Mental Hospital AU 2

"Over here, over here!" Joey was waving with big arm gestures, hopping up and down to get their attention. "See, I've got a table, right here and everything, and it's all ours!"

Nick took the watch and just pocketed it; he wouldn't have cared much if Chris kept it. That was just... Chris. Fucked up as it was. "Sitting on me makes me sick," he said, and gave Chris a smile, and only in this fucking place would that kind of macabre, inappropriate humour be just fine. "I think Joey's ready for us. Do you think?"

"I think, yeah," Chris said, grinning at his joke with rolling eyes. "I think he'll probably break something if we don't get over there soon, too. We're coming, Joe!" He moved closer to Nick and slipped a friendly hand into the back pocket of his jeans, pinching Nick's ass lightly, letting the mood turn lighter. "I can't believe we said we'd tell him private stuff. He's just gonna go tell everyone else, you know."

"I know, I know," said Nick, shaking his head. "We don't need to tell him private stuff about us, we just need to... explain the whole boy-on-boy thing to him, in a little more detail." Which didn't mean Joey wasn't going to run and tell everyone about what he learned, but at least he wouldn't be able to, say, describe Nick's dick to them. "And that it's private. Again and again."

"I honestly don't think that'll matter," Chris said bluntly, herding him towards Joey and nodding at Kevin on his way by. Kevin didn't even blink. "He understands the mechanics of sex well enough anyway, at least I know he's had it with women. It's all the other stuff that he doesn't understand, and I think that's what makes it so fascinating. That and the fact he likes it so much, anyway."

"Chris, Nick," Joey said happily, like they'd been gone a year. "We're going to play poker, right?"

"Right, poker," said Nick as he found himself a seat, catching two of Chris's fingers and hooking his own around them for a moment. "Whatever you want, Joe, we promised you we'd play. So what are we playing for today?"

"I got things," Joey announced proudly, digging into his pockets and coming out with pennies, pushpins, a few battered poker chips, some pieces of string, a handful of pills that made Chris startle, an old bent key, a battered picture of a naked woman. "We can all use them, there's plenty!"

"Where'd you get these?" Chris asked casually, staring at the pile, fingers moving towards the pills. "That's a lot of stuff, Joey."

"Everywhere," he said casually. "People are always leaving stuff around, if you're watching." Nick figured that was something Chris knew quite well. "And sometimes people give me their pills and then I just keep them because I don't take other people's pills. This one right here is Nick's pill--" He pointed at a small, white round one. "--you remember, Nick?"

"The doctor was supposed to take that away, not you, Joey," said Nick, a bit nervously.

"I know, but he left it behind, you remember? And so I added it to my collection so I have lots of things to play with."

"From the hands of babes," Chris murmured, hand casually covering some of the pills before they disappeared. Just a few, not enough for Joey to notice. "That's really good, Joey, that you don't take other peoples' pills. That's really smart."

"Yeah?" Joey's face lit up at the idea of doing something smart. "That's what I thought too, and anyway the doctor told me really seriously that I shouldn't, so I remember that all the time, that it's a really important rule."

At least Joey did know which rules were important sometimes. Because he really wasn't dumb, Nick knew he wasn't, sometimes the stuff that came out of Joey's mouth was astonishing, but that was one of the parts of him that didn't really grasp what was obvious to almost everyone else.

"I was talking to Nurse Dana again today," Joey said, dividing up the loot, "and I heard someone on the phone say that someone new is coming. Do you think he'll be nice? Like Justin?"

Nick was just glad Joey had veered the conversation away from him, whether intentionally or not.

"I hope so," Chris said. "It would suck if we got another Lance in here. Or even another Kevin. Sometimes I think Kevin oughtta be in the other ward." He made a face at the thought of the severe disorder ward, where they kept the people who probably wouldn't ever recover, and who couldn't be trusted to feed themselves or even dress themselves. "Maybe not. He's okay, Kevin most of the time. But anyway, yeah, I didn't know we had somebody new coming in, but I hope he's cool." He grabbed the cards and started shuffling with deft fingers, settling into a chair.

Nick just hoped he wasn't so cool as to take *all* of Chris's attention, not when Chris's attention was one of the only things keeping him going right now. "I hope he's anothe rgood one, too," he added, for his part. "But not like Justin. Someone who I don't have to worry about completely flipping out over little things." Nick could hear Chris's typical reponse to that before he said a word: 'This *is* a psych ward, Nick, have you forgotten?'

"This *is* a psych ward, Nicky," Chris said, right on cue, and looked a little confused when Nick snickered. "Glad to see our insanity amuses you." But his eyes were warm when he looked at Nick.

"Pie and poker," Joey said abruptly, "and sometimes sexy things, and Chris, those make Nick smile. I'm making a list for everyone. The only thing that makes Lance smile so far is fire, though, and Kevin doesn't at all. I hope the new guy is a little happier. Sometimes everyone being so upset is kind of a downer around here, you know?" He shook his head sadly.

Nick hadn't even been sure that Joey had known what a downer *was*, until he said that. He'd never seen Joey down for more than a moment, really. "Yeah," he said finally, pretty much to everything Joey had said. Yeah, those were the things that made him smile. Yeah, he hoped that the new guy was someone who he could relate to a little more than most people here.

"What's your flavor?" Chris asked, dealing five card stud before being asked. "One item ante."

"Can we play strip poker?" Joey asked with a grin and a bounce. "Huh, can we?"

"Private," Chris reminded him shaking his head. "Nakedness is private, Joey."

"I'm tired of that word." Joey sounded abruptly a little sulky. "It's stupid, people just say it when they don't want me to know stuff." Which was patently untrue, but Nick could see how it might get frustrating for Joey, who truly didn't understand.

"Remember, we're going to tell you later," Nick reminded him, trying to stay patient for him because it was Joey. He didn't think he would have, for anyone else.

"Are we going to get naked later?"

"No, probably not," admitted Nick, though honestly he wasn't a hundred percent sure it wouldn't come to that, in the end. "Maybe."

"Oh my," Chris huffed, half-laughing and half-shaking his head.

"Really? Maybe really?" Joey's sunny smile was back, and he happily scanned his cards, discarding two and nodding for Chris to give him more. "Oh, that'll be good, that'll be really good, I think. Because I had this dream, did I tell you, Chris? You were naked and I was bouncing on my bed, only there was all pillows on the bed so it was really soft, and I was all hard, you know, when your penis gets-"

"See what you've done?" Chris murmured to Nick, but he was grinning a little, staring hard at his clothes.

"That's what we're going to talk about *later*, Joey," Nick reminded him. Chris always dealt him crap hands; now he remembered why he never played poker with the two of them. They always kicked his ass. A pair of fours was all that was worth anything in there. "Why did I agree to this again?"

"The game, or the talk?" Chris wanted to know, tossing two cards of his own, dealing Nick three new cards. "I have no idea, either way. Joe, I'll see your pushpin and raise you a Paxil." He grinned at Nick.

"Okay," Joey said seriously. "Maybe the new guy will want to hear about my dream." He tossed another pill onto the pile, holding his cards close to his chest.

Nick dreaded the thought of the new guy listening to Joey's dreams, though at least it would mean Joey had a new audience. "You're killing me here, guys," he said, matching them. Thank god they weren't betting for real money or anything; Nick would be folding every time. Though there were a couple of pills he wouldn't mind getting his hands on, in there.

Chris scanned his cards, scanned Joey's cheerfully blank face, and sighed. "I'm not going to raise again, I'm staying." He looked at Joey and Nick, both of whom shook their heads. "Pair of jacks," he showed, and Joey grinned.

"Full house." He spread them out, looked at Nick.

"How does he do that?" Nick asked Chris, spreading out his impressive pair of fours for them. Chris just shrugged back, and Nick watched Joey collect his pins and pills back with a gleeful smile on his face. "How do you do that?"

Joey shrugged too, his smile never faltering. "I always was good at cards, I don't know why," he said, happily sorting his loot into small piles. "My brother wanted to take me to Vegas one time, you know? And I thought that would be fun and neat, and I like lights, only mom and poppa said no, because it was a den of niquity or something like that, and Steve was pissed, and then people yelled a lot and I never got to go to Vegas. They say girls wear just FEATHERS there." He looked at them wide-eyed, clearly amazed by the very idea.

Chris shuffled and dealt again, listening closely, smiling.

"I've never been to Vegas," murmured Nick, the idea of girls in just feathers not nearly as appealing to him as it clearly was to Joey. "My brother sang there once, though. He called me and told me about it, afterward. It didn't seem right, though -- my brother's just this li'l kid, and my mom had him singing around girls dressed in feathers, you know?"

"I'd love to sing around girls in feathers," Joey said dreamily, smiling. "Your brother's really lucky, getting to see that. Why's it...oh, that's what my doctor was telling me about, right? That little kids shouldn't do sexy stuff or hear sexy things till they're older, right?" He looked like he was thinking hard, then nodded. "I got beat up one time because there was a little kid standing there when I asked a girl about why her skirt was so short I could see her vagi-"

"Joey," Chris sighed. "That's right, little kids shouldn't see that stuff, not till they're old enough to understand it, it's a grown-up thing." His mouth was tight. "That doesn't mean it's okay for someone to beat you up."

"I got sent here after that," Joey said sadly. "I miss my mom."

"You'll see her soon," Nick assured him, when he wasn't sure of that at all. When was the last time Joey'd seen his family...? "And it's not so bad here. It's how we learn how to... how to be like everyone else, I guess."

"I know I'm not like everyone else," Joey blurted out suddenly, looking up to meet Nick's eyes. "I just don't know why."

"You're special," Chris said gently. "You're a good person, Joey, don't worry about that. And none of us know why we're not like everyone else, not really. So we just keep trying." He folded his hand of cards and put them face-down on the table, looking between Joey and Nick. "It doesn't mean we're not good people. Any of us."

"I guess so," Joey said, subdued, eyes still on Nick. "I just wish people were happy here. Everyone's so sad, except me, they said I'm too dumb to know I'm retarded, but I know, I can tell."

"You're *not* though!" protested Nick, a little more vehemently than he meant to. "You've read fucking War and Peace, Joey! You're not dumb and you're not retarded. You're just... different. Everyone's different, and Chris's right, sometimes different is good. Sometimes different is better."

"Like you're good, right, Nick?" said Joey, picking up his cards. "I still wish I coulda gone to Vegas."

"Like Nick," Chris nodded firmly before Nick could protest. "And who knows, Joey, when we all get out of here, maybe we'll all go to Vegas. We'll have a party and see the girls in the feathers, and have drinks with fruit in them and play the slot machines." He winked at Nick. "Some of us will look at girls in feathers, some of us will look at boys in feathers, it'll be really fun."

