go out and *pick* him, you know, I didn't go out and decide, oh, I think I'm gonna piss the guys off and go find myself a nice boy from nsync. It doesn't work that way."

"Uh-huh." Brian sounded unimpressed, and Nick was reminded once again that he'd practically been raised by this person. "Well, you probably didn't pick him, I'll give you that much. But hey, I don't wanna fight with you about Joey, not right now, you're sick, and he's there with you, and good for him. That's...at least you're not by yourself." He sighed again. "Have you told Kevin any of this yet?"

"No," said Nick sullenly. "Unfortunately, he's next. I just ... let me tell you something, Brian, and you just *listen* to me, okay? Joey's the one that noticed that something was going on with me, that I wasn't doing so great. Joey's the one that helped me stop drinking. And Joey's the one that's stuck by me for every moment of this little hell I've been going through for the last few days. So how about you take *that* into consideration before you go and pass judgment on him, okay?"

"I...it'll be hard," Brian said, and Nick could hear the honesty in his voice. "I've seen him out, Nick. And I know what I know. But listen, if he's good for you, and he sounds like he is...I'll try, okay? That Joey that you're talking about doesn't sound much like the Joey I know. Maybe you're special, maybe he changed, I don't know. But I'll try."

"Thank you," said Nick softly, knowing he couldn't have asked for anything more right then, knowing he'd already gotten a little too worked up over this, enough that his stomach was cramping badly. "He's an amazing person, Brian, and you oughta know better than most that you really shoudln't believe everything you hear about a person, or even everything you see. Anyway ... yeah, that's the situation."

"Okay. Okay." Brian sighed again. "Damn, Nick. I am just worried sick over here, you know? How did this *happen*-okay, a conversation for another time. I'll get in touch with that Dr. Morrison, get the scoop. And hey, you know. If Joey makes you happy, man...it'll be okay. I'm just gonna have to see it myself, you know?"

"I know," said Nick with a sigh. "I know, Brian, just keep an open mind about it is all. He's done amazing things for me and I'm in love with him. And don't give me shit about that, okay? I know what I feel and why and he deserves it. So ... you want me to get Dr. Morrison's number for you now, or is there anything else you wanna know?"

"No, that's it, I'll get the doc's number from Jive. You hangin' in there?" Brian's voice had softened again, to the tone that Nick remembered from when he used to call him Frick and tickle him and chase him around the bus. "I'm not giving you shit, I swear. Just worried about you, kid."

"You should be," admitted Nick reluctantly, wishing there was some way -- any way -- he could get more comfortable. "It's pretty fucking awful, Brian. But I'm hanging in there. I'm surviving. And I've always been a stubborn shit so you know if I set my mind to it I'm gonna do it."

"Awww, man." Brian's accent always thickened when he was upset. "That bad, huh? I remember, from the surgery...the catheter was just about the worst part of the whole thing, and I'm not even pretendin'. How's the rest of you, though? You're stubborn as the day is long, I know that for sure, so you just keep bein' strong."

"Doin' the best I can," said Nick, finally starting to relax a little. "It's that bad -- and you ain't kidding about the catheter -- but I guess it could be worse. It's weird, lying here watching this big fuckin' machine clean my blood out 'cause my body crapped out and can't do it anymore. If I ever needed something to put a scare into me ... this is it. I ... I got a lot of problems to sort out, Brian, but I'm gonna do it. I swear."

"Good. Good for you, Nick." Brian sounded like he was maybe even smiling a little. "Damned if there isn't anything scarier than endin' up in the hospital, it's enough to scare you sober and healthy, huh?" Nick could hear a screen door swing open, and Leighanne's voice. "Okay. Okay, kiddo, I gotta run, make that call to the doctor before it gets too late. You be good. And hang in there."

"Thanks, Brian," said Nick, relief washing over him again. "I'll keep in touch, or someone will if I can't call. Thanks for ... whatever. Everything. I'll talk to you soon. And give Leigh a kiss for me too, would you?"

"Don't gotta tell me twice." Brian answered. "You call, no matter what. I wanna hear your voice, even if it's just to say you're still alive and kicking. Soon, you hear?"

"If I can, you know I will," Nick promised him. "From now on ... gonna let you know what's going on. Later, Brian."

"Okay, Nicky. Later." He hung up the phone, and Nick just held the reciever, not wanting to bend his arms, not wanting to move at all. The beep of the off-the-hook tone had him calling for Joey, though, who slid through the door a few moments later.

"Wow. Two down, one to go, huh?" He took the phone from Nick and hung it up, mercifully ending the beeping. "How was it?"

"I think I'm gonna throw up," said Nick matter-of-factly, biting down on his lip so he wouldn't. As though that would somehow hold it back, somehow influence the relentless clenching of his stomach muscles against the invader inside. "It went well, and ... I really think I'm gonna throw up."

"Dammit." Joey had a basin ready in an instant, though, had clearly been briefed by someone on what to do, here, and he held it ready as he stroked Nick's hair. "Oh, baby. Deep breaths, can you try?"

Nick sucked in deep breaths through clenched teeth. "I *am* trying," he gritted out, all his muscles tensing up as he struggled to keep that little bit of food in his body. "Trying as hard as I can, Joey, I don't want to be sick ... "

"Nick, Nick, you gotta relax, you're fighting too hard." Joey's voice was calm. "If it's gonna come up, it's gonna come up, and tensing is just gonna make it worse." He was right there when Nick shook his head helplessly and just let go, and he never stopped stroking Nick's hair. "There you go. Deep breaths, try not to move so much, sweetheart, okay? That has to hurt."

Nick just whimpered and felt helpless and dirty and more pathetic than he had since the whole thing had started. He couldn't do a damn thing for himself right then and he felt sick and he hurt and everything, just everything, was going wrong for him. "Water," he mumbled out and closed his eyes against the whole thing again.

"Here you go." The ice was cool against his mouth, and he sucked on it eagerly. "There you go. Work on that for a second, okay?" He kept his eyes closed, so when he felt the touch of the warm cloth on his face, he startled. "Shhh." Joey was almost humming. "Just relax. Let me take care of you."

Nick wasn't relaxed yet, though, his whole body was still a ball of knots, even though there was less than nothing in his stomach to bring up, now. And that really, really wasn't good. "On the bright side," he rasped out, his throat feeling raw again, "Brian took it pretty well."

"That's good. That's real good. No screaming or swearing or hellfire and brimstone?" Joey finished wiping his face and throat and shoulders, and then held another ice cube to his lips. "Come on, relax, just a little. Breathe, Nick, nice and slow. Let it go. It'll be okay."

There wasn't even any way that that Nick could hide himself, shrink away from everything. He was out in the open, exposed, and there was nothing he could do about it. "A little slander, maybe," he said finally, breathing in and out and in and out. "Nothing worse than that."

"Slander, huh?" Joey sounded amused. "From Brian Littrell? And here I thought he'd be above all that." He dropped the cloth and set the basin away, stroking Nick's shoulder and easing him back against the pillows. "There you go. Everything feeling okay? Nothing poking you funny? That was a lot of moving." He pushed Nick's hair out of his eyes, leaving that hand on his face and leaning close so Nick could see the worry and love in his eyes.

