Joey slammed his fist into the wall, then winced as the pain from it rocketed up to his shoulder. His other hand still held his cell phone up to his ear, listening to the hitched breathing at the other end of the call. "When did it happen?" he managed to ask through gritted teeth, wondering who he was going to have to go kill. "When did you hear?" There was a soft sob at the other end of the line, then a click as it was disconnected. Joey threw the phone against the wall, too.

When he turned around, he saw Chris leaning against the counter, eyes wide and wary. "Um. Tell me that wasn't JC, please," he started softly. "Joe. At least say it wasn't him."

Joey ran a hand through his hair to keep it from shaking. "Leave your phone on," he said instead of answering. "He might try to call back. Fuck." He looked at the remains of his own phone, bits of plastic and metal scattered on the floor, and grimaced -- he probably shouldn't have done that.

Chris followed his eyes, then swayed a little on his feet, like he was trying to decide whether to get down on the ground and clean it up. "It's in my pocket," he promised, then ran his own hand through his hair. "Joe, just tell me. What ... it's not the same as last time, is it? Or, wait ... " He squinted. "You asked when he heard. So ... so it *wasn't* JC, this time?"

Joey shook his head, still staring at the floor. He wasn't sure whether he wanted to kick Chris out or hold him close. "No, no, it wasn't," he said. "Just some fuck from MTV Classic, trying to get a statement about ... you know. LIke I want to talk about it with him."

"What?" Chris looked even more confused. "But ... what were *you* asking about, then? WHat could he possibly tell you, that you don't already know? Unless ... oh, god, Joe, *did* it happen again?"

"I was just wondering when it got leaked to them," said Joey wearily, the anger running out of him as quickly as it had come on, leaving him just bitter and sick of the whole thing already. "Scared the living hell out of him too, sounded like," he added with a brief chuckle. "Must've been someone's lackey, never had to talk to someone like me before."

"Should we call Jace, then?" Chris asked cautiously, probably not trusting that resigned chuckle, not yet. "I mean, check on him? Make sure those assholes didn't call him? Or ... or is Justin still not letting him talk on the phone?"

"No, call him," said Joey with a decisive nod, lifting his head to stare at the wall and trusting that Chris was still behind him. "They might not even be answering, but give it a shot. Might be nice for him to hear a friendly voice, right about now." He paused, crunched a piece of plastic under his heavy boot. "Could've been me, you know."

Chris sighed and pulled out his phone and didn't respond to that. It *could* have been any of them -- Justin, just because of who he was; Lance, because of how he looked; Chris, because people just saw 'short' and not the whole 'nasty in a fight' thing. Or Joey and JC. Because of what they were caught doing. "J?" Chris asked softly. "How's Jace doing? Can he talk, yet, or does it still hurt too much?" Then he was silent for several moments, and Joey had to wonder if he was listening to Justin, or waiting to speak with JC.

"He's tough," said Joey, twisting his heel, hearing the satisfying crunch again. "He'll be fine." His hand went up to his hair again and he tugged it forward in front of his eyes, staring at the shimmering strands of black and crimson. Anything to avoid having to look at someone else. "Right, Chris? He'll be fine." He shouldn't have been expecting an answer, especially not with Chris on the phone, but he tensed up in anticipation anyway.

"No, I understand," CHris murmured softly, and Joey's heart sank a little more. "No, I wouldn't have woken him up either. You did good, kid." A short laugh. "Yes I *can* still call you kid, and I'm still glad you're there, man. You call when you want one of us to come relieve you, okay, Baby?" Another brief pause, and a small if real smile, and Chris was off the phone and looking at Joey again. "He's asleep. Which is good, because when I was there yesterday, he never closed his eyes."

"I need to go kill someone now," said Joey a moment later, finally turning around to face Chris even if he didn't meet his eyes. He knew what survivor guilt was, but that didn't make it any easier to cope with. "I've got my stomping boots on, I'm set. Wanna help?"

Chris smiled at him sadly. "I left my stomping boots back in LA," he said, calm. "Joey ... what you said before ... it *could* have been you. But it wasn't. And you know JC -- that boy hasn't changed a bit in the fifteen years you've known him. Would he want you to be reacting like this? There's a *reason* we haven't let you see him, since he's been conscious."

"When then what exactly am I supposed to be doing?" Joey asked, his hand curling into a fist again. "What *would* he want me to be doing? Does he really want me to let the fuckers that did this get away with it? No. I want justice for this, Chris," He'd dropped everything when he heard what happened, hopped a plane right before a gig leaving the rest of the band to handle the details, but this was important. This was family.

"What makes you think you would find them, anyway?" Chris asked, his voice a little tighter in that way that Joey recognized meant his patience was wearing thin. "Look. We all -- ALL of us -- had the same reaction when we heard. And ... saw. JC ... his ... god, face, and ... " He shook his head, clenched his jaw. "And so I guess I have to let it ... sink in, with you. Give you the time we had, to react. But you're not leaving."

"I'd find them," said Joey ominously, even though he had no idea how he would do it. He just knew that if he needed it that bad, it would happen. "Just let them try it with me. I'd kick all their asses, show 'em what it's like." He turned to face the wall again, not wanting to see the impatience on Chris's face. "What else am I supposed to do about it, Chris?"

"Justin and I punched each other." Joey turned back around, to see if Chris was kidding. But he looked dead serious, and then pointed to an almost-faded bruise that Joey must have missed. "That hurt enough."

Joey looked at the hand he'd slammed into the wall, uncurled his fist to see the red splotches covering it. "I don't think I broke anything," he said after a moment, flexing the hand. "That would've sucked. Why didn't anyone call me sooner?"

"It was ... right after you left," Chris said uncomfortably. Not meeting his eyes. "We knew we wouldn't catch you until you'd gotten back to the city, and you didn't tell anyone your flight information. Well, none of us. C might've known." He sighed. "Plus, he said you'd fought. JC said, I mean. Before he ... left."

"Fuck," Joey spat out, kicking a piece of debris out of the way. "It wasn't ... we just fought about stupid shit. You really think we could fight about something that would keep me from coming? Keep him from wanting me to? You know us better than that." He felt the pockets of his coat then swore, remembering he'd given up smoking again. Fine time, too. "We just fought about Lee. Again."

Chris frowned, gave a little confused half-shake of his head. "Lee? I don't know who ... " He finally knelt and started picking up the pieces of phone. "Joey, of course a fight wouldn't have kept either of you apart, we know that. We just ... were really worried, about what you'd do. And we needed to wait until we knew ... he was going to make it. So just ... calm down. We did what we did."

"That's even more reason to call me," snapped Joey. "What if he hadn't, and I wasn't here? Do you even know what that would have done to me? It's bad enough that I wasn't here to stop it, that he was probably only out because of me ... " He reached down to tug at Chris's sleeve. "Just leave it. Leave it. I'll get someone to take care of it later. Just *leave* it, Chris."

Chris smacked Joey's hand away, hard, and when he looked up, his face was red. And Joey knew that he was right, about all of it, and Chris knew it. "Maybe he was out, where he was, because of you, but ... but Jup and I let him leave alone when we goddamn fucking well know better. There's plenty of blame, here, Joey. If you're going to be pissed at me, make sure it's for the right thing."

Joey tried to tug Chris up one last time before finally letting go, almost shoving him as he did. "Where was he, when it happened?" he asked, clenching his jaw and curbing his anger. "Just tell me he wasn't trying to pick someone up. I know he hates my boyfriend but ... if he was out, trying to prove something, I'll ... I'll fucking kill him myself. You shouldn't have let him go."

Something like realization, or understanding, dawned on Chris's face. "Yes, I know that," he said evenly. "You shouldn't have, either." But that meant something entirely different, and Chris looked frustrated with himself that he'd said it, once it was out of his mouth. "Look ... he was where you left him. The same bar, that ... fucking dive. He called us when you left, asked if we'd keep him company. And we did, and then ... " He shook his head again. "You know the details. And you know he wasn't picking anyone up. Not the same night that he'd ... never the same night that he was able to see you."

Joey felt something coil inside him at Chris's words, felt his whole body clench. "Just remember that it wasn't my decision to make," he said finally, knowing Chris would know exactly what he was talking about. "Anyway, I had to get back to New York that night, we had a show, I didn't leave because of the fight, Chris," he added defensively. "JC knew that."

Chris grunted, non-committally. "Well ... you know C. You'd think the guy could grow some self-confidence when it comes to us, sometime." He finished picking up the remains of the phone, and dropped it casually in the garbage. "Probably didn't help that ... he *told* us you kissed him, Joe. He thinks that's what ... they saw."

"Of for *fuck's* sake," Joey blurted out, turning on him incredulously. He was sure his anger had to be showing in his eyes, which he finally lifted to meet Chris's "Don't you *dare* blame this one me. Fuck you. You don't think I'm doing that enough already?"

"I'm *not*!" Chris cried in response. "God. I'm not blaming you. For anything. He was so fucking *happy*, Joey, *even* if you fought after ... nothing about you kissing is bad. None of us think so. Just ... just that they saw it -- it's unfortunate."

"It wasn't even that kind of kiss," muttered Joey, slumping again and running a hand over his face. "You guys may not think much of Lee -- and God knows I already know *you're* uncomfortable with the whole thing in general, Chris -- but I wouldn't cheat on him. Especially not with someone he's already jealous of. And besides, JC made his choice about that a long time ago."

"I didn't even *know* about Lee!" Chris protested. "Not until ten minutes ago. I mean, I knew he existed, but I didn't know anything about him, much less his name." He stared at Joey. "As for what kind of kiss it was ... that is probably something you guys should get straight, I think. Cause from what C said ... what he looked like ... I'm pretty sure you're not on the same page."

"It doesn't even fucking matter," said Joey, shaking his head at him. JC wouldn't have misunderstood; the break-up had been his choice. *His* choice. "It doesn't matter what it was, al that matters is what they think they saw, and what they did to him. Fuckers." He wished he had his cell phone back just so he could break it again.

"It *does* matter," Chris said wearily. "I'm not ... god, I'm *not* suggesting that you guys get back together, if that wasn't going to happen, but ... I don't know. It's going to be so hard, for JC, after this ... and to know that it wasn't even what he thought it was ... "

"I"m sure you're reading him wrong," said Joey, even as he closed his eyes and decided on the spot that he'd let JC go on believing that if he had to. That he'd deal with it. "JC didn't want to be tied down, didn't even really want to be with a guy. Which is, fuck, why it *should* have been me, not him. Not him."

Chris laughed, *laughed* at him, and it sounded awful and hollow. "Oh, Joey," he sighed. "God. Okay. What I said before, about JC not changing in the 15 years you've known him? That's wrong, obviously. Cause I'd believe that, that he didn't want a guy, didn't want to be 'tied down' ... I'd believe that 5 years ago. No *way* you can convince me that's something he said since ... since the group."

"Well, that's what he said to break up with me," Joey snapped out bitterly, his eyes meeting Chris's with less guilt in them this time. "So if he was lying about it, that means it was just me he didn't want to be with. I dunno, Chris, which one would you rather I go around believing?"

"That was *forever* ago!" Chris insisted. "I don't want you to feeling like you *have* to believe anything, just ... think he meant it when he said it. Doesn't mean he means it any more."

"That, too," said Joey, with a curt nod of his head. "JC and I were forever ago. Chris ... shit ... you were never happy about us being together back then, why are you so gung-ho about it now? Now that we've both moved on and are long past it?"

"Cause it's not *dangerous*, now!" Chris blurted, then covered his mouth when what he said -- how obviously wrong it was -- sank in. "Oh, god, Joe. God." He stumbled against the counter. "JC. Oh, god."

"Oh, just fuck you," said Joey weakly, but his fists were clenching again and his body was tensing up. "Don't even ... fuck. I want to at least see him. Because he's my friend and ... and I have to apologize. For everything. And fuck ... I need to call Lee and I need to call Graham and let them know where I am, and ... " He knew he was completely avoiding the subject; he hoped that Chris would let him.

Chris handed Joey his own phone, squeezed the bridge of his nose, and walked out of the room. Just left Joey there, which wasn't really what he meant when he'd hoped that Chris would let him avoid the subject.

He stared at the phone in his hand and almost threw it after him, but he really did need to make those calls and the sooner the better; he'd already been gone more than long enough to leave them in a panic, and they certainly couldn't get through to *him* now.

Graham was easy, which was why Joey had picked him in the first place. All Joey had to do was tell him where he was and leave him Chris's number and Graham said he'd take care of everything, tell the rest of the band and everything.

Lee ... wasn't. Just like Joey had known he would react. "Look I'm sorry I didn't leave a message," he shouted into the phone at Lee's persistent and increasingly volatile prodding. "What do you want me to do, just leave him here? Desert him? And if you say yes, Lee, so help me ... "

"Get off the phone." Chris's voice was tight and clear behind him, and he wondered how much he'd heard. And just what conclusions he'd drawn. "Get off the fucking phone, Joey. That's just ... you can deal with that later. Or ... not. But we have to go."

Joey's heart started a panicked pounding as soon as he heard Chris say that. "I have to go," he echoed him into the phone, then hung up before Lee could get another word in. He was sure that Lee would have plenty more for him the next time he talked to him. "What?" he said to Chris. "What happened? Is it JC? Is he still okay?"

"What? He's fine," Chris replied, a little too innocently. But he did have his keys in his hand. "I just thought you said you wanted to go see him. Was I wrong?"

Joey narrowed his eyes and him but he nodded his head anyway, handing the phone back. "You know I do," he said. "You know I have all along. But what the fuck, Chris?"

"What?" he said again. "I mean, I know you saw him yesterday, at the hospital. I just thought we could swing by, see if he's awake since I talked to Justin. It might make you feel better."

"Well, it might be the cheap drugs fucking with my head," said Joey, "but I seem to remember you saying something to me about not letting me see him since he woke up. Not scared I'm gonna do something to upset him anymore? Or what?"

"I was just saying there was a reason we hadn't," Chris explained. "Not while you were out for blood. And you seem ... not calmer, but at least you've got other stuff on your mind now. But you better fucking NOT upset him, or I'll *give* you something to think about. Right after J does, probably. He is younger and more spry, after all."

"Look. I'm *here*," said Joey. "I came. Just because we're *not* going out now, doesn't mean I don't love the guy. You think I would do something to upset him more than he already is? He's living a fucking nightmare, Chris, and I'm not stupid. Sure, I want to do a little ass-kicking, but I'm gonna tell *you* that, not him."

"Then we're fine," Chris replied, grinning toothily. "Look ... he's gonna be a little ... he looks a little more banged up, than when you saw him in the hospital, ok? Like ... the bruises are really ... bruised ... now. And he, um, winces a lot. Since he doesn't have the morphine. I know you know all of this, just ... don't freak."

Joey took a deep breath and nodded -- he didn't *want* to see JC like that, but he needed to see him. Needed to talk to him himself and make sure he was all right, make sure JC knew that he was among friends and that even now, years later, the five of them would be there for each other no matter what.

"Maybe I'll just go home and kick Lee's ass, after," he said finally, giving Chris a wry smile. "Guy's just asking for it, I swear."

"Mmm-hmmm," Chris murmured, arching an eyebrow and sounding like he was just barely keeping from imitating some quack psychiatrist. "So." He started ushering Joey out the door, a small but still comfortable and familiar hand on Joey's back. "Who's Lee, you fuckwad?"

"My boyfriend," said Joey, looking back of his shoulder at Chris and raising an eyebrow, "I thought we established this already, My boyfriend that JC does *not* like, so I won't be mentioning him later. I thought you knew, anyway?"

"I knew you *had* one," Chris reminded him. "But either I'm not important enough -- or *he's* not -- for you to tell me his name." He grabbed a coat, still sounding too innocent. Chris never pulled off innocent. Joey doubted if he ever really tried. "How come JC doesn't like him?"

"He just doesn't," said Joey with a shrug, not willing to speculate, or give too much away since Chris was obviously baiting. "You could ask him that, but not today. Wouldn't want to get his blood pressure up while he's ... sick."

"I will," Chris promised. "So ... why do you date the guy, if your oldest friend in the world doesn't like him, Joey? And don't give me shit about JC not being in the position to make those decisions for you, because you know that's not what I mean."

"JC just doesn't know him like I do," Joey defended himself, toying with the zipper of his jacket. "He's only met him once, and ... it was pretty much hate at first sight. For both of them." He sighed and shrugged again and didn't want to think too much about why. "He's really not a bad guy. He's got ... redeeming features."

"Oh, *God*," Chris blurted out laughing, setting the alarm on the house. "Wow. 'Redeeming features.' If I *ever* have a lover that can only come up with something like *that* when feeling compelled to defend my honor ... " He trailed off into a chuckle, shaking his head. "Dude, I'll never get you. Never. You could have had -- still *could* have, probably -- any of us. Guys that would kill for you, and maybe excepting Jup, are really fucking good looking and hot in the sack. What's that about?"

"Chris ... " said Joey warningly, staring at his hands. "There are just *so* many ... okay. For one, I got pretty burned dating one of my best friends before. Yes, JC. You think it didn't hurt, the way that ended? I think I hurled half my mugs against the wall that night. And then ... okay. Fuck. I know you guys do it sometimes? Like, are open? But I decided a long time ago that I can't, not with someone who doesn't know what it's like, to be gay. Not with someone who can fucking change their mind. I love you guys and I want to keep it that way. Okay? Now you know and you'll never ask again, right?"

"We're not open," Chris protested stiffly. "Not ... not in the way you think. And that's not what I meant, either. I wasn't talking about ... I was talking about something like you had with JC, yeah. And I know you didn't like the way it ended, but ... maybe it needed to, then." He smirked. "And you know that knowing I shouldn't bring something up again won't work."

"And *you* know that it should," countered Joey, "Some things don't need to be talked about. They just are. this is one of them." He clutched his coat a little tighter. "And don't tell me you haven't experimented, Kirkpatrick, I know you better than that. You driving?"

Chris nodded and waved Joey toward one of Justin's cars that Chris must have borrowed. "Experimented with what?" he said casually, looking at Joey out of the corner of his eye.

"Sucking dick," said Joey bluntly, flashing Chris a knowing grin. There were so few secrets between them, or at least that's how it had been. "You told me all about it, remember? Before you knew about me? So I know you're ... open. In *that* way." he snorted. "But that's exactly what I mean. I'm tired of guys changing their mind. Doing their little experiment and then leaving when they decide it's -- I'm -- not for them."

"That is *not* ... " Chris started, then sighed. "Jace didn't do that, okay? And the rest of us ... I don't know that we're ready to settle down with *anyone*; it's not just a guy thing. You haven't been around, Joe. You haven't. You don't have any idea what -- me and JC, and me and Justin ... so just ... shut up. About what you don't know about." He snorted softly. "Sucking dick."

"Hope you're not including that in the things i don't know about," snapped Joey as he climbed into the car. "What makes you think I was talking about *just* JC anyway? So ... so you wanted to know why I was with Lee. Well, that's why. Cause he's just about the best thing that there is out there, for me."

"Yeah, he's *totally* the best," Chris retorted, with the sharp sarcasm he'd perfected. "That's why he was so understanding on the phone about your best friend almost being killed that you made a joke about going home and beating the shit out of him. Jesus, Joe." He started the car, turned on the windshield wipers. "You still shouldn't assume so much."

"And you shouldn't be so damn cryptic," said Joey. "I should've left him at least a note or something, I can understand why he'd be pissed. And fuck, Chris, don't give me that look. Do I look like I'm excusing him for being an ass today? No, of course not, I'm not going, am I? But he's not always like this."

"Whatever," Chris waved, clearly not interested. Joey was curious about what JC really *had* said, that Chris was so dismissive, so sure this wasn't someone he needed to care about. Wasn't someone who'd be around that long. "And cryptic? Me? Man, you *have* been hiding too long, if you're giving me strange personality traits like that."

"Hiding?" said Joey, patting his jacket again. Forgetting again. "It's called living, Chris. You guys should try it." It was the worst kind of avoiding the reality of what Chris was driving them toward, but he couldn't stop himself and Chris didn't stop him either. "I might fall in love with this guy, you know. Would you be sorry then?"

He laughed again, and it was even more bitter and hollow than last time. "Right, sure you will," he murmured. "And anyway, sorry for what? Like I said before, you're the one that never bothered to tell me about him. I'm surprised JC knew." He didn't respond to the barb about living, and Joey hadn't really expected him to. Chris had done more living before Joey'd met him than any of the rest of them had since.

"Look, what do you want me to say?" said Joey, turning his head to stare at him. "You asked about him, i told you. Only apparently you didn't need to ask in the first place, did you? Just wanted to hear it from me?"

"Only if it was important to you," Chris replied evenly. "C'mon, Joe. Why are you so ... look, I kind of need to know if all this pent-up ... shit ... is because of what happened to JC, or if you're honestly resenting me -- us -- about something else. I'll need to tell Justin."

"I'm not *resenting* you," said Joey. "Thought it was the other way 'round, actually." He crossed his arms over his chest and stared out the windshield, avoiding Chris's face again. He wasn't supposed to bring JC up. He was supposed to spend the drive pretending JC hadn't had the crap beaten out of him by a bunch of assholes. "I'm just answering your questions. Sorry if you don't like the answers."

"Nobody likes you being gone," Chris admitted simply, plainly. "That doesn't mean we resent you. Nobody understands what that kiss was about, with you and Jace, or the fight that came after it. *That* doesn't mean we resent you. But you sure as hell know *I'll* resent you for trying to hide stuff. So just don't, okay? And don't say you're not. Maybe I just haven't asked the right question yet."

"I guess that depends on what you're trying to find out," said Joey. The tensing was so familiar now, starting in his gut and spreading throughout his body. "Just ... stop trying to blame me for what happened, Chris! I'm sorry, I'm sorry we fought, I'm sorry we kissed, I'm sorry he didn't understand. Okay?"

Chris stiffened, too, and Joey could see his hands clench tighter on the steering wheel. "Okay," he said quietly. "Okay. Just remember what we talked about, then. About what we are and are not telling Jace today." He shifted gears, then touched Joey's knee instead of putting his hand back. "And don't you dare say I'm blaming you again. You know I'm not."

"Okay, then *I'm* blaming me," said Joey quietly, like it was still a secret. Which it wasn't, not with Chris. "I left thinking we were still friends, and I'd give him a call in a couple days. And then ... and I couldn't ... 'cause he can't even fucking *talk*, Chris. And then to find out he thought ... well, something that just wasn't. And that was why ... and fuck."

"Joey, no," Chris said a little desperately, squeezing Joey's leg and looking like he wanted to pull over. "God, I'm sorry, I was laying it on really thick, there, and ... look, maybe you needed to say that, but only so I could convince you that it isn't true. Remember? It could have been any of us? And the whole 'me and Justin letting him leave alone' thing?"

"You couldn't have known," said Joey, shaking his head, licking his dry lips. "Look, can you pull over here, at the convenience store? I need to -- " He tapped his pocket nervously. "I need a pack of cigarettes. You mind?"

Chris chuckled, and leaned over to pop open the glove compartment. There were three half-empty packs in there. "But I can still pull over, if you want. Maybe we shouldn't ... see JC ... until we maybe get this straightened out."

Joey unrolled his window and lit one before answering. "I don't know what's to straighten out," he said finally. "You think you can stop me from feeling guilty about it? You think you even should?"

"The only thing... " Chris started, continuing to drive but looking reluctant. "I mean, I *would* be lying if I told you I didn't want you to feel bad about leading JC on. 'Cause from what you're saying, it really seems like you did. But we *all* need to help each other *not* feel guilty about what happened to JC."

"Yeah, I oughta feel bad," said Joey, inhaling the smoke deeply and closing his eyes. "But for which part, exactly? The part where I told him I was happy with my boyfriend, and that the band was doing well? The part where I kissed him and told him that i was glad we had the time together that we did? The part where I told him i really hoped he was happy with his life now, because he deserved it?"

Chris chewed on his lip, an old, old habit. "Well, okay ... " he said awkwardly. There wasn't much in there that *did* sound like Joey had JC on. "But was it, like, a hot kiss?"

[Joey snorted, then coughed. "It wasn't a hot kiss, Chris. No tongue or anything. I don't know what he told you, but ... *you've* gotten hotter kisses from me than that was. Which is why I don't know why ... how he could think that it was anything other than friendly. And then go out and ... it has to be my fault, i'm just not sure quite how."]

Joey let out a brief chuckle, giving Chris a sidelong look. "It was not a hot kiss," he assured him. "It wasn't even really a lukewarm kiss. Fuck, I've kissed *you* hotter than I kissed JC that night. I really ... I don't know why he told you what he did. Interpreted it like he did."

"Were you copping a feel?" Chris pressed, deadpan. "I don't know either. He just ... did. He can't lie to save his ass, either, so he really believed it. And we hardly had a chance to press him on it, before .... well, before." He grinned a little. "Remember that, do you?" he teased, actually responding to the kiss between *them* that Joey referred to. "Yup. Once you get a taste of Kirkpatrick, impossible to forget."

Joey snorted but smiled in spite of himself. "Taste of drunken, slobbery Kirkpatrick, more like," he said, "and you're right, it *was* impossible to forget, speaking of copping a feel." He shook his head and his eyes shot towards Chris again. "I dunno. Maybe *you* guys misunderstood JC," he suggested, "Maybe he was just happy because I'd assured him we were still friends, and upset that we fought."

"I do *not* slobber," Chris blustered. "And ... I don't know. Maybe he did think that. But he didn't seem *too* down about what you fought about. You said it was Lee? Maybe he doesn't think he's much of a threat, in the long run."

"Threat to what, exactly?" asked Joey, cringing at Lee's name. There was gonna be a hell of a fight about this, when he got home again. "He's just a boyfriend, Chris. What exactly would he be posing a threat to? I just can't believe that JC would think ... "

"Threat to *him*," Chris said gently. "If he decided he wanted you back. Did *he* say that, by the way? I mean, forgetting about what you may or may not have let him believe, did *he* express the desire to be with you again?"

"No," said Joey firmly, refusing to believe that. "I mean, we reminisced, a little, which was part of what brought on the kiss, I guess ... but no. We talked about how good it had been, not how good it *could* be. Chris ... it was hard enough when I got dumped the first time, I wouldn't do that again. Even *if* -- and that's a really big if -- he decided he wanted me back, Chris, what about what I want? What's good for me?"

"And JC wouldn't be good for you," Chris said flatly. "Well, whatever. Not like you have any idea what he'd be like as a lover now, anyway, abandon-man." He turned on the radio. "At least you know how you feel."

"Chris!" said Joey, staring at him incredulously for a long moment, He yanked out the ashtray and stubbed out the remains of his cigarette in it before he got burned. "What the hell *is* this? What am I missing here?"

"Nothing!" Chris snapped back. "I know we always said we'd never choose sides, in the group, but ... fuck, the group's over. And I'm choosing sides. And maybe JC was the one to break it off with you, but you weren't the only one hurt. And you weren't the one hurt when *you* left."

"Because I didn't stay here and ... what, stagnate?" said Joey. He'd dropped his voice but was still staring, not knowing what the hell was happening here. "It's not like I lost touch. It's not like I love you guys any less. I just went on with my life is all, and what the hell is so wrong with that?"

"Hey, I didn't stay here," Chris reminded him. "Lance didn't stay here. That's not the point. We're still here, we see each other, *all* the time. And you don't, Joey. You just don't. And you were the last person I expected that from, out of all of us."

"You can't say I'm never here, Chris, I am. I came to Lance's club opening, and to your spring show, and I've even *worked* with JC a couple times." And if he didn't come a lot of other times, well, maybe there were reasons for that. And maybe Chris should have taken a little more time to choose his sides. "I don't suppose it matters what I have to say, though, since you already made your choice."

"It only doesn't matter if you're okay with that," Chris replied softly. "If you're okay with that being my choice, if it's not important enough for you to show me the error of my ways ... Joey, I would give you the benefit of the doubt. If you cared."

"How can you look me in the face, after everything we've all been through these last couple of days, and tell me I don't care?" he challenged Chris, anger -- real anger -- rising up in him now. "Would I even be here? Are you *surprised* I'm here, Chris?"

