Nick made another face, but he nodded anyway. "I'm just worried that I'm ... I'm doing more damage to my throat by eating things I'm gonna throw up, than to my body by not eating much at all. I could maybe drink something?" His eyes widened in alarm as soon as he said that, though, a queasy, excited feeling running through his body at the very word. "I mean drink like juice. Juice."

"I think we're back to liquids, yeah, at least till your stomach's a little more predictable," Joey agreed, not commenting even though Nick knew he had to have seen the shiver. "Soup. Broth. Juice. Maybe a milkshake? You need fat and carbs and protein and I can't for the life of me figure out how to get 'em into you. Think a milkshake would be okay?"

Nick felt his stomach revolt a little at the idea of swallowing something like that. "Not too thick?" he suggested, hoping that would work. "I could probably ... if it was thin enough." He couldn't help making another face, though. But it was that or checking him into somewhere where they would set him up with an IV to make sure he wasn't malnourished, and the milkshake was far preferable. "I'll do my best."

"I just didn't want to offer you broth for breakfast, because, you know, not really breakfast food," Joey explained. "I'll make you the thinnest, lightest milkshake you've ever had. It'll be all bubbles. Wonderful fattening protein-filled bubbles of goodness. I mean, you did keep food down for a couple of hours last night, so I'm hoping you got some good out of it. It's really the only reason I'm even considering taking you out today."

"I would've come with you today whether you were considering it or not," said Nick stubbornly. He would gladly sit on the couch and watch bad movies with Joey and his family the rest of his time here, if that's what would satisfy him, but he'd come here for the wedding and he wouldn't disappoint Joey -- or himself -- by not being there. "I'll drink as much as I can. I promise."

"Oooh, spunk!" Joey grinned at him. "Now that I like to see. Okay, tough guy, shower time, unless you wanna just loll around in bed and let me give you a sponge bath." He cocked his head at Nick, eyes twinkling. "I never thought about that before, but I can definitely see the appeal now. "

"We're not in any kind of hurry," said Nick thoughtfully, thinking of his muscles that still ached, his throat that felt so raw and dry. "Do you think maybe we could have a bath, instead? Or I could?"

"I think that could be arranged," Joey said, still smiling. "It's a big tub, after all. I might even be able to get in. Though that would probably be a little distracting, what with all the wet nakedness." His fingers dug a little deeper into the muscles along Nick's spine, still gentle.

"Well," said Nick with another smile. "Like I said ... we're in no hurry. And speaking of no hurry ... keep doing that for a while or I swear I will get up and kill you. I mean it. That feels so, so good."

Joey chuckled lightly, moving a second hand to join the first, kneading with the heels of his hands, fingers finding knots and stiffness, thumbs pressing the ache between Nick's shoulder blades. "I'd hate to be killed on my cousin's wedding day," he commented, sliding closer so their hips touched. "I'm pretty sure it would curse the union or some such thing."

"Except that, the way you talk about it, no one would notice until after the ceremony, they'd be so focused on the happy couple," teased Nick, then moaned softly as Joey massaged his back. He'd known he was tense, but he didn't quite *know*, until the knots started to release.

"I'm hoping that's a good sound, and not an ow sound," Joey laughed. "Also a very sexy sound, you know." He kept up the massage, hands moving surely up and down Nick's back. "They'd notice. I'm pretty sure me and Steve are on 'carry heavy shit' patrol this afternoon, anyway."

"Great," said Nick with another soft moan. "I'd say I'd watch, but the truth is I'm never letting your hands leave my back again so they're just going to have to find someone else."

"Aw, now," Joey teased lightly. "I've got to move my hands sometime! I mean, think of all the other things I need to do with 'em. Eat, and shower, and move tables for the reception so my mom doesn't get *disappointed* in me. And you can watch and be my charming supportive boyfriend. And make fun of Steve. It'll be good."

"I'm not convinced," mumbled Nick, pressing his face down into the pillow. "Massage me for another couple hours and then I'll give you my verdict, k?"

"You're just a touch slut," Joey said admiringly. "Wow, look at you come all unstrung. If you wanted a bodyrub that bad, all you had to do was ask." He levered up and sat astride Nick's hips, rubbing harder now, down Nick's arms and even getting his hands and fingers, digging his thumb into the palm, pulling lightly at his fingers. "You're going all gooshy."

"Didn't know I wanted it this bad," admitted Nick, still mumbling his words, not wanting to summon up the energy to articulate. "Now that I do, never gonna forget again. You were born to do this. Forget that silly little singing thing and just do this forever."

Joey stilled long enough to laugh helplessly at that, before resuming. "Baby, much as I'd like to spend the rest of my days in bed with you, I think my band might be a little upset if I bailed on five years to become your full-time backrubber." He pressed down in the small of Nick's back, and Nick felt a pop and something go liquid and relaxed. "I like doing it, so you just ask from now on."

"I'll try not to forget," Nick assured him. "Never had anyone to do this before, other than on the road with a professional and all. 'S'really different when it's ... you know ... you. Someone who touches you and you .. um ... respond. You know what I mean?"

"Yeah," Joey said quietly, rubbing a bit more, then sliding his hands in one long firm press down Nick's spine before letting them rest just above his hips. "You're, ah, responding now? Or was that more in the maybe-someday way?"

Nick sighed and shook his head a little bit and hated himself for banishing that hope that had been in Joey's voice. "I can feel it," he said softly, missing Joey's hands already. "I can feel myself responding, on the inside. Wanting you. But the outside ... " He just sighed and shook his head again and knew that Joey would get the picture. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay," Joey said gently, moving his fingers again, petting now more than massaging. "Don't worry about it, don't even think about it. You know I'm happy just getting to hang out with you." He bent and pressed his lips to the tattoo on Nick's back, then up to the nape of his neck. "It'll happen when it happens."

"I wasn't really thinking about it," Nick promised him. "I mean, not until you said. I'm still sorry, though, that I can't ... that we can't just ... I mean. I *do* want to, Joey. I do."

"I know." Joey's hands were soft on his skin. "Don't get all tense again, I'd hate for all that hard work to go to waste." He sighed a little. "For me, though, like half the hotness is making you hot. Not that you don't make me hot, all the time, no matter what," he explained quickly, "obviously. But sex, for me...it's all about TWO people getting off. Making sure the other person feels good makes me feel really good. So, yeah. I'm just kinda explaining...I don't really...aw fuck." He climbed off Nick, shaking his head. "I'm saying this all wrong. What I'm sayin' is, I wanna wait to do stuff till you can play too. And I don't mind waiting at ALL. And you shouldn't be sorry, because just being with you is great."

"That doesn't make me feel any better," Nick had to tell him, though, and he could feel the tension returning. Though he was sure it would have anyway, and he was *still* way better than he'd been before Joey had started. "I feel like, just cause i messed up, then you're all suffering too ... "

"I'm not *suffering*," Joey said immediately. "I'm not. Seriously. I mean, I want you, a whole lot, and that's not gonna stop, but I'm cool. Like I said, I'm just happy you're here with me." The smile he sent Nick was open and easy. "We'll just have weekend marathons of sex when you're feeling better, is all."

"Once I can get my guy to cooperate, you mean," said Nick with a sigh, finally rolling over onto his back and finally displaying just how unresponsive it was being. Not that Joey really needed to see, but Nick needed not to be embarassed about it. "I like being able to make you feel good, even when I can't do myself, but ... if you want to wait, we can wait. I know it won't be long. I know it."

"Well, long or not, it'll be okay." Joey stroked the skin in the crease of his hip, sliding his hand down further and looking thoughtful. "Is it okay to touch you like this, though? Even if you're not getting hard? I like it."

Nick stared down at himself, then at Joey's hand, and frowned for a moment. "Well, yeah," he said finally, turning his head to face Joey. "I mean ... it feels nice, whether it's ... responding ... or not. Do you really want to?"

"It's nice," Joey said absently, watching his hand as fingers tangled in blond curls. "The skin's really soft and nice. Plus, it's like, getting to know how you feel. Test run?" He shook his head at himself, grinning. "And you've got more sparkly places than just your dick. Which we can play with later. When we don't have to shower and shop and be attentive to the happy couple."

"We'll have lots of time," agreed Nick, though it was so hard to conceive of the endless time that stretched out in front of him. He'd just been living for each day as it came, with this wedding being the only long-term goal he'd really had. Now that they were here, that goal had only stretched a few days, to the following Wednesday when he had to go home again. "And ... I guess you're not gonna have many chances to feel him like that. Cause I'm hoping that next time you try, he's gonna get big before you can even blink."

"That fast, huh," Joey grinned, before pulling his hand away and standing again. "C'mon, baby, it's bathtime for you. Can you get it ready, do you think? It's eight already, and..." he gestured to the phone almost apologetically, "I promised Kel I'd call. Bri's teething again..."

Nick let Joey help him up, his legs feeling shaky again, and gave him a lingering kiss before answering. "I need to call AJ back anyway," he admitted. "I was supposed to do it right away. Guess it's a good thing we both have phones. Tell both your girls hi for me?"

"Always." Joey kissed his neck, then his shoulder, before moving away and rummaging through his discarded clothes for his phone. "Jesus, three new voicemails. I hope JC didn't run into any more fans...Chris is supposed to be keeping an eye on him, dammit..." He fell off into mutters as he punched numbers into the phone, sinking onto the bed with his elbows propped on his knees.

Nick used the bedframe to support him as he bent over to pick up the phone, and hoped that maybe his legs would get a little sturdier as the day wore on. Half of him wanted to stay with Joey, just lie there and be touching him as he made the calls he needed to. But the other half remembered his resolve to be independent, to be adult about this relationship, so he gave Joey a kiss on the top of him and started shakily towards the bathroom, hoping there was nothing to trip over on the way.

"Ohhhh, hey, baby." Joey's voice was warm silk. "How's my girl? Are you being good for mommy? I miss you. Lots and lots and lots."

The water splashing drowned him out, as Nick turned the tap and leaned heavily against the sink. He peered into the mirror, then flinched away. Not much better than last night, though the thinness made his eyes look huge.

Joey pushed through the door behind him, one hand over the mouthpiece of his phone. "Can I tell Chris you're here with me?" he asked quickly and quietly.

Nick nodded his head easily and gave Joey a smile in spite of what he was feeling. Maybe he just wasn't seeing himself right, he hadn't brought his glasses in with him after all. Yeah, that was what he was going to tell himself.

"Say hi for me, too," he added quietly.

Joey sent him a thrilled grin, and didn't leave. "Dude! Okay, I'm so not getting mad at you for losing JC, because I have company this weekend." He paused, and Nick could hear the high-pitched tinny voice, but no words. "No, no. Nick came! Yeah. Yeah. No, man. Totally dating. And he says hey!" He beamed at Nick. "HAH! I know!" He put his hand over the mouthpiece again and whispered "he's congratulating me on dating the best-looking Backstreet Boy." His attention snapped back. "What? Oh, he didn't. Oh, boy." Longer pause again. "So not my problem. I don't care. Eh, whatever. I'll ask, I guess. A'right, man, I got a pretty boy waiting for me, why am I talking to your pixie ass?" He chortled. "No thanks. Tell C I say yo. And I'm not calling...no. Chris, no. You talk to his divaness. Whatever. Later." He snapped the phone shut.

"He didn't seem very surprised I was here with you," noted Nick. He hadn't even turned his cell phone back on, let alone made his phone call. "I don't mind, at all, he just ... didn't. Were you supposed to ask me something? Or was that someone else?"

"He was a little surprised, but I think JC told him some stuff." Joey shrugged and smiled. "He wanted to know if I was keeping you in sin, though, or if we were actually dating. Subtlety isn't Chris's strong suit." He groaned a little. "The question was for you, yeah. Apparently I'm a bad influence, Justin wants a boyfriend now. He got drunk last night, fell RIGHT off the wagon, and ended up sobbing in Chris's lap about how he's really really gay and wants a boyfriend and that's how Chris lost JC. But anyway. So, you know anyone who's good and discreet and hot and single and would be sweet to my boy? Gay bandmate you're keeping secret? Mysterious twin?"

Nick slumped -- fell, practically -- onto the edge of the tub and just sat there for a moment, hardly noticing the water splashing up on him. "Fell off the wagon, just like that, huh? After all this time, he gets stressed out over one little thing, and ... and that's it, for him? It was that easy to slip?"

"No, hey..." Joey moved closer, crouched in front of him and put a hand on his knee. "Listen to me, now. It's not just one little thing, for one thing. Which still doesn't make it okay. But for him, it wasn't ever the alcohol so much as the drugs. He was hooked hard. And what he does, how he is? That has nothing to do with you." He stroked Nick's skin. "I think it is easy to slip, sometimes. And he's not very smart about stuff sometimes, and he's not careful." He turned off the water, dropping the room back into quiet. "It's happened before, and he always picks himself up after even more determined. Especially after I kick his ass. But he's not an alcoholic, Nick, it's just more that he knows it's a bad idea for him to drink. And sometimes he's dumb."

Nick just nodded his head and scrubbed at his forehead with the heel of his hand for a moment. "Sometimes I'm dumb, too," he murmured. "We already know that, Joey. But I'm not gonna ... I'm not gonna think about that right now. I'm doing okay. And ... sorry, no secret gay bandmates. That I know of. But I'll keep an eye out."

"You're not dumb," Joey said firmly, catching his fingers and kissing the tips. "And you're doing more than okay. Remember, you can't be perfect. Nobody can be perfect, not you, not me, certainly not Justin. Everybody makes mistakes, an' as long as you learn from them, they're okay." He smiled against Nick's fingertips. "Too bad about the gay bandmate. It would have been nice to have allies in both camps. Coulda set up a joint tour, or something. You sure that cute little Howie is straight? Have you seen the clothes he wears?"

"I'm not saying Howie's straight," argued Nick with a tiny smile, "though I think he is. Mostly. But he's hardly a *secret* now, is he? Anyway ... how come Justin's suddenly decided he needs a boyfriend so bad? *That* bad?"

"I have no idea," Joey sighed. "He's notional like that, though. Gets an idea in his head and runs with it till he drops. It's exhausting. I'm gonna make Chris deal with it, since you didn't offer up AJ on the altar of the Timberlake hotness. Or Howie. Or your secret twin. Whatever." He reached past Nick to touch the water. "Oh, and just so we're clear, I love you." His eyes were clear and warm and happy.

"I love you, too," said Nick softly, the words bringing back some of his confidence, some of his good spirits. "I'm definitely clear on that. You know if I ... if I think of anyone, that Justin might like? I'd say. I just don't really know a lot of gay people anymore. Never really did. You, though, you probably would, right?"

"Not as many as you'd think," Joey disagreed, splashing the water a bit. "Like I said, I don't have too many friends outside the guys, and my family. I mean, I've got an ex or two, but that would be..." He shuddered. "Well, you can imagine. Anyway, it's probably for the best. Howie would probably be eaten alive. Justin's not a very peaceful person. Though he and AJ..." Joey grinned wickedly. "I might pay to see that. No, I'd definitely pay."

Nick grinned back, faintly. "Well, I'm not saying that AJ wouldn't. I have no idea. He certainly wouldn't be put off by the idea, I don't think, except that he's got a girlfriend right now ... " Nick only vaguely recalled the conversation that he'd had with AJ, but he was pretty sure they'd confirmed that he was at least slightly to the side of straight.

Joey arched an interested eyebrow at him, but let it drop for the moment. "I don't even know why he's spazzing, it's not like the kid is hard up for dates. Guess he just wants to be sure it's someone he can trust." He sighed again, and heaved to his feet. "Okay, we can do this while getting clean. Think we'll both fit?" He eyed the large antique tub consideringly.

"We might get tangled," mused Nick, standing up weakly. "But I think that would be okay. I think that actually might be kinda fun."

"It is a big tub," Joey agreed, wrapping an arm around his waist and helping him step into the tub, before sliding in behind him, sighing blissfully in the hot water and tucking Nick between his legs. The water level rose alarmingly close to the edge. "No splashing," He said, smiling. "I'd hate to flood...I don't even know what's downstairs. But whatever it is, I'd hate to flood it."

"I don't think I have the energy to splash anyway," he admitted, letting his eyes drift closed, letting the water and Joey's arms soothe him again. "So how would the rest of the guys be, with you and Justin both having boyfriends hanging around?"

"It would drive Lance absolutely insane," Joey chuckled low, seemingly not too worried about it. "For about a week, and then he'd just sigh and get over it. He's got this fantastic ability to accept the inevitable, our Lance. Chris would be a gigantic pain in the ass, just like he is when we have *girl*friends, buying us gag gifts and flavored lube and stuff. JC would be so happy he'd probably float away forever on a cloud of bliss. C's only happy when the people he loves are happy, so, yeah." Joey kissed Nick's shoulder lightly. "They're amazing guys. I love 'em a lot."

"They sound pretty amazing," agreed Nick softly, splashing the water just a little bit as he lifted his knees. "I think we'd better not set up Justin and AJ just in case Kevin his a coronary, though. I think presenting you to him is gonna be quite enough."

"Oh, I don't know," Joey smiled against his shoulder. "Might as well hit him with all the bad stuff at once, you know? Get it out and over with and dealt with. Then you can set him up in a home where he can play with fingerpaints all day and sing to the walls. Might be worth it, to see Justin bounce off AJ a few times. God." He laughed again.

"Just think of the headlines," laughed Nick softly. "It's almost worth it. I think he'd be very happy in a place like that. But ... no. There's the whole problem with AJ having a girlfriend first of all, you see. So I think we're safe from a completely breakdown."

"Awww." Joey pouted briefly. "And I was all set to borrow Steve's videocamera. Damn." He cupped water in his palms and brought them up, tipping steaming water over Nick's shoulders. "I think he's gonna break off the thing with Brit, though. So, and I hate to say this because it's sucky, but at least we won't have to worry about press for a while. Of course, we're gonna have to find him someone soon, because a horny Justin is a completely intolerable Justin, and jesus, we're going on tour in the not-too-distant future."

"Well, I'd think that being on tour would kinda alleviate the whole horny Justin thing," said Nick. "Going from city to city, new club to go to in each one ... " Then he stopped and bit his lip and held back anything he was going to say. "Not that Justin's anything like that. I mean, that was probably just me."

"In addition to being high-maintenance, dramatic, a recovering drug addict, and way too pretty for his own good, Justin's an incurable romantic," Joey said, only laughing a little. "Which is not to say he won't hook up. Just that it won't be nearly as often as you'd think." He stroked Nick's arms for a moment, quietly. "You were a big clubber, huh?" He finally asked.

"Isn't that the whole problem?" muttered Nick, sinking further into the water as though it could hide him. It didn't -- not from Joey and especially not from himself. "Drinking, finding myself in back rooms. The whole thing. You know I didn't have boyfriends. Being with guys was ... easier in the dark."

Joey let him slide down, resting his head back on a firm chest, surrounded by hot water and a warm damp body. Nick hooked his arms over Joey's raised knees, anchoring himself and floating a little.

"I dunno about the whole problem," Joey said carefully, finally, "but part of it, yeah. What about when you DID have a boyfriend?"

"Then I skipped the back room part," said Nick reasonably. "I had somewhere else to get that from. The rest ... stayed."

"Well, at least that means you weren't drinking because you hated being gay so much you had to be trashed to have sex," Joey mused. "I think. Because that would suck, for me anyway. You wanna wash your hair?"

"I did, at first," whispered Nick. "At first. But not now. Not anymore." He squeezed his eyes closed for a moment, then blinked them open again. "Yeah, let's do my hair."

"Hope not," Joey whispered, and kissed his shoulder again. "Okay, dunk. Get all wet, I'll do the rest. I think I should quit my job and be a hairdresser, like Richard's boyfriend Antonio. I love playing with it. I'm such a girl."

"Sorry I don't have much to play with," said Nick, not entirely serious, leaning forward to dunk his hair in the only space of open water where he could. "You still talk to Richard a lot?"

Joey smoothed wet strands back out of his face, before squirting apple shampoo all over Nick's head and beginning to rub it in gently. "You can do me next," he said. "Yeah, I talk to him a bunch. He's a good guy. One of the few non-industry people I know, so that's good."

"Maybe *he* knows someone for Justin," mused Nick, feeling himself relax even further. "Justin could probably really use someone non-industry."

"Justin couldn't handle someone non-industry," Joey disagreed. "He's so industry himself he barely knows anything else exists. Like, he doesn't even think to explain, or understand, that other people live differently. It's not his fault, it's just...he's been in it for so long, and his parents...well, you know." He swiped bubbles off Nick's forehead. "Rinse. So he'd need someone at least someone who had some connection, just to understand how his mind works. How *he* works."

"Well, that makes it a little more difficult," admitted Nick, sliding down further under the water so he could lean back this time, to let Joey help rinse his hair. "Too bad Britney wasn't a guy, huh."

"Yeah, that would've been ideal." Joey fanned his hair out into the water, combing through it. "It almost worked even though she isn't. They really do love each other. That's gonna be really, really bad. Either that or the friendliest breakup in history. Hard to say till it happens, but he's gonna be a mess, I think. Poor kid." He tugged Nick up into his semi-reclined position again. "What about you and Jay? I know you said you still talk."

"Yeah, we do, from time to time," said Nick with just the tiniest nod, which felt off from the position he was in. "And it's starting to be almost entirely not awkward. I think he'll be really happy to hear what's going on with me right now, actually."

"That's great," Joey said warmly. "That's really great, Nick. It's so much nicer when you're still friends. I mean, he was your first boyfriend...that's really special, you know?" He shifted a little behind Nick. "Do my hair for me? I'm all sleep-gross."

Nick had to turn around to do that, resting on his knees, and was very pleased and surprised to discover that his body was limber enough to do it easily. "He was pretty special. If things had been different, maybe it would have worked ... but they weren't. And I don't even need to think about it because I have you now and he has someone and things really worked out for the best. In that, anyway."

Joey tipped his head into Nick's hands with a happy sigh. "Yeah, you got me babe." He hummed a few bars. "I'm glad you had someone good for your first. He musta been really great. Though the nasty selfish part of me is pretty glad it didn't work out, for whatever reason."

"Just like the nasty selfish part of me is pretty glad things didn't last between you and Richard," said Nick, wetting down Joey's hair before reaching for the shampoo, and splashing a little more water out of the tub. "You know, we're not gonna be able to do this anymore when I'm full-size Nick again."

"We'll just get a bigger bathtub," Joey murmured, tipping forward until Nick could see the soft place at the base of his neck. "We can afford it. With maybe a jacuzzi, and environmental controls to keep the water the perfect temperature. That would be really cool." He hummed a little as Nick worked the shampoo through his hair, clearly enjoying the attention. "Of course then we'd really never get anything done."

For a long moment all Nick wanted to do was touch Joey, feel him. He ran his fingers down the back of his neck towards his spine, and leaned forward to kiss the top of Joey's head warmly, ignoring the lather that clung to the end of his nose when he did. It was suddenly overwhelming again, everything that had happened and everything that was still happening, in all parts of his life.

Joey tilted his head up curiously, smiling a little and reaching out to wipe the foam off Nick's nose. "What was that for?"

"Just 'cause," said Nick softly, focusing on Joey's hair again and forcing those feelings under control again. "Just 'cause everything, I guess. Now lean back, you gotta rinse."

"Okay." Joey was pliant in his hands, sliding down in the tub and bending back to get his head under the water. His hips slipped, though, and he suddenly slid too far, going under completely and coming up flailing and sputtering. "Ack." He wiped bubbles and water out of his eyes. "You're much better at this."

Nick couldn't help but grin at him, wiping lather away and kissing the tip of his nose. "Yes, I am," he agreed playfully. "You wanna try again? I've got you this time." And he slid an arm around Joey's back.

"mmm." Joey tipped back over his arm, arching carefully, showing off a little, maybe. "That's better." He shook his head back and forth in the water, rinsing his hair, then came back upright without any visible strain. "You've *still* got me, babe." He danced a little where he sat, making the water slosh alarmingly, before leaning in to kiss Nick with lips that tasted like warm water and shampoo.

