"What time was his flight supposed to get in again?" asked Chris, channel surfing rapidly until Joey snatched the remote control out of his hand and left it on MTV. "You said four, right? So he should probably be here by now." He glanced at his watch, the hands pointing at just four-thirty. Still, he hated this waiting part, and figured it ought to be over by now since he was already tired of it.

"He had to check his bags, Chris," Joey reminded him, probably trying to sound patient even though Chris knew he wanted to be patronizing. "Which means he had to *get* his bags. And he had to pack for a couple months, and take everything he wasn't gonna store at school, and ... just *relax*, will ya? You're, like, more excited than me."

"No," said Chris, rolling his eyes at him even though they both knew it was at least partly true. "I'm just tired of waiting already. It doesn't take *that* long. And I should know; we do it all the time. Besides ... it's gonna be cool to have him around again. Been a while." He shoved Joey's shoulder playfully. "How come *you* aren't more excited?"

Joey groaned and batted him away. "SOME of us get tired, during rehearsals," he replied sarcastically, then smirked. "Plus, I was up late. I'm too exhausted to get excited for your benefit, anyway. You know it'll be different when Lonnie brings him up."

"Up late," repeated Chris, using his fingers to make quotation marks around the phrase. "Yeah, I *heard* you guys bein' all up late over in your room. So much for rehearsal making you tired." The two of them didn't make so much noise anymore, so Chris always got his digs in where he could.

Joey didn't even blush, but he didn't tease Chris back about just being jealous, either. The way he might have, before. "It made *me* tired," he insisted instead. "Is it my fault that it doesn't have quite the same effect on my boyfriend?"

"No, that would be Wade's fault," admitted Chris, trying to snatch the remote control back so he'd at least have something to do while they waited. "You want me to get him to work JC a little more tonight? Ride him a little harder? Not the way *you* ride him, of course ... "

Joey laughed easily, standing up and holding the remote out of Chris's reach. "Wade wouldn't know what to do with him," he boasted, a fond, satisfied expression passing over his face. "And you can just stay out of it. Ain't nothing wrong with JC."

Chris just rolled his eyes again and took another quick look at the time. Joey and JC were so sickeningly happy together sometimes he almost couldn't take it. "Fine, not a word to Wade," he promised. "Not like I'm gonna argue with *that*. Though if he sets his sights on me, all bets are off. Understand? I'm not letting that sadist keep me an hour after again."

"Oh, poor *baby*," Joey started, when they both heard a knock at the door. He turned back to Chris, and *now* he looked excited, before bouncing over to the door and opening it.

"Matty!" he cried, eliciting a wince from his brother that Chris could see over Joey's shoulder. "Shit, man. Lookin' good."

"Joe," the other man replied, in a softer, less assuming voice, accepting the kiss on the cheek when it was offered. "You too, bro."

"Hey, Matt. Bout time!" said Chris as he finally got up himself up and gave him a fond smile. It was no sense fighting with Joey to be the first to greet his brother -- you would always, always lose. "You didn't have trouble at the airport again, did you?" Which he probably did, Chris knew. People were always mistaking him for his twin brother, despite the obvious differences they'd made in their appearances to avoid that.

"Hey, Chris," Matt said, pushing his brother away calmly and watching carefully as Chris approached. "Naw, wasn't too bad," he replied finally, after quite obviously sizing him up -- for what, Chris wasn't sure -- and holding out his hand for him to shake. "Pretty much everyone knows you guys've been in town for a while anyway."

"Good stuff," said Chris, giving him a grin and a pat on the shoulder as they shook. "You get the e-mail I sent you last night, or was your computer already packed?" They finally let go a few moments later and he backed up just a step, letting Joey hover at his brother's side but staying pretty close himself. Until he realized they were preventing him from coming all the way inside the room.

Joey snorted and rolled his eyes, and Matt looked embarrassed. "No," he said, elbowing his brother in the gut and smiling sweetly when he grunted. "I mean, yeah, I got your e-mail, and no, I didn't pack my computer yet. That was last."

"Cause he can't exist withOUT it," Joey added, grabbing him in a headlock and tugging him over to the couch. "Fucking dork."

Chris watched them for another moment, feeling -- as they all sometimes did -- that he would be intruding if he approached too fast. But he *was* excited to see Matt again and he wasn't gonna let Joey hog his time just because Matt was his brother.

"Okay, so what the hell did you do to your hair *this* time?" he asked finally, crossing his arms over his chest and smirking at him.

"What?" Matt said innocently, dancing out of Joey's reach, running his hands through the inky blue-black spikes. "Dude, this is the color I always thought *you* should go, man, but you were too much of a wuss." He waggled his eyebrows. "And check it."

He stuck out his tongue, proudly displaying a silver stud.

"Shit, why didn't you *tell* me?" said Chris, bouncing over to his side and trying to grab hold of the end of his tongue. "That was that week I could never reach you on the phone, wasn't it?" He punched Matt's shoulder, giving up on the tongue when Matt kept managing to squirm away. "Bastard. You knew I'd want to know."

"Mama's gonna *kill* you," Joey sing-songed, and Chris started a little, having halfway forgotten he was there.

"She already saw it, dumbass," Matt replied witheringly, sharing a look with Chris. "She doesn't care. I'm not the Fatone twin that's gotta make a living with my mouth."

"But I bet you could, now, with that baby," joked Chris, making one last grab for Matt's tongue. "You must be able to do some pretty impressive things." He elbowed Joey, catching the look on his face. "And no, JC cannot get one."

Matt grinned at Chris and stuck his tongue out again, curling it lasciviously at him before turning his attention back to his brother. "You guys good?" he asked, serious, still soft-spoken. "You haven't gone and fucked it up, or anything?"

Joey looked serious for a moment too, as he responded. "We're good," he smiled. "Promise. He keeps me in line. Best thing that ever happened to me. All that shit."

"They're loud," said Chris, stressing the word and giving Matt a significant look, knowing he would understand. Chris probably kept him more updated on Joey and JC's relationship than Joey did. "Invest in earplugs," he added for good measure. "Lemme see the tongue again. Hey, do you have one of them glow-in-the dark things you can get for it? Because that would be really cool."

"You're obsessed with my tongue," Matt protested, but showed it to him again, trying to talk with his mouth open. "No glow-in-the-dark. That shit's tacky, man. Plus, who the hell's gonna see it anyway?"

"No, no! That's the kind of thing you wear to a club, man. Or those ones that glow under black light -- what are they called? -- that shit's cool. You don't know what you're talking about." He tugged on Matt's arm to get him to sit down with him, making Joey make room for them. "Man ... it's so great to see you again. I hate that we gotta run off to rehearsal again soon."

Matt squinted at him. "You're secretly 16, aren't you," he deadpanned, and Joey snorted and stood up.

"Speaking of rehearsal," he sighed, sounding irritated but grinning anyway. "I gotta go wake up Sleeping Beauty and get him ready too. If I leave you with your 16-year-old babysitter, will you both behave?"

"Scout's honor," said Chris, giving Matt a wink. Knowing that things would be different when Joey wasn't around anyway. "And if we hear any noises other than waking him up I'm telling Wade that you want private lessons from him but were too afraid to ask. Got it?""

Joey waved him off and headed for the door, but not before Chris caught him mouth the word "jealous" to his brother. He was pretty sure he wasn't supposed to see that.

"Sooo," Matt said, turning to him but not meeting his eyes right away once Joey left. "How are you really? I can hardly tell from your e-mails, but ... "

Chris tried to wave off the question, but he knew he was unsuccessful even before he started speaking. "I'm fine," he said blandly. "You know, moving on and stuff. Keeping busy with, you know, all *this*. You?"

"Oh, fine," Matt echoed his casual tone, returning the dirty look Chris shot him. "What? I don't know why you insist on trying to ... I don't even know. Whatever you're tying to do." He sighed and moved closer. "Maybe I don't see you every day, Chris," he said softly. "But that doesn't mean I don't know you like ... like a brother would."

Chris sighed and closed his eyes as he nodded, because Matt did know him that well. And it worked both ways. "It still fucking hurts," he said finally, resisting the lump that rose up in his throat every time he let himself think about it head on. "But I know that's not gonna surprise you any. I'm sure the guys are sick and tired of me moping around and all, so I *am* moving on. Throwing myself into this tour right now."

"You look pissed at the world every time you're on camera," Matt pointed out bluntly. "How's that moving on? And ... I'm sure the guys aren't sick of you. I *know* Joey isn't ... he's just worried. They all are. *I* am. Chris ... you're *single* again. You missed out on all those perks of being as fucking huge as you are for the past two years. I know it hurts, but ... it's been months. You need to get laid, you *do*. And don't lie to me and tell me you have, either."

"The last thing I need," said Chris sharply, opening his eyes and staring at Matt, "is to get laid. *Not* that you're one to talk in the first place. But fuck it ... maybe I *am* pissed off at the world. So what. It makes us edgier, is what it does. Let Lance and Justin indulge in the 'perks' of fame, I won't want that shit. I *had* something good and now ... I don't." Matt bit his lip, and Chris could hear him clicking his tongue stud against the back of his teeth. "Don't be such a shithead," he said finally. "We're friends and I want to help but I don't have to kiss your ass, especially if you're just gonna give me shit about ... well, whatever." He stood up. "I'm gonna go unpack. I just wanted to come say hi. Have a good rehearsal."

"No, Matt, wait," said Chris quickly, the threat of Matt being gone snapping him out of his bitter self-pity. "Don't, all right? I just ... don't let this out much anymore. Sorry. And I didn't mean anything by ... I mean, I know you're not ready or whatever ... so sorry for that, too. Will you come back now?"

He turned back around, and Chris flinched at his hard look. "Just have some tact, dude," he said finally. "It's not cool to use the *one* thing that ... " Trailing off, Matt's expression became more tender than Chris expected. "Why aren't you talking about it, Chris? You so obviously need to."

"I'm tired of talking about it," he said, patting the couch next to him. "I'm tired of people just listening to me and acting like I should be over it already. Because, well, I'm *not*. And hearing that I'm feeling wrong or something, it just ... well, it doesnt' make me feel any better, I'll tell ya that much. I mean, how's a person supposed ot 'feel wrong' anyway? I feel what I feel."

"Who says what you're feeling is wrong?" Matt asked, his brow furrowing in an expression that was uniquely his. "You don't think that's what *I* was saying, do you? I ... I'm not even telling you to move on. You just ... " He laughed. "You need sex, dude. You *do.* You're way too strung out, even for you."

"I jerk off," protested Chris without shame. He and Matt had talked about things like this -- and seriously, too -- for years. "It's not like I'm a big ball of pent-up lust or something. Trust me when I say that the last thing I want to be doing is *sharing* that with someone right now. After 2 years with her, well, it's still too fucking intimate. I know I've kinda been ... avoiding this, when we've talked. Still feels kinda -- " He rubbed his chest, as though that would help soothe the pain. " -- raw."

Matt just looked uncomfortable with that -- not because he didn't want to help, Chris was certain, or because it was something they never broached, but probably because he didn't have a solution for it. The one right answer, the correct formula to use. The things Matt seemed to otherwise rely on.

"Well," he said, scratching his head. "WHat's gonna help, Chris?"

Chris chuckled suddenly, just glad to have Matt there to get right to the heart of it. "Fucked if I know," he said. "If I did, I'd be doing it. I was kinda banking on time, you know?" He rubbed his forehead this time. "Doesn't seem to be working so well, though. And then I was counting on distraction, the album, the tour. Nope. So now I just don't *know* what, and that's the honest truth."

"Do you want her back?" Matt looked down at his hands. "I mean. She probably would, you know. Come back. If she thought you wanted her." He spread his fingers wide, started picking at a cuticle. "Or. I don't know. Gone to, like. A friend? Not that that kind of casual sex would be any better, but ... "

"You're fixated on this sex thing," said Chris with a tiny smile, teasing him gently. "Do I want her back? Maybe ... but the way it used to be, not the way it is. And that time is long gone, Matt. Things are different now. Like ... *way* different. She wouldn't want to come back to this ... and yes, i *do* know that for a fact. Unfortunately." He could still hear Dani saying that to him, as a matter of fact, the gentle way she always broke the hard truths to him.

Chuckling self-consciously, Matt grinned at him. "Maybe I am," he admitted. "Whatever, I'm a math geek in graduate school; who wants to sleep with me? Can you blame me for being a little obsessed?" He squeezed Chris's shoulder. "'This' isn't forever, Chris," he said more gently. "Are you trying to wait it out so she *will* come back?"

"I don't ... think so," said Chris a little awkwardly. It was the same question he'd asked himself a hundred times before. "I'm trying to wait it out until it doesn't hurt so much anymore to think about not being with her, to think of being with anyone *but* her. I just didn't think it'd take so damn long." He hit Matt's shoulder again, not meeting his eyes until he was sure he had the memories under control. "And don't give me that crap about no one wanting to sleep with you. You don't have to do that with me and you know it. It's okay that you just don't want to ... "

"It's not," Matt said firmly, "that I don't *want* to. Come on, Chris. I'm a Fatone." He glanced back down at his lap. "We're not talking about me right now, though. I just need you to tell me that you're not, like, sabotaging this as a way to get her back. The other guys may not have the guts to call you on it, but I do."

"No!" said Chris sharply. "No, no, that's not it. I'm not even sure she *knows*." But he knew that was a lie, and he knew Matt knew that was a lie. He still *worked* with her, after all. "All right," he conceded with a nod. "But it's not about that. It's just about me feeling like she was *it*, you know? And not ready to give that up, I guess."

"I don't get it." Matt shook his head, scratching his knee. "But ... whether you like it or not, you've got me around all summer to try and explain it. Starting ... when you get done with rehearsal tonight, maybe? I'll let you take me out, since my brother's a married loser?"

Chris actually laughed that time. "You think they're bad now? Just wait 'til you see 'em with the rugrat. It's enough to put you into sugar shock." He kinda figured Matt wouldn't quite get it -- who could, if they'd never experienced it? -- but he also knew he was try. And he realized he'd kinda been counting on it. "Rehearsal's gonna go *late*, but I'll probably be up for it anyway. You coming, or you gonna hang out here and catch up on all that sleep you've missed over the last, like, *year*?"

Matt stood up and stretched, crossing his thick arms across his chest and cracking his back, and *that* was a movement both the Fatone brothers shared. "Dunno. You gonna make it worth my while if I go?"

"That depends *entirely* on what you mean by that," teased Chris, finally getting up himself. "Probably, if you're entertained by watching us haul our tired, sweaty asses all over the stage at the whim of our sadistic choreographer. Which I think I remember you are. Try not to laugh too hard."

"I'll try," Matt smiled. "There's very little that's more entertaining than that. I *do* need to unpack, though. You think you guys can spare me a bodyguard so I can come over later?"

"No, we're gonna make you fend for yourself, in a town that knows we're here," deadpanned Chris, then knocked his shoulder again. "Of course we can. We'd planned on it, this time. You're gonna be well taken care of, you don't need to worry about *that*."

"Who's worried?" Matt blustered, and Chris smiled to himself when he almost looked convincing. Matt *hated* being in the crowds -- it wasn't his personality -- but he'd learned to adapt. Been forced to adapt.

He surprised Chris, though, by stepping closer and giving him a huge hug -- bigger than the one he'd given his brother, by far. "I'm glad I'm here," he said quietly. "I'm sorry I wasn't, you know. Before."

"It's okay," said Chris sincerely, hugging him back and happy all over again that he was here. "I knew you couldn't be, Matt. Thanks for sitting there and listening to me sob to you over the phone those times over the first couple weeks. It meant a lot."

"Did it?" Matt said meekly, against his shoulder. "I should've come, anyway ... I *would've* come, but I was doing that modelling stuff for my advisor, and ... Joey, he said maybe it wouldn'tve made a difference ... "

"It would've been good to see you," he admitted honestly, knowing that Matt wouldn't accept anything less. "But at least I'm seeing you now. Trust me ... if anyone knows what it's like not to be able to get away, it's us. Okay?" He gave Matt another squeeze, not letting go just yet. A lot like hugs from Joey, hugs from Matt were full and warm and absolutely heartfelt.

Matt squeezed him back, and even lifted him off his feet a little before letting go. "Okay," he said, his cheeks a little pink. "I gotta go make a mess of my hotel room. I'll, uh ... catch you later? We can change into clubbing clothes when he get back?"

"Sounds good," said Chris, giving him a smile that was a little easier now. "I'm looking forward to it. You know, if I can still *move* when we're done. Wade seems to think we're all still teenagers or something." He gave a mock groan and held his back as though he couldn't stand upright, then winked at him. "Take you time; you'll still end up watching us for a while."

Matt opened his mouth, and Chris knew a year ago ... maybe even a few months ago ... he would've protested that Chris didn't need to go out with him. Would've taken the joke seriously. It made him feel good that he hadn't.

"Okay," he said, then showed off his tongue again before backing toward the door.

"Stop it," joked Chris, watching him go. "You're turning me on, fucker. I'll catch you later."

Matt's eyes widened; only briefly, but Chris was looking for it. "Yeah. Later."

Chris watched him go, a smile on his face, then turned back to his own things to get ready to head to rehearsal. He'd missed Matt even more than he'd realized, and was glad they were finally gonna get to spend some real time together again. He thought maybe he needed it more than ever.

---

Chris chuckled when Matt froze just inside the door of the club, visibly digging in his heels. "Nuh-uh, Chris," he said forcefully, tugging on his sleeve, eyes wide and darting around like a startled colt. "You didn't say this was the type of club we were going to ... "

"What?" said Chris, turning towards him and feigning innocence. "You don't like the music or something? Don't feel like dancing? We can just sit and drink if that's what you *want* ... "

Matt looked at him desperately. "Chris," he repeated. "You know that's not what I ... why ... you don't have to do this." He looked ashamed, enough that Chris actually started feeling guilty, until a young pretty boy passed by them and he saw Matt's eyes follow him.

"Look," said Chris seriously, though he was giving Matt an encouraging smile. "If you really want to go -- *really* want to go -- then just say so now, okay? And we will, I promise. But this is a pretty cool place, if you give it a chance ... and I figured it would be a good place to welcome you to New Orleans. You're gonna have a good time here, with us. I know it."

"You've been here before?" Matt squinted at him before glancing around again. "Oh. With JC and Joey, or something?" It was just ... precious ... the way he seemed embarrassed to be caught looking at ANYthing. And there wasn't even that much to see.

"I don't need an excuse to come here," said Chris, slapping him on the back lightly. "It's fun. Hell, I think it was *Lance* that introduced it to me anyway. Joey and JC are so *boring* sometimes, all kissy-face in front of the TV. I think JC performed some kind of witchcraft on your brother, man. It's eerie."

"I know," Matt groaned. "Jesus. I mean. If I didn't just adore JC, and think he was really good for him, I'd ... I dunno. Be worried. But, shit ... that's love, man. The takes-years-to-get-there kind." Chris knew he wasn't imagining the wistful look on his face.

"Yeah, it is," said Chris, and knew knew he was wearing a wistful look of his own. "What they've got, that's what we all secretly want. We just don't admit it when we want to look cool." He gave Matt a smile and another pat on the back. "You want a drink or something? We staying?"

Matt closed his eyes, like he was gathering up the courage to say yes. "We're staying," he agreed. "But let me go get the drinks, okay? So I look busy and not ... available." Chris could see the blush on his face under the funky lighting that made his hair glow.

"But you are available," Chris reminded him gently before he let him go. He'd thought maybe things had changed for Matt over the past few months, though he should have known better from their phone calls and emails, but Matt was still just as uncertain about this as he always had been. And in that way he and Joey couldn't be more different.

He watched him walk away, his tall, broad frame hunched so he wouldn't draw any attention to himself -- that was a reflex, Chris knew, but probably exacerbated by their environment. When he returned with a couple of long-necks, the blush had only deepened. "Dude. I'm drinking tonight. Just ... consider this fair warning."

"A drink'll probably do you some good, right about now," said Chris honestly as he accepted his own. "I've said it once and I'll say it again, Matthew, you need to loosen up a little when we go out. See anything you like?" Chris wouldn't have pushed it around anyone else, but it was just the two of them hanging out tonight so he did. It was good, sometimes, to make him deal with it a little.

"Not looking," Matt muttered, flinching at the use of his full name and downing half his bottle in one swallow in a way that Chris had only ever seen him and Joey do. "Look, I already said you don't have to do this. I came here tonight to hang out with *you*, to catch up with *you*. Not to have to ... whatever. Put up the facade."

"Yeah, and I came out tonight to hang out with *you*," Chris reminded him with a friendly nudge. "And I know all about you, Matt. There's nothing you need to be embarassed about in front of me. So don't look, if you don't want to, but don't NOT look either." He took a sip of his drink, small compared to Matt. "So you glad to finally have a break?"

"Yeah," he smiled, rubbing his goatee -- the one nod to being twins that he and Joey purposefully shared. "One more year. Then I need to kind of think about working for a living. Need another assistant?" he joked. "Model for the men's line of FuMan?"

"You're slightly overqualified," said Chris with a grin, beer still in his hand. "But you've got the look, I'll give you that. But I hardly thing you're going to grad school just to come work for me. Seriously ... you got any ideas what you want to do?"

Matt shrugged and got distracted by a couple of guys dancing near their table. "Can we not talk about school and stuff?" he said finally. "Seriously, I mean. Tonight. We can later, I just ... *you* see anything you like?" It was a weakly-concealed change of subject.

Chris chuckled. "And here I thought I was being nice changing the subject *to* that," he said, then looked around the bar. If Matt was gonna ask, he was gonna answer. "There's not really that much to look at here tonight," he admitted. "Just our luck, too, the first night I bring you here it's not wall-to-wall hot bodies."

"Blessing in disguise," Matt muttered. "I dunno. There's a guy over there that looks like a brainy JC, he's not so bad ... " Chris had to squint, and still barely could see the guy -- he'd underestimated how into this Matt was, despite his protest and discomfort. He wanted to be there.

"You can't fall for a guy that looks like JC," he teased anyway. "It would be too confusing for the rest of us. He's not bad, though, if you like that sort." He sipped his beer again, and started watching Matt again instead of the rest of the club. "I like the glasses," he commented, realizing that Matt was still looking in the other guy's direction.

"His? He's probably a bimbo," Matt sighed, finally turning back to Chris, who had to wonder if that's how he spent all his time out. Making up weak excuses for why he wouldn't talk to guys, so he didn't have to deal with the real reason.

"Yeah, his," he said, trying to keep his voice light. "Who *else* would I be talking about? You?" He gave Matt another smile, broad and open, and was glad he'd brought him here in spite of his discomfort. It was getting *his* mind off things, and would maybe let Matt let out this side of himself that he didn't nearly often enough. If they were lucky.

"You could've been," Matt protested, pushing the trendy black frames up on his nose. "Oh, but wait. That would've been, like, a compliment or something, and we can't have that. Not when you're trying to teach me a lesson, or whatever."

"What, and me telling you you had the look to model for me wasn't a compliment?" said Chris, sipping his beer again, still studying him. Matt *did* look good, as always. "Do you want me to lay off, Matt? Cause I will, I just ... " He sighed and gave him a smile that was a bit less cocky. "Wanted you to know that you can look, is all. *Should* look. There's no reason that you shouldn't have exactly what Joey has."

"I'm not going to find what Joey has in a club," Matt replied sullenly. "And you were right before, I'm not going to find it with the spitting image of my brother's lover, either." He drained his drink. "Another?"

Chris drained his own drink and nodded his head. Matt's response wasn't a yes *or* a no to his question, so he decided to push on. Once Matt got back with the drinks anyway. He watched him weave his way back to the bar, head down again, not making eye contact with anyone.

This time he came back with beers *and* shots, and Chris raised an eyebrow at him. "What?" he asked innocently. "You said loosen up. And don't tell me you need the painkiller after reherasal, if you're gonna dance with me out there ... "

Chris just shook his head in amusement; at least it was a better response than before. "I'm sure you can find someone better to dance with than me," he said as he took his beer. "But I'm not gonna say no, that's for sure. It's not every day that a guy like you asks me to dance." He frowned at the shots, though. "What *are* those?"

Matt blushed and looked over at their security, knowing as well as Chris did that Chris'd had plenty of people try and get close enough to ask already that evening. "Rusty screwdriver," he muttered, picking up his glass and holding it up challengingly. "Vodka, mostly. I know how to go easy on you, old man."

Chris made a face at him, but accepted it. "If it kills me, everyone's gonna know it's you," he warned him, raising the glass to his lips. "You'll never get away with it. I will be avenged!"

He watched Matt do his shot as he tossed his own back: watched his eyes flutter closed, dark eyelashes dusting his cheeks behind the glasses; watched for the hint of his tongue stud as he licked his lips when he finished. "You're a nut," he coughed, slipping closer. "and that's being nice."

