Nick/AJ #3

It wasn't like AJ hadn't hear the pounding at his front door the *first* time it came. What the hell did Nick expect? For him to be there two seconds after his knock? So the fucker pounded again ... and again ... as AJ made his way downstairs. It wasn't like AJ didn't already know that he was there, since he'd had to *buzz him onto the grounds* not two minutes ago. But Nick kept fucking knocking.

"AJ!" said Nick as AJ threw the door open, giving him a too-bright smile. He'd probably just had his teeth bleached. "How are you doing?"

"Well." AJ just managed to step aside as Nick pushed in through the door. "Well, hello, Nick. I was doing just fine. Now I'm kind of wondering about the cost of door replacement, but hey. All in a day's work." He hadn't been expecting guests, so the house was dark and messy and smelled closed-up. Abandoned. He hadn't even noticed, before Nick blew in, all fresh air and sunshine. "I'm sorry, was I expecting you?"

"If you weren't, you should've been," said Nick brightly. "You knew I was in the area. Didn't I call? Sorry. Hey, can I open a window in here? Or the curtains or something?" He didn't wait for a yes, or any kind of go-ahead at all, before just doing it.

"Um." AJ stood still in the center of his living room and blinked as the curtains were pushed open, the windows slid wide. Suddenly he could see what a pit the room really was. He wished he'd grabbed his sunglasses. "Yeah, I knew you were in the area, but...hey, could you not?" AJ jolted into sudden motion; Nick was pushing aside the boxes stacked on the coffee table. Boxes that Sarah was going to come pick up, someday. "Don't touch those."

"What, am I just supposed to leave them there, in the middle of everything?" asked Nick, quite seriously, if not innocently. He knew what he was saying. "Why don't we just ... " He looked around the room and frowned. "Put them in the corner or something? So we can get comfortable."

"I'm comfortable," AJ insisted. "I *was* comfortable, anyway. Nick, what the fuck are you doing here? This better not be some freako babysitting idea. I'm *fine*, just like I told Howie the fifteen thousand times he's called." He folded his arms across his chest and gave Nick his best glare. Slightly weakened by the fact that he was so fuckin' tired he could barely stand up. "So you came, you saw, I'm not dead on the floor or drunk in the corner, you can go now."

"I won't be kicked out," said Nick, with painful good cheer, and started moving the boxes. Carefuly, at least, but still. Moving things. Changing things. "I had a day off. I was here. Where else would I want to be? You got anything to eat, by the way? I meant to stop on my way over, but I forgot till I was almost here."

"Nick!" AJ practically shouted, and pushed Nick's hand away from the box forcefully, before breathing deeply and calming himself down. Biofeedback. Looked like the stuff he'd learned in rehab really had stuck. "Just. Don't. Don't move that. Okay? I don't know if there's anything in the fridge, Sar-...I don't do the shopping. Why don't you go look."

"Why don't we move this stuff where you won't be looking at it all the time?" suggested Nick, only -- soft as it was -- it wasn't really as much a suggestion as it was a command. "Then we can get something to eat. I'll order in if I have to, but I've been looking forward to your cooking for weeks. How about over by the window seat? That doesn't seem to be much of a high traffic area ... "

"Fuck." AJ threw up his hands--literally and figuratively--and spun, heading for the stairs. "Fine, whatever, do what you want. I can't stop you, right? I'm going back to bed. Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out." His eyes had already adjusted to the brighter light in the living room, and he was blinded as he groped for the door to the stairs.

One moment he was alone, the next Nick's hand was on his shoulder. "I'm not here to babysit you," he said, soft but firm again, somehow Nick's voice always had a softness to it. Even when he was yelling, which AJ had heard more times than he could count in their younger days. "But that doesn't mean I'm not here to be a friend. The kind of friend you need, not the kind that'll go away just because you tell them to. Come help me move this stuff, AJ."

Nick's hand felt heavy on him, pinning him to the floor, though AJ knew he could move if he really wanted to. He let his head drop, and sighed. "I...can't," he admitted painfully. "She...she's coming back, you know? For her stuff. And I can't move it. Maybe she'll stay, if it's still all where she left it. She'll see I don't want her to go." It hurt his throat to say these things, but he had to make Nick understand.

Nick waited a moment, then removed his hand and slipped it around AJ's waist rested his chin on AJ's shoulder. "Aje, you know I love you," he started, and things AJ wanted to hear rarely started that way. "But if she'll only come back if her stuff's in the same place? Then she doesn't really want to be here. She doesn't really want to stay. If things are meant to work out, then they will, but it'll have nothing to do with whether or not you moved her stuff out of your way."

AJ shook his head, not disagreement so much as denial, and moved away from Nick's warm body. He felt brittle, like being touched too much might make him break, and Nick was just too much, too big and nice and familiar and gorgeous and happy, and AJ clenched his teeth together. "She doesn't want to stay," he admitted wearily. "Unless things have changed a hell of a lot since last week. Move the boxes if you want, I guess. It was a stupid idea anyway."

