"End of the hall," Nick reminded him, slipping his hand into Joey's easily, comfortably, and leading him along. "You're gonna have to remember that, for next time. Or in case you decide you need to get up for a snack while I'm sleeping. I'd hate for you to lose your way on your way back to bed." He tugged Joey close enough for a brief kiss as they made their way slowly down the hall. "They were cute together. Eric and Nathan, I mean. But that didn't make it much easier for me, when it came time to ... deal. Or maybe it did. I guess I can't know, without something else to compare my life to."

"I can just see myself getting lost in this giant house. You'd have to send out search parties, and three days later they'd find me naked in a corner somewhere, tapping SOS on the wall." Joey smiled at him, and pulled him through the door. "Maybe I should get breadcrumbs for a trail, just in case," he mused. "Would you kick me out of bed if I got the sheets all crumby?" Nick giggled, thinking how unlikely it was he'd kick Joey out of bed for *anything*, much less something as minor as some breadcrumbs. "I know I was lucky, Nick," Joey said, turning serious suddenly. "But I think the way you're handling everything is pretty amazing, considering. And if you ever wanna talk about it...I think Justin knows pretty much where you're coming from, with this anyway, and you can always talk to him. He's great, like that."

"I think the only person I'm ready to let preach at me about getting caught up in the life is AJ," said Nick honestly, giving Joey's hand a squeeze. "I know they have the best of intentions, but ... " Joey was giving him a strange look. "Or is it not like that, with him. You just ... you told me how he'd been through this. I just thought ... " Thought that he didn't want to feel inferior to Timberlake, he had to admit to himself. Though that he didn't want to admit his problems to anyone, except maybe Joey. Which meant his reaction wasn't fair at all.

"It's not really..." Joey gestured helplessly with his free hand, looking worried. "Not preaching, and not about getting caught up in the life, really. Or not *just* that. It just sounds like you and Jup've had a lot of the same experiences, with the industry, and your moms, and especially coming to terms with liking guys. I know for him, it was hard, because he didn't have anyone to talk to who really understood. I tried, but I'm not so smart sometimes, and you know how good my parents were with me. Plus I had a pretty normal childhood. I just thought it might be nice, if y'all could talk. Share stuff, for when I'm not enough."

"Oh," said Nick softly, feeling bad for assuming what he did. "Maybe I could. I'm just not ... I've barely even admitted to *myself* what's been going on with me. About all of it, even the guy thing. I ... I know you haven't forgotten that first night you stayed here, because *I* certainly haven't. I know what I said, Joey. I still feel bad about that." He lifted his head to look Joey in the eye, bravely. "But I'm trying. And I'm doing good. And I really, really want to be with you, Joey."

"I really, really want to be with you too," Joey said quickly, pulling him into a hug. "And I didn't mean right now, or even soon. Just letting you know...you know. There are some people out there who understand. And I wanna help, I really, really do. You're doing SO good. I mean, my god, three days ago you were throwing up in the bushes and denying being a faggot, and here you are, said you're gonna stop drinking, and I'm about to put you on that bed and make you scream. You're doing SO good."

Nick laughed, he couldn't help it. "And it sounds like I'm going to be doing even better, soon," he commented. "It's still not going to be easy ... I'm gonna backslide about the drinking sometimes, I bet, and when the time comes to tell people that ... that I'm gay? I'm probably gonna freak. But not with you ... you make everything easy, Joey. You make the decision so easy. I couldn't choose *not* to be with you, it would've been impossible."

Joey smiled at that, and it lit up his whole face. "That's just about the sweetest thing anyone's ever said to me," he admitted, maybe even blushing a little. "I like making it easy, for you. And helping. So if you freak, I'll tell you dumbass jokes till you're not freaking any more. And I won't be drinking any more either, if that helps, though I *will* take drinks out of your hand if I see 'em there. Anyway, yeah. I think we're both gonna be doing better." His hands snuck under the back of Nick's shirt. "Soon."

"We're almost finished talking for now, huh," said Nick, leaning even closer to him and licking his lips. "This weekend ... is going to be an experience, Joey. I think I'm going to love it and be frustrated and freaked out and then love it some more. And if I can make it through it -- with everyone knowing I'm with you, and with not drinking at all -- well, I can do anything. Right?"

"This weekend is gonna be wild," Joey agreed, still smiling. "And you can do anything anyway. I figure if *we* make it through intact, we'll be like the indestructable couple. I hope you love it, because if you're miserable I'll kick myself in the head." He watched Nick's tongue, then bent in and licked Nick's lips for him. "Yeah, we're almost done talking now."

"We can talk again after," whispered Nick, his tongue darting out, to lick back at Joey's mouth. "After you go downstairs to eat a piece of the leftover pizza in the fridge, and then try to sneak back into bed without me noticing but end up waking me up when you tangle your cold feet with mine. We can talk then."

Joey leaned back, looking startled. "OK, strange psychic boy, your powers are scaring me, now." He grinned. "Only thing is, my feet will always be cold. They just always are. It's a thing. And I think I probably won't want to talk much then, either. Naked Nick and talking? These things do not go well together." He slid his hands higher up Nick's back, fingers hot and soft. "Speaking of which," he murmured, circling his hips lightly against Nick's.

"Now would be a good time, yeah," Nick agreed breathily. "And I can live with the cold feet. In the literal sense, anyway." He looked over his shoulder at the bed. "We could be there right now. That way I wouldn't have to worry about my knees giving out and falling onto my ass on the hard floor the next time you kiss me."

Joey sighed agreement, and backed Nick up until his knees hit the bed and buckled. Joey caught him, though, before he fell, and lowered him down, mouth on his throat, body covering his as they finally, finally made it. Nick's mind was swimming, a little...he couldn't quite bring himself to believe it, that this was his to enjoy. Joey was propped on his arms over Nick, licking and kissing his neck, up to his ear, nipping it lightly and then soothing the bite with his tongue. He was making happy little noises, too, noises that went right to Nick's gut.

"Wow," he said before he could stop himself, then felt a bit childish afterwards. He wasn't used to people who made him feel like everything was new, like he *was* innocent again. "Joey ... I." But he didn't need to say anything. There wasn't much he could say, he didn't think, that could communicate more than him reaching out, touching Joey back, tugging at his own shirt to start getting it off his body.

"Wow, yeah," Joey said, helping Nick eagerly, pushing his shirt up. "God, I really...I want you a whole fucking lot, right now." He grinned a little selfconsciously. Nick grinned back...he could tell, actually, with Joey sprawled on him like he was, hip to hip. It was sweet of Joey to say, though. Then his shirt was off, and Joey's was gone too, and Joey was staring. "Goddamn. Nick, I had no idea..." One hand reached out, and laid flat on Nick's chest. "Gorgeous."

Nick looked down at himself, surprised by Joey's exclamation. He wasn't bad but he'd never thought of himself as anything special, in that way. Not to someone like Joey, anyway. "Not to be crude," he said with a brief, nervous chuckle, "but I think I'm about to bust a seam here, Joey. I ... can't believe we're here, but we are and ... I need to shut up now." And then he waited, knowing that Joey would probably be happy to do something to help him with that.

"Don't you dare shut up," Joey said absently, still staring. "I like it when you talk, and you especially have to talk to me now, so I know what you like. I want to make sure it's good for you." His hand moved as he rolled off Nick, down to his waistband where he quickly undid the buttons of his pants. "So talk to me." He replaced his fingers with his mouth, kissing all around Nick's bellybutton, hair dark against Nick's white skin. "Mmm. Taste good." He was tanned and broad, shoulders bunching with muscle as he leaned over Nick, tasting him.

"You actually think I can talk when you're doing that?" Nick got out, half gasp and half laugh, letting his fingers casually run through Joey's hair. "Just ... just remember ... you have to talk to me, too. You have to let me know what *you* like." He stared down at Joey's back as he spoke; Joey looked so damn strong, like he could match Nick push for push, thrust for thrust.

"I like pretty much everything," Joey spoke into his skin, breath warm and damp and Nick arched up helplessly into the feeling, hoping that Joey would get that without him having to say. "I like fingering an especially lot. Feeling someone's hand, seeing someone take my fingers. Blow jobs are always a favorite." He sucked at the skin of Nick's belly hard enough to leave a mark. "Mostly I just love everything."

"That makes it easy," said Nick, but only after a long moment of just staring at Joey, his hand stilling in Joey's hair as he took in the words, said so casually as though the actual acts weren't going to be absolutely mind-blowing. He assumed. He couldn't imagine they wouldn't be; he couldn't remember ever liking anyone this much. Except maybe Jay, but even then it wasn't the same. "I can ... can do all those things. And a bunch more, too, that I can ... surprise you with."

"Oh, I love surprises," Joey said happily, pulling back and toying with Nick's zipper, making him shiver every time his fingers brushed Nick's erection. "You still gotta tell me what you like, though. Top, bottom? Anything you *don't* do? It's much nicer to get all that out in the open before, I think." He looked at Nick, seeming a little worried. "I'm not ruining the mood, am I?"

Nick smiled at him reassuringly, surprised Joey even had to ask. "No, absolutely not," he said, his fingers moving through Joey's hair again, slowly and softly. "If you're planning something kinky, we should probably talk about it first. Otherwise, I'm pretty flexible." He bit his lip, wondering how blunt he could make himself be. Joey seemed to be expecting it. "I dont like being taken from behind, much," he said finally. "At least, not without talking about it. That's probably ... maybe the only think you need to know, for sure."

Joey almost purred, pushing his head into Nick's touch. "Nothing too kinky," he breathed, mouth a little open. "Not now, anyway. Now I just wanna get to know you. Naked. Can I get rid of these?" He pulled the zipper down a little, stroking Nick through his pants, cupping him firmly. Nick almost bit through his tongue. "You can touch me, too, you know. I like it a lot."

Nick hissed, nodding enthusiastically at the same time. "Yeah. Please," he said, trying to wriggle out of them on his own but not getting far until Joey started to help. "I want to, Joey, I just hardly know where to *start*. It's like a banquet in my lap or something."

Joey pulled and tugged until Nick's pants were around his knees, then left them there. "I find it's easiest to strart at the top and work your way down," he commented, grinning up Nick's body into his eyes. "If you're looking for a starting point, that is." His hands stroked up Nick's naked thighs, skimmed over the cotton of his boxer briefs, and ended up gripping Nick's hips.

"And it's as easy as that, huh?" murmured Nick, reaching out to touch Joey's hair gently. "If I start at the top, sooner or later I'll touch you everywhere. It's a pretty good theory." His ran his hand down Joey's cheek, then stroked his thumb over Joey's lower lip. "So you've pretty much got me at your mercy here ... "

"Well, you *could* kick those pants off," Joey commented, kneading his hands lightly, not moving otherwise, half-sitting by Nick's waist. "Give you a little more mobility, that way." He leaned in and sucked briefly at the skin just under Nick's bellybutton. "Fuck. Your skin. Yes, please touch me everywhere." Nick noticed that his hands were shaking, just a little.

It took Nick a couple minutes to actually kick his pants off, leaving them in a tangled ball at the end of the bed when he finally did. He didn't want to take his hands off Joey's body, remembering what it had felt like when they were dancing together, all the heat that had built between them. That had probably been building all along.

"I might even touch you everwhere twice," he said with a grin, and ran his fingers down Joey's throat.

Joey's head tipped back, his eyes fell closed, and he made a little purring sound in his chest that made Nick smile with delight. Joey was just so responsive, moving into every touch. "Take...your time," Joey said. "Wouldn't want to have you missing any spots." His hands left Nick to work at his own jeans, undoing them roughly and pushing them down and off, and he moved back, slipping a leg between Nick's. "I think maybe...wow. Skin. I almost don't know what to do next."

"So now you know how *I* feel," said Nick, his hand roaming Joey's shoulder now, tracing the bones and muscles. "Too many things to try, not enough time to do them all. And ... we've gotten to know each other, kinda, but not like this." He lifted Joey's chin so he could meet his eyes. "Right? You, too?"

"Mmmm." Joey murmured assent, then moved up Nick's body until he was looking into his eyes. "I spent a long time wanting you. Now that I've got you, I want to do everything all at once." He let his hips settle gently against Nick's, and Nick felt heat and hardness and weight, and moaned, just a little. Joey kissed him, hard and wet, sending a shock through his body, and he sucked Joey's lower lip into his mouth, trailing his hands over the smooth heat of Joey's back.

"I'm flexible," countered Nick, feeling a dizziness that had nothing to do with alcohol this time, "but not *that* flexible. We might just have to do one thing at a time. Hope that's okay." He smiled into the next kiss as his hands moved further down, holding their bodies together at the same time as he was exploring Joey's.

"Smartass." Joey's voice was affectionate, and his lips curled into a smile against Nick's. "And I'm not. Very flexible, that is, so you'll have to take that into account too." Nick giggled as Joey's fingers hit a sensitive spot over his ribs, and Joey dug in again there, looking delighted. "Think we can get these boxers off now? I think I'm gonna want to keep you naked as much as possible." He grinned at Nick and ducked in for another kiss.

Nick kissed him back, hard, and murmured something that he hoped was "yes", or close enough to it that Joey would understand. "Want more," he agreed, definitely out loud this time, shoving at Joey playfully and giggling as Joey attacked his ribs again. "You're incorrigible."

"When it comes to you, yeah," Joey admitted cheerfully, heat in his eyes. "Can't get enough of you." With a quick move, he rolled to his back, taking Nick with him. His hands drifted down over Nick's hips, taking Nick's underwear with them, then returning to grab and pull Nick's hips down to his own. "Oh yeah," he gasped. Nick stared down at him, still startled by the sudden move, all of Joey sprawled out under him, legs tangled. "More, yeah. That would be good."

"Can I have a second to enjoy the view?" breathed Nick, reaching out towards Joey's chest but not, quite, touching him. "I need to draw you ... just like this. Not right now, just .. sometime. It's just so amazing."

Joey tipped his head back to the bed, looking at Nick through startlingly long eyelashes. "Look all you like. I can't imagine why you'd want to draw me, but anytime you like, you're welcome to. Wish I could return the favor, but stick figures are about as far as I go, and," he reached up and trailed a finger across Nick's collarbone, down his chest to circle a nipple that hardened in response, "that just wouldn't do you justice."

Nick opened his mouth to say something back, but ended up licking his lips and moaning as Joey touched him. "I ... how can you not know why?" he asked finally. "Because ... it's the best thing I can do for you, and I want to preserve this vision forever."

"Vision?" Joey's eyebrows flew up, and he chuckled. "Hardly that, I think. But you're so talented, I'm sure it'll be good, no matter what the subject is." He kept up his petting, letting his hand move down to Nick's side, then back up, palming that same nipple. "As for being the best thing you can do for me...that remains to be seen, huh?" He licked his lips, in echo of Nick's movement. "I'm glad you didn't cut your hair," he said suddenly. "I like it long, like that. Even more beautiful than before."

"I'm gonna do my best for you, Joey," said Nick, shaking his head at the compliment but smiling anyway. "I'm really going to try. I want this to be something. You're just ... too good to ever want to give up."

"Don't try." Joey kept smiling. "Just be yourself. That's more than enough for me." He reached up, muscles moving smoothly, and cupped Nick's head between his palms, drawing him down to his mouth. Nick went more than willingly. "It's already something," he whispered against Nick's lips. "Something really good. Now c'mere and kiss me more."

"You know what i mean, Joey," said Nick softly, looking at Joey's neck for a moment. "About .... you know. I just want to remind you that ... that I'm gonna try. Cause this is better." Then he kissed him again and closed his eyes and tried to forget about everything except for that moment.

"I know, baby." Joey's hands were soothing in his hair, slipping down his back. "I know you'll try. I'm so glad you will. You were startin' to scare me." His legs spread, and Nick's hips settled between them, his erection brushing the cotton of Joey's boxers. He felt heat coiling through him, making him shiver and relax deeper into the contact.

"Okay, we need to have sex now," Nick said decisively, taking his glasses off and leaning towards the edge of the bed to set them down, not quite reaching. "We really do, or you're gonna have pieces of me everywhere when I explode. And I'd hate for you to have to explain that."

Joey chuckled, letting him lean away and back. "The amazing exploding Nick? No thanks. I like you in one piece, actually. And it's so sweet of you, thinkin' of me like that!" His hips rocked up against Nick's, though, a slow rolling motion that had Nick's breath catching in his throat. "And the sex now? Best idea I've heard all night."

Once Nick's hands were free again he practically fell against Joey, bracing his hands on either side of him and hovering over his face. "You need to get naked, then," he demanded, forcing himself to be confident about this, *knowing* that Joey wanted him, wanted to be there. "And then you have to tell me how you want to do it."

"Yeah, definitely need to get naked," Joey breathed, staring into Nick's eyes as Nick rode the motion of his body. "And I want to do it like you want to do it. If that includes you fucking me very, very soon, I think I'd be awful happy about it." His hands scrabbled at Nick's back as he worked himself harder. "Gotta get these off before I come. Fuck. I'm embarrassing myself here."

"Not," countered Nick simply, moving off him enough to help tug Joey's boxers off, only tearing the seam a little as he did. Then he let go and let Joey finish the job, stopping to stare; he certainly didn't have to squint to see. "Nothing embarassing at all," he murmured.

Joey's cheeks flushed red as he tossed the boxers over the edge of the bed, though he grinned. "Good to know. And here we are, naked. Naked naked naked. Thank god, finally." He wrapped an arm around Nick's waist and pulled him down again, and Nick sighed happily at the contact. Joey's skin was warm, hot almost, and smooth, and caramel against his own paleness. "Now, about that having sex idea of yours..." Joey murmured wickedly.

"I'm pretty sure it was a mutual idea," said Nick, pressing his face into Joey's neck and squirming until he settled in between Joey's legs. "I was just a little more vocal about it. Now I think you said something about me fucking you ... ?"

"Yep." Joey spread his legs obligingly wider. "I did. And you didn't say no, which was very nice of you, and I'm really kind of looking forward to that." He arched his back, pressing his shoulders back into the bed, opening himself up. Nick was dizzy. It was all so relaxed, Joey was making it so easy and taking away the awkwardness that Nick remembered so well from other first times. "I'm all yours, baby," Joey murmured.

"I see that," said Nick, mostly to himself as he looked up and down Joey's form, close enough that it was clear to him. "Why don't you ... do me a favor here, so we can get started?" Slowly he brought his fingers up to Joey's lips, encouraging him to suck them.

Joey's mouth opened easily around Nick's fingers, and then they were sucked into soft wet warmth. Joey's tongue touched the tips, then swirled around them, as his eyes smiled up at Nick. Finally that wicked tongue pushed the fingers back out, and Joey licked reddened lips. "Mmmm," he sighed. "Tastes good. Wet enough now?"

"I think so," said Nick with a smile, moving to the side enough that he could get his hand between Joey's legs. "I guess we'll find out, huh?" His fingers felt very slick; Joey had known exactly what he needed.

Joey's eyes closed slowly as he lifted one knee up along Nick's side, giving Nick access. Nick held his breath as he brushed past soft skin and coarse hair, found what he was looking for, and rubbed lightly. Just testing the waters, so to speak. Joey yelped a little, happy-sounding, and pushed his hips back and down demandingly. Nick glanced up at his face, away from his hand, and even a little blurry, Joey's expression was blissful. "Yeah, right there," he breathed. Like Nick needed any more encouragement.

"Okay," he murmured, though a verbal answer clearly wasn't needed. It had been a little while but he certainly hadn't forgotten how to do this, and he gently pushed the tip of one of his fingers inside Joey's body. He was still exploring, still testing Joey's body to see what he could take, what he *wanted* to take ... and as Joey pushed back against him he realized that what Joey wanted was more than Nick was currently giving him.

Two fingers were met with an enthusiastic "yes yes yes," from Joey, who then clapped a hand over his mouth, though his eyes were twinkling over it at a startled Nick. "Sorry," he said, muffled, "don't mean to be pushy. But-aaaaaah." Nick saw him bite his own fingers as he twisted the fingers deeper, curling them towards himself, feeling Joey's muscles relax around them. "Oh good, yes, very good."

"Be loud," said Nick, half request and half demand. "We're alone here and ... I want to hear you." He kept moving his fingers inside Joey's body, twisting them and spreading him and opening him up, wanting to hear him shout again.

"You don't want me to be that loud," Joey said fervently, still behind his hand, eyes wide and dark as they met Nick's. "OHgodohgod..." His back arched impossibly, heel digging into Nick's side as he pushed himself further onto Nick's fingers. "Told you I love this told you told you," he chanted, and Nick watched, feeling his eyes go wider and wider as Joey came apart with just his fingers moving.

"It's not like I have neighbors to scandalize," said Nick after a few moments, wishing Joey *would* be loud, just let himself go. Even just this much was so, so sexy. He pushed his fingers in all the way and spread them again, feeling the tightness, the stretch. "I think I could almost get off just watching this ... "

"Don't you dare," Joey breathed, finally letting his hand fall away from his mouth. "You promised you would-" his words got lost in a long and yeah, pretty loud moan, as Nick slid his fingers out carefully, and then pushed back in with three. "FUCK!" His hips actually left the bed and fingers of one hand dug into the muscles of Nick's shoulder, and he was panting now, little needy gasps that made Nick's stomach clench.

Nick almost said "shhhh" to keep Joey from worrying, but then was afraid he'd take it literally. "No, I *am* going to fuck you," he said instead, running the fingers of his other hand over Joey's stomach. "But I could ... from watching. And maybe we'll do that one day ... "

Joey blinked at him, looking dazed. "Yeah, I want that. Too. Later. Shit, I used to be able to talk." He scrubbed at his face with the hand that wasn't still clamped down on Nick's shoulder, though his hips still kept up their insistent push and roll. Nick held his hand still, absorbing what Joey liked, how his pelvis moved, what made him gasp. "S'been too long," Joey sighed, looking blissful as he fucked himself on Nick. "Missed this. You're making it so gooood."

"I think you're the one who's making it good," said Nick with a soft smile, even leaning in so he could see what he was doing more clearly. "You're so fucking hot. I don't know how we made it out of the club without me jumping you. I'm about five seconds away from it now."

"What are you waiting for?" Joey lurched up, grabbing one knee and pulling it almost to his chest, leaving himself even more open. "Nick. Come on. We're not in the club, you *can*. I *want* you to." He really did, Nick saw...teetering on the edge of control, if his eyes were any indication, and the way his leg was shaking, and the way he kept twisting against Nick's fingers. He was so, so hard, too, and Nick leaned down and breathed on him, and Joey's jump almost knocked him off the bed. "OK, cruel," Joey breathed.

"Not if I intend to follow through," murmured Nick, slowly pulling his fingers out of Joey's body and moving the rest of his own body in closer. "Which I do." His natural lubrication and a bit of saliva seemed like enough, the way Joey had already opened up for him. He made his way entirely by touch, lining himself up carefully to push inside. "Just ... just say the word, Joey."

"Word," Joey whispered, pulling him in with his hand and his leg and his body. "Come on in, Nick." Nick hissed a little at the feel as he sank forward into tight welcoming heat, closing around him like a fist. He wondered briefly if Joey was really ready, he was so so tight, and then he wasn't really thinking about anything, because Joey bucked up under him and he was in.

"Oh, *fuck*," he blurted out, squeezing his eyes shut for a moment. "Joey ... you're insane ... " But insane in the good way ... an insane that was making Nick feel incredible. "Just ... I need a sec ... so I can make it good ... "

"No, no, NOW," Joey grabbed at him, twining their fingers together with one hand and holding the nape of Nick's neck with the other. "You're already making it so good..." Joey's voice was higher than usual, strangely breathy. Nick's arms shook from holding himself up, holding himself back, when all he wanted to do was drive forward. But he couldn't hurt Joey.

"Okay, okay, okay," said Nick, over and over again, convincing himself more than Joey. He couldn't push forward any more than he already had, so he pulled out again, just halfway, then pushed in. It was slower than Joey had made him to do the first time, but he felt it more and he was pretty sure that Joey did, too. "Yeah, like that ... " he murmured, and did it again.

"Yeah," Joey echoed him, quivering and moving more slowly now, letting Nick set the pace. "Just right. Fucking perfect. Fuck, I knew you'd be good at this." He dropped a hand off Nick's neck, stroking his own cock gently as Nick moved. Nick pulled back again, almost couldn't do it, couldn't leave that wonderful place, but then he was pushing back in and it *was* perfect.

"Just pretty good instincts," said Nick modestly. There was no way he'd done this anywhere near as many times as Joey, but it didn't take all *that* much skill, just an idea of where you wanted it to be and how to get it in there and then your body took over the whole process. "Man ... yeah ... so fucking *tight* ... "

"So fucking *big*," Joey echoed, grinning, moving easily under him and not seeming to be in any discomfort at all. "And if that's instinct, fuck anyone who says this isn't natural..." The muscles in his abdomen clenched and held as he lifted his hips, changing the angle and gasping. He looked so hot, Nick thought, sweat-slick and glowing against the white sheets, red mouth and black hair and black eyes and Nick really needed to be kissed now, and he hoped he was flexible enough to get down there.

He pushed inside just as far as he could go and held himself there and just *leaned*, feeling his angle inside Joey shift a half dozen times as he did. "Fuck 'em all," he agreed and gripped Joey's shoulders and he was almost there, almost there, if Joey would just move a little closer ...

Joey licked his lips and almost did a sit-up, pushing back on one hand as he raised himself up to Nick's mouth. His weight pushed his body down, and Nick sank in deeper...he hadn't even known that was possible, FUCK, and then Joey was sucking on his tongue and licking his mouth and his whole body was one big happy nerve ending, sparking and flaring with pleasure.