"There," said Nick quietly. "That's the hard part taken care of. Now we can just ... relax." He didn't want to turn around again yet, though, and stayed on his knees in front of Joey.

Joey pulled back a little and just looked at him for a minute, still with a little smile playing around his mouth. He ran a thumb over Nick's collarbone, letting it come to rest at the hollow at the base of his throat. "C'mere," he finally said, and pulled Nick to his lap, still facing him, tugging at his knee until Nick gave up and just wrapped his legs around Joey's waist.

"It's gonna be a bitch to get untangled later," he said with a smile, but again he was pleasantly susprised to discover his muscles were loose enough to be able to change position so easily. "You know, I think I might be up for a little bit of breakfast after all. Of course, by the time we ge down there, there's bound to be someone insisting on feeding me anyway."

"No doubt," Joey agreed, hands sliding down to Nick's hips and holding him close. He pushed his face into Nick's chest a little, as Nick draped arms over his shoulders for balance. "Won't be that hard. I mean, it will be," he pushed his hips up a little, "but all you hafta do is stand up. What do you think you could eat?"

"I don't know," he said, kissing Joey's hair again. "What do you think they'll have? Something small, I guess. And if that stays down, then I'm good for later, for whatever you have then. I'm just ... I feel hungry, but after last night ... I'm worried."

"Baby steps," Joey murmured into his skin. "We'll take it nice and slow. Start with your milkshake, maybe, and then some toast. We definitely don't want to stress your poor tummy out. No more puking, if we can help it. It'll smell really good down there, too, that's bound to help your appetite."

"Throat hurts still," he murmured with a sigh, letting himself rest more weight against Joey. "Think I might've done something bad to it, throwing up."

"All that acid isn't good for it," Joey agreed, letting him settle closer. "No yelling, no singing for you, okay? Give it a rest for a while, and I'll get you some tea with honey when we go downstairs. Gotta take care of the instrument, right?"

"Right," said Nick. "Cause that's what I'm good for. I don't *think* I did anything permanent to it, but I just don't want to take any chances. Don't want to make it any worse."

"Well, it is kinda your job to sing," Joey pointed out. "You've got a gorgeous voice, it would be a shame to hurt it." He bumped his slightly-cold nose against Nick's collarbone. "So we'll coddle the stomach and make sure you don't scream for a while. I'm sure it'll be fine."

"I can watch you eat," said Nick, giving him a brave smile. "You'll have to have enough for both of us. Besides, they'll all think it's cute, the way you're eating off my plate. When they aren't watching the bride and groom, that is."

"We'll just make sure you get nice easy food, and eat real slow and careful," Joey said calmly. "Though I'll probably still pick off your plate. You shouldn't let me, though. Remember, I gotta get back in those goddamn pants for the tour, and I'm about two sizes bigger than that already."

"Yeah, well, *after* this weekend, then we'll worry about that. You know better than I do how impossible that's gonna be while we're here, right?" It felt warm and comfortable in Joey's arms, and Nick just wanted to stay there.

"Yeah, and then I'll just...remove those extra ten pounds from this weekend and give 'em to you." Joey grinned up at him. "Too bad that won't work, huh? All our size problems solved in one nice easy move. 'Course, then my legs would be falling asleep right now, and I like you right where you are."

"So we'll have to enjoy this while we can, then," said Nick, squirming a little in his lap. "There was a time when I hated that extra weight. Now I'm dying to have it back."

Joey's breath hitched a bit when Nick moved, fingers digging into the soft skin of his hip before relaxing again. "Don't think I ain't gonna have you in my lap even after," he warned, chuckling. "I like you here. I'll like you here even more when you're feeling better. You look good, bigger."

"Thanks," said Nick, leaving it at that. Trying not to think about the future anymore right then because it was so full of hurdles he still had to clear. And the moment they were in was so much easier and happier than that. "Joey," he said softly. "Joey." Then he took Joey's hand and brought it very carefully down to his groin. He wasn't hard, no, but he wasn't soft either. It was a start.

Joey tipped his head down and breathed very lightly and carefully, like anything big might make it go away, and his hand traced Nick from base to tip. Then he cupped Nick's ass, lifting him lightly and bringing him even closer, snugging their hips together, the tip of his own hardness nudging behind Nick's balls before sliding back to lie between his legs. Then he held still and kept breathing evenly, hands light on Nick's hips. "Is that okay?"

"Yes," said Nick, still so softly, as though he, too, thought his arousal was that fragile. "You can touch me more, it's okay."

Joey smiled a little and rocked against him gently, sliding one hand over the swell of hip and around, touching lightly where Nick was spread wide open by the way he straddled Joey's body. A fingertip brushed his hole, returning to touch featherlight and teasing, warm and wet in the water, and Nick blinked down into Joey's eyes. "Still okay?" Joey whispered.

Nick nodded quickly, then grinned and let the good, good feelings flood him. "Not just okay," he promised him. "Not *just* okay. Better. But remember ... no splashing."

"Better than okay?" Joey smiled, teasing gently, still moving slowly and carefully and touching him only with his fingertips. "That's good. No splashing, nope. Just gonna feel nice stuff for a while, and go real slow, and make sure your body remembers that this is a good thing." His fingers brushed back and forth, back and forth, touching skin that felt paper-thin to Nick, who shivered a little.

"I think my body's remembering just fine," he said with a quiet laugh. A *happy* laugh. "How's it ... um ... how's it feeling from your end?"

Joey's hand had displaced his own cock, and he chuckled a little at the question. "Oh my god, you don't even want to ask me that. I'm hanging on by my fingernails here. I haven't touched you like this in...too long, I'm about to just explode all over." He looked up at Nick through damp, spiky lashes. "You feel really fucking good, to me."

"Well, if you do shoot, at least it'll be easy to clean up," he said, leaning in close to give Joey a kiss, just a brief one. "But give me some warning ... cause I'd really like to help."

"Mmmhmmmm..." Joey chased his mouth as he pulled back, even though he couldn't really reach. "You're already helping." The hand that wasn't touching Nick already snaked down between them, slipping over Nick's wet belly, catching in his navel briefly, before touching oh-so-gently where Nick was getting harder, little by little.

Nick hissed softly, but in the good way, at how good that felt. Being underwater hadn't desensitized him, thankfully. "You know what I mean by that," he said, though. "I want to be touching you, when you do."

"More than you are right now?" Joey grinned at him wickedly, "You gonna do some bad touching?" He hoisted Nick a little again, and when he settled him back, Joey's erection was thick and hot beneath him. Joey bit his lip, still grinning, though he was starting to pant a little and Nick saw his cheeks flush hotly.

"Well, this'll do, too," Nick had to admit, grinning back and squirming playfully again. "we'll have to remember this position. I think I really like it."

"HOLY-" Joey blurted, breath speeding up at Nick's movement. "The hips on you, boy..." He breathed hard through his mouth, then grinned again. "Yeah, I like it too. This is definitely going in the repertoire." He eased his hips up a little, pressing more firmly against Nick. "Ohgod." His hands were shaking, even though he never stopped touching Nick's cock, delicately and carefully.

Nick kept moving the way he had been -- it was easy and comfortable and didn't put much strain on his body. And seemed to be doing amazing things to Joey. He knew he wasn't going to come, but that was okay because it all felt so nice and they were both so happy and things were just ... good.

Joey hummed low in his throat, eyes falling almost closed as he twisted under Nick, corkscrewing his hips a little and leaning his shoulders back against the edge of the tub. The water was sloshing alarmingly, but Joey didn't even seem to notice, using his free hand on Nick's him to pull him down even more firmly. "Yeah...like that..." he gasped, and threw his head back, going rigid and biting his lip again. Nick felt the pulses against the delicate skin between his legs, Joey's come a little cooler than the water as it touched him and washed away instantly.

It was some of the nicest, most uncomplicated sex Nick had ever had, and for a moment he just smiled at Joey, happy and content. "I'm definitely going to remember this," he said, leaning in carefully for a kiss.

Joey smiled back, and opened easily for Nick's kiss, hand sliding up his side to his arm, then down to his hand, folding their fingers together. "You're gonna start thinking I have, like, no stamina," he murmured into Nick's mouth, flicking his thumb over the head of Nick's cock even as he spoke. "I'm like a teenager around you, and you're all Mr. self control."

"I won't be, if I had any choice in the matter," Nick reminded him, the way Joey was touching him still feeling good in spite of that. "You haven't really seen me in a natural state yet. *I* haven't seen me in a natural state. We have no idea how I'm gonna be."

"I guess that's true." Joey pulled back from his mouth and smiled, not letting go of his erection. "Something else to look forward to. Figuring out what pulls your trigger fastest." He looked sated and relaxed and almost ready to drift off to sleep, except for the smile and his hand.

"My body might turn out to be all different than I'm used to," admitted Nick, pushing himself lightly into Joey's touch. Shivering it felt so good. "We'll both of us be discovering all this stuff."

"That'll just make it that more fun," Joey said lightly, though his eyes dropped a little. "It'll be like Christmas, figuring out what your favorite thing's gonna be, what turns you on. Like a happy surprise." He tugged lightly. "You just gotta tell me when there's something you really like."

"What, you think I wouldn't?" said Nick with a smile, hissing lowly again. "You think I'd find something that really, really turned me on and wouldn't tell you? You're nuts."

"You never know." Joey smiled at him a little. "Same goes for stuff that really *doesn't* turn you on, remember. Even if you think I don't wanna hear it." He stared, eyes wide, as Nick rocked a little into his hand. "Wow, you look so good right now." He laughed, a little selfconsciously.

Joey looked so good when he laughed, and Nick smiled back easily. "This -- *this* -- feels really good, Joey. *Really* good. But I don't think I'm going to ... "

"Oh." Joey looked down at his hand, at Nick's erection, and pulled away. "Um...sorry? Pushing too hard, again, huh?" He moved a little, definitely selfconscious now, a strange look for him. "Hey, did you ever call AJ? He must be freaking out, huh?"

"No," said Nick softly, reaching for Joey's hand. "I mean, no, I haven't. But more ... no, don't stop. Please?" He deliberately wrapped Joey's fingers around himself again. "I just don't want you to be disappointed, if I don't. Please?"

Joey moved his hand tentatively again. "I just...okay, but you gotta tell me when you don't want it any more, because I won't be able to tell, okay?" He stroked more firmly. "I wouldn't be disappointed in you. But if it's still feeling good, that's good."

Nick bit his lip and nodded, embarassed about it all over again. "You don't have to," he murmured, giving Joey an out if he wanted it. "I wouldn't want you to, you know, do anything that made you uncomfortable."

"Hey, no." Joey's free hand came up and cupped his cheek. "No, I just want to make sure I'm doing what *you* want." He chuckled a little. "I know sometimes it gets...tender, if you play with it too long and you stay hard too long. So I just wanna make sure you tell me to stop, when you're ready."

"I will," promised Nick, wishing he didn't have to. Wishing things could just happen naturally already. "Don't worry, I will, I just wanted to feel it some more." And give Joey a chance to see that he really *did* turn Nick on, and that there wasn't anything to worry about. He just hoped it didn't backfire, with him -- his body -- not being *quite* ready yet.

"C'mere." Joey slid that hand around to the nape of his neck, pulling him down for a long, wet kiss. "You can feel it as long as you like. I'm just glad I can make you feel good. More ways than just rubbing your back."

"There's a lot to be said for rubbing my back," argued Nick, thrusting up gently into Joey's hand again. He really didn't know *what* was going to happen, though he could feel he'd never quite reached complete hardness. "I think we should explore this whole rubbing thing a lot more in the next while."

Joey grinned at him again, finally, and let him move. "Oh, I like rubbing your back. Too. But I love touching you sexy. You make the best faces. And I can pretty much guarantee that I'll be rubbing whatever you like, whenever you like. I'll be your personal portable Magic Fingers."

"I'll try not to get you to do anything inappropriate," teased Nick. "Like rubbing me during the wedding. That would be fun, but wrong."

"SO wrong," Joey laughed, "though now you got the idea in my head, you know I'm gonna be thinking about it the whole time. Too bad we're gonna be in one of the front rows. I'm not even gonna be able to hold your hand." His thumb rubbed down the big vein in Nick's cock. "Or other things, either."

"Wait," said Nick softly, frowning at him for a moment. "Why can't you hold my hand? I thought ... I thought that kind of thing was okay?"

"Ah, well..." Joey looked down. "We can. No one in the family's gonna mind, not a bit. But we don't really know the priest, you know, and just...I thought maybe not such a good idea, Catholic and all. Not that he'd say anything, but I don't wanna distract from the happy couple, either."

"We can stop now," said Nick softly, gently pulling Joey's hand away from him and hoping he knew it wasn't him. "The water is starting to get cold, we should probably get out."

"Um, yeah, okay." Joey rubbed his hand over Nick's shoulder, and smiled at him. "You should call AJ anyway, and we've gotta get going to find you a suit. Oh, and breakfast! Can't forget that. Most important meal of the day, you know."

"Not really hungry," mumbled Nick, regretting it as soon as the words were out of his mouth. He wasn't, but Joey didn't need to hear that. "Should call AJ, yeah. Help me up?"

"Nick, you said..." Joey sighed, then shook his head. "Here." He pushed Nick back, off his thighs, and pulled again to get him to his knees. "Let me get out first, so I can give you a hand, okay? And then we'll talk about breakfast."

Nick looked down and nodded and just waited there in the cooling water for Joey to get out. "Sorry," he mumbled, almost too low to hear. He'd meant it not to be heard at all, but the bathroom was too small and the acoustics too good to let the word disappear completely.

"Don't apologize," Joey said softly, stepping out of the tub and turning with his hands outstretched. "We had a great morning, you can't help it if your appetite comes and goes. I just worry, a lot, and want you to be all better right away. When you said you wanted breakfast, I just got my hopes up, is all."

"I'm always disappointing you," said Nick with a soft sigh, letting Joey help him up and then just standing there on weak legs. Feeling exposed and embarassed and just ... wrong, the way he'd been feeling right not so long ago. "I guess we oughtta get used to that. Or maybe ... I just can't be ... what I'm supposed to be. You could probably find someone better, you know. You could find someone else to love you so easy, Joey."

"C'mere, honey." Joey stepped up and lifted him out of the tub, not letting go once he was clear. He grabbed a towel and walked back out into the room, dripping water everywhere, ignoring Nick's startled protest. "Shh. No, just listen to me. Listen." He sat down on the edge of the bed, wrapping Nick in the towel and not letting him wriggle off his lap. "You haven't ever disappointed me. I'm sad when you don't feel good, I wish you were feeling better, but I'm not disappointed. I don't ever want you thinkin' that. I could never find anyone better for me than you."

"Joey, *every*one's better than me. How can you even say that? You could walk out in the middle of the street right now and stop the next car that comes by and find someone better for you than me. I'm just ... a mess. And a burden."

Joey snorted. "Nick, we're in Brooklyn. If I walked out in the middle of the street and stopped a car I'd probably get shot. But that's beside the point. The point is, I love *you*, not some random person. You're kind of a mess, sure, but no more than millions of other people, less so than many. You're not a burden, you're a treasure. I'm just happy every minute I get to spend with you."

"Why? Why, when what you get is *this*?" Nick gestured down at himself and then sighed. "Just let me pack my things. I can be back on a flight to Orlando before you even have to be at the wedding."

"Nick," Joey sounded a little panicked. "You don't wanna...I'll stop pushing, I swear. I don't mean to, I just worry, you know? Don't go." He squeezed Nick almost too tightly. "Please?"

"Joey, you're not pushing. You're not. It's not you." Nick closed his eyes and shivered as the cold started to seep in, everywhere. "You can do better. I'm not good for you. I'm not good for anyone. And I really ... shouldn't be at that wedding."

"I *can't* do better, I don't *want* to, I just want you." Joey sounded really scared now, but Nick couldn't open his eyes to look. "Tell me what I did, we were doing so good, and now this, and you can't leave, I won't let you." He grabbed the blanket and pulled it around them both, bundling them up. "You're so good for me," he whispered sadly. "How can you think that?"

"What have I ever done for you?" asked Nick honestly, just feeling colder inside. "What have I ever offered you, Joey? I'm just ... being here will just bring everyone down. And I wouldn't be your date for the wedding anyway, so it won't really matter that I'm not there. You'll get to spend some time with your family and not have to worry about my shit."

"What are you talking about?" Joey sounded baffled. "You wouldn't be my date? Of course you're my date! You're my boyfriend, Nick, you're my date. Everyone's so happy you're here, my folks, me, everyone. They can all see how happy you make me." He pressed his face into Nick's shoulder. "If you don't go, I'm not going either."

"Joey, don't be silly, you *came* here for the wedding, no one's gonna let you stay in here, all cooped up with me. They'd just drag you off if you tried. You're gonna have a great time, you know you are. And me ... I'll be fine. Just don't worry about me. You've had to do enough of that."

"If you don't go, I'm not going," Joey said, stubbornness in his voice like iron. "No one makes me do stuff I don't wanna do, and they won't drag me anywhere. And I wouldn't have a great time without you, I'd be miserable and lonely and worried and sad. So you might as well get comfortable, if we're in for the day." He shifted the blanket, pulled the towel free, and started rubbing at Nick's hair with it.

"Joey," he said with a weary sigh. "You *are* being silly. This is family and I'm just me and you're just being stubborn. You know you'd have a better time without me. You wouldn't have to worry about anything, about people not liking me or about being inappropriate or if i'm gonna do something stupid like get sick or try and drink or anything."

"This is family and you're more important and okay, maybe I'm being a little stubborn, but I can if I want." Joey's mouth was set in a stubborn line, no sign of its usual soft curve. "I don't think you'd do anything inappropriate or stupid. God, I never. You might feel sick, sure, but that's not your fault! And it wouldn't be a big deal!"

"Shhh," said Nick softly, hiding his face again. "Shhh, Joey." His stomach was upset again and there was no way he was going to eat now. His body just wasn't ready to handle food. There was only one thing it really wanted, but he wasn't going to say it. If he didn't say it, it wasn't as real. "You're not missing the wedding."

"I'm not gonna shhh!" Joey's voice rose. "I don't. I don't understand. What happened? We were all...and you were...and we were good, and now this?" He held Nick close, dropping the towel. "If you're not there, I'm gonna miss the wedding, okay? That's all there is to it. I'm not leavin' you."

"Joey, shhh," he said again, choking a bit on the word. "You can't. Why? Why would you? These people, they're all important to you ... they're all really good people. You won't miss the wedding. Look it's just, it's obvious I don't belong here. It's all too ... too good, for me. Just like you. I'm just gonna ... gonna call AJ, he can meet me at the airport and get me home ... "

"FUCK THAT." Joey almost shouted, then calmed himself with visible effort. "Okay, okay, we gotta talk about this. You've gotta...you're thinking you're not good enough? For me, for my family? What are you talking about? You're this gorgeous talented strong..." He took a breath. "You're not calling AJ. Well, you can, but you're not going, not till we get this worked out. I love you an' I'm not losing you because you think you're not *good* enough."

"I love you too, Joey," he said softly, strill shrinking back from him a little. "I love you ... a lot. A whole lot. But that doesn't mean I think I'm any good for you. Hell, if I didn't love you I *would* just keep taking and taking 'cause you keep offering to me. But I do and ... haven't you ever heard the saying, if you love something, set it free? You don't have to look after me Joey. I love you, but I won't be this burden to you."

"But you're not a burden to me!" Joey wailed. "I love you, I love being with you, you're so good for me. You can't set me free if I won't go! You're SO good for me, my mama even said I was just looking so happy, how can you think you aren't?" He went still for a minute, then drew back a little, looking at Nick with dry, wide eyes. "Is it...do you not...do you not wanna be with me anymore? Were...is this all...was it too much?"

"No!" said Nick quickly. "No ... Joey ... no. I'm just ... I'm not giving anything back, to this. I'm just here and I'm needy and I'm just taking. All the time taking, from you. Your help and your love and your patience and your *family*, and what have I giving you? More responsibility. Frustration. Inconvenience. Trouble."

"Just...why can't you just let me..." Joey finally relaxed, slumping into him with a sigh, wrapping arms around his waist and holding him close. "You give me so much. Your love, your trust, your company. Your sweet self. Why would I want anything else? I love helping you, I love sharing my family with you, I love *you*. It's not a trouble. It's no inconvenience. I don't know how to make you believe me." He buried his face in Nick's neck.

"You don't even know me," murmured Nick. "*I* don't even know me. As long as we've been together it's never been easy for you. Wouldn't you just rather have something easy?"

"No." Joey's tone was definite. "I don't want anything but you. Hard, easy, whatever. You think I didn't know what I was getting into when we started? My eyes were wide open, Nick. And I know you. I know a lot about you. And I love what I know."

"You did know what you were getting into," agreed Nick, sneaking one hand up to scrub at his eyes. "You had to know, nothing was hidden when I was with you. So why, then? Why *did* you?"

"Because I...because I liked you, at first." Joey pushed his nose against Nick's skin. "You were funny, even when you were miserable. You were so pretty. You were stubborn and sweet. And then, then I started loving you, for all that, and lots more. Because you needed me, and I love helping you, I love that you need me, sometimes. Not all the time, because you're strong, but sometimes."

"So if I stop needing you, do you stop loving me, then?" asked Nick, feeling very small.

"No. If you stop needing me, do you stop loving *me?*" Joey's voice was a little hoarse, and Nick wished he could see his eyes.

"No," said Nick shakily. "I don't love you because I need you. I love you because you're wonderful and I just do."

"I don't love you because you need me, I love you because you're wonderful and I just do." Joey's voice was barely a whisper.

Nick twisted his body to wrap his arms around Joey and just rest there for a moment, sniffling softly and feeling his heart just thump under his ribcage. "I don't want to feel like this ... all not worthy. But it happens anyway, Joey."

"Just...just don't leave, okay? Even if you're feeling that way?" Joey's breath was shaky in his hair, his arms tight around Nick's body. "It's okay, I don't understand why you do, but it's okay. Just don't scare me like that. I don't know what I'd do without you, any more."

"I don't understand that," said Nick earnestly, surprised by the sheer depth of emotion that Joey was showing him. "I don't ... I really thought ... I would have been doing it for you, Joey. I wasn't trying to scare you."

"How would you feel, if I suddenly told you that you were too good for me? That I wasn't what you needed, that I was leaving you for your own good?" Joey's voice was still raw. "If I got up in the middle of a wonderful weekend together and said I was going away?"

"But that would never happen," said Nick, unable to imagine it. "Because I'm not. I'm ... Joey, things are just so messed up with me right now. Don't say that, please?"

"Just think," Joey insisted. "I know things are messed up with you. I even get that you thought you were doing a good thing. But it wasn't, it wasn't the right thing, don't you see how scary that was for me?" He sighed, and collapsed back on the bed, bringing Nick with him, still buried under the comforter, still slightly damp.

"I thought maybe it would be a relief," said Nick softly, closing his eyes tightly again. "I wanted to make things easy for you, and I'm just ... not easy. I'm hard and things are just gonna get harder, I think."

Joey laughed shakily. "Next time you want to make things easy for me, just don't mention leaving, okay? I think you took about ten years off my life." He rolled to his side, pulling Nick tightly against his body. "Things'll get harder, and easier, and harder again, and that's the way *all* relationships are. If we're meant to be, we'll last it out. But I can tell you right now, I'll never accept 'I'm not good enough for you' as an argument for ending what we have."

"I'm not," insisted Nick. "I'm just not. Not yet, anyway. But I guess ... I guess you want me anyway. You just ... you *know* that wasn't a threat, right? The leaving? Because it wasn't."

"You said you were gonna pack your bags and call AJ," Joey said quietly. "Felt pretty much like a threat to me." He sighed. "I want you no matter what, Nick."

"It wasn't a *threat*," said Nick again, with a little more force. "I would *never* ... I just wouldn't, Joey. I wouldn't threaten. I wasn't trying to get anything out of you. I just wanted to make you happy."

"You couldn't have said anything that would make me *less* happy," Joey said, still quietly. "I know you weren't trying to, like, blackmail me or anything, but you were still gonna leave. I can't believe you could just do that. Just...leave."

