"I know I do," said Nick. He hadn't realized he'd clenched his hands into tight fists until his arms started aching, and he forced himself to release them. It didn't help the ache much. "I just don't know how the fuck to do it. I hear words coming out of my mouth sometimes that make me sick, you know? They scare me. Cause I know they come from her and they're just, you know, *that* deep inside me."

"Family's like that," AJ nodded, fingers tapping out an idle pattern on his shoulder. "I don't even know what to tell you, man. You gotta...now do you see, why I think it's so important to talk to someone? Someone who knows the right questions to ask, that can get down into those places and help you clean out all the dark stuff?" His eyes were serious. "It really helps, babe. I know for sure it did with me."

Nick nodded jerkily. "Just because I know it's something I really need to do, doesn't mean I like it any more," he said, though. "I don't want to *need* to do that. I just want to be fucking ... normal. Be like Joey or something. All ... perfect, and happy, and everything. Not have all this crap inside me that I need help cleaning out in the first place."

AJ eyed Nick strangely. "You think he's perfect? Seriously?" His fingers kept tapping. "Dude, I think he's almost as much a candidate for therapy as you. Okay, maybe not. But he definitely ain't perfect and totally happy. Everybody's got crap, to various degrees. Dark stuff that no one sees. The fact that yours is bad enough to hurt you so clearly...well, it might be a good thing. An inspiration to do something about it, you know?"

Nick just shrugged a little, weakly. "Look at him, he's got his health, he loves what he does, he has a great family, a baby he adores, no major problems ... he *is* perfect. He's got everything I don't. I feel so ... pathetic, next to him, sometimes. I've got all this crap and I can't even get it together by myself, can't do *anything*. And then there's him ... you know?"

"He's a real lucky guy," AJ nodded. "He's got a lot of good things goin' on. One of which is you. But baby, don't be too sure he's all hearts and roses and good cheer, okay? I mean, he seems good, I'm not saying he'll murder us all in our sleep some night, you know. But he's got too sharp a temper, an' too many dark circles, to be somebody with no major problems." He shrugged, and smiled a little. "Plus, man, you are getting it together, right here and now. Man, a week ago I never woulda thought you'd be doing so good. Swear. Don't compare yourself to people, it never ends well. Just work on making yourself happy, you know?"

"Is it even possible, not to compare yourself to other people?" asked Nick. "I've never been able to. My mom always ... " He almost stopped when he realized his mom had probably been responsible for a lot of that, but then went on to finish the thought. "My mom always compared me to the other kids, showing me what I should be more like, if I wanted to be successful. I guess it stuck. So now I see Joey and I see all these things that he's got right, and I wonder what I fucked up that I'm not like him."

"You can't think about it like that, though," AJ protested, shaking him a little, or trying. Even as thin as he was, AJ was significantly smaller and lighter than Nick. "I mean, your mom, Jesus, just fuck her. You didn't fuck anything up, man, look at all the shit you've accomplished, all the amazing things you've doneh. You're a pretty fantastic human being, you know. That little list, before, what Joey's got? You love what you do, too. You'll have your health back soon, you're workin' on it. You've got a family-" he tapped his own chest, "-that adores you. No kid, but hey, you're young. You're not doin' so bad, you know?"

"Well, I kinda have a little piece of a kid now," admitted Nick with a tiny smile. "Ready or not. I know ... I know I got it better that so many other people. But that doesn't change what's going on in my head, you know?" But of course AJ knew; AJ struggled with the exact same stuff, all the time. Had been struggling against depression for years, Nick knew now, even if he hadn't realized it at the time. "I can't just cut my mom out of my life," he said finally. "but I need to, if I want to get better, I think. Because I can't change her, I can only change me."

"Exactly." AJ nodded so hard he looked to be in danger of losing his head. "Yeah, exactly right. You can only change you. And once you start figuring things out, then you can decide what to do about your mom. I know how much you love your bro and your sisters, man, that'll be a consideration for sure. But you gotta do what's best for you. I *know* that, believe me." He smiled a little. "Who knows, someday maybe we'll be sharin' a presciption for Xanax and talking about old times. But right now, you've got to get your body better. That's step one."

"My body's getting better," insisted Nick. "It won't be long now before I'm back on my feet again, and that's the main thing. Then I'll have to deal with, you know, the cravings. Which are fucking awful *now*, let alone when i'll have nothing else wrong to distract me. I'm not even sure ... I mean, I think my body's through the worst of it now. But I don't know about my head."

"Like, hurting, you mean? Or stuff that you're gonna have therapy for?" AJ's eyes were bright and questioning and completely nonjudgemental. "As for your body, yeah, you've got some miles to travel, even though you're getting better. The cravings suck. But they get better too, y'know. Especially if you're careful about stuff."

"Careful how?" asked Nick. "I never ... I should've paid more attention to what you were doing, but I was all ... fucked up myself, and resentful, and I felt so pushed away, and ... well, long story short, I don't even know what you do, to keep yourself well."

"I'm..." AJ glanced down, picking at his jeans with his free hand. "Dude, I'm so fuckin' sorry about that. Like, staying away. But it's one of the things, I couldn't...right then, I couldn't be around people who were drinking. Like, at all. Remember, I totally skipped all those afterparties, every time we went clubbing...it's basically common sense, though. Just don't put yourself in the path of temptation. Don't think you're gonna be cool with it, don't think it'll be no problem to say no. Just stay away, for a good long time."

"That's gonna be tough," said Nick softly. "Except Joey, Joey would keep me away, give me something else to do. But Joey won't always be there. He has a life too, and that life doesn't always involve me, and I don't want to think about that right now but I know it's true." He was quiet for a moment as he remembered what AJ had and hadn't done, for a long time. "Howie stayed behind with you a lot, didn't he?"

"Yeah. He, ah." AJ chuckled a little, shaking his head and looking almost embarrassed. "He hung around a lot. Made sure I took my medication, made sure I had stuff to do, played video games with me, made me type up stuff for his foundation. He's really really bad at the video games, though. Joey'll...I bet Joey'll be there for you, like that. As much as he can. And when he ain't, you can always come to me. Us."

It was true, Nick *had* a lot of people who were there for him, who were willing to help him out when he needed it. He just had to stop and look around and see it. And accept it. "And I have Joey for sex, too," he said, a bit mischievously as he felt his spirits lift again. "Which you didn't have Howie for before. 'Cept you probably could've, if you'd wanted it then."

"God," AJ groaned, dropping his head to his hands. "I don't think I could've taken it, then. All this, I mean, on top of everything else. I mean, at least you knew you were into guys, you'd had a guy, probably more than one. I didn't even think about it, didn't even cross my mind. Poor D, man. My oblivious ass, seriously. I had no idea."

Nick smiled at him a little. "Yeah, I kinda guessed that," said Nick. "You know I'm still not really used to it. The gay thing. I knew before, yeah, but I totally hadn't accepted it. I'm still working on that, but it's turning out to be one of the easier things, about this. So if there anything, you know, that *you* want to talk about ... that would be cool. I'd probably understand."

"Dicks are wierd," AJ said solemnly, then cracked up. "Nah, man. I mean, I've had plenty of gay friends, it's not so much that, though...it is, a little, I guess. But bein' with him...I'm not so sure it's a great idea. I mean, he's my best friend. He's in the group. And I am a *shitty* boyfriend, ask any of my exes." He shook his head, so serious again. "I dunno, Nicky. He just looks so happy, right now, you know?"

"Don't give up on him until you've given it a chance," said Nick solemnly, suddenly afraid that AJ would do just that. "You just ... *you* look so damn happy when you're with him. And you're not the same person you were with any of your exes, it's a whole new thing now, for both of you. I think it's gonna work, AJ, if you let it. I really do."

AJ bit his lip, and nodded hesitantly. "Don't worry. I wouldn't've started it if I wasn't gonna give him a chance, I'd never fuck with him like that. Not Howie. I'm just...gonna be careful. And if he talks to you, you make *him* be careful, okay? Like, take it slow. He's so intense sometimes, I don't know how he hasn't had his heart broken a million times."

"He's had his heart broken," said Nick quietly. "You know he has, you probably know better than I do. And by people he didn't care about like he cares about you. If he talks to me about it, I'll tell him to be careful, but I"m gonna tell him not to give up too, AJ. Cause I think this could be the best thing ever, for both of you. And I'm not just saying that because I found Joey, and I think everyone should have that. You guys are just good together, in all kinds of ways."

AJ shivered a little, and rubbed his hands down his own arms. "Like he cares about me...do you know how freaky-scary that is? He's my best friend, and I've got the potential to totally fuck up his heart. You tell him, Nick, you tell him to be careful, okay? I'm giving it a chance, swear to god, but still."

"Yeah, but at the same time, he knows you're not gonna totally abandon him, ever, AJ. And I think that's a big security thing for him, too. Cause you know ... before. I don't think he'd let himself fall in love with someone who he didn't trust. So I'll tell him, AJ, I'll tell him, but I don't think you need to worry so much. You can't fuck it up like you think you can. Howie knows you. And that's, like, huge."

AJ snorted. "If he trusts me, he's an idiot. No, I don't know." He sighed, and smiled a little at Nick. "He does. He's known me since I was a baby, pretty much. And *that* is fuckin' scary. But enough about me and D and our timeless love. How're things in the Carter-Fatone household? Joey treatin' you right?"

"You already know everything about me and Joey," said Nick with a little smile and a blush. "You really don't want to talk about you and Howie? It's okay, if you don't. You just have to say. I just don't want you to think that *I* don't want to talk about it, or about anything to do with that. Cause I can. I would, for you. I wouldn't mind at all."

