"Everyone always judges me," said Nick tightly, pulling away from Joey, pulling away from all of them. "Even you guys, you're always judging me, thinking I don't know what i'm doing, thinking you know better than me. Yeah, okay, I really fucked up here, I *know* that, all right? But you don't have to question everything I choose. And question everything I want and question everything I love."

"I'm not judging you, Nick." AJ actually laughed a little, shaking his head. "I'm not even questioning it, not really, or telling you that you shouldn't do it. I'm just making sure that right now, when you're under all this stress and pressure, that you're thinking things through as much as you can. It's not an attack, baby. It was just a *question.* I wouldn't be much of a friend if I just nodded and smiled and said 'whatever you want, Nicky,' even if I was concerned about you."

Joey tugged Nick inexorably back into his arms, wrapping a hand around his thigh to anchor him. "It's not criticism, Nick, it's care," he said softly, stroking his side with his other hand. "Questions only come from interest and concern and love. You know how protective they are."

"It's because I'm not comfortable staying alone yet," he said finally, not looking at either AJ, who was staring at him expectantly, nor Howie, who had fallen into the background watching and listening and waiting for his moment. "And Joey will have his baby on his own for a while, while Kelly's gone. It made sense to kill two birds with one stone -- I help him out and he helps me out. We haven't made a *decision*, about living together yet. But don't be surprised when we do. Okay?"

"Okay," AJ said easily, nodding. "I think it's great that you've got someone to stay with, that's a good thing. And if it ever gets overwhelming or you need a break, you're always welcome at the McLean casa, okay?"

"If the rest of her teeth come in, he may be taking you up on that," Joey warned lightly, rocking Nick a little. "Nick's gonna be such a huge help to me. Once I show him how to heat up the bottle, I'll have someone to share late feedings with. I can't wait."

"I want pictures of Nick feeding the baby," said Howie, smiling fondly at him and looking more comfortable again. "I want proof of this. Plus, it'll just be cute."

"Oh stop," said Nick, but it did make him laugh. "And you know, none of you are making me any less nervous about the whole thing. It's a baby. I can't *make* mistakes with a baby, it's not allowed." He sighed and relented and snuggled into Joey again. "Look out for me, but don't question me like that right now, okay?" he added quietly, to all of them. "I'm not really ready to take it very well."

"It *will* be cute," Joey agreed. "And you won't make mistakes, don't be nervous."

"Nick," AJ started, then shook his head. "Nope, I can't agree to that, I'm afraid. You're just going to have to remember that I'm asking because I love you, I'll give you a hard time sometimes because I love you. I'm not going to stop being a good friend to you just because you might misinterpret things and get all upset. And if you do, I'll just explain myself again, until you settle down. You're welcome to be sensitive, and I'm gonna be as careful as I can with you, but I'm not gonna change everything about how I relate to you on the off chance that it'll piss you off. I'm still gonna worry about you and look out for you and ask you things I want answers to. It wouldn't be fair to either of us not to."

Nick just grunted and looked away. He didn't have to like it, he knew, and AJ wasn't going to change his mind about that. Wasn't going to make things easier, in that way, and maybe that was the right thing to do. He didn't know. He just knew that it was gonna be damn uncomfortable.

"Thanks for the presents," he said finally. "They're really gonna help me out, I think."

"You're welcome," AJ said easily, grinning at him. "Now you can finally do that painting of Howie you promised me last week. Since he's right here to pose for you and all, he's like a captive subject. And that way you won't spend the whole time painting those naked portraits of Joey I know you're dying to do."

"Which you will never see," Joey interjected, amused. "Those gifts were a great idea, guys, seriously. It'll definitely help with the cabin fever that's bound to set in soon enough."

"You asked for a picture of me last week?" asked Howie, obviously surprised. And pleased. "It wasn't anything dumb like me with devil horns or anything, was it?"

"It wasn't anything dumb," Nick promised him, even though Howie hadn't been asking *him*. "It was sweet. That's not the first thing I'm gonna paint, though, if that's okay. I need to do some stuff for me, first."

"It wasn't dumb," AJ confirmed, swatting at Howie's ear. "It's gonna be a nice picture, like Nick does, just a regular portrait. When he has a chance." He turned to Nick. "I *guess* you can paint what you want first," he sighed dramatically. "I suppose. It's not like you're doing it for me as a favor, or anything."

"And if you need a break from all the painting you can teach me how to play guitar," Joey said. "I've always wanted to learn, never had the time. Now *that* will keep you busy, all right."

"Well, I already warned your mom I was moving in with her," said Nick, picking up the watercolor pad and flipping through the blank pages. "She may want me out of her den sooner or later, though. They'd probably like to have other guests over, once in a while."

"Possibly. But they'll just move us upstairs, once you're a little more mobile." Joey kissed Nick's temple gently, lips warm and soft. "We have to go home eventually, though. I don't think my band would take too well to a suggestion that we all relocate to New York. Not to mention Kelly and Brianna."

"Are you kidding?" AJ groaned. "I already miss the sun. And you know you'd miss the water anyway, dolphin-boy. I don't think the jersey shore really compares." He grinned at Nick. "I bet she'd be happy to have you, though, if we'd let you go."

Nick snorted and shook his head. "She's already counting the days till I'm out of her hair and she can go back to her normal routine. She's been such a sweetheart though, really. I woulda been screwed, without her."

"Nicky," said Howie softly. "Nicky, baby, I mean this in the *nicest* way possible. You gotta have a little more fiath in yourself, kiddo. There are a lot of us out here who really, genuinely like having you around."

"I tell him that a lot," Joey agreed, holding him tightly. "My whole family fell in love with him, and my mom's just thrilled to have him here. She loves every minute of it, she's already asking when we're coming back and if we can stay longer. Nick's one of her boys now. You two are well on your way, too."

"And we didn't even have to date a member of N Sync to do it!" AJ grinned. "Go us! Seriously, dude, your mom is fantastic. And I can tell how much she loves Nick. Almost as much as us."

"I ruined your cousin's wedding and I have her playing nurse for me, Joey," insisted Nick. "She loves *you*, that's why she does it. I mean, i know she likes me well enough, but I didn't make a great impression here. I'm still ... " He sighed and stared at his hands. "You coulda done better."

"That's bullshit," said Howie bluntly, breaking the awkward silence that followed.

"Total bullshit, you're right, D." AJ nodded firmly. "For one thing, Nick, think highly of yourself much? I seriously doubt you ruined anyone's anything; you're the boyfriend of a distant cousin, an' I bet you were probably pretty low on their list of things to worry about or even notice, if I know weddings. Second, Phyllis loves you to bits, even I can tell that and I've only been here for a couple hours. Third, dude, you're a treasure. Joey couldn't do better in a million years. You two are perfect together."

"If she didn't love you, she'd be polite and nice and not worry about you much," Joey murmured. "I could never do better than you, baby. You're my one."

Nick closed his eyes and buried his face in Joey's shoulder so he coudl sniffle unnoticed. "It just feels like I keep trying and trying and I never get anywhere," he said softly. "All this stuff and everything that's happened and I still feel the same inside as I did when everything *started*."

"It's only been a couple of days, you know," Joey reminded him gently. "Things like this, Nick, you can't expect them to change overnight. It's a gradual thing, and one day you'll wake up and realize that things are better, and they got that way slow. There's no quick fix and no easy answers, much as I wish there were. If you didn't have issues, Nick, you wouldn't be human. I've got 'em, AJ's got 'em,"

"And how," AJ threw in with a snort.

"Probably Howie has them. You're not the only one who's struggling. People have to deal with the hard stuff every day, and you just gotta take it one day at a time."

"Of course I do," said Howie, nodding his head. "Everyone's got their stuff, Nick. And you've been working on the outside stuff, not the inside stuff, anyway."

"I mean, at all," said Nick. "Nothing's changed, between when I was fucked up all the time and now that I'm sober. It's all the same stuff inside my head, except now it feels even worse because I have to pay attention to it all the time."

Joey tipped his head to Nick's shoulder, sighing. It sounded sad, and he hung on to Nick like he was afraid to let go. "I'm sorry I haven't helped," he whispered. "I can do better, I promise."

"Well, of course it is," AJ said, nodding like it was familiar. "It's all the same stuff you were drinking to forget. Stopping drinking doesn't make it go away, it just brings it back into focus. Until you start dealing with it for real, working to make it better, those things won't go away. Drinking was the symptom, not the problem."

Nick swallowed thickly and stroked Joey's back as best he could. "It wasn't you," he said quietly. "It's *not* you. You've done wonderful things for me."

"Look," said Howie awkwardly. "I know that i don't know what you're going though. And I know even Aje here doesn't know exactly what you're going though, cause there's a lot of different stuff, but I'm always gonna be here if you need someone to talk to or anything. We're all here for you. We always have been."

Nick didn't have the strength to argue with that, just shook his head a little. "You guys don't need to be worrying about it," he said. "It's my thing."

"Nicky, *you* are *our* thing," AJ scolded him lightly. "Family worries about each other, it's what we're for. And nothing you can say is gonna change that, no matter how much you kick against it. You just don't get a vote."

"Yeah, what he said," Joey agreed quietly. "Even if it isn't helping, we're gonna keep trying until you start doing better. We're stubborn like that, you know. I'm real glad you decided to talk to someone when we get home, though. I think it'll really help, Nick, and it's a kind of help you need. I just want to see you happy."

"Well, we'll see," said Nick vaguely without lifting his head. "We'll see what happens and we'll see what I do.

Howie cleared his throat, and the next thing Nick knew he was standing up. "I need to make a few phone calls, actually," he said. "There are a bunch of people I promised to call. They'll be happy to hear you're doing well. And a few things to reschedule and all. So ... I'll be back soon. Okay?"

"Okay, D." AJ looked concerned, but squeezed his hand. "Be sure to call Kevin and Brian, before they call in BPS to find us and check in on Nick. Boyband Protective Services," he explained, at Joey's curious look. "Kind of gallows humor, we started calling our security that when Nick had to have extra people assigned at photoshoots and meetings to keep the slimeballs off him. I don't think he had a solo meeting once until he topped six feet and one-sixty and learned how to throw a punch."

"Oh, yeah," Joey said, nodding resignedly. "Sexual Chocolate had a whole division just for Justin and Lance. And JC, but he doesn't know it. It's a wonder we *all* aren't in therapy, actually. We could probably all use it." He kissed Nick's ear and murmured low into his ear. "You promised. We can talk about it later."

Nick licked his lips and nodded a little bit just to satisfy Joey.

"Don't worry," said Howie, giving Nick's shoulder a squeeze before he left the room. "They're the first on my list. Take care, Nicky, I'll see you soon."

Nick watched him go, then closed his eyes again like they'd go away if he couldn't see them. Which he wasn't even sure he *wanted* them to, he just needed that one littl emoment to himself. "I can take care of myself," he said finally. "I can."

"You're one strong Nick," Joey said, smiling at him a little and nodding. "But be nice to us and let us try to help, anyway? Otherwise we'll feel all useless and fall into a decline, and next thing you know we'll be sitting in front of WWF with beer bellies in stained t-shirts, mumbling about the good old days. Everyone needs to feel useful, baby."

"We do," AJ nodded, before standing and stretching. "I think I'm still hungry, and plus, I need dry socks. Do you guys need anything, while I'm up? I think I might shower, too, I need to get my bones warm again."

"Oh," said Nick softly, looking at him. "Oh. And ... Joey has to go, too, and do stuff. Well, that's okay, I could probably use some time alone anyway and I know you guys want to get away from me for a while. Can someone just pop a movie in before you go? And then, I mean, I have all this stuff. I'll be fine."

"Sugar boy," AJ chided him gently, stepping to the bed and leaning down to hug Nick gently. "I don't want to get away from you. Just getting my feet warm again, because I won't be able to dance if I lose a toe to frostbite, and then where'll we be? I'll be back before Joey goes, I bet. And Howie too. Just relax a little, okay? We're not leaving you."

"Nope, not unless you want us to," Joey said, letting AJ hug him tightly, pulling back a little. "Laundry isn't exactly an absorbing task, you pretty much toss the clothes in and leave 'em be. I plan to sit right here and maybe kiss you a little and watch you sketch. Don't be so eager to get rid of us."

"I'm not," protested Nick. "I'm just ... you shouldn't *have* to be here. You all have lives, and despite what you seem to think of me I know they don't revolve around mine. You don't have to entertain me or anything ... I have lots of stuff to do now. You'll probably want to talk about me without me hearing anyway. So just ... I mean ... I *like* you here and all. But I won't expect it of you."

"You know, there's only so many times I can hear that you think we don't want to be around you, before I'm gonna start taking it personally." He glanced at Joey, then back. "And I bet I'm not the only one. You're calling me a liar, Nick, an' you know I don't take to that too well." AJ leaned down and kissed his cheek, then headed for the door. "I'll be back in a flash," he promised. "Behave yourselves."

Joey stroked Nick's hair and sighed.

"What did I do wrong this time?" asked Nick softly, wondering why Joey wasn't leaving, too. 'Should I just be quiet, Joey, would that be better? Because I can do that. I'm actually really good at it, believe it or not. From when I go home ... anyway, with the paints and everything ... you'll hardly even know I'm here. Honest."

"Nicky!" Joey actually laughed a little, and hugged him tightly again. "Sweetheart, you didn't do anything wrong. Did AJ seem like he was upset to you? Because I didn't get that at all, or from Howie either. They just had things they needed to do, before they could settle in here to relax. It didn't have anything to do with you at all!" He kissed Nick lightly. "Don't you dare be quiet. I love talking to you, and you know you can tell me anything. I never want you to feel like you do at home, around here, with me."

"I know, but ... they were uncomfortable," said Nick awkwardly. "I guess I can't blame them or anything, but it was weird. I just want things to be normal again and they aren't. And I can't do anything about that. And everything *is* bad in my head and it's just ... it's making things all weird. If I was still drinking, things wouldn't be weird, they would all be normal again."

"No, theyd be just as weird, you'd just be too hammered to notice," Joey argued. "Things are going to be a little strange for a while. You have to get used to being close to them again, and they have to get used to you, too. I don't think AJ was uncomfortable anyway, though I can't tell with Howie, he hides things better." He pushed Nick back a little on the bed, until he was reclining against the pillows. "Nick. You know you need to talk to something about those bad things in your head, right? You know that, we talked about it and you agreed, remember? If you want things to be normal again, you're going to have to do that."

"I know I did," admitted Nick reluctantly, wrinkling his nose a little. "I know, Joey, and I won't go back on it. But I didn't say that I woudln't have second thoughts, and I never promised it was gonna be easy. *Every*one thinks I need to talk to someone about this stuff and ... it just makes me thing, like, maybe there's something *really* wrong with me. Maybe there's something about me that'll never be better. And maybe it would make you stop loving me one day ... " He screwed up his nose again and tried to make the thought go away.

"Nick, come on," Joey said gently. "This is the twenty-first century. All kinds of people talk to psychiatrists for help on lots of things. It doesn't mean that something's really wrong with you, it just means you're strong enough to want to fix things and smart enough to know you can't do it alone. Now, if you wandered around miserable and hurting and refusing to try to make it better, then there *would* be something wrong with you. No one can fix you, but sometimes you need help figuring out how to fix yourself." He smoothed Nick's scrunched nose with a fingertip. "Cutie. I won't stop loving you."

Nick just wrinkled his nose again, but he smiled a little when Joey touched him. "You don't know how hard it is," he said softly. "I know it looks so straightforward, on the outside. Something's wrong, get it fixed, simple as that. But it's not." He sighed. "I'm sure AJ would agree with you. I have a feeling I'm gonna get a big lecture on it later."

"No, it is that simple, when you get down to it," Joey insisted softly. "The fixing itself might not be simple, might be really fucking hard. You might never be perfectly happy, but Nick, NO one is perfectly happy. Sometimes it's hard to change things, it rocks the boat and stirs things up. But the fact that something is wrong and needs to be fixed never changes." He moved his finger to Nick's lip. "AJ knows. He's doing it, you know? Why do you think he's still talking to Audrey? I bet he's dealing with his own reasons for drinking, his own messed-upness. If he can do it, so can you."

"Don't say that," said Nick, squeezing his eyes shut. "Please? It's hard enough ... I *try* not to compare myself to him ... I don't think it's healthy, for me to do that. To compare us. Cause every time I do I lose and I don't think it helps me want to be better. It just kinda makes me want to give up. Joey, I promised you I would talk to someone and I will. If I didn't do it voluntarily, someone would probably make me anyway. I may as well do it on my own terms."

"I'm not comparing you." Joey swept his hand up and down Nick's back. "Just using him as an example, sort of...a sign of hope. There's no way I could compare you two, you're like apples and oranges. His success...that's his. Yours will be your own, and won't have anything to do with his. Try looking at it as a positive thing; he's someone who loves you, who understands. He can *help* you, Nick, if you just let him." He sighed a little. "I'm glad you'll stick with what you said. I think it'll really help you, more than I ever could."

"Nothing could help me more than you have," said Nick. "No, I *mean* that, Joey. Without you, I wouldn't have even tried and none of the rest of it would've even mattered. I'd still be exactly where I was and wouldn't even be thinking about it, no matter how many times AJ got on my case about it, or told me how Audrey felt about it. I know I bitch and moan about how hard everything is -- and it *is*, it totally is -- but I know I'm better off now. Even when I say I'm not."

"Good." Joey kissed his ear, then his cheek, then his mouth. "I think you're making amazing progress, you know. I mean, it's probably hard for you to tell, because you're inside it. But you're better already. And I love you more every minute." He pulled back a little, slipping his hands under Nick's pyjama top to rest warm on his bare waist. "You realize that this is six days sober for you? Almost a whole week."

Nick smiled faintly. "It's a hard-fought six days," he said quietly. "And it's not getting much easier yet, my body's just starting to recover. But you're good at keeping me distracted, Joey. In all kinds of fun ways." He leaned in to kiss him back, the warm pressure of Joey's lips one of the best things he could imagine feeling right then. With a close second being Joey's hands on his body, even if they were close to places that made him uncomfortable.

"Mmm." Joey sucked lightly at Nick's lower lip, moving his hands softly over Nick's skin, stroking him. "Well, you just let me know any time you need distraction," he smiled, after letting Nick's lip slip free with reluctance. "I'm good at that, anyway. And I can almost see you getting stronger, you know. Your body might just be starting to recover, but it's making progress really fast." His thumb stroked a hipbone, palm fanned out around Nick's hip.

Nick gently pulled Joey down so they were lying next to each other on the bed, and kissed him again. "Not fast enough, but maybe faster than I thought," he said softly as he ran his own hand over Joey's body. "You're good at everything, Joey. I can't imagine someone better for me. I'm just glad you're willing to wait, until I'm the me that I *can* be. Don't give up on me, okay?"

"I won't." Joey's voice was absolutely assured. "I couldn't. Love you way too much. That's one of the things I'm good at. Loving you, I mean." He smiled against Nick's mouth. "You're perfect for me too, you know. I'm happy with you know, and I'll be happy when you're feeling better, and I can't imagine not loving you just as much as I do now." He propped himself up on his elbow, blanketing himself over Nick a little, hand trailing up his chest and belly under his shirt.

"I'm glad you stopped having issues about me looking twelve in my pajamas," teased Nick. "Because I'd hate for you to not be touching me right now. I love you too, Joey. As much as I told you before. Maybe even more. I know even I feel like the whole world hates me, I still have you loving me."

"You do. Always." Joey dipped his head and licked gently at his throat, scratching lightly at one of his nipples. "And I'd hate to not be touching you too. Sometimes, when things look bad, just touching can make things better, you know? Just a reminder that some things still feel good. And I can *show* you how much I love you, not just tell you."

"I believe you when you tell me, you know," whispered Nick, using his other hand carefully to undo the bottom couple buttons of his pajama top. "Even when I question it, sometimes I just need to hear it again. Or ... or feel it. This is really nice." He ran his other hand around to the small of Joey's back, resting it there with just the fingertips down inside the back of Joey's jeans.

"It is. I feel like the luckiest guy in the world every time I get to touch you," Joey admitted, rolling a little to free his other hand and helping Nick with his buttons, smiling when the top fell open. He ducked down, sucking at Nick's collarbone for a moment, his own hand echoing Nick's movement and slipping down the back of the soft cotton pants. "Is this okay?" He spoke against Nick's skin, his breath cooling the places his mouth had been.

