AJ chewed his lip as he reached out and slid the glasses down Nick's nose and off his face. The world blurred into soft edges and vague impressions, and Nick sighed. "How're the muscle aches?" AJ's hand touched his forehead, his cheek, like he was testing temperature. "Better at all? And your stomach?"

"Muscles better," he had to admit. The warm water was good for that. "Stomach ... settled, more or less. Head ... well, head feels like it might explode." He sighed and closed his eyes for a couple seconds. "But I'm getting used to that."

AJ smacked his own head with a palm. "Right! I forgot we were going to double doses on the advil. Your liver might scream, but I figure since you'll be giving it a much-deserved rest soon, it can take a little more abuse." He rummaged in the medicine cabinet, and handed two little brown pills to Nick. "That'll pass in a day or two, I hope."

"God. I hope," said Nick, taking the pills a little too eagerly. "You're right, you know ... the plane ride is going to be hell. And Joey's mom -- Joey's whole *family* -- is gonna peg me for a lousy drunk." He sighed. "Tell me why i'm doing this again?"

"You can tell 'em you have the flu." AJ resettled on the edge of the tub, looking at him absently, and Nick suddenly remembered that he was really awfully naked. They were used to seeing each other changing, but not bathing. "Joey'll make sure they know the score, I bet. And yeah, that plane ride won't be fun at all. You should maybe try to sleep through it." He grinned. "Tell you why you're doing what? Going to New York? I have no idea. Is he really that good in the sack?"

"Yes," answered Nick automatically with a shy grin. "But that's not why. I'll ... I'll have to be honest with them. It's no way to start if I don't. And ... I really want them to like me. He's ... I really like him, AJ. More than I remember liking anyone I was with, before. You think i could've done this on my own? Would've realized that I was in this bad of shape?" He looked towards AJ's blurry shape. "Yeah, I'm admitting it now. I'm seriously in a bad way, AJ. Just ... seriously."

"You're getting better every minute," AJ said stubbornly. "You *were* in a bad way, and now you're not, so much. But if he helped you figure it out, I'll buy the guy a fucking pony." He paused, and even without his glasses, Nick could tell he was gnawing on his lip. "So, you, like. You're really into him, aren't you? I mean, I got that, but it's just...taking a while to sink in. I mean, I knew you were into guys and all, but this is just...thinking of you with an actual real guy is a little strange."

"And I bet thinking of me with an actual real guy *you know* isn't helping much either, is it," Nick added quietly. He'd been waiting for that. "I'm really into him, AJ. This is ... is definitely something that's gonna be around for a while. I promise not to tell you about the sex if that makes it any easier, though ... "

"Eh." AJ shook his head. "I said you could come to me with anything, and I meant it. You need to go all squishy over his blowjob technique or something, I don't care. It's just...Joey Fatone, man. With you. My thinking's getting all rearranged." He sighed. "I'll get over it. Anyway, who's he told? Are his boys in on this? What do they think about it all?"

"JC's thrilled. Lance doesn't want us to get caught. The other two? I don't know." He suddenly wished he could read AJ's expressions better, so he could see just what AJ's level of comfort was. "He is gonna tell them, though. Just like ... just like I need to tell Brian and Howie and Kevin, too. Just ... not until after this weekend. I think maybe all of us need to have a big talk after this weekend."

"Yeah, that'll be a trip and a half." AJ's laugh was dry. "I've got your back, though, even if Kevin goes down with a coronary. Howie already knows, or suspects, if that makes it any easier." His hand moved; Nick couldn't tell if he was wiping away sweat or rubbing his face. "Could be worse, I guess. You could be dating Ashley Angel or something. At least Joey's pretty cool."

"Suspects what part, exactly ... ?" asked Nick, slipping further into the water again. It was so cold outside of it, and even the water was starting to cool off a little. "I know it's gonna be a big deal. That's why it's gonna wait until ... until I'm in some kind of shape to deal with it. I think this weekend's gonna be pretty big, for that. Staying sober, being with Joey, letting people see us together -- just his family, don't worry -- it's gonna be a big deal."

"You've got goosebumps." This time Nick didn't need to see, he could hear the frown. "More hot water?" He started the tap without waiting for a response, and Nick felt fresh hot water wash over his toes. "Howie suspects about you and Joey. And the going-sober thing. Don't think that just because he's shy, D's stupid. He sees a lot more than he lets on." He turned the tap back off. "It sounds like this weekend's gonna be a really big deal. You sure you're up to it?"

"No," admitted Nick, wiggling his toes happily in the warm water. "but it's not like I can reschedule Joey's cousin's wedding for my own convenience. So ... yeah." He watched AJ again, watched the way he moved since he couldn't see his face very well. "I should've guessed Howie knew, after the other night. You've talked to him?"

"Yeah." AJ had been a fidgeter since he'd gone sober, and he was flicking his thumb against the side of the tub. "He's pretty worried about you, since that night y'all were at the Timberlake Foundation thing. He's been calling me, since you aren't answering your phone." He leaned closer, and Nick caught a glimpse of a smile. "Joey's cousin's wedding? Jesus. Doesn't he have like two thousand relatives?"

"So he warns me," admitted Nick. "And he's already out to all of them. So there's gonna be no mistaking that I'm the boyfriend." He bit his lip, *really* unsure that he was gonna be ready to deal with that, but at the same time it was really exciting. To be able to be with a guy -- be with Joey -- and not have to be paranoid about hiding. "You'll tell Howie I'm doing all right? I mean, if you think I am?"

"He's out to everyone?" AJ's hand swished through the water again, and he turned the hot water on. "Damn, that's...really something. Good for him. And I'll tell Howie you're doing freakin' GREAT. I think it would be good if you told him, though. Brian too. He's got some art books for you, he's been wanting to bring 'em over." He tested the water again. "Getting warm?"

"A little," said Nick honestly. "I'm not uncomfortable ... 'cept the head. And that never really goes away." He trailed his own fingers through the water -- from beneath the surface, not above, though. "I will tell them both. Just next week. Do you think I should do it with everyone there, or kinda do this one on one?"

"It depends on whether you'd rather do it heart-to-heart, or with some backup," AJ shrugged. "It's not like they don't already know you're gay. Brian probably won't care, but Kevin...you might want to have some support there for that one. Not that he'll hate you or anything, but you know how he feels about N Sync."

"I just ... am not sure I can deal with going through the whole thing three times, you know? Cause there's a lot of stuff to get through ... and I guess probably some group stuff to figure out, too. Kevin and Joey ... they get on okay, though, right? I mean, it's not like it's *Lance* or something."

AJ laughed. "Yeah, good thing he's not Lance, though, remember, Kev almost decked Joey at that United We Stand thing. I still can't figure out what he said." He snickered again. "You can do it all at once. It might be better. Like when I told y'all I was going to rehab, you know? I mean, at least when you punched the wall Brian was there to put ice on your hand."

"Nobody's gonna punch a wall this time, though," said Nick, as firmly as he could. "I'm just, you know, detoxing and, oh yeah, I have a steady boyfriend now and he's in Nsync." He sighed and closed his eyes. "Yeah, okay, we'll keep some ice on hand for Kevin. Specially when he realizes that Joey's pretty out and he can't sweep it under the rug."

"Well..." AJ trailed off. "Yeah, ice might be a good idea. Though really the detoxing news is a good balance for the dating-Joey news, in the grand scheme of things. You might just paralyze him. He'll sit there and drool, immobile." AJ grinned at him. "Just how out *is* Joey? I mean, sounds like his family knows, but I haven't seen anything in the news, he's not in any magazines or anything. He's not *out* out."

"As out as he can be without issuing a press release, just about, sounds like," said Nick. The water was keeping him nicely warm now, like it had finally penatrated his whole body. "He figured I already knew, actually, before he even said. And *you* knew already. i guess there are some things ... you can be as open as you want to, and some people just don't want to see it. Don't want to believe it. Plus ... with Brianna ... "

"Oh, right, the kid." AJ nodded. "What's up with that, anyway? Last I heard, he and that chick were planning a wedding or something, just about. I'm guessing that's spin. Is it even his kid?" Now he was twisting the hem of his tank top around one finger.

"Yeah, Joey's the proud papa," Nick assured him. "It's ... an arrangement, I guess. He wanted a kid ... but his mom especially wanted grandkids. So he gave her one. She's cool with him being into guys, she just didn't want to miss out on the big family thing. Or that's how I understand it anyway. It's probably lots more complicated than that."

"Whoa. Fucked up!" AJ seemed admiring, though, and Nick shook his head with a smile. "He just...gave his mom a kid. Just like that. Be careful what you ask for around this guy, Nicky. His definition of sanity and ours might just be a little different." He was close enough for Nick to see the exaggerated expression of horror cross his fingers. "And I don't care *how* big a family he wants, don't you go letting him talk you into carrying the next one. You'd look like a freak in a maternity dress."

"No, if he wants a kid out of me, he'll be carrying it himself." For the first time, though, it occurred to Nick that being with Joey meant having a little kid -- a little *baby* -- in his life. Someone he might be helping to take care of. And just as suddenly, getting sober got a little bit easier. A little bit more important. "He loves her so much, though. You should hear him talk about her. Huh. You probably will when he gets here, actually."

"Oh boy. Baby talk." AJ sighed, but Nick could tell that he didn't really mind. "Somehow, I can see him as a dad. He's got that vibe. Should be interesting for you, too, having a kid around all the time. I'm guessing that's part of the reason he wants you sober?" AJ snickered suddenly. "And I just got a visual of Joey pregnant. Whoa."

"I think he just wants me sober because he wants me sober," said Nick, hoping he was right about that. "Like .. he wants *me*, not drunk me. I think. I hope." He shivered involuntarily and hoped AJ didn't notice; it would just worry him. "He likes my paintings. He says he's looking forward to watching me *studying*. He *is* a freak." Nick grinned, though. "Just like me."

"I understand why he likes your paintings, but he wants to watch you study?" AJ sounded baffled. "Why? I mean, cute and all, but it's not exactly fascinating stuff, seeing you chew a pencil and make notes." He shrugged. "But whatever floats his boat. I can't blame him for liking you better sober. You tend to get a little...belligerent, no offence, when you've been drinking."

Nick let his smile face and just nodded. "Yeah," he said softly. "Don't know how I ever got his attention, but I'm glad I did. I -- " He shivered again; this time the water splashed up. "I think it's time I got out. So cold ... "

"Aw, shit." Despite his shivers, AJ's hand felt cool on his face. "You're actually really warm, Nick. I'd say fever, but you've been sitting in hot water for half an hour. Come on, hop out, dry off. I'll get you some clean clothes, you want to relocate to the couch? And point me at your stash, man. Let's get some food into you, ASAP."

"Underwear drawer," said Nick, smiling faintly. "Yeah, I know, it's totally after school special. But it works." He pushed himself up to his feet and found that it was actually easier to stand, even walk, now that his muscles weren't so tight, even though he was shivering like crazy once the air hit him.

"Whups. Easy." AJ's hand clamped around his arm as he wavered. "Careful stepping out. How much would it suck if you broke your neck in the bathtub just as you were getting your life back on track." AJ eased him out of the tub. "The underwear drawer? That's almost as good an idea as leaving a key under the welcome mat." He wrapped a big, soft towel around Nick and started rubbing briskly. "You ok to stand here while I get your stuff?"

"Yeah, I'm pretty steady, actually," said Nick through chattering teeth. "And hey, it's not as if I'm worry about my mom -- about *any*one -- finding the stuff. It's my own house." He clutched the towel around himself with shaky hands and waited impatiently for AJ to come back. Steady as he was, it was no treat to be just standing there.

AJ was scowling as he came back, looking at Nick. "OK, found it. Did you forget about the flask in there, too, or is that something I wasn't supposed to see?" Despite his expression, he started rubbing over the towel around Nick's shoulders again, clearly trying to help the shivers. "You're shaking like a leaf. Fuck. Come on, let's get you dressed. This is freaking me out."

"Really, I've felt a lot worse than this," Nick assured him, though the shaking was really starting to get to him, too. He chewed on his lip as he was rubbed down. "I didn't forget," he confessed finally. "I just forgot it was in the same drawer. Is it still there?"

"Yeah, but I can hear your fucking *teeth* knocking together, and you just came out of really hot water. That's not good." AJ kept rubbing. "Yeah, there's a flask in there, with the weed. I didn't touch it. It's your call what to do with it, but I'm gonna tell Joey it's there, okay? I think he needs to know."

Nick just nodded again, slightly; he'd known AJ would do that, and knew that he should be the one to do it before AJ had to. "I'll deal with it when Joey's here. For now let's just both forget it's there ... or something." As if they could. "I think I'm dry now."

"Dry but not warm." AJ swiped the towel up over his hair briefly, rubbing at the wet strands on the back of his neck, almost on tiptoes. Nick couldn't even laugh at the sight. "Come on, big guy, into the bedroom. Tell me where you keep your sweats. Unless you have more pyjamas to wear?" His voice was silky and amused. "Space Invaders, maybe? Pong?"

"You leave my Speed Racer PJs out of this," said Nick, smiling again and taking a couple of tentative steps. "An improvement," he pronounced aloud, though AJ could obviously see that. "Check my dresser -- I'm not sure what's clean anymore. I think I've gone through at least 3 pairs since yesterday ... "

"The bath's a great thing," AJ pronounced, like it was the wisdom of the ages, even though he padded carefully along beside Nick, always in arm's reach. "Don't go running any marathons, though. I'll throw some laundry in when you're all settled. Is your mouth dry?" He broke away for the dresser when Nick reached the bed and sank down, so tired.

"Made it," he murmured to himself, though, even though his muscles were screaming at him for the abuse. He flicked out his tongue and licked his lips searchingly. "Yeah, kinda," he said. "But it has been all along."

"Dehydrated." AJ nodded. "Still. No wonder you're so weak, and it ain't helping the moodswings, either." Nick rolled his eyes silently; AJ wasn't telling him anything he didn't already know. "Here you go." The sweatpants and shirt landed on the bed next to him, and the baggie fluttered down next to it. "You got a pipe? I don't really feel like rolling, and you're way too shaky."

"It wasn't in there?" asked Nick, staring at the baggie and then squinting at the dresser in the distance. "I do, but ... if it's not there I ain't going looking." He let the towel from from his body onto the bed -- it was a little too late to start worrying about nakedness -- and reached for the sweatpants.

AJ sighed. "Nicky, look, if you don't want to smoke, you don't have to smoke. It's just an idea, something that'll maybe help you feel better. Where would the pipe be? Because unless it's under your flask, it's not in that drawer." AJ watched him pull on the pants, as he shivered at the soft, nubbly cotton sliding over sensitive skin. "Either that, or I can just roll for you. Whatever."

"I kinda *don't* want to," admitted Nick, frowning at the way the sweatpants barely hung off his hips when he stood up. "but I think it's a better idea than not doing it, so i will. I just ... want to feel better. I'm getting used to it, but that doesn't mean i don't still want to start throwing things" He reached for the shirt, steadying himself with one hand on the bed. "It might be in the guest room, from the last time i had a party. Actually, I think it is."

"How's your stomach?" AJ disappeared into the bathroom, and returned carrying his glasses. "Do you think you could keep some soup down, without it? Making you feel better's really only the secondary goal, here. We've *got* to get some food and water into you, and it's gotta stay. Stay down, for god's sake. You're about to fall over." AJ frowned as he handed him his glasses, and skated a palm down his side casually. "Ribs. Not good."

Nick pulled the shirt over his head then slipped the glasses on with dexterity that probably surprised him even more than it surprised AJ. He didn't want to feel down his side, didn't want to see what had put that frown on AJ's face.

"I don't think anything's gonna stay down without it," he admitted with a sigh. "Not today, anyway. And the way you and Joey are talking, you make it sound like I don't *have* until tomorrow." His knees started to buckle under him and he sat down heavily on the bed again.

"If you don't stop shaking soon, I think between me and Joe we're gonna drag you to a hospital for an IV," AJ admitted honestly. "Not to mention the fact that tomorrow's not going to be that much better than today, unless you have some miraculous recovery. Traveling's hard enough when you're feeling right, much less when you're starving and detoxing and dehydrated. If you want to go, you're gonna have to eat. It's ok, we'll start out slow, and if you're not feeling it, we'll stop and I'll just move in here with you for the weekend." He went to the door. "Which guest room?"

"My library," clarified Nick with a heavy sigh. "with the big TV and all the porn DVD's lying around. It's probably there. I still haven't cleaned up." When AJ left the room Nick rested his head in his hands and struggled not to break down right then and there. The whole situation just seemed so hopeless again. So fucking overwhelming. Just too much.

"Dude." AJ's voice floated down the hall. "I have never seen this much porn in my life." Nick heard a bang, a clatter, and a "FUCK!", and then AJ trailed back into the room, holding a small glass pipe. "Your entertainment center tried to kill me," he said solemnly, before moving quickly to Nick's side. "Nicky, kid, you okay?"

"I'm not sure how to answer that question anymore," admitted Nick, looking up again. "And don't forget, you *gave* me half that porn. The straight stuff anyway. So don't you go giving me shit about it ... "

"Don't blame me," AJ laughed, chucking him on the chin. "Your collection has definitely grown way past my small contribution. And I bought you "Men Down Under" when you told us about that dude, so it's not like I'm giving you porn you don't like." He smiled at Nick. "As long as you're still thinking, still hanging in, you can say you're okay."

Nick smiled, more to himself than to AJ, at the memory. "I watched that one many, many times," he confessed to him. "It was my first. Um. Of many. So." He finally looked at what AJ had brought with him. "Yeah. I'm okay."

"Good." AJ picked up the baggie, took out a pinch of green, and packed it into the bowl. "I'm glad you got some use out of that one. I figured if nothing else you could treat it like a how-to video." He slipped a silver Zippo out of his pocket, and handed it to Nick, along with the bowl. "There you go. Oh, wait, let's get to the couch first."

"By the time I got the video, I already pretty much knew how to," said Nick, taking the stuff from AJ with shaky -- but *less* shaky -- hands. "Although ... I think there's some stuff on it I *still* don't know how to." He got to his feet and stood up straight, letting AJ take his elbow.

"You know I'm dying to ask," AJ grinned, "but I won't. I've seen that one, and it's comforting to know there's shit on there you haven't done." He led the way out the door, walking slowly, shoulder right there under Nick's hand when he got dizzy for a second and wavered. "Aw, shit, stairs. You ever think of getting a one-floor house, Nick? And where's your musclebound boyfriend when we need him?"

"Taking care of his little baby girl," said Nick with a sweet smile. "I'll be okay on the stairs. Just don't let me fall, okay? I got up here all right after all. Of course ... that was a while ago." He took the first couple very carefully. "You watched it? why on earth did you watch it?"

AJ slid a hand under his arm, offering support. "I had to make sure it wasn't too...you know. I mean, you'd just admitted you were gay, I didn't want to give you anything too extreme." Nick stepped slowly down another step. "I won't let you fall."

"You mean I got a *used* video?" teased Nick, most of his concentration on getting himself down the stairs. He didn't remember them ever being this intimidating. "Of course, you wouldn't've used it for *that*."

"I don't know," AJ mused. "That short blond guy was seriously hot, as I recall. I don't *think* I jerked off, but I could've. I got you a fresh tape, anyway, because it was a *gift*, man." He stepped down to the hall floor. "Look, we made it. Go us. I'm getting you water, you want anything else?"

Nick just rested against the wall and shook his head, exhausted by the trip. "You're gonna tell me about that," he insisted. "After I've -- " He held up the pipe. "I thought you were *kidding*. You mean you really ... ?"

"Spit it out, Nick," AJ said patiently, moving to the kitchen. "I can't answer a question you won't ask. Is that good weed, by the way? You gonna be flying high, or just buzzing?"

"It's good stuff," said Nick, his voice not really loud enough to call after him. He wasn't even sure he was being heard. Rather than wait for AJ, he took a step away from the wall and started to make his own way to the couch.

"Good." Apparently AJ had been listening, because he popped up with a smile, holding a glass of water and taking Nick's arm again . "I hate doing shit halfway. We're gonna get you stoned and fed and good. What did you want to ask?"

"You ... implied ... that you'd been with guys," said Nick, his concentration on his feet again as he got himself to the couch. "Which, if it's true, is something you haven't exactly shared before."

"I haven't been *with* guys. I just said I might have jerked off to gay porn. And possibly given one blow job." AJ shrugged. "I still like chicks better, so it's not really a big deal, I don't think. Here, siddown." Nick just stared as he was eased down into the pillows and blankets that were still there from his last excursion to the couch. "Comfy?"

Nick buried himself in the blankets, feeling warmer instantly. And they were just as soft as he'd remembered. "Not a big deal, no," he said finally, "but maybe something I might've liked to know before now."

"I guess I forgot," AJ said dryly. "I was a little caught up in myself there, for a while. Here, sit up, no collapsing yet. I need to feed you. Fire that sucker up." He tugged the comforter away from Nick's face. "Come on."

Nick sighed and stared at it for a minute, wanting it more than he probably should, but trusting AJ and Joey not to steer him wrong. "All right," he said finally, then flicked the lighter and inhaled deeply. When he let the smoke out a few seconds later, he was already feeling it.