AJ chewed his lip a little, clearly uncertain. "All right. But if you laugh, I swear to god, Nick, the second you are better I'm kicking your ass from here to...somewhere far. SWEAR it." He started at his own hands. "Ah. Well, I've seen porn and all, an' heard stories, you know, like you do, but I gotta...dude. Does it hurt?"

Nick smiled, but he didn't laugh. Would never. "It kinda does," he admitted, "but listen, I gotta clarify that. Because it only does at first, a little, and it's not bad at all. It's totally worth it. And Howie ... remember, Howie's done it before, right? So he totally knows how to do it good, I'm sure. And the hurt is nothing, compared to the good."

"Unless Howie's been real busy since he came to me last year all, 'AJ, I've been questioning, you're my best friend, what do you..." AJ's eyes widened. "Oh, man. Do you think he was faking it...was that some kinda wierd way of finding out if I was...was he like, asking me out, by offering to suck me off?" He blinked, then shook his head. "Whatever. But how much is 'a little,' an' how bad is it gonna be if he *hasn't* done it before? I haven't asked."

"I think if he was ready to ask you out," said Nick, "he would've. Howie isn't really a devious guy. And he's shy, you know that." He reached out and gave AJ a squeeze, like AJ had been giving him. "Even if he hasn't done it before, it's not gonna be bad," he promised him. "You just gotta take it real slow, and don't be scared to tell each other what you're feeing. I mean ... I *have* had bad sex -- " He didn't really want to get into that, though. " -- and it was only bad 'cause he wasn't ... we weren't listening to each other."

"Well, if there's one thing I am, it's loud in bed," AJ assured him, smirking a little. "He'll have to listen or go deaf. But...yeah, slow, for sure." He twitched a little, looked at Nick a little suspiciously. "And you're sure it's good? I just can't imagine it, honestly, but Howie's been edging around the subject, and I want an educated opinion before I run screaming. It actually feels *nice?*"

"It's nice," said Nick firmly, smliing at him again, even feeling a bit of confidence that he knew what he was talking about. It had been a while since he'd really felt that. "It's *really* nice, AJ. Both of us -- me and Joey -- we like it. I know it sounds weird, in theory, but then when you're doing it it feels so right you wonder why you ever had any doubts about it. You just have to let it be good, and it will be. Don't be scared of it. I know that sounds dumb, but that's about the best advice I can give you. The advice I wish someone had been able to give me."

"I'm not *scared* of it," AJ defended immediately, eyes snapping up to Nick's face. "Just possibly...a little concerned, is all. The guys in the porn always seem to be real into it, but then again, I *know* some chicks who do porn. They're real good actors." He shrugged. "But hey, man. You're the guy who knows, and if you say it's good, I'll take your word for it. Maybe we'll get to that eventually. Though with you and the horndog around for inspiration, I dunno how long that'll be. That was pretty fuckin' hot, earlier."

Nick felt himself blushing again. "I'm just really happy to be able to do stuff with him again," he admitted. "I was really worried for a while -- *he* was really worried for a while -- and it's so good to be able to reassure him. Besides ... it's nice to have at least one thing that makes me feel *good*. I still feel a little weird, that you were there, though. I mean ... did it seem slutty or anything?"

"God, no," AJ said swiftly, shaking his head. "Not slutty at all, man. I mean, you two were mostly covered up anyway, and it was really sexy. And not wierd, much. I mean, fuck, we lived together for how long? We got no boundaries, babe, not really." He leaned into Nick's shoulder. "It was good to see you two together, too. He was really freakin' out there for a while, huh?"

Nick nodded slightly, then shook his head. "Not freaking out, just ... I knew he didn't feel right about it. It's kinda easy to tell, when he's blaming himself for something. And he was really blaming himself for that, among other stuff. So it was so good, to make him know for sure that my problems there weren't his fault." He was still blushing, he could feel it, hot in his cheeks. "Really sexy?" he confirmed shyly.

"Really fuckin' sexy," AJ confirmed, laughing. "Disturbingly sexy, actually. Looks like I got a switch flipped for sure, huh?" He slung his arm back over Nick's shoulder comfortably. "Yeah, the two of you are hot. Someday when we're back home and you're better we'll have to go to some club, double-date type shit, tear up the place and show the natives what sexy really is." He winked.

Nick gave him another smile, not feeling confident but feeling a little turned on at the thought. 'He turns me on a lot," he admitted softly. "He's so hot, he really is. I'm glad he believes me now, when I tell him what he does to me, to my body." He gave AJ a little nudge. "So yeah, it's good you think guy-on-guy is hot. Good for your new sex life. You're really gonna like it, I think, AJ. When you give it a shot."

AJ shot him a look that was more than a little skeptical, but didn't argue. "Well, guy-on-guy *is* hot. I mean, sex in general is hot. I think...wow. It's pretty fucked up that I have a new sex life. New parts to figure out. I'm still not real sure about the whole ass thing, you know. All I can say is, Howie better seriously know what he's doing, because I don't have clue one about the whole thing. Except for that porn tape, an' somehow I don't think that's too realistic."

"Well, I told you what it's gonna feel like, kinda," said Nick, gauging what AJ really needed to hear right then. "I was willing to do it even when I knew my body wasn't capable of coming. That's how good it is. So at least give it a few tries, you know? I'm sure he knows what he's doing, but even if he doesn't, it's pretty easy. I can tell you more ... if you want?" "Is it gonna gross me out?" AJ winked at him, clearly kidding, and then sobered. "It doesn't seem like it'd be easy. I mean, yeah, fine, anal sex, been there done that. *To* somebody. But the other way? Man, maybe D'll just be happy bottoming forever. He hasn't even tried, yet, so maybe he ain't even interested. Um. It feels that good, huh?"

"Yeah," said Nick, feeling his cheeks get hot again. He figured he should probably just give in and let that happen instead of fighting it; he suppposed he was really a pretty shy person at heart. "And if you've done it, then you've done it -- an ass is an ass, you know? Except, well, there's stuff to aim for on a guy. Which is the point, I guess, other than having a hole to stick it in."

AJ was smirking at him, probably for the blush, he knew, though the grin fell away quickly. "I'm not so much worried about the doing, as I am the other way. Is it, like, cool, to...not want that? Ah, potentially? What's the big deal, anyway? I mean, prostate, yahoo. My doctor checks that once a year, and it don't feel that great when he does, frankly."

"That's different," said Nick firmly, squirming a little at the thought. "And yeah, you know, some people aren't so much into it. But seriously ... at least try it a few times, or you'll never know and you might be missing out on something you'd really like a lot, you know? And, um, you can get him to just use his fingers, too. I mean. Joey likes that a lot. So it doesn't always have to be about the dick."

"At least with the dick, it feels good for all involved," AJ commented, shrugging. "I guess it's worth a shot. Since y'all seem to enjoy it so much. A million gay men can't be wrong, I guess." He rolled to his side, propping himself on his elbow so he could look at Nick. "Isn't it messy, though?"

"Incredibly messy," agreed Nick with a snicker. "Good sex is always messy. You know, you could pretend to be a little enthusiastic about it. Or do you not believe me when I tell you how good it is? If you go into it thinking it's something to be, like, *endured*, then you're not gonna have any fun. And sex *is* fun. You know it's fun."

"This is true," AJ agreed solemnly, nodding. "Sex is the most fun you can have, legally anyway. So far it's been great, I swear, and amazingly hot, considering I always thought I was a breast man." He chuckled. "I'm enthusiastic, mostly when I'm not thinking about it and he's got my dick in his mouth. Then I'll pretty much do whatever he wants, anyway."

Nick grinned at him and nodded back, understanding thoroughly. "And it's all been good so far, right? I. Um. Like that, too. Sucking dick, I mean. God, I can't believe I'm telling you this. I'm still ... you know I'm still accepting all this myself. This is maybe the first time I've really said all this stuff to someone. How much it feels right to me."

"I tried sucking him, I wasn't very good," AJ confessed. "He wouldn't stop moving and I almost swallowed my tongue. Poor D. It might feel right to you--an' trust me, Nicky, I'm glad it does, because I've never seen you so happy with someone before--but to me, it just feels awkward. Sexy as shit, but awkward. I haven't *not* known what to do in bed in, like, ten years!" He patted Nick's shoulder. "I dunno, man. You looked pretty accepting before, when Joey was all naked on top of you."

And there was the blush, yet again, in spite of him. "It's easy to get lost in it," he said softly. "And of course it's awkward at first. You *don't* know what to do. It's like being all virginal all over again. I just meant ... how good it makes you feel inside. To be with someone who makes you feel comfortable with him. Even when the sex is all awkward and teeth and you don't know what's supposed to fit where."

AJ laughed a little. "Good description. At least with D I can smack him or, you know, bite him by accident and he's not gonna hate me forever, or get up and leave, you know? That's pretty cool." He was quiet for a moment, humming a tune that Nick suddenly realized was 'Like A Virgin.' "I'm real glad you have that, Nick," he finally said, more serious than Nick had yet seen him. "That kind of comfortable, with Joey. I think it's real good for you, especially now."

Nick bit his lip and nodded again. "I'm in love with him," he said seriously. "Even in the middle of all this stuff, all these feelings that i don't understand, I can tell that. I've never felt anything like it for anyone before. I'm glad I'd at least figured it out enough -- the gay thing, I mean -- to be able to let it happen. If I hadn't, who knows where I'd be right now. A lot lonelier, that's for sure."

"Well, you had whatshisname," AJ reasoned, stretching comfortably. "He was a gay thing too, or so I assume." He grinned. "Or so I *hope*. Otherwise, not much of a relationship. But Joey...man, are you telling me he gave you a choice? Way you've got him whipped, I figured he just pretty much threw himself at you till you caught. Were you really still stressing about being gay?"