"Cared about *what* *I* *thought*," Chris clarified carefully. "Joey. God. Of course you cared about what happened, and care about JC, and I never had a millisecond's doubt you wouldn't come. "I just meant ... cared about me ... siding, I guess. With JC."

"It hurts," said Joey honestly, narrowing his eyes at him. It wasn't as though Chris coudln't have figured that much out on his own. "Because he did hurt me, a lot, back than, and *is* a big part of the reason that I left when I did. Just like us finally getting past that is a big part of me coming back more now. Now ... now what you're saying makes me think that you think he was right about how he treated me then, and that I deserved to be hurt like that. So yeah, of course I care. You guys's opinions mean more to me than anyone's."

"Nobody ever deserves to be hurt like that," Chris murmured, reaching over to turn the radio back off again. "He missed you, though, Joey, so much. And I only got to see that part. I didn't get to see if it stayed with you the way it stayed with him. I didn't get to see you try to replace *him* with anybody he thought could -- including me."

"So you really did sleep with him, huh?" said Joey, feeling the same crushing in his chest he had so long ago. He didn't want JC back, but what had happened betwen them still stayed with him. "Well, good for you. You think I didn't miss him like crazy? Hell, Chris, why do you think I *left*?"

"Slept with him?" Chris laughed, but there was no humor in it. "God. Joey ... JC and I were together ... almost exclusive ... for, like, a *year* after you left. You're ... " He shook his head. "God, even when you came back, you really didn't come back, did you."

Joey shifted uncomfortably in his seat and couldn't look at Chris anymore. "That little fucker," he said uncharitably, even as he couldn't forget that that 'little fucker' was still lying bruised and bloodied from an attack. "You *know* what he said to me when we broke up ... and you still. And you *wonder* why I didn't want to be around?"

"I didn't *still* anything," Chris retorted, his voice turning icy. "And just ... be fucking careful, Joe. About what you say." He sighed, rubbed the back of his neck. "I fought him on it," he promised softly. "I reminded him of the reasons you broke up. But ... you leaving, it ... it changed him, Joey. You don't know."

"And yet you think you do," said Joey, opening the glove compartment for another cigarette. "You think you know what I went through. You think I'm wrong, what I did. Well you didn't go through it, Chris, you didn't hear him say that he wasn't sure he was into guys, then go and date another one right away. Say he just wanted to be casual, then get into another long-term relationship. You didn't leave feeling unloved, unwanted and unattractive. And a failure."

"What you went through?" Chris echoed. "You didn't know he was doing any of that, Joey. I know it hurt to hear that when you wanted him, but you *didn't* know he 'turned around' and went back on it. And I've just told you exactly when he did. And why he did." He gritted his teeth. "It wasn't because some unloved, unattractive failure left him. It was because the one irrepleaceable thing in his life left him."

"I wasn't irreplaceable," said Joey, "and I wasn't talking about you. He got laid the next night, Chris, before I'd gone anywhere. And I'm sure many more times after that. Look ... I'd lost the group and my lover, practically all at once -- I didn't know what to do next. So I went home. And I got through it. And, in case you missed this part, me and JC are getting along again, I've been around more. Things are changing again."

"Well ... good," Chris said, obviously taken aback by something Joey had said. "That's good, then. But so why do you think there's no chance for the two of you now, if things are changing so much, if you're getting along again?"

"Why do you *want* there to be?" asked Joey, sighing wearily. "I'm happy to be his friend, Chris, but I'm not in love with him anymore. I *love* him, absolutely, but in love? No. And there's just too much history there to start over."

Chris actually looked sad. Like ... sadder than Joey could remember seeing him. "Well ... okay," he acknowledged. Chris was giving in? "Fair enough, Joey. Just ... remember what we talked about. About ... maybe letting him believe what he wants. Until he's a little better."

"I'm not going to forget," muttered Joey, exhaling smoke through the open window. "Hell, I'm probably going to take one look at him and want to coddle him for hours. And then I'll go out and break things. I don't think either one of us will be up for any kind of conversation about it. Look Chris ... are you really sure? About what he thought of the kiss?"

"I wouldn't lie to you about it," Chris replied morosely. "But who knows what he's thinking now. Maybe he won't want anything to do with ... with guys, after this. For a while. Forever." He sighed almost pitifully. "You don't need me to tell you how to handle JC. I wouldn't presume."

"You would too presume," said Joey, trying to lighten his tone again as they got closer to JC. "You've been presuming since I got here. But ... fuck, I hope this doesn't scar him too badly. It sounded like the guy'd finally gotten comfortable with his life, when we talked."

"I'll tell you what I think," Chris argued, not letting himself be cheered back up. "But I wouldn't tell you what to do. And you can't say that I have, either." He sniffed slightly. "He *was* doing well. He was happy. He was ... so excited to see you. To show you, I think."

Joey sighed, Chris's gloominess infectious. "I can't change what's happened, Chris, and most of it I don't think I would want to. But I feel like I'm missing something here, that's the key to everything. Do you know anything you're not telling me? Know anything for sure that I think you're only speculating about?"

"No, no," he said, even quieter. "No. I just want our boy happy. And ... and I want you back in the fold, I guess. And ... I guess ... I thought JC was going to be the thing that did it."

"He is," said Joey, just as quietly, letting his cigarette burn between his fingers. "He always had to be. Just ... not in the way you think, Chris. We needed to be friends again, to forgive if not forget, and we have. I mean ... he doesn't like Lee because he doesn't think he treats me well and that I deserve better, not because he wants me for himself or anything. I'm just ... I'm really sure of that, Chris."

Chris shook his head, clearly not convinced, but he didn't argue any more either. Just drove quietly the rest of the way to JC's house, parking behind another one of Justin's cars. "You ready to go in?" he asked softly, hiding his eyes. "J's gonna kick your ass when he smells smoke on you, you know."

"I seriously doubt that anyone is going to get their ass kicked by any of us for a long, long time," said Joey, taking one last drag then crushing that cigarette into the ashtray, too. "No, of course I'm not ready. Are you?"

"I've seen him," Chris answered, idly rubbing the bruise on his face, courtesy of Justin. "Since he woke up. I talked to him." He paused. "I'm more ready than you," he finished.

"Yeah, I guess you are," said Joey, wiping his sweaty palms against his jeans. "If I cry, smack me, all right? Just promise me that much."

"I wept," Chris said under his breath, so softly that Joey barely caught it. "So you better ask J to do it." He climbed out of the car, not waiting to see if Joey followed. He walked stiffly to the door.

Joey didn't, not right away, gripping his knees and closing his eyes. He definitely wasn't ready for this, but he knew he'd do it. Because it was JC and it was all his friends and he had to; there was no choice to be made here. Finally he did get out and joined Chris at the door. "Just let me be alone with him when I do, then," he murmured as he reached his side.

Chris nodded again, and knocked on the door lightly even as he opened it and punched in the alarm code. "He's ... he's in the guest wing on this floor. Um, instead of his room. The rooms out back, past the pool ... you know which ones?" He waited for Joey's nod. "Okay. I'll ... I'm just gonna go find J, then."

Joey nodded again, silently, and started off only when Chris was out of sight. He almost hoped that JC *was* still sleeping, so he could keep his reaction private. He'd seen him in the hospital, sure, but this was going to be different, this time. He'd actually have to deal with it. They all would. The door to the room was open half-way, and Joey hesitated before finally pushing on it and stepping inside.

JC wasn't sleeping, though; wasn't reading, wasn't watching TV. He was laying on his back in the bed, sheets pulled up to his neck almost, facing away from the door. Staring outside the window at the pool. "Justin," he croaked softly, sounding slightly amused. "I don't *want* any chocolate. I promise."

"Hey," said Joey quietly, staring at him and not quite ready to approach the bed yet. JC was in bad shape, Joey could see that even though most of his body was covered. "Heard you were up, your keepers finally let me in to see you."

Even though JC hadn't been moving, Joey could see him stiffen. He didn't -- maybe couldn't? -- turn his head, though. "Joey?" he murmured, his name sounding garbled in that strange imitation of JC's voice. "Justin said ... you were here, but ... " When he still didn't turn his head, Joey knew it was because he physically couldn't. "Come here?"

Joey hesitated only another moment before rounding the bed and kneeling at JC's side, trying not to react too visibly. "I'm here," he said, keeping his voice soft. "I came back as soon as I heard. I'm ... I'm so sorry, Jace ... "

JC smiled, and it was ... his lips were cracked, and bruised. His whole *face* was cracked, and bruised. Yellow, and purple, and red where it was scraped too. And all that ... Joey knew it wasn't the worst. "Shh," he said, closing his eyes and shaking his head almost imperceptibly. "Don't, Joe. Wasn't you." He tried to lick his lips. "Anything to piss Lee off, you know."

Joey smiled, forced himself to. "Oh, and he is," he told him, reaching out a hand but not touching JC in case it hurt too much. "I hung up on him earlier. And ... it *was* kinda me. You might not have been there if it wasn't for me. But I'm not gonna ... I just want you to feel better, JC. I wish they'd gone after me instead."

"I'm fine, Joe," JC whispered, a little softer and a lot grittier. His voice ... Joey just couldn't get over what had happened to his *voice*. And why Chris hadn't prepared him for that. "Please ... don't say that to me. It ... doesn't help. Makes me feel even ... more weak."

Joey just snorted and sat down on his heels. "It's not just you," he assured him, or tried to. Tried to talk to him like everything was normal. "I'm saying the wrong thing to everyone today. You wouldn't believe how annoyed Chris is with me. Let alone *Lee*."

"Oh, Chris," JC grated out, his eyes dancing over Joey's face. "He's ... there's no 'right' thing to say to him, right now. I'm glad he's staying with Justin. Where ... where are you staying, Joey? Or ... areyou, even?"

Joey closed his eyes, just for a second, just for some respite from seeing JC's ravaged face. "I don't know yet," he confessed. "I haven't slept since I got here ... not sure *where* I'm gonna sleep tonight. JC ... you have to know I'm not going home yet. I got the guys to postpone our shows this week so I didn't have to."

"A whole week," JC grunted dryly, and for the first time Joey couldn't tell what was attitude and whta was his ... injury. Injuries. Whatever was wrong with his voice. "Well, you know you're welcome here; you can use my rooms, or one of the other guest rooms if you want. Or stay at J's, with Lance and Chris. Or ... get yourself a hotel. Like you normally ... like you used to." He was breathing heavily when he finished that speech.

"Jace ... " said Joey gently, opening his eyes and looking at him and struggling to see the JC he recognized. "You know why ... you know it's not like that now. I'm trying, here, I really am." He would have asked JC if *he* was trying, but it would have been too much, right then. "A week's all I could manage, on such short notice. If you want me here longer, I'll stay. We'll work it out."

JC blinked. "Would you?" he wondered out loud. "Well. We'll see." Then he winced as he tried to square his shoulders, exhaling breathily. "You'll be bored."

"Yeah, I'd be bored to tears," said Joey, smiling at him. "I'd still do it. And I'd sit right here and make you listen to my new songs -- yeah, I know you hate the shit, C -- and you'd be so annoyed you'd get well just to get away from it. Love you, man."

"You're wasting your voice," JC complained, and Joey smiled. It was exactly the reaction he'd hoped for, exactly the reaction the old JC would have given him. "And you know it. God, you drive me crazy."

"*Chris* likes my band," Joey teased him, and ruffled his hair gently, the only part of JC that he was sure woudln't hurt. "I think he secretly gets off on the fact that I play clubs now. You know I'm good at it, C. I like it." He grinned at him, and it was easier now. "The music *and* the driving you crazy."

He saw it coming, saw JC smile back and shift to try and lift his arm to bat him away. Saw the look of pain cross his face when he did and saw the soft cry escape his lips before he heard it. And then he couldn't see anything but the tears welling in JC's eyes.

He had no idea what to do, didn't want to have to call Justin or Chris who would both look at him accusingly, he was sure, like he'd done something to make JC cry. "Is there something I can give you?" he asked finally, lifting his hand away and looking around fhe room for a tissue or something to gently wipe away those tears. "You must have painkillers?"

"Yeah," JC panted softly, "but ... you know you have to give them to me. I'm ... not ... I can't do it myself." He closed his eyes again, gritted his teeth. "The bottle with the blue and white caps, Joey." Then he started crying softly.

Joey got up quickly, feeling tears welling up in his own eyes, and was grateful to have an excuse to turn away and scrub them clear. He grabbed the pills, and the glass of water with the straw, and the box of kleenex that was right beside those. Obviously he wasn't the first of them to be in this exact position. "How many?" he asked as he turned back around, opening the bottle.

JC laughed, tightly, more a bark than anything else. "Where've you been," he exhaled."Just one. Justin counts those every hour." When Joey turned back around, JC had moved his head and was staring straight at the ceiling. "You have to ... like, lift my head. I'm sorry." A slow flush formed on his face, visible beneath the bruising.

Joey did it without a word, didn't really trust himself to speak, and tried to show JC that it was fine. That he would be fine. That there were all there for him, no matter what. "There, like that?" he asked, lifting the pill to JC's lips, ready to reach for the water once JC had it in his mouth. He knew he would had hated being this helpless; it was no surprise that JC did, too.

JC closed his eyes and took the pill in his mouth, acccepting the straw between his lips afterwards and swallowing gingerly. Then he looked like he was just trying to breathe normally. "Okay ... you know that wasn't your fault, right?"

"I know," said Joey, but he knew he didn't sound convincing. He knew it wasn't his fault that JC had needed the pill just now, but everything else ... how could he *not* blame himself for having at least a small part in what had happened to JC. "So how would you like me to entertain you, since I'm forbidden to sing in your presence ever again?"

"Ha ha," JC whispered. "I think ... you don't have to do anything. Just ... would you get in trouble, if you came up here with me? God knows I don't want the bruises I'm sure Lee would love to add to my collection."

"It wouldn't be you that'd be bruised," muttered Joey, setting the water down beside the bed and standing up again. "But what Lee doesn't know won't hurt him. Um ... how can I do this?" He looked at the bed skeptically. "I don't want to hurt you."

JC was watching him with sad eyes. "You can't," he said, the words deep with meaning. "Not like that." He waited until Joey had knelt on the bed, still trying to figure out how to slip in beside him. "You can say stuff like that, about the bruising, around me, Joey. But I don't think I need to tell you that if you slip and say it around Justin or, god forbid, Chris ... you'd be minus a boyfriend."

Joey fell silent for a moment, feeling his neck flush an angry, humiliated red, and sat down on his heels again beside JC. "You don't have to ... Jace. JC." He sighed, letting out a loud whoosh of air. "I mean, Chris heard me fighting on the phone wtih him. He already doesn't like him much. But Lee's not really a bad guy ... " He stretched out on the bed, on top of the covers and wondered what the right way to touch JC would be.

His smile was still breathtaking, when JC wanted it to be. "Joey, shut up," he said. "Just ... shut up. You know how I feel. And it's only because I ... care for you, the way I do, that I haven't told Chris and the guys about Lee. Which, by the way, they think is weird. So just ... don't bother defending him to me. Don't ... insult me like that."

"You don't know him," said Joey weakly, but he let it go. JC knew him well enough, and better than Joey had wanted him to. Then all at once it occurred to him that the first thing Lee might do was call Graham to find out where Joey could be reached. And Graham would tell him, no questions asked. And -- fuck! -- the number Joey had left was *Chris's* cell phone. "Fuck," he breathed aloud, closing his eyes.

"What," JC murmured, facing Joey. He could practically feel his breath on his face. "You that upset about me not being the best of pals with Lee? Think I'm underestimating him?"

"No, it's not ... " began Joey, then shook his head. If it happened, it happened, and there was nothing he could do about it now that didn't require coming clean with Chris. "Is this comfortable? Should I move? Just let me know, Jace."

JC smiled again, willing to be distracted, apparently. "I'm good," he whispered. "This is ... good. I'm ... I'll probably fall asleep," he warned. "Those pills. Are you ... " He bit his lip, and his eyes were *so* *blue*. "I hope you'll stay, Joey. Here. Not to take care of me, or whatever, but just because ... you should be able to."

"If that's an invitation, I'll take it," said Joey, petting his hair gently, looking into those eyes that seemed to be the only untouched part of his body. "You go ahead and go to sleep. You need it. I'll be here when you wake up, Jace. Maybe not here on the bed ... but here."

"It was an invitation earlier," JC murmured, his eyes drooping as he turned his face ever-so-slightly under Joey's touch. "Now it's ... a favor. That you'll do for me 'cause you still love me."

"Of course I do," said Joey, continuing to stroke his head. "I'll always love you, JC, that never changed and it never will. Shhh, now. Sleep."

"Wait," he breathed, obviously fighting the drugs. "Make sure ... you let Chris come in ... before he leaves. He'll ... if he thinks I didn't ask to see him, he'll be upset."

"I will," promised Joey soothingly. "I don't think we'll be going anywhere for a while. I promise."

"I love you too, Joey," murmured JC, so low that Joey could barely hear. "I wish ... " And that was it, his words trailed off as he began breathing softly through his mouth.

It was only when he was sure that JC was sleeping that Joey finally let himself cry, and was glad that there was no one there to see it. He slipped off the bed, carefully not to wake JC, and grabbed a couple of tissues before leaving the room. Closing the door quietly, he leaned against the wall outside of it and let the tears come.

* * *

Chris didn't watch Joey walk out by the pool to get to the guest wing where JC was, couldn't watch him. He closed his eyes and sought out Justin, instead. Needed Justin and his big hands and his sweet face and his big hands. Justin. Justin. "Justin?" he called quietly, when he didn't find him in JC's tiny studio.

"Chris?" He heard Justin's voice come from somewhere nearby, behind him. "I'm in here. I thought you were with Joey?"

He exhaled shakily, willing himself not to whirl around and grab the man. "Hey, Jup," he murmured instead, hugging his arms around his own chest, peeking his head back through the door. "I am. I was. I ... brought him. It wasn't ... we weren't right, maybe, not letting them see each other."

"Shit, are you sure?" Justin was wiping his hands on a towel; he wasn't sure what he'd been up to. "Chris, we talked about this, we agreed ... " He seemed to peer closer then, though. "You okay?"

"Yeah," Chris said, shaking his head 'no' and smiling lopsidedly when it made Justin laugh. Some things never changed. "That was ... okay, next time *you* get the ex-lover detail, and I get the invalid. Who also, I guess, is the ex-lover, so maybe I should shut up."

"Yes, shut up," agreed Justin, finally grabbing him and pulling him into his arms and holding him tight. "Was it bad?"

"No," Chris said, shaking his head yes against Justin's shirt and not caring that it was a muffled response anyway. "I really ... we might be wrong about him, kid. About the whole thing. I mean ... we'll have to see what happens, with JC, but ... we might be wrong."

"Nah," said Justin, giving him an affectionate shake that felt so good, and strong, and confident. "We're never wrong. What makes you think we are? I mean, you were as sure as I was, before."

Chris bit his lip, wondering if he could, if he*should* tell Justin about his fears about this boyfriend -- asshole -- of Joey's. "I just mean ... he might come back, but I think ... I think maybe the JC approach isn't such a swell one."

Justin gave his back a gentle pat then pulled away to meet him face to face again, looking awfully confused. "Why?" he asked. "It's his closest tie. They *kissed*. If anything's gonna get him back for us, it's gonna be getting back with JC again."

"He says he doesn't want to," Chris explained, knowing it sounded like he didn't understand it -- or believe it -- any more than Justin would. "He said it wasn't that kind of kiss, and that JC hurt him too bad, and they need to be friends, and he needs to be gay, and blah blah blah."

"What do you mean he needs to be gay? He *is* gay, that's no secret." Justin shook his head, then just smiled through his confusion. "Maybe he just hasn't admitted it yet. Maybe it *is* good that he's here." Then he shrugged. "And maybe we're wrong, I guess."

"He thinks," Chris said carefully, "that JC broke up with him because he didn't want to be with a guy. Not like that. And ... dude, he had *no* clue about me and Jace. None. Like, practically imploded when he realized we'd slept together, let alone ... I don't know *what* he'd do if he found out about you too."

"The hell?" said Justin, staring at him incredulously. "JC, not wanting to be with guys? Like that'd ever happen. Why would Joey even think that? It doesn't make any sense."

"Cause he *said* it, doofus. When they broke up." Chris sighed and slumped against the wall. "And I guess he didn't, really. Not back then. Joey's just ... either not getting how different JC is, how different them breaking up made him, or ... or like I said. We're wrong."

"Or both?" offered Justin, leaning against the wall next to him. "Huh. Doesn't seem so black and white anymore, does it? I dunno, Chris. What do you think we should do?" He hand crept over and he laced his fingers with Chris's; Chris let him.

And gave him what he hoped was a sweet smile, too. His Justin. "Well ... I'm not giving up on that yet, I don't think. There's a lot of ... something, still, between JC and Joey. We gotta see how that plays out. And then there's some other stuff. And then ... hell, I may just sic you on him, Baby. God knows none of the rest of us can turn you down."

Justin grinned back and waggled his eyebrows at him. "And I wouldn't have it any other way," he said, squeezing Chris's hand. "But Joey ... I don't know, you're right about needing to see how the JC thing plays out. There's such a history there. So ... what's this other stuff?"

Justin *still* looked so innocent, even as a full-fledged adult, that Chris still hesitated to tell him his suspicions about Joey's 'boyfriend.' He sighed. "Has he talked to you about Lee?" Maybe he was the only one being kept in the dark. "Or ... I mean, had JC told you anything, either? Like why he doesn't like him?"

"Who's Lee?" asked Justin guilelessly, giving Chris half a shrug. "Is that one of the guys in Joey's band? Why doesn't JC like him?"

So Justin didn't know any more than he did. "Lee is Joey's boyfriend, J. The one that C doesn't like. I was just wondering if maybe he'd told you why."

Justin frowned and shook his head. "No, he didn't say much about Joey's boyfriend at all. Hell, I didn't even know his name. Are they serious? Cause that's kinda weird ... that Joey wouldn't say himself if this guys was serious ... That kinda changes things."

"Seriously an asshole," Chris muttered. "I didn't know his name, either ... look, Joey is pretty, like, defensive about it, but I don't think ... he's not the great love of his life. Don't worry your pretty head about trying to break them up. Which, I guess, is what we're doing."

"Well, okay," said Justin, sounding a bit dubious about it. "What else is going on with him that we just don't know about? I'm ... I'm tired of him being gone." And they both knew he didn't just mean physically. "And I wish it hadn't taken something like *this* -- god, JC --- to bring him back but if it has, I'm gonna take it."

Chris smiled gently and took the opportunity to wrap Justin up in a brief hug. He felt exactly the same way. "We *don't* feel bad about trying to break them up, right?" he pressed. "It's ... not only for us, anymore. I think it's for his own good too."

"I'm gonna trust you on that," said Justin, showing his unwavering faith in Chris. "I don't know what you mean, when you talk about them. but you wouldn't fuck around with Joey if you didn't think we're doing the right thing."

"I know we are, Baby," he murmured, then stood up on his tiptoes for a kiss, tugging Justin down to meet him by his collar. "You know, I don't think he knows about *any* of us, now. Like ... has no clue." He chuckled when Justin blinked at him. "He said he knew we were 'open' and he didn't want any part of that."

"You're kidding me," said Justin, staring at him, not stupidly, but in amusement. "How could he have missed all this? It's not like we *never* saw him. Was he just ... not looking?"

"Didn't want to see," Chris guessed, chuckling at himself and how melodramatic he sounded. "I kind of ... hinted, to him, about ... having all of us ... but ... " He shrugged and slipped a hand under Justin's shirt. "I don't know. I think it didn't sound right, coming from me, or something. And then he just gave me some line about not dating friends, or something. Like that's what we are! Friends."

"Well, if he has a boyfriend, maybe he just wasn't ready to hear it," said Justin with another shrug and a smile and, while he still looked concerned about everything that was going on, he looked just a little *more* interested in tugging Chris closer. "We'll just have to remind him who we are to him, is all. He's been away long enough to forget."

Chris nodded. "I know. But now, with JC ... I mean, it's given us this opportunity, to have him close and he won't run, but ... now it can't be JC that approaches him with it. You know? And I don't know ... which of us, then ... " He rubbed a thumb across Justin's belly, smirked when he doubled up slightly.

"Well, you got him this far," Justin reminded him, swatting playfully at his hand and obviously struggling not to giggle. "And calm enough, to feel okay letting him go in and see JC? That's something, Chris."

"Yeah, it's something," Chris muttered, trying not to feel like he'd bullied Joey into behaving. "Look ... maybe you could ... take over? Like ... invite him to stay at your place, and then ... then just convince him. In your own special way."

Justin sighed and smiled at him. "I could," he said, reaching an arm around Chris's waist and holding him comfortably. "If you really don't want to do it, Chris. But it seems to me like maybe ... he trusts you more than the rest of us right now. I think. Maybe. So just be sure."

"He does *not* trust me," Chris snorted. "He's ... scared of me, maybe. And ... you know I can't do that comfort thing the way you or Jace does it, J. I'm no good at it. And I think Joey needs touchy-feely stuff, so he can see. What this is."

Justin nodded and tugged him closer again. "I will, then," he said, then laughed. "Like it's a *chore* to be told to seduce Joey." He rested his chin on Chris's shoulder and squeezed. "Wow, baby, you vibrating just for me?"

"Wha- oh," Chris said, only feeling his phone ring in the pocket of his coat when Justin pulled them together. "Shit, forgot I turned off the ringer." He pushed Justin away reluctantly and looked at it. And frowned. He didn't recognize the number, but it was a 212 area code. Which pretty much meant it was a call for Joey.

Justin stared at him, then poked him. "See, the way these things work is that they ring, and then you answer them. And you can talk to people far away that way. They're a really neat invention, Chris ... or do you just use yours as a vibrator?"

"Ha ha," Chris said wryly, staring at it another second before hitting the 'talk' button. "Hello?" he said, hoping very much it was one of Joey's relatively-cool bandmates. Which, of course, it wasn't. "Put Joey on," the voice on the other end of the phone demanded. Chris reached out for Justin again, digging his fingers into his friend's forearm to ground himself. "May I ask who's calling, please?" he taunted. He knew perfectly well who it was. And he had one chance to convince Chris that he was wrong about him before he hung up.

"Who the fuck is *this*," Lee retorted snidely. "Look, this is Joey's boyfriend, punk, and I already had to waste half an hour tracking down this number, so don't make it worse for him by being a little shit. Just put Joey on the phone, or ..." Chris barely heard the last sentence before he'd pulled the phone away from his ear, ended the call, and shut it off completely. And stared at the floor.

"What?" asked Justin after a moment of dead silence. "It wasn't another fucking reporter was it? God, why can't they just leave us all alone ... ?"

"No, no," Chris whispered. "No, although they've been calling Joey too. No. That was ... " He sighed, trying to decide whether he wanted to say who it was. "That was the infamous Lee."

"Okay, I know you don't think they're right for each other and all," Justin said slowly, his eyes darting to the phone and then back up to Chris's face again, "but you probably shouldn't be hanging up on him ... "

"He's a ... he's not good for him, Justin," Chris said awkwardly, twisting the phone in his hands. "He ... yelled at Joey for coming down here, and ... other stuff ... and Joey didn't give him my number. So I don't think he wanted him calling."

"Yeah, but ... " began Justin, but Chris could see him getting angrier, see a flush starting up from his neck. "He yelled at him? For going to see a friend in the hospital? That's so fucked up. What was he calling about, just now?"

"I don't know," Chris said honestly. "He didn't say. Probably just to scream and demand that Joey go home, or whatever." He slumped against the wall. "See? See why we need to do this, Justin?" He felt very old, and very very tired. WHat happened to JC, on top of finding out about Joey's abusive boyfriend ... he didn't know what to do.

Justin hugged him again. "You're right," he said easily, trustingly. "We do. *You* do. You should probably ... warn him, I guess, that Lee called."

