Kevin sat between Johnny and Brian on the plane, but he spent most of the flight watching Howie a few rows in front of him. They hadn't discussed the kiss after Howie left Kevin's room the night before. There hadn't been time. Jane had arrived late, due to AJ throwing together some last minute things and then losing his favorite pair of sneakers under the living room couch. The airport was crowded and there was no time to even think, let alone talk. And besides, Kristin had been there, a surprise since Kevin had completely forgotten that he'd invited her. He kissed her cheek and hugged her tight, promising to call and write and keep in touch, and he was just about to walk onto the plane when Kristin pulled him aside and confided that she was glad. She was glad that Kevin had called. She was happy that they were starting over. She'd missed him, and she was going to miss him again, but her eyes were shining with hope and promises and Kevin hugged her again, kissed her forehead, and disappeared onto the plane. And now Kevin was squished in between Brian, who was biting his nails, anxiously awaiting take off, and Johnny, who seemed content to listen to himself talk with only a nod from Kevin every once in awhile. Nick was talking loudly in the row behind them, explaining to anyone in detail what he would do the first time he saw their video on television, the first time they won a Grammy, despite the fact that Denise and Jane kept asking him to settle down. Nick's fantasy involved stripping down to his underwear and streaking through his neighborhood. The tour turned out to be everything they imagined and nothing that they'd ever expected. And almost every night Kevin slept in Howie's embrace. He hadn't intended it to end up that way. He hadn't intended this fling and he knew that Howie hadn't either. Not even with the kiss. Not really. But it didn't take them long to fall toward one another, to develop a pattern, to thrive on a series of lies. Room assignments didn't stick them together for at least a week, but when it finally happened, when Kevin was finally placed alone in a room with Howie for more than a few minutes, the door wasn't closed ten minutes before Kevin was pushing Howie back onto one of the beds, savoring the feel of Howie's full lips against his again. "I've been thinking about this since before we left," Kevin said. Howie arched his hips beneath him, pressing himself against Kevin. "Fuck," Kevin grunted, his fingers in Howie's short hair. "I've been thinking I made a mistake since we left," Howie admitted, and Kevin stopped moving, stopped trying to remove Howie's shirt with one hand and really looked at his friend. "A mistake?" He asked. "Well, you never really said anything," Howie smiled, sheepishly. Kevin looked down at his hand beneath Howie's T-shirt. He looked at the one in Howie's hair. "Do you want me to get off?" he asked, starting to move already. Howie shook his head vigorously. "No, doofus," he laughed. "I said I wasn't sure, not that I didn't want it. I didn't lose my mind in the last week." And that was all the encouragement Kevin needed to begin removing Howie's clothes. Howie helped, his fingers clumsy against the buttons of Kevin's jeans, and before long they were both naked, Howie rolling Kevin so that he ended up on top, practically sitting on Kevin's chest. Howie slid down Kevin's body until they were lying parallel to one another, Howie's smaller frame trying to blanket Kevin's. His hand slipped between them, palming Kevin's cock, the exquisite slide of skin on sensitive skin. Howie's mouth worked at Kevin's neck, licking, biting a little, and Kevin, unable to do much more than let it happen, gripped Howie's waist, moving toward Howie's touch, moaning as though he hadn't been touched in years. It felt so true, so new, and eventually Kevin couldn't stand it any longer, the teasing stoke of Howie's hand, the ticklish glide of Howie's tongue. He flipped Howie over, going straight for his lips, kissing. He couldn't get enough of the kissing. And when he finally pulled himself away from Howie's mouth it was only to kiss down his chest, make small detours to his nipples and the insides of his elbows and then down further, kissing as he went until Howie was moaning beneath him in pleasure, but mostly in frustration. "God. Kevin," Howie said, right before Kevin's mouth encircled the tip of Howie's cock. It was the last coherent words Kevin heard escape Howie's lips that evening. Life was fast paced, cramped, and Kevin was anxious to get some time alone, to have time to reflect on what was happening. But there were rehearsals and meetings and of course, concerts, and then there was the nightlife too. There was dancing, so much dancing. The press of warm bodies, the dull roar of foreign tongues, and Howie, Howie sliding against his back, Howie's hands caressing his sides where no one else could see. It was perfect until Howie caught Kevin telling Kristin that he loved her over the phone. Then began the unending questions. The first question was "Why didn't you tell me?" Kevin didn't really have an answer for that one. The second was "Why didn't you break it off?" Kevin didn't have an answer for that one either. He'd thought about it. He'd thought about it at length while listening to Howie snore in a quiet hotel room. He'd thought about it while he was quarantined in his own bed across the room from Howie with Nick between them on a cot, but he couldn't bring himself to let go. Something told him not to let go of her, and he couldn't bring himself to go against it. The third question was "Do you think this is fair for her?" Kevin did have an answer to that one. "No." And it wasn't fair. It wasn't fair to any of them, but somehow that didn't stop it from happening. All of Howie's questions and all of Howie's concerns didn't keep him from climbing into bed with Kevin at the end of a long day, in preparation for a cold European night. Howie apparently didn't