"It's okay," said Nick, so confidently he hoped Joey knew that whatever he did, it would be okay. "Touch my tummy a little, okay Joey? Just a little. So I'm not ... so I don't get all uptight, if you do it later on ... "

Joey smiled a little, and licked his way down Nick's chest, scootching down on the bed so that Nick's hand slid up his back, with the movement. He kissed Nick's stomach, mouth open and tongue flickering, holding Nick against his mouth with that hand that was now cupping his ass. "Love your tummy," he said, "it's sexy. Gonna be even sexier when it's bigger, but I love it now too. Love every part of you."

Nick surprised both of them when he let out a little giggle and arched his back, pushing him *against* Joey's mouth rather than away. "Tickles," he said softly, but it was very obvious he didn't mind. "Feels good, too. Thank you. More?"

"Anything," Joey said, his voice a happy hum, hitching Nick even closer to his body, and tossing a leg over Nick's calves. The flicking tease of his tongue changed to something more sensual, long hot licks, and his fingers moved a little, stroking the soft skin at the very base of Nick's spine, over the tip of his tailbone. "Feels *very* good," he breathed.

"Tell me about it," said Nick with a soft chuckle, tangling his fingers in Joey's hair as Joey continued to lick him. "God ... Joey ... you have no idea what this is doing to me ... " Or maybe he did. Maybe that was why he kept on doing it.

"Okay, I can tell you." Nick could feel Joey smiling against his belly. "You still taste a little bit like soap, but underneath is sweet Nick-taste, with a little salt, you must have been sweating. Your skin's so soft it's like licking silk. And my fingers here," he curled the tip of one finger under Nick's tailbone, "it's hot here, and still damp from the shower, and smooth. I think you probably know what this is doing to *me*. I'm just glad it's good for you too."

Nick shivered and squirmed and let out a soft moan. "Joey," he breathed, letting his fingers trail down the back of Joey's neck to his shoulders. He could feel himself starting to get hard inside his pajamas, but he didn't think Joey could tell yet. "You *are* making me hot, and I can feel my heart ... just *pounding* ... but not in the bad way. You're so good at that, at touching me ... "

"I can feel your heart pounding too." Joey lifted up a little, lapping at Nick's nipple. "Right here under my tongue. I love touching you." His fingers traced down the cleft of Nick's ass, till he was stroking the delicate skin right at the top of his inner thigh. "Tell me what you want, Nicky. What will make you feel good?"

"What would make me feel good," said Nick softly, tracing down Joey's spine as far as he could, "would be to let this just happen natural. Or, I mean, as much as we can with me being attached to the IV and all. Is that ... do you want that, too, Joey?"

"Yes," Joey said simply, rolling him carefully until he was on top, his weight resting on Joey's chest. Joey's whole hand was down his pants now, his one hand trapped under Joey's shoulder, the other--with the IV--left free. "We can be careful. And do whatever you want. And I'm gonna touch you a lot now, okay? Just naturally, like you said. And..." Joey lifted his eyes to Nick, eyes delighted. "Nicky, you're hard."

"Shhh," said Nick with a little grin. "Don't scare it away. Cool, huh?" He rubbed himself carefully against Joey's body, then leaned down to give him a firm kiss. "Whatever you do, just don't stop now, okay? That's the only thing I wanna ask for ... just please don't stop."

"Cool," Joey agreed, eyes sparkling. "Baby, you couldn't stop me right now with a baseball bat." Both hands moved to Nick's hips, pulling him firmly against his own hardness and whimpering a little, then shoving at the pyjama bottoms. "Look," he smiled. "You're gonna be naked again. I love naked Nick. Wanna help me get my shirt off? I think you're leaving me behind."

Nick was happy to tug his hand free and work at getting Joey's clothes off, quickly. Not that he wanted this to be over quickly, but he wanted to get right to the nakedness in case him being hard was just a temporary thing. It didn't *feel* like that, but he had no way of knowing that anymore.

"From the feel of it, you definitely haven't been left behind," said Nick as he exposed Joey's stomach and chest and ran his hand over them as thoroughly as he could. "From the feel of it we're both pretty much in the exact same please, I think."

"That's a very good thing," Joey said, eyes fluttering closed as Nick touched him, stroking Nick's back from nape to thighs with both hands, pushing Nick's pyjamas down around his knees. "It's gonna feel really good to get out of these jeans, they're still wet," he laughed breathily. "And then I can feel you right. Oh god, Nick, I want you so much."

Nick kicked off his pajama bottoms and moved to straddle Joey's thighs so he could undo his jeans. "You have to do the rest of the shirt yourself," he said. "My one hand's not too strong. I can get your pants, though. I *am* gonna get you out of your pants, Joey. You can count on it." And he looked up and gave him a shy grin. "I'd really, really like to have sex with you now. A lot."

"You can have all the sex with me you want," Joey promised fervently, pulling his shirt the rest of the way off and lifting his hips to help Nick with the pants. "Any way you want, please, yes, a lot." He shimmied impatiently under Nick, arching his back a little, hands reaching for Nick again. "How do you want it? How do you want *me?*"

Nick laughed again, breathlessly, and lifted up so that Joey could slide the jeans the rest of the way off. He ignored all the little aches and pains in his body; they were so insignificant compared to what they were finally doing again. "I haven't even thought about that," he admitted. "I should ... we should ... I should be on top, just cause, I mean, the weight ... cause I'm not totally healed yet ... "

"No heavy me on you, no," Joey agreed, smiling up at him, kicking free of his jeans and wrapping a bare leg up around Nick's thigh, pulling him back down to his body. "And no banging your kidneys any more, I bet that wouldn't feel good at all, huh? So either we can just rub up all nice and hot, or you can come on in." He slid a careful hand between them, and touched Nick's cock with gentle fingers. "Or I could suck you till you scream."

"Oh man," breathed Nick, collapsing completely against him again. "Oh ... but then I couldn't do that back and that wouldn't be fair. Cause I probably won't swallow right now. But let's just ... let's just see what happens." He rubbed against him slowly and managed to find Joey's lips, kissing him at the same slow pace.

"Don't worry about fair," Joey said against his mouth, fingers insistent at the small of Nick's back. "Just do what you want. And I will too, and it'll be wonderful." He eased his leg higher on Nick's hip, bringing their bodies even closer, and hitched a breath when Nick's cock nudged his own. "Love you," he whispered. "You feel so good to me, Nick, no matter what you do."

"This feels amazing," he whispered. "I don't even know how to ... you know I was getting scared. That this wasn't getting better. But now it is and ... thank god. I know it wasn't long, but it was on top of everything else, and ... no. Doesn't matter. I'm hard now and I want you. Can I? Can we?"

"Anything," Joey said again, smiling at him. "Anything you want. I'm yours." He relaxed completely under Nick, only his hands still moving, stroking Nick's back gently. They were shaking a little. "I'm so glad. See? Better, always getting better. You feel amazing, perfect, wonderful. Please, Nick. Anything you want."

"We don't have anything, though," he said softly. "To do ... for me to be in you ... we don't have anything here. But that's okay ... that's okay ... we'll have other chances now, right? Of course we will. I can ... oh Joey, I know this is gonna sound awful but I just really, really want to come. It's been just about a week now."

"Oh, baby." Joey reached between them again, taking Nick in his hand and pressing him against Joey's belly, sliding in the dampness already there. "Just like this. For just a minute. Feel good?" Nick nodded blindly, breath shortening. "Okay, Nick, brace up for me, nice and slow, don't pull your IV. Up on your hands and knees." Joey started pushing himself down the bed, under Nick, kissing down his chest and belly. "Don't move," he breathed, just before he licked the head of Nick's cock.

Nick shuddered, almost collapsing. "How can I not move?" he asked, following it with a short, desperate laugh. But he did manage to stay right where he was. "Oh Joey ... Joey ... "

"Mmmmm." Joey hummed against his skin, before licking all around the crown and finally, finally taking him into his mouth. His hands came up, bracing Nick's hips over his face, and Nick could hear short, sharp breaths as Joey sucked at him gently. He was still making contented little sounds in his throat, letting Nick slip in further with every pull, until he sighed, and opened his throat, and Nick slipped inside.

Nick knew that they were in this position so that he could thrust, that he could get himself off just exactly how he wanted to, but he almost didn't dare for fear of collapsing right on top of him. Besides which, after all that time not being able to get it up, he guessed he was probably gonna be a quick trigger anyway. A *very* quick trigger.

Joey's hands pulled at his hips gently, encouraging him to move and holding him up, all in one. He sighed in relief and began to thrust just a little, the motion feeling almost unfamiliar, and he bit his lip, feeling a scream building inside his chest. It had been so long, and he felt so good, and Joey's throat was the most perfect wonderful place ever.

"Joey," he gasped out, trying to put about a dozen layers of meaning into the name. The primary of which being 'joey-i'm-gonna-come-in-about-two-seconds-get-ready'. Whether it was clear or not, it was gonna happen, and he was going to let it. Bracing himself on his elbows instead of his hands, he let his hips move more naturally and felt his orgasm swell quickly inside him.

Joey hummed some low note, and that was the last straw, Nick felt the orgasm whipcrack through him, arching his spine and tightening his throat and shooting pure good feelings all over his body. Joey's fingers dug into his hips, and Joey swallowed and swallowed, his throat working Nick's cock and bending Nick almost in half, it felt so amazing.

He knew he shouted when it happened, could feel the sound rip through his throat and echo off the walls, a sharp, lust-filled thing. "Joey," he said when he caught his breath again, and had to really struggled to keep from collapsing on top of him. "Joey, oh Joey, you weren't kidding ... "

Joey slowly licked him clean, then let him slide free, slipping back up Nick's body and tugging him down to rest. "You sounded good," he said, smiling and kissing Nick with lips abused to swollen, wet redness. "Shh," he whispered, stroking the shakes out of Nick and dropping little kisses over his face. "Just breathe for a minute. You feel okay?"

"Okay?" laughed Nick, pressing his face to Joey's neck. "That was definitely not *just* okay. But I need to return the favor. Just gimme a minute. Just ... let my heart slow down a little ... then I can. Then you'll feel good too. I promise ... "

"Don't you dare," Joey said, his voice fond. "Nothing goes in that mouth that's not on the list, remember? But if you wanted to touch me, I'd like that a lot." He kept up the stroking, moving his hips gently up into Nick's weight. "Or you could just stay like this, and I think it'll mostly take care of itself," he breathed.

Nick grinned shyly again and wriggled against him. "So we get to be messy?" he whispered against Joey's ear, right before giving it a little lick. "And then I can suck you off next time, if I'm not busy fucking you. Or not busy letting you fuck me. "Oh god, Joey, I love you so much."

"I think one of us can be messy," Joey said, voice tight as his hips picked up a little speed, rocking against Nick now. "I mean, both of us will be, but only one mess...god. God, Nick, I love you too." His kisses felt frantic now, and his fingers tightened on Nick's shoulder and back, holding him braced against Joey's thrusts. "Don't let me push too hard," he warned thickly, eyes closing and lip caught between his teeth.

"You're not," Nick promised him. He thought he might bruise a little, but it didn't matter. It didn't hurt, not at all, it just felt good and hot and hard and ... good. "Just ... keep on. So good. Let it go, Joey, and want to feel it. You just made me *come* Joey, I feel fucking amazing, *fucking* amazing, and you need to feel that too."

"You've made...me come...a lot..." Joey gasped out, eyes still closed. "Fuck, Nick, this feels..." Nick could feel the thrusts shaking through him, Joey wasn't holding back, not this time. Not when he wasn't actually inside Nick. "I'm gonna, almost," he whimpered, moving like he was trying to crawl inside Nick's skin.

Nick let Joey cling to him as much as possible, squirming and sliding against him with every thrust and biting his lip when Joey wasn't kissing him. When Joey finally came he pushed up against Nick as hard as he could and dug his fingers in, shouting almost as enthusiastically as Nick thought he had.

"Oh, shit," Joey breathed finally, when he'd relaxed back to a boneless sprawl on the bed, head tipped back and blinking slowly up at Nick. "God. I haven't yelled like that in...wow. A long time. I can't even remember. C'mere, sexy talented boy. Give me a kiss?" He tilted his face up invitingly. "You're beautful like this, can we stay like this forever?"

"Yes," said Nick easily, giving him a soft kiss then resting against him. "We're gonna be glued together soon anyway. We'll have no choice." He kissed Joey's neck, too. "You mom would kill us if she knew we did that."

"Did what?" Joey asked, trying for innocence and missing by a mile. "That was just a little thing. I bet you worked harder walking to breakfast." He smiled into Nick's hair. "I'm just glad the guys didn't come back. I'm pretty sure we forgot to lock the door. If we really *are* glued together, at least when they come to unstick us they'll get a view of your gorgeous ass, not mine."

"Forget locking the door, we didn't even *close* the door," murmured Nick, looking toward it and blinking a couple times like he wasn't seeing it right. "Did we? Joey, the door's closed. Did you close the door? Cause I *know* I didn't close the door. We didn't even get out of bed."

"I don't think I closed the door," Joey said thoughtfully, then his eyes widened. "Oh, man. Um. Maybe it was a draft?" He looked up at Nick hopefully, but his lips were trembling with laughter. "Nicky, I think we maybe just put on a little bit of a show. I wonder who it was?"

"Whoever it was, they had enough class to just close the door and go away," said Nick, giving him a little smile. "It was either AJ or Howie, and the both know enough to know what a big deal this was. Not that they won't tease later." He had to let out a little laugh, though -- he was still feeling too good to even worry about it.

"Well, if we're talking about class, my money's on Howie," Joey grinned, kissing him softly. "AJ probably would have just pulled up a chair and munched popcorn or something. Oh, but if they do tease you, can I *please* give them a hard time about seeing them last night? Because I'm kind of dying to, plus I want to see you paint them like that." He blinked up at Nick with wide, beseeching eyes. "You could call it 'First Night' and give it to them as a wedding present or something."

Nick smiled softly and turned back to kiss his shoulder. "Maybe I will," he said. "But you don't tease them unless they tease first. Promise? That was a private moment of theirs, even though we were perfectly innocently checking on them. *Perfectly* innocently. Of course."

"It was so innocent," Joey agreed seriously, eyes still twinkling. "We just wanted to make sure they were okay, and oh! Remind them about dinner, of course. I promise. I will only tease if teased first." He yawned hugely, and wrapped Nick close in his arms, hooking ankles around his legs until Nick was completely held. "You know how big this is, right? What an amazing sign it is, that you're getting better? I'm so happy I could melt."

"Trust me," said Nick quietly, "I know how big this is. I know better than anyone just how big this is. And I only ache a little bit, which I think is a *very* good sign. An amazingly good sign. And we can have sex any time we want now which is just ... I mean. It hasn't been *missing*, but ... but it has, kinda, I think. It's not the most important thing, I've just missed it."

"I didn't miss it so much," Joey said thoughtfully, then looked at Nick quickly. "I mean, I did, of course. I love loving you, it's amazing, and so perfect. But I didn't really think about it too much, I was busy worrying about other stuff, mostly. But it was missing, it was like we had one piece of our puzzle gone. And now it's back, and we can have sex. Any time we want. Which is *just* so cool."

"Or we can choose not to have sex," admitted Nick. "But it's a choice now. A choice. It's not something that's just *happening* to us, it's something we're controlling. And I really, really like that. A lot. Almost as much as I like the sex." As soon as he rested his face against Joey's shoulder again there was a soft knock at the door, but he didn't feel like answering it.

Joey grabbed at the blanket spread over the couch back, shaking it out with one hand and draping it over the two of them, all without letting go of Nick with his other hand. He tucked the corners in, then smiled at Nick with a last, lingering kiss. "Come in," he called. "Damn peeping Toms, anyway, at least we have the blanket this time. God."

The door opened a crack and Howie peeked inside. "Hey," he said softly, obviously making sure they were decent before coming inside. "I um ... was gonna come back, but ... " He seemed to run out of things to say, and just closed the door behind him, going over to the side of the bed and picking up the paints that they'd knocked off the bed. "Um. Congratulations?"

Joey chuckled. "Thanks, man. Appreciate you closing the door, too. Where's your partner in crime, anyway?" His hand was hot on Nick's hip, under the blanket, and stretched a little, clearly completely comfortable exactly as he was. "Did you get everything done you need? Calls and everything? Everyhing good with you?"

"Everything's good," he said slipping into his chair again when he realized they were comfortable with him there. "Talked to Brian a little, he says to give you a big ol' hug. Which is gonna have to wait until you're dressed. And I had to leave Kevin a message, though, I guess him and Kristin had a thing today. And AJ was still in the shower, last time I checked. That man loves his showers."

Nick was blushing too hard to even say anything to that, but it was a strangely comfortable blush. He was a little embarassed, sure, but he still felt loved. By both of them.

"He was complaining about not being able to feel his feet," Joey snickered, still holding tight to Nick. "You Florida types. A little cold, and you go all weepy. But if stays in that shower too long, he'll wash all his tattoos off, and that would seriously suck. Um, not to wreck the mood or anything, and it might not be my business, but what did y'all decide to do about that wedding thing, anyway?"

Howie's face darkened a little and he shook his head. "He's not talking about it yet," he admitted. "I mean ... he knows we're going to have to do *some*thing about it, soon, but he says he's taking a break from the rest of reality right now. I don't know if that's a good idea or not, but there's no talking him out of it."

"The longer he waits, the harder it's gonna be," Joey mentioned, voice gentle. "But sometimes everybody needs a break, you know. This is as good a place to do it as any. Did the other guys mention anything about it? Anything I can do to help, man, I'm here. Just let me know. You guys are family now, any brother of Nick's..." He squeezed Nick close.

"Is she spreading it around as quickly as he thought she would?" asked Nick, tugging the blanket up around his neck self-consciously.

"Not yet," said Howie, "but it's really only a matter of time. You know what I think of her, Nicky, I was always able to tell you that. At least he told me they were going to break up with her next time they talk. Which will obviously break the engagement. But beyond that ... it's like he's pretending it's not happening."

"Here," Joey said softly, rolling Nick off his body and to his side, so that Nick was between Joey and Howie, and though the blanket slipped dangerously, Joey managed to catch it before anything important showed. He tucked it back around Nick carefully, smoothing his hair back with a smile before turning back to Howie. "I bet he *is* pretending it's not happening, Howie. That's what denial's all about, and if he needs a little break from it all, that'll be part of it. I wouldn't worry about it too much, unless he just keeps going with it. Sometimes we all need a vacation from reality."

"I just don't want him to get screwed over," said Howie, rubbing his forehead and shaking his head slowly. "The world keeps on going while he's taking his break and I don't want him to rejoin it only to find out it's too late. Do you think I should go ahead and do something about it? Even if he's not ready to do it himself?"

Joey frowned a little. "I...I don't know, man. I wouldn't, if I was you, it's such a touchy thing with him, you know? Could you maybe mention that you'd be willing to call his mom or something and do some interim damage control, just lay it out there for him to say yes or no to? Because otherwise...you're kind of involved with this too, in a way. You don't want to go doing things that he might see as interference, even if we all know you'd be trying to help."

Howie sighed but he didn't look like that answer was anything other than what he was expecting to hear ."I know," he said finally. "It's just tough. I don't want to push him, but at the same time, it's time-sensitive. I can't leave it for a long time. I might not be able to wait as long as he wants to wait."

Joey glanced at Nick carefully, then back at Howie. "Howie, man. I don't wanna be an asshole or anything, but...it's his thing. I know you take care of him and all, but...it's pretty much his decision to wait or not, even if it's a bad one in your opinion. I mean, what're you gonna do, just override his wishes and start making calls yourself? That might be kind of hard for him to take, I think."

"I'm not gonna let that bitch fuck him over." Nick jerked his head up, startled to hear the force behind that. "I can't let her do that. She's probably counting on the fact that he's thrown for a loop by this whole thing, and taking advantage of the fact that she *knows* it's gonna take him a couple days to regroup. I know I can't just do it for him, but it's a little hard to stay out of it, too."

"It's hard to stand by and watch things hurt people we love," Joey agreed, stroking Nick's hair until he relaxed down again. "Harder even when we know we can fix it. But man, I think the most you can do is try to get him to deal with it. Anything...you're caught up in it too, now. You'd be more than a buddy who's taking steps to help. Anything you do could be seen in other lights, if you're not careful." He shook his head. "Ask him. Pester him a little, maybe. Prove her wrong, that'll be the best revenge you could take."

"I don't wanna be another person who's hurting him," he said, though. "I just want to make everything easy and okay. He's been through enough already, he doesn't need this kind of stress. She knows that and she's still doing it What kind of person is that?"