"I thought the boys wore loincloths?" said Nick, looking at his cards. He didn't even have so much as a pair this time. Just a jack-high. "That's what my brother told me. I hope now that he's getting famous they'll protect him from that kinda stuff that he's not ready for."

"Feathers, loincloths," Chris's shrug indicated he didn't see much of a difference between the two. "And you know they will, Nick. People will be keeping a close eye on him. He's probably going to be doing much better, actually, because I bet the record company will make him get another manager and stuff. They'll look out for him."

"Give me three," Joey asked, setting his three discards down. "Was your brother looking at the boys because he's like you and Chris?"

"Uh," said Nick, blinking a couple of times at the question, "I think he was looking at the boys because they were hard to miss, is all. Same with the girls. He's not really... I don't think he's old enough to know which he likes yet. I hope he does get a new manager, one who knows how to treat kids right. I guess I'll only know if I see it on TV, though, huh."

"Yeah. Or you could call him," Chris suggested. Chris was always after him to be more aggressive when it came to contact with the members of his family that he wanted to talk to, but then, Chris was naturally just sort of aggressive anyway. "You should totally. Now that you know he's getting bigger, they can't just lock you up like some dirty little secret, you know."

"You're not dirty at ALL," Joey added helpfully. "You take showers every day, I bet, and you don't smell funny."

"Thanks, Joe," said Nick kindly, throwing in three cards. "That's sweet of you. But remember, Chris, they moved. So I, like, don't have the number anymore. I *am* the family secret and none of them really want to remember I'm around anymore."

"You could still fight that," Chris said stubbornly, finally betting once he'd stared at his cards for long enough. "but whatever. It's your family, it's your little brother." He watched Joey, who, as always, gave absolutely nothing away.

"We like having you around here anyway," Joey said stoutly, nodding his head and patting Nick's hand. "It wouldn't be as fun without you here, you're my favorite Nick I've ever met."

"Do you *know* any other Nick's?" he asked him, not entirely sure he wanted to know the answer.

"Oh, I do!" Joey said, though. "I do! I know lots of Nick, and even more if you count the Nicks on TV. And you're my favourite, ever."

"Well, thanks," said Nick awkwardly, staring at his second crap hand in a row, and pushing forward a penny after a few more moments of thought. Why not? "You're my favourite Joey."

"Oh!" Joey lit up like the sun, getting up from his chair and hurrying around the table to Nick's side, throwing his arms around him and squeezing him tight. "Oh, that's so cool! Thank you, Nick!"

Chris snickered after taking a look at Nick's face. "Joe, quit molesting my boyfriend, sit down, so we can keep playing cards. I'm gonna raise that penny by a ball of string."

"F-fold," said Nick immediately, staring at Chris even though Chris was no longer looking back. Joey gave him another hug before returning to his seat. Chris just called Nick his boyfriend, actually used the word, and that was something new. He kept staring until the silence started to get him attention, then quickly dragged his eyes away again. "I'm terrible at this."

"You really are," Chris agreed instantly, nodding. "Even worse than me, which is why I keep playing with you two. Joey kicks my ass, but at least I'm not the worst one at the table. I wonder if Justin plays cards? We could make it a foursome."

"I wonder if Justin plays cards GOOD," Joey said, taking the pot again. "I always end up with all the stuff at the end, and that's no fun, except that winning's fun, but not all the time, or it gets boring. Sometimes."

"Justin would never touch the stuff that came out of Joey's pocket," Nick reminded them, glancing at the growing pile of "stuff" in front of Joey. "We'd have to get someone to stock us up with some real poker chips or something. And they probably wouldn't, because they suck."

"I don't know," Chris mused, also looking at Joey's loot. "There's not much bad you could do with poker chips, unless you swallowed 'em and choked."

"Or like that one guy who took that plastic thing and broke it and killed himself," Joey nodded. "Like, he made a sharp edge and managed to cut open his arm and there was that guy here, you remember Fred, he thought he was a cat? And he found him and started screaming and there was a thing, but other than that I think they should let us have poker chips, even though people seem to like the pills better." He offered one to Chris. "These blue ones are the ones you like, right?"

It was Nick's turn to raise his eyebrows a little, at Joey's catch. "While they might get us poker chips," he said finally, "I don't think they'd hand out extra medication so we can gamble with it. What are the blue ones?"

"I don't know, but I remember Chris likes them, or maybe that was the pink ones, but I'm pretty sure it was blue." Joey fiddled with the pills in front of him, sorting them by color.

"The blue ones are a mild sedative," Chris said quietly, pocketing it. "Might give me a day of grace before things go wild in my head." He shoved the cards at Joey, who started shuffling them deftly.

"You've still got some time," Nick murmured. "Lots of it, maybe, Chris." He slipped his hand under the table and took Chris's, lacing their fingers. "Hope for the best, okay? I am."

"Are you guys doing something sexy?" said Joey, and the only thing surprising about him saying that was that he whispered it to them, like he finally got that it was something that didn't need to be said to the whole room. But he was still including himself in the 'private'.

"Nope, just sweet," Chris murmured, smiling sideways at Nick and giving his hand a little squeeze. "Remember, we don't do sexy things when other people are around. Nick's holding my hand. "

Joey smiled at them both, and for the first time Nick thought he could see something wistful in it, not just openly happy or suggestive. "That's nice," he said quietly. "Nick's nice. My sister dated someone nice like Nick once, he always smiled at me and brought me comic books and held her hand like that, and she smiled at him kind of like you smile at Nick, all with her eyes and stuff."

Nick bit his lip and squeezed back and was almost surprised by the little bit of happiness that came bubbling up, hearing that. It was always so surprising, too, the things that Joey saw that no one else did; like when he wasn't wasting time doing all the things that society expected a person to do, he was busy getting something deeper. "It sounds like she really liked him," he said, turning his smile on Joey. But a different smile, for such a different relationship. "Are we still playing? I'm feeling lucky this hand."

"She did really like him," Joey nodded a lot, and enthusiastically, with the lack of restraint he showed in most of his actions. "I think she really still does, but he moved away, and now they're just friends, but I think he's gonna come back and marry her someday or something, and my mama told me I could come to the wedding no matter what, no matter how crazy I am, because family should all be there. But then my sister smacked her and said she's never getting married." He dealt the cards carefully.

"Smart sister," Chris muttered, still smiling, and held Nick's hand just a little bit tighter before letting go to pick up his hand.

"Well, you never know," said Nick, glancing at his cards and trying not to smile. He had a terrible poker face. "Sometimes people say exactly the opposite of what they mean."

"Why?" said Joey, stopping to stare at him expectantly.

"I don't know," said Nick honestly. "I think sometimes because they don't want to believe that what's true is true. And sometimes because they want other people to have to figure it out."

This concept was clearly so foreign to Joey that he couldn't even process it, since he stared at Nick blankly for a long moment and then looked at Chris. "Do you want to watch the movie with me tonight? They're showing it with the projector in the big room, and you and Nick could come and watch it and maybe sit in the back with me and I could watch you guys." His face flushed and he shifted in his seat a little, licking his lips. "It's not not-private to do stuff if it's dark, right?"

"Maybe we should have that talk before the movie, answer some questions," Chris suggested easily, one eye on Nick's reaction to his cards, the other eye on Joey. "Then maybe it won't be so interesting."

"I think that's probably a good idea," agreed Nick, still struggling to keep his face straight.

"Okay," said Joey happily. "I'm looking forward to that, too, because maybe everyone is going to get naked and I can see sexy things and that's a lot of fun, right? I always thought it was lots more fun than almost anything else."

"I still think we should just show him porn," Chris muttered, the high arch of his cheekbones flushing red. "It'd be safer and less embarrassing and frankly I'm getting the impression this talk is gonna negate my whole 'private' argument, if there's going to be a live demo." He tossed two cards, and picked up two more.

"I'm always safe," Joey boasted. "I don't put my penis in anything unless it's wearing a condom, because my doctor told me that it's like a coat for it, and would I go outside in the really cold without a coat? No! So it's just like that." He took another card himself.

Nick just about choked, hearing that, but in the end he managed to keep his cool. Mostly. "Right, just like that," he finally agreed, because there was no way he wanted to dissuade Joey from that sensible bit of advice. "This talk isn't going to involve putting anyone's penis in anything, though. I think Chris is talking about a different kind of safe."

"Oh." Joey looked slightly deflated and more than a little disappointed. "I don't know what kind of safe, then."

"It's okay," Chris told him, finally recovering his composure, which had almost completely disappeared at Joey's coat comment. "We'll make sure you get to ask all the questions you want, and we'll answer everything we can. Even if it is p-p-penis free." He dissolved into giggles, then, hiding his face in his hands.

"Chris!" said Nick, elbowing him in the side. "Joey..." He sighed and lay down his cards for a moment. "Okay, Joey, here's how it's going to go. And ask me if you don't understand something, okay?" Joey nodded. "Me and Chris are going to go back to my room with you, and you can ask us anything you want, and maybe -- maybe -- there are some things that we can show you, that don't involve penises. Because the things that me and Chris do together, we like to do them with just each other. But that doesn't mean we don't like you an awful lot, and sooner or later you're going to find someone -- a boy or a girl -- that you like to do things like that with, too, and then you'll want to do them together with just you two."

Joey was clearly struggling with that, his face fixed in concentration, eyebrows drawn down as he fought his way towards understanding of ideas he had no natural concept of. "Okay," he finally said slowly, "so, someday I'll find someone, like Chris is for you, and then I'll stop wanting to do sexy things with Chris and Marie and Howie and stuff? Like magic?" He looked skeptical. "Can I still think about you and Chris naked when I touch myself? Or is that going to be against the rules, then? Because I like that a lot."

Chris cleared his throat. "I'm done betting," he announced cheerfully, though his face was red again. "I think Nick's hand's gonna kick my ass anyway."

Nick had only taken one card, and he was still trying not to let Chris see what he was holding. Even though it was apparently a lost cause. "No one can tell you what to think about when you touch yourself," he told Joey finally, blushing almost as fiercely as Chris. "You can think about whatever you want, even if it's me and Chris. And then someday, maybe you won't stop thinking about other people, but you'll have that one person you really like to do things with, and who really likes to do things with you." Or maybe more than one person, really, but he didn't want to complicate things needlessly with Joey.

"I'd like that," Joey said wistfully. "I like touching myself okay, but it's much more funner when there's someone else there. Especially if they really like you an' stuff, and you can tell, then it's all laughing and fun and nice and warm." He sighed, looked at his cards, and tossed in another pill, this one pink.

"I still think about Alec Baldwin sometimes when I'm jerking off," Chris said perkily, though he kept his voice low. "You know how I love those burly men." He winked at Nick.

