Joey drained the drink in one swallow, his throat opening easily for the liquid, so easily he hardly felt the burn. "I don't want to talk about it," he said flatly as he set the glass back down on the table and shoved it away. "It's over. There's nothing we can do about it now."

"Only parts of it are over," Justin disagreed, his voice gentle in a way Joey hadn't remembered hearing it since he'd been single again. "Probably not even as many as you think. You should talk to *someone*, though -- even if it isn't me." And damn him, he could still kill everyone in a room with that pout.

"I don't need to be reminded that this ... this nightmare is going to stay with me forever," he said through gritted teeth as he reached for the bottle to pour himself another drink. "I think I'm handling it just find without talking. It's not like anyone is gonna say anything but "I told you so" anyway."

Justin blinked at the bottle, but didn't reach to take it away. "*I* didn't say that," he reminded him, making it about him again, even if it was completely unintentional by now. "Who's gonna say that? Jace won't say it. Chris might, but he's a prick. Lance might, but that's just Lance. And if you're still this upset, then you're *not* handling it."

"Justin," said Joey with a sigh, sucking his finger off when he spilled a few drops on it. "You don't have any idea what this is like. Life isn't like what you read in your books, you can't fix everything by talking about it. It just takes a little more time, a little more numbing of the brain. Maybe a few good friends to go slash her tires."

"I know what life is like," Justin said, obviously stung, pulling back and crossing his arms over his chest. "The books, that's not what I ... it's not. Look, you don't have to be mean to me 'cause you hate her. I'll go call JC for that; he lets you do whatever you want to him, anyway."

"I'm not being mean, I'm being honest," said Joey, sighing heavily as he picked up his drink. Just a few more and he'd be able to smile again and pretend it had never happened. "Maybe if I did that more often, it wouldn't come as such a shock. Just ... leave JC out of it Justin. You don't gotta go do that just because I hit you where it hurts."

"Like you'd know where it hurts," Justin muttered, before sticking his chin out. "And anyway, the thing with JC ... *I'm* just being honest. Maybe someone should start doing that to *you*."

Joey flinched, and tried to cover it by taking a long sip of his drink. "Don't you think I've had *enought* "honesty" thrown in my face for one week?" he reminded him finally. Quietly.

"Sorry, sorry," Justin mumbled, looking down, then tentatively grabbing the bottle and standing up to go put it back on the bar shelf. "I'm sorry. No wonder Chris always makes me go last for cheer-up patrol."

"I wasn't finished with that," said Joey, watching Justin put the bottle away but not getting up to follow it. He just couldn't summon the energy to do it right then. "In fact, I was just getting started."

"Finish the one you have," Justin said, sounding very paternalistic. "And then I'll make you one of my favorites. Which, really, is so good I should go *first* on cheer-up patrol."

"Really, you guys need to drop the cheer-up patrol thing," he said, draining the drink quickly again and wiping his mouth on the back of hi s hand. He tried to ignore the look on Justin's face at how easily it went down; that was nothing he wanted to deal with either. "You can't change what she said."

"I know, we're not trying to." And Justin was already being more patient that Joey would have thought to give him credit for. "We're just trying to change how you feel about it, maybe. We love you, Joey. And we're here. And we want you to talk about it, even thugh you think it's pointless." The little shit even came over and wrapped those long monkey arms around his shoulders.

Joey closed his eyes for a moment, felt his head spin as he tried to put together how he wanted to handle this, handle Justin. "I don't need to talk about what you all overheard," he said finally. "And don't tell me you didn't. Chris told me the whole conversation was crystal clear in the next room. Even recited bits of it back at me. *That* was a real perk, let me tell you." He shook his head and wished his drink wasn't empty.

"He just didn't want you to be embarrassed," Justin insisted, still wrapped around him like a limpet. Was he going to crawl in his lap, next? "Dude, Kelly sucks. We know this. You were just the last person to admit it."

"Don't," snapped Joey immediately. "No "I told you so's". Just don't, Justin. I don't need to hear that." He was already hearing it over and over in his head after all. He didn't need to add any more voices to that chorus. "How is it less embarassing, to know that you all heard every word of that? Every word that she said to me."

Justin flinched, but didn't move. "That wasn't an 'I told you so,' I promise," he murmured. "And I think ... I mean, I think it was just that if you knew we heard, you didn't have to worry about how to tell us. How much to tell us. He was trying to keep you from having to say it out loud, is all. It was ... he was being nice, in his Chris-way."

"Right," muttered Joey, picking up his glass and licking the rim of it, then pushing his tongue into it as far as it could go to taste those last drops of alcohol. "So now you all know what I really am in vivid detail. Just what I always wanted."

"Oh, Joey," Justin just sighed, holding him for a minute. "What part did you think we didn't know? Or ... or guess, at least? and even if maybe not me, or Lance ... Jace would know. And Chris. They're smart and observant and shit."

"So you all already knew what I lousy shit I am," said Joey, nodding his head and putting the glass down again, forcing himself not to pick it right back up. "You all already figured that out for yourselves. And that's supposed to make me feel *better*, is it?"

"You're not a lousy shit," Justin said, just firmly enough that Joey believed he meant it. "Just because you wouldn't marry her? She didn't *deserve* you. That doesn't make *you* bad."

"You heard ... what she said." said Joey, gritting his teeth and closing his eyes again and forcing back the memory. "And I don't even ... I don't care what she says about me. I don't care if she calls me fat or stupid or lousy in bed or anything. She might be right. But I am *not* a lousy father, Justin. I'm not."

"*Joey*," Justin insisted, "nobody thinks that. *Nobody* thinks that. Nobody could spend two minutes with you and think that. And even if we weren't on your side no matter what, we'd know she was just saying anything she could, to hurt you. And it worked, obviously. Why do you want to believe the bad stuff, so bad?"

"Justin, don't," he said again, even though he wasn't sure what he was asking Justin not to do, exactly. Not to make him feel like that, he guessed, all twisted up inside. All confused. "She's ... we've been together forever. She knows me. She's always known me."

Justin just nodded; Joey could feel his head move. "She has," he agreed. "But better than me, Joey? better than Lance? not better than Chris, or JC ... not *half* as well as them, Joey. You've spent, like, five hundred percent more time with us. And made it though tough shit, too."

But they hadn't been his lovers, none of them, and somehow, that made all the difference. "She knows me." he said again, weakly, and wished he had the words to say how he felt about it. She couldn't have hurt him that badly if she hadn't known him, after all. She wouldn't have known the right things to say. "You can't say she had it all wrong," he added finally. "You can't say she just pulled that shit out of a hat."

"Well, no," Justin admitted, and Joey realized that Justin hadn't been telling him what he wanted to hear, not since he got there. "No. There's stuff ... stuff I can't argue with, and stuff I don't know about. You weren't faithful, Joe, that's true. But ... I mean, if you loved her? if she was right for you? you wouldn't have cheated. I really believe that, about you."

"I wasn't the only one who cheated," muttered Joey, but he had to own up to that one, for sure. He hadn't been faithful, not for more than a couple months at a time. He hadn't even made a real secret of it. "I loved her ... " he tried, but it wasn't entirely true. "I loved her enough to make Bree, anyway. She didn't have to ... " He wanted to tell Justin how awful it had been, to hear her say those things to him like that, but the words didn't come.

"To what?" Justin prompted, though, his cheek warm and heavy on the top of Joey's scalp. "You need to tell one of us what's got you so upset, about it. We don't know. It's driving C insane, and Chris next."

"To say all that," he finished quietly after an awkward moment of silence. "I got the picture, I wasn't putting up a fight, she didn't have to ... " He sighed again. "Justin, could you please just bring that bottle back? We'll all be happier if you do."

"Oh, the daddy stuff?" Justin was nodding again, Joey could tell, but he also wasn't *moving*. "Joey, how many times we gotta say? you're the best daddy. Ever."

"All of it," he whispered. "Justin. Please? I just wanna drink myself stupid right now. Forget I ever let that witch into my life." Except he couldn't. And their daughter bound them together forever now, no matter how much they hated one another.

"No, that's Lance's job, in the cheer-up patrol," Justin argued. "You got to do that yesterday. Just be glad I'm not making you go get exercise, with me." He moved closer, practically on Joey's lap. "You already drank a lot, Joey, even if it still hurts."

"It doesn't ever stop," he admitted without really meaning to, proof that he *had* already drank a lot, even it he didn't think he was feeling it. "It doesn't ever stop fucking hurting. I wonder ... how long it'll be this time. Before we're back together."

Justin coughed a little, and when Joey glanced up, he was just looking back at him with wide eyes. "Um, about that," he said. "We might have. Changed your locks. and. One of us, he might have had his own conversation with Kelly. So."