"Someone who doesn't know him as well as you do," said Nick softly. "Someone who wants to be with him, but still thinks about herself first. Howie ... don't be scared to talk to him. Don't be scared to push him a little bit. Yeah, he's AJ and he'll bluster a little and maybe throw a fit, but just stay with him and let him burn it out and then deal with what's going on. You know he will, if he's got someone firmly next to him."

"What he said," Joey murmured approvingly. "AJ's the one who stands up to people, tells them what he's thinking, even if it might not be the most popular thing, or he knows it'll piss people off. I think he deserves that same kind of help, at least once in a while. It's the hardest thing to do, especially if you love someone a lot. But sometimes...sometimes it's the best thing you can do, the best way to love him. He's a good guy, Howie. He'll recognize the love behind the words, even if he doesn't want to hear them."

"Make sure he knows you're not gonna make him handle it alone," added Nick. "There are some things in his life that he does have to deal with on his own ... but this isn't one of them."

Howie nodded slowly, and even seemed a little relieved that he *had* a course of action, even if it hadn't been his first instinct. "Well, if you hear some shouting, you'll know that I've given it a shot," he said finally. "Shouting would be better than him not talking at all, actually."

"Yeah. At least if he's shouting you can keep track of where he is," Joey said, a little humor lightening his voice. "Talking, even yelling, it's better than shutdown. I bet if you can get him reacting to what you're saying, even if it sounds bad, it means it's sinking in. And don't forget, start small. Suggest he call his mom, or something. Offer to call management for him. I get the feeling he's not a big fan of talking to them anyway." He sighed, and stretched, wiggling his bare toes out from under the blanket. "I find that the offer of a blowjob often sweetens the deal, too," he offered, winking at Howie.

Howie looked shocked that Joey had said that, then just grinned at him and looked down at his hands. "I'll have to remember that," he said. "Haven't tried that one yet."

"Haven't tried at all, or haven't tried to get something out of him after?" asked Nick shyly, not really expecting an answer.

"Nicky!"

Joey giggled, hiding his face behind his hand, before peeking over his fingers at Howie. "C'mon, Dorough, spill. Have you tried the power of the Hoovermouth in getting your way? Only thing is, you gotta be careful...it works both ways, you know. Pick your moments, or you'll find yourself at his mercy, I bet." He scratched his fingers down Nick's side under the blanket, tickling him a little. "Tell tell. You're talking to the two biggest gossip queens ever, right here. Don't let that innocent face fool you."

Nick laughed softly and snuggled up against Joey. "Oh, ow, ow!" He untangled the IV cord so that the needle straightened out again, and breathed a sigh of relief when the pain went away. "Sorry, carry on, tell me about blowjobs."

Howie still looked concerned for a moment, but finally seemed satisfied that Nick was okay and sat back in his chair. "Considering what I saw," he said after a moment. "You don't need to be *told* about blowjobs."

"Well, we don't need a how-to, no," Joey smirked a little, stretching contentedly and stroking Nick's wrist with soothing fingers. "But feel free to ask *us* for tips, if you want. Or, I guess, send him..." He looked at Howie curiously. "You can feel free to tell me to fuck off, but...are you...I know he ain't experienced at all, with guys. What about you? *Do* you have any questions?"

Howie coughed politely and shook his head. "No, I pretty much know my way around the male body, thanks," he said, which was a little bit of a surprise to Nick, but not really. It just wasn't something that Howie talked about, ever. "Maybe not as *creative* as you guys seem to be -- aren't you supposed to be *resting*, Nick? -- but I know what I'm doing."

"He was resting," Joey said a little defensively, tensing lightly against Nick's arm. "I wouldn't do anything to hurt him, anything he didn't ask for. We were careful, he didn't thrash around or even move too much. We were careful." His hand stroked Nick delicately. "I know what I'm doing too, you know. Enough to keep it from being bad, I think. I hope."

"I'm fine," Nick added quietly. "I did what I needed to do."

"No, no, sorry," said Howie quickly. "I was just teasing, I didn't mean that you guys were doing something wrong. If that's what Nicky needed then that's what Nicky needed. I understand. *Trust* me, I do."

"Sorry," Joey said quickly, nodding at Howie and relaxing a fraction. "I just...sore spot. But dude, no, I needed it too. And I'm glad y'all have someone around who knows what he's doing. Otherwise...teeth are bad, as I'm sure you know, and nothing kills the mood quite like a poke in the wrong spot." He pulled Nick closer to his side. "That's cool, man. I'm glad y'all are together. You fit together really good, I think."

Howie smiled again, but it was shakily. "It's all a little strange right now," he admitted. "We'd both seen it coming, I think, in our own way. But the way it did, and where it did, and *when* it did." He chuckled. "They say these things will always take you by surprise, but this one *really* blindsided me. That he would pick now, to see what had been right there all along."

"Maybe he couldn't fight it any more, with everything that's going on?" Joey suggested quietly. "Like, we always turn to the people we love when things start piling on. And he turned, and realized there was more there than he'd even really realized. Not that he's thought it through like that, I bet. He seems more like the go-with-his-gut type. Might not actually sit down and think it through till god knows when. He's a pretty complex guy, though. Seems like you ground him really well, I think you're really good for him. I'm glad he saw what was waiting for him. Sometimes people don't, or don't till it's too late."

Nick felt an overwhelming surge of love for Joey, and surge of relief that they *had* found each other, and gone with it, and neither one of them had given up. "I've known you just about all of my life," he said to Howie, "or all of my life that matters, anyway. And you guys *are* good together, Howie. You do things for each other that no one else does. Just keep going with that and see where it takes you."

"That's all I've ever wanted to do," he said. "Try, with him. See if we can make it work. I've always been there for him ... now maybe he'll see just how much. That there aren't limits to it."

"I'd offer you a hug," Joey smiled at him, "but hey, kinda naked here still. Just one more piece of advice...you've been waiting for this for a long time, but it's all brand new to him. Don't move too ast, even if he's being all butch and manly and 'fine' with everything. And don't take it personal if he needs to step back once in a while to kind of take stock. Best thing you can do is just keep loving him and giving him what he needs. He'll give it back, too."

"It's not his first time with a guy," said Howie softly, sounding guilty like he wasn't sure he should say that or not. "I mean, there was only the once, but he's not gonna freak, I don't think. I'll understand all about taking a step back, though. We've all done it, for whatever reason. And I know AJ, I know how he is. We'll be good."

"He..." Joey glanced at Nick, then back to Howie. "We know about the other time, sort of. Not details. That was you, too, right? Or am I totally off base there?" His fingers slipped to Nick's hipbone, rubbing idly there. Joey seemed to really like that spot. "I don't think he'll freak, man. Just maybe...not get places as fast as you. Since you're already there, and he didn't even know there was a 'there' to be."

"Yeah, it was me," he said, looking relieved that they already knew. "Just a one-time thing. It was complicated. But that was kinda what made this so hard, watching him be with someone else, knowing he *could* do it. But yeah. I don't think he had any idea that we'd ever be where we are right now. Sometimes ... I guess sometimes everything comes together in a certain way, and it just happens."

"He can talk to me, if he wants," offered Nick. "I'm still getting used to it too. Um. Despite the performance."

"I think if he talks to anyone, he'll talk to you," Joey assured him. "Maybe me. Sometimes it's easier to talk to someone with a little distance. But...that complicated thing...that must have been really hard. Like if after that first night we were together, Nick'd said thanks, I'm gonna go back to Willa now." He shivered lightly. "Some things do come together. Sometimes we just have to wait a little longer than others. I'm glad this one did, for you."

Howie nodded and looked at the door, like he figured AJ was gonna appear at any moment. Despite the fact that the door was closed. "There's still a lot to figure out," he said. "But at least it's started. At least he's letting me in a little now, and letting himself out."

"All you need's a start," Nick assured him. "Just look at what Joey did with the little start *I* gave him. The *lousy* start."

"I carried him home from a bar," Joey agreed, grinning a little. "He was gettin' targeted by some big mean leather queen. But he was awful cute, even when he threw up on my shoes. I knew it had to be love." He leaned in and kissed Nick, gently and thoroughly, and didn't even jump when the door slammed open.

"Lookit all mah party people in heaaaaaah!" AJ bounced in, hair in wet curls. "Wow. Damn. Are you naked under there? What did I miss? Did Dorough get a show, because if so, you gotta go again or it won't be fair at all."

"Okay, just *think* about what you just said," snickered Nick, watching Howie shove over to make room on his chair for AJ. "Besides, Howie's a gentleman. He would never watch."

"I peeked," confessed Howie. "I'll tell you about it later."

"See, he did peek," AJ said smugly, dropping down beside Howie and shoving and pulling at him until he was arranged to AJ's satisfaction. "He's not that much a gentleman. It's not like y'all aren't hot, once I get past the whole 'ick, Nicksex' thing. Anything interesting happen, besides Joe getting lucky?"

"What, you don't think I was lucky too?" asked Nick, sticking out his tongue at him and tugging up the blankets again, feeling his nakedness acutely.

"Yes, apparently Nick *does* have sex," added Howie. "We need to admit it now. But peeking is *not* the same as watching. Once I knew what I was seeing, I closed the door. Would *you* have done the same? I don't think so."

"He would if he knew what was good for him," Joey threatened lightly, pulling back absently at the blankets that Nick was about to strip off his body. "I can forgive the peeking. Full-on uninvited voyeurism is something else entirely." He pulled a little harder, and the blanket slipped down around Nick's waist.

"I wouldn't have *watched*," AJ protested, grinning. "Just maybe peeked a little longer. So I could tell you all the fun details, later, instead of 'yeah, Nicky was giving him a handjob, I think, it was all so fast!'" He peered more closely at Nick. "Did you? Get lucky, I mean?"

Nick yanked the blanket up again immediately, and blushed, and hardly even noticed that he was yanking the blanket *off* Joey again. "Um," he said softly. "Yeah. Maybe. I might've. Gotten lucky, I mean. I seem to be ... um ... "

"I said I'd tell you *later*," said Howie, giving Nick a little wink. "Maybe when we're in a position to do a little reinactment."

Joey tugged back on the blanket, gently but firmly, covering his bare leg and hip and belly, and leaving Nick bare from the stomach down. "They're gonna see more of me than I think you want, you don't quit that," he muttered, grinning a little.

"Whoo! Nicky!" AJ clapped enthusiastically, almost knocking Howie off the chair. "All parts reporting for duty, huh? That rocks, man, sex is the best thing to pass the time when you're stuck in bed, and it's always more fun when you get to play too. I think he gave you a hicky, too." He grinned and nodded towards Nick's chest. "Nice going."

Nick was sure his blush was gonna cover his whole body pretty soon. "Okay, and *this* is why I'm glad it's Howie that discovered the open door and not you. Yes, okay? Yes, it seems to be working again. And if you scare it away I'm never, ever, not in a million years gonna forgive you. And damn, Joey ... we need more blanket here."

"We wouldn't if you weren't laying on half of it, all wrapped up like a mummy," Joey said, chuckling. "Don't worry about it. It's one of the perks of being guys, we can show our manly chests and not have to worry about being indecent or anything. As long as your private bits are covered, you're good."

"I'm not gonna scare it away," AJ said indignantly. "I'm over here throwing a party for the little guy. I think it's fantastic. Now, when me and Howie sneak away to make out and shit, I won't feel so bad."

Thinking about *that* didn't make Nick blush any less. "Yeah, don't feel bad about that," he said. "You guys are really cute all tangled up in each other."

"We're what?" asked Howie, looking over at AJ who was a little tangled with him, sure, but nothing that would've prompted a comment like that. "Not that I'm saying we *aren't*, but ... "

"Perhaps Nick should have said you *were* cute, in a moment of peekingness on our part," Joey said judiciously, eyes wicked. "We were coming to get you for dinner, you know. Last night. It's not really our fault that you didn't lock the door."

"Oh." AJ looked from Joey to Nick to Howie, and there was the faintest red tinge to his cheeks. "Oh man, we weren't...doing anything, were we? You wouldn't do that, right?" He was grinning through his blush, though.

"You were sleeping," said Nick delicately, closing his eyes and shaking his head at himself for letting that slip. "We decided not to wake you up, you looked like you needed the sleep more. And looked like you wouldn't really have been happy to have been moved."

"You're right, we were pretty happy where we were," murmured Howie. "You didn't tell me before that you'd seen."

"We didn't wanna bring it up," Joey confessed. "But then Peeping Howie over here opened the floodgates, and it was truthtelling time. Don't worry, nothing was showing, really. You looked kind of like art. It was all aesthetic apprectiation, here, trust me. And we didn't get you up because you looked so happy. It was a good thing, guys."

"Well, I slept through the night," AJ said, waving his hand around a little. "That was pretty good, especially for me, right now. It was pretty comfortable. Good thing I grew up having to share space with y'all."

"So all you saw was sleeping?" Howie confirmed. "Well ... that's okay. AJ's pretty cute when he's sleeping. I always thought that." He touched AJ's cheek, just for a moment, but it was long enough for them to see it, see the tenderness that was there between them.

"I've grown up a little," said Nick with a little smile. "Even in the last week. I know when people need their privacy."

AJ turned his face into Howie's touch, smiling softly, then chuckled. "Are you sayin' you like me better when I'm quiet and motionless? D, I'm hurt!"

"Like a baby," Joey said, grinning. "Completely adorable when they aren't awake and screeching. It's when they wake up that the problems start."

"Hey, Howie likes my screeching!" AJ cuddled closer to Howie, arching his spine and rubbing his thigh along Howie's suggestively, basically on display. "Don't you? I'm *much* more fun when I'm awake."

Howie coughed poliely and was obviously trying not to let AJ move around quite so much. Or quite in that way, anyway. "You're a lot of fun when you're awake, yes," he said softly. "But that might be the kind of fun we want to have without an audience."

"Screeching?" said Nick, turning his head to stare at Joey. "*Screeching?*"

"Howie," AJ purred, leaning in to nibble on his neck lightly, "baby, I pretty much have sex with the stage in front of a couple hundred thousand screaming fans. Audiences..." He blew lightly on Howie's ear, "...are not really much of a problem for me."

"Just keep your clothes on," Joey advised, watching with interest. "Not that I'd mind, but it's a little chilly in here." He tugged at the blanket again, and turned to Nick. "Yeah, screeching. Babies screech a lot. It's their main form of communication, as far as I can tell. I've got earplugs in most of the rooms in the house, just in case."

"He's hurt people for less than that," said Nick, watching AJ and Howie out of the corner of his eye. "I'm aware that babies have a tendency to screech. AJ? You're just lucky he's occupied with Howie's neck right now." Howie, for his part, seemed to have no problem with AJ's interests anymore, as long as they were over the clothes.

"He does seem awful mellow," Joey agreed, watching them much more openly, as Howie's head sank back against the chair, and AJ's knee slid up over Howie's thigh. "He's probably just making up for the fact that he had to shower all by himself. Poor thing. He looks all pent up." He tugged Nick closer, taking his hand and resting their linked fingers against his breastbone.

AJ's hand lifted to flip Joey off, casually, and he rumbled something low and soft against Howie's neck.

From the tingling in the pit of his stomach, Nick actually thought he might be getting turned on again, and really, really hoped that it didn't show. "They're awfully pretty together," he whispered, unable to not look, now that he was. They way they touched each other, he'd never seen that before. Not from then, and not often from other people not since he was little. And even then, not like *that*. Maybe if he had, he would have been more okay with who *he* was a lot sooner than he was. "This has been a long time coming, I think."

"Ho-wie," AJ said, in what would have been a singsong if it hadn't been so rough and raw and deep. "Come here, D, down right here." He raised his mouth from Howie's neck and tangled his fingers in dark curls, tugging until Howie bent to his mouth. Nick could see AJ's tongue flickering out to touch Howie's lips.

"Well, he certainly seems comfortable enough now," Joey agreed, his own whisper a little husky. "God. That's kind of...hot." He squirmed a little, as AJ's hand curled around the top of Howie's thigh, fingers stroking the back suggestively.

"Yeah," breathed Nick, and yes, yes, he was definitely getting turned on again. The little guy was obviously making up for lost time. Plus, AJ was like porn at the best of times, let alone when he was licking Howie. And wow, look, there was Howie licking him back. And kissing. And touching in ways that were only a little more innocent than AJ's were. "I kinda noticed that on my own, actually."

"AJ's a fast learner," Joey mused quietly, his lips quirking. His eyes never left the couple on the chair, but his free hand slipped across Nick's belly under the blanket, fingers sliding down the crease of his hip until he was cupping Nick gently. "Yeah, you did notice, huh? Look at that. I like that a lot. I think maybe you should fuck me with it, when you're feeling better. Right now, you should definitely kiss me." He grinned a little more, almost baring his teeth, and Nick realized that AJ was watching them too, eyes heavy-lidded and absently dreamy over Howie's head, bent to *his* neck now. "He's not paying any attention to us," Joey whispered. "Not really."

"He is," murmured Nick, getting harder just hearing Joey talk. Part of him hoped the other two *really* didn't know what was going on under the blanket and part of him didn't care anymore because it felt good and he missed that. "He'll say something later. When he's not so occupied." AJ would remember, he was sure of that. But so would he. "Before we leave New York, I'm going to fuck you," he said quietly. Howie bit AJ's ear and Nick's cock twitched.

"I'll hold you to that promise, I want that," Joey said, stroing him and inching closer. His body was radiating heat under the blanket, and Nick could feel the sweat prickling across his belly and shoulders. "He can say all he wants," Joey continued in a low voice. "He's doing plenty himself." AJ's hands were now blatantly cupping Howie's ass, black polish and heavy silver rings looking strange against the mundane blue denim of Howie's jeans. He growled as Howie nibbled behind his ear, and his head fell back, though he didn't look away and his eyes were knowing. "Nick," Joey breathed, yanking his attention back with a quick pull of his hand.

Nick's head jerked around and then they were kissing like there was no one else there, like there was no one else anywhere. It happened so suddenly, so naturally, and felt so good, better than anything. He could hear AJ and Howie faintly, knew they were still making out but the clothing rule had been enforced. But he was naked and Joey was naked and he could see things easily going further, maybe further than they meant them to. And right then he didn't care.

Joey pushed up onto one elbow, looming over Nick a little and pushing at him till he was on his back, never breaking the kiss. He gave all parts of Nick's mouth careful attention, lips, tongue and teeth, like he was memorizing Nick and didn't want to miss an inch. Nick's hands curled up and over his bare shoulders, and Joey settled carefully over him, hips aligned, most of his weight on his elbows. Not pushing or thrusting, just holding Nick's cock trapped between the heat of their bodies. "Jesus," someone said faintly, probably AJ, and Nick couldn't tell if it was because of Howie or something they'd done, and he couldn't be bothered to figure it out.

"We can't," he whispered to Joey, but they were, in their own way, and he didn't want them to stop. They were already messy, what was a little more? He did tug the blanket up a little bit. It was obvious what they were doing, how they were pressed up against one another, but they didn't have to add a glimpse of bare flesh to the mix. If they were even looking anymore, which Nick couldn't guarantee because he couldn't even see them anymore, could only hear the little noises they both were making. The noises were quite enough.

"We won't," Joey breathed into him, still kissing him. "We'll stop, before, unless they go. I don't..." His head turned, and Nick was close enough to see his eyes widen briefly, before he looked back at Nick. "I don't think they're leaving. I don't care. You make me...I want you. But only what you want. You say, you tell me. You're in control." He licked Nick's lips, then dragged his tongue up Nick's throat.

AJ's constant low murmur was a little louder now, and Nick could hear little words here and there, like "hot" and "more" and "there, right there," and "licking Nick, beautiful," and "Howie."

"I'm not in control," he said softly. Even though they only moved their hips the slightest bit, they were rubbing against one another already. "My body has all sorts of ideas of its own right now. And I'm letting it." He clutched Joey's shoulders tightly and arched his neck back. "I can't see them," he murmured. "Tell me what they're doing, Joey. Describe it for me."

Joey bit lightly at his collarbone, then turned his head again, speaking against Nick's skin. "Howie's in AJ's lap, now," he murmured. "He's straddling him, they're moving together like dancers, one of AJ's hands is up Howie's shirt. They're kissing, but AJ is staring. At us." He shivered a little, hand moving restlessly up and down Nick's bare side. "I can see AJ's hand between his legs," he said softy. "Howie's moaning. I like your body's ideas. It's got good ones, I can tell already."

"Now that all the signals aren't getting all mixed up anymore, seems like my body knows exactly what it wants," he said softly, running one of his hands down to the small of Joey's back. "Do you think they're really gonna get off in front of us? You have to keep telling me." He tilted his head back up and kissed Joey again, thoroughly, turned on that much despite the other people in the room. Or maybe because of it. It was kinda fucked up, but then boyband group dynamics always were.