"Right," said Nick, and he knew that comment wasn't meant to make him feel bad about himself, but it did anyway. He just couldn't help it. "Well. Don't worry Joey, a nice guy like you will for sure find someone someday who's right for you." He raised a paperclip.

Joey saw his paperclip and raised a thimble, and grinned at Nick happily. "You think so? I think that would be really great, especially if they don't mind that I'm different. Sometimes I can tell people don't like me 'cause of that, but if it was MY someone, they'd have to like me anyway, right? No matter what." He nodded dreamily. "And I could kiss them all I wanted to."

"You sure could," Chris said firmly, watching them bet with a little smile. He reached for Nick's fingers again, brushed his own over them, and hooked their fingertips together for just a second. "And you'll know, because you'll want to kiss them a *whole* lot, all the time."

Nick called, shooting Chris a little smile. A little thank you for the reassurance. "Your someone will like you just the way you are, Joey," he told him. "That's how you know you have the right someone. And you'll like them, too, just how they are. So what have you got?"

"Pair of queens," Joey admitted, laying them out. "But I like everybody just how they are, except the ones that are nasty, so does that mean almost everyone is my right someone?" He looked at Nick's hand curiously, waiting to see.

"Well, it sure increases your odds," Chris murmured. "Show 'em, Carter."

Nick lay out his two pair, kings over tens. "Even a stopped clock is right twice a day," he murmured, smiling. "But do you like everyone in a way that makes you... makes you want sex with them?" Nick asked Joey. "Cause that makes a difference, too."

Joey's face scrunched up in thought again at that, and he chewed on his thumbnail a little before brightening. "Oh, Nick, you won!" He clapped his hands and pushed the pile of stuff towards Nick, and even Chris grinned.

"I guess you really were lucky this hand," Chris nodded.

"I only want to do sexy things with most of the people I like, not all of them," Joey went on, sort of out of the blue, watching Nick earnestly. "And some of them I want to do naked things with, and some of them I only want to kiss and love and be friends with and things like that. But I just want sex all the time anyway." He sighed a little, shoulders slumping.

"I think," said Nick with a bright smile, collecting his winnings and shunting a couple of pills Chris's way, "that is the most completely normal thing about being here. Perfectly natural. And I swear you'll find someone, Joey. I promise. So, uh... which are we?"

"You were the one thing and now you're the other thing," Joey answered pretty quickly. "Because you're really nice and friendly and I like being your friend, we're friends, right? But then you touch and kiss and things, and see it and I get all hard and my stomach almost cramps sometimes and when I touch myself I sometimes think it's one of you guys putting his mouth down there on me." He started dealing the cards again.

"Ah, okay," Chris said slowly, blinking at him. Nick suddenly felt fingers walking down the inside of his thigh, until Chris had his hand right *there* and pressed his wrist up towards Nick's body gently. "Well, that's very flattering, Joey, thank you." His voice was as calm as if there was nothing going on.

Nick licked his lips and tried to do the same. "Well, Joey..." he got out finally. "That's... yes, very flattering. Whoever you finally get with, they're going to be very lucky to have you."

"As long as they like sex a lot," said Joey, very practically, "because I want to do it all the time."

"Y'know, I know just what you mean," Chris nodded casually, still working his hand against Nick's cock. "And let me tell you, it's pretty great getting to do it with someone else when you've been used to doing it alone for a long time. I bet you'll never want to take your hands off 'em."

"I wonder when I'll find them," Joey said, sounding excited again. "I wonder if it'll be tomorrow! It should be tomorrow. Maybe today! And if it's today that's *soon!* I can have someone for my very own right away!" He was practically vibrating in his chair, watching them. "Nick, your face is all pink, like it was before when I saw you and Chris on the bed. Is my face gonna get pink when I get my sex person too?"

Nick coughed politely and willed the blood to drain from his face. Quickly. "Yeah," he said, nodding his head, bobbing it, really, "that's what it'll be like. And I don't know if it'll be today or tomorrow or next week or next year, but when you find someo-- your, uh, sex person, they'll definitely make your face pink sometimes."

"Tomorrow, it'll be tomorrow," Joey insisted, nodding. "And it'll be like with you, where you don't want to have sex with anybody but each other, and we can make each other go pink. Are you holding hands again?"

"No, moron, they're not holding hands, Chris is jacking his anorexic little fuckbuddy." Lance's bored voice came from behind Nick, where he'd drifted up unnoticed. "Fucking gross, if you ask me. You two are no better than Howie."

"And when we want your opinion, firebug, we'll ask for it. Torched any mailboxes lately?" Chris's voice was calm, but with a vicious edge, and he stopped moving his hand, though he didn't remove it.

Nick, though, gently pushed it away, mortified. And much, much pinker than he had been, he was sure.

"Do you really want me to answer that?" asked Lance, baring his teeth in something almost like a smile. "Aww, what's the matter, finished already?"

"I need to go," mumbled Nick, trying to push up out of his seat.

"No, Lance was just leaving," Chris said coldly, holding his shirt and not letting him leave, pulling him closer and looping an arm around his waist. "After all, it must be painful for him to watch people who are fond of each other, when no one in this place can stand the sight of him. I think even Howie hates you, Lance, how does that feel? Knowing everyone hopes you burn yourself right out of here?"

Lance flinched a little, but just snarled and moved along. Joey was looking incredibly upset and on the edge of tears, the way he always did when there was an argument, and Chris's shoulder was tense against Nick.

"I really do need to go," said Nick softly, half-heartedly trying to tug himself out of Chris's grasp. "I... I'm sorry. I have to... I can't... I have to go to the washroom. I'll come back, though, okay? Okay, Joey? I'll come back."

"No, baby," Chris said softly, almost pleading, "just sit. Just a couple of minutes, one more hand, and then we'll go back to your room and we can have that talk with Joey, okay? Because if we go now, Lance is going to think he won." He stroked his hand up and down Nick's side, a soothing gesture. "Just hang in there a little bit for me."

Joey was wringing his hands. "Why is Lance mad?" He was glancing around like he was waiting to get smacked. "What did we do?"

"Nothing," said Nick, trying to keep from shaking. "We didn't do anything. Lance is just... you know how Lance is always like that, Joey." Which didn't mean that what he said hit Nick any less hard. "It's not your fault. I just really need to... he's right about me, is all. And I need to go do something."

"Nothing he said is right," Chris said fiercely, though he kept his voice low. "Nothing. And you should sit there, and breathe, and remember that you're with me, now, and I'm not gonna let anyone say that shit to you any more." He squeezed Nick so tight it almost hurt, like he was trying to squeeze the shakes out, and nodded to Joey. "Deal the cards again, Joe. And don't worry, no one's mad at you."

"You promise?" Joey said uncertainly, starting to shuffle the cards. "I didn't say something bad?"

"It's not shit, it's the truth," said Nick with a shrug. "I am fucked up like that, he's just the only one who says it to me. It's not you, Joey, it's never you, you're a really good person. It's just me."

"I don't think so..." said Joey, watching Nick, his eyes showing he didn't quite understand. "I don't think that sounds right."

"You're right, it doesn't sound right," Chris said more gently. "It's because it's *wrong*. Nick, you're kind of a mess, sure, but we all are in here. That was just Lance pushing buttons he knew would get a rise out of you. If you don't give him the satisfaction of reacting, he'll stop. Either that or I'll kick his ass, and he'll stop. Either way."

"My mama said that fighting's bad," Joey said, clearly grabbing that one thing out of the entire sentence and latching on. "You shouldn't hit, not ever." He nodded, grounded by the rule, and started dealing the cards again.

It was probably a good rule to know, not that Nick could imagine Joey hitting anyone, ever. But if he did, he could do some damage. "Yeah, sure, he was pushing some buttons," Nick said, taking his hand, "but they were buttons because they're true. Come on, can we just admit that?".

"What, that you're anorexic?" Chris swiveled a little and looked him straight in the eye. "Yeah, sure, we know that. You're the poster child for eating disorders, practically, but you're getting better. I thought you were upset about that whole comparison to Howie!" He shook his head, lips quirking a little, and leaned in and kissed Nick's mouth. "And nothing we do is disgusting," he added in a whisper.

"You're kissing again," Joey said wisely. He was smiling again, eyes eager on them. "It's nice to see."

Nick smiled back, just a little. "Yeah, it's nice to feel, too," he said softly. "Though, the doctor says I'm not anorexic, you know. Exactly. So Lance wasn't entirely right. But as for the Howie thing, we were kinda..." He dropped his voice even more, just for Chris. "It felt nice. Maybe later?"

"Definitely later," Chris nodded back, grinning at him as he let go of Nick's waist to pick up his cards. "Wild horses couldn't keep me away. Wild Joeys and all their questions won't stop me."

Joey laughed at the way Chris played with his name, and probably in reaction to Chris's grin, and tossed a penny and a rubber band into the pot. "What's ar-ar-arexic?" he wanted to know.

Nick winced, throwing in a couple of pathetic cards from a pathetic hand. Clearly lightning really did only strike once. "It's why I don't eat sometimes," he explained, putting it in the most basic way possible. "That's what it's called. Or that's one of the things it's called... there's more stuff wrong with me, too, that has different names."

"Oh." Joey seemed to take that at face value, and nodded. It was hardly the strangest thing he'd have heard during his stay, anyway. "You should eat, you know. Food tastes good and makes your stomach happy, like, this one time? My mom left us home, me and my sister, *all day*, and my sister was s'posed to get us pizza but she forgot to leave us money, and she didn't know how to make soup, and we were real hungry but we couldn't leave the house, and when she got home she quick took us to the restaurant, and man, that felt good, eating!" He dealt Nick more cards, and Chris one, and himself two, and then put the cards down.

"Food's different for Nick, it's not just something to make him un-hungry. But they're gonna fix that for him, in his head," Chris explained. "They'll figure it out."

"OH," said Joey knowingly. "That's how Nick is different. Okay. I still think you should eat more, though, Nick. It's really easy. I can help you if you want."

"Thanks, Joe," said Nick, staring blankly at his hand. "That's sweet. But I think it's gonna take more than that."

Chris bet a penny and a pill, and nodded at Joey to throw in. "It will, yeah, but any time you want to help, Joey, you can. That pie today was pretty good." He smiled at Nick, from under his eyelashes.

"It was great pie!" Joey agreed happily, betting. "And Nick ate it all up! And so did I, and even Howie had some all on his own. They should have pie here every day. I wonder if they'll have it tomorrow. Oh!" His eyes widened, like he'd just remembered something. "I'm gonna meet my sex person tomorrow!"