"Yeah, but you always said you liked me that way," said Chris as he went to set the shot glass back down, still looking at him and almost dropping the glass on the floor in the process. "That actually wasn't so bad. We should have more of those."

"Right now?" Matt coughed again, grinning, the flush on his cheeks probably more from the alcohol than the embarrassment, finally. "Come on, nut. I kinda *do* want to dance. Think Wade would kill me if I gacked his new stuff and did it before you guys start the tour?"

"I won't tell if you won't," said Chris conspiratorially, happy enough just to get Matt out on the dance floor. "And it would fit in, too. Wade's really into hips right now. Ready?"

Matt laughed and reached for Chris's arm. "Like I could do any of that without a ton of practice," he backtracked. "I was kidding. I think I'll probably stick to the safe stuff." He bent his head closer to Chris's. "And you're staying close, right?"

"I won't abandon you out there," promised Chris with another grin. Matt definitely wasn't the accomplished dancer that Joey was, but he wouldn't take *that* long to pick up the basic moves. "Unless you find something more interesting. In which case I'd be happy to back off and drink my beer and ... watch." He gave Matt a playful leer before tugging on *his* arm this time, leading him out.

Glancing quickly in the direction of the JC-clone, Matt shook his head and pressed close up behind him, skin hot through the thin barrier of their tee shirts. "If the criteria is 'more interesting,' that's impossible," he promised, and giggled at himself -- made punchy from the trip, probably, in addition to the booze.

"You *know* what I meant," said Chris, nudging him as he pressed into the mass. "You'd tell me, if you did? You wouldn't just turn into a shrinking violet again?"

"A what??" Matt laughed, turning around and walking backwards, letting his hand slip down Chris's arm to grasp his fingers loosely. "No. I told you who I came to hang out with." He was blushing again; this time, it wasn't obviously alcohol-induced. "Don't hold it against me."

"Well, make up your mind," said Chris, leaning in towards him. "Do you want me held against you, or don't you?" Then he winked at him again as Matt tugged him further onto the dance floor, weaving between people.

"Did you always use to tease me this much?" Matt complained, finally finding a spot he seemed to like. "Or is it just, like, retribution for me telling you to go get laid yourself?"

"Oh, I always did this," Chris assured him as they finally began to dance. As much as they could, anyway; it was more like writhing, but close enough. "Even back when you were a gangly teenager and I met your brother at Universal. I was just less crude about it 'til you were all grown up. I'm sure you'll thank me for that one day. Okay, and maybe a little retribution. But *only* a little."

"I meant the innuendo-like teasing," Matt clarified, looking at Chris's forehead, then his ear -- anywhere but his eyes. "I'm fairly certain that's a new thing. You're getting, like, vindictive in your old age." He sounded serious, but he was also grinning one of his and his brother's trademark grins.

"Nah, not vindictive," said Chris. Bitter, maybe, but not vindictive, and his interactions with Matt had nothing to do with bitterness. "Just ... a little more observant, maybe. And you're cute when you blush." And if *that* didn't throw Matt off, nothing would. He wasn't kidding that it was fun to watch, and despite everything Matt seemed to be enjoying it too.

Matt looked at him sharply, then tripped over some guy's feet behind him and grabbed for Chris's shirt to steady himself. "Whoa," he said sheepishly, and then let go quickly. "Um. So. Observant, that's ... I'm not sure I know what you're talking about. Observant about me being gay? God, you had to know that before *I* did, Chris ... "

Chris grinned at him, surprised that he'd actually said it out loud; he didn't do that often. "Nah, you're right, I probably did," he said. "I just mean ... observant about how best to tease someone, and how best to make them all flustered." And maybe more observant about when *not* to tease, too.

"Like *you* telling anyone that they're cute, or that they turn you on, isn't going to make them flustered," Matt snorted with inebriated honesty. "I'm no different just 'cause I know you better than most. Do I seem to need to be teased?"

"Yeah, you did, actually," said Chris, poking him lightly. "And come on, you know me well enough to know when I'm teasing, right?" He had a disturbing thought, that he needed to clear up right away. "If I was doing something that you weren't comfortable with, you *would* tell me, right? I mean, you wouldn't just let me keep doing it." He never had before, but if he was not he picked a hell of a time to start.

"Oh, god, it's not that!" Matt insisted, actually looking marginally horrified that Chris thought he could make him uncomfortable, and pressing close up against him, around him, as if to prove it. "No. And you don't have to stop. I ... you're probably right, I need to be teased. I don't get to see my real big brothers enough, I guess. You'll do. Since you're here and all."

"If your big brothers tease you like *this*, I don't wanna know about it," said Chris with a grin that he knew was more than a little relieved. If Matt suddenly got uncomfortable with him, he didn't know what he would do. "Hmm, so *that's* how it is in your family ... " he added with a smirk.

Matt grimaced, and then laughed. "No. You know what I meant. And you know perfectly well it's not like that." He pulled Chris a little closer, then dropped his arms to his side so that only their chests and hips touched, every few moments, as they danced. "God, I haven't done this in forEVER ... "

"Why *not*?" asked Chris, leaning in toward him. "I'm sure there's no shortage of volunteers that would go with you. And don't tell me you were too busy, cause I *know* you could've found time to go out at least once in a while ... " He pressed his head against Matt's shoulder for a moment, then lifted it to smile at him. "One of these days, man, you're gonna turn into a menace, they way Joey was before JC captured him."

"I'd need a personality implant first," Matt protested. "I'm not like him. I'm not a people person, I never have been, and I don't know how to flirt, and ... we should just trade. I'll take his boyfriend and he can be 'single and ready to mingle' all over again."

"Poor thing," said Chris, reaching up to pat his head, and it wasn't entirely sarcasm. "Besides, you'd have to take the baby, too, and I really don't think you'd be able to find time for that. No worries, my child, you'll find yourself a nice man in spite of you. I can feel it in the air."

"Thanks for the confidence booster, there, Chris," Matt winced. "This would be hard enough if it was just me, but add to that being 'Joey Fatone's twin,' and having to be careful being out in public with guys -- if I ever meet any -- and it's like ... well. It's kind of like you. I'm just waiting this out. Except I don't get the perks that come with it, either."

"Oh, darlin'," said Chris, pulling Matt into a tight, impromptu hug. "You and me, we're a real pair, huh. I'm gonna shut up now and let us have a fun night. *But*, I will not apologize for bringing you here. You should at least be looking. It's good for the libido." He grinned as he let go of him and started dancing again.

---

Chris knocked on Matt's door again and even tried the handle, but there was still no answer. Frowning, he started to head back to his own room; it wasn't as though he urgently needed to see him or anything, but he'd been hoping to. At the last moment, he veered to the side toward Joey and JC's room instead.

He tapped on the door lightly and tried the handle out of instinct, even though it was almost never that they were actually open.

The door opened beneath his hand and was pulled open by a half-dressed JC on the other side. "Hey, man," he said, scrubbing his head with a towel and backing up so Chris could enter. "You doin' okay?"

"What? Yeah, sure," said Chris, stepping inside and looking around. The bed was a mess, as always, but the room seemed to be empty except for JC. "Was just looking for Matt, but I guess he's not here. I'll leave you to--" He looked closely at JC. "--whatever it is you were planning to do. You always open the door like that?"

"I knew it was you," JC chuckled, with a raised eyebrow. "You always knock the same way when you think you might be interrupting something." He walked over to his bag and grabbed a shirt. "What'd you need Matt for? I think he went shopping with Joey for something. Or they went out to eat."

"I don't *need* him," said Chris, coming further into the room when it was made clear he *wasn't* interrupting anything. "I was just ... whatever. Gonna hang out with him and talk or something. He didn't say he was going out when we talked before, so I didn't know."

"Oookay," JC said, looking at him curiously. "Well, I'm sure they'll be back soon. Wanna hang out and wait? I've barely seen *you* since he got here."

Chris grinned at him unselfconsciously. "That's hardly my fault," he said, shoving the rumpled covers out of his way and sitting down on the edge of the unmade bed. "When we're not rehearsing, you're busy exhausting Joey. How much energy you *have* anyway?"

JC returned the grin with an impish smile of his own. "What? I need to keep my man satisfied. This *is* Joey we're talking about. And it actually isn't *my* fault, either ... he's the one that attacks *me* after we dance."

"That's not what *he* says," protested Chris, shaking his head at him. "You're both just dirty liars aren'tcha. Is it any wonder I'm stealing Matt away whenever I can? Except when he sneaks off on me to spend time with his *brother*. I mean, why would he want to do *that*, anyway?"

"No idea," JC pretended to frown. "It's not like his brother's good for anything other than sex, anyway, and I doubt Matt's ready to go there again quite yet." A blank look crossed over his face. "Although there are worse things to think about ... Joey and Matt ... huh ... "

Chris just shook his head. "He hasn't ever," he said, wondering where the hell JC got *that* idea. "So as, um, interesting? as that picture might be, ain't gonna happen. You can have Joey all to yourself, and me and Matt will continue to sit around and *talk*."

JC turned to face Chris, cocking his head again, before tugging on his shirt and muffling his words. "Hasn't ever *what*? Slept with Joey? I *know* that, Chris."

"No, you moron," laughed Chris, shoving his shoulder. "Slept with someone. You'd think the guy could have anyone he wanted, looking like he does, but he's just not into that. Well, he's *into* it, he's just not ready yet or whatever. Which is fine, I guess, but gives me much fodder for teasing."

A very funny, uncomfortable look crossed over JC's face as soon as Chris said that. "Oh," he said, biting his lip and practically wringing his hands. "Um. Chris. That's not ... when's the last time you talked to Matt about that? Or is that ... I mean, do you not really discuss stuff like that."

"JC," said Chris impatiently, staring at him. "What the hell are you talking about? Of course we discuss stuff like that. We talk about *every*thing. I talk to him more than *Joey* does, for Christ's sake."

"Okay," JC raised up his hands defensively. "God, okay. I know; that's why I was confused. I assumed he'd told you, man. That he did. It. Did it." JC looked like he was trying hard not to ... pity Chris, or something.

"He what?" said Chris, his voice coming out dangerously softly. "Jesus. He did it. Okay, fine, I guess he *doesn't* tell me everything after all." He had to look away then, both to avoid the look on JC's face and to keep JC from seeing the look on his.

He didn't turn back until he had a little more control, until JC started tugging on his sleeve. "Maybe he ... maybe he was embarrassed," JC tried. "Or, um. Maybe he thought you'd give him shit about it, and just ... wanted to get more comfortable with the whole thing before telling you ... are you pissed or something?"

"I'm not pissed," said Chris simply. He wasn't pissed, he was hurt. Deeply. The understanding between him and Matt was that they could tell each other anything, so the fact that he chose *not* to ... well, it was a big deal. "You don't understand how it is between us, JC. If he didn't want to be teased about something, he says so and I don't. End of story. There's no reason ... " He sighed. "No reason that I can think of, anyway. I'm sure he had one."

JC looked uncomfortable again. "I guess he looks up to you a lot. You know you had your own shit going on, Chris ... he was probably being sweet, trying not to bother you with it. Give you something else to worry about. I wouldn't even know, except we went and visited him back in February, and it came up."

"Look, if he wants to tell you guys and not me, that's his business," snapped Chris. "And obviously none of mine. Sweet or not, it was his choice to make and he made it and, I guess, that's all there is to say about it. So what are you up to?"

"Whoa," JC said, more firmly. "Relax. I'm sorry he didn't say anything, but you don't have to take your shit out on me. Are you surprised, anyway? He sleeps with a huy for the first time, it's not what he expected ... *I'm* not surprised he wanted to talk to his brother, who is very gay, and his lover, who is also very gay, about it."

"That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt," said Chris, looking at him again. "And how does *he* know I wouldn't understand? For that matter, how do *you* know I wouldn't understand?" He bit his lip hard and tried not to let Chris read him, read how *deeply* he was feeling it. "He's just about my best friend, you know."

"He's a smart guy," JC responded. "I know you guys are close. But I also know how much you want this for him. And I think the fact that it didn't go well ... he thinks it's his fault. He doesn't want to share that. With you."

"He didn't deserve that," said Chris with a soft sigh, looking at JC sadly. "To have it not go well. He deserved way better than that. Dammit ... I wish we just could've talked about it, and I'd be telling *him* that."

JC looked down at his hands. "You can; you still can," he said. "He probably thinks you know already; he knows none of us can keep secrets from each other for shit. Everybody has a first time, Chris. Sometimes they *don't* go well."

"It's not that I didn' t know," said Chris, shaking his head. "It's that he didn't tell me. And dammit, it *should* have gone well. It's Matt and his first time should have been wonderful and special, not like the rest of us schmucks. But I will. Tell him that. I'll tell him until he believes it."

"He's okay," JC said softly. "It just wasn't ... Matt's a romantic. You have to know that. He's also a sap and likes to be sweet-talked. He's just learning that guys can do all that and then still leave before you wake up. He's *okay*, Chris."

"Yeah, so?" said Chris, lifting an eyebrow. "I know he's okay. I talk to him just about daily, I know he's not all torn up inside about it, any more than he was before. It still sucks. He deserved someone ... someone like you or something. You know?"

"Well, he didn't get that," JC said shortly. "Or he didn't wait for it. And maybe that's not a bad thing ... everybody puts up with shit like that. And you know he's not in a place to *be* with someone, either. So why's this such a bad thing?"

"Hey, relax," said Chris, raising his hands at JC's attitude. "I'm just ... I feel bad for him. Just remember I'm *just* finding out, okay? And I think really fucking highly of him and let me just say what I think he deserved without you thinking it means I don't have a grip on reality or something."

"Fine," JC replied defensively. "Why are we fighting, again, when we both obviously want the same thing? Look ... he finally felt too old, or too prudish, or *whatever*, and just fucked someone. It was *his* *decision*. He doesn't *regret* it."

"Well, good for him," said Chris, getting up off the bed hastily. "I'm glad he didn't regret it. I'm glad he did what he wanted, finally. I'm glad the guy got laid and was happy enough to tell *you* two about it. I think I'm gonna go back to my room now, all right? You can tell Matt I was looking for him. Or not. I guess it doesn't matter much."

JC grabbed him by the collar and tugged him back down on the bed. "*What* the *fuck*," he exclaimed, in his face. "What is *with* you. You're the guy that's been trying to get him to accept his sexuality, to enjoy it. Are you *jealous*? 'Cause that's how you';re acting, Chris."

"I'm *hurt*," retorted Chris. "I'm hurt that I heard it from you, and not him. And it's not like it happened yesterday, either, he's had *lots* of chances to say something. But he chose not to. And I really did think we told each other everything, JC, so it fucking *hurts* to find out we didn't. That's it, okay?"

"Maybe ... maybe he still will," JC floundered. "Give him a chance. He fucking *worships* you, Chris ... he might think you'll blame him for it. He's so scared."

"He knows I wouldn't do that," said Chris, shaking his head at him again, and vehemently. "He *should* know. It's not like that between us."

"Fine," JC pulled his hands away. "What do I know. I'm just ... I don't know, practically his fucking brother-in-law. And so it's not like I'd know whether he was having, like, nightmares about you laughing at him."

Chris's head shot up and he looked at JC with wide eyes, a bit of panic rising up in him again. "God, he's not, is he? Please say he's not, JC ... "

JC chewed on the inside of his cheek and looked away. "You need to talk to him. I'm sorry. I thought you should know, but ... this is something you guys need to talk about, not through me. Or Joey. Just ... try to be normal, man. Like, nice? For once?"

"That's unfair," snapped Chris. "Be nice, for once? That was totally uncalled for, JC. Besides which, you *don't* know what it's like between me and Matt. You *certainly* haven't read any of the epic e-mails we send back and forth all the time. We talk about a lot of shit, JC. You just don't get that, do you?"

"All *I'm* saying," JC protested, "is that he didn't tell you for a reason. Not that I know what it is. But you shouldn't yell at *me* for it."

"I'm *not* yelling at you," said Chris with a sidelong look at JC. "I'm not even yelling. And besides ... you're here. Who else am I gonna talk about this with?"

"Close enough," JC muttered. "Seriously, just get *over* it. Or ask him about it; he'll tell you, once he knows you know. Why's it so damn traumatic? He's not even really ... I mean, I know he's your friend, but you're not brothers, or whatever."

"You don't understand," muttered Chris as he got up again, really intending to leave this time. He didn't think he wanted to hear much more of this. "You think just because we're not brothers, we aren't that close? After all this time, you still don't understand ... "

"What?" JC said, his voice high and tight. "I don't understand what? What it's like to want to protect one of them from the things that are fucking real in this world, from the things that can ruin those gorgeous smiles? Yeah, *I* don't understand."

"Well, then don't just tell me to get over it, then," Chris pointed out to him, poking him in the shoulder and actually rocking him back a little even though it wasn't hard. "Because you know that *you* wouldn't, now would you?"

"Our situations," JC pointed out, "are slightly different. Just ... ask him about it, Chris, if you're that worried. Or ... don't, if it's more that you're pissed he didn't tell you than anything. Because I still think that was a good choice."

"Yeah, well, thanks for your faith in me," said Chris, narrowing his eyes at JC before heading to the door. "I treat him well," he turned around to add a moment later. "I always have. Would we still be this close if I didn't? Just ... think about that a little, before you say shit like that to me. All right?"

"Get over yourself," JC mumbled again. "He's not a kid, no matter how much you want him to be, so he can be the little brother that none of us will let you turn us into. I *know* you treat him well, but ... do *you* know that he's 24?"

"Probably better than any of you," said Chris, just staring at JC now, his hand on the doorknob behind him. He didn't know where all this was coming from, or why all of it was coming out now, but he didn't like it much. "And trust me, the last thing I think of him as is a little brother."

"Is that right?" JC asked archly, standing up and throwing his towel into the bathroom. "Funny. 'Cause I'd bet our first-week sales that's how he thinks you see him."

Chris frowned, remembering a couple of comments that Matt had made since he'd arrived. "It's not how I treat him," he said, finally. "And if that's how he thinks of it, well, I guess you're right. He and I need to talk. You wanna tell him I was looking for him, if he shows up back here?"

"Sure," JC said, his face clearing. "And Chris ... I really am sorry you had to hear it from me. I thought you knew, and then ... I didn't think you'd take it so ... badly."

"I didn't take it badly," said Chris, the frown letting up a little but not disappearing. "I just feel bad *for* him. No matter how old, it was his first time and he deserved better. Don't we all want that for people we care about?"

"You *did* take it bad," JC insisted, smiling at him. "You freaked out. But it was sweet ... I can tell him that, too, if you want." He looked serious about it, too.

"I ... I don't know what to tell him. Just make sure he knows that I do want to see him." Maybe he did take it bad, he admitted to himself, but there was nothing wrong with that. He had good reasons to. "And don't worry, I'll be *nice*."

"I'm not worried," JC sniffed, walking him to the door. "I'll find out if you weren't, anyway. You may be one of his best friends but I can still get his big brother to beat you up."

"Yeah, his 47-minutes-older brother," scoffed Chris. "And *I'm* the one who forgets he's 24?" He gave JC a friendly nudge, though, as he opened the door -- the last thing he wanted to do was start it all up again. "I'll see you later, all right?"

"'Kay," JC nodded, patting Chris on the back. "And listen ... I *do* want to talk to you sometime. About how you're doing. It's been too long, you hear me?" And god help him, he looked serious abut that, too.

"Yeah, it has been. You've been "busy"," he said, using his fingers to make quotes again, in a way he knew drove all of them nuts. "I'm doing good, though. Just so you know."

"'Kay," JC said again, quietly. "I'm glad. I'll tell Matt you were looking for him. And, uh ... let it slip that you might know, too. If that's an okay way to handle it."

"Whatever you think is best," said Chris honestly. "We *are* gonna be talking about it, so if you think it'll be easier if I don't just spring it on him, then, well, go for it."

JC looked torn, but still herded Chris out the door. "Um. Okay. I'll ... see if it comes up, or something. Or ask Joey. Just ... you're not gonna be pissy at him, are you?"

"No," Chris promised him with an inward sigh. "I'm not gonna be pissy at him. I told you, it's not about that. I just wanted to be there for him."

"You still can be," JC promised him. "And you know it. I'll send him by, big guy." He patted Chris's shoulder again, and tried another smile.

"Thanks," said Chris, and made his own attempt at a smile in return before he headed back to his own room. He *wouldn't* be pissy at Matt, but he wouldn't avoid telling him that he'd been hurt by it, either.

---

Chris knew as soon as he opened the door to find Matt there that JC had said something; he looked uncomfortable, and sheepish, and nervous. Like he was about to get a shot. But really, it made it better that he didn't have to come up with some way to tell Matt he knew. He was just glad Matt felt like he should be the one to go to *Chris* about it.

"Hey," Matt said quietly. "Talked to JC."

Chris swallowed and nodded his head. "I would never have laughed," he said quietly as he stepped back into the room, leaving the door open so Matt could follow. "I would never have made you feel bad, or said anything awful, or made you feel like it was your fault." He sat back down on the bad, then lay on his back and looked at the ceiling instead of at Matt. "I never would have been mean about it."

"Okay," Matt said from the other side of the room, not necessarily sounding like he believed him, but not *not* believing him, and not willing to argue about it. So what *would* you have done. What *are* you gonna do, Chris?" The bed dipped down beside him. "I fucked a guy. What do you think?"

"Doesn't matter what I think," said Chris, reaching out to wrap an arm around Matt's waist. "What did *you* think? You wanna talk about it?" JC had said that it wasn't great, but there were so many things that could mean, and he needed to hear it from Matt, maybe needed to hear how it had affected him more than what had actually happened.

Matt's shoulders heaved in a shrug. "I dunno. It was okay, I guess. Kinda ... fast, maybe? But okay. Nice to, uh. Get it over with." He sounded very much like he was walking some line between the truth and what he thought Chris wanted to hear.

"When did we stop being honest with each other, Matt?" asked Chris sadly, not even sure how to respond to the answer that he was sure wasn't. "And how come I didn't notice until now?"

Matt gave him a withering look that made Chris swallow. "Gee," he said softly. "I think you probably know the answer to that question. As for your other one ... I'm not not being honest. It *was* okay, and it *was* kind of fast, and it was *totally* time to get it over with. I was turning *24* ... "

"So?" said Chris, finally looking at him again. "And that wasn't what I meant, not exactly. I mean ... if my teasing was bugging you, then why didn't you say something? You know I wanted you to. And you know I would have stopped if you asked. Don't you?"

"I can handle it," Matt said firmly. "It wasn't that. I just ... didn't know how to tell you, I guess. And I even ... I even think maybe a part of me wanted to just do it again, do it enough before I told you so that I'd sound like I knew what I was talking about. Or something. Without sounding stupid."

"You don't need to *impress* me," said Chris in surprise, rolling over onto his side and holding Matt tighter. "Since when has our friendship been about that? Maybe I could have even ... helped, or something. I don't know. I just wish I hadn't found out from JC, you know? I wish that you'd been comfortable enough with me to tell me, and I wish I understood why you weren't."

Matt curled a little into Chris's body, and Chris was grateful. "It just seemed like a bad time," he said finally. "I would've told you. When you were better. When you were ... over her. God, it's one of the reasons I've been on your case so much about *getting* over her, maybe. For you, mostly, but for me some too."

"It's never a bad time," insisted Chris. "Especially not for someething like that. I know how big a deal that probably was for you, and I could've said something, I dunno, good. Sometimes that might make you feel a bit better about the whole thing. I'm good for stuff like that, right?"

"Very good," Matt agreed, touching his hair lightly. "So say something now. To make me feel better. Since it's been a while and I haven't gotten up the guts, or whatever, to do it again."

"How about ... even though I don't know what happened, I do know that it won't be like that every time," said Chris, biting his lip a little as he looked at Matt's face. Now that he wasn't hiding anything anymore, he could read the pain and guilt in it that he wished he'd seen before. "That I know it wasn't your fault, and that you deserved better than that for your first time. And that 24 *wasn't* too old, no matter how much I kidded you about it. And 25 wouldn't have been, either."

"23," Matt murmured. "It was the day before our birthday, when I met you guys in Tampa for the Super Bowl. And it *was* kinda my fault ... I mean, I let the stupid guy do it, you know? As for deserving better, or that it won't be like that every time ... thanks, Chris. It actually sounds believeable, coming from you."

"I mean it," said Chris, tightening his grip again. "What, you think you're the only person to ever have bad sex? Oh, the stories I could tell, my friend. Oh, the many, many stories I could tell. I just wanted better for you is all, wanted someone to do it right, so you'd just hop in there with both feet and finally find someone who could really make you happy."

"This has obviously taught me I need to find the guy to do it, first," Matt sighed. "Make me happy, I mean. I'm not ... made for casual sex. I think if I was, it wouldn't have been so miserable. Well ... not miserable. Just ... awkward. And did I say the fast part?"