"You shoulda let me have that second," he gasped out when his lips were free again, feeling swollen and raw and so good. "Now I'm just gonna come way too soon, and ... " But Joey wasn't even listening, was lying back down on the bed and angling himself toward Nick again and pushing up with his legs.

"Me first, me first," he muttered, and the way he was trembling and his muscles clenched, he did seem really close, one hand still stroking himself, and Nick tossed hair off his forehead and bit his lip and just let himself go the way he'd wanted to from the second he got his fingers inside Joey. His hips slammed forward and Joey grunted, taking it, and his hand speeded up and it was all fast burning need now, no need to be gentle any more, not with Joey making THAT sound now.

There was no way that this was hurting him which was relief enough to let Nick do it again and again because this sure as hell wasn't hurting *him* at all, either. "Oh Joey ... fuck ... Joey ... fuck ... " He wanted something to sink his teeth into as he came, turned his head to the side and came face to face with Joey's calf. Just exactly what he needed.

Joey howled as Nick bit down, and clenched all his muscles as he came too, all over his stomach and his hand, and collapsed down, limp, Nick's teeth still in his calf. Nick felt him go boneless, leg slipping off his shoulder and away from his mouth, body relaxing around his softening cock, head falling back to the blanket. He let his weight go off his arms, finally, sinking down to rest his face against Joey's chest, feeling the rapid heartbeat slowing down under his ear. He could feel it when Joey spoke. "Wow."

"Right," murmured Nick a few seconds later, the time between filled with heavy pants from both of them. "That's what I meant to say, only the sex blew my mind." He was still inside Joey and wanted to stay there until the last possible second before it started to get uncomfortable. "It was everything."

Joey's hands touched his hair, his neck, his shoulders, just petting lightly. Nick peeked up, and Joey's eyes were closed, a little smile curving his lips. "Wow," he repeated. "Blew more than my mind. I think I might be dead now." He shifted a little, wrapping his leg around Nick's and resting his heel behind Nick's knee. Nick wondered if they were going to stick together, and then realized he didn't care. "So amazing, Nick."

"Don't remember the last time I had sex like that," Nick admitted quietly, pretty sure that would come as no surprise to Joey. He already knew so much about Nick, after all, and had probably guessed more. "So tired ... you broke me ... "

"The breakage is mutual." Joey's voice was soft. "The tired too. We gotta get cleaned up just a little, though, baby." He made no attempt to move, though, and Nick rested contentedly against him, basking in the best afterglow he'd felt in a long, long time. "I'm glad it was good for you too. I was hoping so hard it would be."

"I knew it would be," said Nick, finally shifting his hips and pulling out, now that he wasn't hard at all anymore and was starting to feel a bit clammy and sticky. The rest of his body, though, left cuddled with Joey's "You and me, we're like ... like fire. I knew it would be good."

"Baby's on fiiiire," Joey sang lightly, pulling him further up his body and tucking Nick's head under his chin. "Gonna throw him in the wat-ter..." He dropped little kisses into Nick's hair, and wrapped his arms around, and Nick felt warm and so so safe. "I wanted you so bad," Joey mentioned, laughing a little. "I really didn't think I was gonna last till we got to the actual fucking part. Like, I've been walking around with a hardon since the last time I was here."

Nick grinned at him, even though he was sure it would go unseen. "That's ... so hard to believe," he admitted, "what with you seeing what you've seen and ... knowing me. Exactly like most other people *don't* know me."

"Well," Joey sounded puzzled, "that's WHY I was walking around with a hardon. I think you're gorgeous, but even I've got the self control to not go lusting after straight boys. Well, too much. The potential was there, and it was like, BAM, hello little Joey." He snuggled Nick closer. "I think I'm gonna have to ask my mom for a seperate bedroom for us. You make me scream."

Nick was still smiling, feeling excited even at the same time as he was feeling anxious. "We can tell each other we're beautiful in the morning, how about," he suggested, kissing Joey's neck gently. "And ... at least she's gonna know we're together, cause I'm not sure I'd want to have to keep from touching you all weekend."

"I don't think I COULD," Joey said simply. "Not with you right there within touching distance and everything. Good thing I'm gonna call and tell her tomorrow. She'll have time to tell Doris and Gino they're gonna be sleeping in the den." He sighed and shifted. "OK, getting sticky and gummy now. We need water and then you need to get your PJs so we can sleep." Nick could almost hear the grin. "I'm looking forward to the pac-man. I only got to see stripes, last time."

He had to laugh. "You're not going to die of the cute?" he asked, letting Joey pull away only because he knew that he was right, and that they would both sleep better -- and probably closer -- if they cleaned up first. "I'll make sure to pack them for this weekend too, then, so your whole family can see Nick Carter in pac-man pajamas. And see *you* react to them."

"Oh man." Joey let him go as he sat up, but kept a hand on him at all times. "You're just gonna ruin my manly rep, you know that? When they see me all puppydog around you and those damn pajamas. That's if I don't die of the cute first." He sat up behind Nick, swinging one leg around so that Nick was cradled between his spread legs, back against Joey's sticky front. "Worth it, though," Joey murmured into his hair, kissing the back of his neck. "You can turn me into pathetic mush any time, jammies or no jammies."

"Well, then I guess they're going to have to get used to it sooner or later, huh?" said Nick, feeling better about his own sappy feelings about Joey once he knew they were returned like that. That there was more to it than Joey wanting to take care of him and sleep with him. "We're totally going to upstage your cousin. You know that, right?"

"Oh, probably," Joey said carelessly. "For like, the first day. I don't think you quite understand what Italian families are like, about weddings. We're talking obsessed. The president of the US could show up with a boytoy on his arm, but the minute that dress goes on that bride, he'd be asked did he want to help carry the garland and could he move out of the way, there?" He shrugged, and Nick felt it go through him. "I never liked him anyway."

"So you've said," said Nick, snuggling in a little closer. Even if they were a little sticky and crusty, Joey was still warm and comfortable. "Something about comics? I can't remember ... I was, um, kinda out of it that night ... "

"Yeah, he used to steal my comics. And get me in trouble all the time." Joey chuckled and squeezed him, then pushed him gently away. "I'm not helping with this whole plan of getting cleaned up, huh? We need to get off this bed." He frowned a little as he moved to the edge of the bed. "How much of what we talked about that night *do* you remember, Nick?" He didn't sound accusing or angry, just curious.

"Enough," said Nick, not realizing how defensive the question had made him until after he'd snapped the answer out. He just hoped it wasn't too late to backtrack. "Most, I think, if I *think* about it hard enough. I certainly remember the puking."

Joey's eyebrows shot up, and he looked at Nick carefully. Nick winced. Too late. He should have known Joey wouldn't let that pass.

"Yeah, the puking was a high point. I wasn't actually being an asshole, there, Nick, just wondering if you remembered some of the shit we talked about so I wouldn't repeat myself."

"Well, if I've forgotten, then i guess I wouldn't know it," said Nick softly, staring down at his hands. "I don't think it's bad, Joey. I remember a lot. I remember things we said to each other. Especially later on in the evening, which I guess, um, makes sense. You probably didn't tell me anything important before then anyway; you knew I pretty much wasn't in any shape to hear it."

"No, most of what I said before was along the lines of 'no more beer, Nick,' and 'drink more water, Nick.'" Joey moved away from him, standing up and chuckling shortly. "God, I can be a bossy bastard. Anyway, the reason I was asking is that I wanted to know if you could leave with me on Friday. If you remembered when that was when I was going."

"Oh," said Nick, still softly, nodding. He'd been sure -- was still sure -- there was more to it than that. "Yeah, I'm on my own time 'til middle of next week, at least. "I can do whatever. 'Slong as I remember to go see AJ before i leave town, since I promised and all and i haven't, yet."

"Tell him I say 'yo,'" Joey said over his shoulder as he walked, limping a little and still naked and apparently not caring, towards the bathroom. "You should tell him. You know, about stopping, and stuff. Me, if you want to. I bet he'll be wicked happy for you. Might even stop that preaching that bugs you so much." Nick heard the water running, and sat still on the edge of the bed, not sure what to do. It stopped, and Joey re-emerged, washcloth in hand. "For you," he said. "Didn't look like you were all about moving right then."

"No, I wasn't," mumbled Nick, his mind running off in a bunch of directions. "I don't know if ... how to talk to AJ about it. You'd think he'd be the easiest, right? But I think he'd be the hardest, because it would become this big deal and I just want to ... want to have it happen quietly. i know it kinda can't ... but that doesn't make me stop wanting it." He looked up at Joey, seeing his blurry form approach, and reached out for the washcloth. "What *did* you say to Howie, Joey? Seriously. It's ... kinda making me paranoid."

"Nick," Joey came close enough for Nick to see his serious expression. "I don't think it's gonna happen unless you've got their support. You can't do it by yourself, and you can't do it quietly. What, next time Brian offers you a beer, what are you gonna say? Not telling them...it feels kinda like you're not committing to it. And AJ *knows* what you're going through." He handed the washcloth over, and plopped down next to Nick with a sigh. "As for what I told Howie...it wasn't nothing big. Just said that if he offered you another drink I was gonna take steps. Nice and vague." He leaned into Nick's shoulder, eyes following the cloth as Nick cleaned himself up, feeling a little shy about the whole thing.

"It's not the same thing, as with AJ," he protested again, not meeting Joey's eyes. "AJ had a problem." He ran the cloth too many times over his skin, leaving it a little red and raw, but he didn't even notice until he started to feel the sting of it and realized what he'd been doing. "I know I have to say something. Just ... I dunno."

"You have a problem too. You even said so. Don't go changing your mind about that, not when it was the biggest step you've taken yet." Joey's voice was still soft, but unyielding. "You said it. You can't just drink a little. That's a problem." He gently took the cloth from Nick, stopping the repetitive motion. "It's easy. Well, maybe not easy, but simple. You just tell AJ that you've stopped drinking. You don't have to go into reasons or explanations. He'll understand." Joey kissed his bare shoulder, and Nick shivered as his goatee tickled sensitive skin. "Then you tell the other guys the same thing, so they understand. And then you call me. It'll be ok, Nick, I swear."

"Definitely not easy," said Nick, still looking away from Joey's eyes. "I can't even ... I don't even know how to do what I'm doing. I mean ... the concept is easy, to stop, but ... the execution. That's something else, I think." He took a deep breath and let it out slowly, wishing it *was* that easy, when he knew it wasn't going to be. "I'll go see AJ tomorrow then. You'll be around? For after? Because I will have to go into reasons and explanations, Joey. That's just how it is, with AJ."

"I'll be here," Joey said. "And see, what you're talking about? The execution? That's where AJ can help you out. And me. He can tell you what he does to distract himself when he wants a drink, how he gets through it. Even if you can't use his way, it might give you some ideas. Because tomorrow's gonna be rough." He looked right into Nick's eyes, and Nick wondered what he saw there. "And the day after's gonna be even worse. But I *know* you can do it, and I'll be here to help."

"Well, you can start by not telling me how hard it's gonna be," said Nick, braving a tiny grin. "I know it's gonna be hard, Joey. I probably don't know how hard it's gonna be, but I know it's gonna be hard. And i know i'm probably going to disappoint everyone a time or two along the way, which might be even harder." He ran a hand over his face, allowing him to close his eyes again for a moment. "Joey," he said in a too-small voice. "Joey, I don't want to admit to AJ what's going on with me."

"Oh, baby, c'mere." Joey pulled him against his chest again, so his head was on Joey's shoulder, and he was almost in his lap. "I know it's hard. It's gotta be so hard for you. But you're strong, you can do it. AJ told you guys, right? And Justin told us, though we kinda knew already. I'll bet they know, at least a little. And you told me. I mean, I was almost a stranger. They're still gonna love you, Nick." He petted Nick for a moment. "Why are you scared to tell AJ?"

"AJ didn't tell us for a long time," said Nick, struggling to keep his voice even now. "We all knew already, it was so bad, Joey. I don't ... I'm not *scared*." But that came out defensive, too, and he knew it, and that was all wrong. "I'm just ... I don't want him to jump to conclusions. I don't want him to think i'm alcoholic or something."

"Nicky..." Joey's voice sounded a little sad. "Nick, you are an alcoholic." He held Nick hard as he pulled away in instinctive protest, and didn't let him speak. "You are. What do you think it means, to have a problem with alcohol? It's just a euphemism. And stopping now, instead of when it gets as bad as AJ...that's great, Nick, that's such a good thing. You think he doesn't know already? That he can't see the signs? I can't imagine any other reason that he'd be 'preaching' at you all the time. But you shouldn't be scared. Admitting it like that, to your boys? That doesn't make you weak. It makes you really fucking strong."

Nick just closed his eyes and focused on his breathing, hearing the words he never wanted to hear directed at *him*, and by someone who would know. He liked his euphemisms, they made things feel better. Easier to handle. Less ... significant. A 'problem' was something that could be fixed and then go away.

"Okay, yeah, a little scared," he finally admitted, his voice surprisingly scratchy. "And I don't feel strong. At all."

"You are, though." Joey kissed him lightly, chastely, and Nick sighed, not quite able to believe him, though Joey sounded so sure. "You're very strong. And it's ok to be scared. It's scary. I'm scared sometimes, that I won't be able to help, that I'm doing it all wrong or making it worse. And I'm scared because, I won't lie, you're gonna be fucking miserable for a while, and I don't wanna see you that way. If I could do it for you, I would." Joey kissed him again.

Nick sighed, and it was louder than his voice had been. "Maybe we're making this into too big of a deal," he said hopefully. "Maybe it'll be ... it'll be nothing. It'll be fine. And then I wouldn't have to say anything, right? It would be like things were never bad ... it would all just go away."

"Oh..." Joey's mouth touched Nick's shoulder, and Nick felt him breathe deep for a little while. "Baby. Wish I could say that was gonna happen. But...we're going to take it one step at a time, right? Maybe...maybe you weren't drinking as much as I thought, and it'll be easier than I think. But no matter what, it's not gonna just go away. And you still need to tell them. Remember how hard it was for you to say no to Howie and Lance tonight? They need to know, Nick, if you're going to stop for real." He moved, suddenly, back up onto the bed fully, taking Nick with him so they were propped against the headboard, almost lying down. "We can figure out how you feel in the morning, ok? And I can take you to see AJ if you want. Though you might wanna call him and reschedule for Thursday. I don't think you're going to want to do much, tomorrow."

"You know you're scaring me a little, right?" said Nick, trying not to sound as nervous as he felt. "He's not expecting me tomorrow anyway. Just ... some time, before we go to New York. So ... so if you want me to yourself tomorrow, I'm all yours." He chewed on his lip as Joey pulled him closer, wishing he could pull his cocky self out of somewhere and use him to deal with this whole thing.

"I'm not trying to scare you," Joey said softly, hanging his chin over Nick's shoulder. "Just. I'm never gonna lie to you, or tell you nice things that aren't true. When it'll be hard I'll tell you, when it'll be easy I'll tell you that too, and you'll be able to believe me every time." Joey flattened a palm on Nick's stomach, and Nick felt himself calming under the touch. "I'm happy to have you to myself tomorrow. And if it's a bunch easier for you than I think it will be, we'll still have a day of doing nothing, lounging around and being bums. Maybe I can watch you paint."

Nick nodded slowly, rolling even closer to him. "Okay," he said. "You'll stay here and borrow my clothes and keep me company and we'll stay in. And ... what happens happens. We'll get through it. And then on Thursday, well, I guess I'll have a better idea *what* I need to be telling AJ, right?"

"Right," Joey agreed, though Nick got a pretty clear impression that he was humoring him. "We can figure it all out tomorrow. And I can help you toss your stash, and yes, that includes cooking wine, and we can wear out that big-ass TV you have downstairs. I can make you lasagna. And you can wear your PJs all day. It'll be great!" Nick had to grin at the enthusiasm in Joey's voice.

"Joey, I'm not going to start guzzling cooking wine," he protested, but he knew that Joey was serious, and that first thing in the morning it would be gone. And he had to accept that, deal with it. Deal with all of it. "Um. Speaking of PJs ... hope you won't be disappointed if I sleep naked tonight, cause I really don't want to move all that much now."

"Hmmm." Joey seemed to consider, but Nick could see his eyes sparkle. "Well, I guess it's ok. Just this once. Since you're already all bare and in bed and everything." He tugged the covers out from under them, and flipped them over, sliding down against the pillows with a happy sigh. "Fuck, I forgot to call JC. Oh well, he'll figure it out." Joey was almost mumbling now, eyes closed, smiling a little. "C'mere. Sleep with Joey." He curled into Nick's side.

"Like I have to be told to do that," said Nick with a soft laugh, all the bad stuff fading into the background again. He was sure when he woke up he'd wonder what the big deal was, anyway. "Night, Joey. This has been wonderful."

* * *

Nick let the door slam shut behind him, and instantly regretted it as the sound bounced back and forth inside his aching head, making him wince. The cool dimness of his entryway was a blessing after the sharp sunlight outside, and he just stood still for a moment, trying to pull himself back together. He needed a drink. He really, really needed a drink.

"Nick?" Joey's voice was distance, and Nick wondered with a flash of irritation why he'd asked Joey to stay while he ran his errands and went to see AJ.

"No, I'm here to rob the place," Nick muttered as he kicked off his shoes and hung his head and tried to slip through the house without being seen. A futile effort, but at least he was making one. And what could Joey have found to keep himself entertained this whole time anyway?

"Hey." Joey loped around the corner, smiling, clearly coming down from upstairs. "What's up, baby? How'd it go?" He went to hug Nick, and Nick found himself cringing away. He just really didn't want anyone *touching* him right then. Joey just smiled, and let his arm drop, and followed Nick as he wandered towards the kitchen.

"It went fine," he said finally, without elaborating, and hoped Joey got the hint. The last thing he wanted to do right then was relive the last couple of hours he'd been at AJ's. Or, if not last, then down near the bottom of his list. "Is there anything to drink in this place? I'm dying here."

"Yeah, I ran to the store and got some stuff." Joey swung the fridge open and looked inside. "OJ? I got Coke and Pepsi, didn't know if you were a Brit fan or more a Christina kind of boy. And there's milk, too." Joey looked at him inquiringly, reaching for a glass. "And it went fine? How did AJ react? You told him, right?"

"I told him," said Nick, keeping his sentences short. That wasn't the kind of drink he had in mind. "Coke. Pepsi. Something with caffeine. Whatever. What else did you pick up?"

"And what did he say?" Nick grit his teeth at Joey's determination, but accepted the red can anyway. "I got some groceries, some stuff for dinner, rented a couple movies. What do you want to do tonight? Oh, and did you get Brian's message? He called here, but the message he left said he was gonna call your cell." Joey swung the fridge shut after grabbing a glass for himself, and leaned a hip against the counter, watching Nick.

"No, I had my cell turned off," admitted Nick, taking a long gulp of the coke and slumping down at the kitchen table, still covered in scattered books and papers. "Not really hungry, Joey. AJ ... was AJ. It was what I was expecting. I said stuff, he said stuff, then i came home."

"You gotta tell me," Joey said gently, moving away from the counter and closer to Nick, touching his hair gently. "Just so I know where you're at, in your head. And what to do if I start getting threatening messages on my voicemail from Kevin or something. What did you tell him, exactly?"

Nick sighed and rested his chin on his hand, leaning on the table. "All right," he said defeatedly, though he recognized he hadn't put up that much of a fight. "Fine. Where do you want me to start, then?"

"Start at the beginning," Joey suggested. "That's always easiest. You had to go drop off that contract at Jive, right? And then you went right to AJ's?" He settled into the chair next to Nick's, close enough to touch but not crowding. "Did you just go to hang out? What did y'all talk about?"

"Yeah, we just hung out," said Nick, staring at his can of Coke. "Talked. About me, mostly, of course. And his therapist. Of *course* I had to hear what his therapist would think of all of this, and how much she'd told him about me. You know, i really get sick of that ... "

"So, tell him. Have you told him that? Maybe he thinks he's helping?" Joey leaned in again. "Sounds like his therapist's helping *him* a lot. He might just be trying to pass it on." Joey propped a hand on his fist, eyes never leaving Nick. "You talked about you? What about you?"

Nick sighed -- Joey was so damn *pushy* about this, couldn't he just let it alone, let Nick lie down for a while or something? "Joey, you *know* what we talked about. It's exactly what you think it is. I told him what's going on and ... we talked about it. A *lot*. Practically the whole time." He knew Joey was going to want to hear more than that, but he could damn well drag it out of Nick if he needed to know so bad. And he really wanted a drink. There had to be *some*thing around.

"No, I don't know what you talked about. Saying that you told him what's going on doesn't tell me much, Nick. Sometimes, hell, sometimes you tell me three different versions of what's going on in one conversation." Joey's voice was irritatingly calm, Nick thought. Why couldn't he be frustrated and yell? Then Nick could stomp off and hide in his room and see if Joey had missed the bottle behind the sink. "Did you tell him you stopped drinking? About me? You were gone for hours, that must have been quite a conversation." He stopped talking for a second, then went on. "Did it help at all, Nick?"

"I don't know," said Nick with a slight shrug. He hadn't really decided yet how he felt about it all, about what AJ had said to him, about what he said he would and wouldn't do. "So yeah. That's pretty much the first thing I told him. About the drinking, I mean. He was ... I dunno. Proud or something. Said he'd been hoping I'd do it. Which ... well of course it wasn't what i wanted to hear, but somehow i knew he would say it."

"Yeah." Joey smiled a little, still propped on his fist. "I thought he would be. You already know he was worried about you, though. Why didn't you want to hear that he was worried about you and that he's proud of you? Means he loves you, y'know."

"Because," said Nick, gesturing vaguely, then taking another sip of the Coke. "Because ... " Finally he looked up at Joey, met his eyes. "He was supposed to say something like I didn't have to. Or assume I was doing it for him. He wasn't supposed to know that I needed to."

"Nick, sweetheart." Joey's voice is almost aching. "Of course he knew. You weren't very quiet about it, you know. I know it's hard to realize that, but it's part of getting better. Figuring out that a lot of people knew, and were worried about you. And that they're gonna help you any way they can. WE'll help you any way we can." His eyes were warm, Nick thought, even though his mouth looked sad. "Nobody who loves you is gonna say, 'don't be silly, Nick, you don't have a problem, come out and have a drink with us.'"

"I was just having fun, Joey," said Nick, drinking some more of the Coke, all but draining the can. "I was just going out and ... having fun." Wasn't so fun now, though, that was for damn sure. "Well, like I said ... we talked about it. A lot. It was just ... I couldn't take it anymore, the talking about it. I think maybe he understood why I had to leave, though."

"You were having so much fun you didn't even notice when it stopped being fun," Joey nodded, fiddling with the tab of his own can, then taking a small sip. "I'm sure he understood. One more question, and then we can go chill, watch some tube, you can kick back a little. Did you tell him about us?"

Nick hesitated a moment; he'd been hoping Joey wouldn't bring this up again. "I'm sorry," he said softly. "I *wanted* to, Joey, I tried, but ... " He looked up at Joey again, apologetically, and bit his lip for a moment. "I'm really story. i told him there was *some*one, though ... and I'm pretty sure he understood it was a guy ... "

"It's okay." Joey reached out, and his thumb soothed the place Nick had bitten on his lip. "One step at a time, and there's no rush. Don't apologize, baby, you're already doing so good." He smiled, and Nick actually thought he meant it. "Do they at least know you're coming to New York with me this weekend? So they don't call out the FBI or Missing Persons or something?"

"Yeah, I told him I needed to get away for a while," said Nick, knowing Joey wouldn't miss the omission. "He seemed to understand that, too. Just told me to be safe. And that I can talk to him any time. And, I mean, I know that I *can* talk to him all the time, it's just that I ... can't. Yet."

"Mmmm." Joey pulled his hand back, folded both of them over his knee, and rocked a little in his seat. Nick found himself suddenly, blindingly jealous of how comfortable Joey looked. His head didn't hurt, Nick bet, and his hands weren't itching, and his stomach wasn't starting to roil. "You might want to let someone know, though," Joey went on, blithely unaware. "You know word's gonna hit the media, and do you really want them finding out like that? Who you're with, this weekend, I mean."

"I'll leave him a message," said Nick instantly, lifting one hand to rub his forehead. He'd thought about *that* at least, how he was gonna break it to them. "That you're looking out for me in New York. So he doesn't have to worry." Of course it was gonna hit the media; he hadn't even really thought that much about that. A lot of things might hit the media.

"Good." Joey kept rocking back and forth, like there was a soundtrack in his head, a beat Nick couldn't hear. "And when they stop by to say hi, you can just tell 'em I'm here to...steal ideas or something." He grinned at Nick. "If you want, I can call by boys and tell them to keep it on the down-low, if they happen to chat with any of yours. You do realize, though, that they're gonna figure it out eventually?"

Nick sighed and rubbed his forehead some more. "I know the will. And I want to tell them. But not ... not today. I'm just not feeling great, coming down with something, not feeling up to the questions and defensiveness and everything. When we come back, Joey, I promise. I don't want to hide you."

"I know. It's really okay." Joey stood easily and grabbed his hand. "C'mon. Third degree is over, let's get you comfy on the couch and pop a movie in. Oh, but grab some water first. Seriously, the more water you drink the less...what you're coming down with will hurt." He tugged Nick gently to his feet, pulling him into a quick, gentle hug and letting go immediately. "Get your water, I'll go get some pillows from your room."

"I don't want -- " began Nick, then just let Joey go and got a glass out of the cupboard, filling it with water from the tap. He was slopping water over the edges when he tried to bring it to his mouth, and before he even got it there it slipped out of his fingers and shattered on the floor at his feet.

"Fuck!"