"Joey," said Nick slowly, and a little sadly. He raised a thumbtack. "You know that you might not meet someone tomorrow, right? I mean, it's *possible*, but it's not for sure..."

"No, I will," said Joey confidently. "And tomorrow's *soon*."

"That's right, it's sure soon," Chris said, as gently as he ever spoke. "You got that right. That's gonna be one lucky person, who ends up with you. You're a great guy, Joe."

"One lucky person," Joey nodded happily. "You bet. Gonna meet that lucky person tomorrow, and then I'll be lucky too. And I'm gonna call, I think." He glanced at his cards, then at Nick. "Yeah, I call."

Nick glanced back at his hand and snickered. Figured. "Maybe tomorrow, Joey. Just *maybe*," he repeated. "I don't want you to be sad if it's not tomorrow."

"Tomorrow," Joey said firmly. "One lucky person." He nodded again.

"It's okay," Chris murmured to Nick, very quietly. "He doesn't really *get* 'tomorrow' and 'later' and how those are different from 'soon.'" He nodded at Joey, and spoke louder. "What've you got, champ? I've got pairs, tens and threes, read 'em and weep." He snickered.

"Three jacks," said Nick, spreading his cards. It was completely accidental, but he would take it. He would take any luck that would come his way, cards or otherwise. "Joe?"

"Oh, I have a full house again," he said matter-of-factly, spreading his cards. And sure enough, there it was, sevens and kings. "Sorry Nicky."

"You are amazing," Chris said, high-fiving Joey. "You win again. It's unbelievable." He pushed the pot towards Joey, and started gathering up the cards. "You'd better hold onto that stuff, Joe, so we have something to play with next time."

"I have good stuff to bet with," Joey nodded. "Are we going to talk now? In Nick's room? I likeNick's room, he's got it all to himself and the bed is soft, and there's that nice rug, and those posters are neat too. Are we going there?"

Clearly, Joey had spent entirely too much time admiring Nick's room. "Yeah, that's where we're going," he said, letting Joey collect all the stuff and stick it back in his pockets. "To *talk*." He was sure the emphasis was lost on Joey, though.

"You said that," Joey said, puzzled. "Chris, too, we're going to talk and you're going to tell me things, and maybe show me things that don't use penises, and then I'll be ready to meet my special person tomorrow. You'll tell me what I need to know." Joey's certainty was absolute.

"That's right," Chris sighed, standing up and tugging Nick's hand. "C'mon, let's blow this popsicle stand."

"I wouldn't use the word 'blow' too much," said Nick sofly as they left -- fled, in his case -- the common room. "He might get the wrong idea."

"Can we start now?" asked Joey, tagging along behind them eagerly, "Or do we have to wait until we're in the room?"

Chris rolled his eyes fondly at Nick. "You can ask a question, okay? But we're not going to answer it till we get to the room."

"Okay, okay," Joey said, bouncing up to walk at their sides. "Howcome it's okay for you to kiss on the mouth when we're in the common room, like before, but stuff that would be even funner to watch, like if you had your shirts of and things like that, that's not okay? Why's it different? Would it be different if Chris was a girl instead of a boy?"

NIck raised his eyebrows, but true to Chris's word he waited until they were in the room -- with the door closed even -- before saying anything. "Kissing is one of those things that's okay to do in front of other people," he said finally. "Kissing like that, anyway. Some kissing is a little bit much."

"But how do you know?"

'You just do,' Nick wanted to say, but that wouldn't help Joey. "I guess you just have to learn, Joey," he said. "Kissing someone who wants to kiss you back is okay in front of other people, but only a little bit."

"Usually it's safest to keep your clothes on in front of everyone but the person you're kissing," Chris added, settling onto the bed and patting the cover, inviting Nick to sit by him. "The person you're kissing and, and talking with, you know, they'll let you know when they want you both to be naked. But that should be with just the two of you."

"Oh." Joey looked a little bewildered, but nodded. "What about when it's hot outside and boys can take their shirts off? That's okay, I know that, but if they start kissing each other they have to put their shirts back on?"

Nick closed his eyes and shook his head just slightly. This was not going to be easy. "That's a special situation. Your shirts are off because it's hot outside, not because you're being sexy with each other. So that's okay. Do you understand?"

"Um." Joey clearly didn't, looking wide-eyed at them from the chair he'd settled into. "Special, like..." he was at a loss.

"Sexy things are special," Chris said, leg already bouncing with impatience. "Special, like you want to share them with just one person at a time. Kissing is okay to show other people sometimes, but sexy touching, when you're touching someone else to make them feel good? That's something you should do when you're by yourselves."

"Okay," Joey accepted this simply. He might still have been unsure of why, but he did understand rules.

"Okay, right," said Nick, nodding his head firmly. "So that's that one. So when you find your special someone, whenever that might be--"

"Tomorrow!"

"--you can do that when there are other people around. Things like holding hands and little kisses. But not the things that you need to take your clothes off for."

"Except--

"Except when it's hot."

"Right." Joey sounded sure. "Okay, that's a rule, I understand." He chewed his lip a little, head cocked as he watched them. "What does it feel like to have something up your butt? Ron said that's how boys do it with boys, but I don't think that could feel very good, and anyway, I don't think it would fit, and isn't it dirty in there? Is my special someone gonna want to do that with me, because I don't know about that." He looked doubtful, shaking his head.

Chris choked back a giggle, slapping a hand over his own mouth. "I think the porn might be a good idea," he got out, low, to Nick.

Nick's mouth was just hanging open, so he wasn't much use at all just yet. He knew -- he *knew* -- that Joey just said what was in his head, but he was still caught off-guard by it sometimes. "Um," he said finally. "Well, Joey. Um. That's... that's really not the first thing you do, with a boy. You know?"

"Really?" Joey leaned forward eagerly. "What is the first thing you do with a boy? Is there a list? Are there rules?"

"No rules," Chris said, just a little regretfully. "Everyone is different, so everyone will like to start a different way, but mostly, it starts with talking, getting to know someone. Then kissing. Then touching, and when you're real comfortable with each other, then you can take your clothes off and touch naked." He shook his head. "I can't believe I'm doing this," he muttered.

"And sometimes it happens fast and sometimes it happens slow," added Nick, wondering if Joey would even understand that. "Sometimes there's only talking and kissing for a really long time, before there's anything else. And it's from the talking with your special someone that you find out what they like and what they don't like and what you can do together."

"Oh." Joey rubbed his head with his fingers a little, messing up his hair. "Okay. So when can I have sex with them? How long? Soon?" He looked hopeful.

"Yeah, Joe," Chris said, nodding a little sadly. "Soon, for sure. Just remember that you have to talk about it first before you have it. Make sure you both understand what exactly you like to do, okay?"

"That's another rule, talk before sex," Joey took it in. "Okay. Is that why people in the books always talk for pages and pages before they get to the sexy stuff? That's why!"

Nick just smiled to himself. "Right," said Nick, nodding at him. "Of course, they probably talk about other things, too. But it's important to know if the other person wants to have sex, because not everyone does. Believe it or not. And it's fun to learn things about your friends. You like to learn things about me and Chris, right?"

"Yeah, I like that, you're nice," Joey nodded. "But everyone wants to have sex, right? Right, Chris? Nick's just making that up." He looked at Chris. "Everyone on TV wants to have sex all the time. And people in here. And Howie, and you and Nick, and everyone."

"He's not making it up," Chris assured him, looking amused. "Some people don't want to have sex right away, some people don't want to have it at all."

"Wow." Joey blinked. "I bet that's because they have to put something up their butt, huh?"

Nick couldn't help it, he started laughing. And laughing a lot. Laughing until Chris joined him too, even though Joey just looked confused. "No," he got out finally. "I mean..." He took a few moments to catch his breath. "Okay, first thing? Me and Chris didn't have sex right away. Actually, me and Chris didn't have sex for a really long time after we met. Did you know that?"

"No, really?" Joey looked disbelieving. "But you have sex all the *time* now, I know you like it and stuff, I can tell, you look at each other like, like that. Why didn't you have sex? Was it 'cause of Chris's nasty roommate? Didn't you like Chris back then, when you first met?"

"We don't really have sex---" Nick tilted his head to the side and looked at Joey curiously. "Joey, what does sex mean?"

"Um." Joey's face got pink, and he looked at the ground, then at his hands. "There's...someone's touching someone, like, down *there*. And mostly there's a bed with covers and they're under the covers. And then it feels really good and then there's white stuff, but not if you're wearing a condom, and that's really important, to do that." He peeked at Nick. "Right?"

Nick grinned at him. "Sure Joey, that's all right. There's all different kinds of sex. Sometimes it's just touching and sometimes people use their mouths and sometimes people... do it in the butt, like you're worried about. Which actually feels really good. You wouldn't think so, but it does. And me and Chris... we don't really have sex an awful lot. But we like to touch and hold hands and kiss a lot. It feels good, too."

"Why don't you have sex an awful lot?" Joey wanted to know, stubborn in his curiosity. "I would if *I* had a special someone, I bet. Even in the butt, if it feels good like you said."

"Lots of reasons," Chris answered him. "We have sex when we both want to, and when we don't, we can still hold hands and kiss and touch a little, like you've seen. It feels good in a different way, but it's still really important."

"And maybe you'll have sex all the time at first," said Nick, "cause that happens sometimes, too. But then you find out there are other things you like to do together, too, and not just sex all the time. Because if you had sex all the time, you wouldn't have time for anything else."

"But I do all that stuff with you," Joey protested, "okay, not the kissing and holding hands stuff, but the other things, the friendly things, and I *want* to have sex all the time and I can't, and you get to whenever you want and you don't?" He was looking increasingly distressed and confused, shaking his head. "Don't, I don't understand, tell me about the kissing instead, I like kissing and you guys kiss all the time, I see you, it's nice? With a boy and a girl, the same nice?"

"But if you have sex all the time, you wouldn't have time to do those other things with anyone, do you see?" said Nick gently, trying not to agitate him. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt Joey. "Kissing is always nice, I think, with someone you really like. It's even better with someone you love."

"Yeah?" Joey looked at him hopefully. "How's it different?"

"It's better," Chris said firmly, keeping his eyes on Joey and his hands on Nick. "It's better because when you love someone, when they're happy you're happy. So it's double the happy, when you kiss them and it makes them smile." He glanced sideways at Nick, a smile in his eyes. "Sometimes kissing makes a person happier than having sex, and when you love them that matters. So that's why you do it."

"I can't imagine anything's better than sex," said Joey, shaking his head. "You keep saying that."

"Different people like different things," Nick tried to explain to him. "Right? Some people like chicken and some people like beef. Maybe you really do like sex that much...'

"I think we'd better just hope that Joey's...sex person...is wired the same way he is," Chris murmured. "'Cause he ain't getting this. Maybe we should just skip this part."