"Help me move the boxes," said Nick agian, and it wasn't pushy or obvious, like it would have been if some people had been saying it, but the meaning was clear all the same. AJ had been in therapy long enough to get it. Nick figured this was something that *he* had to do, or at least be a part of. "Then food, because you look like you haven't eaten since she left, and if there's one thing I'm good at, it's anything to do with getting food into the body."

"Nick," AJ sighed, and at least turned back to the living room. He wasn't getting away that easily, he knew it. "Look. I appreciate you coming here, I do, and I know you're trying to help..." he trailed off and wandered back to the coffee table, running his hand over a box. "You can't fix it, Nick. You can't feed me and clean up my living room and make it better, okay? I mean." AJ dropped down to the couch, tilted his head back, and stared at the boxes. "Cleaning my house ain't bringing her back."

"I'm not trying to fix it," insisted Nick. "And I'm not trying to fix you. That's not my job, and it won't do either one of us any good for me to try to." AJ clearly hadn't been the only one paying attention in therapy. "I'm trying to clean off your coffee table so I can put my feet up when I eat on your couch. Don't let her take over your space, man, when she's not even here. This is yours. Maybe try to start acting like it is, and things'll start falling into place again."

"It's OUR FUCKING SPACE!" AJ shouted at Nick, shocking himself, clapping his hands over his mouth while he breathed for a long moment, before letting them drop. "I just." He couldn't look at Nick. "I fucked everything up, huh?" He settled back into the couch, staring straight ahead. "Situation normal, at least." He didn't even recognize his own laugh.

"You're human, AJ," said Nick, shrugging, not quite agreeing *or* disagreeing with that. "Just because you got cleaned up and made it through rehab didn't suddenly give you some kind of superhuman ability to resist temptation. People fuck up all the time, and when they're ready they put things back together again. And mostly they put them back together stronger. So don't beat yourself up, huh? i know it looks bad right now but ... I mean. Who knows better than you that things get better, right?"

"How many times?" He looked straight at Nick, wanting an honest answer. "How many chances do you get? Cause I'm getting the feeling I'm running low." He ran a hand over his newly-shaved head. "Whatever. Let's move some boxes." He kicked at one halfheartedly, watched it shift and fail to fall.

"There's not, like, a number," said Nick, and he looked up from boxes and gave AJ a lopsided grin. "If there was, don't you think I would've run out by the time I hit, like, twenty? Eighteen? You'll do all right, Aje. You're stronger than you think you are. So let's just ... move these. Don't do anything you'll regret." "Pssht." AJ made a disgusted little noise, watching Nick lift one of the bigger boxes. "You were fine, maybe a little high strung, but you were an okay kid. Still are." He had to admit the truth; the tight band around his chest was easing, the panicky headrush was subsiding, and he was almost smiling back at Nick. "And believe me, I know exactly how strong I am, and it ain't very. Or I wouldn't be in this shit to begin with."

"Whatever," said Nick, hefting the box into the corner, right where he said he would. "You always were shit at judging yourself, AJ, and no matter how much soulsearching you do, I think your friends are always gonna be important so they'll do just that for you. Tell you when you're full of shit. And right now? Baby, you're full of shit. You've been sitting around feeling sorry for yourself instead of being all proactive. And getting the place all nice and stocked for my visit. It really sucks that you didn't have lunch ready, man, I think you oughta know that." And Nick grinned at him again, irrepressibly.

"Oh my god, Carter," AJ surprised himself by laughing, honestly, for the first time in two weeks. "Can you for one second think about something other than food?" He lifted a box too, and settled it beside Nick's; it only hurt a little bit. "I have not been sitting around feeling sorry for myself, either, you little shithead. And I got nothing in the world to be proactive about anyway." The truth of that last statement sobered him immediately. "Sorry about the fridge. There may be some eggs in there, I think."

"Oh really," said Nick, lifting an eyebrow at him. Kind of. He really wasn't very good at it. "So what *have* you been doing, then? Besides, apparently, answering Howie's hourly phone calls. You could be proactive about ... oh, shopping? Laundry? Letting the cleaning service in? Oh wait, here's a good one. How about calling your damn friends and letting them know you're all right, huh? It's not cool getting my news about you third hand, man. I thought we were past that."

"I talked to Howie, and Kevin," AJ shot back defensively. "You're on tour, Nick, I'm not gonna be calling your ass at three a.m. with my shit, whining about fucking up my life again. You knew I was fine, you knew you'd hear if I wasn't, so get off my ass." He shoved another box into the corner where they were stacking them. "I don't even know which cleaning service we use."

"Don't be dim, AJ. I know you better than that," said Nick, making sure everything was carefully stacked and secure. Taking more care than AJ ever would have. "It's one thing to know you're fine. It's another to have you actually talk to me, and you know it. Number of times you've been on my ass about telling you shit, you shouldn't be surprised by this, man."

AJ rolled his eyes. "I'm not dim. Shut up, and also, I wasn't really going down the phone tree, you know. Howie called about twenty times before I actually talked to him." He shoved another box over, he could see the coffee table now. "I'm a grownup, now, just like you. I don't have to go running to--" He broke off, and scrubbed at his eyes with his hand. "Whatever."