Chris laughed softly, but not meanly. "Yeah, you mentioned that part," he assured him. "You wanna tell me about it now, Matt? It's not too late. We can still have this conversation."

Matt pulled away and sat up, blushing furiously but also precious in the way he tried so hard not to let on that he was embarrassed. "It was kinda stupid," he said. "I mean, I was careful and all, and the guy was nice, but ... I mean, I didn't do it for the right reasons. Whatever the right reasons are."

"Well, then next time you will," said Chris with a smile that only faltered a little when he could no longer really hold Matt and had to content himself with resting a hand on his leg. "Lesson learned. No harm done. So where'd you meet him, anyway?"

"Out," Matt said vaguely. "I'd seen him before, but ... I'd never ... " He looked down at his hands. "Well. He'd never propositioned me, I guess. But that night he did, and I was already all messed up about my birthday, and ... all the circumstances were just right. You know? You've ever slept with someone like that, like if one thing had gone different it never would've happened?"

"More than once," said Chris with a bit of a rueful grin. Before Dani there'd been a string of people, and a lot of them had just been the product of circumstance. "I guess it was just pretty much ... disappointing?"

"Mine?" Matt clarified. "Kinda yeah. I shouldn'tve expected any different, though. I mean ... he was nice and all, even when I told him I hadn't done it before, but ... he was drunk. And he didn't stay, and ... " He shook his head; looked over at the wall. "I don't know Joey does it, how you guys do it."

"Do what?" asked Chris, propping himself up so he could turn Matt's chin toward him again. He definitely wasn't looking like there was no harm done. "Do you mean, like, sex? Or something else?"

For a split-second Chris thought Matt was going to nuzzle his palm, but then it passed. "Just ... being with someone you don't love. Or at least are close to, if, you know, you were just gonna do it with a friend. Like ... you've been with guys. Have you ever, with anybody in the group ... ?"

"In the group? Nah, no way. I mean, look at my choices here -- Justin, and Lance. Um, no. No offense to either of them, of course." He snickered a little, dismissing the thought. "I guess ... it's okay being with someone you don't really care about if you know exactly what you're getting into, and know what to expect. And how could you know what to expect, if you'd never done it before?" He sighed and gave Matt's leg a squeeze. "He didn't, um, hurt you or anything, did he?"

Matt shook his head firmly. "No, no. No. It was fine. You don't think Joey woulda kicked his ass if he'd hurt me? And you know you woulda heard about it if he had. No. It's *fine*, Chris. I just gotta ... get to know the guy next time. So I'm not so fucking ... shy, in bed, I guess."

"Oh, Matty," said Chris, hoping he wouldn't get a swat for using the childhood nickname that Joey always did. "I swear to you we're gonna find you someone nice who you can get to know and be comfortable with and who'll be totally patient and understanding your first time together. We *will*. I mean it."

Matt pinched his leg, but also leaned into him a little more. "Mmm. Okay, Chris. And I promise it wasn't that bad. I was just ... nervous, about being naked, and a little intimidated because ... well, 'cause of him. But the *sex* ... it was ... you know. Fine. I mighta come if I wasn't so ... self-conscious."

"You didn't ... oh, geez," said Chris. "The guy was an idiot, I tell you. That's, like, the best part, just about ... making the other guy come. Or girl, for that matter. Well ... next time." He hoped that Matt believed it, that the next time would be so much better. And Chris would do everything he could to make sure of that. "And. um, the next time ... would you tell me, maybe?"

Matt smirked a little; shoved Chris's shoulder. "Okay. Perv. Want pictures, too?" He closed his eyes. "He was kind of an idiot, yeah. But ... he was hot. Is hot. And he blew me after so it wasn't a *total* loss. I just ... I think I'll probably be avoiding the awards shows for a while, until I get over the embarrassment."

"The what?" said Chris. "Who *was* it, anyway? I mean, you don't have to say, but ... " He shrugged his shoulders but knew that he still looked like he wanted to know. "Just don't regret it, okay? All this stuff, it's part of the learning process. Or something."

"The embarrassment of being so ... lame, or tame, or whatever, in bed with him." Matt cocked his head at him. "With ... oh. I thought JC told you ... shit. Okay." He was blushing again. "Remember you promised not to laugh."

"No, JC *didn't* tell me," said Chris, lifting an eyebrow at him. "I wasn't even aware that JC knew. And you know I won't laugh at you, Matt, not about this."

"Well, it's pretty fucking funny," Matt said slowly, sighing, twisting away again and pulling a pillow on top of his face as he threw himself down on the bed. "See, even JC was embarrassed for me," he mumbled. "It was Nick."

"Nick?" repeated Chris, frowing in confusion, trying to think of any Nicks they knew. "Who? And no matter who it was, it's nothing to be embarassed about, Matt. Okay?"

"Nick," Matt said again, pulling the pillow away and blinking up at him. "*Nick*. You know? Big, blond, arch-enemy? He kept laughing about being birthday boys and Howie kept trying to pull him away and you weren't *there*. So you should just believe me when I tell you it *was* something to be embarrassed about."

"Oh, man," said Chris, catching on, his eyes widening. Briefly thinking about how hot they'd probably been together, or would have been under different circumstances. "I didn't even know you guys had really spoken since you were introduced. And .. " He poked Matt's side, then pulled him closer so they were lying together. "It's *still* nothing to be embarassed about. You hear me?"

"We hadn't," Matt sighed, knocking his head against Chris's shoulder. "And that was the problem, remember?" He grunted and tried to push himself up with his hands. "Okay. Enough discussing the fatal mistake I made with Nick Carter and how many laughs he probably had over it. I'm mortified enough. Thanks for, um. Not judging."

"Hey," said Chris quietly. "I'm pretty sure he didn't laugh about it either. And if he did? Who cares. His loss that he didn't make it good enough to maybe catch the interest of the best guy I know. Is that, um, part of the reason you didn't tell me? Because it was someone I knew?"

"I guess," Matt said slowly. "And I'm sorry, Chris. That I didn't tell you. I'm just a little ashamed, and *still* feel like maybe I didn't do something right, or something. You don't exactly see Joey's phone, or Justin's, ringing off the hook with him trying to find *me*, do you?"

Chris gave him another impromptu hug. "You deserve better. Like I said, his loss that he didn't know how to treat you right. And you *told* him it was your first time, too. So ... is that your type? Big and blond? Just so I know what I'm looking for, when I try and find your Mr. Right."

"You need to worry about yourSELF, first," Matt protested, sitting up all the way. And not answering the question. "Unless that's how it's gonna be: you find me a boy, but I get to find you a new girl."

Chris shook his head and tried to pull Matt back down, but he resisted. "I'm not ready," he said, simply and honestly. "I'm not, Matt. But I think you are, so let's just focus on you for a while, shall we? And maybe getting my mind off *my* shit ... maybe that'll help me get past it. Deal?"

"No blonds, then," Matt said finally, sighing almost sadly when Chris finally met his eyes. "They're *not* my type, I don't think. Chris ... " he said, uncomfortably. "Don't push too much, okay? Please?"

Chris swallowed and nodded. "I won't," he promised. "I won't make you get with anyone if you don't want to. But at least ... we can have fun looking, for you? It's a start anyway. And no obligation to follow through on any of it. How does that sound?"

Matt nodded and glanced away. "Have fun looking, right," he muttered, then stood up. "Um. I guess ... you guys have rehearsal? I should let you get ready. I didn't mean to take so much time."

"Hey, wait," said Chris, sitting up on the bed and reaching out after him. That wasn't exactly the response he'd been looking for. "Did I say something wrong, Matt?"

Matt shook his head, still facing the door. "No, I'm good," he said quickly. "Promise. Just ... you know. Trying to get over feeling like ... nevermind." He threw a quick grin over his shoulder, and Chris had to wonder if it was only because he knew Chris wouldn't let him leave without one.

"We gonna hang out again tonight?" asked Chris, knowing that they'd pretty much reached the end of what Matt was willing to talk about right then. He would push him, yeah, but not past that line.

"You gonna trick me into going to a gay bar again tonight?" Matt retorted, but his tone was neutral. "I dunno. If you didn't have something better to do, we could, I guess."

"Well, not if you have plans," said Chris, backing off and feeling hurt again, though he wasn't even sure why this time. "I was thinking about staying in, but ... whatever. Think about it, k?" He'd obviously done something wrong here, something that was making Matt more uncomfortable with him than he'd ever seen him, but Matt wasn't being very forthcoming about what. "Just ... okay, you know I'd never hurt you on purpose, right?"

"You don't," Matt admitted, his hand on the door. "You can't. Don't worry. I'll ... be here. When you get back." That was a surprise, too ... he'd been to every rehearsal since he'd arrived. "Call me?"

"Call you? Um ... sure," said Chris. "When? I mean, from rehearsal, or when I get here, or what?" What he really wanted to do wall pull Matt into a great big hug and made everything better, but that was a bit ridiculous. He just hoped that was exactly what Joey had done for him.

Matt snorted softly. "When you get back," he explained. "When you're ready for me to come over, when you don't smell like week-old gym shorts. And ... I'll rub your knees like you like."

"Oh, wow," said Chris, almost sagging with relief. "If that isn't friendship, I don't know what is. And I'll have you know I smell like roses when I come out of rehearsal. Or at least compared to your brother I do. So I'll see you later, I guess."

"Yeah, decomposing roses," Matt snarked. "But yeah, see you later. And thanks, Chris. Just ... you don't have to make this into a big deal, okay?"

Maybe I'm just making up for the last few months of not knowing, Chris thought, but didn't say aloud. "I'm not making any bigger deal about your love life than I always have," he pointed out instead. "But no gay bar tonight. I promise."

"Thanks," Matt replied, pausing again at the door before turning back around, walking quickly over to where Chris still sat, and kissing his cheek softly. "Thanks," he whispered again, blushing, and slipped out of the room before Chris could even say anything.

---

"Did you see that little glint in his eye?" asked Chris, draining most of his bottle of water in two gulps and pouring the rest over his face. Joey took the seat next to him but had barely started opening his own bottle. "He's trying to kill me. He is. And that boy does *not* have a sense of humor either."

"No, he just doesn't have *your* sense of humor," Joey pointed out, sipping his water and wiping his mouth as he watched JC speak with Wade across the room. "And god, you're in rare form ... hell week's when you usually ride the rest of us, man. What's up with you?"

"What do you mean?" asked Chris, looking around for more water. "Nothing's up with me. Can't a guy be in a good mood sometimes, despite getting his butt kicked by a punk kid every time he gets it up on stage?" He gave Joey a grin and shoved his wet hair off his face. "And he *is* trying to kill me. You can *tell*."

"Did you see that little glint in his eye?" asked Chris, draining most of his bottle of water in two gulps and pouring the rest over his face. Joey took the seat next to him but had barely started opening his own bottle. "He's trying to kill me. He is. And that boy does *not* have a sense of humor either."

"No, he just doesn't have *your* sense of humor," Joey pointed out, sipping his water and wiping his mouth as he watched JC speak with Wade across the room. "And god, you're in rare form ... hell week's when you usually ride the rest of us, man. What's up with you?"

"What do you mean?" asked Chris, looking around for more water. "Nothing's up with me. Can't a guy be in a good mood sometimes, despite getting his butt kicked by a punk kid every time he gets it up on stage?" He gave Joey a grin and shoved his wet hair off his face. "And he *is* trying to kill me. You can *tell*."

"You need more attention than anyone I've ever known," Joey shook his head. "Shit. No wonder you're so happy Matty's here -- you've got something to keep you occupied. New project, right?"

"Don't call him Matty," said Chris elbowing him. "And of *course* I'm happy he's here. I'm always happy when he comes to visit. I don't have to kill my wrists writing to him at 2 in the morning with all you guys yelling at me to cut out that typing racket."

Joey arched his eyebrow at him, then tossed him another bottle of water. "I'm allowed to call him Matty," he said casually, before his voice turned pointed. "I'm also allowed to be the protective brother every once in a while and check up on him."

"And just what would you be protecting him from right now?" asked Chris as he opened the water, looking at Joey curiously ... and a bit suspiciously.

"Oh," Joey waved his hands airily, but his eyes were dark. "You know. Just wondering how your conversation went, this afternoon. How'd it go, Chris?" Chris looked down at the bottle instead of answering right away, wondering what Joey was expecting to hear, and wondering why he was being so villainized, all of a sudden.

"It went as well as could be expected," he said finally, without looking up. "Considering the circumstances. We said a lot of things that should have been said a few months ago. I'm not something you need to protect him from, Joey, if that's what you're suggesting ... "

"It's not," Joey said easily, practically cutting him off. "I know you wouldn't hurt him on purpose." Something inside Chris jerked at that, the words that mirrored what he'd told Matt himself earlier. "I just know you, and you much you ... value your friendship. And when we -- me and Jace -- found out today that you didn't know? about ... what happened? we were just a little worried about how it might come out."

"Well, it came out fine," said Chris, a little shortly even though he hadn't meant it to come out that way. "I'm still not comfortable with how it all happened, but there's not much I can do about it now. He's fine. I'm fine. We're all fine, here."

Joey clasped his shoulder good-naturedly. "Fine," he echoed, and grinned. "If it makes you feel better, I really did assume you knew. He always tells you that kind of shit."

"He used to, anyway," muttered Chris softly. Hearing that was about the last thing that would make him feel better about it. "But it's all out there now."

"Well, good," Joey said, then kept his hand on Chris's arm as he obviously got distracted again by JC. "Well?" he said, after a moment. "So? What'd you think, man? Any reaction? Any thoughts? I'm kinda proud of him, even if he's still shocked about the whole thing I think."

Chris scratched his head, then slicked his hair back again. "I wish it had been better for him," he confessed finally. "I wish he was *taking* it better. I'm not sure how to feel about it yet, except I feel like I need to make sure *he* doesn't think it was a bad thing."

"He's too serious," Joey shrugged, in that easily critical way you could be about your own family. "What do you expect, you wait that long? Of course it's not gonna be what you've spent the ten years of your life since you hit puberty jerking off about, you know?"

Chris shrugged non-committally. "I can still wish it was better," he said, "but at least the pressure of his first time is off now. Now he's not gonna feel like there's any rush or pressure to do anything more, until he really feels like he's ready this time."

"Or until someone unwittingly pushes him to find someone else," Joey replied, staring off at JC so that Chris couldn't even tell if he was being intentionally pointed or not. "Even someone with the best intentions," he went on, and with that Chris *knew* he was.

"Did he say that to you?" asked Chris, equally pointed. "Because unless he did, I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't jump to conclusions. Jeez, you and your boyfriend. You think you know *every*thing."

"We do know everything," Joey smiled, his eyes stuck on his lover for another moment until he looked back over at Chris. "Relax. I just ...think he probably doesn't want anybody to make a big deal out of it. And I could see you turning this into a 'project' or something."

It's not like that," said Chris, frustrated with how many times he's had to say that since Matt arrived. Especially since it seemed like Joey was putting a lot more pressure on his brother than Chris ever had. "I already told him flat out that he didn't have to do anything until he was ready this time. Or ever. Does that make you feel better, o overprotective big brother?"

"Yes, if you mean it," Joey replied, then grinned. "Okay, relax. Come on. I trust you, he trusts you, I'm really glad he'll have you around this tour to play with. Y'all are gonna be out at the clubs every night, aren't you? I'm jealous."

"Not *every* night," said Chris, especially since he fully intended to spend that particular night holed up in the hotel. "I'm getting old. I can't keep up you young'ns anymore." He gave Joey a wink, knowing he still went out at least twice as much as Joey and JC did. "But often enough."

"Just no more Backstreet Boys," Joey warned, wincing. "That was fucking doomed from the start, man. My brother's the dumbest math genius on the planet; that's all I gotta say."

"At least he picked the cute one," said Chris, finishing off the second bottle of water. "You didn't tell *him* you thought it was dumb, did you?"

Joey rolled his eyes at him. "I didn't say it was dumb," he pointed out. "Just that *he* was dumb, if he thought that would be what he wanted. And Nick's not that cute," he sniffed finally, and Chris had to smirk to himself, knowing that no one would be cute enough as far as Joey was concerned.

"Just hoping the word "dumb" didn't come up," said Chris, knocking him on the shoulder. "Your brother's the senstitive sort. What's he doing tonight anyway, that he couldn't be here?"

"Like I'm supposed to know?" Joey exclaimed. "He's not coming? Got me. Maybe he got a new game for his laptop or something, the big loser. I have no idea what he's spending his time doing, when he's not with you."

"Shopping with you, apparently," Chris pointed out. "So I figured it's not *too* unreasonable that he might have told his brother -- who he spent part of the afternoon with -- what his plans for tonight were." He didn't think it was a game, and he better not have been doing any work, either. He was supposed to be taking a *break* ... not that Matt knew how to take a break any more than the rest of them.

"Dude, it's practically the first time I've seen him since he got here," Joey protested. "And I swear he didn't say anything to me about not coming tonight. Are you *sure* he was, like, normal after he talked to you? Maybe he's avoiding you."

"No, no," said Chris dismissively. "We're getting together *after* rehearsal. I just figured he was busy this evening or something, since he said he wasn't coming. He's not *avoiding* me. And why would you think it's me, anyway? How do you know he's not avoiding someone else or something?"

Joey laughed and stood up. "He always avoids everyone else," he reminded him. "Nothing new about that. But I figure since he's been following you around all week, *you're* the reason he wouldn't be here now. But if you said you had plans ... I still say he got a new game."

"Well, maybe," admutted Chris grudgingly. "Fucked it I know, he didn't say. Did he *buy* a new game, when you were out or something? Is that why you're so sure?" Besides, Matt didn't *avoid* everyone else, he and Chris just usually had plans.

Joey squinted at him, then looked back at JC, and Chris figured he had about thirty seconds' more of his attention. "Naw, dude. I thought he was coming; Jace thought he was coming. He didn't buy a game. I don't know shit about no stinkin' plans. What's the big deal? I know you like to pretend to be his big brother and all but he's GOT two of them."

"It's not a big deal," said Chris, frowning at him. "I never said it was a big deal. I was just asking, because it was strange, and I thought you might know, that's all. Geez, Joey. I'm not trying to be his brother. I'm trying to be his friend. Which, if you'll recall, I've *always* been."

"Relax," Joey said again, smiling at JC and grinning broader when he waved. "It's not strange. He didn't want to come for our millionth rehearsal; who can blame him?" He wiped off his face with his towel again. "what are you doing tonight?"

Chris shrugged. "Just hanging around the hotel or something. I dunno yet. I guess we'll make plans when I get back. I think we're both kinda hoping to, um, talk a little more. About whatever." Actually, he wasn't sure at all that Matt wanted to talk, but *he* did. And if Matt didn't, well, then they could watch TV or something. Get some rest for once.

"Cool," Joey murmured, patting his shoulder one final time. "Thanks for looking out for him, man. I know you're friends and all, but this is still above and beyond. That's really decent of you."

"Um, thanks," said Chris, unsure quite how to take that. "I *do* look out for him, in my own way. And I won't even ask what you're up to tonight, I'm pretty sure I already know." He saw JC motion to *both* of them, and sighed. "Break's over. And here I go to give that little punk another chance to kill me. Some kind of masochist, I must be."

"Just think about it being over in ninety minutes," Joey mumbled, his eyes on JC as he dumped another bottle of water over his head and neck and chest. "Shit. Except then I'm just giving someone *else* an opportunity to kill me."

Chris grinned at the sight, more at Joey's expression than JC's actions. "Ninety minutes if we're lucky," he said. "And you know you're dying to give that boy a chance to try and kill you. You aren't fooling anyone. Ninety minutes can't go fast enough."

"Fuck. How'd I go and fall for his skinny ass anyway, I ask you," Joey muttered, but he winked at Chris as they headed over. "All I'm saying is that if Matty doesn't show up at your room tonight, it's cause I dyed his hair and made him fill in for me."

"I think JC might notice," laughed Chris, shoving Joey playfully. "If Matt doesn't show up in my room tonight, I *am* gonna blame you, though. Don't fuck this up for me, Joey, I'm looking foward to it." He shoved him again, hoping Joey knew he was half teasing, but only half. Matt's friendship was that important to him, and he didn't want JC's and Joey's suspicions to make things any more awkward than they already were between them.

"Okay, jeez," Joey replied. "I won't get in the middle of your sacred love." They made it over to JC who wrapped his arms around Joey immediately, and it looked like neither one of them even realized they were stinky and dirty. "Hey, angel boy," he said.

"Hey," JC replied, kissing Joey's shoulder. "Whose sacred love?"

"Yours," said Chris, rolling his eyes at the both of them. "Yours is definitely the only sacred love around here. Look, I am not overreacting, I'm not making a big deal out of it, I'm not going to push him, I'm not going to hurt him, and can we please go through the rest of this rehearsal without mentioning your brother? I'm sorry I brought it up."

The both stared at him, then exchanged a glance that he was disgustingly sure they could interpret. "No problem," Joey said, just as JC replied "okay, honey." Chris had to -- *had* to -- roll his eyes.

"Consider it done," Joey went on, winking at JC and pulling him toward the stage with a hand gripping his waistband.

Chris watched them go and followed a moment later, thinking it was possibly going to be the longest ninety minutes of his life.

---

"Jesus!" Matt blurted, averting his gaze as he walked through the door that Chris held open for him. "I thought you said you were done. 'Showered and ready,' you said. Normally people have on more than underwear when they're 'ready' to have guests, Chris."

Chris laughed and looked down at himself. "What, like you've never seen me in my boxers before? It's warm in here." When Matt didn't look back at him, he sighed dramatically. "Fine, I'll put on my pants for you, would that make you happy?"

"It would make me *comfortable*," Matt said pointedly, flopping down on the bed and grunting a little. "How was rehearsal? Couldn't have been all that awful -- I think Joey was fucking JC up against the door again, when I walked by."

"Good lord," muttered Chris as he pulled on a pair of jeans. "If either one of them complains about bruises on their hip from the doorknob again, I'm telling them to shut the fuck up. I mean it. Besides-- " He turned back around as he finished buttoning the pants and gave Matt an exaggerated pout. "I'm not talking to them anymore anyway. So do I need to put a shirt on or is this enough for you?"

Matt waved his concern off, but still wasn't looking at him. "Why aren't you talking to them?" he asked instead. "Are you ... it's not 'cause you're mad at them for not telling you about ... about me, before, is it?"

"No," said Chris shortly. "It's because they're both being dicks about this whole thing. Both making vague threats toward me about how I should and shouldn't be with you. And, I mean, Joey had the nerve to suggest that you were avoiding me today, when you didn't come to rehearsal. I mean, whatever!" He flopped down on the bed on his stomach and propped himself up on his elbows to look at Matt when he talked to him, even though Matt wasn't looking back.

Matt flinched, and mumbled something to himself before faking a laugh. "Avoiding you, right," he smiled, finally looking back at him. "Joe's a moron. Uh ... can I ask how they think you shouldn't be, um, 'with' me? I think I might've missed the boat on that one ... "

"Oh, it's nothing," he said dismissively, even though it was eating away at him. "It's like they think I'm pushing you to get laid again or something, when I'm the guy saying wait as long as you need to. And *they* seem to be the guys making you feel like you need to do it just 'cause of how old you are. I mean, wait until you're 30 if you need to, for that. All *I'm* saying is that I want you to be able to look, without feeling embarassed about it. But they just don't *get* that." He stopped abruptly there, realizing he'd been going on and hoping he hadn't lost Matt's attention in the process.

Matt muttered to himself again, something about 'minding their own fucking business,' but he gave Chris another brave smile. "I told you I'm not embarrassed," he insisted. "Not to look, at least. It's the taking off the clothes part that gets a little scary." He bit his lip. "Not that we have to talk about it, but I still don't get it. You think *they're* the reason I felt too old to have never done it?"

"Well, no," admitted Chris, shoving over so Matt could get on the bed if he wanted to. "But there were a couple things Joey said ... like he thought it was about time you did it. I thought maybe he was putting pressure on your or something? Making you feel like you shoulda done it before? I dunno. And you do too still get embarassed. Don't think I didn't see how you were in that club the other night."

Matt still looked self-conscious. "Shut up," he mumbled. "And Joe's not pushing me, and Jace isn't either. Except ... well, unless you mean the fact that I want what they have so bad I can taste it." He looked up guiltily when he said that, almost like he couldn't believe it came out of his mouth. "Um. Or something."

"Yeah, I know what you mean," Chris went on smoothly, choosing not to acknowledge that moment of awkwardness. "What they have is something special, something we *all* want, I think, not just you." He patted the bed next to him, still trying to coax Matt to join him, wondering why he hadn't already. He'd never seemed to hesitate this much with him before.

Matt saw him this time, or at least acknowledged him, and sat gingerly on the mattress. "Yeah, well. Any great ideas about where to find someone I can have that with, then? 'Cause my efforts have kinda failed miserably in that department."