"Yeah," said Nick, shrinking back a little bit. "I was really messed up about being gay. Still am, I guess, when I stop and think about what life's gonna be life when I leave this little safe haven. I'm fucking lucky that Joey was as persistent as he was -- first thing I did was try to fuck the whole thing up. I mean, I was drunk, but that's no excuse. Telling him I wasn't a fucking faggot and saying a bunch of other stuff he really should've smacked me around for."

"So, he *was* persistent. Tolerant, too, if you were being as pissy as I know you can be when you try." AJ nodded, head tilted a little. "Good thing he didn't smack you around, I'd hate to go to prison for murder so early in life. But why were you messed up? Why *are* you messed up? You've got a great boyfriend, none of *us* give a shit, and you're happy with him. Right?"

"I don't know ... " said Nick hesitantly, but he did. Part of it at least. "I'm so happy with him, AJ. I can't even tell you. I don't know enough words to say. It's just ... from when I was little. And I started to wonder ... and, you know, mom ... " He wondered if he even had to say anything more than that. "She told me I wasn't gay, and I stopped letting myself wonder, and that's just the way it was. You can't say people will be really happy about it, either. It's not an easy thing. It's just ... it's right. It's me."

"Which means people won't be really happy about it, yeah, because why should they be? It's just normal, part of who you are. Just another part of Nick." AJ snickered a little. "It's not an impossible thing, either. Oh, sure, there's assholes in the world who'll try to make you miserable, but just about everybody has to deal with that in one way or another. As for your mom...baby, she was just wrong. Be happy. Let yourself. Enjoy it." He hugged Nick close with one arm.

"I'm doing it, aren't I?" said Nick, hugging him back. "I couldn't not do it now. I love him, it's so good, it's so right. It's just not easy, yet, to accept it. When for so long I just kinda ... denied it, a lot. And look at *you*. Just figuring out that you might be able to be with a guy and you're totally cool with it right away. I'm jealous, I think." He deliberately didn't mention his mother, even though she was still at the front of his mind, saying all the things to him she used to say. She was impossible to get rid of.

"I've penciled in time on Tuesday for a nervous breakdown about all this," AJ assured him, letting himself be squeezed. "Not really totally cool, since as I may remind you, I still have a fiancee. A female one." He sighed a little. "But then, on the other hand, I didn't have a raving fucking bitch for a mother filling my head with nonsense from the age of three, so yeah, things might go a bit smoother for me, all around."

"She wasn't that bad," murmured Nick, still hanging on to AJ. "I wouldn't be where I am, without her. So I guess I should be grateful, for what she's done for me. She made all this possible in the first place."

"Only in the sense that you needed someone to give actual birth to you," AJ snorted. "Other than that, I'm pretty sure you're where you are in *spite* of her. And don't argue with me, Nicky, I was there. She was that bad, she continues to be that bad, frankly I'm surprised you've made it as long as you have without anything more major than this and your little punching habit, back when." His hands tightened on Nick's shoulders. "Don't be grateful. Be angry. Every time you make excuses for her, you're just telling your subconscious that the things she says are right."

"Well, she's not *all* wrong," insisted Nick, shaking his head. "I mean, I *know* she had some fucked ideas, AJ, and I'm not okay with that. I blame her for a lot of shit. But there's stuff about me that she was right about, too. She wasn't great at expressing it, but she was right." She was right about Nick being too big, she was right about him being not quite talented enough to make it without exploiting his looks, she was right that he wasn't smart enough to do anything else with his life, she was right that he needed her to movtivate him to do anything in the first place. And that was just fact.

"Nobody's wrong 100% of the time," AJ agreed, sounding suspiciously reasonable. "Even that bitch. But I'd be completely fascinated to find out what *you* think she was right about. Since I'll bet you a grand and the keys to my Hum-V for a week that I'll disagree with you. And her."

"It's not stuff like that, AJ," said Nick, shaking his head at him him again, more urgently this time. "It's not really controversial stuff. She just ... she knew what I had to do, to make it. And she was right that there wasn't much *else* I could do with my life, if I didn't make this work."

AJ arched back away from him, expressive eyes narrowed. "Not controversial stuff? Sugar boy, I've hated every word that's come out of that woman's mouth for the entire ten years I've known her, and if that ain't controversial, I don't know what is. You coulda been anything you wanted. You're--*We're* just lucky that this is what you wanted, and what you're so damn good at."

"Well, exactly," said Nick, agreeing with him finally. "I *am* lucky there was something I was good at. Especially something like this. It's not like I was really smart enough or talented enough to do anything else, AJ. Come on, be honest, we all know that."

"Oh, for fuck's sake," AJ breathed, shaking his head. "That's not what I meant and you know it. This is just one of your talents. You could have been anything! We're just lucky you chose this! Wouldn't be much to Backstreet without you, you know." He bopped Nick lightly on the side of the head. "You're a dumbass, but not that kind of dumbass."

Nick flinched back from him, feeling AJ's words stab at him a little. "Yeah," he said with a sigh. "Yeah, I am. A fucking dumbass. I'm not arguing with you there, AJ. I'm just saying, mom was right about that. She was right to push me to do something because I wouldn't have without her. I probably wouldn't have done anything. I'd probably still be living in their basement, a jobless high school dropout."

"Hard to say, without going back and living it again," AJ mused. "Maybe so, though it wouldn't be because you're stupid. Maybe not. Who the fuck knows? But no matter what, she wasn't right to push you the WAY she did, and as hard as she did. I saw how hard you worked, kiddo. You didn't need a slave driver, you were doing something you loved, and doing it willingly. Music, Backstreet, art, hard work, dedication...these are not your dumbass things."

"I don't know," said Nick softly, looking down at his hands. The memories of it all were stressing his body, he could feel it. Could feel everything tightening up, could feel the cravings growing. "Sometimes I don't know what to believe, and what not to believe, with her. It's really a mess. I mean, she's my *mom*. but there are things I know she was wrong about. And I just ... sometimes I don't know *who* to believe."

"Believe *me*," AJ replied instantly, bopping him again and then stroking his hair back. "Believe the people who love you who don't want anything from you but to be happy. You know in your heart who those people are. Not the ass-lickers, the guys who tell you when you're wrong and help you do it right and love you no matter what, and tell you when you're brilliant. THOSE are the people."

"It's sometimes hard to tell them apart," admitted Nick, suddenly feeling a chill go through him. He visibly shivered. "Things aren't getting clearer, AJ, they're just getting more confusing. It's like ... before, when I was ... was drinking, it was like everything was an impressionist painting, right? And as long as I was drunk I could see what was going on and it was fine. I may not have been seeing it *right*, but I was seeing a whole picture. And now that I'm not drinking, it's like I'm standing too close, and I can see every brushstroke clearly but nothing seems to make sense, nothing matches up with anything else right now and it's all just a big mess. You know?"

"It's just that everything's coming clear one little piece at a time," AJ said softly, wrapping him up in a hug. "And you don't have the whole picture yet, because you *are* too close still, and the booze, wanting it, is still making everything look wrong. I know just how you feel. But give yourself a little time, and things'll start falling into place. All the puzzle pieces will click back together. You cold, babe?"

"I don't know," said Nick, shivering again. It didn't feel like it was coming from outside him, though. "I'm already tired of feeling like this. I want to start feeling like what I'm doing is worth it, that it isn't just making things worse."

"It isn't," AJ assured him, holding him even when he started rocking a little. "It's worth it. You're gonna love being sober, when all the good stuff happens. I mean, hell, already you got a decent boyfriend out of the deal, not to mention a trip to New York and some quality time with yours truly. Plus, you know, the whole not-dying thing, that's pretty big. Believe me, everything right now is a positive."

"Except inside my head," Nick reminded him. "The jury's still out on how good things are going there. I just ... just have to trust you. And trust Joey. That things are gonna get better and I just gotta wait and see. Gotta work at them. Gotta start to figure out how to find me again. No one said it was gonna be this fucking scary, you know. Hard? Yes. Scary? No."

"Most things worth doing are hard, and hard things tend to be pretty scary," AJ said with a smile. "Just keep doing it one day at a time. Seriously. Deal with what's on your plate, before going off looking for more. It can be overwhelming, but things *will* settle down soon. Make sure you ask for help, when you need it, too. Everybody needs it, sometimes."

"You know I *hate* that," sighed Nick. "I hate that so much. And I've had to do it *so* often lately. I've needed so much help, AJ." It wasn't so hard to admit it this time, though. Not to AJ, who'd been there, just like him. Nick could even remember it. "You hungry?"

"Yeah, kinda," AJ admitted. "All that running around in the snow and then getting a blowjob, that's the kinda thing that really works my appetite. How about you? Feeling like a little midafternoon snack? I could make you something. That amazing Phyllis woman said I could cook in her kitchen if I wanted to."

Nick hesitated, then nodded just a little. "I'm a little hungry, I think," he admitted. "Just a little. Could I come to the kitchen with you, though? I'm already tired of bed." For a person who was supposed to be on bed rest, though, he certainly wasn't spending much time in it. "I'm feeling strong enough, AJ. I can even walk on my own now. And the doctor is gonna unhook me from this pole right when he gets here, too."

"Nope." AJ kissed his temple, four quick little smacking kisses, then started untangling himself. "You're on bed rest for a reason. BED rest, not kitchen rest or walking around rest or sex rest, though, damn, you already blew through all those. So from now on in, bed. Rest. You. I'll go cook you something nice."

"But bed is *boring*," said Nick with a sigh and a childish little pout. "Can you at least pick up some of my art stuff for me so I can keep busy? Or put in a movie? So I don't start feeling sorry for myself again and want to do something stupid?"