Nick tried to relax, and just winced. "I think ... I think everything is still in the right place," he said finally, and promptly fell silent again. Talking hurt, his throat was so, so raw, and he couldn't do anything about it, couldn't even touch it. He couldn't ever remember feeling more helpless than this.

"What do you need?" Joey lifted the cup to his mouth, and he sipped gratefully. "Do you need anything? Don't talk if you don't need to, you sound all raspy again." Joey pulled the water away after just one sip, though. "Relax. Just, let the muscles ease down."

Nick was trying to relax, but the more he tried, the less relaxed he got. That was always the way it seemed to work. "Stomach hurts," he said finally, letting the words drag out of his throat. That wasn't all that hurt, but that was the worst. "Okay." Joey stroked his throat with gentle fingers, looking helpless. He couldn't really rub Nick, not the way he was hooked up to all the tubes, and couldn't even reach more than his arms. "I don't...I can't help you, baby. Just...can you think about something else? Oh, I talked to Howie. He's awful quiet, huh? And I told him to sit on AJ and I could *hear* him blush, all the way from Florida. Sweet guy. I think I scared him."

"You talked to Howie?" said Nick without thinking, surprised that he'd actually gone and done it. He'd actually thought that Joey was kidding when he said he was going to do that. "He's not ... not always quiet. Just when he's flustered."

"Well, yeah. You told me to, and everything." Joey smiled at him, and tempted him with another ice cube. "He says he'll do what he can, but not to be too surprised if AJ shows up anyway, because AJ is 'an unbelievable pain in the ass when he wants something.'" Joey's voice went up high and breathy, imitating Howie's, and he chuckled a little. "We agreed on that, at least."

Nick smiled a little and took the ice cube between his lips. "He is," he had to agree, then coughed involuntarily and it hurt like *hell* for a moment. "Sorry, um." He took a deep, careful breath before continuing. "If he shows up now, Howie'll probably be right behind him. At least they'll keep each other busy."

"What's with them, anyway? AJ's like a mad dog about him, even more than with you, and man, I didn't think it got any more rabid. If it wouldn't be completely tacky, I'd suggest he seek help for that." Joey settled back onto his stool, and dropped a kiss on Nick's shoulder, where the gown bared it. "And AJ has a girlfriend, and everyone knows Howie's been single forever and ever. But I get that they-fooled-around vibe off both of 'em. Lots of fun. Oh man, I am just the biggest gossip queen ever." He grinned at Nick.

Nick even grinned back a little. "I think they did," he said finally. "I thought it was just me ... I didn't want to say. But AJ said something, back a couple days ago, and ... " He coughed again, but at least it wasn't as hard this time, even though he did need water when he was through. "I dunno. I just don't know."

"I'm getting the vibe. And my vibes are almost never wrong. More water, just a sip." Joey had the cup to Nick's mouth when the doctor came back in, closing the door behind himself quietly.

"How is everything?" He flipped Nick's chart quickly, then smiled at them both. "Not too horrible, I hope. You're just about halfway done, Nick. Doing very well."

Nick swallowed and then bit his lip, looking at him guiltily, feeling exposed again and so useless. "I was sick," he blurted out, and cringed at the sound of his own voice, raw and raspy and just not his at all. He looked at Joey for help, not wanting to speak any more. Not wanting to put himself out there at all.

"He...he didn't keep the jello down," Joey said gently, not moving away. "Just now. So, it's usually about an hour, before anything he eats comes back down. But there was stress, he was talking to people on the phone and that makes his stomach go crazy."

The doctor frowned a little, and checked Nick's chart again. "Okay. Once you're done here, I'm going to want to get you on a scale and get a BMI for you, okay, Nick? Right now...there's a lot going on, we're poking you and making you uncomfortable. So let's wait till everything's settled back down, and try some food again. I really don't want to put that tube in...for one thing, your body's under enough stress. For another, they really do strain your vocal cords, and given your profession..." He sighed. "We'll use it as a last resort. For right now, just try to stay still, and relaxed. It'll make everything easier."

Nick nodded a little, and felt himself flushing. "No tube," he insisted. "I can make it work. I even kept food down for hours the other day." His voice still sounded awful and he stopped again, licking his lips. There just wasn't one more thing that could go wrong with his body. One more thing and the whole system was gonna shut down, he was sure.

"Okay. No more talking for you, for a while. Sounds like you've already got a good start on that straining thing." The doctor checked the needles in his arms again, and then patted his arm. "You're doing very well. Once the dialysis is over, I'll bet you'll *feel* a whole lot better, too. It's amazing what a difference getting rid of all those toxins will make." He nodded at Joey. "I've got clearance for you to stay past visiting hours, Joey. And Nick, I'll be back to see you later."

"Thanks, Dr. Morrison." Joey squeezed Nick's shoulder. "Means a lot."

"Thanks," Nick mouthed at him, not even trying to put any sound behind it this time, he leaned against Joey and swallowed carefully. It was already passing, he just needed a little more water, a little more ice. Maybe some tea, later, that would make everyone else happy, too. "I need to call Kevin," he whispered a moment later. "I need to get it over with. My stomach's not gonna settle until it's not hanging over my head anymore."

"Shh. Right now you need to be quiet and suck on this ice cube." Joey fed him another, and nodded to the doctor as he left. "You can call Kevin when you're not whispering all raspy any more. He won't even believe it's you, if you call him right now. Just give yourself a minute, and then you can call, and I'll be right here."

"A minute or two," agreed Nick, still whispering, happily sucking on the ice and letting it soothe his throat. "Then I'll do it. And ... you know, Brian was really good. Maybe Kevin will be, too. Maybe I'm not giving him the benefit of the doubt, here ... "

"There you go. Think positive." Joey was smiling, Nick could tell. "Even if it's not really good, just think. That's the last one, and they all went well, and you're in the homestretch now. You've got three out of four right there on your side, and that's wonderful, that's great. Plus, you really think Kevin's gonna risk the wrath of AJ by being a heartless bitch? No way." He kissed Nick, mouth warm where the ice had chilled him. "I'm glad Brian was really good."

"Kevin would risk the wrath of AJ," said Nick darkly. "Kevin would risk the wrath of anyone. But ... but it's really good that Brian's on my side, here. More or less. He really ... I really didn't know which way he was gonna go, it could've been either. He's still a little weird, about the guy thing. But no, he was good. He was good."

"Good. That means I don't hafta kill him. I've heard that hiding a body is a real pain in the ass." Joey kissed him again, then let his head fall to the bed with a sigh, leaning over from his seat on the stool. "Your voice sounds better," he said softly. "You wanna get this over with? Then you're done, and you can relax, and we can sleep...well, eventually."

"I want to get this over with," agreed Nick, trying not to clench up as he thought about that. Or at the fact that after the call was over, he still had to finish dialysis. Or that after *that* the doctor wanted to weigh him and do more tests. It was going to be a rough evening. "You wanna give me the phone back now? I'm ready."