"Well," said Chris carefully. "Um ... have you ever dated someone, Matt?" A week ago he would have assumed he already knew the answer to that question; now he wasn't so sure. "Because that's probably a better place to start, for what you're looking for, than where you did. Not that there was anything wrong with what you *did* do, it just wasn't the basis for a meaningful relationship is all."

"You know I haven't," Matt sighed. "I just ... in school, I barely ever got out from around Joey's shadow, and then ... college I spent too much time in the library 'cause I was shy, until I *had* to spend all the time there because I started getting stalked by all those girls, remember? And I just ... have no place to *meet* anybody."

"Well, spending all that time in the library did wonders for your GPA, but very little for your social life," acknowledged Chris. "I met someone in a library once, but ... well, nevermind that. You should get Joey and JC to introduce you to someone. They have, like, a *billion* gay friends. And if there's one thing I know, it's that it *always* turns out better if you're friends with someone first. It's like ... you just need to get to know people before you decide to date anyone, because sometimes it just kinda happens from there."

"I know that, Chris," Matt said carefully. "But it's complicated, and ... well. Okay. I'll ask JC, see if he has anybody he thinks is nice. Although ... don't you think *they* would've thought of that, if they thought it was a good idea? Maybe they think I've got too much baggage to set someone up with, or something."

"Maybe they didn't try because you haven't told them you're ready for that?" suggested Chris, even though that didn't make a lot of sense, since Joey was pretty adamant that 23 was plenty old for Matt to have been to start having sex. "Or maybe they just don't know anyone who's good enough for you. Now *there's* a possibility. Because ...who is, right?"

Matt blushed, and looked away. "Sooner or later I'll have to try it with someone," he said quietly. "And I doubt there's any way he'll meet my expectations AND Jace and Joe's AND yours. There's something to be said for settling to get the experience. I'm learning *that* real quick."

"Hey," said Chris, scooting up and wrapping an arm comfortably around Matt's waist. "Don't ever settle, all right? Just ... go for what *you* want, because no one knows what you want better than you do. And don't pay any attention to me or JC or Joey or anyone else. Except when we talk about safe sex. Because that's important. Okay?"

"I know, thanks," Matt shrugged at him, then tugged a little at his own jeans. "Actually ... *about* that, what I want ... "

He was cut off abruptly by the chirping of Chris's cell phone, and gave him an apologetic nod.

"Shit," said Chris, dangling over the side of the bed and rummaging for the phone that he'd left in some other article of clothing. "Hold that thought, okay? Whoever it is, I'll get rid of them quick, promise. It's probably Joey checking up on me anyway." He rolled his eyes in Matt's direction as he finally yanked the phone out of a jacket pocket. "Hello?" The voice on the other end of the line was just about the last thing he'd been expecting to here. "Oh, um, hi Dani."

Matt's eyes widened at that and he stood up abruptly just as Dani started speaking on the other end. "Hey, Chris," she said, her voice even and restrained like it had been every time they'd talked since the beginning of the year. "How are you? I was just calling to see how rehearsals are going for the tour."

"They're going, um, fine," he said, gesturing for Matt to come *back* already at the same time as he hoisted himself back up onto the bed. "You know, lots ot stuff going on. Busy as always." It felt strange that she would call about that, especially right *now*, so late at night. He wondered if maybe someone had suggested to her that he wasn't doing so well.

Matt didn't leave, but he didn't sit back down, either, his weight shifting anxiously from side to side. "You're taking care of your knees, right?" Dani asked, after making a bit of a non-committal humming noise. "I know you hate wearing those braces, but don't forget what the doctor said, and ... "

"I am, I am," Chris assured her, even though he hadn't been all the time. "And I even have someone who's promised to rub them for me -- " He shot Matt a quick smile. " -- so don't worry, i'm taking care of myself. No matter what you might have been told. And yes, I'm eating properly too, before you even ask."

He was still watching Matt, and saw the flinch when he heard his tone, his pointed words. Had time to think about it, too, while Dani sat silent for a moment. "Okay," she said slowly. "Serves me right for pretending to care. Why don't you call me back when you feel like acting your age."

"Why *are* you?" Chris had to ask, his tone softening. "Because, I mean, you haven't ... before. You know that. So, um, why now?"

"It's been a while, Chris," he heard her say, as Matt started inching toward the door again. "I've wanted to ... be there for you, but I was ...waiting until maybe it wouldn't be misinterpreted. Guess I worried for nothing, huh."

Chris gestured at Matt again, trying not to look impatient at him. He didn't need to go, and didn't he know that Chris would have said something if he wanted to be alone? Or would have gone into the bathroom or something?

"Misinterpreted how?" asked Chris, trying to keep his voice soft even though her words were like a stinging blow to his well-hidden hopes that things could still work out. Hopes that had already been fading for a long time now, that he wasn't even sure were there sometimes. "I really am doing okay. I wasn't just being ... whatever, about that."

"Just that, if you knew that I still cared, you'd think that it meant everything else didn't matter any more," she said uncomfortably. "All the other things that we said. But ... I'm glad you say you're doing okay. I just ... it doesn't *look* like it," she finished bluntly.

"So you're saying I look like shit, then," said Chris with a sigh. "Well, it's not like you're the only one who's said that to me lately. It's not like it's been *easy* you know ... I mean, one day you're there and the next you're not and that changed *every*thing. But I'm doing fine. As well as can be expected, anyway. And if I look like I'm not happy? Well, maybe it's because I'm not."

He hadn't been looking up at Matt the whole time, still gesturing for him blindly, and only looked up when he finally finished speaking.

He shouldn't have been surprised, he *knew* he shouldn'tve, when he just caught the door clicking shut behind him as Dani inhaled sharply in his ear. "Don't," she said. "Don't make me feel bad about this. You *agreed*, Chris. You *know* this was for the best. You think I was happy, when we made the decision? I wasn't. At all. But we both have to move on or we'll never have ANY kind of relationship, and I don't want you not in my life, Chris."

"Fuck," muttered Chris under his breath, staring at the door. "What? No, I know that, but you told me I wasn't looking so good and I told you why. I'm sure it was no surprise." He sighed as he realized he couldn't go after Matt unti lthe conversation was over. "Look ... you know I don't want to lose you either. But just ... don't be surprised that I'm still a little broken up about this, all right?" He rubbed the heel of his hand over his eyes, catching any stray tears that might have been building up. He might have agreed to this, but he hadn't really felt like he had any other choice at the time.

"I'm not," she said quietly. "I'm sorry. I really hoped it had been enough ... time, or distance, but I guess I knew it wasn't. I'll just ... let you get back to whoever you were with when I called," she said, observant as always, her voice only hitching a little at it. "I'll let you call me next time, okay, honey? And ... I love you. Miss you."

"Fuck," muttered Chris again, the tears really starting to well up this time. "He left anyway," he said, trying not to sniffle or sound like he was anything other than fine. "And I miss you, too. Good-bye, Dani."

"Love you," she said again, and Chris knew it hadn't escaped her attention that for maybe the first time, he hadn't said it back. "Bye." The click and dead air on the cell phone was more morbid than a dial tone.

Chris threw the cell phone on the floor and rubbed angrily at his eyes again, but they were far too wet this time. He was angry at Dani for calling and angry at Matt for leaving and angry at himself that she could still do this to him with a few simple words even after all this time. Without even stopping to grab a shirt off the floor he flung himself off the bed and stormed to the door, throwing it open and staring out into the hall as though he thought Matt would be right there, waiting.

"Fuck," he said again, under his breath, and thought maybe he'd be saying that a lot before the night was over.

Matt *was* there, but it didn't look like he was particularly *waiting* for Chris. He was slumped on the floor with his back against the door of his own room, his head in his hands, looking miserable and lonely and alone and *young*.

"Hey," Chris tried to say, but it came out more like a croak so he cleared his throat and tried again. "Hey," he said, loud enough that he knew Matt heard him. "I'm ... um ... will you come back now? Please?" It was a pretty lame thing to say, but it was about as articulate as he could manage and he figured it made him sound desperate enough anyway.

Matt looked up, wincing at Chris's face and fisting at his own eyes. "I just left my key in there," he said quietly. "I'm sorry. If you let me get it I'll leave you alone, okay? I'm sorry for overhearing all of that."

"I don't *want* to be left alone," insisted Chris, before really registering how Matt was looking, before it occurred to him to wonder why. "Hey," he said more softly, heading toward him. "Hey, oh man, what's wrong, Matt?"

"I'm sorry," Matt said again, shakily, and scrambling to his feet before Chris could touch him. "I just. Didn't know ... don't understand why you've listened to me wallow in my stupid problems when you're obviously going though something *so* much more ... and you *lied* to me ... "

"What?" said Chris in confusion, reaching for Matt's arm anyway. "I didn't. I never ... I *wouldn't*. You know that. I mean ... what are you *talking* about?"

Matt jerked his arm back and blinked, facing the door. "Can you just let me in so I can get it? And then I'll let you go find someone else to talk to about ... Dani, if you need to. Someone who understands, so you don't have to, like, dumb down the way you explain it, and who might can sympathize, so you don't have to *pretend* to be feeling something you're not."

"Matt," said Chris, reaching for him again. "Don't do this, please ... I really need you right now. I don't need to go find someone else." He re-opened the door to his room and led Matt inside. "Just ... don't go again. Please don't. "

Closing his eyes when Chris said he needed him, Matt walked stiffly into the room. "Why did you lie?" he asked again, softly, resting his hands on the dresser and staring at himself in the mirror. "Why did you tell me things were okay, that you were better, that you were over her but just not quite ready to move on? You're not over her. That's so obvious even *I* can tell, now." "I didn't lie," said Chris, reaching out to touch him again. "At least ... not to you. I maybe lied to myself. I mean ... I thought I was over her, and I am, mostly, but there's this ... thing, where I'm not ready to let go. And then she fucking *calls* out of the blue, and says she loves me, and ... " He clenched his jaw as the tears started welling up yet again. "But I never lied to you, Matt. You've got to believe that."

"Stop," Matt yanked away again, holding his hands up between them. "Just ... don't, right now. I'm ... " He heaved a sigh and sat down on the bed. "I'm just sorry. I feel like a fucking selfish child, and, like, completely incapable of helping you, on top of it. I didn't *know*, Chris, but I should've. I ... " He stopped and blinked. "Wait. She told you she loves you?"

"Yeah, right after she made a point of saying that she didn't want to get back together. So I'll take it for exactly what it means," said Chris, backing off a step and *knowing* that his hurt was showing through on his face but not able to stop it. "And don't you dare feel selfish, when I was the one that was pushing you to talk about what was going on. You *know* it wasn't all you. And you know how much you did for me when she first left ... don't think I've forgotten that."

"It doesn't feel good, to think you just wanted to talk about me to get your mind off of you," Matt said quietly. "And my problems are so small, I ... " He stood up again, glanced away, then sat back down. "God, I really want to leave, I can barely look at you, but ... but you said you needed me, so ... if there's something I can do, just name it."

"I need you to look at me," said Chris simply. "And I need you to stop feeling like that. We talked about what we did because I felt like I missed out on a big part of your life that I should have been there for, and because it *wasn't* a little tiny insignificant thing. Not to me and not to you either, I think. So if anyone is being selfish here, maybe it's me." He paused to look right at Matt, baring himself to him, the red, watery eyes and flushed face and runny nose and hurt expression. "And I need you to tell me it's gonna be okay and mean it."

Matt looked up, and swallowed when he *did* see just what Chris must've looked like. "It's going to be okay," he promised, his voice quivering but vehement. "You're going to find a girl that's a billion times prettier than her and smarter than her and nicer than her and then Joey and JC are going to be jealous of YOU. And you're going to have lots of sex and live happily ever after and I know you think I'm being flip but I *mean* it."

"Same to you," said Chris, braving a smile for him. "You're perfect guy's just gonna come out of *nowhere*, and you aren't gonna know what hit you. I really believe that. And I think that's just as important as what I'm going through, okay?"

"I just don't know how to help," Matt repeated, not even really acknowledging what CHris was saying, wringing his hands. "God, you must feel like you're talking to a *kindergartner* when you mention her around me ... "

"I don't," said Chris, sitting down next to him and hoping that Matt wouldn't pull away. "I feel like I'm talking to my best friend, whose opinion means the world to me. And who was there for me *before* her and is still here for me *after* her."

"But," Matt protested, looking at him warily but not moving. "But. I can't *offer* you an opinion, just like I can't offer you *advice*. I can only tell you that you're just about the most amazing man I've ever met, and I fucking *idolize* you, and I hate her for putting that hurt in your eyes. I just ... couldn't *listen* to any more of it."

"Well, that was an opinion right there," Chris pointed out, nudging him a little, trying to re-initiaite *some* sort of contact with him. "And one that made me feel all fuzzy inside. I'm sorry it was so hard for you to listen to that, but ... I really *didn't* want you to go. I would've said, if I did. You know that. I didn't expect her to say what she did, though. I didn't expect her to call at *all* -- but she said I wasn't looking okay. I guess in appearances, or whatever. That's why she says she called."

"Well, you're *not* looking okay!" Matt agreed innocently. "I told you that when I got here. I'm not surprised she called. And if she says she still loves you ... " He closed his eyes. "Chris, are you sure she doesn't want you back? *Sure* sure? Because I want you to have someone that makes you happy, more than anything, and I know that Dani *can* ... "

"Positive," said Chris with a soft, sad sigh. "She doesn't want this life back, and she doesn't want me back and I'm not even sure how *I* feel about her anymore. And maybe someday we can be friends without it being all weird between us, but not yet. I think right now what I really need to do is spend time with friends who I'm totally and completely comfortable with and who I know I love. Which is why I'm *so* glad you're spending this summer with us, Matt. You have no idea."

Matt looked at him with a tentative smile. "Me too," he said softly. "I've missed you. The *real* you, not the you that you've been for the past few months. Is it bad for me to tell you I'm glad you're sure you're not getting back with her?"

"It's not bad," Chris assured him, nudging him again then letting his hand rest on Matt's side this time. "It's honest. It's exactly what I count on you to say to me. So does that mean that you're glad I'm not getting back together with her, or you're glad I'm at least being realistic about it?"

Chris could swear he saw Matt blush at that before he ducked his head. "Just ... glad you'll be happy with the outcome," he murmured. "Eventually. It would be *easier* to be glad if I had any idea of what you'll be doing *instead*, but this'll do."

"I don't know what I'll be doing instead," said Chris honestly. "I haven't thought about it. Maybe ... I'm kinda hoping that I won't have to make any sort of decision, that when it's supposed to happen it'll just be clear to me." He laughed at himself, but for once not bitterly. "Which probably means I'm still living in a bit of a dream world, huh."

"No," Matt said quickly. "No. You said you weren't ready, so that ... makes sense. Can I ... " He blushed furiously and pulled his feet up on the bed, resting his chin on his knees. "I mean. You think you might be looking at boys, too, when you start to look?"

Chris looked at him in surprise, then found himself grinning. "Well, lets just say we didn't go to that gay bar just because I thought *you* would enjoy it," he said, and actually found he was blushing a little, too. "Which doesn't mean I'm looking yet, just that ... yeah, that possibility remains wide open. Maybe even more open than it was before."

Matt's shoulders slumped a little more and he pressed his forehead to his knees instead, but when he spoke, he actually sounded relieved. "I know, I know you're not looking. I just didn't know if ... you know. You'd ever date a guy, or if that was kind of more reserved for sex."

"Just because I *haven't* dated a guy, doesn't mean I *wouldn't*," said Chris, shaking Matt's shoulder. "Hey, look at me, I can hardy hear you." When Matt looked to the side at him, Chris grinned at him in return. "And the sex is pretty good, too. But that's definitely *not* what I'm looking for anymore. I mean, yes sex, but sex with a relationship attached. It's tougher, but now that i know the difference -- for me, anyway -- there's just no going back."

"It's gotta make a huge difference," Matt said, sounding almost dreamy, his eyes closed tight. "Making love when it's actually that. I don't blame you for wanting it." Chris had to smile at his romanticized notions.

Now that things were calm again, Chris wrapped his arm back around Matt's waist as they sat there. "I do like sex, though," he said. "Don't get me wrong. But ... making love *is* better." Clearly, he had a few romantic notions of his own. "It's really different when someone knows your body -- knows *you* -- well enough that they can really turn you on, when it isn't just physical attraction and relying on only a few surefire ways to get someone off because they'll work on everyone."

Matt actually hummed, then opened his eyes wide and blushed. "Um. Yeah. But it's good to still know what those 'surefire' ways are, first," he insisted self-depricatingly. "Anyway. You doing okay? Want me to go ahead and rub your knee like I promised, and then I'll let you get some sleep?"

"I'm not sleepy yet," said Chris, rubbing the last of the moisture away from his eyes. "But if you rub my knees I promise to love you forever. I kinda didn't put the left brace on today and ... well, I'm a moron. That is all. But it's so hard to do that one move right when I'm ... " He caught the look on Matt's face. "Let's leave it at 'I'm a moron', then."

It looked like it was killing Matt not to say what he was thinking, but he just bit his lip and stood up, waiting for Chris to stretch out on the bed so he could get in a comfortable position. "Well, you just ensured that I'm not skipping another rehearsal ever on this damn tour," he eventually bit out.

"Which was my devious plan all along," joked Chris, still watching him closely. "So what did you *really* want to say? Or were you just going to repeat the "Chris is a moron" thing? Because really, that's not necessary, I'm pretty clear on that."

"Just fucking take *care* of yourself," Matt snapped, obviously reacting to the way Chris was making a joke out of it, before looking horrified at himself. "Shit," he said softer. "Chris ... I didn't mean to be an asshole, that's like the *last* thing you need. Maybe I should just go, I can do this tomorrow ... "

"Don't you dare leave now," said Chris, still calmly, still softly. "I thought I could get away with it, I found out that I really, really can't because it does hurt like hell now and I'm *really* gonna be regretting it tomorrow. End of story." But he wasn't at all sure that was what was really putting Matt on edge, and he kept waiting for Matt to just say what he was thinking.

Matt set his jaw and knelt on the bed, putting surprisingly shaky hands on Chris's bare shoulders and pushing him onto his back. Not meeting his eyes once, although he caught a couple glimpses of Matt's tongue piercing when he licked his lips repeatedly. "Good, serves you right," he muttered, but there was absolutely no venom in it.

Chris was close enough to Matt to reach and slide his glasses up his nose, all but forcing Matt to look at him. "So now will you tell me what you were thinking?" he said gently, "Or we can just talk about sex again, because I don't mind that at all ... "

"What I was thinking when," Matt said shortly, pulling his face away and rubbing his hands together briefly before placing them on either side of one of Chris's knees. "I told you what I was thinking; you're a moron, and you need babysitting more than Brianna does."

Chris sighed and nodded at him, wincing a bit in spite of himself when Matt already hit a sore spot. "Well, it's nice to know you hold me in such high esteem, then. I, um, kinda figured this wasn't just about my leg, but ... guess it was, after all. Because I know you're honest with me. So, the sex thing? You interested?"

Matt glanced up sharply and Chris had to wonder if there was some other way to interpret what he'd said. In any event, his earlier words did nothing if they didn't make Matt look guilty. "I'm honest with you," he said awkwardly. "I *am* worried about your leg." Chris certainly noticed he wasn't quick to correct his misperception, if it was one. "We can talk about sex, if you want. Not that I'm a very knowledgeable conversationalist on the matter."

"Well, that's the whole thing," said Chris, just going with it. It was another one of those occasions when he thought he might get further by *not* pushing. "Sometimes you have ... questions, right? And I thought this might be one of those times."

Matt laughed bashfully, openly. "If I was anywhere near to having it again," he said ruefully, massaging the tight muscle above his knee, "I'd have questions. But right now ... not. Not really. Unless ... I mean. You think I look okay, right? As someone who's attracted to guys sometimes, you think there's something about me that a guy would like? I just ... I guess I'm still trying to figure out why things were so ... fast, with Nick."

"Look "okay"?" repeated Chris, grinning at just *how* shy Matt was sometimes. "You're fucking hot, Matt. To me, to other guys, to everyone. You've got the whole big, hulking intellectual thing going on that just makes me shiver sometimes. So, I mean, you don't have to worry about that." He studied Matt, wincing again at the pain in his knee. "So, um, how do you mean "fast", anyway?"

Matt let up on the pressure a little, and bit his lip again. "Hmm? Oh. Just ... he didn't seem to want to take his time with it. Like ... to kiss me, very much, or touch me. Kinda what you were saying earlier -- he just touched me enough to get me off, you know. I was trying to avoid thinking it was because he just wanted to get it over with 'cause he wasn't attracted to me much."

"Oh!" said Chris shaking his head. "The wasn't you, then, that was just him. I mean, I don't know the guy well, but I've heard he's not exactly intimate with people he hooks up with. I guess it's all a matter of expectation. He was probably expecting to go into it just to get off, and you were expecting maybe something else? But okay, consider this -- he's Nick fucking Carter, Matt. He doesn't have to get with *anyone* he isn't attracted to."

Matt nodded, let his hands run more lightly directly over Chris's knee. "Okay, I know. But ... what did you *think* I meant, by fast? It seemed like that's not what you were expecting me to say ... "

"No, no, I was just wondering what exactly. Like ... was it all over too fast and Nick's a quick shooter? Or was there no foreplay? Or did he just leave afterwards so the whole thing didn't really take long? Or maybe all of that? I just didn't know what parts of it were fast. Or maybe you even meant he moved too fast, and didn't take his time to make sure you were comfortable." He looked Matt directly in the eye again. "Which I think maybe *was* a part of it? Maybe?"

"I was as comfortable as I was going to be," Matt protested. "I told you he was nice, Chris; you don't have to, like, make him out to be this molester or something. But, yeah, maybe he didn't last too long, 'cause he was drunk ... I might come when he was, um, inside me, if he had. 'Cause it had kinda just started to feel good. And maybe there wasn't a *ton* of foreplay, but we were both practically busting out of our pants by then anyway. And maybe he *didn't* stay, but ... well. Even *I* didn't expect *that*."

"I'm not," said Chris, spreading his legs a little so Mat could reach the inside of his knee more easily. "I know Nick's a decent guy. We've talked. And I certainly haven't heard anything about him being a *prick* in bed, just that he's not ... intimate. That he just does it to get his rocks off and that's about it. And I mean, as long as *you* know that wasn't good sex, and that it's gonna be way better next time, then that's fine." He grinned at Matt, even as he noted his discomfort. "I mean, I prick wouldn't have sucked you off after, you know?"

"No, I know," Matt murmured, his hands pausing on Chris's leg before letting go completely. "That was nice, he didn't have to do that. And I don't *know* it's gonna be way better next time. I can just cross my fingers."

"No, it will," said Chris confidently. "Because next time you're gonna be with someone you care about, and that changes everything. At the very, very least, it's not gonna be fast. You're going to wake up with that same person next to you." He looked down at his leg, then back up at Matt again. "Um, you're not done, are you?"

"Oh," Matt said quickly. "I just ... you moved your legs, and I thought ... I didn't ... " He blushed furiously and started massaging him again, still tenderly but still hesitant, too. "I don't *know* that," he said again. "I'm not going to wait as long this time, and I know you said I shouldn't settle but there comes a point when you just ... lower expectations."

"Yeah, but you don't have to," said Chris softly, trying to hold his attention. "You should get everything you want. Well, okay, there may be a few compromises to be made, but I think you're a realistic guy to begin with. Um, *do* you have a kind of guy in mind, that you would be interested in?"

"No," he replied, ducking his head, running his thumbs soothingly over the muscles he'd just worked. He didn't look sure of that answer, though. "No. Just ... someone who likes me for me, isn't that how it goes? Someone that can be patient with me; someone who's open to the idea of being in love. With me."

Chris smiled at him happily. "It almost looks like you've got someone in mind," he said softly, letting out a soft moan as one of the tight muscles finally gave. "Did you meet someone at school, Matt? Or is it maybe someone here? Though God knows I haven't given you much time to meet anyone ... sorry about that, I guess ... "

"No, no," Matt said more definitively, flinching a little when Chris made that sound, his fingers even more shaky afterwards. "I promise, nobody. I'd ... tell you, if I found someone I thought I had a chance with. No, I'll just ... take your advice, and ask JC."

"Well, if you're sure," said Chris dubiously. *Something* was certainly shaking Matt up, and he had the feeling he was getting closer and closer to it. "Wait. Hang on. I didn't ask if it was someone you thought you had a chance with, you changed my words. *Is* there someone, Matt? That you like?"

He yelped when Matt pinched another sore spot roughly, and reached down to rub at it himself as he looked at him in surprise. "Sorry," he breathed. "I'm sorry, Chris. Maybe I should go down to the ice machine and get you some ice for it. They look pretty swollen."

"Um, as long as you come back," said Chris softly, and almost sadly again. "Matt ... since when is it so hard for us to talk about this stuff? What happened to change everything? Because I really don't understand."