A warm burn started in his stomach, his heart pounded a little, and his eyes drooped. His fingers were tingling, and he felt his lips stretch into a grin. He dragged in smoke again, wanting more of the warm heavy feeling, more of the not-hurting that was starting to happen.

"OK, that's enough for now." AJ's gentle hands pulled the pipe out of his hand. "Let's see how a couple of hits work for you, okay? How's it feeling?"

"Fuck," murmured Nick with a soft almost-giggle. But not a giggle. No. "Hasn't hit me like this since I was 15. Never thought it would again."

"Hoo boy." AJ smiled down at him, and set the pipe and lighter aside. "You're a goner. Totally lit. I think that's enough for you, for now. You feeling okay? How's your stomach? Your head?"

Nick stretched his arms out and wiggled his fingers and smiled again. "My head might still be hurting but that's okay cause it's somewhere else now. Still so *cold* though." He buried himself in the blankets again with just his head peeking out.

AJ's fingers sifted through his hair, petting him a little, and he sighed happily. "OK, you sit tight. I'm gonna get you some soup, Joey showed me where it was. You think you could eat some soup?"

Nick wrinkled his nose a little, remembering the soup. He thought he could stomach it now, sure, or soon anyway ... but it was still soup. "Soup doesn't crunch," he pointed out.

"Um." AJ looked at him. "I didn't know we were going for crunch, here. Remember, you haven't eaten anything in god knows how long. You wanna start small. Eat some soup, I'll bring you...I don't know. What crunches?"

Nick sighed and rolled his eyes at him. "First you guys want me to eat, then you want me back on soup again ... " His stomach wasn't *quite* right though, not yet. It was probably too soon. "Okay. Fine. Soup. But with *crackers*."

"Soup first, *then* crackers," AJ said firmly, pushing away from the couch and heading for the kitchen again. "Keep that down and we'll talk. Do you even have crackers? And why am I asking you? You couldn't find your own ass with two hands and a map right now."

"Joey shopped," said Nick vaguely, wigging his fingers again. "I bet Joey got crackers. And there are always Doritos. You *know* I have Doritos in there somewhere. Can I just stay here while you serve me? It's more fun now than it was before." "Yes, prince charming." AJ's chuckle was audible even from the kitchen. "I live to serve you. Where the hell...oh, there it is." Nick heard cupboards slam and silverware clatter, and he stretched out his legs. He couldn't feel his toes, but that was okay. Things were definitely getting better. "And you're not getting Doritos-" Nick had almost forgotten AJ was there, "-because they're just about the worst thing for you in the whole world. *And* they would make you sick."

"Okay, no doritos," he said easily. "Getting sick isn't fun at all. My throat still feels all scratchy and acidy and ... pretty gross, really. What kind of soup is it anyway? Can you make me thick soup?"

"No," AJ called. "It's chicken broth, just like before. It'll make your throat better, for one thing, and it'll be easy on your stomach, for another thing. You keep this down for an hour or so, I'll think about thick soup. Maybe even jell-o. Possibly some bread." He wandered back in, perched on the back of the couch over Nick's head. "It's warming up. You wanna watch a movie or something? Want me to tell you dirty jokes? Play Scrabble?"

"I'd kick your ass at Scrabble," scoffed Nick, rolling his neck on his shoulders. They still hurt a little, but in the just-exercised way, not the detoxing way. "And if you're just feeding me broth then you owe me a few dirty stories, at least."

"Ooooh, a challenge from the stoned one," AJ cooed. "I don't think you could kick my ass at *anything*, but now's not the time. I think you should tell me dirty stories instead. Or not dirty stories. Tell me how you and Joey got together, because fuck, out of left field, much?" He folded his arms and looked at Nick attentively.

"It wasn't, though," insisted Nick, chewing on his thumbnail. "It's been, like, a couple weeks. Kinda. Since we first kinda started whatever. If anyone had been paying *attention*, they woulda noticed me all hiding it. But noooo, you guys were all hung up on that silly little arrest thing."

AJ chortled. "Yes, foolish us, worried when you get hauled off in *handcuffs*. But...a couple of weeks? Seriously? When did it start? How did he know you were, y'know. Available, like that?"

Nick didn't feel so happy anymore when he started thinking about it. "Well ... " he started, drawing out the word as long as he could. "It was the second time he'd brought me home after finding me drunk in bar. And I'd just puked in the bushes by the front door and was sitting on the couch waiting for him to bring me back some water ... "

"Oh, the romance." AJ pretended to swoon. "I almost can't stand it. So, you're puking and drunk, and he's taking good care of you, and you...declare your everlasting love?" He smiled. "At least I know he's really looking out for you."

"No, I said something about faggots actually," admitted Nick sheepishly. "See , I guess there was this guy in the bathroom at the bar and ... Fuck. I was kinda in a bad way. But he forgave me when I admitted to being a little bit gay. Actually, I think he forgave me even before that."

"He's a forgiving kind of guy," AJ agreed, hopping off the couch again, and pattering back to the kitchen. "Okay, it's done." He came back, bearing a now-familiar bowl and spoon. Nick felt like that bowl had been present in his life way too much lately, even though it was really only twice, because it was *soup* and he didn't even like soup. AJ must have seen his expression, because he put on a stern face. "Eat the soup, Nicky. It's all full of vitamins and good stuff."

"And that's supposed to make me want it more?" said Nick, sniffing at it indelicately. "Okay, okay, I'll eat it. Hey, you got any candy, for after? If I'm good and eat all my soup? Or hey, maybe Joey'll bring something. He likes me, you know."

"Yes, he certainly does. And he's not gonna give you candy, even if you make the big blue bambi eyes at him. Like I said, you get bread, and maybe more soup." AJ settled next to him, shoving his legs out of the way. "Be good and eat it anyway."

"You couldn't make me beef vegetable or something?" asked Nick, poking at it suspiciously. "I don't even have to *chew* this, I can just drink it down. Actually, that's not a bad idea ... " He brought the bowl to his lips and took a sip.

AJ laughed, but cut it off when Nick looked at him. "However works," he encouraged, still grinning. "And Jesus, no, no vegetable beef. I didn't get to eat meat till my third week in rehab. Too hard on the digestive system." AJ snickered again. "Somehow I think you'll be going a little ahead of schedule, if the Fatones put on a spread like I think they will. So while you're here, we're taking it easy."

"Yes," said NIck triumphantly, lowering the bowl for a moment and noting with some pride that it was already half gone. "Joey's mom'll feed me. Cause I'm sleeping with her son. Well, that's not the *only* reason, of course. And we're probably not gonna tell her quite like that. But she'll feed me anyway."

"Oh boy. I HOPE you don't tell her quite like that." AJ couldn't seem to stop grinning. Nick smiled back. AJ's goatee looked particularly evil that day, and Nick thought it was very very cool. He spared a moment to mourn the fact that he couldn't grow facial hair at all, then AJ snapped his attention back. "Two more swallows and you're done. You feeling okay?"

"This is pretty lousy soup," Nick noted instead of anwering him, but he finished it quickly and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. "No, we won't tell her like that. He's gonna introduce me as he BOYfriend. And then he's gonna kiss me and maybe grope me on the dancefloor at the wedding."

"Um. Grope?" AJ took the bowl out of his hands and set it on the floor. "Really? Remember, man, big ol' Catholic family. Don't scandalize the family priest." He leaned on Nick's leg as he relaxed a little. "Good boy. Now we'll let that settle a little, and see how you do. Oh, and drink your water, while you're on a roll."

Nick reached for the water automatically. "A little wee tiny grope isn't gonna scandalize anyone," he promised. "Joey knows his family better than anyone, right? An' he wouldn't do anything bad in front of them. Well, maybe a little bit bad. but not *bad* bad."

"Joey Fatone is a reincarnated porn star, and you know it," AJ said comfortably from somewhere around Nick's knee. He'd almost disappeared in the billow of blankets. "He even gives me a run for my money. Just be sure they're all cool, right? Before you go groping his tiny wee *anything.*"

"It is *not* tiny and wee," protested Nick, making an approximation of its size with his hands. "Just for the record. Wouldn't want you spread any false rumors about my baby. And do you really think *I* would go around groping anyone? Me? Who's, like, talking about his BOYfriend for the first time?"

"Hey, you're the one that said the tiny thing, not me!" AJ defended himself. "And the groping thing! And I have to assume the gropage would be mutual, because otherwise where's the fun in it?" A dark head and eyes pop up over the mound of blankets. Follwed by hands, that made the same gesture Nick's had. "Really? That big?"

Nick nodded solemnly. "I think I ought to be able to remember accurately," he said. "I saw it up close and personal." He sighed and pouted a little bit. "When's Joey gonna be here? I'm hungry."

AJ checked his watch. "Soon. About an hour. You're hungry, really? Rock *on*. He made a cheering sound and pumped his fists in the air. "I have the best ideas ever. You're still not getting beef stew, though. Want a piece of bread?"

Nick made another gesture indicating Joey's dick and sighed wistfully. "I guess bread'll do," he said a moment later. "At least it's solid. And an hour's not *soon*. An hour's faaaaaar."

"Okay, I get it, you miss your massively hung boyfriend." AJ grinned at him, and jumped up. He was flushed, Nick thought, still sweating. He squirmed contentedly under the blankets, finally getting warmer. "You realize I'm going to make him show me, just to confirm. And one piece of bread, coming right up. He'll be here before you know it. Pot-time is different from real-time, anyway."

"He won't show you," said Nick confidently. "He doesn't like to share. Only with me, because i'm *hot in the sack*!" The last words he shouted out to AJ as he disappeared into the kitchen, then brought his hand to his throat and rubbed gently. No more yelling. That wasn't fun.

AJ's hooting laughter drifted clearly out of the kitchen, and he was still giggling when he came back. "Never having slept with you, I can't confirm or deny, but fuck that was funny." He handed Nick the bread. "There. Eat, drink, and be merry. I'll bet I can talk him into showing me. I don't want to *share* it, just see! And if he won't, I'll just...ask one of his guys. I'll bet they'll tell."

Nick tore off a piece of the bread and shoved it in his mouth. "You said you'd sucked a dick before," he mumbled around the mouthful. "How do I know you're not gonna want Joey's when you see it, huh?"

AJ snorted. "I can assure you that I have absolutely no desire to suck Joey's dick. I swear on my mother. Happy?" He caught Nick's hand. "Eat slow, idiot, your stomach's all shrunken. Anyway, yes, I sucked a dick once, but it was a very specific dick. I don't just go around wanting any dick that's waving in my face."

"Was it a special dick?" asked Nick, stuffing another piece in his mouth. "Was it, like, really big or something? Did it belong to someone special? Or, oh! Oh! Was it really pretty?"

AJ giggled and slapped a hand over his eyes. Nick wondered if being stoned was contagious, or maybe it was just that he hadn't hung out with AJ when AJ was being normal and happy in so long he'd forgotten what it was like. That made him sad, so he decided to stop thinking about it. "Nick, I know you're wired to like them and all, but dicks are not inherently very pretty things." He was still giggling a little. "It wasn't nearly as big as you're telling me you've got on your plate, so to speak, thank god. But it belonged to someone kinda special, I guess."

"Well, they *can* be pretty," insisted Nick, thinking of Joey and smiling. "Maybe it was sparkly or something. So whose was it?"

"It wasn't *sparkly,* Jesus!" AJ sounded horrified and amused, all at the same time. "I can't imagine anyone having a sparkly dick." Nick thought of JC and giggled. "Just this guy, one of my best friends. He was trying to figure stuff out, what he liked and everything, so we fooled around a little. It was cool. I almost choked to death, but it all turned out okay."

Nick not-giggled again. "Okay, okay," he said. "I've done that. Well, of *course* I've done *that* by now. I just meant the choking thing. I've done that, too. Did you like it? The that, not the choking thing."

"I'm not really sure," AJ said consideringly. "I was so worried about doing it right I didn't really have time to enjoy myself. It was cool, though, watching someone have that much fun and knowing I was doing it." He shrugged. "Yeah, I guess I liked the...*that*. It was very strange, though, having everything all hanging out there like that to be sucked on." He looked at Nick, grinning. "Made things easier, in a way."

Nick grinned back happily. "See, you *understand*," he said, feeling like he was glowing. "Dicks are so great to suck. I used to try 'n' tell myself that I didn't like it much but i was just a lying bastard because I do. So if you liked this guy so much and you fooled around, how come you never went out? Was it a long time ago? Do I know him?"

"Dude, I like the guy, he's one of my best friends, but going *out*?" AJ shook his head. "It was just a friendly thing, you know, a favor, plus, I've got a girlfriend. Still pretty straight here, y'know. Wasn't that long ago, really, less than a year. And aren't you just full of questions?" He swiped at Nick's knee, playfully. "Dicks are so great to suck, huh? I like a guy who's enthusiastic about his hobbies. Bet Joey does too."

Nick grinned again. "He will," he assured AJ. "He definitely will. I need to practice a lot cause I haven't really had a lot of boyfriends. Too scared and stuff. Do I have any ice cream? That would be allowed, right?"

"He made you soup and gave you a bath and you haven't even sucked the man's dick yet?" AJ shook his head and tsk'd. "Nicky. Where are your manners?" He was grinning, though. "No ice cream. No dairy. You didn't get your wisdom teeth out, y'know, we're trying to give your stomach an easy time, here. And how many boyfriends have you had? I only thought there was the one."

"Mostly yeah," said Nick, licking his lips and wishing there really was ice cream in his near future. "One boyfriend for real, a few guys that you could probably call boyfriends but were mostly just guys I fucked around with. Well, wait." He grinned broadly, ice cream forgotten. "TWO boyfriends, now."

"Yeah," AJ chuckled, "you're off the market now." He shifted away from Nick, sprawling in the far corner of the couch. "So you figured out the guy thing a while ago, huh? When did that happen? I mean, one day you're dating Mandy, the next you're gay? Not that I blame you, that chick scared *me.*"

"It didn't happen like *that*," said Nick, waving his hand vaguely. "She didn't, like, scare me off girls forever. That was my *denial* phase." He stretched out the word 'denial' just to make sure AJ caught the importance of it.

"Well, if you were gonna be in denial with a girl, better someone we all hated," AJ said judiciously. "That means we don't hafta feel bad for her. Not that we did anyway. So, you're gonna have to practice with Joe, huh? Does that mean I should go buy you more porn?"

Nick snorted, and this time his hand waved vaguely in the direction of the stairs. "Trust me," he said, "I have plenty. Just need the *hands on* experience. And trust me, there's nothing I want more to get my hands all over him ... " Which wasn't precisely true, all the time, but it was in that moment.

"Easy there, killer," AJ chuckled, and Nick wondered what his face looked like. What he'd been showing. "He ain't here, and he won't be for a while. No strenuous activity for you anyway! How's your stomach? Holding that soup and bread down okay?"

"You're sure i can't have ice cream?" cajoled Nick, stretching out and wiggling his feet in AJ's lap. "It would make me very happy. And a happy Nick is ... um ... a happy Nick. And that's a good thing!"

AJ tugged lightly on one of his toes, teasingly. "A happy Nick's a great thing," he agreed, grinning. "You're just a doll when you're stoned, huh? Such a fuckin' cutie, I love it. But you're still not getting ice cream. I know you're hungry, but it's out of all proportion to what you're ready for. I don't want you puking out your guts when this shit wears off, that would defeat the whole purpose." He tickled at Nick's feet.

Nick wriggled immediately. "Ticklish!" he blurted out. "And cold. Cover me quick!" He tried to tug some of the blanket down to cover his feet. "Okay, fine, no ice cream. Something else? Pretty please? Or do I still have to wait more?" He grew thoughtful as he reached under the covers and rubbed his stomach and tried to figure out how it was. "I feel good. Honest."

"God bless cannabis," AJ intoned piously, taking another swipe at Nick's foot before tucking it under the blanket carefully. "If you're sure you're feeling okay, I can give you more soup, or crackers, I guess." He smiled at Nick, and his eyes were big and soft and warm and fond. "You're looking better already, you've got some color now. I'm trying to think of stuff you can eat, and man, your cupboards are pretty bare. Joey'll bring food, though, you can count on that."

Nick grinned happily back at him. "He said he would," he told AJ enthusiastically. "But until he does, can I at least have crackers? They crunch. Or the should crunch. I hope I didn't leave them out ... they don't cruch much if they get stale ... "

"Soggy," AJ agreed. "Soggy crackers are the worst. I didn't see them out, but I'll go check." He didn't move out from under Nick's feet, though. "I know this maybe ain't the time to say it, since you might not remember and all," Nick looked up, AJ's serious tone catching his attention. "But I'm...man, I missed you, y'know? I'm glad you're doin' this. Glad you're letting me help."

Nick made a frowny face at him, but the storm passed quickly. "I don't know if I like me much," he said quietly, then let the worries about that just drift away. "Who else could I ask to help? I get you and your therapist all rolled up in a big ball of worrying about me."

"Audrey says I worry about you so much because it gives me something to think about besides my own fucked-upness." AJ shrugged. "I figure she's prolly right. And man..." he mock-scowled at Nick. "You'd better like you. I mean, *I* like you, and everyone knows I got great taste."

Nick grinned and wiggled his toes again, daring him to do something about it. "You don't really have fucked-upness. You have ex-fucked-upness. And heeeeyyyyy, does that mean you think i'm more fucked up than you?"

AJ grabbed his foot firmly through the blanket, holding them still. "Watch that," he warned, "you're getting close to some delicate merchandise, there. And no, I don't think you're even *close* to being as fucked up as I was, which is, man, so great, because I was starting to freak out a little, there." He shook Nick's foot back and forth gently. "We're all fucked up in one way or another. That's just life."

"Yes," said Nick, waggling a finger at him. "Yes, that's exactly right. So you don't have to be all ashamed of your own fucked-upness. Cause like you said, everyone is fucked up which would just make you ... and me ... well, kinda normal actually." He stared off into space for a moment, pondering that. "Wow, I'm normal."

"You are," AJ was laughing at him, but in the nice way, not in the nasty mean way he sometimes did. "You're as normal as apple pie, kiddo. You're white bread. Standard issue boy. Well, except for the incredibly fucking pretty and talented thing; you got lucky there." He pushed lightly at Nick's feet. "Lemmee up, I'm gonna go get you some crackers."

Nick lifted his legs easily when the word "crackers" was invoked. "You think I'm pretty?" he said happily, leaving his legs in the air. "Joey thinks I'm pretty, too. Only Joey likes to sleep with me and I don't think you mean it that way. And even if you did, I'm taken. Very, very, very taken."

"No, I don't mean it that way." AJ wrinkled his nose at him. "You're my little brother, man. Ew." He slid out from under Nick, pushing his feet down and tucking the edge of the comforter back in neatly. "I don't know how you stand being all bundled like that. It's a friggin sauna in here, I swear." He shook his head, and paced around the couch, on his way to the kitchen.

Nick shook his head. "It's cold," he insisted, sliding further down into the blankets again. It was nice and snug and warm inside his cocoon; it was very, very cold outside of it, even now. And since he had a choice, he chose to stay inside. He wondered how many more minutes until Joey got there. Joey could make him warm in ways that AJ couldn't. "Are you sure I can't have Doritos?" he called out toward the kitchen.

"They'd rip the shit out of your stomach, dude, so no way." AJ called back. "Don't make me withhold the crackers. I've got broth and I ain't afraid to use it." But he had a plate piled high with crackers, and even a little cheese, and what looked like a banana. "Since you're being good and everything," he explained, perching the plate on one of Nick's cocooned knees.

Nick looked wide-eyed at the plate of food. A couple hours ago it would have sent him stumbling toward the toilet. Now it seemed like heaven. "If Joey was here he would feed me," he mumbled, but a moment later he snuck one of his hands out from under the blankets to snag a cracker and pop it in his mouth. "Thanks," he mumbled around it.

"I love you, but you're a big boy and can feed yourself," AJ declared, crawling carefully back over his feet to his corner of the couch. "Ouch!" He pulled the television remote out from under him. "How about we put a movie in, you can eat and laugh and it'll keep you from pining for your boy for a while. An' he'll be here in another, oh, 45 minutes or so, and I'll leave you two to whatever it is you do." He scrunched around until he was settled comfortably.

"That depends on what movie you put in," said Nick, cramming another nummy crunchy cracker in his mouth, "See, if you put any of my guy on guy porn in, then you know i'm gonna be missing him even more. Even if we haven't done *most* of that stuff yet. Cause right when we were just *starting* to get naked with each other than I had to go and be all like this ... "

AJ giggled at him. Giggled helplessly. "Dude, you are spraying crumbs, like, *everywhere*. Try one at a time! And we are *not* watching porn, guy on guy or otherwise, unless you really need those tips." He shook his head. "Joey's a saint, man."

Nick pouted at him and swallowed, wiping his mouth with his wrist. "Joey likes me," he said quietly. "Like ... *really* likes me. For real. Are you saying he shouldn't like me, AJ? Are you saying I'm too hard to like?" His lip quivered as he looked at AJ with sad eyes, he could feel it.