"It's not an execution, you know," Joey remarked, handing him the phone. "I mean, how scary can one guy be? Especially if you can't see those eyebrows?" His eyes were serious, though, as he kissed Nick one more time. "I'm not going anywhere," he promised.

"Thank you," he said softly, and hesitated a long time before even beginning to dial the number. He wished he didn't have to do this, but he did. He'd always known he had to do it some time. This was just a little sooner -- and under a lot worse circumstances -- the he'd hoped. He took a deep breath before dialing, then did it all in one rush before he could back out.

"Hello?" Kevin's low drawl was even more evident over the phone, and Nick flinched a little, feeling like he was twelve years old again, and had to tell Kevin that he'd broken another microphone.

"Hi, Kevin," he said, and he was sure he even *sounded* young again. That wasn't going to help his credibility at all. "Hi. It's Nick. How are you?"

"Nick?" Kevin sounded startled, but pleased. "Hey, man. I'm doing great, family's good, we're just relaxing. What's going on? How's things in Orlando?"

"Actually ... I'm in New York," admitted Nick. This was gonna be even harder than he thought; Kevin didn't know *any*thing, had no clue what might've been going on. "I ... um ... need to talk to you about something. A few things."

"New York?" Kevin was still okay with that, sounded like. It wasn't unusual for them to travel during breaks, after all. "That's cool. Talk away, K. You've got my ears. Oh, hey, Kristin says hi."

"Hey Kristin," said Nick weakly. "Okay. Um. Kevin ... I really don't know where to start here. This is some ... really important stuff. I'm talking to all of you about it." He chewed on his lip and glanced at Joey for support. "Well okay, let's start with the fact that I'm calling you from my hospital bed."

Joey squeezed his hand, eyes never leaving his face, as Nick heard Kevin suck in a breath. "Oh my god. Nick, are you all right? What happened? An accident? Did you get jumped? Are you okay?"

"I'm okay, I'm okay," Nick said right away. "It's ... " He sighed in resignation. "All right. I'm gonna come clean with you, Kev. I'm detoxing right now and there've been some complications. Some setbacks. But I"m being well taken care of." Then he closed his eyes and waited for the repercussions.

"Detoxing from WHAT?" Kevin's voice dropped to an ominous growl that Joey could obviously hear, since he squeezed Nick's hand tightly. "Complications and setbacks? Nickolas Carter, you...FUCK." He breathed hard, then spoke, tightly and controlled. "Give me the whole story. Start at the beginning."

Nick felt his whole *body* clench up and he couldn't even answer for a moment. Then he took another deep breath; there was no stopping this now. "I know you never noticed," he said meekly. "I know none of you really noticed. But I was drinking, I guess, and ... it got out of control. But I'm *doing* something about it, Kevin, I swear to god I am."

"Nick. Nick." Kevin's voice got even tighter, if that was possible. "You remember when AJ went into rehab? You remember that fucking awful night, when we all sat around and swore, swore to fucking god, that this would never happen again? Do you remember that, Nick? Because it's really kind of clear, in my memory. You were drinking and it got out of control. Wow. Wow, Nick. I really can't believe you just said that to me."

"Well fuck, Kevin, do you really think I need to hear that right now?"snapped Nick. "Jesus. I'm lying here fucking *immobile* on *dialysis* and you're lecturing me? I know I fucked up, okay? I know that. Trust me, I'm already fucking paying for it."

"You're already paying for it? How COULD you?" Kevin took a deep breath, and his voice went deliberately calm. "You're in the hospital, you said. What's going on? Dialysis? AJ never had to do that. What's wrong?"

"Tried to do in on my own, more or less. My body was already in shit shape, Kevin. Dangerously malnourished and underweight and ... it doesn't matter. You don't care. Point being I have a kidney infection and they're clearing it up and until my kidneys start working again, I'm on dialysis. I'm sure you think I deserve it."

"Nobody deserves to be in the hospital, Nick," Kevin sighed, sounding tired suddenly. "I know you think I'm some kind of monster for yelling at you, but man, I just can't believe. I cannot believe it. We SWORE. Okay, okay. You stopped, you said. That's good. No more, Nick, you hear? Whatever it takes. And what the hell are you doing in New York?"

"It's not like any of you noticed, Kevin," Nick muttered. "It's been months." He was asking about New York, though, which demanded some kind of answer. The kind Nick wasn't sure he'd recovered enough from the last blow to give. "I'm here for a wedding," he blurted out. "I have a new boyfriend. Oh! Someone else's wedding, I mean, not mine! I'm just here. With the boyfriend. Who's helping me get sober, for the record."

"If you'd been around, maybe we WOULD have noticed," Kevin snapped. "New boyfriend, huh? Well, at least that's something good, especially if he's helping you get sober. Anyone we know, or is this gonna be another big secret that we don't hear about till you end up on the cover of the Advocate, or something?"

"Kevin, don't," snapped Nick again, squeezing Joey's hand. "I called you, didn't I? I'm telling you. It's only been four days, since I started getting sober, since I decided." He looked at Joey, really studied him, and smiled. He could do this. "Okay," he said. "Okay. It's Joey. Fatone. And I know that's not what you were expecting to hear at *all*, Kevin, but just give it a chance ... "

"Huh." Kevin was quiet for a moment. "Well, that's cool. At least he knows the industry, and if he hasn't outed himself publicly *yet*, he probably never will. Considering that everyone already knows about him, he's probably the best choice you could make." He sighed. "Nick...four days? Since you went sober. And you're in the hospital, you're messed up...why didn't you call us? Before it got bad enough to send you into detox?"

Nick was a little too shocked for a moment to say anything at all, turning to Joey with wide eyes and blinking a few times. "Wait," he said softly. "You're really okay? With Joey? Cause oh, Kevin, he's so wonderful, seriously. I'd be totally lost without him, right now, without him behind me ... "

"Well, yeah." Kevin sounded puzzled. "If you were dating some freak I wouldn't be, or someone like, I don't know, Rufus Wainwright, he's just way too out, and you know we can't do that, not now. But Joe's okay. When he's not being a complete dickhead. I'm glad he's there for you. I just still can't believe that you need someone there for you, like this." Joey smiled back at him, eyes still worried, and kissed his fingertips lightly, carefully not moving his arm very much.

Nick couldn't help smiling, despite everything, and squeezing Joey's hand again. "I know," he said finally. "I know, Kevin. I just ... I didn't even *know*. I didn't know it was that bad. I thought I was just out having a good time, until bad things started happening. And then Joey ... Joey happened. And he helped me. And I stopped ... four days ago. I was gonna tell you guys on Wednesday, all of you at once, until this whole hospital thing happened. I was getting better, but ... my body just couldn't take it anymore. I don't know when I'm gonna be better."