"He's in with JC," Chris reminded him softly, keeping Justin close. "I don't want to interrupt. Maybe come wait with me? And ... and then after I tell him, you can, uh. Offer him a backrub. Or something." He tried a weak smile.

Justin looked amused again. "I'll walk you over," he promised. "I need to look in on JC anyway. It's just about time for him to take some more pills."

"When's Lance coming," Chris mumbled, letting Justin pull him away from the wall but continuing to hang off him as he pulled them both toward JC's room. "You need some sleep too, Baby. I don't want two of my boys ... I just want you healthy."

"I'm doing fine," Justin promised him with a light kiss to his forehead. "Lance is still on press duty until tonight. Spend some time worrying about yourself, too, Chris ... you're starting to look a little strung out."

He wished he could share the reason for that with Justin, but he knew he'd only be doing it to lighten the burden on his own conscience. Which wasn't very fair. He pulled Justin's face down for another soft kiss as they rounded the corner.

"Oh," came Joey's voice, soft and hoarse. When Chris pulled away from Justin and looked up, Joey was scrubbing at his eyes and already looking away again. "I think," said Justin, to Chris's frustration, "this is where I get out of everyone's way." He kissed Chris's cheek then fled up the hall, pausing only to silently squeeze Joey's shoulder before slipping into JC's room.

"Um," Chris started, trying to let his eyes rest anywhere except the obvious trail of tears on Joey's face. "So. Did you get to talk at all, or ... was he sleeping, or ... " He stepped closer, cautiously. "I think he feels better, Joe. I know it looks bad."

"Yeah, we talked, " said Joey, shifting awkwardly and scrubbing at his face again. "We talked about ... things. He's sleeping now, though. I gave him his pill; I hope I was supposed to." He sniffled again. "You should've said something ... about his voice. I wasn't ready for that."

A fresh wave of guilt washed over Chris, and he bit his lip hard. JC's voice ... that was the one thing that Chris still refused to acknowledge. Refused to talk to anyone about. Refused to listen to the doctors when they hemmed and hawed on the prognosis. "I know," he said, numbly, walking closer. He didn't have anything to say in his own defense.

"I held it together, though," Joey went on, staring downward at his feet. "I held it together for him and we talked. He hasn't ... hasn't been sleeping long. He just kinda dropped off. Fuck. Can I go kill someone now?"

"You talked?" Chris repeated, thinking that maybe meant what he hoped it did. "And ... Joe, come on. You need to calm down. I really ... I already had to pull Justin off the ledge, like, twice. I don't need to worry about holding you back too."

"How can I not be fucking *angry* after seeing him like that?" asked Joey, his eyes shooting up. "How can anyone? Fuck, Chris, I ... fuck. You know I'm a pussycat. But very bad things should happen to those fuckers."

"Why, because they bullied someone who wouldn't or couldn't stand up for himself?" Chris snapped back, not having wanted to confront Joey about ... that ... like that, but angry himself at the implication that - what, he didn't care about JC because he wasn't spitting mad? "God, why does *that* sound familiar."

Joey narrowed his eyes at him. "And what the fuck is *that* supposed to mean?" he asked; it was obviously a struggle to keep from raising his voice. "No one does that to JC, Chris, and gets away with it. He's ... he's JC. He doesn't deserve that."

"And you do?" Chris replied incredulously, cursing himself for not stopping but not being able to. Not once he started. Which is why he wished Justin had stayed. "Whatever. Your abusive fuck of a boyfriend called, by the way. I hung up on his ass. But, here ... " -- he pulled out his phone and threw it -- hard -- at Joey -- " ... in case seeing Jace didn't hurt enough, why don't you call him back and get punsihed some more."

"Ow, fuck!" said Joey, missing catching the phone. It slammed into his shoulder and fell to the floor. "Chris ... you don't know what you're talking about. You *really* don't know what the fuck you're talking about there. He's not ... " He broke off and grimaced. "What the fuck was he doing calling you?"

"I don't know," Chris mumbled, even more weary, slumping against the wall. "Looking for you, obviously. Look, Joey ... maybe I don't know what I'm talking about. I mean, I don't have any personal experience, but I know what I heard, and now I know that some of the little things JC has let slip make a lot more sense. But if it's not something you're ... I can't make you talk to me."

"JC said he didn't -- " Joey blurted out before stopping himself, his expression hardening. "You don't need to worry about me, Chris, I can take care of myself just fine. Lee is just pissed off 'cause I didn't ask him -- tell him -- about leaving so suddenly."

"You think that's supposed to make me feel better, relieved?" Chris scoffed. "God, Joey. If it was the kind of guy you should be with, it wouldn't be a matter of telling him you were leaving. He would have been the first person you called, and he would have dropped anything to come *with* you. Just like ... just like you dropped everything to come be with us."

Joey crossed his arms over his chest and whole whole posture just screamed defensiveness. "Lee had things to do," he muttered. "He's working and all. And ... JC probably wouldn't've wanted him here anyway ... "

"Yeah, probably not," Chris agreed. "C's a good judge of character, though, man. And ... I was giving you the benefit of the doubt, believe me, cause he can also be a jealous cat, but ... Joey," he pleaded, "what are you *doing* with this guy? Seriously?"

"What, you think it's easy, finding people to be with with my schedule, my history?" he said, still muttering. "Shit, Chris, I went through a half dozen guys who just wanted to suck my cock on their way up the ladder to stardom before finally finding someone who didn't give a fuck who I am, or who I was."

"Or give a fuck *about* you," Chris replied. "Look ... I can't hear this, okay? These ... weak-assed excuses and defenses. I love you, Joey. Lance loves you. Justin loves you. Without a doubt and forever, JC loves you. How do you think it makes any of us feel that you'd rather be with someone like that, just to be able to say you've moved on from your 'history,' huh?"

"Just ... don't," said Joey, waving a hand at Chris and squeezing his eyes shut. "I wasn't good enough for JC and obviously I'm not good enough for you guys, either, that you'd rather be with him. So just ... let me have *this* at least, okay? Let me have what I've got."

"We'd *rather* be with both of you," Chris blurted, then closed his eyes. Justin really, really should have been the one to do this. "But ... okay, putting that aside for the moment ... seriously, dude. Lee? Don't make me get all movie-of-the-week on you."

"You've never even met him," said Joey, shaking his head disbelievingly. At the whole thing, probably. "You think I would have gotten with a guy who was a total shit, all the time? Give me a little credit at least, Chris."

"I sure as hell didn't think you'd get with a guy who was a shit *any* of the time, actually," Chris complained. "And the fact I haven't met him ... that's just another example, not an excuse, okay? God." He shook his head, and walked over to pick his phone up off the floor by Joey's feet.

"He's just got a quick temper," said Joey as Chris stood up again. "He doesn't always mean it. Come on, Chris, we've all known people like that. And sometimes ... we just take what we can get. I mean, of course I love all you guys, but ... there are times when you want that person who you'll wake up with in the morning, who'll fuck you up against the wall. You know?"

Chris stared at him in disbelief. "Okay, you do realize you sound like the fucking *poster* child for domestic abuse, here, right? 'He doesn't always mean it?' God!" He turned away, practically shaking with rage. "I can't even ... I'm sorry. I know I need to be ... supportive, of you, but I can't do this right now. I've gotta ... " He needed to see his JC.

"Yeah, well, we all know how great a track record you guys have of being supportive of me," snapped Joey. "You just do whatever the fuck it is you need to do, Chris. I need to go find a room to stay in, and then call my boyfriend. See ya."

Chris bit his lip, bit his tongue, anything to choke back the way he wanted to sob. He'd messed everything up. "Are ... wait, Joey ... are you staying here?"

"Yeah," said Joey, and his voice sounded more distant now. Chris hadn't even heard him walking away. "JC invited me to say, and seems I have nowhere else to go anyway. Why? What does it matter?"

"I just ..." He slumped futher against the wall. "I need to talk to you ... one of us does, I mean. And I didn't want to be the reason you left. And ... because I care, okay? About what happens to you."

"Yeah, I can tell how much you care," said Joey, sounding so bitter Chris could feel it. "How much did you piss him off on the phone, Chris? Just so I know what I'm in for when I call."

"I didn't say anything," he whispered sadly. "I just ... hung up. And turned off the phone. Joey ... " He finally looked back up, pleading with him. "Please don't, okay? Please don't call him. Please, just ... let me go get Justin. Or ... come with me to check on JC. Or wait right here while I call Lance and tell him to come over early. Please."

"Why?" asked Joey again. "Why bother, Chris? Go spend some time with JC ... it's obvious that's where you want to be. I have things I need to do."

To his embarassment, tears started welling in Chris's eyes. But he was *so* tired, and *so* disappointed in himself. And knew he was failing JC, and Justin and Lance, and most of all Joey. And he couldn't remember if Joey had ever seen him cry, and didn't care. "Please," he said again.

"Shit, Chris," said Joey with a sigh, his voice getting closer again, thank God. "What the fuck? I don't get it? What do you *want* from me?"

"You," he admitted, sniffling himself now that Joey had stopped. He blinked at him. "I want you -- *we* want you. Back." He tried a weak smile. "Stop pushing us away. Stop ... trying to forget us, with people who couldn't be more different than us."

"Well you have a funny way of showing it," snorted Joey, still looking far too dubious. "I'm the one that felt forgotten, Chris, with you guys always -- even before I knew just *what* you were doing for him -- just always fawning over JC. Like I'd been the bad guy. I don't see where you have the right to tell me I'm the one that pushed *you* away."

"We *didn't*," Chris cried gently, finally slumping all the way to the floor. "Joey, we *didn't* ... not until you left. Do you know ... do you even have a clue ... how much that hurt all of us? We didn't fawn over *him*, we ... fawned over each other. Trying to make up for the empty space where you were supposed to be."

"No one ever told me they missed me," said Joey, his eyes so dark, so ... angry? "Not for a long time. No one ever called me and asked me what happened. None of you called and asked if *I* was okay. So don't just ... don't just tell me that it's my fault, when no one ever called to get me back, back when you still could have had me."

It sounded so final, so ... resigned and bitter and *final*, that Chris couldn't respond. It shouldn't have been Joey. It never should have been Joey. And maybe they *had* been too proud, thinking he would be the one to cave -- well, they were paying for it now. That sob he'd been holding back escaped, and he curled his knees to his chest and buried his head and bawled.

"Do you want me to get Justin for you?" asked Joey, his voice frighteningly bland. He didn't touch Chris, didn't even lean over towards him. "Never mind, he's just in the next room, he'll probably hear you soon enough. Tell JC I'm sorry I couldn't stick around; I think I need to go home, Chris. Lee may not be much, but he lets me know I'm his."

Chris's shoulders shook harder as he fought himself to just stop. "How?" he hiccuped, looking up through blurry eyes. "How can you leave? How can you say that we never showed you that you were ours? All of ours?" His voice was rising, higher and more shrill than normal, and he almost hoped Justin *did* hear him. "How can you pretend, still, that wherever we are isn't your real home?"

"Because you let me go," said Joey, his voice and face still so absent of emotion Chris had to wonder what one he was hiding. And just when he'd learned how to do it. "You let me go quietly and no one even put up a fight, and I realized that maybe I wasn't wanted here, after all. That you'd all made your choice, and it wasn't me. You were always against us being together, thought it would split up the group. And I guess in the end you were right, it did."

"That's the ... God," Chris whispered, rubbing at his eyes before letting his head drop back against the wall. "How many times can I ... can any of us ... say I'm sorry? That we were wrong, the way we acted? Because ... it was never that, Joey. It was never that you weren't wanted." He exhaled shakily. "Please. I'm so bad at this, but please. Don't hurt them because I say the wrong things."

Joey's jaw tightened and he closed his eyes and shook his head. "I don't want you to say you're sorry," he said. "I wasn't good enough for JC, for *any* of you, and that's that. Sure, you like me well enough, but I was always -- and still am -- the fuck up. I have a lousy relationship and it's my fault that JC got hurt and it's probably my fault that the group broke up, too. So just ... don't. Don't fucking say you're sorry. Not now."

"Okay," Chris cried, afraid that he was going to reach over and grab Joey's pants to keep him from leaving, if it came down to that. "God, okay! I'm ... I'm not sorry, then. Just ... you think we think you're a fuck-up, we can ... we can talk about that, maybe. All of us. But this thing with Lee ... Joey, listen to *me* now. You were too *good* for any of us, then. You knew what you wanted and we couldn't be that. It's ... don;t you see it's the other way around? You need to be looking for someone *better*. Not someone worse."

"I didn't go *looking* for someone worse," Joey spat out incredulously. But at least he wasn't going anywhere. "I went looking for someone who ... I always know where I stand with him, Chris. Whenever anything ever happens, anything bad, it's at least not a surprise. And when it's not a surprise, when you see it coming, it just ... it hurts less." And less than a second later Joey's fist slammed against the wall above Chris's head.

Chris flinched, he knew he did, but he also forced himself to look up. To try and see something in Joey's expression that would explain what he was doing, why he was trying to scare him. "Do you need to hit me?" he asked finally, tears still wetting his cheeks. "Justin's going to be out here in two seconds. Better make it fast."

"I'm not going to fucking hit you!" said Joey, his voice finally strained. "With JC black and blue in the next room, you think I'm going to *hit* you? Fuck, Chris. No. Jesus. Fuck you."

"What, then?" he asked, his own voice getting calmer as Joey's got more ragged. He pushed himself to his feet. "Want to squeeze my neck until you do probably-irreparable damage to *my* windpipe, so *I* probably can't sing again?"

"Fuck! What's *wrong* with you?" asked Joey, spreading his fingers as he pulled his hand away from the wall, obviously in pain. "Why the fuck do you think I'm going to hurt you? I'm going, Chris. I'm going. Bye." And he started backing away.

Chris stood still. "How many times can I say please," he said clearly. "You told me I wasn't allowed to apologize, so how many times can I beg, instead?" He knew he didn't *sound* like he was begging, but he also knew that Joey knew him, would know how rare it was for him to ask for anything. Let alone admit to begging.

"I don't understand," said Joey, taking another step back, holding his hand stiffly. "I don't *understand*. I don't get why you want me here, what you want from me, what you want me to *do*. I have a life in New York. Even without Lee, the band's there, and my friends ... are you asking me to give everything up, and come back to something that it feels like rejected me before? With no promises and no explanations? Why?"

"I have promises for you," replied Chris simply. Honestly. "I have promises that ... you'll have promises, Joey. You'll have explanations. You'll ... you can even have your life in New York. You *should*. I'm ... you know I live in LA. I'm not here. And you know Lance is ... well, everywhere. He doesn't have a house here either. I'm not ... *we're* not ... asking you to give anything up." He took a breath. "Well, no. We are. One thing."

"Go on," said Joey, freezing where he stood. Chris knew he knew what was coming. "Explain this to me. Use little words to make sure I get it. I *do not* know what's going on here, Chris. Why I ... why I matter so much, suddenly."

"Maybe two things," Chris mumbled, then forced himself to be brave, to do this alone when he'd thought he'd have someone ... hopefully three someones ... next to him when he did it. Forced himself to meet Joey's eyes. "We're not ... right, without you, Joey. We ... the four of us ... want you to come back. And be with us. Um. All of us. In ... every way you can imagine that meaning."

Joey stared at him, blinked twice, then kept staring. "Okay, yeah, those were little words," he said finally. "I'm still not sure I get it. Or ... I think I do, but I can't really believe what I'm hearing. You want ... with me ... with all of us? Are you guys already ... ?"

"You saw me and Justin," Chris pointed out softly. "That was ... yeah, we are already. Kind of. As ... as much as we can without you. It's ... a little complicated. And maybe hasn't gone as far as it could, yet. But ... if you come back ... we all think it will."

"Wow," said Joey softly, looking utterly stunned. "I didn't ... this is crazy, Chris. *All* of you? All of *us*? I don't ... " He laughed, obviously to cover his confusion. "I have no idea what to say. What does a person *say* to that?"

"Well, they either say they want to," Chris replied, looking at his hands, "or they say it's crazy. I guess ... I guess it's pretty clear where you're heading." He sighed, knowing that he couldn't have expected Joey to jump at the idea, but he hadn't really expected that level of surprise. Didn't he remember what it already was like, before he left? And so maybe it was never quite that *physical*, but it was everything but.

"It's not even clear to me, so how can it be clear to you?" Joey challenged him, his voice growing more confident again. "You ... you know how I feel, Chris. I just told you how I've been feeling this whole time, not even *knowing* you'd want me here, not knowing if I was any good to you guys. Do you think you can just spring this on me and I'll know what I want to do? What the right thing is?"

"No," admitted Chris. "None of us thought you'd ... know what you wanted. You just don't seem ... open to it, really. Which -- I know we're springing this on you; *I'm* springing this on you. It wasn't how it was supposed to happen. But JC ... I couldn't let you leave again."

"I need to sit down," said Joey, running a shaky hand through his already-mussed hair and sliding down with his back to the wall until his ass hit the floor. "Jesus, Chris. How am I supposed to ... ? Why should I believe this, after everything that's happened over the last few years? I don't understand. i just don't. You guys have never wanted me before ... it was all about him."

Chris clenched his jaw. He didn't know how else he could explain that; that they were with JC because Joey had left. Left all of them, not just JC. "You don't know that we've never wanted you," he said clearly. "This will ... go a lot better, I think, if we both try not to make too many guesses about ... about the other person's intentions. Now *or* then."

"You can't just tell me to forget everything I've thought for the last few years," said Joey, though, shaking his head at him. "What you've let me think. Whether I was right or wrong ... that's what happened. Are ... are you serious about this Chris? Cause I couldn't take it ... if what happened before happened again."

"Of *course* I'm serious," Chris breathed. "Like, dead serious. You know me ... do you think I could even think of ... like, fucking around right now? With all of us all on edge because of Jace? Would it ... help, maybe, to hear it from someone else?"

"I don't know," said Joey, his head hanging down, staring at the floor between his knees. "You guys have this all planned out before I got here? What you were going to say, how you were going to approach it? I *do* know you, Chris. Or at least, I did. And you *would* fuck around, play a joke, if you were stressed out enough. Like now."

"Fuck you," Chris blurted, stung, flinching. "God. Just fuck you. You don't ... you know, there was a reason this wasn't supposed to be me, doing this. Just ... it's hard for me to want to bother, with you throwing everything I say back in my face."

Joey just nodded, like he'd been expecting that. "Then don't bother, Chris," he said quietly. "If it's an effort, then it's not something you really want to be doing in the first place. Let's just ... leave things the way they were. Where i have someone waiting for me when I go home, and my best friends can't hurt me anymore."

"It's *wasn't* something I wanted to be doing in the first place," Chris cried, agreeing. "It was something I wanted JC to be doing. But I don't get to have that. And neither do you, which is sad, because I guess he could probably pass your little test." He covered his face. "Are we even still your best friends? At all?"

Joey looked up and looked so, so sad. "Yeah, you are," he said. "You always will be. But fuck Chris ... if you don't want me to be with you guys, then why'd you do all that in the first place, huh? Why ... why'd you make me start to believe it? Lee may beat the hell out of me, but at least he doesn't play these head games."

Chris felt fresh tears drip from his eyelashes. "Joey," he whispered. He'd been scared -- so scared -- that was what had been happening. With Lee. He'd just let himself start to hope it was only emotional abuse; psychological. "Please come home. We can help you. We want to help you. We *want* you to be with us ... I just didn't want to have the be the one to convince you. I ... didn't think I could."

"Help me?" repeated Joey, still looking at him, still with that same expression. "Is that what this is about, then? You want to help me? I'm already exactly where I deserve to be, Chris."

"Jesus fuck," Chris muttered, scrubbing at his eyes. "No. Are you just totally not listening to me? We *have* been planning this, for like ever. Since you left, practically, even if we didn't know it then. And we didn't know about Lee -- or I didn't, and J didn't -- until today. We *do* want to help you. But that's not what this is about."

"Less planning and more action might've done all of us a lot of good," muttered Joey, shaking his head and *still* not taking his eyes off Chris. "You don't ... you have no idea, what it's been like for me, do you?"

"Getting beat up by the person that's supposed to love you and take care of you?" Chris muttered, finally meeting his gaze. "No. Do you just want to punish us, too, Joey? I mean ... do you blame us for Lee? And so now you won't even ... come back to us, because of it?"

"Don't make it like I'm some battered spouse, Chris," he snapped. "You know me better than that. It's not about punishing you for something, okay? It's not about blaming you. It's just ... how what happened made me, is all. This is me now. Am I really a person you want, or do you have some idealized version of me in your heads, from before I started messing everything up for everyone?"

"*I'm* not the one making it like you're a battered spouse, Joe," Chris replied, a little calmer. "I haven't assumed anything about that. You're making *yourself* like that, and that attitude ... that *isn't* you, Joey. I don't care how badly we may have hurt you -- it wasn't intentional. What he does, is. *Especially* making you what you are, now." He ran a hand though his hair. "And we'd want you no matter what."

"I don't know why," said Joey again, shaking his head in disbelief over and over again. "I'm not being some stubborn ass, Chris, I just really don't."

Chris surprised himself by chuckling. "Because we *love* you. You think that leaving, even for years, made that stop? You can't get rid of us, we belong together, and ... and now that some of us have had the time to deal with what ... doing this ... means -- had a little more experience -- we're ready for you again. We've caught up."

"Lee will be so mad," said Joey softly. "Like ... *really* mad, if I don't go back to him this time ... "

"So?" Chris said, bluntly, sounding more like the Chris of old, even to himself. Encouraged by the way Joey was considering it. "So fucking what? He's an asshole and you know it. You *know* it. It's ... you know that even if you don't, uh, agree to what we're asking, we're still not letting you go back to him. We've looked away for too long."

"Things get ... bad, when he gets mad," Joey admitted, looking so fucking *defeated*. "I piss him off so much. God. I shouldn't even be thinking about this, but ... " He sighed, loudly. "I miss you guys. So much sometimes."

That was all it took, that was all Chris needed, to interpret that as Joey asking for help. And he did need it. He crawled over to where Joey still sat slumped, and cupped his face gently. He'd never known how to touch to comfort the way JC did. The way Joey himself had always been able to. But he was trying. "And we miss you," he said, carefully avoiding making any comments of his own about Lee.

"I never thought you did," said Joey; Chris took it as a good sign that Joey didn't pull away. "I always saw you guys and thought you were better off, when we were apart. I thought you all had everything you wanted."

"How could we, dumbass," Chris said gently, his own breathing quickening as he realized he was getting closer. Getting through, maybe, and maybe he hadn't fucked everything up. "Everything about the other guys just reminded me of you. And it was the same for them."

Joey closed his eyes. "This is a really fucked up situation, Chris," he whispered. "I'm still not sure I know what to do. How to do this."

"Shh," Chris said softly, rubbing his thumb over Joey's cheek, staring at his eyelashes. "I know. You need ... you need to talk to Lance, about what it means. And you need to let Justin wrap himself around you, to show you. And you need JC to ... explain how it wasn't the same without you. See? We'll help you."

"I do need to hear this from all of them," agreed Joey. "I still ... can't quite believe what you're asking. What you're offering. It's so ... huge."

Chris allowed himself a small smile. He knew Joey probably wouldn't decide right away, but ... he seemed so much more willing, more *trusting*, than he had. "It's really ... different," he admitted. "But it's been ... Joey, so wonderful, so far. None of us can wait to share it with you."

"I've always loved you guys," said Joey softly, "but I never thought ... hell, Chris, when did you all go gay?" He let his lips curl into a smile of his own, and suddenly *so* much of the pressure was off. "Can't say I saw *that* coming."

Chris blushed faintly, but forced himself to keep caressing Joey's face. He wondered if that had helped -- it certainly hadn't hurt. "I don't know," he replied honestly, shrugging. "It ... wasn't even about that, at first. And ... I can't really speak for the ... for Justin. I mean, Jace, and Lance, you already knew?"

"Well, obviously," said Joey with a brief snort. "How did it all happen, Chris? And how's it possible I didn't know ... until just right now?"

"That's ... a lot of questions," Chris squirmed. "And, uh, Lance was kinda supposed to be the one to answer them for you." He blinked at him, hoping his expression was sufficiently apologetic. "Got anything easier?"

"Sure," said Joey, shivering a little. "Why Lance? Is that, like, his job in this ... group? What's yours, then?"

Chris smiled fondly. "Our jobs ... are what they always were," he explained, shy again. Or still. "Lance ... he answers the questions. I'm more ... protect. I protect us, I guess." He couldn't believe that, when Lance explained it, but it seemed so natural to Justin and JC that he just figured he'd never known what his real role was, before.

Joey nodded his head, looking just as unsurprised as they had. "So what would that make mine now, then?"

"Keeping us happy," Chris told him, answering immediately and confidently. "We're ... not, without you. It's wonderful, this thing, but it isn't enough. It's more and deeper than what the five of us shared, but without you, it feels like so much less." He blushed again. "I know that sounded stupid. I really should call Lance."

"You're doing fine, on your own," Joey assured him unexpectedly. "And you've managed to get my mind off ... JC. Which is good. And ... I still don't know what to say, Chris. I don't know what to make of this. I don't know how to believe it."

Chris nodded, knowing that. "Don't say yes, or no," he murmured, his other hand coming up to Joey's face alongside the first. He knew what he had to do, what Joey needed to help him believe it. He was just *nervous.* The kiss he'd seen Justin give him was probably the first time he'd seen Chris seriously kissing a man. "Close your eyes."

Joey did, quite willingly. "Okay," he said, "but I know your surprises, Kirkpatrick, so there'd better not be anything wet and squirmy in my pants a few seconds from now. Aside from what's already there."

Chris exhaled, smiling at Joey's increasing comfort? ... then took the deep breath he needed to steel himself. "And shut up," he amended, before closing his own -- most of the way -- and leaning in. Tracing his thumb over Joey's lip to anchor himself, to guide himself. Wetting his own lips and pressing them gently and chastely to Joey's.

Joey didn't move at first, and Chris couldn't tell if he was surprised -- which he doubted; it had been pretty clear where he'd been heading -- or reluctant. But a moment later Joey's hand suddenly fisted in his shirt and held him there, prolonging the kiss.

JC had lain curled up around all of them -- individually, together -- and talked about Joey's kisses. Sharing what it had been like when they were together with the rest of them. But JC's description couldn't do it justice -- what it finally felt like to have Joey back under his hands, and what it felt like to have that soft, full mouth for the first time.

"I've missed you," whispered Joey as they finally broke apart, still holding each other so close, and his voice hitched before he got anything out. Chris couldn't see his eyes to be able to tell just how he was responding to the whole thing.

He pressed his nose to Joey's face, just inhaling the way he smelled, everything so familiar. "Me too," he murmured. "*Us* too. Oh ... Joey, this ... please try this." He *wouldn't* let him leave, now, he just hoped it would be because Joey wanted to stay.

"Please," Justin echoed him, causing both of their heads to snap up to face him. Chris hadn't even heard him come out of the room. Justin knelt down next to them but didn't touch either. "I don't know what Chris has said to you," he went on, quietly, "but I'm guessing that you know, now ... " Joey nodded. "And I want you do know that I want you to try, too. Please, Joey."

Chris turned back to Joey, even as he reached out his hand behind him to squeeze Justin's waist. He buried his face in Joey's warm, warm neck, and mouthed innocently at the skin. "I'm gonna stop," he murmured, just loud enough for Joey to hear. "Because this isn't what this is supposed to be about. I mean, I don't want you thinking this is what this is about."

"Everything okay out here?" asked Justin. "I heard some yelling ... Jace woke up for a bit." "I don't want to go back to him," Joey blurted out. Chris knew that Joey would probably take it back later, and it would be a struggle to convince him that he didn't need to go back to that, but there it was. Joey had said it and he and Justin had heard it and that was the last of the convincing that Chris needed to plunge on ahead.