"I have no idea," Joey said, eyes fluttering closed as Nick kissed him. "I don't think AJ has ever once been shy, and Howie's...I think AJ's a bad influence, I don't think Howie knows we're here anymore. It would be kind of hot if they did, I think." He twisted his hips down gently into Nick's, rubbing them together. "I think AJ likes to watch," he whispered to Nick, low and a little dirty. "I think he thinks you're gorgeous too, I think we're like porn for him right now. Showing him, a little, since it's all new. And you're lying there looking like sex and sugar, and he's got Howie who he loves, and I don't think they're going anywhere."

"Right now I don't mind showing him anything," said Nick. "He's AJ, he got me my first porn, he's earned it." When the blanket slipped down a little this time, he let it. "You have to tell me if someone comes, though. I want to see. You promise me, Joey?" Their hips found a rhythm, still not moving much, but definitely noticeably. There was no mistaking what they were doing, if there even ever had been.

Joey's eyebrows lifted a little, incredulous, but he smiled and shook his head and bent to kiss Nick again. "I promise to tell you if someone comes," he murmured, the muscles in his arms flexing as he lowered his hips a little further, pushing against Nick gently. "I mean, if I can even tell. If I can even remember they're there. Jesus, Nick, you're sweet. I know I'd watch you, too."

"You do watch me," said Nick, forcing a fleeting moment of body-consciousness away. He'd deal with that later. "You can watch me any time. Them ... only on special occasions." He could still hear them murmuring to each other, softly, between pants and low moans. He couldn't make out words anymore, though, except maybe once he thought he heard his name.

"AJ has one hand in Howie's hair, he's bending him back and kissing his throat. He's still watching us," Joey murmured, glancing away. "He's doing this too, he's describing you to Howie, because Howie can't see. Howie's kind of twisting now, in AJ's lap, I think he's shaking, Nick. AJ's taking him apart, right there." Joey's teeth nipped down on Nick's earlobe sharply. "I want to watch you *all* the time," he whispered.

Nick heard a whimper escape him and he arched up. "Joey," he said, softly but urgently. "I just ... you should know. I think we just hit the point of no return." And he didn't let it stop him, kept moving against Joey as the blanket slipped lower still. "Do they think we're pretty too, do you think?" He turned his head just enough so that he could see them together for a moment, and felt his cock jump even before meeting AJ's eyes. He pulled his own away first and closed them, kissing Joey again fiercely.

"Fuck." Even breathless, AJ's voice had resonance. "Howie, baby, D, c'mere, c'mon, just...yeah, like that, just, quick, okay..."

"They think we're pretty," Joey breathed against his neck, eyes locked on something Nick couldn't see. "Howie's turned around now. He's sitting back on AJ, his legs are spread, AJ's knees are between his, he's panting, Nick, his mouth's all red and wet, he's looking at you." Joey lifted again, and stared down into Nick's face, moving his hips a little faster, dragging through the dampness already on Nick's stomach. "So pretty. No one as pretty as you, ever."

Nick didn't believe that, but he didn't say anything about it either. Right then it didn't matter. Joey was going to make him come again in about two seconds and he wasn't sure his poor body could take it. But it felt so good and he wanted more, more, wanted everyone to know how good he was feeling. He arched his back and tilted his head back and let out the noises that he'd been keeping in for fear of embarassment.

"Yeah, yeah." Nick could barely hear Joey over the moans he could feel vibrating in his throat. "Come on, baby, love, come on, you can, you can..." He twisted his pelvis the next time he ground down, trapping Nick's cock between them and sliding up and down it. Nick thought he shouted a little, he couldn't tell, the pleasure shooting down his spine was so intense it was almost painful, and then he was coming, hot wetness spreading between them, Joey still moving.

"Holy shit, oh my God." AJ's voice was coming in rythmic bursts, and Nick caught a flicker of motion out of the corner of his eye, Howie moving on AJ in just that same rythm. He wasn't sure, but he thought AJ's hands were tucked down the front of Howie's jeans.

It wasn't the strangest thing he'd ever done -- they'd ever done -- but it was up there and it was starting to hit him. He didn't stop, though, not while Joey had that intense, desperate look on his face, and still slid against his body. He dug his fingertips into Joey's flesh and ground back against him as much as he could and said, "Just let it happen," not just to Joey, but to all of them.

Joey pressed his face to the side of Nick's neck and sighed and stiffened, shuddering. Nick was glad that the blanket was still somehow clinging to Joey's hips, even as they jerked against him a few times, convulsively, Joey breathing his name against his skin over and over. Even when he relaxed, he was careful to take most of his weight on his arms, leaning only lightly against Nick's body.

"Howie..." AJ's voice had a desperate thinness to it that Nick hadn't heard before, and he forced his tired eyes open to see.

He hadn't been wrong about AJ's hands being in Howie's pants, only half unbuttoned and not showing anything. They were *both* still completely dressed, but everything they were doing was showing on their faces. They still watched him, as much as they could being so distracted by each other, but the way they moved together, they way they were so aware of each other ...

"They *are* so beautiful," he whispered in Joey's ear.

"Yeah," Joey breathed back, just as one of AJ's hands pulled free of Howie's fly, sliding up his chest and then his neck, tilting his chin back until AJ could angle his head and lick and nip at Howie's throat. He met Nick's look one more time, eyes huge and black and a little wild in his thin face, before his lashes fluttered and they closed. His teeth flashed white against Howie's dark skin as he bit down and cried out, the sound high and strange.

"Oh my god, I think he just ... " said Nick softly, clutching Joey and keeping him close.

Howie pushed back as AJ's hand kept working inside his pants, bucking his hips forward and biting his lip and closing his eyes, too. Then he stopped moving and held himself perfectly still and if Nick could see a little better, he thought he might've seen a faint stain spreading on Howie's pants.

"Wow," Joey whispered, almost inaudible, hand stroking Nick's shoulder gently. "Here. Kiss me, okay? Let them..." He broke off his own words with the kiss, taking Nick's mouth gently with his own. It was a sweet, gentle kiss, and Nick could still hear the quiet murmurs of two other voices, both sounding a little bewildered and shocked, and Joey finally broke off the kiss, raising his head. The smile on his face was the same one he gave to Nick when Nick was getting ready to freak out; it was his everything-will-be-okay smile.

"Guys," he said gently. "It's cool. It's all good, okay?"

"Right," said Howie faintly, hastily doing up his pants again and trying to pull his shirt over them. "Right." He looked like he wanted to bolt, but he didn't, taking a couple deep breaths then turning his head to give AJ a gentle, soothing kiss.

Nick did pull the blanket up again, out of discretion. His body and especially his hand were beginning to ache a little. "Joey?" he said softly, trying to adjust his IV into place again so it would stop pinching. "Joey ... baby ... I need you to get off ... "

"Okay, sorry..." Joey rolled carefully off of his body, curling around his side, back against the couch back, facing the pair in the chair. "Sorry," he repeated, touching Nick with careful, apologetic fingers as Nick readjusted the IV and breathed in relief. "God, I always forget about that thing. I shoulda been more careful."

AJ looked up from Howie's kiss, eyes still a little panicky, but he was smiling, looping his arms around Howie's waist and holding him close. "You..." he had to pause and clear his throat. "You okay, Nick?

"I'm fine," he said automatically, relaxing back into the bed and against Joey. "Joey, it wasn't you. It just tugs, like that, when I use my arms a lot." He was getting more and more aware of just what he'd done, just what they'd all heard and -- especially -- seen. But he tried not to show it, knowing that Howie and AJ were even more freaked than he was, and he needed to be strong and secure. For them. "Everyone okay?"

"Ah..." AJ blinked, seemed to take stock, then nodded, his smile easing to something more relaxed. "Sticky. A little wierded out, since yesterday I was swearing that Nicky doesn't have sex, and now I've *seen* it. But..." he tipped his face to Howie's shoulder. "Good. Generally pretty good. I think."

"No more using your arms, then," Joey murmured, holding him close and supporting his weight carefully. "I'm fine," he added, more loudly. "Messy, yeah, ain't it grand? I feel like we should draw straws, who should be volunteered to go get washcloths." His grin included AJ and Howie.

"I don't think anyone is getting up just yet," said Howie, still trying to cover himself ever though the all knew what had happened, had all seen it. "I'm okay, I can wait."

Nick wasn't sure *Howie* was okay, but at least they mostly were. "I was sticky anyway," he blurted out, then blushed when he remember they *didn't* all know that for sure.

AJ's hands slid over Howie's, covering them and the wet place between his legs. He nuzzled gently behind Howie's ear, whispering and kissing him there, ignoring Nick and Joey entirely, at least for the moment.

"Me too," Joey confessed, hands still touching Nick like he was fragile and precious. "I was sticky too. It's okay, you guys, it's not like...I mean, we're all friends. No need to freak out. Nobody here's gonna judge, or do anything but appreciate. You two are gorgeous together. Thank you for letting us see."

"We didn't really ... " began Howie, looking down, not meeting their eyes. "I mean. It just happened. it's okay, that it did, because ... you too. You know?"

"I know it just happened," murmured Nick. "I didn't ... i wouldn't ever plan something like this. You ... you *know* me." He tugged the blanket up higher, beginning to become more aware of his body again. "I wouldn't, if I was thinking about it. But it's okay."

"I know it just happened," Joey agreed gently. "But it was still amazing that y'all were comfortable enough with us to let it. I really...that's so great. It's completely okay." He stroked Nick's side, pushing the blanket down just a fraction, though it was still high on Nick's chest. "Not planned, no. But special. It's not anything to be embarrassed about."

"I'm not," AJ said, smiling, meeting Nick's eyes directly. He was still flushed, and he tugged Howie around until he was sitting across his lap, curled into the chair, no longer all spread out to their eyes. "You two are fuckin' scorching. Howie is too. It's just a thing, you know? Totally okay."

"totally okay," Howie echoed him, not sounding convinced yet. But he wasn't leaving, not physically and not mentally, and curled up comfortably in AJ's lap. "I'll get used to the idea. You guys were .... yeah. Nicky, you're so beautiful."

"Am not," said Nick right away, tugging the blanket up again. "Joey just makes me feel that way, the way he looks at me and touches me and ... you don't want to know about that. Sorry."

"Are too. Joey makes you feel that way because that's the way you are," Joey said, smiling at him and taking his hand, pushing the blanket gently but firmly down to where it had been, just at the top of Nick's ribcage. "So beautiful. You should be basking right now." He kissed the corner of Nick's mouth lightly. "Just let us appreciate you," he murmured.

AJ looked at Nick consideringly, his eyes a little too perceptive, but he didn't press the point. "Well, come on. We've all lived on buses with each other before. It's not like the *sounds* were unfamiliar. Now we just got a visual to go with 'em." He draped his arms comfortably around Howie's hips. "Nice visuals," he added, grinning a little.

Nick blushed furiously. "Yesterday you were insisting I wasn't having sex. This must've been at least a little shocking." *He* was still a little shocked about it. He'd pretty much had sex in front of them, let them see and hear him, everything. With a *guy*.

"It wasn't," said Howie softly. "I mean. To see it, yeah, a little. But ... we knew you were. You're an adult. And you're really sexy. Sexual."

"That was kind of a joke," AJ said, still grinning. "I mean. Damn, Nick. You *are* sexy. You're just our baby brother, too, kind of, so, you know, we gotta give you a little bit of a hard time. And your boyfriend ain't too shabby either. It wasn't that shocking, dude. I mean, we only got one little peek, all the important parts were pretty much covered. It wasn't like a porno or anything."

Joey stroked a thumb over his hot cheek. "I've got one sexy boyfriend," he agreed. "So does Howie, so do you, AJ. Now, okay, so I don't usually get it on in public, but no, I'm not shocked. Like I said, I think it was beautiful. And pretty hot."

"*Pretty much* covered?" said Nick. "I was covered up, right? I mean, you didn't see anything?" He whirled his head around to face Joey. "Joey, I didn't embarass myself, did I? I'm ... oh god, oh god."

"Nicky," said Howie softly. "You were beautiful. It wasn't embarassing."

"Nick," Joey said gently, smiling at him and cupping his cheek. "You didn't embarrass yourself, no matter what. There's no way you could. Just...don't. Believe me. Trust me, okay? You're so beautiful you make my heart hurt."

"It wasn't embarrassing," AJ said, frowning at him a little, concerned. "We didn't see hardly anything, an' even if we did, it wouldn't be a *bad* thing. Did you miss the part where it was really sexy?"

"Yeah, but ... " started Nick, but Howie shook his head at him and smiled gently.

"No, don't. How about this ... I don't get embarassed so you don't get embarassed. All right? Because Nicky ... it was okay. You were really beautiful and it wasn't dirty. It was really nice."

"But it was me," Nick insisted. "It was ... me."

"That's what makes it nice, an' not dirty," AJ explained carefully. "Well, one of the things. Nick, we've seen you naked your whole life, pretty much, an' there's nothing to be embarrassed about. You're a gorgeous man, and you were getting it on with your lover, and there's nothing wrong with that. Nothing to be ashamed of."

Joey just kissed him softly, and held him close, and didn't let him pull the blanket over his head and hide.

"But I'm still me," said Nick softly, tugging at the blanket in spite of the fact that it wasn't going anywhere. "I'm *me*. I'm nothing to look at. I love Joey and ... yeah, it felt beautiful, but ... I'm still me."

"Don't make me go get the collector's books Joey's ma said she had," AJ threatened. "You're a gorgeous thing. You're a fantasy for millions, an' Joey can barely look away from you. Even if you don't think you're hot, at least accept that other people do." He cuddled Howie closer, eyes never leaving Nick. "You're beautiful, swear."

"I don't care about millions of people," said Nick. "It matters what you think. It matters how Joey sees me. But it matters more how *I* see me. I can accept it without believing it, you know. I accept that mayb eyou think I'm hot but ... I know I'm not. You're just wrong." "Oh Nick," said Howie gently. "I don't think we're the ones who are wrong."

"Three to one, Nick," AJ murmured. "An' I'm not gonna ask the standard questions, like do you think we're blind and stupid or have horrible taste, because I know you won't say yes. Given that we're not, how could we be wrong? I think we're right. I'm pretty damn sure we're right, actually. Positive. Which means you're not seeing things right."

"We wouldn't lie to you, baby," Joey said softly. "You're beautiful to us, me, because I love you, but you're just plain beautiful anyway."

Nick nodded even though he didn't believe them. He believed that they saw that in him, but he also believe that they would exaggerate, if they thought it would make him feel better. They were his friends, they wouldn't want to hurt his feelings, they would lie to him to protect him from the truth. Even AJ would do that, if he thought Nick needed it enough, which he must.

"Nick," said Howie softly, obviously watching him. "We'll talk about it later, okay? Or ... or not."

Joey sighed, a little sadly, and kissed Nick one more time before squirming till he sat up, blanket carefully placed. "We can talk about it later," he said, nodding, stretching his arms over his head before scratching his soft bare belly and looking around the room. "Okay, boys, I'm...we need to get cleaned up. And dressed. And then maybe I can make us some quesadillas and we can chill and watch a movie or something?" He smiled at AJ and Howie, even as he took Nick's hand carefully. "And we'll see where the conversation goes. Now scoot, so I can kiss my gorgeous boyfriend the way I wanna without making y'all embarrassed about your lack of skills."

AJ snickered at him, and kissed Howie, removing his arms. "Yeah. I could use a change of pants, here, myself. This ain't comfortable."

"Can't be," murmured Nick, watching them while trying to look like he wasn't watching them. They got to their feet, and kissed softly for a moment like they'd forgotten Joey and Nick were there. That seemed to happen a lot.

"Nick, we'll talk later," said Howie again, though, a moment later. "Please, take care of yourself. And let Joey take care of you. We love you, okay?"

"Okay," said Nick, squeezing Joey's hand. "I'll ... we'll see you soon."

"We ain't going off to war," AJ grumbled, herding Howie to the door with his body, never letting them get more than a hairsbreadth apart. "We'll be back after we shower. And change. Joey, we got some shit to add to your laundry pile, okay?" Joey stared at the door that slammed behind AJ in disbelief, then looked down at Nick. "He thinks I'm washing his nasty used underwear in with your jammies, he's nuts. He can do his own damn laundry." He reached out, and before Nick could stop him, lifted the blanket entirely away. "There. Now I can see how gorgeous you are."

"Joey, don't," said Nick, grasping for the blanket that was already out of his reach. "Please? I can't ... don't look at me, okay?" He crossed his arm over his body, but it didn't cover much. "It was better, under the blanket. I could feel beautiful there. I didn't have to see ... "

"You're beautiful now," Joey insisted, scooping him carefully into his lap, not letting him curl up and hide. "I love looking at you, it makes me happy. Please don't tell me to stop. Just...relax. Be naked with me for a little while, it's a good thing. All-natural Nick and Joey, and this way I get to plan out my kiss-every-inch-of-Nick scheme."

"And ... we did that ... and they were here," he murmured. "And ... and it was nice, Joey. That was reallly nice and great and ... it wasn't too weird, was it? It wasn't bad?" He tried to cover himself again, but Joey wouldn't let him. "You're beautiful. *You* are beautiful."

"It wasn't bad or weird," Joey assured him, holding his hands away from his body, eyes drifting down Nick's chest. "It was good. It was special, you know? Means they trust us, love you, a lot. They think we're hot, a turn on for them, and they let that out, that's pretty amazing." He looked up to Nick's eyes with a smile. "Thank you. I'm glad you think I'm beautiful. You're pretty much the prettiest thing I've ever seen, and if I thought that and you weren't at least a little attracted, then where would I be?" He raised Nick's hand to his mouth, and placed a kiss in the center of his palm.

Nick bit his lip for a moment, the kiss and Joey's words feeling so nice, so soothing. "It *was* pretty amazing," he had to admit finally, remembering what it had felt like when it was happening. How much he hadn't wanted it to stop. "I just ... I guess I don't really understand what they see, when they look at me. I look weird and wrong. What we *did* ... that was beautitul. But not me, Joey."

"You only look wierd and wrong in your own eyes, I think," Joey said slowly, like he was thinking it out. "Like, to me, you look too thin, dangerously thin, but still so so beautiful. You're an amazing looking person no matter what weight you're at, you realize that, right? You've got a gorgeous body, it's strong and big and put together well. And your face, you're just...wow. They're seeing that, just like I am. What we did was beautiful, but you are too. I'm not lying."

"Real people don't usually think I'm beautiful," he said quietly, making a token reach for the blanket again. "Real people find the things that are wrong with me. Like my mom, and like management, and anyone who really knows me. Maybe you haven't known me long enough yet, maybe you haven't seen enough of me to know the truth yet." Except that Joey had probably seen *more* of him than anyone else, at this point. It didn't make sense.

Joey batted his hand away gently, then smoothed his palm down Nick's side to his hip. "AJ and Howie have known you your whole life," he pointed out. "Longer than your management. They're real people, I'm real people. My family is real people. We're realer than your management, and we see more clearly than your mom, we see how beautiful you are. Baby, people who really know you...we're completely captivated. Those people that see things wrong with you? They're pretty messed up. Not only do they not see you as you are, they're comparing you to some standard that isn't even attractive. So you need to stop listening to them, and start listening to us."

"I just want to feel good again," he said, forcing himself to look at his body a little. "I want to feel good inside my body again. I want to stop feeling so weak and so wrong and so out of control of everything. I can't even ... you dont' even know. What it feels like, to be inside here. I can't even tell you. Joey ... I *want* to believe you. I really do. I don't know why it's so hard."

"You've had people telling you wrong things for a long time, that's why it's hard. People you trust, and it's gonna take a while to change that. Baby, you're gonna be strong again. You need to eat, and rest, and treat your body right, and and you'll feel good again, inside and out." He scratched at Nick's belly with his fingertips, drawing Nick's eyes down. "Start by looking at yourself. Touching yourself. You've been treating your body like it's something you hate, no wonder it's rebelling. Try just a little bit, taking it back for yourself, something that's a part of you that you can love as much as I do."

"I don't need to love my body," said Nick instantly, reaching out to stroke down Joey's chest and over his belly. He made sure he didn't have a free hand to touch himself; Joey could do that, if he wanted. "I can love yours. You look so good. You feel so good. I really like touching you like this. I spend a long time not believing it could be this good, that I could like it this much, but it is and I do."