"You know, believe it or not, grown-ups have friends, too," said Nick. "They actually have people they can count on. Took me a little while to figure that one out too, but I got there." He piled another box, then brushed the dust off his hands. "I actually wasn't even gonna talk about this, when I came over," he admitted. "I was just gonna ... I dunno. Hang with you. But we *can* talk about it. I mean, I'm not too macho or some shit to listen. I even cry, sometimes, now."

"Good for you," AJ said dryly. "I try not to turn into a total soppy mess, though, so you're gonna have to give me a pass on that one." He was pretty sure, anyway. "An' believe me, you're not at the top of my macho list. But...yeah. We should maybe talk about something else." He restlessly started stacking magazines on the now-bare table, making sure they lined up precisely. "How's the tour going?"

"Way to miss the point," muttered Nick. "The tour is fine, going good and all. Look ... maybe I shouldn't have come after all. I mean ... you're just ... just promise me you'll leave the windows open or something after I leave. You're gonna turn into, like, Gollum or something, if you hole up in here in the dark for too long."

AJ cast a quick panicked look around the living room. When Nick left it would be empty again, and quiet. He reminded himself that that was the way he wanted it. "Fine, good. Go. I'm glad the tour is going well, that's great. I'm gonna go back upstairs, I think I need a nap." And he didn't want to watch another person walk out that door. "Thanks for stopping by." The smile even *felt* fake.

"Goddammit, AJ!" said Nick, and his smile was gone and annoying as it was, AJ didn't realize quite how much he would miss it when it wasn't there. "I thought you were supposed to be *less* frustrating now. I don't ever want to have to go through ... things, again." AJ didn't miss him rubbing his hand, like it ached. "I'm sorry ... I'm not real good at the patience thing yet. But I'm trying here. When ... *why* ... did you decide to cut us all out of your life again?"

"What? I never--" He shook his head, honestly surprised. "It's just life, kiddo. We've all got our things, our separate stuff, it wasn't like I decided in some big dramatic moment not to call you. It just never really occurred to me that you'd be interested. You've moved on, you've got this whole thing now, your CD, your tour, you're happy. Like I'm gonna bring you down in the middle of that?" He shook his head, disgusted at his own relief that Nick hadn't left yet. "There was no cutting, you dope. Just...drifting, I guess."

"Well, it should've occurred to you," said Nick, and sighed, and looked mostly *sad*, not anything else. "I mean. Hasn't anything changed at all? With you? With all of us? I kinda figured that ... you know, even with everything that's going on, you'd *want* to talk to me. Or *one* of us, at least, even if it wasn't me."

"Hello, earth to Nickolas," AJ mocked gently, rapping on the side of his head. "Did you miss the part where Howie's been stalking me long-distance? It wasn't that I didn't wanna talk to you...okay, it was mostly that I didn't want to talk to anyone." He gave Nick as pointed a glance as he could. "Still don't, really. A LOT has changed, and you know it."

"Yeah, but I thought part of that changed stuff was you knowing that you can -- should -- come to use when shit happens. No matter when, no matter what. You know? We've talked about this. You know -- not to bring up what I know you do in therapy or anything, but keeping this stuff all inside is a path to places that you don't want to go."

AJ's eyebrows climbed higher. "A path to places I don't want to go? Your therapist must be even worse than mine." He slumped back down into the chair, a silent admission that he wasn't going anywhere. "Look. It's not the end of the world. I fucked up, my fiancee left me, I'll deal with it. I've dealt with worse, right? I don't need to go running to you all every time I stub my fuckin' toe. You don't need that shit either. You all have LIVES, Nick, other things you gotta be thinking about."

"So I was gonna get us something for lunch, right?" said Nick, kind of abruptly. "Now that we have space for it and all. Any preferences? Should I just call for pizza instead of making a useless trek into your kitchen?"

"How do you know it's useless?" AJ grumped, feeling sulky. "There might be food in there, you never know." Actually, he himself had no idea. "No pizza either way, though, there're menus by the door on that little table for delivery places. Order whatever you want."

"Good, I will," said Nick, and disappeared to use the phone. And AJ felt pretty dumb looking sulky when there was no one there to see him. "We're getting chicken," he said when he came back. "I thought about Chinese, but I puked last time I had it so that was right out. And I didn't know what any of the stuff was on the menu for the Indian place. There were food stains on it, though; you order from there a lot?"

"Sarah likes Indian," AJ answered without thinking, then winced. "Chicken's fine, that'll be great. As long as it's not pizza, I'm cool." He fiddled with the hem of his shirt, wondering how long he'd had it on. "How long are you staying, anyway? Are you gonna want a bedroom or something? I think the pool's clean if you want to swim."

"Maybe, if you do," said Nick, with an indifferent shrug. AJ knew Nick wasn't indifferent about getting in the water. "I'm only here today, maybe till tomorrow morning. Sorry, man, but I just can't get away any longer than that. But I can come back on the weekend, I think, I can fly out for a day ... "

"That's all right. Long flight to stay a day." AJ shrugged, then pushed himself back to his feet. If he was going to have Nick around all day, he was going to have to change his clothes. "Shower," he tossed over his shoulder as he headed for the stairs, but he paused before stepping up, and stared hard at the carpet. "Thanks, " he said more softly. "It's...nice, not to have an empty house, even for a day."