"We know, Joe," Chris murmured, kissing him softly one last time on the throat before pulling back and sitting up. And tugging Justin closer. "We're okay, now, J," he promised, running a quick, familiar hand through Justin's curls and giving him a soft kiss on his temple. This was going to be the strange part; treating the rest of the guys like he usually did, without showing off how much more comfortable physically he was with them than Joey was, any more. He just hoped Joey would remember easily enough. "Here. Give Joey a kiss. Tell him he doesn't have to go anywhere he doesn't want to go."

"I don't need to be passed around," said Joey, but Justin was already smiling at him and leaning in and planting a brief, soft kiss on his lips. "Oh." "I don't need to be told, to want to kiss Joey," said Justin, still smiling, giving Chris's back a brief, affectionate caress. "And Joey already knows he can stay. Any time. Always."

Smiling to himself again, Chris thought that Justin couldn't have said anything more perfectly. And he couldn't hold back from kissing him then; it wouldn't have been honest and it wouldn't have been fair. He pulled Justin practically into his lap, and kissed him hard, letting their tongues touch. Inches away from Joey. "What time is Lance coming," he murmured into his mouth, winking at Joey over Justin's shoulder and giving Justin's ass a playful squeeze.

"He has a meeting with the press at seven," said Justin, smiling at him fondly. "He'll be back after; I promised him something decent to eat." When Chris looked, Joey's eyes were wider, staring at them, still surprised by what he was seeing, what was going on with them. But it was definitely more curious than wary. More interested than reluctant.

"Means you're not cooking, then," Chris teased, slapping Justin lightly on the hip. "Okay, big boy, get up." He looked warily at Joey, then back at Justin. "So, um ... Jace heard us ... is he back asleep? Or can I go see him." He was feeling it; feeling that he hadn't been in to check on him since they'd arrived.

"He was still awake when I came out," said Justin, his smile fading as he got up again. "Which doesn't mean anything; he could be gone again by now. You give him a pill, Joey?" Joey nodded, still staring. "Just one?" Joey nodded again. "Good. Okay."

Chris squeezed Joey's knee before getting to his feet too; letting Justin pull him up and pull him into a quick hug. "So!" he said, clapping his hands together, wondering what should happen next and knowing he was probably the one that would have to decide. "I should ... I need to check on him. Joey, are you ... I mean. You didn't really say. But I know JC would want you to stay here, if you ... if you'd like."

"I told him I would," said Joey, though given what he'd said before, that was no confirmation that he actually would. "I ...can't leave him when he's like this, no matter what kind of past we have ... " "None of us should leave him right now," said Justin, nodding his head approvingly. "He needs us -- all of us -- more than he ever has."

Chris thought about everything: his voice, his face, his back, and swallowed tightly. "I need to check on him," he repeated, a little more strangled. He looked at Joey pleadingly, then turned to Justin. "J, can you ... do you mind going with Joey to get him settled? Might as well put him in C's room. And then, if I'm not out when Lance gets here, come get me?"

Justin nodded at him, but Joey was the one to speak up. "He asked about you, when I was in there," he said, palming himself up the wall, struggling to his feet. He was staring at the floor again, though, his eyes avoiding both of them. "He wants to see you. I'll be fine, now."

Chris squinted at him, trying to read his tone, his body language. And trying not to be distracted by JC having asked for him. "I promised I'd be by earlier," he explained weakly, then exchanged a little bit of a worried expression with Justin. "Joey? I ... I really want to talk to you. About this. When Lance gets here. Is that okay?"

"I thought it was Lance's job to talk to me," said Joey softly, and it was Justin he reached out for as he said it. "But ... of course we will, Chris. Of course we will. I have a feeling we're going to be talking about this for a long time to come."

He glanced at Justin again, then walked closer and pulled Joey into a tight hug. Just a simple, honest embrace; the first one they'd had since he came back ... the first one they'd had in years. "I missed you," he whispered forcefully. "You look freaked, and I know it could be a lot of things, but I'm not ... I'm *not* choosing JC over you again, okay? I just have to see him right now."

Joey nodded, and he didn't look quite convinced but he seemed to accept it easily enough. "I'm not going to run," he said, giving Chris an unexpected, fleeting kiss on the cheek. "Just ... do what you need to do. I'll be busy sorting things out."

"Okay," Chris nodded. He couldn't really say or do anything more right then. He and Justin started to make their way down the hall, but Chris held Justin back for a moment. "J," he said softly, playing with his fingers. "Don't ... he shouldn't really call anyone, okay? I think he's a little -- a lot -- freaked about Lee."

Justin looked at him in confusion, then just nodded. He wasn't stupid, and had probably heard more of the conversation than he'd let on. "I'll keep him busy," he promised. "And you know I can."

Chris relaxed a little, giving Justin a smile. "That's my boy," he murmured, then pulled him down for a quick kiss. "And kid, I'm getting more sugar from you today than I have in a week. S'nice. But ... we totally should be careful around Joey for a while, I think. I just don't want him to feel like he's intruding any moer than he already does."

"That's gonna be hard," said Justin, looking back over his shoulder to where Joey was waiting, not looking patient or impatient, just resigned. "You know how we *all* are, Chris. But I'll try, of course i'll try."

"You go make him feel like the only guy in the world, then," Chris whispered, glad that he could say that to Justin, *suggest* it to Justin, and have it be understood. And not resented. "I think he's ... he knows to expect it. If you want, of course."

"And how could i not," said Justin, glancing at Joey again. "How could any of us not? You go take care of JC, Chris. Then come find us when you're ready. We won't have gone far." Joey tapped his fingers against the wall and look them over again, this time with an look in his eye that Chris read as possibly envy. And still that profound sadness overtop of it all, a sadness that look so very wrong on Joey face.

He smiled, hoping it looked encouraging again, and sent Justin off with a brief squeeze on the bicep and a murmured "good luck" under his breath. *He* was a little envious, but ... it couldn't be him with Joey, not now. Not after the things they'd said to each other. Joey needed someone who could talk him through it, without remembering the voice in anger. He gave him a short wave, then turned on his heel to see his JC.

* * *

The door wasn't closed, so Chris didn't knock. None of them had knocked on a not-closed door in years. He just pushed it open and closed it softly behind him, then made his way to the bed. JC was still facing the window -- not moving, but unfortunately now that didn't necessarily mean he wasn't awake. "Jace?" he said quietly. "How did it go?"

"Chris," said JC hoarsely, and it sounded like he was smiling. Or would have been, if it was still that easy for him. "Always so *loud*, you guys. Everything okay?" He hadn't answered the question, but at least now Chris could be sure he was awake and feel comfortable moving closer so that JC could see him.

"Getting there," he replied honestly. "I think. I hope. I'm ... sorry we woke you up." He walked around the edge of the bed, unknowingly the same exact way Joey had done it an hour earlier, and sat on the edge carefully. Then he felt for JC's hand under the blankets. "Joey said he gave you a pill. *You* okay?"

"As okay as I can be," he said, his voice soft. If he kept it quiet enough, it almost sounded like he was just whispering, like if he wanted to he could raise his voice and have it sound normal again. He tried to grip at Chris's hand, but there was no strength in his to do it. "Joey came." It was that smile voice again, and Chris could see it in JC's eyes.

"I know, baby." And Chris couldn't keep from smiling himself, at that. "I know. Of course he did. Was it nice to see him?" He bit his lip, forcing back the mildest twinge of jealousy. "You know he saw you in the hospital, before you woke up. He's been here since it happened, C."

"Got him to lay with me," said JC, letting his eyes blink shut as though even just speaking was a tiring effort. "Got him to stay. What were you fighting about, Chris? Justin was listening, but I couldn't hear ..."

Chris flinched a little. Every time JC said something like that, admitted something he couldn't do, or couldn't do well, Chris was scared to death it was something else that wouldn't get better. Something caused by the trauma to his head. "We were fighting about ... about Lee, mostly," he finally replied, not shielding JC, knowing he would *hate* it if they did that to him in his situation. "JC ... how much did you know?"

Chris couldn't read expressions on his face -- it was too unrecognizable and immobile -- but he could see guilt flash in those eyes when JC opened them again. "How much do *you* know?" he asked in return, still protecting Joey. "Do you know everything now?"

"I -- I don't know," he admitted, scared too at that. "He told me ... well, first. I talked to him. Lee, I mean. Hung up on him. The stuff he said gave me my first clue, I guess. And then ... " He took a breath. "Joey, he ... he said. That he beats him up. Or *has* beaten him up, although I think it's more than once. But it's like ... it doesn't end there. With the physical stuff. He's really messed Joey up, Jace. Or other guys before him that were just like him."

"Yeah," breathed JC and let his eyes close again. "It's a bad situation. We can't let him ... I hate that guy, Chris. And Joey knows it. He treats Joey like shit, and ... " He stopped and took as deep a breath as he could manage and obviously tried to keep himself calm. "So you know now, then. Good."

"He said he doesn't want to go back to him," Chris murmured hopefully. "He said it without me or J forcing him to. That's ... really good." He squeezed JC's hand himself. "JC ... you need to tell me why you didn't tell me. I ... don't understand. And I don't know how this is gonna work if we're not being open."

"He said that?" said JC hopefully. "It had to be him, Chris. I'm sorry, but ... I didn't like it but it had to be him or nothing was gonna get better. You know how Joey gets when he's ganged up on -- it would have driven him away." He looked like he wanted to say more, but then a cough erupted from his throat and the words fell away.

Chris reached for the water quickly, and wondered if he should go warm some tea and honey. "Okay," he breathed. "Shh, Jace. Stop straining your voice. I didn't ... I didn't mean to question you. Don't hurt yourself trying to defend what you did. I -- I know you did what you did for Joey." He reached up to run a hand over JC's hair, feeling tears prick at his eyes as he felt how short it was, how unlike the way it had been for years. They'd had to shave some of it in the hospital, so Justin did the rest when they got him home -- teasing JC that he'd always known he liked Justin with the buzz cut.

JC let Chris support him as he half sat up and sipped from the cup of water to soothe his throat. "When do I see the doctor again?" he asked as Chris lowered him back to the pillow. He just looked *so* unlike JC it was painful, and yet the core of him was still there. "So tired, still."

Chris did his best not to show his alarm. For JC to *ask* to see the doctor ... "Did you ask Justin?" he questioned calmly. "You know the drugs are making you tired, baby. We can't help that -- you just need to tell me if something hurts."

JC tried to laugh but just coughed again; mercifully it was brief and he waved away the water that Chris rushed to offer him. "Everything hurts. I just ... wanted to know. How long I was going to feel like this. Feel like a big swollen blob."

"Big swollen blob?" Chris echoed, smiling bravely. "Is that the technical term?" He moved slowly on the bed, maneuvering around JC's body to wrap an arm above his head. "You look better," he promised. "I don't ... I don't know when your next appointment is. Would you like me to call? Or can you wait for Justin?"

"Oh, don't," said JC, and again Chris couldn't read his expression. "I look like shit, Chris. It's okay. It *will* get better. Don't ... don't worry about calling. It doesn't matter. It'll happen when it happens. I'l just ... sleep, until then."

"You *do* look like shit," Chris agreed, his voice a little tighter. "But that doesn't mean I'm lying when I say you look better." He risked a soft kiss to JC's temple. "Is that my cue to leave? Was there ... Joey said you asked for me. I didn't know ... "

"Wanted to see you," murmured JC, making a sound that was almost a purr when Chris kissed him. Like it was the only sound of contentment that he was able to force from his throat. "Feels better, when you're here. Joey ... is Joey ... does he know now? Are you ... with him?"

Chris's heart was being tugged all over the place. "With us, do you mean, JC?" he corrected gently. "He knows. He's ... adjusting. I asked Justin to ... be with him. Is that okay?"

"'Course it is," said JC, trying to squeeze Chris's fingers again. "Love Justin. He'll take care of him. Joey take it okay? Understand?"

"No," Chris laughed. "No, god, no. I ... I really screwed it up, JC. I knew it shouldn't have been me, I got too mad about Lee, and ... we fought ... " He couldn't tell him about all the things Joey had said, about how badly he'd been hurt when no one told him they missed him. "I don't think he understands at all. But he saw me and Justin ... kissing ... and I think ... " He rubbed his eyes. "I don't know. I wish you could have told him, is all."

"There had to be a fight," JC said, though, sounding unsurprised. "No matter who did it. Joey's just stubborn like that. More than he ever was, now. Obviously it worked, though, if he's with us now. Even just kinda."

"I don't ... I didn't say that, Jace," Chris warned him softly, kissing his forehead again. "Okay? I mean ... he let me kiss him, and Justin, but ... please don't get your hopes up right now. It's going to take a lot for him to be with us." He kissed him again. "You're happy, though, aren't you. To maybe get him back. That's why ... that kiss, that night. You thought it was a good sign."

"It was a good sign," said JC. "That he was open to spending time with us again." That was all he said, though, and Chris realized that there was probably a lot about that night that JC *didn't* want to remember.

"JC," Chris pleaded softly. "Can you tell me what you need? I'm ... you don't know how it makes me feel, that you want me here, but I also get this really worthless feeling too. Like I'm not doing or saying something you want."

"Stay while I sleep?" suggested JC softly. "I know we can't ... anything. Can't hardly even touch. But I want to wake up with someone here again. I want to feel normal, just for that moment. And maybe if someone's in bed with me ... the nightmares won't come."

Chris would have pulled JC against him, hugged him to death, if he could. He gripped the sheets instead. "I won't get out of this bed until you wake up," he swore. "Okay? And ... and I promise to wake you up for your next pill. Cause I don't want them wearing off. And ... I know we can't touch -- or I can't touch you -- but just know that if I wasn't scared to death of hurting you ... well. I know you know."

"Thank you," said JC, malking what looked like a halfhearted attempt to lift the blankets for Chris but was probably the very most he could manage. "My shoulder. You can touch my shoulder, if you wanted. And I'll wake up when the pill wears off. I always do."

Chris toed his shoes off, then helped JC lift the covers. "This shoulder?" he whispered, slipping between the sheets and pressing a soft, open-mouthed kiss to JC's bare arm. He still smelled like his JC, and tasted like his JC.

"Yeah," said JC, making that strange purring noise again. "Right where the skin isn't black and purple. You can hold me there. Thank you, Chris. Thank you."

"You're welcome, baby," Chris murmured, glad that JC couldn't turn his head enough to see that he'd started crying again, a little. He kissed him again. "Anything you want."

"We're gonna need a bigger bed," mused JC, smiling with his voice again, and Chris could tell that, thankfully, he was drifting off to sleep again. Everything had to hurt less, when he was asleep.

And Chris smiled to himself, kissed JC a third time, and worked on a plan to get Justin and Joey to move Justin's king-size into JC's house. Maybe tomorrow.

* * *

"So where are we going?" asked Joey suspiciously, watching Justin in case he decided to do anything else completely abnormal, like grow a second head. Which, given the situation, would probably come in handy.

"JC's room." Justin was calm, unruffled, completely the opposite of the way Chris had been with him. "Is your stuff in the car? I'll help you carry it in, if you want, Joey. Or if you just wanted to rest a little first ... "

"Don't really have anything," admitted Joey, still wary. "Just kinda hopped on the plane as is. I'll have to go shopping, I guess, get a few things. God knows I can't go the rest of the week without picking up some more black nail polish. Am I supposed to stay in JC's room?"

Justin stopped and looked at him for a moment, then turned back toward the stairs. "You're not supposed to do anything," he replied, his own voice still remarkably even. "Chris thought you might be most comfortable in JC's room. That it might be ... familiar, at least. But you can stay wherever you want. Do you want me to drive you to my place instead?"

"It is familiar," agreed Joey, looking up the stairs. "That's pretty much the problem. I promised I'd stay here, though, so I guess JC's room it is. You guys aren't already ... using it?" He could just imagine what they might be using it for.

"No," Justin said slowly, turning around again with a furrowed brow. "There are other bedrooms, Joey. If Chris ... if *we* made a mistake thinking that was something you wanted, just say so. It's just ... well, the rest of us are kind of just holding on because of the familiar stuff."

Joey sighed and turned his head to look at Justin. "It's just a lot to try and cope with at once," he said, not wanting to go through this whole thing with Justin the way he'd hashed it out with Chris. That was just so fucking draining. "I have a lot of history here that you guys just ... don't. Listen, is there a phone in JC's room? I need to make a call."

Justin squinted at him, and opened his mouth, then obviously decided to say something else. "Sure," he nodded easily. "But you know that." Then he didn't turn back again as he led them both up the winding staircase to the second floor, and down the hall to JC's suite. Where he closed the door behind them both and made himself comfortable on the bed, obviously with no intention of leaving Joey alone.

Joey lifted the phone and gave Justin a look that he should have been able to read but obviously didn't want to. "This is private," he said pointedly; when Justin didn't budge, he added, "It's business." Which was a lie, but it was for a good cause.

"I'll sign a non-disclosure agreement later," Justin yawned, stretching out his long limbs over JC's rumpled blankets and tugging on the leg of Joey's pants. "Joey? I'm ... you're not calling your boyfriend, okay? So just ... you might as well hang up, if that's who you were about to dial."

Joey stubbornly didn't hang up, though, the dialtone buzzing through the prolonged silence between them. "I need to call him, Justin," he said finally. "You don't understand."

"Joey," Justin murmured, pushing himself to a sitting position. "Later, okay? You can do it later. When we're all here with you. So you ... so you have our support when you tell him you're not going back." That was Justin, always so sure of what was going to happen. He stretched up and gently untangled Joey's fingers from the receiver. "Why don't you tell me what you were going to say, instead. Would that help?"

Joey shook his head, but let the receiver go. "You wouldn't have wanted to hear it," he said. "None of you want to hear it. None of you like him much anyway. Does it even matter that I do?" He could still go home from this, after all. He could still go back to the life where he *knew* where the hurt was going to come from. It was comforting and seductive in its familiarity.

Justin looked hurt, for a brief second, then carefully made his face expressionless and welcoming again. "I don't know him, Joey," he said reasonably. "I've never met him, and you've never told me about him. Do you ... do you want to?"

He looked so sincere Joey had to smile back at him. "Seriously?" he said tilting his head to the side and studying him. Nothing right now was what it seemed to be at first, he was learning. "I could ... if you wanted to hear."

Justin nodded carefully, then shifted over on the bed to make room for Joey to sit. "Can I do this?" he murmured, threading his hand under Joey's arm when Joey joined him.

"We always did before," said Joey after a moment, nodding his head. It was comfortable enough. "Well," he started, thinking about it, smiling as he remembered the beginning of things, "we met through a mutual friend, at a club. It was kind of funny, because the first time I saw him he was in the middle of a fight with this guy, over a drink or something. Some first impression, huh? God but he's hot, though, Justin."

"Yeah?" Justin asked, rubbing Joey's arm gently, playing with his sleeve. When he looked over at him, all he could see was the top of his head, his mess of curls. "What does he look like."

"Tall," said Joey, closing his eyes. "Big. Bigger than me. He works out a lot, likes to do physical stuff." He didn't want to go down that road, though. "So afterwards, all sweaty, blood running from a cut on his chin, he sits down with us at our table -- cause he knows my friend, right? -- and tells me I should order him a drink. It was so damn charming I just had to do it. And so we got together."

Justin didn't say anything for a moment, and Joey prepared himself to get up and leave. If he didn't want to hear it, couldn't handle it, then why had he asked in the first place?? But Justin never stopped touching him, kept his soothing motions, and eventually responded again. "I like big guys, too," he said softly. "Like ... I like their hands. And I like the way I can feel safe with them. Even ... well. Just that."

Joey stiffened a little bit, sensing ulterior motives in what Justin was saying, but he kept going anyway. "And we get along pretty well. We agree on a lot of stuff, like music and food and movies. He has a bit of a temper but we get around that, and at least he has no problem with the band or anything. He's pretty much the best thing I could've found, for me. He doesn't let the stuff I mess up break us up. He just ... deals with it, and we get past it."

"Oh, I meant to tell you I liked that last tape you sent," Justin said, sounding a little more ... well, a little less inhibited. "Yeah. So, um, what kind of stuff do you mess up? I know Chris always freaks when I'm late picking him up when he flies in."

"Just stuff," said Joey with a shrug; Justin was making this easy. For the first time, it was like someone really wanted to get to know the guy he'd been with for the last while. "You know how I am, Justin. I'm not home when I'm supposed to be, staying out late or whatever. Or I don't give him a message I'm supposed to. And I'm awful about forgetting to pick up stuff; I still always just figure I can go out later. I'm lazy like that."

That made Justin frown a little. "You live with him?" he asked, his voice smaller. "I didn't know that. Well ... none of that sounds like breaking-up offenses, Joey."

"No, I don't live with him," said Joey, shaking his head, wanting to make sure to clarify that point.. "He's just always at my place. You know, cause I have more space and all, but he still has his apartment so he can get away whenever he needs to, or if he wants to hang out with his friends when I'm not around or something. I mean, we're casual like that. And yeah, I know they're not breaking-up offenses or anything. I mean, he's *threatened* a couple of times, but he's never serious about it. We just fight. You know."

"Not really," Justin replied, almost a whisper now. "But ... is that why you don't want to go back to him? The ... um. Fighting?" He still wouldn't look up; wasn't meeting Joey's eyes. Just was there and real and actually kind of supportive and his fingers felt nice rather than distracting.

"I didn't really mean that," said Joey dismissively, though he could feel himself stiffening again and knew Justin could, too. "I'm just so stressed right now, about everything. And me and him, we're just in the middle of a fight, it's not gonna be fun going back to that. But I need to, really. We'll get past it. He'll get his frustration out about me being a fuckhead and not telling him where I was or for how long, and we'll move on."

*That* made Justin look up, and clutch at Joey's arm instead of the nice stroking thing he had been doing. "Oh, Joey," he started, sounding shaky even though he was doing a pretty amazing job at keeping his face calm. "I don't ... why do you need to? What about us? What about JC? And me?"

"It's not that easy, Justin," he said, turning his head to really look at him. "It's not that easy to forget, what came before this. To just come back to ... whatever it is I'm being offered. And even if I *do*, there are things that Lee and I need to deal with. He ... wouldn't respond well to being kicked out of my house, to being abandoned. I'll have to be careful with him, I'm know better that to be doing what I've been doing, running off like this."

"JC almost got *killed*," Justin replied, shaking his head and squinting at Joey. "You didn't just run off, you ... you had a reason. And he could have come, too. Why didn't he come with you, Joey, if he ... well. Why didn't he come?" And Joey could hear, in what Justin said then, that he was making a *real* concerted effort to not antagonize Joey.

"He doesn't like JC," admitted Joey, trying to keep himself as calm as Justin was. "And JC doesn't like him. And ... I think he's just not interested in mingling much from my life from before. He's always really encouraging me to move on, you know? To not dwell on the past. To get used to my life with him."

"Why?" Justin scrunched up his face. "Do you *want* to move on? Do you ... want him more than you want JC? Or the rest of us? Do you want to forget about us all over again? He sounds ... if you like him, Joey, that's the important thing, but ... it doesn't seem like you do, so much."

Joey just shrugged again, tired of this fight. "He's the best I deserve, Justin, and just ... don't try to tell me otherwise, okay? You guys seem sincere enough but I still don't get why you'd want me here again, after all these years. Even if it was just for JC ... I mean, isn't JC the reason I was exiled in the first place? He's better off with you guys by his side."

Justin blinked at him, his sweet face still so confused. "How can you think ... what? exiled?" He blinked some more. "Did you say that to Chris? Because, okay, I don't really get how you think he's better of without *all* of us. And it's not even *about* JC. I mean it is, kind of. But ... " he pulled Joey closer. "What about me, Joey? When do I get to be better off? When do *I* get what I deserve?"

"I don't," began Joey, flustered by the turn of events. "What is it you want, Justin? I thought ... you already had everything you could possibly want. After all these years, Justin, why is it now? Why is it now you guys have decided to try and make me feel welcome with you again? Make me feel wanted?"

"That's ... that's not the right question," Justin told him. "Just ... why do you have to ask that? Don't. It's not important. We just do, okay? *I* do. I *don't* get what I want, if you're not here. You ... Joey, I love the guys. I'm in love with all of them." His face looked so earnest. "But you ... you were always the one that made sure I was taken care of. I always thought you looked after me a little more."

"Then why did you let me *go*?" asked Joey, the question exploding out of him. "That *is* the question, Justin. Why didn't you let me know then, that I was any good to you, that I made you feel like that? Maybe I wouldn't have ... maybe none of this would have happened. Maybe I wouldn't be *in* this fucking mess."

Justin's lip started to tremble. "I'm *sorry*," he insisted. "I thought ... I thought you wanted to leave. And I didn't want to make it harder, if that's what you wanted. Since ... I just thought after all you'd given me, I could at least give you that. Make it easier. I'm sorry."

"Oh, don't cry," said Joey. It could have been a manipulation -- Justin knew him well enough to know what would work -- but ... well, it *did* work, this time. "Oh, fuck, Justin, don't cry, okay? I'm thinking about things, I just don't know what to do yet. I'm not gonna ... I promised JC I'd stay for a while anyway. We'll see how things turn out, okay?"

"I'm not crying," Justin protested, and Joey had to smile to himself a little that some things didn't change, and Justin only liked being the youngest, being the baby, when it suited him. "Just ... I'm scared it will be my fault if you leave again. Since Chris trusted me to ... well, to talk to you, and be with you. After you promised to consider this. Us."

I was pretty comfortable, Joey had to admit, to have Justin in his arms again. To have Justin trusting *him* the way he used to. "Tell me how it happened," he said quietly. Soothingly, he hoped. "Tell me how you guys all started to ... I mean, *that* part is obviously new, since I left. And wasn't something I thought you -- or Chris -- would really, you know, be into."

Justin settled into Joey's embrace, playing with his sleeve again, slipping his fingertips under the material every so often. He made a soft sound: kind of non-committal, kind of surprised. "If I tell you," he whispered, "will you promise not to take stuff too personally? Like, think it was because you left? And ... and you'll remember that you were wanted, even if we never showed you the right way?"

"That's a hard thing to remember -- to believe -- when I've just spend years thinking I wasn't," confessed Joey, trying to be honest about this since Justin was. "Thinking I was the one that wasn't good enough for the rest of you. But ... I'll try. That's all I can promise, Justin."

"I don't want to be the reason you leave again," he said firmly. "That's all. So just ... listen, and don't think too much, I guess." He looked up, blue eyes huge in his face that had no baby fat any more, and kissed Joey's mouth softly before he could react. "Listen."

Joey licked his lips instinctively and nodded. He would listen, and he would try to understand and believe, but he still knew it wasn't going to be an easy thing. The only thing he knew for sure was that whatever Justin said wasn't going to make him leave again. He'd promised JC he would stay a while, and he would. Even if he didn't become a part of this ... whatever they had going.

"Well, don't forget I can't really say for Chris," Justin reminded him, smiling a little as he wiped his thumb across his own lips shyly. "I mean ... I can tell you what I saw, but I can't tell you why he ... decided to do what he did, when he did. But he kind of started it." He shook his head slightly. "Well, no. We all started it. Even before you left, it was ... the five of us were always kind of ... that way, together. Don't you think?"

Joey stroked his hand against Justin's back, lightly, and nodded again. It would probably be best for both of them if he just kept quiet while Justin spoke. The urge to interrupt, to correct him, would be less that way. And he was sure that at some point, given Justin's warnings, he was going to want to.

"So, um. You left," Justin said carefully. "I mean, you and JC broke up -- JC broke up with you, I mean -- but then you left. And ... I don't know. JC was pretty bad. Like, he blamed himself. Which, I mean, I know you wouldn't have left if it was just him, I think, but ... " He stopped, shook his head. "I need to stop making a mess of this. Okay. The first thing was that JC needed someone. And Chris was there."

"JC needed someone who wasn't me," clarified Joey softly, not able to help himself on that one. Because that was the whole crux of the situation for him. JC had broken up with him, and not particularly gently, either, and then gone on to the other guys instead.

"But it wasn't ... " Justin started, then kissed Joey again gently. "That wasn't it, you know? He didn't know he'd made a mistake until you left. You were the one he wanted back. Chris was just ... the closest thing he had. And they both knew that."