"I really like it when you touch me like this too. You should do that a lot." Joey smiled at him and kissed him lightly, before taking his hand firmly and placing it back on his own stomach, covered still by Joey's palm. "You can love mine *and* yours. I love yours a lot, but it needs some love from you, too. Remember how you were touching yourself before, and realized it felt good? If you really want to feel good inside your body, you're gonna have to learn to love it again. Just...get reaquainted with it."

"It's not even me anymore," he said, resisting. "Joey, it's just not. I don't think. I don't even know what me *is* anymore, but I'm pretty sure this isn't it. I'm all flat and angles and ... is this what's supposed to look good? This is what they spent so much time trying to get me to be. I don't see why. *I* don't like it much. My body's stupid. Stupid and weak and useless and ... let's not do this, Joey ... "

"It is you," Joey said, not letting him pull away, but not restraining him really. "You're too thin, you know that. But until you start loving this...the you that people can see, no matter what, you're not gonna be happy. It's good you don't like this much, it's not healthy for you. But it's still your body, and you should at least say hello to it. It's a big part of you, you need to be friends with it. And it's beautiful no matter what, and it's not stupid, Nick." He pressed his lips to Nick's shoulder, just a short calm kiss.

Nick snorted and said "Hello, body," aloud, forcing himself to look at it, and at the way it was being touched. "It *is* stupid. It still can't get through five minutes without wanting a drink. And it can't keep food in if I'm not drugged up. And it doesn't look right and it doesn't feel right. That's so stupid and I'm so tired of it. I know it's my body but I wish it wasn't."

"It's gonna start looking right and feeling right, very soon," Joey said firmly, smiling at him proudly. "It's not stupid, it's just a little sick right now. I'm glad it's your body, because I love you, and it's a very nice part of you. The drugs'll stop once your stomach's used to having food again. I mean...a whole waffle, this morning! The doctor's gonna be thrilled, I bet."

"It's pretty stupid," insisted Nick, but the look on Joey's face made *him* smile a little, too. "I did finish it," he agreed a moment later. "All by myself, no one made me. And it was pretty good, too. I just ... I feel stupid, that *that's* the kind of thing I'm proud of now. Eating a waffle. Like that's some big accomplishment."

"It is a big accomplishment, when you haven't eaten anything in days," Joey protested. "Just...try to be happy about it. Don't feel stupid about being proud of what you've done. If it was hard for you, and you did it, than you should be proud no matter what you do." He sat up a little straighter, shifting Nick off his lap. "Now, we gotta get cleaned up, before those guys come back. I think they've seen enough of us naked for one day."

"Yeah, we need to get dressed," agreed Nick quickly. "What do I have left to wear? Anything? I know you haven't had a chance to do laundry yet ... " He stopped when he saw the way Joey was looking at him, and pulled his knees up to his chest now that he could. "You can get a cloth if you want. For us to get cleaned up. I can wait, for clothes."

"Maybe I should just withhold the clothes," Joey mused, tugging at Nick's knees until he uncurled a little. "Keep you naked all the time, until it's just as easy as being dressed. I'm gonna go get a cloth, and wash up just a little, and I'll be back. No hiding, Nick. Try just...relaxing a little. Enjoy not having clothes on, it's warm and comfortable in here." He took Nick's hand and put it on his own hip, patting it before climbing over Nick and tugging on boxers. "Say hi," he reminded him, smiling.

"Joey," said Nick with a sigh, but Joey was already leaving so he was forced to enjoy his own company for at least a couple minutes. It took a lot of effort to resist reaching for the blanket now that he could and covering himself with it. It wasn't just the physical part of it; he just really didn't want to have to see himself at all. The one thing overriding that was that he wanted to make Joey happy, and he trusted him. And Joey thought this would be a good idea.

He had to close his eyes as he stretched out again and lay back on the bed, not just so he wouldn't see what he was doing but so he wouldn't get distracted by anything or anyone else, too. He touched his neck first, just with his fingertips, and even that felt thin. And the skin felt a bit dry. He ran his fingers over his chest, not lingering, and finally let them rest on his stomach. The swell was gone now and he had to admit he was relieved to feel that.

The house was making small shifting sounds around him, and he realized he hadn't really been alone in days. His skin was soft, he had to admit, he'd always liked that. He touched a rib with a careful finger, surprised again by how close it was to the surface, how sharp it felt.

"Don't stop." Joey's soft voice didn't really startle him, he'd heard the door creak a little. "I'm just getting some things together. Here." He hadn't opened his eyes, but the warm wet cloth settled gently on his belly. "You do it. It feels nice."

Nick let it rest there for a moment, biting his lip, then set his own hand on top of it. He couldn't do a very good job without looking, but he could try. He would just have to touch himself everywhere with it, to make sure. It wasn't something he thought would feel really nice, but Joey wanted him to and he was trying, really trying, to do the things he wasn't sure of when other people thought they were good. He wasn't doing perfect at it, but he was trying.

So he ran the cloth over his stomach over and over again before moving further down, getting the creases of his legs and in between.

The washcloth was warm and wet, and did feel okay, though his skin was goosebumped where he'd already washed. The light rasp felt nice between his legs, and as the air cooled him, his skin tightened pleasurably.

"See?" Joey's voice was smiling as he lingered there. "Nice. Sometime you'll have to touch yourself for real, there, and let me watch. I bet it would be gorgeous to see. An' what better way to get your body back on your side? I'm not the only person who can touch you and make you feel good. You can too."

"Let's not go too fast, huh?" he said, opening his eyes but to look at Joey, not at himself. He let the cloth rest where he'd last been touching. "I mean ... I know you have the best intentions, Joey, but ... " Joey didn't understand. *Couldn't* understand, what this was like for him. Joey'd had a wonderful life, Joey didn't have any problems, Joey had always been loved and perfect and never had to feel bad a day in his life. "It feels okay. And I'm clean now."

"Okay." Joey took the cloth from him, stroking his hip gently before handing him clean boxers. "When was the last time you did that, anyway? Not that you have to tell me, but Nicky...you barely even touch yourself to get clean, in the shower. You've gotta start doing that more. No wonder you feel uncomfortable in your body, that you didn't see yourself getting so thin. I'm not surprised at all." He crouched down and rubbed his face low on Nick's belly, kissing it lightly and playfully. "I'm very fond of it, your body."

"Well, at least one of us is," he said, trying to sound light. He lifted the cloth up off his body and dropped it on Joey's head. "I don't know when the last time was, to be honest. Before. That's about all I can tell you. I didn't much need to. Didn't have to pay attention when I was. I don't think it's really important anyway. Do you have clothes for me now?"

"Yeah," Joey sighed a little, and reached down for the sweatpants and t-shirt by his foot. "All your PJs are dirty, but they'll be clean in a bit. Till then, the next best thing." He dropped the clothes on Nick, standing and taking the cloth off his head and away. "You want anything, baby? Water, juice, anything?"

"You mad at me?" asked Nick, instead of answering him. He didn't want anything anyway, but he didn't think that was ther right answer. "I'm sorry, if you are. I'm just being me. I know that's not always a good thing ... " But he knew Joey didn't want to hear *that*, either. "I should pick out a movie for us to watch. For when Howie and AJ come back. 'Cause I don't think they're gonna be long. And the doctor, too, he's coming, right?"

"I'm not mad at you," Joey said instantly, shaking his head. "I'm not. I just don't think I'm helping, here, so I figured it might be a good thing to just think about something else." He pulled on sweatpants of his own, a little too tight around his hips, and settled back onto the couch. "You should pick out a movie. The doc's coming, he'll poke you for a little while and then go, and we're on our own all day. I think that would be good, and then we can make AJ play that guitar he brought you. Can he play guitar?"

"He can play," said Nick quietly, fiddling with the clothes on his lap. Staring at them instead of at his body. "He's pretty good. I ... I love you, Joey. Don't forget that, okay? I just don't know what you want from me. I don't know how to do this."

"I love you too, Nick." Joey stroked his hair out of his face, gently. "I just want you to be happy and healthy, that's all. I'm trying to help, but I don't really know how. I'm just saying anything that comes to mind that might help, things you can do that might work. You've gotta want it too, you know? You've got to believe that things can get better, that you can be happy. You can, you know. I've seen you happy. We've just gotta figure out a way to make those times last longer."

"I know you're doing everything you can," he said, picking up the t-shirt and looking at it. It was gonna be huge on him, he realized. "I don't know what's gonna work either. And I don't know how to figure out what's gonna work. I just know that I don't like the way I feel. I want it to change. I want to start feeling good again, Joey."

"I guess, trial and error, mostly. And when you start seeing someone back home, I bet they can help with that, too. Figuring out what'll be best for you, I mean, how you can approach it best." Joey stood again, straightening up some of the mess they'd made, crumpling wrapping paper from Nick's presents into a ball and lobbing it into the trash. "First, though, I think you should do what you want, what you think will make you smile, even if just for a little while. So, you get to pick the movie." He smiled at Nick, bright and open and hopeful.

Nick smiled back, shakily. "Joey," he said quietly as he set the T-shirt aside. He couldn't put it on without some help anyway. "Why do you think I'm worth it? I know you think that's a stupid question, and I know you think the answer's obvious, but it's still so hard for me to understand. I'm not gonna run away this time, I just need to know. I need you to try and tell me."

Joey kept smiling, but sat down by his side again, taking his hand and smoothing his fingers over the palm. "I can't just point at one thing and say hey, that's why I love Nick. It's a whole bunch of little things, like the way your eyes get all big right before you smile, and the way you can tell stories to kids, and the way you keep rolling with the punches. Your sense of humor, your talented hands and voice. The way you love your boys and your job, even through everything, and that you still defend your mom even though she...well, you know. You're just the guy I love, is all. It's really hard to say."

"Thank you for trying," said Nick. He didn't feel any closer to understanding, but Joey obviously meant it. He always obviously meant it. If there was one thing Nick had learned about him in the time that they'd been together, it was that he was always, always honest about how he felt -- about him and about everyone. And he seemed seriously, seriously devoted to Nick. "You're so good to me. I don't want you to think I don't appreciate it, even when I'm ... you know, being me."

"But that's not really just 'being you,' you can't just excuse it like that, write it off like it's something that can't change." Joey's voice picked up a little urgency, and he sat forward. "If you think that, it won't change. You're this bright vibrant amazing person, Nick, and that shines through even when you're down. Those times, when you're in the hole...that's not you, or at least, nowhere near all of you. It's a little unhappy part of you that has a really loud voice, is all, and we need to get rid of that part, so the *real* you can be around, all the time. Happy healthy Nick."

"You're big on the 'happy healthy Nick' thing, huh?" he said, smiling shyly and looking up at him for real. "You know how much hard work that's gonna be, right? You know I'm not just gonna wake up one day and be happy healthy Nick? I just ... I don't want to disappoint you, Joey. And I'm scared I am, all the time."

"I know. Don't be scared, I'll never be disappointed in you, I know how hard you're trying, how much all this is, coming down all at once." Joey kept stroking his hand. "I love happy healthy Nick already, just from the little bits I've seen of him. He's worth all the hard work, just because when you smile like you mean it it's like the sun coming up." He snorted a little. "And I'm clearly channeling JC's sappiest side here. But I love you, so of course I wanna see you happy all the time. That's what love is."

"I wanna see *you* happy too," said Nick, needing Joey to understand that. "And i hate when I do things that make you not happy. I had when *anyone* does things that make you not happy, but mostly when I do. Because I should be able to help that and make it better and *not* make you not happy and I just ... can't. I don't know how."

"It makes me happy when you're happy," Joey said simply. "Real honest happy, not faking it happy to make me think you're okay. Being with you makes me happy always, even the hard things. Getting to help you makes me happy. But you never make me unhappy, really, just worried and sometimes a little heartbroken and sad, but that's for you, not for me. So anything that makes you happy--bar cheating on me with Howie or something like that, you know--is good for me, too."

"I don't want anyone else," he said firmly. "I can't even imagine it, Joey. I know that sounds like a line, but ... after everything we've been through? Everything you've done for me? I can't imagine ever wanting to be with anyone else, ever again. Even when I'm upset and nasty and confused and everything, I love you lots. I'm just not real good at showing it yet, I think."

"You show it pretty well," Joey assured him, smiling. "I know you love me, even when you're not. It's always good to hear it, though." He touched Nick's mouth, then stood again, shaking out the sweatpants and handing them to Nick. "Now cover up all that lovely skin, before those horny guys you sing with come back here and start drooling on you again." He grinned.

"Oh, they were not," said Nick, blushing and carefully pulling the sweatpants on. He gave up on the tee shirt; he'd have to do without and just get used to people being able to see him. Joey would probably be proud of him for that. "When is the doctor coming? I don't think I'm gonna relax until he's done with me."

"They were SO," Joey laughed, straightening the blankets and sheets as much as he could around Nick's body. "You looked like an angel. A very sexy angel. AJ barely looked away from you." He tucked the blanket back over Nick. "He's coming real soon, around 11, but it's not a big thing. He's just gonna check up on you, make sure you're still doing good. And you have lots of good things to tell him."

"He'll probably get mad at me for being out of bed," said Nick sheepishly. "But hopefully the waffle will balance that out. I didn't even really realize I was eating it, you know? It just tasted good. That's good, right? That I felt like that? It doesn't mean I'm gonna start overeating, does it?"

"I don't think it's actually possible for you to overeat right now," Joey commented, slipping into a t-shirt. "I don't mean physically, either...you could sit in McDonalds and eat all day, and your body would just soak it up. It's great that you just ate it like that, that it was easy and normal and tasted good, that's perfect, that's what we want. He's gonna be thrilled. And he'll probably try to talk you into doing it again."

"But I can't get in that habit ever again," said Nick. "I don't want things to go down *that* easy. I don't want to gain *too* much. Just enough that I'm not so pointy anymore. Right? I'll have to be really, really careful about that."

"No." Joey said simply. "You don't. You need to eat healthy, yeah, eat the right things, and exercise, sure. But you shouldn't be thinking about gaining just enough weight to not be pointy. That's still not healthy for you, and it's not something you should be careful about at all. You should gain till you're back where you should be, and wherever that is for you to be healthy...that's it."

Nick shook his head but didn't argue aloud. Joey didn't understand yet, but he might later. Nick didn't need to gain *that* much weight. Just enough to look good again, to not be sick. Not so much that people would start to harass him about it. He might as well have some good come out of this whole thing, after all. "I'll gain enough," was all he said. He thought those words probably meant different things to the two of them.

"You will," Joey said, and it came out sounding like a promise. "Enough so when I bring you to see Dr. Morrison, he says you're healthy and fit again. No, don't shake your head. I can see that little brain of yours ticking away in there. I'm gonna throw out all my scales the minute we get back to Orlando, an' yours too, and then kiss every pound you gain till you're eating more just to find out where's next." He kissed the tip of Nick's nose. "I won't let you starve anymore, not if I have anything to say about it."

"Joey ... " he said, weakly protesting. "Besides. I don't even know if I own a scale. I had no idea what I was gonna weigh, when we got here. I didn't know I was underweight. I didn't know I hadn't been eating." He paused when he said that, then sighed. "Okay, maybe I knew I hadn't been eating right, but I didn't know what it was doing to me. That's the truth. Really, though, you don't *want* me to gain all of it back. You know what I looked like before. Let's just look at this as ... as a pleasant side-effect, of everything that's going on."

"I know what you looked like before," Joey agreed. "Gorgeous and glowing and healthy. I want you to gain back every single pound." Nick could hear sincerity in every word. "It's not a pleasant side effect, it's scary, it's not healthy. We'll get rid of the scales, even though you don't check 'em, and get lots of good healthy food. An' I'll keep you so busy, you won't have time to think about what size your pants are."

"Joey," he said again, because he just didn't understand, not at all. "I'm not ... sometimes I'm really not strong. I can't take that kind of criticism really well, is all. It would be easier, if I stayed pretty skinny. Not like *this* skinny, but ... " The look on Joey's face told him everything. "You're really not gonna let me, are you. You really just want me how I was."

"I really do," Joey said softly, nodding. "I swear. I think you were even more gorgeous like that. And you were healthy and strong, and like I said, you had that glow...you won't have to take that kind of criticism, not when I'm around. And every time you come home, I can tell you how beautiful you are, and I'll make you believe me, somehow."

"That's gonna be a really hard thing too," Nick warned him. "Just like everything else. There are a lot of people who are gonna have a different opinion than you. And it doesn't matter how good or how healthy I feel, it's all about how I look. You know what the business is like, Joey. I won't say that's what got me here, but ... " It kind of was. He just wasn't going to put the responsibility for it on anything else, not anymore.

"...it's part of it," Joey finished for him, nodding. "I know, I do understand what this business is like. But those people...like you said, it doesn't matter what they think. You've gotta focus on the good things people say, an' it's hard, but you can do it. Block out the hurtful things, and know they're not true, and come back and let me tell you how wonderful you are. Cause you know I'll never lie to you."

"You'll never lie, but that doesn't mean you'll never be wrong," he said carefully. "But I'll try, Joey, you know I'll try. I'm trying to do everything right, now. I just don't think. Well ... let's just let me gain ten pounds first and see how we feel about that, okay? When I get there, you might agree with me that that's enough. You might think I'm more attractive like that."

"Nick..." Joey sighed and shook his head. "You lost almost sixty. How 'bout we don't worry about ten pounds or twenty pounds or thirty, and just feed your body what it needs and let it find its happy weight, okay? And if you're really that worried about it, how you look, we can swim, an' you can hit the gym with Jus-AJ, and you can do lots of things that are healthier for you than thinking about pounds and ounces. I'll think you're attractive no matter what."

"Baby steps," he reminded him. "I just need to ... okay, I'm gonna trust you on this, okay Joey? Because I have so much else to think about and I'm just gonna ... I'm gonna trust you. To feed me right and help my body get healthy and not too big again. I'm gonna try not to worry about it. I'm gonna try." He ran his hand down over his ribs and stomach and trying to attach that feeling to the idea that he needed to gain weight. To not see it as a good thing.

"Okay. You can trust me with that." Joey nodded, absolutely serious. "I can do that job. If there's one thing I'm good at, it's food. I think it's my mom's fault, she feeds people, like, compulsively." He nudged Nick's side, smiling again. "Baby steps for sure. Your baby steps have already come a pretty far way, remember. Just keep making 'em, and before you know it, you'll be there."

"I don't even know where I'm going," he admitted. "I don't even know where these steps are taking me, most of the time. Just to this vague "well" place. But there's so much stuff to fix, I don't even know what I'm making well." He left his hand on his stomach, forced himself to. "Don't let me eat a lot to replace drinking, okay? That's ... that's the kind of thing I'd probably do."

"I'll make sure you eat *right*," Joey clarified, still smiling at him. "Eating a lot is what we're shooting for, remember? As long as you're doing it healthy, it can only help." He glanced at Nick's hand and kept smiling. "I think 'well', in my head, is...you back up in weight near where you were. Not drinking. Living with me and Bree. Believing me when I say I love you, when people tell you how beautiful you are. Happy. That sounds pretty good, to me. And you're working on all those, right now."

"I believe you when you say you love me," said Nick, giving him a smile. "I guess that's a step in the right direction." He paused and bit his lip. "AJ kinda weirded out a little, about the living together thing, huh? I just ... I know how I feel about it. I know what I want and what I think would make me happy. And that matters, right? It matters more how I feel than what other people think."

"It does," Joey agreed, grinning at him. "I dunno if he was weirded out as much as surprised, maybe, I think it took him a little off-guard. He just wanted to make sure you were doing the best thing for you. He worries about you a lot, you know, even when he's bein' a smartass pain. But even him...he knows that you've gotta do what you think will make you happy."

"I don't know if he trusts me to make those kinds of decisions, though," said Nick. "It doesn't seem like he does. And I can't even blame him for that ... lately my idea of what will make me happy has been a bottle of vodka. I have a long way to go before I'm anywhere near the being well that you think I can be. Before people are gonna trust me to take care of myself again."

"They're gonna be keeping an eye on you for a while," Joey agreed. "Hell, we still have the habit of keeping Justin in our sight at industry functions. But once it's been a while, it'll ease up. In the meantime...you gotta just keep reminding yourself that they're doing it because they care about you an' want you to be happy. It's not even so much a trust thing as a worry thing." He kissed Nick's palm. "Just keep hanging in there. Best way you can show them is to just keep getting better."

"Not just the best way, the only way, I think," he said, sighing softly. He'd brought this on himself, he had to live with the consequences now. "I'm doing what I can. I do know what I want to do, what I think I want in my life. Even if I can't do it right away, it's something to work for. Like living with you ... I know that's what I want. And I'm willing to work to have it, if that's what I have to do."