Joey just stared back uncomprehendingly for a moment. "You ... what?" he said slowly. But Justin's expression didn't change. He was serious. "Oh Justin ... please tell me you're kidding. I may hate her right now, but ... she's all I've got. You know I'll go back. She'll come back. We always do."

"Not this time," Justin was shaking his head. "No way, no day. We haven't heard it, before; this time, we did, and you're just not. Consider it an ... intervention, or something. She doesn't get you back." He did climb up off his lap, though, and head for the bar.

"Justin," Joey said again, the full impact of that not even hitting him yet. "Justin ... but no. You can't do that. I have to ... we always get back together. She always takes me back. And I ... I don't want to be alone, okay? I don't want to be alone forever."

"Joey!" Justin exclaimed, turning around and facing him, a bottle in each hand. "Why would you even think, in a million years, that you would be? You can have anyone you want. You haven't even tried. You cheated, but always with her in mind. You haven't given anyone else a chance. You'd never be alone."

"She was the only one ... " Joey mumbled, almost hoping Justin *wouldn't* hear. "She was the only one who would always takeme back, no matter what. She accepted me for what I am. Everyone else ... they didn't know me. They just wanted the fame, or whatever. If they did, they wouldn't take me back, like she does." Justin already knew that, though. Justin had heard her should it out at him, just a few days ago.

"Oh, *please*," Justin ground out. "Please. We all thought you were done listening to her head-game shit, Joe. Are you seriously telling me you're not? You *believe* that? Man, she *wins*, if you believe it. She *wants* you to believe it."

Joey was back to staring at him again, wondering where the hell Justin was trying to go with that. "What are you *talking* about?" he asked. "It's not ... it's not a game. It's true. She *does* always take me back, no matter what I've done. No one else will ever know me the way she does. No one else wants me for anything other than what I can give them."

"*She* always takes you back, for what you can give her," Justin snorted, putting the bottles back where they came from and reapproaching Joey, empty-handed. "Are you saying that ... that JC, and Chris and Lance, they'll never have anyone either?" He knelt on the floor at Joey's feet. "Or me?"

Joey frowned, glancing first toward the bottles that had somehow never made it to the tables, then at Justin's earnest face. "Of course you guys will.," he said slowly, still puzzling through what Justin was trying to get it. "Even Chris. Even Lance."

"Why us and not you?" Justin concluded, like it was that simple.

"Justin," he said patiently. "She knew me before all of this happened. Before the group and the money and the fame. And she liked me then. Yeah, okay, we hate each other's guts sometimes. And she knows how to hit me where it'll do the most damage. But she *knows* me. She's always been there."

"Okay, I get all that," Justin said, still unfuriatingly -- and surprisingly -- patient. "But none of us have anyone like that, anyone we're still attached to, from before. And you still think we won't be alone. Why do you have to depend on her?"

Joey ran a shaky hand through his hair. "I'm not a great person, Justin," he said finally. "No, don't argue, it's the truth, i'm not. And most of the time, she accepts that. So what happened to my drink, anyway?"

Justin watched him, then lowered his eyes and stood back up, smoothly. "I'll get it," he said. "I'm sorry." He held his back straight as he went back to the bar, and Joey bet he'd never gotten criticized for his posture once in his life.

"Thank you," said Joey, not sure what else to say as he slumped down over the table and tried to push thoughts of the fight away. It had been nasty, nastier than any they'd had before, which was saying a lot. And they'd both said things but he was sure -- *sure* -- that he hadn't said anything that had come even close to the things she'd said about him. "You should make yourself one, too."

"I'm not drinking, still," Justin shrugged, still facing away. "Cause of Chris. But thanks." He came back with a drink that was mixed with something -- not the straight liquor Joey had been drinking -- but it was still nice of him.

"You're not?" Joey said, though, as he wrapped his hand around it. "Still? I thought ... but why? No one's making you, right?"

Justin gave him an easy smile, and Joey remembered that nobody made Justin do anything. Not anymore. "He decided to stop for a while, so I stopped, with him. Just ... to be a friend. Make it easier, maybe. That's all."

"You're not going to make me feel guilty about this," he said, like what Justin and Chris were doing was somehow about him. To prove that, he took a long sip of the drink. It was a lot weaker than what he'd been having, but tasted better to make up for it. Is he stopping for good or something?"

"I don't know," Justin shrugged. "And what makes you think it has anything to do with you, Joey? You're allowed to do whatever you want, and so'she."

"Right. Good," he said, and stubbornly took another sip. "Thank god, too. I'd miss this too much if I had to stop." He just wished it worked faster, because the thoughts weren't leaving his head. The memories lingered. Her words still echoed over and over again.

Justin nodded again, and knelt back down at Joey's feet once more. Rested his chin on Joey's knee. "She's really not good for you," he said slowly. "Please don't undo everything we've done for you."

Justin looked so perfectly sincere and innocent that it tugged at Joey's heart. "Justin," he breathed, struggling for words again. "I really ... I don't want to be alone. I might even be scared of being alone. At least, with her, I'm not."

"But, so," Justin frowned, so obviously working that over in his mind. "But you don't have to be. There's all the girls you meet, and you know you have ... well. You know who you could have, if you'd ever consider it. There are *nice* people, Joey, who won't shit all over your heart like that."

"No, I *don't* know anyone else I could have," he argued, turning back to the drink. "When's the last time I ever met anyone who was interested in *me*. I just ... I don't *want* to have to be with her, Justin, but I don't know what else to do."

"What about JC?" Justin said, evenly, like it was no big deal that he was saying out loud something all of them knew and just would never say. "You know you could have him, and you're a fucking liar if you say you don't, Joey."

Joey closed his eyes again. Part of him had been expecting that, but a bigger part of him hadn't thought anyone would ever say it to his face. Least of all Justin. "I could never be what JC wanted," he said, the same thing he always told himself. "I could never be the person he thinks I am. Or hopes I am."

"Fine," Justin sighed, sounding resigned, and when Joey opened his eyes he saw that Justin's were closed tightly. "I guess that's why he's loved you better than her, for longer than her. Right? God, Joe."

"Justin," he whispered in surprise. Suddenly, out loud, there was another thing that none of them ever talked about. "That's different. That's ... he's a guy, Justin. And he's in the group. And ... " And Joey didn't have the first clue how to be with him the way JC wanted. *That* was his big stupid excuse for never doing it. He didn't know how.

"I know," Justin mumbled, turning his cheek to Joey's knee. "I know. I'd just hoped ... I don't know. You are what you are and that's it. I know." Joey would have thought he *did* know. Justin was the one other guy in the group Joey was sure was straight.

"Yeah," agreed Joey, finishing the last of his drink. "I am what I am. And he is what he is. And ... " It would be so nice, though, to have someone love him the way JC did. To have him be able to express that love in all kinds of ways that they never had. He wasn't even sure he deserved it, though. "Um. Has he talked about it? Lately? At all?"

Justin looked back up at him. "Who do you think talked to Kelly?"

Joey paled a little bit -- he *hadn't* considered that. At all. "He did?" he got out finally, suddenly feeling very, very sober. "Did he ... what did he say to her? What did she say to him?"

"He didn't tell us all of it," Justin said, almost whispering now, and sounding very tired. "I mean, I assume he didn't. He just. Said he told her to leave you alone. And that she'd done enough and that if he got a hint of her threatening your custody stuff that she'd better remember that he was way richer and could make it so that SHE never saw Bri. Um." Justin swallowed. "He was a little mad. Like, Lou-mad."

"Wow," said Joey, unsure of what to say to that. Unsure of how to *feel* about that. He didn't think that Justin was telling him to make him feel obligated to somehow be with JC, but he felt a twinge of that anyway. And a lot of other twinges of a lot of other things, too. "I didn't ... I had noidea. She's really not coming back this time, is she?"

Justin shrugged again. "I think," he said slowly, "if you really wanted her back, that JC would back off. That we all would. "But I know I would take a lot of convincing, and if *I* would, then I don't know what it would take for C."

Joey was scared, scared to death of all this change, but he didn't know how to say that. He couldn't just smile and make everyone understand, not this time. "I don't want to convince you," he admitted finally. "I don't want to have to convince him. I want to be able to convince *me*. That there's something else out there for me, that's real."

Justin nodded, and seemed content to sit there, and just be there for Joey for the moment. "So, but. Not JC? I mean. You're pretty sure not, huh?"