Nick watched him solemnly for a moment, then nodded his head and smiled. "If you ... you know ... need a hand with anything? Any bits you can't reach, or whatever?Just ... you know. Just yell or something. I'll be there before you can sputter."

That startled an honest snort of laughter out of AJ. "I've been bathing alone for a long time, Carter, I think I can handle it." He grinned back as he headed up the stairs. "Just make yourself comfortable. Go stare at the pool, or my empty fridge, or whatever. I promise not to drown."

"I wasn't worried," said Nick, his grin changing into something a little bit different. A little shyer. "I just figured ... well, okay, you do that, and I'll be here, and maybe the food will even come or something. And I'll see you in a few minutes."

"Right," AJ said slowly, feeling like he was missing something, but too tired to think it through. Not to mention after mentioning the shower, his skin was suddenly crawling with the need to be clean. "Back in a flash."

The shower made him feel like a new man, and he took his time, and actually came downstairs hoping that the food had come. He stopped dead at the living room, though; Nick had extended his little cleaning spree, and the whole living room was neat, sunlight and a breeze streaming in through the open windows.

"Isn't this great?" said Nick when he spotted him, taking a deep breath and spreading his arms out wide. "Something was really smelling funky in here, man. Um. Actually ... it might've been you. Good shower?"

"As showers go, not bad," AJ answered absently, turning in a little circle. "You know, if this singing thing doesn't work out for you, you'd make a great maid." He carefully didn't look at the corner where a few more items had been piled on top of the boxes. He carefully didn't look at Nick, standing in the sunshine and shining brighter than it ever could, either. "Did the food get here?"

Nick nodded his head, his eyes still closed as he basked in the sunlight. "I put it in the kitchen," he said. "It's only been here a couple minutes. I heard the shower go off, though, and figured you'd be down soon, so I didn't just help myself. I'm starving, though. They've been starving me on this tour, man, seriously."

"Somehow I doubt that," AJ said dryly. Nick looked fantastic, which was never the case when he was too thin. "My ears are still ringing from the hell you can raise when you're not getting fed enough. And it's not my fault that airline food sucks. Come on, let's go eat." He was a little worried about the state of the kitchen, but it seemed Nick had been busy there, too, and part of the table was cleared off.

"You didn't give me enough time to finish in here," Nick apologized as he opened up the takeout bag. "Still, that was a hell of a shower, man. You must have the biggest hot water tank on the block. You want pasta salad, man? I hate this shit ... " He handed over a random styrofoam container, but not before licking off his fingers of the bit that had spilled over the edge.

AJ closed his eyes briefly. Sarah had left well over a week ago, and it had been longer than that since they'd shared a bed, and Nick had a very pink tongue...he forced them back open, and took the pasta salad. "Yeah, give it here. Did you get it fried extra crispy? You know I hate that soggy shit." He paused for a moment to realize that Nick really DID know that, and smiled at him for real.

"Duh," said Nick, and grinned, and pulled the rest of the meal out of the bag. "Man, you're looking better already. Water and good food, that's all anyone ever needs. And sunshine, lots of sunshine." And he pulled the curtains in the kitchen open too.

"God," AJ blinked against the sudden light. "You do too much more of that, and you're gonna ruin that nice vampire reputation I had going for me." He grabbed the cole slaw, automatically put it aside for Sarah, and reached for the chicken, before realizing what he'd done. "Fuck." He slumped against the counter, ran a hand over his face. "I can't get used to her not being here."

"Hey," said Nick, and suddenly he was right there at AJ's side. "I know, man. It's gonna take a while. You've got all these ... habits, and stuff. But it's okay. You're okay. And things ... things will work out the way they were meant to."

"Fuck," AJ said again, low. "I was MEANT to not fuck up this time. I was MEANT to be getting married soon, and settling down, and being happy. Getting my fucking life back on track. Not this, this BULLshit." He clenched his hand into a fist, feeling muscles in his arm jump under Nick's hand. "I need a drink."

Nick curled a hand around the back of AJ's neck and pressed their foreheads together. "Your life is on track," he insisted, with quiet intensity. "You made a mistake. You admit that. You're dealing with that. But don't tell me she never made mistakes either. And if it was easier for her to leave than to stay here and work things out with you, well, then maybe her being gone is what's meant to be. Is the right choice, for the long run."

AJ bit back the first nasty, cutting retort he wanted to make, and then the second, and sighed. "Maybe she made mistakes," he admitted finally, when he had his tongue under control. "But she never cheated on me." The bleak honesty of that forced him away from Nick's comforting touch, and he busied himself grabbing plates. "As for my life being on track...what fucking life? She was my life. And now I ain't got one at all."

"Like hell you don't," said Nick grabbing his arm almost too forcefully. Desperately. "You have a hell of a life, AJ. And if she was your life, than what are the rest of us, huh? What am I?"