"It would be awful," whispered Nick. "I would get home and I'd probably start drinking again. But I just ... I feel like such a burden, Joey. *Such* a burden."

"You're NOT," Joey said, more forcefully than anything since his outburst. "You're so not a burden! Do you think I'm stupid, that I'd stay with someone who was nothing but an inconvenience, a pain in the ass? I *want* to help, I want to be there for the hard stuff. Seeing you get better, man...that's so amazing. It more than makes up for any trouble."

"Sometimes I don't even feel like I'm getting better," said Nick with a sigh. "Sometimes I feel like I'm only gettng worse. So fucking *moody*."

"You are getting better," Joey said firmly. "I see it every day. The mood swings aren't even as bad, though I gotta say, this one's my least favorite yet." He sighed. "Maybe you're dehydrated again. I know for sure you're malnourished." A warm hand ran over Nick's still-damp head. "You are coming to the wedding, right? Still? And coming to breakfast with me?"

Nick sighed softly; it wasn't much of a choice. If he wanted Joey to go to the wedding, he had to be there. "I'm still not feeling hungry," he had to tell him, though. "I'm sorry, I'm just ... not. I'm too all in knots again."

Joey petted him gently, and hummed consideringly. "Do you...do you remember when you stopped eating? Was it just because the drinking made you not-hungry, or did you, like, not eat when you were upset?" He stroked down to Nick's shoulders, soothingly. "If it takes a massage to relax you enough to eat, I'm your man, y'know."

"Both, maybe?" offered Nick, really not sure how it had happened. He hadn't even really noticed, at the time. "Drinking and upset and maybe even thinking I ought to. Stop eating for a while. I really ... I don't know, I guess."

"Huh." Joey kept stroking, though Nick could still feel the tension knotting through himself. "Well, that might explain why your appetite keeps zoning in and out, like it is. I think maybe...maybe, after the wedding's over, we should try to just...be mellow. You and me, and no plans, and mom can cook for us and we can watch bad movies and just relax. And maybe see if that helps."

"Do you think anyone would mind, if we did that?" he asked hopefully. "Or are we supposed to be social, with everyone? I really don't know, really, what things are supposed to be like, once we're past the wedding."

"God, no, not social." Joey smiled at him. "There's the reception, and the party, and then everyone goes to bed, and in the morning people leave, an' it'll just be you and me and mom and dad in the house. Possibly some of the cousins if mom's babysitting, but we'll pretty much have the place to ourselves."

"I hate to say it," said Nick softly, "because your family's being so wonderful to me. But that's a relief, to know that we're gonna be able to relax. I'm gonna be able to ... recover, a little, maybe. And we'll be able to just hang out and talk."

"Because we're playing golf, right now?" Joey teased gently, smiling at him. "No, I know what you mean. We can veg out completely, though we'll have to make at least a few token appearances, at least for meals. And I promised Justin I'd get him a real Yankees jersey, from real Yankee Stadium. I tried to tell him it wasn't even baseball season, but he wouldn't listen. Other than that, we have no committments."

"Justin would probably forgive you the Yankees jersey if we brought him home a boyfriend," said Nick, managing to give Joey a smile in return. "Of course, that would require even more work. Poor guy ... I know what it feels like to be lonely." Joey grinned at that. "That would be a *lot* more work," he agreed. "Especially since I haven't talked to him and I don't even know what brought this on. One day he's happy with Brit and an occasional boy on the side, the next he's crying all over Chris and wanting a boyfriend? Could just be some kind of fit." His fingers rubbed at Nick's neck. "He'll just have to make do with the jersey."

"I guess I don't know him well enough at all to know what it might be," admitted Nick, stifling a moan. "He's ... very different from me, I think. Already accepted a lot of things I haven't, so it wouldn't be that he's discovering he likes boys a lot more than girls. I guess."

"I dunno. Chris blames me, but that's just bullshit. Why the hell would Justin want to copy anything *I* do?" Joey laughed a little. "Maybe he got laid really good and well and *did* discover that he likes boys a lot more than girls. Who knows, with him? Maybe he's just jealous that I'm so happy with you. I think JC spilled the beans."

"He wouldn't be jealous if he knew everything, though," ventured Nick."If he knew what you were dealing with, along with the happy."

"Hard to say," Joey mused. "He's been through it himself, after all. And if he knew how sweet you are, he'd be twice as jealous, I bet." He rubbed harder. "You really do make me happy, you know. And we really do have to get moving, if we're gonna eat and get to the store before it's time."

"Sure he's been through it, but he's on the other side now," said Nick. "And he's younger than me. And don't tell me that has nothing to do with anything because of course I know that but it still does in my head. And he just ... it has nothing to do with being a guy." He knew he was jumping from topic to topic, but he just went with the flow in his head. "Being happy with someone, i mean. If he's happy with Britney, he should just stay happy with Britney."

"No, I know, but I think, I think he's actually pretty gay." Joey sighed. "Brit's really a virgin, you know, and I don't think that's been much of a problem for Justin. He's happy with her because he loves her and she loves him and it's all very perfect, but he's not HAPPY happy. Not like he could be."

"And so maybe he's just finally realizing that," Nick concluded, biting his lip for a moment. "Maybe it *will* be a bit of a mess, you're right. And Britney doesn't ... know? A lot of it?" As he spoke he untangled himself from the blankets and groped for his glasses so he could at least start to find his clothes.

"Britney knows some of it," Joey handed him his glasses with a sigh, and swung his own legs over the side of the bed. "She knows he's bi, that he's been with guys. I think she probably even knows he's not faithful, I don't think he lies about that. The thing is, that relationship gives him the romance, the hearts and flowers he wants so much, and he treats her like gold. An' he gets off somewhere else. I guess he just wants it all in one package, now. Yeah, a mess."

"Well, it that's how it is, you can tell him it's not all hearts and flowers with us," murmured Nick, giving him a smile. "Maybe -- if this is a jealousy kick -- that'll change his mind about it some. I'm *happy* with you, Joey, and I love you. But hearts and flowers it's not, you know?"

"I can bring you flowers if you want," Joey offered with a smile. "An' hearts we've already got. But yeah, J wants someone who'll love him when he brings him breakfast in bed, who'll write songs for him and send him little cards and buy those damn vanilla candles he likes so much. Shit." Joey giggled. "I should set him up with JC. Only, you know. Not." He squeezed Nick's fingers, and hauled himself off the bed. "We should spend some time with him when we get home, though, you an' me. Poor kid's been kinda ditched, lately, with everything that's been going on."

"So he can't be my mortal enemy anymore, then?" asked Nick with a wry smile. "I'll have to be cute and cuddly in front of him? Well, okay, but only because you asked so nice." He finally slipped his glasses on, letting everything come abruptly into focus again.

"Oh, please don't change just on his account," Joey said fervently. "I think the shock would probably kill him, if you were. Though you can't really help the cute, 'specially not with your glasses on." He smiled, and tossed Nick his clothes. "Up and at 'em. I'll bet my mom's been up for hours already, getting ready."

"I'm up," said Nick, catching easily now. "We're still early. But let's get some breakfast into you before you perish. We can talk about -- and *to* -- Timberlake some more *after* the wedding." He had his pants halfway on before he looked up and added, "Oh, hell, and I still have to call AJ."

"You better do that," Joey agreed, struggling into his own pants. "He's scary." He managed to get them up and fastened. "And I'm not the one we're worrying about perishing without breakfast, here. Remember, you promised me a milkshake."

"I promised I'd try," said Nick, pulling his pants the rest of the way on but remaining shirtless. Remembering he'd left his phone in the bathroom, he made his way shakily over to retrieve it and make the call, hating that he *was* still shaky. Walking was so fucking *basic*, he shouldn't be having any trouble with it.

Joey's eyes were thoughtful on him. "Maybe I should just call one of the Jive personal assistants and give 'em your measurements and have someone pick up a suit for you. Because I dunno if you're gonna make it through shopping *and* a wedding *and* a reception, especially if you can't even keep a milkshake down. I think you're just about at the end of your rope, energy-wise."

Nick didn't want to consider that, consider how bad he was looking that Joey felt the need to comment again. "Maybe I should just go to the wedding in my pajamas," he offered, but he hardly smiled at all.

"Not that I wouldn't appreciate it, but I think the sight of Pac Man might cause a riot in the wedding party." Joey smiled at him, gently. "We can, you know. We're big famous rich popstars, there are people who would love to go buy you a suit. We wouldn't even have to tell 'em it's for you."

"I'd love to not have to shop," he admitted softly. "I'd love to not have to go out and especially not deal with clothes. Not really trusting myself to handle anything like that anymore. And it's safe, here."

"Okay." Joey kept smiling. "You call AJ, make sure your boy knows you're still alive and survived the flight. I'll get on the horn to Jive. What's your sizes, do you know off the top of your head?" He cocked his head at Nick. "What do you mean, trust yourself to deal with clothes? You dress great."

"Trust myself to go out and function, I mean. Trying on clothes requires coordination. And ... I have no idea what my measurements are anymore, to be honest. Do you want to guess?" He lifted the phone and started scanning through the numbers to find AJ's. Would probably have been faster to just dial it, but speed-dial was habit-forming.

"I guess." Joey looked at him a little dubiously. "I'll just bump you down a few sizes from me, that should work." He reached for his own phone, scanning the directory. "Put a shirt on, Nick, you'll freeze to death," he said absently, before punching a number and bringing the phone to his ear.

Nick didn't ignore him, exactly, but he didn't put on a shirt either, even though the comment made him more than a little self-conscious. He finally hit the number on his phone and waited anxiously for AJ to pick up, chewing on his thumbnail as he did.

"Speak," AJ commanded, sounding tired. "This better be the Publishers Clearing House or my mother, because otherwise it's too fucking early."

"Hey," said Nick, forcing a weak smile and hoping that it came through in his voice. "You may have won a million dollars."

"Oh, hey Nicky." Nick could hear AJ yawning. 'Sup? How'd it go with Bri? Why is it two hours later? That had to be a hell of a conversation."

In the background, Joey mentioned something about "six feet two. I dunno. One sixty, maybe? Try finding my measurements, using the lengths and just adjusting the waist and shoulder stuff. Yeah. Nothing too pimpy or flashy, just a nice plain suit. Maybe in a nice dark tan?"

"Hello, earth to Nick, you there?" AJ's voice had a little snap to it.

"Yeah, sorry," said Nick instantly, letting AJ draw most of his attention away. "Sorry ... I kinda ended up talking to Joey and taking a bath before calling you back. Don't get mad, Aje, I really needed to. Things went ... okay, I guess. Not great."

"Not great, like, he started quoting Lou chapter and verse on the evils of N Sync and alcohol, or not great, like, he didn't cry in joy for you?" AJ sounded interested. "I'm not mad, he just left me a message on my machine not so long ago, and I didn't pick it up cause I didn't want to talk to him till I found out how it went on your end."

"Somewhere in between," admitted Nick. "I, um, didn't tell him about Joey, not exactly. Just that there was someone. And I told him about the drinking thing. He seemed so awkward, AJ, I couldn't tell him the rest."

"Okay, so I'll keep my trap shut on Fatone's identity, no prob, though you're gonna have to tell them pretty quick. He's hard to hide, y'know." AJ chuckled a little. "How are you doing, though? You sound a little ragged, sugar. You sleepin' enough?"

"Yeah, sleeping good," Nick said honestly. "Just ... " He gave Joey a guilty glance. "Not really eating yet. I'm ... I'm *trying*, but it's just not working out so good." He sighed and shivered and wished he'd put a shirt on after all. "I told Brian I'd tell him everything in person. So yeah, I'm not gonna wait forever, just until I get home."

"Just don't push it," AJ warned. "I'm serious. I still can't believe you actually went to New York, to some wedding, to run around like a lunatic when you're still shaky and starving practically to death. You don't watch yourself you're gonna be passing out soon, and god only knows what Joey'd do then. You can't eat you stay down, okay? No activity." He sighed. "They are giving you the right kind of food, right? Not putting steaks on your plate or nothing?"

"No, no, they're good," Nick assured him confidently. "Really accommodating. Joey wants to make me some kind of protein shake for breakfast, cause maybe that'll stay down or, if it doesn't, at least it won't rip the hell out of my throat coming back up. You've seen how he is, AJ. He's looking out for me. And his family is ... god. They're great. Seriously."

"Still wish you were here so I could keep an eye on you," AJ grumped. "But that's cool, that's great that his family's good. Yeah, I've seen how he is, I'm sure he's paying pretty close attention to you."

Joey hung up his phone and turned to Nick, waving a little and mouthing 'hey AJ' at him.

"-no heavy stuff," AJ was still talking, "And try to chill, okay? Audrey says half the reason our stomachs freak when we're detoxing is that we're so damn stressed. So, you know, do some yoga, or watch a really calm movie, or something."

Nick laughed softly. "Yeah, we kinda came to that conclusion ourselves," he said after a moment. "That my stomach is being a bastard partly cause I feel sick and lose my appetite when I get upset. And partly cause I wasn't eating before and all. You, um, talking to Audrey about me, and what's going on, yet? Oh, and Joey says hi."

"Yo, Joe," AJ shot back, then paused a little. "Yeah, kinda. I mean, seeing you...I mean...I dunno. I kinda had to, it was all...talkin' to you again, seein' you like that, it really scrambled my head. I'm not telling her your personal shit, though, I wouldn't do that. Just stuff with me."

"K," he said quietly, nodding his head to himself, unsurprised. "Um. She got any advice for me?"

"Um." AJ moved around a little, Nick could hear his footsteps. "She, ah, said she hasn't seen much of a success rate on people who are trying to do it totally solo. Like, it's really fuckin' hard to do without some kind of professional help. So, yeah, she thinks you maybe might wanna find someone to talk to. Among other things."

Nick sighed and closed his eyes. "Yeah, me and Joey are talking about it," he said quietly, though Joey could probably still hear. "I don't know yet, Aje. But I think I'm doing all right. What else, then?"

"Hey, that's good." AJ sounded surprised. "That you're thinking about it, I mean. Anyway, the rest is pretty much common sense. Stay away from bars, clubs, whatever, for a while. Talk to people. She thinks you oughtta sit down with all of us, talk about how things are with you, reconnect. She knows I was missin' you there for a while. Um. Have some kind of sponsor, a lifeline that you can call whenever, and it shouldn't be Joey."

"I don't have anyone except you and Joey, AJ," Nick reminded him, chewing on his thumbnail nervously. "But getting together with the guys. Yeah. When I get back. I'll be home again on Wednesday, if y'all want to plan something."

"He's kinda too close to you," AJ said gently. "Plus, she said that a boyfriend or whatever was great, wonderful support, but you wanna kind of keep that separate from your dark spells. Not that he won't be there or help you with 'em, but you should have somewhere else to turn, so it doesn't take over your whole relationship, you know?" He sighed a little. "I wouldn't mind doing it, if you want. It's better with someone who's been through it anyway, like a sponsor, because then that whole 'you don't understand' thing doesn't fly."

"You'd do that for me?" he said, chewing on his lip now and closing his thumb in his fist. "Me and Joey had ... well, we didn't fight. But it wasn't a great morning. I was, um, gonna come home. But I'm not, now."

"Sure I would." AJ sounded firm. "Even though Audrey said it might be a bad idea, since we work together and all. At least I'll be around, you know?" He clicked his tongue. "Nick, what happened? You were all...you were gonna leave him? What's going on?"

Joey, clearly not trying to listen, got up with an unreadable look at Nick, and went into the bathroom, closing the door behind himself, phone still in his hand.

"I just had a bad morning," he sighed, making his way to the bed and sitting down on the edge. "I had no idea it was gonna be like this, AJ. My body's getting better but ... it's like I go from being okay to this utter despair in, like, *seconds*. It's hard enough for me, but ... it's gotta be *hell* on Joey ... which just makes me feel worse."

"Mood swings, huh?" AJ sounded completely understanding. "They're such a bitch, yeah, and really hard to deal with. Me an' Sarah...we just about broke up about a hundred times. She left me twice because she couldn't deal. But we got a code word, like, for when they start, so she can clear out. Or stay, depending on how she's feeling. As long as you can both ride them out, they do start calming down a little, though."

"I thought he was gonna cry," mumbled Nick. "Joey. *Joey*. And I just about made him cry. I just ... I don't see 'em coming yet. And then they happen and we're both all messed up 'cause of it. But he still loves me, AJ. He stayed." He sniffled softly and sighed into the phone again. "That's almost the worst right now."

"How is that the worst?" AJ's voice was soft and baffled. "I'd think that would be the best part. I mean, you didn't mean it, right? You didn't really wanna leave him? And, um, loves? That's like, a direct quote?"

"No, not ... I mean, the mood swings, that's almost the worst part of this," said Nick quickly, just then realizing what he'd told him. "No, it is the best, that he stayed. And that ... yeah. Love. Us. Him and me."

"Whoa." AJ paused, and Nick could almost hear the wheels turning. "Um. Okay, Nick, that's great, that's really good, and also really kind of fast, you know? Okay, we're not gonna talk about that right now, maybe later. Right now we're still on the mood swings. Yeah." He took a deep breath and blew it out. "Look, just make sure you drink a lot of water. A *lot*. Because being even a little dehydrated makes your moods go nuts anyway, and this is not the time for that."

"That's kind of a problem," admitted Nick. "I'm really ... not keeping *anything* down for long. I'm doing the best I can, but I'm not sure it's enough. Look, AJ ... on the love thing. Just don't even suggest it's not real, okay? I know how it might look, but I do love him, and he does love me back, and I believe that."

"I'm not suggesting it ain't real, or y'all don't think it is anyway. It's just fast, is all." A lighter flicked somewhere on the other end of the line, and AJ inhaled. "You gotta keep down water, Nick, you've GOT to. Listen, you're probably seriously dehydrated by now. You can get really, really sick. Tell your stomach you're on vacation in Cancun, tell it whatever you want, but if you don't get water in you to flush your system out, you're in really bad shape. Like, hospital bad."

"I'm *trying*," he said again, unintentionally raising his voice. "AJ, I'm doing the best I can. I can tell I'm dehydrated, I can feel it in my skin and my eyes and my mouth and I'm *trying*. I don't know what else to do. About any of it. Except keep trying."

"Have a bottle of water with you all the time," AJ said firmly. "Drink it all the time, I don't care if you're actively puking at the time. You oughtta be goin' through seven or eight of them a day, and I'm not joking. You know how to do the pinch test on your skin?"

"Do a what?" asked Nick, switching the phone from one ear to the other and rubbing an already-aching shoulder. "And I am drinking a lot of water. I promise. Joey always has water nearby, he's great like that, Aje."

"It's not enough, if you're dry enough that you can feel it in your eyes. The pinch test. Pinch a fold of your skin on your arm. If it doesn't spring back right away, you're seriously dehydrated and you get to a doctor STAT for an IV. No fucking around, Nicky."

"Look, no doctors, no IV's," said Nick, not brave enough to check his skin yet. "I'll drink more. Water. Whatever. But I have a wedding to go to this afternoon and ... no. I'm doing okay, AJ. I just got out of the bathtub. Lots of water there."

"Nick, you *sweat* in the bathtub. Elevated body temperature." AJ sighed wearily. "What's more important, the wedding or possible kidney failure? I bet if I ask Joey he'd agree with me. Grab a pinch, baby, and screw that 'no doctors' noise, if it's that bad you're gonna go if I have to fly up there and drag you myself."

"Okay, fine," said Nick, grabbing a pinch of skin on his arm. It looked like the wrinkle just kinda hung there for a moment before it slid back into place and was smooth again. "Oh," he said softly. "I'm gonna ... water ... " He found the glass that Joey had left on the night table for him and drank half of it, even though it was warm and tasted stale.

"FUCK." It sounded like AJ was smacking something with his hand. "Fuck, no wonder you're so miserable and shaky, you're probably half-dead. Listen to me close, now. I know you don't wanna go to the doctor, so you do what I say, and maybe you won't hafta. Get two water glasses, I'm talking eight ounces, fill 'em up with room temperature water. Put a teaspoon of salt in one, a teaspoon of sugar in the other, and you drink 'em. Okay? I want you to go get Joey and do that right now, okay?" AJ sounded seriously upset.

"AJ, that sounds really gross," said Nick, but he drained the rest of the one glass of water and got up off the bed to go get Joey out of the bathroom. "That's just gonna make me sick or something."

"Drink it slow, then." AJ's voice was iron. "Think of it as a saline solution, only you're drinking it. You keep it down for an hour, then try the pinch again. If you puke, start over. If you're still dehydrated after that, I know Jive has a list of doctors with confidentiality agreements in New York, we'll get something set up for you. Joey there?"

Nick knocked lightly on the bathroom door. "Joey?" he called through it, the phone still close to his mouth. "Joey? Are you ... ? Joey, I need you."

"Hang on, C." Joey's voice came through muffled, and the door swung open, Joey poked his head out, phone covered with his hand. "What's up, Nick?"

"I ... " began Nick, then wasn't sure what to say at all when he realized Joey was on the phone. "It's not important," he mumbled, then impulsively pinched the skin of his arm to show Joey what it did. "AJ thinks I'm not doing good, maybe."

"Motherfuck," Joey swore quietly, and brought the phone back up to his ear. "C, baby, I gotta go. No, I'm sure it'll be fine, just talk to him, okay? Okay. I'll call you later. Right, okay, love you too." He clicked the phone closed. "Aw, shit." He reached out and touched where Nick had pinched, with a fingertip. "So, is there a special Backstreet doctor in the area, or are we on our own here?"

"You didn't have to hang up on him," said Nick softly. "I could've waited." But since Joey was off *his* call, he handed over the phone that AJ was on and waited for Joey to take it. "I just need some water. I just need to keep something down. I can do this."

Joey stared at the phone like it was something strange, then took it. "Hey." He was quiet for a minute. "Yeah, I saw. Yeah. YES I gave him fucking water, AJ! Jesus!" He went silent again. "Teaspoon, not table? Okay. You sure? You're *sure*. Okay. Yeah, I'm on it, we'll call you back." He closed the phone and handed it back to Nick. "All right, I'm on my way downstairs. You doing okay?"

"Me?" said Nick, disoriented for a second. "Yeah, I'm okay. I'm sorry, Joey." He stopped him from leaving just so he could give him a soft kiss. "Really sorry."

Joey pulled him close for a minute, wrapping arms around him and rocking him back and forth a little. "No, I'm sorry. I'm not doing too good, here, huh? Not taking good care of you at all." He kissed him, just a brief touch of lips. "Let me go get your water, okay? I'll be right back."

"You're doing great, Joey," said Nick. "You are. It's me, that's not." But he did let him go, though, and the moment he was out of the room he hit the speed dial for AJ again. "I've been scared to tell him how I'm feeling," he said, as soon as AJ answered, knowing they might only have a minute or two to talk. "About the one thing, at least. You know. How much I nee-- how much I want ... "

"Easy, easy, slow down." AJ soothed. "How much you want a drink, right? Oh, man, I know. It's really hard. I know. But you can tell him. You're detoxing, Nick, he knows that. He knows you've gotta be craving it. But you don't need it. You think you do, but you don't. You're better, stronger, without it, you know that. This is just your body wanting something it's got used to. You can say no."

"He has enough to deal with," said Nick, going back to sit on the edge of the bed again. "He thinks I'm doing really well about it. I don't want him to know ... know that I think about it all the time. Every moment. In the back of my mind plotting out ways to get to it and then just not following through on them. He'd be so disapopinted."

"He wouldn't be," AJ insisted. "You said he's been through this before, Nick. He knows. You should tell him. Every time you don't follow through, you've won another battle. You're doing so good, it's something to be proud of. And if you tell him, he can help you."

"If I told him every time, I'd never stop telling him," said Nick with a sigh. "I'm lucky there's nothing in the house, that it's a dry wedding. Like ... really fucking lucky. I know that. Even though another part of me is miserable that there's not even a chance I can have a drink, here."