care as much about fair as he let on, but it didn't stop the questions. "Have you told Kristin?" Howie asked once every morning and once every afternoon, and Kevin had begun wondering if he should blame Howie's parents for the endless guilt, or if the blame really fell on the Catholic Church. "I think you should tell her." "I haven't talked to her yet," Kevin explained patiently, trying to hide his amused smile. They were taking lessons in German, a skill that Johnny thought valuable. Their instructor had yet to arrive, and it felt quite a bit like high school, the five of them sitting impatiently behind desks that were just a little too small. "I'll tell her when I talk to her." "Did Kevin pick someone up?" AJ asked, but Howie and Kevin both ignored the inquiry. Nick was doodling in his notebook and Brian just shrugged. "It's just - I feel bad," Howie frowned. "I know you do," Kevin said sympathetically. "I feel bad too. And I'm sorry I put you in that position." Kevin ignored Brian when he rolled his eyes, something that Brian was very good at, despite the fact that Brian didn't have a clue what they were discussing. And Kevin was sorry that Howie felt guilty, but he wasn't quite sure if he felt bad enough about putting Howie into that position. Not bad enough to take it back, and not quite bad enough to feel completely sincere about the rehearsed apology he had prepared for when he finally did talk to Kristin. "What are you going to tell her?" Howie asked the next morning. They were on their way to rehearsal and the back of the van was cramped. I'm going to tell her what happened," Kevin said. "I'm going to tell her that we hooked up. She'll either understand or she won't. Howie. It's not like Kris and I are engaged. We're hardly even together." "Do you think she'll take it well?" "No," Kevin admitted, remembering the last time Kristin had discovered that he'd cheated. Maybe this time, if it came from him, it would be different, but Kevin wasn't getting his hopes up. After all, this time it had actually happened. The next time that Howie asked the question, Kevin said that she knew. He told Howie that Kristin knew and that Kristin understood. He wasn't sure why he'd done it. He wasn't sure what tempted him to live a lie. Maybe he was already too caught up. There were lies everywhere in Europe, lies in every interview they gave, and it wasn't hard to tell just a few more. Kevin wanted them both. He'd loved them both and they couldn't make him choose. Howie had accused Kevin of lying right from the beginning. Right from the first "I love you." "You don't," Howie had countered. "Please don't say it if it isn't true. It's not fair." Howie spoke a lot about fairness those first few months in Europe. Kevin protested, because he did mean it, but Howie held up a hand and went on. "If you loved me we wouldn't hide behind closed doors, Kevin. If you did, the fellas would know. You don't keep love a secret." And Kevin let the subject drop after that because he had never realized that he was the one doing the hiding. He'd never hidden Chris. Or he had, but he'd hidden him in plain sight. And yet, Howie was right. They were hiding, and not even the fellas knew, not really, not any more than whatever they suspected. He loved Howie, but he loved Kristin too. He wouldn't choose. It wasn't fair to them, either of them, and so he hid. He wondered how long Howie would let him. There was one thing that Kevin hadn't figured into his plan. Going home. When it came down to it, Kevin was not a good liar. It was inevitable and eventually Howie realized that Kristin had no idea what was going on. It all worked out fine when they were overseas, when they were dodging more fans every week, taking lessons in German, and getting very little sleep. Things were fine then. And Kevin made it through the first trip home as well. He slipped off for dinners with Kristin - they were still taking it slow - and then returned home to Howie. He spent mornings jogging with Kris and then afternoons apartment hunting with Howie. "It's like the end of an era," Howie said when they all started looking for their own places. Kevin thought momentarily of asking Howie to move in with him, to actually look for a place together. It wouldn't seem strange and no one would suspect, but then Kevin thought that perhaps Kristin would be the more appropriate choice. And then he wished in vain that Kristin and Howie would love each other as well and it could be the three of them together. One unit. And hell, while he was wishing, why not add Chris into the mix? Liven everybody up. And maybe Kevin's high school sweetheart Beth too. And then they could all plot and plan and disappear together, most of them having done it once or twice before. That's the way it would all end, wasn't it? That was what had to happen eventually, so Kevin continued the charade and had Howie help him search for an apartment. A bachelor pad. A home for the lies and the deceit. It wasn't easy finding a new place. None of them felt quite right. Howie shook his head immediately upon crossing the threshold of most of them and they only looked at the rest of the place to be polite. When Howie entered one of the last places on their list and said, "This is perfect." Kevin was almost tempted to agree and sign the papers right then and there. As the girl showed them around, however, Kevin realized exactly what it was that made Howie feel at home there. The ceiling above the living room clicked. It was almost rhythmic, but not quite, and just loud enough to hear. It was quieter in the bedroom, but definitely present. It reminded Kevin of Kentucky and lilac scented linen and he signed the papers and prepared to move in. Before he was really settled, though, Lou had booked another European tour. And Kevin didn't drop a single ball in his juggling act until they had to pack up and head back to Europe for a tour that was even longer than the first with no end in sight. Next