"Oh, no!" AJ was scrambling, Nick saw, looking a little freaked. "No way, man, not sayin' that at all. It's just, you know. Hard to start a relationship in the middle of all this, and he really does seem to be way into you, which is cool. Very cool. You're not hard to like!" He patted Nick's knee anxiously. "You're great!"

Nick grinned and grabbed another cracker. "I'm great," he repeated. "So what are we gonna watch, then? Do you get to choose the movie? It's okay if you choose the movie, 'cept the same rule goes for you. No porn! If I don't get porn, you don't get porn. Got it?"

"No porn," AJ said, still eyeing him warily. "Nothing controversial at all, at this point. Why don't you pick the movie? Whatever sounds good to you, I'm okay with." He fanned himself with an old TV Guide that had been sitting on the couch arm. "And I need ice water. Possibly an internal refrigeration unit."

"Whatever," said Nick breezily. "I'm sure I'll like whatever you pick; I own them after all. There's a couple sitting right there, see?" He waggled his fingers at a few scattered DVD cases. "Just grab one of those." He quickly tucked his hand back into the blankets again. "Are you really that hot? For honest?"

"Well, the thermostat in here's at 80, and it's 75 outside," AJ pointed out, hauling himself off the couch one more time to go sort through the DVDs. "And don't think I'm not onto you, Carter. You want me to get up and put the movie in, but if it's not something you wanna see, you'll complain for hours." He grinned back over his shoulder. "You own 'The Little Mermaid?' Dude. At least it's right next to 'Die Hard.'" He continued to shuffle. "Comedy? Action? No drama, you'll weep."

"What's wrong with The Little Mermaid?" asked Nick, frowning behind AJ's back. He hadn't known he owned that, and wondered if AJ was maybe joking. "Just *whatever* AJ, honest. I'm easy. I'm soooooo easy. Just ask Joey."

"Hoo!" AJ's laugh almost knocked him onto his ass, from his crouch. "Save it for your boy, big guy, and I don't wanna know." He snickered, shaking his head. "Easy. I'll just bet." He crowed, suddenly, grabbing for a case. "Oooh, 'Clerks!'"

Nick grinned happily again, sinking into the couch, the blankets tugged around every part of his body except his face, and a hole to sneak his hand through to eat. "That's perfect!" he said, snagging another cracker and talking around it again. "Put that in, and then come here and distract me. Cause I'm still missing Joey like crazy here."

AJ popped the movie in, then turned and stared at Nick. "Nicky...look at you. You're like...eskimo Nick, preparing for the long winter." He came back and plopped down on Nick's legs, since Nick had spread to cover most of the couch. "You're missing him that much? He's only been gone a couple hours."

Nick wiggled his feet underneath AJ. "A couple *hours*," he said, giving him wide, sad eyes again. "It's been *forever*. He wasn't there when I woke up." He snagged a piece of cheese that time, which would have been easier to talk around except he didn't, just gave AJ another grin.

"Oh my god." AJ shook his head, grinning back. "You...are a devious little monster, and you know just what those eyes do, don't you." It wasn't even a question, really. "He's only been around for like a day. I think you'll survive." AJ patted vaguely at his hip. "So I'm supposed to distract you how, exactly, since your Romeo is MIA?"

Nick gave him a vague little shrug. "I can't think of everything," he said. "You'll find a way. You could tell me dirty stories. Or ... " He frowned and thought about that for a second. "I think I already tired that one, and you didn't ... Well. What are you good at? Entertain me?"

AJ looked at him blankly. "Dude, the only things I'm good at is singing and simulating sex onstage. And drinking games, but I don't think that would really be appropriate right now. Dirty stories I could do. Most of them feature chicks, though." He poked at Nick. "You could tell me about this class you're taking."

Nick flushed faintly and thought about stuffing his mouth so he couldn't talk, but AJ would catch onto that pretty quick. "I'm not doing so hot," he mumbled instead and grabbed more cheese. It was soft and good, in a different way than the crackers were crunchy and good. "It's *hard*."

"Well, once your brain's not all soggy, it'll be easier," AJ said confidently. "I was amazed, after treatment. I could remember shit. Very cool." He grabbed some of the cheese, piled it on a cracker, and stuffed the whole thing in his mouth. "Watching you is making me hungry," he mumbled. "S'good. Glad you're eating. Wish you weren't still cold, though."

"Yeah," agreed Nick. "Wish I wasn't a lot of things." He hardly even noticed the TV on in the background. "But I guess I can't do nothing about that now. 'Cept do what people tell me to and hope it works. Do you think i should give up on the class, try again some other time?"

"Nah." AJ swallowed. "You'll need it later, something to think about and concentrate on. Plus, didn't you say your boy wants to watch you study? Maybe he gets off on nerds." He grinned at Nick. "It really will get easier. An' you're a smart guy, you'll be fine. I'll bet you're doing okay, anyway." Nick curled against his weight a little, enjoying just touching someone. "What else are you up to? Still painting? Still gonna do that picture of my doggies?"

Nick felt his smile grow again. "Still painting," he confirmed. "Always painting. I'll paint anything you want me to. I'll paint your nose hairs if you want me to. I'll paint you ... hey, do you want a nude of Joey? I'd be happy to paint you that ... "

"Nose hairs? Naked Joey?" AJ shook his head. "Where do you *get* this stuff? If I come back here in two months and there are naked pictures of Joey all over the house, I'm gonna disown you, I swear. He seems like a good guy and all, but there are some things I just ain't interested in seeing." He laughed. "Though I somehow don't doubt you'll have a few, anyway. I really do want one of the dogs. And one of Howie. S'that cool?"

"I'll keep the nudes of Joey in the bedroom," said Nick, crossing his fingers underneath the blanket. "They'll go to the best use there. *Trust* me. So ... the dogs and Howie. But not in the same picture, right? Cause that would be kinda weird. But I'd do it, if you wanted me to, just say the word."

"Well," AJ considered it. "Yeah, different pictures. A portrait with my dogs would probably make Howie look all...little and brown, not like he doesn't already, but, you know. No, I want one where he's smiling, you know, lookin' all happy. And my dogs...they pretty much look the same all the time. Still want a picture, though." He leaned back into the couch, sprawled loose-limbed and comfortable. "You're a comfy pillow, Nicky, even if you're all bony now."

"I'm not all *bony*," said Nick indignantly, wiggling his legs again. "I'm still big. Just not *as* big. Which means I have to go shopping. I wonder what kind of clothes Joey would like me in? Do you think he likes leather?" He crunched on another cracker while he thought about that. "So is Howie your favorite?"

"I don't have a *favorite*," AJ protested, almost automatically, Nick thought. "And I wouldn't go tossing all your clothes just yet, bony motherfucker. If I know Joey, and I don't really, but that's okay, he's going to force feed you till you're back to somewhere near normal. I'm sure he likes leather. You look very good in leather."

"I'm not *bony*," said Nick again, but he couldn't help giggling a little as he did. "Yeah, Joey is all determined to make me fat and happy. I'm gonna be a kept man. He's gonna feed me and make me study and paint in my underwear. Doesn't that sound like the perfect life?"

AJ cocked his head. "It does sound appealing, I gotta say. Is he gonna let you out of the house for concerts, or are we gonna have to pipe you in via satellite? Might be a little tricky for the choreography, but shit, Kevin's been working out, we can just make him haul around a tv monitor or something." He chuckled. "If you're really in your underwear, though, I dunno how much actual studying or painting or eating's gonna get done. Fatone's legendary, y'know."

Nick smiled. "And it's well earned. He *says* he wants to watch me study, though. Maybe i should put pants on. You think? I could leave my shirt off ... I bet that would be enough ... and then he would be undistracted enough to cook big Italian meals for me and it'll be all good. And then I'll work it off dancing on stage after cause damn. That's hard, too."

"Goddamn, you're cute." AJ shook his head. "When'd you get old enough to have some big horny hairy boyfriend? I feel like I should be sitting on your doorstep with a shotgun. Yeah, you could leave your shirt off, and let your man cook for you. You won't be dancing for a while, though. You're getting a break, till you gain about fifteen pounds and quit shivering under blankets in 80-degree heat." He ruffled Nick's hair affectionately. "Sweet thing."

"Not dance?" said Nick, staring at him with wide eyes again, sure he hadn't heard that right. "I have to dance. I mean, not right *now* have to, but soon have to. With the group have to. For a *living* have to!"

"Baby, you're in bad shape." AJ left that hand in his hair, and looked serious. "And by the time we're back in rehearsals, you'll hopefully be in better shape. Don't freak. It's weeks away, still, so Joey's got time to work some magic. We're not gonna *fire* you, Nick. Howie's already asked me if I think you need a break, or to go see a doctor, he's worried. Kev and Bri haven't seen you in a while, but they'll agree when they do."

"I know but ... okay, that's okay." He breathed a little easier. "We're not gonna take a *public* break or anything cause of me, that's all I was worried about. Really, I can gain fifteen pounds in no time, trust me. Done it before, after all. Specially with Joey around." He reached under the blankets and tugged at his clothes, looking down at himself. "How much weight have I *lost* anyway?"

"No, no, not public," AJ assured him, looking down at his body. "You've lost...a lot. I think this is the first time since puberty I've been able to see your ribs." AJ touched one of them, delicately, and Nick shivered. "Leave the skinny to us hyperkinetic motherfuckers and eat yourself back to healthy. You're still pretty, but bones aren't really that attractive on you."

"Didn't even notice," mumbled Nick softly, still looking at himself beneath the now-open blankets. "Gonna have to eat more." He reached for another cracker and crammed it in his mouth. "Someone shoulda told me, you know. Someone shoulda said lots of stuff to me and made me listen."

"We..." AJ opened his mouth, then closed it again and sighed. "Yeah, we probably should've. Should have tied you down or something. But were you really ready to hear it?" He pulled the crackers away. "Enough for now. That buzz is gonna be wearing off soon, and if you come back down to an overfull stomach you're gonna be fucked. As it is, Joey's probably gonna beat my ass. He wanted to make you more soup."

"I could have more," said Nick, eyeing the pipe that was still on the table. "So I can eat when Joey gets here. Oh please, AJ, it would make him *so* happy to see me eat I swear it would. Honest. Cross my heart and hope to die."

"You can have more when he gets here," AJ promised. "One bowl's all you get today, though. You're barely halfway through it, don't worry." He rubs at Nick's head, and Nick sighs happily. "You're a cute boyfriend, Nicky. Joey's a lucky guy."

Nick beamed at him. "Oh, it's so *good* to be able to talk to you about this," he said, his happiness about it just bubbling over. "It's been all hush hush for way, way too long. He's *wonderful* and I'm gay and we should be able to talk about that, not get all weird when it comes up."

"Which is what I been trying to tell you for, like, six months," AJ pointed out gently. "Glad you agree with me. Joey's a big guy, it'd be hard to sneak around with him, plus, he doesn't seem like much of a hider." He grinned at Nick. "He's good for you, though. I haven't seen you like this in *years*. Might be the pot a little bit, too, but still."

Nick bounced a little on the couch cushions and pulled the blankets around himself again. "I'm okay to talk about it now," he said. "With you anyway. And with Joey. And with Joey's friends. And I hope with Joey's family but I don't know that yet cause I haven't met them but when I do I bet it'll be easy because they're probably just like Joey and that's why Joey's the way he is probably. Right?"

AJ blinked at him, processed that, and nodded. "Riiiiight. Well, if you said what I think you said in that big long stream of words without a breath, it's a safe assumption to make. He's out already to them, you said, anyway. And what about your other friends? You've got D and Rok and Kevin, y'know. Aaron and BJ. They all love you too, kiddo. Don't go shuttin' 'em out."

"I'm not shutting them out," said Nick, feeling his mood swing over to the other side again. "I'm just not ready to tell *them*. I mean, how do I know what they're gonna say? They could be all mean and stuff, and make me cry. I bet someone does. I bet someone makes me cry when I tell them."

"Nicky." AJ's hand moved again, petting his hair as he sniffled a little, imagining Kevin yelling and Brian going shocked and cold and mean and Howie laughing. "Stop borrowing trouble before it even happens. Howie already mostly knows anyway, Brian won't care, Kevin'll yell but Kevin *always* yells. And think how wild Aaron's gonna go when he finds out you're dating someone in his favorite group."

Nick snickered, but he was sniffling, too. "They're barely okay that I'm gay, Kevin and Brian, they're not gonna like Joey. And my mom doesn't even know ... " He sniffled again. "She's gonna hate me. But yeah, Aaron ... I think he'll be okay. He might be happy. Joey could make him laugh ... "

"There you go. Think of the good stuff," AJ encouraged, handing him a tissue from his pocket. "Blow. She might hate you, but then I always thought your ma was a rabid dog anyway, no offense. But Aaron'll be psyched, you know he's gonna love Joey. And Kevin and Joey don't get along anyway, it's got nothing to do with you. As for Brian, he'll be fine with it, as long as you're happy. For real, K. It'll be good. Me and Howie'll be there for you if you want."

"But *I'm* happy so *everyone* should be happy for me," said Nick, sniffling again and feeling his eyes fill. "Joey's amazing and great and gorgeous and nice and everyone should love him as much as I do and why *can't* they anyway? People are so stupid sometimes."

AJ snorted. "Tell me something I don't already know." He patted Nick's cheek a little awkwardly. "Hey, hey, don't cry. Just think, if everyone loved Joey as much as you, you'd be fighting people off him." He froze, then, and Nick felt careful eyes on him. He didn't look up. "Love him? Nicky. Nick. Come on, you've only been dating for, like a week. You barely knew the guy before this."

Nick blinked away the tears and let the words sink in. "Like him," he said quietly, a few moments later. "People should *like* him as much as I do. That's ... that's what I meant to say. Like him."

He held his breath, but AJ didn't push. "Okay. Okay. You like him a lot, right? And that's cool, that's great. It makes you happy, and people...people that love you are gonna be happy that you're happy. Might take 'em a little while to adjust, it's a lot, you're gonna have to be patient with them. But they'll be happy, they will."

"Yeah," agreed Nick, sniffling loudly. "Cause who can look at Joey and not be happy, right? It's like, as soon as he smiles, there's this little guy that starts dancing in my heart. Does a little jig in there. If people feel that, they can't not like him. And if they like him, then they should like him with me."

AJ's mouth quirked a little, then he gave up and smiled, and Nick almost smiled back, AJ looked so amused. "A little guy? Jigging? In your *heart*?" He laughed, and patted Nick's cheek again. "I have to tell you, kiddo, ain't no little sailorman in my heart when I see Fatone. I think that might be just you. He's a good guy and all, but again, I gotta ask...do you really want to be fighting off everyone else in the world? If they liiiiiiike him as much as you do?"

"Well, okay, they can like him different," conceded Nick, snagging yet another cracker and watching AJ warily. "As long as they like him. And hey ... are you making fun of me? For liking Joey the way I do?"

"Not everyone's gonna like everyone," AJ said, a little impatience creeping into his voice. "Kevin doesn't like him, for whatever reason, and that's just life. I'm not making fun of you liking him. You know I wouldn't do that." He took the crackers further away. "I told you, no more till Joey gets here."

Nick shrank back into the blankets again and withdrew his hands, only using them to pull the covers closer to his body again. "Okay," he said meekly. "I'm sorry, AJ." And he sniffled.

"Oh, for Christ's sake." AJ dropped the plate on the floor casually, not even looking to see the mess, and hauled Nick into a quick, awkward hug. "Sorry, K. Didn't mean to snap at you." He drew back, but stayed close. "No crying, remember? Everything's gonna be just fine." Nick sniffled again, hopefully. "Joey'll charm the stick right outta Kev's ass, you'll feel all better soon, it'll be good."

Nick scrubbed at his eyes so AJ wouldn't see any more tears. It was stupid to be crying anyway. "I'm not gonna deal well with this when I'm sober," he whispered, letting AJ in on the secret. "Maybe it would go better if I'm not .. you think?"

"You're not gonna deal well with what?" AJ cocked an eyebrow at him. "And if you think I'm gonna let you take a drink so you can tell Brian and Kevin and your mom you're gay and sober, you're nuts." He scrubbed a little at his own face, looking tired, and kind of like he really wanted that drink himself.

"Deal well with people not being as happy as I am." He was definitely, definitely coming down now. "Deal with being me, in general. Don't worry AJ ... Joey'll be back soon and *you* won't have to deal with my crap anymore."

AJ stared at him. "Nick, you've gotta leave room for people to have their own opinions, you know. I mean, not everyone's gonna agree with what makes you happy. That's just the way life is, sometimes." He wasn't moving away, though, and that made Nick feel a little better. "Being you ain't so bad. You got a good job, a hot boyfriend, good friends. An' I don't mind dealing with your crap." He grinned a little. "If I did you'd have seen the back of my head running away oh, five or six years ago."

"Hard to run away when we're on contract," Nick reminded him dully. In other ways, people *had* left him on his own, though. "And a little hard to respect people not being happy for me when the would be if Joey had tits."

"Oh, there's a lovely image." AJ shook his head. "You just...dude. You know Kev and Brian don't care if you're gay, not really. Howie sure as hell doesn't, and look at me, I'm here, right? I've practically got pom-poms, I'm so cheerleadery. Believe me, if I'd wanted to ditch you I would've. The other guys, too." He shrugged. "Life's not easy, no matter who you are. Someone's always gonna be pissed off about something. Shouldn't let it get to you so much."

"Right, cause that's just so easy. Don't let it get to me. Soooo easy." He sighed and shivered. "I'm definitely not high anymore, AJ. I think it's time for more."

"How's your stomach?" AJ's voice was suddenly super-professional, and Nick stared at him. "I'm serious. We're not using the weed as a 'make Nick feel better about his life' aid, here. It's strictly for the munchies. And we're not keeping you high for three days, either." He laid a palm on Nick's forehead. "You're not as clammy as you were. Still have some color in your face." He smiled a little. "If he makes you happy, Nick, don't take no shit from anybody about it. I got your back."

"Stomach's fine," he said grudgingly, reaching up to feel his own cheek and forehead. "Feeling rotten up here -- " He tapped he temple. "Inside. And I miss Joey like crazy already."

"Some of that's withdrawal, that rotten feeling, and he'll be back soon." AJ actually sounded sympathetic, almost gentle, and when Nick caught his eyes a little sheepishly, AJ wasn't laughing at him. "He really helps you out, huh? Makes you happy and all?"

"Honestly?" said Nick, shifting beneath the blankets, starting to feel the warmth a little more. "No one else has made me feel as ... special -- like, genuinely special, not special because I can sing and make money -- as he does." He shrugged helplessly. "I guess that means something. Don't know what yet. Just that everything's a little better when he's around."

"Well, he'll be back soon," AJ repeated, sliding into the empty place behind the bend in Nick's knees, legs draped up and over Nick's. "Sounds like you're well and truly smitten, Nicky mah boy. At least you know he's not after your money." He glanced at his watch. "T-10 minutes till he hits, if he's ever on time. And I hope one of you has that capability, and it ain't gonna be you."

"Still don't know what he sees in me," murmured Nick. "All he's seen of me is the crap and the messed-upness and the pain. I don't know what he's ... what he's hoping for. I'm worried that I won't be able to be who he wants me to be. But I'm not willing to lose him."

"He obviously sees *something* he likes," AJ commented, getting even more comfortable. Nick soaked in the body heat. "He's just as googoo over you, if not more. You shoulda seen the grilling he gave me before he left." His voice raised in a rough approximation of Joey's lighter tones. "Don't let him shower alone. Don't let him go up the stairs alone. Try to get him to eat. Don't be mean to him. Make him laugh." He snickered. "It was kinda cute, actually."

Nick had to smile, thinking about Joey taking care of him like that. "I don't know what," he says, "But yeah. He seems to like being around me as much as I like being around him. And. You know. His *family*. He wants me to meet his family. that's big."

"Huge," AJ agreed, smiling back in what looked like relief. "Don't worry about it so much, just accept it and enjoy it. You deserve to be treated right, and it looks like he's the guy to do it." His head snapped up when he heard the door. "And speak of the devil. Either that's him or your stalkers made it through the fence."

Nick looked up in both alarm and excitement, his heart suddenly racing. At least it made him warmer. "AJ ... AJ ... AJ ... whatdoIdoifthat'snotjoey?"

AJ stared at him, then rolled his eyes. "Nick, it's either Joey or someone else with a key. Did you hear anyone breaking down the door? Neither did I." He raised his voice. "In here! Anyway, who else has keys? Relax. You look like you're about to dive under the couch. Sit there and look pretty and convalescent, so your gigantic boyfriend doesn't beat me up for not taking care of you."

"But if it's not Joey then someone else is gonna see me like this and no, no, no, I don't want to deal with that, AJ, i can't deal with that right now." He slid deeper into the blankets and closed his eyes and forced himself to think. Joey had a key. AJ had a key. Did anyone else have a key?

"So hide under the blankets till you figure it out." AJ actually helped him pull the covers higher. "HEY!" He called. "Who's that?"

"Yooooo." Joey's voice drifted in. "Kitchen. Who else would it be?"