Joey wanted to say more, about how no one had ever asked him back, no one had ever said they made a mistake, but he just bit his tongue and nodded and kept silent. It was Justin's story to tell, now; he could make all his objections after. And he didn't want to let Justin know how much of his decision about what he wanted to do was resting on this explanation."

"So I didn't really even know that Chris did, either," Justin admitted, continuing. "I mean, did that stuff. But then -- I saw how sad JC was, and I thought I would do anything to try and help, too, if I was Chris. Like, even if it wasn't something I'd do, or like, otherwise. I'd do it for him." He blushed. "Plus, I mean, how awful could it be. JC's beautiful. And nice to touch. And I knew that before I'd done anything ... more... with a guy."

"So you just do it because JC wants it?" asked Joey, frowning. That wasn't a situation he wanted to get mixed up in at all, and he'd told Chris that more than once, before he even knew what was going on here. No one for him anymore who wasn't sure they were gay, or at least bisexual. Sure they were into guys, anyway. It wasn't worth getting his heart ripped out again.

"No, no," Justin said, laughing. "No. God. I'm just explaining how I rationalized what I saw Chris doing. Which ... wasn't even what he was doing." He laughed again and touched Joey's cheek. "Am I taking too long?"

"No, I'm sorry," said Joey quietly, even though he thought Justin kinda was. That was probably more his impatience to understand than anything, though. "So you are into guys, then?"

Justin laughed again. "Yes. Definitely. I mean ... not in the Lance way. Not even in the JC way, I don't think, anymore. But ... okay, here. I haven't been with anybody -- guy or girl -- other than them for, like ... well, a long time. But none of them would do anything with me until I'd ... done stuff ... with someone else -- another guy -- first. I think maybe they were worried about the same things as you. That I'd just be doing it for them, and not ... not because I liked it." He was blushing again, but his eyes were sparkling, and he looked so earnest.

"Okay," said Joey, nodding his head, satisfied and relieved by that, even if it didn't clear up a lot of things in his head.. He even gave Justin an encouraging smile in return. "I'm sorry I interrupted. Go ahead."

"No, it's okay," Justin smiled back happily, actually seeming excited to be sharing this, finally. "I mean, I can guess why you'd think that. Why you all would. But, so ... okay. So Chris and JC were together, then. For a long time, like a year. And Chris just ... he really took care of JC. Really doted on him. And ... you know me, Joey. I was so jealous, it was awful."

Joey could only nod again, thinking that Justin really didn't know what jealousy was. "And you're irresistable, right? You batted those baby blues at them and they both fell into your lap just like that?"

Justin's smile faltered a little. "No," he said quietly, shaking his head and looking seriously at Joey. "No, they ... they told me it wasn't about me. And ... well, Chris told me it just wasn't the time. Which I didn't really understand then." He shrugged. "I didn't try very hard to get in the middle of it, but I wasn't very sad when they agreed to see other people, either. Neither was Lance. It ... we felt left out."

"So ... see other people," repeated Joey, giving up entirely on just letting Justin tell the story the way he wanted to. "Meaning ... see any other people, or just opening it up to the two of you?"

"Ha, no," Justin said wryly. "No. After Chris ... " He squinted at Joey. "I'm not sure what Chris told you, downstairs. About this. But ... we haven't all. I mean, with each other. Yet. Chris and Lance haven't. And JC ... JC won't. Until you come back. I've never gotten to do anything more than kiss JC. Well ... and watch. Lance hasn't either. Only Chris. He's -- JC's -- waiting."

"Oh," said Joey, his eyes shooting *wide* open at that. "Chris never ... he said ... he *implied* ... that you were all ... I mean, you and Chris, right, though?"

"Yeah," Justin nodded, ducking his head. "Chris ... I mean, you could guess, probably, that he was my first. We were ... it was just the two of us for a while, after he and JC were over. JC was dating other people, and Lance ... he was gone. For, like, six months." He sighed. "It was just the two of us, then. He showed me. Stuff. And taught me stuff."

"And you guys are still ... close," confirmed Joey, waiting for an answering nod from Justin. "So it's kind of all of you ... but not?"

Justin looked shy again. "Yeah. After that ... it's never really been exclusive with Lance and me, but we do. And me and Chris. And Chris and JC. And Lance and Chris probably will, at some point, but ... they're rarely here at the same time." He sighed and closed his eyes. "But it's not even that. It's more ... the kissing, and the holding, sometimes all four of us ... that's the best part. And ... and the worst."

"And the worst, Justin?" he repeated, prompting him to elaborate. Which he was sure Justin would -- he hadn't shown any reluctance to share anything with Joey, so far.

"Well, because we're missing you," Justin said, as if it was the most obvious thing. "We *are* missing you. And so it's ... never better than bittersweet." He inhaled softly, and then pressed up against Joey again, close to climbing in his lap. "JC tells us about you, though. He talks about what it was like, to kiss you. To be held by you."

"I can't ... " began Joey haltingly. "He *had* me, and he gave me up, Justin. I never thought i was something that he'd want to remember. Especially if he had *you* guys, who he loved so much more ... "

Justin shook his head, and then he *was* nestling himself between Joey's thighs. "You see now, though? He doesn't ... he won't. Besides Chris ... " He dropped his forehead lightly to Joey's shoulder, continued in a mumble. "I've never gotten to touch him, Joey. He says me and Lance remind him too much of you."

"So ... " said Joey shakily, trying to figure out what to do with the bundle of Justin in his lap. "What happens ... Justin, what happens if I say no?"

Justin was very still for a moment, then he felt Justin's hand on his arm again. Pulling at his sleeve. "Well," he heard him say. "It's not exactly something we've talked about." The admission seemed to be given reluctantly. "I honestly don't know, Joey. I don't think ... I'd be surprised if it lasts."

"I'm not saying I will," said Joey, stroking his back again. "I just need to know ... where I fit in. Why I'm wanted so much, Justin. This is the first time I've felt it in ... so long. God, *so* long."

"Lance is supposed to be the one talking to you," Justin mumbled, an eery echo of what Chris had told him earlier. "I'm ... doing a bad job. I just ... don't you miss me, Joey? Don't you know that if you've ever missed me, if you've ever wanted me, that I had to return those feelings?"

"No one seemed to ... care, that i was gone," Joey reminded him. "At least that's how it felt, Justin. We all ... I guess we all had our reasons for doing what we did, but that doesn't change how they affected everyone else. What is it that you guys think Lance can explain to me that you can't, anyway? I'd rather have something genuine than something practiced ... "

"He just doesn't get flustered," Justin sighed. "Like me. Or ... antsy like Chris. It's not that he was going to give you a speech, just that ... " He cut himself off, and then Joey felt soft lips on his neck. "Everything with us is genuine."

"I know," said Joey softly, letting Justin snuggle in. It was so easy to be with him, so easy to fall into this. "I can't believe you would be anything but genuine, Justin. Neither one of you are messing anything up. I'm just ... there's a lot going on right now. I can't sort it out yet."

"Can I help?" Justin asked, sounding eager and tentative at the same time. "Can I ... please let me help, Joey." He kissed Joey's neck, again, a little wetter, and let his lips trail down his throat.

"Wait, Justin, wait," he said suddenly, pushing him away but not violently. "Wait, I need to ... there's something i need to do first. Like ... really need to do. And if I don't do it *right now* I might not."

"What," Justin said, blinking at him, his cheeks and forehead and lips all flushed. He didn't try to kiss him again, though, and even put his hands down on the bed. Whether it was not not tempt Joey or not tempt himself, Joey didn't know.

Joey groped for the phone. "I need to make a call," he said, accidentally knocking the receiver onto the floor and having to push Justin off even further to retrieve it. "I have to make a call."

"What?" Justin gasped, whimpering a little when he twisted awkwardly off Joey's body. "Joey, I don't ... let me go get Chris, okay? I don't think it's a good idea that you call him right now ... we'll help you do it later, I promise, just please ... "

"No. No, Justin. Just let me," said Joey, dialing Lee's cell number from memory before Justin could stop him, and listening to it ring. "I can't ... I need to do this."

"Joey!" Justin hissed, but he didn't try to grab the phone away. He just pulled his knees up to his chin and watched warily.

The phone rang six times before voicemail kicked in, and Joey knew Lee had to be ignoring it or it would have kicked in after 2 rings. Had probably gone out somewhere and left it behind so Joey *couldn't* reach him; he'd obviously known he would call.

"Fucker," he muttered under his breath as he listened to the message. But the phone was in his hand now and Justin was there and he had the nerve. "Hey," he said after the beep. "It's me. Um ... I don't think things are working out, Lee. I think it's time for both of us to move on. I'll call later and we can work out the details."

Then he hung up the phone and took a deep breath. "There," he said, without even looking up. "There ... it's done. Now ... now you guys have to take *care* of me, Justin. Cause if you were fucking around and I have to go back to him after saying that .. I'll ... he'll probably put me in the hospital again. Okay? Okay, Justin?"

Justin was staring at him with this look of equal parts wonder, and joy; and horror. "Oh, Joey," he cried softly, rolling off the bed to kneel in front of him, wrapping his arms around Joey's legs and pressing his cheek against his thigh. "Joey, I love you," he choked. "I miss you and love you and ... and ... I'm so glad you just did that. Thank you. Thank you for trusting me to hear it."

Joey's hand was shaking as he reached out to run his fingers through Justin's curls. "Oh my god, Justin," he whispered. "Oh my god, Justin, what did I just *do*? He's going to kill me."

"What?" Justin laughed awkwardly. "No, he isn't. He's ... he just isn't. You'll be here for a while; one of us'll go get your stuff. And then .. then you can go back when you feel safer, we'll all go with you. Maybe once Jace can go with us?" He sounded a little desperate, and nuzzled into Joey's hand. "See? See, Joey?"

Joey was still shaking though. He'd done it so fast, and the implications were only just starting to hit him. "You have to take care of me," he repeated. "You have to love me and you have to *not let me go* this time. I mean it."

"God, we *won't*," Justin breathed, holding Joey's legs tighter, breathing so heavily Joey could feel it. "I never, ever would. And JC ... no way. Or Chris or Lance. We'll never leave you *alone* if that's what you want. You can ... you can have whatever you want, too. Stay with me. Or stay here. Or go stay with Chris or *whatever* you want, Joey. And it'll be all five of us."

"You know what I'm really scared of, Justin?" he whispered, his fingers twisting restlessly in Justin's hair. "Oh, god. You wanna know what i'm terrified of? That i have been, all along?"

"Shh, what," Justin murmured, raising his own hand to cover Joey's, his fingers warm and comforting like the rest of his body. "We won't leave you," he tried to anticipate.

"That the people ... that the people who got JC ... that they're not random. That it's Lee's fault, somehow. That he did it. God, Justin. I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry."

Justin froze again, and Joey could feel the tension in his body as he obviously fought to not pull away. To not alienate Joey. "I'm sure not," he murmured, his voice light. "I'm sure not, Joey. He's all the way in New York ... and how would they have known you'd just left ... no. No. I know it's scary, but ... Joey, please don't."

Joey just shook, though. "I know it's stupid," he said. "I know it makes no sense. But I just can't stop thinking of it and it goes round and round in my head and every time I think I've finally forced it away it comes back. I know it's impossible, but ... But."

"No buts," Justin hushed him, finally picking his head up enough so that Joey could see he'd been crying the whole time. "Just ... no. What happened to JC isn't any of our faults. I know Chris told you that. We blamed ourselves for so long ... "

Joey tried to tug him back up again, suddenly realizing that these four were all he had again, for the moment. And at the moment, "these four" came down to Justin. "I still feel responsible," he said softly. "For so many reasons."

"I'm not trying to ... tell you what to feel. Or that what you're feeling isn't different," Justin said, letting himself be pulled up until their faces were closer than they'd been excpet for the kisses they'd shared. "But we all feel responsible. And JC ... JC doesn't blame us. He wouldn't want to know we feel like this."

"He *should* blame me," said Joey, shaking his head. "Maybe it would make him feel better, to have someone concrete to blame, not just this ... phantom that may never be caught. Don't you think? If I were him, I'd want to have someone to blame. To punish."

Justin recoiled slightly. "Punish? That's ... JC isn't like that, Joey. And ... you're not like that, either. Here." He took Joey's hand and wrapped it around his waist. "We'll do a lot better, helping each other get over it by supporting each other."

"I am like that, Justin," he protested. "I want to blame someone. I want to punish someone. I want justice." But the feelings didn't crest into anger this time, not with a bundle of Justin in his arms again.

"Okay," Justin said soothingly. "Okay. We'll ... we'll just see what happens, okay? See if they catch those guys?" He pressed closer, tilting his chin down like he was asking for a kiss on the forehead. "Or you can blame me. But I won't let you blame you."

Joey lifted his chin, though, and with only a moment of hesitation he kissed him briefly on the lips. "You know I won't blame you," he said. "You already knew I couldn't blame you, before you said that."

"Chris punched me," he told him, sounding like he was sharing a big secret -- which it would have been, if Chris hadn't told him -- and pouting slightly. "It hurt. But ... but you could too, if you wanted. If it would help, Joey. You can pretend to blame me."

"No," said Joey vehemently. "No, Justin. I can't ... I'd never ... I can't hurt anyone anymore. I can't hit. I can't ... anything. No. It's too awful." He did slam his fist into the bed, though. Hard.

Justin was quiet for a minute. "He hit you, Joey?" he asked softly. "I mean ... a lot? And ... " He chewed on his lip. "Put you in the hospital, even?"

"Just the once," murmured Joey, wishing he could take back saying that. "It wasn't like ... it wasn't like you think," he said, except it was. But he was only fleetingly admitting that to himself so far, let alone anyone else.

Reaching up, Justin ran a shaking finger down the bridge of Joey's nose. "What did he do?" he pressed. "I don't know how ... I mean, what happened? Can you tell me, Joey?"

Joey just shook his head, trying to make the sympathy go away. "It doesn't matter," he said dismissively. We were fighting about something, and there were stairs, and it was just an accident. He didn't actually mean to. He only wanted to shove me into the wall."

"Oh, only," Justin muttered, but at least he dropped that part of the subject. Seemed to, anyway, reading Joey's mood and reacting to it, just like he'd always done. "Were you ... hurt badly? You didn't call any of us ... "

"Dislocated my shoulder and broke my wrist," he said, as thought it was nothing. "Healed up pretty quick, didn't really seem worth mentioning." He rotated his wrist in demonstration, then wondered what he was trying to prove. "So yeah. That was the only time."

"That you were hospitalized," Justin clarified, looking very much like he was horrified and trying to hide it. He took Joey's wrist gently between his fingers and pulled it up to his lips. "Joey, I'm ... that's really scaring me. Is that dumb to say? I don't understand."

"What's scaring you about it?" asked Joey; Justin really *did* look liike he was all but shaking inside. "He's a bit of an ass sometimes, but it's nothing. Really. I usually deserve whatever happens, when we fight, but not that time. I mean, I'm not some weak, abused boyfriend or something. I know I didn't deserve to be landed in the hospital. But that one was an accident."

"Joey, *no* one deserves to be hit. Ever. Especially not for ... staying out late, or forgetting to get more beer, or whatever." Justin kissed his wrist again and then laid his hand back on the bed. "And I'm not being spoiled, coddled Justin when I say that, either. How would you feel if someone ... someone did that to me?"

"You wouldn't deserve it," said Joey simply. "You would never deserve something like that, Justin, you're not me. And JC -- " He winced, thinking about him. "JC didn't deserve to have anyone touch a single hair on his head, that's for damn sure."

"But ... you didn't either, Joey," Justin pleaded with him. "I don't understand, I don't! Please ... " He bit his lip, and then buried his face in Joey's shoulder again. The one that had been dislocated. "It doesn't matter," he murmured. "You're here now. No one will treat you like that."

"No, I did, Justin," Joey explained patiently. "You know how I am, I mess up stuff, like, all the time. Look what I did to the group, for a start. It was never just ... I mean ... he always had a reason. So you don't have to worry about it so much, okay? It was all right. It was fine. Shhh."

Justin shivered in his arms, though, and wouldn't look back up at him. "Did ... why did you tell JC, and not me? Not us?" he asked quietly. He didn't seem any less scared, at all, and Joey started to worry that he was going to give the younger man nightmares.

"It was an accident," said Joey, trying to be soothing. "I didn't mean to worry him. He kinda figured a lot of it out for himself. But you guys don't need to jump to conclusions here, Justin, it's really not what it sounds like. He's -- he *was* -- my *boyfriend*, after all. He had to have liked me, right?"

"I don't know how he couldn't," Justin admitted innocently, still mumbling against Joey's shirt. "But okay. I won't jump to conclusions, Joey. You just ... you tell me what you want to tell me. When you want to tell me. We don't have to talk about this anymore if you don't want to." Which sounded suspiciously like 'we don't have to talk about this anymore because *I* don't want to.'

"Okay," said Joey easily. They didn't understand anyway, how it was with him and Lee. "Then we won't, Justin. You don't have to listen to this. We should ... you'll probably want to check on JC again, see how he's doing. I know he really needs you guys right now."

"Needs *us* right now," Justin corrected him, finally pulling back enough to look at Joey again. "But ... not *right* now. Chris is with him, and ... they should be alone. JC was asking for him again, and ... " He shrugged, bit his lip. "Why are you trying to get rid of me?"

"I'm not," said Joey, unable to lie when Justin was looking right into his eyes like that. "I thought you were the one who wanted to go. Thought you didn't want to hear about it anymore. And JC is ... I dunno ... preferable, to me."

"Just because I don't want to hear about you ... being hurt by that guy doesn't mean I don't want to talk to you, Joey," Justin explained, touching Joey's ear carefully. "But if ... if JC is, um, preferable, I understand. I can take you down to him and I'll ... I'll just start dinner." He was just ... precious, misunderstanding Joey the way he had.

"I meant for you, baby," he said gently. "I figured you all prefer him to me because ... he came out the better person, in the end, no matter what happened in the past. I don't blame you guys for wanting to be with him, Justin, I don't. I know my place. "

Justin pulled away, almost abruptly, and stood up. "I can't do this," he whispered. "I can't listen to that from you. I *do* love you, Joey, and I *will* take care of you, but I won't listen to that. If you can't tell ... just how much we want you here -- how much *I* do -- then ... well, me fumbling for the right way to say it won't help. I'm not a shrink."

Joey just nodded sadly, expecting that. "Go to him, Justin. I'll stay out of yours and Chris's way while I'm here, and then I'll take my fucked-up, dysfunctional self back to New York and back out of your lives again. I'm sorry I'm not who you wanted me to be."

"I don't *want* to go to JC!" Justin insisted, and Joey could practically see him stomping his foot in his head. "And I don't want you out of my way! I want you very, very much *in* my way, Joey. I just want you. And ... you're supposed to want me back. But you don't anymore, do you? Obviously."

"There's nothing obvious about any of this," said Joey, shaking his head. "You have no idea what my life's been like, Justin, you think it's so easy for me just to feel accepted back into the fold. It doesn't mean I don't *want* it, you know. Of course I wan't it. I've always wanted it. But it's not easy to accept. Only now ... now I don't have something to go back to, either."

"Thank god," Justin murmured, then looked surprised at himself for saying that. "Well ... Joey, I just don't know what to do to help. I've tried ... tried listening to you talk about Lee, even if it makes me want to jump on a plane and go shove *him* down a staircase. And I've tried kissing you, and I've tried *not* kissing you, and ... and I even told you personal stuff, and I don't know how else I can help you accept it!"

"It's just not gonna happen all at once," said Joey with an impatient sigh. "*No* one's just suddenly gonna say the right thing. There isn't a right thing. I think you just have to ... keep on doing that stuff. If you really want me here with you. And that's not a test or an ultimatum, Justin, that's just ... I think that's just how it is. How I am."

"But I'm impatient," Justin complained, his mouth curving into a sheepish smile. "I want you already in the fold. Already moved in with me. Or Jace. And waking up and making us those omelets you used to make. And then ... and then letting whoever it is drag you back to bed. Until we have to go pick up Lance at the airport. And then ... more bed. Until we have to go out dancing so there can be *more* bed. See?"

"I'll make omelets tomorrow," said Joey, even though that wasn't the point at all. It was something. "And I'm still gonna live in New York, Justin. I still have the band and ... and there are a lot of good things about my life there. I'll just be here a lot more often than I used to be. And you guys had *better* come see me there, too ... "

"Well, we will," Justin said awkwardly, his smile falling away a little. "Of course. Brit still has her place there, so you know I'll be there. But, Joey ... " he sighed softly, probably at Joey missing his point. "Maybe you should move down here for a little while, at least."

"And what, fly to New York every time we have a show, Justin? Every time we have a rehearsal? I know it's not the same calibre of stuff that we were doing back before but ... it's still what I do, now." He sighed, and gave Justin a smile. "I can't say it's not a nice thought, though. Waking up with you guys every day ... "

Justin smiled too. "It *will* be nice. Just ... just for a little while, Joey. Until things get better? Die down up there, get ... healthier down here ... you know." He looked at his hands. "Lance and Chris are."

"Well, it's not like I can't afford the airfare," he said, his smile growing just a little. He really couldn't go back to Lee now, not after what he'd said and not after what he'd been offered here, but it would have been hard to go home and not have that, before things did get settled between the five of them. "At least until JC's well ... "

"At least until then," Justin murmured in agreement, finally returning to his place in front of where Joey sat on the bed, sinking gracefully to his knees and placing his hands innocently on Joey's thighs. "Can I ... ask you something?"

"Of course you can ask me something," said Joey, puzzled, looking down at him. "What do you think you even need to ask that?"

(how hard is it to make coffee?!? grrrr.)

Justin shrugged. "Are you ... would you rather ... not kiss me? Like ... I know you did downstairs, and in here, but ... not real kisses. And so I just wondered ... I wanted to know if you were going to. Um. Wait for JC, too."

Joey didn't answer that right away, though his eyes were drawn to Justin's waiting lips. "So what happens after?" he asked. "After I'm with JC again. Does it just become ... everyone? Everyone can have everyone? Is that, like, the trigger?"

Justin shrugged again, and lowered his eyes. "It's not like it's something we've ... set rules for, or anything," he murmured, sounding embarassed. "That's not really what I ... I was more wondering if you'd want to. With me. Except it sounds like ... you made it sound like you maybe did want to be able to get back together, uh, that way, with C first."

"Oh, Justin," Joey said with a patient, indulgent sigh, tugging him up and giving him a kiss, for real, for a long time. "You *know* you're unbearably hot. And I'm not waiting for JC. Actually ... I think it's better if I don't, if I don't go to him before I'm sure that this is about all of us, and not just him and me again. There are too many ... well, painful memories attached to that."

"Oh," Justin breathed, licking his lips carefully. "Well. Chris, then? Or ... were you ... did you want it to be maybe more than one of us? I don't even know ... " He laughed self-consciously. "I don't know whether you've been with more than one person at a time."

"I have," said Joey with a nod of his head, "but that's not really the point, is it? I ... I don't know who it should be, actually." He looked down at himself and tugged at his shirt, self-conscious for the first time. "If you didn't even want to hear about Lee ... about how it is with him ... then you probably wouldn't want to see ... " And he left it there, left it up to Justin to decide.

Justin made a soft choking sound, then squeezed his eyes shut briefly. "I thought I did a good job, listening," he protested, then replaced Joey's fingers on his shirt with his own. "What is there to see, Joey?"

"Not much," said Joey quickly. "Couple fading bruises, maybe. We had a fight last week about something. You don't have to, Justin. I don't you don't ... I don't know. Of course you don't like it. Don't do anything you don't want to, okay?"

"No, I'm just nervous," Justin admitted, shyly unbuttoning the top few buttons on Joey's shirt. "Chris and Lance always laugh at me, at how ... eager I get? Not eager, just ... into it. I get into it. And I don't want to hurt you. It's not ... it's not that I'm, like, repulsed."

"How do you think you're going to hurt me?" asked Joey, willing himself not to be nervous about this, willing himself not to think about what Lee would do to him if -- when -- he found out about this. "You mean the bruises? No ... no ... you couldn't hurt me. You don't even know what hurt is, baby ... "

Justin paused, then finished unbuttoning the shirt, pushing it gently off Joey's shoulders but keeping his wrists bound by it. "Maybe not," he murmured. "I just meant ... I was just trying to be careful. I know I don't know what you've been through."

"You can ask ... " said Joey slowly, not sure what Justin meant by that. "Whatever you want to know about anything ... you can ask. You know I can't lie to you." He knew Justin could see, now. Would see more if he turned him over. And he wasn't sure he wanted to know how Just was goign to react.

Justin kept his eyes on Joey's face for a long moment, then lowered his eyes slowly and raised his hands. He ran just the pad of his thumb over Joey's chest, brushing across a nipple, then ever-so-lightly tracing the circumference of a fading bruise over his ribs. "Why would anyone ever hit you," he whispered, under his breath.

"Cause I did something stupid," breathed Joey, even knowing that he shouldn't have. That Justin wasn't looking for an answer. "It won't happen anymore, though ... you promised ... you're gonna keep me ... and you won't care if I'm a dumbfuck sometimes ... "

"I'm gonna keep you," Justin agreed, bringing his other hand to Joey's skin, tickling the patch of hair around his navel. Giving him goosebumps. "We're gonna keep you, Joey." He smiled impishly. "And you were always a dumbfuck -- it didn't bother us before." And before Joey could get insulted, he was kissing him.

Joey thought it had, though, and that had been the start of the rift between them -- Joey believing that his mistakes had been responsible for driving them apart. If that wasn't true -- and they all seemed to be desperately convincing him that it wasn't -- then he could accept this, he could admit to wanting it so much in return. He kissed Justin back, groping for him to draw him closer, feel him in his arms again. Feel someone in his arms again who was gentle and loving and gave him so much more than he deserved.

"Oh!" Justin gasped into his mouth, falling easily against Joey's body. When Joey pulled back, his eyes were wide and he was smiling happily. "Hey, sorry," he laughed softly. "Just ... not used to this."

"Not used to what, exactly?" asked Joey, kissing him briefly, loving that purely joyful expression on his face. "I got the impression that you were *very* used to this ... "

He blushed beautifully. "No. I mean, *yes*, *this* I am. I just ... " He pressed a little closer to Joey again, nudging his arms so Joey was encouraged to hold him tight. "You're stronger than me. Not used to *that*. Like ... ever."

"Well, I'm glad you like it, then," said Joey, resisting the urge to make an off-hand comment about how that wasn't always a good thing. He needed to stop doing that, recognize it for what it was. But not right then. "I'll be careful with you, I promise."

"You don't have to," Justin laughed delightedly, tugging Joey's shirt the rest of the way off and pressing bravely up against him again. "You don't ... you don't have to do anything. We don't even have to do this. Since, you know ... you never really answered me."

"What was I supposed to answer?" asked Joey, grateful to have the shirt off so he could really hold Justin close and remind himself of what it felt like, to have someone love him like this, so unconditionally. "Did I miss something important?"

"I don't think so," Justin replied, ducking his head to lick fleetingly at Joey's ear. "You heard me. It was ... about who you wanted. Which, um, one of us. Or ... two of us."

Joey laughed lightly, *feeling* light, just right then. "You're really looking forward to having more than one person at once, aren't you?" he teased him, kissing Justin's neck with *such* tenderness. Almost reverence. "I think, though, that I've answered that question the best way I can. And we can just see what happens?"

Justin mewled softly and dug his fingers into Joey's shoulders. "But," he exhaled softly. "I mean. If it's not me, then ... we should stop. You can ... you can rest, and I'll go start dinner. You won't hurt my feelings." Joey wanted to laugh out loud at the obvious lie.

"Let's *see*, Justin," he insisted, kissing his neck again. "Let's just take this where it goes. If you're comfortable with me, then I'm comfortable with you. Okay?"

"Okay," Justin agreed quickly, pressing harder with his fingers until Joey could feel his nails. "Okay, Joey." He shivered when Joey lapped at his neck, even gasped softly. "I love you!" he blurted. "I missed you so badly but now I feel like you never left."