"Well, I dunno that it'll be all THAT much work," Joey said, grinning and nudging him a little. "I mean, we do have enough money to hire movers, and everything. I plan to sit in a lawn chair and watch other people carry all your shit." He sobered a bit, though he was still smiling. "I'm glad that's what you want to do, and you're willing to go through whatever to do it. I don't think it'll be that bad, but even if it is...I want you there too. And I'll help, however I can."

"I meant, work to earn it," said Nick quietly. "I don't know if I've done that yet. I think maybe that's what I need to do, to assure AJ and ... and probably everyone, I guess, that this is something I should be doing. It's a really good thing and I want it so much and it probably shouldn't come easily to me." Then again, there was so much else that he needed to be working on, and so much more than *that* that other people thought he should be working on on top of that. Maybe something *should* come easy.

"I don't see why not," Joey shrugged, tugging him a bit closer. "I mean, some good things do come easy. And remember, love's not something you gotta earn. I don't want you to be thinner or smarter or taller or want you to do anything for me but love me and try to be happy. That's it. You don't have to earn it, I love you no matter what." He smiled. "And living with me...it's not such a wonderful thing. Remember, dogs and babies and bandmembers, around, all the time, making a total nuisance of themselves. And it's a mess. But it's home."

"It sounds perfect," said Nick. He gave up on getting to his feet and just rested back again. Whoever came in would just see them as they were. "No really, it does. Because that's just ... it's so much love, you know? All these people in your life and there's just so much love there I'm not gonna know what to do with it all. I already don't, just being here with you and your family. And AJ and Howie, too, which is ... a bit of a surprise, kinda. I guess I missed a lot, for a long time."

"Well, there's no doubting that love," Joey said comfortably, settling Nick against his shoulder. "I mean, you can see it, how much they love you. And they're here for you *here*, so you can't doubt they'll be there for you *there*, you know? I should probably give them keys, just like my boys, so they can drop by whenever." He chuckled, rubbing his eyes. "I don't know, man, there's a lot of love in my house, sure, and there's a lot of noise, too. Justin shrieking up the stairs that we're out of eggs, JC playing the piano, Chris chasing the dogs around, Bree...being a baby. Might be a little overwhelming. Just warning you."

"I think I can handle that kind of overwhelming," he said, feeling that love begin to seep into him already. "It's a good kind of overwhelming. And when I can't -- " What *was* he going to do when he couldn't handle things anymore? His old ways to cope weren't an option, he wouldn't let them be. "When I can't I guess there's always somewhere I can go off to on my own, right? Oh, unless ... the baby. I can't hide from the baby. I won't."

"Sweetheart, everyone needs to hide from the baby sometimes," Joey said, voice rich with humor. "That's when I pass her off to her Uncle Justin or her Uncle JC and run. But it's a huge honkin' house, there's always someplace quiet. We'll make you a room. Nick's room, with your paints and books and comfy couches and a nice stereo and tv, where you can go whenever you want and nobody can come in unless you say. And...you can keep your place, too, you know. I won't say 'just in case,' but...it's nice to have space of your own, too, sometimes."

"I don't know," said Nick honestly. "About my house ... I don't know yet, if I want to keep it or not. There are things I love about it, but there are things I want to forget about it, too. Things that happened in it that I want to forget. Maybe it would be a good thing for me to have some place to start over, so I'll be less tempted to go back to what I was doing before. To who I *was* before. Maybe it's exactly what I need, to be somewhere new now. It seems to be working right now, after all. Kinda."

"Well, you should keep *some* kind of residence," Joey said honestly. "I mean, just for publicity reasons. And like I said, it's a good thing, to have your own place to go. But maybe someplace different. You could get an apartment, or a new house. I mean, eventually. I...what are we doing when we get back, anyway? Are you coming home with me, or are you going back to your place, or...did we ever figure that out? I mean. I'd love to have you with me. It'd definitely be somewhere new, and it does kinda have the same vibe as here, if you think it's working. It's a Fatone house, after all."

"I don't want to be somewhere you're not," said Nick decisively. He needed to be the one to choose this right now, to decide what direction his life was going to take. "Whether that means we're going back to my place for a while, or straight to yours, I want to be where you are. I think ... I can probably buy a condo or something. By the ocean. That would be enough, if I'm never going to live there. A lot of the stuff I own doesn't mean much to me, it's just there to fill space. I don't need a house I'm never going to use. And I'm sure ... you want to keep your place, right? You like your place, you won't want to relocate your daughter. So your place, I guess."

"See, if you get a condo by the ocean, we can go there to get away from my place when it gets packed," Joey said, grinning. "It can be our vaction place by the water. And you can put stuff you like there, make it yours, get something kinda small and nice and personal. That way, it's yours, not just something you're gonna be paying taxes on, you know?" He kissed Nick's ear. "And you're welcome to come home with me. I want you where I am, too. I'm gonna be going straight home, I have Bree starting this weekend, remember. Gotta get the place ready, kick out all the freeloading cousins and probably Kirkpatrick. But yeah, we can go straight to my place. Whatever you like."

"It's what I need," said Nick. "One of these days, yeah, I'm gonna want to spend time alone. I'm probably gonna want my house, or my condo if I already have it by then, or I could just borrow a place. But right now, I need to not be alone with all this shit going on with me." He closed his eyes and thought about what it was going to be like when they were back. *Really* like, not fantasy like. "I can't handle it. I can handle a bunch of bandmates and a pile of family and even your beautiful baby, but I can't handle dealing with my stuff alone right now."

"You won't have to," Joey promised. "Believe me, that'll be the least of your worries. Even though I'll try to keep the mayhem to a minimum, since right now your sleep is very important to me." He hummed a little, contemplating. "Maybe I'll boot everyone out for the first week, anyway. Just till you and Brianna get to know each other, till you're comfortable. I mean, the guys'll still probably run in and out, but I can get rid of the family. They're mostly just there for the movie theater anyway, and they've all got their own houses to go live in. That'll reduce the stress level, and you won't have to deal with *quite* as much."

"You don't have to change your life for me," insisted Nick, even though he knew that was an impossible thing now. Both of their lives were already changing, and they couldn't go back. And really, it would be a lot easier, if he just had a few new people to deal with, rather than a lot. Brianna he was sure he was going to adore, and he already got along with Lance and JC. Justin...might be a little more difficult, but still so much easier than being alone. "I just want to be there with you. I don't want to have to justify it to anyone."

"You won't, I mean, not to anyone there," Joey said. "Anyone who's there who isn't me or Brianna has no business asking you to justify your presence anyway, and they won't. Everyone knows we're dating anyway. But changing my life...baby, it's not like that, not really. Kicking out a couple stray cousins isn't a big deal, it'll actually be good. Give me a chance to figure out what's broken in the place, get it fixed, get it the way I like it again. I don't mind people staying there when I'm out on tour, but when I get back I usually clean the place out anyway." He tickled the back of Nick's neck with gentle fingers. "You're much better company anyway."

"Since I'm pretty sure you're not sleeping with your cousins, I don't doubt that," said Nick with a little smile. "People will start asking, though, if I'm staying there. All sorts of people. I'm not looking forward to justifying what I'm doing to people who have no right to know." He wasn't sure if he was ready to do that at all; it was probably something he should leave for Joey to worry about. "I *am* changing your life. I guess just not in that way. You're probably gonna have to give AJ free access to me, though, or he'll just break in. You know he'll do it."

"Yeah, an' then the alarm system will go, and the cops'll come, and he'll end up calling *me* for bail, and he'll have a B&E on his record," Joey snickered. "I'll give him a key. Howie too, and Brian and Kevin. I don't want 'em to get the idea that I'm stealing you, or anything, trying to take you away or cut off access. But I wouldn't worry about justifying yourself. I mean, you don't have to, you know. If it's not someone's business, then you don't have to tell 'em a thing. Who would be asking, anyway? That doesn't already know about us?"

"Everyone who always asks about our lives. Press. Whatever. Sooner or later, someone's gonna ask. But I don't even .... I don't want to care. I'm not going to care. It's not going to happen tomorrow or anything, and I've got other stuff going on." He couldn't imagine Brian or Kevin ever using their keys, but Joey was right that they might like to have them just to feel secure. Though Kevin might use his to come in and give Nick a good hard smack for getting into the trouble he had. Maybe he ought to ask Joey to hold off on that key for a couple weeks, until things calmed down a little more on that front.

"Someone will probably ask eventually, but man, I'm telling you...when it gets down to the nitty gritty like that, the people just don't want to know." Joey stretched comfortably, crossing his bare feet at the ankles, warm all down Nick's side. "I once blew a guy who turned out to be a reporter for Newsweek. Not a peep, though I like to think my skills wowed him enough that he was feeling nice. The press doesn't want to publish a story that's gonna piss people off, the people don't wanna read it, we're actually pretty safe. I wouldn't worry about it too much, is what I'm saying. Just concentrate on the other things you've got."

"I'm not going to think about it," said Nick again, determined to do just that. As much as he could, anyway. "Did you really blow a guy from Newsweek? No, no, wait, nevermind. I don't want to know." He curled closer to Joey's body again, reassuring himself that he was there and he wasn't going anywhere. "So that's what we're going to do then. That's what *we* want to do. And screw everyone else."

"Exactly," Joey said happily, letting him cuddle in. "See, that's the spirit, right there. Only way to live, baby. And it's amazingly stress-free, especially once you realize that you don't really have to justify yourself to anyone you don't want to, and that most people will be pretty okay with what you want to do, as long as it doesn't actively hurt them. An' we're not hurting anybody. It'll be good. Plus, if that guy from Newsweek didn't talk, nobody will."

"Maybe you should get me some baby books or something, while I'm all trapped in bed here for a couple days. I'd say baby movies, but I don't want to, like, traumatize Howie and AJ or something." Not that he didn't already have enough things to do, but the baby ... that needed more attention. Maybe it would even keep his mind off other things. Nothing else seemed to have succeeded at that yet. Though painting probably would, when he gave it a shot. "I just want to do this. I just want to be with you. We pay people to worry for us. Right?"

"Sure do. I bet we don't pay 'em enough, either." Joey grinned down at him, stroking his arm. "I've got a whole roomful of baby books at home, not that they're doing you any good there. Kelly and JC and my mom bought 'em for me, but I never read 'em. I started one and it made me mad so I stopped. I really think you don't need to do anything but be your sweet self. Babies are easy. You're going to be so good with her, I just know it. As long as you love her, you'll do everything right. Not that I'd say no to traumatizing AJ and Howie."

"I know babies aren't rocket science or anything," he said, still struggling against the urge to cover the rest of him up. Talking wasn't distracting him from it entirely. "But I'm not sure how good my instincts are going to be. You probably shouldn't trust them all that much. I've been around babies before, sure, but this is *your* baby. Your sweet, precious, perfect little baby."

"And you're my sweet, precious, perfect boyfriend," Joey said, kissing his ear gently. "She's no different from any other baby, not in the details. She cries, she needs her diapers changed, she likes it when you sing to her, she tries to eat her toes. I'm sure your instincts'll be just perfect, the second I hand her over they'll kick in. Don't stress about it. We're gonna be a happy family, you'll see."

"I stress about everything," Nick reminded him, sighing softly in resignation and resting his head against Joey's shoulders. "If it's not one thing, it's something else, in my life. If you really for serious want me to be part of your family, you've gotta understand that, Joey. I know you've seen it. You see it all the time. Nothing comes really easy and comfortable to me."

"Well, my mama adopted you pretty easy," Joey said, a hint of laughter in his voice, "and you seem comfortable enough with that. And my little girl...she's gonna win your heart the minute you see her, I bet, and that'll be the easiest thing in the world. So even if you've gotta stress, I don't think it'll last too long. I don't think it *can*. I have to think this'll be a good happy thing for you, Nick, that being part of my family will help you. Otherwise..." He trailed off, shaking his head.

"Even the happy things are stressful right now," said Nick, clutching at Joey a little tighter. It sounded a little like Joey was almost ready to give up on him now and that just ... Nick couldn't deal with that. He wouldn't be able to handle it. "Joey, please don't ... I'm trying. I'm trying so hard. I'm just trying to tell you that everything is really really hard. Even being loved is hard."

"Hey." Joey's hands were gentle on the skin of his back, stroking him softly. "I know it's hard, baby, take it easy. You don't have to try so hard. Just let things happen, let the good things come to you. They will, you know." His fingers pressed more deeply into the muscles between Nick's shoulderblades. "Just try to think of good things, right now. Give that busy little brain a rest."

Nick let out a soft moan, realizing again how tight his muscles got all the time now. He hardly even realized until someone did something to relax them. "My brain doesn't ever rest anymore," he admitted. "There's so much going on there. There's so much I have to do. So much I can never forget again. We're gonna have to handle this without expecting my brain to rest, I think. I'm sorry."

Joey kissed him, right on the bridge of his nose, then his forehead, before relaxing back and smiling to him. "Don't be sorry," he said quietly. "Just let me try to help. Just...don't worry about the things you have to do; we'll take care of them when they come. Don't worry about you, I'll take care of you. Just relax, let yourself feel good." His thumbs pressed hard down the groove of Nick's spine, and he started humming, something soft and familiar, that sounded almost like a lullabye. Nick could feel the sound vibrating in Joey's chest, under his own body.

He let his eyes close again, and tried to relax, but making an effort to relax wasn't really relaxing at all. "It's my responsibility," he said quietly. "It's all me. I can't let you do everything for me. AJ would tell you the same thing. You can help, but you can't take the responsibility away. And that's where all this worry comes from." A couple days ago he would've tried to let Joey take over. He had to consider this progress. It was nice to think he might be doing *some*thing right.

"Trust me to help, then," Joey said, voice still low. "You can do it. You've got help, you don't have to do it on your own. You'll be fine, Nick, you're strong, you'll make it. I know you can't just stop worrying about it. It's true, I can't do it for you. But you're not alone. Don't let that worry become another burden you have to carry. Let me make it easier for you." Joey was almost pleading with him, though his hands still pressed smoothly into Nick's back, kneading the tense muscles there.

"You do make it easier," he said, letting Joey start to take care of the knots in his back. That, at least, was working. "This is what's left after you making it easier. There's a lot of shit here, you know? A lot of stuff from my past to take care of, and then a ton of stuff in my future to get ready for. Just all sorts of stuff in my head. You know all about it. You *are* helping. I think that's why I'm here at all."

"I don't know how to help you with that stuff," Joey confessed, "even if I know a little bit about it, just what you've told me, and all. I can tell it's hard for you. I just don't want to see you making it even harder on yourself than it already is." He rested his face against Nick's cheek. "I'm really glad you'll be talking to someone when we get back. I wonder if AJ's calling Audrey at all."

Nick didn't think he was ready to say yet that he was *glad* he was gonna be talking to someone -- it certainly wasn't something he was looking forward to -- but he was becoming more firm every day in his resolve to do it. If not for him yet, then to be the best person he could be for Joey and Brianna. He had to start somewhere, after all.

"I'm sure he's calling her," he said finally. "He has her on speed dial. And the stuff with me? Plus the stuff with *Howie*? He's gotta have a lot to talk about with her. A *lot* to talk about. He swears by her special therapist powers with him."

Joey chuckled. "I dunno about special therapist powers, but she does seem to help him a lot. He's sure had a busy couple of days, huh? I just wonder if Howie's giving him any time by himself to call her. It's pretty amazing how close he keeps AJ, like now he's got him, he's afraid to let him out of his sight."

"If AJ wants alone time, AJ will get alone time, Howie or not," insisted Nick. But when he thought about it, he wasn't entirely sure if AJ would be willing to push Howie to get what he needed, right then. He hoped the Howie was aware enough to see that AJ *did* need it, and was willing to let him do what he needed. If he'd talked to her just learning that Nick was trying to go clean, then there was no question in his mind that AJ would want to now. "Howie's just taking care of him. He's good at that."

"He's attached to him at the hip," Joey snorted, chin digging lightly into Nick's shoulder as he spoke. "I don't know how pushy AJ's gonna get with him either. He seems a little off-balance, don't you think? I mean, not that I know him that well, but he's kinda...I don't know. Different. Not that a sudden gay awakening won't do that to you at the best of times, I guess." His fingertips brushed lightly over the small of Nick's back, not pressing at all, before moving back up to his shoulders.

"Yeah, tell me about it," murmured Nick. "He's doing remarkably well, all things considered." He shivered as Joey's fingers ran over him. It always felt better than he remembered, every time. "Are you saying maybe we should suggest to Howie that AJ might need a little alone time? A little phone time? I think he might be able to see that for himself. I hope."

"I dunno," Joey said, voice frank. "I don't know if I could tell if you needed alone time, or...maybe I could tell now, but at the beginning? It's kind of a selfish thing, I know, but I just wanted to be with you, I wasn't paying attention too much to things like that. It's not really my place to suggest anything to Howie, but if you think I'm not just imagining things with AJ, maybe..." He shrugged, fingers drifting down over Nick's hips, then back up, hardly rubbing any more.

Nick sighed softly, and mostly from pleasure. Joey was already so aware of what to do to Nick's body to make it feel good, sexually or not. "I guess it can't hurt to say something," he said after a moment. "All Howie wants is to be with AJ, and for AJ to be okay. He's kinda a lot like you, I guess. Just wants everything to be okay. You should probably be the one to do it, though."

"I...why me?" Joey's voice was plaintive. "I don't even know him, barely. I don't think we're *that* much alike, that he'll take the suggestion of some guy he barely knows, how to deal with his new boyfriend. I mean, he's already suggested that he could call AJ's mom, the press, whatever, whoever, for him. I don't know how great he's gonna take a suggestion that AJ needs alone time, you know?" His soft fingertips rubbed at the skin on Nick's sides, just hard enough not to tickle.

"He knows how much you've done for me," said Nick, chewing on his lip a little as he considered it. "He's seen what you've done for me. I'm still a mess, Joey, but I'm not the same mess he's known for a long time. He doesn't know you real well, but I'm betting he trusts you, about that at least. And ... he's Howie. He listens. He's a little edgy right now, but he listens. You just convince him he's doing it for AJ."

"I dunno if he listens about AJ," Joey said, doubt heavy in his voice. "But I'll try, if you want me to. He hasn't even seen us together, not like AJ has, you know? But...I'll try. I can tell him I think AJ's being a little wierd. If you don't think that'll just freak him out more." He tipped his head sideways at the muffled ring of a phone beside the couch, glancing over the edge before returning to his original position, not even reaching for the phone.

Nick wanted to ask who it was, but he didn't. He did feel his muscles begin to tighten again, though, right away, and knew that Joey had to be able to feel it too. "You could always just keep him busy, for a little while," he suggested. "Talk to him about something. Talk to him about *me*. Tell him I need to talk to AJ. That would give AJ a chance to do what he needed to do. If he hasn't had one."

Joey's touch firmed immediately, massaging him with his whole hands. "I guess. If you don't think AJ'll spend the whole time trying to get the real reason you wanted to talk to him out of you, instead of taking care of his stuff." He shifted Nick a little, for better access. "Shhh. Don't get all tense again, I'm not talking to him right now. This is us-time. Tell me how to kidnap Howie, oh, and all the stuff I'm not allowed to tell him. I'm bad at that stuff, I never know what's supposed to stay private."

"I think ... just use your own judgment," said Nick after a moment. "I'll be totally upfront of AJ about what I'm doing. Him and me ... that's how we deal with each other best, looks like. Just this kinda no-bullshit thing." He wasn't really good at not hiding things, of course, but that, at least, he'd be honest about. AJ wouldn't have a deal with it, where Howie might. "You can tell Howie things you're comfortable telling Howie. And if he doesn't wanna talk about something, he won't."

"I like that kinda no-bullshit thing," Joey was grinning. "That's a pretty cool thing to do. I just...Howie's a hard one to read, you know? I can't really tell what's gonna be cool with him. Maybe we'll just hang for a while. I can get him to tell me baby stories about you, and stuff, that'll be cool. Maybe we'll go to the movies or something, go shopping, get out of the house. Give you guys both a little downtime, without your overprotective smothery boyfriends around."

"Don't go too far," Nick blurted out before he could stop himself. "I mean ... I just ... " It was stupid. He would be fine with AJ. Nothing bad was gonna happen to him. "Just make sure he knows how to take care of me. And go someplace you're gonna have fun, you've earned it. Me and AJ *will* probably find a lot to talk about, no problem. Yes."