"I like chicken AND beef," Joey said stubbornly. "And potatoes too. And I like kissing but I want sex." At least he seemed to have processed that one didn't always automatically lead to the other.

"Okay, Joey," said Nick, leaning in comfortably against Chris. "Okay. That's fine and that's good and that's normal. Sex *is* good, and so is kissing, and so is just sitting here with Chris and knowing he's there with me. Is there anything you want to ask us, that you think we can answer?" But then, Joey seemed to think they could answer anything that confused him; Nick wished they really could.

"With a girl, you want to make her do the shaking thing where she says 'oh, oh, oh,'" Joey said immediately. "How do you make a boy do that? 'Cause if my person is coming tomorrow he's going to be a boy, because there aren't any girls in here. Why aren't there girls in here? This would be much more funner if there were girls, girls smell nice and they're pretty, even though Nick is pretty too and he's a boy." He looked attentively at Nick and Chris, folding his hands in his lap.

"Is he asking how to give a boy an orgasm?" Nick murmured to Chris, who nodded his head solemnly. "Oh." At least the other part of the question was easier. "There aren't girls here because they're in a different part of the hospital," Nick explained. "We can have girls visit, and there are some things we do together, but we don't get to stay together. And I'm not a girl, Joey."

"I know!" Joey said indignatnly. "I said! You're a boy but you're pretty anyway. Why can't we stay together? Why are they in a different part of the hospital?"

"That's a question you need to ask your therapist, me and Nick don't make the rules," Chris said firmly. "And as for the other question...well, it's easier, with a boy. Just do the stuff that makes *you* do the 'oh oh' thing when you're by yourself, that usually works. And pay attention to the stuff he likes, just like with a girl."

"I don't say 'oh oh' when I'm alone," said Joey, but his eyes were widening with some kind of dawning understanding. "Is the thing the girls feel the thing that boys feel, too?"

"Yes, yes it is," said Nick, smiling at him. "More or less, anyway. And the same things make it happen, the things we've been talking about... touching, and kissing, and nakedness and... well, and playing with his penis." Nick tried not to blush, being so matter-of-fact about it. "So it's very easy, really."

"That IS easy," Joey said, delighted. "Because if it's a boy, he'll have a penis just like mine! Instead of the other things that girls have, and it's all inside and hiding and stuff, and that makes it kind of hard sometimes to find, but with a boy..." He smiled, and shifted in his seat. "Oh, that will be fun, I think, that will be SO fun, I can't wait. Is it just as fun with a guy? Cause it looks fun. I think it will be fun, that doesn't sound hard or scary at all! Oh, I can't wait. "

"I know how he feels," Chris murmured into Nick's ear, and squeezed Nick close for a moment. "Good breakthrough there, you smart thing, you."

"Oh yes, it's a lot of fun," Nick agreed, touching Chris's thigh. "And it's just like your own, only it's on someone else, and you get to hear all of their fun noises which I really like, myself. Maybe someday soon--"

"Tomorrow!"

"--you'll get to see for yourself."

"Soon," Chris confirmed with a nod. "You bet, soon. Then you'll see. A lot of this stuff you're just going to have to do yourself before you really understand. We can tell you, but it's just not the same as doing it."

"Oh." Joey looked downcast for a moment, but brightened almost immediately. "Next time you guys are doing it, can I see? Just a little, maybe, the stuff that isn't private? 'Cause you said, I could, before, except not naked, remember, you said maybe there would be sexy stuff, but I can tell Nick doesn't want to, right, cause his pants aren't making a tent, right? So, next time?"

Nick closed his eyes and tried not to laugh again, an urge that Chris was apparently not trying to resist. "Maybe," he said, trying to imagine what they might be able to show Joey that wouldn't be *totally* inappropriate. "When we're doing something that's sexy but not naked. So you can see what those things are."

"No penises," Joey said, clearly very proud of himself for remembering. "That's what you said, those things aren't naked and there's no penises."

"Well, we still HAVE them," Chris choked out, vibrating against Nick with the force of his amusement. "We just keep them inside our pants when we're around people we aren't having sex with. And Joey, I swear, I will get you a porn tape and some way to watch it, because that will help you a lot, I think." He pulled himself together. "That's a video of people having sex, Joey, so you can see some of the things people do. Maybe we should go the tasteful erotica route instead, though."

"Oh!" said Joey, bouncing in his seat. *Joey's* pants, Nick couldn't help noticing, were definitely making a tent. "Oh, oh, oh, yes, I would like that a lot!"

"Well, Chris is the master of getting stuff like that into here," said Nick. "So if anyone can make it happen, it's him."

"Exactly." Chris rubbed his hands together and smiled benignly at them both. "And never you worry, boys, I will. Sometime soon."

"Tomorrow?" Joey leaned forward eagerly.

"Tomorrow," Chris nodded. "Now, Joe, man, I want you to come talk to me before you go touching any of the guys in here. Howie or anyone, okay? It's important, it's a rule, okay? We clear on that?"

"A rule," said Joey solemnly. "Okay, I understand. Talk to you before touching Howie or any of the other boys in here. But what if they want to touch me and you aren't around, should I leave and come find you to ask?" Joey looked torn, and uncomfortable. "Can I go touch myself now? It's starting to hurt."

"You should leave and find me to ask, definitely, that's part of the rule," Chris nodded firmly. "And Joe, that's just for them. Any time you wanna, with yourself, that's up to you." He waved a hand towards the door. "Go, have fun, enjoy. It's never fun when it's hurting, but making it STOP hurting is a blast."

"Can I come and ask more questions later?" Joey asked them before leaving, though. "Because I'll have more then, but I have to go *right now*."

"Later," Chris nodded. "Maybe tomorrow, 'cause I'm kind of tired still. And Joe, if you can't find me to ask, you should go to Nick. To check about the touching, and asking questions and stuff." He grinned at Nick. "Nick knows just as much as me, and he's better at explaining it anyway. Now go on, you look like you're gonna explode."

"Okay!" said Joey, leaping up and running out of the room.

"Explode?" said Nick, and started laughing. "You said that on purpose!"

"Who, me?" Chris widened his eyes until they were huge and innocent. "I'd never." Then he let go of the laughter he'd been holding in and just whooped, until his eyes started watering and he fell weakly against Nick's side. "Oh my god," he finally gasped out. "Joey!"

Nick finally got himself under control a few minutes later. "Oh, thank goodness I could hold that in for long enough," he said. "That would have been terrible, if I'd laughed in his face. Poor guy."

"We *were* laughing," Chris pointed out. "Maybe not as much as just now, but definitely laughing! Good thing Joe doesn't care. He's a sweetheart, huh? I still dunno if we got through to him at all." He slid sideways further, until he was almost in Nick's lap. "You did great with him, though. You're so patient."

Nick rolled his eyes. "I'm not, I'm not," he said. "But it's Joey and... man. Do you ever want to scream when he doesn't get it? Cause he's so damn smart and he *doesn't get it*! It's not fair."

"I know. It's like there's just one important piece missing," Chris nodded, and sighed. "And you gotta figure out how to explain it some whole different way that goes around that missing part. You're real good at that, you know. And you ARE patient." He slid an arm around Nick's waist, even as he pillowed his head on Nick's shoulder. "My smart Nick."

"I'll settle for just being your Nick," he said, sighing. "Can I go to the bathroom yet? Has it been long enough? Because I really actually have to go and laughing isn't helping..."

"I gotta come with," Chris said regretfully. "Not that I won't like getting another peek at your dick, 'cause I will." He lifted himself away from Nick with a sigh, then stood and stretched. "Let's go now, and like, possibly nap for a bit. Talking to him is *tiring*."

Nick nodded and resigned himself to things being like that always. "I don't think Joey will be back right away, so we're good," he said. "Though it's Joey, so who knows. I can't imagine it'll take him long to, uh, take care of business."

"No, he did look pretty excited," Chris said. "Not that I blame him, really." He leaned down and put his hands on Nick's shoulders, giving him a warm, slow kiss. "C'mon, boy. I think he'll probably get distracted, but like you said, who knows?"

Nick closed his eyes for a moment and imagined Chris being with him always, when there were no longer such things as setbacks and new treatments and visiting hours. He almost couldn't. "I'm sure we'll have a little time to ourselves," he said as they got up and headed down the hall.

"Excellent." Chris was walking with just a trace of a swagger, enough to make Nick smile a little, and ushered him into the bathroom with a dramatic bow. "I still can't believe Joey's got all those pills," he said quietly after determining that the bathroom was empty. "Crazy."

"I'm a little bothered by it," admitted Nick with half a shrug. But it was a rule that Joey didn't take random medication, so they were probably safer with Joey than anywhere else. He glanced at himself in the mirror, then turned away quickly and headed for the stalls.

Chris's soft sigh followed him, but Chris didn't say anything. "Joey won't take it, you know," Chris said idly, waiting for him. "He'll just hang onto it, or give it away. I'm mostly worried about what happens if someone gets their hands on something they really shouldn't have? Do you think we oughtta get 'em from him?" Chris didn't mention that sometimes, he was one of the someones who really shouldn't have pills.

"Maybe," agreed Nick, and stared at the toilet bowl, planning his strategy. He'd done this before, but never when he was sure someone else was there. He gritted his teeth for a moment, then pushed his fingers down his throat to trigger his gag reflex. The moment he was sure he was going to throw up, he flushed the toilet to mask the sound.

It almost worked, too, but he coughed once after the water had stopped running, and Chris shouted "FUCK!" and was hammering at the door of the stall in an instant. "Get out here! Nickolas Carter, you get out of that stall right now!"

"Chris, stop it!" he shouted back, and took a moment to catch his breath, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. Fuck. But he did feel better now, at least. "All right, what?" he said as he pulled the stall door open again.

Chris was glaring at him, eyes fierce under lowered brows, and he yanked Nick close, then recoiled. "You smell," he said briefly, letting go of him before he turned away. "Go brush your teeth, at least." He made it two steps before he punched the wall, muttering "my fault" before leaving the bathroom altogether, though Nick could see him waiting through the door, which he held ajar.

"Fuck," Nick said aloud this time, and shook his head. Fucking Chris, he just didn't get it. He avoided the mirrors this time as he headed for the door. "Fine," he said, not looking at Chris. "I need to get my toothbrush, then."

"Fine," Chris answered briefly, not looking at him either. "You do that, and I'll come along, how 'bout? I'd hate for you to stick your toothbrush down your throat by accident." There wasn't any real anger behind Chris's words, though, just a kind of tired resignation and sadness.

"I'm done," said Nick after a moment, shuffling his feet as they walked. "Chris, I didn't... that's not going to happen."