A moment later, after staring at the broken glass and letting the echoes of his shout fade away, he just stepped over it and opened the fridge to see if there was anything in there. He was hardly even surprised to see that Joey'd stocked it with bottled water on top of everything else.

"Nick?" Joey sounded worried, and he came around the corner again fast, looking for the damage. "I heard a crash-oh." He looked at the broken glass on the floor, looked at Nick, and then herded him away from the mess with a hand at his back. "Go, sit down. I'll get this, no big deal. Go on. Do you want something to munch on, too, or just the water?"

"No, I can clean it up myself," said Nick, pushing back at him lightly. "I'm not that pathetic, Joey. I can ... " He put the bottle of water down on the table and turned back around. "*You* go sit down. I've got it. And ... no. Definitely not hungry."

"You sure?" Joey sounded concerned, way more concerned than the situation merited, Nick thought. "I don't think you're pathetic, just maybe a little shaky, yeah? It's natural, you know, since you haven't had a drink in a while. And you're gonna have to eat something eventually...maybe I'll make some soup or something later." He watched, moving back to the doorway, as Nick rummaged for the broom. "OK," he finally sighed. "I'm just gonna go get those pillows. Holler if you need me." Nick heard his footsteps heavy on the stairs.

Nick managed to clean it up, only getting a couple of small cuts on his hand from where he tried to pick up one of the larger pieces. Still, they bled like crazy and he ended up wrapping a paper towel around his hand to stop it. He knew it was probably going to look bad, when Joey came back down, but there wasn't much else he could do. And at least the glass and water were up off the floor.

"You ready?" Joey's voice startled him, and he spun around, then scowled at himself. No reason to be this jumpy, no reason at all. "I got everything in there. You won't have to move for a *week*, dude." Joey grinned at him from the door, then went serious as he saw Nick's hand, and sighed. "How bad?"

He walked closer, peering at Nick's hand like it might fall off. "Shit, my fault. I shoulda kicked you out of here, no protests."

"It wasn't your choice to make," snapped Nick, unwrapping the papertowel from his hand and taking a step back from Joey. "Look, it's just small, it just ... it wouldn't fucking stop bleeding is all. So you don't need to be like that. I got the job done, didn't I?"

"Yep. Did a good job, too." Joey stepped back, looking a little wary, and Nick scowled harder. "As long as you didn't get any glass in there, you're good. Um. Movie? Grab your water? You need anything else from in here? There's advil by the couch, too, if your head's hurting."

Nick rubbed his forehead as soon as Joey said that. "Flu or something," he muttered, snatching the bottle off the table. "I'll be all right. What ... um, what movies? Did you get?"

"Not flu. Withdrawal. You're detoxing, Nick," Joey said over his shoulder as he wandered into the living room. Nick followed. Joey had been busy, it looked like. His big couch was a nest of pillows and blankets, looking like heaven and so soft. The lights were dimmed and easy on his eyes, and he was suddenly exhausted. "I got 'O Brother Where Art Thou' and 'So I Married an Axe Murderer' and 'Star Wars.' I didn't know what you liked, but I figured nothing too downer." Joey settled down at one end of the couch, and grabbed a little white bottle. "Advil? Only take two, or you'll puke."

Nick nodded his head and held out his hand for the pills, downing them with a gulp of the water. "I want my pajamas," he blurted out as he looked at the couch and wanted nothing more than to just crawl right into it and stay there. "I'm just gonna -- " He gestured at the stairs.

"You," Joey said firmly, standing up immediately, "are gonna get on that couch and stay there. I'll go get your jammies. Stripes or pac man, or do you have a whole stash of 'em I haven't discovered yet? And do you want your contact stuff? Where did you leave your glasses?" Strong hands on his shoulders pushed Nick down to the couch, and he gave in without even thinking about it.

"They're in the bathroom," said Nick obediently. "Everything's in my bathroom. And whatever pajamas are clean, doesn't matter. I only keep comfortable ones. What's the point otherwise, right?" The blankets were so soft and he let himself sink into them.

"Exactly." Joey let him go, with a smile, and trotted away. Nick heard him on the stairs again, and thought blearily that if Joey kept this up he was gonna be in great shape, soon. "OK, stripes are on top, so that's what you get." Joey was back already? But Nick had just blinked once. "Come on, sit up. Think how shitty you'll feel if you fall asleep with your contacts in." Joey had saline solution and Nick's overnight case in his hands, and the PJs were draped over one arm. "Just keep moving for a little longer, Nick, and then you can curl up under the comforter and I'll sit with you, okay?"

"I'm not a child," Nick murmured, but it was kinda nice to have Joey take care of him like this. He changed into the PJs first, not even self-conscious about doing that in front of Joey anymore, then took his contacts out. He got the feeling he wasn't going to be putting them back in for a while. The glasses felt unusually heavy on his nose, but it wasn't so bad, and he was happy to be ready to crawl back into that soft nest again.

Joey watched, then took the contact case away and set it on the table. "OK, good. All done." Nick collapsed back, stretching his legs out a little along the couch, and Joey tucked the comforter up around his shoulders, smoothing his hair back off his forehead and frowning a little. Nick wondered why. "You're looking kind of pale, baby. How about you just crash out for a while, and I'll take care of the movie watching?" Nick felt the couch shift as Joey sat, and then the comforting weight of Joey's hand on his calf, stroking gently. He shifted his feet to Joey's lap, and turned his face into the cool pillow.

"I'm okay," he tried to tell Joey, but it was the first time all day he was actually feeling comfortable and he could almost sense himself drifting away. When he woke up again he was sure he'd be feeling much better. He probably only needed to catch up on a little bit of sleep.

* * *

"Down," mumbled Nick, groping at the excess blanket and trying to pull it over his head to block everything out. "Please ... Joey ... turn it *down*. And the lights. And ... stop breathing, or something." The blanket wouldn't quite stretch enough without him getting up to adjust everything, which he wasn't willing to do.

The sound of the tv suddenly cut off, and the couch shifted as Joey moved. The lights went even lower, and there was a cool hand on his forehead, and the blankets were tugged free of the tangle of his legs and draped back over him neatly. At least that's what it felt like; Nick wasn't willing to open his eyes any wider or move his head to find out. His stomach was a tight aching knot, his head was thick and heavy and throbbing. He couldn't remember a hangover this bad, not ever, and struggled to remember what he'd done the night before.

"Better?" Joey's voice was almost a whisper.

"No," he whimpered and clutched at the blankets, his hands shaky. "Fuck. I don't feel so good, Joey." The first thing on his lips was to ask for his mom which he never did, not since he was a very little kid. She'd never been the person in his life that made things better anyway. But that had been the instinct. "Hurts."

"I'll bet. You were out for almost four hours, that Advil's wearing off." Joey's fingers stroked over his hand, petting lightly. "Can you sit up and drink some water? You need to stay hydrated, that's the most important thing. And get some more advil into you for the headache. Can you, Nick?" Those gentle fingers slipped behind his neck, and he dared to crack his eyes a bit further. Joey was kneeling by the couch, at face level, and close enough for Nick to see that he was worried.

He sat up slowly, blinking a few times until his eyes were actually open. He still clutched at the blankets, keeping them wrapped around his body. "My glasses are gone," he noted, and wondered where Joey had put them, wondered when he'd taken them off. "Advil. Yeah. Thanks."

"Yeah, when you rolled over you almost smashed 'em." Joey held a blessedly cold glass of water and two pills out to Nick. "How you feeling? More specifically than 'not good?'." Joey was hovering, Nick thought, and was too exhausted to be upset about it. He was just grateful for the strong arm behind his back, and the fact that Joey's voice was soft.

"I'm pretty sure I'm going to die soon," muttered Nick, swalling the pills with a bit more difficulty than he would have expected. "I'm looking forward to it, actually. I hear it finally stops hurting when you do."

Joey chuckled low, and took the glass back, setting it on the table and letting Nick slump into his side. He straightened up almost immediately, though. His skin was almost painful, and he didn't want to touch anything. Not even Joey. "Yeah, but think how much I'd miss you. You don't want to do that, do you? And besides, this won't last forever. Once you sweat all the poison out of you, you'll feel so much better."

"You don't have to talk about it like that," Nick murmured, pulling the thick, soft blankets closer to his body again. it was the only thing that felt good. "I'm just ... whatever. What've you been doing ... when I was napping?"

"I watched two movies and I've been reading." Joey held up a book that Nick couldn't quite read the title of. "And I'm watching MTV. Did you know that Kid Rock and Carson are totally in love? Because they are. Pretty funny really." Joey inched up onto the couch at Nick's side. "Got any TV preferences? The clicker is yours, my man."

"I can't even see it anyway," said Nick, letting his eyes close for a few moments again, the lack of visual input a relief. But not as much of one as he'd hoped. "How can anyone love Kid Rock, anyway? How can anyone love *Carson*?"

"Good question." Joey cocked his head at the tv, relaxing back into the couch at Nick's side, thankfully still not touching him. "They're both just...well, you know. I can't see it. They're probably perfect for each other, though." He flipped idly through challenges, and Nick opened his eyes, curious despite himself. "Want your glasses? I can grab 'em for you."

"Yeah," he said, finally admitting to himself that he was gonna be awake for a while now and may as well do something with the time. This was so much easier when he was sleeping. "May as well. What were you readin' anyway? You bring something or is that one of mine?"

Joey leaned over him to reach to the coffee table, and handed Nick his glasses and the remote. "One of yours. I tried reading one of your texts, but it didn't make much sense to me, so I just grabbed a novel." He smiled, and Nick could see it now. "Didn't know you liked sci-fi."

Nick shrugged and started flipping through the channels, not stopping for more than a few seconds on any of them. "I guess," he said, but Joey's smile was infectious and he found himself giving him a faint one in return. "Okay, yeah. I do. And hey, I didn't know you did either." When he turned back to the TV, he was still smiling about it.

"It starts with a little Superman comic. They tell you it won't hurt anything..." Joey shook his head sadly. "Next thing you know, you're hip-deep in Heinlein and not looking back. I try not to tell people about it too much, since I'm already the band dork." He grinned at Nick. "You read any Neal Stephenson? Snow Crash? Oh, and watch me out myself even further..."

Nick's smile widened. "You obviously didn't check the bookshelves in the first bedroom," he said, finally stopping on some nature show that was nice and quiet and serene and setting the remote aside. Though with his luck, a lion was going to pop up out nowhere and let loose a roar that would trigger the return of Nick's blinding headache. "You only found the stuff I had in the front hall, right?"

"Yeah, I didn't go snooping through your house or anything. Just looking for something to read." He held the book up again. "See? Classic. Dune. I love this book." He smiled at it fondly. "I even liked the movie." His eyes drifted to the tv, and he looked at Nick and grinned. "The secret life of meerkats? Wow. There's some fascinating television."

"Hey, you never know what you might learn from a meerkat," said Nick, peering at the television and wondering for a moment just how Joey'd known what they were watching. "And ... I have a copy. Of Dune. The extended version. If, you know, you get the urge to watch next time I drop off on you ... "

"Oooh, director's cut!" Joey bounced a little, then looked at Nick, guilt clear on his face. "Sorry, didn't mean to joggle the head. Oh! And I made chicken broth for you. I remember when Justin...well. It was the only thing he could keep...well, he ate it for a couple of days. It's good for you, lots of protein, easy on the stomach. You didn't have breakfast, it's almost eight pm now...you ready to give it a shot?"

"Really not hungry," said Nick, his smile fading as he thought about it. As he was reminded of how Joey was thinking of him right then. "Maybe tomorrow or something. I'll just sit here for a while. You eat, if you want."

"I know you're not hungry, but man...you really need to get something in your stomach besides painkillers and water. Trust me?" Joey batted long eyelashes at him, and Nick felt the corners of his mouth twitch. "It's no fun eating without you anyway. I'll get you soup, and me soup, and put in...ohhh, you're a sci fi freak like me!" Joey's eyes lit. "I gotta see your movie collection!"

"Does that mean I have to get up?" he asked softly, giving in already. Because anything that had the potential to make him feel better might be worth the effort, even though just the idea of food wasn't sitting too well with him. "I can show you the movies, all my DVD's are in the cabinet there. You'd have to go up to the bedroom for the tapes, though, i don't keep them down here anymore."

"No, just shout directions to me." Joey climbed out of the blankets-nest again, struggling as an afghan tangled around his foot. "Shit! OK. Point the way, Obi-wan. I think we can do movie, THEN soup. Or at least start movie, then get soup. You know what I mean." He crouched down beside the cabinet, and opened the door. "Ooooooh."

"Looks like you didn't need to many directions," said Nick, happy to watch him instead of the television for a while. "It's not like I have a whole bunch of cabinets in here or something. There's a pile on top of the player, too, but you probably already saw that. That's just stuff I watched lately and was too lazy to put back. And I think there are a few upstairs from this party I threw ... "

"You were showing movies at your party?" Joey glanced up with a grin. "Which ones? And why wasn't I invited? Oh, hey, 'Pitch Black.' We are so watching this. I haven't seen it since the theater." He popped the disc in, and stood, stretching his back with a pop. "Mmmmm. Couch bad, standing good. OK, I'm getting soup. You want anything while I'm up?"

"No, I'm fine, I still have water," said Nick, cocooning himself in the blankets again. The headache had subsided to a dull throb, and he thought he could probably handle watching the movie all the way through. "And ... um ... it's the porno, that's upstairs. And 2001, I think. I mean ... I think I remember it playing up there. I dunno. Doesn't matter, i guess."

"Good porno?" Joey inquired brightly. "Fun porno? Or bad everyday porno? Because I gotta tell you, after so many years in hotels, I am a porn *connoiseur*." Nick ducked his head into the pillow, grinning. "Yeah, smile, boy. You know you are too. I'll go hunt down the others too. We can have a total sci fi movie marathon, totally geek out, and then you can tell everyone you're dating the world's biggest nerd who has the hots for your sexy mind." Joey grinned at him, and wandered to the kitchen.

Nick stretched out along the couch while he waited, but he realized he was smiling the whole time. He was miserable as fuck but it was still good to have Joey around. Because apparently he *was* the world's biggest nerd and Nick liked him that way, didn't want him to ever change. Except maybe the pushy thing, once in a while.

"Uh-oh." Nick looked up, and Joey was standing behind the couch, bowls and spoons in hands, eyes fixed on the television. "They're so boned." Nick glanced at the disintegrating spaceship and had to agree. "Oh, and here's your soup. Take one of these, would you?" He handed it to Nick, who was forced to take it or leave Joey stranded with his hands full. The bowl was warm in his palms, and it was steaming. Joey settled beside him, crosslegged and sipping at his soup, still seemingly totally focused on the movie.

Nick stirred his soup with his spoon and tried to convince himself to take a bite, but hadn't managed yet. So he looked at Joey instead, watched him actually enjoy the soup and get so wrapped up in the movie Nick wondered if Joey even remembered he was there. "AJ bought this for me," he said finally, keeping his voice quiet. "He likes getting me stuff that keeps me at home."

Joey glanced at him sideways. "He got you what? The DVD player, the movie, the couch? Whatever it was, tell him he's got good taste. And decent motivation." He sighed and set his bowl on the floor, leaning back turned a little, so he could see Nick. "I think I'd like to meet AJ. Not meet, we've met, but, you know. Hang out a little. Sounds like he loves you a lot. And Nick, come on. One bite?"

Nick stared at the soup and finally lifted the spoon to his mouth. It went down smoothly enough, and he even managed another before lifting his head to give Joey a shy smile. "The movie," he clarified. "He got me a bunch of them. I guess ... we never talked much, about his first days of rehab. I should have asked him more about what this would be like, huh? I just didn't want to ... " He took a third bite of the soup to keep from having to finish the thought.

"Yay!" Joey cheered softly. "Two bites! Go for two more!" He paused, sobering a little. "Yeah, you might wanna...I mean, I've seen it. I was there, but I've never done it myself, and it's different for everyone, I think. Detoxing, I mean. But like I said before, you should definitely talk to him about how he felt. How long it took, and how he felt and stuff." He shrugged, and stared at Nick's bowl. "You didn't want to before because you weren't ready to deal with your own issues. Now you are. It makes all the difference."

"I meant today," said Nick, managing another bite. He still didn't feel hungry, but the soup wasn't repellent either. "I should have asked him more today, but I was too busy all downplaying it. He knew better, though, I know he did, just the way he was looking at me. It was awkward. " Joey was still watching him expectantly so he kept going, both with the explanation and the soup. "I'm not sure I'm ready now, either, Joey."

"It's ok. He's not going anywhere." Joey looked at his hands for a moment. "Would you...I mean. I totally won't if it would be weird, but like, would you mind if *I* talked to him? I mean, he knows how to do this right, like they do in rehab. And I know the next couple of days are gonna be rough, for you, and I want to be able to help, you know?" Joey frowned. "Though I guess I'd have to tell him why I was asking. Never mind."

"Just let me talk to him first," said Nick after a moment, chewing on his lip and setting the spoon down in the bowl of soup. "Just give me the phone and let me tell him about us and then ... then you can talk to him, Joey. And, um, figure out how to keep this from fucking killing me. Yeah, I think I could get behind that."

"You sure?" Joey's eyes were warm on Nick. "You just said you weren't ready. It's ok if you're not, I can muddle through, I bet. And it won't kill you, you know. You'll make it."

"No, it's a good reason," said Nick, looking down, away from Joey's eyes as he figured the whole thing out for himself. "I'll tell him and then I'll tell him I don't want to talk about it yet and then ... then I'll hand him off to you. Not that I don't want to talk about you, just ... next week."

"Okaaay." Joey still looked doubtful, but grabbed the phone off the cradle and handed it to Nick, taking the bowl away from him. "I just...I'm really not pushing you on this, baby. You're already changing so many things...I don't wanna pile one more thing on. But if you really want to, that's amazing." He grabbed Nick's hand before he could dial, leaned in and kissed his mouth lightly, the first time since that morning. "I'm proud of you, y'know."

Nick was surprised by the kiss, but it made him smile. "Don't be proud until I've done it," he told Joey again and took the phone from him. "And it's just AJ. The real test is gonna be the rest of the guys. And my family." He cringed at that thought and decided that now *definitely* wasn't the time to deal with it. "Okay," he said, more to himself than Joey. "I'm gonna do this." As he was dialing, Joey gave him a brief kiss on the forehead then left to take his bowl back to the kitchen.

Nick's hands were only shaking a little as he dialed, and listened to the phone ring. It wasn't like he was scared of AJ or anything. It was just kind of a lot to deal with, and he was still tired and his body felt like someone had been beating him. But Joey was right, he knew. AJ could help.

"Speak." AJ's standard greeting, friendly as ever till he figured out who you were and what you wanted.

"Um. Hey," said Nick, still not sure at *all* what he was going to say to AJ. Or how. Or how much. "It's me. Um. Obviously. So ... what's up? How are you doing?" It was lame, so lame, but it was a start.

"Pretty much the same as when you flew outta here this afternoon. In other words, tired, horny, and worried about you." Nick could almost see the grin. "What's up, Nick?"

"Just. Um." His eyes shot up to the kitchen, to where Joey was, pretty sure Joey was giving him this time along to talk to AJ. "It's just. I have something to tell you. And." A sudden flare from the TV as the paused DVD shut itself down and a very bright commercial came on sent a spike through his skull. "Fuck, AJ," he blurted out, "this is really, really hard ... "

"Nick, hey." All smiles were gone from that voice now. "Hey man, you ok? What the fuck is that noise, anyway? Are you home? You didn't go out, did you? You calling me for a ride or something?"

"No, I'm at home," said Nick quickly, groping for the remote to turn the TV *off*. "I'm at home and I"m on the couch and Joey made sure I had lots of blankets and I'm comfortable and everything and ... everything *hurts*, so much, AJ. Parts of me I didn't even know I *had*, hurt ... "

"Aw, fuck." AJ's tone belied his words; he sounded almost pleased. "You're really doing it, fuck, yeah, Nick. Damn. You want me to come over? I've got-" He broke off, and Nick closed his eyes, waiting for it. "Wait. Joey? Joey who?"

"Um," said Nick, knowing the accusatory tone of voice he was hearing was entirely in his head. "Joey. Fatone. He's here with me and we're ... we're ... we're, you know. I know I kinda hinted before, when i was over there? Well. It's him. And ... and I needed you to know."

There was silence on the other end of the line for long moments, and Nick could almost hear the hiss of the open, empty line. He realized he was holding his breath.

"O-okay. Okay. Right. Joey Fatone from N Sync." AJ didn't sound angry or surprised or happy or anything. Just sorta blank, Nick thought, and wondered what that meant. "Joey Fatone is your new guy? Joey's into GUYS? Oh, I actually knew that, I guess. Huh. Wow. I'm not really sure what to say here, Nick. Congratulations? Don't give him advance copies of the new record?"

"He wants to talk to you," said Nick, not sure how to take the congratulations, not sure whether it was sincere or not. "About ... me. How to ... handle this, with me, and ... I said I wanted to tell you about us first." He chuckled nervously. "Had to tell you, I guess, but I wanted to, too. Tried to, before, but didn't quite manage."

"How to handle...oh." AJ paused. "He's helping out? That's...actually really cool. Audrey said that she was worried you'd try to do it alone, you know, if you ever figured out what was going on. She says you're too independent sometimes, you pull away from us when you should use us for support. Maybe because we treated you like a baby for too long. I'm glad you aren't, though. Like, even an N Syncer's better than nothing."

"He's a lot better than nothing," snapped Nick, defending him before even thinking about it. Maybe a little more because AJ felt the need to bring up what his therapist thought again. "I probably wouldn't even be trying, if it weren't for him. So ... be nice to him, okay, AJ? I ... " He blushed, even though no one could see, and absurdly thought that at least it would bring a little colour back to his face. "I really like him. For real."

"He's your motivation? For serious? Shit, Nick. Yeah, I'll be nice to him." AJ's voice softened. "And, besides getting yourself a big hunk o'Sync for a boyfriend, and then going all googly over him if I know you and I do, how are you doing? Are you feeling ok? Shakes? Is he treating you good? Does he even know how to help out?"

"He's given me some advil and water and made me lie down on the couch," said Nick slowly, fiddling the blanket in his lap. "And he made me eat some soup. And he dimmed the lights for me. And he drained every single fucking thing I had to drink in the place. So, if that's helping out, then yeah ... he's been good." He licked his lips, looked at the kitchen door again. "I dropped a glass. Broke it. I feel pretty fucking useless right now."

"Yeah." AJ wasn't nagging now, and Nick was pathetically grateful. He actually sounded...like he maybe understood. "First three days in, I couldn't even tie my own fucking shoes. And I didn't get out of bed, and I threw a mug at this guy because he wouldn't bring me a drink. So, sounds like you're doing pretty good, so far. And Joey, too. That's all the right stuff. Just make sure he's not doing everything for you, or when he goes you won't have anything you said you did yourself, you know? I know you gotta few hideouts. You should go empty them yourself. Bring him along to watch, but do it yourself, dude. That way it's not all him." AJ chuckled. "Make sure you tell him I said to treat you right, or I'll beat his ass in, and you know I mean it. Audrey says I'm giving you issues with this protective thing, but I just can't help it, y'know?"

"I know you can't," said Nick with a tiny, tiny smile. "Joey says you do it 'cause you love me. I'm ... I don't know how I'm doing. It's only been since last night and ... I can't believe this is fucking *happening* to me." He hid his face with his hand, as though that would keep AJ from seeing things about him that he didn't want him to see. "I don't know if I can do this, AJ. Joey keeps telling me I can, but ... I don't know ... "

"Hey, looks like Fatone has a brain after all, despite all rumors to the contrary." AJ's voice was dryly amused. "And he's even right. You CAN do it, Nick. You gotta believe that, or it's not gonna work. Like, get it set in your head that you can. I know what a stubborn little fucker you can be, just make it work for you here. And I KNOW it sucks, believe me, I know. But it gets better. Swear to god."

"I gotta take your word for that," mumbled Nick, "cause right now it feels like dropping dead would probably be better than this. Listen ... you wanna talk to Joey? I think he's hiding out in the kitchen, 'til he's sure I'm done."

"Does he really want to talk to ME?" AJ sounded surprised. "I thought that was just something to say to get the conversation rolling. Huh. Sure, I guess. But listen, K, you need anything, anything anytime, you call me, right? You feel like a drink, call me. Or bang Joey, I guess, but calling me's an option. OK? Promise me?"

"I promise," swore Nick, thinking now that maybe he would, that AJ was being good and ... non-condescending, about this. "And yeah, he really does want to talk to you. He asked me if I would be okay with it, which, I mean, yeah. He really wants to know how to do this. I ... I didn't think I'd be able to talk about it. I haven't, I guess, either. So he wanted to make sure we got through this okay."

"Yeah, I think you're doing all right. Just not having any more drinks makes it all right. Kinda wish you'd gone to a place, you know, but whatever. Your call, bro. I'm just glad you're taking the step. Put the guido on, would you? You sound like you need a nap."

"I wasn't gonna go to rehab," said Nick, surprised by the suggestion. "I didn't need to ... I mean ... no." He coved the phone with his hand and looked toward the kitchen again. "Joey?" he called out, loud enough to be heard but not so loud it hurt. "I'm done. He's all yours."

He could hear AJ sputtering something about rehab as he watched Joey come in from the kitchen, wiping his hands dry on a dishtowel Nick hadn't even known he had. It all struck him as weirdly domestic, suddenly, and he shook his head, then winced. Ouch. Headache. Joey cocked his head at him, raised an eyebrow.

"He wants to talk to me?"

Nick nodded, a lot slower, and handed over the phone even though AJ was still saying something on the other end. He didn't want to hear anything about AJ thinking he needed fucking *rehab*, right then. He had enough to deal with. "Yeah," he said finally. "I told him. He knows. You can talk to him about me and my fucking *problem*, now."