"It's not hard," Matt mumbled. "It's just ... a little embarrassing. I feel really inexperienced -- I *am* really inexperienced -- and sometimes I get self-conscious about it. Please don't ... I tell you everything I can, Chris. I just wish that sometimes the stuff I tell you wouldn't, like, remind me of all that."

"But I don't understand why you're embarassed around *me*," said Chris. "I mean, you know everything about me, from the names my sisters used to call me, to when *I* had sex for the first time, to, well, this. The fact that I bawl like a baby over my ex-girlfriend even though I'm not in love with her anymore."

"Oh," Matt said softly, standing up. "That's not ... you weren't, Chris. I thought you were very brave and strong. But in any case, I'm not you. You don't get embarrassed." He grabbed the ice bucket. "I promise I'd tell you, if there was someone I was thinking of approaching. I'd tell you first."

"Also not what I asked," Chris pointed out, carefully attuned to Matt's words now. "Look, no one's gonna make you answer that question, Matt, I just ... though I was helping. I'll leave it alone now, okay? Obviously you don't want to tell me, and I have to respect that." He looked at his hands for a moment, then back up at Matt who was still standing there with the ice bucket. "I didn't feel very brave and strong," he confessed. "But, um, I guess we can talk about that after you get back with the ice, since you seem bent on going. Be quick, okay?"

"I don't have to go," Matt admitted, sitting back down the second Chris told him he didn't have to say anything. "I just thought you might want it is all. But we can talk. Tell me why you didn't feel brave? You were. You said what you were thinking, and feeling, to her *and* to me. That's really strong. And hard to do."

Chris shrugged a little. "I guess I've learned that's better than *not* doing it," he said. "I've been through way, way too many misunderstandings because people didn't say what they were really feeling. I mean, that's part of what's so great about being friends with you -- I don't have to worry about that stuff. The thing about Dani is she *didn't* always say what she was feeling ... and sometimes that made things, well, very bad, to be honest."

Matt tucked his chin and reached out a tentative hand for Chris's leg again. "I'm glad you don't worry about that with me," he said finally. "I wouldn't want to be an extra burden on you, be someone or something you felt like you had to hide your feelings from for whatever reason. I just want your life to be easier, Chris."

Chris frowned at him but tried to keep it from being *too* noticeable. Matt was being all weird about this, but he wasn't getting anywhere trying to figure out why right now so he decided to just let it go. For the moment, anyway.

"You're never a burden," he said instead, "and I never feel like I have to hide my feelings from you. That's what I love about you." He looked down at his legs again. "And this would have been much easier if you hadn't made me put my pants on. Remember that, for next time."

Matt laughed and rubbed his thigh a little more confidently. "Okay, for next time," he agreed, slipping up beside him and resting his head in his hand, supported by his elbow. Watching Chris's face; not really noticing -- or not acknowledging -- his hand moving higher. "You *look* tired, even if you're not."

"Maybe a little," admitted Chris finally, the reheasal starting to catch up with him now that his body was finally relaxing. Anything else he wanted to get from Matt would have to wait for another time. "You don't have to go, though. I'm comfortable."

"I wasn't offering to go," Matt replied, grinning, leaning closer to nudge the side of Chris's head with his nose, his hand slipping up even farther. "I thought we were gonna watch TV or something. You can't invite me to hang out and then just grill me all night ... how's *that* any fun?"

Chris reached futilely toward the television. "But I can't re-e-e-each," he complained. "Oh, wait, the remote." He winked at Matt and reached over him to snatch up the remote control. It was great to see Matt smiling again, that smiled that never, ever failed to make him feel good. "And I wasn't *grilling*. I was ... um, something else. Conversing."

"Right," Matt nodded, falling a little into the space Chris left so that when he laid back again, his shoulder was pressed against Matt's chest. And his hand reappeared, too, stroking now without any real pretense at massaging. And Matt still looked oblivious. "Well, still not fun, much."

"Sorry," said Chris softly. He wasn't really sorry for doing it, just sorry for how it seemed to have affected him. "Just trying to get in touch with my best friend's life again. You can tell me about school, if you'd rather. I don't know much about *that* either, other than the random asides you kept sticking in when you were emailing me. And the fact that you were, well, *there*."

Matt hummed and tilted his head again so his forehead rested on Chris's shoulder. "Uh -uh," he said, sounding like he was pouting, if Chris didn't know better. "This is vacation. I wanna talk about vacation-y things. Or ... stuff that's not me, at least. Give me the latest gossip on Justin."

"Justin," laughed Chris, flipping on the TV but leaving the volume low, snuggling in comfortably with Matt. "Justin and Britney have a new hobby. And let me tell you, their definition of virgin is getting thinner and thinner. Justin, you see, is absolutely in love with going down on her. And he never. ever. shuts up about it. That and his stupid book. If I never have to hear about that book again, it will be too soon."

Matt shuddered, making Chris laugh, and then smiled impishly and stuck out his tongue. "Gross," he joked. "Girls. Did you like that? Doing that, I mean? Joey loved it, too ... or said he did, at least. Or *taught* himself to pretend well -- one of the three! Seems tricky to me."

"It's not like they have cooties," teased Chris, watching Matt's tongue piercing again as it flashed. "Yeah, sure I liked it. I mean, like anything it depends on *who* you're doing it with. I don't think it's much trickier than a blowjob, really. It's just kinda ... an innie, instead of an outie."

"Okay," Matt laughed, grinning at the comparison, his eyes sparking. "I guess you're right. And I guess it's just what you get used to. Although ... some of the chicks Joey was with? Pretty sure *they* had cooties. My dear, completely undiscerning, equal opportunity lover brother."

Chris made a face, remembering some of the people Joey had hooked up with before JC. "*I* certainly wouldn't have gone down on them," he admitted. "Joey obviously was much more devoted than I. But Justin ... you'd think he invented it sometimes, the way he goes on. And just between you and me? He still hasn't discovered half of what he can be doing for that girl with his tongue. We're just gonna let him figure it out for himself, though."

Matt laughed and threaded a hand through Chris's hair. "Remind me never to boast to you about giving head," he chuckled. "I'd hate to hear how you talk about *my* technique behind my back. My psyche's already fragile enough, thanks." It was like an 180-degree turn from how he'd been ten minutes ago -- now he was relaxed, affectionate, the way Matt always *had* been around him. If a little closer.

"Honey, if you ever go around bragging like you're the king of the world and no one ever discovered sex before you? You're damn right I will. Don't you turn into Justin or I *will* have to take your ego down a notch. Now if Justin had come in quietly and talked about it like a normal, excited 20-year-old, you wouldn't be hearing a word of this. Not from me anyway."

Chris leaned in closer still, happy to be here with Matt again, with the one person outside the group who he trusted utterly and who he could be *this* comfortable with. And the only one of those that he didn't think of as a brother, no matter what anyone else thought of how they related to one another.

Matt laughed at the prospect. "I don't think you have to worry," he grinned. "Especially given how much action I *won't* be getting in the near future. I'd be happy if you'd tell me how you think I could do it better, actually, if I came to regale you with stories."

"Hey, any time," offered Chris easily. It would be different talking about it now that it was less theory and more actual advice, but it was nothing they hadn't talked about before. "Even though I don't have *nearly* as much experience as your brother and his loving little hubby. But I'm definitely better with the advice. They'd probably offer to demonstrate or something, and wouldn't *that* be an eyeful."

"There could be worse things," Matt sighed wistfully, then stilled. "Chris? How come Joey got someone like JC, when he already has so many other things that people would kill for?"

"Oh, Matt," said Chris softly, stroking his hair. "You know Joey went through some crap, too, before he got JC. And you know it hasn't *always* been easy for them, even while they've been together. I mean, they love Brianna to pieces now, but she was a bit of a shock to them when they first got the news." That wasn't enough, though. That wasn't what Matt was asking. "You'll find the right person for you," he said finally. "And he'll be just as good for you as JC is for Joey. You just weren't ready, before now." "I'm past ready," Matt protested, but it was weak, and Chris froze when he felt a tear or two on his shoulder -- cursing himself for bringing it up. "It's not very fair. I don't begrudge him finding happiness, but ... well, maybe I do. He just wants what he wants and knows how to get it and then always, always does. And I fucking hatebeing jealous but I *am*."

Chris wrapped his arms around Matt, letting his tears continue to leak against his shoulder and trying to figure out what was going to make it better. Unforunately, he didn't come up with anything. Because he was right, it *wasn't* fair, and life wasn't fair.

"I have to see them every day," he said after a moment, not making his voice any louder than it absolutely needed to be. "You're not the only one who's insanely jealous of them. Especially right after ... well, you know. It was hard to be around a couple people who already had what they wanted out of life. I swear, I almost picked up and showed up on your doorstep, just to be with someone who understood and who wanted to be with *me*."

Matt inhaled sharply, and tried to sit up, his arms and back turned rigid in Chris's embrace. "What?" he whispered, barely audibly. "Be with ... what do you mean? Chris, I ... I *never* said that I ... "

"What?" said Chris, baffled by Matt's sudden change of mood but not letting go of him. "Are you saying I wouldn't have been welcome? That we're suddenly not good enough friends for me to show up with just a pretty pout and hope that you'd let me in and whine to you all night over B movies and bad takeout?"

"Oh." Matt's exhale of breath was long and slow and shaky. "No. I mean ... yes. Of course, I would. Isn't that practically what's going on here, anyway?" He forced out a laugh. "I'm sorry; I'm a dumbass tonight. And, like, a morose motherfucker, you could say."

"So what was that all about anyway?" asked Chris, trying to piece it together himself, not expecting Matt to be much more forthcoming than he had been earlier. "Relax a little, okay? This is me, here." He hugged him a little more tightly and tried to press his face into his shoulder again, then loosened his grip and slipped Matt's foggy, tear-smeared glasses off and tried again, finally feeling close enough to comfort him.

When he pulled back, Matt was blinking blearily at him, small little spots of red skin on his nose where the glasses had rested. "What?" he asked distractedly, his eyes dropping to Chris's mouth for a long, obvious second. "What what was all about ... "

"Matt, don't play dumb with me," said Chris with an indulgent smile. "You practically freaked out there and I have no idea why yet."

"I'm not playing dumb," he insisted, looking a little more alert, and bringing his eyes back up to meet Chris's guiltily. "I just ... thought you meant something ... else, but you didn't of *course*, so - " He stopped and pushed Chris away with a hand on his bare chest. "And I think I was getting you that ice, like, ten years ago, before you sidetracked me."

Chris tugged him back. "I think we decided I didn't need the ice," he said. "I think we decided we were gonna hang out and watch TV and chat. So what did you think I meant that made you so ... afraid, or something?"

"I'm not *afraid*," Matt scoffed, batting at his hands. "I'm just ... I forgot that I had to ... I mean, I should go talk to JC. About what we were talking about. About finding a guy that might want to go out with me. I should probably go do that ... yeah. Before it gets too late."

"Matt! What are you ... what are you doing? Are you going to go *now*? Why would you want to ... don't you want to hang out with me? What did I do?" Chris stared at him and tried to keep him from running off before he understood what was happening.

"Nothing, nothing!" Matt scrambled off the bed undeterred. "I just should go. Really. It's late. We can hang out tomorrow, whatever you want to do; my turn to pay, all that. Just ... don't worry." He looked frantic but sounded calmer than anything. "Thanks for talking to me!"

"Matt, wait!" said Chris, but it seemed like nothing he could say now could stop this from happening. "I ... you don't have to go," he finished lamely. "I wish you wouldn't."

Matt threw him a hasty smile. "I've already bugged you too much tonight. I'll see you at breakfast." He paused at the door. "And Chris? I think you were great, about Dani. You look better already."

"Thanks," said Chris, figuring that if he looked anything like he felt, he didn't look better at all. "I'll, yeah, I'll see you in the morning. Have a good night, Matt."

"You too," he murmured, giving a soft wave, then blinking and striding quickly back across the room -- startling Chris so much that he fell on his ass back on the bed. "Sorry," he said hastily. "Uh. My glasses ... "

Chris grabbed Matt's free arm as he reached for his glasses. "I wish you would tell me what's going on," he said, as calmly as he could. "But I know I can't make you. Tell me when you're ready, okay?"

"Nothing's going on," Matt insisted, finally sounding exasperated, backing up and back around the bed. "Haven't I spilled enough personal drama to you in the last 24 hours to satisfy you? Not everything has to be about something."

"Yeah, but this time it is," said Chris with confidence. "I know you better than that, Matt. And you know I do. So just ... tell me when you're ready. That's all I'm gonna ask. See you tomorrow, then."

Chris could see him bite the inside of his cheek, could see his face get pink, before he turned and walked out the door. He just wished he was closer to seeing what the hell had him so turned inside-out.

--

Chris couldn't remember where the hell they were supposed to have breakfast, even though that was something he rarely forgot. He guessed it just got pushed out of his mind, what with all the other stuff that had gotten shoved in the previous night. He was just lucky he knew which was was up, he figured.

Throwing his jeans back on and finding a clean-enough shirt -- he would shower after eating -- he headed out of his own room and hit JC and Joey's first ... and just crossed his fingers that they were awake to eat, and not awake to do something else.

"'Sup," JC yawned, beckoning him inside. "You're early. We just have coffee so far, the room service'll be here at 8, I think they said." He squinted at him and wrinkled his nose. "You doing okay? You look kinda ... out of it."

"Oh, so breakfast is in here?" said Chris, stumbling into the room, glad he wasn't the only one who wasn't quite with it yet. "Huh, good guess. I'm ... no, actually I'm not okay. But I've been worse. Can I have some of that coffee?"

JC was limping a little as he moved back into the room, frowning over his shoulder at him. "Why .. what? You're not okay? What's wrong?" He got the coffee *for* him, which was nice, and then sat on the bed and scrubbed at his face with his hands. "Seriously, you're not okay?"

Chris sipped the coffee before saying anything. "Where's Joey?" he asked finally, stalling. "You guys already taken care of your morning round?"

JC glanced up. "I thought he was you, actually. Or you were him. He stayed with Matt last night, so." He furrowed his brow. "Wait. Wait wait wait. Is there some connection between him being all freaked out last night and you being an evasive sulk today? Some connection that's gonna make me or Joey or me AND Joey angry with you?"

"I swear to God, I didn't do *anything*," said Chris with a resigned sigh. "JC ... I don't know *what's* going on. I mean, one minute we're cuddling on my bed watching TV and talking and the next he's freaking out and saying he has to go talk to you about finding him a boyfriend and he's gone. And he just won't tell me what's going on. I hate this." He sighed again as he slumped down into a chair and started sipping at his coffee.

JC's eyebrows were practically at his hairline before he started smiling. "He wants me to find him a boyfriend? Oh, that's so *cute* ... " Chris wanted to punch him for being his flighty-ass self, missing the point of it. "Like a serious one, or just, you know, someone to fool around with ... ?"

Chris rolled his eyes at him. "A serious one, I guess. I suggested he talk to you guys so he could meet someone you thought was nice, that he could get to know better before doing anything. But that doesn't explain why he suddenly had to run out on me at, like, midnight to go do it, right when we were in the middle of talking about something *else*. I mean ... what is *up* with him. Do you know?"

JC shrugged and drank his own coffee. "I don't really know. What were you talking about when he left that made him so antsy? And are you sure it really happened so suddenly? I mean, maybe that's just how it seemed to *you*."

"Dude, it was suddenly, trust me on that. I mean, he was all snuggled into my shoulder and laughing and stuff and then ... I dunno .. " Chris tried to remember what they'd been talking about, right in that moment, then remembered it had been Joey and JC. Which he didn't really want to admit, but figured he had nothing to lose. "We were ... we were talking about you and Joey. We were talking about how we were jealous of you. And I was saying how after the whole Dani thing, I was ready to hope a plane just to spend some time with him, because I knew he'd be happy to be with me. Or something like that. And he just ... he froze. He freaked. You'd think I just threatened to come knocking on his door with an axe or something."

JC froze too, at that, his mug halfway to his mouth. "Happy to *be* with you?" he echoed, his voice a little high. "So, wait. You were ... snuggling? ... in bed? and then you basically told him you'd considered him for a rebound, and you're *surprised* he took off?" He snorted. "Dude, you're lucky he didn't punch you. That's harsh."

"What?" said Chris, almost spitting out his coffee. "That is *not* what I meant by it. I just meant that ... shit, you don't think *he* thought that's what I meant by it, do you? Because I would never ... I mean .. I even said that it was because he was my best friend and because I really wanted to be around him then. I would never, ever, ever do that to him. *Never*, JC. If we were ever ... *that* ... it would not be a fucking rebound, that's for damn sure."

"Whoa, okay," JC said, holding up his hands. "Okay, maybe it didn't come out like that, I just ... that does seem kinda weird that it would make him leave, I was trying to come up with a reason." He squinted at him again. "What's with the snuggling?"

"What do you mean, what's with the snuggling? Is there something wrong with us snuggling? We were comfortable. And, um, the bed's the best place to watch TV from." And Matt was crying on his shoulder a little, but he didn't particularly feel the need to share that.

"I'm just trying to understand what happened, Chris," JC said patiently. "Like, was it just goofing-off snuggling? Or maybe flirting snuggling, or comfort snuggling, or ... snuggling-with-intent-to-kiss?" And to JC's credit, he didn't flinch when he asked, either.

Chris chuckled incredulously. "You're asking me to define our snuggling?" he asked. "We were just ... lying there on the bed together. And my arms were around him and his head was on my shoulder and we were talking. So ... whatever kind of snuggling that is. But I think it's safe to say that Matt had *no* intention of kissing me. We're not all like you and Joey, you know. Why do you think we're so freakin' jealous?"

JC shrugged, his eyes getting a little sharper. "I don't know. We had to pay attention to a lot to get where we are. But ... well, nevermind." He stretched again. "So, okay ... you're on the bed, but you don't think it's flirting or anything, even though you're both obviously *thinking* about ... love stuff, or whatever ... Chris, are you *sure* that's not what upset him? You know how inexperienced he is, he could've misinterpreted what you meant ... "

"Even if it was at first ... " said Chris slowly, taking a moment to consider that even though his initial reaction had been to just reject it out of hand. "It was pretty clear after that what was meant. That doesn't explain why he would ... run. Even if you guys don't know it, *Matt* knows that I would never hurt him, or use him, or do anything like that to him. I care about him way, way too much for that."

"Okay, I know," JC said gently. "I know you guys are close. I'm just confused ... did he say *anything* that seemed weird, otherwise? And ... either way, I guess I still don't get why is simple miscommunication has you all bent out of shape."

"Things have been weird just about since he got here," said Chris, slumping in his seat a little. "I feel like there are things he's not telling me, and I've never felt that with him before. And I *know* there were things he wasn't telling me last night. I don't know when things changed between us, but dammit JC, I want them *back*. I miss being able to feel that close to him, to know that nothing was gonna come between us. And now ... something has. And it sucks." He knew he was pouting and he didn't care. But he also knew that JC was probably gonna call him on it.

"He's not your boyfriend, Chris," JC pointed out with a raised eyebrow. "You can't say 'nothing's gonna come between you,' because something or someone will. And if you're worried it already has, then you need to get off your lazy ass and ask him about it, or figure it out for yourself if you think he really won't tell you. But wallowing at me won't solve anything, 'cause I wasn't there."

"I *have* asked him about," said Chris in frustration. "More than once. And *that* is what he's not telling me. I mean ... I'd be okay, I guess, if he had someone else. I'd be happy for him, because all I want for him is to find someone nice. But I just want him to be able to *tell* me." He shook his head and sipped the cooling coffee. "I know he's not my boyfriend, JC. That wasn't necessary."

"Do you?" JC mused, looking curious. "I wonder. At any rate ... he hasn't said anything to *me* about being interested in someone, and not to Joey either, that I know of ... unless that's what he wanted last night ... " He trailed off, and started looking *very* curious. "Huh. *What* were you talking about, again, when he left?"

"I told you, JC," groaned Chris, feeling his face flush. "Are you gonna make me go through this again? We were talking about being jealous of you. I was saying how I needed to be around him after Dani, because I knew that he wanted to be with me, and I wasn't so sure about other people. I was telling him how much he *meant* to me, and he just ... ran. Like I'd burned him or something. Things just aren't right between us right now, JC, and I don't know what to do to *make* them right again."

"So," JC said slowly, keeping his eyes on Chris. "Let me get this straight. Matt -- shy Matt -- was letting you 'snuggle' with him, in bed, and was telling you how much he wanted a relationship like mine and Joey's ... got nervous when you started explaining how important he is to *you* ... Chris. Are you awake enough to get this? Doesn't there seem to be a pretty easy answer?"

"Well, yeah," muttered Chris reluctantly, not wanting to really consider the possibility that he might soon *not* have Matt by his side whenever he wanted, or even needed him. "I'm sure that there's someone that Matt's interested in but he just doesn't want to tell me who. I don't know if he's still all shy about liking a guy. Maybe he's worried about what it's gonna do to our friendship. I mean, I want him to be happy ... but I'd fucking miss him like crazy, you know?"

JC just stared at him. "Okay," he said, still speaking slowly, with no small amount of amusement in his voice, of all things. "Maybe he *is* worried about ... what it'll do to your 'friendship.' I think you maybe should ask him about that." His smile was absolutely infuriating. "You'd fucking miss him like crazy, you say?"

"Well yeah, of course I would," said Chris, frowning at him and wishing he would just make *sense* already. "We've always been close, for years. I'm probably closer to him than just about anyone else. Why *wouldn't* I miss him that much, if he was with someone else?" He shoved at JC's shoulder. "Will you quit being a fucker and just tell me what the joke is?"

"There *is* no joke," JC protested. "And ow, man. I'm just ... I don't want to, like, influence you or anything. But can I just suggest something? If you're that close to him ... that worried about missing him if he gets with someone else ... and thinking about *him* when things go wrong with Dani ... maybe you ought to give some thought to who *you* might be 'interested' in, in that way."

Chris looked at him in shock for a minute, wondering where the hell *that* had come from. It was nothing that JC had seemed to notice about their relationship before. "So you're gonna jump from telling me I treat him like a little brother, to telling me I act like he's something else entirely, now? Make up your mind, JC. And besides, Matt would never be interested in me anyway."

"How you treat him, and how you feel about him or think about him ... those don't have to be related," JC pointed out. "In fact, I'm pretty positive they aren't ... because you *do* treat him like a kid, most of the time." He was still smirking. "That works for other things too ... how does whether he'd ever be interested in you affect whether you're interested in *him*?"

Chris shrugged and looked away, hiding his eyes. "I just don't want to lose him, okay, JC? So can you quit smirking at me and leave it at that? And for the record I do *not* treat him like a kid. And if I offer him advice sometimes or whatever, it's only because I've done a lot of stuff he hasn't yet. It doesn't mean I think he's a *kid*."

"I'm sure," JC said easily, yawning. His smirk softened into a more affectionate smile, but it still grated on Chris. "I think you won't lose him," he said confidently, knowingly. "I think that's the last thing you have to worry about. ... you wanna talk to me about what you're feeling for him? You're not hiding it very well. This morning, at least."

"Shit," murmured Chris, still looking away and not at all sure what to say. Not even sure what to *think*. "He's my best friend, JC. He's one of the best things that ever happened to me, in fact. He knows more about me than just about anyone else in the world. So how am I *supposed* to feel about him? I dunno."

"It doesn't really matter how you're supposed to feel," JC pointed out. "Just how you *do* feel. And ... I mean, maybe I should've seen it earlier, but it's obvious what you feel, now -- since he got here -- isn't what you felt before. And I know it's not my business, and maybe I shouldn't say anything, but ... I mean, can't you see it's the same for him?"

Chris just shook his head, barely even considering the notion. "But it's not," he protested. "He's not talking to me about any of it and he's even more reluctant to go after anyone than he was before. He didn't even want to tell me that he'd been with a guy now and he's just not *open* to me the way he used to be. The way I count on him being, especially since I've been spilling my heart out to him about Dani. There's something he's hiding ... oh."

JC just nodded. "OH," he echoed significantly. "I'm not ... like I said, I don't know anything. But from what you've told me ... it seems pretty obvious, Chris. And maybe part of the problem he's having is that he *is* being obvious, and you still haven't reacted ... "

"Now that's not fair," said Chris, finally really looking at him again. "There wasn't anything he did that said for sure what he's thinking. And I've practically begged him to tell me what's going on. He can't possibly think that I know what's going on and I'm ignoring it. He might think I'm *stupid*, but there's no way that anything that i did can be read as obviously not being interested."

"Then maybe that's not the problem," JC said easily, shrugging. "Maybe it's more that he doesn't think there's any way *you* would ever be interested, and so he's trying to get over it himself. And he's scared of what you'd think of him, if you knew. I just ... it could be anything, Chris. Just stop being blind, because he's not a kid."