"See?" AJ poked Nick. "Quit freaking out. Your man's home."

Nick took a couple of deep breaths and poked his face out. "I'm not freaking out. I'm just ... " He screwed up his face. "Okay. Freaking out. I'm done now." He let the blankets fall away from his head. "Joey! Jooooeeeeeyyyyy!"

"Hang on." Joey's voice was getting closer, then he was walking around the couch into Nick's line of vision, and smiling, and Nick's day brightened. "Hey, baby." He crouched down and nuzzled Nick's face, then dropped little kisses on his mouth. Ignored AJ snickering. "Miss me?"

Nick let the blanket fall off his shoulders and wrapped his arms around Joey as they kissed. "Course I missed you," he said, feeling happiness bubbling up again. "Did you bring me presents?"

"Course I did," Joey smiled into his mouth, echoing his words, then pulling back to stare at him. Nick wiggled uncomfortably, but Joey kept smiling. "Shit, you look like a hundred times better. Guess it wasn't such a terrible idea, leaving you with the babysitter." He glanced up at AJ. "Hey, man."

AJ waved his hand airily. "Don't mind me. Pretend I'm not here. Really."

"Okay." Joey said agreeably, and smiled at Nick again, eyes a warm and happy brown. "How was today so far, anyway?"

"A lot better once we got some pot into me," he admitted, making a scrunchy face again. "I ate. AJ wouldn't give me doritos or ice cream, though. Will you?"

"No," Joey laughed. "AJ did good. What'd you eat, anyway?" His hand was twining with Nick's and Nick felt the touch to his toes. Maybe partially the pot, but mostly just Joey being Joey. "Oh! Before I forget, Bri and Kelly send these." He smacked wet kisses on both of Nick's cheeks, but gently.

AJ groaned and put a dramatic hand over his eyes. "You two are gonna send me into sugar shock, I swear."

Nick just shot him a grin, though, and kissed Joey again. "Did they really?" he asked. "What did you tell them about me? Did Bri really kiss you or did she just kinda drool?"

"No, she can kiss," Joey assured him. "It's not really very coordinated, but she's got the main idea down. I think it's JC's fault, he smooched her too many times. Accelerated her development or something." He ran a knuckle down Nick's cheek, still ignoring AJ. "So, tell me. Eating? That's good, right? Feeling better?"

AJ shook his head, smiling. "I had to pull the food away from him. Can't believe they won't legalize that stuff."

"Crackers just aren't the same as doritos," Nick complained, but he could help smiling. "I ate soup and crackers and cheese. And my stomach is still okay, even though I'm mostly not high anymore. Only a littlebithigh."

"Cheese?" Joey slanted a look at AJ. "Well, anyway, that's great, really great. You gotta start feeling better soon, Kelly wants you to come for dinner. I told her it'd have to wait till after the wedding, because when you come back from that you won't want to eat for a week." He leaned in like he was magnetized, kissing Nick lingeringly, and Nick tasted something peppery and Joey as his tongue swept inside. "Missed you," he murmured.

"Well." AJ pushed himself off the couch and Nick, jostling the whole arrangement. "I think that's my cue. I've got a date myself, so I'll leave you two to it." He smirked at Nick. "Be good. Call me tomorrow, you hear?"

"Thank you," said Nick, reaching out to grab his arm before he could get away. "Seriously, AJ. I'll call before we leave, and when I get back after? You and me can have a long talk. When I'm not puking or high or in pain. Okay?"

"Okay." He leaned over Joey's shoulder and planted a kiss on Nick's forehead. "You feel better, and hang in there, right? You need me for anything, you call."

Joey looked up at him too. "AJ, thanks man. Seriously. I didn't worry at all, knowing you were here."

AJ clapped him on the shoulder, grinned at Nick, and disappeared out the door.

"He wasn't preachy at all," said Nick right away, happily. "He was really good. He listened. Most people don't know how to listen, you know? Like ... they look like they're listening, and they know what you've said, but they don't *listen*. And he listened. And fed me."

Joey grinned at him. "And smoked you up, from the look of your eyes." He leaned in for another kiss, and Nick gave him one cheerfully. "I'm glad you had a good day with AJ. I was gonna wake you up, but you were sleeping like a baby. Looked so cute I just couldn't do it." One more smacking kiss, and Joey stood up. "So, what did you talk about?"

Nick shrugged vaguely and tried to remember. "Stuff," he said. "You. Me. My family. Your family. Sucky people. Stuff like that. And I think we talked about porn at some point, too."

"Good porn or bad porn?" Joey tugged on the twisted comforter, spreading it neatly flat over Nick again, picking up spilled crackers and generally straightening up. "And did he have anything interesting to say? How long's it been since you smoked, anyway?"

"I don't remember," said Nick, frowning. "I think we talked about both. Talked about boyporn, cause I have a lot of that. AJ bought me my first, you know. So it's been maybe an hour? You prolly should've asked AJ before he left."

"Probably." Joey sighed. "Well, you let me know when you feel like you're gonna hurl again, that's when we'll know you need more." He shoved Nick gently back against the back of the couch, and perched on the space he'd cleared by Nick's belly. "AJ bought you your first gay porn?" He laughed. "You know, that actually makes a scary amount of sense."

"He was very supportive," said Nick, nodding his head approvingly. Because AJ, at least, had always been that. "And maybe trying to make up for ... well. Other people. Only you can't make up for other people because sometimes they just suck and you can't do nothing about it."

"And that sounds like a direct McLeanism if I've ever heard one," Joey commented, looking at Nick curiously. "I thought you said your guys were okay, with the whole gay thing. When you told 'em about Jay, and all." His hand came to rest on Nick's hip. "Sometimes people do suck, yeah, but sometimes they don't. AJ doesn't seem like much of an overcompensator, to me."

"He may possibly have enjoyed buying me gay porn," added Nick uncertainly. "Only I think maybe I'm not supposed to talk about that, so I'll shut up now." He paused. "And I said they were okay with it. Not that they were happy about it."

"Not supposed to talk about-" Joey looked fascinated, but cut himself off. "Okay, okay, I won't ask. And okay with it is the first step towards happy about it. It's a touchy subject for a lot of people, y'know. Something they have to process, and it can take a while." He smiled. "I gotta tell you, though, Kelly's just thrilled."

Nick found himself smiling again. "Really?" he said. "And she knows it's me, and not just a random someone? What did you tell her, Joey? Tellll meeeee."

"She knows it's you," Joey said, leaning back into him comfortably. "I told her I met this really great guy. Funny and smart, gorgeous, just fucking great. She guessed it was you, actually. Guess I've been mentioning you a lot or something lately. And then she went all gooey on me, you know how chicks are." He grinned. "Asked if you had a brother, I told her Aaron was like twelve, and she laughed really hard. But she really does want you to come over and do stuff, with me an' her and Bri."

"Wow," said Nick giddily, bouncing on the couch cushion. "She would trust me with Brianna? Really? And she would want to meet me even knowing ... I mean ... what does she know about me?"

"'Course she'd trust you with Brianna," Joey laughed, wrapping an arm around him to keep him still. "I kinda hinted at...this whole thing, I think she figured it out. It's not like you're a mass murderer, you know. You've got a problem, you're dealing with it, that's nothing bad."

"I know, but ... " began Nick, shrugging. "I'd love to see your baby girl, Joey. You love her so much. I mean. What's it like to love someone that much? Is it .. is it maybe like having a little guy doing a jig inside your heart?"

"Just like that," Joey said happily. "Like, you get this thump-THUMP when you think about 'em, and then your heart starts going normal again, but it's, like, dancing." He sighed, smiling. "You've gotta meet her. She's the most precious thing. Even when she's teething."

Nick reached under his shirt and rubbed at his chest a little bit and thought about exactly what he'd told AJ. "I ... I'd love to," he stammered out finally, his eyes wide as he stared at Joey. "I--I'm looking forward to it."

"You okay?" Joey reached out too, rubbed where Nick's hand was, going from blissful to concerned in a heartbeat. "Sore, still? And it's okay if you don't wanna see her right away, I know kids are kind of...unsexy, and stuff, you don't have to pretend to be all excited about it if you don't want." His hand was heavy and warm, right over Nick's heart.

"N-no," said Nick quickly. "Not sore. I'm ... I'm okay, Joey. Just a little ... heart thing." He chuckled nervously. "Joey, I really do want to see you baby and play with her and ... and help with her. It means a lot to me."

"Heart thing?" Joey looked even more concerned. "What the hell? I knew that weed was a bad idea. Is it hurting? Do you need me to get you anything?" He rubbed gently at Nick's chest.

"Joey," breathed Nick. "It's not ... it's just there's, um ... yeah ... there's this little guy dancing in there. Doing the jig. Possibly clogging, or maybe he's a little Russian dancer. Either way ...um. Thump-THUMP."

Joey's hand froze, and his eyes went wide, his mouth dropping open a little. Nick forgot to breathe. Finally, Joey blinked, slowly, like he was waking up. He didn't say anything, just took Nick's hand gently, brought it to his own chest. Nick shivered a little at the warmth, then concentrated on what he was feeling. Joey's heart was pounding hard, fast, and Nick dared to look up. Joey was smiling. It wasn't a smile Nick could remember seeing before.

"Thump-THUMP," Joey whispered.

Nick knew his smile was a little foolish, a little giddy, but he didn't care because Joey's kinda was, too. Along with a bunch of other things. "Wasn't sure what it meant," he murmured finally. "Now i know." Then he leaned up, leaving his hand on Joey's heart, for a kiss.

* * *

"Nick." Nick turned, frowning, away from the window. This seat was way too small. Wasn't first class supposed to be *comfortable?*

"You're gonna stare a hole through that window." Joey was smiling, but there were dark circles under his eyes, and his mouth looked tense. "And you're kicking that poor guy ahead of you in the back."

Nick slid his dark glasses down his nose just far enough to give Joey a quick glare. Did he have to be so damn cheerful? Even *now*? "The seat in front of me is empty," he pointed out a moment later, sliding the glasses back up. "Nice try, though."

"He's coming *back,* you know," Joey sighed, his smile getting even tighter. "He's just in the bathroom, and I thought I'd mention it to you when he's not here. Forgive me for trying to spare your feelings." He flipped the page of his magazine a little harder than was strictly necessary, making the pages flap in protest.

"Maybe I'm kicking it *because* he's not here," said Nick childishly, kicking it again and turning his head back to stare out the window. "Need to be doing *some*thing."

"Sleep," Joey suggested. "It's a common activity for tired people to do, I've heard." He rubbed a hand over his face, reached for Nick, then drew his hand back. "How you feeling?

"Like shit," muttered Nick, but he reached his own hand backwards toward Joey anyway. "I *wish* I could sleep. You know I would."

Joey pushed his hand away gently. "Nick, don't." He sighed again. "Can't you even try to sleep? I have a feeling this flight is gonna be a lot easier on you if you do. There's a movie coming on soon, but I'm sure it'll suck."

"Joey," he said, sighing loudly. "I just wanted ..." But he withdrew his hand again, knowing he was right. There would be no comfort for him on this flight. "You know I would if I could," he repeated, closing his eyes for a moment.

"You could try to read or something," Joey offered, speaking quietly. "I know you brought books, and it's not like there's press here. You could wear your glasses." He did touch Nick then, just a brief press of hand to shoulder. "It won't last too long."

"No, it'll just feel like it," muttered Nick, shivering when Joey touched him. It just wasn't enough. "I think my eyes are pretty happy with the sunglasses right now, to be honest. I really probably shouldn't have chosen the window seat."

"You wanna switch?" Joey moved a little, ready to stand up. "I don't mind. Your legs'll have more room, too." He patted Nick's shoulder again, purely platonic. "Just hang in there. Is the advil working at all, yet?" The clatter of the beverage cart turned his head, though, and the steward smiled fakely at them as he offered them a complimentary beverage.

Nick opened his mouth to answer, then closed it again and let Joey ask for whatever he thought Nick should have. He didn't really trust himself yet. But he did sit back and look up and give them both what he hoped was a bright smile and not a grimace.

"Water, and coke, please." Joey was actually smiling at the steward, but it didn't seem to matter. The steward smirked at Nick, then bent to scoop some ice. Joey leaned back to Nick, and murmured, "he doesn't know, don't worry."

"You don't have to lie," Nick murmured back, closing his eyes and sinking back into the seat. "S'okay." It was hard being in public again. The trip through the airport had been a nightmare, and was probably part of the reason he just wanted to curl up and hide right now. Probably *most* of the reason.

"I'm not- thanks." Joey took the offered drinks, handing the water over to Nick. "Drink this. The air in planes is really dry, it'll dehydrate you even more." Nick's hands were shaking again, but he managed to grab the plastic bottle. "How's your knee?" Nick winced, remembering his stumble into one of the hard plastic airport chairs.

"Hurts," he said honestly, trying to straighten it out a little, "but no more than anything else I've done to myself in the last few days." He struggled to get the lid off the bottle but managed to get it off, noticing that Joey was sitting still, waiting to help, the whole time. "I can feel the dryness," he added after taking a sip. "My eyes hurt."

"Yeah, dehydrated air's a bitch." Joey poured his own Coke, sipping at the fizz that bubbled up on the can. "My parents are going to think I'm beating you, with all the bruises," he almost smiled. "Better wear long pants all weekend. When I let you out of bed, that is."

"I think they'll notice if we don't show up at the wedding," said Nick, offering him a small smile, a real one, and sipping his drink again. "I hope I'm feeling up to ... bed ... again soon, though," he added, lowering his voice. "I know we had last night, but that wasn't quite the same ... "

Joey looked up from his soda, startled. "No, I just meant...you know, bed, like resting. Sleeping. Getting better." He smiled. "Last night," he lowered his voice abruptly. "Last night was really nice. Even though there wasn't much sleeping, or sexing. Just being there with you was pretty amazing."

"I know what *you* meant," said Nick, chewing on his lip for a moment as he studied Joey's face. "I just wanted you to know that I haven't forgotten about that. About that side of things." Then he smiled softly again. "I liked last night. Thank you, for that."

"You don't hafta thank me," Joey shook his head, smiling back. "I was plenty happy, myself." He snickered. "I sure haven't forgotten about 'that side of things.' I almost molested you in the shower, before I realized you were barely standing up straight."

"Yeah, that probably wouldn't have gotten you anywhere," admitted Nick, finally pulling down the shade on the window and taking his sunglasses off, looking at Joey straight on. "So. Do I look as bad as I feel?"

"Um." Joey looked a little worried. "I'm not really sure how you feel, man, since I'm not you, but you look pretty strung out. Hot," he hastened to add, "still gorgeous and all, but, you know, tired as hell and kind of miserable."

Nick just nodded a little and decided it would probably be best to leave the sunglasses on, then. "Just doing my part to perpetuate the myth of the party-animal pop star," he muttered, slumping in the seat again. "That's about exactly how I feel, thanks."

"Aw, come on, now." Joey jogged his knee with his own. "Could be worse. You could've, like, signed up to run with the Olympic torch or something. At least here you're just sitting." Joey yawned, hugely. "Couple-few hours, we'll be home in Brooklyn, I'll tuck you into bed and gag all my cousins so they'll be quiet. Oh." He looked at Nick. "Did you remember to pack your coat?"

"My coat?" repeated Nick, trying to remember. It hurt to think. "I think so. You helped me pack ... did I? Well. I think I'll mostly be in bed anyway, so it doesn't matter, right?"

"I think you did. You put it on the bed. I can't remember..." Joey trailed off. "Whatever. You can wear mine. You're not gonna be in bed mostly, though I'll beg you off of a lot of the stuff. There's the party, and the breakfast, and the wedding, and the reception. I think maybe we'll save Broadway and Little Italy for another trip, though."

"Well, how about we see how I'm feeling?" suggested Nick, chewing on his lip again and draining some more of the water. It didn't seem to be helping much. "I might want to, in a couple days, right?" He looked at Joey hopefully. "Right?"

"Yeah," Joey said, nodding firmly. "I mean, shit, look at you, you're walking--kinda--and you're on a plane, and I never thought that was gonna happen. I seriously thought I was gonna have to hand you off to AJ and call you a lot." His hand drifted over again, and was once again pulled back. Nick frowned. "I'm glad you made it."

"You didn't think I was gonna come?" said Nick softly, surprised. It had been suggested, sure, but ... "Joey. This was part of what kept me going, knowing that I had to be okay to come with you. Knowing that you wanted me to meet your family, wanted your family to meet me."

"I didn't think you were gonna be *able* to come," Joey stressed, looking down. "I...I mean, I asked you the first time, because I really liked you and wanted to spend time with you. And now, I can't wait to have you meet my family. It's gonna be so great." He glanced up, and smiled. "If it helped heep you going, I'm glad. I can't believe how well you're doing."

"If this is well," said Nick, groaning softly, "I'd hate to feel what someone having a hard time with it goes through. I'm still not entirely convinced I'm not dying."

"You're, like, light years ahead of Justin," Joey said earnestly. "He was still curled under the blankets moaning and shaking, at this point. Couldn't talk or anything. Which is part of the reason I had AJ as the backup plan." Nick almost heard him change the subject. "He's a good guy, AJ. A character, I might have to kill him one day, but he's cool."

"I'd be under the blankets moaning and shaking, too, if I didn't want to be here so bad," Nick murmured. though, wishing he *could* be curled up in his nice soft blankets again. "AJ's a good guy, I know he is. He's frustrating sometimes, but I wouldn't want to be without him."

Joey pulled a face. "Well, if I get all caught up in wedding shit and it starts getting to be too much for you, just let me know. Knock me in the head or something. My folks can be a little overwhelming." He fidgeted a little. "What should I tell 'em, about you? I mean, not the boyfriend thing, they know that. About the drinking? Do you wanna just tell them you're sick? Or what?"

"No," said Nick softly, shaking his head. He'd been thinking about this a lot over the last day or two, and that was the only thing he'd come up with for sure. He didn't want to start out with Joey's family by lying to them. "You can tell them what's going on. Just ... I hope no one makes a big deal about it."

"Oh, they won't," Joey said quickly. "Remember, the groom's in recovery too. Actually, we maybe won't tell him, he's gonna want to corner you and swap stories." He grimaced. "Annoying, long-winded stories. But that's cool, if you want to be honest. I think it's really good. They won't judge you bad because of it."

Nick shrugged a little. "How would it be if we said I was sick and then it came out in a month or five when we're visiting your parents for dinner that oh, right, he was actually detoxing at that wedding. I think I'd rather be honest now and deal with it. Well, except maybe your cousin. But he'll probably be so busy he'll hardly even know I'm there, except for the ceremony."

"Yeah, Tony'll be pretty busy, I think," Joey laughed. "What with his mom and her mom and my mom and his bride, he'll probably be too nuts to know you're even there. Until time comes for presents, anyway."

"Oh god," said Nick, bringing a hand up to his mouth. "Damn, did we bring anything? Do we need to go shopping? Shit. I really don't want to have to go shopping, Joey ... "

"Don't worry, I got a crock pot," Joey assured him. "Plus, you got a year until you have to send a present, if you really feel the need. Wedding protocol's been beat into my head since birth." He stretched, yawned again, slumped a little against the arm between the seats, bumping Nick's shoulder with his. "Don't worry. We're not going anywhere but home to bed."

"And *that's* gonna raise some eyebrows, I'm sure," murmured Nick, but he was kinda okay with that. He rubbed Joey's shoulder with his for a moment. "I'm probably gonna actually sleep this time. No repeat of last night, I'm afraid ... "

"Don't apologize," Joey groaned. "I may not actually make it to the bed. If I pass out on the stairs, just tell people to step over me, 'kay? And don't let Steve draw shit on my face." He shook his head, blinking his eyes wide. "Yeah, I told my mom you were coming, but I don't think I remembered to give her the boyfriend update. Oh well."

"We should probably do that," murmured Nick, " so we don't give anyone a heart attack. Is there anyone gonna be there that *doesn't* know about you? That we'd have to be careful around?"

"No one's going to have a heart attack," Joey said, smiling. "Even the people that don't know yet are used to me an' JC or Justin or Lance showing up and crashing in the same room. So we don't have to be careful at all." He bumped Nick's shoulder again, gently. "Though we should probably talk a little quieter. Or figure out, like code." He brightened. "Hey, yeah, code! Then we could even use it in interviews and stuff!"

Nick grinned, just a little bit, and closed his eyes behind the sunglasses. No one would ever know, and it felt better. "What kind of code?" he asked. "That would help with interviews, but probably won't help when we're having sex and people can hear us throught the walls. Assuming I'll *ever* feel good enough to do that again."

"Don't even say shit like that," Joey laughed, but sounded alarmed. "Not a funny joke, yo. As for the noise, they'll get over it. I mean, like, code for stuff so you won't say things like 'when we're having sex' in public. We can say, like, 'when we're studying astronomy,' instead."

Nick grinned again and tried to imagine himself saying that. "How about "when we're painting"," he suggested quietly. "I think I could come across a bit more realisically saying that. Or, you know, "when we're cooking dinner". We could probably get away with that. Sounds kinda domestic, though."