"Yeah, I've heard that before," Chris said, still brief. "You're done till the next time you see a mirror or you hear something you don't like or you get scared. I'm still coming with you." He opened the door to Nick's room but didn't go in, waiting for him in the hall. "I know, Nick, we've been together...how long, now? A year? You think I don't know?"

"Yeah, I think you don't know," Nick snapped back at him, snatching up his toothbrush. "If you understood, you wouldn't be mad at me right now."

"I'm not mad at you," Chris explained. "Not anymore. I'm just upset. Someday you're gonna kill yourself with this shit, and I'll never forgive you for that." He still didn't look at Nick as he waited in the hall for him.

"It's not going to kill me, Chris," he said, waiting at the door. "If I die, this isn't what's going to kill me."

"Yeah, it is," Chris said quietly, following him. "It will, if you don't get a handle on it soon. Malnutrition, throat cancer from all the puking, kidney failure, whatever it is, it'll kill you. You've gotta stop this, Nicky, you've gotta."

Nick stopped short of the sink and closed his eyes. Chris just sounded so *sad*, not even mad anymore. "It's not that easy," he said finally, but it wasn't as though Chris didn't know that. He had to know that.

"I know." A warm hand slid up the back of his shirt to rest flat on the small of his back, and he could feel Chris's forehead pressing against the back of his shoulder. "Can you try a little harder? For me? 'Cause I know it's not easy, but you can do it."

"I *am* trying," said Nick, and his throat felt thick. "I *am*. And then I see myself and it's like all the trying in the world doesn't *matter*!"

"I know." Chris sighed, and stepped back. "Go on, brush your teeth. I gotta tell 'em you puked, you know. That's part of the deal, why they let me watch you."

"Please don't," said Nick softly. "Please? Just this once? It was hardly anything, it was way too late... it was nothing."

"I can't," Chris said doggedly. "They gotta know, maybe they'll know why and change your meds or something. Maybe it'll help 'em figure out how to make you better." He wouldn't meet Nick's eyes. "It wasn't nothing, either."

"Chris *please*!" he said, shaking a little as he stood there. "For me, please, don't tell them anything. I don't want to... they'll make me deal with it *right now* and I can't. I can't."

"Nick," Chris sighed, then shrugged. "All right, but you gotta tell them this week, and promise me you will. And tell 'em you snuck it, too, or you KNOW you'll be back with a babysitter three hours after every meal, not just me."

Nick sighed, because he was right. And that was worse. "They'll do that anyway," he admitted finally, "if you don't tell. Go. Go now, go tell them, before I latch myself onto your legs and don't let you."

"You sure?" Chris looked at his face, then nodded. "All right. Once you're back in your room, I'll go. Don't wanna leave you here around all this tempting porcelain." For the first time in a while, he cracked a little smile.

Nick gave him a tiny, grudging smile in return, even though he *wanted* to fling himself at Chris's legs and keep him from telling. "I'm not gonna, Chris," he said again. "I swear."

"Whatever." Chris kept smiling, but rolled his eyes. "I'm going. I'll be right back. You know you're gonna hear about this tomorrow, but I think the docs are mostly gone by now. So you get a reprieve tonight..." he gave Nick a little wave and disappeared out the doors, his footsteps heavy in the quiet.

Nick doubted it would be much of a reprieve. If not tonight, then he figured he would be shuttled into a one-on-one session the moment he was woken up in the morning. But he couldn't worry about that now, what was done was done. He brushed his teeth quickly, the sooner the toothbrush was out of his mouth the better, and then he placed one hand on either side of the sink and stared at himself in the mirror for a long, long time.

"Hey," Chris said from the door, quietly. "I told the charge nurse, she made a note. It's taken care of." He held the door open. "C'mon, Nick. Let's go watch TV or something, or we can play cards in your room or something, whatever you want."

Nick kept staring, met his own eyes and held them there. "In a minute," he said, and watched his lips move. "I'm doing something."

"What?" Chris came into the room, then,peering over Nick's shoulder at his reflection. "What're you doing?"

"Looking," said Nick, his eyes darting to Chris's for a moment, in the reflection. "But I still don't see, Chris."

"What?" Chris's pale face looked curious as he stared at their reflections in the mirror. "It's you and me in a mirror, what's not to see?"

"What other people see, when they look at me. What everyone else sees."

"Huh." Chris propped his chin on Nick's shoulder, and met his reflection's eyes. "'Course you don't, you're you, not everybody else. You *can't* see yourself how everyone else sees you."

"But that's what they're always trying to get me to do, to get better. They say I see myself wrong, I don't see what's there, or I see what's not there. But I just see what I see. I don't understand."

"Well, you..." Chris sighed, and shook his head. "You know all this shit already, I know it, but man, you see yourself a lot bigger than you are for real. You're real thin, Nick. But you gotta change what YOU see, not try to see what other people see, 'cause sometimes they're wrong too. Like your mom, man."

Nick stiffened. "Well. I guess I don't have to worry about her anymore anyway," he said. "Maybe i should stop even calling her mom. Maybe I should just call her Jane, this woman I once knew."

"Whatever makes you happy," Chris said noncommittally, just blinking at him from the mirror. "But fact is, you gotta start seeing what really is, not what the messed-up stuff in your brain is telling you is there. I do too, but with me, it's all chemical. 'Till they get my meds fixed, I got nothing."

"They will," said Nick, and he *was* sure of it. It would happen. "I don't know what I see that's wrong, though. How can I not be seeing just exactly what's there for me to see?"

"I dunno, kiddo," Chris said. "Maybe there's some kinda crossed wire between your brain and your eyes. Maybe it's like Kevin, how he hears stuff that isn't there. You see stuff that isn't there, or what you see is kinda distorted. I mean, I can't figure out how you can look in the mirror and not think "damn, that kid needs to gain some weight."

"But it's not like I see little dancing lights, or strangers in the mirror. I see me, and I see you. I see us, I see what's there. I don't need to gain some weight, though." He reached up to pinch his neck. "It's not about that, though. It's not... I don't *want* it to be like this."

"I know," Chris said again. "None of us want it to be like this, but our brains, man." He shrugged a little. "You do need to gain some weight. You're lookin' a little scrawny. You might see me and you, but I bet you don't see you at all like I do. Or like your measurements would say."

"Would you like me better if I wasn't this scrawny?"

Chris looked painfully torn for just a moment, then sighed. "I like you whichever way," he admitted. "I'd be less WORRIED if you weren't this scrawny, but I don't think I'd like you any more or less than I already do."

Nick tried very hard to hear what Chris was saying, and not what he *thought* he would be saying. "So I guess I'll just have to try harder then," he said after a moment, firming his resolve. "I just wish I knew how."

"Well, one good thing about this place," Chris said, giving his arm a little tug towards the door, "we got nothing but time in here. If one way doesn't work, the next way might. Now c'mon. Let's get out of here, find something else to do with our time. Maybe go harrass my roommate."

"If your roommate is sleeping," said Nick, "I say let him sleep. He's kinda creepy, you know. I mean, not creepy, but... you know. Anyway, I think he's a lot happier sleeping."

"He's not *creepy*," Chris laughed a little. "He's just crazy is all, and kind of annoying. But whatever, we can do what you want. We can save the roommate harrassment for the next time I don't sleep for seventy-two hours, or whatever." He actually yawned a little, then, and Nick was reminded again that Chris hadn't even started going up, yet.

"Yeah," said Nick, glad not to be looking at himself again. He didn't feel like it had gotten him anywhere. "I think what we should do is go back to my room and stay there. And we can close the door and it'll all be okay for a little while."

"Sounds good to me," Chris agreed, surprisingly biddable. "Whatever." He trailed after Nick to his room, and thumped back down on the bed as soon as he could. "God, I'm still so fucking *tired*. At least this one was only a couple weeks, and the start and end were nice and sharp. Sorta."

"But you're good," said Nick, stretching out next to him. "The worst is over now, and it's gonna get better from here. You can count on that."

"Yeah," Chris said wearily, and without any particular enthusiasm. "Yeah, I can, all right." He rolled to his side and tucked a hand under his cheek, staring at Nick. "Is it better, now you're in here with the door closed?"

"With you," said Nick. "In here with the door closed *with you*. I know I'm kinda nuts and stuff, and probably that's not the best thing for you, but I'm always here for you, Chris."

"You're not entirely nuts," Chris said, corners of his mouth finally lifting in a little smile. "And you're pretty good for me, all things considered. I do miss you when you're not around, and it's pretty good to be back."

"I missed you a lot," Nick reminded him. "I'm better with you. I know it doesn't seem like it sometimes, like today, before, but I am. And it's not.. I mean... you just remind me that there are people who care, even when Jane doesn't. And if there's anything I can give back to you that's even close to equalling that, you just tell me and it's yours."

Chris was still smiling, and rolled his eyes fondly. "We ain't on a barter system," he reminded Nick. "You're pretty good to me anyway, and I know it isn't always easy. And hey, I can tell you stuff, like how I'm gonna be an uncle. That's pretty big."

"It's big and wonderful," agreed Nick. "Which is probably how you would like me, huh?"

"Bigger," Chris admitted, settling a hand on his side again, slotting his fingers in the grooves between Nick's ribs. "Bigger would definitely be nice. Slowly but surely, you'll get there. And once they get you back on your meds...well, things'll look better."

"I hope so," said Nick, sighing softly. "I want everything to be better. I want to leave here with you."

"Wouldn't that be a thing," Chris said. "We could get a place together. I bet I qualify for disability housing, y'know. Mentally something-or-other. So we both gotta get better, 'cause that sounds way better than moving in with my mom."

"If we're getting out of here," said Nick. "Hopefully we're not gonna qualify for anything anymore. We'll get a place, you and me, maybe. Decorate it nice, have parties. Live."

"Parties." Chris's smile widened. "Now that really would be interesting. I dunno if I'd even know how to throw one of those any more." He slid closer to Nick, tucked that arm over his waist snugly. "I think I'll still qualify, even if I'm outta here. 'Cause what I got is permanent, you know? But I hear some of those places are real nice. And we could get jobs, and stuff. Make the place real nice."

"Yeah, but if it's under control, it doesn't count, I think," said Nick. "If you can work and stuff. If it's not messing you up anymore. I don't know what I'll do when I'm outta here... I gotta do something though. I don't even know what I'm good at."

"I was an okay waiter," Chris remembered, clearly thinking about it. "I could do that, I bet you could too. There's always stuff. We could find jobs easy, I bet, and live pretty good." He snorted, then. "That is, if and when I ever get out of here, which ain't looking too hopeful."

"Sure it is," said Nick, as cheerfully as he could. "It's just a matter of finding the right medication, you know that. And then once you do, that's it, that'll take care of it. The, uh, base thing, anyway. Since you got a few other bad habits you need to kick."