"I *know* that," Chris ground out in frustration, glaring at him. "I *know* he's not a kid. I don't think of him as a kid. I haven't thought of him as a kid in a long time. So why do you keep insisting that I do?"

"Because I can't come up with any other reason why you haven't admitted to yourself how much you like him!" JC replied, his voice raised. "Jesus, Chris. He's old. He's MY age. And he's smarter than any of us. And he's not a virgin any more. You're not going to *corrupt* him."

"I'm not worried about corrupting him," said Chris, forcing himself not to snap at him. "If that was going to happen, it would have happened years ago when I was telling him about everything I'd already done. But if I'm going to be admitting for the first time today just how much I like him, it's not gonna be to you." He looked away again and slumped down in his seat, falling silent for a moment. He didn't know what to say, didn't know how much JC was going to help him or be against him. "And it *could* scare him.," he added finally. "You know he's not all that comfortable being gay yet."

"He's ready, Chris," JC said, much more calmly. "He wants to be with someone so badly, he let Nick Carter fuck him, against the advice that Joey and I *both* gave him. If you could like him, like that -- and I'm not making you tell me if you do, or not -- well ... as long as it *wasn't* a rebound? or not *just* a rebound? then I think I couldn't come up with anyone better for him to be with than someone who already loves him in other ways."

Chris swallowed heavily, because he did. He did love Matt that much and he knew that he would be incredibly jealous if Matt ended up with someone else, even at the same time as he would be happy for him ... because Matt's happiness meant that much to him. He'd just never ... considered the possibilty before, of being with him.

He should have. Because it would give him everything he wanted, and more than he could have hoped for. And he thought maybe, just maybe, it would give Matt what he wanted, too.

"Joey's gonna kill me," he said softly, and with a rueful chuckle.

A broad smile spread across JC's face. "No," he insisted. "Matt didn't kill *me*, did he? He was happy. And plus ... plus, I bet -- after last night -- he's been prepared by soneone else for the possibility." He grinned even wider. "Oh, god, Chris. I just didn't know. This could be so *perfect*, for *both* of you ... "

"Yeah, well, you're not the only one that didn't know," he admitted with another chuckle, running a shaky hand over his face. The whole idea of it was really starting to hit him. And it was wonderful ... but it was also scary. It hadn't been so long since Dani and ... even for Matt, he wasn't sure if he was ready to jump in again. Except that there was nothing to lose, no nasty secrets for Matt to discover, no part of his life that Matt wasn't already familiar with. "Shit. So what do I do *now*?"

JC laughed and stood up to pour them both some more coffee. "Tell him. Or seduce him. Or both? He ... he might freak out," JC warned. "He probably doesn't think you know. You be nice to him, make him feel comfortable."

"Oh, like I'm ever not nice to him," scoffed Chris. "But ... do you think *he* might say anything, after last night? Because that would make things a whole lot easier ... "

JC shrugged, looked as clueless as Chris felt. "Dunno. I guess ... it just depends. Maybe on what Joey tells him to do. You didn't do anything to piss *him* off, did you?" he teased.

"No, no, no," said Chris as he took his coffee, shaking his head emphatically. "No one has done anything to piss anyone else off. We're just all in a big ball of confusion. And I *still* don't know what to do about this. Or even if I should, just yet."

"No rush," JC agreed. "The only thing you're up against is making sure you don't lose him before you have him. You said you hadn't done anything to make him think you're not interested ... I'd make sure you kept that up. And then figure out how to tell him, man. He should know. And he shouldn't necessarily be the one to do it first."

"I know, I know," said Chris. "How can I expect him to tell me if I can't tell him, right? Well ... I think right now I need to figure out just what there is to tell." And fast, too, because JC was right. Now that the idea had entered his brain, and he recognized the feelings he'd been acting all along, he didn't want to lose him.

"You do that," JC laughed, getting to his feet when there was a knock on the door. "Don't leave out the part about how his tongue stud turns you on, either," he winked knowingly, before letting Justin and Lance inside.

---

Matt hadn't been ... avoiding him, really, at rehearsal, but things still weren't back to what Chris'd call 'normal' between them either. But it was him, nevertheless, that rode in the car with him back to the hotel, that said he figured they were going out again that night? And was the one who showed up in a tight tee shirt and great jeans, at his door, for the second night in a row. "You about ready?" he asked.

Chris looked down at himself -- he was anything but ready to go out but at least he was wearing more than boxers this time. By choice. "I couldn't decide," he said, holding up two shirts to Matt. "Which one did you think? He figured that, at least, would give them some place to just start talking like people.

"Oooh, the red one," Matt said easily, pointing at a blood-red long sleeved one, even reaching out to touch it briefly. "I like that, it's very ... you." He looked at him quickly, then shoved his hands in his pockets and leaned against the door. "How are your knees, today?"

"Um, better, thanks," said Chris, tossing the other shirt on the chair but not putting the red one on yet. "I took care of them today. Um ... did you notice? Not that I would mind if you ... wanted to rub them again maybe. Later. After we go out or something. I mean, if you don't mind or anything ... " He winced at his own nervousness and used fiddling with the collar of the shirt as an excuse to look away.

Matt kicked at the ground hesitantly. "I noticed," he said softly. "I didn't know you took me that ... I mean, I'm glad you wore the braces. And if me, um, rubbing them would help, then ... you know I'd never say no ... " He paused awkwardly. "Unless you didn't want to go out with me ... ?"

"No, I want to go out with you," Chris assured him. "Um ... clubbing, I mean. Or whatever, if you wanted to do ... I mean I'm looking forward to tonight. My knees will be okay, but it would still help if you rubbed them after maybe. So they're all set for tomorrow and Wade doesn't have to call me an old fucker again." He looked up gave Matt a tentative smile. "You do good work."

Matt grinned back shyly. "Well, you *are* an old fucker," he teased, then looked away again. "I don't mind. Um. Helping you, when we get back. If you come back with me, that is. I mean ... not come *back* with me, but just ... if you didn't hook up ... not that that's, like, an *ultimatum*, or anything ... "

Chris smiled to himself a little, that Matt seemed to want to spend as much time with him still, as he wanted to spend with Matt. "I'm not planning on coming back to the hotel with anyone but you. I mean ... you know. And we can watch TV or whatever. You know I'm not ... you know what I'm *not* looking for. Anyway. So yeah."

Giving a little sigh, wistful and hidden, Matt nodded. "I know what you're not looking for," he agreed quietly, then turned his head away. "Come on, man. This ain't Chippendales we're going to. Put your shirt on."

"We *could* go to Chippendales," offered Chris with a slight grin. "Or, you know, something like it. We've never done *that* before." He slid the shirt on when he was talking, a little worried about what Matt was saying. "I don't want someone just for a night, you know? I mean ... if I came back to the hotel with someone tonight ... it would be someone that I wanted to be with for, like, a long time. For real."

"But you're not looking for that, yet, either," Matt reminded him, visibly relaxing when Chris faced him fully-clothed. "And you shouldn't have to be, I just ... " He shrugged and threw his jacket over his shoulder. "Come on, let's just go."

"Wait, wait," said Chris, straightening his shirt and checking himself out in the mirror. "So I guess neither of us are *looking* then," he said, reaching out for Matt but stopping short of touching him. "Doesn't mean we might not find something anyway. But I mean ... whatever happens ... I mean I don't think I'm gonna find someone in a *club*. And I'm definitely coming back with you."

"But you just ... and I thought ... " Matt frowned at him in confusion, then backed up a little. Chris knew what he'd said -- if he came back with someone, it would be someone he wanted, and then followed it up right away by saying he knew he was coming back with Matt. It *wasn't* subtle; it wasn't necessarily supposed to be ... but Matt wasn't taking the bait. "I guess we'll see," is all he said.

"I hope we do," said Chris honestly, and with a somewhat resigned sigh. "I hope we both do. You're ready then? There's, um, nothing else we need to do here? Or ... talk about? Or whatever?"

"What did you ... is there something you *want* to talk about?" Matt said, almost eagerly, but warily at the same time. And he didn't move away from the door. "I mean, if there's something -- anything -- you want to say ... um, to me, then ... you can ... "

Chris paused. "I was just ... I mean, I didn't know if *you* did, or if you just wanted to ... well, you said we should just go. And then maybe after. I mean, we'll have more time then and ... if we wanted to chat I guess we could do it then. If you wanted. You know, just ... whatever." It was about the lamest thing he'd said yet, and he knew it. But it was hopeful all the same.

"But I ... " Matt started, then blushed and stepped away from the door. "No, you're right. I can tell you what I ... I mean, if there's anything we should talk about, we can do it later. After. If you come home with me. Well, not *with* me, but ... " He laughed self-consciously. "I think we went through this already."

"We did," said Chris, smiling back at him even though he was shaking inside. "I think we established exactly what we're doing when we come back to the hotel tonight. So let's just, um, do the part in between. When we go dancing and whatever and have fun. Right?"

"Right," Matt agreed, grinning broadly. "Oh, hold on ... Joey said he wanted to come, so we gotta swing by his room on the way, okay?"

"Joey's coming?" said Chris, both surprised and wary. "I thought it was just .. I mean, okay. That's cool. We can still ... whatever. Maybe not the Chippendales, though. He's okay going out to ... where we're going, with us? I mean, with JC? And us. Is JC coming too?"

Matt frowned a little. "What's wrong with Joey coming?" he asked, quietly defensive. "He's been really- " he cut himself off and pursed his lips. "I don't know if Jace's coming too, but I assume so, and why in the world wouldn't they go wherever we'd go?"

"No, no, nothing's wrong with Joey coming," said Chris quickly, slapping a bandaid on the damage he'd apparently done. "I just ... I thought it was just you and me. I was surprised, is all. It's not *bad*, no, not at all, I love Joey, you know I do, and JC, and I'm cool with them and all ... " He paused to take a breath. "I just meant they're careful, is all. About ... you know. I wasn't being, like, awful or anything ... "

Matt just waved him off; started walking down the hall. "It's good to have them around, sometimes," he pointed out. "Less attention, in a way. And it can still be you and me ... " he trailed off awkwardly. "Again, you know what I mean. It's not ... I mean, it's not like you wanted to be *alone* with me, or anything."

"Maybe I did," said Chris softly, then nudged Matt to keep it from getting too serious. "But okay, yeah, I know what you mean. About them. And with Joey there, you can fade a little bit. Not that you ever *fade* looking like you do, but ... you know."

Matt blushed *bright* red at that, but was grinning too, and his eyes sparkled, as he knocked on his brother's door. "You get me all to yourself later," he said, obviously trying to make a joke, be more sarcastic than he seemed to actually feel.

"Counting on it," murmured Chris. finally touching Matt's waist for an all-too-brief moment. "Hey. show me your tongue again, before they come out. I wanna see."

Matt was still flushed as he turned his head, glancing furtively at the door first and then lowering his eyelashes before sticking out his tongue -- uncurling it slowly, much more purposefully than he had when he first showed off the piercing.

Chris shivered a little then grinned at him, betting his own eyes were sparkling to match Matt's. "I love that thing," he said quietly. "I hope you get to put it to good use. Um, soon. Better use than just me *looking* at it, anyway ... "

Matt looked up, surprised, and his eyes got darker and *intense* as he started to lean closer ... *just* when the door flew open in front of them and Joey stood smirking, his hands braced on the doorframe. "Hey boys," he winked. "Ready to dance?"

Chris shot back from Matt, and noticed Matt did the same. Dammit. "Right. Dance," he murmured, his eyes still on Matt. Probably *obviously* on Matt, but he didn't care because Matt's eyes were still on him, too. "Sure. Let's, um ... " He struggled to think of the word. "Go. Right."

--

"You're staring, you know," Joey practically shouted in his ear, holding a shot glass for him over his shoulder, gesturing at the dance floor where Matt and JC were entwined so closely together that Chris was surprised Joey wasn't kicking his brother's ass. Especially when he let his hand fall to cup the back of JC's thin thigh and tugged it closer. "And you could at least try and aim your drool off the dance floor."

"I think your boyfriend has forgotten which brother he's with," Chris retorted, elbowing Joey while at the same time making sure he didn't spill a drop. He'd figured that Joey knew, that JC had said something, but that didn't stop his blood from rushing to his face, and didn't stop the queasy nervousness from rising up in him again.

"Oh, he didn't forget," Joey said, with an affectedly casual air, smoothly moving beside him. "He's just dancing with the poor kid. Since, you know, the guy he *came* with is too fucking chickenshit to do it."

"Well, the guy he *came* with isn't sure an offer to dance would be welcome," said Chris, sliding over. "The guy he *came* with isn't sure of fucking anything right now. What is this, anyway?"

"You tell *me*," Joey replied, arching his eyebrow and stepping closer once again. "What is it? Why the hell are you jerking him around like this, Chris? I should fucking kick your ass, is what I should do."

"Jerking him around?" said Chris, staring at him full-on in surprise. "You have *got* to be kidding me. I could never, *would* never, do anything to fuck with your brother, Joey. And you should *know* that."

"You know, and that's exactly what I told *him*, when we were talking about you all fucking night long last night," Joey replied, not backing down. "That even if you didn't feel the same way, you wouldn't hurt him. Yet ... you seem to have a knack for doing just that."

"No, don't you dare pin that on me," said Chris, poking him in the chest. "I have been nothing but good to him, especially since he's been here this time. He's the one that's been pulling away. He's the one who's been closing himself off from me. And I'm sure he had his reasons but you can't -- you *can't* -- blame that on me."

"Oh, no?" Joey asked, his eyes narrowing when Chris touched him, shoving his hand away. "You don't think you're, like, leading him on? After talking to Jace, I thought maybe I'd been wrong ... that you *were* interested ... but given the way you've been acting tonight, I think I was right in the first place."

"Shit, Joey," said Chris, shaking his head. "Keep using these fucking scare tactics and nothing *will* happen. I have never led him on, and I have never said anything to him that I didn't mean. And as for what I feel for him? I didn't even fucking *recognize* it until this morning, not to mention that I would never come on strong to him, not knowing how uncomfortable he still is. So forgive me if I'm not out there practically fucking your brother on the dance floor. Jesus. I mean, did it occur to either of you that it might have been better for him to have just talked to me one of the times I asked, instead of pushing me away and running every time the subject came up?"

"He said he *tried* to," Joey protested, "and then you started in about Dani again. And ... Jace said that *you* were going to say something, anyway. Why's it Matt's job? You know how shy he is. And how shy you aren't. Don't you think he'd think, if his feelings were returned, that you'd be the type of person to *say*?" He frowned and looked back on the floor. "And I'm not trying to scare you, I just don't get why this has to be hard. At all."

"Because I didn't know. Don't you get that? I was completely clueless about this whole thing until today. Clueless about how he felt, clueless about how I felt, and now i'm still clueless about how to handle it. It's not the same as anyone else, ever. For fuck's sake, Joey, call me a dumbass if you want but has it occured to you that, for a lot of reasons, *I* might be a little freaked out about this?"

"It's just Matt!" Joey protested, waving his hands at the couple still dancing, laughing with each other. "My geeky, dorky, shy, anal-renentive brother who you *know* loves you, even if you didn't know he *likes* you. *How* can you be scared?"

"Because things got fucked up with Dani," said Chris quietly, watching them, "and it would kill me if things got fucked up with Matt. But we both ... we can't go back now, we have to go forward, and I *am* scared about what happens next. I'm worried about how I'm gonna handle it and I'm worried about how he's gonna handle it, ... and honestly I'm worried about making sex good enough that he forgets all about that time before."

Joey stared at him, then started laughing. "Oh, god," he gasped. "I hadn't ... it hadn't occured to me that you guys'd be fucking. Okay, that's ... weird. That's too weird." He took a couple deep breathes, then went on, smiling. "You'll do fine, grasshopper," he nudged him. "He's excited, I think."

"Whatever happens," Chris warned him, "It's not gonna happen here. That'd be too ... it wouldn't be right, like this. We're going to talk when we get back to the hotel, we've already ... kinda arranged that, I think. I mean, I think we both understood that something ... big ... was gonna happen. After this. And -- " He poked Joey again, but smiling this time. "There's nothing weird about me -- about us -- fucking."

"Oh, there's plenty that's weird," Joey insisted, but he was grinning too. "And I'm not *saying* you should start here, but ... " he shrugged. "There's nothing *wrong* with dancing. Little bit of, um. Foreplay. Especially since I'm about to go steal that sexy motherfucker he's dancing with away."

"Oh, we've danced," Chris assured him. "Just like that, actually. We just -- *I* just -- had no idea what it meant. So ... yeah." Joey was barely listening to him now anyway, so he just shut up and decided that maybe Joey was right. And maybe a bit of dancing was what they both he and Matt needed to start to loosen up.

Joey just winked at him and slipped away, through the crowd, before making his way up behind JC on the dance floor. He slipped his arms around him, between JC and Matt's bodies, and licked slowly up his neck. Chris could see Matt's blush from where he was standing, could see that he couldn't pull back away from the two of them, out of the way, fast enough.

He didn't even think about it, just found himself on his way t intercept Matt before he could leave the dancefloor. He curled his hand around his arm and leaned in toward his ear but that was the only contact he made. "Those two are damn lucky no one in here is gonna bust them," he said, his lips very close to touching Matt's ear. Of course, that was why they *came* here, but still.

"Oh," Matt said in surprise, shuddering a little at what Chris figured *had* to be a result of his touch. "No, they're not doing anything wrong," he said innocently. "That's just ... you know. Dancing. Jace is, um. Good."

"JC belongs to your brother," Chris reminded him, knowing it was unnecessary. "Is he, um, as good as me?" He let his hand slide down to Matt's wrist and stayed close to his ear, his own heart pounding. "Hope not ... "

"Different," Matt murmured, practically inaudible, turning in the loose circle of Chris's body to face him, blushing but not looking away when every inch of their torsos was pressed together. "I don't ... feel the same, when I dance with him ... "

"He's taller," said Chris with a slight smile. "Bonier. No, he doesn't feel the same as me at all." He dared to rest his other hand on Matt's hip, lightly. "I don't ... either. Feel the same, I mean. With them."

"Funny," Matt smiled, drawing his own arm up to brush his fingers against Chris's. "I thought I felt pretty much the same as Joey. JC said so, at least ... when he kept apologizing for poking me in the hip, that is ... "

"You're not the same as Joey," said Chris quietly, smiling gently at him and rubbing that hip with his thumb. "I've never thought of you as the same as Joey, not even when we first met. And especially not, you know, now ... "

Matt inhaled shakily, and gripped Chris's pants with a hand himself. "Oh?" he asked. "I'm not? That's ... and you didn't? And ... now?" He wasn't completing a question, but didn't even seem to realize it.

Chris let go of his wrist to reach out and push Matt's glasses up with his index finger, then trailed that finger down his nose until it reached the tip. He smiled at him, then dropped his hand again. "So um ... yeah. We're ... we're gonna talk? Back at ... after? When we go back to the hotel together?"

Matt stared at him, then wrapped his other arm around Chris's back even though Chris had let go of him ... so their torsos weren't the only things that were pressed together. "I guess we do ... have stuff to say," he murmured, cocking his head, rubbing the top of Chris's spine with his thumb.

"And do," added Chris softly, right up against his ear now, as unsure of that as he was about everything but hoping that was where this was going to end up. Eventually. "I ... yeah, I have a lot of stuff to say. That can wait, until we're not surrounded by strangers. So now ... " He looked back over his shoulder to where Joey and JC had been. "They're watching us, aren't they?"

Matt looked, too, and laughed. "Um. Will you be offended if I say no?" He turned their bodies so that Chris could see Joey dragging JC off to the bathroom, and JC didn't look like he was protesting. "Do we have any reason to stay, then?"

"Not offended," said Chris. "Relieved. This is one of those things in my life that doesn't need an audience. And I think, yeah ... now might be a very good time to leave. To do ... what we're gonna do." He laughed suddenly, surprising both of them, and shook his head at Matt. "Shit. Are you as nervous as I am?"

Matt looked down at him, then away, shyly. "More, I'm sure," he said, then closed his mouth, refusing to say anything else. But he held Chris's hand tightly, and assuredly, as they walked out of the club.

---

Chris closed the hotel room door, with both him and Matt on the inside, and stared at the back of it for a long moment before turning around. There was no more stalling now, no more dancing around the things that they both -- very clearly now -- wanted to say. "So," he said softly, his eyes catching Matt's. "So ... "

"Thank you, for going out with me," Matt said, cutting him off, nervously. "And for not, you know, being upset that Joey and Jace came. Right? You're not. 'Cause we couldn'tve ... done this ... there, anyway. Um."

"I'm not upset," said Chris, leaning back against the door and reaching out to draw Matt closer. "I never was. I just ... Joey. Was being a big brother, like you know he does, especially around me, and ... " He licked his lips and drew Matt closer still. "We should just ... "

Matt was staring, and without realizing it, probably, mirrored Chris's movements, his own tongue darting out to moisten his lips. He fell closer to him, slipping between Chris legs, looking everywhere on his face except his eyes. "Just ... what," he breathed. "Talk?"

Chris just exhaled softly, absolutely overwhelmed by the way Matt looked, the way he felt, the way he smelled and sounded. Parting his lips slightly, he tilted his head to the side and leaned in ... then paused before his lips met Matt's. "Just this," he whispered. "First. Because I want to know ... "

Matt's eyes squeezed shut, and Chris was smiling as he closed the rest of the distance between their mouths. He stopped smiling, though, when Matt made a weak, desperate noise in the back of his throat as their lips touched -- his hand landing loudly on the door beside Chris's shoulder.

Chris wrapped a hand around Matt's waist, leaving it loose enough that Matt could back away if he really wanted. But finally he was pretty sure that wasn't going to happen. He teased Matt's lips apart with his own and darted his tongue inside, just a little. Cautiously. Leading the way but making sure that Matt was following willingly.

Whimpering again, Matt parted his lips further, letting Chris into his mouth. Chris could hear him gripping the door, could feel every muscle in his side, where he held him, clench. He was so adorably uptight, so desperately into it.

Chris's tongue ran over the piercing in Matt's tongue and he felt a fresh jolt of arousal go through him, his own hand gripping Matt's waist tighter. He tried to restrain himself but it was getting harder and harder -- now that he recognized he wanted this -- exactly this! -- he was recognizing just how much he wanted it. And for how long.

Matt stumbled the rest of the way against him, trapping him against the door, rubbing their bodies together as soon as there was that much contact. He was surprisingly, deliciously dirty with the way he used his tongue -- not aggressive, or even really very confident, but enthusiastic. And ... encouraging.

Chris almost wanted to skip the talking, go right to the fumbling and the slightly clumsy groping and the rubbing and the nakedness. And the more kissing. But he didn't take things there, not yet, just kept on with this one, long, hot, wet, powerful kiss. When he did pull away it was because he was breathless and because his head was spinning and because he wasn't sure he could take anymore.

"Well," he said after a moment where they were both still just pressed up against one another, panting desperately. "That was 6 years coming, huh."

"Chris," Matt protested, his eyes still closed, trying to find his lips again. "Oh, Chris, please." He sounded so happy, so shy, so surprised. "I didn't ... didn't know, and then ... " Grunting, he gave up on Chris's mouth when he didn't kiss him back right away, and ducked to reach his jaw ... sucking awkwardly, lapping at his stubble.

"Oh, Matt," he mumbled, unable to do anything but just let him nibble at his throat. "*I* didn't know ... didn't know anything. How long ... have you?" The question didn't make much sense once it was out, but it didn't matter; he let Matt find his lips again and kissed him back. When he tried to move them away from the door Matt kept pressing against him, keeping them exactly where they were.

He seemed reluctant to pull away from the kiss, even long enough to answer. "I haven't known as long as I've felt, I don't think," he whispered, finally blinking his eyes open again from behind his glasses, still pinning Chris to the door. "But then ... when I saw you ... and I thought the way you looked at me, when you heard about ... " he stammered, then dove in to kiss him again, sucking on Chris's tongue carefully.

Chris didn't let up for a long while this time, his tongue playing with the piercing and then skimming the roof of his mouth for a moment, then just tangling with Matt's for as long as they could both hold out.

"If you thought I was jealous you were right," he breathed, finally admitting it as he closed his eyes. "Jealous of everything in your life that you didn't do with me. I just ... I didn't realize ... " He opened his eyes and caught Matt's. "I was fucking stupid, and I'll never be that stupid with you again. I promise."

Matt blinked again. "I meant what I said," he said quickly. "I wanted to do it, I wanted to have experience so you'd stop thinking of me as a kid. But I couldn't ... I *couldn't*, Chris, and it wasn't just because the guys I was with, I didn't love them ... it's because they weren't *you*. So ... god, you're gonna have to teach me so much ... "

"I'm looking forward to it," said Chris honestly, touching Matt's cheek in wonder. "I'm glad you didn't do anything you regret, but I'm gladder you're with me now. I want to ... I want to show you everything. And what I don't know I want to learn it with you. And I don't want to ever have to worry about losing you to anyone else, ever again."