"Whoa." Joey held up both hands defensively, the phone in one, still. "Hey. Mostly innocent party, here, whatever he said to piss you off. And yeah, I'm gonna talk to him about your problem. Fuck, Nick, it's kind of a big issue right now, you know? What with you white as a sheet over there looking like you're a half second from passing out."

"I'm fine," snapped Nick, and he would've stormed off except there was no way he was going anywhere right then. "You guys both worry about me too fucking much, you'll love each other, I swear." Joey was still holding the phone away from his ear, and Nick could hear AJ saying things like "punk kid" and "rehab works" and "you'll understand in a few days".

Joey looked at him carefully, then spoke, slowly. "Excuse me. I'm gonna go talk to AJ for a minute, I'll be right back." He made his way out of the room, speaking softly into the reciever, laughing once and startlingly loudly before disappearing around the corner. Nick could hear his voice, but no words, and seethed.

Who were they to decide what was good for him anyway? First it was that he should cut down on his drinking, then he should stop entirely, then he should've checked himself into fucking rehab? And God only knew what they were planning for him *now*. He wished he could get out of there, go somewhere, but he couldn't even summon up the energy to get up off the couch, which meant he was left waiting there until Joey and AJ had finished their little chat.

"Yeah, ok." Joey's voice was getting clearer again. "Yeah. Oh, fuck off, you fucker." He laughed. "Yeah, I do. OK. You sure? OK. Yeah, thanks. I'll talk to you soon, man, take care." He strolled back over and handed the phone to Nick. "He wants to say goodbye," he said simply.

Nick just glared at him for a moment, then snatched the phone out of his hand. There wasn't much he could do except answer. "Yeah?" he said, and deliberately didn't sound too friendly about it.

"Nick, don't be a dick." AJ's voice was still friendly, but firm. "THIS is why rehab is a good idea, you can be an utter asshole to people who are paid to take it. Joey ain't gonna run, I figured that much out, but he's not gonna just take shit from you all the time either. It sucks, your moods will be all over the place, but try to rein 'em in just a little, 'kay?" Nick heard a faint voice in the background. "Now I really gotta go. But you remember, you call me anytime, right?"

"I know," said Nick sullenly, sinking further into the blankets. "I know. Go, have fun. You know where I'll be." He almost just hung up, except it was AJ and he was probably at least a little bit right, and deserved at least a goodbye.

AJ's voice softened. "Still proud of you, kid. You're doing the right thing, you are. You hang in there. I'll call tomorrow, maybe stop by. Be good."

"Like I have have a choice," he said with a sigh. "Bye, AJ. And ... thanks. I'm sure I'll be feeling better tomorrow."

"No, you won't," AJ said bluntly, "but soon. Bye." He hung up, and Nick was left staring at the phone, wondering why he couldn't find a friend who would fucking LIE to him, just to be nice.

Joey reached in and took the phone out of his hand, settled it back in the cradle.

"Well." He said, noncommittally. "That seemed to go well."

"What did you guys say about me?" asked Nick miserably, wrapping himself in the blankets again. "About how awful and pathetic I am? How I need someone to take care of me because i obviously can't do it for myself?"

Joey just stared at him. "Yes, Nick," he said finally. "We spent the entire time slamming you, because we hate and despise you and think you're a weak little worm, which is why we're so worried about you and trying to find ways to make you better." He shook his head. "Actually, most of the conversation was AJ telling me not to give you aspirin because it thins the blood, and then threatening new and creative ways to end my life if I harmed a hair on your pretty little head. Like I said, I think it went well."

"You were laughing," said Nick, closing his eyes as he nodded, wondering when he'd be able to take more advil. "I'm sure that's a good sign. Joey ... are you sure it wouldn't be a good idea to just give me one drink? Or maybe two? You'd be here, so you'd know I wouldn't have more, and it would make this so much easier ... I wouldn't be all useless ... "

"Absolutely sure." Joey's voice was iron. "You don't like feeling this way, right? Well, you have some drinks now and you gotta start all over, and it'll last twice as long. You drank so much your body got to need it, even though it was killing you. So, no. Not a fucking chance." He softened a little. "And you're not useless, you dork. You're just sick." He shrugged. "No big deal."

"Yeah, maybe not to you," said Nick, wishing he could cover his face, wishing he could hide. "This is hell, Joey, and you guys keep telling me that ... that it's not gonna be better for a while and that's fucking *scary*, and i just want it to ... to not be so bad anymore. Fuck. I don't know what to do."

Joey sighed, and moved around the couch, settling beside Nick and pulling him more or less onto his lap. Nick was so taken by surprise he went limp; Joey had been pretty hands-off all day. "C'mere," he said, and pulled Nick's head to his shoulder, letting Nick hide his face in Joey's soft shirt. He smelled heavenly.

"It won't be better today or tomorrow, no," Joey said. "And maybe for a while after. But it's not forever, or even really that long. And you know I'll help when I can. Don't be scared."

It still hurt a little, being touched, but it hurt less than *not* being touched. "Hard not to be," Nick murmured, his words almost getting lost in Joey's shirt. "Hard not to be when you finally figure something you thought was ... was nothing, really isn't, and it's way out of control and you don't think you can handle it now that you know what it is."

"I know." Joey rocked him a little. "But you can. You knew it wasn't nothing, you just hadn't admitted it. And then you did, and decided to change, and you can handle it. And you've got us, me and AJ and everyone, we're here for you whenever. You don't have to do it all by yourself, baby. We want to help." Nick sniffed a little, hoping Joey's shirt would hide the fact that he was maybe almost possibly crying. But he really really needed a drink, his hands and stomach and mouth just ached for one. "I don't want to need help," he whispered, but it was too late for that, long past too late. He'd gotten himself to where he was, and he was going to have to get himself out of it. "Why do you stay?" he asked, at the same time clutching at Joey's shirt so he wouldn't go anywhere. "It would be so much easier to just ... just leave me to this."

"Do you really think I'd bug you and lecture you and drive you nuts and make you choose, and then leave when the going got rough?" Joey sounded amused, his voice a warm vibration against Nick's cheek. "Could you do this, if you were all by yourself? Anyway, I like helping. Especially since I can't wait to meet the Nick that comes out the other side of this. I mean, you're already so amazing. I can only imagine what it'll be like, after."

"Maybe I'm a total loser," Nick warned him, lifting his head just a little so that his voice wasn't muffled. He hadn't felt any tears leak out yet, but that didn't mean they weren't going to. "You don't know. And ... if you weren't here I probably would've already been into that bottle I, um, keep in my bathroom. This is ... everything just *hurts*, Joey, and I'd do anything to make it stop."

"I doubt seriously you're a total loser," Joey said seriously, "and even if you are, I won't like you any less for it. I can't say I know what you're feeling, because I don't. But just think. How does it make you feel, knowing you want a drink *that* bad. That it has *that* much control over you? I'd be pretty pissed, I think, and pretty determined to beat it." He stroked Nick's hair gently, pulling his head back down. "Just relax. And later we'll go pour out the bathroom bottle, and you'll be one step closer."

Nick sniffled and felt his first tears be absorbed by Joey's shirt. "We'll do that," he agreed, thought it was so hard to commit himself to doing that. So hard. "So what else did you and AJ talk about? Did he tell you he wishes I was in rehab? It's like I can't even get dry right or something."

"Sweetheart." Joey squeezed him a little, reprovingly. "What is it about AJ that makes you nuts? He'd chew off a limb to help you, you know. When he suggests things, it's not because he thinks you can't do it yourself. He's just trying to make things easier on you, you know?" He stroked Nick's cheek, where the tears had fallen. "He wishes you were in rehab, yeah, because that's what it took for him to get dry, and he's worried about you. But he's behind you 100%, totally. Other than that, we talked about my ass and its prospective kicking, whether my band knew about you, whether his band knew about me, you know. Stuff."

"Tell me about it," said Nick, rubbing his cheek against Joey's shoulder and closing his eyes. "Distract me. Pretend I'm not crying. Tell me about how you bonded with AJ, Joey. I know he's just looking out for me he just ... he gets under my skin. Sometimes I think he knows me too well."

"He did grow up with you," Joey pointed out, as he settled him more comfortably on his lap. "Well, first of all, your AJ's a funny motherfucker. Filthy mouth, too, I don't know if you've noticed. First thing he said to me was 'fuck with him and I rip off your head and shit down your neck.' I appreciate that kind of directness in a person, so I told him that he and the necessary army were welcome to try. From there, it was pretty much gravy."

"Yeah, he's like that," said Nick, burrowing in and pulling the blankets up over both of them "He's pretty much always been like that. I'll bet your conversation with him was a lot more fun than mine was. And didn't include the words 'Audrey says...' even once."

Joey's arms came around him, warm and solid under the blankets. "Nope, he didn't mention any Audrey. Though he did try to tell me some theory about what his therapist thinks, and I told him to tell her to fuck off 'cause she doesn't know you. He growled at me, it was pretty funny."

"Yeah, that's Audrey," snickered Nick. "The worst thing, though? Is that she's probably right about me, all of it. And I don't want her to be. I want to prove everyone *wrong*, dammit, not prove them right."

"Why?" Nick could feel Joey's shrug. "If they were right, they were right, and just being contrary isn't gonna help you any. You really want to let some hot air out, you're doing the right thing. Taking responsibility, turning things around. It's a big thing, Nick."

"What i didn't tell AJ," said Nick after a few moments of silence. "What I didn't tell AJ, cause I didn't think he needed to hear it, wouldn't have done anyone any good, is that I didn't think our group could take someone else going into rehab. I didn't think we'd survive it. I believe that. It sucks, but i do."

Joey was quiet for a while, just holding him close. "Maybe you're right," he said softly, finally. "You'd know about that better than me. But see, that's why it's even more important that you use the support you got. AJ, the others, hell, use Lou if that'll work for you. I know how important the band is to you, believe me I know. We couldn't send Justin to rehab either, he was only barely eighteen, can you imagine what that would've been like? So we did it ourselves, and you can do that too. If one option's closed to you, you just gotta work harder with what you've got."

Nick squeezed his eyes shut again. "I just don't want him to suggest it to me again," he said. "Because next time, if I'm feeling worse or cranky or whatever, I might say it. God, Joey. How the fuck did Justin *do* this? And it gets *worse*?"

Joey hummed contemplatively. "Remember, with Justin and AJ too, I think, it wasn't just drinking. There was other stuff too, and that makes it harder. So yeah, I think it'll get worse, but...I don't think it's anything you won't be able to handle." Nick could almost hear Joey smile. "Justin was...difficult. He screamed a lot, and punched things, and spent two days in bed throwing up, and blaming Chris and then JC and calling them the most foul things...It was bad, but then it got better, and he's so much happier now, shit, he's almost unrecognizeable."

"I don't think I'm gonna throw up," said Nick, though he had to think about it. "I thought I might, before ... but I don't think so. So I'm doing okay, right?" If it was just drinking, with him, then maybe this was as bad as it got and he'd recover faster than either of them thought he would. It would be no big deal after all. The punching things, well, that wouldn't be much different than normal.

"You are. Very okay. And if you do throw up, later?" Joey shrugged again. "Still doing good. Tomorrow and Friday should be the worst, I think, if my memory is right, and after that, it gets easier every day. That's why I kicked you out to do errands today." Joey's hand came up to cup his shoulder. "And why you gotta eat more soup before we go to bed. Might be your last chance for a while."

"But maybe not," said Nick hopefully, cheek still pressed to Joey's body. "I didn't drink that much every day, only a few. Only drank more than that every weekend. So I should be fine, for our trip. I have to be."

"We'll see." Joey's voice was noncommittal. "Like I said, it's different for everybody. And I'll bundle you on that plane if I have to carry you...you think I'm gonna leave you here on your first sober weekend? Hell no. Plus, my mama wants to meet you." He shifted a little so that he was leaning into the corner of the couch, Nick sprawled against his chest. "I still think you need to eat, though. It'll help you get better faster, and...well, the flight to New York isn't that long, but it is flying, and you're gonna want to feel as good as possible."

"I'll eat," Nick promised him, though the prospect was still really, really unappealing. "If it'll make me feel better, I'll eat more soup. If it'll help me make a better impression on your mama than some alcoholic loser that you happened to pick up. That's the last thing I want, Joey."

"Oh, stop," Joey laughed. "Drama queen much, Nick? I mean, if it'll make you eat, fine, but my mama's gonna see just what I do. A beautiful talented guy who's got a problem he's working on, yeah, but who's really much too good for her goombah son. She'll probably ask if I'm paying you to be my boyfriend. Mom's subtle like that."

Nick actually lifted his head to look up at Joey's face, see if he was serious. "Then your mam doesn't value her son enough," he said softly, "because he's wonderful and patient and amazing and way the hell too good for someone like me. But if you say so, Joey, that ... that makes it a little easier. And I promise not to throw up at the wedding, at least."

"That, that is a promise I will hold you to." Joey grinned down at him. "And it's sweet of you to say so, but she probably will ask, about the paying thing. Fair warning. Of course deep down I'm her precious perfect baby boy, but she *knows* me, so the rose has come off the glasses. Don't worry about yourself, though. You, she will adore. Pop too."

"You don't know that," said Nick, but it made him smile anyway. "If it's true, though, that'll ... probably make the whole weekend go easier. What with the whole dry thing. God, Joey. Is it really only a few days ago I was puking in the bushes at the front door?"

"Yeah," Joey sighed. "Back in the day. Feels like months, huh?" His head tipped back against the couch, and Nick noticed the dark circles under his eyes for the first time. "And you were in shock at the idea of a dry wedding, remember? It's perfect, really, the timing."

"I'm still in shock at the idea of a dry wedding," muttered Nick, shaking his head, reaching up carefully to touch Joey's face. "No ... I'm still in shock at the idea of a dry *me*. I'm gonna ... there are people, I think, that I won't be hanging out with anymore. Cause this is all we ever did together, went out and drank and stuff. That'll be strange."

Joey tipped his face into Nick's palm, eyes still closed. "If they're real friends, you can find other things to do with them. And if they're not, you're better off without them anyway." He sighed. "It's so hard to tell, sometimes, till something like this happens. Look at is as a good thing. You can weed out the stinkers."

"I think I'm going to be weeding most of them out," said Nick, a couple tears still trickling down his face. "It's ... I don't even know them. That's all we are. We go out and drink and shoot the shit and that's it. They don't know me, either. I ... I'm not gonna have much left, I don't think."

"Fuh," Joey scoffed, not bothering to open his eyes. "Sure you will. You got your boys, they love you more than anything. You got Aaron, you think I haven't seen how you are with him? You got friends and family and people who'd like to be. JC's, like, smitten with you, thinks you're a groovy cat." He snickered. "Justin wants to play basketball. And I'm happy just getting to spend time with you, you know that."

"I know," said Nick, "I know. I'm getting new stuff to replace the old. Stuff that'll be better for me or whatever. Still ... it's gonna be very different. Like JC ... I've never had anyone to talk art with before. I'm sure he knows more than me -- I just know what I'm doing and like it and I just go with my gut -- this class is the first time I'm really *learning* about it." He groaned, realizing something he'd been forgetting. "Oh God, my class, I have so much reading to do ... "

"Don't worry about it," Joey murmured. "Not right now. You've got enough to worry about...once you're back on your feet, you can do a marathon cram. You try to read right now and you'll just stress yourself out and forget everything anyway." He scratched at his beard. "And don't let Jayce fool you. He hasn't studied either, he just goes to museums a lot and reads some books. You probably know way more than he does."

"Maybe," said Nick dubiously. JC was a hard one to figure out, and he didn't have the mental strength to do it right then. "I'll *try* not to think about it but ... " He wasn't sure quite what he was trying to say, something about how important it was to him but he couldn't quite reason out why. "Too much going on, Joey, my head hurts ... "

"Shhh." Joey's fingers came up and cupped his head, thumbs rubbing lightly behind his ears, soothing his headache and feeling so nice. "Don't worry about it, baby. You're thinking about too many different things. Try to relax a little. You want me to turn the movie back on? Get you some water?"

"Sure," said Nick, trusting that whatever Joey did for him would make him feel better and not worse. Not that he was at all sure he *could* feel worse than this, no matter what they were telling him. "Whatever you like. I'm good ... like this. You ever tried to stop thinking? It's really hard."

"Yep." Joey kept up the rubbing, thumbs making tiny circles behind his ears. "The more you think about stopping, the more thoughts you have, and the more you're thinking, just like that. The best bet is to distract yourself. Why don't you...I'll go get you some water. Tell me about some good memories you have. Some of your favorite things. That should help."

"You'd have to get up to get me water," said Nick, clutching his shirt tightly. "That means you'd have to move me. I'm not sure I'm down with the whole 'moving me' thing. I still have water -- it's by my glasses, at the other end of the couch. See?" He trusted that Joey would, because he certainly couldn't.

Joey looked down and grinned, and Nick realized that his shirt was pulled tight by the way Nick had it fisted in his hands. He felt his face flush a little as Joey chuckled. "Like a baby monkey. Did I tell you Lance wants one of those? OK, no getting up yet. I'm pretty comfortable anyway." He stopped the rubbing, and his hands came down to Nick's neck and back, holding him carefully. "I still want to hear good memories, though."

"Lance wants a baby monkey?" said Nick, feeling his muscles relax even more when his body was supported. "Why does Lance want a baby monkey? Doesn't he know that monkeys sling shit all over the place? Or maybe that's only some monkeys ... " He knew he was getting off track there, but couldn't quite remember what the track was supposed to be.

"Yeah, that's what we told him. He really wants one, though, so I had to tell him there was no way he was bringing a monkey on our bus. They stink, and they're destructive, and no way. The fucking ferret was bad enough. Lance and his wonky pets, I swear." Joey's voice was low and easy, and Nick closed his eyes and just listened. "Chris was totally for it, of course, and then Justin said that with Chris around who needs a monkey? And JC offered to make Chris sparkly pants and a cap and get him an organ, and then Chris tackled JC and it was all over." Joey's hand started long strokes down his back. "Do you guys bring pets on tour?"

"Not really," said Nick, and even though he was relaxed he was feeling more alert than he had in hours. In forever. "Brian does, sometimes, those dogs of his. Everyone has dogs. Dogs, dogs, dogs. But we leave them at home, mostly. Mine are with my family, where they're loved and cuddled all the time and that's good. And I can see them whenever."

"Yeah," Joey agreed, "that's nice for them. After Chris's little adventure in puppy-raising on tour, we almost banned animals altogether. That fucking dog." Joey's body shook with silent laughter. "When he chewed Justin's shoes Justin threatened to quit the band. But Busta and Korea still come on tour, they're Chris's babies and he won't leave them behind." He snuggled Nick closer for a second. "Pets are good to have to cuddle, sometimes, but mostly we just use each other when things get too rough, you know?"

"Yeah, that must be nice," said Nick, fluttering his eyes open for just a moment to smile up at him. "To have all these bodies to cuddle, who'll let you. The guys all have people to cuddle, on tour. Maybe that's why they don't usually bring dogs. Except Brian, who has his wife *and* his dogs. Greedy fucker."

Joey smiled back, eyes crinkling. "Yeah. Well, Chris doesn't really *let* you, unless you're Justin, but he can be wrestled into submission, mostly. And I thought you and Howie and AJ were all single? I've seen the pictures, y'all are as cuddly as we are, if not more."

Nick gave him a sad look, then closed his eyes again. "It's not like that," he said. "In pictures maybe. They're not single, Joey. Well, maybe Howie is again, I never know. He's not around enough to find out. AJ has a girlfriend. It's just ... it's different, from you guys. I thought you wanted to talk about happy things?"

"Happy things, right," Joey said firmly, "though...maybe we could talk about that, later. When you're feeling better. OK, happy thoughts. Um. Puppies! Getting to dance with you at the wedding. Brianna, though I don't guess that's such a happy thought for you. Singing onstage. Tell me, I wanna know. What do you use as happy thoughts, anyway?"

"Getting drunk doesn't count, right?" said Nick with a sigh, giving it some genunine thought. "Performing is a very happy thought. My brother and sisters. AJ is mostly a happy thought. The ocean ... the ocean is a really, really happy thought. Are we reallly gonna get to dance together at the wedding?"

"Sure we are, if it won't freak you out." Joey's lips curved up a little. "I'm a lot of things, but shy ain't one of them. And I want to show you off." He tilted his head back, eyes closing again, and Nick noticed the dark circles again. "The ocean, huh? Water baby. You have a boat, right? And you go diving? You should take me sailing sometime, and we can scuba. Did I tell you I got to swim with dolphins? It was the coolest thing ever."

Nick smiled, probably wider than he had all day. "Yes. I would love to take you, you have no idea. That's ... one of my favorite things in the world, going out on the water. Or in the water. Or even just *looking at* the water. My other place, it's right on the coast, I've done do many paintings there. You have to see, Joey."

Joey smiled wide at Nick's enthusiasm, lighting up, and Nick thought wonderingly that Joey really was happy to see him happy. "I totally wanna see. You've got to take me soon, we'll just take off and go, you can show me. I'm not a really good diver, but I'm certified and everything, so you can show me how to be better." Joey laughed. "And I can sit around and read and you can paint. Perfect weekend, huh?"

Nick sighed happily, because it really *would* be perfect. Very different but perfect. "It's been a long time since I've gone diving ... " he realized, and frowned. "A really long time. Why's it been so damn long, anyway? God, the other place probably needs a good airing out by now."

"You were distracted," Joey said simply. "You got caught up in other stuff, is all. We can go down there, clean the place up, have very careful beach sex. Lots of it. And you can scare off the sharks that'll try to eat me." He dropped a kiss into Nick's hair. "What else? What other happy thoughts? What about AJ?"

"AJ's like ... I mean, the guy drives me nuts, you *know* that, I've said so a million times, but ... I'm glad he's around anyway. Specially lately, since he's come back." Nick didn't even want to utter the word rehab. "He can be sooooo self-righteous and stuff, seems like, but he's kinda always there for me. Even when I'm fucking up. Feels good, to be that secure ... "

"That's cool. Yeah, you can count on him. Must have been really hard for you when he was away." Joey seemed to be observing the moratorium on mentioning rehab by name. "I think he loves you a lot, you know? That's just the vibe I get. And even when their pains in the ass, it's good to have brothers."

"I'd call him that," said Nick decisively. "I'd really call him a brother. He wasn't so reliable, you know, before ... but I still knew he loved me. Even when he was trashed beyond recognition. When I was a kid, man, i always wanted to be just like him. He was *so* cool. Back then Brian, he was like my kinda goofy older brother, but AJ ... he was the cool brother."

"Heh." Joey's chuckle was knowing. "Yeah, like Justin with JC and Chris. Man, you wouldn't have recognized C back then, or I guess you would have, but he was so, so different. He was the grownup older brother, and Chris was ass-kickingly cool, and Justin was so smitten it was almost embarrassing." He grinned. "Do you know how hard it was talking him out of dreadlocking that mop of his? JC had to threaten to shave him bald if he tried. Family's good, yeah. Brothers to make life a little easier."

Nick nodded and turned his face toward Joey again. "And you miss it lots, when it's not there, and sometimes you don't even know you're missing it until you realize you've been trying to do something in its place and it's just not working." He hadn't even known that was going to come out until he opened his mouth. "I think Justin would've looked good in dreads, actually ... "\

"No, he would have looked like a rat. Like that kid from O-Town." Joey shuddered, and Nick was startled into a laugh. "Ugly scene, man, ugly. Brothers or not, we would have shaved his head, no doubt." Joey tugged at the blanket that was caught between him and Nick, then gave up. "And what do you mean, when it's not there? AJ's your bro, and Howie and Brian and Kevin and them. Or do you mean your real family? No, they're real," he corrected himself. "More like, your biological family, I guess."

"Look, it's not *like* with you guys," said Nick, his eyes flying open. "Don't you *get* that? We're not close like that, and we haven't been in a long time. Haven't you been listening to me, at all? Or are you just making up relationships in you head that aren't there? They're my friends, sure, but AJ's the only one I'd call a brother anymore."

"Oh." Joey's voice went quiet. "I'm...sorry. I just thought. Sorry. You all just seem really close. I didn't mean to make anything up." His mouth quirked unhappily. "Guess I'm not helping with the happy thoughts thing, huh? Maybe I'll just...you did say you'd eat some more. Want me to get you anything?"

"Joey," said Nick with a sigh, trying to ignore the renewed pounding in his head. He needed to stay calm. Calm. "I'm just ... please just try to understand that it's not. We're good friends and I love them all ... but it's not like that. Not anymore anyway. They all have their own lives now and are married or getting married and ... it's just not like you guys are, from how you're telling me about it."

"No, it's cool." Joey sounded calm, still, which helped, though his eyes seemed sad. "I just didn't understand, you're right. People grow up and relationships change, it's natural. I'm glad you and AJ are still so tight, though, that's cool." His hand left Nick's shoulder to scrub through his hair. "I didn't get too much food," he said suddenly, and Nick jumped a little at the change of subject. "I didn't know what you like. But I can make you more soup, or get you some jello. Once you eat you can have more advil." It was like Joey slipped back into caretaker mode whenever he was uncomfortable, focusing all the attention back on Nick.

"Joey," said Nick again, softer this time, fisting his hand in Joey's shirt again. "I'm fine. I'm even almost comfortable. I'm definitely not ready to eat again just yet. What ... what happened to talking, anyway?"

"Look, I just...I obviously said something wrong, and it was a touchy subject, and you didn't want to get into it." Joey moved a little restlessly under his hands. "I figure you're doing so good now, it probably wouldn't be great to get into some heavy discussion about band relationships at the moment. But if you're not hungry yet, that's ok. We can keep talking. Talk away. Whatever you want."