"Aww. Pouty baby." AJ pinched his cheek with a grin. "Yeah. Your paints and pencils and paper are right there, next to the table. Draw something fun, or, you know, whatever you want. Art therapy, it's good stuff. And what do you want to eat, anyway?" He reached down, and dumped Nick's art supplies into his lap.

It lifted Nick's heart a little just to have them in his hands again, to feel confident about what he was going to be doing. "Um. There was a list, of what I'm supposed to be having ... I don't know where it is, though. What are *you* having? I just .. anything but a milkshake, okay?"

"You got it. I think Phyllis left some soup and pasta for you, anyway, so I'll just bring some of that. And water, lots of water. Oh, hey, are you allowed to get up to take a leak?" AJ pulled the comforter straight over Nick's legs, tucking him in snugly after propping another pillow behind his back.

"I better be," said Nick, laughing suddenly. "I don't really want to be wetting the bed. Not that I want to have to take a piss much at all -- it still fucking hurts like hell. I promise to be a good boy and wait here while you cook though," he added with a sigh. "If I need to get up, I'll call you."

"You better," AJ warned him, actually sounding stern. "No staggering around on your own, no matter what, and if you need anything, shit, if your pencil falls, I want you to give a holler. No getting up. Fuck only knows what Joey would do to me if he came home and you'd injured yourself."

Nick couldn't imagine either, but he could guess that it would be pretty drastic. He was about to agree when he heard the doorbell chiming throughout the house, startling him enough that he jerked up and yanked on his IV tube, sending pain shooting up his arm. "Damn!" he said, then took a couple deep breaths to relax himself again. "Well, that's either the doctor, or a door to door salesman. Either way, you should probably check."

"If he's selling encyclopedias, I'm getting one and giving it to D," AJ muttered, already on his way to the door. "Boy doesn't know his history. Don't pull your IV like that, it's already brusing all up and down your arm. I'll be right back."

Nick was just trying to adjust the IV so that it stopped pinching him but he stopped anyway, and lay back on the bed and tryed to be ready for whatever was coming next.

* * *

Nick had heard voices, so he knew AJ had seen the doctor out, even though it felt like a long time ago. He stretched his arm, loving the way he could move, now, without the needle biting him.

"Dinner is served!" AJ kicked through the door, unable to make a quiet entrance even when carrying a tray with plates and glasses stacked high. "Or lunch, or whatever. What did the doc tell you?"

"That he sure as hell hoped that the food you were cooking was for me," said Nick as he looked up at him. "That my system was strong enough to take antibiotics orally now. He left them over on the table there. See?" He pointed, then drew AJ's attention to his arm. "No IV. My arm still hurts, though."

"Ow," AJ winced sympathetically at the sight of the spreading black bruise. "You're a bleeder, huh? That looks nasty." He set down the tray, and peered at the papers in Nick's lap. "Whatcha drawing? And am I gonna have to force feed you this incredible omelet I slaved over, just for you?"

"Omelet?" said Nick, peering at it. "I'm allowed to have omelets? They're really fattening, right?" In spite of that, he moved his drawing aside so he could eat. "I was just drawing ... stuff," he added. "Just stuff. Don't worry about it."

"Cool stuff? Sexy stuff?" AJ wiggled his eyebrows at him, but set the tray on Nick's lap carefully. "You're allowed to have omelets. Small ones, without meat in them. Fattening's kind of what we're going for, here, so eat up. It looks good, right? I'm the master, seriously. This omelet is all good things."

"I know you and your omelets," said Nick, looking at it warily. AJ's omelets *were* amazing. And hugely fattening, because AJ never had to worry about that. "It looks really good." He pushed the drawing even further away. "I was just drawing me. Nothing you would want to see."

"Oh, hey, self portrait!" AJ cocked a hip and perched on the edge of the couch bed. "I'd love to see, man. Seriously. I think that shit's always so interesting, how people see themselves. How people who can actually draw can draw themselves. It *is* really good, and you should eat it before it gets cold, because there's nothing nastier than cold eggs."

Nick picked at his eggs and didn't move the portrait any closer. He wasn't going to stop him, but he wasn't going to make it easy for him either. AJ probably *wouldn't* like what he was going to see, but at least Nick had warned him. "These are good," he said around his first mouthful, eating slowly.

"Of course it's good," AJ said, buffing his nails on the front of his shirt and grinning. "I made it." He watched Nick nibble for a moment. "If you don't want me to see, I won't look, you know. I get that sometimes it's private, so I ain't gonna push you on seeing any of your drawings. But I'd like to, if it's cool with you."

Nick just shrugged and gestured at it and leaned back so AJ could reach. "You won't like it," he mumbled, and took another bite of the omelet. "I'm just saying." He didn't want to feel bad about the picture, though. He drew what he saw.

AJ just looked at him, then reached over and took the sheet of paper from the pile. He looked at it for a long time, lips pursed, clearly taking in every detail. "Well," he finally said, cocking his head and still looking at the picture. "It looks like you if you weren't you. I mean, the features are kind of close. But this person isn't even close to as beautiful as you are, and plus, he's like 100 pounds heavier than you. But hey. Probably pretty hard to do this without a mirror, I'm guessing."

"You saying I'm a shitty artist, McLean?" he said without looking at him, eating more eggs. Probably eating too fast. "I told you you wouldn't like it. That *is* what I see, in the mirror. That's the guy I see. Look, see the bulge of my stomach there?" He ran his hand over that part of his body. "And I drew my ribs on, too."

AJ frowned at him a little, watching his hand. "Slow down a little there. I know my eggs are good, but you might wanna actually, you know, TASTE them." He shook his head, sitting back. "You're not a shitty artist. You can draw us like we're being photographed, I've seen you do it. I'm just saying, maybe what you're seeing here isn't what's really there. And kiddo, you don't have a bulge there. Trust me."

"Yeah I do," insisted Nick, putting his fork down for a minute and running his hand over his stomach. I can feel it. Eggs, see?" He looked up at AJ expectantly. It was so obvious, when you really looked at him. "They're making me bulge."

AJ shook his head again, this time sadly. "Let me, here..." He reached out and flattened his palms on Nick's ribs, splaying his fingers wide, not letting Nick pull away. "No, sit still, listen. I can feel, your ribs are actually sharp. Like, I can feel the bone, there's nothing between them and my hands. Then here..." he slid his hands to Nick's stomach. "...here, it's softer, because there's no bones. When you put food in your stomach, it gets bigger, sure, but then it goes away again. It's not a bulge, it's just...slowly starting to get you back to normal."

"It's bulging," said Nick stubbornly. "I mean. You can *see* it, AJ. And I know my ribs are all weird, but if I keep eating this much they'll be gone again soon, just like before. How long before people start complaining again?" He paused to take another bite of the food. "Good eggs, though."

"Believe me, Nick, no one's going to complain when you stop looking like a starving Ethiopian," AJ informed him, removing his hands and sitting back with a sigh. "I'm glad you like 'em. Specialty of the house. Eat up, they're good for you, and then we can watch videos or you can nap or whatever you want. Wonder what the guys are doing?"

"Taking a break from me," said Nick confidently. "You could watch me draw some more. I could draw you, if you wanted. Or Joey ... but I'd probably draw him naked just to traumatize you." He even gave AJ a smile. "Did you bring me any toast?"

"Do you see toast on that plate? and you can draw whatever you like," AJ grinned at him. "I don't really know that a naked picture of Joe would traumatize me, any more, so you just go right ahead. Mind if I play some guitar, though? I'm working on some shit, maybe for the album, I dunno, but it needs work. Will it bug you? And do you *want* toast?"

"No, no, you don't need to make me toast," said Nick quickly. "This is more than enough. I was just asking is all. And you can ... you can play guitar. I'd like that, I think. I'm not really gonna draw you a naked picture of Joey, though. That's ... well, I can't say it's private anymore. But it is, mostly, still. He's ... he sees me as me and he's okay with it. That's kinda sexy, you know?"

"Right, toast coming up," AJ rolled his eyes at him. "I don't mind doing stuff for you, you know. And it's okay to ask. Toast's good for you too." He stood up briskly, taking the cigarrette from behind his ear. "Plus which, gotta step outside for a sec. That boy loves you to little bitty bits, and he's definitely sexy."

"Yeah, but the eggs are lots, AJ," he said weakly, taking another bite. Eating would make Joey happy, he had to remember that, even when his brain started to try to convince him to stop. Maybe he wasn't right about that, maybe he should take their word when they said he did need to gain more than he thought he did. It was just hard. "Go ahead. Have a smoke. I'll be right here when you get back. Obviously."

"You'd better be," AJ said sternly, walking to the door. "Listen, you eat those eggs, and when you're done, if you're still hungry, I'll make you toast. Don't push TOO hard. Remember, your system's still coming online. Your poor intestines, man, they're in for a shock." He wiggled his fingers in farewell. "You want anything else? And no hiding the eggs under your napkin....remember, I'm wise to you, Carter."

"I'll eat the eggs," he promised, picking at them and reminding himself how good they tasted. "You just got kill your tastebuds some more. Oh, and actually, one thing?" He looked down at his arm and rubbed it gingerly. "Can you see if they've got anything that'll help with the hurt, here?"

AJ stepped back to his side, frowning a little. "Holy shit, that looks painful. What did you do, yank the IV out yourself?" He grabbed Nick's wrist, gently, and turned his arm, taking in the wide black spread of the bruise. "You think ice will help?"

"Maybe yeah," said Nick a little miserably. "My veins were't too good and I think my skin is too thin. It looks pretty bad, huh? And a little swollen. Plus. I mean. Fucking dialysis. My body's not too happy with me right now."