"So does painting," Joey pointed out. "An' how am I supposed to be able to tell when you're *really* talking about painting, then? It has to be something we don't normally do. Like, bowling. Bowling works." He grinned, looking pleased with himself, and then leaned in to whisper in Nick's ear. "An' we gotta figure out something for "I love you," because it's totally gonna make my day to say that in interviews without anyone knowing it."

Nick felt warm, just hearing him say that. They hadn't said it much at all yet, and when they did, when they used the words, it felt special. Like last night, when they'd just been talking and touching and getting closer to one another than Nick had ever really felt with another person. "'i'm drowsy'," he whispered back finally. "We can use 'I'm drowsy'. I never really say that. I say I'm tired or sleepy." He wanted to rest his head on Joey's shoulder, but he didn't dare.

"I don't really say it either," Joey said, leaning back away from him. "People are gonna think I'm turning into JC or something, if we use that, but okay." He frowned, tapping fingers on his knee, and Nick wondered if the mood swings were contagious. "This sucks," Joey blurted suddenly. "I wanna be there already, off this damn plane, through the airport, I just wanna be at *home.*"

"I know," agreed Nick, his own smile falling off his face. "I really want to be off this plane, Joey. I feel like ass. And I want to ... I want you to be able to make it better. But you can't. We can't do *any*thing."

Joey bared his teeth and growled irritably. "It's a pain in the ass, is what it is. How you doing, though? Stomach still settled?" Nick had smoked again that morning in preparation for the flight, since airsickness and alcohol sickness seemed like a really bad combination. "Head still hurt? You know I'd help if I could."

"Stomach's fine," he said, relieved by that at least. "The head ... is as good as it ever gets these days." Throbbing, but not enough to crack his skull. He took another gulp of the water. "My eyes still hurt."

"Just keep 'em closed," Joey sighed, slumping further into his seat. "I shoulda just chartered a plane. I fucking hate commercial air." He shot a glare of death at the woman across the aisle, who was laughing loudly at something her husband or whatever had said. "I can't believe that gate attendant wanted your autograph. Jesus." He sounded seriously cranky.

"Nothing new," muttered Nick. That hadn't even been the start of his rotten day. It had been hard enough getting out of bed that morning, let alone deal with people.. He just had to keep reminding himself that it was going to be worth it. "I'm over two days sober now, you know," he added softly. "Almost three."

"Yeah." Joey's hand touched his, secretly. "I know. Pretty amazing, huh?" He smiled, though it looked forced. "Sorry I'm being a bitch. I'm just tired, and not feeling real patient right now. Inside, I'm still kinda stunned, and really really happy, about all this."

"No, I understand all about tired," said Nick with a sigh. "We really should have slept more last night, but ... honestly? I wouldn't have traded what we had last night for the world, Joey."

"No, me neither." This time the smile was more genuine. "I mean, just talking, was...wow. Pretty cool, man. I had no idea you knew that many knock-knock jokes. Or the lyrics to that many romantic songs. Or that you really wanted to know what high school was like for me." He yawned. "Tonight no singing though. Tonight we sleeeep."

"I don't think I could duplicate that if I tried," said Nick, "especially tonight. I just feel like curling up in bed and dying for a while. You're sure we'll be able to? No one's gonna stop us?"

Joey winced. "My mom's gonna want to talk to us. Me, anyway, and probably you. And my brother's gonna be there, and my sister, they flew up yesterday, so they're gonna want to hang out. My cousins, remember I told you, the ones who are totally in love with you? They'll be there too. So, it'll probably be a while. Since the flight lands at 1, though, we should be there by 2:30, and hopefully, hopefully we can be in bed as soon as dinner's over."

Nick winced but nodded his head. "Okay," he said. "Maybe I can sneak away for a nap. Especially if we tell them what's going on, you know?" He smiled a little bit again. "How are we gonna break the news to your cousins? The *other* news."

"You can just sit on my lap all the time," Joey said with a tired echo of his normal 'I'm being wicked' grin. "I like having you there anyway, and that way they'll get the picture without us having to make any big announcements." He stretched a little. "Mom'll let you go for a nap. Me, not so much. It's bad enough I only get to see them once in a while."

"I'd take you with me if I could," promised Nick wearily, "but if I can't ... I'm sorry, Joey, I love you but I'm not giving up my nap for you."

"S'okay," Joey assured him. "I wouldn't expect you to. She'll be happy to get me alone anyway, give me the Inquisition about you. Only good thing is my dad's not coming in till tonight, he's out of town." He smiled a little. "They're used to me showing up and being a zombie anyway, after tours and stuff. And I'm not even closed to *that* tired."

"I am," murmured Nick, stretching his legs out again. "I'm that tired right now. So what are you gonna tell her about me? Anything I'm allowed to hear?"

"Don't kick," Joey warned absently. "She'll just wanna know how we got together, what you're like, if you treat me good. How serious it is, all that stuff. If you're good with her precious granddaughter." He patted Nick's knee. "Nothing to worry about."

"But you don't know any of that stuff yet,"said Nick carefully. "You don't know if I'll treat you good. And you don't know if I'll be good with baby Bri. All you know is that I'm gonna try."

"Well, that's good for her to know, too." Joey smiled at him. "You already treat me good. And I can tell, just from watching you with Aaron, you're gonna be wonderful with Bri. You've got a good heart, and kids can tell that, you know."

"I like kids," agreed Nick. "They scare me a little, sometimes, but I still like 'em. Not sure how I'd be with a *baby*, though. I don't remember much about diapers and feeding and everything. All I can promise I'd do is protect her from anything that might hurt her. I've gotten good at that." He sighed softly, though, thinking about his little brother. "As they get older that gets an awful lot harder, though."

"Yeah. Right now it's pretty easy, I just have to keep her from rolling off the changing table or choking on her toes." Joey sighed too. "I am *not* looking forward to her walking. Or," he shuddered, "dating. I mean, scary." He smiled at Nick, though. "You'll be great with her," he repeated. "I can tell. She'll love you to pieces, too."

"I'm glad you're giving me this chance," said Nick, trying to stifle a yawn. It was going to be a long day. "I *am* going to do my best, Joey. However much you want me involved in her life. When she gets old enough I'll even teach her how to paint and everything. And we can both teach her how to play drums. I'm sure her mother would love that."

"I'm glad you're giving me this chance," said Nick, trying to stifle a yawn. It was going to be a long day. "I *am* going to do my best, Joey. However much you want me involved in her life. When she gets old enough I'll even teach her how to paint and everything. And we can both teach her how to play drums. I'm sure her mother would love that."

"That's..." Joey looked at him carefully. "I want you involved as much as you wanna be involved. I mean, I hope you'll be spending time over, lots, and she's bound to be there a lot of the time." He tapped restless fingers on his knees again. "Drums? Kelly would kill me. That's, that's pretty long-term thinking there, Nicky."

"Sorry," murmured Nick, backing away from that line of thought. "I was just ... trying to offer something. I didn't meant to get ahead of myself, there. Ahead of where we are."

"No, it's cool," Joey jumped in hastily. "I mean, it's really cool, that you're thinking we're gonna, you know, make it." He grimaced a little. "I'm generally not so good with the long-term relationships, so I kinda think about a month ahead, max. But I hope, I really hope, that you're gonna teach Bri to paint. And play drums. You'll have to step aside though, Uncle Justin already called dibs on the dancing lessons."

Nick ventured another smile. "Tell him the dancing's all his," he said easily. "I really ... I don't want to take this too fast, I don't want to jinx anything or make you uncomfortable. But I'm thinking ahead. I'm giving myself goals. And Joey ... I really do want us to make it, I already know that much. I want us both to believe in it ... if we can."

"I believe in it, mostly, when I'm thinking about it at all." Joey pulled another face. "I just think...I mean, it happened so fast, and so hard, and it's still just a little unreal, you know? Last week, you were this pretty kid who I'd dragged home once and who I liked, yeah, but. Now, suddenly, we're all." He paused, grinned. "Drowsy. And it's hard for my slow little brain to process. Is all."

Nick nodded again. "It'll slow down," he said. "This last week or two ... has changed a lot of things for me. Changed *me*. And I *know* I haven't even started to process it. It's not always going to be easy for you and me, so I just ... i just keep that kind of goal in mind. That I want to teach Brianna to paint. And that makes any little blow-ups between us seem ... little."

Joey laughed, a little, at that. "You haven't even *met* Brianna, yet. But that's a pretty good goal to have. I can share that one." He ran a hand through his hair, it was all floppy, since he hadn't bothered to style it after the shower. "I hope to avoid any blow-ups at all, but I guess they're bound to happen sometime. It'll be interesting, seeing how this all goes when you're better." He smiled agan. "Can't wait to find out."

"Me neither," said Nick. There were times in the last couple of days where all he could think of was making it through to the other side, and not a single second past that. But now that he could, he couldn't imagine the future anymore without Joey in it. It was like he was inextricably tied to Nick's life now. "It'll be interesting. But it can't possibly be as tough as the beginning of this relationship was.I think we can count on that."

"I dunno," Joey said consideringly. "It might have helped, you know? In a weird way. We were so focused on the one thing, still kinda are, it made everything else seem more, I dunno, less dramatic. Easier." He frowned a little. "Now we just gotta figure out if you're still gonna want me around when you don't need someone to carry you up the stairs any more."

"If you can put up with me through that, you can put up with my through anything," insisted Nick. "And as for the other side ... Joey, you've been amazing. You've stuck with me. You inspired me to do this, for myself, in the first place. You like the things about me that most people ignore. I can't even imagine not wanting you around. I reall can't."

"See, that's the thing," Joey said, voice soft and eyes down. "I mean, I'm not being pessimistic or anything. I think we've got something really really good here, and I'm super happy about it. But you needed someone to stick with you, put up with you, support you. I know that kinda thing can really...I dunno. Intensify feelings past where they naturally would go, in that same amount of time. That's all I'm worried about. I've seen it before."

"Have you," said Nick a little dully, letting Joey's words sink in a little deeper than maybe he should have. He wasn't even really asking. "Well. If that's what you think this IS, then ... why would you say what you said to me?"

"Because that's what I feel." Joey shrugged. "I didn't say that's what I think this *is*. I mean, if I thought that was it, if I thought that was *only* it, I wouldn't have let myself, you know. Fall so hard." He smiled, a little sadly. "And yeah, I have. And it wasn't the same as this, though the circumstance was similar. So I worry, a little, that maybe I'm hearing what I want to hear, when you say stuff."

"Don't lose faith in me now, Joey," he whispered, turning his whole head away. "If you can't believe in me, if you can't trust what I say to you, then what've we got? It's not like I've given my heart to AJ, or anything, and he was there, too."

"I'm not losing *faith,*" Joey broke off, sounding frustrated. "I'm just...fuck. I'm tired and this isn't coming out right. I wouldn't have said what I said if I didn't trust what you said to me. I'm just saying that it's something that I worry about sometimes, okay? I mean, Justin was bad enough. I'm just trying to figure out how it happened, make sure it's right. I *know* what I feel. Just...give me some space for a little uncertainty too, all right? This is really fast for me. And I'm happy, I am, and it's scary."

Nick just nodded and didn't say a word, keeping his head turned away. If Joey needed space he would give him as much as he wanted. It was hard to look forward to this trip now, though, knowing what Joey was thinking and feeling. Because if he thought it was fast already, then how was he going to feel about it when they told Joey's *family* about them, already. Now *that* was fast. He just really didn't need to deal with that right now, deal with Joey's doubts, and he closed his eyes again, leaning his head against the window.

"Nick," Joey sighed, and Nick could tell he was moving restlessly. He was still startled when an arm curled around his shoulders and pulled him away from the window, over to Joey, and Joey'd obviously pulled up the armrest. "C'mere." His voice dropped to a whisper. "I shouldn't've said anything. It's not a bad thing, baby, it's just one of my little phobias, you know." Lips touched his cheek, his temple. "Love you."

"Joey, we can't do this," he whispered automatically, but he didn't want Joey to stop, and didn't pull his body away. "I guess our phobia aren't really compatible," he went on. "Because one of my greatest fears right now is that you'll decide i'm not worth it. That you'll change your mind about what we are to each other. And it kinda sounded like you were."

"Fuck it," Joey said softly. "No one's looking." He didn't let go, though he did move his head away, so they were just hugging. "See, you don't have anything to worry about, since I'm just me. I've been just me the whole time. You, though, you been going through all these huge changes, your whole life's been turned around. Can you blame me for being a little worried that once you don't need me like that anymore, that things are gonna change?"

"You're forgetting the part where I wouldn't have done this without you," Nick said softly. "The part where wanting to be with you was a big part of what made me put myself through this ... this hell, in the first place. That wasn't need, that was want. I hope that means something to you, Joey. I hope ... that says something to you that maybe nothing else could."

"It does. It's a good something, too." Joey held him tighter, and sighed again. "And I know all that, in my head. You've told me before. An' I do trust what you say; I mean, that stuff last night, I knew that was really special. Every once in a while I just might need to check in with you, make sure you're still...where I hope you are. Fuck." He chuckled a little, shaking Nick with it. "This is why they don't let me talk in interviews when I'm tired."

"It's okay," he said softly. "But maybe I really *should* try and talk your mom into letting you have that nap. I'm pretty sure we'll be better at telling everyone what we're planning on telling them if we aren't dead tired first."

"Is that a nice way of telling me I really shouldn't speak any more until I've slept a little? Nice, Nicky." He could hear Joey's smile, and imagined those eyes crinkling up into warm half-moons. "It'll be okay, I think, with my mom. Like I said, she's seen me tireder than this, she knows how I am."

"Your mom, yeah." said Nick, "but what about everyone else? You know i'm nervous enough about this, Joey. You know I've never ... before. Never had to really tell anyone. I guess I just want to make sure I do it right."

"I'll tell her to herd everyone else out, if you're worried," Joey said easily enough. "And we can keep it short. She'll understand. I'll use you as my bargaining card. Think you can look convincingly pale and wan and miserable? If we invoke the mommy gene, we can pretty much do whatever we want." His hand slid from Nick's shoulder to his waist, fingers resting just above Nick's waist, hidden by the wall.

Nick reached up to lower the sunglasses slightly and face Joey. "Do you really think I'm going to need to act to look convincingly pale and wan and miserable? Head's just getting worse. Worried the stomach's gonna follow soon."

Joey frowned, moving the fingers by Nick's belt in little soothing circles. "Just hang in there, okay? You're doing really well, it's only another hour or so. How long till you can take more advil? At least you ate all that oatmeal this morning." He looked around, but didn't let go. "Warm enough?"

"Can't take any more until we're on the ground," said Nick, a little miserably. "I'm warm enough, though. We dressed me warm, before we left. That was good."

"Yeah, well, the air on these things is always cold," Joey grumped, though his hands stayed gentle. "Tell me if you start feeling queasy, okay? I'll see-" He was interrupted by a voice from the aisle, and both heads turned. "What would you...gentlemen, like for your meal?" The steward was smirking again, and staring openly. "We're offering our first-class passengers a choice between chicken cordon bleu and veal parmesan."

Nick closed his eyes and just shook his head and let Joey deal with it. He was feeling all right, sure, but that didn't mean he was going to test that with airline food. He reached up to push his sunglasses back up and noticed that Joey didn't pull his arm away.

"Just more water, thanks," Joey almost purred, and Nick wondered what his face looked like, since the steward stuttered out an agreement and fled. "Anyway." Joey's attention was back on him, and Nick felt it like a touch. "What were you and AJ talking about for half an hour this morning? Thought I was gonna have to drag you off the phone to make the plane."

Nick coughed a little and reached for his water before answering. "He was just giving me some advice," he said after taking a long swallow. "About how to handle this now. About things I might want to look at to help me down the road. 'Cause -- and he kept saying this over and over -- it's not over yet. Like I didn't know that."

"Yeah, I think you're pretty aware, at this point," Joey said, humor lacing his voice. Pulled into his side like he was, Nick still couldn't see his face. "That boy oughtta write an advice column. At least most of his recommendations seem to be good, so far."

Nick hesitated before nodding. "I'm not sure how I feel about some of the stuff he was telling me," he said finally, "Some of the stuff he was encouraging me to do. But it's been good, to have someone to talk about it with, who understands. It's getting easier. I'm not running away from it anymore."

"Like, what stuff?" Joey stole his water and took a swig. "You should only do the stuff you think is gonna work for you. Not the easy stuff, just the stuff you feel is right for you. Everyone's different. You an' AJ couldn't be *more* different, I think. But it's so good you got someone who's been there, to help out."

"Just stuff," said Nick, vaguely. "Like, he said again how he'd feel better if I had a therapist to talk to about stuff, to figure out why I was doing what I was doing in the first place. He brings that up every time we talk, just about, seems like. He's awfully insistent about it."

"Seems like it's kind of the cornerstone of his own recovery," Joey observed. "Maybe he didn't have anyone else to talk to about it, you know? So all that stuff has to come out to someone. That's probably this...what's her name? Amy?" He swallowed more water. "That's definitely a decision you have to make yourself. Since the drinking kinda was just a symptom, you know. Might be good to figure that out, somehow. The method's up to you."

"Audrey," corrected Nick without thinking. "So yeah. I dunno. I mean, I've quit now, so what good's it gonna do anyone to figure out what caused it, right? It would probably just dredge up a lot of ugliness and no one needs that kind of thing. I should just move on."

"Well," Joey sounded like he was choosing his words carefully. "Think about that for a minute. I mean, whatever it was was so painful it sent you crawling into a bottle, and it's still there. It's kind of like a, a thorn under your skin, or something. You can slap a band-aid on it, but it's gonna be in there festering, and someday it'll probably turn into a really bad infection that could kill you. Might hurt to get it out, but you have to." He squeezed Nick. "What happens if it's still there, and you're still miserable? How are you gonna deal, then?"

Nick wasn't sure he was comfortable with that metaphor at all. "We don't even know if there's anything like that anyway. AJ's therapist thought maybe it was because I was trying to get attention? Well hey, i have attention now. Everything fixed."

"Mmm." Joey's sound was noncommittal. "Well, you've got my attention, yeah. But what if that wasn't really it? And even if it was, *why* were you looking for attention so bad you ended up getting arrested?" He tightened his hold on Nick, like he was afraid Nick would pull away.

Nick closed his eyes again, hanging in the balance between shutting down completely and ending the conversation there, and actually talking about it. It was hardly the time or the place, but sometimes you didn't decide how these things happened, they just did. "I don't know," he said finally ."I don't know what i'm going to do about that. And that's part of the problem, isn't it? Part of the reason AJ and I spent so much time talking about it this morning."

"It's okay," Joey soothed him. "You don't have to figure it out right this second. But it's definitely something you oughtta be thinking about, I think. Maybe just as important as stopping was." He grabbed Nick tightly as the plane lurched in a pocket of turbulence, and the fasten seat belt light flashed. "Oh, great," he groaned. "Just what we need."

"That's just what AJ was saying," said Nick as Joey finally had to pull away, and buckled himself in again. He hoped his stomach would hold up through the turbulence. "That it's something I need to be thinking about, cause this whole thing I'm doing right now ... is just the beginning. That i need to get working on the real problems. Which -- " He sighed. " -- isn't exactly encouraging."

"I guess it isn't," Joey agreed, "unless you think about it as a good thing. You know, every step you take being one in the right direction." He buckled his own seatbelt, but didn't drop the armrest again. The captain's nasal voice instructed them to stay in their seats.

"Which makes it tougher when I don't know what step to take," said Nick with a little sigh, remembering the conversation he'd had with AJ very clearly. It had been good, and he felt good about the way he'd coped with it, but it also left him uncomfortable and thinking about what he'd need to do in the near future. "And I *do* need to decide soon. I know that."

"Soon, yeah," Joey agreed, knuckles going white on his thigh as the plane dipped sharply again. "And you can always try AJ's way, y'know. Give it a shot, see if it works for you. You can always change your mind, if it's not what you're looking for. Sometimes just talking it out seems to work too, at least it did for Justin, and I know me an' AJ and lots of other people could help out with that."

"I think it's gonna be hard to talk about," said Nick finally, wishing he could reach out and take Joey's hand, "because I don't know *what* to talk about. If I knew ... if I understood ... then I'd just say. I probably would have said right away. If it's really important for me to figure this out, then someone's gonna have to ask the right questions."

"You should find someone who can ask the questions, then," Joey said softly. "Whether that's an AA group or a therapist or a priest or whatever. I think it's really important to figure it out. I really do." He smiled, despite the fact that his lips were now a little white, as well as his knuckles. "And I'll be there for you, whatever you decide."

"Joey?" said Nick softly. "Don't forget to breathe, all right? We're fine, it's just a bit of turbulence." Joey didn't say anything, though, and Nick sank back into his seat. "I really don't think the group thing is right for me," he said. "I feel pretty confident saying that much. I'm just ... not as sure about the rest. It's a big, uncomfortable thing."

Joey's hands stayed clenched, and Nick could see the muscle in his jaw working. "Yeah," he finally said. "But like I said. Just because you try something doesn't mean you're locked into it. You can try different therapists, different *kinds* of therapy, even something more spiritual, maybe. They're all options for you, till you find the thing that clicks for you." His eyes flickered up to the still-lit seatbelt sign.