"Baby." Joey's voice was dead serious, and he rolled Nick away a little, just enough so he could look straight into his eyes. "I'm not going anywhere unless you're okay with it. And I'd *never* leave you with somebody who didn't know how to take care of you." He cupped Nick's face between his hands, bringing their foreheads together. "I won't go far, even if I go. And I'll always come back soon. Maybe we'll just go play pool or something. And if you need me, I'll always answer your calls."

"I know," said Nick, shaking his head at himself. "Of course I know that. I know you wouldn't do that to me. It's just a ... that was just a kneejerk reaction is all. I trust AJ too anyway. He took care of me early on. It'll be a good thing for everyone." He gave Joey a genuine, confident smile. "I love you. Don't forget to give me your number."

"I won't." Joey smiled into his eyes and kissed him softly. "I'll even give you a special ring, so I'll know it's you the minute your call comes through. AJ's a good guy, though. I wouldn't leave you with anybody else. Maybe my mom, but they're the only ones. It'll be strange, though. I haven't been away from you in days, not really. Not for more than a couple of minutes. I bet I'll keep reaching for you, an' be surprised when you aren't there."

"Don't squeeze Howie in any naughty spots," he said, still smiling at him. "I'll be okay without you here. I'll be taken care of." And maybe it would give him a chance to relax a little -- he was starting to realize when he was putting on a brave face for Joey. Trying to impress him. Trying to make sure he wouldn't stop loving him, even though he *knew*, inside, that Joey wouldn't. "You take care of Howie, too. I bet *he* has things he might want to talk about. Having AJ all suddenly like this."

Joey's smile changed to a grin. "He's probably freaking out at least a little," he agreed. "I mean, it sounds like he's wanted this for a long, long time. Must be like Christmas, for him. AJ's a pretty high-maintenance gift, but I bet Howie thinks it's worth every minute." He laughed a little. "And I promise, no squeezing him. He's not really my type. I like my boys tall and blond and gorgeous."

"Sometimes high-maintenance gifts are the best ones," murmured Nick, hoping that was true. He didn't know anyone more high maintenance than him. He could feel himself blushing a little bit at the way Joey was looking at him. Touching him. Appreciating him. "Enjoy your break from yours, though. And come back missing me a little, maybe."

"I don't really want a break from mine, thanks," Joey said, grinning a little. "I miss mine already, and he's still right here. But AJ needs time, I think, and you probably do too, a little, huh? I know I can...I don't notice, sometimes, when people need space. So you've gotta give me a nudge every once in a while." His eyes drifted down Nick's body slowly, and he still had that slightly wondering look on his face. "I mean, who would want to be away from you?"

Nick blinked at him a couple of times, not quite believing what he was hearing. "Joey," he said softly. "I've completely taken over your life, since we met. Just ... completely. How can you *not* want a break from having me around all the time. Don't you want to just ... do things on your own, and not have to worry about me?"

Joey looked faintly puzzled. "Not being right next to you doesn't mean I won't worry about you," he started slowly. "I mean, I'll still be thinking about you all the time. No, I don't want a break from you. I mean. I'm sure it's good for us, to be apart once in a while, just so I can take a deep breath and clear my head and things. But I don't really *want* to. I like being with you."

Nick smiled a little bit, he couldn't help it. "You're too good for me," he said, absolutely sincerely. Joey was too good for almost *any*one. "Anyway ... we're doing it for AJ and Howie anyway. You being away from me for a little while, that's just a, you know, side effect. Maybe a bonus. Everyone needs a break sometimes. Let yourself enjoy it a little, knowing someone else is looking out for me."

"I can try," Joey promised. "I mean, AJ's cool, I'm not worried. It'll be fine, I'm sure. And you have my number, if something happens. And I'll tell AJ too. And leave it by the door, just in case. We won't be away too long, anyway. It'll be good, you and AJ can get in some bonding time, he can ask you for sex tips." He smirked. "Not that it looked like he needed any, really."

"I think AJ will *always* know what to do when it comes to sex," he said, shaking his head a little and staring at his hands, which were creeping up to cover his body again. He looked up when he heard a knock at the door. "And speak of the devil," he added, looking form the door to Joey. "It'll be good. For everyone."

"Come in," Joey called, and sat up a little, running his hands through his hair. "I think you should tell 'em," he added, to Nick. "You know them better, after all. I'd probably just piss him off."

"Yo." AJ swaggered into the room like he owned it, leaving the door open behind him. "Hey, you didn't even shower or nothin'. Nasty." His voice was mild, though, and he was grinning at them. "My ears were burning. What's up?"

Nick had other ideas about how to handle it, though. Whether it worked or not remained to be seen. "Hey," he said quietly, crossing his arms over his body to hide it, remembering suddenly everything that had happened before. "We'll get there. We were just ... yeah, okay, talking about you." He bit his lip and looked AJ in the eye. "I think maybe I'm ready to talk about some stuff now. If you're willing."

AJ's whole demeanor changed instantly; he dropped down into a chair and leaned forward, face concerned but pleased. "Yeah? I'm here for you, man, you know that." He glanced at Joey, who was gently prying Nick's hands away from his body again. "You staying here or fucking off, Fatone."

"Oh, fucking off," Joey said, voice deceptively mild, since Nick could feel his shoulders tense. "Definitely. Thought I might take Howie with me, actually. I'm sure we can find something to entertain ourselves with."

"Do you mind?" asked Nick, dropping one hand to stroke Joey's leg while still using the other to make a token effort at covering himself. "If I steal you for a little while? Give my Joey a bit of a break, too. He needs some fresh air." He squeezed Joey's leg gently. "Even if he says he doesn't."

"He does look a little keyed up," AJ agreed, eyeing Joey speculatively and settling back into his chair, as Joey snorted and grabbed Nick's hands again. "I'm all yours, kid. *You,* be careful with Howie. Don't you say anything even remotely mean to him, or I'll kick your ass."

Joey looked at him, disbelief clear on his face, then back to Nick. "This guy..." he started, then trailed off, shaking his head. "You're welcome to try," he said mildly, finally. "Anytime. But me and Howie'll be fine, we'll go play pool or somethin'. Dish the dirt on you two, you know." He stroked Nick's wrist with his thumb. "And you two...I'm leaving my number, like, everywhere. He so much as breathes wrong, you call me, AJ, you got it?"

"I'll be fine," Nick promised him, even pulling him down for a kiss. "I promise. If anyone knows how to take care of me, it's AJ. You just ... take care of you. And Howie. And I promise I'll miss you when you're gone." His eyes shot over to AJ, and it was interesting to see how he was already being SO protective of Howie. More than Nick had seen him with any girlfriend. "Love you, Joey."

"Me and Howie don't need taking care of," Joey protested, letting himself be kissed while still eyeing AJ doubtfully. "Love you too. Make sure you drink water. And let AJ help you to the bathroom, if you gotta go. And don't walk around. Eat if you're hungry, okay, but no heavy stuff." He grinned a little and shook his head, even as he reluctantly started to untangle himself from Nick.

"God, Fatone, you ain't his mom," AJ commented. "We'll be fine. I been looking out for him for years. Well, mostly. You just go, relax, have fun. We'll have tea or something."

"Have fun," said Nick softly, right before Joey got up. "Let Howie talk if he needs to. Oh, what am I tell you all this for? You know what to do ... you're a natural at this stuff. Don't worry about me too much. I feel .... good. I feel good. Everything's gonna be okay." And even if he wasn't feeling that totally, he thought it was probably what Joey wanted to hear, so he would feel okay going.

"Yeah." Joey smiled down at him, then bent again for a long, lingering kiss. "Take care of you, okay? Me and Howie'll be fine, we're good. You two have a nice talk. If you can, with him around." He kissed him again, then stood straight, grabbing some jeans and a shirt as he walked towards the bathroom.

"Nice," AJ snorted, watching him go. "He better be sweet to my D, though. Howie's sensitive. Maybe I should have a little talk with him before they go. You really feel okay about this? He's been your shadow for a while now."

"I wanted to do this," insisted Nick, glad he had both hands again so he could finally track down the missing blanket and pull it up over him. "I know what I'm doing. And it's for all of us, AJ, not just me. Um. How are *you* doing, anyway?"

"I'm...good. Kind of fucked-up-confused-turned-around, but good." AJ watched him with disconcertingly clear eyes. "Why do you do that, Nick? Always hiding like that. You didn't used to. You sure as hell don't need to. It's just me, I've seen you all kinds of naked, thousands of times. What gives?"

Nick shrugged a little bit, and wasn't quite sure how to answer. "I don't like to see me," he said finally. "I don't like to be reminded that this is me. I guess." He clutched the blanket even tighter, despite the fact that AJ *had* seen him all kinds of naked. "It's just a ... thing, I guess. That I have to work out."

"Ah." AJ nodded understandingly, clearly familiar with things that needed working out. "But you shouldn't. You're beautiful." He said it simply, like a fact, nothing implied. "Clearly Joey thinks so, since you never seem to have any clothes on around him. But dude, what do you mean, it's for us? Something going on I don't know about? You need a little breather from the overprotective touch-happy boyfriend?"

"No, no," said Nick, shaking his head. Even though it was maybe a tiny little bit that, he still had to admit. "Just ... a lot's happened in a really short time. For all of us. I thought it might be good to just ... mix it up a little. You're probably ... I mean ... I really did want to talk to you about some things. Do want to. That you'll understand better than anyone. But it's also .... " He bit his lip a little. "You and Howie. I mean. Since you two got together all suddenly like that, I didn't know if you'd had any time to yourself where you could, you know, call Audrey. If you needed to. Or whatever."

"Huh." AJ sat back, steepling his fingers in front of his face, unreadable. "Yeah. That would probably be good. I wanted to call her before, but Howie wanted to shower, so..." He shrugged. "I don't like bringing her up too much, with him, you know? He already thinks she has too much control over me, I think, maybe. I don't know. But yeah, man, thanks. Crazy fucking times, huh? D's kind of intense about it all."

"He's wanted it for a long time," said Nick softly. It was nothing that AJ didn't already know by now, he was sure. "He needs a little time to be sure of you, is all. So I figured you might need a little kidnapping, for a couple hours. Get some stuff sorted out for yourself. It's kinda a hard thing to do, when someone else is *always* there. I'm sure he doesn't really think that about Audrey, he just ... really wants you to himself right now, is all. I can understand that."

"Well, thank you for kidnapping me," AJ said, on a sigh, before stretching his legs out in front of himself and finally relaxing. "He's like...I love having him here. I don't ever want him to go. But he's always THERE, you know? I'm not used to it, turning around and someone being there all the time. Plus, you know. I should really call Sarah." He rubbed his eyes with his fingertips.

"Well, I didn't kidnap you to do *that*," said Nick slowly, "but ... that would be good. If you think you can handle it. No pressure or anything. So you and Howie ... it's good? It's what you want? You don't have to say, I"m just ... I'm curious. I never would've thought ... "

AJ snorted, not moving his fingers. "You an' me both, kiddo. Shit, I'm still not entirely clear on what happened there. I'm sorta suspecting D of some voodoo shit, only he's way too nice. It's..." He shook his head, and finally opened his eyes. "I have no idea how it is. I'm so busy doing it, I haven't had time to think about it at all. It seems good, though, right? I mean, he's a good guy. Hot, too, and the mouth on him...but I think it's good."

Nick smiled at him as confidently as he could. "It seems really good," he assured him. "He really likes you, AJ, really cares for you. He'd never fuck with you, which is more than I can say for ... well. Sarah, frankly. Not to be an asshole about it, but Howie is worth a hundred of her."

"Don't talk bad about her," AJ warned immediately, then shrugged an apology for his tone. "She's not a bad person," he added, more quietly. "She's done a lot for me, with me. We were good together once. But not now, I don't think. I mean...things have been going downhill for a while now. I just didn't want to see. Howie, though. Talk about things I didn't see. Damn. I honest to god had no idea, Nicky."

"You weren't the only one," said Nick, loosening his grip on the blankets finally. "I didn't know, until you guys were here. At all. Maybe I should've, though ... he's always been there for you. Always. I guess ... it's probably pretty overwhelming, huh? For a lot of reasons." He snorted and shook his head. "I'm so not helping, am I?"

"Yeah, don't consider a second career in therapy, 'kay?" AJ smirked at him. "Nah, babe, you're good. He has always been there for me, but you know, he's just like that, a lot. I can't really blame myself for not seeing it. So it feels way sudden, but he's had like a year to think about it. It's kinda strange. Good thing the sex is so good." He poked his foot at Nick. "And how are you and the stud? Things good with you two?"

Nick had to take a second to process the image of AJ and Howie having sex. "You *saw* how things are between me and Joey," he reminded him, feeling himself blush furiously. "It's about the best thing going on in my life right now. Everything else is hellish, just about, but at least there's always Joey. He's not going anywhere, no matter how rough it gets."

"I don't think you could pull him off you with a tow truck," AJ agreed, smiling at him and tilting his head a little. "Literally, from what we saw before. That's a whole lotta man, there, sugar. No wonder it's the best thing going on in your life. Keep him naked and happy and you won't have *time* to want a drink."

Nick smiled a little sadly at him. "If only that was true, huh?" he said quietly. "But that ... that can wait. Until you've done what you wanna do. If you want to make calls? I mean ... this is your chance, right now. Joey'll keep Howie busy for a while. He's a pretty fun guy, I think. We haven't had a chance to do much, of course, but ... yeah. So whatever you want."

"I wonder what they're gonna do, your 'pretty fun guy' and my...boyfriend, whatever," AJ mused, lacing his fingers together over his belly and lounging comfortably, eyes on the edge of Nick's blanket. "I can make calls, yeah. Kinda don't want to, but I should sieze the moment or some shit like that. God knows when I'll get another chance."

"Well, if you don't want to, then don't," said Nick. It might not have been the best advice, but it was his first instinct. *He* needed to do the things that made him comfortable, which meant the same held for everyone else, too. "It was just ... I figured you might at least want a chance to. Have the option of a little time to yourself. Take as much time as you need. Just don't let me die or anything, that would piss Joey off. And he's a mean motherfucker when he's angry, I bet."

"Fuck, yeah," AJ agreed, nodding definitely. "Don't wanna get on his bad side. Except when I do." He grinned a little. "He's just way too nice. I wanna poke him sometimes, make sure he's not some kinda pod person. No one's that good, all the time." He stretched and sighed. "I wouldn't let you die, but it ain't got nothing to do with Fatone. I should probably call Sarah before I give Audrey a ring. Save myself the cost of TWO calls to the psych hotline."

Nick gave him a bit of a smile again. "It was ... actually Joey, that thought of you maybe needing to call her. Cause he was talking about me, and finding someone when I get home and all. He's a smart guy, AJ. Not everyone knows that, but he is." He realized he was getting off track, though, and pulled it back again. "I'll be here after you call Sarah, if you need me. Or here *while* you call her, if you want."

"Eh." AJ pulled out his cell phone, and flipped it over and over in his hands, only glancing up when Joey shouted something indistinct from the front hall, and the door slammed. "There they go. Bon voyage, hope they write, blah blah blah." He sighed, and looked back at Nick. "I really should. Call her. I'm just gonna...if you're here in the room, it'll be better. I'll be more careful, I think. You seriously cool with that, man?"

"Yeah, I'm cool with it," said Nick. Someone else's problems were infinitely better than dealing with his own, after all. It was probably a horrible thing to be thinking, but it was true. He wasn't gonna stress about what was going on in AJ's life, and that would probably work to *both* of their advantage right then. AJ didn't need someone to get emotionally involved, he just needed someone to be there. "Just let me know what i can do for you."

"Not much," AJ admitted with a sigh, finally flipping open his phone and staring at it. "Just be there, I guess. Don't let me throw shit." He dialed a number from memory, then visibly relaxed. "Hey, Sarah, it's me. Checking in, things are good here, we're still hangin' with Nick. Um. Yeah. Call me. We need to talk. Yeah. Love you, bye." He clicked the phone closed again, not meeting Nick's eyes.

Nick wasn't sure whether to be relieved that she wasn't home, or sorry that it couldn't just all be dealt with. Then again, maybe Howie needed to be the one that was there when it was. "You don't have to ... it's okay to say that. You okay, Aje?"

"Yeah." He opened the phone again, waving one hand at Nick in a vaguely apologetic gesture, and dialed quickly.

"Hey Audrey? Yeah. It's me." He paused, and sighed, and looked at Nick. "Pretty fucked up, if you know what I mean. I'm with Nick now." He paused and listened. "No, it's good. Really good, I think, I'm okay with that. But...fuck. I gotta ask. When we were talking, did you ever think I was maybe gay?" He put his free hand over his eyes, stretched out his feet so they were propped against Nick's thigh, and listened.

Nick curled a hand over AJ's leg and didn't interrupt, just listened. He was glad AJ was taking advantage of this chance to do what he needed to do for himself. And Joey would probably be happy too, that Nick was witnessing this. That he'd maybe get an idea what it was gonna be like for him. Not that their situations were identical, but ... close enough.

AJ sighed again, and didn't move his hand, still shielding his eyes. "Okay, yes. Yes, it's Howie. No. I don't know. *No*, I haven't told her yet. I left her a message." He paused again, and Nick could almost make out the words on the other end of the line. "I don't think it's avoidance. I know, honesty, yes, we agreed, but fuck, you know? She's...you know how it can be. But. He makes me real happy, Audrey. When I'm around him, it's like the booze doesn't even exist. I don't even think about it." He rubbed his foot absently on Nick's thigh, a comfort gesture.

Nick smiled, listening to him talk about it so comfortably with her. Listening to him say things that Nick didn't think he'd said to any of the rest of them yet. Howie *was* good for AJ, Nick was sure of it. Way better for him than Sarah was or ever could be. He hoped Audrey knew it too, and was busy telling AJ exactly that.

"No, it's not a dependence thing." AJ's tone turned a little sharp. "I can tell the difference by now, don't you think? I'm not..." He sighed and listened again. "No, I'm not getting defensive," he finally said calmly. "Just explaining. He's...new, is all. I'm still kind of unsteady about the whole thing. Yeah. No, yeah, Nick's been great. It's. It was really. It was like seeing me all over again, you know, only...my fault. Someone I love, goin' through it, it's a thousand times harder." He listened hard for the next few moments, hand tense over the phone.

Nick squeezed his leg gently and wasn't sure what to say about that. He'd never wanted to make things hard on AJ, he'd just needed AJ's support more than he realized, at first. He didn't know anyone else who really knew what he was going through, and who would give it to him straight when he really needed to hear it. And he would tell Audrey himself that Howie was a great thing for AJ, if he had to. It was unexpected but just so, so good for him.

Nick squeezed his leg gently and wasn't sure what to say about that. He'd never wanted to make things hard on AJ, he'd just needed AJ's support more than he realized, at first. He didn't know anyone else who really knew what he was going through, and who would give it to him straight when he really needed to hear it. And he would tell Audrey himself that Howie was a great thing for AJ, if he had to. It was unexpected but just so, so good for him.

"No," AJ said, almost chuckling. "No, he's okay with it. I think he's pretty pro-Howie, actually. Pro-us. I don't know. No, Kevin...I don't know. I just...can I just not think about this for a while?" His voice was almost plaintive at the end, and he sighed, almost immediately. "I knew you were gonna say that. No. Yeah. I know. I really did leave her a message, you know." He finally looked at Nick, his eyes calm. "No, it's good for me to be here. I know that. I think I'm helping, a little. When I'm not flipping the fuck out on too much caffeine."

Nick smiled at him and nodded a little, at both things, and squeezed his leg again, even caressing it a little with his thumb. He couldn't squeeze too hard, though; the IV needle pinched a bit when he tried. But still, he thought it was enough, was sure AJ could feel it, anyway. "You're wanted here," he said aloud, softly, and hoped that meant something. "You're needed here."

"I'm wanted here," AJ repeated into the phone, smiling at Nick, the real one that crinkled up his eyes and made him look about ten years old. "Yeah. No, I know. I'll be back before that. Don't...yeah. Did I mention it's a dry house? Yeah, the Fatones are pretty great people. Yeah. Okay. Okay. I know. No, I'm being careful. Yeah. I'll talk to her soon, and yeah. You know it. Okay, bye Audrey. Thanks. Yeah." He shut the phone, then leaned forward in a graceful swoop and kissed Nick's cheek. "Thanks, sugar."

"Feel better?" asked Nick, smiling back at him and moving his arm so AJ could sit closer to him. "Man, that's a great smile. You need to show it off more often." Apparently the filter between his brain and his mouth was still offline.