"I'll work on that," Joey promised him softly, slipping his hands up Justin's back, feeling how flushed his skin was already. "I won't make fun, that you're eager," he added. "I ... really like that."

"Everybody else does," Justin murmured, his head falling back. "They tease me. But ... it's okay. That way I know they know I want them." He sighed happily. "I know *you* know I want you." Squirming, then, he started tugging on his own collar.

"I'm not everyone else," Joey pointed out, lifting Justin's shirt slowly. "I'm different. I'll treat you different. And I won't tease ... about that at least. I'll have to find all new things to tease you about to make you blush so adorably. How did you stay so *young*, Justin?"

"What do you mean?" Justin sighed, holding his arms up, and Joey smiled to himself, thinking that was exactly what he meant. That Justin couldn't even recognize it.

"You didn't get jaded," whispered Joey, kissing his chest as he pulled Justin's shirt up and off. "I don't know how you did it, but you did, and that's so fucking precious."

"You took care of me?" Justin shrugged, pulling Joey close as soon as his arms were free and kissing him deeply. "All of you, I guess. Mmm, Joey." He tried to press closer, bringing a knee up over Joey's leg.

"How about we keep it like this for a while?" said Joey quietly, taking Justin in for a moment -- his hair, his eyes, his body -- before kissing him again, more deeply and more surely and any that had come before. "This is comfortable."

"Um, okay," Justin agreed, ducking his head and pulling his leg back. "Sorry." He didn't pull away, though, finally loosening his death grip on Joey's shoulders only to run his short fingernails down his spine. "You're warm, too."

"No," said Joey, and before Justin could so much as look at him in confusion he pulled Justin's leg back again. "I said like *this*." He grazed his lips along Justin's cheek, then kissed him again. "I'm only warm because of you."

"Oh," Justin breathed again, manuevering smoothly so that they were pressed together comfortably in that new position. His breathing was coming quicker, and Joey could stare in fascination about the way his lips seemed to just stay parted and wet. "No. Chris is never quite warm like this. Or Lance."

"Well, I'm bigger than they are," said Joey reasonably, licking his own lips as he looked. "More blood, more skin, more sweat. I told you I was different, Justin ... "

"You *are*," Justin exhaled, nodding. "You are, you ... " He cut himself off, capturing Joey's mouth again, fisting his hands against Joey's back and leaning backwards. "You must kiss JC different."

"Different from what?" asked Joey when Justin let him speak again, panting a few times. "Different from this? Different *like* this?" He kissed him again, hard. "This is amazing ... "

Justin nipped gently at Joey's lip, then pulled back so slightly. "Different from this," he agreed breathlessly. "Different ... I mean, not that I really thought he'd tell us everything, but ... I don't know. Maybe it's impossible to describe this."

"Maybe I've just changed," suggested Joey softly, caught by Justin's eyes this time. "Or maybe I just kiss different lips differently. You have different lips from JC, after all ... " He tested them again, though, under the pretense of making sure he was right about that.

"Do I?" Justin asked, his eyes sparkling as he stared at *Joey's* mouth. He didn't disagree, though, just tugged on Joey again aimlessly. Like he wasn't sure where he wanted him, exactly.

"You do," said Joey, gaining confidence again. Justin *so* obviously wanted him to be there -- there was no faking the excitement he and his body were showing -- and maybe the same was true of everyone else. It was certainly true that he desired them, always had, and never thought he would be in this position. "When I finally have you both in bed together, we can compare."

Justin shivered, and gasped a little, like he'd *just* allowed himself to picture that. And it made him clutch tighter at Joey's back, forcing them both to tumble back onto the blankets. Justin had made a big deal about how strong Joey was, but Joey had forgotten how strong Justin could be. Even -- or especially -- when he didn;t realize what they were doing.

He gasped himself as Justin's weight surrounded him, and he made sure his eyes stayed open so he knew who he was with. Which should have told him more than anything else that what he had with Lee was wrong and bad and ... but he still couldn't quite believe that. "Oh, Justin," he mumbled, pressing his face to Justin's neck again. "Take me away, okay?"

"What?" Justin whispered distractedly, his head thrown back and one of his legs automatically wrapping itself around the back of Joey's knee. He was kissing every inch of Joey's face, and ear, and throat, that he could reach. "No, you're here. With me, Joey, and you don't know *how* many times I've imagined you touching me ... "

"No, I don't know," agreed Joey, latching onto that as he stroked his hands up and down Justin's back again, a slow movement in contrast to Justin's quick and frantic ones. "Tell me about it, Justin. Tell me how you've imagined me."

"What?" Justin murmured again, laughing as he breath caught. "Oh, Joey, just ... on me. In me. With ... those big hands and those big arms and that big ... and just, *just* like this," he babbled quietly. "With you telling me that you were sorry we'd never done this before, and that even though I was grown up I wasn't old enough, but now I'm old enough ... "

"You're so wonderful," whispered Joey, believing that wholly and completely as he looked at Justin's face. "I *am* sorry we've never done this before, that we've never been in a position to, because I'm getting the feeling I just don't know what I've been missing ... "

"No, no," Justin murmured, starting to slowly move his hips. "You're not supposed to *really* feel sorry. Because this is supposed to be perfect, this first time being now, and ... and I'd been hoping it might just be the two of us together, because ... I mean, you know I want to do stuff, *everything*, with the other guys, but ... our first time, I wanted to be alone. And ... " He blushed, and bit lightly on Joey's ear. "I'd hoped you'd be with me first."

"It's really easy to be with you," said Joey, shivering momentarily in a way he hadn't in a long time. "You're so good and hot and amazing ... and you help me forget about all the stuff from before, just all of it, all the bad stuff, and focus on what I have -- what I *can* have -- now. You're perfect to be first, Justin. I can't imagine it being anyone else, now ... "

"But if Chris comes up, we'll let him play, too," Justin amended quickly, exposing his neck even more. "He's ... he'd been so nervous, Joey. That you'd say no. But I guess ... I guess he'd heard more, from JC, about. Why you guys didn't work."

"And from me," said Joey softly, letting his tongue swipe along Justin's neck. He was just so sensitive there. "I'll ... I'll make sure he knows that i'm staying. And that he was a big part of convincing me to do it. We both can ... if you want. We both can make sure he knows that I want to be here ... doing this ... "

"If you want me to be there," Justin agreed happily, his head falling back into the pillows and his other leg rubbing against the outside of Joey's hip. "Mmm, Joey. I *was* nervous. That ... that you wouldn't want me, maybe. That me, or one of us, would, like, make you decide not to do this. Or Jace, even. But ... I was more worried about me."

"You really thought i wouldn't want you?" said Joey, lapping at his throat again. "You thought i wouldn't do this because of *you*? Why, Justin?"

He shrugged underneath him, managing to wedge himself even further under Joey's body. "That I wasn't your type, maybe. Or that ... you know, I wasn't, uh, gay enough or something. Or that you'd think I was faking. I had quite a list until Lance the sneak found it and made me stop."

"I think you've already proven more than enough gayness," said Joey, even though that had been one of his big worries. His big criteria. But Justin was way too enthusiastic about this not to really want it, and want it for real. He was old enough to know, now. "And you're definitely my type. And I guess I'll have to thank Lance later for taking care of you like he did."

"I can tell you how to thank Lance," Justin murmured, his voice getting husky in a way that Joey had wonder was practiced. "If you let me watch."

"I don't think I'm going to want you to leave," said Joey, wetting his lips before he kissed Justin again. "I'm thinking ... there's not going to be a whole lot of privacy with the -- god, the five of us -- when it comes to sex."

"No," Justin agreed, smiling slyly, looking eager and excited and Joey couldn't tell if it was from him or from the image or from both. "Not. Is that ... are you worried?" He shifted his hips again, and Joey could suddenly *feel* how excited he was.

"What do I have to be worried about?" he asked, smiling at him, letting his hand run down over Justin's ass lightly. All he had to do was let himself get lost in this, let Justin shield him from the outside world, then he could settle in and just *enjoy* it and not worry about what it might mean. "I love you all."

"The privacy?" Justin prompted, bracing his foot on the bed and pushing up slowly against Joey. Just enough that he could slip his hand under his ass. If he happened to decide to. "What'll happen when you open the door to the room you'll stay in when you visit, and I'm going down on JC right on top of your sheets ... ?"

"Well, that depends," he said, thinking about it while trying to keep it light at the same time. "If I'm tired and cranky, I'd probably tell you to use your own damn room. If I'm just tired, I'll watch. If I'm not tired, I'll join in. How does that sound?"

"We'll both go down on JC at the same time?" Justin asked, his breathing quickening again as his fingers slipped under Joey's waistband. "How will we do that?"

"I don't know," admitted Joey, loving that flush in Justin's cheeks, so wanton and innocent at the same time. Willing to try anything. "I guess we'll have to figure that out. Maybe you'd take the top and I'd take the bottom. Or maybe you'd go down on him and I'd have to rim him. Or maybe I'd just go down on *you* ... "

Justin whimpered and bucked hesitantly against Joey. "Joey, please," he breathed, tugging on the beltloop of his pants. "Are you ... still comfortable? Because ... I know I'm being so ... demanding, or whatever. Or, like, I must seem like I'm hard-up. But ... it's just that it's *you* ... "

"You're eager," said Joey, summing the whole thing up. Justin was *eager* for him. Eager for *him*. "That's not a bad thing. Maybe we could have sex now ... "

"*Really?*" Justin's whole face cleared. "I didn't ... I wasn't sure we would. Today. But if you think we could ... " He bit his lip and before Joey could even chuckle at him, he had Joey's pants unbuttoned and halfway off his hips.

"Just ... you have condoms and everything, right?" he said, laying a hand on Justin's wrist to slow him down. "Otherwise I can just go down on you and we can get something later, no big deal."

Justin squinted at him. "This is JC's room. I thought ... I thought you might know where stuff was." He peeled Joey's pants down farther, ran a hand over the bare flesh. "I can look, but ... "

"Justin," said Joey gently. "Sweetheart. It's been so long since i've been in here. It's not even *arranged* the same way anymore. And we're not doing it without, okay? So don't even think about it."

"I know," Justin grumbled, surprising Joey with his strength again by bucking him off him gently and crawling over the edge of the bed. "Let me just go look." He grinned over his shoulder and unzipped his own pants as he did, letting them fall in a heap on the floor.

Joey shouldn't have been surprised that Justin wasn't wearing any underwear. Still, the sudden view was unexpected, and made him want to get rid of his *own* pants just as soon as he could. "You can always dash to one of the other rooms if you have to," he reminded Justin, then suddenly wondered if any of them actually *used* condoms with one another anymore.

Justin laughed at him as he flicked on the light in the bathroom. "The guest rooms?" he asked. "C's a good host, but that's ... I don't think so, Joey." He started yanking open drawers, mumbling to himself. "Lube, too, huh?"

"Just thought you might've used them already," said Joey, stretching out on the bed, hoping Justin wouldn't be long. "And yeah, I'm *guessing* we're gonna want lube ... most people do ... "

"I know, I know," Justin muttered, banging around and making a whole lot of racket before walking back into the bedroom. "Success," he smiled. "They were buried, but ... well, here." He knelt on the bed, nonchalantly trying to cover himself so his arousal wasn't so obvious, and dropped the packet and the tube on the sheets.

"Thanks," said Joey, worried more than a little that they'd been buried and discreetly checking the expiration date. "You still sure you want this?" He reached for Justin but more to coax him, to see if Justin was going to come back to *him*.

Justin blushed and took Joey's hand, stretching out on his side. "Yes," he said simply. "I'm ... just trying not to look *too* pathetic, here." He smiled awkwardly, which was *very* awkward for Justin, and reached for Joey's pants. "But can these come off?"

Joey looked down at his pants and agreed silently that yes, they could definitely come off. Quickly. "Right, just gimme a sec," he said, sliding off the bed and wriggling out of them, leaving them in a heap on the floor. He didn't even really think about what he was doing, just did it and crawled back up onto the bed again, to Justin. "There."

He saw Justin glance at a bruise on his thigh, then look back up to meet his eyes. "You look really good, Joe," he murmured. "I like the hair."

"That's a funny thing to say when my clothes are off," said Joey, curling into himself a little when he was Justin looking, hoping he wasn't going to change his mind about this now. He hadn't noticed when he'd passed the point of no return, where he'd be crushed if this didn't work out, but he had. "You look really good, too."

Justin laughed lightly, and Joey could tell it was a real laugh, enough that they both relaxed a little. "I'm sorry. I just ... seeing you naked, my brain got kind of mushy. I meant to say it earlier." He reached for Joey's hip, pulling him closer. "Seeing you naked," he repeated softly.

"Yes, we're definitely naked," agreed Joey, wondering just what they were going to do about that now. Justin seemed pretty happy to just look, and to touch a little, and maybe it *was* a good idea to take this slow. It was still a little overwhelming, that he was even here in the first place, that so much had happened, that he was getting back the things he'd lost and finding they'd grown in his absence. "How do you like this, Justin?"

"Hmm?" Justin murmured, still staring, and rubbing Joey's side idly. "I love it," he breathed after a second. "You're ... totally new, but familiar, too. It was ... it was like that, with Chris and Lance, too. But ... different, too."

"No second thoughts?" confirmed Joey. "No wishing you'd never brought it up with me?" He smiled a little, softening the seriousness of the questions. Justin was obviously trying to be patient but he was still wriggling a little bit, his eagerness to be doing this showing through the cracks.

"What? No!" Justin laughed, finally pulling Joey up against him and then sliding on top. "No, no. I'm ... savoring. Are ... *you're* not second-guessing, are you?"

"With a naked Justin in my lap?" said Joey, his smile broadening. "No, I'm definitely not second guessing. I plan to have a fairly massive freak out later tonight, mind you, but no second guessing." He shifted his hips under Justin's body, then wrapped his arms around him. "You want to be on top, then?"

"Oh, um," Justin blinked, running his hands over Joey's shoulders. "Oh. Well ... right. I guess we should ... did you have a preference ... I thought ... you do both?" Joey couldn't tell what was making Justin nervous, unless it was just getting this part decided upon. Or if he was nervous about ... insulting Joey? Assuming too much?

"I asked you first," he pushed gently, wanting to hear what Justin had wanted, or assumed, without letting him just respond to what Joey wanted. "You nervous?"

"A little. I hate this part," he admitted. "And I hate that I don't ... know what you like." He took a breath. "Okay. I climbed on top of you just to touch you, okay? I hadn't even been thinking of who was gonna ... do what to who. Whom. But ... you asked, so ... " He bit his lip. "Could I? Be ... in you?"

"The baby turns out to be a little top, huh?" teased Joey, holding Justin down against him and kissing him softly. "Sure you can. It's what I usually do. Now just relax - aren't I supposed to be the nervous one here?"

"I do both," Justin protested weakly, letting himself be kissed. "If you usually do it the other way, we *totally* can, Joey ... Lance is the only stubborn one about that ... "

"Haven't done it the other way in about a year, actually," Joey admitted to him. " So stop your backpedaling. Someone had to choose, right? So ... which was *does* Lance like it?"

"Oh, he *always* tops," Justin replied matter-of-factly. "Well ... with me. And I guess he will with Chris, too, since Chris almost always does the other. Um, bottoms. Like, always with JC, and most of the time with me. Except ... well, like I said, my first few times. He was on top then. Obviously." He blushed, realized he was rambling. "Okay, this isn't so sexy, this topic. I can stop."

"But I wanted to know," said Joey, making it a point to kiss Justin's neck again since he *knew* Justin thought *that* was sexy. "And if you think the image of Chris bottoming isn't sexy you're so, so wrong. I bet they're all really hot, in bed ... "

"They can be," Justin nodded, tilting his head for Joey. "You'll see. And you already know about JC ... I've only gotten to see him. With Chris, and that's ... " His face got flushed; even his ears turned a little pink. "Yeah."

"I'd like to think I'm pretty sexy bottoming, too," said Joey, shoving out of his mind the way that Lee had told him that. That was different. That had nothing to do with this. "And sometimes watching ... sometimes watching is really hot, you know? I think I like that I'm gonna be getting to watch, sometimes ... "

"I don't think anyone's gonna let you just watch for a while," Justin admitted breathily, his eyes fluttering shut. "Everybody's gonna want to touch you, have you feel ... feel *you* ... " He slipped his hand between their bodies, traced his way down between Joey's legs.

Joey slid one knee up, creating enough of a gap between their bodies for Justin to move his hand down. "I don't mind that either," he said easily. "Of course I don't mind that either. I can't believe ... you all ... " But he still didn't let himself think about it; there would be plenty of time to deal.

"We all what?" Justin mumbled, tucking his head against Joey's neck and carefully cupping his balls with a soft, large hand. "Talk to me, Joey ... I need you comfortable for both of us ... "

Joey moaned instead of talking; Justin was being just so *gentle* with him. "You all ... want me ... want each other ... *we* all ... " He sighed happily and tilted his hips up a little. "You know what I mean by that, Justin, you're a part of it, too. Don't you ever find it unbelievable?"

He could feel Justin smile against his throat. "Yeah," he admitted. "But everything about us had always been unbelievable. Just ... now, with you back, it's gonna be unbelieveable in a good way." He sighed softly and squeezed even more softly. "You talk a lot in bed. Like Chris. I like it."

"I ... should I stop?" said Joey, falling easily into old habits, not even really noticing it. "I can do something else, just tell me what, Justin. Tell me what I should do to make you happy."

Justin moved his hand to pinch lightly at the inside of Joey's thigh. "Stop," he said, his voice doing the husky thing again. "I just said I liked it. And maybe I need to stop comparing what you do to the other guys, but ... I kind of can't help it, our first time. I just want you to keep talking, if that's what you do."

"No," said Joey softly, swallowing, "it's not what I usually do. I just ... couldn't help it, this time. You were letting me and all. And *look* at you, all golden and beautiful ... I shouldn't just be talking, I should be composing odes or something."

"Oh," Justin exhaled softly, and Joey smiled to himself when he felt *Justin's* legs spreading a little at that. "Okay, you definitely have to stay. Lance and Chris aren't much for sweet-talking. Not with me at least ... although Chris kind of seduces C sometimes ... "

"JC likes to be seduced," Joey told him confidentially, brushing his fingers along Justin's skin lightly, touching him everywhere. "This one time ... " He wondered if he should really be telling stories about his other lovers in bed with him, but then figured that the other lover was shared now and maybe this was perfectly appropriate behaviour. "This one time, about six months after we got together, I picked him up in a bar like we didn't even know each other. Bought him drinks and danced with him and convinced him to come home with me. It was great."

"Will you take me dancing?" Justin asked quietly, squirming a little as Joey's hand trailed over his ass. He modified his earlier thought with a smile: the baby might like to top, but he certainly enjoyed bottoming too. Even if he wasn't as comfortable with it yet. "I miss going to clubs with you. Remember how we used to dance together, even before ... before I was into guys?"

"JC always liked those nights," said Joey almost teasingly, letting his hand linger. "Because I'd come home and jump him, you'd get me so worked up." At the look on Justin's face he laughed softly. Happily. "So that's a yes ... I remember. And I'd love to take you dancing again ... some time."

"Tomorrow," Justin said decidedly, and Joey chuckled to himself again. Then Justin's hand moved back between his legs, and he needed that breath to ... breathe. "I should be gentle, yeah? This time?"

"I like it when you're gentle," said Joey softly, resisting the urge to push back against Justin's hand. "It's so ... different. It feels almost new. But you don't have to be, I can take it. *Been* taking it a long longer than you young'n's."

"This time, then," Justin nodded to himself, and Joey watched with a mix of amusement, pride, and surprise as he smoothly grabbed the lube and coated his fingers before Joey noticed his hand was gone.

"I never really dreamed your love of sex would work to my advantage," he murmured, re-angling his body so it became even easier for Justin to touch him. "We're going to have to restock this house with condoms, someone's been falling down on the job."

"Mmm," Justin murmured, not really reacting to that. "For a while, I guess, yeah. Until you get tested again at least." He glanced up, gave Joey a very adult smile, and slipped a finger into his body. "Sorry we didn't anticipate."

Joey couldn't react to the confirmation of his suspicions right away, not with Justin suddenly inside him, already, all slick and thick but still gentle. "I figured," he said finally, when he could again, when the surprise had passed. "That you guys didn't, anymore. It'll be a while for me, though, you know ... so we'd better stock up anyway. Because I think I might want to do this a lot."

"JC'll be sad," Justin murmured, leaning forward and letting his weight push his finger deeper into Joey. "He remembers doing it without, with you." He moved his hand gently, almost teasingly slow. "Fondly."

"So do I," murmured Joey, closing his eyes for a moment. "But better safe ... 'cause of ... well, you know where I've been. Who I've been with. We don't need to ... I don't want to talk about that right now. Um ... more, maybe, Justin?" It was his turn to squirm as Justin moved *so* slowly.

"I wasn't trying to convince you that we shouldn't," Justin explained, and waited until Joey acknowledged that before slipping two more fingers inside him at once. "Um ... am I doing this the way you like?"

Joey moaned and squirmed and finally nodded his head. "You're doing great," he said, panting softly. "You really know what you're doing ... never would have guessed before ... just don't stop now ... " Being gentle, he discovered, did not keep Justin from making him feel full and fucked and oh, so turned on.

Justin gripped Joey's hip carefully to slide him further under his body, then used that hand to lift the condom wrapper to his mouth and tear it open with his teeth. This was practiced too -- less surprisingly -- the way he manuevered the condom onto his cock one-handed. Then he pushed carefully on Joey's knee, raising it into the air, and without any sort of request -- Joey would have sworn he'd ask permission like he had for everything else -- he was spreading Joey carefully and pushing his way inside.

A part of him had been ready for it, but another part couldn't have imagined what this would be like, with Justin. He opened his mouth but there was nothing he could say right then that matter, or that would express the mix of sensations and emotions he was feeling. So instead he get let a gasp escape and then finally *did* push back against Justin, wanting to feel even more.

"Oh, careful," Justin warned breathily, before moving his fingers and helping Joey move his hips up. "How is that?" he murmured, ducking his forehead to Joey's shoulder and holding still deep inside him.

"Full," murmured Joey, taking that moment to get used to the feel of Justin inside him and wrapped around him and all over him. "Good. Love you guys. Missed you so much."

"Missed you, Joey," Justin replied, mouthing at the skin on his shoulder and then moving his own hips experimentally. "You're ... so warm, and your legs ... " He thrust carefully, then dragged Joey's knee up higher to press against his own ribcage.

Joey didn't dare move his own limbs, Justin had them both so meticulously positioned, felt like. And what he was doing felt so good, too, he didn't dare to anything to upset that. He opened his eyes wide, wanting to see everything now, not wanting to miss a thing, a single drop of sweat that trickled down Justin's face. "Don't worry," he told him wth a smile. "I won't break."

"I'm not worried about you," Justin replied, with an answering smile. "Not anymore." He thrust again, a little harder, and that smile turned into a grin when Joey grunted.

"I see that," he managed to get out from between gritted teeth. He didn't know how Justin was hard and tender at the same time, but he liked it and he wanted more of it. He wasn't sure he'd ever be able to get enough of it.

"Do I get ... to take care of you?" Justin asked quietly, driving into Joey's body with smooth strokes each time he paused. "Lance and Chris and Jace ... all still take care of me, so ... can I ... take care of you? Especially?"

Joey smiled because that was just the sweetest thing, and coming in combination of Justin's thrusts inside Joey's body -- that was just what Justin *was*, a combination of sweetness and tenderness and blistering heat. "Okay," he got out finally. He would have been willing to agree to almost anything, right then, but especially that. Especially having someone care about him *that* much.

"They'll want to, too," Justin continued, the slightly faster motion of his hips and the slightly heavier panting the only signals that this was affecting him as much as it was affecting Joey. "And I know I have to share, but ... I'll always help you first, Joey."

Joey clutched him tightly and leaned up to claim a kiss. "And I'll let you," he said, everything else just melting away, finally. "I'll let you help me, Justin. I'll let all of you help me."

"I'm glad you're here," repeated Justin, then he felt silent, and closed his eyes, and seemingly started to really concentrate on what he was doing. Aiming his strokes. Searching for that extra inch. Driving Joey crazy with his too-steady pace.

"God," whispered Joey, letting himself be taken along. He hadn't even imagined Justin with guys, so he certainly hadn't imagined Justin would be like this. That thing he was doing with his hands, though, the way he was holding Joey -- that was familiar. And he guessed that Justin had learned it from Chris who had learned it from JC. It was as comforting and exciting as it was strange that they could all be *that* intimate with each other. Or would be, soon.

"Joey?" Justin whispered after a moment, slowing down. "Am I doing something wrong?" He rotated his hips experimentally. "JC said you could come, without ... is it me?"

"Justin ... Justin ... " he breathed, biting back a chuckle, clutching at his back with one hand. "I can, I can. Just ... stop thinking about what JC says about me. Don't fuck the memory of me that JC has, Justin, just fuck *me*, I'm right here." He moved his hips back against Justin again, trying to get back what he had. "And don't stop *now* ... "

Justin gasped, gripping Joey harder again when he bucked against him, picking up those smooth, smooth strokes once more. Then he caught Joey's eyes, and his own crinkled in surprise. And then ... *then* he finally started pounding Joey into the bed with powerful, powerful hips and a still-soft grip on Joey's arm.

"Yessss," hissed Joey, throwing his *own* body into it now. He could come just from this, though he hadn't in a while. He knew he would this time, now that Justin was so clearly focused on him, and so clearly enjoying *him*self, too. Justin's smile alone was almost more of a turn on than any other part of his body.

"You're totally sexy bottoming," Justin blurted, and Joey had to laugh, remembering what he'd said earlier. "God." He twisted his hips and pushed deeper.

"Oh," Joey breathed as Justin hit just right, just perfectly, and he knew he would last maybe one or two more strokes before he started coming. "Yeah ... keep going ... keep going ... " He squeezed his eyes shut, and clawed at Justin's skin and practiically threw his body back against Justin's.

Justin grunted, and pushed up on his knees, and all at once Joey felt his body being spread wider and Justin's cock being forced deeper and Justin yelping in surprise and freezing as he obviously started coming before he'd wanted to.

"Justin!" he blurted out, still clawing him, still clutching him close, not letting him back out an inch as he felt the wave of his own orgasm rise and then slam into him, leaving him gasping and shaking and pulsing. He didn't care about the mess or what he looked like, tugging Justin again and finding his lips so he could put all of his overflowing feelings into that kiss.

"Oh," Justin whimpered, kissing Joey in return, meeting his eyes and then absolutely peppering his face with more kisses. "I'm sorry ... but that was so good ... and you *surprised* me, bucking like that ... "

"Good," said Joey a moment later, when he'd caught his breath. "Cause you surprised me, too. It was only fair." He didn't have to ask Justin if it was good, that would just diminish the whole experience. They both *know* it was good -- the evidence of that was on him and inside him, and kissing him.

"Right," Justin nodded. "Sure." He kissed Joey briefly and then rolled off of him, flopping onto his back on the bed and draping a leg over Joey's knee, exhaling exaggeratedly. "Yum."

Joey felt suddenly empty -- completely, achingly empty -- as soon as Justin had moved off of him. He whimpered softly and wasn't sure if Justin wanted Joey to pull him back or leave him be. "Suddenly cold in here," he murmured.

"What?" Justin asked, his eyes closed. He blinked them open after a minute and turned onto his side, laying a very warm hand on Joey's stomach and pressing the length of his body against Joey's shoulder, and ribs, and hip. "Are you kidding? I'm all sweaty. And hot. And the minute I start cooling down, I think about what you just looked like, and ... mmm. Still hot." He thrust gently against Joey's thigh with his *very* slowly wilting cock.

Joey had to smile, a little, at that relentless eagerness. His legs were still spread and he could feel where Justin had been, only moments before. "Not as young as I used to be," he said, licking his lips slowly. "Glad I'm still good enough at that, though."