"No, yeah, I can see that." AJ kept frowning, but patted Nick's wrist and stepped away. "Okay. Gonna smoke real, real quick because otherwise I'll turn into a nasty bitch and you don't need that, and bring you ice. Bed rest, kiddo. You need some TLC, and we're just the friends to give you some. Howie'll rub your feet if you ask pretty."

Nick gave him a smile and waved him out of the room, and picked up his sketchbook again, flipping the page over and starting another picture. It wasn't AJ, though, it was him again. Him and Joey, and he did his best to draw what he really did see when he looked in the mirror, not what he knew his mind was projecting. He hoped it was a little closer to the truth, but he just had no perspective to tell, really. He was sure AJ would tell him, when he saw it.

"Brrrr, brrrrrr," AJ shivered his way back in the door, rubbing his arms and dancing a little, flakes of snow in the dark of his hair. "Dude, you don't need ice, I could just take you outside for three minutes and you'd be so cold nothing would be swollen at all. But I got you some anyway." He wandered over and handed Nick the ice pack wrapped in a dishtowel. "Hey, that's really great. Wow. You two look amazing together, I can tell, even though....you are gonna have legs, right?"

"Nah, legs are for the weak," joked Nick, letting go of the pencil so AJ could ice his arm. "I was just getting started, actually. Ended up being me again. Dunno why. There are so many other things around to draw."

"Yeah, but you've got you on the brain." AJ's smile was gentle. "This time it even looks like you. It's gonna be good. Once you have legs." He laid the icepack over the inside of Nick's arm, pressing it, but not too hard. "Don't let this drip on the paper. Joey's gonna want to see that, later."

Nick put the sketchpad aside, but still looked at it. "Does it really look like me?" he had to ask. "I wasn't sure. I ... I tried, I really tried, though. To see me like you guys see me. But it doesn't look right to me ... "

"It does. More. But you're not smiling, and Joey is. I dunno. It looks just like you, only kind of sad. Does Joey really hug you like that, standing behind you and just wrapping you up? You really got his smile, too." AJ cocked his head and looked back at Nick. "You're really talented, man. Super talented, you know?"

He always holds me like that," said Nick, smiling again. "I get all wrapped up in him. It feels nice, even when I'm feeling awful inside. I don't smile much inside, really. And I ... I just try to draw what I see. You know how much I love it. You really think it's that good?"

AJ nodded. "It's great. I mean, I was gone ten minutes, tops, and you've already got this. Totally real. It's great." He smiled back at Nick. "You two are pretty fuckin' adorable together, you know. He's good for you. Makes you smile." "He *is* good for me," said Nick. He didn't doubt that, even when his brain was telling him otherwise. "I love him a lot. I wanted a picture of him loving me. It's not ... it's hardly anything yet. The picture I mean." And the relationship; it was only just beginning. "But it will be. It just needs more time."

"Just give it time," AJ said, sounding like he understood all the meanings underneath like Nick had actually spoken them aloud. "God, has he done *anything* to piss you off, yet? You two have been dating a week, and you haven't been out of each others' pockets the whole time. C'mon, dish for me. Tell me about Nicky and Joey's relationship." He smirked a little, and settled onto the floor, crosslegged.

"Oh, we fought," said Nick, nodding emphatically. "When I was detoxing. We yelled at each other. It wasn't pretty. But he stayed anyway, he hung in there for me. Now *that's* love, AJ. Like. Seriously. I can't even doubt it after that, at all. Cause I was a shit to him, and he brought me home to meet his parents."

"Yeah, you can be quite the little snot, when you put your mind to it," AJ agreed, grinning and knuckling his head, still more gently than he ever had before. "That *is* love. But then again, knowing the Fatones, a pretty safe bet on Joey's part. They seem kinda bomproof. You two could be chasing each other threatening to kill each other with giant dildoes and I bet Phyllis would just tell you not to hurt the furniture. Wow, though. He actually yelled at you? I wouldn't have thought."

"I think most of the yelling was me," admitted Nick, "but he did. He was really fed up with me. It smartened me up, too, 'cause ... I knew what I'd be losing, already. You know, I think the whole detox thing helped me out with the whole gay thing. Cause I had enough other shit to worry about, and it didn't matter that Joey was a guy. And now that I'm thinking about it ... it's kinda too late, huh? I'm already way smitten."

"It was probably too late when you risked the wrath of Kevin and started dating whatshisname," AJ said thoughtfully. "Frankly, it didn't surprise me much. I thought you were, way back when we were little, but then you started dating all those girls and you were so adamant about it. I still remember when we met, though, the way you had those crushes on boys. It was seriously cute."

Nick blushed a little and shook his head. "Thank god my mom never realized that," he said fervently. "She would've ... I don't even know what she would've done. But it would've been pretty awful, I think. That would've been the worst thing for her to find out about me. Worse than being fat, even. It ... still will be, I guess."

"You'll get through it," AJ murmured comfortingly. "I mean, hey, we can tell our moms the same day, how 'bout, and then we can go...cry into our iced teas, or something. She'll...you're a big boy now. You gotta live your life, no matter what she says, and you've found love, now. That'll help get you through."

Nick nodded and shook his head at the same time, until it made him dizzy. "It's still not gonna be a good time. But your mom ... she *loves* you AJ. No matter how much she loved Sarah, she loves you more, and you know that. I ... I don't think I have that."

AJ sighed, and didn't argue, just sat there quietly for a moment. "Some people just can't love," he offered finally. "It's not you, Nick. It's nothing you did, or didn't do. It's a flaw in her. There are plenty of people who love you, and that's your proof right there."

Nick nodded his head and tried to be nonchalant about it, but it still hit him in the gut, hearing that. He *knew* it, but that didn't seem to make it any easier. He closed his eyes and kept nodding and tried not to let his tears leak out. "But she's my mother," he whispered. "She *has* to love me. It's her job. How awful am I that she doesn't?"

"It's not you. It's not. you." AJ's arm slid around his shoulders again. "You're not awful. You're a great son, a great big brother. And I think she does love you, as much as she can. But the things she can't do...none of those are your fault, in any way. I mean, you see how she is with Aaron. Is that Aaron's fault? Is he awful?"

"No, no, he's a good kid," insisted Nick, trying to hide a sniffle. "It's just ... she's our *mom*. It's so fucking unfair. And I can't even hate her. I want to, you know. But I can't, not really, no matter how often I say it."

"He's a good kid just like you were," AJ insisted. "And it's not fair, but you can't change it. There's nothing you can do to fix it, because it's not your fault. So you've just gotta...it's so hard, but you've gotta accept it. Figure out a way to move past it and be happy on your own. You don't have to hate her, you can love her, she's your mom. You've just gotta realize her limits, you know?"

"I don't want to realize her limits, I want her to be a good mother," whined Nick. "Can't I fucking get what I want, for once? Can't *some*thing be easy for me? Can't I just ... " But he did have that, something easy and unconditional. With Joey, and with Howie and AJ, and with Kevin and Brian and even with Joey's family. But none of them were his mother. "This sucks."

AJ raised his eyebrows at him. "Would you like some cheese with your whine, there, kiddo? I don't remember ever promising you that life would be fair. You get a shitload of things you want. Joey. Backstreet. A beach house, for god's sake. Sure, it's not your mom being the best mom ever, but there are a lot of worse things in the world than being Nick Carter. You might wanna sit down and think about all the amazing stuff in your life, sometimes. It's not all black clouds."

"That's a little hard to see right now," snapped Nick. "You *know* what this is like, AJ. Everything looks like black clouds. You've gotta admit, I've had a lot of shit going on lately. Enough to fucking let me whine about it a little, I think, when I feel like it."

"So whine," AJ shrugged. "But be sure to pull your head *out* of the black clouds every once in a while. It's real easy to get used to the view in there, and start thinking that's all there is to see. Is all I'm saying. You've got a lot of shit going on, yeah. Taking a break from it occasionally is good for your mental health."

"How the hell do you take a break from you own head?" Nick challenged him. "I used to do it by drinking. You got a better suggestion?"

"No, no, not your head. Just the black clouds." AJ hummed a little. "Whoever you see'll probably get you doing something like this too, at least mine always did. But it's like, you gotta focus on the positive things even more when stuff's going to shit. Otherwise it just overwhelms you, the shit, I mean. Think about something that makes you happy, especially when you start feeling really down."

"Like Joey," said Nick knowingly, nodding his head. "Did you guys know I was this fucked up? Before everything all blew up, I mean? Did you see this coming?"

"Not really," AJ said thoughtfully. "I mean, you're kind of fucked up. But so am I, and man, Kevin's just a case, and really, when you think about it, how many sane people do you *know?*" He shook his head. "I think the drinking thing was a surprise to everyone but me. The weight thing...Howie kind of knew, I think. And we all know your mom, you know. But it all kind of came to a head together, which was surprising."

"Yeah, tell me about it," muttered Nick, hiding his face for a minute. "Okay ... okay ... it's really starting to get to be too much, AJ. Just right now, it's too much. Tell me what to do, tell me how to get away, for a little while. Please."

AJ's hand was gentle on his hair. "Think about Joey. Draw your picture. Do something that isn't thinking about it all, for a little while. It's the best thing you can do. Or read, watch a movie, if that's what you want. Something that'll give your brain a rest for a little while."

"You were gonna play guitar," Nick reminded him. "Or ... movie?" He didn't want to draw right then -- drawing was making him think about it more not less. Drawing was making him face things, which was good but not what he needed right then. "Something like that, yeah." He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. "If it's not too weird, you could rub my shoulders."