"I don't ... " began Joey, but that wasn't the right way to start it, not at all. "I love JC. You know I love JC. I'll always love JC. I just don't know ... that's a really different thing, being together like that. And I've never. And he *has*. And ... it's all a little scary inside my head. Do you want ... ? Do all of you want that, for us?"

"I'm ... I can't answer that," Justin said, ducking his chin. "I mean. Of course not, if you're ... you know. Not into it. And of course not, if it doesn't work out. And ... you know, we really haven't talked about it. It's like the great ... unspoken thing. Or whatever."

"Which is stupid," said Joey, even though he knew why it had been so unspoken. Because he'd been with Kelly and he hadn't been with any guys and ... that was that. "Can you even imagine it? Me being with him?" 'Me being happy' he added in the privacy of his own head. Because he knew, had always known, that JC would do everything he could to make that happen. Joey just didn't know if he'd be able to accept it, and do anything about it.

"Can *you* imagine it?" Justin asked. "That's the important thing, right?" He wrapped a hand behind Joey's calf. "Not what we think."

Joey could ... to a point. He and JC were very physically affectionate, but he had no idea what would happen between them when it got beyond that. What he could imagine, a little, was how it would feel to be with someone who was supportive of him, instead of ripping him down all the time.

"JC's a *guy*," he blurted out again, like that was the most important thing. And in a way it was -- it was the only thing that had ever really been in the way of him jumping right in. "I can't ... " But he could, if he wanted to. "I don't know how."

Justin nodded again, and looked down, and Joey couldn't quite tell if he caught a blush on his cheeks. "Do you think he won't, um. Turn you on, or something? Like .. you could love him, but not the sex stuff?"

"I don't know," said Joey honestly. There had been moments, when they'd been being physical and playfully and he was feeling really close to him, that JC *had* turned him on, at least a little. But he didn't know what to make of that, didn't know if that could be a regular thing. And he'd never really let himself look that way to find out. "I think ... maybe. I could. I don't know, Justin." His head hurt and he really, really needed another drink to deal with this.

"Okay." Justin nodded vigorously again. "Well, I mean. How seriously are you thinking about this? because, like, I could tell you stuff, if you are, except if you're just being a patronizing fucker then I won't."

"Justin," he said, trying not to let it come out as a growl. "I'm not ... you don't think this is fucking hard for me, to say as much as I have? In the middle of ... everything, especially?" In the middle of nursing his bruised pride, and trying to get his heart in shape again after having her stomp on it. "I'm not being a fucker. I'm being honest. I'm trying to figure this whole thing out."

"I didn't mean it mean," he replied, in a small voice. "I just. Know you, and know that sometimes your way of making yourself feel better is to make OTHER people feel better. So I was just making sure you weren't saying it 'cause it's what you thought I wanted to hear."

"Well, now you know," said Joey, lowering his own voice. "Now you know what's going on with me. I don't even ... at the risk of sounding pretty pathetic here, JC could do better than me anyway, Justin. Even if I did want him back. Which ... I might."

"Well, that's his decision," Justin said confidently. "I mean. Not the part about you wanting him back, but whether he could do better than you. You know?" He leaned back over and put his cheek a little higher on Joey's leg. "He's wanted you a long time."

"I know," said Joey softly, finally admitting it plainly. He'd always known, and sometimes he tried to ignore it and sometimes he tried to channel it into something platonic, but it was always there. Lurking just below the surface of their friendship. "I don't even know why, but I know."

"Me either," Justin said, blinking and blushing when Joey chuckled and he realized what he said. "I just mean. I don't know why, so long, and so. like. almost helplessly. Like, I don't know, I don't know why he ever thought you'd like him back, you know? besides how y'all flirt all the time."

"We don't flirt," said Joey, but he smiled like he always did when he said that. Because he *knew* they flirted, all the time, in a perfectly innocent way. It was fun and it kept him as close to JC as he could be without taking that final step. That step he seemed to be right on the brink of now. "Maybe ... maybe JC knows me better than I know myself." Better that, than thinking JC didn't know him at all.

"C knows shit you never think he knows," Justin nodded, agreeing. "Well, um. So. Have you ever ... had thoughts, about anyone else like that? or do you think JC might would be an exception."

"If ... " Joey began, then bit his lip and dug his fingernails into his leg and thought about it. "JC would be an exception. If. He would definitely be an exception. Because ... man, I love girls. I love how they look and how they feel and how they smell. But JC ... " He sighed and looked away. "Yeah. Exception."

"I think," Justin said slowly, "I think it's just a lot of getting over that first mental block, or whatever. Like, we make too much out of it. Have you heard Chris's theory? That everyone's really bisexual, it's just how you've been raised or acclimated or whatever that determines whether you'll act on it?"

"Chris has a lot of damn theories," muttered Joey, still chewing on his lip between sentences. He thought it might start bleeding soon if he wasn't careful. "A theory for every occasion. Trust me, when it was his turn with me, I heard plenty. Not that one, though. You're the first one to bring up the JC thing." Which of course he was. The first one *ever*, just about.

Justin just nodded at that; unsurprised. "I know. I never really got why we don't talk about it. I guess we just were waiting for either of you to say something. Well, I mean, JC's said stuff, but maybe only to me. Say something to all of us."

"What was to say?" asked Joey, giving in to the urge to snatch up his glass again, rattle around the meagre remains of an ice cube. "There was nothing to talk about it. It just was. And I had Kelly and he had boyfriends and girlfriends and ... it just existed. We all knew. What else was there to say, really?"

"Nothing, I guess," Justin shrugged. "Why were you so surprised I actually finally said it out loud, then? now that there isn't Kelly?"

"There's always been Kelly," he said, tasting blood. "I thought there was going to be Kelly again. Except this time you guys ... and she's ... and there won't be. And that's a little hard to deal with, even if I think she's a greedy self-centered bitch. So putting JC out there in the middle of that ... it's confusing, Justin. It's really fucking confusing."

"I'm sorry," Justin said, sitting back up and looking chastised. "I'm sorry, I ... you're right. We should kind of worry about gettting you over her, huh? It's just that ... no. No. Kelly first."

"Well," said Joey, actually looking up at him and giving him a tiny, rueful smile. "You actually got me talking. That's better than anyone else did. But if you want to keep it going you're probably gonna want to get me another drink."

"In a minute," Justin said lightly. "Don't you want to ask me how I got over Britney, maybe? or. I mean, are you still thinking that was all fake, anyway."

"If you and Britney had a kid, maybe it would be a bit more relevant," he snapped out, rattling the empty glass again. "Besides, it *was* pretty fake, Justin. You have to admit that much."

"It wasn't," Justin said, serious but quiet. "But ... well. Okay. You let me know if you want to hear it sometime." Then he just put his cheek back on Joey's knee, and wrapped his arms around his calves, and sat there silently. Joey watched his back rise and fall as he breathed.

"I don't know what you guys are expecting of me," Joey said finally. "Do you even have any grasp of how long me and Kelly have had our ... thing? Whatever it is you want to call it, since you obviously don't think much of it. It's just ... that was ... my whole *life*, Justin." His whole ego, and way more of his self-esteem than she ever, ever deserved to have control over.

"I don't think much of *her*, not much of *it*," Justin mumbled into his pants. "You were real good to her. Except for, you know, the whole cheating thing. But other than that ... dude, we're expecting nothing. Just waiting. Maybe for you to tell us what you expect from *us*, that we're not doing."

"Nothing," said Joey. "Just ... nothing. You know how I get, when we're on downtime, Justin. I mostly hate her, but then I miss her, and now with Brianna ... " He bit his lip again to keep from tearing up. He would *not*. It hurt. "God it's such a huge fucking mess, isn't it? And me ... I'm not kidding, Justin. I don't know how to be alone."

"You're not," Justin sighed, only barely keeping the exasperation out of his voice. "Joey. You've got Bri and us and your family. And, like, romantically? I don't know. Maybe this is the best chance you'll have to, like. Attempt something."

"JC, you mean," said Joey. His mind hadn't strayed very far from there anyway, even if he hadn't been talking about it. "He's ... I don't know how to do that, either. I really don't. And don't sigh at me or roll your eyes at me or do any of that shit, Justin. You wanted to know the truth, wanted to know what's going on, and you're getting it. Like it or not. I'm stupid about shit like that. You all know it, too."

Justin waited a minute to respond, and Joey wondered if he was just trying to make his tone patient enough. "It's not very easy," he finally said. "Is it? Trying to wrap your head around being with a guy when you're not convinced you're not totally straight. Especially a guy who you'd ... I don't know, totally die without having in your life."

Joey was quiet for a minute. It was true. He would die without JC in his life, in some way anyway. He really believed he would. "Well, I guess I can admit you know something about that," he said finally. "And .. he's JC. You know?" LIke that excused anything he might be feeling.