"Tcht," Chris said, shaking his head. "You know those are just offshoots of my frustration with my central disorder." He snorted again. "Or so one or the other of my doctors said, I dunno. Whatever. If I'm out, I'll be fine. I just get bored in here."

Nick wasn't so sure about that, but it was *not* something he thought was important enough to get into right now. "You will be fine," he said instead. "It's just a matter of time, and ever day you get closer to it."

"You too," Chris said, and then kissed him quick, before settling back. "There, enough with the mutual admiration society. Tell me what you been up to while I was gone. I know you didn't just hole up in your room and sulk. Didja get any passes, go into town?"

"How do you know I didn't just hole up in my room and sulk?" said Nick, but it was true that he hadn't. Only half the time. "I spent time with Joey and stuff. I did go out one time, saw a movie even. Spent a lot of time in therapy. Things don't really change much.here, though."

"What'd you see?" Chris was still watching him closely. "Anything good? You gotta share here, you know I ain't been out in over a month. And I know you didn't hole up in your room all the time because they won't let you. mostly."

"Doesn't mean I didn't try," said Nick. It hadn't really been a great couple of weeks for him either, but at least it had been better than Chris's. "I just went and saw a matinee revival of Little Shop of Horrors at that funky little place on Laviolette Street. You know how much I like it."

"Oh yeah. Didja get hit on by that Rocky guy again?" Chris watched him curiously. "He was really into you, from everything Ed said after you got back from the last show. Did you go the whole day, or just the afternoon?"

"Just the afternoon," said Nick. "Well, I had lunch, then went to the movies. That guy wasn't there, though, I think. Or maybe he figured out I'm a nutcase and stayed away. Either way, doesn't matter, I already got a cute guy hitting on me."

Chris rolled his eyes a little, but looked pleased. "I wouldn't blame you a bit if you went looking for someone who could actually fuck you more than two weeks out of the month. And who wasn't crazy. Sometimes I think it'd be better for you if you weren't fuckbuddies with someone as nuts as me. Don't think I don't notice you go down when I'm gone."

"Let's not call it fuckbuddies, okay?" said Nick quietly. "I mean, I know it's not... I mean... just something else, okay? And I just miss you sometimes. But I'm trying to get better for me, and not... I'm trying not to make it about us, but us is good for me, Chris. And good for you too, I hope."

Chris blinked, looking a little surprised, but tipped his head in assent. "All right," he agreed. "Yeah, it's good for me too, but I just feel like shit, you know, when I come back and you've been all going downhill. Like me being so nuts is making you more nuts, you know? But whatever." He sighed a little. "It's not like I could stop now anyway."

"Chris, no," said Nick quickly. "It's not like that, it's not because of you that it happens! I have cycles too, you know, and I got shit going on like that that's causing my other problems in the first place. And we spend so much time together and it's probably just, like, our stuff being synchronized now."

"Like my sister and her roommate and their fuckin' periods?" Chris asked dryly. "Wouldn't that be a trip?" He sighed, and relaxed a little, though, face easing from its stiffness. "Nicky, I think this place is making us crazy," he said solemnly, and Nick almost thought he was serious before he caught the twinkle in his eye.

"This place would make anyone crazy," said Nick, smiling at him. "You still sleepy?"

"Yeah," Chris admitted. "I'm still crashing out about ten hours a night, at least that's what I got last night. Now that I've got Justin, I bet I won't be sleeping that much. I bet his alarm clock'll go off at like six. God." He groaned a little.

"Sleep here," said Nick, patting the bed. "If they come and find you already sleeping, they won't make you move, not right now when your body needs the sleep so much."

"Have you met these people? 'Course they'll make me move," Chris said, eyebrow raised. "Anyway, I shouldn't steal your bed." He showed no signs of moving, though, and his eyes were heavy.

"Well, sleep until they make you move, then," Nick suggested. "I'll be here until you sleep, and then I'm gonna check on Joey, and make sure everything is good, there."

"Yeah?" Chris yawned hugely, and blinked at Nick. "All right. Just a little nap, though, and, ah, don't let Joey get too outrageous, huh? I bet he wants to tell you all about how he got to explode." He grinned sleepily and curled smaller on the bed.

"Maybe I'll let him," said Nick, giving Chris a soft kiss. "Better to me than in session tomorrow. And then I'll come back, okay? And stay here with you until they make you leave." Despite both living there, they often didn't get as much time together as Nick would like. They made up for it whenever they could.

"Okay," Chris said softly, already mostly asleep. "Don't take long, or they'll kick me out all alone." He sighed and tucked himself more securely around Nick's pillow. Nick kissed him one more time, making him smile, before leaving him and closing the door as quietly as possible behind him.

He hoped Joey would be in his room, and hadn't gone to watch the movie after all. With Joey, it was hard to know. But all Nick could do was try, and so he stealthily crept down the hall, trying not to attract anyone else's attention, and tapped on Joey's mostly closed door.

The door swung open on Joey's curious face, which lit with a smile. "Nick!" He opened it wider, and gestured with one hand, which was holding a thick book. "Nick, you came to see me! That's so nice, come in, come into my room. I got a nice new rug, see? It's soft on my feet, and that's awful nice in the mornings when the floors are really pretty cold, mostly."

"It's a great rug," said Nick, stepping inside and pushing the door most of the way closed again behind him. "I came to talk to you about something, Joey, is that okay?"

"Okay," Joey said eagerly, putting the book on the bed and sitting beside it, clasping his hands in his lap and looking at Nick attentively. "Is it something fun, or something sad? Because I don't want to hear sad things so close to bedtime, sometimes it makes my dreams sad, and then I wake up and it's not as nice as when the dreams are good."

"No, it's not sad," Nick promised him. "I just need to... ask you for a favour, actually."

Joey looked confused for a moment, but nodded eventually. "Okay," he said tentatively. "Okay, I can do you a favor, is it about pie? I can get more pie tomorrow."

Nick smiled at him. "No, it's not about pie," he said. "But thank you. It's about... about the pills you had, when we were playing poker before."

Joey looked wary, all of a sudden. "You can't have them all," he said bluntly, shaking his head. "Not all of them, it's bad for people to have all of them at the same time, they could...it's bad." He clearly had some notion that the pills could be harmful in the wrong hands. "Not even if you ask real pretty."

Nick just smiled at him. "I know, Joey," he said. "That's why i needed to talk to you. Because I know you would never take them, I know you know better than that, but there are other people here who *would*. And so it's kind of dangerous for you to even have them."

"But I found them," Joey protested, looking confused. "I mean, sometimes people don't take them or they forget and I kind of like them, they're all different colors like beads, almost, and I won't take them, I know that's a rule. They aren't dangerous, I just hold onto them and sometimes make piles of them and think whose they are, I never swallow them or even put them in my mouth."

"It's not you I'm worried about, Joey," Nick tried to explain to him. "It's other people. I' worried that other people are going to find out that you have them and take them from you, and there are other people here who *will* take them, if they have them."

"No one can take them from me," Joey said stoutly, cupping a protective hand over his pocket. "I mean." He looked uncertain again. "Can they? They wouldn't, would they? 'Cause they wouldn't...I wouldn't let them. What should I do? I can't, I can't give them to you, 'cause you're not, you might take them too, or Chris, right? And that would be bad, if there were lots."

"Chris takes things from people sometimes," Nick reminded him carefully. "And Chris gets really sad sometimes, and if he had them, he would take them all, maybe. I think it would be a really good idea if you gave them to a doctor, or just flushed them down the toilet so that nobody could get them."

"I'll get in trouble if I give them to a doctor," Joey fretted. "And if I flush them down the toilet they're all gone. I don't want them to go! But I don't want Chris to take them all." He fidgeted restlessly. "I don't want to think about this," he declared suddenly. "I'll tell Chris not to take them, that will be okay, right? I'll tell him it's an important rule."

"That won't work for Chris," said Nick sadly. "What if we replaced them with something, Joey? What if we flushed them and replaced them with something else, something better. Like... oh! Buttons! There are thousands of different kinds of buttons, right? And they can't hurt anyone."

"Buttons?" Joey seemed to ponder that. "But. We don't have buttons, at least not pretty ones that look like beads. All we have is shirt buttons and pants buttons and sometimes buttons on jackets. You think that would be as nice?" He looked at Nick doubtfully. "You promise?"

"I promise," said Nick. "And... *and*... next time I have a day pass, I can pick you up some real beads, too. And that'll be very soon, I think. And won't that be better than something that's just *like* beads?"

"Real beads? The big glass ones, all different colors, like my sister has?" Joey looked wistful briefly. "She wouldn't let me play with them, but I loved the colors so much. You can make piles so the colors are just like the rainbow, you know, so they're all complimentary shades, like they teach in the art books? So pretty."

Sometimes, still, Nick was taken off guard by the things Joey knew about. "They'll probably be plastic, and not glass," he admitted after a moment. "But yes, exactly like that, otherwise. Does that sound like a good idea?"

"That sounds good," Joey said, slowly losing his wary look and becoming excited. "Real beads? Oh my. When can we get them? Can we get them tomorrow? I think that's a real good idea, that's even better than the pills, I can flush those old pills, no problem. Should I do it now, so I'll have space for my beads tomorrow? Oh! Oh, I can show them to my special person tomorrow!" He was almost bouncing in excitement. "Do you think he'll like the beads, too?"

Nick just grinned at him. "If he's your special person, he'll like the beads because *you* like the beads," Nick promised him. "Yeah, let's flush them right now, all of them. I think that's a really good idea, Joey."

"Okay!" Joey bounced up off the bed and over to his little desk, the same as the ones in all the rooms, and dug into a drawer. "Nobody mostly notices me picking these up, I been doing it for a long time," he rambled, picking pills out from where they'd been lying. "I've got a bunch, so just hold on, I gotta get them all, because I don't want Chris taking them when he's sad, because it'd be bad if Chris had to go away and be sick somewhere not here, huh? We'd miss him a lot, huh?"

"Yeah, we'd miss him an awful lot," said Nick, trying not to think about what would happen if Chris got his hand on all those pills, more than Nick had realized Joey had. He was going to have to spring for a lot of beads. "So we're not going to let that happen. How many do you have, Joey?"

"Lots," Joey said proudly, showing him a handful of pills of all sizes and colors. "Like beads, look! Aren't they pretty?" He looked torn again. "Can't I have these AND the beads, too? I promise not to give 'em to Chris, or anyone, not even you. They're SOsafe here, right here where I keep them, all safe and in a drawer?" He looked pleadingly at Nick.