"Yeah, no. Not too wierd." He grabbed for the remote first, clicking on the tv and dropping it in Nick's lap, before climbing around behind him to sit on the arm of the couch. "C'mere, scootch up. Pick your channel, and just relax a little. Once I'm done with your shoulders, I can play a little. Just the stuff I'm working on, you can tell me what you think." His hands eased over Nick's shoulders, much smaller than Joey's familiar ones, but strong.

"They rented movies ... " said Nick, but AJ's hands were already on him and he didn't want him to get up again. "I get ... really tense," he warned him. "Like. Really tense. Joey's amazed by it every time. He'll just get me finished and I'll be all tense again. That's ... we do that a lot more than any sex stuff. You probably didn't need to know that."

AJ chuckled a little, and kept rubbing. "No, probably didn't. You just spoiled my image of you two as completely insatiable sex machines. Plus, Joey's an angel, and you really *are* tense. Have you tried hot baths? You can just flip around, they have HBO and shit, I think."

Nick was still just letting it sit on MTV, though, way more focused on the backrub than the television. "I ... bathrooms aren't good places right now," he admitted. "Not after ... you know. Baths did work good before, though. Maybe they will again, someday."

"I get that," AJ said quietly. "The bathroom's not exactly a convenient place to have a phobia of, though. I mean, if it was like, basements? That would be fine, or even closets, but it's gonna be hard to avoid bathrooms. Especially when baths are just about the best thing for your muscles and shit. Maybe we should get a sauna or a steam room put in your house, how'd you like that?"

Nick looked up at him for a moment, thinking about that. "That's... hm, that might be a good thing. Except my phobia -- or, not a phobia, i don't know what -- is probably more of steam than the bathroom itself. Except, well, *this* particular bathroom, which just brings up bad stuff. Because it was the heat and the steam that, you know..." He didn't even really want to say it.

"Made you pass out?" AJ finished for him bluntly. "Well, as long as you can still get in to shower and take a piss, I guess you're doing okay. Once you're in a little better shape--no lightheadedness or anything--maybe that'll fade. It's more the hot water that you need, anyway, not the steam." He dug his thumbs in between Nick's shoulderblades, bending him forward a little. "Maybe a whirlpool instead. Hot tub. You and Joey can put it through its paces."

Nick snorted, but he didn't disagree, not now that all systems were, apparently, go. It ached as he moved his body, but it felt good, too. Not Joey, but something that was good enough. "My stomach feels weird," he said, rubbing it gently as AJ rubbed his back. But it wasn't an alarming weird. He knew 'alarming weird' quite well.

"Weird like you're gonna puke, or weird like something else?" AJ asked mildly, making no move away from him. He smoothed his palms down the center of Nick's back, still rubbing gently, and his hands were warm now. "After all, it's got to feel a little strange to have solid food in there for the first time in forever, huh?"

"Yeah," said Nick frowning and rubbing and frowning and rubbing. "I'm not gonna puke, it's not like that. It's... I think I might still be hungry, actually." Or thirsty, but Nick didn't want to say that. "You think?"

AJ's hands paused for a long, startled moment. "Yeah? Serious? Wow." He rubbed the back of Nick's neck one more time, then climbed off the couch, stretching a little. "Could definitely be. What you want? I can whip something up for you, I've never seen so many leftovers as there are in this place. More water, too, or would you rather have a shake?" He tucked the blankets more securely around Nick's body.

"God," groaned Nick, shaking his head. "No shakes, ever again. All they're ever gonna remind me of from now on is, like, vomit. Which is probably a good thing, because they're stupid fattening. Just... water's good. Water fills you up, right?"

"Food," AJ said without even a hint of flexibility. "AND water. Both. One to feed your body, one to keep you hydrated. Water ain't food, kiddo, and I'm not gonna let you get away with using it as a substitute. Neither's Joey, so just put that idea right outta your head."

Nick sighed again; he'd thought it was a good idea. Keep him from getting dehydrated again, keep him from gaining too much weight. But he did want to make that gnawing feeling inside him go away. "Well, whatever, then," he said, looking up at AJ. "I guess I'm not so picky. Whatever you think is good, AJ. I'll trust you."

AJ rolled his eyes expressively, muttered something like "and a damn good thing, too," and trotted out of the room. He was back in a surprisingly short time, a large glass of water in one hand and a plate with a small bowl, crackers, what looked like hummus, and jello on it. "Here we go. Soup, goodies, all sorts of good stuff. All guaranteed to be easy on the stomach, all very good for you. You still do have to drink one shake today, too. It's on a note on the fridge, I guess there's all kinds of vitamins in there you need."

"Okay, the shakes were good for a while," said Nick slowly. "They helped me get stuff down, and that's good. I know that's supposed to be good. But I can't do them anymore. They're gonna do more harm than good. I"m *serious*, I'm not trying to get out of them. The very idea of them makes me want to be sick. So we just... have to get th vitamins into my some other way."

"Well," AJ said slowly, setting the plate on the endtable in easy reach for Nick. "Maybe we could make 'em chocolate. Or put all that stuff into soup. I dunno, I'll ask Mrs. F when she gets home. You're gonna have to eat a lot more to make up all those calories, though, you know. Maybe jello? I'll think it over." He set the water by the plate. "Drink, then bite, then drink, and so on. Remember, you just came off the IV, you shouldn't be too dehydrated any more."

"I don't think I have to make up *quite* that many calories," snorted Nick, reaching for the water. "They were packing a lot into me, AJ. I keep it up at that rate, I'd be fat again in not time. No, no, I don't think so. But hey... this looks good and all."

"You have to make up all those calories," AJ contradicted, with a sigh. "Worry about fat about thirty pounds down the line, okay? Or don't, not even then. Jesus, Nick, were you not listening when the doctor was using words like 'dangerously underweight' and 'starving' and 'damage'? You're on a diet with a specific number of calories a day, so you gain the weight back not to fast, not too slow, and as healthy as possible. Now, eat your jello."

"AJ," said Nick, and tried to stare him down but he just didn't have it in him. "I'm not *starving*. He was exaggerating. I bet I look a lot better now than I used to. He's got all you guys up in a panic about the whole thing and you just really don't need to be."

AJ just blinked at him, then paced around the couch, muttering to himself and shaking his head. When he finally stopped, he was facing Nick, hands on his hips, and looked very serious. "Nick, have you seen yourself in a mirror lately? Naked, I mean, not just your face. Because you might wanna go take a long hard look and then tell me again I'm exaggerating."

"I've seen myself," said Nick, but obviously he wasn't seeing the same things that everyone else was seeing. Not they way people kept on reacting to him. "I know I've lost a little, or a lot, but you know... that doesn't have to be such a bad thing. I don't know why you guys are so worried about it."

"Because you're *starving*," AJ growled. "You're way, way too thin. It's a *bad thing*, Nick. We're worried because it's not healthy, it's sick. You're hurting yourself just as bad by not eating as you were by drinking, or whatever. This ain't just you getting into shape or dropping a couple pounds." He settled back by Nick's side, looped an arm around his shoulders, and shook him lightly. "Remember how you didn't listen, before, about the drinking? You said you trust me, so trust me on this. You're dangerously thin."

Nick wanted to keep arguing, but he was trying not to be an ass about things now, and AJ might -- *might* -- have a point. "I don't see it, though," he said bluntly. "I don't see it, AJ, I don't see what's wrong. I see that I've lost weight, I'm not blind, but it doesn't seem bad to me. Okay? I hear what you people are saying, what the doctor is saying, and I just. don't. see it. I don't know what else to say about it."

"Spend some time in front of the mirror," AJ sighed, shaking his head. "I mean it. And talk to your therapist about it, when you get one. Maybe they can help you break through this, because honest to god, I don't know how. For now, can you just trust us? Just because you don't see it don't mean it's not there. Right?" He patted Nick's shoulder, and checked his watch. "Eat, eat. Before the soup gets cold and the jello gets warm."

Nick didn't want to spend time in front of a mirror, but he had the funny feeling that was going to be where he was spending a lot of his time in the not-so-distant future. "I'm eating. I'm eating. I'm not so dumb I'm going to stop altogether, AJ. I just... I wish I could see the problem, you know?" He felt a teary feeling building up in his head, but nothing was coming out, thankfully. "I wish I could see what you see, so I would know why Joey looks so sad when he looks at me sometimes."

"Me too, sugar," AJ said quietly. "Then maybe you'd understand why we're freaking out, too." He squeezed Nick one more time, and let go, freeing him up to reach for his food. "After this, maybe a nap, huh? It's only a little after noon, the boys'll be out for a while yet I bet, and you're looking a little shaky. I bet you've still got some catching up to do, on the sleep. I could handle some shuteye myself."

"Sure, AJ," said Nick softly. "I guess I do. I'm just." He wiped at his eyes, but they were dry. "I'm so tired of feeling like this. I'm so TIRED of it. And I don't know how to make it better. I keep trying and trying and I don't get anywhere. I can't even see what's wrong."

"One day at a time," AJ said quietly. "It's all anyone can do. You saw about the drinking, you'll see this too, soon enough. Until then, you just gotta trust us and your doctors, and believe that we aren't just making it up. You do that, and you'll start feeling better soon, believe me. It does get better. It'll look even better than that when you aren't completely beat."

"I don't think you're making it up!" said Nick. "I just... I think you're wrong. I feel like you're wrong. I don't know." He took a bit of the soup, finally. It was already cooling, but he didn't mind. "I want to believe you, AJ. That it gets better."