Justin didn't lift his head, but Joey wondered if he wasn't smiling, anyway. "He's JC," he agreed. "And what part do you think I'd know about, exactly?"

"The part about convincing yourself you're not totally straight," he mumbled, avoiding Justin's eyes. "Even if you didn't end with one. It's the same thing, right? The whole, figuring out what the hell to do about it."

"Oh." Justin was very still, at Joey's feet. "Yeah. Figuring out what to do, that was ... Joey? what are you talking about? I didn't ... you knew? about Chris?"

"I wasn't supposed to?" he said quietly, growing a little stiller himself. "I thought ... I mean, we all ... I didn't know it was supposed to be a secret. I'm sorry. But so ... you know, a little. What it's like when I think about JC. And don't know what I'm supposed to do about it."

"No, no," Justin looked up, finally. "No, it's okay that you knew. I just didn't think you did, especially when I was all trying to tell you I know what it was like and you were all, 'oh, it's not the same thing.' No. It's fine, you know, that you knew. Know. Whatever." He grinned a little, so self-consciously. "Although, it really isn't the same thing. Chris and Jace, man, they're totally different, too."

"It's a completely different situation," said Joey. The ice was finally melted in his glass. He swished the little bit of water around in the bottom, then downed it and licked his lips. "I'm just talking, on a gut level, you know ... what it's like, when you're really sure you're one thing but it turns out you might be able to bend."

"No, yes, I know," Justin nodded. "Like, *really* sure. I know. So ... did you want to hear about it? or. are you just still processing, and stuff."

"No, I want to hear about it," he said after a moment. Hearing beat talking hands down, at the moment. He could still fumble around inside his head for an answer to the situation while Justin was talking. "Tell me how it was."

"Well," Justin started, pulling his knees up to his chest. "Like, I might say that Chris didn't really give me a choice. Which isn't right, and I know you know, but. He saw the way I flirted with him, let him flirt with me, and just ... he knew what it meant. Better than I did myself, I guess. And he was a little pushy and JC will never never be like that with you, but. Chris did it the way that worked, with me. You know?"

"Yeah, I know," said Joey. "I can imagine how it happened. Chris and his damn theories. But how did *you* deal with it? With the whole ... 'hey, I could do this. My dick seems to think this is a good idea. Not to mention other bits. And where the hell did *that* come from?' You know?"

"I got drunk," Justin admitted, shrugging. "Or he got me drunk. And took me dancing and wore those jeans he never wears and those things -- mostly the drunk thing -- got me through the first time. The first kiss, I mean; we didn't fuck or anything. And ... he even let me pretend not to remember, the next day. Until I got drunk again and confessed."

"So what you're saying, then, is that you should pour me another drink," said Joey. "I'm all for that." He pushed his glass toward the edge of the table, so if Justin got up he could just grab it. "So why did it end, then? You realized that you weren't really into guys after all, it was just a passing thing?"

Justin looked down. "End?" he echoed. "It's ... I mean, not that it *is*, or anything, but... I don't know." It was obvious that he wasn't going to say, or admit, that he and Chris weren't, anymore. "It wasn't a passing thing. It might have been -- it might BE -- just a Chris thing, but. JC'll understand, I think, if you can't, Joe."

"But will he understand if I try, and *then* realize that I can't?" he mused, tapping the glass on the table. "He's ... god, Justin. I'm really messed up about all this right now. The whole ... her, and then him, and all about me, and ... what if I completely fuck it up?"

"Then JC'll forgive you," Justin replied simply. "He will, because it's him and it's you and if he loves you like this without ever thinking he has a chance, why would he stop when he knows he doesn't? I really think he'd just ... this sounds so shitty, but I think he'd appreciate the effort. Not that that should influence you, but."

"So you think we should, then," said Joey. "You can just say, you know. It's not like what you say is gonna make me feel something other than what I already do. You can say, if you think we should stop pissing around and just get together already."

"Why does it matter what I think?" Justin asked again. "I mean, I guess I *could* tell you, but it's not like that'll influence you one way or the other, like you said. Or, it shouldn't. Why do you need to hear it? I'm ... that came out wrong. I just mean, you should know I support whatever you decide, whether you go for it or not."

"Maybe I do want to hear it. Maybe I want to know what this whole thing looks like to someone who's not in the middle of it. It's like ... I have no perspective at *all* about this, Justin. About ... about that fucking bitch or about JC or about anything."

"Whoa," Justin said, sitting back up a little warily. "Okay. I think ... I think you should go for it. Yes. I think it's JC and you guys have always had this connection-y thing that's even more than me and Chris, in some ways. And he *loves* you and you obviously, obviously need someone to treat you right. Obviously."

"And you guys will be there to kick my butt if I hurt him, right?" said Joey. Part of him knew he was groping for reasons to keep feeling bad about himself, but another part admitted that he felt those things, even if he never said it. "No, no pressure there ... "

"You won't," Justin said warmly, with a smile just for him. "I mean, if it makes you feel better I promise I will, but. You won't. Even if you can't, um, what's the word? consummate it? you won't hurt him."

"You mean if I can't get it up for him?" said Joey with a snort. "Well, I guess we'll find that out early on. After all this time ... I don't think he's gonna waste any time taking things there ... "

"Well, plus, and it's JC, and he's a horny bastard." Justin's grin got a little broader. "Have you ever, though? I mean. Even before Chris, I ... there were things. That turned me on, like that."

Joey shifted uncomfortably, growing more sober by the minute. This was not a conversation he wanted to be having sober. "Um. He's said things before. Talked about things with me. Described things.That kinda ... but you know, I never took it anywhere. Just. You know. Tingle. Whatever."

"Yeah?" Justin, at least, wasn't making this uncomfortable for him. He seemed honestly interested, honestly willing to help. "Like ... what kind of things? and how come? like, you think he did it to turn you on, or was it more, like, morning-after debriefing stuff that y'all share."

Joey actually found himself laughing, surprising both of them. "Debriefing, definitely debriefing," he said. "He would never ... we were never that overt. Or sometimes I'd ask. What he did. And some of it ... might have sounded a little hot, yeah. Might have turned me on a little, thinking about it."

"Yeah?" Justin was still smiling. "So, that's good, then. And he was obviously really comfortable telling you; that's cool. And ... he's *so* hot, Joe." Joey glanced up, and Justin blushed, but didn't look away. "What? he is. I'm not surprised, is all. You don't even have to tell me what he said and my mind's already all picturing it."

"So you're more than a little not-straight, huh?" mumbled Joey, moving back inside his head for a minute. It was way too clear, now. Painfully clear. Every word that she'd shouted at him still echoed back to him, but there were other things mixed in there now, too. Things JC had said to him, things Justin had said to him, things that might be, if he'd give them a chance. "Do I already sound like I'm gonna do this?"

"No," said Justin, sounding actually surprised at that. "You almsot seem like you're trying to come up with some way not to. And as for me ... dude. Pretty much mostly straight. Y'all are just my exceptions. JC'd be *anyone's* exception."

"Except he's mine," said Joey softly. And he knew that, knew that if he ever said yes, ever *proved* that yes, no one else stood a chance. It wasn't even ego, it was just something that all of them knew. "He's not very soft, really. And he's not gonna smell all pretty. It's gonna be ... different, that's for sure."

Justin nodded again, looking serious. "And the stubble thing. And the height thing. But ... you also get big hands, and. He'll know what he's doing?"

"He'll really know what he's doing," Joey had to agree, forced to think about that. Thing about JC doing those things he'd talked about, but *to* Joey. And wow, yeah, he didn't think there would be any problem with him being able to get it up when the time came. "And he'll be good to me. He won't be ... her. He won't be anything like her."

"No," Justin agreed, shaking his head and sliding closer again, between Joey's legs; hugging him affectionately. "He'll ... oh, wow, Joey. Are you thinking about it? for real? He's going to ... he's gonna be so fucking happy, man."

"I think ... I think I owe it to both of us to try," he said finally. "I owe it to him, because ... he's been so patient with me, and waited so long, and never given up. And I owe it to me because ... maybe I do deserve better than her. And he's definitely that. And maybe, if the whole guy thing works out, we could be really, really happy, you know?"

"Maybe," Justin nodded, looking very much like he had absolutely no doubt. He wouldn't let go of Joey's legs, either. "You gonna call him? want me to call him? What are you gonna tell him? it's gonna be kind of weird, huh, if you haven't actually said anything out loud, ever ... "

"I think maybe it won't be so weird," said Joey honestly, after thinking about it for a minute. "I think ... I just need to be alone with him. And I just need to be able to say. And then he'll understand. It'll be okay. It'll be good. I just need to figure out ... how. To be with a guy. And not screw it all up. Between the rest of you, maybe you'll learn me better."