"After seeing AJ, how could you not know?" Kevin sounded miserable, and still angry. "Just out having a good time? Nick, we got a crash course in warning signs, and you...shit. Just, shit." He blew out air. "Okay, okay, it's in the past. It happened and there's nothing we can do about it, and you're sick, and. Okay. What was that you said, about undernourished?"

"You just ... it's hard to know, when you're in the middle of it, Kevin," Nick stammered out. "I can't even explain it. If I saw it in someone else, I'd know. In me? It's just ... different. So. Um. Hang on a second." He couldn't cover the receiver with his hand, but he at least moved it away from his mouth. "Joey? How underweight did they say I am again?"

"He's right there?" Kevin exclaimed, even as Joey said "Twenty, thirty pounds, maybe more. You're getting weighed later, baby, remember?"

"I heard, I heard." Kevin said hastily, as Nick went to relay the information. "Well, it must be serious, if you're letting him listen in to conversations like this one. Thirty pounds? What the fuck, Nick? I know I haven't seen you in a month and a half, but you were *not* that thin then. What's going on?"

"We're figuring that out, Kevin," he said softly. "I don't know yet, entirely. It's too soon, my thinking's not great yet, my mood swings are just crazy and I can't even keep food down. I guess I haven't been eating right. Or much. At all. Only no one said anything, no one told me, and I was too fucked up to really notice. I guess I was dieting before, a little, and that got kinda outta hand, too ... Drinking instead of eating does wonders to convince your body that it's full."

"Well, at least you're in the hospital. They must know how to handle it, even if you can't keep food down." Kevin sighed. "This is a mess, huh? A serious mess. I guess...it's good you noticed when you did. And did something about it. That's good, Nick, that's real good. Just...never again. Not if hafta move you into my house and watch you every hour of every day, all right? This is it. No more."

"Kevin, I know," said Nick, tensing up a little again. "Trust me, if you could see me now, you'd know that something like this is never happening again. Not to me, not to any of you. It *is* a big mess and I'm sorry, I'm really sorry, I'm doing everything I can to make things right again. I promise."

Joey frowned at that, and something flashed in his eyes, his hand tightening on Nick's.

"If I could see you now, I probably wouldn't be able to choose between kicking hell out of you or squeezing you to death," Kevin said with a small laugh. "Though if you look as bad as you sound, there probably isn't much left to kick. You are going to be all right, aren't you? Once they figure out what's up with your weight, and the infection is cleared up, and you're over the DTs? Jesus. What a mess."

"I'm gonna be all right," Nick promised him. "I don't know when and I don't know how, but dammit Kevin, I'm *going* to be all right. But I need you guys behind me to do this. It's only been four days ... I need to make it a long longer than this. I need to make it forever, Kevin. And Joey's been great and AJ's been great ... but I need all of you. Not to do anything, I'm not asking anything except believe in me."

"Believe you can do it?" Kevin sounded startled again. "Of course. You're the stubbornest little fuck I've ever met, if you've decided, I don't have a lot of doubt you'll do it. And AJ...Nick, man. That's a lot to ask of him, you know, being a part of this. He hasn't been dry all that long himself."

"Kevin, don't," said Nick with a sigh. "Don't assume. When he found out what was going on? He wouldn't stay away. I know it's gotta be really hard on him ... but he seems to be a lot better with this when he's helping than when I'm not letting him. I dunno. Maybe you talk to him, see what he really thinks. But that's what he's been like with me."

"I will talk to him. You know I will," Kevin warned. Then his voice sharpened a little. "Do the other guys know? Who knows? About all of this, you detoxing, Joey, the works. I want a complete list, Nick."

"Oh, God," said Nick with a pained sigh. "For real? Okay, you guys -- you were the last call -- and Joey and his guys. Joey's parents and brother and sister. And the doctor and nurse that are taking care of me. And ... that's it. I think." He moved the receiver away a little bit again. "Joey, did I miss anyone? That knows about us and me getting all fucked up and everything?"

"I think the ambulance guys probably figured it out," Joey mused, thinking. "But yeah, I think that's it."

"Jesus, he must be sitting right on top of you, I can hear every word," Kevin snorted. "Okay. I'm assuming his parents are...if not excited, at least supportive? Since he's been out forever, and you're there and all. Jive will take care of the hospital personnel. Nick...I'm guessing that we're gonna be cancelling Wednesday. There's another meeting Saturday, that's with the high-ups and some people from NBC who want to do a special. You think you can make it to that, and be okay? I think...maybe we should try to keep this one private. The world's barely getting over AJ, still."

"I didn't want it to go public at all." said Nick in a small voice. "Hell, Kevin, why do you think I was trying to do it myself? Sure as hell wasn't because I thought it would be easier." There were other, maybe bigger, reasons yes, but they didn't matter as much right then. "But yeah ... oh man, Kevin, Joey's parents are a fuckin' dream. They've been great. I ... probably not, Wednesday. I was trying, but it's not looking really likely. I'll be back in town Saturday, I'm sure, and I can at least look okay, if not *be* okay. That'll have to do."

"Okay. All right. That's good. We'll cancel Wednesday, but leave Saturday on, tentatively. I guess we'll just float it that you're sick, so if we do have to back out of that it won't look strange. Or we'll just send Brian and Howie or something. I don't trust AJ's mouth, not at all." Kevin sighed again. "We won't go public at all, then. This eating thing, though...we're gonna have to deal with that. If you're making yourself that sick, on top of the drinking...that's a big thing. You should have come to me, Nick."

"I didn't know, Kevin," Nick said again. "I thought I was doing okay. And ... Kevin, you know how I am. You know how I see myself. Oh, but hey, Joey's got Lance on the case and I mean, setting personal feelings aside, you *know* he's gonna spin this the right way. AJ's talking to him, so you should talk to them. Just so, you know, there aren't a half dozen different stories floating around, when all's said and done."

Kevin was silent for the space of several long heartbeats. "You know, Nick," he finally said, slowly. "Out of everything, the fact that I'm gonna have to talk to that...that...to Lance Bass, is possibly the worst thing I've heard all day. I cannot fucking believe it. And you're right, we should get our stories straight." He must have covered the mouthpiece, because the aggravated scream was muffled, and when he came back, his voice was still calm. "Okay. Sounds like I have some calls to make. I'm flying back to Orlando tomorrow, so I'll get the guys together, just so we're all on the same page. If you're up to it, we may call you on speakerphone. Will you still be in the hospital then?"

"I really can't imagine I'll be out of here tomorrow," admitted Nick, looking down over his body, all the tubes coming out of is, at the blood. "I really can't. I think I'd be fine with a phone call, though. And I guess I can let you all know, then, a little bit more about what's going on. I'll know more. And I'll probably be in a much better mood when I'm not hooked up to this machine."

"Don't leave till you're ready, till they say you're good to go," Kevin said firmly. "We'll manage the press, we'll get all that straightened out. Tell Fatone he better fucking behave himself and take good care of you, too. And Nick, man. Feel better, okay? Take care of yourself. Be careful."

"Thanks, Kevin," said Nick, relief beginning to creep in. "Seriously. Thanks. I'm doing the best I can, taking care of this. I won't let you guys down. I'll talk to you tomorrow."