"It's okay, to talk about it," said Nick, letting his eyes close again. Things always felt so much better when his eyes were closed. "Just don't assume that just cause ... cause the groups are kinda the same, that they're the same. Too many people doin' that already."

"I didn't think they were the SAME..." Joey took a deep breath and let it out. "It's not some perfect heaven in my band either, you know. I just thought, from what I'd seen, that you guys were all really close. I mean, Howie especially...you can totally see he cares about you and AJ a lot. Brian too. Kevin's hard to read, but the way he sticks up for y'all, you'd think you were his kids or something. I don't know." Joey sounded a little frustrated. "All I can tell you is what I see."

"That's why I'm telling you," said Nick, shifting his his lap again. "Sure, they do care, and I care about them, but ... " He strugged for the words, because the concept was so clear in his head. "It's just not close like *that*. I know they care about what happens to me, but their own private lives ... are bigger than the group, now. Is all. Which is maybe how I got in this whole mess in the first place."

"Yeah, you think?" Joey tilted his head, looking away from Nick, like he still wasn't maybe entirely comfortable, and Nick felt himself frown a little. But Joey went on, easily enough. "Like, they were moving away and you were trying to get their attention back? Or was it more that you missed them, and got unhappy, and drinking let you forget that?"

Nick shrugged. "Maybe I should ask AJ's therapist," he muttered, but it wasn't actually such a wild idea, when he thought about it. "I don't know, Joey, and I'm not really trying to figure it out just yet. That just ... occured to me. When I remember the stuff I used to like to do, and wondered why I didn't do it so much anymore."

"Or maybe you could just figure it out yourself, no therapist required." Joey smiled at him, wryly. "I know they're sometimes super-helpful and wonderful, but I have kind of a low opinion of the psychiatric community. But if you do decide to talk to someone, maybe not AJ's? She sounds annoying."

"He thinks the world of her," admitted Nick with a tiny smile. "I don't think I'd like her, personally, but I sure as hell wouldn't discourage him from talking to her, not for real. I just complain about it. I don't think I'd go that route anyway, just doesn't feel like ... me. Though I'm pretty sure AJ's gonna encourage it ... cause it worked for him and all. You'll help me out, with that?"

"If you think that's what's really going to work for you, yeah." Joey shrugged. "Don't let my opinion of psychiatrists turn you away from something that might help you. AJ's known you a lot longer than I have, remember...what he thinks might work for you should probably carry a lot more weight than what I think. But yeah, you should do what feels right to you."

"AJ -- at least lately -- seems to kinda think that anything that worked for him will work for anyone. Hasn't really started to ... recognize individuality, in that way, yet. At least ... um ... in my opinion, so take that for what it's worth." Nick struggled to finally sit up, so he could look Joey in the eye again, feel equal. "Don't underestimate what your opinion means to me, even when I'm bitching at you."

Joey looked into his eyes for a moment, then glanced away, off to the side and down. "Well. Don't put too much stock in it. I'm famous for being a complete dumbass, remember, and sometimes there's some truth to rumors." He looked up again, smiling a little. "As for AJ, he's probably still just in crusader mode. All flushed with success and trying to make sure everyone's as happy as he is, and super-confident in his methods. Just give him a little time to relax, and he'll probably be easier to talk to. I think he's gonna be an awful big help to you when you all go back on tour, and stuff."

"I know he will," said Nick, leaning in to press his face to Joey's neck and kissing him lightly. "And I'm sure I'll appreciate it more then, when I *want* to be helped. Not like before, when I didn't. I probably ... was way too hard on him, before, but he took it well mostly. I probably need to apologize, for a bunch of stuff." When he lifted his head again, he was really close enough to see Joey's face. "Reputations aren't always deserved, you know, Joey."

"Well, he probably understood where you were coming from," Joey reasoned, still smiling a little from the brief kiss. "I mean, I'm sure he was no prince before he went into rehab, before he admitted there was something wrong. Denial tends to be a bitch on the temper." He leaned in, brushed Nick's lips with his own. "Of course reputations aren't always deserved. Look at Lance, he's as straight as a board, despite all allegations to the contrary."

"The obvious ones always are," agreed Nick. "One of the laws of you universe. Um. You think I might have some more advil now? This is starting to ... " He rubbed his forehead and closed his eyes. "Ow. For a second there I almost managed to forget."

"That's a good sign." Joey looked at him consideringly. "But you have to eat something before you take more, or the pills will seriously fuck your stomach up, especially since it's probably not in the best shape right now to begin with." He looked almost relieved, Nick thought, and wondered. "Oh! That's one more thing AJ said. Heating pad, hot water bottle, hot bath, all good. Because your muscles are all tense even if you don't even know it, and relaxing them will make you feel tons better. But food first. What's your pleasure, Nicky?"

"You really don't want me to answer that," muttered Nick as he sat up straight, but certainly wasn't ready to stand. "If I have to eat ... more of that soup, I guess. And then maybe ... a bath would probably feel good, but ... I'd probably fall asleep and then I'd drown and that would suck. So one of the others, I guess."

Joey held his waist and balanced him on his lap, and Nick was struck by how bizarre it was to be in someone's *lap*. Jay had been small, all his girlfriends had been small. Not that he'd ever wanted to sit in their laps anyway.

"OK, soup it is. And if you want a bath after, I could sit in there with you, make sure you don't drown or anything." Joey smiled at him. "Platonically, of course. Cuz unless you have a huge bathtub, and I don't think you do, ain't no way we'd both fit in the actual tub."

"No, no gigantic superstar-style bathtub," he admitted, leaning back against Joey. "Just big enough for me. I think. That's what i asked for, but ... never actually taken a bath in it. Not normally a bath-type person. And ... " he ran a hand over Joey's leg. "You know we're not exactly platonic."

"Right now we are." Joey caught his hand and twisted their fingers together. "Unless you're suddenly and miraculously recovered, I can't imagine much more horrible than trying to have sex with the DTs. For you, I mean. Sick sex is usually bad sex, in my experience anyway."

Nick rolled his eyes at him and tired not to let Joey's words sink in. And then tried not to roll his eyes again because all that did was make him dizzy. "I just meant ... you don't have to be paranoid about how you touch me, is all. I'd rather have that than be treated like a child."

"I'm not paranoid," Joey said immediately, then paused. "OK, maybe a little paranoid. Just don't want you thinking I'm asking anything from you right now, because I'm not. And I don't think you're a child. If you're a child I'm a sick bastard, and I'm not a sick bastard, so there." He grinned at Nick, who tried to keep from rolling his eyes again. "But no strenuous activity for you for a while, Carter."

"Yes, yes," he said impatiently. "No sex. No dancing. No digging up the garden. Trust me ... I'm not exactly in the mood for any of those right now. Just advil. Or something stronger, if you've got it. And then nice warm water. God, why is this ... ? I mean, I didn't drink *that* much ... "

"Food first," Joey said firmly, sitting up a little and bringing Nick with him. "And you did drink a lot. A few every day, and binging on weekends? And what's your definition of 'a few,' anyway?" He shifted Nick off his lap, gently, and stood, rubbing his eyes. "I'll get you some soup, then we'll work out the rest, ok?"

"Just a few," said Nick defensively. "Like five or six. You people make it sound like i drank all the *time*, or something. Really ... I'm probably past the worst of this, now. I can get up and ... and get my own soup, if you're gonna make me have some, and get another drink for myself."

"You're welcome to try," Joey said calmly, standing still and waiting. "Come on, then. If you're feeling so good, you can help me get dinner, and then we'll finish that movie. Of course, since most people drink five or six drinks a week, if that, you may be underestimating your recovery time just a little." He shrugged. "You're the one feeling it, though, not me."

"Be nice," snapped Nick as he struggled to his feet. "It fucking *hurt*, and he didn't know if he had the strength to make it, but Joey obviously thought he couldn't so he was damn well gonna try. "Who are these 'most people' anyway? I wasn't that bad, Joey. I wasn't. Someone would've said something, if I was."

Joey's hand twitched towards him as he staggered a little, but was pulled back. Nick glared. Joey wasn't going to help at all, clearly, just to prove a point.

Joey just arched an eyebrow at him in response. "No, you probably maintained pretty well, and most people probably didn't have any idea how much you were actually drinking. *You* probably weren't really thinking about it consciously. But trust me, most people would be blasted on six drinks, and wouldn't be able to tolerate that much alcohol even if they spaced it through a day." Joey shook his head. "Must have been like a perpetual hangover for you. I don't know how you did it."

"I don't get it," said Nick, frowning at him and taking a shaky step forward. He knew how to fucking walk. This was ridiculous. "It was just normal. It wasn't anything. You guys are making way too big a deal about it, seriously. I mean, okay, I got myself in some trouble and I should cut back, but making me out to be some sort of sorry addict is going too far, Joey. You don't need to use scare tactics on me."

"One step forward, two steps back," Joey muttered, standing at his side like he was waiting for him to fall over or something. "An hour ago we're talking about why you can't go to rehab, now you're back to not being an addict. Good lord." Nich frowned harder, and reached out to shove Joey out of the way, and

"Whups! Careful there." Joey set him gently back on his feet, while he felt his face slowly flush crimson. "Scare tactics, huh? Believe me, Nicky, if anything I'm *down*playing this."

Nick strugged not to let any of his fear show on his face. "I'm fine," he said, but he wasn't able to shake off Joey's hands. "I can make it. Hell, maybe I'll even work up an appetite on the way. Obviously I can't go to rehab because I don't *need* to go to rehab. They'd laugh me out of the place. That's for people with real problems."

Joey actually smacked his own forehead with the heel of his palm. Nick had thought people only did that in movies.

"Right. Right. Are you having some kind of selective memory issue, here? Are you Nick's evil twin? Because my Nick was in here not too long ago, scared, but admitting that he was an alcoholic and that he needed to stop drinking and that he couldn't go to rehab because it would hurt his band." Joey shook his head, still holding Nick gently, despite the bite in his words. "I know you're scared." His voice went soft. "I know things keep piling up, but you can't backtrack, Nick. Yell at me if you want, or cry, or do whatever, but don't change your mind about the stuff that's going to help you."

Nick just glared at him, then took another couple of steps and finally found his balance. "What would make this go away is to have a drink, but obviously you're not gonna let me do that so I guess I get to suffer through it, like it or not. I'm not *scared*, this is just silly. I've been acting like a baby, this is no big thing. I don't know what i was thinking, before."

Joey just stared at him, and Nick almost laughed at how huge his eyes had gotten. "Ohhhhhkay," he said finally. "No big thing. Right. You do realize that this is still the easy-" he paused, and watched Nick stumble again. Nick cursed as he bit his tongue by accident. FUCK! "No, I think I'll just let you figure that out yourself." He walked to the stairs, turning away from Nick, who was still only halfway to the kitchen. "Yell if you need me," he tossed over one shoulder, as Nick watched, disbelieving. Joey was leaving him? The dark head popped around the corner again, and brown eyes looked at him seriously. "You were fine, before. *Now* you're acting like a baby." And he was gone again.

Nick stared after him for a while, then looked up at the door to the kitchen. He hadn't brought his glasses with him and had mostly just been following Joey; the door looked really far away now. He kept going though, gritting his teeth, each step an effort to stay upright, to keep from the throbbing in his head from overtaking him.

He almost made it, stumbling at the last minute and crumpling to the floor just outside the door. He lay there for a moment, just catching his breath, then pulled himself against the wall and pressed his face to his knees and started crying for real.

"Oh, baby." Warm arms came around him, pulled him into a solid big body, cradled his head against a shoulder as he sobbed. "Oh, Nick. I'm so sorry." Joey's mouth was right by his ear, his voice a warm, sad whisper, hands tight on his back and waist. "I wish you didn't have to go through this, I wish it so bad. Tell me how to help."

Nick knew his tears were soaking through Joey's shirt again and his nose was running and he was an absolutely miserable mess but he didn't care because it was all coming out now, all the stuff that had been building up inside. "I'm sorry," he sniffled out quietly, and just wished Joey could make it all better, right then and there. But he knew that Joey couldn't and he didn't know what else to ask for. "I'm sorry, Joey."

"Shhh." Joey's big hands stroked up his back and into his hair. "It's okay. It's gonna be okay, I promise. Everything's gonna be okay, Nick. We'll make it, *you'll* make it, I know you will. It'll get better soon." He fell quiet again, and Nick felt a fresh rush of tears at the calm certainty in Joey's voice, the warmth. He was dizzy again and the floor was hard and his head hurt and his stomach was clenching and he clutched at Joey like a life preserver. "Easy," Joey murmured. "I won't leave you."

"It's too hard," he said, sniffling loudly and trying to pull away from Joey's body, but Joey just wouldn't let him. "It's too had, Joey, I just want a drink, okay? Just a drink and then I'll be okay and fun again and I know I'm a fucking alcoholic but I'm more fun when I'm not miserable like this I promise I am and please, Joey, please, just one drink, just *one*." He would have kept going but his words got lost in sobs; he knew that Joey wouldn't let him have a drink and he knew that Joey *shouldn't* let him have a drink but he *needed* it.

"No, Nick, no." Joey held him even tighter, and it sounded like it was hurting him to say it. "You can't. You can't have a drink, I won't let you, not now and not later. Cause right now you are officially a *recovering* alcoholic and that's such a fantastic thing, Nick, you can't throw that away. Pretty soon you won't want one so much any more. I swear. I don't want you to be fun and drunk and still miserable, I don't want that, I want you all gorgeous and sober and happy and a drink won't do that, it *can't*. And you can't have just one." Nick felt wetness on his neck that he was pretty sure wasn't his own tears. "You gotta...you gotta hang in there, okay?"

"I *can't*," said Nick again, but he was, he had to. He really couldn't go back now. It had only been a day, but it was a start, and having Joey, and his friends, and the things he remembered he used to have ... that would be better again. Better than what he had now. "I don't know what *happened*, Joey, how did this *happen*?"

"You just got a little lost, baby," Joey said into his hair. "Things just got away from you while you weren't paying attention. And you can, you *can* do it. I mean." Joey's laugh was watery. "Look at who made it. AJ and *Justin.* You think they can do anything you can't do? I know I haven't known you that long, but I believe you can do it."

"Timberlake ain't done nothing I can't," he muttered, which he knew was just what Joey'd been hoping he would do. He was still quietly sobbing into Joey's shoulder, though, which didn't make it sound all that credible. "I just want this to be over," he whispered. "I'm sorry. Whatever you tell me to do, I'll do it, i just want this to be less bad. I didn't mean to be awful to you, Joey."

"I can't make it all better," Joey said helplessly. "I can't even make it much easier, but I'll do anything I can. You weren't that awful, you were just scared and sick and I understand." He rocked Nick a little. "It'll be over soon, before you know it, things'll be better. Till then I get to feed you soup and Advil and make sure you drink water and give you baths. It's not such a bad deal."

"I feel stupid," muttered Nick, sniffling again. He didn't think there was a single part of him that didn't hurt, inside and out. "This is stupid, this is so stupid. I'm not even ... i feel sick, Joey, i can't eat. I can't. Do I have to?"

"Yeah," Joey sighed, sounding exhausted. "Yeah, you have to. Just a little, you've got to get something into your stomach so you can take something for the headache. Just a little soup, it's nice and light, you'll barely know you're eating it." Gentle fingers brushed Nick's hair off his forehead as he sniffed miserably. "You're not stupid."

"No, I am," said Nick softly, sniffling, the flow of tears finally drying up. "I kinda am, Joey, to get myself here. i'm gonna try not to be so stupid anymore, though, okay?"

"Okay, then start by eating some soup for me." Joey's voice sounded firmer now, and like he was smiling. "Maybe you were a little stupid, before, but you're not now. Now you're being really smart."

"I'll try," he promised reluctantly. "I'll try and eat some soup. It just doesn't ... my stomach isn't sitting so well, right now. I don't think it really wants anything in there. I'll try and convince it otherwise, just ... well, don't be surprised if you see the soup again in a little while is all."

"We'll go slow," Joey assured him. "Just little sips, and see if that helps you settle. And all you can do is try, right? But I really think it'll make you feel better. Your stomach's probably freaking because you haven't put anything in there but water and pills all day. It needs food, too." Joey pulled away a little. "You ready to try standing up?"

"That didn't really work out so well for me last time," admitted Nick, though obviously Joey already know that. "I hit my knee on the way down. Hurts. A lot. More than the other stuff." Standing up was going to be the easy part, though. Getting upstairs was going to be less fun, on that knee. "Can i just go to bed, after my bath?"

"Yep. I think bed's a great idea." Joey raised up to his knees, one hand still on Nick's back as he sat curled on the floor. "Need some help? This time it'll be easier. You can just hang on me, I'll help. Here." He got to his feet, then crouched by Nick and almost lifted him to his feet, hands under his arms. "See?" He kept a tight hold as Nick staggered a little, and was solid as a rock under Nick's weight. "Much easier, like this."

"I should be able to *walk*," said Nick bitterly. "It's just ... my balance ... my head's not right." It *was* easier this time, though, and they actually made it all the way into the kitchen, where Nick's soup was waiting for him. It didn't look any more appetizing now than it had before.

"Here, let me heat it up." Joey propped him against the counter, steadying him before stepping away to fire up the burner under the pot. "Maybe it'll be easier for you if you think of it, like, as a really bad case of the flu?" Joey was chattering as he got a bowl and spoon out of the dishwasher; Nick blinked at it, wondering when he'd done the dishes last. "That way you can just accept that you're sick and stuff, and do what's right to make you feel better, without all that other...stuff, getting in the way. Think of it like a virus. Not a lot you can do about it but stay hydrated and wait it out." He smiled at Nick, hopefully, it looked like.

"I got bitched out last time i called it a flu," said Nick, all the bitterness apparently *not* cried out of him. "Joey ... when's this gonna be over? When am I gonna feel normal again? I *hate* this. I fucking hate it."

"I don't remember bitching you out about that," Joey said mildly, stirring the pot. "It's one thing to be in complete denial of the truth, something else to pretend to make things easier." He looked into the pot carefully, kept stirring. "I don't know when you'll feel normal again. Normal for you was drunk, so, hopefully, never. But better? I think you'll feel better in a few days, for sure."

"Few days is a long time," he said dismally. His eyes still felt wet and raw and he was embarassed by his tears again. He should've been able to handle that better, not broken down like that. He had to keep reminding himself that this was nothing, tell himself that he was doing it for Joey. That made it easier to endure.

"Yeah. It'll get better every day, though." Joey's smile was encouraging, but Nick couldn't bring himself to smile back. Crying always made his head feel like it weighed a million pounds anyway, and right now, that was the last thing he'd needed. "Here we go." Joey poured broth into a bowl, and set it in front of Nick, then stepped back, rubbing lightly at Nick's neck and shoulders.

"I can't eat that," he said instantly, his stomach clenching. "Joey, I'm sorry, I ... " But he didn't think he was going to be given a choice, and wondered how he was going to manage it. He didn't even want to think about lifting the spoon. "How the hell did they do this?" he whispered, thinking about AJ, about Justin.

Joey shrugged, and kept rubbing soothingly. "They were too goddamn stubborn to give up, once they got started." He seemed to know instinctively who Nick was talking about. "They grit their teeth and got pissed and fought. At least Justin did, and I'm guessing from what I know about AJ that he did too." His hands made gentle sweeps across Nick's shoulders. "You've got to eat a little bit, at least. Just a few bites. Try?"

"I didn't say I wouldn't try," said Nick with a sigh, but he just stared at it anyway. "Don't expect too much. My body's not very happy with me right now. To say the least."

"I know, I know," Joey sighed. "But it's going to be even less happy with you if you don't feed it. Detox is really hard on you, you know, and you need all the calories and energy you can get. I should go out and get you some of those protein drinks."

Nick made a face and tried not to gag. "Seriously, I don't think one of those would even go down in the first place. I'll eat the soup, Joey. I might even be able to eat bread or something." Finally he reached for the spoon, lifted a spoonful to his mouth. "For the record, I usually eat way more than this. Or at least I used to. Lately I hadn't been, so much ... " The soup slid down and sank like a rock. He went back to staring at the bowl.

"If you haven't been eating right, you need it even more." Joey sounded sympathetic, but unyielding. "That was good, one bite, right? It's just chicken broth, just about the best thing for you. It's a little bowl. Finish it up, and we'll go to bed and you can take a break. Give you some TLC."

"*All* of it?" said Nick, his eyes shooting up to meet Joey's, already shaking his head. "I'm not kidding Joey, trying to eat all of this would just be bad news." He had too look away from Joey's disappointed eyes, back at the bowl again. "Half?" he offered reluctantly.

"Try for all of it, ok?" Joey's arm slid around his neck, holding him lightly from the side. "If you can't do it, you can't do it, but give it a try?" He chuckled suddenly. "Usually I don't have to harrass people into eating my cooking. I ususally got people lined up at dinner time. Justin's gonna be heartbroken that I'm not cooking for him this week."

"Invite him over," said Nick with a shrug, forcing down another bite. "May as well have someone else witness my misery. You're gonna be bored, when I got to sleep, you know. You shouldn't have to put up with that.'

"I'm going to sleep, when you go to sleep," Joey corrected. "I'm wiped. I'll invite him if you really want me to, but I don't think I'll be doing much cooking here over the next few days. For one thing, you won't want to smell it. For another, I'll probably be busy." Joey nudged his arm. "Try another bite. Anyway, isn't AJ stopping over tomorrow? Add Justin and it's a boyband recovery group. I dunno if they'll get along too well, though."

"Well, at least they have something to talk about," said Nick, taking another bite, licking his lips afterward. "And then when I drop something or fall or wrap myself up on the couch and cry, they can laugh at me together. I'm sure they'll get along famously."

"They wouldn't...well, I don't know about AJ, but Justin wouldn't laugh. He'd fidget around nervously and babble and not know what to do, but he wouldn't laugh. You might actually find it entertaining." Joey grinned at him. "And you two can talk about boys, too. How about *that* for freaking AJ out? We could see if we could make him blush." He nudged the bowl a little closer to Nick, discreetly.

"AJ doesn't blush," said Nick, shaking his head. "I'll have more ... just gimme a sec. I'm letting it settle." He played with the soup for a minute, swirling the spoon around in the bowl. "Never had anyone to talk about boys with."

"AJ'll blush if Justin gets a chance at him," Joey shook his head knowingly. "That boy has the filthiest mouth...but he's great to talk about boys with, lotta fun. He's even cattier than you'd expect, too, so if you're ever somewhere where you want to remember why you hate an ex, he's your best bet for company. I really should call him, let him know what's going on with me."

"Go ahead," said Nick gesturing vaguely at the phone by the door. "I'm gonna be here at least an hour trying to get this down." He took another spoonful, then managed a small smile for Joey. "I'll do it, though, Joey. I'll try."

"I won't leave you in your time of trial," Joey grinned. "Plus, I don't trust you not to just pour it down the sink. Justin'll keep, he knows more or less where I am, it's not like we see each other *every* day or something. And if it takes you an hour to eat that, it's gonna get nasty cold. Just don't think about it as you're eating, and you'll be ok."

"Joey," Nick said patiently. "It's portable. You don't have to go anywhere." He took yet another bite; this one seemed to go down a little easier. "There's no way i can finish this before it gets cold, whether it takes an hour or not."

"I'll heat it up again, then," Joey promised, "because cold broth? Ew. Look, though, you're almost halfway done. You're rockin' and rollin'." He drummed his fingers on the table, considering. "I guess I should call him. He can tell everyone else what's going on, check in on JC for me. And if AJ can't come over, maybe he *can* come hang out when I have to go pack and shit." He went for the phone, still talking. "How much...what can I tell him? About you? What are you okay with?"

Nick sighed and stared at his soup. "You can tell him anything," he said finally. "Whatever you need to. Just ... as long as it doesn't go past him, you know? I don't want this whole chain of people knowing my business." He took another bite and grimaced. The second half was going to be harder than the first.

"Justin's like a tomb," Joey assured him, dialing and coming back to sit beside him at the table. "Hey Jup." Nick could hear the smile in his voice as he spoke, and frowned into his soup. "I'm at Nick's. Yes, Carter. I know, I know, I'm sure JC told you-" he was quiet, listening for a moment. "Yeah, well, I forgot. Tell 'em I said sorry, ok? I'm a little busy here." He paused, then hooted. "Not like *that!* Well, a little like that. But Nick," he shot a glance at Nick, who kept his eyes carefully down, "he's going dry. Cold turkey, first day, you know? So I'm hanging out." He went silent for a longer time, this time, and Nick found himself dying to know what the other half of the conversation sounded like. He realized he'd taken another bite without even noticing. "Aw, Justin." Joey's voice was soft. "Thanks, baby. You're sweet."

Nick made a face, wanted to hear Joey use those words on *him* again, but at the same time still wanted to know what had prompted them. He wasn't really happy about Justin knowing what was going on with him, but he knew that it couldn't be helped, that he had to find out sooner or later. He just gave Joey another smile when Joey looked in his direction, and took another bite while Joey was watching him. Maybe he'd call AJ later and see if there was anything else he could suggest Nick try to eat.

"No, we're good for right now. First day's not that bad, you know?" Whatever Justin said made Joey grimace. "I know. I know. No, he's a trooper, he's amazing." Nick glanced up at that, surprised. "He's hanging in really well, he's even eating. Yeah. Yeah. No, I'm not coming over to make you spaghetti, you fuck." Joey laughed. "I don't know. I can ask, he said something earlier, but I dunno. Not tomorrow. I'll ask. Oh, hey, can you check on C for me? I know it's my day, but I'm...yeah. OK. You're a doll. You too." He pressed the disconnect button, then looked at Nick, suddenly concerned. "Oh, did you want to talk to him too? I totally forgot, I was gonna ask..."