Justin just kept grinning. "What do you mean? Just ... getting to see you happy? Like that?" He gave Joey's waist another squeeze.

"I mean there are, like, physical ... things. I have to figure out." And yeah, he'd probably have to figure out how to be happy for real. For permanent. And not have that lingering knowledge anymore that something would happen with her to change things. "That you guys already know. *All* already know. Which is really weird."

"Oh, I don't know." Justin looked super-embarrassed at that. "I'm not an expert or anything. I just ... you start slow, y'know? Whatever you can handle. Blowjobs and stuff."

"Oh *god*," said Joey, covering his face with one hand. Suddenly it all seemed really, really gay. He hadn't thought very much about *him* doing it, just having it done to him. "Forget being an expert, I wouldn't even know where to *start*."

Justin seemed alarmed at Joey's reaction. "Um?" he said. "Just. Y'know. Enthusiasm. That's the key." He sat back, finally, cross-legged on the floor. "JC'll help."

"I'm sure he will," said Joey, nodding his head. He could just imagine the scenario now. JC being alternately conforting, about the final breakup with Kelly, and physical, because JC was hot for him. They were hot for each other. They really were. "Okay, you gotta *help* me, Justin. I don't want to embarass myself."

"Okay, right," Justin nodded. Enthusiastically. "How, again, am I helping?" He looked perfectly willing, just as confused as Joey'd felt, an hour ago.

"Um. About ... how. A little," he said, hoping he wasn't bungling the whole thing. "Like how to ... you know. Not *everything*, just ... what to expect. Because I've never. You know I've never."

"Oh, like, you want to?" He got up onto his knees. Joey just stared at him as he shuffled closer. "If you think it'll help ... "

"I just need you to tell me what to expect," he said nervously. He never dreamed he would be in quite this position, wanting what he wanted or asking *Justin*, of all people, to help him be ready for it. "So when it happens with JC, I won't freak out."

Justin paused. "Tell you?" he said. "Okay. Well, um, which part will freak you out, do you think? I'm sorry, I know you think I'm being dumb, or something, but it can't be the same for everyone. The weirdness. So ... is it how he'll feel, or how he'll sound? or ... what."

"It's *all* weird," insisted Joey. "I mean, I *have* a dick. And it's lots of fun, for sure. But I don't know what to do with someone else's. At least I've seen you all naked already. That helps."

"They're kind of fun; other people's," Justin said shyly. "Or, well, Chris's was. Like. All responsive. It's weird. You touch it and it'll jump. And how cool is it to get to see that kind of reaction and know you made it? Well. I mean, it will be cool, when you get there."

"I'm not sure I want to make it *jump*," said Joey, but the mental image made him smile. "JC's is really nice. I mean ... I've just looked, a little. But I think it is. It looks nice. I don't know anything else about it."

"And it'll be all soft," Justin went on, and Joey hid a chuckle at how fucking dreamy he looked at the moment. "like. I mean, I know you know what your own feels like, but it's different, when it's someone else's. The softest skin ever. And, you know, you can still get your hands around his hips and all. That's like a girl."

"Um," he said slowly, watching the expression on Justin's face. "Have you ever? With JC? I mean ... I'd understand. He's not my property or anything. You could say ... "

"No!" Justin blurted, looking actually frightened. Or nervous, at the least. "No, no no. None of us, would ever. Not with C. He's, like ... no. I mean. I know you say he's not your property but, it's like, how can you be with someone and know you're not the person they kind of wish you were? *I* couldn't, I know."

"I just thought ... maybe just not to be alone," he murmured. "Because he was alone a lot, when I didn't feel like I could be with him. I dunno. Maybe I *couldn't*, back then, but ... things are different now, Things changed."

"He was alone, but not really," Justin said, confident in that at least. "And things *are* different. It's so cool, thinking about it ... how will you tell him? will you just call him up and be like: 'here I am, you big stud! take me to bed or lose me forever'?"

Joey cracked a smile again. "I think thinking of a little more subtle approach than that," he admitted. "Maybe just going over to his place. I know he's home. And just ... I should just tell him. I should just say, you know, I think maybe I can feel that stuff back for you. And let things go from there."

"What do you think he'll say?" Justin was already like a little kid, waiting to hear what was going to happen in the next chapter of his bedtime story. "You've known him forever; you think he'll laugh or cry or what?"

"I have *no* idea," said Joey, though if he was being honest with himself, he kinda did. "Actually, I think ... I think he'll probably kiss me, then. LIke, until he kisses me, and I kiss him back, it won't be real."

"He'll kiss you," Justin agreed, back to grinning again. "He totally will. He'll get all misty-eyed and, like, speechless, and just cling to you and stuff. And kiss you. He *loves* you, Joe. Doesn't it feel awesome to have someone that cares about you all unconditional like that?"

It did. It really did, when Joey let it. He'd spent so much time blocking it out, focusing on the relationship he did have, fucked up as it was, that when he let the full force of it hit him it was almost overwhelming.

"And then I *am* gonna kiss him back because he's JC and I won't be able to help myself once we start. Because I love him that much."

If Justin had been a teeny girl, Joey knew he would be squealing and clapping his hands. As it was, he was sitting on them and biting his lip. "Good. Now see? Aren't you glad I didn't make you another drink? now you can drive right over there. I *wish* I could see his face."

"I'm still not sure I don't need another drunk," murmured Joey as the immediacy of it suddenly hit him. He was going to go over there *now*. After years of sexual tension between them, years of knowing that JC was in love with him, he was going to go over there *now*. "I'll. Um. Describe it to you. Later," was all he really said, though.

Justin nodded. "Would you ... if you really want a drink, I can drop you off, I guess," he offered hesitantly. "I mean. I think you seem pretty okay with it, and he'd be all happy if you did it mostly sober, but I can't talk, so."

"Yeah, Mr. I-had-to-let-Chris-get-me-drunk," teased Joey a little, feeling nervous all over again. "No, I can ... I can get there myself. Unless you think I'm gonna chicken out."

Grinning again, Justin shook his head. "If you do, it'll be 'cause you're not quite ready. I know you're gonna do this, now. Even if it's not today, it'll be soon." He got to his feet and held his hand out for Joey. "See? see how good I am, at the cheering-up patrol?"

Joey let Justin help him up, then pulled him into a hug. "You definitely win the cheering up prize," he assured him. Even though cheering wasn't what he'd done as much as finally convinced Joey to get on with his life. To do what maybe he'd always known he'd do eventually. "We'll talk again, you and me."

* * *

He *was* home, just like Joey'd known he'd be. He could see lights and hear music and, when he let himself in the door, smell food. Something chocolate-y that made Joey scrunch up his nose and track into the kitchen.

"Hey," he called out ahead of himself, remembering the time JC had whacked him over the head with a slotted spoon before realizing who he was. It wasn't that it hurt, but the sauce took forever to get out of his hair. Not an incident he cared to repeat. "Hey ... JC? It's me."

"Joey?" He had to grin at the pleased note in JC's voice, and then the big grin that was on his face when he stuck his head out into the hall and saw him. "Hey! What's up, man? Thought you and J were hanging out tonight. I was baking brownies to bring over for you."

"We were," said Joey, pausing a moment but convincing himself not to get cold feet *now*. "I got drunk, we talked, I sobered up, I came over here. With his. um. Blessing, I guess. We both figured I needed to be here with you more thanthere with him." He sniffed the air again and smiled. "Brownies? You're so damn sweet."

JC rolled his eyes, but grinned even bigger. "Well. Whatever. Break-up food, you know? Since you're weird and won't eat ice cream in the summertime. C'mon." He backed into the kitchen, obviously expecting Joey to follow. "You can even lick the spoons; I haven't rinsed them yet."

Joey followed him automatically, letting himself be swept along in whatever direction JC was leading him. But ... "No, no wait, JC," he said, pausing in the doorway. "JC, I ... there's some stuff ... and I was talking to Justin and he made me see ... or didn't *make* me, but helped me ... and, and there's no Kelly now, not at all ... which I guess you know, that was stupid, sorry ... so yeah, so I need to ... dammit. This shouldn't be this hard."

Pausing in the middle of handing Joey one of the spoons, JC blinked at him. "What. Are you ... did Justin tell you about me and Kelly? You're *pissed* at me about it? I just ... Joey, I'm sorry, but I couldn't let her do that shit anymore. It was really hurting you and it was *enough*, already. And ... and if you hate me, I guess you have every right to, but I was doing it for you and I'd do it again."