Nick finally just did it, just reached out and took Joey's hand into his and fuck anyone that made a big deal about it. "I could," he said a few moments later. "Maybe you and me, we could talk about what options I have? So maybe I can make some kind of decision, to start?"

Joey's fingers tightened convulsively around his, then relaxed a little, and he even looked like he might smile. "Isn't that what we are doing?" He pointed out. "What are you thinking? I know you said therapy didn't feel right to you, before, but have you changed your mind?"

Nick shrugged slightly and squeezed Joey's hand a little in return. "I'm thinking about it a little more now, I guess," he said. "You think it's a good idea to figure things out and AJ thinks it's a good idea to figure things out but ... I don't know *how* to do that. And maybe I need help with that. I dunno."

"Do *you* think it's a good idea to figure things out?" Joey's hand clamped down again as the plane lurched, and he spoke through tight lips. "I mean, we're giving you good advice, I think, but do you get why? If you do, then yeah, maybe you do need help with it. Nothing wrong with that, you know."

Nick pressed his lips together as he thought about it. "I think," he said finally, "that it'll be something that I'm not going to like very much. But I'm trusting you guys to steer me right on this. You've been right about everything so far; I should probably keep listening to you. I understand why a person might want to figure this out, it's just ... hard to apply that to myself."

"Yeah, you're not really the open-up-and-share type, huh?" Joey chuckled a little, and relaxed as the plane seemed to level out, for the moment at least. "You probably won't like it. That doesn't mean it won't be good for you. Someone who can ask all the right questions...might be interesting, seeing what you figure out. Might surprise you."

Nick nodded reluctantly. "I know it doesn't mean that. That's kinda what I'm trying to say. I don't know how figuring stuff out is gonna affect me, either. Surprises can be both good and bad."

"Sometimes ignorance is bliss." Joey's lips twisted a little, and Nick wondered what he was thinking. "But when that ignorance is dangerous...that's when it's time to figure stuff out. Good or bad, I think maybe you need to know what's going on in that cute head of yours." He slipped his fingers between Nick's until they were palm to palm. "And even if it's bad, it's good. Because then you know what to fix."

"So you really think I should then, huh," mused Nick, relaxing a little now that Joey was, too. "It's okay to say so, I won't make my decision based entirely on what you think. You'd help me find someone?"

"Sure," Joey said. "I'll help you, but I think AJ might be more useful. I mean, what do I know from therapy?" The seatbelt sign went off, and Joey relaxed the rest of the way, with a sigh. "I can tell you that JC really likes his meditation guy, but that probably isn't what you're looking for. And Chris has a guy he goes to sometimes, I can find out about that, if you want. Other than that, all I can really do is listen."

"I'd go to AJ," said Nick slowly, "only I think that if I do he won't be impartial, and he'll push me in the direction of doing exactly what he's doing. And I know he'll mean well, but ... if I'm gonna do this, I think i'm gonna need to find my own path."

"Yeah, he's kind of pushy, isn't he?" Joey rubbed his thumb over Nick's wrist. "It's okay, we can ask around, and find out if there's ones who specialize in this. And then you can meet with some, see who you like. You think you're gonna do this? Really?"

"Still thinking about it," said Nick honestly. "And ... if I find another way that i think will work, I'd probably do that instead. But I don't think I will, or someone would've suggested it already. So maybe this is my only option, and I'd better get comfortable with it. Find someone I'm comfortable *with*."

"Yeah," Joey agreed. "That comfor thing's gonna be really important, I think." He smiled sideways at Nick. "We can start when we get home, if that's what you decide. This weekend, just relax and get better. Have fun, dance, eat like crazy. You deserve a vacation."

"I'll relax," agreed Nick, "and I think I'll get better, but as for the fun, dancing and eating? We'll just have to see. I can't say I'm spending too much time thinking about those right now." He squeezed Joey's hand again, glad they were still clasped. "Yeah. When we get home. We'll see what's out there for me."

"Well, no dancing tonight," Joey says fervently. "Bed's just about all I'm good for right now, and that's plenty fun for me. See how you feel tomorrow, before you start saying no to food, though. You haven't seen food like this."

Nick made a face and put a hand to his stomach, even though for once it wasn't rebelling. "We'll see," he said again. "I'm sure it's gonna be a feast, but ... well, if I'm not feeling well enough, that's not gonna matter a bit."

"No, and nobody's gonna shove food down your throat or anything," Joey agreed quickly. "How's your stomach? We're, like, 15 minutes away, dude, it's almost over." He looked really relieved himself, Nick noticed. "Home again, home again, jiggety jog. I'm turning my cell off all weekend, and relaxing, I swear to god."

"The stomach's holding up okay," said Nick, surprised by that. "I'm not exactly *hungry*, but I don't feel queasy either. Wow. So ... guess you're pretty excited, huh? It'll be good, for you to see your family."

"I can't wait," Joey smiled happily. "I really can't. Can't wait for them to meet you, either, it's gonna be so good. I'll bet you'll like them, you know. They're fun." He paused. "Well, they're fun once you've had a nap. Otherwise they're just loud and annoying. I dunno how things are done in the Carter family, but at the Fatone's it's pretty much a free for all."

"Let's not talk about the Carter family," said Nick softly, "since we're looking for me to have fun and all. I'm sure I"m gonna love your family, Joey. It would be so amazing, to have them just accept me, the way you're so sure they will."

Joey looked at him, quick and startled. "Is it really that ba-" He cut himself off, shaking his head. "We'll talk about that later. Yeah, I'm sure they will, love you, I mean. I mean, shit, they accept JC. And *Chris*. You're, like, the most normal, likeable person I've ever brought home."

"You didn't bring JC and Chris home under quite the same circumstances," Nick reminded him. "I'm not just a guy. I'm your boyfriend. And ... and I'm a recovering alcoholic. And that kind of combination might not go over as well, Joey ... "

"Yeah, but have you met Chris?" Joey grinned. "Trust me, the circumstances don't matter so much. The fact that he stayed with us for five days and left alive should tell you a lot about my family." He squeezed Nick's hand again. "You are my boyfriend, which means you're already in the good books. And you're a *recovering* alcoholic, which is a good thing."

"Not very far into recovery," Nick argued, though. "And it's gonna show, Joey. And I think that I need to ... to be ready for people to react badly to that, I think. Even though I guess your family has been through it before."

"Well, you dont' have to worry about my family reacting badly," Joey insisted stubbornly. "They're gonna adopt you like a puppy, you wait and see." He shivered a little as the seatbelt sign came on again, and they were told to prepare for landing. "If you look out the window, I bet you can see Manhattan."

Nick wasn't sure he wanted the bright light in his eyes agian, but joey seemed so excited about being home he didn't want to disappoint him, so he slid the windoshade up. "Yeah, we're almost there," he murmured, squinting even though the sunglasses. "Wow, I survived."

"You did, and in one piece, too." Joey took his hand back, and wiped his palm on his jeans. "Sorry about the sweaty hands, man. I hate flying. Landings especially." He grimaced. "Only good thing about 'em is that they mean the flying part's over. Lance called ahead for me, we've got security waiting with a car. Almost home."

"I'll be good to have privacy," Nick murmured again, remembering their smirking steward. "I think I just want to be held for a little while. And maybe do a little holding of my own, too. How long before we arrive, you think?"

"About ten minutes till we're on the ground," Joey checked his watch, "then another hour till we're home, about. After we get off the plane and everything. Believe me, the only thing I wanna do right now is curl up with you and whisper nice things till we fall asleep. It'll be really, really good to have privacy."

"Even just in the limo," said Nick, already thinking about. "Where we don't have to worry. God Joey ... I hope I start feeling well -- *really* well -- soon. I feel like I'm taking so much from you and not giving anything back."

"No, we won't have to worry in the limo." Joey smiled sweetly at him. "Don't feel like that. You give me plenty. Look how you were so brave, with the...'drowsy' thing. And you're coming with me this weekend, despite everything, and shit, man, you stopped *drinking*. That's all pretty amazing stuff. Plus, you know. You."

Nick smiled at him almost sadly. "You don't even know me yet," he said softly ."I'm just really hoping you're still gonna like me, when you do. Cause you've said you're already, you know ... drowsy. And I know I am."

"I know you pretty well," Joey's voice was soft, too, even as he argued. "I mean, it's hard to hide stuff, when you're in that bad a way. Everything's kinda raw, you know? And I like what I've seen, I really do. All the insides as well as the outsides. I can't see that changing."

"Well, the ouside is gonna change a little," said Nick, looking down at himself. "I'm gonna put that weight back on. AJ says I look like a skeleton. And the inside ... is probably gonna change some, too, if I do what we were talking about. But I guess yeah, there's some fundamental stuff that's just ... there."

"Right." Joey nodded firmly. "That's the stuff I'm talking about. You're you, no matter what, and that's the stuff I like." He looked at Nick, too. "AJ's kinda right. I can't wait to see you all solid and healthy again. I mean, you've got about an inch on me...you should be able to take me two falls outta three."

"I wouldn't want to try it at the moment," said Nick, "but it might be fun to try that theory out ... some day. And if your family is going to try and feed me as much as you're implying they will, that weight'll be back on before we even leave New York."

Joey laughed. "No, not at the moment. That wouldn't be pretty at all. But if you get your appetite back at all this weekend, yeah, you'll be packing a few more pounds by the time we get back on the plane. My house is like a nutritionist's nightmare. And they give me shit in the press for being fat." He snorted. "If they only knew how hard I gotta work to stay *this* light."

Nick gave him a brief little grin as he felt the plane start its final descent. He offered his hand to Joey again. "And you look great," he said. "For the record. Just right for me, and I'm looking forward to taking advantage of that again."

Joey took his hand, twining their fingers again and holding on tight. "I'm looking forward to you taking advantage of it," he grinned, "just as soon as possible. Believe me. I mean, that 'sorry, I've got a headache' excuse can only work for so long, y'know?" He laughed a little, then jumped as the landing gear came down with a tagible thump.

"Headache or no, I think I'm gonna be jumping you soon," said Nick, letting Joey hang on for as long as he needed to. "The sex drive is coming back again, feels like. But even if we just have more of what we had last night ... Joey, I've just never had that before. It was so ... great."

"Shhh, Jesus!" Joey laughed, looking like he'd been startled out of his fixation on the landing process. "Bowling drive, Nick, remember? And no jumping in public." He was still grinning, though, so Nick figured he didn't really care so much. "That...last night was what I call loving time. Like quality time, only better." The grin softened into something sweeter. "It was. Really great."

"Well, like I said," Nick reminded him, his voice lower. "I've never had it before. I guess I didn't know what to call it. I just can't ... " He felt himself come so close to blushing. "I can't get over it. It's the most intimate I feel like I've ever been, with anyone."

"You can call it whatever you like," Joey said, still soft. "It was still really special. I mean, I felt like I was *breathing* you, there, for a while. I've...maybe had something like it before. But it's different, with you. I don't really..." He smiled, almost looking embarrassed. "I don't really wanna sleep away from you, any more."

Nick's smile got a little sad again ."We're going to have to," he whispered. "A lot of the time, when we don't want to, we're going to have to. But Joey ... Joey ... I want that, too. To keep you in my bed. Even when I'm feeling miserable, I want you there."

"I know we'll have to," Joey said, "I just don't *want* to." He stuck his lower lip out, then laughed at himself. "Hopefully you won't be feeling too miserable if you've got me in your bed, though. Sleeping or otherwise. It's just nice."

"You make things better," said Nick simply. "And we don't have to worry about that this weekend anyway. We aren't going to have to be apart from each other. We can let this thing between us grow, the way it should. And not have anyone trying to get in between us. Oh Joey, I'm so glad I came. Seriously."

"Me. Too." Joey's voice left no room for doubt about his sincerity. "And this weekend's just perfect. We don't have to sneak around, we don't hafta do anything we don't want to." He grimaced briefly. "Except maybe dance with the bride. But still." He smiled at Nick, squeezed his hand. "I think it'lll be really good."

"Yeah," agreed Nick, rubbing his temple a little bit. But he'd long since learned that that didn't do anything to help the headache, it was just an instinctive reaction. "I guess I've got a lot of things to figure out about all this yet. And I think this weekend is going to do more to help me with that than just about anything else I could've been doing."

"Well, you can do all the figuring you like, as long as you spend the rest of the time eating, sleeping, and cuddling." Joey reached over, pulled down his hand. "Don't. You'll make it worse. Just a few more minutes, and you'll get advil. I was thinking we should just wait here till the plane clears out, avoid the chaos as much as we can, the car's not going anyplace." He scowled out the window past Nick. "I hate JFK."

"They all kinda blur into one another after a while, for me," admitted Nick, letting his hand fall the rest of the way. "I'm just kinda gonna follow you, here, tune out for a while. Until I get more advil into me. That all right?"

"No problem. If there's one thing I know, it's how to get around this goddamn airport." Joey held his breath as the plane touched down, as the brakes pressed them back into their seats when the plane slowed abruptly, then sighed relievedly. "Back on good ol' terra firma. Thank GOD." He unsnapped his seatbelt, in direct violation of airplane rules, and started rummaging in his carryon. "We're close enough," he said. "Here. Advil."

Nick had just enough water left to swallow them, and even though he knew it wasn't medically possible, he started feeling better the moment they were inside him. "Thanks," he murmured. "Next stop, nice cozy private car. And I can't even tell you how much I'm looking forward to that."

"Yeah." Joey sighed wearily. "Me too. This not-touching thing? Not that we've been doing it very well, but it sucks. And I really wanna see my mom. It's been months." He kicked idly at the carryon. "Think she'll like that photo album me and Kelly made? She hasn't seen Bree either, for a while. I mean, the kid's got a tooth!"

"She's getting big," said Nick with a gentle smile, wishing dared to reach for Joey's hand again. "I think your mom'd probably love it if you brought her a vial of Bree's drool, the way you talk about her. She loves your kid so much."

"Ew. Not that she doesn't produce enough, but can you imagine collecting the stuff?" Joey's nose crinkled in disgust, even as he was pushed and jostled by the passing crowd in the plane aisle. He was ignoring the curious looks and whispers; Nick figured he should do the same. Joey was definitely not touching him at all, anymore, though. "She does love that little girl," Joey admitted. "Almost as much as I do, I think."

"Well, I don't think anyone loves youre little girl more than you do," said Nick, gathering up his own things then looking up at the people getting ready to deboard. "Well. Let's just be glad we can clear the plan before coach passes by. This is going to be fun."

"No, it's really not." Joey groaned. "Thank god we have people to send for the bags. What the hell was I thinking? We're only staying three days, no way do I need that many clothes." He shook his head. "As the good wise boyfriend, aren't you supposed to gently remind me of stuff like this?"

"I was hardly in any shape to be spending a long time pondering your packing decisions," said Nick, letting his forehead touch Joey's shoulder briefly. "Actually, I'm going entirely on faith that you even packed my underwear. So ... yeah ... don't worry. Just remember, things could always be worse."

"Yeah, I could have forgotten to pack *my* underwear." Joey looked briefly panicked, then his face cleared. "Nope, I remember, I did, JC reminded me. And I'm pretty sure I got yours too. So it's all good. I do think I forgot your toothbrush, though. And I think there are about six pairs of jammies in your bag."

Nick had to smile at that. "You couldn't decide, or is that a hint that you really do want me to stay in bed? We're gonna want to pick me up a toothbrush, though -- if my stomach starts acting up again, well, my breath won't be pretty is all I'm gonna say." He gave Joey's side a gentle nudge. "I think we can go now, Joe."

"Ugh." Joey heaved himself to his feet, looking awkward and slow for the first time Nick could remember. "We'll make the security guys get one for you. I am not walking one foot farther than I have to. This airport's fucking huge. Wonder if I can get us one of those carts?" He stepped out into the aisle, clearing the way for Nick. "I figure, worse comes to worst, I can use the jammies to freeze my family in effects of the cute while we make a getaway."

Nick game him another smile as he stepped out. "We can also stop at a corner store and dash in to get a toothbrush on the way. Or grab one after we get to your place. It's not a panic thing, or anything." He was actually feeling pretty laid back, which was probably more a function of the utter exhaustion than anything.

"No, but the odds we'll wanna go looking for a toothbrush once we're that close to a bed are pretty low, I think." Joey reached past him and grabbed his backpack, along with Joey's own. "Plus, I can almost see through you. You ain't walking, it's seriously like a mile to the main entrance from here. Maybe even more. And you're barely standing up straight as it is." He scowled at some of the passengers from coach he was blocking, when they pushed. Nick imagined headlines.

"Stupidass airline," he muttered. "They're supposed to wait until we're off the plane." But there wasn't anything to be done about it, so he just picked up the pace as they finally deboarded. His legs did feel a little weak, his head a little light, but it wasn't as though he was an invalid. He could certainly make it to the car.

Joey, one backpack slung over each shoulder, nodded easily at the large men waiting for them at the end of the airway, and let them fall into step. Nick winced a little at the light...most of this place seemed to be large windows. And the sound was deafening, boarding announcements and screaming children and wheels of the little rolly-suitcases clattering. He almost fell down. A big warm hand settled comfortably on the small of his back. "Okay?" Joey sounded very close. "Yeah," breathed Nick, using all of his concentration just to stay upright. Maybe Joey had been right, about just what he was capable of, right then. "Just a little ... off."

"Okay." Joey started walking slowly, and Nick stepped with him, focusing on each step. That hand stayed on his back, though, and he glanced over to see that Joey had a baseball cap pulled low over his face, and big sunglasses, and it actually wasn't such a bad disguise. "Tell me the second you need a break, though. You sure you don't want one of those little carts? I'll put my foot up and everything, pretend to have a sprain."

"No," said Nick, softly but firmly. "I'm okay, Joey. I gotta do this by myself. It's not much of an accomplishment, I know, but it's something. Just let's keep it all slow, and I'll be fine." It was going to be a long way, but he could make it. His body might not be in peak shape, but it could have been a lot worse, too.

"Hey, getting through JFK in one piece is always an accomplishment," Joey protested, laughing a little. "You think I'm kidding, but this is just the outlying terminal. Wait till we get to the concourse." He paused between one step at the next, and seemed to be looking at Nick's head. "You've got the shades, but that hair," he muttered. "Gotta hat?"

"Joey," said Nick with an impatient sigh. "I have been here before you know. Big pop band? Traveled the world? Remember that bit?" He had to shrug about the hat though. "Did you pack me a hat?" he asked, a bit more sheepishly. "I pretty much wasn't involved in that part of this morning."

"Oh, right." Joey grinned at him, a little shamefaced. "Sorry, forgot about that for a minute. Um, I don't think I packed you a hat. I don't think I even realized you owned a hat." He pulled the one off his head and settled it gently on Nick's. "There, better. I'm more anonymous than you anyway, the shades should do it for me."

"It doesn't fit right," said Nick, reaching up to straighten it. But he liked it anyway, wearing Joey's hat. It was silly, but it meant something. "I have hats, in the closet somewhere. I think. Not like AJ has hats, but I have hats."

"AJ and JC should get together and compare hat collections," Joey said, grinning, starting to walk again. "It'd be like Imelda Marcos and Justin in a shoe store together. I *looked* in your closet, man, I don't remember seeing hats. I don't think I've ever seen you in one."

"No, I have hats, I'm sure I do," insisted Nick. "Cause Aaron is always stealing them, even though they don't fit *him*." He adjusted the hat on his head again; he didn't think it was doing much to disguise him. "How much further again?"

"Oh, about a mile." Joey was still smiling, though he was walking really slow. "Maybe that's why you don't have any hats. Your thieving little bro stole 'em all." He slowed even further as Nick dragged his feet a little. "Don't worry, man, no one'll think it's you. I mean, Nick Carter, wearing a 'Boybands Suck' hat? No way."

"I had one of my own, once," Nick told him, but he barely smiled. Every step was making his head pound a little harder. "But then Brian saw it and stole it right off my head. I never saw it again."

"Aw. Too bad, they're fun. You can keep that one if you want, I've got a couple." Even without the hat, Joey looked kinda just like a regular guy, walking through the airport, and Nick wasn't surprised he wasn't being recognized. Joey didn't really carry himself like a celebrity. He was comfortable and relaxed and not inviting extra attention in any way. "How you doin'?"

Nick shrugged just slightly. "I'll make it," he said, which didn't really answer the question, but he didn't mean it to. If he answered, he'd have to say that he was doing kinda shitty, really. "Should've brought that water with me."

"We can stop for some." Joey hung a sharp right into a news kiosk, leaving Nick standing in the aisle, flanked by bodyguards and clenching his hands to stop the trembling. Joey was back in moments, bottled water in hand, and he unscrewed it and handed it over. "There you go. All you gotta do is ask."

Nick stared at the bottle for a moment before taking a sip, still surprised by its sudden appearance. "Did you see if they had any toothbrushes?" he asked a moment later, licking a stray drop of water off his lower lip.