Justin laughed brightly and hopped up off the bed, making a face and peeling away the condom as he did. "And *I'm* glad JC and Chris are in that guest wing downstairs. I was so worried we'd get interrupted ... "

Joey nodded his head, turning it to watch the way Justin moved, so full of energy, still. "Justin?" he said quietly. "Sweetheart? Can you come back here a minute?"

Pausing with the condom still in his hand, Justin looked back at him with a look of concern. "Oh, what? Sure. Wait. Before or after this?" He held it up. And blushed.

Joey smiled back gently. "Go ahead and take care of that," he said. "Then just ... come back here. Right here." And he patted the bed next to him for emphasis so Justin couldn't mistake what he meant by that.

"No, I will," Justin nodded. "I was." He cracked his back as he moved into the bathroom, ran the water for a minute, and came back with a damp towel. He smiled impishly at Joey and threw himself back on the bed. Right where Joey had wanted him. And before Joey could say anything, tugged him down for a wet kiss.

"Justin ... " said Joey as Justin's kisses moved onto his cheekbone. "Justin ... I just ... " He reached out and took Justin's arm and physically wrapped it around himself. "There. Stay." Then he let his head rest against Justin's shoulder and slowly closed his legs, curling around Justin's body.

Justin's own movements slowed, and he gave Joey a gentle squeeze before falling completely still. "Joey?" he mumbled into the top of Joey's head. "If ... if there was something wrong, you should tell me. That's ... part of taking care of you."

"I *am* telling you," said Joey, nuzzling his skin. "There was nothing wrong. I just wanted ... you to be here, still. And so I made it happen. This is good, right? For you? Or do you, um, *need* to be up and moving around right now?"

"No," Justin breathed softly, and Joey could feel his body relaxing. "No, not at all. This is nice. Nice. I'm ... thank you for asking for what you wanted." He curled his legs up too. "You feel so good."

"Still feel empty," murmured Joey. "Still feel like you should be inside me." He kissed Justin's shoulder, then lifted his head to smile at him. "Just so you know? That was amazing. You never have to doubt that I want to be with you. And even without the "amazing", you're special, Justin."

"Thank you," Justin repeated, much more softly. "Thank you, Joey, I ... " He closed his eyes, then shook his head carefully before opening them again and changing what he was obviously going to say. "I can be inside you again, you know," he grinned.

Joey chuckled and shook hi s head at him. What they were doing right now, he needed more. "You wanna know how to help me, Justin?" he said quietly, kissing his shoulder again. "Remember that i need to feel loved. And I'm probably never gonna admit that again so ... just remember."

"I'll do my best," Justin promised sweetly. "I- " "Justin, you're a lying piece of platinum crap, and if it -- whoa." Both of them looked up in surprise at the deep voice coming from a now-open doorway; Justin even pushed himself up on his elbow. "Lance!" he complained. "Closed door, remember?" But Lance wasn't really looking at Justin, or paying him any attention.

Joey didn't even really lift his head for a moment, further than it had taken to see who was at the door. Even though, from the moment he'd heard the voice, of course he'd known who it was. "Hey Lance," he said finally, glad at least some parts of his body were covered for the moment. Lance would get his chance to see him, sure, but it also made Joey feel vulnerable and he'd had enough of that, lately. "Um. Get everything worked out?"

Justin grunted and curled back around Joey, holding him even tighter. Joey smiled at his possessiveness. "Hey Joey," Lance breathed softly in return. He could hear him closing the door; behind him, obviously. "Yeah, I ... I was just ... the press, you know. Um. Wecome back?"

Those two words could mean so very many things, and Joey figured it was probably all of them. "Yeah," he said quietly, lifting a hand to stroke Justin's hair. "I'm back. You ... missed some stuff when you were out there covering our asses."

"Thanks, Lance," Justin mumbled, hitching closer to Joey and then growing so still that he had to wonder if he was going to sleep.

"Apparently," Lance said dryly, his breathing getting closer and closer until Joey realized he'd taken a seat on the loveseat under the window. "This is ... does it mean you're back? "'Cause if so, that's *great*, Joey. That's just ... you don't know how great."

Joey gave him a smile, still stroking Justin. "They kept saying you were the one that was supposed to talk to me about it," he said, "but obviously they did just fine on their own. I ... yeah, I'm staying for a while. I'm back. But there are still lots of details to work out, I think."

"Well- " Lance started, before Justin interrupted again. "No. No details. You're staying." He squirmed closer. "He called and broke up with that guy," he said louder. To Lance. "With Lee."

"There are still details, baby," protested Joey, kissing his forehead gently then looking at Lance again. "I ... I did, though. Broke up with Lee. Well ... broke up with his voicemail anyway. Maybe ... " He screwed up his face as he thought about what Lee's reaction was going to be. "Maybe I should get someone to keep an eye on my place. He might ... do stuff."

Finally looking at Lance, he saw just how big the smile on his face was. How he wasn't even bothering to act cool and reserved. "Done," he said. "I'll get on the phone in a minute. As soon as Timberlake gets his ass up and finds me dinner, like he promised."

"Yeah, that's kind my fault," said Joey, responding to that broad smile, actually feeling playful. They really were going to take care of this, do what it took to keep him there, with them. "Kept him busy for the last while. Wouldn't let him leave." He gave Justin a soft kiss on the lips and smiled at him, too. "So what are we having for dinner?"

"Um, you tell me?" Justin looked up with his best puppy eyes. "You know I can't cook. Especially in C's kitchen." He glanced over his shoulder at Lance, and squirmed a bit at whatever look the other man must have given him. "Or. I'll just go pick up Chinese."

Joey held him close for another moment before finally letting him go. "Okay," he said softly. "Do what you need to do. I won't be hard to find when you come back." Justin's eyes were so bright when he looked at Joey he couldn't help but smile *again*. He started to worry his face would crack from all this smiling.

Justin sighed and took his time sitting up and finding his pants. "Oh, for Pete's sake, Justin," Lance said. "Just go. He'll be here when you get back. You've probably even already convinced him tha- " He cut himself off, this time, when Justin -- fully clothed -- bent down to kiss Joey passionately, sucking recklessly at his tongue. Joey's eyes fell shut, but he didn't need to see to know that Lance was probably staring.

He curled his hand around the back of Justin's neck and held him there as they kissed, longer than any other they'd shared. Sure, Justin was trying to prove something, but he wasn't *just* trying to prove something and the kiss left Joey breathless. "You've pretty much just assured that I'm never going anywhere," he teased, letting his hand fall away and dropping his voice a little. "You still get to be first, Justin. Always."

"I know," Justin murmured, moving his lips next to Joey's ear. "I'll show you how happy that makes me later." He nipped his earlobe quickly, then whispered even softer. "Lance is happy too. Don't let that attitude fool you." He pulled back, then, leaving Joey feeling more exposed, even with the warm smile he gave him before he shut the door behind him. "I bet he forgets the lo mein," Lance grumped.

"Justin always forgets something," Joey replied conversationally, at the same time as he groped on the floor for at least his boxers to put back on. "It's part of his charm, after all. But then ... I guess I don't need to tell you about Justin's charms, huh?"

"Well, they didn't leave anything for me to tell you, did they," Lance mused, stretching out on the sofa and staring openly at Joey's body. "Or ... do for you?"

Joey finally snagged the boxers and pulled them on quickly, the thin black fabric feeling so much more substantial than it really was, all of a sudden. "Chris and JC don't know yet," he said a moment later, staring at the wall near Lance's head. "I mean ... me and Chris talked about it, some, and fought about it some -- and I'm sure he told JC that -- but ... they don't really know that I said yes. That I decided." He gestured vaguely at the bed. "This was the first ... "

"That's okay," Lance spoke over him, his tone measurably softer. "It's ... I don't think anyone would be concerned that it was Justin." He gave him a hesitant smile. "It was nice?"

Joey smiled back. "It was nice," he agreed. "It was right. I'm a little ... I'm a *lot* mixed up about what's happening and how it's gonna work and ... still *why*, I guess. But it was just so nice, Lance. All of it is."

"Good," Lance nodded, then shifted in his seat before gesturing at the bed. "May I?" he asked, looking like he wouldn't even consider moving closer if he didn't have expressed permission.

Joey moved over slightly and hoped that looked inviting enough, but he nodded his head as well. "Is this where you explain a few things to me, the right way?" he asked. "Because I don't know if ... it's not that they explained it wrong, it's my own thing. How I ... saw things, that happened."

Lance slipped over to sit on the edge of the bed, and opened his mouth, but pulled Joey into a tight hug first. "Joey," he said, that deep voice rumbling against Joey's bare chest. "God. It's ... it's just good to have you here. I needed to say that first."

"I think it's good to be here," he replied, though his voice came out uncertain. "There are still a lot of things ... no, it's good. I know it's good. I just have to work out a lot of stuff with you guys."

"That's what I'm here for," Lance explained, still not letting go. "You know me. It's ... I'd feel like I was really helping, if you ... let me help." He chuckled. "So how did Kirkpatrick mangle all this, after all."

Joey snickered, appreciating Lance precisely because he *was* so different from the rest. "Well, like I said ... we fought. I don't think he expected my protests, exactly. What they'd be. Probably figured I was being a real prick about the whole thing, and you know how Chris gets. Plus -- plus -- there's ... JC. So we were already kinda stressed."

Lance nodded, and rubbed Joey's back lightly. "He's ... he's super-defensive of JC, now," he explained. "Which probably ... you know. Made it tough for two reasons. So ... are you guys okay, now?"

Joey nodded, but again, unsurely. "I think so," he said. "I mean, yes, we're okay. But him and me ... we still need to work some stuff out. Between him and Justin they got the job done. Chris to keep me in line and Justin to ... well, coddle me a litlte." He gave Lance a sheepish grin. "Turns out he's pretty good at that. Chris riled me up and Justin got me soothed again."

"Some things never *ever* change," Lance lamented, and Joey could hear the smile. "You and Chris ... you guys will be fine. I've seriously never met two people who were more down-to-earth ... you have a lot more in common than I think either of you realize." He squeezed Joey again and finally let go. "Where is Chris? In with JC?"

"Yeah," said Joey, nodding slightly. "He needed to see him. And I'm really starting to understand why. I got to talk to JC a little, too, before. Not much, just ... enough. To know that he's gonna be okay. Thank God. I guess ... he and I were close enough for Chris to replace me for a while, huh?"

"Not replace you," Lance shook his head, looking concerned at that. "Chris ... never thought that was what he was doing. JC didn't ... Joey, you were, like, this huge love in his life. And Chris isn't you. He was ... his own thing for JC."

"No, sorry," said Joey, shaking his head and sighing. "I didn't really mean that. Actually, I would have been less surprised if JC had gone for someone not at all like me, and female, the way things ended between us. Guess I'm still a little bitter."

"You're allowed to be," Lance promised, playing with his watch. "There's stuff I'm bitter about too. So ... " He looked at Joey, cocked his head. "You gonna make me ask for a kiss too? Or are you gonna realize it might be nice not to start playing favorites *so* early in the game?"

Joey laughed, suddenly disarmed by that simple request. "The other two, there was a lot of talking first," he admitted sheepishly. "Guess I'm falling into a pattern already." He stared at his knees for a moment, then turned his head and leaned in and kissed Lance softly.

Lance let him end the kiss as soon as he wanted, and when he licked his lips afterwards it was considering. "Nice," he murmured finally. "I did always wonder."

"The first one is always nice," said Joey as he watched Lance's tongue dart out. "I wondered about you, too. So ... did you hear all sorts of stories from JC, or did you wonder all on your own?"

Joey thought he caught Lance rolling his eyes a little. "Uh, on my own. Some of us guessed about what you had to offer before others of us even ... decided they liked guys. So." He bent over and grabbed Joey's shirt off the floor, pulling it into his lap and fidgeting with the buttons.

Joey chuckled again, watching him. "Come on, Lance," he said, nudging him lightly. "This is me, still getting used to the idea here. It's been ... a hell of a day so far already. So much going on. Think my brain might be full, and anything I knew before today is leaking out to make room for the new stuff."

"I can understand that," Lance said gently, putting down the shirt. "So. You said you had questions? What can I tell you, Joe, to set your mind at ease."

Joey kissed him again, briefly, before saying anything. "I'm not sure I actually have *questions*," he said, toying with the waistband of his boxers. "This is just a little hard for me to take all at once. I don't know ... " He eyed Lance a bit warily. "I don't know how much you know, about my life ... "

Lance stretched out on his side, a non-commital expression on his face. "Well. I know you have -- *had* -- this boyfriend. Lee? Who JC didn't like, although he never said why." He glanced down, and Joey wanted to wrap his arms around himself again, forgetting he was bare-chested and Lance *had* to have seen the bruises. "I already had a guess, though."

"It's not what it looks like," he mumbled, but that was stupid. If he wasn't honest with Lance about this, one of the other guys would be. "I mean ... I'm just saying ... I came here and I had a boyfriend. This *morning* I had a boyfriend, and he wasn't great, but he was mine. And now I don't have him, and I have four other people, and I'm still not quite clear on how that happened. How I got so lucky."

"Oh, Joey," Lance chuckled. "You say you're lucky now, but ... this is pure chaos. You need to be prepared for that. Even if there isn't the group anymore, we're all still the same people. And the things that drove you crazy about Chris and Just and JC and me will still drive you crazy." He smiled fondly. "There's a reason I haven't moved back. Yet."

Joey just shook his head, though. "Don't think I don't know that," he said, remembering the way things had been with Chris all day. "But it's still good. And I *am* lucky. i don't deserve this, Lance, but somehow I have it anyway. And I can't doubt that it's really happening anymore."

"Nope," Lance stretched again. "You fucked Jup. It's really happening -- and it's really great that you said yes, Joey. *Really* great. Things were getting ... tenuous. And Jace, he misses you bad. We all do, but he ... well, he does."

"That ... surprises me, still," admitted Joey, finally just giving in and stretching out next to him. "Things didn't end so well between us, Lance. I know you know that."

Lance graced him with a small smile. "Oh, yeah. I know. Joey ... look, in the interest of full disclosure, here? I'm ... Chris wasn't the only one who, uh, offered to be there for JC when you actually left."

"Oh," said Joey quietly, watching Lance for any clues as to what happened between them. He felt cold again. Exposed. And wondered why he was even here when JC was what they all wanted. "I didn't ... I was gone at least, though, right? I mean ... you guys waited until I was gone? At least?"

"Oh, Joey," Lance sighed, leaning forward to kiss Joey firmly. Not caring -- there was no way he couldn't notice -- that Joey ducked his head. "Come on. It was *because* you left, not ...not *once* you left. God. What did Chris tell you, seriously? You seem to have a really messed up picture about what life was like when you ... were gone."

"No, he did it right," Joey told him with a sigh. "He told me that you all missed me, and that it wasn't the same when I was gone. Which ... you know, I have to wonder why I'm just hearing that for the first time years later, though. You all let me think that .. " He closed his eyes, not wanting to go through all of this again, not wanting to hear more excuses. "I always thought that I wasn't wanted."

"Do you want an apology?" Lance asked evenly. "Would that help? I'm not really sure what you're looking for, here, Joey ... you know we want you here now. And it seems like everyone's told you that we didn't like you being gone. What am I missing?"

"I'm not *asking* for anything," snapped Joey. "Except maybe ... time, to get over all those years I believed that. You guys can't just make me forget in an afternoon. Just like I can't make you forget that I wasn't here. And none of us can forget who I've become ... and what i've been doing ... and who I've been with ... "

"Whoa, okay," Lance sat up. "No wonder you and Chris fought. You'll get plenty of time, Joey. And plenty of really unconditional love. But try not to push us away, okay?"

"Maybe I don't remember how not to," muttered Joey, staring down at his own body again. "It's been a long time and I guess ... I guess I've believed a lot of really wrong things. Still do -- can't seem to shake them just yet."

"That *will* take time," Lance noted, pulling Joey against him again. "Just work with us. Don't abandon us, even inside your own head. Think about Justin's sweet smile and they way he'd do anything for you. Think about how Chris had the guts to talk to you first. Think about JC. Believe the good things."

"Would I even be here if I wasn't?" Joey reminded him, smiling as he felt Lance so close, and *did* feel that same affection from him as he had from the rest. "I broke up with him, Lance. With Lee. Even knowing what he might do."

"And what is that?" Lance replied practically. "What *do* you think he might do, Joey? I mean ... I'm not blind." He gestured to Joey's ribs. "I see that. Do you think we'll let you alone with him?"

"I think that if I wanted to be, you would," countered Joey, but he was beginning to doubt even that, now. He wasn't sure Justin would even let him get on a flight home alone, might latch himself to Joey's legs until he let him go along. "I do have to go home eventually, Lance. And he knows where I live. I'll change the locks and everything, but ... I won't be able to avoid him forever."

"And what do you think he'll do?" repeated Lance, his voice even. "Joey. What are you scared of? People break up every day. Even ... even with unstable people. What do you think he'll really *do*?"

"Lance ... " said Joey wearily, rubbing his temple with three fingers. "Are you asking me because you don't know, or are you asking me because you want me to say it?"

"I want to know how bad you think it will be," Lance admitted. "I want to know if we need to call Lonnie, get some guys from his team back. I want to know if we're talking about him trashing your place, or trashing ... you."

"Both," said Joey, his head aching just thinking about it. "It's entirely possibly he's trashing my place as we speak. Me ... he'll have to wait until I go home again. And, I mean, it's not like I don't get some back. It's not like I a small guy or something, Lance ... "

"Stop," Lance insisted. "Stop. I don't want to hear about how you get yours in. I don't ... I've never seen you hit anyone, Joe. I've even seen *JC* hit someone, but not you. I don't ... let me just go on without having to picture it." He crossed his arms. "So, Lonnie, then."

"I can take care of myself, Lance," he muttered, shaking his head at him. "I wouldn't mind having someone seal up my place while I'm gone, make sure he's out. But I don't need someone babysitting me. I can defend myself. I have before."

"Fine," Lance said tightly, then stood up. Joey thought he was honestly going to leave, to just leave him in there, before he turned back around, lips in a tight line. "You know, you could *let* us help. We want to. We're not going to stop wanting to, no matter how much you protest you don't need it. You come here with bruises, and maybe they're not like JC's, but that doesn't make them any less senseless. You *need* it."

"We just had a fight, Lance," said Joey weakly. "Look ... you guys are making me feel like ... nevermind. Do whatever you think I need, Lance, you're probably right. I've never been good at this stuff."

"I love you, Joey," Lance said softly. "We love you very much. Why don't ... why don't you just stay in here for a little bit. Get some rest. I'll send Justin up when he gets back with dinner, and then we can all talk a little more then. Talk about details. Talk about whatever you want. Is ... is that okay? Or did you want to see JC again?"

"Is that how you want to do this?" asked Joey honestly. "I'm sure I'm not handling this whole thing very well at all. But there's just ... there's not a lot of things that'll help me with Lee that won't just make things worse, is all, is how I see it."

"How is having somebody with you if you might see him making it worse?" Lance asked, his brow furrowed. "Seriously. It's not forever, just ... just until he's let go. So he might make fun of you for not being able to stand up to him or something. Would that be that bad?"

"For my reputation? Yes," said Joey, giving Lance a smile that he didn't seem to appreciate. "I'm not singing pop anymore, Lance. But ... doesn't seem to me like he'll give up easy, and having someone around me might make him angrier. He gets a little ... you know. When he's angry. And I'd rather not end up with any permanent injuries." Staying away from the city for a while was actually sounding like a better and better idea.

"Hence the 'someone being around you' thing," Lance pointed out. "Look ... you can tell how fucking freaked we are about Jace. Do you think we could go through that again? Especially when we just got you back? Just ... let it go, Joey. Please. For us, if not for you."

"I did break up with him, Lance," Joey reminded him. "That was ... a big thing. Probably harder than you guys think. So ... it's a start, okay? I'm doing my best. You may not think so, none of you, but I am."

"We know you are," Lance assured him. "We really do. And we're proud of you. Well, me and Justin. And the other guys will be when they hear. JC especially." He walked back over and squeezed Joey's shoulder. "And try to be a little happy? This is a good thing?"

Joey chuckled suddenly and his smile felt more genuine. "I just slept with Justin, Lance. Trust me, I'm pretty happy right now. Confused, sure, but it all feels pretty good here. Even talking -- " He broke off for a moment, remembering JC's version of 'talking'. " -- even talking to JC made me happy. Though I fuckin' bawled like a baby, after."

Lance's face hardened. "Did he ... did he say something to you? He didn't, did he?" He backpedaled. "I mean ... he sometimes doesn't know what he's saying, the drugs, so ... "

Joey frowned at him. "Lance, what are you *talking* about? What would JC have said? I was just talking about ... about his voice. What the fuckers did to his voice."

"Oh," Lance nodded, looking relieved. "Oh, yeah. It's ... we haven't really talked about it. He kind of ... he knows. I mean, the doctors told him. But we think he's ... kind of pretending it'll go away." He sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "Well, we'll deal with that when he can sit up again."

"Chris said it might," said Joey hopefully. "Go away I mean. It will, won't it? It'll heal up and be fine? I can't ... I don't know what he'll do, if it doesn't ... "

"Okay, shh, Joey," Lance said, rubbing the back of Joey's neck gently. "Like I said, we'll deal with it. We have a long way to go before we get there. Nothing's for sure yet; Chris is right about that." He squinted at him. "On second thought, let's go get you a drink. You can wait for Justin with me."

Joey hesitated before nodding. "You think I should put clothes on?" He looked down at his hands, then his body. "Okay, yeah, clothes first. So ... what did you think JC had said to me, Lance?"

"I just ... worried. That he had said something about you leaving. I really didn't think he would, it's just ... this has messed him up. He's being brave but it's *really* messed him up. And he's said some pretty crazy shit to the rest of us." Lance handed Joey his shirt.

Joey dressed quickly before answering, letting the sheer weight of the day start to press down on him. "Something like that can't happen and not mess you up," he said quietly a few moments later. "He's lucky he had all of you here for him. That he knew he had that kind of love to come back to."

"Well, it's JC," Lance murmured, nudging Joey out of the room. "He's been there for us. And loved us through a lot." He closed the door softly behind them. "So he didn't say anything, then? That's good."

"He said things I didn't want to hear," admitted Joey, "but nothing ... like what you're suggesting he might have said." He paused in the middle of the hallway, then yanked Lance close and kissed him again. "I do want your help," he whispered, "it's just sometimes I can't ask."

"I know that," Lance said, his face softening. "I know that, Joey. You just need to work on saying yes when we offer. Or at least not saying no." He kissed him again, and hummed a little, then rested a hand on the small of Joey's back. "Let's go get Chris."

"Habits are hard things to break," he murmured, and kissed Lance one last time before letting him lead them away. Even given the volatility of their friendship, he was looking forward to seeing Chris again already, looking forward to being able to tell him that he was staying. It was actually JC that was going to be the hardest.

They walked down the stairs in a comfortable silence, not really touching but not needing to, until they came to JC's door. Left cracked, a little, so Lance didn't even bother to look deterred as he pushed it open -- revealing Chris on the bed with JC, curled around him. Wide awake.

Joey wasn't sure what the appropriate etiquette here was, though he realized he'd have to figure it out in order to get by. The open door meant that they didn't mind being disturbed, that much was clear, but everything else was still a mystery. "Um. Hey," he said finally. Softly. "Um. Lance is back."

"So I see," Chris whispered, not moving. But his eyes did look like they were digesting Joey's rumpled appearance. "Where's Justin?" "Getting Chinese," Lance answered mildly, but Chris was still staring at Joey.

"Getting Chinese," Joey echoed him faintly, looking down at himself the same way Chris was. "Almost dinnertime. Um. Worked up an appetite, a little ... " He looked up and caught Chris's eyes and smiled, just a little.

Chris's eyebrows raised, and the corners of his mouth curved up. "Yeah?" he whispered. "That's ... hey. Cool." He let his eyes run over Joey's body again. "Now get out." "Jesus, Chris," Lance grunted, before throwing up his hands and leaving Joey alone in the room with him. And a still-unconscious JC.

"Um ... what?" said Joey nervously, looking back at the door, then at Chris again. "I just ... I thought you would be ... you want me to ... ?"

"Shhh!" Chris hissed at him. "Just ... I can't ... I have to stay here. For when he wakes up. Which I don't want him doing just yet, so ... " He froze when JC exhaled softly. "Shit."

Joey took a step backwards towards the door, watching them both warily. "I'll just go wait with Lance, then," he said, keeping his voice low, wishing Lance had never brought him here. "Justin'll be back soon. I'll ... save you some rice or something."

JC mumbled something, then made a sound that suspiciously resembled a whimper, and Joey could just see the tension rise in Chris's body. "Don't worry about it," he sighed, his voice at a more normal volume. "He needs a pill soon, anyway. Come here?"

Joey took another look at the door, then figured running wasn't an option. Whatever Chris was going to say, and however Chris was going to react, he was going to hear it now. And he was going to hear it while Chris was wrapped around JC. "We shouldn't have come," he muttered aloud, quieter than Chris had. "Sorry."

"Just come *here*, Joey," Chris said, closing his eyes. "If I didn't want anyone to come in, I would have locked the door." He made his voice more gentle. "Please? I don't want him waking up and seeing you looking like that."

"Oh, right," muttered Joey, as he walked up to the edge of the bed. "First you push me to do it, now I'm supposed to feel guilty for it. Fucking headgames, Chris."

"What?" Chris looked honestly confused as he squirmed slightly to try and free a hand from under JC's limp body. "Wait, what did you think I meant? I just didn't want him seeing us fighting, and you looking all ... cowed."

"I'm not *cowed*," said Joey vehemently, "and that wasn't a fight. I know fights, Chris. I thought you meant ... " He gestured at himself vaguely. "What you so obviously noticed before, when I came in."

"Oh, no," Chris's face cleared. "No. That's ... that's a good thing," he insisted, snagging Joey's beltloop. "Uh ... isn't it? I *thought* I saw a hint of a smile when you came in." He looked down at the top of JC's head when he made some more nonsensical noises, then rolled his eyes at Joey. And smiled.

"Well, I thought it was," said Joey, smiling again. "And Justin and Lance thought it was. And I figured you would, too, when I told you. That ... I'm staying for a while. I called Lee. "

"What?" Chris's jaw dropped a little. "You ... I'm gonna kill that kid. Justin. He wasn't supposed to let you use the phone." Chris didn't even bother to look guilty for having obviously told Justin exactly that. "Dammit. Are you okay?"

"I had to wrestle him for it," admitted Joey; Justin didn't deserve to be in trouble with Chris. "Lee wasn't answering his cell phone so I left him a message. Broke up with him. I don't think he's gonna be too happy about that."

"I don't doubt it," Chris agreed, then sighed again. "Well ... that's great. I thought you hadn't decided, though ... ?" JC moaned again, this time saying something that sounded an awful lot like 'Joey,' and Chris gave Joey a gentle smile.

"Well, obviously I did," said Joey, watching JC instead of Chris, though. "Me and Justin wouldn't have ... if I hadn't. Isn't that dumb? I wouldn't cheat on him."

"No," Chris assured him, brushing a finger over JC's forehead. "No, that doesn't surprise me at all, actually. You were always ... you always took commitment -- however you defined it -- seriously. Whether or not the other person deserved it." He closed his eyes. "So, Justin, huh. I ... for a minute, I thought it was Lance."

"Oh!" said Joey, his eyes widening. "No ... no, Lance hasn't been here long. He kinda walked in on us, actually. Justin got mad at him cause the door was closed but I guess he wasn't expecting ... me. And why would he be, anyway?"

"I guess he wouldn't," Chris smiled again, then chuckled a little. "So. Justin. Huh." He winked at Joey just as he pressed a careful kiss to JC's shoulder, looking very much like he's picked that place on purpose.

"What? Is there something wrong with it being Justin?" asked Joey, not entirely serious. "It was ... exactly what I needed it to be. Except the part where I practically had to tie him down to get him to hold me. Is he *always* like that?"