AJ blinked at him, astonished. "You," he finally answered, "are the annoying brat who's making me eat something. And a huge pain in the ass." He couldn't help the little smile he felt pulling at his lips. "And maybe, okay, you and the fellas are my life, too. Just...you've all been in the background, you know? When was the last time we all hung out? Without someone screaming? It's not quite the same as having a fiancee. Sorry."

"Yeah, well, speaking of mistakes," said Nick, sighing and looseing his grip. "We've all made some, Aje. And we can't change that, we just have to ... well, make up for it, I guess. Do what we can to make things right. And you ... you should eat something before it gets cold."

"You first," AJ murmured, looking at the chicken. "There's nothing to make right, kiddo. Just life happening, like it happens to everyone." He patted Nick's shoulder. "No one's fault, you know? But it's good to see you. It's been good hearing from Howie, too." It had been, too. Like a reconnection to everything he'd had before.

"Well, yeah ... life happens," agreed NIck. "And we have to make the best of it. Every moment is a fresh start, right? So, you know, make one. Things have happened that you can't control, but you still have your life and you get to choose what you do with it."

"Wow, you HAVE been in therapy," AJ said dryly. "Easier said than done, you know? Especially when you've got no plans and no life. Hey, you need an extra roadie on your tour? I can haul amps with the best of 'em." He picked at the chicken with restless fingers; suddenly, the thought of staying in this house felt completely stifling.

"Sure," said Nick, finally helping himself to something to eat, swinging himself into a kitchen chair. "I mean, not hauling amps or anything. But just, you know, *there*. We could do some writing together or something, for the next album. And hey, don't mock the therapy, man."

"I wouldn't," AJ assured him. "Well, maybe a little, but only cuz I've been there." He shrugged a little. "I wouldn't want to come and just hang out, you know? It'd be just like being here, only instead of watching nothing happen, I'd be watching shit happen and doing nothing. Not exactly an improvement. Plus, I bet you're pretty busy."

Nick shrugged. "I guess," he said slowly. "I just ... I'm kinda lonely too, AJ. It would be nice, to have you there with me. I mean, I like the guys in the band just fine, they're just ... they're not you guys. They couldn't be. And I wasn't kidding about the writing ... "

"That might be cool," AJ said slowly, considering it. Though he didn't believe for a minute that Nick was actually lonely. "For a couple of days, at least, might be nice to get on the road again. Kind of a refresher for if we ever tour again." He shoved the chicken at Nick. "Eat this, you bastard, before your blood sugar gets low and you freak out. That's SO not what I need right now."

"I'm eating," insisted Nick, but he didn't hesitate to grab himself another piece of chicken, AJ noticed. "I want you to come, AJ, but only if you want to. I mean ... I want you there. But if you're gonna hate it or something then it's okay. I'll just call you a lot, or whatever. They have video phones now, kinda, right? Except ... I always thought those could potentially be a real bad idea."

"Why?" AJ grinned at him. "You still jerk off when you're on the phone?" He grabbed another piece himself while Nick sputtered indignantly. "I wouldn't hate it. Might be a good time. You sure your new band won't flip out if I'm hangin' around all the time?"

"Nah, they don't care," said Nick. "S'not like we hang out together or anything. I mean, we do! They're cool, they're fun. But we just don't ... they're not always around or anything. It's not like a big family thing. And I do *not* jerk off when I'm on the phone with you. I don't."

"You used to," AJ said dryly. "An' when you were on the phone with Howie, and Justin, and Manda, and-" He had to break off to dodge Nick's slap, laughing. "Dude, you weren't subtle, okay? We all knew! It's not a big deal or nothing."

"Man," said Nick, looking down and shaking his head, and no one AJ knew blushed quite as fiercely as Nick did. "But okay, I'm not sixteen anymore, you know. And I was just thinking, like, when I answer the phone first thing in the morning? No one needs to be seein' that."

"Yeah, because rumpled sleepy just-out-of-bed is such a terrible look on you." AJ rolled his eyes. "Whatever. Quit fishing for compliments, you know you're beautiful. Anyway, though, no phone calls, got it. And if your band won't hate you for it, maybe I will come hang for a while. See how the other half lives."

"Yeah?" said Nick, and he looked genuinely pleased at the news. "Wow, AJ, I totally wasn't expecting that. That's *great*. You can just come with me tomorrow. And then you can see the rumpled, sleepy, just-out-of-bed look on me in person and remember just how *not* great it is."

"Uh, yeah," AJ said slowly, imagining it and then trying not to. "Just call Howard so he doesn't think I've offed myself in the bathroom or something when I don't answer my phone. He's getting so p aranoid in his old age." He tossed the chicken bone at the trash, and didn't care too much when he missed. "It'll be good to get away from here. Thanks, man." And maybe, after Nick got sick of babysitting him, he'd go spend time with his mom.

"It'll be good to have you there," said Nick again. "There's a lotta ... a lot of things I've missed, you know? Not having someone there that I really cared about. That I could share this whole thing with. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm loving it like crazy, what I'm doing here, but ... it'll just be. Better. With you around, too."