"Good, then do," AJ said, with a small smile. "You know I'm always right anyway, might as well just give in to it now." He crossed his ankles and propped his feet comfortably on the ottoman. "Just concentrate on getting through each day as it comes, and it'll start getting easier. So gradually you might not even notice. But it definitely will, you can do this, kiddo. I've got faith."

"One day at a time," Nick echoed him, and nodded his head, and that kind of advice made more and more sense, when he was starting to freak out about the future. "Worked for you, right?" He took another spoonful of the soup, slurping it down and then smiling. "Things are easier to take when they're in itty bitty pieces."

"Exactly." AJ nodded approvingly as he watched Nick eat. "Just like Kevin used to say: break it down into parts, handle every part one by one, then put 'em all back together. Worked for songs, works for life. Don't tell him I said something nice about him, though, he's getting old an' the shock might kill him." He grinned back at Nick's smile, a grin that only got wider when Nick took another bite of the soup. "So whattaya think about that hot tub idea? I want to come visit if you get one."

"I'm just trying to figure out why I didn't already have one," admitted Nick, taking one more big mouthful then gently pushing it away. That was lots. "I guess I was busy with other shit. Killing brain cells and drowning myself in beer, or something. No time to make much of a nest for myself."

AJ looked around himself consideringly. "You might wanna let Joey nest for you. These Fatones know from homey, dude. This place is great, I could stay here for weeks." From AJ, who was the world's most restless houseguest, those were words of incredible praise. "Which means you shouldn't insult the cook by leaving food on your plate. Soup and crackers and jello, kiddo, or it's shakeville for you."

"I'm just taking it slow," he said, and smiled again, and hoped AJ believed him. And who knows, he wanted this much, he might want some more soon. Wouldn't be long before he was back to stuffing his face again, he was sure. It was what they all seemed to want. "Just keep it handy, all right? And maybe I should just leave my place alone for a while. Who knows how much longer I'm gonna be in it."

"Oooh, cohabitation," AJ drawled. "You gonna move into his zoo, you think, or get a place together? Because...well, we already talked about this, about moving fast and making big changes, so you know how I feel." He slung his arm back around Nick's shoulders. "Take it slow but steady, okay? As a personal favor to me. And keep eating while I go have a smoke, and grab a little something for myself. I think there's still some of that chicken marsala in the fridge."

"I'll work on it," Nick promised him, without even crossing his fingers. "And I don't know, I don't know about any of that yet, just that we've talked about it, you know? It won't be... we'll wait, a bit. We'll figure things out. I might wanna get out of my place anyway. But I wanna be with him, AJ. I really wanna be with him. Okay, go, I'm good. I'm eating, see?" And he had a tiny bit more of the soup.

"Keep doing that. One bite at a time," AJ smirked, and headed out of the room, whistling as he rooted in his pockets for his lighter. "And don't even think about getting up off that couch," he called back through the door. "I'm psychic, I'll know!"

Nick wasn't really planning to get up anyway, though now that AJ brought it up, he wanted to. He was alone, and no one was telling him what to do, where to be, what to eat, what not to drink. It was scary and heady and Nick took another little bit of soup as he let it sink in.

He looked around the room, realizing that this was the longest he'd been left alone in...he couldn't even remember. The house was quiet; there weren't even any footsteps after he heard the door slam behind AJ. He wondered where Joey and Howie were, what they were up to. He wondered how Aarond was doing. He realized he'd forgotten to call Brian again, and was just in the middle of worrying about that when his cell phone rang.

He had to get up a little bit to get to it, but he figured what AJ didn't know wouldn't hurt him. "Yeah?" he said as he bumped his leg against the side of the bed and stumbled back into it. "Ow, fuck. Oh, sorry! I mean. Hello?"

"Hello, Nick?" The voice was uncertain, hesitant, and unfamiliar. "Um, hi, it's Kelly. Briahna's mom? I was wondering if Joey's with you, I'm trying to reach him but his cell phone is off. Sorry to bother you..."

"Kelly!" he said, and he didn't think he'd ever actually heard her voice before. "Hey! Yeah, it's Nick. Sorry about that, I just banged my leg here. Um. Sorry, actually, Joey went out for a bit. But hey, he should be back real soon. You want me to tell him to call or something? Oh, and how's Briahna? She doing good? Everything okay? Joey talks about her all the time..."

"No, yes, everything's fine, I'm just kind of in the middle of travel plans--he told you about my vacation, right?--and my friends want to stay an extra couple of days. I need to check with him and make sure it's okay that he keeps Bree before I say okay, though, and they're holding the tickets for us, so..." she sounded a little harried. "Can you have him call me right away when he gets back? I'm so, so sorry, I know you're not his secretary but I know sometimes he doesn't check his messages for hours...I figured you'd be my best bet at getting to him quick, you know?"

"Yeah, yeah, it's no problem, Kelly, I don't mind at all. Yeah, he told you about the vacation. Hope you have fun! And... course I can't speak for him or anything, but I know he hasn't got any plans other than seeing his little girl for the next while, so. Yeah, I'll have him call you as soon as I see him. I won't forget. Promise."

"Okay, thanks." There was a smile in her voice now. "If he talks about Bree to you half as much as he talks about you to me, I figure you've had an earful by now. I hope you're planning on helping him out, especially if there's an extended stay. He's not used to being a full-time daddy, he tends to flip out a little bit. Thanks for passing the message along, I appreciate it."

"I'll... I'll do what I can," said Nick, smiling to himself. He just couldn't help it. "And hey, maybe I'll see you before you go away. But if I don't, well, have a great time! Your baby's in great hands."

"Believe me, I wouldn't leave her in any others," Kelly was back to sounding distracted. "Okay, I need to go call my travel agent. Talk to you later, thanks again! Maybe I'll see you before I go, if you swing by with Joe to pick up the munchkin. Have a safe trip home!"

"Thanks, Kelly. Bye!" And she was gone, taking care of the hundred last minute details that Nick knew all about, from years and years of travel. She seemed awfully nice, Nick thought, and didn't seem to hesitate at all to ask him to help. Even knowing what was going on with him. Nick wasn't even sure how to feel about that, but he was still smiling a little so he guessed it was a good feeling.

The television was still on MTV, so he settled in to watch some of whatever was on. It looked like some kind of reality show, he couldn't keep up with them any more, and he was drinking water when AJ strolled back through the door, licking his fingers.

"There were these great little quiches in there," he explained, grinning. "I can't resist finger food. But I see *you* sure can. Mangia mangia, you gotta get big and strong so you can play with your boyfriend when he gets home."

"Okay, you know, I'll eat and stuff," said Nick, rolling his eyes at him even as he welcomed him back. "But telling me I'm gonna get big is probably not the best motivation, you know?"

"Sugar, any motivation will do," AJ said lightly, throwing himself back on the couch at Nick's feet, fidgeting with anything he could reach. "So, you wanna play cards? Tiddlywinks? Sleep? Hopscotch? How you feeling?" Nick was kind of wishing people would stop asking him that, but he was prevented from replying by the sound of the door slamming and the high ring of Joey's laughter.

"FanTAStic," Nick said, grinning at him and sitting up a little straighter in the bed. "No tiddlywinks for you, man. Or, at least, not from ME. I"m sure Howie'd be willing to play just about anything you came up with."

"Not tiddlywinks," AJ snorted, tilting his head and listening carefully. "Sounds like the prodigal boys are home, huh? Well, I know when I'm about to become unnecessary." He nudged Nick's leg with a big grin, as the door to the room burst open, and Joey and Howie tumbled in, still wearing their jackets, hair salt-and-peppered by snowflakes and faces red.

"Joey," said Nick, twisting around to see him a little more. AJ was great, but it was Joey he missed. "Man, you look like you guys had a great time. I wasn't sure when you'd be getting back. Oh, Joey! By the way--" Nick straightened his glasses and looked a little closer, as Joey's reactions weren't quite what he was expecting. "What, you guys freeze out there or something? Where's my hug? Among other things..."

Joey giggled, and started struggling out of his coat. "We went and played pool, there was this total dive a couple stops away on the train, it was all full of old men and kids playing hooky. Me and Howie cleaned up!" Howie nodded, grinning wide behind his shoulder. "Hugs after I get my coat off, I'm all wet with snow. It's fucking cold cold cold! How are you, baby? Did AJ take good care of you?"

AJ snorted again, but he was watching the pair of them alertly as well, his head cocked, eyes a little narrowed.

"AJ's great," Nick assured him, turning back to his soup and even taking a bite as he waited. He hated having to wait. "It's been fine. I hate being in bed though, you know? And oh, hey, look!" He lifted his arm. "The doc was here. No move IV. Cool, huh?"

"Hooray!" Joey's voice was a little too loud, and he finally got out of his coat, tossing it on a chair with his scarf and gloves. "Means I can carry you around without having to drag that pole anymore, which is excellent, huh? Put that soup down so I can give you a real hello." He leered at Nick cheerfully, and headed for his side.

AJ had already lifted off the couch and gone to Howie's side, sliding an arm around his neck and kissing his cheek, then freezing. "Joey, *don't*!" he barked, too late to keep Joey from bending and kissing Nick deeply.

Nick clutched his shirt and held him there, kissing and kissing. He knew that taste, and he wanted it more than anything. And it wasn't the taste of Joey. It was another few moments before he realized what he was doing, realized where Joey had been, and jerked away. "What?" he whispered, then cleared his throat. Then shoved, hard, before he kissed him again. "Fuck. No!"

"What?" Joey blinked at him, shocked, then looked back at AJ, before staring at Nick again, eyes slowly going wide. "Oh shit," he whispered, in the instant before AJ's sudden grab and yank on his collar had him tumbling backwards off the couch bed onto the floor with a THUMP. "Motherfucker," AJ hissed, still hauling at him. "Come back here stinking like a brewery, both of you, fucking MORONS, Jesus Christ!"