"Pick your moments, then. When it's really picking at you, when you're wondering if you're gonna be able to resist. And call me, too. I know how you feel, Nick, down to every last twitch, trust me. It gets easier, but you gotta stay strong. It's great that you're out of the way of it for a while. Until you're a little stronger, you just gotta stay away."

"I think the wedding's gonna be hard," admitted Nick, rubbing his forehead as he felt another headache coming on. "Even though it's dry. Cause ... all those people, and dancing ... and all that familiar stuff. And I still have moments when I can't believe this is happening ... when i convince myself again for a second that I don't really have a problem ... "

"You'll want it," AJ agreed, "but if it's dry, that's a huge help. No sneaking a sip when you think nobody's looking. It's hard to believe it, especially at first. Just keep reminding yourself. Think the words consciously. 'I'm an alcoholic, but I'm getting better. I can do it.' You tell yourself that a thousand times a day, and it starts sinking in, you know?"

"I don't want to tell myself that. That's the problem, AJ." He heard a noise in the hallway and caught himself halfway between a sigh and a smile. "Joey's back. I'll call you later? You really don't mind?"

"You call any time. The cell's charged, I'm leaving it on." AJ chuckled a little. "Sarah's pissed again and she took off for the day, so I'm in. I'll be here. I know you don't wanna, but tell yourself that. I'm serious, Nick, you gotta accept it and move on. Love ya, kid, you stay strong, okay?"

Joey shouldered into the room, a glass of water in each hand, a lipstick smear on his cheek.

"I'll do my best," said Nick, like it was his motto. "I'll try." Then he hung up the phone and set it on the bed next to him. "Hey," he said softly as Joey approached him. "You were quick."

"Had to run to escape the crazed female relatives downstairs." Joey smiled at him. "It's like they multiplied in the night. Here you go." He handed Nick one glass, then moved the phone so he could sit down, pressed close to Nick's side. "Long morning, huh?" His voice was soft. "Is AJ helping?"

Nick nodded, taking the first glass and staring at it. "He knows what it's like," he said finally. "He knows what it's like to be ... this. To be here. And he's really worried about me."

"I know how he feels," Joey agreed, still soft. "Drink it, Nick, it's really important for you to drink these, okay? I wasn't even noticing, I wasn't keeping track...I'm gonna do that from now on, I promise."

"Nothing is your fault," insisted Nick, taking a small sip and making a face. Water wasn't supposed to have flavour. "It's all me, Joey. You know that." He stuck out his tongue. "Do I really need to drink this?"

"Is that the sugar one, or the salt one? Doesn't matter, you have to drink both. And put that tongue back in your mouth unless you're planning to use it." Joey finally grinned at him, though there was still a tense strained look around his eyes. "It's your job to not drink and eat and rest and stay healthy. It's my job to feed you and make sure you're not hurting yourself, doing this with me instead of in rehab or something. So, just let me, okay?"

"AJ's therapist thinks I'm gonna fail," said Nick with a sigh, taking another sip. "Salt. Definitely salt."

"Drink it all," Joey insisted. "I bet she doesn't. Did he tell you that? What was he thinking?" He slipped an arm around Nick's back, pulling him close with a sigh. "You're not gonna fail."

"She said that most people that try it on their own don't make it," he said, drinking more of it and hoping it would upset his stomach. "And that I should find someone to talk to, so I do. Which I'm sure she has to say cause, you know, more business and all ... "

"Don't be such a cynic," Joey scolded him gently. "I'm sure she has her hands full with AJ, she doesn't need another Backstreet Boy on her roster. She might be right, you know. I know that people who get help do have a better track record, of quitting and staying quit."

"We've talked about this," said Nick, scrunching up his face again then finishing off the first glass. "Is it time to talk about it again?"

"Only if you want to," Joey assured him. "We've got days and days left here. Lots of time to talk about whatever you want." He took the empty glass out of Nick's unresisting hand, and reached for the second one. "How's that feel? You all sloshy? Want a minute before the next one?"

"I need something to wash out the taste of the salt," he said, making a face. "I hope it stays down. I'd hate to have to go through that again." He reached for the other glass from Joey's hand, but just held it. "Is it okay to tell you when I just really, really need a drink? And you won't get freaked or upset or think any less of me?"

"Yeah, of course." Joey looked at him curiously. "I mean, of course you really really need a drink sometimes. That's why you're going through what you are. I'd never freak, or think any less of you. Why would I?"

"I just worry," said Nick, sipping the sugar water. It wasn't much better. "You know I worry. I try not to think about it, but then I think about it more, and then sometimes I start shaking I need it so much." He tried to say it all matter-of-factly, but it didn't come out that way. It came out desperate.

"If I was gonna freak out about you being an alcoholic, it would've happened a long time ago." Joey tucked him closer against his side. "I can't tell you I understand how that feels. But you can tell me all you want, and I'll do everything I can to make it better."

"I don't think I like talking about it much," said Nick, sipping again. "Except sometimes it feels better when I do. And ... I think AJ's doing better now. About what's happening to me. He seemed kinda freaked at first but now he's, like, I can call him any time."

"That's great, that he's there for you. I figured he would be. That boy loves you a lot, you know." Joey watched the water level go down as Nick kept sipping slowly. His stomach felt strange and too-full and cool, all filled with water. "You can tell me whenever you want. Whenever you need to, even if you don't like doing it."

"It's not that easy. I can know that, but that doesn't mean I *know* that. You know?" He sighed and sipped some more and hoped he was almost done. "I'm glad i can talk to AJ now. Even though he doesn't let me get away with anything at all."

"That's probably a good thing," Joey chuckled a little. "Even though inside I bet he's a big squashy cream puff when it comes to you. You've got that effect on people, y'know."

"No, I have that effect on *you*," he corrected, draining the water and wiping his mouth. "I'm done. And I need AJ to be ... a little hard. I think. But don't tell him I said that."

"How's it feel?" Joey asked, rubbing lightly at the skin on his elbow. "It should start working pretty fast. And then in a couple hours you get to do it again. As for AJ...I think he'll be however he thinks you need him to be, no matter how he really feels."

"I feel sloshy," said Nick, making a face at him. "And really, really full. I really don't wanna have to do this again, Joey."

"Too bad." Joey shook his head, looking down. "Sloshy or not, you're on a strict diet of eight of those a day, at least. Which you should have been drinking all along, and I didn't even notice you weren't. At least this pretty much gets you out of having to try breakfast yet."

Nick sighed and rubbed at his lips again. "I guess I shouldn't be surprised that I'm doing things wrong. Maybe I was wrong to try this."

"No, you've got lots to think about." Joey captured his hand, pulled it away from his mouth, and kept it. "I knew better, I shoulda been paying attention. I can't believe I forgot something that important. You're right to try it, you just need better help."

"Maybe I shoulda just checked myself into rehab, like AJ," he said, really considering that for the first time. "Maybe he was right all along, that I'm not strong enough to do this alone ... "

Joey sighed, and didn't say anything. Rubbed warm fingers over his palm, finally lacing their fingers together tightly. "Do you think that's the best thing? Because if you do, I'm there for you, you know that. You need to do whatever you gotta, to get better. You're so strong, Nick, and you've come so far. I'm so proud of you."

"I don't know anymore," he said, shaking a little bit. "I don't seem to be doing things the way I'm supposed to. I don't know all the stuff I'm supposed to know. I could really ... hurt myself."

"What did AJ say?" Joey let go of his hand, and started petting him like he could stroke the shakes right out of him. "Other than the water thing, what've you done wrong? He's the expert, after all. I'm just goin' on what we all did to help Justin, which was basically common sense and good luck, mostly."

"I would've just ... locked myself in my house or something and not worried about the eating and the drinking water and the keeping warm and I'd probably be dead on the floor by now or something. I'm stupid."

"But you're not alone," Joey insisted gently. "You've got me, you got AJ. My mom, my family, your friends. We won't let you starve to death or forget to drink, or freeze. You're not doing it alone. If you decide that rehab is what's gonna make it work, you won't be alone there, either."

"I've already come this far," said Nick. "And this is far, right? So ... I guess I keep going. i could never have done this alone, though. I'm seriously just ... way too stupid. And in over my head."

"I don't know why you keep saying you're stupid," Joey sounded honestly baffled. "You made mistakes, some bad decisions, sure. Everbody does, it's just human. You're a really smart guy, Nick, and bein' in over your head, that doesn't mean you're not. Going dry, that's too much for anyone to do alone. Everyone's over their heads when it comes to this. It's a hard, hard thing."

"I'm stupid about a lot of stuff," argued Nick. "I'm always being stupid about something. And ... this is really, really hard, Joey." He stared at his hands and tried not to sniffle. "And I can't afford to do it all wrong."

"As long as you're still dry, you're still getting better, you're not doing it all wrong." Joey dug his chin into Nick's shoulder, lightly. "What are you stupid about? I don't remember you being stupid about stuff, and I've been paying pretty close attention to you, you know."

"*Every*thing," said Nick with a sigh. Obviously love really was blind. "Have to be, to get myself here in the first place. And not even know enough to know that i was getting really sick." He absently pinched at the skin of his arm again. "You really do deserve better."

"That was a *mistake*, Nick." Joey sounded like he was holding onto his patience very carefully. "It was a mistake to drink as much as you did. But you had reasons, even if you don't know what they are, yet. And unless you've been in rehab before, or dehydrated, or quit drinking, not knowing isn't your fault." He sighed. "I've been through this. *I* should have noticed. You'd probably be better off with AJ. I bet he wouldn't have forgotten about the water."

Nick reached out for Joey and just clung to him. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "I'll just be quiet. When I'm feeling bad. I'll just be quiet about it."

"No. No, don't you dare." Joey let him cling, pulled him in. "I just hate to hear you blaming yourself for things that aren't your fault. And calling yourself stupid! That just...I can't believe you think that, when I see you as this bright, clever, amazing person. I wish you could just...climb in my head for a minute, see what I see." He kissed Nick's ear, the only thing he could reach, wrapped up as they were. "No, you keep telling me. But don't expect me to agree, when you talk bad about yourself."

"You don't have to agree," said Nick, just holding on tighter, assuring himself that Joey was there to stay. "You just have to know that that's how I see me."

"I know." Joey kissed him again. "I'm not gonna agree with you, and I'm not gonna stop trying to change your mind. And I think if you find someone to talk to when we get home...you should maybe talk about that, too. Because it's not a good way to see yourself, baby, it's not healthy."

"W-when I find someone to talk to," said Nick, stumbling over the word and forcing himself not to say "if". "When I find someone to talk to, I guess I'm gonna have to talk about all sorts of little things like that."

"It all ties in together." Joey nodded against his shoulder. "You're gonna have to talk about lots of stuff. And maybe you'll start to believe me, when I say stuff, like that I think you're really smart."

"You don't know me well enough to know whether I'm smart or not," Nick reminded him, giving him a little squeeze. "I could really be that dumb and you just don't know it yet."

"You're hiding your dumbness behind a facade of intelligence and wit?" Joey giggled a little. "I hate to tell you this, but you have to be *smart* to create a facade of intelligence and wit. I maybe haven't known you for long, but it's been an intense little while. If you were a dumbass, I'd have figured it out by now."

"Maybe," murmured Nick, ignoring the warning little gurgle in his stomach. "Maybe. Don't feel so bright right now. Worried I'm gonna look stupid in front of your whole family."

"You won't," Joey assured him quickly. "No way you could. Even if you were, like, as dumb as a post, you'd still look like a rocket scientist next to Steve. Steve makes *me* look like a genius. Plus, there's the whole 'you're not stupid at all' thing. You'll be fine." "Yeah, but you are a genius," Nick reminded him, giving him one last squeeze. "Okay, we should probably go downstairs now." As he let go of Joey, though, he remembered what he'd interrupted earlier. "Everything okay back home? What were you talking to JC about?"

"I'm about as far from genius as you can get and not be Steve," Joey sighed, squeezing him back and letting him go reluctantly. "Justin had his breakdown and Chris left C alone, and he wandered away from his bodyguard like he does, and he lost some hair and had a good scare, got jumped by some fans. He's pretty spooked."

"Oh," said Nick softly, shuddering involuntarily and closing his eyes. He'd been there. They probably all had, at some point or another. "Shut. He gonna be okay?"

"Probably. If we can get him out of his house ever again." Joey stood up and stretched, shaking out his arms and hands, and wandered over to his suitcase, sorting through shirts. "Stuff like that hits him kinda hard. He's so focused on the music, he forgets about the other things a lot. When he gets reminded like that, it's a real shock to him." He pulled on a "Sorry, I only like punk boys with tattoos" shirt. "He'll be okay. Chris is there now, Lance is headed over, they'll make sure he's okay. I hope."

"Do you need to go home right after the wedding?" asked Nick nervously, hoping the answer would be no. The wedding was going to be rough, but the after-the-wedding was supposed to be good. "it's okay, if you do ... "

"I...I don't think so." Joey shook his head, with a little frown. "He can call me, if he needs to. I can hug him just as tight on Wednesday, he knows I love him tons." He fidgeted from foot to foot, then blurted, "It's so strange, having a priority higher than C. I mean, you. Like, I wanna be there, but being here with you is so much more important, I didn't even consider flying home. So I'm gonna let Chris and J and Lance deal with it, and it'll be fine."

"Are you sure?" asked Nick, still uncertainly, reaching out and tugging on Joey's T-shirt. "I won't ... I'd understand. You could probably use a break from me anyway ... " But he didn't want to believe that and he didn't want Joey to leave and he just clenched the T-shirt in his fist.

"I don't want a break from you," Joey said, smiling, prying Nick's fingers off his shirt and lacing them with his own and giving them a tight squeeze. "If I did, I'd let you know. I'm totally sure. I don't wanna be anywhere but here, right now."

"Okay," said Nick, forcing himself to accept that. "Okay, Joey. If you really want to. If you really want *me*."

"'Course I do." Joey tugged at his hand, lightly. "I want you more than anything, no matter what. Now c'mon. Get a shirt on, let's go downstairs and see if the family's awake. And if your suit is here yet. You feeling a little better now?"

"I think my body sucked up all the water," he admitted, running his hand over his bare stomach. "The sloshy feeling's gone. Do I look better now?"

"Your eyes look brighter," Joey admitted, pushing Nick's hair back off his forehead with a gentle hand. "And you're not shaking, though that could just be all the sitting down. I think your body did suck up all the water, you're looking better all over. Think you could have some more, when we get downstairs?"

Nick just stuck his tongue out. "You ever tried to drink salt water? That was pretty gross." But if Joey asked he'd do it again. Even though it hadn't really made a marked difference in how he *felt*. "I can try the milkshake though?"

"Yes!" Joey practically bounced on the balls of his feet. "Oh, yeah, absolutely. Are you hungry? For real? And we can try regular water. I think the salt's just to help with absorbtion. Makes it go faster, or something." He let go of Nick's hand and hurried over to the open suitcase. "Here, shirt! One milkshake, coming up!"

"*Try*," Nick repeated, but the word all but got lost in Joey's enthusiasm. He grabbed the shirt that Joey threw him and struggled a little to put it on, still not as dextrous as he knew he could be. "And not a big one either, okay? I really don't want to ruin the wedding."

"Little tiny one," Joey assured him. "Baby milkshake. Very light and small." He slowed down a little, watching Nick struggle with his cuffs. "We'll take it easy. Go downstairs, check on the suit, have mom whip you up a little something. It's not even ten yet. Then if you want, we can just relax until the wedding."

"I think that'd probably be good," said Nick. Part of him was grateful that Joey was letting him do this for himself, part of him wanted him to just *help* already. But he finally managed on his own. "There are a lot of people down there, huh."

"Probably," Joey nodded, reaching for his hand again. "Not scary people, though. Lots of people are at the church, or at my Uncle Ronnie's place with Tony. Here it'll mostly be the people you already met. Just stick close to me, it'll be okay." He smiled, wide and white. "It's a happy day, remember? A wedding. It'll be good."

Nick smiled back, not as widely and not as whitely. "I'm happy," he said, not sounding particularly convincing, he knew. "I'm am. I'm trying to be. And I'll be okay, Joey, let's just ... go. Do this."

"It's not a firing squad, baby," Joey said, pulling him gently to his feet. "Just family. They love you already. There's no pressure, you don't have to perform. You've got that concert-face on, or something that looks like it. Just be yourself. Remember, everyone's here to see the bride and groom, not us."

"I *know* that," he said with a sigh. "I still don't want to look like shit when I go down there. And it's still hard. They're *your* family, Joey. I'm still getting used to it."

"You look beautiful. Not at all like shit." Joey walked backwards to the door, towing Nick by his hands. "I know, they're still kinda strangers. But I'll be there the whole time. They'll do everything they can to make it easy for you, I promise."

"I believe you," said Nick, and he did. They *had* been nothing but good to him, though he wasn't sure yet just how to deal with that. It was so, so different from what he knew. "It's hard, but I still want to do it. Let's go."

"We're going, we're going." Joey drew him out the door, and Nick could immediately sense the activity in the house. Someone was running down the stairs below him, a deep voice was shouting for a cummerbund somewhere, and the front door slammed loudly. "Oh, man, I hope the kids aren't out playing in the snow," Joey said with a smile. "Mom'll have kittens."

"They're kids," said Nick with a shrug. "Hey, if I was feeling up to it, *I'd* be out playing in the snow. For about thirty seconds before I got cold and came in for some Irish Coffee for something."

"Without the Irish," Joey reminded him absently, still clasping his hand even as they made their way down the stairs. "It's not so much the snow, as it is the hair. Sarah's got those curls, they're just the devil when they get wet. Plus, since they're flower girls, they're probably already supposed to be dressed."

"Right," said Nick, feeling a bit stunned for a moment and pausing on the stairs until Joey tugging on his hand kept him going. "Without the Irish. Anywy. Well, if they're already dressed, I'm sure they've been confined to the house."

"Oh, I'm sure attempts have been made." Joey chuckled, neatly sidestepping a scarf that was lying crumpled on the landing. "Both with the dressing and the confining." Sure enough, the door opened again and cold air rushed up the stairway, and Janine's voice rang out impatiently.

"Sarah Marie, you get in here right now! Your aunt Phyllis wants you to go upstairs and find Joey! And you have GOT to get dressed!"

Nick gave him a rueful smile; he did know what it was like to have younger siblings underfoot. But his parents had never been that tolerant, that he could remember. "Should we tell them we're already found?" he suggested quietly. "It's probably a good thing. We could have traumatized poor Sarah if she'd walked in on us earlier."

Joey grinned back at him, and raised his voice. "Janine, we're here, on our way to the kitchen!"

"Godsakes, Joey, it's about time." Janine rounded the corner, a bundled, pink-cheeked, and rebellious-looking girl firmly in hand. "Morning, Nick." She went on tiptoes and pecked his cheek on her way by. "Tell mom I'm getting Sarah ready, okay?" She swatted at Joey and towed Sarah up the stairs.

"Madness," Joey said, shaking his head affectionately. "The kitchen's our only hope of salvation."

Nick glanced back up the stairs at Sarah, who was looking back down the stairs at *them*, and gave her a little smile. "We should see if my suit's here, too," he reminded him. "Take care of that little detail before we relax some."

"Oh yeah, definitely. Mom'll know." Joey smiled back at him as he pushed into the kitchen, then paused by the door, watching the bustle. "Hey mom." He spoke over the chatter. "We're here. Any deliveries for us? This morning?"

She hurried over to them, pulling first Joey, then Nick down for a kiss. "Oh, Joey, thank god. Nick, here, sit down, over there. Joey, can you carry the flowers out to the car for me? What would you boys like for breakfast?"

Nick did just exactly what she asked and sat down 'over there'. He was definitely better off just getting out of the way and watching it all happen. Besides which, his legs were a little shaky again and the stairs hadn't done him any favours.

"I'm not really eating this morning," he confessed, feeling shy again in the face of this very boisterous family. "But Joey was gonna ... Joey?"

"Oh, yeah, mom." Joey was standing passively, letting two older women pile boxes full of floral arrangements into his outstretched arms. "I'm gonna make him a milkshake, okay? And I'll take...whatever that is that you're cooking that smells really good. I will be back in *two* seconds, Nick, okay?" He looked at Nick, pleadingly. "I just gotta take these to the car..."

"Go, go," said Nick, waving a hand at him and giving him a little smile. "I'll be fine. I'll just sit right here and watch y'all work."

"Cool, good." Joey smiled at him, relieved, and broke for the door, almost hidden behind his armful of boxes. Nick heard him swear as he bumped the doorjamb, then he staggered through and disappeared. Phyllis clucked disapprovingly at his language, then turned her smile on Nick.

"How are you feeling, sweetie? You're looking better this morning, a lot less tired. Can I get you tea?"

"Tea would be great," he said, letting out a relieved sigh. "I did get a lot of sleep. I guess I really needed it. I've been *sleeping* all along but ... guess it wasn't too restful. Everything going okay this morning? Anything you think I might be able to help with?"

"No, you just sit tight. We've got it all under control." She patted his cheek and smoothed his hair, and maneuvered around the other people to get a mug for Nick. They smiled and waved at him, but seemed very busy. "I'm glad you got some good sleep. I know we can be a little loud, I hope you weren't disturbed this morning. I tried to keep the girls quiet, but they're so excited about the wedding..." She shook her head with a smile, and set a steaming mug in front of Nick.

"Thanks," he murmured, wrapping his cold hands around it. "No, we were up earlier but we had some details to take care of. Ordering me my suit because we forgot to pack mine, and some calls to make to people back home." He turned his head and gave her a smile. "So no, no one disturbed us." "Oh, good." She sighed down into the chair at his side. "Just need to get off the feet for a moment. I'm not the light young thing I used to be, that's for sure." She smiled at him. "Are you enjoying your visit so far? It's a terrible time to meet everyone, with the craziness. I feel like we've barely gotten to see you at all. I'm just mortified that we haven't been more hospitable."

"Oh, no," Nick assured her quickly. "You're all been wonderful, honestly. I've just been keeping myself all cooped up so far. Sleeping and ... recovering. You've been nothing but hospitable." He lifted his cup of tea as proof of that and took his first, tiny sip. "I'm liking it so far," he said carefully. "I'm looking forward to getting to know everyone better, though, afterwards."

"Well, not everyone." She settled more comfortably, hands crossed at her waist. "Thank goodness, most of these people will be going back to their own houses, tonight or tomorrow. But I do look forward to getting to know you a little better. I haven't seen Joey this happy with someone in, oh, a long time. It's just wonderful that you two found each other."

Nick's smile grew just thinking about it. "You raised an amazing son," he told her with absolute honesty. "I don't know what I'd do without him. He's great." And if Joey's mom didn't know already that he was just as happy as Joey, being together, she certainly could tell now just by the look on his face.

"He does have his moments." The grin she sent him was pure Joey. "And thank you. Though I don't know how much credit we can take, for Joey. He always marched to his own, very different drummer. But you two are lovely together, you are. I couldn't be more pleased." She sighed, and got back to her feet, just as Joey came back through the door, red-nosed and blowing on his hands.

"Jacket next time," Nick said sternly, sipping his tea again, comfortable with the company he was keeping. "We don't need the both of us being sick."

Joey rolled his eyes at him, and put icy hands on his neck, making Nick squeak and shiver. "Feel! I'm all frozen! I'm clearly being abused here, and need food." He made puppy-eyes at his mother, who laughed at him, and moved back to the stove. Joey plopped down next to Nick, red-cheeked and bright-eyed. "You about ready for that milkshake, baby?"

"I have tea," said Nick, pointing at the mug in front of him. "That's good right?" But one look at Joey's face told him he'd be drinking that milkshake anyway, if only to make him happy. "Well ... if you're sure you don't mind making it for me?"

"'course not." He stood up, following his mother's path, only detouring when he got to the refrigerator. He rummaged, finally emerging with ice cream and milk, then looking forlornly at the counter space, packed full of pots and pans and trays of food.

"Oh, go sit down." One of the older ladies, Nick still didn't know their names, took the containers from his hands. Joey handed them over happily, saying something about "small and light," kissed her, and returned to his seat.

"I'd just get in the way," he confided. "They're scary, over there."