"Awww." AJ patted him. "You're sweet, you know that? Makin' me feel better about this whole mess I've just dumped on you. I can't wait to see a show, babe. You always could work a crowd like nobody else. Except maybe me." He smirked a little. "Our little boy's a big grown up rock star, now."

"Damn straight!" said Nick, and grinned at him. "Or not-so, as the case may be. But you know ... this isn't just for you, you know. I'm actually being really selfish. I want you to myself for a while."

"Well, you're gonna have me," AJ sighed. "Bruises, warts, nightmares and all. I was thinkin' I could go see my mom, after, too. Kind of touch base back home, see Howie." Not come back here, hung unspoken for a moment. "So don't worry about kickin' me out if you start feeling crowded, okay? I know you, you're not THAT selfish."

"Not gonna kick you out," said Nick, and he sounded convinced of that. "But, i mean, you *mom*. I'm not gonna stop you from seeing your mom. Howie, though ... well, Howie might be another story." He gave AJ another grin and checked to see if there was any more chicken. "And hey, you know, we *will* have time together. To talk or whatever. Cause I want you to be happy again, but I want you to be able to talk to me about the sad stuff, too."

"I'm gonna tell Howie you said that," AJ threatened idly. "He'll be pissed. Also, probably, that you beat him to the punch, getting here and dragging me away. But he's not proactive like you are. His loss." He handed Nick the last piece of chicken, still avoiding the cole slaw. "As for the sad stuff, I've said what I'm gonna say. I fucked up, she's gone, the end. Nothing more to it than that."

"Lots more to say than that," insisted Nick. "But I know I can't make you. You have to come to terms with it on your own, and stuff. And find your own ways to express it. And ... well, Howie cares a whole lot, he loves you, man, but he doesn't know you like I do, you know? He doesn't quite ... get it. That feeling of fucked-upness that's just so fucking hard to get past sometimes."

"No, Howie doesn't fuck up, not like me," AJ agreed, sighing. "But if I go see him, he'll give me pity sex, and that's something. And, he doesn't pry." He grinned wolfishly at Nick. "Unlike some people I could mention. But it'll be good, hitting the road again, even on a tour that ain't mine. Yours seems pretty high energy. Where's your next show?"

"You don't need pity sex," said Nick, kicking at AJ's foot gently, hanging on that point. "You don't need pity at all. You need someone who gets it right now. And someone who's willing to stand up to you once in a while, you fucker. And someone who's willing to maybe give you what you really need."

"Baby, *I* don't even know what I really need," AJ scolded him, kicking him back. "Ain't nothing wrong with a pity fuck between friends on the rebound. Howie's still not over that Christian guy, y'know. Therapy-sex, it'll be fine." In fact, it sounded better than fine. Howie didn't poke at sore places, and never ever forced him to talk. He was just sweet and quiet and peaceful and accepting. Howie would not have cleaned his living room. "People standing up to you is highly overrated. It makes you *think*." He shuddered a little.

"I like you better when you're willing to think," said Nick, and that was just a little bit more candid than AJ had been expecting. "I think it makes you a better person, a great person. I mean, you've come *so* far, knowing yourself and being yourself. I think you're fantastic, AJ. And pity sex is cheap. You're better than that. You deserve someone who's willing to make it something more than pity."

"Ohhh-kay," AJ said, a little taken aback. "Well, that's a little deeper than I was really going with this, but fine. How about this then, I won't call it pity sex, I'll call it hanging with one of my friends and taking some physical comfort from the whole thing? It's rebound sex, Nick, it's not cheap. It's just...what it is. Friendly. No strings attached." He winced a little at that, and slapped himself on the forehead.

"Rebound sex is fine," said Nick, shaking his head like AJ wasn't getting it. "It's just, you know, *pity* sex. Pity. That's not cool, AJ, that's not what you need, someone to pity you. I sure as hell don't. And ... jeez, AJ. It's not like you have to go all the way to Howie to get what you need."

"What, you offering?" AJ laughed at his own joke. "Okay, pull the other one, Carter. Shit, I know I could go out tonight and bring home five girls. Five guys, for that matter. But you're right, pity sex's pathetic, unless you're with someone you actually like, and who more or less needs it too. Howie don't pity me any more than I pity him." He was a little stung by the suggestion that he might.

"Yeah, I kind of was," said Nick quietly. "Offering, I mean. Wasn't really expecting you to laugh about it, though. I mean, I know I'm not god's gift and all, but it would be good."

AJ knew his mouth was hanging open, it probably looked really stupid, but he couldn't seem to close it. "I. You. What?" Not very coherent, but at least he was speaking. "You weren't *serious.* It was a joke, right?"

"Why would it be a joke?" said Nick, and *he* certainly wasn't laughing. "You can say no thanks, you know. I won't be crushed or anything. "No" would be better than laughing."

"I was laughing at the JOKE," AJ insisted, his mind fixing on that point. "Not at, you know. Nicky." He reached out and touched Nick's arm, very carefully. "Baby, you're flying high. You're, like, this shining happy guy right now, okay? And I love seeing it, and being with me, well, that's the last possible thing you need right now. I'd bring you down so fast your ears would pop."