"Get out," said Nick, his voice shaky and barely audible. But he couldn't manage anymore, and figured AJ would take care of it just fine. Joey -- Joey, who he was SAFE with, thought he was safe with -- had done this. Brought that back to him. He could feel himself shaking and he just wanted to run, run far away. If they hadn't been blocking the door, he probably would have.

"Let's go," said Howie, but his voice was hardly more audible than Nick's.

"Let GO of me," Joey blurted, loud and hard, and twisted out of AJ's grip and to his feet seemingly effortlessly, looking at Nick for a long desperate moment before he turned on AJ again. "We had one beer, maybe two, like an hour ago, final farewell to alcohol, you know? I didn't know! I didn't do it on PURPOSE, fuck you for thinking I would ever!"

"Fuck YOU for being so fucking STUPID, then!" AJ was enraged, jaw clenched and eyes flashing, and reached for Joey's arm. Joey yanked it away from him, then stepped closer, looming over AJ, staring down into his face.

"FUCK YOU!" He shouted, the sound huge and filling the room. "I'm human, I get to fuck up sometimes, I made a mistake! I'm sorry! I get, I can, I just, back OFF ME!"

"Get out," Nick said again, his voice stronger this time. Strong enough that he knew they heard him, he just didn't know if they were listening. "Get out, don't get near me. Get out. Get out! And stop--" He could feel his face getting hot, his eyes getting wet, his body shaking and his stomach heaving hard. "Stop yelling. Stop everything. Get out."

Joey looked at him immediately, as if he'd forgotten AJ was even there, and took a hesitant step towards him, then stopped. "Baby," he said, pleading. "I didn't even realize, I'm sorry...I'm sorry, I didn't mean..."

"Just get out," AJ said much more quietly, but still like steel. "Go drink some water, take some advil, brush your fucking teeth." He looked at Howie, who was frozen by the door, his hand over his mouth, and nodded a little. "Just...go. I'll stay here. Take care of it. GO."

"I don't," and Joey looked like he was on the verge of tears, but he didn't fght this time when AJ grabbed his sleeve--warily, this time--and tugged him towards the door. "Love you, Nick, I just want to explain...I'll be back, okay? Okay?"

Nick nodded his head and he couldn't even really look at him. He tore the glasses of his face and threw them on the floor and scrubbed at his eyes to get them dry. But they just got wetter and wetter. "Please go away," he said softly, but the room was quiet around him now. "I'm not going anywhere."

Howie was already gone, and Joey was almost there too.

AJ gave Joey one last shove, and shut the door firmly behind him, and the room went totally silent, except for his footsteps returning to the couch. He didn't say anything for a while, just dragging a chair over so he could sit by Nick, giving him a little while to think about things.

"It's okay to freak out," he finally offered quietly. "I did, first time it happened to me."

"I'm not freaking out," muttered Nick, shaking his head rapidly enough to make himself dizzy. "Not freaking out, not freaking out--" And then he was screaming, or yelling, or something. There was this huge sound, loud and anguished and raw, and it took Nick a moment to realize it was coming from him, tearing throught *his* throat and filling the room.

AJ was there in a heartbeat, holding his head against AJ's shoulder, just being there. "It's okay, it's okay," he was speaking normally, not whispering, so that Nick could hear him. "Get it out, let it out, it's all right, Nicky." His hands were strong and firm on Nick's shoulders, anchoring him, not going anywhere.

It took a long time for the sound to go away, and Nick felt shattered afterward. He didn't even try to control the tears anymore; he didn't stand a chance. "Not freaking out," he said again, and his voice was hoarse, and it was *such* a lie, because Joey -- *Joey* -- had just come in here and he'd been drinking and Nick couldn't handle it, couldn't handle it at all. Not now, he didn't know when.

"You're freaking out, and that's okay," AJ said, still talking in that loud, firm voice. Like he meant it. "It's okay, honey, you'll be okay. C'mon back now, get that brain back online for me so we can talk about it, all right? Calm down a little for me. It'll be all right." His palm was making soothing circles on the flat of Nick's shoulder.

"What the FUCK?" he said out loud, and tried to take some deep breaths but his breath was hitching and he coughed and hiccuped and couldn't seem to help it. He didn't understand, he didn't get it, this wasn't supposed to happen. He was supposed to be safe and protected and looked after and got he wanted it, so badly, and how could Joey do that? "What the... WHY?"

"Because he's an idiot," AJ said dryly, that dryness more than anything allowing Nick to start to calm down just a little. "He's an idiot who's only been doing this a couple of days, and he didn't think, and he fucked up. Basically. Breathe slow, okay? Here, have a sip of water." He reached over and grabbed the glass, offering it to Nick.

Nick tried to sip, but he hiccuped again and spilled and groaned. "Fuck," he said, and closed his eyes and just tried the breathing part of it. Just breathe. Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out, until it happened naturally and he didn't have to think about it anymore. "I can't... I can't do this anymore, AJ. I quit. I quit."

"No, you don't," AJ said calmly, holding the glass for Nick and forcing him to take another sip. "You got thrown a little, sure, but think about it...better this happens here, where you're safe and loved and comfortable, than at some party, right? Because people are gonna keep drinking, sugar, and it won't have anything to do with you. Though I bet Joey won't be, anymore. You can do this, you're doing great."

Nick shook his head and tried to get off the bed. "No, I mean it, I quit, I'm not doing this anymore. If Joey -- *Joey* -- is gonna drink around me then I quit. I can't do this. I'm not even gonna try anymore. Let me GO, AJ. Fuck."

AJ sighed, and held on, and Nick couldn't even begin to shake him off. "Calm down, and sit down. I mean it, Nicky, down." He pushed Nick back into the sofa firmly. "I'm not letting you quit, you don't even really want to quit if you think about it, you're just scared and pissed off and freaking out. Which is fine, but you need to calm down. Here, have more water."

"I don't want any fucking WATER," spat Nick, surprising even himself with the vehemence of that. It was like it was just coming out of him. "I want... I don't fucking KNOW, AJ. I don't know. I don't know anymore. I don't know anything. And just... make it all stop. Please?"

"I can't make it stop, I'm sorry," AJ said, still calmly. "Quit provoking me, I'm not gonna add to the drama here, I think we've had enough of that already. You want to be healthy again, you want to be with Joey, even though you're pissed at him right now. You want everything to go back to the way it was, and at the same time you never want to go back there again. You probably want a drink really bad, too, but you're not doing that any more, and that? You can control. Believe me, I know. You can."

"How do you know I can?" asked Nick, sinking back into his pillows again. "You don't know I can. I've fucked this all up, AJ, I've done it all wrong. And fucking JOEY. FUCK! I can't believe... no. No no no. No no no no NO! This is NOT happening. This is not happening, AJ, it can't be."

"It's happening, and you are gonna do it," AJ said, still maddeningly calm. "He had a couple of beers, Nicky, it was a mistake. He's not used to this yet any more than you are. It was a dumb thing to do, sure, but he's not allowed to be a dumbass once in a while? You haven't fucked this up, you're not doing it wrong, and you need to calm down just a little." He stroked Nick's back some more, making the strokes long and soothing.

"I can't... I can't... I can't... " Nick said, over and over until he didn't believe it anymore because he and AJ had been sitting there for a little while and he was breathing and the world hadn't ended. "Maybe. But. I"m really not doing very well. Don't lie ot me, AJ. I'm really not doing very well, am I?"

"You're doing okay," AJ said honestly. "Seriously? I've seen worse. You kind of messed things up with the not-eating, I think this would probably be a lot easier on you if your body was in better shape. But you're doing really well, so far. You're sticking with it, which is the most important thing here, and you're still sober. You CAN. I wouldn't lie to you."

"But Joey..." began Nick, and he wanted to yell again, throw things, hit things, just thinking about it. "He was. Fuck!" And he did yell again, but it wasn't anything like it was before, just a short burst, a harsh sound. "I don't want to see him."

"Give it a little while," AJ advised. "You're out here in the real world, where people make mistakes all the time. What are you gonna do at the next label party, when the girl comes around with the shots? When the label exec you're talking to has whiskey breath? Think about that, kiddo. Like I said, he made a mistake. You ever make any mistakes?"

"I don't care about them," said Nick, shaking his head fiercely. Even though he knew that would be rough too. "It's *Joey*. And Joey's... he's supposed to be perfect."

"Oh, because THAT'S fair," AJ said, eyebrows raised. "No pressure for him or anything, either. He's just a guy, Nick. A pretty good guy, if a little limited upstairs, but he's not perfect. Nobody is, NOBODY. He can't live up to that, nobody could. You've got to cut him a little slack. Howie's with me, now, you see me threatening to never look at him again?"

"Not *never*," said Nick, shaking his head. "I'm not..." He turned and slammed his fist into the back of the couch, but it didn't make him feel any better. It just made his too-fresh bruises throb, and he thought he'd probably have more on his knuckles now. "Don't make me be fair right now."

"Why not? You're expecting Joey to be, and me to be, why don't you have to be, too?" AJ looked at him evenly. "I mean, fair's fair. Anyway, I'm not telling you not to be mad. He fucked up, you're allowed to be pissed off, *really* pissed off. Just understand, he didn't do it to hurt you, it was just a mistake, and he clearly feels terrible about it."

"I'm not MAD," said Nick, and pummelled the couch a couple more times. "Okay, mad. MAD. But I'm fucking scared, AJ, I'm fucking scared that he could do that, that Joey could do that, and I don't feel safe anymore. I don't feel safe and I don't feel protected and I'm not ready yet, AJ, I'm not READY for this."