"Are they gonna make it right?" asked Nick, biting his lip as he watched. "They don't know ... " Of course, maybe they *knew*, but they probably wouldn't know what he needed.

"I'm watching," Joey assured him, and he was, keeping a careful eye on the whole thing, and then standing abruptly to go back. Nick was getting dizzy, watching him bounce around. He stood next to--his aunt?--and said something, and she laughed, and handed him the spoon. He stirred, peered, stirred some more, then thanked her again.

"There you go." The glass was only half-full, and it did look light and bubbly. "Specialty of the house, guaranteed to make you feel better."

Nick put down his tea and picked up the glass suspiciously, peering at what was inside. "What's in it?" he asked, poking at it with a finger. "I didn't see."

"All good things," Joey assured him. "Nothing bad. It's a milkshake, Nicky, I'm not gonna put tabasco or anything in it."

"That's not what I meant," he muttered, but he took a tiny sip of it anyway. He was really, really unsure it was going to sit well, but like when he was eating before, Joey looked so happy just seeing him put food in his mouth. "It tastes good."

"Go really slow," Joey warned. "Your stomach's just about completely empty, I don't think sugar water counts." He leaned back in his chair and watched Nick. "I'm glad. If it tastes good, that means I made it right. Oh, did mom tell you if your suit was here?"

Nick swallowed another sip and wiped his mouth. "No, no, I don't think she did. She had so much on her mind, already ... " It was a small shake and he was sure Joey wanted him to finishe it. And he'd eaten *way* more the night before, he should be able to no problem. Impulsively, he pinched the skin on his arm again just to see what it would do.

It smoothed out more quickly than before, but there was definitely still a delay, and Joey's forehead furrowed worriedly as he reached out and stroked the pinched place with a fingertip. "Still not quite...but better. Better." It was almost like he was talking to himself. "Don't push it, Nick, okay?" Joey's eyes returned to his face. "Try, but if it's too much, just stop. It's more important that you keep that water down, right now."

"It's the wedding today," he said softly. "I have to be better for today. If I can't even eat *this*, then ... " He sighed and took another sip and tried not to think about it too hard. "I'm sorry I'm so useless to you right now. I really am trying to get better."

"You are better," Joey said, just as softly, taking his free hand between his palms. "There's no rule that says you have to go to the wedding and eat everything in sight, or dance like a crazy person. You're anything but useless. You're my boyfriend, man, you're here with me, that's all you need to do. That, and relax a little, get away from it all, maybe even have some fun. Don't worry so much. It'll all be okay." Nick leaned in and gave Joey a very soft, very slow and hopefully very discreet kiss. "I'm trying," he said again as he sat back. "But it's gonna take me a while to relax. I know you know that."

"Well, it's been a tense few days for you," Joey said, smiling and licking his lips a little. "And you're plopped down in the middle of a huge insane wedding, surrounded by freaky strangers. I think you're pretty amazingly relaxed already, all things considered." He brought Nick's hand to his mouth, kissed the fingertips, and let them go. "You're doing great. And look at that, your milkshake's almost gone!"

"It was small," said Nick, giving him a little smile. And he seemed to feel okay, too, though last night's dinner had stayed down for a while, too. Maybe if this stayed, maybe then he would really start getting his appetite back. "I maybe not eat much today," he said after taking another sip, "but I'm willing to bet there'll be lots of leftovers. And *those* I'll get into, I promise you."

Joey grinned at him. "I'll be fighting you off the leftovers, I bet. There's nothing better than cold pasta at two in the morning after, um." He flushed a little. "After stuff I can't talk about with my mom right over there. But yeah. Probably shouldn't eat too much today at all. And think nice, calm, happy thoughts at your tummy, okay? Not that we won't be doing our best to distract you, anyway."

"I'm definitely thinking as many nice, calm, happy thoughts as I can," Nick promised him, almost kissing him again but so many people were around, and watching. "Let's get me some more water now, so I'm okay in time for the ceremony. As long as I don't bloat and get too big for my suit or something."

"More water, you got it. And I don't think you have to worry about bloat." Joey took his empty glass happily. He filled it and brought it back, almost running into his mother in the process.

"Oh, Joey, for heaven's sake, get out of the way." She gave him a light shove and a smile. "There's a garment bag in the hall for you, I think it's probably that delivery you were waiting for. Go, get it, get dressed. We're leaving a little before noon, you be ready, okay? You too, Nick, this bus waits for no one."

Nick gave her a grin as he took the water from Joey. "Yes, ma'am," he said and took a little sip of it. And for that short moment he really felt a part of everything that was going on here, not just like an outsider looking in.

"That's what I like to hear," she nodded approvingly, still herding them towards the door. "My compliments to your mother, she clearly had better luck teaching you manners than I ever did with mine. Off you go, or I'll put you both to work." Joey grabbed his hand, laughing, and pulled him back out the kitchen door.

Nick spilled a few droplets of the water onto his hand as they went, but did surprisingly well with it, he thought. And he was feeling actual thirst, not just the sensation that his body was dry. "So where's the suit, and how much time do we have before I have to put that thing on?"

"Not a fan of suits?" Joey glanced back at him sympathetically. "Me neither. I hate them so, so much. Mom said it was in the hall, I'm guessing by the door..." Joey wandered out, then back in, as Nick continued to stand still and sip his water. He'd pretty much mastered it, he thought, and didn't spill a bit. "Here it is, safe and sound, god bless Jive, let's hope it fits."

"It'll be close enough," said Nick confidently. And if it wasn't, too bad, he didn't have to wear it for long. "Do we have to go upstairs again?"

"Nope. We've got options." Joey poked his head into a room and withdrew hastily. "Not that one, there's...girlystuff for the wedding in there." He moved past the stairs, down the hall, and held another door open, looking back at Nick. "We've got the den, if we want it."

"What do you mean, if?" asked Nick, stepping inside and looking around. "What about you, Joey? Where's your stuff? Oh, and wow, my hair must be a disaster, huh?"

"I've got a suit upstairs, mom keeps it for when I come to town so I'll have something 'decent to wear.'" He grinned a little at his own imitation. "It'll be a little tight, but okay. If I remember correctly. Your hair looks...fluffy. Not that bad."

"Fluffy?" repeated Nick, staring at him for a moment. "Oh, I am not going out with fluffy hair. We'll have to do something with it. Later." He finished off the water and set the cup on the nearest flat surface, then reached out to touch Joey's belly gently. "No matter what," he said, "I'm glad I came."

"We've got some time," Joey said softly, his grin gentling down into a sweet smile. "We can fix your hair, I packed stuff. I'm so glad you came, too." He settled onto the overstuffed couch, pulling Nick down next to him. "It's just...great, having you here. No matter what."

Nick sank gratefully into the couch, once again not noticing just how tight his muscles were getting until he had the chance to let them relax. "Any chance you could rub my shoulders?" he suggested tentatively. "This might be the last chance we get for a while ... "

"You know it." Joey turned him around till he was facing away, one leg crooked up onto the couch, and started rubbing, gently at first. "Let me know if it's too much, okay? You're so thin, I feel like I'm gonna bruise you. All clumsy and stuff."

"I'm not *that* thin," argued Nick, wondering for a moment just how he *did* look to other people. "And you're not clumsy. And ... " He moaned softly. "You *know* how good that feels. You're not gonna hurt me."

"Naw, you're not, but I've got big hands." Joey ran his thumbs firmly up the sides of Nick's neck, then back down to his shoulders. "First time I held Brianna I was so scared I was gonna drop her, you know? She was the teeniest thing I'd ever seen. And really fragile. Anyway, though, the big hands came in kinda handy, since I could hold her with just one."

"I can't wait to see the two of you together," said Nick softly. "To see you being all daddy. I hope she likes me ... with my luck she'll probably cry the first time I get anywhere near her, let alone get to pick her up."

"She's not actually a big cryer," Joey said with a chuckle. "And she loves people, so I don't think you have much to worry about, unless she's teething. In which case she'll be crying anyway, and it won't have anything to do with you at all." He pressed Nick forward a little, so he could reach his lower back, and Nick bent with a sigh. "She's darling. I think you're gonna love her."

"I know I will," said Nick, letting his eyes drift shut. "I'm just worried about *her* loving *me*. She's got Joey-genes in her, of course I'm gonna love her to pieces. Even when she's teething."

"Well, if she's got Joey-genes in her, she's destined to love you," Joey pointed out reasonably. "It works both ways, baby. Except maybe when she's teething. Then she's just miserable." He leaned in and brushed a kiss over the nape of Nick's neck, before going back to rubbing.

"Things are gonna be so different, when we're home again," he said, letting his head drop forward even further and feeling the muscles stretch. "SO different. In so many ways. I'm not even sure I can even imagine how it's gonna be."

"Different how?" Joey asked, shifting behind him and pressing harder on the muscles down his spine. "I mean, beyond the not drinking, and the dating me, and the eating a lot...oh. I guess it will be kinda different. But good, I think. At least those parts."

"No, different good, that's what I mean," said Nick quickly. "But still, different. Thing'll be different between me and the guys, and then there'll be me and you, and then there'll be me all finding myself again, or maybe for the first time, and probably going to a therapist I guess, which ... " He grunted softly. "Still not feeling comfortable with that, entirely. And then, plus, dealing with my family and having things change there. Just ... so much."

"It'll be kind of crazy for a while," Joey agreed. "Just figuring out who knows what and who's not supposed to but might anyway and what THEY think they know is making me dizzy. I think it'll probably be easier for you, too, once it's all out on the table and you can start dealing with reactions. Until then it's all hypothetical, you know?"

"Yeah," said Nick. "My family, though ... I'm not exaggerating about them, Joey. This whole thing ... it isn't gonna end up pretty, that's for sure. But at least I know what I want now. I'm an adult and I can face the and I don't have to do the things she says, or beleive the things she does."

"You say 'she,'" Joey pointed out quietly. "I'm guessing you're talking about your mom. What about your dad? Your brother and sisters? I mean, just from what you've said, I get that it won't be easy. Is it gonna go over okay with the others? Besides Aaron?"

"Oh, my sisters will be fine, I'm sure," he said. "They know ... what it's like at home. They've all lived there, too, after all. And my dad is kinda ... he's distant. He doesn't really care much, as long as he's supported well enough to do whatever he wants. So mostly her."

"She's the scary one, huh?" Joey stopped his massage, and pulled Nick back between his legs, so he was resting on Joey's chest. "If you want, I can get JC to pretend to be mean and homophobic and you can practice on him. Would it be good or bad if I was there? When you tell her, I mean? And are you gonna lay the whole thing on her at once?"

"You don't want to meet her, Joey," he said, very sure of that. "I don't want you being hurt. At all. Ever. And she's very good at hurting people." He bit his lip and wondered if he'd said too much. But at this point, between them, there wasn't anything that was too much anymore, really. It was all about what *he* felt comfortable with.

"Like you?" Joey said softly, holding him still and close. "She couldn't hurt me, she doesn't have that power. But it sounds like she hurt you a lot. Especially if you're worried she will again."

"She will again," said Nick, resting his weight against Joey, his eyes still closed. "Whether it's from this or something else, she will again, Joey. I've pretty much accepted that, I think."

"Well, if she does, I'll be there to kiss it and try to make it better. I mean, I can't, I know that, not really. Family's something way too big. But I don't like it. I don't like you getting hurt, not by anyone." Joey's voice hardened. "It's not right. She's your mom, and if she's hurting you she ain't doing her job right."

"You don't have to pass any tests to be a mother, Joey," he whispered. "You don't have to apply for it and nobody has to choose you. All you have to do is pop a kid out and bam, you have the job."

"Yeah, well, that sucks," Joey said firmly. "Bad people suck in general, but it's worse when they have kids to hurt." He pushed his nose into Nick's neck. "Please let me be there when you tell her? About me, at least? I just don't like the idea of you facing that all by yourself. And maybe it would help, maybe she'd be different if there was someone else there."

Nick hesitated, not convinced that his mother couldn't hurt Joey. It woudn't be overt, she usually hurt people in subtle ways. Sometimes he didn't even notice until later on, when she wasn't even around anymore. "Let's think about it," he said finally. "I don't know yet, Joey. Let me figure some things out first, how I'm going to do it and when."

"Okay." Joey's breath was warm on his neck. "Think about it good, though. I really wanna be there, I'm not just saying that." He kissed where his nose had been, then loosened his hold. "Okay, hot stuff. Go model the threads for me, so we can make sure we don't have to come up with an alternate plan."

Nick got up slowly, forcing his muscles to work again, stretching broadly. "Okay," he said, glacing towards the door. You're sure no one's gonna come in?"

"Not really," Joey shrugged, stretching back out now that Nick was gone. "It's unlikely, but you can lock the door if you're worried. This family isn't so great about knocking."

"Well, it's not like half the world hasn't already seen me in my underwear," he said after a moment, not wanting to be bothered. "Just give me a minute here." He stripped off his clothes efficiently, feeling a bit more strength than he had earlier, and unwrapped the suit, trying on the pants, first.

"Maybe a belt," Joey frowned, propping his chin on a fist. "They're a little big, I think. The color's cool, though, you know? I like that red-brown. And thank god they got the length right." He grinned. "You look good."

"Yeah, they're definitely loose," admitted Nick, tugging at the waist, suddenly self-conscious about it. "Comfortable, but they're gonna need a belt. I don't suppose there's one kicking around that I could use with this? Since it obviously doesn't come with one ... "

"I've got a couple upstairs, we'll get one later." Joey grabbed the bag and pulled out the jacket, smoothing a stray wrinkle. "Ooh, nice. Soft stuff. I'm pretty sure we've got a turtleneck for you, too. Just try this on, make sure it'll fit over."

Nick tried it on and was surprised to find that it was just a little bit loose, too. he hadn't thought he shrunk any in the shoulders at all, but maybe his back ... "It fits fine," he said. "Look okay?"

"Looks great," Joey nodded, tugging at one of his sleeves until it fell more naturally. "Color's amazing, it fits great. Score one for the nice lady at Jive, remind me to send her a fruit basket." He slid his hands up the outsides of Nick's legs until they touched his bare sides, smiling up from his seat on the couch. "You look maaahvelous, dahhhling."

"Don't mess up the suit," said Nick sternly. "It's the only one I've got and it has to last all day." He rolled his shoulders and smiled. "Well, at least I'm gonna be comfortable."

"I should hope so. It's Armani, I think. You better hide it when we get home, or JC'll steal it." Joey held his waist lightly. "I wanna mess up the suit. I think it's definitely a candidate for that fantastic 'lightly worn' look all the magazines are raving about this season." He pulled a little, bringing Nick between his legs. "Plus, I don't think you've kissed me nearly enough today yet."

"Don't. Mess up. The suit," said Nick again, grinning at him. "We don't have time to get another if we go and stain it before the ceremony. Kissing, though ... I think I might like that ... "

"I'm not gonna *stain* it," Joey said indignantly, even as he pressed his face into Nick's bare belly, just for a moment, kissing the skin there. "You might wanna take off the jacket, though. Wrinkles. And I bet the steamer's booked solid for the next couple of hours." He pulled at Nick a little more insistently.

"Joey!" He laughed, but he did take the jacket off and set it aside carefully. "I may be feeling better, but I'm not going to do you in your parents' den. I'd never be able to look them in the face again."

"Fine, no doing. Especially not with the door unlocked." Joey finally tugged hard enough to bring Nick tumbling down on top of him. "Can we at least do the kissing, though? I still think we're way behind our quota, here."

"We can do the kissing," said Nick, squirming in his lap and then kissing him firmly. "Careful though ... we want that food to stay down for a while ... "

Joey's arms lightened instantly, as did his mouth, relaxing the kiss into something more gentle, less playful. "Careful it is," he murmured with a little smile. "No more grabbing. Just kissing." He followed through, too, nipping gently at Nick's mouth, stroking his back with warm fingers.

Nick kissed him back and thought maybe he was hearing the door open behind him, but he wasn't entirely sure of that until he heard it slam again, and the thumping of little feet as they dashed back somewhere else, probably to the kitchen to tell on them. He lifted his head and looked into Joey's eyes and laughed a little.

"I love you," he murmured while he still could.

"I love you too," Joey said, and then started laughing. "Was that the door? That was the door, wasn't it." He didn't let go of Nick, though, and actually leaned back into the couch, bringing Nick closer for another long, wet kiss. Lots of tongue, and Nick realized vaguely that he could barely remember a time when he didn't know what Joey tasted like.

"That was definitely the door," he said a few moments later, a bit dazed by the kiss. "Dunno who. Doesn't matter. I'm sure we'll know soon enough." He licked his lips and thought about taking his glasses off so he could nuzzle in closer, but that woud look even more suspicious.

"They'll leave us alone, for a little while, at least," Joey said, though he looked kind of shaky himself. "Someone got an eyeful of you, half naked, sitting on me in the den. At the very least they'll give us time to, ah. Compose ourselves. We don't need it, but *they* don't know that."

"Are you sure?" asked Nick, glancing guiltily towards the door. If it had been his place, someone -- someone in authority -- would have burst through the door by now and broken things up. "Well ... if you say so ... "

"Pretty sure, if high school rules still apply, and I think they do." Joey grinned up at him. "I think those rules were established when Janine walked in on my mom and dad necking in the game room and was scarred for life. Since then, nookie gets privacy."

"Until it's time to get ready for the wedding," murmured Nick, relaxing against him again. "The wedding comes before everything. See? I remember the rules."

"Very good," Joey nodded approvingly, running warm hands up and down his back and making him shiver a little. "I see you've picked up the 'wedding is all' vibe we've got working here this weekend." He dropped his head against Nick's chest and groaned a little. "Is it terrible of me to wish it was over already? I spend enough of my life in crowds."

"You don't think *I* wish it was over already?" Nick reminded him, giving him a soft kiss. "But it'll be okay. I'm looking forward to seeing you in a suit, actually. That's what's keeping me going -- Joey in a suit."

"Joey in a suit is a lot like regular Joey," Joey said, laughing a little. "Only I look more like a gangster. Or so I'm told. Mostly what's keeping me going is seeing the flower girls, and my mom all happy, and showing off my gorgeous, talented, extremely hot new boyfriend. That and the idea that we'll be stopping at Blockbuster on the way home, pick up a thousand movies, and not move again till Wednesday."

Nick gave him a grateful grin, then. "Absolutely," he said. "We'll hole up in your den with our drinks and our junk food and leftovers and won't move except to go to bed. Sounds perfect to me."

"Perfect," Joey sighed happily. "Yep. We won't have to have junk food 'less we want it, either. Mom and dad cook like they still have three kids in the house, all the time, so we're set." He cuddled Nick closer. "How you feeling?" he asked softly. "Shake still okay? Want more water?"

"I'm surviving," said Nick, coming back to the moment after letting himself imagine how good it would be, in the future. "I feel ... I don't even know, Joey. Let's just say okay. Maybe more water after we get up."

"Okay is good. Okay is definitely better than not-okay. And you can have all the water you can drink." He reached up for another soft kiss. "You're a survivor, baby. You're doing so good, I can't even believe it."

"Joey ... " said Nick softly, shaking his head. "I'm not ... I know you think I'm doing good. But I don't feel like I'm doing good. I guess i don't have anything to compare it to, but ... i still feel weak. You know I do. I should be doing better than this."

"I don't see how you could be." Joey shook his head. "You're here, you're walking around, you're getting stronger all the time. You haven't had a drink, even though I know you want one, I can tell. You've gotta give yourself credit for all the progress you've made. I mean, last week...could you imagine being here?"

"None of it," said Nick fervently, suddenly realizing just *how* much had changed. "My God, Joey, it hasn't even been a week ... " That thought alone stunned him into silence, that a week ago he'd been happily going about his life, drinking himself stupid and trying to drown everything else out.

"Not even a week," Joey confirmed softly. "Look at everything you've done, how far you've come. It blows my mind every time I think about it. You've made these huge changes, Nick, and it's just amazing. You're so strong. I love you."

"It feels like forever sometimes," said Nick, feeling both proud and panicked inside. "How am I gonna keep this up, Joey? I know it's not always gonna be like this, but ... nevermind. I can't even wrap my mind around it right now, let alone figure it out."

"Not to be cliche, or anything, but one day at a time." Joey's hands were soothing on his shoulders. "You don't hafta figure it out, not right now. Just keep dealing with things as they come. It'll get easier every day, too."

"I guess it has so far," said Nick, taking a couple of deep breaths, then giving Joey a kiss to calm himself a little. "Sometimes it just hits me, Joey. Really hard. And I just don't know what i'm doing, don't know what made me think I could do this."

"All you can do is keep going forward," Joey said, kissing him again before he could move back. "You can do it. I know you can, I've got faith. Look at you...you've accomplished a lot of hard stuff in your life. This is just one more obstacle, and you can beat it."

Nick struggled not to start berating himself again, not to turn this into a bad moment, and it *was* a struggle. It was as hard as anything he was doing, now. "I guess I have," he said finally. "And with you to help me, I'm doing it again."

"You definitely have. This isn't exactly an easy industry to succeed in, you know." Joey smiled encouragingly. "And you're all kinds of successful. You stayed a great person, even through everything. And I'll help you however I can."

"Well, I kinda didn't," Nick had to point out, even as he let Joey boost his self-esteem. "Stay a great person, I mean. I was in all kinds of trouble, Joey, you know that."

"You were in trouble, yeah, but that doesn't make you a bad person." Joey rocked him back and forth lightly. "You just made a mistake. You took a wrong turn somewhere, and everybody does that. I mean, look at you. You haven't thrown a single thing at me, even when you were really, really miserable, and I think that's proof right there that you're a good person." Joey was still smiling.

"I threw stuff at the walls, though," said Nick, hiding his face for just a moment. "I try to be good but I'm not a great person. I want to do better now, though. I want to try again."

"Hey." Joey pulled his hands away from his face and held them. "You're a great person. You're getting better, physically, too. Throwing stuff at the walls, well...at least you know you're not gonna bring the building down or anything." He kissed Nick's nose. "You don't even have to try. You just *are*."

"I have to try," insisted Nick. "I have to work for it. I have to make up for ... everything. So many things, I've done, that I need to make up for now. And I don't even know where to start. I can't be a great person -- I can't even be a good person -- until I do that."

"What do you have to make up for?" Joey sounded confused. "What did you do, that's so bad?"

"I didn't always treat people well," said Nick, memories of incidents like that flooding back to him. "I wasn't always there when people needed me. Caused them trouble, 'specially the guys. Things like that, Joey. Lots of things like that."

"All when you were drinking, or before, too?" Joey held his eyes with his own. "I know you did stuff when you were drinking, I was there for some of it, I think. That's why they have the apology thing, at AA, I know."

"Mostly when I was drinking," said Nick, biting down hard on his lip for a moment. "Almost all, really. Before that, well, I didn't have much control over what I did, most of the time. If I did something wrong, it was me as much."

"Well, alcohol..." Joey trailed off, searching for words. "I don't wanna say it wasn't you, because it was, and that's not really an excuse. But it changes you. I've seen it. And people understand that. So it's like...you're apologizing for those changes, more than anything. I don't know if I'm saying it right."

"'No, I know what you're saying," said Nick with a sigh. "But you don't know how it feels. I remember doing those things. Most of them. And when I don't remember, I at least remember seeing the effects of them. So it *was* me. It's a part of me. I can't pretend it was anything other than what it was."

"I've done things when I was drunk that I've had to apologize for, too," Joey said gently. "I know how that feels. Maybe not as much, but I do. And yeah, it's a part of you. And making it right...I think that's really good." He hugged Nick close again. "Yet more proof that you're a good person. You wanna make things you did wrong better. See?"

"But I haven't done it yet," insisted Nick. "Just ... trust me on this, Joey. It's something I'm gonne need to do, before I even fell like an *okay* person, let alone a good person."

"Just the desire is something," Joey started, then stopped himself. "Okay. It's your mind, you know the way you feel, what you need to do. Just know that I think you're a great person. And I'll help you out, whatever you want to do."

"That helps," said Nick, just as he started to hear noises at the door again. "I may not always act like it, but it does. Thank you, Joey. For ... just everything."