"That's not ... " began Joey, still struggling with it so much. Hearing JC say that just firmed his resolve to do this. Showed him even more how much he wanted it. "Thank you, JC. I'm really fucked up about it, but thank you. But that's not even ... I mean ... okay. You and me, JC. There was always this ... maybe, between us. You know? You understand? And I just ... now ... I can see like I never saw before ... and I think maybe yes. Yes. Please?"

JC dropped the spoon, then stared at it before dropping to his knees to pick it up. His other hand was covering his mouth, and Joey couldn't tell whether he was smiling or frowning or anything.

"JC?" he said, hating that his voice was shaking so much. He was trying to be confident. Do this right. He wasn't even sure if he should touch JC or what, so he just stood there and rocked back and forth slowly. "This is ... I thought about it a lot. And we talked about it for, like, *ever*. And I think ... I really want. You. Yes."

"It's not why," he heard JC say, his voice shaking more than Joey's had. "I didn't do it so you'd ... anything ... me. You don't ... owe me, Joe." He stood back up and slowly raised his eyes to Joey's. And gasped a little. "Fuck me, you're serious. *God*, Joey."

"You have to know I wouldn't do this if I wasn't serious," said Joey, happy he'd managed to get a complete sentence out. An important one. Even if he couldn't read how JC was reacting. "I want ... I want to be happy. I can be happy with you. Please?"

JC nodded slowly, then started to grin the way Joey'd *wanted* to see him grin, and nodded even more vigorously. "You don't have to ask politely," he whispered, and then held out his hands.

Joey was still shaking as he took them and pulled JC closer to him. "You hadn't said yes yet. I was still wondering if I was too late ... if I'd been stupid about it for too long and lost my chance ... "

"How did you even know?" JC murmured out loud. "I mean. I mean, I know I can't hide it so well, but ... " He shook his head, practically melted against Joey's chest. At least as easily as any girl ever had. "You're not stupid."

"I always knew," murmured Joey, just wrapping his arms around him and holding him close, in case he started to slip away. "That's what was so stupid. I always knew, but ... you were a guy and I didn't know if I could ... I mean, it was just easier not to ... but that *was* stupid. And I do want you. And I'm not too late."

"No," JC promised him, his voice right against Joey's collarbone. "Not too late, this is perfect, and ... so slow, we can do this *so* slow, Joe. God. it's like I can't even look at you."

"I don't know what I'm doing," murmured Joey, not shaking at all now that JC was in his arms. "I really don't. I just ... went with my gut. And I"m here. And we're *us*. And you have to help me now. Teach me how to do this. And. um. make me brownies, too."

"Okay," JC giggled, his face still buried. "Okay. I'm gonna ... I have to let go. And put the brownies in. But no making fun of me, okay, when you look at me. You *swear*, Joe."

"Why would I make fun of you?" asked Joey, just starting to loosen his hold. "I just ... I just came here and bared everything to you, JC. I would *never*, not ever, make fun of you ... "

"I know, I know." But he pulled back, and Joey could see him wiping at his eyes, blinking quickly. "I know. You wouldn't. I'm just ... I was so not expecting this today. Or ever. But today."

"I know," said Joey softly, chewing on his sore lip. "Me neither. But I just ... I got to talking and really getting past the whole ... the whole evil bitch thing, and you were there. You've *always* been there. And I don't think I could ever find someone as right for me as you if I looked forever, JC. So the person I'm supposed to be with turns out to be a guy ... I guess I'll learn to deal with that." And he gave JC a tentative smile.

"Wow," JC breathed, his mouth open a little. "Like, you're *serious* serious. Shit, Joey. I had ... I know I keep saying this, but I never thought it would happen. Especially without me even DOING anything."

"You did do things, though," said Joey, staring at JC's mouth, unable to help himself now that he had started thinking about him that way. "For ... for *years* you did things, for me, with me. And I just never ... but I'm seeing now. I"m *doing* something about it now. I'm here."

"You are," JC nodded, halfway a question. He stepped closer again, too, which was what Joey really wanted, if he was honest with himself. "Don't let me mess it up, then. Oh! Hold on. Seriously, I should put the brownies in."

Joey just grinned at him and nodded his head and was glad that despite this huge, huge change, things were still normal between them. JC was still JC. "I'll still be here when you're done," he promised him.

"Okay, *just* a second. Don't go anywhere." He grabbed the spoon that had fallen on the floor and dropped it in the sink, then opened the oven door and slipped the pan onto the rack. "Come here," he said, after he closed it again and leaned against the counter. "Come lick this other spoon."

Joey laughed softly, more at ease with him with every moment. This didn't have to be a big, scary, intimidating thing if he didn't let it. If he didn't think so hard about what was going to be different and concentrated on what was good and right about this. He made his way over to JC's side and smiled at him happily, licking his lips.

"I wasn't even trying to be all ... innuendo-y about it," protested JC, looking honestly embarrassed. But he held the spoon up to Joey's mouth plenty comfortably, and without coaxing.

"I didn't think you were," said Joey, his eyes going wide as he thought about how he looked. He was usually only really aware of how suggestive he was being when he was around women, not when he was around the guys. He did lick the spoon, though, and refused to get all self-conscious about it.

JC was definitely watching his mouth, though, and waited an extra second before he lowered the spoon. "Um. Good?" he asked, quietly. "They're Justin's favorite, with the peanut butter chips."

Joey licked his lips again, aware of himself doing it this time. "Very good," he assured him. "I might even let him have one. He's part of the reason I finally got up the nerve to do this, after all."

"I wouldn't have thought, him," JC said, turning to put the spoon in the sink beside the other one. "Chris, maybe. Telling you to stop pussyfooting around? but not Justin."

"He was ... Justin's a smart, sneaky little bastard," said Joey. "He didn't tell me anything ... he just made me figure it out for myself. Well, made me sober up, too. He's the first person to do *that* in a few days, too."

"I would have," JC whispered, still facing away from Joey. "When I came over. But I'm not suprised Justin did. He's been ... good, for Chris, with that. I really think."

"I had no intention of doing it for at least another week," admitted Joey. He lifted his hand and almost touched JC's shoulder, stopping just short of it and hovering there. He really, really didn't know how to do this, even though touching JC was something he did every day. "I underestimated Justin. He's really got it together."

JC moved back into Joey's hand, like he knew it was there. Maybe he did. "Justin ... " he said. "Justin has everyone else's shit together. Not necessarily his own." JC's skin was flushed through his thin shirt, Joey could feel it.

Without letting himself think about it, Joey let his hand run over JC's shoulder and cupped the back of his neck. "Well, he's certainly got my shit together, anyway. Even if he thought I was so blind I didn't know about him and Chris. Whichever way, he yanked me out of my ... whatever it was. Funk."

"That wasn't a funk," JC insisted, his chin falling to his chest, exposing even more of the back of his neck to Joey. "You had every right to be upset. Still do, even. I mean ... I hope you aren't, hope you're ... you have other things you're feeling instead ... "

Joey caressed it lightly with this thumb, just staring at what his hand was doing. "I'm still upset about it," he admitted. "I'm still ... really fucked up about it, JC, you know that. But I'm other stuff, too. I'm other stuff *more*, now."

"That feels really, really nice," JC murmured, rather than responding to what they both knew was true in what Joey had said. Joey was standing so close, even though their bodies weren't quite touching, that JC couldn't turn around to face him. Not that he looked like he wanted to.

"You doing okay?" asked Joey quietly. "I just kinda ... rushed over here, after talking to Justin, when I realized what I wanted. What I *really* wanted. I guess I kinda sprung this one you out of the blue, huh?"

JC nodded. "I'm ... yeah, I'm okay. Really good. Just, you know" - he laughed - "trying to figure out when I'm going to wake up. And how to walk that line between taking this slow like you need and just ... jumping you, the way I want."

"I'm really here," Joey murmured. Unnecessarily, he hoped. "I really do want this, JC. You just have to ... let me. Help me. Teach me all the stuff I need to know so I can make you as happy as I think you're gonna make me."

"I *totally* am," JC insisted, finally standing up straight again and twisting around. Their faces were even closer than Joey thought they'd be. "I'm going to be everything you need, Joey, everything I've always wanted for you. I get to do it."

It took two false starts before Joey managed to press his lips against JC's. There was no other way to respond to JC saying that, to show him how much it was wanted and appreciated. And so there it was, it was Joey kissing JC in the beginning, not the other way around, and that was the best start Joey could imagine.

JC's mouth was soft, and yeah, Joey could feel the scruff on his chin, and above his lip, but it didn't matter. He didn't push too hard and he wasn't too unresponsive, just turning his head the slightest bit to fit their mouths together, then resting a shaky hand high on Joey's waist.