"Shit. Forgot." Joey shook his head. "Dammit. S'okay, I still think we can send someone for one. Worse comes to worst, Angelina can go down to the bodega and get one for you when we get there." He put a friendly hand on Nick's shoulder, and eased him into a walk again. "Sooner we get walking, sooner we get to the car."

"I'm walking, I'm walking," he said, but as he did he slopped water onto his shirt. "Ah, dammit," he muttered, but he didn't even get worked up about it, it had happened so often in the last few days. He held out the bottle to Joey. "You'd better take this."

"Got it." Joey shifted Nick's backpack to his other shoulder and grabbed the water and capped it. "You're walking pretty good there, too. Not a stumble in sight. How's the head?"

"Well, I know by the throbbing pain that my head is still *there*," muttered Nick with a sigh, brushing the excess water off his shirt. He was gonna be wet for a while, though. "Is that what you were asking?"

"Pretty much. As long as it's still there, we're doing well." Joey looked at him sympathetically. "Not too much farther now. Good thing, too." He hefted the backpacks higher on his shoulder. "What did you pack in this thing, bricks?"

"*You* packed it," said Nick again, managing another tight smile. "Whatever's in there, it's all your fault. The only thing I stuffed in there after you packed is my sketch pad, and *that's* not heavy."

"I only stuck a few books in there, an' some playing cards, and your CD player and a bunch of discs, and batteries, and some magazines..." Joey trailed off. "Huh. Guess it is my fault. And you didn't even use half that stuff." He slowed down, letting Nick catch back up with him.

"I might, yet," said Nick, although he couldn't imagine he would. "We still have the whole time there, and -- god -- the trip home, too." He rubbed at his temples again, and didn't stop until Joey gently pulled his hand away. "It'll be better when I'm sitting." "We can take a break if you want." Joey rubbed his wrist gently before letting him go. "Sit down for a few minutes. We're not in any rush, you know. That's the great thing about limos, we're paying 'em to be there however long it takes."

"No," said Nick, though, as he he eyed a chair longingly. "If I rest I'm gonna want to stay there. Let's just go and do this and get to the car and then I can start to freak out about meeting your family in private. Sound good to you?"

"You really shouldn't freak out, you know," Joey said, keeping up the slow progress as Nick had requested. "They're totally un-scary. There's a lot of them and they can be a little high energy but they're mostly really pretty nice. And they'll be *really* nice to you. Since you're a guest and all."

"That's not the point, though," said Nick, shaking his head as much as he dared. "They're your *parents*. That makes it all stressful. And ... I mean ... first time really dealing with people since ... you know."

"My mom'll make it easy," Joey assured him, smiling a little. "She's like the ultimate mommy. Always knows what to say to make you feel better, you know? She'll de-stress you the minute you walk through the door, I bet. You won't have to deal with too many other people, either, since it's early and all. An' I won't leave you."

"I know," said Nick, the urge to take Joey's hand so strong. "I know you won't, Joey. Maybe it's just me. I just can't imagine it being easy. Especially with the stuff we need to tell them."

"But that's the thing," Joey said, voice a little more serious. "Remember who you're gonna be talking to here. My mom's got a gay-leaning-bi son and couldn't care less. Tony's been on the wagon for two years. Nothing you're gonna say is going to be shocking or even new to her, or the rest of my family, for that matter. Most reaction you're probably gonna get is a slap on the shoulder and a 'good for you, be nice to Joey, Pop put the wine back in the fridge.' I think it'll be a lot easier than you're expecting."

"But I'm not gonna know that until I see it for myself," insisted Nick, straightening the hat again. "I trust you, Joey, but the jitters aren't gonna go away until it's over, I think. Until I see how they're gonna react to me. But it's ... " He laughed quietly. "It's weird, but it's nice to have something *else* to be worried about for a while."

"Well then, I'll just let you jitter away. Whatever works." Joey grinned. "You're gonna feel a little silly though, I bet, once it *is* over. I also predict you're never gonna want to leave. If my mom even lets you go. I'm predjudiced, though, so maybe not." He almost ran into a teenaged boy, apologized, and kept walking. Nick felt the boy's eyes on his back and stepped a little quicker.

"We're almost there, right?" he said, and edge to his voice to match the one he was feeling. "Cause I'm starting to feel a litte queasy, and ... so many people, Joey ... " He'd never had a problem with crowds, but he wasn't sure he could take it much longer, all the noise and the people and the everything. Just one more thing to deal with, on top of everything else.

"Hey." Joey stepped closer, almost bumping hips with him, and leaned in, an arm wrapping around his waist. It steadied him, even if it didn't do anything to help his suddenly-rebellious stomach. "Hey, maybe we should take a little break. Let's find a VIP lounge, okay? Or do you think you can make it? It's not too much further, just a couple more turns and we're out. The limo'll be nice and quiet."

"I just want out of here," said Nick immediately. "Really, I'll be fine. I'm just ... maybe i wasn't quite as ready to do this as I'd hoped I'd be. Is all. I'll be fine in a couple minutes. Just ... can I have the water back?"

"Sure." Joey took his arm away to grab the water, and Nick missed it immediately. "You're doing amazing, I'm totally floored here. Ready or not, you're here, you're doing it. Amazing." He handed the water over. "Just stand still for a second, have a couple sips, relax. We'll be there soon." He gestured to the guards, and they came closer as Joey tugged him to a stop by a bank of phones, where it was almost empty.

Nick sipped the water slowly, like Joey had suggested, and it either that or the brief rest did make him feel a bit better. "Sorry I'm so much trouble," he murmured. "I'll be better on the way back. I'm sure it will."

"'Course you will," Joey said gently, propping himself casually on the wall and watching Nick drink. "You're no trouble, though. I like taking care of you, anyway. Not that you need it so much anymore. I swear, as fast as you're recovering? You'll be dancin' tomorrow."

"I think that's pushing it a little," said Nick, capping the bottle successfully this time and handing it back after wiping his mouth. "But I'll be standing, and that's a start, right? And ... the mood swing thing seems to be coming under control. More or less." "Okay, maybe just slow dancing." Joey smiled at him, tucking the water bottle away in one of his vast jacket pockets. "Not feeling quite as rollercoastery as before? That's a good thing. You were starting to give me pregnant Kelly flashbacks." He grinned, taking away the sting. "You ready to keep going?"

Nick nodded and wiped his mouth one more time, finally starting to feel hydrated again. "Swaying with my arms around you seems to be more my speed right now," he agreed. "You agree? About the mood swings thing? I know I don't always notice."

"Well, it's kinda hard to say." Joey cocked his head a little as he pushed off the wall and started walking again. "I mean, I don't really know how moody you are normally, so I don't have a standard to apply it to, you know? But you've leveled out a lot, from like yesterday or the day before. So that's all good. How do *you* feel? A little more on top of things?"

Nick nodded briefly. "Yeah. I feel more ... *here*, you know? More a part of the stuff around me and less trapped inside myself." He groaned softly. "That probably sounded really weird and made no sense, right?"

"Nah." Joey shook his head. "You're speaking JC-ese, but I'm an expert, man. I get what you're saying. Your body was so fucked up it was all you could think about, and now that it's better, you can take some time to look around again." He smiled a little. "Like what you see? Still in a good place, with everything?"

"Yeah," said Nick, 'cause that was almost it. "Still living inside my head a lot, figuring some stuff out -- or trying to, anyway -- but I'm part of the world again. It's ... " He looked right at Joey and smiled. "I like what I'm seeing, right now."

Joey ducked his head, grinning, scuffing his foot a little between one step and the next. It made him look young, Nick thought. "Oh, hey, there's our exit." Joey waved at the far-distant archway, and Nick groaned. "What? We're almost there! Just a little longer." Joey looked like he was really looking forward to that limo.

Nick knew *he* would be dragging before they got there; he could barely *see* the archway. Though of course that was partly due to the dark glasses, and the fact that his eyes were still sore besides. "I would pay a million dollars to be able to hold your hand right now," he said quietly.

Joey stopped dead and stared at him with wide eyes, then reached out and almost touched him before walking on, closer, almost bumping shoulders. "Me too," he said finally, softly, looking sideways at Nick. "An' I even got the million to spend. Just a little longer, that limo's got tinted windows, you know."

"I know," said Nick, nodding again then deciding he'd really better stop doing that. "I know. I just ... need help getting there." He sighed softly. "No ... I'll make it. I just want to be touching you. So much."

Joey stepped even closer, matching Nick's stride, and his hand brushed Nick's, warm and fleeting, as his arm swung. He was looking straight ahead, smiling a little. "I feel like I'm in grade school," he said, chuckling. "Tryin' to get away with holding hands so the nuns couldn't see. I can't believe this. Let's walk a little faster, so I can hold your hand for real."

"If I could, I would be," said Nick with another quiet sigh. He brushed against Joey and almost stumbled. "Soon, though. I can even almost see where we're going."

Joey laughed. "Unless those sunglasses are prescription, we really must be close. My little blind bat." He caught Nick's arm and steadied him, and didn't let go, warm fingers wrapped around Nick's wrist, hidden mostly by their bodies. "We're almost there, let's just hope our camera luck holds. You're way too wobbly, I'm not lettin' you go."

"They are," said Nick, smiling even though he knew that would make any potential pictures even more suspicious. "Prescription, I mean. You can tell by the way I haven't run face first into anything yet."

"And here I thought it was my expert steering technique!" Joey was still laughing a little. "I figure if pictures come out, we can point at your glasses and say, 'not prescription!' and we can pretend you needed me to guide you to safety. That should at least buy us some time till Lance and...Kevin, I'm guessing? get us alone and kill us."

"Kevin," agreed Nick with a snort, letting Joey pull him along just a little faster. "Definitely Kevin. Of course, I'd also get laid into for advertising the fact that I'm blind as a bat. But not nearly as badly."

"Why would they care about that?" Joey shot a puzzled glance over his shoulder, then stepped neatly around a girl sitting on the floor next to a cat carrier. "It's not like it's a bad thing, being nearsighted. The...other's not a bad thing either, but there's no big moral debate going on about people who need glasses."

Nick grinned a little bit. "True," he said, Joey's fingers feeling hot and wonderful around his wrist. "They're just still trying to work that heartthrob angle with me. People have weird ideas, sometimes, about what's attractive and what's not. But the other? Would definitely go over worse."

"Yeah, probably. Even though I think you're way sexy in glasses. See? The blind story would work really well. Not that anyone's recognized us anyway. I'm glad the security's not wearing those damn 'I'm a bodyguard! Look!' suits. They usually get more attention than we do, at least at first." He stopped, looked around, then headed in a slightly different direction, keeping Nick at his side. "There's our door. Thank friggin' god."

"Finally," breathed Nick in relief. The airport had never seemed to massive in his life. "And when the hell am I gonna get to see you in your alleged glasses anyway? You know, speaking of sexy and all." He gave Joey a grin, his energy perking up now that they were so close. "All sorts of things I'm remembering, now that my brain's functioning again, more or less ... "

"I brought 'em, I just like my contacts better, usually, and my eyesight's actually pretty good." Joey grinned back, heading for a man with a "Fatone" sign. There were a couple of teenaged girls loitering around him, staring conspicuously at everyone passing by, and Joey dropped his hand from Nick's wrist and sighed. "Fans, three o'clock. Guys?" He looked at the bodyguards, who closed around them smoothly. "Shit. I shoulda had Lance use a fake name."

"Fuck," murmured Nick, staring downward and hoping he looked suitably unrecognizable. "Should I break off and meet you somewhere? They have cameras, I think."

Joey considered, then shook his head. "Nah. Not unless you want to. I don't care if they know you're here. I mean, word's gonna get out anyway, you know? It's not like some big secret. Might as well give 'em a chance to say hi, if you think you're up to it." He sighed. "There's only a couple of them. Probably only take a few minutes, but...they're *fans*. I gotta stop. Is that okay?"

Nick nodded. "We'll probably gonna get in shit for this. Guess they're gonna have to get used to it. Cause I'm not going to go out of my way to avoid you always." He glanced at the fans and smiled a little. "They probably hate Backstreet anyway. I'll be fine."

Joey snorted, but sent him a grateful glance as he moved forward and smiled. Fortunately, there wasn't much screaming, these fans were a little older and didn't look like they were about to faint. Joey kissed one on the cheek and she started to cry, but still no fainting. The tallest one tugged on Joey's sleeve, and he turned to her. "Is that Nick CARTER?" Her voice was a little shrill, and Nick winced. Joey nodded, grinning.

Nick forced himself to smile and nodded, too, and bit his tongue to keep from pointing out that he was right *there* and she didn't have to act like he couldn't hear her if she wasn't talking to him. He wasn't sure whether the appropriate reaction would be to back out of the way or offer to sign something for her -- and he wasn't in any shape to offer if he didn't have to -- so he just kept smiling and prepared himself for either.

"Oh my GOD!" Her hands flew up to her face. "I think you are...ohmygod...so cute. Could you..." She held out the picture of Joey that he'd already signed, and Nick had to smile a little. Joey was laughing behind her. "What are you, I mean, is there a thing, a game or something, or like a show, because I always go to the awards shows, like, to see you guys, and Joey and Justin too, and I can't believe you're both HERE..." She had to pause for breath, red-faced.

"A friend of both of ours is having an thing here this weekend," he managed to say smoothly, and smiled at her, and hoped he looked perfectly normal. "We were on the same flight in. So does this mean I get to sign Joey's face? *That'll* sure be a collector's item ... " He turned his head towards Joey and gave him a wink that would've been all but invisble behind his sunglasses.

Joey howled, laughing, even as he scribbled his name on another sheet of paper, and draped an arm around one girl, while the other took their picture. Nick's fan was staring at him adoringly as he scrawled on Joey, and her hands were trembling as she took the picture back. "Can I maybe get a picture with *both* of you?" She was breathless. Joey tilted his head, leaving it up to Nick.

Nick knew he would look like an asshole if he said no, so he just kept on smiling and nodded his head and tried to look enthusiastic about it. At least Joey was amused by the situation, and Nick had to admit he was, too, a little. But would probably have been more amused on just about any other day. "Oh my god, oh my god," she said, and thrust her camera into her friend's hand to take the picture while she took a place with the both of them and grinned so wide Nick was worried her face would split.

Joey draped an arm over her shoulders, and Nick took her waist, and her friend looked scared and took three pictures all in a row, almost blinding Nick with the flash. "Okay, girls, we gotta go. Thanks." Joey smiled and shook one last hand, then stepped back behind the guards, taking Nick with him and ignoring the cries of "Joey! Nick! We love you!" behind them. Joey was still chuckling as they ducked out the door and into the open, waiting door of the large limousine that was blocking half the pickup lane. Nick reflected that fame has its upside, as the door closed quietly behind them.

"Let's not do that again for a while," he said quietly, sliding his sunglasses off finally and closing his eyes in the pleasantly dark interior of the limo. "Not that I don't love fans, but ... " He was sure that Joey would understand, even though he still seemed tickled by the whole experience.

"I know, bad timing." Joey's giggles cut off, and he swung the backpacks off his shoulder, tossing them to the far corner, and heaving himself across to sit next to Nick instead of opposite him. His arm slid around Nick's waist instantly, pulling Nick close. "I just...I can never say no to fans, you know? They're so sweet, an' an autograph, it's nothing to me, but it makes their day. So, yeah. Sorry though." He nuzzled into Nick's hair, sighing. "Can't believe I put this off even another minute."

Nick smiled and buried his face against Joey's neck. "No, I do that, too," he assured him. "Go out of my way. Today's just ... not the best day. Better than yesterday, but still." He sighed, but he smiled a bit, too. "You know that they're gonna tell everyone they know, and people are gonna stake out the airport until we leave again."

"We'll...think of something. Secret identities or private entrances or something, it'll be okay." Joey's hands were stroking over his shoulders, down his arms, over and over. "By then you'll be ready to sprint with me if we get spotted, too. Just another little bit, and we'll be home. I gotta call Mom, tell her we landed safely." But he didn't move away an inch.

"By the time we leave I'll be fine if they're there," Nick assured him. "I'll be friendly. I'll be happy. I'll still be having as much trouble not touching you, though." As if to prove if, he slid a hand up under Joey's shirt and touched his stomach lightly. "You've been right there but I've missed you."

Joey's skin jumped a little under his hand, and Joey shivered. "Yeah," he was smiling, Nick could tell, and a little breathless, "me too. I mean, with the not touching, which I didn't really do so well with anyway, huh? And the missing you. I dunno, guess I got used to being your pillow over the last coupla days." His hand cupped Nick's neck, raised his face for a light kiss. "God, I'm such a sap."

"Yeah, well, there's only me here to see," Nick assured him. "And I don't mind one bit right now. Though a couple weeks from now, when I'm feeling myself again, you'll be ripe for teasing." He leaned in close to see Joey's eyes, and smiled. "Okay, *now* I'm blind," he said. "But the headache feels better that way anyway. You're so fucking gorgeous."

"Oh, I know you're just storing up ammunition in that devious little brain." Joey was smiling bright, loving the teasing, and even more beautiful happy like that. "And who you callin' gorgeous, gorgeous?" He flipped his hat off Nick's hair, and snickered a little. "Nice hat-hair. And the amazing thing is, you're still the best-lookin' boy I've ever seen."

"You should save up the compliments for when I'm actually able to put out," said Nick, leaning in to kiss his neck briefly. Mostly he just wanted to be held and touched, though. "So, about an hour, you said?"

"About, depending on traffic. You wanna nap?" Joey pulled him closer, so his weight was resting comfortably, and looped his arms around Nick's waist, holding him. "I don't hafta be looking for action to tell you how pretty you are," he went on gently, tucking Nick's head under his chin. "Just telling it like I see it."

"No, better not nap," said Nick, even though he could be asleep in about 30 seconds. "Might never get up again. You'd have to carry me inside when we got there, comatose, and that's not quite the kind of entrance I want to make. Though it would save me some difficult questions, come to think of it ... "

"If you could sleep through a welcome at my house, I'd have to take you to the hospital. That would be a *serious* coma. But if you wanna hold out for a real nap, that's cool. I should probably get in all the carrying-you-around I can, though, before we start feeding you up again. How's your stomach feeling, anyway?" Joey yawned too, but kept up his light petting.

"It's still settled," said Nick, touching his own stomach tentatitvely. "I think it was just nerves, before. And hey, are you saying I'm gonna be fat ... ?"

"No, I'm saying you're gonna be healthy, once we get thirty pounds back on you," Joey said firmly. "You're an inch taller than me, once you're back to where you oughtta be, I probably won't be able to carry you upstairs any more, is all I'm saying." His fingers ran down Nick's ribs, into the dip at his waist. "Glad you're still feeling okay. Think you might be up for some lunch when we get home? It'd make my mom ridiculously happy."

Nick pulled back and made a face. "I really don't know," he said honestly. "I can try. I'd rather not eat much than upset my stomach and get sick. You know? But ... I'll at least have a couple bites of whatever you're having. I can promise that much." He felt his own waist and realized again just how much weight he'd lost, how strange and wrong he felt.

"That'll do." Joey sighed, and tilted his head back into the seat, stretching his long legs out comfortably. "Once you're really better, then the campaign of food can begin. AJ gave me a list of your favorites, you know. I'm armed and dangerous. 'Course, I'll have to taste-test everything first."

"Of course," said Nick contentedly, snuggling in against him and feeling like, despite his best efforts, he might fall asleep anyway. "Maybe I'll even be feeling better later today. It's only been going up, since yesterday." In the back of his mind, though, there was always the knowledge that when the illness part of his recovery was over, he would actually have to start dealing with everything else.

"You're definitely on the upswing," Joey agreed. "Fastest recovery I've ever seen, you must have a constitution of iron or something. Speaking of AJ, don't forget to call his annoying ass, you said you would when we got in so he didn't think the flight had killed you. I still gotta call my mom." He hummed a few bars of something Nick didn't recognize. "Hey! How about you call AJ, and call JC, and call my mom, and I'll sleep! I like that plan."

"Yeah, I'm sure JC and your mom would love to hear from me," scoffed Nick. "Well, okay, maybe JC. But your mom would probably just be confused. You should call her now, cause it's not gonna do much good if you only call her five minutes before we get there."

Joey groaned. "But she's gonna want to *talk* to me," he sighed, pulling out his cellphone anyway. "And ask me questions about the flight, and stuff, and really, I can just tell her all that stuff when I get there. I still think you should call C. He'd flip." He dialed with one thumb, other arm still wrapped firmly around Nick.

"Hey Ma." He paused, and sighed, and listened. "Yeah, we're here. It was fine. It went fine. Nick's fine." He grinned a little. "Yes, he's *fine.* Ma!" He sounded scandalized. "I hadn't even..." He laughed. "Okay, yes, you've known me my whole life, I know. Okay. About an hour. The BQE's a mess, we're taking the Cross Bronx. I dunno. Okay. Love you too." He hung up, and shook his head. "Well, that's one thing we don't hafta tell her."

Nick's eyes shot open and he stared at him. "You're *kidding* me," he said when he could finally speak again. "You are *so* kidding me."

"Nope. She figured it out." Joey shook his head. "She says hi, by the way. Oh, and she went and got one of your souvenir books or something and she thinks you're really cute and that we make a nice couple." He shrugged. "I dunno how she does it."