Joey ducked in for another kiss, lingering this time. "You're welcome. Thank *you* for trying so hard, and making it work." He leaned back, with a sigh. "I think our moment of grace is over. Someone either needs us or this room, and I should probably go get dressed anyway." Someone knocked on the door, lightly. "Come in," he called, not moving away from Nick at all.

Since Joey didn't move, Nick didn't much either, even though he was still half naked and the position they were in was, well, more than a little compromising. At least he hadn't taken his glasses off, though, and he clung to that like it was his one remaining shred of dignity. "Love you," he shot out quickly, while he felt like he still could and not have it feel public and thus gratuitous.

"Love you too," Joey whispered back, even as his mother came bustling into the room. "Hey, ma," he said, casually, smiling back over his shoulder.

"Joey, you're not even dressed! And Nick, are you wrinkling that nice suit? I swear, you boys are just a disaster with clothes." She came around the couch and picked up Nick's jacket, smoothing it out. "Now get untangled and go get ready."

Nick sheepishly untangled himself and got up, brushing his pants to remove and wrinkles and taking the jacket from her. "Sorry, ma'am," he murmured, not meeting her eyes. "Won't happen again. I promise." Then he took a step away and waited for the lecture. Or, worse, to be uninvited.

"Don't you worry about it," she said with a smile, patting his arm and handing him his jacket. "And don't make promises like that, they're bound to fail." She turned a stern eye on Joey, who was grinning at her unrepentantly. "You should know better than to wait so long to get dressed. What if that suit needs pressing? Upstairs, the pair of you. You're worse than the girls!"

Joey bounced up to his feet. "I'm sure the suit is fine, mom, don't worry so much. Unless Steve's been using it when he's in town again, and if he has I'll kill him, and then I can wear his. It'll be fine." He grabbed Nick's hand. "Ready to face the stairs again?"

Nick blinked at both of them in surprise. That was it? "I ... guess?" he said awkwardly, folding the jacket over his arm, then wondering if he should put it on. "We should ... yeah. Get ready. I'm sorry, I really am."

"She's not mad," Joey whispered, even as his mother shooed them to the door.

"Don't be sorry, you're not late *yet,*" she said, closing the den behind them. "Do you have everything you need? Joey, please tell me you're shaving that scruff before the ceremony. And Nick..." she looked at him with an appraising eye, then patted his cheek. "You look just fine, honey. Now shoo, I've got to get my own face put on."

Nick wondered how awful he actually looked, that she felt like she had to say that to him rather than tell him the truth. He let Joey drag him to the stairs silently, and didn't complain at all as he struggled to get up them again. He loved the privacy of their room, but he would have given it all up to have something on the ground floor, right then.

"Sorry I got you in trouble," he mumbled, clutching the jacket to him as they climbed.

"I'm not in trouble," Joey threw a curious glance over his shoulder as he took another step, going very slowly and not letting go of Nick's hand. "That's just mom being a little frazzled. My dad probably lost his cufflinks again or something." He paused on the landing, and Nick leaned on the wall gratefully. Joey's grin twinkled at him. "You're lucky. She told me when she was lookin' at your tour book she thinks you look nice with a little scruff. She thinks *I* look like a thug."

"You don't," said Nick, running his fingers over Joey's chin. "You look good. So ... how do I look, really? Is it ... " He bit his lip. "Is it really that bad?"

"She told you you look good. You do." Joey nipped at his fingertip playfully. "You've got color again and your eyes are all sparkly again. Believe me, if she thought you weren't gonna look right for-" Joey's voice went deep and dramatic "-THE WEDDING, she woulda said."

"Maybe she was being too nice to say," argued Nick, even though he *knew* he was wrong about that -- nothing came ahead of the wedding. "Okay, lets get me upstairs, because this is the *last* time I'm doing it. Next time I come down, I'm staying there."

Joey chuckled a little, and grabbed his hand again, and started up the stairs. "Just think how good it is for your legs," he pointed out. "Who needs a stairmaster? You'll be in shape for your tour in no time." He dodged as a little girl in a dress came clattering down the stairs, shrieking about her shoes. "I guess we could set up a cot in the den, though, if you're dead set on it."

"Hurts way more than it ought to," mumbled Nick, dragging himself up to the top alongside Joey. "My legs are in great shape, when I'm not feeling like ass. Right?"

"Your legs are in *wonderful* shape," Joey said appreciatively, looking down at them. "I'm a leg man, and yours are pretty fantastic, I must say. But look, those great legs got you up here again. And you can sit down and give 'em a break while I shave and get dressed and stuff." He smiled at Nick as he pushed through their door. "Next time, I'll give you a lift, if you want one."

"It's not my legs that hurt," said Nick, even though he wasn't sure what did. Everything, he guessed. He just felt ... beaten. Defeated. "I should shave, too." Then he looked at his still-shaking hands. "Or maybe not."

"C'mere." Joey pulled him into a hug, wrapping around him big and warm. "More water and advil for you, and if you want to shave, I can help. Though you don't need to." He kissed Nick's neck, where his head was tucked in. "What hurts?"

"I don't know," said Nick, letting Joey's body surround him and hiding inside it. "I don't know how I feel and I don't know what I want. I hurt in places I don't even know the names for. And I don't know what to do about it."

"Just relax, a little," Joey crooned softly, leaning against the dresser and holding Nick's weight. "You're all wound up tight and hard. Give that busy brain a rest for a bit, think about something nice and happy and simple." He smiled against Nick's throat, beard scratchy. "After the wedding I'll give you a nice long rubdown. With massage oil and everything. And then we can go to bed and sleep for a really long time."

"Unless I get sick again," murmured Nick, immediately wishing he hadn't said that aloud. "No, it'll be okay. The wedding will be lovely and we can sneak away early and ... sleep. In the den because I'm serious, no more stairs ... "

"It'll be fine," Joey said softly. "Whatever you want. Though I really like this room, and I may just wait till you fall asleep and carry you up here." He pulled back a little, and smiled into Nick's eyes. "By then I bet you'll be so tired you won't even notice. But once everyone is gone, tomorrow, I'll get mom to move us to the second floor. Many less stairs, and still private."

Nick closed his eyes and rested his head against Joey's shoulder again. "No, don't," he said with a sigh. "This is like our room now. It should be easy to carry me ... there's not much left of me right now. Not as much as there should be."

"It is kinda like our room, huh?" Nick felt Joey's head turn, as he looked around. Suitcases open on the floor, clothes strewn everywhere, the bed unmade and rumpled. Joey's shaving kit was spilling out onto the dresser, and their shoes were in an untidy, intimate pile by the door. "I dunno about easy," Joey teased gently. "Those long legs I like so much might start banging into stuff. I might have to call in reinforcements. It'll be the Get Nick Upstairs project."

Nick groaned quietly. "I think I'd rather brave them myself again than become a group project," he said, pushing himself upright again and getting himself all the way into the room. "I hate that I'm feeling this tired. I don't suppose there's anything I could take ... ?"

"I'm just kidding." Joey left a hand on his back as he followed Nick across the floor. "Nobody's getting hands on you but me, if I have anything to say about it." He gently steered Nick to the bed, and pushed him down onto it. "No, there's nothing you can take, I'm sorry. Mom'll make you tea, that has a little caffeine, but with your stomach like it is...there just isn't anything else. Maybe once we get moving again you'll catch the momentum."

"Maybe," murmured Nick, sinking comfortably into the bed. "Guess I'll have to. Milkshake helped, I think. I'll make it. And if I pas-- if I fall asleep at least I'll have your shoulder to do it on. Promise I won't do it during the ceremony, though. That would probably be frowned on."

"That milkshake was full of good things," Joey said a little smugly. "I'm glad it's helping. You won't fall asleep during the ceremony, I'll...pinch you or something, keep you awake." He crouched by Nick's suitcase, picking up and discarding shirts till he came to a ribbed cream turtleneck. "Here you go." He tossed it into Nick's lap. "Okay, now for the moment of truth. Will Joey fit into his suit? News at 11!" He sighed, and went to the closet, pulling out a garment bag.

"You've gotten a lot of exercise just taking care of me," Nick reminded him, just holding the shirt in his lap and watching Joey as he got ready. "You're gonna look great in it. Trust me, I know these things. If I can get sober, you can fit in your suit."

Joey grinned at him. "I dunno if belief and strong will can overcome laws of physics, but I'll give it a good college try." He pulled the pants up over his hips, sucked in his breath, and zipped and buttoned in one quick motion. Then looked down carefully at his stomach, which bulged over just a bit. "Hey, not as bad as I'd thought. Good thing I like my clothes baggy, huh?" The jacket fit well, too, though he couldn't quite get the top button fastened. "Okay," he said, holding out his arms. "How's it look?"

"You're passable," Nick told him, giving him a warm smile. "You look good. How does it feel? Comfortable enough for a couple hours of sitting, you think? We can change before we eat, I'm sure. Um. Right?"

"We'd better," Joey chuckled, stripping back out of the jacket. "I don't know about you, but I'd rather *not* bust out of my pants in front of yet another crowd." He rolled his eyes. "The concert was bad enough. A wedding reception, I'd never get over that." He grabbed the shaving kit, and headed for the bathroom. "Whattaya think? Standard goatee, or take it all off?"

"I like your goatee," said Nick, fighting the urge to curl up under the covers and stay there. "But what I think isn't important. What's important is ... what's appropriate for *the wedding*. What do you think?"

"If you like the goatee, the goatee stays," Joey assured him, leaving the door open as he ran the water. "Screw the wedding. Well, no. But you know what I mean." He poked his head back through the door, lather making him look like a young, demented, half-naked santa claus. "You still hanging in there, baby?"

"So far," said Nick, eyeing the turtleneck, then dropping it on the bed and carefully crossing the room to Joey's side. "You'll have to shave me," he said, leaning against the doorframe. "Or I'll bleed everywhere. I'm still, you know, shaking. A little."

Joey scraped the razor over his cheek, carefully avoiding his chin. His eyes were warm, as they met Nick's in the mirror. "I will if you want. I like the fuzz, though. It's all gold." He tapped the razor clean, then took another stroke. "Still shaky, huh," he asked quietly. "Is it better, at least?"

"Well, I'm not spilling things," he said, letting Joey's eyes hold his for once, without looking away. "So that's a big step up, I think. But I'm not about to trust myself with sharp objects just yet. Even if I can't do much damage with them." He ran a -- yes, shaky -- hand over his chin. "I'd feel better if I shaved, I think. Less scruffy."

"Okay." Joey tilted his chin up, shaving carefully under his throat, and Nick could see the warm brown skin as it appeared behind the razor. One last swipe and Joey set down the razor, splashing water on his face and then shaking his head like a dog, blinking drops off his eyelashes. "Okay, we can do that," he repeated finally, wiping himself dry and smiling. "Sit, boy. You're getting the barbershop treatment. Don't move too much, I haven't done this in years."

"Are you suggesting I *would* have better luck if I did it myself?" asked Nick, but he gave him a trusting smile and sat down. "Well, as long as there's not *too* much blood I think we're in good shape."

"I'll do my best not to kill you," Joey promised solemnly. "Especially not with a safety razor, because what a way to go!" He rubbed lather between his hands and stroked them over Nick's cheeks and chin, dabbing some on his upper lip. "Good thing you're not going for a goatee. Don't know if I could do that, on someone else."

"I don't think a goatee would be really attractive on me anyway," mused Nick, resisting the urge to rub his chin again. "Not that I've ever tried." Then he shushed so he wasn't moving his lips when Joey came at him with a blade, covered or not.

He could barely feel the blade as Joey ran it over his skin, as delicately as if Nick was a baby. "Hmmm, tilt a little, yeah." He had his lip between his teeth, eyes narrow as he shaved Nick carefully. His breathing was loud in the quiet. Finally, his thumb swiped at Nick's lip, and he stood back. "There, done. And not a nick in sight!" He giggled suddenly. "No pun intended."

Nick turned to look at himself in the mirror, touching his raw face gingerly. "Good job," he said, trying not to notice how his hand trembled. "I look better, I think. You think?"

"You look wonderful." Joey wrapped arms around him from behind, razor still in one hand as he propped his chin on Nick's bare shoulder. "Look how gorgeous you are. Look at those eyes. Man, and skin, and your mouth. I don't know why I'm bringing you to this thing. Everyone's gonna be so busy looking at you, they won't even notice the bride. She'll probably send me hate mail."

Nick smiled at that, and saw it reflected back at him in the mirror. It made him look better. He straightened his glasses so they weren't skewed and tilted forward, then met Joey's eyes in the mirror again. "We look good together," he murmured. "Now we should get dressed before another search party shows up."

Joey smiled, and kissed the top of his shoulder, letting go with a sigh. "Yeah, mom's sweet, but she'll only come looking so many times. Have I mentioned that I really hate ties?" He stuck his tongue out at himself in the mirror, then wandered away, kicking idly at the mess on the floor. "Maybe I've got a superman one. Or a naked lady one. Or a Backstreet one--do they make Backstreet ties?"

"They make Backstreet ties," Nick assured him, following behind but a lot more slowly. "And Backstreet boxers. They didn't sell so well though ... not a lot of guys wanting Backstreet stuff. Marketing's not so bright sometimes." He thought about his cream turtleneck and smiled. "I don't have to wear a tie."

"I know," Joey groaned. "I'm so jealous. But I look shitty in turtlenecks, plus my suit isn't made for them." He picked up a light green dress shirt and looked at it with distaste. "God. It's like wearing a noose. I swear I got into the entertainment business so I'd never have to wear one of these." He struggled into it. "Well, that and all the hot guys," he amended with a smirk.

"Yeah, all those hot guys," Nick smiled back at him. "Forgetting that it's easier to be gay when you're *not* in the public eye?" He sat back down on the bed again and picked up the turtleneck. "Is that the only shirt you have?"

"I've got a white one, but I look like an accountant in it," Joey said, fastening his cuffs. "Why? Is it really ugly and I didn't notice? That happens sometimes." He grabbed his jacket, seemingly unconcerned. "Come on, now. Like I'd ever have gotten to meet someone like you if I wasn't in N Sync? Jeesh. Or even, like, I don't know. All the other hot gay boy celebrities."

"No, it's not ugly, I just think you look great in red," said Nick, studying him as he got dressed, still. "And maybe you woudln't have met me, but you would've met someone great. You're *you*. Of course you would have."

"I like red," Joey nodded, pulling on his coat. "I'm thinking red hair again soon, I miss it. Will you dump me if I turn all our pillows pink?" He grinned at Nick, then sobered. "I wonder sometimes. Like, what if they hadn't let me into the group? Would I even know that something was missing? If I hadn't met the guys? If I hadn't met you?" He shook his head. "I can't even imagine it."

"No, I can't imagine it either," said Nick, struggling to stand up again so he could actually get ready. "Life would be so different. But different doesn't mean bad. Maybe ... my life wouldn't have been so messed up, if *I* hadn't made it. But then I wouldn't have you."

Joey reached in for his hand and pulled him easily to his feet, holding him when he staggered a little. "Yeah, you never know, huh? I'm glad you made it, because it means *I* get to have *you*." He smiled. "And in the grand scheme of things, your life isn't that messed up. A little rough around the edges, maybe. Some bumps. But just think...you've got great friends, family that loves you, boyfriend who adores you completely. You're financially set for life, and you can get neat free passes to movies. You're doing what you love. Not so bad."

"It could be a lot worse," agreed Nick, taking his glasses off and setting them on the bed, then pulling the turtleneck on and only struggling a little, he thought. "I know it could. But it could have been a lot easier, too."

"Well, you can say that about just about anything," Joey said, pulling Nick's turtleneck straight and smoothing it over his waist. "Like I said, though, I'm awful glad you're here now." He stepped back a little and looked at Nick, head to toe. "That's a great suit. You look wonderful. Jive definitely gets that fruit basket."

Nick smiled at him, then groped for his glasses on the bed. "Where did I set the coat down again?" he asked, straightening up for just a second and squinting around the room. "Oh, but I should brush my teeth first. Actually, I should've done that before getting dressed ... "

"The turtleneck's light, a little toothpaste won't hurt it." Joey reached past him, then handed him his glasses. "Jacket's on the dresser, and *that* I would probably leave off till your pearly whites are all clean." He jumped as his cell phone rang, and fished for it in the bed, opening it with a snap. "This is Joey. Oh, hey, J." He rolled his eyes apologetically at Nick.

Nick just shrugged and gave him a little wave to pass on to Justin as he started for the bathroom, as steadily as he could. It got better all the time. "Love you," he shot back of his shoulder, and gave Joey a smile.

Joey's voice was just a murmur at first, too quiet to hear below the running water, but pretty soon it rose. Nick didn't mean to listen. It just wasn't possible not to.

"Justin. Justin. JUSTIN!" Joey broke off, after the almost-shout. "Justin, I am not dealing with this right now. Call Chris. Call Lance, go play basketball with Trace or something, but." A pause. "And whose fault is that? J, you're being a complete asshole. I don't care. No, I'm not. I will not. That's your fault for scheduling-" He broke off again. "I'm sorry about that, but no. I'll be back on Wednesday, that's final." His voice went low again, and Nick couldn't hear any more.

Nick forced himself to stay where he was, to finish brushing his teeth, to not go out there like he'd been listening in even though Joey had to know Nick had heard that. He spat one last time and rinsed out his mouth and only *then* did he leave the bathroom, shutting off the light behind him.

Joey was just closing the phone, looking briefly like he wanted to throw it across the room. He opened it again, pushed some buttons, and shoved it into his pocket. "There, ringer off," he glanced up at Nick, from his seat on the bed. "He's the type to call back endlessly."

"Everything okay?" asked Nick, tentatively approaching him, figuring it might as well be in the open. Everything else was. "That sounded .. well, bad, to be honest."

"It was," Joey groaned, flopping back onto the bed. "He's such a fucking diva sometimes, you don't even know. He's pissy about something, won't say what, but he scheduled some group meeting for Monday, knowing I'm out of town. What a freak." He snorted derisively. "We're on vacation. Also, he doesn't just get to schedule meetings on a whim, he knows that. I'd lie down in traffic for that kid, but handling his hissy fits is not in my job description. Especially when I'm not even there in person."

"Why'd he go and do that?" asked Nick, going over to pick up his jacket once he had a grasp of the situation. "Is this over that boyfriend thing that you were telling me about before? Cause calling a group meeting over something like that seems a bit extreme."

"It sure does," Joey agreed. "Especially since we all know about it already and no one cares. I actually have no idea what it's about. He's being irrational. Maybe he told Chris." He sighed deeply. "I'll call after the wedding. After the wedding and a nap. After the wedding and a nap and some serious necking with you. Yeah, okay, that works." He propped himself back up on his elbows, and smiled.

Nick had to smile back; he always did when he got a smile from Joey. Or at least, when he got a smile from Joey and he wasn't feeling like total crap. "Well, we all have our moods, I guess," he said, giving Justin the benefit of the doubt. "But he knows you have a wedding today. You ready?"

Joey shook his head, then nodded, then shook his head, still grinning. Then he stood, moving towards the pile of shoes. "See, that's the thing about Justin. He's generally not moody at all. When he gets like this, there's usually something really bothering him. Of course, the fact that he's arbitrarily changing schedules makes me a little less sympathetic."

"Oh," said Nick, a little more uneasily. "Oh, well ... maybe you really do need to go back right after the wedding, then. All this stuff going on, and you being stuck with me. I'll be okay, if you do."

"Hell no," Joey said firmly. "When we're done with everything tonight, I'll call the guys and find out what's going on. If it's something really terrible, like he's sick or something, I'll go back. But I'm not his mom, I'm not his boyfriend, he's got plenty of people there to help him through his crisis, whatever it is." Joey looked at him, and laughed a little. "Wow, that sounded really heartless. I don't mean it like that, really. He musta pissed me off worse than I even realized."

Nick took hold of his hand and squeezed gently. "You're probably just really on edge, too. I mean, everything you've had to deal with, with me? Probably wouldn't take much more at all to put you over. Sorry about that."

"Honey bear," Joey said sweetly, bringing his hand up and kissing it, "you are not something that puts me on edge. You're a delight." He squeezed Nick's fingers. "Justin's just a little difficult, sometimes. I'll be fine. And we're not leaving early."

"Well, I'm glad," admitted Nick. "I'm really kinda looking forward to snuggling down with a dozen movies and not worrying about *any*thing for at least a couple of days. I think it'll help. I hope."

"I'm sure it will." Joey let go of him, and balanced on one foot as he shoved the other into a shoe. "It has to. I mean, no stress, no mess, just good food and sitting still and vegging out. That's good even if you're feeling fine. If you're not, it's really the only way to go." He smiled at Nick. "Ready?"

Nick looked down at himself, assessing his readiness. "I don't suppose we thought to get me shoes?"

"Um." Joey froze. "Well, no. Do you have...I know I packed you black shoes. Just regular black shoes will be fine. They should be in the bottom of your bag."

"I can't wear black shoes with this," groaned Nick, still looking at himself. But he'd do what he had to. "They won't match at *all*."

"But I didn't think you'd need the tan ones!" Joey ran hands through his hair distractedly, looking frazzled. "Black shoes go with everything! Maybe not a white suit, but they'll be fine with that. I mean, brown, cream, black, you're going with the neutrals, right?"

"That doesn't quite work," mumbled Nick, but he stopped complaining. After all, he had a lot of other things to worry about. "Oh well. What does it matter if all your relatives think I have no taste in clothes?"

"Your pants are long anyway, and who's gonna be looking at your feet?" Joey said encouragingly. "Plus, I really do think black shoes are okay. You look fantastic, Nick, for real. Now c'mon, we're gonna miss the bus."

"I've been dressed longer than you have!" said Nick, reaching for his bag to dig his shoes out. With any luck, no one *would* look at them. It was a pretty nice suit. "Don't worry, we won't be missing anything. Someone would've yelled by now, right?"

"Probably," Joey said, checking his watch. "We're not even late, actually. We'll be right on time. This might be a first for me." He watched Nick dig. "I know they're in there. I remember packing them, because they were shiny and I put them on the bottom so they wouldn't get your PJs dirty."

Nick looked up for a second from his searching and grinned at him. "You really are obsessed with my PJs aren't you. I'm half-afraid that I'm gonna come home to you and every day you'll have a new pair for me. Well, actually, not afraid. That might be kinda sweet."

Joey shrugged, flushing a little. "They're cute," he mumbled. "You look all cuddly and innocent in 'em. It's cute." He grinned when Nick found the shoes. "See? And they'll look great." There was a pounding on the door.

"Joey! Nick! Come ON! Aunt Phyllis says you gotta be downstairs right now or she's coming up there young men and you won't be happy if she does!" The voice was young and female.

Nick grinned at what he presumed was an exact quote and nudged Joey to go open the door while he quickly -- or as quickly as he could, anyway -- pulled on his shoes and made sure they were laced tight. The last thing he needed to be doing around Joey's family, aside from getting embarassingly sick, was tripping over his own feet.

Joey swung the door open, and Sarah popped in, staring around curiously. "Hi, hello," she waved at Nick. "Joey, you're late and the limo's here. Did you eat breakfast, because Aunt Phyllis says hunger makes you slow."

Joey looked at her blankly, then grabbed her gently by the back of the neck, careful not to disturb her perfect curls or the ruffles on her dress. "How about you go tell Aunt Phyllis that her slow son is on his way, and no, I didn't have breakfast. Go."

She dug in her heels. "Nick, are you coming to the reception too? Are you gonna sing like Joey?" She gazed at him, all big brown eyes.

Nick finished with his shoes and stood up, making sure they were mostly covered by the pants. They were. Then he lifted his head and looked at Joey curiously, even as he talked to Sarah. "Sorry, sweetie, I've got a bit of a scratchy throat. But I'm sure looking forward to hearing Joey ... "

Joey rolled his eyes at him. "I'm not singing, Sarah. No matter what my mom says."

"But you always sing." She looked at him, then back at Nick. "Joey always sings," she repeated. "Sometimes with my uncle Joe. They do requests and stuff."