"Probably," AJ said agreeably, shifting over to the couch and leaning comfortably against Nick's side. He was almost startlingly small and light, after Joey's bulk. "Haven't had much to smile about, till just recently. Much better, thanks. It's like a pattern, you know? You go too long without the stuff you're used to and things just start getting wierd." He grimaced a little. "She wants me to talk to Sarah. Soon. And apparently she knew I was...whatever. Bi. I don't know."

"She knew?" asked Nick, "Or she thought you were? Cause ... I mean, you said stuff, and I thought maybe, too. Sometimes. But I don't think that's the point here, right? Talking to Sarah, getting it over with, that'll feel really good, I think. I mean, I know it probably seems pretty stressful right now, but then once you do it it'll be done and you won't have to stress anymore. Um. Right?"

AJ laughed, and it was a little hollow. "Oh, Nicky, how little you know her. Getting it over with indeed." He rested his head on his fist. "This will suck a lot, and probably for a long time. If it happens. I mean, really...maybe it would just be easier, just while things are so crazy...." He didn't look directly at Nick. "Do you think Howie would...I mean. I know it's not cool, cheating, on her or him or whatever...but do I have to?"

"Is that an honest question?" asked Nick carefully, holding him as close as he could from that position. "I'm not gonna answer until I know if it is or it isn't. I just wanna say, though, that all of us here, we're here for you. We're on your side. And whatever happens, we'll help you, you know? As much as we can, anyway. I'm not sure how much I can do for you, but I will."

"No," AJ sighed, curling against him a little. "No, I know I have to. S'not fair to either of them, otherwise. It's just...it's gonna fucking SUCK, like you don't even know. And you all, this ain't your mess, really. Well, maybe Howie's, a little. Since he couldn't wait till *after* we broke up, and all. You'd do better just concentrating on yourself, and Joey. Making the two of you happy."

"Yeah, well, I could just say that me being all like this isn't *your* mess, or Howie's, or Joey's. But you're all helping me anyway, so ... don't be stubborn. You've already done enough of that in your life. Let us help you; it's my turn to be the stupid, stubborn one now, after all." He smiled at him and moved his arm when the needle started pinching again. He was getting really fucking sick of it. "I'm *am* concentrating on me, but that doesn't mean there isn't stuff left for you, too. What i can spare."

"You being here is kinda my mess, though, Nicky," AJ argued softly. "I mean. How many times did you see me crawlin' into a bottle when things got rough? I was just about the shittiest role model ever. And I feel that every day I'm here." He let Nick move, then settled back against him. "When's that thing coming out, anyway? Your arm's like one big bruise, you know."

"Today, I hope," said Nick, wincing a little. "Whenever the doc comes to check up on me. I hate it." He sighed and lay back but he kept his eyes on AJ. "Aje ... " he said slowly. "You can't ... okay, you need to listen to me for a second. Because yeah, I saw you when you were like that, saw how you coped badly with stuff ... but it's not why I'm here. It's not why I did what I did. You are *not* responsible, okay? I was a stupid fuck all on my own."

"I didn't pour the drinks down your throat," AJ agreed, still not really looking at him. "And I'm not your dad, or...but Nick, man. We all knew, when you were little, that we were like...dude, we pretty much raised you, man. And I didn't take that serious enough. Givin' you tequila when you were fifteen, for Christ's sake. And completely falling apart, right in front of you..." He shook his head. "I know I apologized, but that's just not enough."

"Yeah, but there were four of you, AJ. You weren't my only influence. And seeing you fall apart, you'd think that would make me smarten up, right there. You've been clean for months now, too, so if you're blaming yourself for me turning into a drunk, well, you have to take credit for being just about the best influence I could have, too. Not that you should be blaming yourself in the first place. I could've gotten tequila from a hundred different places when I was fifteen. It wasn't all you."

"No, it wasn't. I'm not taking all that blame, baby." AJ sighed and stroked Nick's hair back with a gentle hand. "But some of it, yeah. You've gotta let me. And for not pushing harder, to get you to stop, sooner than this. You scared the shit outta me, Nicky, with this whole sick thing. Don't you do that any more. I want you to eat, and rest, and be healthy. If not for yourself, for your friends who love you."

"The harder you pushed, the harder I pushed back," Nick reminded him. "I wasn't ready to even try before. For better or for worse, you know? But now ... I'm not going back, AJ. I'm not. It's fucking hard, minute to minute, even, but I've gotten this far and I'm just ... I'm not. I refuse to go back to that anymore."

"Good. Yeah. Make up that stubborn mind." AJ grinned at him, finally, and relaxed back. "I'm glad you realized it. One more week of you going out, then...well, you know what you were like, when I tried to talk to you about it...anyway, I was starting to freak, a little. You're tons smarter than me. You figured it out a lot quicker."

"I'm not tons smarter than you," said Nick. "You know I'm not really smart, AJ. I just ... Joey had some pretty good incentives, to stop. And then once I *was* sober -- for probably the first time in forever -- I realized that I was really fucking bad off. I mean ... I had no idea, AJ. I thought you were just overreacting. I really didn't know. So yeah ... I owe you, like, a million apologies, too."

"Nah." AJ shrugged it off. "I was a thousand times worse. You never hit anyone, well, not then, anyway." He smiled a little. "Thank god for Fatone. God, never thought I'd be saying those words. Whatever the reason, you stopped. I was drinking for *years*, Nick. You weren't too bad till pretty recent. It'll be easier for you, I think. I hope."

"I'm not sure it gets much easier," mumbled Nick. "I mean, addiction is addiction, right? And I spent a long time building up tolerance, I think. I mean ... I didn't just start bingeing all of a sudden. It just kept getting to be more and more until it was ... obvious, I guess. Joey tells me it was pretty obvious, that people who saw me knew what was going on. I didn't know that, until he said. I thought it was fine, I thought everything was okay."

"Addiction's addiction," AJ agreed. "Hopefully, it's just the physical dependence that'll be less, since you weren't really drinking *hard* hard till the end, there." He left his fingers in Nick's hair, just keeping him close. "It wasn't too obvious. Not till recently. Not like me, kiddo. You were maintaining okay." He sighed. "Which probably made it even harder to realize you needed to stop. At least I had concrete evidence I was being a drunk asshole."

Nick gave him a little smile and fell silent for a minute. "You're doing good," he said finally. "I mean ... you've really got your shit together, AJ. And even when things start going nuts for you, you know what to do to take care of it. Or you know who to talk to to help you work it all out. I still need to figure out how to do all that, I guess. Figure out how to sort through all this shit in my head and in my life."

"Talk to someone," AJ advised simply. "Sometimes just talking to someone who can listen, who doesn't know you really but who wants to help, who can look at everything clearly, makes all the difference. I know you said you were gonna, but I really think you should, as soon as possible. The not-eating thing...that worries me. More than the drinking, maybe, even." He put a hand on Nick's ribcage, gently. "Sorting through that stuff in your head would be good, I think. It would help."

Nick shrank back from AJ's touch involuntarily; it wasn't that he was being touched, it was just where and ... and the context. "Joey said to wait until we were back in Orlando," he said quietly. "To find someone to help me out. Which ... yeah, makes sense. Gives me too much time to maybe back out of it, though. I dunno." He touched his own ribcage tentatively. "I know the not eating thing went way too far, and I just don' t weigh enough now, but I mean ... it did me some good, too, I think. Joey's all insisting that i put it *all* back on, but I don't need to do that. Just ten pounds, maybe fifteen. Then I'd be where everyone wants me to be."

"Nope," AJ said calmly, rubbing his hand in circles and not letting Nick escape his touch. "You should put it all back on. At least forty pounds, out of the sixty you lost, and even then, it's pushing it. *Then* you would be where everyone who loves you wants you to be. It didn't do you any good at all, kiddo. It made you sick and put you in the hospital, and it's not healthy. I think it's a good idea to wait till you're back in Orlando, but you should do it as soon as you do. Just the fact that you're defending it still...that's not good."

"Defending what?" said Nick, forcing himself not to shrink back this time even though his instinct was to move away from that touch. "I really don't need much, AJ. Just enough so the bones aren't showing so much anymore. I mean ... it's my body. Don't you think I know what's good for it?" Which was possibly the stupidest thing he'd said in days, but he couldn't take it back now.

AJ just raised an incredulous brow at him, snorting a little, and still touching him. "You're defending the fact that you starved yourself almost to death. People with eating disorders...by definition, they don't know what's good for their bodies." He smiled a little, gently. "It's okay, you know. You're a beautiful guy, no matter what weight you're at. Even more when you're not a skeleton, though. Have you even seen yourself in a mirror, naked, recently? You need a *lot* more weight, kiddo. Don't freak out about it, just...start to think about it like that. Don't tell yourself it's okay, to be so thin."

"I don't have an eating disorder," insisted Nick, frowning at him. "I just got kinda messed up and lost track of my weight. Forgot to eat right and stuff. I'm just saying, it doesn't have to be *such* a bad thing, in the long run." He did think for a minute about what AJ said, though. He was listening. "Joey tries to get me to look at myself. To touch myself," he said finally. "I don't really like to, much."

"Nicky, you don't eat. You think your ideal weight is like fifty pounds lighter than you should be." AJ's voice was still gentle, but implacable. "You're either anorexic, or headed down that road. Either way, it's something to deal with. Sounds like Joey's doing a good job, but talking to someone else...I think it's important." He laid his palm flat on the ridges of Nick's ribs, sliding his fingers into the hollows between them. "You should do what Joey says. Hating yourself ain't healthy either."

"I do everything that Joey says," admitted Nick, closing his eyes for a minute, still fighting the urge to shove AJ's hand away from him. "I know, Aje. I know he knows how to take care of me better than I know how to take care of myself. It's just ... nevermind. It's not important."

"Sure it's important," AJ urged softly. "Come on. He ain't here, I am. It's not a matter of doing everything he says, or I say. It needs to be more than just blind obedience, you know. But what were you gonna say?"

"Just ... " he opened his eyes again, looked into AJ's. "It's nothing that's gonna, like, bare my soul to you or anything, AJ. It's just ... I don't really deal well, when people make fun of me. I know, it's ridiculous, I've been in the business for years nevermind my *mother*, I should be immune to people to saying I'm fat and stupid. But I'm not. And if I stay skiinny, they can't say that anymore. You know?"

"Sweetheart." AJ's voice was a little sad, but kind, and he caught Nick's eyes with his own. "Baby, you're in the cruelest industry on earth. You show up looking like you are, and the words will change to 'skinny' and 'sick' and 'emaciated', but no matter what you do, people are gonna be cruel. It's the way of the world. The only way to beat it, the only thing that'll help, is loving yourself enough that it doesn't hurt so much. You're not fat, or stupid. You never were. *That* is what you gotta know."

"And what if I don't know that?" asked Nick. "What if I don't believe that? Right at this moment I'm busy flunking out of the course I was taking. And then I gain all that weight back and I'm right back where I started. Except without the drinking, but fuck, that's probably one of the things that got me started in the first place. One of a million things. I can never be what I'm supposed to be."

AJ's eyebrows went up. "You're not what you're supposed to be now, I'll grant you that. You're a starving alcoholic, neither of which are good things. But kiddo, you're flunking 'cause of extenuating circumstances, not 'cause you're dumb. And you were never fat. You need to stop thinking about what other people are thinking of you, an' trust me, I *know* that ain't easy." He patted Nick gently. "You gotta make that your goal, though. I bet Joey'll help."

"You know Joey will help," murmured Nick. "I just don't know if that's gonna be enough. There are a lot of people out there who are just looking for a sign that I'm not, you know, gorgeous and perfect. And when they find one, they're gonna beat it to death and I'm gonna feel like crap all over again and ... " He clenched his jaw and stopped talking about it, even if he didn't stop thinking about it.

"But..." AJ shook his head, still staring at him. "What they think doesn't *matter.* Who cares? I mean, no, I know, we care, of course we do, but we *can't*. You think..." he trailed off, and scratched his head. "I gotta tell you this, man, because it sounds too familiar. I mean, talking to Audrey, I figured out kinda why I was drinking. One of the reasons. And it was cause I hated it so much, the way everyone fuckin' looked down on us, our music. It was literally fucking killing me."

Nick bit the inside of his lip until it hurt, and nodded his head. He wasn't sure what he was agreeing with, but he felt like he needed to acknowledge that. "Yeah, I said ... I think that's part ... I mean, but it was mostly not. I think." He squeezed his eyes closed. "Fuck, AJ, I don't know. I don't know anything. I don't know why I do anything anymore."

"But, but what I'm saying, is..." AJ leaned forward, eyes intent on Nick's face. "You can't let that get to you. What other people say, what they think. You've got to figure out a way to shut them out, or it'll just eat you up. An' maybe it's not all of the reasons you do stuff, but I've been listening to you, Nick, and everything you say...it sounds like a big reason. I dunno, that's for you to figure out. And you *can* figure it out, and then you can figure out how to make it better." His voice was low, intense, like he was trying to make Nick see, just with his words.

"Just wanting not to care doesn't mean I don't care," he said after a moment, his voice hushed. "I've always known that, you know, not all opinions matter as much. But they still ... there's so *many* of them ... and they think the same thing ... and they could be right, you know? It's easy to believe."

"I know." AJ settled back with a sigh. "And...dude. That's something you gotta talk about, when you find your Audrey or whoever. It can help you sort out the outside voices, and the bad inside voices, and listen more to the good stuff. It's real hard. But you can do it. If I can do it, you can too."

Nick reached up and rubbed his forehead with the heel of his hand, hoping to stave off the headache he felt coming. No painkillers for that either. "I really don't want to see a therapist," he said quietly. "I know you already know that. I just ... " He frowned, trying to sort out what he wanted to say. And why. "I'm starting to feel like I'm gonna be seriously depressed again in about, like, thirty seconds," he admitted finally. "Maybe if i talk about it I won't." It was a longshot, but it was AJ, and if there was anyone who knew how he felt ...

AJ curled an arm around his shoulders, squeezing him lightly. "You can talk to me about anything. Even if it's something you think I'll disagree with, you can tell me whatever you like. Maybe talking *will* help, it always helps me."

"Yeah, well, it does *now*," mused Nick. "You never used to, though. Talk. At all. About anything. How did you ... ? I mean ... it must've started somewhere, right?"

AJ chuckled, though he didn't sound like he was amused. "It was you, Nick. Well, you and the other fellas. Screaming at me to tell you what was going on, and I was drunk, and realized I hadn't talked to any of you in months, and that that was part of what was fucking me up so bad I wanted to die. I decided right then that I was gonna start talking. One of the better decisions I've made." He rubbed Nick's shoulder gently. "It does help."

Nick swallowed thickly. "I'm glad you're still around to talk to," he said softly. "I've tried to talk, and I just don't even know what to *say*, mostly. Like, with Joey, I've tried. I've tried to tell him what's wrong. Except I don't *know*. It's so fucking frustrating."

"Start with the small stuff," AJ urged quietly. "Just say whatever comes to mind. There's nothing you can say that'll be wrong, or bad. And sometimes, talking can help you figure out what's wrong, just by getting it all out there. With Joey, you're probably still trying to hide some stuff. You don't have to do that with me."

Nick made a face again, but tried to be open to it because it *was* AJ. "I just want him to keep liking me," he admitted. "I mean, I *know* he's seen just about the worst of me, and he's still here. He sticks around. But I don't want to push that. I ... don't talk about the drinking much now, with him. Or the eating thing ... he's really stubborn about that."

"He should be. He's worried about you, just like we all are. And kiddo, I honestly don't think you have to worry about him liking you. I've never seen anyone more head over heels before in my whole life." AJ smiled a little. "But until you feel okay talking to him, or find a therapist...you can always come to me. We're brothers. No way you can ever get family like us to leave you, no matter what you say."

"I think we've all learned that," said Nick with a little smile back. "I guess I don't wanna put too much pressure on him, either. I love him too much, and he's already taken too much on. He doesn't need to hear some of the things that go through my head -- he'd just worry." Nick licked his lips. "I don't want to put too much pressure on you either. Kevin said ... said I shouldn't."

"Did he now," AJ mused, voice silky. "Wow, I must have been *really* out of it to miss Kevin being appointed my legal guardian, and recieving his psych degree, and all. My my. How could you have forgotten to tell me?" He shook Nick lightly. "Listen. I've spent the last six months staring at the inside of my own head. If the pressure gets too much, I'll be the first to let you know."

"I think I'm pretty much terrified to stare at the inside of my own head," Nick blurted out. "I have no idea what I'm gonna find in there. I might hate myself." It would be pretty hard to hate himself more than he already did, though. "And it's gonna be hard." Now *that* was a pretty fucking lame reason. But honest.

"Yeah, it'll be hard," AJ said, nodding with only a middling level of sympathy. "And you'll probably hate yourself at first, at least. I did, anyway. But that's when having someone who loves you is so important. I mean...I don't think you guys know just how much Sarah did for me. Then." He scrubbed at his head with his hand, making his hair stand up in points. "But listen, man. Anything worth doing is hard. And this is *so* worth doing."

"*You* guys might not like it either," Nick warned him softly. "You might not like me when I'm doing what I want to be doing. What if I realize I don't want to perform anymore? What if I decide it's too hard for me to stay clean when I'm under that kind of pressure? I'm not you ... I might not be strong enough. I just ... I don't know. I really, really don't know what's in there. How could i, when I can't even piece together what got me to where I am in the first place?"

AJ tipped his head so that their foreheads were touching. This close, his eyes looked almost black. "If you decide it's too much, that you want to stop performing, then..." he shrugged. "Then we stop. It's just that simple. We've had a good run, you know. But you're my brother, all of you, and whatever's in that little head of yours...as long as you're happy, and getting better, I'm fine with it."

"You can't really mean that," said Nick, shaking his head a little. "You were back on the road with us before you were really even recovered. You were willing to sacrifice that for us. Would you really be okay with it, if I realized I wasn't able to do the same? I mean, I'm not saying I will. I love music. I just ... it's possible. All kinds of things are possible."

"Sugar boy, it's possible that tomorrow Brian'll wake up and decide that God has called him to the ministry. Or that Kevin will just start feelin' old and throw in the towel. All *kinds* of things are possible. Me, I live for performing, so it wasn't such a big thing, me being out on the road so soon. No matter what, I'll keep doing it, too. But whatever you need to do, you do. As long as it's for the right reasons."

Nick nodded a little bit, accepting it even if he couldn't quite beleive it yet. "I think what I really need to do," he said finally, forcing the words out, "is do something about my mother."

AJ cupped his cheek in a gentle hand, and didn't look away from him, nodding encouragingly and staying silent.

Nick nodded again and knew he had to be the one to talk about it. "You know how I feel about her," he said. "Or ... you know that i don't know how I feel about it. Except that I hate her. Except when I don't. I'm so fucked in the head about her, Aje ... "

"It's a fairly fucked-up situation, you know," AJ said, nodding. "She's your mom, so you love her. But she's pretty much wrecked your life, so you hate her, and everything's a big nasty tangle, huh?" He smiled, a little sadly. "Kevin was gonna sue for custody of you when you were thirteen, you know. But the lawyer said he'd never win, and that it'd fuck you up even more. I think Kev still regrets not trying anyway. So, you know how *we* feel about her."

"He did?" said Nick, blinking up at him in surprise. "I ... didn't know that. I had no idea. I always thought I was mostly a pain in the ass for you guys when I was a kid. All awkward and hyper and shy at the same time, and mom always being there in the way. Telling me how I was doing and what to do and all yelling in front of you. I wanted to sink into the floor sometimes."

"We wanted to sink into the floor with you. Not because we were embarrassed, because we were a half second from getting kidnapping charges filed against us," AJ said frankly. "Seriously. Didn't you notice, when Brian started talking with your mom so much? He did it to distract her, because he loves you. An' I stayed up some nights, wondering if I could get my mom to adopt you so you could be my brother for real. I was only fifteen," he shrugged, a little selfconsciously. "Kevin talked to lawyers. Howie gave out hugs, 'cause that's what he does. We tried, Nicky."

"I didn't know," whispered Nick. "I mean, I'm not stupid, I knew you didn't like her. I remember crying to every one of you at some point or another, when it got awful. But still ... she was my mom. IS my mom. She still has, you know, all that power over me." He gave AJ a weak smile. "You always did look out for me, even when you were a kid, too. If only we knew then what we know now, huh?"

AJ smiled back, and squeezed him tight. "Yeah, well. Hindsight is always 20/20. Who could see this, way back when?" He sighed. "But she's your mom. And a big part of your problems. And that's the honest truth. There was never enough that we could do, back then. But now...now you're a grownup. You're in charge of your own life, and you can make your own decisions. And I think...I think you've gotta break away from that power she still has over you. That's just me, though. Just what I think."