"But ... but I've never even *met* her," Nick protested, still wide-eyed. "How could she possibly know? And, god, she got one of the books? Man, could I get more embarassed? I'm half-naked in some of those pictures. Not exactly the impression I want to be making on you *mom*."

"Well, she's a boyband mom," Joey pointed out, helpfully. "She understands about publicity shots and everything. I guess I was just kind of too enthusiastic on the phone when I told her you were coming? And maybe when I called back to make sure she remembered you were coming. Oh, and when I asked her to make sure she gave you a real room and not then den, maybe she figured it out then."

Nick had to grin and shake his head at him. "Yeah, okay, that was a little obvious," he said. "But ... it's kinda a relief. She, um, doesn't know everything about me yet. But at least that bit's out of the way now. Is that gonna make it better or worse for me when we arrive, now?"

"Hard to say," Joey sounded relieved, and smiled at him. "Better because we won't have to make any big announcement about it, worse because she's gonna be even more curious." He carded Nick's hair through careful fingers. "I'm glad you think it's a relief, that you aren't mad. I've never been good at hiding stuff from my mom. Obviously."

"I'm not mad," confirmed Nick, nuzzling against him slowly. "It's the truth after all, right? And it's not like you went and told her behind my back. I'm not ... not sure I would have minded that approach anyway. I'm not very good at the telling part, at all."

"I wouldn't," Joey protested, even as he leaned into Nick's touch. "Not on purpose. It's just sometimes hard for me to remember secrets." He shrugged a little. "I don't really have any myself, so I'm not so good at keeping who's supposed to know what straight. But I wouldn't, not on purpose. Not unless you said it was okay."

"I have a lot of secrets," said Nick softly, not telling Joey anything he didn't already know. Or at least suspect. "I'm, like, the opposite of you sometimes. It's hard for me to remember to tell, even when I should. The important stuff, I always try to keep it on the inside."

"But, you can tell me, right? At least?" Joey twisted a little, like he was trying to see Nick's face. "Because it's okay to keep stuff private, but sometimes it's important to tell, especially the important things. Secrets can be good, but they can bite you on the ass sometimes. Especially when they make you feel like you're all alone."

Nick nodded, because he did know that, inside his head. "I think maybe that's a big problem I have," he admitted softly. "That I didn't have anyone to tell the important things to for a long time, and now I don't at all."

"It's a habit," Joey agreed, nodding too. "You get in the habit of not talking, and it's hard to break. You should practice. And I'm gonna help...you already know how I am, how I wanna know stuff about you, even if you don't want to tell." His hand kept moving in Nick's hair. "Secrets are okay, but not the ones that hurt you."

"I'll try," promised Nick, even knowing how hard that was gonna be. "I got a lot to work on right now. That may fall behind some of the others. Like the not drinking thing -- that's still coming first. It's still." He made a face and sighed softly. "Hard. You don't even know."

"Which? The not-drinking? I don't know, but I can tell. As for the secrets, you're already doing awful good, at least with me. I mean, as far as I know. I can't tell what you're *not* telling me, of course." Joey tugged at Nick's lip, gently. "You're cute when you're pouting."

"Not pouting," he protested, kissing Joey's thumb. He suddenly realized he was warm, and managed a bit of a smile. "Just ... a little discouraged, I guess."

"Discouraged? About what?" Joey sounded disbelieving. "Look at all you've accomplished. I mean, you came out, you got a boyfriend," he paused, and Nick could almost hear the smile, "you stopped drinking. You're talking to your brother again, sounds like you're a lot closer to him, AJ, I mean. What's to be discouraged about?"

"Because even with all of that, even with how hard I worked for all of that, there's still so much left to do," he explained with another sigh, the weight of all of it starting to press down on him again. "Sometimes it feels like it's never going to end. I'm exhausted, and I've only just started."

"You're exhausted *because* you've only just started," Joey pointed out reasonably. "This part's the hardest on your body. Right now you're just a mess, physically, and your brain's all in knots too. Once your body starts feeling better, you can concentrate on your head a little more, I'll bet. It's amazing what the lack of a constant headache can do for your worldview." He chuckled. "I've lived through enough brutal hangovers myself to know about that, at least."

"So've I," said Nick, though that was something that had to have been obvious. "This is so much worse. But not as bad as it was a couple days ago. Feels like *forever*, since I stopped. And it's barely been days. I guess I should be counting. Isn't that what you're supposed to do? Count the days?"

"I dunno, do you think it'll help? I think they do that because every day's supposed to be a victory. You'll have to ask AJ." Joey shrugged a little. "It's Friday now, Jup's thing was Tuesday, that makes either three or four days, depending on if you count today or not. It does feel longer than that, though."

"It feels like so long," Nick said again. "I'm still thinking a lot that I'm not gonna make it. That it's too hard." He wasn't sure he wanted to count the days, count the victories. He just wanted to *be*.

"I never think you're not gonna make it," Joey said quietly. "It's never really crossed my mind. Maybe it's just because everyone I've known who's tried has made it, but mostly I think because I want you to make it, really bad. And I really believe you can do it. I'm looking forward to it, y'know. Getting to go diving with you, an' seeing you laugh, and get healthy, and spend days in bed with you."

Nick groaned softly, but at the same time, once again Joey made his load lighter. "You've already spent days in bed with me," he reminded him. "That'll be nothing new. But ... there are a lot of other things, yeah. And it's really great that you want to do them with me. That ... that you really seem interested in *me*, even if i don't turn out to be some smooth, perfect, popular guy."

Joey snorted a laugh, and cuddled him closer. "I don't want a smooth perfect guy, they're boring. And you're a lot of things, Carter, but smooth ain't one of them. Popular, though...I'm dating the most popular guy in school. Don't matter, though. As long as you'll put up with my X-Files marathons and come to see the next Star Wars with me, I don't care."

"You couldn't *keep* me from doing that stuff with you," said Nick. "You make it so I don't feel like I have to hide the things I really like from you. That's a start, right? Because I don't feel like that around anyone else."

"That's totally a good start. No secrets, remember? And you gotta tell me what *you* want to do." Joey joggled him a little, gently. "I'll like you, no matter what it is, you know. An' no matter what the secrets are. I'm not gonna leave you. That's what, um, love's, all about, you know. And I'm not the only one."

"I wasn't expecting the love thing," admitted Nick, giving him a smile. "I didn't know there was someone like you out there for me. Someone who'd make me want to ... to be better, or something. Someone who might actually be able to make me feel comfortable just being me. You've already changed me so much. Well ... not changed me, maybe, so much as ... as brought me out."

"In more ways than one," Joey chuckled. "You're already much better with the talking thing. I don't wanna change you, I like you just the way you are. And the only way you're gonna be happy is if you're comfortable with who you are. Everything else just kinda follows after that." He smiled back, into Nick's eyes.

"At least we both know this is going to be hard," said Nick, leaning back into Joey's embrace again as they talked. "At least we know what we're getting into. It's ... so much easier to talk to you than fight you on it," he added, remembering how it had been at first. What had been only a week ago but felt like years.

Joey chuckled again, pulling him closer. "I knew being a pushy bastard would be useful someday. It's not *that* hard, you know. I mean, the hardest thing is seeing you all torn up, but you're already looking tons better." He grinned, dropping a quick kiss on Nick's mouth. "Remember, I deal with divas every day. You're not really that difficult a person, Nick."

"I am," argued Nick with a smile. "I'm not a diva, no, I'm at the other end, practically. All shouting on the inside, not on the outside. And when it starts to come out ... it might come out *at* you. I'm scared of that, you know. AJ said something ... and I guess I didn't think about it at the time, but it makes sense now ... "

"Yeah?" Joey encouraged him gently. "I can take it, you know, even if it's bad. I know sometimes stuff just needs to come out. An' I can't promise I won't yell back, or try to make you see sense, but better to have it come out at me than at someone who won't understand or love you anyway. What did AJ say?"

Nick chuckled slightly. "The opposite," he said. "That ... that the reason rehab would have been better -- or one of the reasons, anyway -- is that when I started letting that stuff out, it *wouldn't* be at someone I loved. That I wouldn't hurt anyone the way I could by trying to do this on my own."

"Huh." Joey seemed to consider that carefully. "Well. On one hand, I guess it wouldn't hurt so bad, someone who didn't have feelings about you to *get* hurt. But would you really react the same way if you were with a stranger, you think?" He wasn't really smiling anymore. "Maybe you should try to let it out in little pieces. So it's not all at once, you know? Just tell me, when you're sad or mad or anything. Before it explodes."

"I don't know if I can," said Nick honestly, "and I don't want to promise anything I can't do. It just feels worse in the end, if I can't do it. Even though it'll feel awful enough, without the promise. I don't want to hurt you."

"You don't have to make some big promise," Joey said seriously. "Just think about it. Anyway, you're thinking about therapy, right? That's gonna help, I bet. They're good at digging for that stuff, I think, and helping you get it out so it doesn't hurt anyone."

"Yeah, I guess I'm sorta committing myself to that, huh?" he mused, burrowing even closer to Joey. "I mean, i know I practically have already. It just feels really weird. Really un-me."

"Bad un-you, or just different?" Joey wrapped arms around him, obligingly, pulling him into his chest. "Everything's gonna seem a little strange for a while, probably. I mean, you're doing new, strange stuff every day. Just because it's new doesn't mean it's bad, though."

"Different, for sure," said Nick, after giving it some genuine thought. "Bad ... I don't know yet. It may turn out to be not right for me. But I'll try for ... for all the reasons I said before. Because there's stuff -- secrets -- inside me that maybe even *I* don't know about anymore."

Joey just squeezed him, and sat silent for a little while, hands clasped together over Nick's hip. Finally, he sighed, and kissed his hair. "Those were good reasons. And finding out about those secrets...that's good too, I think. But you don't have to worry about it now. This weekend is to get your body back in shape. Oh, and to pamper you shamelessly, of course."

"And I'm looking forward to it," Nick assured him, smiling softly. "And I wish the head stuff *would* go away for a little while and let me enjoy that. But it doesn't, and -- " He sighed. "I guess it's just one more thing to deal with."

"We'll do our best to distract you," Joey said solemnly, then ruined it with a laugh. "Seriously, we will. You've gotta promise to tell me if things get too crazy for you, if you need a break or whatever. Because they're gonna keep us going pretty much all the time, but me and mom'll throw our weight around if you're tired, and get you some downtime." He looked at Nick curiously. "I imagine you're used to that, though, from when you go home. Don't you have like ten brothers and sisters?"

"Four," said Nick with a tiny smile. "But that's plenty. Yeah ... I'm pretty used to chaos. I'm really glad you'll be looking out for me. If ... um, this isn't likely to happen, but if I get the urge to just start talking about things, is that okay? No matter when?"

"No matter when," Joey said firmly. "You feel the need to talk during the wedding vows, you just tug on my sleeve and we'll slip out the back. Middle of the night? No problem. My ear is officially yours." He smiled. "Along with the rest of me, but the ear's the important thing now. And, I know you haven't met her yet or anything, but my mom...she's a really good listener too. She's, you know, MOM, and you don't hafta be her kid for that. You'll see, when you meet her."

"I'm really not sure i'll be able to do *that*," said Nick with a nervous chuckle. "But I'll. Um. Keep it in mind, anyway. Just in case I really need to talk some time and you're in the can or something. I'll try not to make it during the wedding vows, since that's what you came here for and all."

"You'll see," Joey just repeated, with a smile. "Yeah, I'm here for the wedding vows, but I like you a hell of a lot better than Tony the prick, and right now you're kinda my number one priority anyway."

"Still," said Nick. "I think whatever comes up can wait a few minutes at least. I just meant ... well, I know you understood. If we're doing something like ... well, like doing dishes or whatever. And I decide I want to talk about some repressed childhood memory. Which I'm not saying is gonna happen."

"If it does, that's totally fine." Joey looked at him curiously. "You really think you have, like, repressed childhood memories? I mean, I don't remember a lot of my childhood, but I think that's just normal. I remember all the big stuff. Do you have blank spots in your memories?"

"That was just an example," said Nick with a shrug. "I don't have any blanks that I know if. It's way more likely I have repressed adolescent trauma. That's when my life started, really, you know? But I don't mean that in the movie of the week way, or anything."

"Oh." Joey breathed a sigh of relief into Nick's hair. "That's good. Not the trauma thing, the other. And I wouldn't be too sure about life starting when you were a teenager. Don't you remember being a kid? What did you want to be when you grew up? What was your favorite game? That's important stuff, you know."

"My mom always told me I'd be a star when I grew up," said Nick with a smile. "And here I am. I don't know ... I don't remember my favorite game. Probably something in the water, though. I've *always* loved the water."

"And here you are, a star, and you still love the water." Joey grinned. "I'll bet you were one of those kids who spent all summer in the pool, huh? Had to get dragged out kicking and screaming when it got dark?" His fingers brushed over Nick's shoulder, where the shark tattoo was. "Justin was like that, with basketball."

"Well, we've all gotta have something we love, right?" said Nick, his skin tingling where Joey was touching him. "Something that'll stay with us forever, even when we feel like there's nothing else in our life that's right?""

"Yeah." Joey kept stroking, and Nick shivered a little. "Glad you got something like that. It's...yeah. That kind of love never goes away, you know? And it's not like the water's ever gonna decide it doesn't like you, or need you around anymore. It's there forever. First love, man." He smiled down at Nick.

"Right," murmured Nick, thinking about that a little. "That may even be where it came from a little. A love for something that would never reject me, that would always be there no matter what, no matter where I was, where we moved to. No one could take it away."

"Nope." Joey's hand slowed and stopped, then dropped to his waist again. "Now you just gotta believe it that people love you too, an' aren't gonna reject you all the time, and you'll be well on your way." He sighed a little. "It's okay to love people, you know. And let them love you back."

"I know," said Nick, his voice growing quieter, more uncertain. "And I do. I can't just decide not to. That doesn't take away the fear that I'll wake up one day and it'll be gone, though. And that has nothing to do with you and how good you've been to me Joey, 'cause you've been nothing but patient and great. It's just me, and what I know."

"Well, we'll just have to give you a new set of things to know." Joey ducked his head down, and kissed him, the first real kiss he'd had since they'd left the house that morning. Just one delicate touch of tongues, and Joey pulled back, eyes dark. "I'm not going anyplace, 'least until you decide you want me to."

"I really don't think that's gonna happen Joey," said Nick, capturing his eyes and holding them desperately. "And I'll tell you now, while I can, that if I ever say anything, if I ever, you know, reject you when I'm upset or having trouble or we're fighting ... it's only because I'm scared. It won't be because I mean it."

"Okay, okay." Joey soothed him with hands and voice. "If you tell me you want me gone when you're upset, I'll wait till you're not upset to make sure you mean it, before clearing out my stuff. I don't really fight much anyway, so chances are you won't get a chance to kick me out and not mean it."

"I'm not going to want you gone," said Nick confidently, the *only* thing he was sure of. "But I might pick a fight with you. Just to ... I don't know. I used to do that a lot. Pick fights and stuff, just to blow off some steam."

Joey shrugged. "Won't work. Probably not, anyway. I just don't fight much, at least not in the arguing way. You're welcome to scream and holler all you want, though, worst I'll do is walk away."

Nick cringed, visibly. "That'll probably just make me yell more," he admitted. "But then I'll wear myself out and slam some doors and cool down. And I dunno, maybe it'll be different if I'm not drinking. Hard to remember, what I used to do. I think I was always a big of an obnoxious fucker when I got stressed, though."

"Sounds like a pretty classic temper tantrum, to me." Joey grinned at him. "And oh boy do I have experience with those." He sobered. "When I get upset, it's more a quiet thing, I think. Like I said, no fighting. Usually I just try to fix whatever's wrong, and if that doesn't work, I call in help. If it's really bad, stress and stuff, I just hide till I'm better, which normally doesn't take too long."

"You sound like a pretty well-adjusted guy," said Nick enviously. "I guess ... having a family like yours helped. All loving and accepting and everything, no matter what. That helps a guy ... be sure of himself. Cope."

"I don't know," Joey disagreed, unexpectedly. "Sometimes I think it'd be nice to just lose it, pitch a fit and throw stuff and screw the consequences. I'm so busy thinking about not freaking anyone out, sometimes I don't even notice I'm upset till it's all over. But yeah, the family definitely helps me cope. Not as much as the guys, though. I mean, I spend way more time with them, anyway. Have since I was nineteen."

Nick nodded in agreement; he knew all about what it was like to spend practically all your time with the same guys, for years. Even if it didn't affect them in the same way. "The guys I'd go drinking with, they're the first friends I had outside the group, really. First adult friends."

"I don't really..." Joey cocked his head, considering. "Huh. I guess I don't really have any friends outside the group, except maybe Kelly, and she's really more like family. The other guys, Jayce and Justin especially, they do. I guess I didn't really need anyone else." He shook his head, like he was clearing it. "Those guys you went drinking with...you think they're gonna stick around? Even without the drinking?"

"Nope," said Nick flatly, then sighed. "No, I really don't. That was pretty much all we did together ...and I don't think *they* have any interest in quitting. Don't have any reason to. But then again -- " He looked up into Joey's face again. "Neither did I, before. But the funny thing ... ? I don't even really like them much."

"So why were you spending all that time with them?" Joey asked simply. "I mean, I don't know them or anything, but someone like you, you can't be hurting for people to just hang out with. Why'd you choose them?"

"Cause I'm stupid?" said Nick, with a shrug and a sigh. "Because they seemed like the kind of guys someone like me was supposed to like, going out and drinking and talking about chicks and just generally looking cool. Or whatever. I don't even really know anymore, it just got to be habit."

"Hmmm." Joey didn't say anything else for a moment, just dropped his face back into Nick's hair, and Nick was struck again by how much pleasure Joey seemed to take in just touching him. "You're not stupid," he said quietly, finally. "Not hanging out with them anymore would probably not be a terrible idea, though. 'Specially since they were the guys you were drinking with, mostly."

"That's probably going to be how it happens," Nick said a moment later. "How this story's gonna break, in the end. I'm gonna stop hanging out with them and someone's gonna leak, 'cause they'll get upset about it. Leak everything."

"How could they?" Joey was calm. "What do they know? That you used to go out and drink with them, that's it. They don't know you quit drinking entirely, just that you stopped hanging with them. And they don't know about the other stuff, do they? If they start bugging you, just tell 'em you're getting ready to go on tour. It's only the truth, man."

"What they don't know, they'll make up," said Nick, burrowing against Joey again, the only place he felt safe anymore. "Some of them ... I think I've known all along they were in it for the name, you know? And when it ends -- and I *will* end it, I have to -- they'll probably raise hell." He sighed again and wished things were different. "I know I've made a lot of bad choices."

"You don't gotta break *up* with them or anything." Joey let him burrow, staying relaxed in his sprawl, letting Nick crawl all over him. "Just have other stuff to be doing. Made-up rumors are a dime a dozen in this business, you don't have to worry about that too much, I don't think." He kissed Nick's ear, all he could probably reach without moving. "Don't worry about it till it happens, okay? You have enough on your plate without borrowing trouble before it's here. Concentrate on the good choices you're making now, instead."

"I'm not really worrying about it," said Nick, trying not to. It wasn't worth it. "I think it's just kinda fact. Nothing I can do anything about, if that's what they're gonna do, and I know it. I just kinda have to ... to keep going. I can't let anything stop me now."

"Nope. And there's nothing they can do, really. They can't stop you. Nobody can, once you get that mind made up." Joey chuckled. "You know what my first memory of you is? That damn charity basketball game, remember? And you were just determined that the only N Syncer you wanted on your team was Lance, for some reason. You were the stubbornest thing I ever saw. And you got your way. I was pretty impressed, I gotta tell you. Though I still can't figure out why you wanted *Lance.*"

"Lance was very pretty," said Nick with a tiny smile, even though he was pretty sure that wasn't the reason. Or had it been? He probably wouldn't have been so adamant if it was. "Or maybe I just wanted us to lose to piss Brian off. I always did get my way, though ... I was really good at that."

"Lance looked like a lesbian space alien," Joey disagreed, laughing a little. "He totally wins the contest for most improved looks, I think. But I remember hearing stories about you, getting your way. You were a handful, kiddo. Not that you aren't now. Still, you musta had Brian and Kevin running around in circles!"

"Oh yeah," agreed Nick fervently. "I was pretty much a little terror. Getting away from mom for the first time, getting to live a little ... you have no idea." Then he chuckled softly and wrapped an arm around Joey's waist. "Or maybe you do. And maybe I never grew up, since then."

"You're a different kind of handful now," Joey grinned, squeezing him in illustration. "A very nice handful, I gotta say. I've got a pretty good idea what it was like, we had some troublemakers of our own, and I raised some hell myself. Chris ain't a particularly good role model, you know."

"Yeah, I can imagine," agreed Nick. "I should be thankful I had what I did. Maybe not everyone was a good influence, but without Kevin, I might've been in a worse way than I am now. And I don't think I want to spend any time thinking about that, because it could just be scary."