"Sarah," Joey sighed, flushing yet again, "I'm not singing at this wedding, okay? Now will you go?"

Nick gave Sarah a wink and, bravely for him, moved up to Joey's side to take his hand. "I'll see if I can't convince him to do just one," he promised her. "Ready to go, Joey?"

Sarah moved confidently to Nick's other side, sticking to him like glue, ignoring Joey's warning glare as they headed for the stairs. "You're gonna have to give him a lot of kisses to do that, huh? But it'll be good, because he always does cool songs. Except when he does lame ones. What's wrong with your throat? Are you getting sick?"

Nick hesitated and licked his lips before answering. "Just getting over being sick, actually," he said, squeezing Joey's hand. "It's been kind of a ... lingering thing. But anyway. Yes. It's probably gonna take, um, lots of kisses, to get him to do it. But I'll do my best."

"As long as you're not contagious," she said seriously, nodding up at him. "That's okay. Hey, I know. You could give *me* a kiss, and then I could help you convince Joey to sing!" She beamed up at him.

"Sarah!" Joey finally exploded, laughing. "Jesus, you're shameless. I'm not singing, you're not kissing my boyfriend, now for god's sake remember your manners before you embarrass me even more, here."

"I'm pretty sure I'm not supposed to kiss anyone but Joey anymore," said Nick with a grin that was much easier now. "Both of you, come on, I don't want to get in trouble my first time visiting."

"*You're* not the one who's in trouble," Joey said, still mock-glaring past him at Sarah, who stuck out her tongue at him. "This child, on the other hand-"

"I'm not a *child,* she protested immediately, and Joey grinned triumphantly. "I'm almost thirteen, Joey Fatone, and you know that." She sniffed and looked back at Nick, still at his side as they came to the last set of stairs. "My mother says I'm very mature for my age, too."

"Well, you certainly seem to be," he said generously. "You'll be in high school in no time." He tried not to show how tiring the stairs were, not for the general physical exertion so much as struggling to keep himself from swaying and stumbling as he went down.

Still, he faltered a little, and Joey's arm came around his waist as smoothly as if they'd planned it. His voice was firm, playtime over. "Okay, Sarah, go tell my mom we're here and ready to go. And ask if they've had the heater running in the limo for me? Nick hasn't been feeling good, we don't want him getting cold." She shot a worried glance at Nick, and nodded, pattering ahead into the kitchen.

"Okay, whoa, take a breather." Joey leaned them both against the wall, one hand on Nick's hip, one on his back. "You're pushing too hard, baby."

"I'm okay," insisted Nick, though he was grateful for the break, and for Joey's arms around him. "Really. It's just ... a balance thing right now. I'm figuring out my balance again, and going down a bunch of stairs is kinda messing with it."

"Well, we can go slower, then," Joey's voice was still low and concerned. "Take all the time you need, and tell me if you're having a hard time. Last thing you need is to fall down some stairs right now."

"We were already going slow," mumbled Nick, suddenly feeling embarassed about it again. "I was being careful. I'm just trying to feel *normal*, Joey. I should be able to keep up with your cousin going down some stupid stairs."

"Well, give yourself a little more time to be wobbly before you go climbing mountains, okay?" Joey shook his head. "You were kinda tilting left there for that whole last flight, but I didn't make you stop till you stumbled. It's great to be pushing, but don't push so hard you hurt yourself."

"Well, thanks," said Nick quietly. "I'm okay now. You think we should go down before Sarah tells your mom I'm sick and she goes into a panic?"

Joey pulled away from him, and regarded him with serious eyes. "Nick..." He trailed off, sighing. "Yeah, we probably should. She won't panic, but we are cutting the time close." He straighened his jacket, then went down the last few stairs. "We're in the last limo," he said over his shoulder. "Everyone else is already gone."

"I thought we weren't late!" he said, following him down steadily and grabbing at his sleeve. "Joey, I'm okay, honest." Then he leaned in and gave him a quick kiss on his neck. "We're gonna have a good time."

"We aren't, we aren't, our car is scheduled to leave now. We're not late. The others just had to go and do stuff." He smiled, and leaned back, kissing Nick more thoroughly, including a quick lewd slide of tongue. "We are, and you are, and it'll be good. Love you."

"Love you too," said Nick, giving him a satisfied smile. Then he patted him on the ass. "Now let's go before we miss it. Who are we riding with?"

Joey goggled at him, then grinned so big his eyes almost disappeared. "Mom, dad, Janine, Sarah, her mom my aunt Stephanie, um...Steve, his girlfriend, and I think that's it. The church is only about twenty minutes away." He leaned his head into the kitchen quickly. "Ma, we're getting coats, see you in the limo!"

"Well, I might be in your *lap* then, but I think that'll be okay. There's no one I have to worry about, in there, right? Everyone's gonna be nice?" Nick bit his lip, but he was sure that it would be okay.

"Everyone will be nice." Joey grinned at him, and tugged him into the front hall, handing him his jacket. "I don't know Steve's girlfriend well, but I'm sure she's okay. Well, no, actually I'm not, but we'll make it okay." He slid into his own coat, and peered out the window. "You won't be in my lap," he commented, sounding regretful. "That's one bigass limo."

Nick looked out too and nodded, impressed. "No kidding," he said, carefully sliding into his jacket. "Well, okay then. I'm feeling brave. Let's go, Joey." But before they did, he make sure to give Joey a lingering kiss. He didn't know when his next chance would be.

"Brave boy," Joey murmured, leaning into his touch before pulling back and opening the door. "Goddamn FUCK! it's cold," he yelped immediately, bouncing onto the top step. "Joseph Anthony," came an awful voice behind Nick. He swung around and saw Phyllis, hands on hips, staring at Joey, Sarah bright-eyed and giggling beside her. Joey groaned, and tried to hide behind Nick.

Nick had to side with Sarah, though, and giggled at little. At least it hadn't been him. "Say you're sorry, Joey," he murmured, giving him a gentle nudge. "Anything's forgivable on wedding day, I'm sure."

"I'm sorry, Joey," Joey mumbled, adding, "Didn't know you were there, mom, sorry." He nudged Nick back. "It *is* cold," he grouched.

"That's no excuse," Phyllis said, nodding approvingly at Nick. "Okay, I think that's everyone. Sarah has her flowers, you boys look very nice, I think everyone else is waiting." She held out her arm and Joey took it, helping her down the steps.

Nick very exaggeratedly offered his arm to Sarah, who giggled as she took it and let him escort her to the car. It *was* cold, and Nick really wasn't used to that at all. Especially since he'd had so, so much trouble staying warm the last while. He hoped no one would mind if he curled up into Joey's embrace as soon as they were in the limo. He knew he had to be shivering visibly already.

Joey held the door for his mother, and then Sarah, and Nick had to smile. Joey smiled back, and urged him inside with a gentle hand, then slid in after him and slammed the door, shivering. He blew on his hands, then looked around.

"Hello, family." He got grins. "Remind me why we didn't have this wedding in Florida, again?"

"Aw, be brave, widdle boy," Steve said, holding the hand of a rather vacant-looking blond in a fur coat. "Aren't you supposed to be the tough guy from New York?"

Nick just curled into himself, against Joey's side, and tried to stop shivering for at least a second. "Yeah, tough guy," he murmured with a shaky grin. "Be all tough. Get me warm again."

"I'll show you tough, little man," Joey tossed at Steve, even as he wrapped an arm around Nick's shoulders and pulled him in tighter. "You okay?" he murmured, much more softly, as Phyllis complained about the weather and Steve rolled his eyes.

Nick nodded, and didn't even care what it looked like as he curled in and pressed his forehead against Joey's neck. "I'm okay," he promised him. "Just nervous and cold. And nervous. And cold. But I'm sure both will get better."

"Don't be nervous," Joey said, smiling. Nick could hear it in his voice. "Cold, I can only do so much about." He grabbed Nick's cold hands and started chafing them between his own, callouses a little rough but the warmth was almost instant.

"God, they're all *cuddly*," Steve muttered, and Phyllis smacked his arm with a warning huff.

"None of your nonsense today, Steven."

"Yeah, Steve, don't be an asshole," Sarah piped in loftily, and everyone swung to look at her.

"Sarah-" Phyllis started, then just shook her head. "I give up. That one's not mine."

Nick tried really hard not to grin as he lifted his head, but it was a losing battle. "You're a bad influence," he murmured to Joey. Hearing her say that took all the sting out of Steve's comment. Or most of it, anyway.

Joey kissed him briefly, then glared past him at Steve, who was back to whispering in his date's ear. "It's not my fault," he said finally, meeting Nick's eyes again, smiling. "It's SO not my fault. I never swear! Just ask my mom."

Nick snickered softly, and tried not to notice the curious gazes surrounding him as he did. "I may be a little out of it lately," he admitted quietly, "but I'm not gonna fall for that one." Then he looked back at everyone else again and spoke up. "So where's the ceremony being held?"

"Church of the Holy Transfiguration," Phyllis said promptly. "It's the local church, it's only a little ways away."

"Yeah," Steve piped in. "She used to make Joey walk home when he got too many Hail Marys in confession. Only he thought that wasn't fair, so he'd always get 'lost' and I'd have to go find his lame ass."

Joey snorted, letting go of Nick's hands and wrapping him tighter in his arms. "It's like twenty blocks. That was far, man!" He looked down at Nick again. "Warmer?"

"Warmer," confirmed Nick, giving him a somewhat goofy, happy smile. "I bet you were a really cute kid, huh? In that always-getting-in-trouble kind of way. Not bad trouble. Good trouble."

"Bad trouble too," Phyllis said with a little shake of her head, holding easily to Sarah when she tried to get off the seat to investigate the small television. "He was a terror. And he always thought that he'd get away with it, so he used to get upset with us, with *us!*, for punishing him."

Joey grinned. "My mom's opinion of bad trouble and mine were kinda different."

Nick wanted to blurt out that he loved Joey's family -- just *loved* them -- but he bit his tongue and kept it in for a more appropriate time. "I used to get in trouble, too. But I'm sure I was never quite as creative about it as you were."

"Oh, I don't know. I can see you being quite the little terror yourself," she smiled at him. "Your mother and I should get together and compare war stories sometime." She turned to Joey. "Have you told him about burning down the house, yet?"

Nick laughed and nodded his head. "Well, *he* didn't," he acknowledged as Joey hid his face, "but oh yes, I heard. My own ... terrorness, never reached that level." He was grateful at how quickly the subject had moved on from his own mother -- that definitely wasn't the sort of thing anyone wanted to be hearing about before a *wedding*, of all things.

"It wasn't the whole *house*," Joey finally groaned, raising his face from his hands. "Good lord, the way you people tell it you'd think I was running around with a book of matches, lighting up the curtains and sprinkling gasoline around." He shook his head. "It was one little incident, and really, only the one room was burned. Singed. Slightly browned."

His mother frowned at him. "Joey, we moved the next year because of the water damage. Don't lie to your boyfriend, it isn't nice."

"I never heard *that* part," mused Nick, leaning in to kiss Joey's neck and again forcing himself to be unselfconscious about that tender but modest act. Despite how Steve might react. "Well, we all love you anyway."

"Speak for yourself," Steve snorted. "It was my room too, and the little bastard burned up all my sh-stuff." He glanced guiltily at his mother, who frowned at him. "He still hasn't apologized," Steve complained.

"Steve's just mad because he was hiding porn under his bed," Joey said, looking right at Nick.

"Joey!" "Joseph!" "I was NOT-"

"What's porn?" Sarah piped up clearly, looking from one face to the other. Joey hid his face again.

"It's funny magazines which he probably shouldn't have had," said Nick, smiling at Joey again in spite of the whole thing. "So, how much further to the church?"

"Too far," Phyllis muttered, and Joey laughed, and glanced out the window.

"Actually, we're only about two blocks away," he said, pulling his arm from Nick's shoulders and leaning for a clearer view. "Hey, there's the playground where I...never mind." He snickered.

"Story for another time," murmured Nick, trying to see anyway. "We have a chance. So Sarah, are you gonna be singing at the reception, too?"

"I can't sing," she sighed. "It's just not fair. Like, I open my mouth and all that comes out is little squeaks." She nodded firmly, though. "I'm gonna be an actress instead. Because if Joey's in movies, I can be in movies, because I'm way prettier." Joey howled, laughing.

"You're definitely prettier than Joey," he said, giving Joey a friendly elbow in the side. "And I'm sure you'd be a fantastic actress. Have you been in any plays at school or anything?"

"Yeah, we did a bunch of stuff, in my theater class, did I tell you I was in the theater class?" She leaned forward, totally intent, eyes wide on his face. "We do dialogues and stuff, and-" The limousine lurched to a stop, and she broke off as Phyllis took her hand to get her out.

Joey kissed him on the cheek, long and hard. "You're so good with her," he murmured. "She adores you. You're great with kids, baby, you really are. Now I really can't wait for you to meet Bri."

Nick felt warm, just hearing his say that. If Joey had said that first thing, he wouldn't have even had to cuddle him or rub his hands. "Just cause I can talk doesn't mean I'm good with diapers and bottles," he said softly. "But I can't wait anyway. Really."

"Not everybody can talk to kids," Joey said, as he swung open the door on their side and scrambled out ungracefully. "It's a good sign. And diapers and bottles, they're easy. Not always," he amended quickly at Nick's skeptical look, "but once you get the hang of it. You've got the vibe, you'll be fine. She'll love you."

"I've done the diapers and bottles thing," Nick reminded him. He was used to getting in and out of limos, and thought he didn't look like a total klutz when he did it. "Well. Kinda. I helped. I was a lot younger then. I'll ... do my best with her, Joey. I promise."

"I know you will," Joey said simply, and smiled, and took his hand as they walked into the church. It was big, was the first impression Nick had, and filled with people, all sitting in various states of attention as the ushers seated people in the pews. They were marched up to the very front, though Joey had to stop and wave at someone he knew every two feet or so.

Nick felt all his self-consciousness come rushing back at him the moment they passed through those doors. All these people, and he didn't know any of them, and he was holding hands with Joey Fatone. Junior. In front of Senior and what looked like all the world.

"This can't possibly all be family," he murmured.

"Um, just on the left," Joey answered quietly, waving again and grinning widely at a young woman with three children at her side. "Left is us, right is them. And some of us, because all of us wouldn't fit in the left. Oh, and there's some friends and stuff, too, of course." He tugged Nick forward gently.

Nick stumbled along with him, still feeling overwhelmed by this. It wasn't as though he had a small family himself, but that was just immediate family. His extended family was all but non-existent. "They're looking at us," he said, even though only some of them were. The rest were too busy controlling kids or looking at their watches or staring at someone else entirely.

"Some of 'em," Joey agreed, echoing his thoughts eerily. "You are, after all, a major international celebrity, Nick. Plus, you look really hot. I can't blame them, I'd be staring too." He grinned, and came to a stop by the second-to-last pew, where Nick could see Joe Sr. sitting with Janine and a couple of other people he recognized from the night before.

"And me in my black shoes," he murmured, adjusting his pants nervously. "Is this where we park our butts?" He really hoped so. He already felt so, so conspicuous. With or without Joey by his side, but mostly with. This was really public, and they were being really obvious with each other.

"Stop with the black shoes, you look fine," Joey murmured, herding him into the pew. "Yeah, this is us. Look. Hymnal, kneely-thing, rosary. Oh, the memories." He sat down, leaving space for Nick between him and his dad. "Hey papa," he said. "Found your tie, I see."

"Your mother found it." Joe Sr. fingered it uncomfortably. "I hate these things."

"Apparently that runs in the family," said Nick with a smile for both of them. He wanted to grab hold of Joey's hand again, in spite of the fact that what he was *nervous* about, more than anything right then, was the whole gay thing.

Joe sighed, and stopped fidgeting with it. "You two sleep okay? The screaming this morning didn't wake you up?" He shook his head. "There was something about a missing cake. I don't know. I hate weddings, they make women insane." He looked at them both seriously, but with a twinkle in his eye. "If you ever get married, swear to me now that you'll elope."

Nick blushed and immediately stared at his feet; he could hardly believe he'd just *asked* that. "I promise we'll never have a church wedding," he said, though, a moment later, because he thought he heard Joey trying to stifle laughter next to him.

Joey let go of the laughter at that, hooting unashamedly and slapping his knee. Joe Sr. grinned at them both. "No, pop," Joey finally calmed down enough to say. "I don't think we'd be eloping, since I like my ass intact, and you know what mom would do. However, I promise that if and when that day arrives, you won't have to wear a tie." He grinned at Nick, and took his hand, turning it so they were palm-to-palm, fingers laced.

Nick had to smile back, shyly, as always unable to resist. "I'm not wearing a tie either," he said firmly, after a moment. "And everyone can come, but we're doing it on a beach somewhere. *Barefoot*."

Joey arched an eyebrow at him, still grinning. "Barefoot? Okay, but I'm warning you, Busta bites toes." He laughed a little. "You won't have to convince me not to wear a tie. Ugh." His head tilted as he stretched his neck uncomfortably, then he jumped to his feet as his mother approached, letting her by to sit further in. "Mom, me an' Nick are getting married barefoot in Hawaii," he said solemnly, with a wink at Nick.

Nick's eyes shot open anyway and he gave Joey a mortified look. "Joey!" he choked out, his eyes shooting to Joey's mom and back again. "You ... you ... oh, just sit down."

"That's nice, dear," she said absently, patting Nick's cheek as she passed him, his knees tucked back out of the way. "Give me a date when you figure it out, I'll need a summer dress. Joe," she sat next to her husband and turned to him immediately, as Joey sat down again, still grinning. "Do you think the flowers are too pink for a winter wedding?"

Nick was still staring at Joey and he *knew* he had to be red. "Well," he murmured after a moment. "I guess one wedding is all they can process at a time, huh? Well ... that's good. I think we should probably concentrate on getting me sober, first."

"Probably," Joey agreed, "weddings being the traumatic and insanity-inducing things that they are." He slid their linked hands down between their legs, hidden from view. "I love you and I don't care who knows," he murmured, "and my family already knows. But I don't know about those folks over there on the right, so."

"Yeah," said Nick, looking down again, at his stupid black shoes. "This is probably better. And you know me ... having enough to deal with right now." He squeezed Joey's hand, though, and didn't pull away. "This is nice."

"It is," Joey said, still smiling softly, and now looking straight ahead. There were people milling around, and a bridesmaid dashed by in a truly hideous maroon dress. "I'm glad you're here. I know I've said that, like, a billion times already this weekend, but I am."

"Kinda hard to believe I'm *actually* here," admitted Nick, glancing around the church again and really noticing the other people this time. "After all the talking about it and working towards it. We're here."

"Yep. The Wedding." Joey put the capitals into it for his mother's benefit, but she wasn't paying attention. "Now, an hour of boredom, followed by a drive, a large meal, music, dancing, another meal, and then we're done. Don't let me forget to call Kel in there somewhere, okay? I hafta tell her we're staying an extra couple of days."

"Oh, right," said Nick, squeezing his hand again. "She'll be okay with that? And you won't miss your little girl too much?"

"I always miss her too much," Joey said softly. "But she'll be okay with it, Kel, I mean. She's a great mom, and she's wonderful about stuff like this, my nutso schedule and making sure I get lots of time with Bri when I am in town." He squeezed back lightly. "I've got her for a whole week next week, because Kelly's going on vacation to...Bermuda, maybe? Anyway, that'll be really cool."

"Oh, right," said Nick, vaguely remembering Joey saying something like that. He thought maybe he'd been in a lot of pain at the time. "No, that will be. for both of you. I'll ... well, I'll miss you."

"What?" Joey frowned a little, turning to look at him. "Where are you going? Are you going out of town too? You never said..."

"Well no," admitted Nick slowly. "But you'll be busy and I'll ... with the guys, sometimes, we're gonna be working on some new stuff and ... I just figured you'd want to be with her. Am I wrong?"

"Well, no, of course I want to be with her." Joey's forehead was still wrinkled in puzzlement. "But you can be there too. I mean, just because she's there doesn't mean you can't be there. I won't be going out or anything, so...I thought it might be kinda nice, just spending time in. With you, and her, and everything."

"Oh," said Nick softly. "I really didn't mean anything bad by it, Joey. I just figured ... I didn't know that you'd trust me with her right away. I mean, I think I remember us talking about it a little bit but ... I didn't know."

"Trust you?" Joey had gone from puzzled to startled. "Of course I trust you. I'd drop Brianna at your house for babysitting in a second. Well, once I'd gotten a chance to evaluate your diaper-changing skills. As it is, I just want you to come over. Hang out. Play guitar, study, whatever. You know, just spend time."

Nick felt himself brightening with each passing moment. "I think that sounds wonderful," he admitted. "And considering the kinds of conversations I think I'm gonna be having with the guys next week, I'm really gonna need with wind-down time. With you, so I don't ... you know. Find other ways to relax."

"Yeah. The Fatone Residence, South, for all your lounging, studying, and making-out needs." Joey grinned at him. "As long as you can overlook the diaper bag and the Teletubbies tapes, it's really quite a place. The door is always open to you, baby."

"I think I'm gonna love being there," said Nick, squeezing his hand discreetly. "And I'm gonna be so good to your girl, you just wait and see. You're never gonna want to let me go."

Joey looked at him inquisitively. "I already don't wanna ever let you go," he said simply, and smiled. "It'll be great to have you there," he went on. "The last time I had her for a whole week by myself, I ended up calling Justin and Chris to come over and relieve me in shifts. I don't know how Kel does it."

"Practice," I guess, said Nick without thinking. "All the time you spend on tour, she's probably had to do it a lot, learned to take care of things ... "

"Yeah," Joey looked down, voice quiet. "I know. I keep telling her...I can get someone in to help. It's not the same, she says. And I try to fly them out when I can, but it's so hard, when she's so little." His free hand moved restlessly. "I'd be there if I could."

"No, I'm sorry," said Nick quickly. "I didn't mean it like that, Joey. As far as I can tell, you're a wonderful, wonderful dad. And you're there with her whenever you can be. And hey ... you guys have me to help now, too, right?"

"I'm a wonderful dad who's only with his daughter a few months a year," Joey pointed out, then sighed. "Yeah, it'll be wonderful to have your help. Kinda like keeping it in the family, you know?" He squeezed Nick's hand. "If she looks at you the first time she says Daddy, though, I'm cutting off your visitation rights." His grin was back.

Nick grinned back, shyly. "Oh, she knows who her daddy is," he promised him, sure of that even though he'd never seen her, let alone seen them together. There was no way that Joey wasn't the great dad Nick thought he was. "I'll just be that weird guy that daddy sleeps with."

"I dunno," Joey shook his head, suddenly sober. "The last time I came back from tour, she was really tight with Kel's boyfriend. Like, she cried when I picked her up, but she thought he was the greatest thing ever. I seriously almost died. She remembered me, but still. Every time I have to go away, I'm so scared she'll forget me."

Nick wished he could do something more than just hold Joey's hand right then, but he'd taken Joey's concerns to heart along with his own, so he just squeezed again. "I'm sorry," he said softly. "I have no idea what that feels like but ... I'm sorry."

Joey shrugged uncomfortably, but squeezed his hand back. "Thanks," he said. "I don't know that there's anything I can even do about it. I can't quit my job, don't even want to, though I would if it was a serious problem. Mostly I'm just waiting for her to get older, so she can maybe come with us more. And we kinda have a long break planned after this tour, so that'll help."

"She knows you love her, Joey," he said confidently. "Kids pick up on that kind of thing. Even babies. If there's one thing they understand and remember, it's when someone loves them."

"I sure hope so." Joey brightened a bit. "Kelly watches all our shows, and points me out and tells her it's daddy, so that has to help some, right?"

"Oh yeah," said Nick, smiling encouragingly. "And especially when she starts getting older, too, and can see you better than baby eyes can. She watches that many of your shows, she's gonna be a heck of a little dancer. You know, once she masters the walking thing."