"No, it's okay, you've already hung up," said Nick, toying with the remains of his soup. He really wasn't sure what he would've said to Justin anyway; it would have been awkward, he was sure, even though they had something to talk about. "I think I'm done," he said a moment later. "I'm sorry ... I tried ... and it's *almost* gone ... "

"He actually asked if he could come over," Joey mentioned, glancing into the bowl. "Oh, man, Nick, just one more bite and you're finished. Don't if you really can't, though." He sat back comfortably. "He's all rah-rah now for you, just like I thought he would be. Ready and more than willing to help, so, you know, if you ever do want to talk to him you can. He seems like an ass sometimes, I know, but he's really a good kid."

Nick stared at the remains in the bowl for a long moment, then took one final bite and swallowed quickly, letting the spoon clatter to the table. "He can come," he said. "He can come over, it's fine. I'll be fine. I'll be ready to be sociable again tomorrow. You were right, that soup really helped."

Joey looked at him intently. "OK, you're getting that freaked-out denial tone in your voice again. Something happen that I missed? I'm glad the soup helped, and it's way cool you finished, but unfortunately even the famous Fatone chicken broth isn't some kind of miracle cure. He won't be coming over tomorrow."

"If I believe that tomorrow's gonna be better," said Nick patiently, staring at the table, "it'll make it easier to get through tonight. Okay? I'm not going freaky on you. I'm just .. trying to cope. That's all. Trying to cope."

"Okay, okay." Joey scooped up his hand and started playing with his fingers. "You cope, and I'll make sure you're in great shape tomorrow. You're in for some serious pampering, baby." He smiled into Nick's eyes. "You still want bed, or does that bath seem at all appealing?"

"Just ... somewhere warm and soft," said Nick, pushing the bowl away from him. "And you promised me advil, when I ate my soup. I could really use some right now, Joey, or I'm not going to make it upstairs at all."

"Advil, coming right up." Joey stood. "I don't know if bathwater counts as 'soft,' but it's definitely warm. Do you think you're tired enough to get back to sleep without it?"

Nick paused, then nodded. "I'd fall asleep in the tub right now," he admitted, scratching at his arm absently. "Maybe tomorrow, since you all think I'm going to need it so much. Just take me to bed now? And stay until I sleep maybe?" It felt pathetic to ask, but he knew Joey would say yes.

"I'm not leaving at all," Joey said with a little smile, handing him the Advil and another glass of water. "Take those, and we'll head up. I might read for a while, but I'm not going anywhere. You may actually have to loan me some sweats or something, though, I totally forgot to pick up sleeping stuff at home."

"Just grab whatever you want," said Nick, swallowing the pills with only a little difficulty again; the felt like they caught in his throat, and he had to drain half the water to get them down. Joey looked at him in alarm when he gagged, but it was only momentary. "I have lots of clothes; they should fit you. And lots of books, too, for when you're sick of me."

"If I haven't gotten sick of you yet, I doubt it's gonna happen." Joey's expression was calm as he took the glass out of Nick's hand, and carried it and the bowl back to the sink. "I think your clothes'll be a little small, but I'll get by. You ready?"

"My sweats'll fit you fine, trust me," said Nick, slowly getting to his feet and steadying himself with the table. He had to close his eyes for a moment, felt the throb behind his eyes. "You'll be comfortable. I'm jealous."

Joey came up behind him, slid warm hands around him to rest low on his belly. "You'll be comfy too, once the advil kicks in and you get your PJs on. Your bed kicks ass, man, all big and soft and stuff. And just think, we're not even gonna set an alarm. You can sleep as long as you like. Now THAT is luxury."

"Will I?" asked Nick softly, not daring to open his eyes yet. "Sleep a long time? It'll be easier, right, if I mostly sleep the whole time?" He wasn't usually really good at sleeping through bad muscle aches, though -- nor sleeping sober, if he was being honest -- and he figured this was probably going to be something like that, only worse. "Can I take something to make me sleep?"

"I don't know." Joey's voice was soft too, and concerned. "Do you think...I mean, you're detoxing, right, so maybe it's not a good...but then again, you're not drinking, so it's not like it would interact or something. I don't know. Can I call AJ and find out? I think it would help if you got sleep, but I don't like the idea of knocking you out like that. I've got, from my leg, remember? These painkillers, they're really good. I wasn't going to offer them, but if you're really in that much pain. I don't know. I should call AJ."

"Okay," whispered Nick. He thought that AJ would probably say he couldn't, but when AJ was detoxing he wasn't allowed to have anything. It didn't *have* to be that way, did it? "Call AJ. But stay here?"

Joey buried his face in Nick's neck for a moment, then dropped his hands and moved away. "Not going anywhere." He picked up the phone, stared at it for a moment, and handed it to Nick with a smile. "I don't know his number. You have to call. This isn't a dumb idea, is it? I mean, they let people smoke and stuff in AA, right? And they give heroin addicts methadone. This would just be something to make you stop hurting."

"He's speed dial two," said Nick. He cracked his eyes open for just a second, to see Joey, then closed them again. "I meant to tell you. In case you needed to call him or anything ... if something happened." He really didn't know how professional people handled this; he really had avoided the subject entirely with AJ.

"Nothing's gonna happen," Joey stated firmly, even as he pressed the speed dial. "People die from drinking, not from quitting." He waited, running a hand idly up and down Nick's side. "AJ? Hey. Oh, I didn't know this was your cell, sorry-" he scowled a little at Nick. "Didn't mean to interrupt, just a quick question. What's the official policy on sleeping pills, during...just like Tylenol PM? Okay. And what about something like a Vicodin?" He paused, and grimaced. "Yeah, I figured. Okay. He's just...he's shaking and he's white as a sheet and I want...I know. Okay. Thanks, man." He pressed disconnect, and rubbed at his face with a tired-looking hand.

"Where was he?"asked Nick wearily, already so sure of what AJ had said he wasn't even going to ask. "I guess I shouldn't call him myself later, huh? He's got better things to worry about than a stupid shit like me. Can I go to bed now?"

"He was about to go into a tunnel, and told me to make sure I told you he loves you." Joey touched his hair softly. "He's going to call later. He said...he said right now you're really really susceptible to getting hooked on stuff. Kinda not-strong, and sleeping pills and 'specially painkillers are just a bad idea. You're not stupid, Nick, and he's way worried about you."

Nick sighed and squeezed his eyes shut even tighter; tears had started leaking out again, he could feel them burning in his eyes. "S'okay," he said after a moment. "I'll just ... bed. For as long as I can. Fuck."

Joey's thumbs brushed delicately under his eyes, and when Nick looked up at him, his face was serious. "I really think you should try that bath. You're strung so tight you look like you could snap. That way you'll relax a little, get warm and clean, and I won't let you fall asleep and drown. And it'll help you sleep, I know it will."

Nick nodded weakly and hoped he was right; all he could think of right then was crawling into his nice soft bed and curling up with his nice soft pillows and sleeping until this was all over with, and things were normal again. It was a nice fantasy, and one he wanted to keep with him for as long as he could.

"Just stay with me right now," was all he said aloud, his words feeling weak, too. "Don't want to be alone."

"I told you, I'm not going anywhere." Joey's hands never left him, always touching him somewhere as he urged him to stand upright, start walking, feeling so unsteady and shaky it was terrifying. "If you're really too tired, we can just go to bed. Save the bath for tomorrow. You gotta tell me how you're feeling, okay? Don't make me try to figure it out, I'm so bad at that. You tell me what you want, and I'll do it."

"I just ... feel awful," said Nick helplessly as he forced his eyes open, wiped at them clumsily with the back of his hand. "I want my life back, Joey. I want to ... to be able to do *some*thing. I'm so tired and ... and ... and it hurts so much it's ridiculous."

"I know," Joey said, sounding almost as helpless and miserable as Nick felt. "I can see that part. You just...when things change, when you start feeling something new, just tell me. If you really really want something, tell me. We're getting your life back, you're gonna be able to do things soon. You just gotta be strong, and patient."

"I've never been the patient type," muttered Nick, just putting one foot in front of the other, keeping going with Joey right alongside him. "Um ... balance not so great," he admitted as they reached the stairs. "Not sure why ... maybe it's just the headache ... "

"Need a little help?" Joey looped an arm around his waist, almost lifting him up the first step. "Why are we always struggling with these stairs? You need to get a one-story house, Nick. Seriously. Look into it." Despite everything, his voice was still light, almost laughing, even when Nick lost his step and staggered heavily against him. "OK, enough. Up you come." Before Nick knew what was happening, Joey had both arms around him and lifted, and he was...no longer trying to keep his balance. He was being carried.

"Don't drop me!" he said urgently, closing his eyes and not looking down. It had been so long since someone had carried him, since someone had been *big* enough to carry him, and he hardly remembered what it had been like. He was sure he would have enjoyed it more if he hadn't been quite so queasy. But it was definitely better than the stairs, and being in Joey's arms -- even feeling like this -- was nice.

"I won't," Joey assured him, strain barely showing in his voice as he topped the stairs and kept walking, as Nick tightened his arms around Joey's neck. "You're not much heavier than Justin, after all. I'm gonna have to feed you up, Carter, once you're back to eating normal food again. No way you should be this light with that frame." Nick felt the shift as Joey turned the corner into his room. "Last chance, baby. Bath or bed?"

"Haven't been eating much," he confessed quietly, though he figured Joey had guessed that already. Joey almost knew more about him -- about *this* -- than he did. "Bath," he decided finally. "If I fall asleep, take me to bed? Or leave me on the bathroom floor, I probably won't notice ... til I wake up."

"And give you a stiff neck and a sore back to add to everything else?" Joey snorted. "Not hardly. Plus, I like sleeping with you. That huge bed would be all lonely if I was there by myself." Nick's eyes opened as Joey lowered him back to his feet, feeling cold tile and fuzzy bathmat. Joey kissed his chin, then his mouth, and propped him against the sink while he turned on the water and found towels, humming.

"I'm not gonna be much fun in bed tonight," he said, just to be saying something. Joey had everything under control while he just felt so ... so *out* of control. Losing sight of why he was doing this, why it was worth it. "I'll try to let you touch me, though."

Joey looked at him, startled. "What? You really think I'd...Nick, have you looked in a mirror lately? No, no, I didn't mean it like that, you're gorgeous, you're always gorgeous. But you look so miserable and sick and...kinda breakable, you know. I'm not going to just attack you in bed, to get off. It's no fun unless you want it too." He bent back to the water, brushed a hand through it. "I can wait. Just sleeping with you is nice."

Nick just shook his head carefully though. "I just meant ... I won't be cuddly. My skin hurts. My everything hurts. I didn't mean you'd ... I mean, if I look even half as bad as i feel ... well, it would surprise me if you got into bed with me at all."

"Don't be an idiot," Joey said mildly, turning off the water finally. "You're beautiful. And if I'm too cuddly in my sleep or whatever, just boot me out. I sleep just fine on floors, and I won't be offended at all." He glanced up. "Do you have fun girly bath stuff? Like those little ball things full of oil? They make your skin really really soft and smell good. JC uses them all the time."

"No, no girly bath stuff," admitted Nick. "Well, unless an old girlfriend left some ... you can check the cabinet if you want, but don't hold your breath. Look, Joey ... I know I look pretty good, normally, but I'm not really at my best right now ... that's all I'm saying."

"No, you're not in peak form." Joey tilted his head consideringly. "But pale and bruised and almost-passing-out is a surprisingly good look on you. All gorgeous and delicate. Me, now, I just turn a nasty shade of green and look puffy." He reached out and pulled lightly at Nick's sleeve. "Okay, off these go. Water's hot, don't waste it."

Nick fumbled with the buttons on his pajama top, trying to get them undone by himself even though his hands were visibly shaking now. "I'll just be a minute," he mumbled, tugging in frustration at them. "It won't cool off that fast."

"Want help?" Joey was standing by, not reaching or taking over for him, just asking. He almost cried. "I've been told I'm the world champion at getting pretty things naked," Joey's grin was wide, "and I'd hate to lose my belt just because I was out of practice. You'd be doing me a favor."

Nick's face crumpled and he let his hands fall helplessly to his sides. "I'm such a loser," he muttered. "You don't have to dress it up pretty, Joey. Just ... " He couldn't ask for help, but he'd said enough that Joey didn't make him.

"Stop, just stop." Joey's hands were quick and capable on his buttons, stripping his shirt off his shoulders. "You're not a loser, so stop thinking you are. This is normal. This is what I was expecting, what *everyone* who does what you're doing goes through. You're actually doing amazingly, I'm really impressed." Those same soft hands slid the pajama bottoms down, taking Nick's boxers with them, as Nick balanced with a hand on the sink to step free. "I'm happy to help you, though."

"No one warned me," said Nick, even though that was a lie. No one could ever say something like that and be honest, say that they didn't know. "I didn't know it would end up like this ... can I just get in?" He hoped that Joey would put a hand on his arm though; he was so sure he was going to slip.

"Now's not the time to get into this part of it, but I think AJ was probably a living breathing warning to you. And now you're listening to it, and it's all good." Joey tugged him forward, holding him securely as he stepped into the steaming water. His hands on Nick's bare body sparked a weak echo of the feelings he barely remembered from the night before, but the very thought of it made his head ache. The water was almost too hot, and he stood uncertainly, a little worried about falling if he tried to sit. "Here you go." Joey pushed him down gently, and he gasped as the heat hit him.

"Hot," he breathed, even though his teeth chattered through the word and he realized that the rest of him was just that cold. The heat was good, though, and he could almost feel himself melting into the tub as Joey carefully lowered him. He didn't even give a second though to being naked in front of him -- not nude, but naked -- there was just so much else going on in his head.

"There you are." Joey let go of him, and he slid back until he was almost covered by the hot water. He could actually feel muscles pinging as they unknotted in his thighs and back and shoulders, aching with a release of tension he'd barely consciously noticed. Joey was smiling, he noticed, as he opened his eyes slowly. "You're smiling," Joey's voice was almost as warm as the water. "First time all day."

"Am I?" asked Nick, trailing his fingers lightly through the water. "Bath ... was a good idea. Helps. God, Joey ... my muscles really, really hate me right now." He sighed. "They're probably not the only ones."

"Nobody hates you, kiddo." Joey murmured, scooping hot water up over Nick's shoulders, rubbing lightly, sleeves pushed up past his elbows. "I'm glad it's working. Once Justin quit throwing up, he spent about two days in the bathtub, pretty much. Said it was the only thing that let his legs relax. I always thought that was weird, that his legs hurt the worst, but he said it was like a constant charley horse cramp."

"It's not my legs," said Nick, flexing them experimentally, splashing a bit of water up on the sides of the tub. "I mean. It is. But not the worst. My hands are bad. My back. Maybe it's the muscles you use the most?" He uncurled his hands, then winced and submerged them. "I don't know. I don't know anything."

"Well, you know what you're feeling," Joey offered. "Your hands hurt because you paint and play guitar, that makes sense. And your back because you've been all hunched over since yesterday, lookin' all uncomfortable. Just relax, let yourself stretch out, try breathing in your gut like when you're getting ready to dance in a song." Strong fingers dug into Nick's shoulders a little, before going back to running hot water down Nick's back. "I'm glad it's helping. I hate seeing you all miserable."

"You could fix that," said Nick, his eyes darting to the cabinet underneath the sink, half hoping Joey wouldn't see and half hoping that he would, and would do exactly what Nick wanted him to do. "It wouldn't take much," he whispered. "Only one ... "

Joey's eyes closed briefly, and his hands stopped moving as his chin dropped to his chest. "No, Nick." He opened them again, looked Nick right in the eye. "You just relax, let the water do its thing. My water baby. And then when you get out, we'll get that bottle, and you can dump it. I'll go, and you can dump it. Because if you don't want this, if you don't want it bad enough to be able to do that, then we're just wasting time here."

Nick closed his eyes against the solemn, intense look that Joey was giving him, and a soft whimper escaped him. "It would be so easy, Joey," he said finally, licking his lips. "You have no idea. It would be *so* easy."

"Yeah." Joey's fingers touched his face, then went away. "And it'll be easy to say yes in two weeks when you're at some industry party with an open bar and lots of drunk people. Even easier when you're driving home from the studio and you pass a liquor store. You just...you just gotta be strong. Be stubborn, like I know you can. Make up your mind that you're gonna win. I know you can do it."

Nick felt tears welling up in his eyes again and hoped the general dampness in the room would mask it. "Am I that strong?" he asked, his voice feeling so thick. "I never have been before. I've never been able to say no."

"You are." Joey sounded absolutely certain. "You totally are. Look at you, you grew up in a shitty industry and turned out amazing. You're still this sweet thing, despite everything. You got a boyfriend, even when you knew it would be hard. You're stronger than you give yourself credit for. Don't cry." Joey's fingers were back, damp and warm and soft. "It'll be okay."

"I'm not *crying*," snapped Nick, then sniffled and spoiled the whole denial altogether. "I just ... I never wanted to be this. I never wanted this to happen. Just *look* at me. I'm pathetic, Joey, just pathetic."

"Every minute you don't take a drink, you get less pathetic." Joey looked briefly guilty. "Not that you're pathetic now. I'm saying it wrong. I mean, you get stronger, every drink you don't drink, and if crying's part of it, then that isn't pathetic at all. Just keep thinking how good it's gonna feel, when you're sober and healthy and happy. It'll feel good. I've seen it."

"It might not feel good," said Nick, sniffling again and figuring he looked wet and flushed and horrible, not like he didn't already. "It might feel absolutely awful. The real world is pretty awful to deal with, most of the time. All these .... things, that I can't take a drink anymore and ignore. I mean. Not that that's what I've been doing." He bit his lip and shut up.

"Well, at least you'll know it's real. That all the decisions you make are you, not the booze. Sure, there'll be bad stuff, and you'll make mistakes, but there'll be good stuff too, and you'll get to enjoy them all the way." Joey pushed hair off his forehead, cheeks red from the steam. "And ignoring things doesn't make 'em go away, you know. Mostly they just get worse, when you do that, and then come back and bite you on the ass." Joey's head bent a little. "You can ask for help with them, you know. AJ or me, or whoever. You don't have to do everything on your own."

"i don't like asking for help," said Nick quietly, submerging even more of his body into the water. "You have to know that about me by now. And AJ ... " He chewed his lip, then stopped when it started to hurt, which didn't take long. "I don't know how I'm ever going to face him again. I must've just ... made everything harder for him, when he was trying to stop. It's probably my fault he had such a hard time."

"You can face him again," Joey settled back on his heels, not touching Nick any more. "He loves you and you know it. If you really think you did make it harder for him, though, you might want to apologize to him." He idly wiped his wet hands on his knees, leaving handprints on his jeans. "Tell him you're sorry, I bet it'll be a relief to get it off your chest, and it'll be good for him to hear it, too. And you can always ask me for help, Nick. In fact, you're gonna have to, if you want this to work."

"Help," whispered Nick softly. "Help, Joey, I can't do this alone. I'm scared and I'm tired and I hurt and I'm ... scared. I don't know what to do." He sniffled again and tried to blink the tears away and stared at his hands so he wouldn't have to look at Joey's face.

"Hey." Joey's fingers tipped up his chin, and he closed his eyes, stubborn. "Hey. That was really really good." Nick could hear the approval in Joey's voice, and risked a peek. Joey was smiling at him a little. "You're scared, and that's ok. You can't do it alone, and that's ok too, because you got people who love you who want to help. You may not know what to do, but between the bunch of us, I'll bet we can figure it out. As for the tired and hurt...you sit there for a little while and relax, and I'll give you more advil and water and put you to bed, after you pour out that bottle. We'll get through this together."

Nick nodded haltingly; pouring out that bottle was probably going to be the hardest thing he'd done yet, because he could just taste it. Just one drink would take the edge off, would make him feel okay again, and Joey was here, Joey could stop it at just the one drink so he wasn't in any danger of bingeing. It would be perfect, if only Joey would let him --

He forced himself to halt that line of reasoning right there, though. It wasn't going to happen. He wasn't going to drink. He could be strong, because Joey believed he could be strong and he felt like he had something to prove. To both of them. To everyone.

"I hope i sleep a lot," was all he said aloud, knowing that Joey could probably read layers of meaning into that, given everything they'd already been through that day. And since they met.

"I do too." Joey winced a little, and Nick wondered what he was remembering. "It'd make it easier on you, and I could catch up on my reading. And if you're sleeping when I gotta leave, I won't worry as much." He sighed. "Though I'll still probably call AJ to check on you. My mama says I should've been born with a uterus, the way I hover over people. She's probably right."

"But I probably wouldn't like you nearly as much if you had been," said Nick, trying to force a smile. "Or at least, I would've liked you different. If ... if I'm gonna see AJ then ... then I guess I can talk to him about it. I guess I can try, um, depending on what kind of shape I'm in."

Joey snickered a little, nodding. "Yeah, a uterus would definitely get in the way of this relationship. For one thing, I'd probably already be carrying around the next generation of Carters, and man, I've *seen* pregnancy." He shuddered theatrically. "Terrifying." He sobered up, and looked at Nick. "You can tell him. You maybe need to apologize, but you didn't really know what you were doing. You couldn't, till now. He'll understand, and he'll respect you for saying it. I'll bet he apologized for a lot of stuff when he came out of rehab, right?"

Nick nodded. "I think it was something he was supposed to do," he said, feeling some of his muscles start to tighten up again, already, and a wash of queasiness go through him. "He ... " He paused to swallow thickly. "He did it an awful lot, anyway."

"Yeah, well, there's a reason for that. And he'll know just what you're going through." Joey frowned at him quickly. "You ok? You were all flushed and warm, and you just went white again. You need me to get you something? You want to get out?"

Nick swallowed again. "I ... I think I'm gonna be sick," he said, the words all coming out in a rush as another wave of nausea passed over him."Fuck, Joey, I think I'm gonna -- " And then he was trying to scramble out of the tub, but his limbs wouldn't obey, tangling and slipping and unwilling to hold his weight.

Joey's hands hurt him when they grabbed and lifted him, holding him too hard with the rush, but every bit of his concentration was focused on keeping his throat closed on everything that wanted to come up and he couldn't even whimper. Then he was on his knees, naked and dripping in front of the toilet, Joey still holding his arms from behind him, and he couldn't hold it in any more.

He was vaguely aware of Joey saying something to him as he heaved and choked, but his whole world had narrowed to the misery that was his stomach and his burning throat and the taste in his mouth.

When the heaving finally stopped he spat to try to get the taste out, but there was almost no moisture left in his mouth. He felt wretched, just awful, worse than he'd imagined he would. And on top of that he was humiliated, that Joey was here to see him like this, see him at his worst. There was no way he'd want to be with Nick afterwards; he'd be surprised if Joey stayed a moment longer than he felt obligated to.

"I think it's passed," he rasped out a few moments later, heaving in breath and breath and trying to ignore the lingering nausea.

"Shhh." Joey ran a hand down Nick's back, a firm stroke from nape to hip, holding him steady where he was, and his other hand magically appeared in front of Nick's face, holding a mug with water. "Here, rinse and spit. No drinking yet. No, no," as Nick raised a trembling hand to the mug, "you'll drop it, you're all shaking. Just sip. Rinse and spit, and stay put. I need to get some clothes for you, you gotta stay warm."

Nick had to let Joey feed him the water, even though that was even more humiliating. But he did it anyway, and he did feel better after, even though he was trembling, so much, and he couldn't seem to stop. And crying again, and he couldn't seem to stop *that*, either.

One of his big soft towels wrapped around him from behind, and Joey rubbed him dry, letting him lean wearily on the toilet for support, head hanging. "Hey, hey." Joey was almost humming to him. "It's okay, it's all good. You're just getting the poison out, remember? It's okay, it's nothing bad. You'll be all right, sweetheart, I won't let anything bad happen. You want pyjamas?" He could hear Joey stand, but couldn't gather the energy to look up at him.

"Something soft," Nick rasped out, his throat feeling raw. "Something ... won't hurt." He reached out with one arm to steady himself, his head spinning, nausea rising again. But he didn't think there was anything left to come up.

"Okay." Joey's hand steadied him again, more gently this time, and he went away. Nick felt even colder, and shook harder, waiting for Joey to come back. The floor was really hard and cold under his knees, and he wanted his bed more than anything, but-

He didn't even finish the thought before he was convulsing, dry-heaving helplessly, and Joey was back, holding his head again, making soft sounds.

He coughed and choked and finally it passed, and this time he didn't even care that Joey was there, that he had seen, because he was the only good thing that Nick was feeling right then. Everything else was just a big ball of miserableness. "Water?" he asked finally, the word barely louder than a whisper and sounding oh, so pathetic.

"Here you go, man. Little sips." Joey held the water for him, and Nick sipped obediently, feeling the water settle cold and alien in his stomach. "I brought your pjs, the flannel ones, okay? And something for your knees, let's get you more comfortable, all right?" Joey eased the shirt over his shoulders, getting his arms into the sleeves, and Nick sighed at the softness. He wasn't sure how he was going to get the pants on, though. Standing up felt just about as possible as flying, at the moment.

"I think -- " he murmured, then cleared his throat painfully. "I think you're gonna have to make do with ... with me flapping in the breeze a little longer." Then he pressed his forehead to the cool edge of the toilet and let the relief flood through him, brief as it was. "I'm stayin' right here."

There was a frown in Joey's voice. "I don't want you gettin' cold. Seriously, your body can't keep itself warm right now. Just a little more, just lift up a little. We can get them on. I love the view, but it's not very practical." Hands tugged at Nick's waist, and he sighed. His legs were rubber. He was only staying on his knees because gravity was helping him out.