"Like who?" Matt laughed nervously, starting to pull back -- too *quickly*, Chris thought. "You're not. I've .... I've been your fucking puppy dog for years, and you just ... didn't notice."

"You were my best friend," said Chris. "You're *still* my best friend. You'll always be my best friend. And I was just ... I always hated the thought that you were gonna fall in love with someone who wasn't me. But I always figured you would." He reached out to make sure that Matt ddn't leave. "We've always been absolutely honest with each other," he said, "and I don't want that to stop now. So you need to know that I'm ... kinda scared of this."

Matt's face fell, quickly, before he replaced it with a soft, fake smile. "I'm sorry," he murmured. "I didn't mean to ... and then I assumed. I'm sorry." He pushed himself away from the door, walked stiltedly to rest his hands on the dresser. "I don't want you to try to be ... involved with me," he said carefully. "If it's just a last-ditch effort to keep us friends."

"Don't you know me better than that?" asked Chris, following him, unwilling to give up on this now even though he wanted to cry out in frustration. "I know this is new to you -- to us -- but I'm still the same Chris and I'm still honest with you ... and that includes my actions as well as my words. So if I do this -- " Chris wrapped his arms around Matt from behind. " -- and I kiss you like I just kissed you, you can be *damn* sure it means I want to be with you. Like *that*. And I probably have for a very long time and just didn't realize it because there were ... other things ... that kept me from seeing."

"Dani," Matt nodded, looking at Chris in the mirror. "I know. I don't ... I thought I could tell you did, did want to be with me. But ... it scares me that you're scared, because ... I look up to you, and you're the one that's supposed to know. And ... " he looked down, "that kiss ... I didn't think there was any way it could be better ... "

Chris chuckled and pressed his lips to the back of Matt's shoulder. "I don't know everything. I never did. And I look up to you, too, you know. Do you know that? How much I admire what you've done with your life? I don't think I've ever said that to you enough."

"Don't," Matt protested, but he was trying to hide a smile. "Don't make this ... respectful, when I've never wanted anything more than for you to corrupt me ... " He turned in his arms, pulled his glasses off. "I've been waiting."

"You've been waiting long enough," said Chris, leaning in to kiss him just as deeply and passionately as before. "And it's awfully convenient that you aren't as shy around me. It'll make the getting naked so much easier ... " He gave Matt a grin and a wink, and took both of Matt's hands into his own to start tugging him toward the bed.

Matt blushed, pulled one of his hands out of Chris's grip to tug his shirt away from his body, but followed willingly enough. "I'm still ... I don't know. I don't know what you'll ... think of me ... " His hand fluttered around his stomach, his hips. "Dani was so ... little ... "

"Wait," said Chris, pausing where he was for a moment and staring at Matt incredulously. "Matt, are you worried I won't like your *body*? They body I have always, always told you was hot, even before you -- or I -- knew I was hot for it?"

Tugging at his shirt again, Matt licked his lips. "You haven't seen me like this," he explained. "It's different, what you think is hot, when touching is so ... theoretical, hypothetical ... "

"It's not going to be different with you," said Chris confidently. It just *wouldn't*. It was Matt. "I want to touch you, Matt. And it's definitely not gonna change the way I feel about you when I do, except maybe that I'm gonna want you more. And, um, hey ... you get to touch me back. So we're even, right?"

"But you're you," Matt protested, reaching out to touch Chris's forehead, his nose. "Thousands, *millions* of people wanting you ... so much more to offer ... "

Even as he spoke, he leaned in to try and kiss Chris again.

Chris held up one finger to Matt's lips, holding him off for just a moment. "Don't ever think that I have more to offer than you do," he said, very seriously, making sure that Matt could see that in his eyes. "I've always told you this, and you know I have, Matt -- you're an incredible person. I don't care how many people want me; they don't know me. You do. The only one I want to want me *is* you."

Matt's face softened, and he smiled underneath Chris's hand. "And I do," he whispered. Then, lowering his eyes, he slowly slipped his tongue out from between his lips, and curled it around Chris's finger, coaxing it into his mouth where he began to stuck gently.

"And *you're* the innocent one?" murmured Chris with wide eyes, feeling Matt's soft, warm tongue caress his finger. "I don't know how there's any possible way you thought I wouldn't desire *you*. I don't know how there was ever a time *I* didn't know I wanted you this ... " He exhaled softly as a shiver went through his body. " ... badly."

"I'm the innocent one," Matt agreed, backing Chris up to the bed again, looking down at him. "But ... hopefully, you'll help me change that?" Taking a deep breath, he took the hem of his shirt, that he was still fiddling with, and pulled it up over his head.

Chris looked him up and down, then ran his hands down Matt's body from his shoulders to his waist. "Told you ... hot," he said, holding him firmly so there could be no mistaking that he *was* touching him. "You have absolutely nothing to worry about, Matt, I'm gonna treat you *so* good ... "

Matt smiled shyly, then touched Chris's hip. "Yours, too?" he asked. "And then ... can we just ... kiss each other again, like we did? That was ... it was so unbelievably amazing, the way your ... tongue felt, in my mouth ... "

Chris stripped off his shirt quickly, not wanting anything to get in the way of further kissing and touching. "I'm sure that's not the only thing that's gonna be unbelievably amazing tonight," he said fervently, leaning over slightly and just waiting for Matt to tumble him onto the bed. 'Just ... make sure if you want something -- or *don't* want something -- don't by shy about telling me."

"Okay," Matt agreed quietly, then knelt one knee on the bed beside where Chris stood, and guided him down onto the mattress. "Please," he entreated him. "Show me what to do. Show me ... how you feel, so I know how to begin to show you what's inside of me in return." He looked *so* wide-eyed, and it was such a contrast to the strong features, the dyed hair and piercings.

"You're so beautiful," said Chris, reaching up to stroke his face again. "Fuck, I love you." He tugged Matt down further so he could finally kiss him again, Matt's body pressed down on his firmly. Their tongues tangled almost immediately, little shyness there now that both of them were certain the other wanted it just as much.

Matt whimpered and blanketed Chris's body, sighing into his mouth, his hands clutching the sheets. "Me too. Oh, me too, Chris," he insisted, gasping when their nipples dragged across each other. "Love you so much, so much and *so* fucking long ... "

"Then we have a lot of time to make up for," murmured Chris, "and I'm gonna do it right. You're gonna *know* what this is supposed to be like, Matt, I promise you that. It'll be so good." He chuckled softly into Matt's mouth. "It'd be that good even if we did nothing but kiss all night long." Then he stopped talking again to use his mouth in other ways, his hands slipping down Matt's body.

Matt moaned, struggling to push himself up on his hands so Chris could reach further down between them. "Please," he breathed desperately. "Don't. We have forever to kiss ... I need to know ... need to know what it feels like, to make love ... with you, when I mean it ... "

"I didn't say I was," said Chris, kissing the corner of his mouth then moving down to his throat. "I said it would be good, if that was what you wanted. If you want to make love ... then yes. We will. We definitely will. And that would make this ... foreplay." He slid his hand just beneath Matt's waistband at the small of his back and licked along his jawline. "Something I gather you've missed out on, before now ... "

"Foreplay," Matt echoed breathily, arching his back to give Chris even more access, arching his neck in tandem. "Is that okay? Some ... kissing ... licking, sucking? Whatever you have the patience to do with me. For me."

Chris rolled them over onto their sides, sliding his knee between Matt's legs and kissing along his throat again. "Anything you want to do is right," he assured him. "There's no ... there's not a right way to do this, I guess. Just the way that feels the best. And If your brother picks any time between now and dawn to check up on us, I'm going to kill him. I mean it."

"He *won't*," Matt assured him, his breath speeding up as he ran one of his own hands down Chris's stomach. The small lamp beside the bed was still on, so they could see each other clearly, and Chris had to smile at the transfixed way Matt watched his own hand on another man's skin. "I like the way *you* feel," he mumbled finally.

"That's a very good start, then," said Chris, kissing his temple softly. "We wouldn't get very far if we didn't like touching each other. Is there ... is there anything you want me to ... anything you want? Or should I just ... whatever I think of ... ?"

Matt glanced back over at him, shook his head and smiled. "What did you just say ... anything you want to do is right?" He turned his head for a kiss, one that seemed to go on forever. "I just want to know what I've missed, with you," he said, nipping at his lips.

"That's gonna take more than one night," Chris warned him. But he thought maybe that was the whole idea. "Might take a whole lot longer. You okay with that?" He smiled at him, his hand moving around Matt's waist to trail down his stomach and toy with the button on his jeans.

Eyes rolling back in his head, Matt thrust abruptly against Chris's hand. "God," he moaned, embarrassed. "Just having you *touch* me is too much. Chris -- I'm *never* going to last, man ... "

"Don't worry about it," said Chris quickly. He was pretty sure he'd last longer than Matt -- he had a little more experience doing it -- but not by much. Not this time. Especially since this was the first time since ... well, that didn't bear thinking about right then. That was a part of his life that was closing, and this new part was just beginning and deserved his full attention. "It's not like we're just gonna do it once or anything."

"Yeah?" Matt blinked at him, grinning slowly. "We can, um ... more than once?" His eyes were bright. "And maybe ... more than one way, maybe?" His hips were rolling in Chris's hands, he couldn't keep his body still, it seeemed.

"Oh, Matt," said Chris, his own smile broadening as he leaned in to kiss his lips gently. "You just have no idea what you're in for tonight. Just no idea. We can do anything, anything we want. Anything we're ready for -- and I'm so ... we're *already* intimate. At least, I think we are. I think we always have been. I feel like there's nowhere I can't go with you."

Matt's grin was enormous as he rolled over onto his back, bracing his feet on the bed and raising his hips off the bed in a way that was so *not* purposefully sexy that it was the most tantalizing thing Chris could remember seeing. "There isn't," he agreed, reaching down for his own zipper. "Chris ... what should I do ... "

Chris kissed him briefly again, his hand hovering over Matt's upper thigh. "Let's just both, um, get rid of everything else. Then we don't have to worry about that anymore and I can see you and you can see me and, um. Yeah, that'll be good. That'll be really good. Then we can sorta fumble through everything else, huh?"

"Can you?" Matt said softly, picking his hips up again. "Can you undress me? And maybe ... ooh and ahh, without making it sound like you're oohing and ahhing?" He smiled innocently. "I want to share this."

Chris laughed happily, touching the bridge of Matt's nose gently and grinning even wider when Matt went cross-eyed to look at him. "You're the most adorable person I've ever known. And trust me, I won't need any prompting to ooh and ahh when I finally see your body. All of your body."

He reached down and unzipped Matt's pants, spreading the flaps to either side and just looking for a moment, not even reaching inside. He chewed on his lip hard, knowing Matt could see, then slowly began sliding the pants down over his ass.

Matt's eyes fluttered closed and his legs shook as he continued to use them to hold himself up off the bed, while Chris worked his pants down his thighs. The bulge in his briefs stood out in sharp relief, all his muscles twitched in anitcipation, he was sure, of being touched. "Even my fat ass?" he whispered. "Joey and I have a lot in common, you know ... "

"I'm telling Joey you said he had a fat ass," threatened Chris mildly as the pants slipped further and further down. "I'll let you in on a little secret, though. Neither JC nor I think *either* of you do. So stop that. You turn me on, all right?" He paused for a moment and sat up to just look Matt's body up and down, take in all the things he loved about it and add them to the things he already loved about Matt's personality and his mind.

Matt smiled. "Fine, tell him," he murmured. "Just means you'll defend me, right?" He moaned a little as Chris still didn't move to pull the pants off the rest of the way, didn't make a move to remove his underwear. "Chris," he whimpered, his knees falling open a little, "remember that thing I said? About the not being able to last so much?"

"Just let me ... " murmured Chris, still staring at him, running an hand over Matt's bare thigh. "God. You *are* so beautiful. How can you not think so?" A moment later he stripped Matt's pants all the way off and dropped them to the floor, then hooked his thumbs on either side of Matt's underwear. "Do you want me to ... ? Or do you want me to take my own stuff off first? Or ... do *you* want to undress me?" He thought maybe Matt would want that another time, when he wasn't already flat on his back and it didn't look like Chris was about to blow him -- which he was -- but Chris made the offer anyway, just in case.

"Either," Matt squirmed, trying to work his hips against Chris's hands so the underwear would start slipping off. "Just ... more naked ... want you to touch my dick, *please* ... I know enough to know foreplay isn't supposed to be you just watching me beg ... "

"I'm *not*," said Chris. "I'm just ... admiring. Baby, I'm gonna get you off now so we can slow down for the next time, okay? Trust me, you're gonna like this ... " He did slide Matt's underwear off then, smoothly, dropping them on the floor with his pants. And he took another moment to admire him but not so long this time, because Matt looked so utterly needy, so desperate to have something happen. He stroked the insides of Matt's thighs with both hands, then crawled up closer and kissed the very tip of his dick before sliding his tongue out to lap at it carefully.

Matt hiccuped and bucked against Chris's hands, and when Chris glanced up found he was staring at him with wide eyes. "God," he babbled breathily. "God, you'd think I'd never had my dick sucked ... but it's *you* ... I can't believe it's *you*, Chris ..." He bit his lip and propped himself up on his elbow, obviously not willing to stop watching now that he'd seen that.

Chris smiled at him sweetly -- *genuinely* sweetly, which was a smile that few people ever saw out of him -- and went back to what he was doing, lapping at Matt's dick then taking the head into his mouth and sucking on it gently. Leaving one hand on Matt's thigh, he curled the other around the base of his dick and began very slowly stroking it. He couldn't speak but didn't need to; Matt was watching and reacting to his every motion.

As soon as Chris started stroking him, Matt began to squirm in earnest, clutching at Chris's hair with his fist and then wrapping an ankle around his back. "Fuck," he mumbled, "Chris. I need it too much. Don't ... I ... " He moaned pitifully as Chris could tell he tired to hold back and just *couldn't*, exploding in his mouth before either one of them was prepared.

Chris struggled to swallow quickly enough, his hand stilling but his mouth still working Matt until he'd finished. Lifting his head, his used a finger to catch a small dribble of come that had escaped the corner of his mouth, the sucked it clean and gave Matt another smile. He was glad he'd done this for him first, instead of trying to go ahead with anything else. There would be a lot less pressure now, for both of them.

"Mmph," Matt grunted, covering his eyes with his elbow. "Shit. *That* was fucking embarrassing. But ... " He lifted his leg and rubbed it gently against Chris's side. "God, you're really good at that, man."

Chris kissed his hip wetly before crawling the rest of the way back up the bed to Matt's side, lying on his stomach and slinging an arm over Matt's chest. "Not embarassing at all," he promised him, kissing his neck unselfconsciously. It was so much more comfortable now, being sure of what was happening between them. "And I'm not *that* good at that. Just ... as enthusiastic as you were. Which is the important thing."

"You just ... know a lot," Matt sighed, hugging him close, despite being naked and a little sweaty where Chris was still half-dressed. "That's all. Now can we ... I mean, these came come off, right?" He slipped a braver hand down Chris's ass, cupping it firmly.

Chris grinned almost giddily at the way Matt was reciprocating. "It would be awfully hard to make love to you if they couldn't," he said, claiming Matt's mouth for a long moment. "Do you want to ... ?" He backed away enough so that if Matt wanted to be the one to undress him, he was now able.

"I do," Matt said simply, pushing himself up to lean over Chris's body, running a still-trembling hand down his chest and stomach, pressing lightly over his crotch. "Everything?" he asked softly.

"Everything," agreed Chris. He wanted to push back against Matt's hand but also didn't want to scare him off, so he let Matt take everything at his own pace. "And then we can ... whatever. Whatever we want. Okay?"

"Okay," Matt agreed, leaning the rest of the way down to kiss him, then starting to work on his pants while he teased at Chris's tongue with his piercing. "Is it ... okay ... if we leave that light on?" he asked, nipping softly at Chris's jaw. "I want to see you. I want to see - " he slipped Chris's pants and underwear down his hips in one clumsy motion "-you. Wow."

"And now you are," murmured Chris, trying to get Matt to kiss him again, to feel that piercing rolling against his tongue To imagine it rolling against other things. "Lights are fine. Good. Yes. No problem." He closed his eyes and tilted his head up, greedy for more.

But just as Chris had taken his time to stare at and study Matt's body, Matt did the same, running his fingers tentatively down his stomach and groin and hipbones. "I like it," he murmured, almost to himself. "I like the way you look. I like ... this," he said, touching Chris's nipple, "and this," touching the patch of dark hair at the base of his cock.

Chris moaned softly at the brief touches, opening his eyes again to watch Matt watch him, and taking delight in the way Matt seemed mesmerized by the sight. "See anything else you like?" he teased gently. resting one of his hands over one of Matt's.

"All of it," Matt admitted, with naked honesty, entwining his fingers with Chris's. "Just ... all of you." He leaned down to kiss him again, then helped him work his pants off over his ankles and feet. "Don't make me choose." His lips were warm on his mouth and face and neck, the stud in his tongue a cool shock whenever he felt it.

"You'll never have to choose," Chris promised him, moaning softly again. "It's all yours. To touch and kiss and just ... experiment with. To learn. For *both* of us to learn ... " He nuzzled Matt's neck and slid a knee between his legs again, moving them closer together.

"What are we doing, now?" Matt asked softly, trailing a finger slowly between Chris's legs, pinching the tendon where his thigh met his groin gently. "Should we ... I mean, do I need to take care of you, too? Before we f- ... before you make love to me?"

"I wouldn't stop you," said Chris honestly, looking as Matt got closer and closer to his erection. "But I don't need to. i'm ... under control. Or as much as I can be when I'm in bed with you." He reached down to lay his hand over Matt's again, following his motions and trying to experience what he was experiencing.

"Okay," Matt gave him a hopeful smile. "Okay, Chris. I will ... I want to. Sometime. But right now ... god, I really just want to see your face, to kiss you as you ... um, push into me ... " His grip tightened on Chris's hips, his fingernails digging into him.

"Hope you don't mind if I take my time," said Chris, smiling back at him and giving him a slow wink. He wanted to put as much distance between this and Matt's previous experience as he could, if only to prove how different he was. "If I use my fingers in you for a while, and kiss your body all over ... "

Matt flushed. "*All* over?" he practically squeaked. "Um. That sounds ... uh, really good." Taking a deep breath, he lowered himself onto Chris's body, between his legs. His eyes grew wide as their naked forms pressed together for the first time. "Wow. Good."

"All over," repeated Chris, running one hand through Matt's thick hair, still smiling up at him. Matt felt good pressed up against him, felt *right* in a way that he didn't think he'd felt before. He hadn't been sure he was ready to move on, but having come as far as he had he *knew* that nothing was going to stop this now. That he and Matt were doing something that really had been a long time coming. "Or we could just stay like this ... "

Matt grinned and rubbed against him a little. "No ... I kind of ... want that kissing thing," he insisted. "I mean, you don't *have* to, but it would be so nice ... sexy ... plus ... aren't I supposed to have you between *my* legs?"

Chris chuckled softly, just at the look on Matt's face, so innocent and eager and lewd at the same time. "I was thinking you'd maybe changed your mind about who was gonna be doing what," he said, tipping him over until they were on their sides again. "How do you ... I mean, which way to do you ... ?" He rolled his eyes at himself. "How would you be most comfortable doing it?" he asked.

Matt frowned uncomfortably. "What, like ... position? Cause ... no, I didn't change my mind. Not at all. I want you inside me. I want to know what that's supposed to feel like ... when you're with someone that cares ... " He lifted his leg and draped it over Chris's, trailing his heel up the back of Chris's knee.

"I know," said Chris, nodding his head, stroking a hand down Matt's spine. "I mean, I figured that. I just meant ... what position do you want to do *that* in? So, you know, we can clear that up now and I don't have to ask you a little while from now when I hope we'll both be panting too hard to speak."

Matt laughed, his eyes sparkling. "Agreed," he said. "As for position ... you *know* I'm not the expert. Some way I can kiss you, I guess. And love you ... " He pulled Chris closer with his leg, attacked his mouth again.

"Well, that's why I'm asking, I guess," Chris panted out between kisses. "In case there's something you wanted ... or didn't want ... or whatever ... so I'll um ... " He stop trying to talk and just kissed, first Matt's lips then down his throat, then back up to the sensitive spot behind his ear.

"Fuck," Matt hissed, clutching him closer. "Fuck. Chris ... I didn't even ... do you have stuff?" His hands felt like they were everywhere on Chris's body, drifting down his side, cupping his ass again, his tongue following.

Chris paused in mock dismay. "God, I hope that condom isn't expired," he teased. "It's been in my bag for an awfully long time ... " Then he sucked on Matt's ear for a long moment before slipping down to his collarbone, a smile on his face. Matt even *tasted* good.

"Go," Matt whined, nudging him. "Go. If you don't think we'll be able to stop long enough to discuss positions, we sure won't be able to stop to find a condom, man ... " He groaned, tipping his head back.

Chris groaned, but had to admit that Matt was right. And then it hit him that they were going to have *sex* and he kissed him fiercely again before moving away. "Okay, going, it *better* be where I think it is ... " He scrambled off the bed before anything could stop him -- and so many things on that bed *could* have -- and dashed into the bathroom to search through his shaving kit. "Fuck!" he said when it didn't turn up, and hoped that Matt hadn't heard.

"Chris?" he heard Matt call. "Come on, man ... god, I've been waiting for you for fucking *years* already ... I don't want to have to start by myself ... "

"I'm *coming*," he called out, frantically ransacking the bathroom and finally finding one in one of the courtesy baskets. Thank God for fancy hotels. Or cheap ones. Whatever. Clutching it in his fist and grabbing some hand lotion he dashed back out of the bathroom. "Okay, okay, we're ready," he promised, dropping them on the bed as he crawled over Matt's body to rejoin him.

Matt's happy, confident smile was worth all of it, he knew. "Position?" he asked. "Before we start panting again?" He touched Chris eagerly, running his hands down his backside, up the insides of his legs.

"If we want to kiss," said Chris, his eyes just as bright as Matt's he was sure, "then we can do it with me on top ... or we can do it with you on top ... and I'm going to leave that *entirely* up to you. Whatever you want. However you want to do it. Um ... last time? How did you do it then?"

Matt blushed and pulled back, almost imperceptibly. "Oh. I was .... he was behind me. He said it would be ... a little easier, that way. But so ... well. The kissing, though." As if to emphasize it, he craned his neck back up and tasted Chris's lips again, licking gently.

"It is kinda easier that way," confessed Chris gently, kissing him back with tiny, fleeting kisses. "For your first time, anyway. But ... I like it face to face better. Especially, you know, with you. So I can see you and kiss you and ... yeah. So I'm glad we both want that."

"You'll have to show me how," Matt told him, keeping his chin up even though his cheeks were pink. "I mean, not like I haven't seen porn, or walked in on Joe and Jace enough, but ... it's a little different when it's *your* body."

"I've walked in on those two so many times you'd think they set it up or something. You'd think they get off on it." Chris rolled his eyes and grinned wider when he saw Matt smiling back. "It's pretty easy, really. I mean, once you start doing stuff ... it all just kinda comes naturally ... "

"They *do* look good ..." Matt murmured, touching Chris's hips again, arching his back a little. "Like ... really good. Sexy. Happy. I ... " He blushed harder. "I've always been surprised by how much Joe, um ... bottoms for JC. I wouldn'tve thought."

"He likes it," said Chris simply, rolling them over more so he was half on top of him. "You ever, um, asked him about it? Because he *loves* to talk about it ... " Duh, of course he had, they're *brothers*, he reminded himself. "I bet we'll look even sexier and happier. Not that anyone's gonna see."

"Right," Matt said shyly. "Right. I know he likes it. I blame half of fucking Nick on him, in any case. Although ... " He shrugged. "He does kinda ... shelter me, from some stuff. JC's way more ... informative."

"You don't need to be sheltered," said Chris, starting back on his neck yet again, unable to stay away from it. "You just need to be treated right. If there's one thing I know now ... it's that. I guess JC was just a little quicker than me, huh?" He kissed down Matt's collarbone and finally took one already-tight nipple into his mouth.

Matt gasped. "Oh, god, Chris ... your mouth ... " He bucked up against him again, and Chris could feel that he was completely and fully aroused, already. "SO fucking good ... please ... he spread his legs so that Chris could settle between them, then clutched at his ass.

"Shhh," said Chris gently, moving to the other nipple and tonguing it a little harder. "We'll get there. I promise I'm not teasing, I'm just taking it slow, baby. Taking it slow and good, okay? Hmm?" He didn't really expect Matt to answer, though.

"Okay," Matt panted. "I'm not complaining, just ... not used to ... " He groaned again when Chris got even less delicate. "Having anyone make me feel like this ... " He wrapped his calf around the back of Chris's knee, surprisingly graceful.