Joey groaned, smiling. "She's crawling good now, and man, I don't know if we're gonna survive walking. She's already so fast. The minute she gets her feet under her, I'm going to remind Justin of his promise to teach her how to dance and hand her over. Oh." He frowned, and pulled his cellphone out of his pocket, flipping it open and turning it on. He sighed. "Yep. Four new messages. From J. Good thing I turned this thing off."

"Put that away," said Nick, patting his hand. "We're at a wedding that's gonna start any moment. If it's only what it was before ... it can wait. Don't even worry about it."

Joey rolled his eyes at him, but turned the phone back off and stuffed it back into his pocket. "Yeah, look, the groomsmen are lining up," he pointed out. "An' people are sitting. Hey, if I snore, will you pinch me?"

"I'll do worse than pinch you," murmured Nick. "And just imagine what your *parents* will do." He clutched Joey's hand even harder, though, as he watched things together, still not quite believing he was *here*.

"They're used to it," Joey said softly, as the music started to play. "I'm not sure I made it through a single church service awake when I was a kid. It's like a conditioned response now." He smiled sideways at Nick. "Just remember. Pinch."

"Just imagine where I might pinch," mumbled Nick before falling silent and looking up the aisle for the bride. He knew enough to be respectful at weddings. He hadn't been to many, but when he'd been a them with his mom when he was a kid he'd learned how to behave.

"Nowhere you might need later," Joey whispered back wickedly, before being hushed sternly by his mother. The groomsmen came trooping down the aisle, looking solemn and formal in their tuxedos. Flashes flared as people started taking pictures, and Joey flinched almost imperceptibly against Nick.

"Makes a guy feel right at home," murmured Nick, very lowly, more conscious now about how he looked with Joey than concentrating on the wedding. But he didn't move away, just held Joey's hand in a death grip and stayed very motionless.

Joey's hand clutched his back, and he was still too, though he was still smiling. Nick wondered if it was so a picture wouldn't appear on the internet of "a miserable Joey Fatone at a family function," before he realized that any of these pictures would probably be more interesting because of his presence than anything else.

Phyllis leaned close to him, and whispered, startling him. "It's okay, honey. Sharon talked to her family, there won't be any pictures taken of you or Joey. It's all about the happy couple, today." She patted his arm.

Nick relaxed marginally, but he'd heard that before. And no matter how focused most people were going to be on the actual reason they were there, there were always a few that weren't. But there wasn't anything he could do about it, and even if there was, there was nothing he could do *now* that wouldn't just attract more attention.

He smiled, though, because he was trained to, and hoped they would make it through the day all right.

Joey relaxed a little when the groomsmen were all lined up by the altar, the priest standing there ready, and then the music changed. Sarah and a little girl that Nick didn't recognize came through with baskets of flowers, spreading the petals very carefully, adorable in their maroon and gold dresses. Joey squeezed his hand again, only this time when Nick looked he was smiling for real, soft and fond.

He certainly hadn't relaxed as much as Joey had, but that look really helped, made him feel all soft inside. He smiled back, though it wasn't as genuine. He still had his game face on.

"It's beautiful," he murmured, though, watching a hush fall across the whole church.

"Yep." Joey turned away from him then, peering up the aisle, then back. "Okay, here she comes. If you get a chance, look at my mom when she comes through," he whispered, earning him a stern look from the matron across the aisle. "Here comes the bride," Joey sang softly, and as smoothly as if it had been choreographed, everyone stood.

Nick did glance back at Joey's mom, but mostly he watched Joey. He may have joked about how weddings made the rest of his family crazy and emotional, no matter whose they were, but Joey didn't seem to be entirely exempt from the family trait.

He'd let go of Nick's hand as they stood, but now he took it back, even as he kept his eyes on the bride. She looked flushed and nervous and absolutely beautiful, and her eyes were fixed firmly on the groom, who waited, looking like *he* was about to faint. Her father looked proud. Joey sniffled a little.

Nick squeezed his hand gently, and visibly. Joey and his mother looked absolutely alike, right at that moment. "They're so in love," he murmured, the most appropriate thing he could think to say.

"They really are," Joey said softly, sniffling again when the bride reached the stairs, and kissed her father, then went to stand by her fiancee. "Oh, man, that's so good to see." He sighed as they sat again, and the priest began the ceremony. "Look how happy they are," he added quietly.

"I know just how they feel," he murmured, cringing a little at the "shhh" from behind them. He fell silent again but stayed in close contact with Joey, wanting to feel just a little of what the bride and groom had to be feeling right then.

Joey leaned into him, nodding a little at his comment, though he didn't say anything. Despite all his warnings, he never even fidgeted during the ceremony, though he was briefly distracted by a laughing baby in the row opposite them. And when the priest said "man and wife," he squeezed Nick's hand so hard Nick worried about his circulation.

Nick was feeling a little emotional by that point too, though. Maybe it was just the people around him affecting him, or maybe it was because he was finally with someone he was in love with, but the whole thing was hitting him about a hundred times harder than he thought it would. And he didn't even know these people.

He waited until the newly married couple was introduced to the congregation before leaning in and whispering, "I love you," in Joey's ear.

Joey shivered, shaking his head and looking down and smiling, before glancing back at Nick. His eyes were still a little wet, and he scrubbed at them briefly. "I love you too, Nick." There was no doubting the sincerity in his voice.

Nick wished he could hold him right then and there, and then decided to fuck it and did, letting go of Joey's hand to slide an arm around his waist. He was sure it would go unnoticed in the commotion around them, as every single person in the building was riveted on the bride and groom.

Joey grinned at him, and looped a very obvious arm around his shoulders, pulling him tight and close. "Mmm." He tilted his head until they were almost cheek-to-cheek. "Been wanting to do that for an hour. Actually, I've been wanting to kiss you, more, but that might be a little much." He leaned even closer. "Wanna go hide in the confessional with me?" His voice was almost shaking with laughter, under the whisper.

"Shhh," giggled Nick, resting his head against Joey's, but there were no shushes around them this time. "Later. The kissing, not the confessional."

Joey glanced around the church, and Nick followed his eyes, seeing everyone standing and chatting and blowing their noses and embracing. The bride and groom were long gone. "Hmmm. Wonder how long we're gonna have to stay here anyway. I don't even know where the reception's gonna be. Hopefully not too far. I never got my breakfast." He looked at Nick with big sad eyes.

Nick just grinned, though, still riding the high of the ceremony. "You told me yourself, there'll be tons of food. You'll be well taken care of. And ... *and* ... you should've just eaten when I did. Or when I was drinking, anyway. The milkshake. Not ... anything else."

"Well, if I'd had something to eat when you were drinking 'anything else,' I'd be one starved puppy by now," Joey pointed out. "Plus, you were distracting me with cuteness, and I forgot to ask my mom for food. I can't believe I forgot to ask my mom for food!" He shook his head, wondering, even as Phyllis broke off her quiet conversation with Joe Sr. to exclaim "The world must be ending!", grinning at Nick before turning away again.

"Thanks mom," Joey said sarcastically.

Nick flushed, wondering if she'd been listening to the whole conversation or had just caught that last bit. "We'll take care of that soon enough," he promised Joey, wondering when he'd become the reassuring one. "I'm feeling good. I like this feeling."

"Good. I like you liking that feeling." Joey dropped his arm from Nick's shoulders as people began to trickle out of the church, but he didn't move away from Nick's hold. "Food food food," he sang under his breath, watching people walk by and grinning at them. "Oh! Hey, Liz!" He reached out and grabbed the arm of the young woman Nick had seen him talking to earlier. "Nick, this is my second cousin Liz and her daughter Mary" he gestured at the little girl she was holding. "Liz, this is my boyfriend Nick."

Nick looked at Joey in surprise, then gave both Liz and Mary a practiced smile. "Hey, it's nice to meet you," he said, forcing himself not to let go of Joey. He didn't feel ready for this, still, but he had to be. And Joey looked so pleased to introduce them, he had to make an effort.

"Lovely to meet you, too." She gave him a gorgeous smile, then looked at Joey, harried. "Joey, can you take Mary, five minutes tops. I can't find Ben, I think he's hiding under the pews again."

"Of course." Joey scooped Mary out of her arms without another word. "Hey there, baby girl," he cooed, as she giggled and squirmed. "Come play with Uncle Joey."

"Thanks, Joe, you're an angel," and she was gone into the crowd.

Nick blinked a couple times -- it all happened so fast he wasn't even sure it *had*, until he really looked at the small child in Joey's arms. "Oh," he said quietly, then smiled again. "Well hey there."

She smiled at him, then hid her face in Joey's neck. Joey laughed and squeezed her and smacked kisses on her cheek until she resurfaced.

"She just turned two, didn't you, big girl?" She nodded at him and stuck her finger in her mouth. "Ep, nope, get that out." Joey pulled at her hand. "Dirty. Can you say hi to Nick?"

"Hewo," she said softly, and Joey beamed at her.

"Hey," said Nick again, grinning at joey and then at her, watching as her thumb snuck up towards her mouth. "That's a really pretty dress you're wearing, Mary. Is it new?"

She nodded hard, almost toppling out of Joey's arms as she reached for one of Nick's earrings with her free hand. "Sparkly like mama," she announced, missing his ear and getting his cheek instead.

"Whoa, hey." Joey righted her with a practiced hand. "Easy there, you little flirt."

"Getdown," she demanded, squirming hard, and Joey rolled his eyes.

"Nope. Maybe you'd like to go see Nick, though? But no touching the sparkles, they're for looking only." Joey lifted a questioning eyebrown at Nick. "Wanna take her for a second?"

Nick nodded, almost regretting it when the first thing she reached for when Joey handed her over was his glasses. "No, not those either," he said with a little laugh, hoisting her into a more comfortable and convenient position pretty naturally. "I need those to see your pretty dress with."

"Pwetty, mama said for the turch." She was looking at him very seriously, so Nick nodded. Joey looked delighted, his grin stretching pretty much from ear to ear. "Mama said," she echoed herself, and popped her thumb into her mouth with a happy smacking sound, grinning at him around it.

Nick almost stopped her, then decided not to. "It's a very good dress for church," he agreed with her. "I dressed up too. See? This is a brand new suit, just for today." He glanced up at Joey and gave him a little wink before looking down at Mary again. "It's a pretty special day, after all."

She wrinkled her nose at him, then made another grab for his earring, folding her chubby hand around his whole ear and pulling. "Pwetty!" she crowed, even as Joey snorted laughter and tried to reach around Nick to pull her hand away.

Nick just laughed, though. It didn't hurt, and she was just precious. And at least now that she had both hands occupied -- one at her mouth and one around his ear -- he could get a better grip on her. "Well, that's two people in your family who think I'm pretty, Joey. I think I'm gonna like it here."

Joey grinned at them, lounging back against the side of the pew as Nick showed no sign of needing any help. "You've got a bunch more than that. Sarah and Janine and my mom, you know. Not to mention me. We're practically a Nick Carter fanclub, around here." He eyed Mary, who was babbling softly to herself and reaching for Nick's hair, now. "And we start 'em young."

"Yeah, I see that," said Nick, still smiling at Mary. It was hard to feel bad with a beautiful baby girl in your arms. "No, no, you don't want my hair, babygirl, your hair is already much, much prettier than mine."

"Fibber," Joey whispered, eyes sparkling warmly. He looked relaxed and content, and just giggled a little when Mary pulled at Nick's hair a little, then, distracted, tried to turn in his arms.

"Mama?" She questioned.

Nick held onto her firmly so she wouldn't fall. "Mama will be right back," he promised her, nuzzling her hair for a moment and rocking back and forth casually. Then he reached around and tugged her dress down a little so she stopped showing off her panties to the whole church. "You wanna hear a story while we wait?"

Her eyes snapped right back to him, and she put her thumb back in her mouth and nodded. "Story," she said firmly, and surprisingly clearly, considering what she was talking around.

Joey was making strangled little noises, and when Nick looked over at him, his hand was over his mouth and his eyes were soft and smiling. He looked a little melted, actually.

"Story!" Mary demanded, much more loudly. "Mama?" She added, lip trembling dangerously.

Nick almost laughed, realizing her manipulation was in full force. They must've taught the Fatone kids *that* early, too. "Okay, story," he agreed, looking up briefly to give Joey a smile. "Do you like fairy tales? Cause I know this one story about this princess named Mary, just like you ... "

"Fairy princess?" Mary looked interested. "Wif wings? Anna shiny wand? Wif sparkleys?"

"You shoulda named the princess JC," Joey muttered, but shut up and looked attentive when Nick shot him a reproving glare.

"Oh, absolutely," said Nick solemnly, looking into her big brown eyes. "She had beautiful wings and a very, very special wand and there were even sparkleys in the air around her, she loved them so much. And she was the prettiest fairy in the whole kingdom and everybody loved her."

"Yeth," she agreed around her thumb. "An she hadda pony."

"Good god, what is it with the ponies and this family? We're New Yorkers, we're supposed to regard all animals with fear and distrust," Joey grumbled, though his voice was still so soft Nick could barely hear him. When Phyllis came to stand beside him quietly, he pulled her into a hug, propping his chin on her head, though he kept watching Nick and Mary, who was now absolutely riveted on him.

"And she had a pony," agreed Nick, still rocking back and forth very slowly and smoothly. "And *actually*, she was out riding her pony in the forest one day and they wandered of the path to look at some pretty flowers and then she realized she was *lost*. 'Oh no,' she said. 'What am I going to do?' And then she heard a voice from below her say. 'I'll help you' and when she looked down she saw that it was a big, green frog who was talking to her."

"Oh!" Mary clapped her hands together sloppily. "Fwog! A big one all slimy an' stuff." She stopped clapping. "Is the princess scared?"

Nick saw Joey bring a hushing finger to his mouth, looking past Nick, and he turned his head a little. Mary's mother was sitting behind him, a sleeping small boy in her lap, watching them fondly.

He blushed a little bit, but Mary was still looking at him expectantly with big, big eyes so he went on with his story.

"Well, the princess didn't *have* to be scared," he told her, "because everyone loved her, even all the animals. So she followed the big frog, hoping he would lead her back to the path, but instead he led her to the river and leapt in. 'All you have to do,' he told her, 'is go down the river until you get to the edge of the forest, and then you won't be lost anymore.' And then he swam away but the fairy princess Mary couldn't follow him, because she didn't know how to swim. 'Oh no,' she said. 'What am I going to do?'"

Mary looked at Nick all worried, popping her thumb into her mouth again, and he gave her a little smile. "'I'll help you,' came a voice from above her," he said, "and when Mary looked up she saw a big eagle flying above her. 'All you have to do is come up here and you can see the edge of the forest, it's easy.' And then he flew away but the fairy princess Mary coudln't follow him, because she didn't know how to fly. 'Oh no,' she said. 'What am I going to do?'"

If anything, Mary's eyes just got wider as Nick went on. "'I'll help you,' came a voice from behind her, and she she turned around her mama was there, sitting on her own pony, who had come to find her. 'All you have to do is follow me, because I'll always be there for you.' And so Mary's mother took her home and they lived happily ever after. The end."

Mary smiled at him. "Her *mama!*" she said happily. "Her mama hadda pony *too!*"

"She sure did." Mary's real mother had apparently anticipated the end of the story, and was now standing at Nick's shoulder. Mary flung herself out of Nick's arms with a squeal, making him gasp, but her mother caught her handily.

"Thank you," she said, smiling at Nick as Mary burrowed into her shoulder. "That was wonderful. You're so good with her...I don't suppose you're available for regular babysitting?"

Nick gave her a shy smile. "It's a bit of a commute from Orlando," he admitted, straightening his suit from where Mary had been clutching at it. "I'll just have to visit sometimes. She's an angel, really."

"She's not, really," Joey murmured in his ear, letting go of his mother, who was now cooing over the newly-awake Ben, and leaning close. "She just loves you."

"Well, you're welcome to visit any time." She gave him another smile, then one to Joey. "Phyllis, I don't suppose you could help me get them to the car? We definitely need a naptime before the reception, or these little 'angels' will destroy the place."

As they moved away, Joey pressed his mouth quickly to the back of Nick's neck, before pulling away. "All of a sudden I miss Brianna even more," he admitted softly.

Nick turned to face him, for maybe the first time really understanding a tiny bit of that. "Oh, Joey," he said softly, reaching for him. "Just remember ... all next week. You'll see her again soon."

"Yeah." Joey smiled at him, letting himself be hugged. "Soon. And all next week. And I wanna see you tell her a story, too. Though she's a little young, it won't be quite as interactive." He breathed into Nick's hair. "You're gonna make a great daddy someday, if you want to be. The best."

"Well, unless you plan to carry my child," murmured Nick, kissing his neck briefly before letting go, "that's not gonna be happening. But I promise to be good to your little girl, Joey. I'll do the best I can."

"Hey, look at Bri," Joey shrugged. "Never say never." He smiled again as Nick pulled away, leaving a broad, warm palm on the small of Nick's back. "Your best is pretty amazing, judging by that little demonstration. And not a shake out of you the whole time, and she isn't really light. Feeling better?"

Nick nodded slightly. "You can't shake when you're holding a baby," he said simply. "You just ... can't, no matter what. And ... I mean, even if I wasn't gay ... " He paused and pressed against Joey again for a moment, just for the comfort. "You know how they say that you'll usually be the kind of parent that your own parents were? Well. Yeah. That kinda kills the idea right there."

"That's not really true, baby," Joey said softly, moving his hand in gentle circles. "Might make it harder, you might have to be careful about falling into familiar patterns, but you can make up your mind to be a good parent. All it really takes is a lot of love, and you've got that in spades. I mean, watching you with Mary..." Joey shook his head. "You can't tell me anything that would make me believe you'd be a bad dad."

"I guess I just don't know," admitted Nick, looking towards the door where Mary and her mother had disappeared. "I haven't let myself think about it much. I mean, I love kids, but ... I just don't know. I can't bear the thought of not being good enough."

"It's a scary thing," Joey agreed. "Lotta responsibility. I had a nine-month-long panic attack, myself, before Bri was born. After, I was pretty much too tired and busy to think about it, but it's still really scary." He nudged Nick a little, moving him out into the aisle. "You can play with her as much as you want. Get your fix that way. Plus, you're still young. Baby." He grinned as he tugged Nick up the aisle, moving for the door.

"I'm not young," murmured Nick, really, really meaning that. "I don't think I've been young in a long time now. That's not ... you have an amazing, loving family, Joey. I don't even know if you can understand."

"I just meant that you have a lot of time, to think about things like kids," Joey said gently. "And believe me, I know how lucky I am, and that I can't understand deep down how you feel. But I *do* know that you're a sweet guy, who would love his hypothetical kids to pieces. I mean, you just about fell in love with Mary, don't think I didn't notice, and she's not even related to you."

Nick smiled faintly and reached for Joey's hand. "She was a little angel," he admitted. "I bet I was kinda like that, when I was that little. I was always a curious kid back then. And sucked my thumb. But I never had hair like that."

"What, black curls?" Joey smiled. "No, that would be quite a switch for you, unless you're a lot less a natural blond than I thought." He squeezed Nick's hand. "I bet you were just as cute, though. Bet you looked a lot like Aaron did. Remember that show in 97, we did? When Aaron was like six? I don't think he got off my shoulders once that whole night."

"By the time I was six I was shyer," admitted Nick, but his smile grew anyway, thinking of his brother. "But I *looked* a lot like him, yeah. Skinny and blond and all smiles." He paused a moment and turned that smile on Joey. *You're* the one who's great with kids, Joey."

"Lance says it's because I'm actually five years old," Joey said solemnly, then ruined it by laughing. "No, I don't know about that, I think it's just practice and exposure, more than anything. And anyway, Mary thought you were the greatest thing since the invention of the sippy cup." He sighed happily. "I'm so glad you're good with kids, like you are. Would've made it rough, otherwise."

"What, you mean with your baby?" said Nick, his smile fading a little. More than a little, really. "Yeah. Okay. I can understand that. And ... if Brianna doesn't like me ... you just do with you have to. And I promise I'll won't make it hard for you."

Joey came to an abrupt halt in the middle of the aisle, bringing Nick up short with their linked hands. "Huh?" He blinked, looking utterly confused. "What the fuck...ack, no swearing in church!" He whacked himself in the head, then went back to staring at Nick. "What are you talking about? For one thing, she's gonna love you. For another thing, all I meant was, you love kids, I love kids, cool, something else in common. And I'm *not* gonna...'do what I have to.'"

"It's okay," said Nick softly. "I understand, Joey. That girl is everything to you. If she doesn't like me -- and she might not, you know -- then ... I'll just ... go quietly, or whatever. Just don't make promises you can't keep, okay? It could happen."

"Jesus," Joey sounded horrified, then smacked himself again. "You're not...a sick dog, or something, that I'm gonna take out back and let 'go quietly.' There's no reason in the world why she wouldn't like you. She's got great taste, my girl. If, by some strange cosmic quirk, she's allergic to your...your skin, or something, and can't even be around you, well...I'll just have to spend a lot of time over your place, is all. She *is* everything to me. That doesn't mean you're not important."

"We should probably get out of here before you hurt yourself," Nick murmured, no more convinced about the outcome of this than he had been a couple minutes ago. He should have been thinking about this all along, but he guessed he'd had other things on his mind. "Thank you," he added. "For everything. For making me better. I promise I won't be a burden on your much longer."

Joey just stared at him, mouth open, for a long moment, then turned and marched determinedly out the door of the chapel, towing Nick behind him. He scanned the large foyer quickly, then turned left and pushed through an unmarked door, kicking it shut behind them. Nick almost tripped on the mop and bucket before Joey pulled the chain on the naked light bulb, then turned and cupped Nick's face in his hands, looking very, very serious.

"You are not a burden," he said, his first words in a while. "You're special, and I love you, and I will no matter what happens with Bri, or your family, or the band, or whatever. I can't tell if this is a mood swing or not, but either way, you need to know that." He leaned in and kissed Nick, almost too hard, nipping at his mouth until Nick opened for his tongue.

Nick kissed him back, even as he felt tears spill over his eyelids and stream down his cheeks. He closed his eyes to try and hold them back. "I know you will," he whispered, when Joey let him. "But that doesn't mean you should."

"Shhh," Joey said gently. "Tears, baby?" He kissed him again, much more softly, hands still holding Nick's head still. "There's no 'should,' here," he continued finally, drawing back with what looked like extreme reluctance. "It's just the way it is."

Nick sniffled and lifted his glasses so he could scrub at his eyes. "But ... " he began helplessly, humiliating tears still flowing. "Joey ... Joey ... every time I think i really want something ... like, *really* want it ... there's this voice inside of me and it keeps saying I'm not good enough. I shouldn't have it. I shouldn't even bother wanting it ... "

Joey plucked the glasses out of his hand, folding them neatly and shoving them in his pocket, then gently brushed his eyes closed and kissed them, which only made Nick cry harder. "You deserve good things, Nicky," Joey said, voice still low and almost shaking with sincerity. "That voice, it's telling you wrong things that're hurting you. You need to stop listening to it. Believe me instead. You and me, we're gonna work out. And I'm taking you home to meet my baby girl, who's gonna love you almost as much as I do, and you're gonna get better every day."

"Well, you already worked miracles with your parents," said Nick shakily, sniffling again and hoping that every single person outside the door wasn't listening to them. Or assuming they were doing something else entirely. "It's hard to just stop believing the bad things, Joey. Even ... even in the face of so much evidence trying to prove them wrong."

"*You* worked miracles with my parents. Only, you didn't even have to, because they liked you so much anyway," Joey reminded him. "It's hard to change the way you think, I know. But if you can tell yourself that the bad things are wrong, even if you don't believe it at first...well, I think that'll help. Or I can tell you they're wrong. I have no problem with that." He dug into his pocket and handed Nick a little packet of tissues. "That evidence is just gonna keep piling up, until even a stubborn thing like you has to cave."

Nick blew his nose noisily, then looked at Joey and tried to force him to come into focus. "It's not like i'm not trying," he said weakly. "Sometimes it's so easy. Like when I had Mary in my arms and for a few minutes, the world was perfect. And the rest of the time ... it's so hard. So *fucking* hard." He suddenly patted his pockets down, searchingly. "I ... I need your phone."