"Yep. Be sure to call, one way or the other. Take care, Nick." The phone clicked down, and Joey gently took the reciever from Nick and moved the whole phone back to the bedstand.

"So," he said quietly, still holding Nick's hand.

Nick took a minute to collect himself, knew Joey wouldn't mind. "He was totally cool with you," he said finally. "Just *totally* cool with you, Joey. You don't even know ... I mean ... I thought he'd totally come down hard on me, but it was good."

"That's great, baby." Joey rubbed his thumb over Nick's knuckles. "I don't wanna be some kind of bone of contention, you know that. Not that I'd leave you or anything to avoid that, but it's good. How are you doing about the other stuff? Got a little nasty there for a minute, huh?"

"He's ... mad," said Nick with a sigh. "He's really mad, Joey, and I can't even blame him. We did, we said never again, after AJ, and then look at what I go and do. Fuck up really, really bad. Turn myself into a drunk and then *really* mess myself up when I try and quit."

"You aren't trying, you're doing it," Joey said firmly. "You fucked up, yeah. But you're fixing it. It sounded like he figured that out too, since it sounded good there at the end, huh? And Nick...quitting...it's still a good thing, you know. Still the best thing you can do for your body, even if it's pitching a fit about it right now. You're not messing yourself up more, by doing it."

"Oh, come on, Joey, *look* at me," said Nick, groaning. "Just look at me. You think I'd be here, like this, right now, if I hadn't tried to quit? No."

"No, you'd probably be starving to death, and not noticing because you were too drunk," Joey said quietly, not meeting his eyes. "Or dying from a kidney infection that you didn't notice, again because you were too drunk. Nick. Can you honestly say you'd be better off if you were still drinking?"

"That's not ... " protested Nick. "I mean ... I probably wouldn't *have* the kidney infection 'cause I never would've gotten dehydrated and triggered it. And I'm not starving, Joey, I'm not ... fuck. No. I wouldn't be better. But that doesn't mean I'm doing good right now."

"Alcohol dehydrates you," Joey said, still looking down. "You were probably dehydrated for weeks before you quit and didn't even notice. It was only a matter of time. And no, you're not doing great now. But in absolute terms, I bet you're healthier now than you were last week. For real, Nick. I bet you are."

"Well," said Nick, unconvinced. "I guess the doctor can answer that one. I don't *feel* healthier, Joey. I know that maybe doesn't mean anything, but I don't. You know I feel pretty fucking lousy."

"I know you feel lousy. But you're hydrating, now. You're on antibiotics, your body's getting over the withdrawal. They're filtering all that crap out of your blood, and pretty soon you'll be off that machine, and we can get you comfortable again." He reached up and stroked Nick's hair off his forehead. "You'll feel better soon."

"I have to believe that," said Nick, resting back on the pillows. "I have to. Quitting isn't an option now, even if I wanted to, not with all this stuff going on. Besides ... it can't get any *worse* than this. Nowhere to go but up."

"I don't think people would let you quit, at this point," Joey agreed, propping his chin on the hands he had folded over Nick's shoulder. "And you're on your way up, baby, for sure. Headed up the charts with a bullet, that's you. Just think, after this, when you feel good again? How amazing that'll be."

"It'll be unbelievable," admitted Nick, not even able to imagine it. "I don't think i even know, what it's gonna be like. I've been sicker for longer than I knew, in a lot of ways. It's gonna be an eye-opener, Joey. Kinda already has been."

"Well, you're getting better now," Joey said, smiling that white smile at him. "You'll know what it feels like soon. And we'll go scuba diving to celebrate." He glanced away at the phone for just a moment. "I think I need to check my messages. They're making me keep the cell off in here, something about interfering with the doctors' pagers. Okay?"

"Yeah, you go ahead," said Nick, yawning, "I'd sleep right now, if I could. If they weren't, you know, sucking my blood our right now. It's so weird to think, by the time I'm done with this, all my blood will have been outside my body." He shivered involuntarily. "Go ahead, check your messages. I ain't going anywhere."

"They're putting it right back in," Joey pointed out, moving away from him to the phone. "It's not like it's gone for long, you know." He was still smiling a little as he bent to the phone, and Nick listened to him muttering in reply to whatever the messages were. He sighed, finally, and hung back up. "Family's great and all," he commented, "N Sync included, of course, but sometimes I wish I was an only child."

"Justin again?" asked Nick tentatively, licking his lips again. His throat was feeling better, but it was also feeling dry again. "Or JC, is he doing better? Everyone's okay. right?"

"Justin's being a pain," Joey said, though there was a thread of amusement in his voice. "Though he has now apologized, he's not being any less a pain. JC's okay, according to Chris, who apparently hasn't talked to Lance because he wants to know where the hell I am. My mother is having mild hysterics, I guess she got the message, she's on her way. Steve wants to borrow my car. I think that was it." He sighed, and dropped back onto his stool.

"You're a popular guy," said Nick with a little smile. "I'm glad everything is ... okay? Relatively speaking? I was ... you know, I was kinda hoping I'd be done with the dialysis before your mom got here. All these tubes ... it's really enough to freak a person out."

"We won't let her in till you're off," Joey assured him, checking his watch. "That was the last message anyway, and you've only got a little while left. Not that she'd freak out, I mean, she's seen some tubes before. But we'll wait. It's past visiting hours. How much you wanna bet that doesn't even slow her down?" He smiled at Nick.

"Considering she's a lot like you?" said Nick. "Not a lot. She'll probably just tell them she's my mother and bypass all the visiting hours rules and regulations. And do you really think Dr. Morrison's gonna stop her? No. She'll probably barge right in here while they're peeking under my gown, too, just my luck."

Joey giggled at that, then hid his face behind a hand. "Oh god, probably. You should have seen it when I had pneumonia. God. You'd think I'd been dying of TB or something, the way she was. But we can try to keep her out till you're decent again, at least. Like I said, not too long. You're almost done, sweetheart. How are you feeling?"

Nick shrugged a little bit. "I think I'm too stressed right now to be feeling much different," he admitted, getting braver about moving around a little bit. "After all the calls and ... and knowing what I still have to go through. But you know ... my head's feeling a little better. How's that for weird?"

"Not that weird, considering what they're cleaning out of your bloodstream," Joey said. "Cool, that's good. Once you relax a little, I bet you'll feel even better." He sighed. "Wish I could-" He broke off as the door opened, and the doctor *and* Ben came back through, talking quietly.

"Nick, Joe. How is everything doing?" The doctor moved to his side, and Ben just went straight to the dialysis machine. "Done," he said quietly, and the doctor nodded. "You ready to get off the contraption?"

"More than," murmured Nick. At least he'd had something to do to pass the time, even if it had been stressful. If he hadn't, he thought he probably would've gone crazy or something, even with Joey there. "I really, really hope I don't have to do that again."