"Joey, I can't," he mumbled, lifting one hand and wiping that back of it across his mouth. "I'm not ... I just can't. I'm sorry ... " He bowed his head again, too dehydrated to form tears, he figured, because the sensation was there but none came. It was almost a relief.

"It's ok." Joey's hands pulled him back gently until he almost toppled off his knees, landing on his ass with an 'oof.' "Here. Just stretch your legs out. I'm not gonna have you getting hypothermia, too." Nick kept his eyes closed, not wanting to see Joey dressing him like he was some kind of baby, even though he was brisk and efficient, like he'd done this before. The smooth cotton slid up over his thighs, then Joey lifted him and he was dressed. He slumped back against Joey's body, unspeakably weary.

"I feel like a PSA," Nick murmured, wiping at his mouth again. "One of those real tearjerker ones. 'Kids, don't do drugs, or one day you'll end up like this guy'." It hurt to talk, though, his throat still feeling raw, and he curled helplessly into Joey's body.

Juey hummed low, an agreeing sound. "Yeah, you're not lookin' so great right now, I have to say. Kind of green and see-through, all at the same time." His hand rested on Nick's chest, light as a feather. "And your heart's going a mile a minute. How's your stomach? Better now?" He was warm, and Nick felt his shivers slowly subside, though the painful tension in all his muscles was still there.

He nodded slowly. "I think so," he whispered. "I don't think I'm going to throw up again ... just right now. But ... water? Could you?" He felt like he wanted to cough, to clear some of the crap that it still felt like was clogging his throat, but he was sure, so sure, that it would hurt if he did.

"Sure." Joey put the cup in his hand, wrapping his own long fingers around, holding Nick's hand around the water. "Here, sip slowly. Hold it in your throat before you swallow all the way, it'll help." Nick's hand was shaking, hard, but he knew Joey could feel it. His eyes burned and ached, and it felt like his bones were trying to poke through his skin. Everything hurt. Everything.

He managed to sip a couple of times, and it helped a little, then he let Joey put the water down again. "And it gets worse?" he managed to get out, his face crumpling as he thought of the night, and day, and night ahead still. "It gets worse than this? Joey ... I can't ... "

"Sweetheart." Joey held him tight, but didn't disagree. "Baby." A soft kiss on his neck, comforting. "You can. You *can*. You will, I know it. Just remember, it won't last forever."

"You don't know," said Nick, raising his voice a little even though it hurt. "You don't know, Joey, you don't know what this is *like*. And I don't even know ... I don't even know who I'm gonna be, when I come through. I don't even know if it's gonna be worth it, if I'm gonna be worth anything. Why am I doing this?"

"I don't know what it's like." Joey's voice was even, calming. "I don't. But AJ does, and Justin does. People have done this before, they've survived. You will too. And you're this brilliant kid, Nick, you're worth so much, and it'll be so much easier to remember that once you're through this. You'll be you again, and that's a pretty cool thing, don't you think?"

"Depends who I am, really," said Nick, his voice dropping to a whisper now. "I want to go to bed, Joey." He eyed the cabinet under the sink again. If thinks got that bad, got *too* bad, that was his way out. He'd leave it there, just in case. Just in case he needed it.

"Okay. If you think your stomach's back where it should be." Joey moved his arms, and Nick shivered again at the removal of his heat source. "I see you looking." Joey's voice was almost a whisper. "You gotta pour that out, Nick." He hauled Nick to his feet and leaned him against the sink, shaking like a leaf, and Nick spared a moment to be amazed at the way Joey handled him, like he was Howie or something. "I'm going to go. Get a basin for you, just in case. I think, I think." Joey was looking at him, looking a little scared and a lot tired. "I think you need to make a decision." He backed towards the door, eyes wide and sad.

Nick watched him go, not doing anything to either agree or disagree with what Joey was saying. And so Joey still had that look on his face when he left.

He was right though, Nick did have to make a decision. A decision he was in *no* shape to make right then, feeling as awful as he did. Letting himself slide to the floor again, he opened the cupboard and pulled out the bottle, cradling it in his lap. He could open it and take a drink now. And another. And his body might stop this agony and start to feel whole again. Or he could open it and drain it, and have Joey come back to him and help him through this and find out just who and what he could be without it.

He twisted the cap off halfway, then stared at it the bottle some more. And then decided not to open it at all. With everything he had left in him, and a little bit more than that, he hurled the glass bottle against the wall of the tub. He watched it shatter, bits of glass and broken tile raining down into the tub, the liquid quickly slipping down the drain, out of his reach.

Joey came through the door like a freight train, slamming the door back on its hinges and skidding to a stop at his side, hands reaching. "Oh fuck, Nick, are you...I heard..." He trailed off as he looked at the tub, seeing the damage and the broken glass, and his touch changed from worried to comfort. "Oh, Nick." He grabbed Nick in a fierce hug, lifting him off his feet. "Goddamn FUCK I was scared, and I'm so proud of you, FUCK!" He stepped back from the sink, still holding Nick. "Come to bed now, baby. It'll be okay."

"Please," whimpered Nick, letting Joey take him away without protest. "Please, I just want to sleep now, i just wan't to forget. I almost didn't, Joey ... it would've been so easy ... "

"I know, I know," Joey's crooning, but Nick can still hear the delight in his voice. "But you did, and that's what matters. That's the important thing. Come on, take it easy." Nick felt him move, and then he was being slid onto the bed. The softness, after the hard floor, was like heaven. "Better? Can I get you anything?"

"A couple years of my life back?" murmured Nick with a sigh, burrowing into the soft covers. "Please, just stay. If I wake up alone I don't know what I'll do, Joey. I don't trust me right now. I don't think I could do something like that -- like I just did -- again."

Joey pulled and tugged at the covers, then slipped in next to Nick, still fully clothed, and wrapped himself around Nick's back, hands flat on his belly. "I'm so proud," he breathed into Nick's ear. "You're so amazing."

"I'm not amazing," argued Nick, torn between curling up next to Joey and pulling away from being touched. In the end, though, he realized he was going to hurt anyway, and relaxed into Joey's embrace. "I'm just trying to get through, Joey. I don't feel amazing and I don't feel strong and I don't feel anything but awful."

"Your body feels awful," Joey argued. "Doesn't your mind feel a little relieved? You proved to yourself that you can do this, you can do the hardest things. Aren't you proud? 'Just getting through,' as you put it...that's a hard thing, Nick, and you're doing great. You're making it."

"We'll see," said Nick, closing his eyes and pulling the covers over his head so he was fully cocooned in darkness and warmth. He still had so, so far to go. "We'll see, Joey."

* * *

Nick moaned as he returned to consciousness again, his head throbbing in time with his heartbeat and ten times as hard. The bed didn't feel so great anymore, and for the first few moments he didn't even know where he was. His stomach lurching uneasily, full of only water and the bit of juice he managed to get down, he struggled his way out of the thich covers and took a gasp of fresh, cool air, hoping to calm it.

He breathed a few times, sitting absolutely still in the hopes that his stomach would settle. It didn't, but it did subside into a low queasiness that he could almost ignore. He moved his head experimentally, then winced. Bad idea. He was so drained he was shaking again.

"Hey." He thought he was hallucinating, and refused to open his eyes. He knew that voice. "You gonna hurl? You need anything?"

Nick groaned and slid back into the bed and pulled a pillow over his head, hiding his face. So far Joey had been the only person to see him like this and he trusted him with it; it was really different having AJ here. He may have been through this himself, but that didn't mean Nick felt any less stupid or awful or embarrassed that he was the one in this situation, now, and AJ was there to see it.

"Just let me die," he mumbled.

"Okay." AJ sounded horribly cheerful, and nothing like Joey, who'd been keeping things quiet and sympathetic and Nick missed him fiercely already. "You look pretty much like I expected you to, only you're not passed out curled up around the toilet, which is pretty fucking fantastic at this point, let me tell you. Fatone must be doing something right."

Nick pulled the pillow off his head and shoved it underneath him, sinking in again as he quickly realized the futility of hiding. "Don't be a jerk and just give me my advil, all right?" he said, still hoarse from throwing up again the last time he'd woken. When Joey had, thankfully, still been there. "I feel so awful."

"Here." AJ had two pills ready, along with a glass of water, and despite his tone, his hands were gentle as he helped Nick hold them. Nick looked him over as he swallowed, painfully, and frowned. AJ was wearing his shades and a knit hat and sleeves that covered half his hands, a look Nick wasn't used to seeing when they weren't in public.

"There you go. I promise, I'll try not to be a jerk." AJ's smile was dry. "I don't want my ass beat in by your giant nanny when he gets home, after all."

"He would, too," said Nick, trying a joke. "Nobody hurts his baby." He wiped his mouth with his hand as he set the glass off water down, trying hard not to slop water over the edges. "What's with the -- " He swallowed reflexively as his stomach threatened to revolt again, but it quickly calmed. He gestured at AJ's clothes. "What's with the get-up?"

"Nothing. It was bright outside, is all." AJ shifted uneasily in the chair, and Nick wished he could see his eyes. Realized that maybe AJ didn't want him to, and dropped his head back wearily onto the pillow. "How you really doing, Nick? Like, in your head? You doing okay with this, and with Joey, and everything? It seems like a lot, all at once. How you hangin' in?"

"You're inside," Nick pointed out, then dropped it and groaned again. "I dunno, Aje. I don't know what I'm doing here. I just know ... " He sighed, trying to figure out what it was he knew. "Joey's one of the best things that's happened to me in a long time. I can't even hate his guts for making me feel like this, because he made it my choice." He rubbed his temple with one finger, then stopped when it made him feel worse. "Are you sure i can't just roll over and die? Fuck."

"Yeah, pretty sure." AJ smiled, the first hint of sympathy Nick had seen so far. "It'll get better, you know, eventually. You're actually doing really good, much better than I was. By this point, my *doctors* were wishing they could roll over and die." He pushed his shades further up his nose. "I'm glad you got somebody, though. And he really does seem to be doing shit right. S'like he's done this before. Maybe I won't kill him for doing dirty things to my baby brother after all."

"He has," said Nick, but didn't elaborate. He wasn't sure it was his business to. "And he wasn't afraid to ask you for help, either. AJ, can you ...?" He propped himself up on one arm and reached blindly for AJ's sunglasses, not even getting close. "I want to see you," he said, then gave up and reached for his own glasses that Joey had, thankfully, left within easy reach for him.

He slipped them on, and glanced back at AJ. He'd taken off the sunglasses and was fiddling with them jerkily. His eyes looked raw and almost bruised, even though he wasn't looking at Nick directly.

"So he's got experience, that's cool." AJ smiled a little. "I won't ask who, that ain't my business, but I'm glad to hear it. Can I relay the info back to Bri and Howie and Kev? They're kinda freaking out, you know, that you're not answering your phone."

Nick hesitated before nodding. "I guess someone has to," he said, licking his dry lips and reaching for the water again. "AJ?" he said, after taking a short sip, holding the cup between both hands so it wouldn't spill. "AJ ... I'm doing okay, I think. I'm miserable ... but i think I'm holding out okay ... "

"Good. Good to hear." AJ turned the sunglasses in his hands, end over end, over and over, keeping his gaze on them. "How about your folks? Aaron called me yesterday, said your cell was turned off. I told him you were sick, but you were okay, I didn't know what to say. Alla sudden, I'm your secretary." Nick caught the grin AJ tossed at him. "Not that I mind so much, but if you're gonna hole up for too much longer you might want to let people know you're alive."

"I'm not calling my family," said Nick, immediately and firmly. "They can't know ... and they especially can't know about Joey. But ... just tell Aaron I'm okay? And that I'll call him in a couple days? I can't ... not now ... not yet. But I'll tell him." He took another sip of the water, felt his stomach roll again. "Oh ... oh fuck ... " he murmured, and tried to will it back.

"Ah fuck," AJ echoed him, diving for the basin that Joey had thoughtfully left by the bed, and by the time Nick lost his battle with his gag reflex, AJ was right there next to him holding it steady. "There you go. Don't fight it, dude, you'll just rip the shit out of your throat." Nick coughed weakly and hung his head.

He didn't want to see AJ's eyes any more, didn't want to see the way AJ was probably looking at him now. But he knew that whatever it was, he deserved it. When his stomach finally settled again, he took another sip of the water.

"Thanks," he mumbled, staring down, then closing his eyes.

"Hey." Cool heavy silver contrasted with the warmth of AJ's palm on his forehead, and he thought, vaguely, "rings," and opened his eyes again. AJ looked miserable, actually. A lot like Nick felt. "Hey, you're okay, right? You're doing good. Just keep sipping that water, man, you've gotta keep some liquid comin' in, even if it mostly just comes back out."

Nick sipped again obediently, soothing his throat, splashing only a little on this thumb. He put the water back down a moment later and leaned back into the pillows."Are you okay?" he rasped out. "AJ, are *you* okay?"

"Pretty fucking guilty, actually, but okay." AJ's mouth twisted in what might have been a smile. "As long as you're doing all right, that's what matters. I did apologize for being such a shitty example, right, when I was doing that? It's all kind of a big blur of 'sorry' right now. My therapist says I'm repressing the humiliation. Can't say as I mind."

"But you weren't," said Nick, even at the same time as he knew that was a lie. A lot of how he acted, what he did, he'd learned from AJ first. But he didn't do this because of him, he wasn't who he was because of AJ. "You were a good example, too. I mean ... I'm here, right? I'm trying this?" He offered AJ a shaky smile. "I ... think I have some apologies of my own to make ... " But first, more water, since he couldn't have a drink to make it come any easier.

"Yeah, sure." AJ was up off the bed with startling quickness, grabbing Nick's mug and heading for the sink. "Don't lie, dude," he called over his shoulder. "I taught you how to do body shots, you think I'm not hatin' on myself right now? But-" he came back, full cup in hand, "you're doing it, you're doing good, and whatever the reason, I'm damn grateful." This time his smile was real. "Maybe Audrey'll send Joey a fruit basket or something. She was getting real sick of hearing about you." He slid back onto the bed at Nick's side, crossing his legs. He was barefoot, Nick noticed. "Don't worry about apologizing now. You just get better."

Nick sipped the water gratefully. "You really talk about me that much, to her?" The advil was kicking in again; right now it was like a miracle drug, if short lived. The pain decreased, his head cleared, everything felt enough better that he wanted to start living again. Even if he still felt like crap, compared to what good felt like.

"Sorta." AJ shrugged it off. "Guilt's a pisser, man, I'm telling you. Every time you got carried home, she heard about it." He picked at the comforter idly. "So, you wanna watch a video or something? Read? Distraction's the key, I'm telling you. Occupy the brain so it can forget about the body for a while."

"You don't wanna talk?" said Nick, nodding his head. "Okay ... I understand. We don't have to. I mean ... it's not like *I'm* begging to or something ... " He looked down at his hands again, rocked back and forth a little, tried not to think so hard."

"Nicky." He looked up at that. AJ hadn't called him Nicky in years, and was staring at him, serious. "We can do whatever you want, man, just don't do that rocking thing, it makes me nuts cuz I know you only do it when you're freaking out and I can't fix it." He actually reached out, grabbed Nick's hand, and held on tight. "I'm just...dude. I'm so fucking glad you stopped drinking, I don't even know what to say."

"I'm not sure I'm glad yet." admitted Nick, still rocking, just slightly. "I'll ... get back to you on that. You think I'm doing good? You looked at the bathroom yet? Gonna have to get that retiled. I haven't kept down anything in, like, two days. I'm a mess. I'm hopeless and I'm still not sure from one moment to the next that I'm gonna see this through. And on top of that, I'm probably gonna have to come out to, like, everyone i know, a lot sooner than i'm ready to. So yeah ... I guess I"m freaking out a little."

"It's okay to freak out," AJ assured him, leaning into his shoulder so he was rocking with Nick. "It's a pretty freakish thing. You're doing real good, though, and I ain't just saying that. You're talking in complete sentences and you're sitting up, which is more than I could say for myself in the first three days. You're not hopeless, either. An' coming out...well, most of the people already know, or guess, I bet. And we still love you, right? And I *know* Joey's got your back, he might seem like a pussycat, but shit, that kid's a bruiser." He laughed, a little. "And you'll be glad. Man, I was glad, and I was never happier than when I was wasted, I thought."

"The vocabulary leaves me once the pills wear off," Nick muttered, closing his eyes again. "AJ ... this is really scary. How did you do it? Every minute -- every *second* -- I want to get a drink. I didn't even know ... I didn't know it was this bad ... until I tried to stop. Fuck. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"Hey, don't apologize to *me*," AJ sounded upset. "You done nothing to me, kiddo. It gets harder, then it gets easier. Sometimes now I go a whole day and don't want a drink. I mostly did it by getting scared, which made me pissed off, but that's just me." He sighed. "I know you're doing great, you're doing so good, but I know how bad it is, and man. I can't help it, I kinda wish you'd gone to my clinic, you know? That way I'd know they were doing stuff for you to make it easier. I wanted a drink every minute, but that wasn't even a possibility."

"I couldn't," insisted Nick, shaking his head even though it made him dizzy. "That just ... it wasn't the right way for me, AJ. It's *not* the right way. I've been trying to figure out why not and it's been ... it's been *hard* because thinking's so *hard* right now ... but I think i'm not ready to let strangers help me. i can't face them yet. And I dunno if that means I'm not really ready to do this ... but i'm trying it my way and i have people to help and ... i'm doing the right thing, right? I"m not being stupid?"

"You're not being stupid." AJ squeezed him in a quick hard hug. "You're doin' it your way, just like you always do, that's your thing. Independent little fuck." He grinned at Nick fondly. "Though if this doesn't, y'know, work? Will you at least think about it? Not that I'm sayin' it won't work," he added hastily, "because you're well on your way, man, well on your way."

"Joey won't let me fail," said Nick confidently, suddenly not wanting to think about not making it. Not wanting to fail himself this time, to fail Joey and AJ and everyone else who knew he was trying, and was rooting for him. "*I* won't let me fail. If the whole scene in the bathroom didn't prove that ... nothing will. Still scared though. Hurts so much ... so hard ... and it's not over yet ... "

"Nope, not over yet, but like I said, you're on your way. You got the rough part over already, deciding to stop. From here on in it's just getting it done." AJ settled back against the headboard, shoulder to shoulder with Nick. "What happened in the bathroom, anyway? You didn't punch the wall, did you? Your hands look okay."

Nick shook his head, but he looked at his hands anyway. They still hurt, ached. "There was ... a bottle, under the sink. And. And Joey let me decide ... what to do with it. Drink it or dump it." He chewed on his lip, remembering how close he'd come to making the other decision. "I threw it against the wall. It was ... a mess. I think Joey cleaned it up, though."

"Yeah, there wasn't any evidence, beyond the messed up tiling." AJ cocked his head. "I can't decide if I think Fatone's a genius or an utter fucking retard, but at least you made the right call. That's huge, man. I know how hard it must've been, too." He shuddered a little, then shook his head and nudged Nick with an elbow. "Drink your water."

"That was when -- " Nick began hoarsely, then drank some water when AJ gestured at it again. "That was when I started doing this for me, and not for him. So no, he's not an "utter fucking retard". If I'd taken the drink, the I either needed to be doing this in rehab or i wasn't ready to do it at all." It was the first time his mind had put it together like that, let alone gave him the ability to express it, but it clicked. It felt right.

"No, it was a good idea, I just don't know about the timing," AJ assured him. "You don't hafta defend his honor to me, or anything. Sounds like he made a good call, after all." He smiled sideways at Nick. "You sound a little more enthusiastic about this than you did when you first woke up. Good to see."

"Well, just wait," said Nick. "Fuck, AJ, you weren't kidding about the mood swings. They just slam into me outta *no*where. Grab the good moments while you can, there's no telling how long they're gonna last." He pushed his glasses up his nose and started chewing nervously on one of his nails. "You think Joey's okay, right? All kidding aside?"

"Okay, like, he's gonna survive? I think he'll probably make it. Okay, like, a decent human being? Dunno, don't know the guy that well, but he'd better treat you right. Okay, like, he's good for *you*? Again, I dunno, but it's looking good so far. He's a protective one, that guy." AJ grinned at him. "I wasn't kidding when I said he was a bruiser. You remember that night when Howie went home with that chick and her twin sister and then never had sex with them? Well, me and him ran into Joey and JC at some club, and Joey beat the ever loving holy Jesus out of some huge dude who was hassling Chasez. Sight to see, man, sight to see."

Nick grinned, imagining Joey doing just that. And JC being all confused about what the fuss was about in the first place. "I really like him, AJ. And ... I know you and I never really talked about this much before, for real, but ... we could ... " He lifted his eyes to AJ's searchingly. "It would certainly kill some time, until the pills wear off and i turn into a pumpkin again."

"Talked about what?" AJ shifted comfortably, and smiled into his eyes, that weird miserable guilty look mostly gone. "Fatone? I just mostly gave him the McLean seal of approval, if you missed that part. I'm glad you got somebody, it helps. And I'm glad he's not a fucker, because that would suck."

"Me and guys," said Nick quietly. "I know you know, I know we've talked about it, but we haven't ... *talked* about it. I dunno. Maybe I'm being stupid. I just want to have someone to talk to about it, when i go and fall in love with him or something."

AJ looked at him carefully. "You think...huh. You think that's gonna happen?" He rubbed at his face a little. "Huh. Wow. Joey Fatone as a brother in law. That might take some getting used to. I don't...I know we haven't talked about it, much, but you always got so weird and quiet when it came up, I just figured you wanted to keep it private. You know I got no problems with it, right? You can always come to me, man, you know that. Anything you want to say, I'm here."

"Me and Joey, it could happen," said Nick honestly. "And ... I know I've kinda been in denial. Still am. It's not ... and easy thing for me, AJ, you know my family. But I can't pretend he's not here in my life, in a really prominent way now, and I have to deal. Which means talking about it, a little at least." He gave AJ a tentative smile. "I'm sure your therapist would agree with me. For once."

AJ smiled back, also a little carefully. "And...he's, y'know, on the same page as you? With stuff? He's, like, open and everything? Because if you're all about busting out of the closet and he ain't, that could be bad." He wrinkled his nose, thinking. "Though come to think about it, I knew he was into guys a while ago, so he can't be that secret. And yeah, you can talk about it with me. Everything. Audrey would be proud as shit."

"He's, like, a hundred times more open about it than me," said Nick with a sigh. "So yeah, nothing to worry about *there*. He's years ahead of me at everything, really. I don't usually feel like a kid with people anymore, you know? But with him ... and I don't mean this in a bad way ... but it's like, like playing catch-up. Everything i do he's already been through. Which is good, mostly, but ... makes me wonder what he sees in me. Specially -- " He looked down at himself dismally. "Specially right now. When one of the first impressions of me he ever has is me detoxing."

"Hey, nothing brings people together like a little shaking, collapsing and vomiting session," AJ said breezily. "You said he's been through this before, so it ain't like this is some big shock to him. It's not even something for you to be embarrassed about, since it's all towards a really good goal. And you're a hot catch, Nick Carter. I'd be on you like white on rice, if I swung that way. No doubt. You got a lot to offer, don't let some miserable detoxing days make you think you're not good enough. He's still here, right? He must see something he likes. I'm betting it's your fine ass, myself, but Howie thinks he likes your eyes."

Nick chuckled softly. "He's hardly even been able to see either, since we met," he admitted ruefully. "And you know you *wouldn't* have gone for me, AJ, even if you were full-blown queer. Not with me like I am. I don't have much to offer at *all*."

"Why, Nickolas, are you implying I'm not full-blown straight?" AJ batted long eyelashes at him campily, then ruined it by chuckling. "And don't feed me that nonsense. Joey's practically worshipping at your feet, and I'd have kept your dick firmly in my mouth for the last four years if it wouldn't have been all nasty and incestual. You're hot, you're fucking brilliant, you're talented. What's not to offer?"

"I imply nothing," said Nick, still smiling, able to quell the mild roll of his stomach that time. "I'm betting the closest a dick's ever come to your mouth is when you and I used to wrestle in our underwear. But that doesn't matter. I'm not ... he could do *so* much better than me, AJ, but I don't want him to. And ... I'm afraid he'll take off when he realizes just how much *work* I'm gonna be ... "

"You'd lose that bet, baby doll," AJ said smugly. "And really, Nick, I don't think he's under any illusions about your high-maintenance ass. I mean, so far he's seen you drunk, drunker and sobering up. If he hasn't taken off yet, I doubt he will when you bitch about your socks being too small, y'know?" He jogged Nick with an elbow. "High maintenance or not, he couldn't do better than you anyway."

"You're a sweet guy," commented Nick, pulling his knees up to his chest but making sure the blanket was still covering him. It was so cold in his bedroom, he didn't know why it was so cold. "Who knew? I don't believe you -- about the dick thing *or* about Joey -- but still. Sweet. You may have just found your calling there."

"I am not sweet!" AJ's horror was too extreme to be feigned. "I'm not fucking...SWEET! You're just all miserable and down on yourself, so stop that. It's clearly making me insane." He shuddered. "And I wouldn't lie, anyway. Especially not to seem *sweet.*"

Nick snorted and stared at his knees for a while before speaking again. "Okay, fine, not sweet. You're really just crusty and jaded and you're laughing at my pain on the inside." Which actually wasn't all that far-fetched. AJ wasn't spouting psychobabble at him, which probably meant that he wasn't taking this seriously. "So. You and Joe get to talk much before he left?"

"I'm not *laughing*." AJ's fingers dug into his arm painfully. "What the fuck? You think I'd laugh about this shit? How can you think that?" He visibly relaxed, and let go, shaking his head and breathing deep. "Sorry, man, but you know better. You know I been where you are."