"Or I would bring you up," said Nick, shaking his head. "That shiny happy guy is inside me now. He's me. He's not just because things are going good right now, or anything that's just in the moment. It's in me because I'm happy with me. And nothing you can do can, like, ruin that. Not even dim that. So if you'd rather go to Howie, then okay, but don't say no to me just because you have doubts about *yourself*."

"Kiddo, doubts about myself are all I've got right now," AJ answered automatically, his mind still in a whirl. "Believe me, what goes up CAN come down, I'm living proof, and I don't wanna see that happen to you. It's got nothing to do with wanting you, you've gotta know that." AJ had had a poorly-concealed hard-on for Nick for years, now.

"You don't get it," said NIck. "*You* can't bring me down. Only I can bring me down. It's a choice, it's in *my* power. And getting down over this is something that I'm just not going to choose. I'm not letting you cop out on this, AJ, now that it's on the table. You need to make your own choice. You either tell me you don't want it, or you tell me you do and we kind find out just how up it can be."

AJ fought down the hysterical giggle and dirty double entendre that was the first thing to mind, and took a deep breath. "Okay. Okay, look. You walk into my house, you're the first person I've seen in...over a week, and then you drop this huge fuckin' anvil on my head. It might be on the table, but I'm not just gonna eenie-meenie-miney-mo this. You're too important to me to do that anyway." And that was some kind of admission; he only wished he knew of what. "I'm gonna need a little time to think about this."

"Oh, geez," said Nick, and suddenly he was grinning again and rubbing his forehead with one hand. "You know ... this really isn't what I planned when I came over here. Not even close. I just wanted to, you know, see you. Hang out with you again. But then you kinda opened the door to this and ... well, I came barrelling inside, I guess."

"You guess?" AJ shook his head, disbelieving. "Shit, Nick, talk about springing something on a guy. Is there any possible way that we can forget we had this conversation for the next couple of hours, and just go watch crappy television? I think my brain needs a short recess."

"Yeah, yeah," said Nick, waving a hand vaguely in the air. "Sure. I didn't mean for it to be all traumatic or something, AJ. I just ... you know. Whatever. I guess I thought it might be a good thing."

"It's just kind of a shock," AJ said dryly, finally regaining his feet in the conversation. "It's not every day some guy you've known since he was 12 lets you know he'd be up for some fuckbuddy action, you know? I bet it'd be fantastic, but I still gotta think about it." He pulled Nick into a quick hug. No awkwardness allowed, not between them. "Come on, I think Oprah's on in a couple minutes. That'll make all my problems look piddly."

"I just want it on the record that I was willing to watch Oprah with you," Nick said, pulling AJ back again and squeezing him hard. "I really didn't think it would be so much of a shock either. And, well, you know I've been single for-fucking ever."

"Nick, you're a gay man," AJ snickered. "Of course you watch Oprah. I didn't even twist your arm!" He squeezed back just as hard, letting his head rest against Nick's shoulder for one, completely comfortable moment. "You have been single a while. Clearly the world is populated with blind people. It's really the only explanation."

"Or I've gotten pickier in my old age," suggested Nick, seeming unwilling to let him go for a moment. "Okay. Fine. You're right. I haven't been asked. But that's not the point. The point is ... the point is, I do *not* watch Oprah."

"Uh-huh." AJ chuckled into Nick's shoulder. "Okay, fine, we'll let that one pass. And you can't tell me you've been celibate that whole time, because I just won't believe you. Not a chance. I bet you've been asked plenty of times, and you just didn't notice. Clueless boy."

"I don't need cheering up about it," said Nick. "I mean, if that's what you're trying to do. I'm not upset or anything. I'm pretty okay with it. And also, not the point. I'm not clueless!"

"Yeah, you kind of are," AJ said, still amused. "But that's cool, it's part of your charm. I'm not trying to cheer you up, I'm just sayin'. Clueless." He rubbed his cheek against the softness of Nick's t-shirt, then pulled back a little. "Oprah awaits," he said, with a brisk smile. "Did you order anything desserty with all that chicken?"

"I did not," said Nick apologetically. "I should have. Maybe you got something in the freezer? Chocolate cake? Something? I didn't know you were gonna be eating, man, this is great. Lemme find something else to feed you."

"All of a sudden I'm starving," AJ admitted. "I don't keep cake in the freezer, though, man. That's just strange. You can rummage all you want, I'm going to sit down and digest." If there was one good thing about having Nick around, startling revelations and all, it was that he hadn't thought of Sarah once in the last fifteen minutes. Which was a recent record.

"Dude, they make freezer cakes, you know," said Nick. "Don't you ever got to the grocery store, man? They have, like, racks of 'em. They're yummy, too. But you must have *some*thing. If it was me, *I* would have something."

"Ah, but I'm not you," AJ tossed over his shoulder at Nick as he headed out of the kitchen. "And you were not recently living with a woman on a wedding-dress diet." He paused briefly to let the pain come and go, and then kept on walking. "There might be frozen yogurt or something, I dunno."