"We all hope that," the doctor said kindly, smiling at him. "We're gonna push you aggressively on the antibiotics, so that should help." Ben pushed a button, and the silence in the room was startling. "Okay, needles first. We're going to hook you right back up to that IV, though, so don't get too ambitious." He pulled one of the needles out of Nick's arm, leaving a dull ache behind, then detatched the tube on the other side. "Still doing okay?"

"As okay as I was a minute ago," said Nick, somewhat non-committally. He still wasn't a hundred percent sure how okay that was. "It didn't hurt much, if that's what you're asking. I just feel a little weird."

"Weird how?" The doctor handed the tubes to Ben, then moved down the bed. "This isn't gonna feel much better than it did going in, but it's much faster. You might want to grab something and hang on, okay?" Joey twisted their fingers together before Nick even glanced his way.

"Weird like I just had all the blood sucked out of me," said Nick, grasping Joey's hand tightly. *This* he wasn't looking forward to. He wasn't much looking forward to being weighed, either, but this was ten times worse than that. "Okay. Let's just do it."

"It'll be over in just a second," the doctor assured him, and then Nick was biting his lip hard enough to draw blood, and thrashing his head back against the pillow, and it hurt so very very much and he thought he could feel the bones in Joey's hand grinding together.

"There." The doctor poked around a little, swabbed him with something cool and stinging, and then moved away. "Hard part's over, Nick. You can relax now."

"*You* relax after something like that," he muttered, but it was a profound relief to have it gone, even though the pain lingered. He finally loosened his grip on Joey's hand but didn't manage to let go. "So how am I doing? Nothing else bad happening yet?"

"No, everything looks fine." Dr. Morrison checked his chart, while Nick took advantage of his new freedom to move and squirmed a little closer to Joey, still wincing. Joey stroked his face with gentle fingers. "How does your stomach feel? We're being pretty aggressive with the medication, as I said, so I'd like to have you try to eat as soon as you feel up to it."

"There's no way anything's going into my stomach just yet," he admitted, a little reluctantly. "I, um, had a thought, though, actually. When I was talking to Kevin. I dunno ... I think my body's way more used to drinking than it is to eating -- " And he flushed a little bit about that this time. " -- so do you think I'd do better maybe trying to drink something? Like the milkshake Joey made me before? Just until I'm keeping something, down, I mean ... I don't know. That might be stupid. Just a thought."

"No, it's not stupid," the doctor said, consideringly. "Let me see what I can do. Some kind of shake might work, if we can get enough protein and fat into it. That's not a bad idea at all." He grinned at Nick. "I'll be back soon. Just try to relax, get as comfortable as you can." Ben went ahead of him with the machine, and it was just the two of them again. Joey pulled the blanket up from the foot of the bed, tucking it around his shoulders securely.

"You already look more comfortable," he said with a smile.

"Wouldn't you be, getting unhooked from that?" said Nick with a little smile. "I dunno though. Sounds really gross, trying to pack a lot of fat into a milkshake. Don't let me think about that, when they bring it, okay? *If* they bring it. That might not work at all, I dunno. It just made sense in my head." He rolled halfway over onto his side, now that he could, so he could look at Joey more comfortably. "How are *you* doing?"

"I'm tired," Joey admitted, and he looked it. "But good. I mean, all things considered, I'm doing peachy." He chuckled a little. "I won't remind you about the fatty milkshake. Would it help or hurt, do you think, if I told you what was in the one I made for you this morning?"

Nick cringed a little bit -- he hadn't really thought about that. "Okay," he said carefully. "Hit me with it. Am I gonna be totally grossed out?"

"Hopefully not. Depends on how you feel about eggs," Joey said thoughtfully. "There were two, and the white from a third. There was also whole milk, skim milk because you said you wanted light), a scoop of ice cream, vitamin powder, vanilla, and unflavored gelatin powder. It really was like a meal in a glass, you know."

Nick made a face. "Well, it tasted good," he admitted. "That must be, like, a thousand calories a glass. Which is probably the point, right? But still ... " He stuck his tongue out. "Whatever it takes to get me better. I *do* like eating, Joey. Honest."

"I believe you," Joey said, still smiling. "Hey, scoot a little. You're all unattached for the moment, I'm getting in." He toed out of his shoes and slid up onto the bed with Nick, wrapping around him warm and solid. "We'll be going out for pasta and steaks before you know it. And don't forget, you promised to let me cook for you."

"I know," said Nick softly. "I did. I think ... maybe I need to be realistic about this. I'm gonna have to start really small. I think my stomach is all tiny now or something, maybe. Not a lot of food in it for, like, *ever*." He rested his head against Joey's shoulder. "*Now* your mom's gonna come in."

"I didn't mean tomorrow, you know, with the steaks," Joey chuckled a little, running his fingers through Nick's hair. "We'll work up to those nice and slow. The shakes are a good place to start, and we'll go from there." He relaxed into the pillow, Nick could feel him go limp. "If my mom comes in now, I'm not getting up. Just so you know. I'm comfy just like this."

"At least no tubes right now," said Nick, sounding as relieved as he felt. "I think that was enough to freak anyone out. It was almost enough to freak *me* out. It's possible I'm *still* freaking out, just a little bit. They should make all addicts go through that, shake 'em up."

"I wasn't freaked out," Joey pointed out. "Just kinda worried. Like I said, after watching childbirth, there's not much freaking left." He nuzzled into Nick's hair, holding him gently against his body. "No tubes now. Can you relax a little? Just let go for a minute or two, if you can. Take a little break."

"Well, not you," agreed Nick. "Tough guy. But normal people." He *was* trying to relax, he just wasn't getting very far. There was too much going on, his body was too stressed out. And his brain was going all sorts of places, still not knowing where to start with all the things it was being hit with.

"That's me, tough as nails. As demonstrated by my oh-so-manly tears at the wedding." Joey snickered, stroking his hand down Nick's spine soothingly. "So I'm guessing your meeting wednesday is cancelled? That's good. Give us a little more time to just hang out and unwind. I'll send my pop out for movies, and you can just rest on the couch. No stress, no mess."

"If I make it back to your place," said Nick dismally. Right then, he could hardly imagine being out of the hospital ever again. "Yeah, I don't have to be back until Saturday now. But I'd better be there on Saturday unless I'm dead, pretty much."

"I have to be back by friday to get Brianna anyway," Joey pointed out quietly. "I have her for the week, remember? And I *have* to have to, because Kelly's going on vacation. So, unless things go bad for you, which they won't, we should probably try to leave Thursday or Friday morning. It's only Saturday late, now, remember. I bet we have you home tomorrow, or Monday at the latest."

"I'm just not gonna count on anything anymore, how about," muttered Nick, slumping further into the bed. "Every time I start to hope, it doesn't happen. I just get worse. So I'm just gonna expect the worst and then if anything good happens, it'll be a hell of a nice surprise."

"Awwww, baby." Joey kissed his ear. "Don't get down. You're getting better, remember? They're clearing things up that there's no WAY we could have handled on our own, and once we get you started on the road to recovery, things will be much better. Detoxing with a kidney infection...no wonder you were feeling so, so bad."