"Good, then I'm first," murmured Chris as he dipped his tongue into Matt's navel then licked over his stomach. "You did ask me to do this, right?" It was a rhetorical question, though, and he moved on to lick at Matt's hip then trailed his tongue down the crease stopping just short of his groin.

"I ... yeah," Joey bit out, holding his breath, holding his hips in his own hand -- pressing down into the bed. "I didn't really think you meant ... or that it meant ... fuck. Why does having your tongue in my belly button get me hot?"

"Try doing it to me some time and see what happens," murmured Chris, shuffling down the bed so he could trail his tongue down Matt's inner thigh. Matt's legs spread even further; he hardly even had to try. "That's right," he said softly. He wasn't sure Matt could here, and wasn't sure it even mattered, at this point. "I'll be in there soon enough."

"God," Matt shivered, picking one knee up, resting his foot flat on the bed. "God, Chris, I'll try doing whatever you want, to you ... but next time ... this is taking too much self-control." His hand threaded through Chris's hair tenderly.

"Okay, baby," said Chris, backing away as soon as he knew Matt was serious. "Okay, no problem." The last thing he was going to do was make Matt feel bad or guilty for stopping him, for doing the exact thing that Chris had asked him to. Stroking his fingertips down the insides of Matt's thighs, he gave him an encouraging smile. "Do you want to hand me the lotion? Then I can ... " Even though the sentence drifted off, he knew Matt knew exactly what he was suggesting.

Matt blinked at him. "Wha- You didn't have to ... I just meant I didn't think I could handle trying to, um, recip- ... reciprocate ... " He groaned loudly when Chris gave his body another generous lick. "Um. Lotion. Okay."

"Are you sure?" asked Chris, nuzzling the back of his knee and giving his thigh another lap. "Because I can keep on, if you think you'll last. If you think it's not too much to take .. " Matt's body was still shaking though, and from the looks of it his dick was about as hard as it could possibly get.

"It's been too much to take since you kissed me," Matt said bluntly, desperately, his own hands trailing over his chest. "Just ... however, whatever you want me to feel ... if I come too soon, I come too soon." He inhaled sharply again. "S'not like we won't ever do it again ... "

"Exactly," murmured Chris, that matter-of-fact realization about how things were with them bringing a smile to his face. "Right." He wasn't going to prolong this, though. Because there would be another time for it, too, when both of their stamina was a bit more up to par. He left the lotion where it was, just within reach, and gently cupped the backs of Matt's knees with his palms, lifting and spreading his legs. "Now just relax," he said softly, not sure if it was needed or not but pretty sure it couldn't hurt.

Matt sighed, and Chris could feel him, see him practically melt back into the bed, once it was clear what he was about to do. "You're such a ... god, amazing person, amazing lover," he babbled. "I love this, the kissing and touching and lights on and the taking the time ... love you ... "

"Love you too," said Chris, feeling the words differently, more fully, every time he said them. Once Matt was open to him he let go and let his hands drift up his thighs again, relaxing the muscles. Or trying to -- he could still feel them twitching beneath his hands. This time he did reach for the lotion, squeezing some out onto his fingers, still determined to take this slow, for both Matt's sake and his own. And if Matt came while being finger fucked, well, that wasn't a bad thing at all. And they could always do it again. "It's been a while since I've done this," he warned him softly as he approached. "A really long while."

Matt's cheeks were pink again as he reached out for Chris's shoulder. "It's ... okay," he murmured. "I've ... I mean. You know. Had to, um, take care of things. So I'm used to ... that." He was licking his lips again, and raising his hips, and certainly looked like he knew what was coming.

Chris flushed himself at the thought of Matt taking care of things for himself. At the visual of it that popped immediately into his head and forced him to pause just for a moment to make sure he wasn't trembling. Then he slid just one finger into Matt's body, working it gently past the rings of muscle so that it slid in smoothly.

"There," he whispered, more to himself than to Matt, beginning to move it carefully. The sight of that, too, sent a pleasurable shiver through his body. Matt was tight, he'd forgotten how tight this was. He hadn't been kidding when he'd said it had been a long, long while since he'd been with a guy at all, like this.

Matt's moan was low and keening. "Chris," he murmured. "You're so warm ... it's so warm to have you inside me, like this ... " It was amazing how open he was to him, how accepting of his fingers and hands, when he'd been so self-conscious about his body earlier. "Do you ... is it okay?"

"Okay?" moaned Chris as he pushed and pulled gently inside Matt's body. "It's ... great. I love doing this with you. I wish we'd been doing this all along." He spilled more lotion on his hand to make sure they didn't run out -- it made things messy, but at least everything in sight was slick -- and began carefully working a second finger inside. He'd figured it would be longer before Matt was ready, but he seemed so relaxed now, so into it, Chris didn't feel it was premature at all.

Groaning, Matt surprised Chris by starting to move against his hand as soon as he'd added the second finger, pushing off the bed with his shoulders and heels. "Not me," he breathed. "This is perfect. I wouldn't have changed a thing ... if I hadn't been with Nick before ... "

"Nick's an idiot for not getting down on his knees and fucking worshipping your body for hours," muttered Chris as he began slowly fucking Matt with his hand. He stared at the motions, his eyes wide in awe of it. But he knew that if Matt hadn't been with Nick he probably *wouldn't* have been ready for what was coming. It was ... a necessary step, as much as he hated to admit that now. "You're so amazing. I've always thought so."

"You could have told me a *little* earlier, then," Matt teased softly, his own eyes tightly shut, his lip caught between his teeth. "Even if you didn't know you wanted me like this ... if I'd known you thought I could be sexy ... that you weren't making fun of me when we talked about anything like that ... " He was speaking in breathy pants, in rhythm with the way Chris was stroking him inside.

"I was never making fun of you," promised Chris, groping for the condom. "And I never knew you thought I was.If I had ... I would have said something a very long time ago, Matt. A *very* long time ago." He pulled his fingers out with a pang of regret, and hovered and traced the rim of Matt's hole with his fingertips, in wonder. "You're so hot."

Matt whimpered at the loss, too. "Chris ... " he pleaded. "I wasn't -- I didn't mean that," he insisted. "I didn't *really* think you were making fun, just ... it was my worst fear, or ... please, touch me again, cause I'm ... I still didn't ... " He didn't even acknowledge what Chris had said, so seemingly concerned with having upset him.

Chris dropped the condom. "Are you not ready?" he asked in concern, slipping the tip of his finger inside again, easily. "I'm sorry, I thought ... okay." The finger slid all the way in, then back out again. "I can keep doing this ... "

Matt actually laughed, groaning in frustration. "No!" he protested. "That's not ... *yes*, I'm ready. For you. I just hadn't ... you hadn't touched me *there*, yet, and I'm just ... really, really wanting to feel that. But if ... I mean, I'd love it to be, um. Not with your fingers, if you want to."

"That was the plan," murmured Chris, thrusting with his finger a couple more times before withdrawing it again."You have, before, right?" he asked as he reached for the condom again. "Felt that?"

"*Oh* yeah," Matt said quickly, automatically, then blushed again. "Yeah, I have. Chris - " he groped for his arm, not getting in the way of him putting on the condom, but obviously wanting his attention, the contact. "*You* want to do this, right? It's not ... I mean, before you said it was too soon. After. You know."

"I want to do this," said Chris as he slid the condom on. That, at least, he wasn't out of practice at. "With you. It would have been too soon for me to get intimate with someone else. But you and me ... we already had that. You're the only person I could've been with." Which didn't mean he wasn't worried about what came after this, about trying to make something work again. But right now ... no regrets. "Are you ready, Matt?" he asked softly.

"Yes," Matt said simply, letting his hand drift up to Chris's forehead, then trail down the side of his face, across his lips. "Yes. I always have been, and just ... before you do? Thank you in advance." His smile was sweet, and open, and he looked so accepting as he let go and reached his arms over his head and tilted his hips.

Chris just smiled at him for a moment -- *beamed* at him for a moment -- before he finally tore his eyes away so he could coat himself with lotion. "You don't need to thank me," he murmured, laying his hands between Matt's legs, right at the top of his thighs. "For anything." Matt may have been ready, but he wasn't sure *he* was. Shaking, he positioned himself but didn't push in.

"You *can*," Matt said firmly, noting the way Chris was hesitating. "I want it. And not 'cause I'm all hot and bothered again, but because it's *you*." He covered Chris's hands with his own, briefly, before resuming his position. "And I *do* have to thank you for that, because I wouldn't beg like for this anyone else ... " "I know I can," said Chris, pressing up against him lightly, almost going inside. "I'm just ... I want you so badly, too, Matt." He chuckled softly. "Maybe I should've taken you up on your offer earlier." But then he was doing it, pressing more firmly and slowly but surely sinking inside of him. He couldn't help but moan, his eyes leaving Matt's face to watch it happen.

"Oh ... *God*," Matt breathed, his own eyes wide when Chris glanced back up at him. "I can ... I can *feel* how slow you're going," he described. "I can feel your dick ... god, every inch ... as you get deeper ... oh GOD Chris ... "

"Just tell me it's good," murmured Chris, his own legs trembling with the effort. "Just tell me it feels good, Matt, that's all I need to know." This level of control wasn't some thing he was going to be able to maintain, not once he was finally all the way inside and Matt's body was accustomed to him being there.

Matt laughed in delight, again, gripping the pillow behind his head. "God. I thought it would ... hurt, again, you know? ... but ... no, it just feels full, and hot, and ... " Chris smiled at the way he kept trying to put words to something that couldn't be described. "Fuck yeah it's good."

"Good," said Chris, finally sinking in all the way and letting out a gasp as he did. "That's how it's ... *supposed* to be." Then he couldn't say anything at all as Matt moved against him, obviously wanting more, as desperate for more as Chris was. There was definitely, definitely no turning back now. Not that he'd really considered that from the first moment they'd kissed.

Matt struggled to hitch one of his legs higher, grinning apologetically at Chris. "And ... does it, for you?" he asked quietly. "Feel ... okay?" He reached out with one of his hands again and grabbed the back of Chris's neck, pulling him down for a kiss.

"Feels wonderful," murmured Chris, the moment before their lips met. "Feels absolutely wonderful." He had to pull away again so he could begin to move, making tiny thrusts inside Matt's body, but he kept his eyes on Matt's face the whole time. He couldn't not, taking in every expression he made as the moved together. As they moved against each other. As they just moved, obviously giving each other sparks of pleasure with each motion.

"As good as you ... remember?" Matt breathed, trying to use his legs to urge Chris deeper still. "As good as ... as Dani?" He looked embarrassed to have asked, but held Chris's gaze bravely.

"It's you," said Chris easily. There wasn't a way to compare Matt and Dani, not physically anyway, not the way Matt seemed to want to be reassured. But there was something else Chris wanted to make sure he knew, something that *did* make this different from anything he'd ever experienced. "You know me better than anyone in the world. That makes this ... more. More than ever before."

Matt's smile only faltered a little. "Me too, then," he said. "Me too, Chris." Then he fell silent, watching Chris's face, struggling to push himself up to watch Chris thrusting slowly inot his body, leaning his head back to watch the ceiling.

Chris held onto Matt's legs firmly but gently, spreading them as the pushed inside, over and over again. Matt *was* so tight, but Chris couldn't be sure that was just him and not guys in general, it had just been so long. No matter what, though, it felt so very, very good. Matt's legs still tried to wrap around him and he let them, just supporting them now, letting his whole body be cocooned by Matt. He leaned in for another brief kiss, then shifted his hips and angles himself differently, knowing what Matt wanted to feel.

"Oh!" Matt blurted. "Oh my ... oh, fuck ... " He grabbed the back of Chris's neck again, and dug his heel almost painfully into the back of Chris's thigh. "Right there. Right *there*, Chris ... and I've never ... not when you're so big, in me ... " His eyes were huge as he waited for Chris to hit his prostate again. And again.

Which he did, without hesitation, determined to make sure that Matt never stopped wanting this. And it wasn't like it wasn't good for him, too. "Love you," he murmured, at a loss for anything else to say in that moment, as their sweaty, hot bodies moved together so effortlessly.

"Love *you*," Matt protested, finally smiling again, running an impatient hand down Chris's back and squeezing his ass. "Love you, love how good you feel ... love all the ideas you're giving me for when I get to do this to you, next ... "

"Good," Chris gasped out, hardly thinking about this yet when he was still in the middle of *this*. His hips were moving faster now but Matt was taking it without complaint. And *with* a great deal of eagerness, as far as he could tell, which just made it better and better.

"God," Matt blinked, twisting his hips up to take Chris's thrusts even deeper. "God, Chris ... can you ... could you touch me? Is it okay, if I ... I think I can come, if you would ... " It was so ... sweet, that he felt like he had to ask so politely; it was going to be fun for Chris to teach him to expect it.

He wrapped his fingers around Matt's erection and began moving his hand in time with his thrusts, struck again by just *how* much he wanted him, and how happy he was to be right exactly where he was, right then. "Of course it's okay," he murmured, leaning down as far as he could, and smiling broadly at Matt as he leaned up to meet him halfway so they could kiss again.

Matt moaned more softly into his mouth, using his piercing to capture Chris's lip between his own lip and his tongue. "God, I could let you do this forever," he promised. "Why would anyone want to rush through it?"

"I have no idea," murmured Chris, still rocking into him. "Especially not when you have a whole night ahead of you. Though the quickie does have its place ... " Another time and another place, though. Definitely not now, when they were so caught up in each other than neither wanted to go anywhere, ever.

"It can't be like this," Matt insisted, then reached between their bodies to thread his fingers with Chris's as he stroked him. "This fucking ... *heavenly* place you're taking me to ... where my brain's all fuzzy and my vision's cloudy and I can't feel my toes... "

"No," agreed Chris. "It's definitely different than .. than this ... " His words were lost in gasps and moans as he clutched Matt's body and just threw himself into it, his eyes closing as he found himself in that same place, where love and lust and need took over everything else.

Matt looked *so* wide-eyed, *so* overwhelmed when he started to come, Chris had to wonder if it wasn't mostly all due to the pressure, the sensation on his prostate -- if he even had to be touching him at all. "Chris - " he choked out, "oh ... perfect ... "

It was what Chris had been waiting for -- absolutely determined that Matt would come while they were making love -- and once he did he felt free to let himself go. He knew he was still hitting Matt's prostate when he drove inside him and came, hard, and he hoped the sensation wouldn't prove to be too much for him.

"Love you," he said again, letting go out Matt's dick and wrapping his hand around Matt's leg again, knowing that it would probably be only moments before his muscles weakened and his legs began to drop. "Perfect," he had to agree.

Matt caught his breath, panting, looking at Chris in wonder. "Was that?" he asked softly. "God, that's what I always imagined it'd be like ... having someone fuck me to make *me* come ... I hope - it wasn't too hard, was it? To wait?" he babbled breathlessly. "And oh, god, love you too, man."

"It was great for me, too," Chris assured him again as he tried to catch his own breath, reaching up to run a hand through Matt's hair. "I'm a good guy, but not *that* good. I did this for me, too." He grinned down at him and very gently began to pull out of Matt's body.

"No," Matt said immediately, decisively "No, don't ... yet. Please." He struggled up onto his elbows again, letting his feet fall back to the bed. "Kiss me first. Let me be selfish and keep you here. I don't ... I'm not in a rush for this to be over."

Chris paused where he was, unable to push back in but not moving out any further. With another smile he leaned in and kissed Matt again -- like *that* was something he ever wouldn't want to do. "It's not over," he said as he nuzzled against Matt's cheek. "Not if we don't want it to be. I'm not going anywhere and neither are you. In fact, I plan to wake up with you in the morning ... if that's all right with you."

"You want me to stay with you?" Matt asked softly, capturing Chris's lips again. "Really? I won't be in the way? I mean, I know we're not quite ready to sleep just *yet*, but ... " He sighed happily. "I thought maybe you'd want your ... space, or whatever." He grinned. "No PJs, though."

"I'd rather have you than my space," said Chris, pressing his forehead to Matt's and staring into his eyes. "We're not ... I mean ... you and me isn't casual. I don't think it *could* be casual. I want to wake up with you now, whenever I can. There are going to be too many times in between when we can't, after all."

Matt's face fell, and he looked away, and Chris had to wonder if he'd even *thought* about any of that yet. "No, you're right," he said softly, shifting his own hips so Chris slipped the rest of the way out. "I just didn't ... wow, want to assume. Kinda do that too much as it is."

"I think it's safe to assume that I want to be with you," said Chris, trying to turn Matt's face toward him even as he stripped the condom off and tried to clean himself up a little. "Is it ... safe for me to assume the same goes for you? That you want to be with me, whenever you can?"

"I'm here," Matt murmured. "And you can sure as hell bet I didn't give up my summer for *Joey*. You just ... " He pulled his chin away. "You have to tell me the times I 'can't'. Or whatever. 'Cause I won't automatically know, Chris."

"What do you mean, tell you when we can't?" asked Chris, blinking at him in confusion. "I mean ... we can't when you're at school, Matt. When we're, like, physically apart." He smiled again, even though it was a bit sadly. "You're a bright guy, I don't think you'll need me to point out when you're across the continent from me."

Matt blushed. "Oh. I thought ... I didn't think you meant that," he admitted. "Well ... you know, nobody says I *have* to go back to school this fall," he said slowly, like he was sort of scared of how Chris might respond to that. "I can take a year off, or as long as I want ... if you want me to ... "

"Oh, Matt," said Chris softly. "I ... fuck, I want to be totally selfish and tell you that I want you with me all the time. But ... you're you partly because of school and because of how much you love it and how good you are at it and ... would we be happy if I took that away from you before you were done? I don't ... I hope I'm not going too fast when I say that I don't want you and me to be a temporary thing. I just ... it *can't* be. Now that we're, you know, US ... that's what I want. All the time."

"But that's what I want, too," Matt said petulantly. "I can go back to school any time ... I need you to need me, and we can do that so much better if I'm here with you. I don't *care* about school," he said vehemently. "I care about *you*, and you're better with me around. I know you are."

"Shhh," said Chris, watching Matt seem to get more and more agitated about that. "It's not something we even need to think about yet. Our summer is just starting, and we'll be together every day." He moved off Matt's body finally and curled up beside him, holding him close. "Everything's okay at school, though, right? I mean ... you haven't wanted to talk about it yet ... but I figured that was just because it's your vacation and all ... "

"School's fine," Matt sighed. "That's not it. It just seems so ... unimportant. In comparison. To being with you. And shit, Joe practically supports Steve and Janine, no reason why he can't do it for me ... just 'cause I've never taken money and stuff from him before ... "

"You wouldn't need Joey to do that, if it's what you really wanted," said Chris, running his hand lightly up and down Matt's side. "You know how much I wish I could go back to school right now and do all the stuff that I always planned to. And that I've kinda been living through you, a little, there ... " He closed his eyes as he burrowed in against Matt's warm neck. "So we don't have to decide at all now. We *shouldn't* decide now. Not when we're just starting."

"But," Matt began to protest, then relaxed under Chris's soothing petting. "Okay, if you say so," he said quietly. "Are you going to sleep?" He seemed more calm, but still preoccupied, still worried, as if none of what was happening between them felt *real* to him. "You can if you need to, I'll just hold you some, if that's okay ... "

"I don't want to sleep yet," protested Chris, worried about the awkwardness that was creeping into how Matt was acting toward him. "But you can hold me anyway. I think I'd really like it if you did. Is there anything ... um ... you want to talk about? While we're recovering?"

"Why?" Matt asked innocently, clutching him tight. "Am I doing something wrong? I just ... don't know how I'm supposed to act, Chris, after doing all that. And so I'm just saying what I'm feeling and it seems like it's making you uncomfortable. Can you tell me why? Just ... be honest with me."

"No, no, shh," said Chris, soothingly. "I'm just asking because this *is* new to you. And I thought you might want to talk about it. Or something. I mean ... God knows *I* did, when I was first getting involved with someone."

"Is it okay to tell you I love you?" Matt asked bluntly in reply, his eyes very, very brown. "Is that the kind of involved we are? Is it okay for me to kiss you, in front of Jace and my brother, and Justin and Lance? Is *that* the kind of involved we are? I'm just ... okay, it's *so* new to me. And I hate doing things wrong."

"That's definitely the kind of involved we are, as far as I'm concerned," said Chris, absolutely captured by his eyes. "And I bet Joey and JC are *expecting* it now, after last night. After everything they've heard about this ... from both of us. I mean ... you already knew I wanted someone serious, right? You knew that, coming into this?"

"I ... " Matt started, then licked his lips. "I didn't know," he admitted. "I mean ... you seemed so sure you weren't ready to move on. But then I figured you'd never have done that with me, never -- since you knew how much it meant to me -- if you weren't ready for it to be at least close to what you think I wanted. Right?" "Right," said Chris, taking a moment to follow that. "I ... I *am* a little scared I'm gonna screw up with you, because I've screwed up before and things have ended badly. And I *wasn't* ready to move on to someone new, wasn't ready to start over. But you ... we've been together in everything but this for years now. It's like I'm not starting over, you were already inside me. All we had to do was take this last step. Does that make sense?"

Matt nodded. "Mmm, yeah," he admitted, then cupped Chris's face in his hands gently. "That goes for everything, you know -- I know you won't mess up, or do something bad, because you wouldn't hurt me like that. *I* know you're not gonna screw up, even if you dont."

"Thanks," said Chris, still gazing at him. "I think I needed to hear that. "I would never hurt you on purpose. I'm just scared of hurting you by accident. But I guess you already know how hard it is to be with us, especially when we can't make time for anything but work. And you've survived that and we're tighter than ever. I just ... hope that doesn't change, now that we know what we are to each other. Because my lifestyle ... the group ... that's *not* going to change, not yet anyway."

"We'll just ... try, " Matt said carefully. "I'll be here for a while, and we'll just see. And unless your 'lifestyle' means you have to hook up with thin, blonde fans on a regular basis -- or at all, really -- I think we'll be okay. Plus ... it's better 'cause it's me, right? Like ... I get to do stuff other people you'd date wouldn't."

Chris's smile found its way back onto his face at that. "Yeah, it does," he said, beginning to stroke Matt's skin again. "It's better because it's you anyway. And ... I don't think I've ever been as in love with anyone as I'm in love with you. I've just ... never let anyone in like that. I didn't even have to think about it with you, it just happened. We just got close. And I can promise you, there will be no thin, blonde fans in my future. There'll just be you."

"Okay," Matt smiled, snuggling against him. "Good. Cause ... I'm not, you know. Thin. Or, um. Blonde. But ... I *could* be ... " he pondered. Then blushed. "So. Um. I wanted to ask you ... The tongue stud? What'd you think?"

Chris let out a soft moan. "The tongue stud. My God. Is amazing. And I thought it was great to *look* at. Little did I know." He wrapped his arms around Matt and held him even closer -- he was so warm against him. He wasn't used to having someone warmer than him in bed; Dani had always been so cold. "I like you the way you are. I don't want anything else. So don't go blonde or anything. Well, I mean, you could. God knows you've been every other color. But don't go blonde for *me*."

MAtt laughed. "Okay. I'll take that under advisement." He quieted for a minute, then licked carefully at Chris's jaw. "It's just ... the reason I ask ... you know you didn't *really* get to experience the, uh, full range of what it can do."

"Not *yet*," amended Chris, shivering as Matt's tongue touched him. "But I hope to, someday soon. When you, you know, want to do that. Because, you and me, we have our lives, you know? I mean .. fuck, I don't want to scare you, Matt. That's just ... how I'm thinking. That I don't ever want you gone."

"Me either," Matt said easily, then pushed on Chris's chin so that the side of his face was pressed into the pillow, and he could kiss him harder. "You busy right now, man? Because what you're saying, it's so nice ... but I kind of have this problem here ... " He held Chris's face tighter, and started rubbing up against his leg gently.

"You're kidding me," said Chris, grinning at him and hoping Matt *knew* he was teasing. Any other time he wouldn't have worried about it, but they were definitely in new territory now and until they were used to it, he was going to worry about things like that. "You'd think it was your first time or something." Nevermind that he was definitely getting aroused again himself.

"You'd think *what* was my first time," Matt breathed, sucking Chris's earlobe into his mouth and tonguing it eagerly. "Having sex that's so amazing that I'm hard again, as soon as physically possible? It is. Thanks to you."

"Flattery will get you everywhere," laughed Chris, and suddenly he realized he was feeling light inside. Lighter than he'd felt in a long time. In the morning life would intrude again and he knew it would fade some, but with Matt there he didn't think he'd ever quite lose it again. "So what are we going to try this time?"

ncjmarlowe: ahh, ok. well, there are a couple of things I'd like to see in this yet but let's table it for now and save it for a fun day jawababes: in this one? like what? ncjmarlowe: well. more sex. and the morning after when they have to face Joey again. little things like that. jawababes: lol, ok