He'd been at least half-lying when he'd said he didn't know how to do this because now that he was here, his lips against JC's, kissing him softly, he was right at home. Joey knew how to do this. He knew how to be close to JC, how to touch him, how to hold him. He'd been doing it for years.

He felt JC's tongue too quickly for it to even register -- he'd just touched Joey's lip with it as he wet his own. JC wrapped his other hand around Joey's neck, and it made him notice that he wasn't ducking his head, wasn't having to bend to kiss him.

And really, he couldn't say that was a drawback to doing this at all. Finally Joey stopped analyzing everything that was happening between them and just kissed JC like he knew how, like he'd kissed a hundred people before, with lips and tongue and just a tiny bit of teeth.

JC shuddered, actually *shuddered* against him, and started kissing back with the passion and eagerness that Joey'd been expecting, or at least hoping for, since he told him. He fisted his hand in Joey's shirt and held on, making soft noises deep in his throat.

And right there was another worry taken care of -- Joey was definitely getting turned on by this. JC might not be able to tell yet, but he would soon, the moment he bumped against him. Joey was feeling too good and too right and too happy to even freak out about it now.

JC nipped back at him once, twice, as a precursor to pulling away and taking a deep breath. His eyes looked like they were swimming in his face, and his lips glistened too. "Hey, wow," he whispered. "Hey."

"Yeah," said Joey, because JC had said it about as clearly as *he* could've. He licked his lips and looked down and didn't let his nervousness come rushing back, even though it threatened to. "Yeah. Okay."

"Wow," JC said again. "How was ... yeah? I. Um. More." He closed his eyes and threw his other arm behind Joey's neck too, tugging their mouths together again. Their bodies, too, this time. And JC was *not* soft, but that wasn't a bad thing either.

At least Joey had been ready for it. If *he* was getting hard, odds were that JC was, too, it was just the way he was wired. He kissed JC back with the same single-mindedness that he had before, and with even more enthusiasm. The scratch of JC's stubble was actually pretty hot, when he let it be, and JC sure as hell knew what he was doing when it came to this.

"Love you," JC murmured into his mouth, so easily, like it wasn't even an admission of anything. Maybe it wasn't, for them. "I had no idea."

Joey had always known he loved JC. He just hadn't known the could *love* him, in the physical sense. But now ... now it was pretty clear that he could. He was the one to pull out of the kiss this time, then blink a few times and lick his lips.

"Love you too," he said, trying out the words, seeing how they felt in this context. They felt right. "This is ... wow, JC."

Joey knew JC's grin, his real grin, could give Joey's a run for its money in the right circumstances These were the perfect circumstances. His eyes were practically crinkled shut, and the smile was so wide they were both laughing within seconds. "That was, like, the most pressure I've ever had, kissing someone," he admitted, exhaling. "I'm so glad I didn't mess it up."

"*You* weren't the one in any danger of messing it up," insisted Joey, taking JC's arm and squeezing lightly, and shaking his head with a grin still plastered across his face. "Wow. Have I said that enough yet? Wow."

"I could have messed it up!" JC protested, taking Joey's other hand and pressing it to his own cheek. "I could have scared you off men forever."

"*You* could not have scared me away," said Joey, stroking JC's cheek with his thumb. "You know I'm not into guys in general anyway ... it's just you. You couldn't have messed this up, I already knew what I wanted. It wasn't a test."

"You didn't know," JC protested, but it was much weaker, and Joey could see the way his eyelashes fluttered with the movement from Joey's thumb. "What if I, um. Bit you, or something. Or stuck my tongue down your throat."

"JC," laughed Joey, leaning forward to kiss him just lightly, and just for a moment. "You couldn't have messed it up. It just wasn't possible. But I'm glad it was as good as it was. It maybe made me ... um ... ready for more. I mean, ready for other things. When they happen."

"The brownies!" JC blurted, hopping a little. "Shit. Hold on." He nudged Joey out of the way and opened the oven, exhaling with relief when he saw they hadn't burned. "Thank goodness."

"We weren't kissing for *that* long," teased Joey, but when he looked he saw that it had obviously been long enough for the brownies to be *cooked*, anyway. He took a step back, out of the way, and hoped that JC remembering about the brownies right then had nothing to do with avoiding the subject of them doing anything more than kissing.

"We were talking and stuff," JC reminded him, grabbing some cute potholders from the counter and pulling the dish out. "Now they have to cool," he said a little playfully. "Wanna go sit in the living room, or outside?"

"Sure," said Joey, willing to let JC take over the lead any time now. He'd put himself on the line just about as much as he could take, right then. "Whichever you like."

"Living room," JC nodded, taking Joey's hand like they'd done a million times. "Come sit with me."

He flipped off the light in the kitchen, but left the ones in the living room off when they entered that room. "Do you need some water?" he said quietly. "Or something else to drink, or Advil? I should have offered earlier, even though you know you can make yourself at home here, always ... "

"No, I'm okay," said Joey. And he was, in that sense anyway. Sobriety hadn't come with a price, this time, and he figured maybe he should take that as a sign that he was doing exactly what he ought to be doing. "I just ... sitting, will be nice."

JC nudged Joey into the corner of the sofa, then waited only a second before sitting half on his lap the way they always did when they watched a movie in that room, or JC had the guys all over. "So," he said. "Um. So you're not mad at me about Kelly, then, right?"

Joey shook his head, though he tensed up just at the mention of her name. "I was a little ... shocked," he admitted. "That you would ... I mean, when you *knew* that me and her, we always got back together. Except. Then I thought maybe you did it *because* you knew we'd get back together again. Even though I hate her. I'm just ... a little scared. Because of Brianna."

"I promise, you won't lose Brianna," JC said, quiet but very, very firm. "She won't have her mommy and daddy together, that's true, but ... it's gonna be better for her. It would be so awful if you kept making up and breaking up. Something had to give."

Joey realized he was chewing on his lip again only when he tasted blood. "I was starting to worry," he admitted quietly a moment later. "That Bri was starting to understand what was happening, when me and Kelly were fighting. I never wanted *her* to get caught up in all that."

"I know." JC petted Joey's chest softly, then let his hand drift up into his hair. "And ... and I know you know I don't like Kelly so maybe you have to consider the source, here, but I think she KNEW that. And that's why she kept picking fights with you. 'Cause you'd give in, 'cause of Brianna."

Joey bit down on his lip until he tasted blood again -- on purpose, this time. "I know that, too," he had to say finally. "I mean ... no, yeah. I knew. God. She doesn't deserve to have my baby. I don't care if Brianna's hers, too. I hate her." "Stop that," JC whispered, reaching up with his other hand to wipe Joey's lip, more gently than Joey ever thought a guy'd be able to. "I know, Joe. And I'm not even going to sit here and tell you that you don't, that you're just upset, because maybe you do. We'll ... we'll just take that a day at a time, okay?"

"I'm still ... the stuff she said ... " Joey pressed his lips together and shook his head. "You already know what she said. You know why ... I just hate her. But I know her. You know that's why this is hard, right? Because ... suddenly everything's new. I'm not used to being with someone who wants me to be happy."

"It was going to be new, anyway," JC replied. "This is the part that I *know* will be a pleasant surprise. I'll treat you so good, baby." The endearment just rolled off his tongue, as natural as the kiss had.

"You already do," Joey said, licking his lower lip and wincing a little. "JC ... you always have. And I'm an idiot. I just didn't think I could, with a guy, but that's just ... it's stupid. I can. I am."

"It's not stupid." JC shook his head, then ran his thumb over Joey's lip so carefully, again. "It's not easy, not an easy thing to admit or do or anything. Now stop biting that or I'm going to threaten NOT to bite it."

"But I could've had you a long time ago," he said, licking JC's thumb lightly before he pulled it away. That wasn't entirely true, though. He *could've* had JC a long time ago, but he doubted it would have lasted.. He wasn't ready then. He wasn't sure he was ready *now*, but he was here, talking about it, which seemed to be a pretty good sign that he finally was. "It was kinda stupid. I can admit that."

JC lowered his forehead to Joey's shoulder. "Don't worry about that," he insisted. "You can worry about Kelly and Brianna and being with a guy but you're not allowed to worry about could'ves and should'ves with me. I'll beat you up."

"Yeah, in your dreams," he snorted, but just hearing that made him feel better. "I don't think I'm going to stop worrying about Kelly and Brianna for a while. I even have to call her tomorrow to work out Brianna's custody. *Not* looking forward to that. Do you think ... should i have waited, about coming to you, until I'd settled all of that? In my head, at least?"