"Yeah, well, I probably deserved to," said Nick with a sigh, but without much convinction unlike the last few times he'd said that. "Can we just admit that I'm a really mess, Joey? So much wrong with my body and so much wrong with my head. It's gonna take a long time to get better, for real."

Joey pulled back a little, and frowned at him slightly. "You are a mess. I'm not deluding myself here, thinking you're going to be fine tomorrow, that once you're released it'll be like everything's fine. But Nicky...if you're just wallowing around, waiting for the next terrible thing to happen, you'll miss it when the GOOD things come along. It'll take a long time, yeah. Everything worth anything does. But you *will* get better."

"If you were where I am right now, it wouldn't be so easy to say that," said Nick. But it was good to hear it, really good to have someone so vocally supportive of him. It was one thing to know that there were people behind him; it was another to have them right there in his face, all the time. "Okay, I won't think the worst. But I'm not gonna hope for too much either, Joey. I just ... need to take it one day at a time, I think."

"You know it. Sufficient unto the day." Joey smiled again, blinking slowly and sleepily. "And every day, something good will happen, even if everything else is bad. At least one something good, maybe many somethings good." His head fell back to the pillow, and he yawned. "Do you want anything, baby? Water, or more ice?"

"Ice," said Nick gratefully, giving him a little smile. "I had really great sex today. That was a good thing. And I went to a wedding. That was a good thing, too. So yeah ... there are good things, too, I guess."

Joey's eyelids flinched a little at the mention of the sex, but he smiled and kissed Nick softly and rolled off the bed. "You went to a wedding and charmed the pants off my whole family. You told a little girl a story. You gave me sweet kisses, and came clean to your whole band with a minimum of screeching. All in all...not a bad tally." He came back with ice, and placed a chip between Nick's lips. "Every day, there'll be more."

Nick even licked at Joey's finger as he took the ice into his mouth. "I'm still scared, a lot," he admitted softly. "But I think maybe the worst is finally over now. It's gotta go up from here. Oh, and I got a new mom today, that was a good thing too. I've been meaning to upgrade for a while ... "

"She's just delighted. Another boy to add to her brood." Joey's eyes twinkled at him. "She should be getting here soon, unless there's traffic. You want to see her when she gets here, or do you want to wait?"

"She can come in," said Nick, crunching down on the ice noisily. "I think she would anyway. Oh, unless the doctor needs to see me again first, did he say when he was coming back? Well ... he can always get me when she's here, she can keep you company ... "

"He didn't say, just that he'd be here later." Joey's head drooped back to the bed, resting on his crossed arms. "Okay," he mumbled, eyes falling shut. "Just a couple of minutes, okay? I need to rest my eyes, just a little. Is that okay?" "Oh, Joey," said Nick softly, really seeing how much stress *Joey* was under, because of all of this. "Just take as much as you need, okay? Don't worry about me, there are people here to take care of me now. You take care of you."

"Nuh-uh." Joey shook his head slowly back and forth. "You. Don' let me, not too long." He yawned hugely, and blinked one last time before his eyes closed for good. "Love you, baby," he murmured, and sighed.

"Love you, Joey," said Nick, vowing not to wake him up until he absolutely had to, which he hoped wouldn't happen at all. Joey needed rest almost as much as he did. "Here, curl up closer, get comfortable."

Joey just breathed deep and turned his face into his arms, already completely asleep. Nick watched him, wondering how on earth Joey could sleep, sitting on the stool and leaning on the bed like that. When the soft knock came at the door, he had no idea how much time had passed.

"Nick?" A woman's voice. "Nick, it's Phyllis. Can I come in?"

He jerked his head toward the door in surprise, then couldn't help smiling despite the gravity of the situation. "Yeah, come on in," he said softly, just loud enough to be heard. "Joey's sleeping, so I'm not sure how loud I can be." It was tough, having her see him like this, but he was starting to get used to it.

She was smiling gently as she came through the door, flowers and an afghan in her hands, and came straight to his side, setting the gifts down on the table. "How are you, sweetheart?" She bent and kissed his cheek, then smoothed his hair, before turning to her sleeping son. "Oh, my Joey," she sighed, resting her hand on his head.

"You didn't have to come," said Nick, but he was already glad she had, that she was so familiar and comforting to him even after knowing him for such a short time. "I'm doing okay now. They already finished cleaning out my blood, now I guess we just have to wait for the antibiotics to do their thing. Joey thinks I'll be outta here tomorrow, but ... I just don't want him to get his hopes up. I have a long way to go."

"Of course I had to come," she said, keeping her voice soft. "Don't be silly, Nick. You think I would have slept a wink without seeing you're all right with my own two eyes? Even though I'm sure they're taking real good care of you." She looked down at Joey. "How long has he been asleep? Do you need anything?"

"I think it's only been a few minutes," said Nick, glancing at Joey a little and smiling. "With any luck, he'll be out all night. He needs it." He gave him a soft kiss on the cheek, then looked up at Joey's mother again. "I have some ice chips, that's all I need. I'm about as comfortable as I'm gonna get, I think. Way more than I was half an hour ago."

"I think it's only been a few minutes," said Nick, glancing at Joey a little and smiling. "With any luck, he'll be out all night. He needs it." He gave him a soft kiss on the cheek, then looked up at Joey's mother again. "I have some ice chips, that's all I need. I'm about as comfortable as I'm gonna get, I think. Way more than I was half an hour ago."

"Yeah?" She bustled around a little, spreading the afghan over Joey's shoulders with a tender pat, placing the flowers where Nick could see them, moving the cup with ice to where he could reach it. "So tell me all. Joey was babbling frantically about fever and sick and passed out on the phone message, at least in the beginning, and even when he calmed down he wasn't very informative. Want to tell me about it?"

Nick winced a little bit; that must've been a hell of a message. And that was *after* Joey had calmed down --- for him, at least. "Well, I'll skip the details you won't want to know," he said with a little blush. "But Joey helped me take a bath, and afterwards i just ... I guess I passed out. I was really warm. He called the doctor and the ambulance came and got me and ... well, turns out I have a kidney infection that they're taking care of, that's why I've been having some of the trouble I have."

"So that's what you meant by the antibiotics," she nodded, settling on the bed next to him and taking his hand. "No wonder he was so scared. People passing out really freaks him out, always has. But it's good, that you're here, that they're taking care of it." She patted his hand. "And how are you *feeling*?"

Nick blinked back a couple of tears at the gentleness in her voice, at the way she always seemed so completely nonjudgmental. "I'm getting better," he said finally. "I'm, um ... I'm pretty scared. And confused. I'm not really great with doctors and the whole hospital thing is ... uncomfortable. But I'm getting better. Joey's been just amazing."

"Don't be scared. Dr. Morrison is just wonderful, you can be completely confident that they're taking good care of you." She smiled at him. "No tears, now. You're getting better, and that's something to celebrate. No matter how uncomfortable it is, just rememeber that everyone here is here to help you." She looked back at Joey. "He's a blessing, isn't he? I'm so proud of him, every day."