"What, you mean after?" Chris chuckled. "You actually managed to get him back in the bed? That's more than we can do, usually. He doesn't ... something about not wanting to be complacent in his recovery, or something like that. He's a freak." He shifted his and JC's bodies again. "Unless, of course, he's decided he wants it to be an all-night thing. In which case, you can't get him *off* you."

"Well, it was pretty easy after Lance walked in," admitted Joey, remembering the whole thing rather fondly, all things considered. "He got all growly and possessive. It's a good look on him, really. He let me go easy enough, though. I'm guessing he'll be getting some from Lance if he comes through with the Chinese food. So." He rested a hand on Chris's shoulder as he sat down on the edge of the bed. "How's he doing?"

Chris's face fell, almost imperceptibly. "He's ... he's okay. It scares me how much he sleeps, but I know his body needs it. He was ... really hopeful, about you staying. Thank you for not ... freaking when you saw him. Until after, I guess."

"I just wanted to be brave for him, I guess," said Joey, his eyes on JC's face now. "If he can handle it so well, then I can handle it just as well. Even though ... I'm still angry and scared. I want to blame someone for this, Chris."

"So you said," Chris replied mildly, before sighing again and running a hand over JC's head. "Jace," he murmured, and when Joey looked up at him in surprise he met his gaze evenly. "Jace, baby. Time to wake up."

"Time for another pill already?" murmured Joey, unable to think of another reason that Chris would deliberately wake JC up, not when he so obviously needed all the rest he could get. It was hard to even think about how bad things were right then, for him. But at least he was home now, recovering.

"Every two hours," Chris sighed, closing his eyes when JC didn't respond. "*Jace*," he said a little louder. "Come on, baby. Joey's here ... we've -- *he's* -- got something to tell you."

JC seemed to grow even smaller in Chris's arms, curling into himself, but he seemed to be waking up anyway. Or at least was conscious of his surroundings. "This is so hard to watch," whispered Joey, but he did. He didn't flinch. Even as JC struggled to open his swollen eyes.

"He's getting better," Chris swore, then fell mostly silent, pressing his lips to JC's shoulder again and humming softly. "JC," he sang. "You lazy kitty, wake up ... Justin should be here in a bit with some wonton soup ... "

"Sleep," said JC, surprisingly clearly. So clearly that there was no way he wasn't awake. "Joey." He stared out at the window and didn't smile. "Hey," said Joey gently, not daring to touch him anywhere. "I'm here, JC. I'm not going anywhere."

When he looked at Chris, the older man had his eyes shut again; looked a lot pained for no real reason that Joey could discern. "Time for a pill, my man," he finally said, when JC didn't respond to Joey right away. "Can I get up?"

Joey got up and rounded the bed, kneeling down next to JC's face. He didn't touch it, but he did reach for it, letting JC know he was there. And hoping he wouldn't be in Chris's way. "Okay," said JC a moment later, his voice weaker again. "Throat hurts."

"I know it does, sweet thing," Chris murmured, taking JC's head in his hands more gently than Joey'd ever seen him do anything, and propping the pillow behind it as he moved his own body out from its supportive position. "We'll get you your pill, and make Justin feed you your soup, and Lance will make tea. Right? Remember how the doctor said tea was a good idea?"

"I like tea," said JC, grunting as he was moved. It looked painful, but then *breathing* looked painful for him. "I've always liked tea. Nothing to do with the doctor." Joey let his hand fall away again, to rest against his thigh. "And Joey will just sit here," he finished softly.

Chris glanced at him, then climbed off the other side of the bed. "JC," he said, but still watching Joey. "Joey helped you with your pill before, right? You want him to do it? Or you want to at least say hi?"

"I'm not a child, Chris." he rasped out, and Joey was sure he would have been rolling his eyes if he could have. "I know Joey's there. Can I have the pill now? Will ... make it easier to do this."

"Oh, fuck you," Chris laughed, really surprising Joey that he wasn't admonished by JC's words. "You're not a child, maybe, but you're still a dumb girl. Ask Joey for your pill. He's right there, as you say." He *did* roll his eyes, but he was smiling, and gesturing for Joey to go ahead -- knowing JC couldn't see him.

"Fine," said JC, turning his attention to Joey even though his body hardly moved at all. "Joey, can I have my pill? Pretty please?" Joey wasn't sure if this was even a good mood or a bad mood, or if he was only being that way because Chris was here. "Sure," he said, not risking cracking a joke, reaching for the pill bottle again. He knew how to do this now, at least.

Cris watched dutifully as Joey carefully picked out a pill and got JC's water ready, trying not to fumble as they both stared at him. JC, for his part, didn't even seem to acknowledge that Chris was still in the room. That new dynamic was something Joey knew would take him no short amount of time to figure out.

"Here," he said, placing the pill in JC's mouth, trying to to focus on the fact that he was being watched. He should have been used to that "Now ... no biting my fingers this time." He was surprised when JC *did* sink his teeth in, lightly, then smiled at Joey with his eyes.

"You're such a flirt," Chris mumbled to JC, finally moving around the bed to kneel at Joey's side. "No shame; none at all." He waited for JC to swallow -- with some difficulty -- his water, then rested his chin on the bed. "You think you want to sit up?"

"Yeah," said JC after a moment. Joey would have thought he would have just wanted to nod his head to a question like that, save his voice, only he realized that talking was actually easier than moving. "Easier to see you guys when I'm sitting." Joey felt useless as Chris helped JC sit up, arranged the pillows and blankets around him to keep him secure and comfortable. He could have done that, he was sure, but it wasn't his job anymore.

It especially ached when Chris smiled almost sweetly at JC, then kissed that same shoulder before pulling back and sitting cross-legged at the end of the bed. "You have to come up with a new place soon," he warned him, then glanced down at Joey. "So. No kids, kids. Now's the time to say whatever ... needs to be said."

"And you're going to referee?" suggested JC, eyeing him. "Well, this could be interesting. No pinning me to the bed, though, that's something we're gonna have to save for later ... " Joey coughed politely and almost didn't want to interrupt, but they both seemed to be expecting him to. "I slept with Justin," he blurted out. which probably *wasn't* the best way to start this conversation, but it had the benefit of making everything clear, right off the bat.

Chris rolled his eyes at him and touched JC's knee before he could respond. "This is a good thing, remember?" he murmured to him. "Justin was ... good."

"Chris," said JC impatiently, "quit it with the stupid already. I know I'm sluggish but I'm not *that* slow*." Joey wasn't sure whether he should smile or be upset by that reaction. "I know perfectly well how good Justin is. You like it, Joe?" Joey knew enough to know that he needed to watch JC when he was speaking now, and so he saw that twinkle in JC's eyes again. "I left him, JC," Joey went on, heartened by that. "Lee ... I finally left him so ... so you can stop worrying now. You can keep hating him if you want to, though. You won't be alone in it now."

"You are so full of shit, Chasez," Chris scoffed, but he reached over to rub Joey's back briefly. "You have no *clue* how 'good' Justin is. And if you'd get your mind out of the gutter, you'd know I didn't mean it like that anyway. I meant that it was good that it was him."

"Oh, like you guys ever shut up about Justin," JC teased him, then coughed. Joey tensed, ready to get him water or whatever he needed, and noticed Chris did the same, but it subsided quickly and JC waved them off. "Joey ... wow ... you doing okay with that?" Joey nodded at him and said "no" at the same time. "I'm a big ball of confused right now," he confessed. "But ... I"m here."

Chris moved his hand back to rest on Joey's back. "You've had more than your fair share of chances with the baby, C," he teased back. "*You're* the one who wouldn't touch the poor kid until this slob came back." Joey couldn't quite tell, but it looked almost like JC was blushing at that/ "Bet you're kicking yourself now. What'd the doctors say? No strenuous exercise for a year?" Joey looked back at Chris in alarm, that he would *joke* about that, but Chris was still doing that tender smile thing that looked so out-of-place on him, and JC didn't look bothered.

"It wouldn't be strenuous, though," JC shot back, as animated as Joey had seen him yet. "I hear Justin makes it really easy. All I'd have to do is lie back ... " He didn't say anything about Joey being first, though. In fact, he barely even flicked his eyes toward him.

"Oh, right!" Chris laughed again, and Joey almost couldn't believe how comfortable they were, talking about this. "Like you'd let him top you, the first time. Look, Joey *knows* you. You don't have to try and show off."

"Who said anything about topping me?" JC went on. "Can you just imagine ... Justin riding me? If you're really nice to me, JC, I might let you watch." *Then* his attention turned back to Joey agan. "Would you want to be there, too?" he asked. Joey almost choked, but the look in JC's eyes was odd. Almost like the question was a test of some kind, which JC wasn't really prone to doing. "I'd want to be with you whether or not Justin was there, too," he said finally, giving each word a lot of thought. "But we're going to have to talk about it before we do. So ... good thing we have some time, then."

They stared at each other until Chris shifted on the bed and broke both of their concentrations. "Speaking of ... I'm gonna go call J, make sure he didn't get lost." He looked ... sad. Resigned, almost? and wouldn't meet either of their eyes. "JC ... I'll bring you that soup, when it gets here. I'm sure Joey can get you anything else you need."

"Chris ... " said Joey, and he meant to tell him that he didn't have to go, that there weren't any secrets, but he couldn't make himself do it. Old habits died hard and this was something he wanted to talk to JC about alone. "We won't be long," he finished weakly. "Give them a kiss for me." Then he stood up and leaned over Chris and kissed *him* soundly. "Share that one with them."

"Right," Chris murmured, looking down and licking his lips quickly before standing up. "So. Call me if you ... whatever." He rubbed at his own arm distractedly, finally looked over to where JC was watching him, and glanced away just as fast. Shoulders slumped, he walked slowly out of the room. And Joey watched JC watch him, then close his eyes and lean his head back once the door was closed.

"So. That didn't go so well, huh," said Joey, sitting back down on the edge of the bed after deliberately going to leave the door slightly open. "Not really sure how to start this ... "

"It's fine," JC rasped, his voice notably weaker after Chris left. "He's fine. You think Chris actually got *less* moody with old age?" He swallowed and then looked down at himself, slowly raising the blankets and managing to free a cast-covered arm to massage his throat.

"Shit, JC, don't do that," said Joey quickly. "Just tell me what I can do for you, okay? I know Chris is the one who takes care of you now, but I'm not totally incompetent. I gave you the pills, right?"

"Quit it," JC protested; referring, Joey assumed, to the alarmed tone of his voice. "I can do stuff myself. I *need* to do stuff myself, or I'll start fucking wasting away in here." He exhaled. "I feel better in the evenings, anyway."

Joey nodded at him and backed off a little. He'd probably be pretty cranky too, if he felt as helpless as JC looked. "Still. It's only been a few days. You're allowed to get people to pamper you for the first while, you know. It's, like, the one good thing."

"It's only pampering if you can enjoy it," JC muttered, looking over Joey's shoulder out the window again. "Is Justin okay?"

"Justin's good," said Joey, wincing in sympathy. "Everyone's good. Everyone's better than they were this morning, in fact. So. Um."

"He was nervous," JC went on, not letting there be enough of a pause for Joey to change the subject to what they really needed to talk about. "Nervous about you ... rejecting this. He reads you pretty well, I think; maybe better than any of the rest of us, now ... he seemed to know how important it was to you that we were all in it for the right reasons."

"He was right," agreed Joey warily. "That *is* important to me. It should be important to all of us. Especially after ... well, just considering how things have been. For a long time now. I mean ... wouldn't you agree with that?"

"I do," JC nodded, his voice getting thick again. "I'm just ... I guess I'm just telling you that I'm glad you didn't turn him down. He was worried about himself, too."

"Justin's pretty hard to turn down," said Joey with a tender smile. "And Chris already wore me down before that. Once that I could really believe that ... that I was wanted. That they wanted me. Then the whole thing seemed like such a better offer than what I already had." He sighed and reached out toward JC, waiting for a signal as to where he could be touched. "I've talked to all of them now, JC -- now it comes down to just you and me. Back where it started."

"I knew it would," JC rasped. "And I don't even want to ask. But -- for them -- can you forgive me? Anything that's been wrong in your life, you can blame me for ... just ... please. Come back."

Joey's hand shook slightly, still holding in the air just short of JC's body. "I already came back, JC. I'm already here, with all of you, now. The rest of it ... it's been hard. You know it's been hard for me, the way things played out. I forgive you, JC, but it's not so easily forgotten. Not yet."

"Of course not," JC murmured, closing his eyes and slumping against his pillows. "I'm glad, though. And you'll stay here," he continued; not a question. "And perhaps ... tonight? you might be alone with Chris. As much as you think you and I have to work out ... well. There are things, there, too."

"I ... got the idea that Chris would probably be in here tonight, actually," said Joey, feeling his way through the conversation carefully. "Me and Chris have already ... well, been at each other's throats enough today, I think."

"Even more reason," JC coughed softly. "Do you resent him for something? You can tell me. Either way ... no, I don't think Chris will be here tonight. He hasn't slept with me since I've been home. And ... " He closed his eyes. "You saw him leave."

"I saw how he treated you, too," argued Joey, one hand reaching questioningly for the water for JC. "The guy adores you. And I bet you adore him right back. Now might not be the right time for me to ... mess that up."

"Ah, you won't," JC promised, nodding carefully at Joey and parting his lips to let him press the glass to them. He swallowed a few times. "Why would you say that? We all have to share, Joey. Or this won't work."

"I'm just talking about timing," he said as he drew the glass back again. "Just because we all share, doesn't mean there aren't good and bad times for things, right? I just thought that right now ... might be a time you need Chris the most. Since he's the only one you ... not that you're going to, of course. It just implies closeness."

JC was silent for a minute. "But what about you?" he asked quietly. "Do you honestly think that the way I love Chris as yet to come close to the way I've loved you? What about that closeness, Joey? And do you think that *Chris* hasn't thought about that?"

"I don't know, JC," he said honestly. "I only found out about everything today. *Every*thing. All the things i was never told before. How do I know that you're not closer? The way things ended with us ... one might believe that you never thought we were close at all."

Refusing, probably, to respond to that, or maybe just not knowing how to, JC closed his eyes again. Then started moving awkwardly against the pillows, manuevering with his cast and breathing a little rougher. Finally, he gave a soft whimper.

"JC?" said Joey nervously, moving closer, reaching out toward him again. "Jace ... what's wrong ... what can i do?"

"The pillows," he breathed. "I'm ... the pills, again. I can't really sit up any more. I'm sorry. You can call Chris if you want." He didn't even seem to be saying it to irritate Joey, or force him to say something. He seemed to honestly not want to force Joey to do any more of this than he was ready for.

"No, I can do this," he said instantly, though. "Just ... tell me what you need me to do. You just want to lie down again? I can help you, JC. I just want you to be okay."

"Move the pillows," JC pleaded softly, trying to shift onto his shoulder again. "And help me onto my side. I'm ... I'm sorry, Joey." And he looked *embarassed*. "I guess ... I guess I don't need to say this wasn't how I hoped this would happen."

Joey moved the pillows out of the way and helped JC down again, putting the pillows back where they seemed like they would make him the most comfortable. "There, like that?" he said, trying to watch JC's reactions. It was so hard, though. "Don't worry about it, JC, just tell me if I'm doing this okay for you."

"It's fine," JC acknowledged, and his face did look calmer. "You're doing fine. It's ... it's good to see you, Joey. To know I could hold your hand, you know, if I could. It's a good thing to know." He blinked carefully. "Can I do anything for you?"

"Besides be okay?" said Joey with absolute sincerity. "That's all I ask right now. That and ... talk to me, if it's not too hard. If it is ... JC, I'm not going anywhere. I promise. There'll be another time."

"For a bit," JC agreed. "Until Chris comes back. Then ... please? talk to him, too. You're ... both special. I need you both." His eyes started to sparkle again; just a little. "How are you getting along with Lance?"

"Me and Lance are good," Joey assured him, happier to pursue that than anything else right then. It was easier. "He's a pretty good kisser. And as straightforward as he ever was. Some things never *do* change, I guess."

"No," JC agreed. "No, they don't. He's ... he's a big reason we needed you back. You were the first person to pull him in, and ... once you left ... it's been hard to keep him."

Joey nodded like he understood, which he didn't quite, yet. The dynamics of the whole relationship had to be impossibly complicated. "You guys say that about everyone though. First you're the reason you needed me back. Then Justin. Then Chris. And now Lance, too."

"Well, we all are," JC said, smiling weakly with his swollen lip. "And ... it probably changes, depending on who you ask. I know it does." He started blinking more heavily. "Are you looking forward to it at all?"

"What kind of question is that?" asked Joey. "JC ... I broke up with him for this. You, of all people, should know how ... big, that is. How much I'd have to want this and believe in this to do that."

"And you should know I wish it hadn't taken this to get you to do it," JC murmured, but he moved his casted hand a little closer to Joey's arm. "But I'm relieved. *God*, I didn't like him, Joe."

"I know," murmured Joey, feeling safe touching the cast if not JC's body. "I know how much you didn't like him, JC. But I think you know ... what it was like for me, too, a little. I mean, you understand why I was with him. I think."

"I wish I didn't," JC admitted. "Joey ... before Chris gets back, did he ... I guess ... I mean, you do know we haven't all ... right? He told you that part?"

"Yeah, I've been told," said Joey with a brief nod. "Me and Justin talked about it. How just you and Chris ... I'm not sure I understand why, though. I mean, he gave me reasons, I just don't get it. Why it has anything to do with me."

JC looked a little surprised. Maybe even hurt. "What do you mean, you don't know what it has to do with you? I don't ... you're the *only* thing it has to do with. Chris and Lance, that's their business, but for me ... "

"Explain it to me then, JC, okay?" said Joey, trying to be gentle even when he was mostly feeling impatient. "Explain to me why it still matters so much who I'm with and what I do. Because I honestly don't understand."

"That's not - " JC started, then just looked helplessly at Joey. "I just didn't want to start this with them, as a *them*, until I had you back, is all. That was important to me. I thought ... I thought it might help you, too. To prove that it mattered you were here. It doesn't?"

"It does," said Joey slowly. "It does. I believe that it matters that I'm here. It doesn't explain everything that's happened in the past, but I believe it. But JC ... I mean ... I can be honest with you about this. You know me. You know that I ... am probably responsible for everything going bad, with the group and everything. That you all wanted me gone for the first while. So *why* do I matter so much again?"

JC huffed in exasperation and looked like he was trying to find a nice way to reply to that when they both paused at a soft rap at the door. "JC?" Chris's voice, still strangely soft, floated through the door. "I'm sorry to interrupt, but I have your soup. If you want it. And, um, a tall blonde delivery boy that wants to say hello, if that's okay."

Joey nodded his head and looked away, then slipped off the bed. "You need to eat," he told JC. "I'll let them take care of you now. It was ... an honest question, JC, and I'd feel a lot better if just one of you could answer it for me. So maybe think about it." Then he went and opened the door for Chris.

"Hey, Joe," Chris said, not meeting his eyes as he stood aside for Chris to walk in. Justin was practically bouncing behind Chris; not the way he had when he was eighteen, but more than he would've expected from a man ten years older. "Joey," he smiled, wrapping his arms wround Joey's neck an licking teasingly at his lips, once Chris had moved out of the way.

Joey couldn't help but be lifted by Justin's enthusiasm, and clutched him close to kiss him back. "Hey," he said. "You remember everything?" Even as he held Justin, though, he watched out of the corner of his eye the way Chris approached JC, the way he sat down carefully next to him and stroked his hair. They way he seemed so, so protective.

"Yes, I got Lance's lo mein," Justin sighed, pouting. "And some fried rice for you, and other stuff ... " He trailed off when he realized Joey wasn't really looking at him, and glanced around to watch JC and Chris too. Just then, Chris leaned down to whisper something in JC's ear -- which JC didn't respond to beyond sighing and shaking his head

Joey pulled his eyes away to look at Justin and give him a smile. "Sorry," he said softly. "Was just in the middle of something. I think things are maybe gonna be a little strange for a while, till we all get this figured out. Too much history, man."

"Oh; what happened?" Justin said, stroking Joey's neck. "I mean, I know Chris was all ... but I just figured it was because you guys were in here alone. But now *you* seem sad too, which doesn't make any sense."

"It's just gonna be hard," said Joey with a sigh, leaning into Justin's touch. It was easy being with Justin, at least -- there was nothing there that got in the way. "We all want it, it's just ... hard. To get past everything that's happened. We shouldn't be thinking about getting together *again* -- we should just start fresh -- but it's impossible to forget."

"I understand. And ... I don't think anyone is trying to forget, Joey," Justin murmured, holding him carefully and giving him a brief kiss before pulling away. "Guys?" he said a little louder, looking at Chris and JC. "Um ... I really did just want to see how Jace was doing ... then I should go back out with Lance. Can I ... ?" He gestured toward the bed, and Joey was surprised at that, too; that whatever Chris and JC had, their space was respected so assiduously.

Chris whispered something else in JC's ear, then it was JC that spoke up. "Come on, kid," he said, while Chris motioned at the bed for him. "Thanks for the soup." He didn't look too pleased at the idea of eating though; Joey wondered how hard it was on his throat, or his stomach. He let Justin go and stood back, feeling like he shouldn't be intruding on whatever it was they had together. But watching was okay, from just on the outside.

Justin walked slowly over to the side of the bed, and leaned down to give JC the softest of kisses on the bridge of his nose. Joey was relieved to see Justin as unsure of how to touch him as Joey himself was. "Welcome," he replied softly, then looked at Chris. Chris sighed. "So, um. We'll leave you to what you were doing, then." He stood up, and either ignored -- or maybe just didn't see -- the way JC tried to reach after him before giving up.

"I can come back another time," said Joey awkwardly, looking from Chris to JC and back again. "I'm not stupid, at least. I can see that ... there's a lot of stuff going on that I'm not clear on yet. Maybe I should be the one to go ... talk to Lance, eat some Chinese .. " There didn't seem to be a really good and simple solution to the whole thing, though. No matter who left, someone would be missing.

"No," Chris said sharply, just as JC opened his mouth. "No. You ... you just got here, You should be able to talk to whoever you want. Me and J were leaving." He placed a careful hand on Justin's shoulder. "Maybe I don't want *any* of you here," JC finally snapped, his voice sounding scratchier than it had all day. "At least not you two- " he nodded at Joey and Chris. "Both of you assuming the other's the one that has, I don't know, *dibs* on me or something. Just ... go work *that* out, why don't you." He closed his eyes. "Justin, would you mind helping me eat?" Justin looked guiltily at both of them before sitting back on the bed.

"Fine," Joey snapped right back, shoving his hands in his pockets and not at all caring what Chris chose to do. "I'm gone. I'll be in the kitchen if anyone needs me, stuffing my face with fried rice." He headed out the door and didn't look back, not stopping until he reached the end of the hall. Then he rested his forehead against the cool wall and closed his eyes.

He heard muffled shouting, and almost considered running back in there, before the door slammed and Chris was at his back. "Come on," he sighed tiredly. "I know you're not hungry. Let's ... go talk, or JC won't listen to either one of us, and he really can't afford to be stubborn right now."

"Talk about what?" asked Joey, lifting his head and looking back over his shoulder. "What's to talk about? I got dropped, you were better. Now I'm back and all I seem to be doing is making a huge mess of things. With *every*one. So what, exacly, is there to talk about, Chris?"

"Oh, fuck you," Chris muttered, holding his hands up. "Whatever. Did you not *hear* him in there? He may be cracked out on drugs, right now, but he can still read both of us well enough to know exactly what we're thinking. "You're not the only one feeling left out and shitty, my friend."

"Yes, well, I've been feeling left out and shitty for about five years, Chris," snapped Joey, looking back at the wall again, "and for all your guys's talk about wanting me back and needing me to be here, I'm sure not feeling it much. What do you get out of it if I come back, Chris? Why the *fuck* am I here?"

"What are you *talking* about, not feeling it much?" Chris cried. "We're bending over backwards for you. All of us. Justin said Lance smiled at you; he hasn't done that for one of us since before the accident. And JC talked to you for longer than any of us -- *twice* -- and probably longer than he should have. And Justin ... I *know* I don't need to tell you what he's done. Maybe my job is to tell you to fucking get over yourself." He took a breath. "Don't think I don't know you, either, Fatone. I know you've asked all four of us that question. Like it's something we can answer?!? Just ... for shit's sake, stop making us grovel. Even Justin'll get tired of that."

"I don't want you to *grovel*," said Joey, whirling around to face him. "I don't even fucking want you to apologize. I want to understand, Chris. I want to know why what happened made me such a horrible person that no one talked to me anymore. I want to know why that's suddenly changed. I want to know why you none of guys can just GET that I'm not suddenly going to be overjoyed that you want me back now. Yes, I want to be wanted, but I'm not going to pretend that it doesn't fucking *hurt* that for a long time what you guys did made me feel like I wasn't. "I don't understand, Chris, and you guys can say over and over again that you do want me here and I *believe* you, but until I understand why, and what's been happening all this time, I'm not gonna be ready to accept this."

"Well, I'm sorry," Chris held up his hands again. "I'm just sorry. It doesn't seem like much of a 'why' question, to me. We missed you; it finally got too hard to look at each other without you, so we tried to get you back. If you mean why now, instead of three months ago? Just *because*, Joey. Because."

"The why," said Joey, letting his voice grow quieter again, "is why you let yourselves miss me in the first place. Why everyone flocked to JC and left me alone fo so long. *So* long, Chris. You just ... have no idea. I feel like an afterthought."

Chris gave a muted scream, and flattened his hand against the wall. "You. LEFT," he cried again. "You left JC, sure, but you left us too. And stupid us for thinking *you* might be the one to finally get sad, being apart."

"I left because I felt rejected. And unwanted. And God ... you have no idea how many times I wished I could come back, wished it could be the same again, but I couldn't take that rejection again. Look ... I know everyone made mistakes back then, but I'm the one that's been alone, Chris, and I just ... wish it hadn't taken so long to want me back enough to say so. A lot of things have changed. *I've* changed. And I"m not at all sure it's for the better."

"And again, sorry," Chris said dully. "Right, we fucked up, we were too proud, we took too long. And you felt too sorry for yourself; were too scared. So you're gonna mess *this* up, then? When all you have to do is move on?"

"So yeah," said Joey, looking away. "If this gets messed up, well, of course that's my fault, too. So sorry it's taking me more than a few hours to get over five years of feeling like I wasn't good enough. You've all told me to get over it, guess you're right, I'll just pretend I was never hurt in the first place, that'll be perfect. That's a great way to start a relationship."

"God. *Fuck*. *You*," Chris said again, looking like he was seriously trying to pull the hair out of his head. "Joey. I promise, I *swear* we're all trying, here. But we're nervous, too. And having you walk around like we're about to yank the rug out from under you, well, doesn't make *us* feel great. It's like you expect us to fuck up. Again."

"Do *you* want me, Chris?" asked Joey, lifting his eyes again to catch Chris's. They were flashing with anger and, undoubtedly, frustration. "Do *you* want me, or do you want me here because JC wants me?"

"I do," Chris nodded, after a moment, keeping his eyes on Joey's face. "I can promise you that I do. I ... I'm scared, that having you back will mean that ... will mean that JC won't look at me the same way any more, but ... *I* really miss you."

"I know you're trying," said Joey, nodding his head at the answer. He really hadn't known what Chris was going to say. "And I hope you know I'm trying, too. It's just not easy." He closed his eyes and forced himself to relax so they could have this conversation like adults. "Having me here means that we're all going to be equal, as much as we can. Maybe he *won't* look at you the same way anymore, Chris, but only because he'll be sharing it with everyone else. Not just me."

"You know that's not the big thing, here," Chris said quietly. "We talked about this before. Before today it was just me. And if you didn't come back ... well, it might have stayed that way. Not that I don't *want* to share him, and that I don't want to share the rest of you -- I do! But just like you were saying ... I can't just get over it, in a couple of hours."

"And I don't expect you to," said Joey, giving him both a smile and a sigh. "But apparently JC does. I remember what it was like when JC was mine, Chris. Just mine. And trust me, it's gonna be a lot better to share than it would be to be without him. It might even make things better than they are now, you never know."