"Mmm," JC hummed, keeping his head still. "I don't know. Will it make a difference? Because. If you're worried that you're going to be busy with that and don't have the time for me right now, that's *okay*, Joey. I understand."

Joey shook his head. "That's not what I ... I didn't mean ... I just, it's gonna be hard. And I don't know if it's fair to you, to always have to be hearing about her for a while. Oh man. I'm already messing this up, huh?"

"Joey." JC lifted his face, and was smiling. "You always talk about her. And I *love* hearing it. And if I couldn't mess up the kiss, then you can't mess up the aftermath. Um. Unless you mean to." "Don't wanna mess this up," said Joey firmly. "Took me years to get up the nerve to do it, to realize that you're the best thing *ever* for me and who gives a shit if you're a guy, that shouldn't matter. My dick seems pretty okay with it. My heart seems pretty okay with it. And everything else will come."

"So, that's a relief," JC nodded, the tips of his ears pink. "All the ... um. Stuff, being okay with it. That's a good thing. Very relieved."

"Did you think maybe I wouldn't be?" Joey had to ask. Because he'd had all the same doubts himself. "Did you think maybe it just ... wouldn't work for me, even if I wanted it to?"

"Well," JC said slowly. "Well. I think maybe I thought there was a chance it would take a little more getting used to. But I think if you wanted something bad enough, you'd do anything to get it. So."

"It's still gonna take some getting used to," admitted Joey. "Maybe a lot of getting used to. We're still ... there's still clothing in the picture here. Not sure how far this comfort level's gonna extend. But I do want it bad enough. And we will make it work."

"One step at a time," JC murmured. Then he lifted his finger, touched Joey's sore lip again. "Think that was a subconscious thing to keep me from kissing you, babe?"

Joey let his tongue dart out again. "Maybe it was to make you want to kiss it better," he suggested, smiling a little. "Maybe more to keep me from driving home and clawing her eyes out."

"Well, there's an image to set a mood," JC said dryly, climbing a little closer in Joey's lap. "Thanks."

Joey continued to smile, knowing JC had to be comfortable with him to be making a joke like that. "Either way, it worked, right?" he said. "I'm here, not there, and you're kissing me."

"Oh, really," JC grinned, but he did close his eyes and lean in, and there were his lips, feather-light on Joey's. Pressing a little more on his top lip, then licking slightly at the crease.

Joey felt himself shiver a little as JC pulled away, and he realized he'd closed his eyes as JC was kissing him. Just naturally. "The truth is that it's just a bad habit," he said finally, just to be saying something, "that I took overboard."

"Ahh," JC nodded. "Like my bad habit of falling in love with boys I can't have?" He leaned closer as quickly as he'd pulled away, and started nuzzling at Joey's ear.

"I happen to think that's a very *good* habit of yours," said Joey, tilting his neck so that JC could do whatever he wanted. He didn't think he'd ever fall for any other guy, *could* fall for any other guy, but here he was, with JC, and all of him was liking it just fine.

"I took it overboard," JC insisted, his voice deep and rumbly next to Joey's head. "It just happened to work out pretty well." And then there was his tongue, again, darting out to lick at Joey's earlobe.

"Well, as long as you don't do it again, with someone else, I think it'll all work out okay," he said. His voice was barely above a whisper, and didn't *need* to be louder, they were so close to one another.

"I really only did it the once," admitted JC, directly in Joey's ear. "Joey. I have to ... are you a see-where-this-goes type of guy, or ... do we need to talk about this?"

"I ... don't know," said Joey. "I'm usually see-where-this-goes, but ... " But this was different, he wanted to say, but maybe if he didn't *treat* it like it was different, the whole thing would go naturally. "Let's not talk about it. Unless ... I mean, if I need to stop, I'll say."

"But we're not there yet, right?" JC asked, almost shyly letting his hands trail over the the buttons on the front of Joey's shirt, high on his chest.

"No, we're definitely not there yet," said Joey. They'd barely done anything yet they hadn't ever before. It was just the intent behind it that was different. On Joey's part, anyway. "I don't think we're even close."

JC just blinked at him, then cupped his chin and kissed him carefully all over again, keeping his other fingers tangled in Joey's shirt. "Let me know ... if I'm too heavy ... " he whispered.

"You know you're not," said Joey, shifting underneath him so they were both more comfortable. "I'm just gonna ... I'm learning," he added, and hoped that made sense to him. He was following JC's lead, trying to figure out how this would work. And, he had to admit, it was pretty damn easy so far.

"Let me know anyway." JC's lips were so soft, and cooler than Joey remembered them being in the kitchen. Even his leg and his hands were cool. He was ... it was fun, to touch him this way.

"Shush," said Joey, just not wanting to hear any more of that, not wanting to think about that right then. If he was going to do this, he needed to just do it, and not have JC second guessing everything he said or did. He knew that JC had to have his doubts, had to be wondering how or if this would work, but he didn't want to hear it. And so he kissed him again, because it was the best way to take care of that while working to convince both JC and himself that they were gonna make it.

"Okay," JC said easily, the first second his lips were free. But it was only a second before Joey had captured them again, and JC was pressing closer, and Joey was leaning further back into the couch's cushions.

JC was heavier than what he was used to, but not by much. mostly he was just ... bigger. Taller with broader shoulders and more muscles. Less soft, more hard. And *that* was the biggest difference that Joey was noticing, even though he was trying not to. He was getting used to the light scrape of facial hair, but the feel of JC's body -- in this context, at least -- was something new.

He wasn't very shy about draping that body over him, either; not shy about hiding what this kiss was doing to him. He could feel JC's hands get shaky, and his chest start heaving with deeper breaths, and his dick get hard against Joey's knee.

He had *no* idea what to do about that, other than *not* pull away from it. It wasn't like he wasn't turned on himself. Maybe not to that extent, but turned on nonetheless. So he kept kissing him and hoped the rest of it would just work itself out.

"Mmm," JC hummed, letting his mouth trail over Joey's jaw to his ear again. "You can," he started, taking one of Joey's hands and pulling it up to his ribs.

"Right," murmured Joey, letting himself caress JC lightly through his shirt. Right, he could touch JC. He was *expected* to touch JC like that. JC like JC would touch him and stroke him back. He could literally feel himself get harder at the though. Which was a little freaky, but still a good sign. "Yes?" He made his caresses a little stronger, so JC could really feel them, and hoped it felt good.

JC's head fell back. "God, yes," he breathed. "Joey ... Joey, your hands, I've wanted to feel them like this, so much, you ... " He moved into Joey's touch, not away, even though it wasn't like Joey was touching him anywhere particularly erogenous.

Joey moved to reclaim his lips again, because it was the one thing he *knew* he was doing right, here. Everything else was uncharted territory. He didn't even really have a mental map of the male body to work from, the way he would with a woman. He only knew his own, and that didn't tell him *anything*, really, about what would feel good to another person. He let his hand move up, brushed a thumb over JC's nipple -- he *knew* nipples -- and hoped that was something JC liked.

JC squeaked, immediately, which was one of those reactions that could go either way; but he also pushed his cock a little harder against Joey's knee and there was really only one way to interpret that.

For a second Joey was really too intimidated to do it again, but he'd never really been one to shy away from success so he tried it again, just as lightly, and even managed to push his knee back against JC's erection a little. Just enough to be participating.

"Oh!" JC blurted, pulling his mouth away to blink at Joey before kissing him even more enthusiastically than he had. His own hands were definitely still in G-rated places.

Joey smiled a little into the kiss. He'd been worried about this bit, about not being able to make *JC* happy, but obviously he was doing okay so far. "You can ... " he said quietly, between kisses. "I mean. To me. You can, a little, if you want."

"Okay," JC mumbled in reply, letting his hands slip down the sides of Joey's neck. But he also pushed himself up, a little, breaking the contact his cock had with Joey's leg.

Joey actually missed it, once it was gone. They two of them probably would have been more comfortable somewhere else -- put together, they were a little bit to be making out on the sofa -- but Joey was pretty sure he wasn't ready to be suggesting *that*. JC hadn't really done anything different yet, so Joey tried to just kiss him again. Something familar.

JC kissed him back for a second, then moved his mouth down to Joey's chin, and jaw. And then his throat, following the path his fingers had taken moments before, before tangling in the buttons of Joey's shirt again.

It all felt really good, stubble and all. Joey heard himself make a noise and was startled by this. He knew he was enjoying this, but he hadn't quite grasped just *how* strongly his body was reacting. He let his own hands roam down to JC's waist and didnt' let himself think about where else they could end up, down there. Thinking was his enemy.