"You should be," said Nick, giving his cheek another little kiss, careful not to wake him. "I don't know what I did to deserve having him fall in love with me, but I'm grateful for it every minute. He was right there when I told the rest of the guys in my group, what was going on. Such a rock. I'm really glad he's sleeping though ... I have to have stressed him right out, this whole thing."

"He'll never admit it," she sighed, then turned back to Nick. "You make him very happy, Nick, you know. When he talks about you he just lights up. He needs someone to give all that love to, and you deserve every bit of it. And I can tell you love him just as much, thank god. I just think you're wonderful together."

Nick gave her a grateful smile. "We'll have to get together again when I'm feeling better," he said softly. "I don't even feel like myself yet, so how can anyone be getting to know me? It might have been a bad idea to travel up here, feeling like I do, but I'm glad I did. I couldn't be around better people, or be getting better care, than I am right now. I know ... I know it's a tough road ahead, though. And a long one."

"Well, you won't be on it alone," she said firmly, then dropped her voice when Joey mumbled a protest and turned his head, still asleep. "We're glad you came, too. I could tell that Joey was seeing someone, just by his voice on the phone, but it's always wonderful to meet the person your son's head over heels for." She turned her head as the doctor came in quietly and smiled at her.

"How is my most famous patient? Hello, Phyllis. Nick, I just wanted you to know, the press is here. They're barred from the floor, so if anyone bothers you, please call security as soon as possible." Joey's head popped up and he blinked blearily at Nick, then his mother.

"Oh hell," said Nick, closing his eyes, feeling his stomach clench. If it wasn't one thing, it was another. "Is it bad? How the fuck did they *know*? Jesus." He felt Joey touch him gently and opened his eyes again, turning to look at him. "Is Lance ... are things under control? Do I need to worry about this?"

"It's not too bad. MTV, the entertainment networks, local news, for now." The doctor nodded reassuringly. "I'm guessing someone heard the ambulance call, they monitor those. But I did talk to the kitchen, and there will be a milkshake up here shortly." He nodded at Phyllis and left.

Joey peered at Nick, still looking disoriented. "I...Lance is good, don't worry. It's okay. My mama's here." Phyllis smiled and kissed his cheek.

"Your mama will make everything better," murmured Nick. The way his muscles were clenching, there was no way he was gonna keep even a milkshake down. He didn't know whether it was better to try and lose it, or wait a little while, until it might stay down. Wasn't sure if anyone would let him wait. "Do we need to get a representative down here to talk to them? What story are we going with?"

"Lance will handle it," Joey yawned, seeming utterly unconcerned. "Prob'ly has someone there already, talkin' to them. I swear, Nick, you don't hafta worry, not even a little bit." He stretched and kissed his mother, then Nick, then drew back, blinking and frowning and finally looking more or less awake. "You're really freaking about this, huh? We knew they'd find out, remember? That's why we called Lance. You don't have to talk to anyone at all."

"I know, I know," said Nick with a sigh. "I just thought it would take a little longer. Stupid, huh. I know better. I'm not freaking out ... I'm not freaking out. I just. I just. I can't take anymore more on my shoulders right now. They're gonna break, Joey."

"This one isn't on your shoulders, babe." Joey smiled at him. "We've got this one under control. Don't even think about it. And I'm not going anywhere, I'll be here. Nobody's getting into this room unless I say so. And Lance is out there, and it's all good."

"No one gets in unless you're sleeping, right, Nick?" Phyllis winked at Nick, and Joey shuddered a little.

"No more sleeping. Not till security gets here."

"Oh, Joey," said Nick, sighing and reaching over to touch his shoulder. "I'm sorry. I'm fine. They aren't gonna let anyone up on this floor, probably not even my own family if they showed up. Which they *won't*. You should go back to sleep so I can start watching you again, and throwing things in your mouth when you start to snore ... "

Joey snickered at that, and took Nick's hand, kissing his fingertips. "I'm fine. And I do *not* snore, thank you very much. Don't spread these wicked rumors, Nicky."

"You do snore," Phyllis said comfortably, standing and moving to the door. "I'm going to go speak with the doctor, now. I'll be back in a bit."

"Bye mom." Joey waved Nick's hand for him, giggling a little.

Nick sobered quickly and leaned against Joey, trying to relax. "When that milkshake gets here," he said softly, "would it be a big deal if I left it a little while before eating it? My tummy's ... not to good, just right now. I think I would do better if I waited, Joey. And you ... you shoud sleep."

"I don't think it would be a big deal." Joey shook his head, then placed his palm on Nick's belly, rubbing featherlight circles. "You know what's gonna work and what won't, and waiting till you're feeling better only makes sense." He sighed. "I slept, it was good. Don't worry about me, baby."

"You didn't sleep," insisted Nick, "you blinked. Joey ... there *are* people here who can take care of me. For once. You should probably take advantage of it while you can, if you really think I'm gonna be outta here and back at your place tomorrow."

"It's not the same," Joey said stubbornly, though his eyes were still heavy. "I mean, they can't rub your tummy for you, can they? At least, they better not be. And me...*you* should try to sleep. You're the one going through all this. I'm just sitting here." He leaned his head on his free hand. "Tomorrow or the next day, I bet."

"I can sleep when the doctor's done with me," Nick promised him, laying his hand overtop of Joey's on his stomach and holding it there. "You can sleep like this. Right here with me. It'll make me happy to watch you, Joey. Promise. It'll make me feel better. Less stressed. And you, too."

"I'm not stressed," Joey protested immediately, though his head slipped from his hand to rest on his arm, and he blinked sleepily at Nick. "I'm fine. I feel good." The blinks were getting longer. "Promise to wake me up when the doctor comes back?" He finally capitulated, sighing as he relaxed.

"Unless it's just to give me the milkshake," said Nick, hoping that a little white lie wasn't gonna hurt anything. "You don't need to wake up to see me stare at a milkshake. Get some sleep, baby, you mama will take care of me."

"That's right, she's here," Joey said driftily, pushing up until he was curled on the bed at Nick's side. "That's good. She can make sure you're okay. You're okay." He sighed, and tucked Nick's hand to his chest, cradling it between his. "Don' forget. Wake me up. Not long."

"I will," whispered Nick, pulling the blankets over Joey's body and making sure he was tucked in. Joey had done it for him enough times, it was his turn to do it for Joey. "Love you, Joe. So much."

"too," Joey mumbled, a smile curving his lips. He twitched once, and then went completely still, breathing slow and deep and quiet, still holding Nick's hand tightly.

Nick did watch him for a long time, smiling and letting Joey's slow, even breaths begin to calm him down. He wasn't gonna be sleeping right away, but for the first time in a while he couldn't feel the bunching of his muscles, didn't feel his pulse pounding in his temples. He stayed like that right until someone else joined them in the room again.

He wouldn't even have noticed, except that the door clicked a little when it shut. The doctor moved into the room on silent feet, looking at them affectionately and nodding when Nick put a finger to his own lips. He had a large glass in his hand, and set it carefully by Nick's flowers.