"Oh good god," said Nick, turning right around and joining AJ. "Remember that year I was on that awful diet and the only dessert-type thing I could have was, like, yogurt? I swore never to have it again. You must have some place you call to get something edible..."

"You've seen the menus I've got, I don't think anyplace delivers just dessert," AJ sighed, sinking onto the couch. "Forget it, I'm pretty full anyway. Just sit, relax, quit flying around here like the ghost of housewives past. I just ate three pieces of fried chicken, it's not like I'm about to faint from hunger or anything."

"No, no way, now that you've said dessert, I want some," Nick insisted. "And believe me, sweetheart, there are places that deliver dessert. *Good* dessert. You just have to find them."

AJ threw up his hands. "Fine! But I don't know of any in LA, and you don't live here, so how are you gonna find them?" He narrowed his eyes at Nick. "And don't you call that Timberlake kid for insider information, that's cheating."

"You got a phone book?" said Nick, lifting an eyebrow at him. "And I'm not calling Justin. I'm not even *talking* to Justin. Not since ... whatever."

"Phone book's by the phone," AJ pointed, eyeing Nick closely. "Really? I thought you two were tight again, or whatever. Sure seemed that way." He draped himself over the couch, and clicked on the TV, leaving the volume low.

"Yeah, well, we *were*," said Nick, a little too vaguely. "And now we're *not*. You get me?"

"Clear as mud," AJ nodded thoughtfully. "Not gonna bug you for details, but if he was an ass, I can go smack him around for you, or whatever."

"He wasn't an ass," said Nick, and sighed. "He just had a great one. A great one in high demand, and I wasn't at the top of that list."

"Ohhhhh," the light dawned. "Well, the kid always did want to sow some wild oats, as I recall, and it's not like he ever had the chance to before. But if he wasn't an ass, why the big silence? Besides you having an ass ten times better than his, I mean."

"Yeah, whatever," snorted Nick, then shook his head and took a deep breath. "Sorry. It's just a bit of a sore point. We just haven't ... it's been awkward, is all. We'll get past it."

"Good," AJ said briefly, and tilted his head at the television. "C'mon, they're doing makeovers. We'll avoid all the sore points and laugh at the freaks, how about? You can order dessert later."

"I hate makeovers," muttered Nick, but he curled himself onto the couch next to AJ a moment later. "You look good, AJ. LIke ... really good. Especially now that you've showered."

AJ snickered. "Well, thanks for that, I guess. I'd hate to offend." He glanced sideways at Nick. "You're lookin' pretty good yourself, you know. Healthy, happy, gorgeous, all that. Seems like this solo thing is agreeing with you, huh?"

"Yeah," admitted Nick softly. "It's been ... I've grown so much, AJ. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I have. That's what's made me the happiest, just, you know, doing what I love and knowing myself and accepting who I am. Happy, healthy Nick. I'll fight you on gorgeous, though."

"Dumbass," AJ argued affectionately. "It all goes together with happy and healthy. Not that sullen didn't work for you, too." He elbowed Nick lightly. "I'm glad. I know it was tough, at first, with the fellas and all, but we're behind you, you know? Seriously fuckin' happy for you. Me most of all."

"Yeah, thanks," said Nick, soft and sincere. "It was real tough. A lot of things were real tough. But getting through it was worth it. And you know it's the same with you, AJ. Tough getting through, bur worth it."

AJ shrugged. "Different circumstances, different rules. I've been dumped before, you know, I know it'll probably get better eventually. At least I can be pretty sure she won't go to Penthouse." His mouth twisted bitterly. "I won't put bets on her mom, though. That woman thinks I'm the devil."

"Damn, AJ," said Nick, bouncing a little on the couch as he got comfortable. "You sure do like to feel sorry for yourself, huh?"

"Hey, no one can pity you like yourself," AJ shot back, scowling. "And it's not like I'm enjoying the shit out of myself here, you know. Her mom sent me hate e-mail. I'm not just making this up."

"I don't think you're making it up," said Nick. "I think you're wallowing. And hell, you're entitled to wallow, man. But I don't have to sit here and listen to it. You can talk to me about this, which you're welcome to do, or you can suck it up and realize that life goes on and shit happens."

"Don't make me kick your ass," AJ growled at him. "You're big but I've got years of practice. Now shut the hell up and watch the makeovers. I'll try not to wallow, as you so pleasantly call it, if you promise not to push me to *talk* about it."

"You're frustrating, you know that?" said Nick. "I mean, of course you know that, you live with yourself all the time. It's hard to miss. But you drive me fucking nuts sometimes."

"Ditto," AJ bared his teeth at him. "With interest." He had to pause, and chuckle, though, at his next thought. "Poor Kevin." He shook his head.

"Careful, I bite back," said Nick, and grunted at him. "Can't I do anything to make you be pleasant right now? Seriously? Cause this has really gone downhill fast, Aje."

AJ felt his eyebrows go up. "Did you really *expect* me to be in a pleasant mood when you showed up here? How many years have you known me, anyway?" He sighed, though, and shrugged. "Probably not, to answer you, but I won't bite if you don't."

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