"So then you know that *really* hurt," muttered Nick, rubbing his arm. "I didn't mean it, all right? But then again, why wouldn't you laugh? Little Nicky getting himself into all this trouble when he should've known better. Can't even get clean right. Still fucking everything up. Can't even get himself a cute girlfriend and be a popstar the right way. May as well give up, huh? What's the point ... don't even know why I'm doing this ... "

"Whoa, hello, mood swing." AJ was back to his normal smirking self, and Nick didn't know whether to be relieved or just sink back into the bed and die. "You're not fucking anything up, for one thing. For another thing, you got yourself a big ol' prettyboy boyfriend, which is almost as good as a girlfriend, historically. You gotta disassociate yourself from the guilt and move forward with the recovery." He nodded wisely. "This is classic depression syndrome, a coping mechanism that'll encourage you to relapse. Try to push it away."

Nick just stared at him blankly for a long moment. "Right," he said finally. "*That* helped. Are you trying to make me feel stupid on top of everything else? Cause really, AJ, I've already got that one pretty well covered. You think i don't feel so fucking stupid already? Being like ... like *this*? In front of Joey? In front of *you*?"

AJ threw his hands up. "Shit! I can't win with you! I'm just tryin' to say all the shit they said to me, but I can't remember half of it, because I was fuckin' raving! I'm not trying to make you feel stupid! What, you think I've been secretly hating you for all these years and now I'm taking advantage of your weakness to give you a quick kick in the nuts? Fuck!" He dropped his head into his hands. "You got no reason to feel stupid anyway. You haven't done *half* the dumbass stuff I did before I figured shit out. You're ahead of the game, in case you hadn't noticed."

"No, I *hadn't* noticed that," snapped Nick, AJ's voice making his head ache worse again. "All I'm noticing right now is that I can't think, I can't walk, I can't use my fucking hands, i need help getting to the washroom just to take a *piss*, for fuck's sake. I stink of sweat and vomit and I'm cold and I *hurt* and there's not a single thing in the world that I want right now more than just one fucking drink. And that is *all* I'm noticing. All right?"

AJ's eyes narrowed at him, then he grinned tightly. "Right. And you did it all to yourself, and you're fifteen kinds of pissed off. Fucking *finally.* You kept pissing and moaning for much longer, I was going to start getting really worried. And your body ain't keeping you warm, but getting angry will." He slid off the bed, rubbing his hands briskly. "You need help getting to the can? Wanna take a shower and get clean? Hot water's the shit, man. It'll make you a new man."

"Do you have to be so fucking *cheerful*?" groaned Nick, rubbing his forehead to try to make the pain go away."I know you've been through this, AJ. Tell me you wouldn't have been throwing things at someone who acted all sunny around you. And don't lie." He sniffed at himself and made a face. "Joey's gonna give me another bath later. Might be nice to be clean for him ... but considering that would mean *you* would have to help wash me? I'm guessing i'm gonna have to pass on that."

"I *did* throw things at people, dude, I told you that. And I'm not bein' sunny, I'm giving you positive reinforcement and distracting you." He grimaced. "If I can keep the image of Joey Fatone giving you a sponge bath out of my head. You do smell kinda ripe, you sure you don't wanna just rinse off? I've seen you naked lots of times, you know."

Nick shook his head slightly and sighed, burying his face in his knees. "Can't stand up in the shower long enough, don't want someone having to hold my hand." Especially not AJ, who he still couldn't help feeling like was looking down on him. "Do you compare yourself to me?" he asked, hardly recognizing the transition between his internal voice and his physical one. "Are you doing it right now? Thinking about how you handled this better than me, how it's ridiculous I'm doing this on my own? Are you wondering if i'm gonna make it?"

"Nope." AJ sounded totally serious for once, and his voice was even lower than usual. "All I'm doing is hoping it's easier for you than it was for me." He slapped Nick lightly on the shoulder, reprovingly. "What've I done that makes you think I'm such a complete asshole, anyway? Because I gotta tell you, you keep kicking me in the gut like this, you're not gonna be the only one puking. Hurts pretty bad, knowing my little bro thinks about me like that."

"Not about you," muttered Nick. "Everyone's thinking that about me. Joey tol' me about my reputation now ... as a drunk. Always in trouble. Gonna wreck things for all of you at this rate." He sighed, made sure his face was completely hidden. "Gonna crawl in a hole and die now."

A strong hand at the nape of his neck hauled him back up, and he was startled into a growl. AJ growled right back. "Keep it together for a couple more minutes, ok? So I can say this and not have to repeat myself too many times. You're not wrecking anything. You're doing the right thing. You've got a bit of a reputation, yeah, but it's nothing like what mine was, and we're still here. You're getting better. Nobody's thinking anything about you except that we're super proud of you. So get out of that dark place in your head."

"Like it's just that easy," said Nick, locking his eyes with AJ's even knowing his own were red-rimmed and huge and probably gave away everything he was thinking and feeling. "Like I can just decide to do that and have it happen. It doesn't *work* like that. I'm -- fuck -- I'm so close to giving up, AJ. Every minute I'm so close to giving up, i just want this to be *over*."

AJ's hand, still on his neck, pulled him forward into a hug, his forehead bumping AJ's shoulder. "Trust me dude, I *know*. I really know. But you gotta try, and you gotta hang in there. Every minute you don't give up is...it's just huge. One step closer, and you're one minute closer to it being over. Me an' Joey, we're here for you. You know that, right? And the guys, too. You don't have to do it all alone."

"How did you do it?" said Nick helplessly, pressing his cheek to AJ's shoulder. "How were you *here* and now you're *there*, all that really long, long way above me. *How*, AJ?"

AJ's hands were gentle in his hair. "I just did what you're doin'. Just got mad and stubborn and decided I wasn't going to be that drunk moron any more, and yelled and cried a lot, and begged for a drink, and then it got better. It does, you know. People do this, they get through it and get better. You will too, Nick."

"Joey's been so good," he murmured, feeling safe for the moment. "He's so patient. He won't blame me, but he won't lemme get away with shit either. Like .. the bottle in the bathroom. He won't ... " Nick sighed. "He makes sure I still know i'm responsible. Hate that. But know he's right."

"Yeah. We talked about that a little." AJ didn't move, even though Nick knew he must stink. "He's got his head on right, he knows what he's getting into. I like your boy, Nicky." He sighed. "Y'all are gonna be good for each other, I think. He's not afraid to do the right thing."

"I like my boy a lot," said Nick with a happy sigh, letting images of Joey fill his mind. "He likes me, likes stuff about me that i didn't know were likable. At least he says he does. And he's not afraid of anything. ANYthing."

"You're gone," AJ observed, amused. "Totally completely gone. If you're still being all mushy through detox, it's true blue. I couldn't even stand to think about other people. Not even Sarah." He kept running Nick's hair through his fingers. "So tell me, what do you like about *him*? Because frankly, I always thought Timberlake was more your type."

"He's been here the whole time," Nick pointed out, smiling against AJ's body. "How could I not think about him? He's just ... so sweet and patient and *normal*. And he's a geek like me. And he seems to want to be around *me* -- like, really me -- all the time."

"He's a geek?" AJ laughed and pulled away a little to look at him, surprised. "Seriously? Like Star Wars and everything? Oh, man, I always thought he was just this big, I dunno, drama-nerd-slash-dancing-queen, who happens to have a wicked right hook. Also kinda a whore, but I figure the way he talks about you he's gonna be good. He'd better be, anyway."

"He's been reading his way through my books while I've been sleeping," said Nick, lifting his head to point at a pile at the other side of the headboard. "Those are his, not mine. And he's *not* a whore. He's not, AJ. He's just ... friendly."

"Well, he just better not be quite as friendly while he's with you, is all I'm sayin'," AJ warned darkly. "There's friendly and then there's friendly. But dude, he's reading your *books?* Your nerd books? On purpose?" He shook his head. "You two are perfect for each other, you're right. How are you gonna work the press, have you talked about it?"

Nick snorted and shook his head slowly. "No idea," he said. "AJ ... would it be weird if I said i wanted to continue this conversation from the tub? I know I can't take more dr-- take more advil yet but fuck i hurt."

"Nope, I think it's a great idea." AJ pulled away from him, sitting him up straight. "You want some help? I can't carry you, but I can give you a hand." He grinned. "You should get Fatone to give you a rubdown later. Might make it better, when you can't be neck-deep in hot water."

"I don't need to be told to let Joey touch me," he murmured, finally sliding out from under the covers. "Um." He looked up at AJ's face and knew he was flushing an unflattering red. "Can you maybe start the water for me? I can meet you in there, I'll just be a minute."

AJ's eyes went wide, then crinkled up as he smiled wide. "I'm not gonna say nothing right now, because you're in a delicate state of mind. But when you're better...fuck, Nick. Those pyjamas are gonna be famous." He stood up, still grinning. "I'm gonna go start the water. You've been flat on your back for a long time now, stand up slow, okay? And don't try walking till I get back." He snickered, shaking his head, still looking at the Pac Man pattern. "Fucking priceless."

Nick plucked at his pajamas self-consciously. "AJ, I *can't* walk right now. My legs they just ... give out. Joey's been carrying me but, but since I'd flatten you like a pancake if you tried ... ?" He sighed again, felt the colour in his face deepen. "Just wait in the bathroom, okay? I'll make it."

"What, you're gonna crawl?" AJ lifted a skeptical eyebrow at him. "I don't think so. I might not be some he-man like your boyfriend, but I can still give you a shoulder to lean on." He walked away. "Just drop your legs over the side of the bed, get the blood back into your legs. Swing 'em back and forth a little if you can, till I get back, that always helped me."

Nick waited, sitting on the edge of the bed and rubbing his calves even though he knew it was going to be useless. AJ was going to try to help him walk and he was going to fall and it would hurt like hell and he'd end up crawling the rest of the way anyway. But he had to let him try. He could just hope that his body was still cushioned enough to absorb the impact.

Soon enough, the water was running, and AJ was strolling back, stripped down to a tank top and a lot of chunky silver jewelry. He stood in front of Nick, holding out his hands. "C'mere. Give me your hands, and stand up. You won't fall, I'm stronger than I look." He snickered. "My anti-drug is the gym."

Nick gave him a weak smile and struggled to stand up. "I was walking yesterday," he murmured. "I was walking and I just had a bit of a headache and was dizzy and I was complaining about *that*. Just fuck. me." AJ *was* sturdier than Nick had expected him to be, and he was able to rest a lot of weight on him

"No, I think that's Joey's job these days," AJ commented absently, grunting a little as Nick's weight came down on him. "I remember you being heavier than this. What've you been eating?" They were moving along pretty well, Nick shuffling and shaking and clinging to AJ. "You'll be walking better in a few days, don't worry about it. Till then, just take it easy."

"Till then I think I'll be staying in bed," muttered Nick, almost stumbling over onto his ankle. "Fuck. I ... I don't think I've been eating much. At all. I can't really ... " He dropped his voice lower, looking down at his feet, and not just to take the next step. " ... remember. Plus, between yesterday and today I think i've thrown up everything I've eaten in the last month."

"Yeah, well, you'll get fat and sassy soon enough." AJ grunted again, as Nick stepped on his foot. "Careful. In a couple of days you'll wake up and try to eat the world. Alcohol kills your appetite, y'know. Once your stomach gets back online, it'll remind you how nice it is to eat." He frowned a little. "Remind me to bring you more water. That's like the most important thing right now."

"God," groaned Nick, stumbling again but finally close enough to a doorframe to grab hold of it and not AJ. "In a couple days I'm gonna be in the midst of a big Italian wedding. I'm gonna come back looking like a *whale*." The thought made him smile a little, though -- that in a couple days he'd probably be up to doing something like that again, if only barely.

"You're gonna be where?" AJ let him lean against the frame, and just kept one hand on him for balance as they rested. "Big Italian wedding? What the fuck? You're not eloping with Fatone already, are you? Because I hate to break it to you, but Florida doesn't allow same-sex unions quite yet." He ducked into the bathroom, and the water stopped. When he popped back out, he was frowning. "You trust Joey to have gotten all that glass outta the tub?"

"Well, *he's* used it since yesterday," Nick pointed out, closing his eyes for a moment to keep the room from spinning. "So I'm pretty sure it's safe." He took a deep breath and let it out slowly, then opened his eyes again. "So yeah. Joey's taking me to his cousin's wedding. In New York. We leave tomorrow."

AJ blinked at him silently for a moment, then opened his mouth, then shut it. "You're getting on a plane. Tomorrow. To New York." He sounded stunned. "Flying. To New York. For a wedding." He blinked at Nick again. "Does he plan to carry you the entire way?"

Nick frowned and shut his eyes again. "AJ," he said softly. "You don't have to ... I'm doing okay. Tomorrow I'll be walking, even if I still feel like shit. And ... you know what? If he had to? I bet he would. He wants me there with him that much, and I want to be there."

AJ sighed, and shrugged. "Well, it's his funeral. It probably won't kill you, anyway, and you are doing pretty good. At least he *can* carry you." He tugged at Nick's arm. "C'mon, keep moving. We've gotta give you the intensive treatment, if you're gonna be flying off into the great blue yonder tomorrow. Double the advil, double the water, double the baths. Also massage, and I've got some aromatherapy stuff that helps the puking. Most important thing is gonna be getting you rehydrated so that plane trip doesn't murder you." He paused, and looked at Nick. "Hey," he said slowly. "Are you going as, like, his *date?*"

Nick felt his face flushing as he nodded his head. He still wasn't at all sure how well he was going to be dealing with *that*, if Joey's family was even half as outgoing and open as he was.

He leand on AJ again as they started for the bathroom, more sure-footed this time. "More water would be good," he said, knowing that wasn't the point at all. "Throat hurts a little. Head's pounding."

"Yeah, yeah, I'll bring you water and more pills. Maybe call Joey and make him get some jell-o on the way home for you to eat. Laying in bed's one thing, but if you're moving around you got to eat." He shook his head impatiently. "We'll take care of it. But hey, hey, we should talk about this. I mean, you were barely out to us, your folks still don't know, and now you're gonna show up at a wedding on the arm of your new boyfriend?"

"I know, i know," murmured Nick. "Still getting used to the idea myself. Can we just ... I need you to help me get undressed so I can get in the tub. And then we can talk. About anything. My head's still ... my head's still pretty good. 'S'my body that's giving me trouble, right now."

"I'm telling Joey you asked me to help you strip," AJ said, laughing and starting to pull at his buttons. "Your body needs food. Between not eating and getting all that acid out of your muscles, you're a wreck, and you're eating yourself up for fuel." He pushed the shirt back, leaving Nick shivering and half naked.

"AJ ... " said Nick with a sigh, not even bothering to be embarassed about AJ stripping him now. "You saw me. Not keeping anything down yet. I dunno. Maybe I could try soup again or something ... " Once AJ got his top off, he sat down on the toilet seat and struggled to slide his own bottoms off. "Why's it so cold in this house, all of a sudden? You guys messing with my heat?"

"No." AJ frowned down at him where he sat, then crouched down and tugged on the legs of his pajamas, sliding them over his feet and off. "In fact, I saw Joey playing with the thermostat, he has it up to almost 80 degrees. It's hot as hell in here." AJ tugged him back to his feet once he was bare. "Stomach pains or not, you've got to try. You're freezing and weak here in your house? You're gonna be on a plane tomorrow. I've got to figure out some way to get you to keep food dow-" He broke off, looking at Nick consideringly. "I'm either brilliant or really dumb."

"Hope you're not asking me to tell you which," said Nick with another weak smile. "Help me in? Then you can tell me whatever it is that makes you either brilliant or really dumb." Then he shivered involuntarily, the perfect punctuation. "I'd try myself, but I think I might slip ... "

"Oh, right, yeah." AJ helped him, standing braced and steady and letting Nick cling as he carefully stepped into the tub. He missed Joey, missed those big hands holding him safe, but AJ was trying hard and Nick couldn't complain. "Yeah, I had an idea. I figure they use it on cancer patients, right? For chemo? And I *know* it's not addictive. And you could eat. And not hurt." He looked at Nick sideways, as if gauging his reaction.

Nick was frozen in place, staring at him. "You're kidding me, right?" he said. "You would never suggest ... *you* would never suggest ... " He bit his lip and decided he needed to trust someone else's judgment on this. Because *he* was all ready to just say yes, and probably for the wrong reasons. "Call Joey? Let him know, so he doesn't freak?"

"Dude, desperate times." AJ ran a black-nailed hand over his shaved head. "Normally no. But this cold thing is really freaking me out, and you've got to get something into your stomach, for real. I'll talk to Joey about it, yeah, and if he thinks it's a crap idea, it's no go, but it's really the only thing I can think of." He looked uneasy, but determined. "I don't think it'll *hurt* you."

"I don't think it'll hurt me either," said Nick, closing his eyes and sinking into the warm, soothing water. I was the most comfortable he'd been in ages, as long as he didn't think of what had happened last time he'd been in there. "So nice, AJ. So warm. Just gonna say here for a while, okay?"

"OK." AJ smiled at him, and tossed a towel down on the floor. "For if you get too enthusiastic. I'm gonna go call Joey, okay? Don't fall asleep and drown. I'm serious, you stay awake, Nicky."

"I will," he murmured, leaving his eyes closed. "Not gonna drown. Gotta meet Joey's mom tomorrow. Can't make a good impression if I'm dead." He snorted and sank lower still. "Not gonna make a great impression anyway. But he wants me there. Go talk to Joey, I'll be fine. Tell him I said ... " He opened one eye to peek at AJ. "Tell him I said something really dirty."

AJ laughed, bent, and brushed a quick kiss on Nick's forehead, knuckling his cheek. "You're bad. He's gonna have his hands full with you, I can tell. I'd feel bad for him if I didn't know what a sweetheart you are." He stepped away, and Nick could see that he was sweating. Nick himself was finally starting to feel warm. "If you need me, yell," AJ commanded, and left the door open behind him.

Nick was pretty sure he wasn't going to need to yell, pretty sure he wasn't even going to want to. His throat still didn't feel so hot and his ribs hurt enough that he didn't want to take the kind of deep breath he'd have to if he wanted to make some kind of substantial nose. So he just enjoyed the water, let it start warming him up, ouside and in. It *was* cold in his house, dammit. AJ was probably just wearing too many layers.

Except AJ had only been wearing a thin shirt when he'd left the room. Nick decided not to think so hard about that, and just cleared his mind as he waited for AJ to come back.

He could hear AJ's voice distantly, and realized he was probably just in the bedroom or the hall. He dipped down until his ears were under the water, hearing the rattle and ping of pipes, the swish of the water, his own blood drumming in his ears. When he came back up, AJ was laughing. He thought that was probably some kind of good sign. At least he and Joey seemed to be getting along.

"Still awake?" AJ poked his head around the door, eyeing him, phone held between ear and shoulder. "Joey wants to say hi. You want to talk to him? Fuck off, Fatone," this last conversationally back into the mouthpiece. "He's in the bath, he might not want to talk to you. You never know. Don't be such a pushy bitch!" He laughed.

"No, I have no desire to talk to my boyfriend," deadpanned Nick, reaching out of the water for the phone. The air felt icy on his bare, wet arm and his whole body shivered. AJ looked worried, so he made it a point to stick his tongue out at him playfully as he brought the phone back to his ear. "Hey," he said softly.

"Hey there." He could hear the smile in Joey's voice. "AJ driving you nuts yet? And what the hell, he gets to see you all wet and naked and I'm stuck here changing diapers? The world is just not fair."

"Don't lie," said Nick gently, smiling into the phone in return, knowing that AJ was watching and listening from the doorway but not minding. "You know you love every second you spend with your little girl."

"Yeah, yeah." Joey laughed at something, and Nick heard a squeal followed by a gurgle. "She says hey, too. Wants to know when she's gonna get to meet this guy her daddy won't shut up about." Nick grinned at the image he got, as Brianna's voice got louder, then shut off completely. "There. Lunch is served. OK, now, tell me how you're really doing. How you feeling? I didn't want to leave before you woke up, but AJ was there and you were sleeping so well..."

"Threw up again," he said with a sigh. "When I woke up. Been pretty okay since then. Way better than this morning, anyway. AJ's taking good care of me." He brought his thumb up to his mouth and chewed on the nail nervously, then stopped when he felt like gagging at having something in his mouth. "He wan'ts me to eat something," he ventured, unsure of whether AJ had broached the topic yet.

"Yeah," Joey's voice was soft, and it sounded like he was walking. "He said you're really cold, and still shaky. An' he wasn't like that, more raving and lots of pain and throwing up, but he wasn't cold or falling down. He's pretty worried about you, man. Me too. I think it's a good idea." His deep breath was audible. "Do you...do you think you can still come, this weekend?"

"Yes," said Nick firmly, feeling the hand holding the phone shake. "Yes. That's, like, my goal, Joey. I have to go. It would kill me to miss it, now. And AJ says I'm gonna be really hungry when this is over and what better place to be than with your *mom*, right?" He gave Joey the chance to smile at that, even though he couldn't hear it. "So you do think it's a good idea, then? Cause I'm gonna trust you guys here."

"I had to think about it," Joey admitted. "But, you know, J still smokes, and it's not bad for him. And AJ thinks it'll be ok. This isn't...this wouldn't be the first time for you, would it?" He sounded a little worried. "You do know what you're saying yes to? Munchies, goo goo, spacey Nicky, permasmile? Hopefully munchies, anyway. And I think it's really...I mean, do you even remember the last time you had a regular meal? Not counting that damn broth?"

"No, definitely not the first time," said Nick absently, frowning as he thought about Joey's other question. He trailed his fingers through the water and caught sight of AJ out of the corner of his eye, still standing in the doorway calmly and quietly. "I had some of those shrimp things a couple days ago. And some pizza on the weekend, I think." Those were the last things he could come up with though. "And I usually had a bag of something to munch on when I was studying ... "

"Yeah," Joey sighed, "tell AJ I give the plan a thumbs up. That's not food, Nick, that's snacking. Combine that with all the empty calories, and you're probably, like, starving. You've gotta eat. My mom's gonna adopt you on sight." He paused. "I think AJ'll take care of supplies. I'll be back in about...three hours, give or take, I gotta go see JC before I go and pack. You doing ok other than that? Is AJ being nice to you?"

"Yeah, AJ's being great," he said, slying watching AJ smile to himself as Nick said it. "I'll probably be asleep in three hours. Just get me up, okay? I'll want to see you. I think. I'm pretty sure. And ... really, you don't need to worry. I'm not starving, Joey, you've seen me."

"You're too thin," Joey said firmly. "And you'll be stoned out of your gourd in three hours, if I know AJ, and I think I'm starting to. Which is why I'm gonna bring back food, too, even if it's wishful thinking." There was a wailing cry in the distance. "Shit, she's fussing. Before I go, though, I gotta ask." His voice dropped to a whisper. "Did you really tell AJ that you're with me because my, um, dick tastes like honey?" '

Nick laughed, his first *real* laugh since this whole thing started. "I did," he lied. "Absolutely. And I'd still swear to it on my deathbed. Give Brianna a kiss for me. I'll see you soon, okay?"

"You little..." Joey laughed too, and made a kissing noise into the phone. "I'm gonna get you for that, Carter, you wait. Be good, don't drown, don't kill AJ, I'll see you soon. Consider Bri kissed. Bye, babe." The phone hummed a dial tone.

Nick still held it to his ear for a moment, then reached his arm out over the edge of the tub, holding the phone out to AJ. He knew he was still watching. "I'm done," he said unnecessarily. "Joey says ... Joey says it's a good idea. And that I really need to eat. So I guess ... I guess yes."

AJ grunted, wandering over to take the phone. "Yeah, he thinks you're kind of close to going into shock, I guess. With the cold, and everything. Warm food and warm water and warm bed, coming right up. I still can't believe you're getting on a plane tomorrow." He perched on the edge of the tub, splashing at the water a little with one slim hand. "How long's he gonna be on rugrat duty, anyway?"

"Says he'll be here in about three hours," Nick mumbled as a spike of pain shot through his temples. He'd felt worse, though; it didn't stop him. "Figures i'll be pretty much wasted by then."

"He's smarter than he looks, then," AJ agreed, grinning a little. "You holding, or should I make a call? This is gonna be interesting."

"You're sure *you're* okay with this?" asked Nick. "I know you don't, anymore. Any of that stuff."

AJ shrugged. "I don't, nope. Don't mean you can't, or that I think a toke's gonna send you screaming back into the bottle. For me, it's a slippery slope, but I think we both know I was in pretty significantly worse shape than you anyway. And you need it, it'll make you feel better, and that's what matters."

Nick nodded slowly. "Okay," he said. "I ... I know Joey'll keep an eye on me anyway. I, um, I do have some. You don't have to be around if you don't want to, though. I think that, at least, is something I can take care of for myself." It was a bit of a scary thought, though -- no matter what AJ said, it probably wasn't as innocent as they were making it out to be. And Nick wasn't sure he trusted himself enough.

AJ looked at him fondly. "It's just weed, Nicky. Nonaddictive, remember? I'm not gonna take a whiff and attack you for a hit or anything. I'm staying right here with you, all the way. Well, not *here*, because I think it's too steamy in here to fire up anyway, and it's fucking hot, too." He plucked at the tank top that Nick could see was stuck to his body, wet with sweat. "You just enjoy the bath, we'll get you all set up on the couch with some funny movies, and we'll go to town."

Nick gave him a nervous smile. "Will it worry you if I say I'm still a little cold?" he asked, even already knowing that it probably would. "Not *too* cold. Not bad cold. Just ... a little chilly maybe." He sank into the tub again. "Take my glasses off? They're all steamy."