Nick just shook his head, though. "I'm sorry, Joey," he said. "It's just not safe. Chris already knows that you have them, and you know how Chris takes things that aren't his. If you keep them, Chris might get hurt."

"I don't want Chris to get hurt," Joey nodded, sighing. "Okay. I guess...I guess I should go flush them." He looked at his handful sadly. "Okay. Chris shouldn't take things that aren't his, though, that's nice." He walked to the door, steps dragging reluctantly, but when he came back a moment later his hands were empty. "Okay. They're all gone."

Nick looked at him suspiciously. "What did you do with them?" he asked, sure that Joey wouldn't *blatantly* lie about it. It just wasn't in his nature.

"I flushed them away," Joey sighed, and looking at his face Nick could tell he was telling the truth. "I wasn't going to, but then I thought about Chris, and Chris maybe getting real sick if he took them, and I didn't wanna do that. So I flushed them right down the toilet." He sighed again. "It took me a really long time to get them, you know!"

"I know, Joey," said Nick sadly. "I'm sorry. I promise as soon as I can I'll get you those beads, okay? And they'll be even better than the pills! And I'll come here and make piles of them with you. Or maybe you'll already have your special person and you won't need me here."

"You can come anyway," Joey said generously. "I mean, even though we might be doing naked sexy things, we can put on clothes so you can come see the beads and we can play with them." Joey was clearly a magpie, his room filled with brightly-colored things.

Just that Joey had taken it to heart that there would still be things he could do that weren't naked sexy things was progress, Nick thought. He'd obviously been giving the whole thing a lot of thought. "Well, I'll make sure I'm not interrupting anything first," he promised. "And maybe when you find your special person, all four of us can pay poker."

"That would be good! We could play with my beads!" Joey perked right up. "Only, no, 'cause I don't want to lose them. We'll have to find other things. We can do that, though. Oh, I hope my person likes Chris too. And Chris likes him, because it'll be awful bad if they don't, huh? We'll just make sure they do."

"We'll do our best," said Nick, smiling at him again. "I think Chris would be happy to see you happy with someone you can have sex with."

"You think so? But then I'd probably stop having those neat dreams about Chris, but oh, he's always telling me that's private." Joey's brow furrowed, then cleared. "But I can still think about you guys when I'm touching myself, he said before, so that's okay, since I just did that tonight when I came back here. It only lasted a minute! So fast!"

Nick could feel himself blushing as Joey said it. "You can always think about whatever you want, when you're touching yourself," he said finally. "I'm not surprise it didn't, uh, last very long today. You seemed to be in a hurry."

"I was," Joey nodded seriously. "It was *hurting*, my penis was so hard. But it was nice, too, 'cause I got to come BANG! That fast." He smiled. "It was all that talking about sexy things, I think. Sometimes when people talk about that stuff or there's sexy stuff on the television I get so hard I feel like I'm gonna pop!"

Nick nodded back just as solemnly. "I know how that feels," he said. "I used to feel like that sometimes, too."

"Yeah?" Joey looked at him wide-eyed. "really? But you've got Chris!"

"Before Chris," Nick told him. "Before I was even ever in here. I used to feel like that sometimes, when I was watching sexy things or even just thinking about sexy things."

"That's a boy thing," Joey nodded wisely. "At least that's what my dad said, he said our peckers sometimes have minds of their own and there's nothing we can do about it. But then one time? I figured out that if I was touching it, or if I got someone else to, that things would happen and it felt SO GOOD, only my brother said not to talk to my mom or dad about that so I didn't, only later I found out that that was *sex!* And that everybody did it, practically."

Nick found himself grinning, as he stared down at his hands and tried to just let Joey talk about it, since *no one* ever let Joey talk about it like this. "Yeah, it's definitely a boy thing. And sex feels great, whether you're having sex with yourself or with someone else."

"That's true," Joey said eagerly, "but better with someone else, 'cause then you can make THEM feel good too, so there's twice as much! And I like kissing too, even though sometimes it's all sloppy and gross and this one time Brenda James cut my lip with her braces, but that wasn't SO bad. But then sometimes there's no one else to touch where they're all wet too and then you've just gotta do it yourself. Mostly, that's what I do. But not tomorrow!"

"No, not tomorrow," said Nick quietly. Or the tomorrow after, or the tomorrow after, or whenever Joey finally found someone who wanted him just the way he was. "I remember I used to like doing it all the time."

Joey nodded enthusiastically. "Me too. I still like doing it all the time!" He seemed to pause a little. "Don't you like doing it all the time?" He blinked at Nick. "Does your penis still work, is it broken or something?"

Nick snickered and shook his head. "Broken... isn't the right word for it. Uh. Sometimes... some of those medicines... not the ones you take, but the ones some of the rest of us take... they make it so it's not the same anymore. And sometimes even if you're not taking any of them, but if you're sad or depressed a lot, it changes things too. And then if... if you don't eat enough, your body changes then, too, so you don't want sex the same way."

"Oh." Joey looked like he was trying to understand that. "But." He shook his head. "But Nick! You should eat more. That's what it is, huh? That thing, that's your thing, the thing where you don't eat that you were talking about before? If you can't, if your penis doesn't work if you don't eat, you should eat lots, because Chris is sexy and you are too and you should be naked ALL the time if you can." He seemed genuinely upset by the idea that all of Nick's parts weren't working exactly right.

"Chris is very sexy," Nick agreed with him, looking up for a moment and grinning. "He's a little bit mad at me right now, but he's still very sexy. and we do get naked together still, so don't worry. It's not like we *never* have sex."

"Oh, that's good. But still," Joey shook his head. "You go back there right now and be naked with him, Nick! He shouldn't be mad at you, you're too sweet and nice, so tell him I said that and then be naked, and do sexy stuff. So you can tell me about it later, maybe, and then I can do it with MY sex person."

Nick couldn't help laughing a little that time. "Okay, Joey, I will. Only maybe later, because Chris is sleeping right now. But for sure, I'll tell Chris that you want us to have sex."

"Okay good," Joey said, beaming at him. "That's good, that's the way it should be. Is Chris sleeping in your bed with you? That's what boyfriends do, I'm pretty sure. Only here there's lights-out rules." He seemed briefly taken aback by that, but then shook his head. "I think that's an okay rule to break though, not one of the important always rules."

"Well, we're gonna try to break it," Nick admitted to him. "I'll let you know if it works or not, how about, so you'll know for when you find your special person."

"Okay!" Joey made little shoo-ing motions with his hands. "Now go away, 'cause I'm going to sleep now so tomorrow comes quicker. That always works!"

"I'm going, I'm going," said Nick, raising his hands a little. "I'm gonna go spend the rest of the night with Chris, and then I'll see you tomorrow, Joey."

"Okay!" Joey waved. "Bye, Nick! Thank you! Have sweet dreams!"

"Thank *you*, Joey!" Nick gave him a little wave, sure that Joey would be having *very* sweet dreams, and headed back to his own room. He slipping in quickly, unsure of whether Chris was still sleeping or not.

Chris was lying still, but even in the low light of the room Nick could see his eyes gleaming at him from the nest of blankets he'd made. "How's Joey," he said, voice heavy and slow.

"He's good," said Nick, gently closing the door. "He's real excited about tomorrow. How come you're not sleeping yet?"

"I was," Chris said, still not moving even an inch or even blinking, "then Kevin came by yelling about something, and I figured you should be back soon." His voice still sounded like he was talking through cotton, but his eyes followed Nick as he moved around the room.

"Really? I didn't even hear him," murmured Nick, watching him in return. "I'm back now, though. You gonna let me in there with you?"

Chris was silent for a moment, then moved sluggishly, sliding sideways on the bed and making space. "These beds aren't made for two," he mumbled, pressing up against the wall.

"We'll make it work, then," said Nick, stripping off his pants before climbing in. "You okay? I mean, relatively speaking?"

"Kinda feeling numb," Chris said slowly, his breathing so deep and even it almost seemed like he was talking in his sleep. "Not quite back yet, don't think. And that was a lot, today. Don't tell at session, though, they'll, I don't know. Flip."

"I won't tell nothing about you," said Nick, frowning at him a little. "You um. You'll tell me the truth, if I ask you something?"

"Hmmmaybe." Chris was still looking at him, still lying very still, like all the energy had drained out of him. "Depends on what it is."

"I just want to know if... if you took anything after I left," said Nick nervously.

"All I got from Joey was downers," Chris said, just a hint of sharpness back in his tone. "Why'd I be taking those now? Last thing I need right now."

It didn't matter whether it made sense or not, though, that didn't mean anything. "Did you though?" he pushed. "Take any?"

"What would you do if I said yes?" Chris sounded tired, a little curious but mostly just tired, and settled his head on the pillow so that he and Nick were face-to-face on their sides.

"We would deal with it," said Nick, still very careful and very tense. "Did you, Chris? Please just tell me."

"No," Chris said, "I didn't take any. They're still in my jeans pockets." He didn't move, just watched Nick. "I'm on new meds, I ain't gonna take anything till I see what happens."

"Good," said Nick, kissing him gently. "Would you be mad at me if I wanted to keep them?"

"Probably." Chris kissed him back. "You're no more trustworthy with meds than I am, Carter, you know that. I don't think I got enough here to do more than put me to sleep anyway, so you can stop worrying about it."

Sometimes NIck just had to trust him. "Okay," he said finally. "I just want everything to be okay is all, Chris."

"Nothing's okay," Chris said, even voiced and without emotion. "You know that." His eyes finally slid closed, and the knuckles of his curled hand brushed Nick's chest. "How was Joey?" he asked again.

"Joey was Joey," said Nick, seeing nothing else he could do other than cuddle closer to him. "He said it took him about a minute to get off, after he left us."

"'Course it did," Chris said, on a snort. "He's Joey, he'd have done it right in front of us if we'd let him. What did you two talk about so long, anyway?"

"Stuff," said Nick vaguely. "Do you really want to know?"

"Nah," Chris sighed. "You can tell me tomorrow or whatever." He nudged a little closer to Nick, gave a shiver that didn't seem like it was from the cold, and sighed again. "Wonder how long we got till I get my ass dragged back to bed?"

"You're gonna stay here," said Nick firmly, gripping Chris like he could somehow keep him there even if they *did* try to physically take him away. "You're better with me."

"Well, you and me know that, but I don't think the wardens agree," Chris said without much heat, though he curled comfortably against Nick. "We'll see."

"Yeah, we'll see," said Nick, tugging the blankets up even higher. "I"m better with you here, too."

"We're both better, that should convince 'em," Chris said, his voice fading off to something like a whisper. "sleep now," he mumbled. "Gotta. Night, baby."

"Night, Chris," said Nick, and watched him fall asleep before he closed his own eyes.

* * *

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