Sometimes Chris drove Kevin absolutely insane. It was Nick and Brian times ten, and Kevin just had to get away. They fought about the most trivial things, how to fold clean socks, and what to eat for dinner. They fought about basketball teams and whether or not Nick was allowed to go with them to see an action flick that was rated R. Sometimes Kevin suspected that the fellas preferred Chris to him, and he would become jealous and bitter, pulling away until Chris yanked him back, telling him bluntly that he was acting like an ass. Chris routinely embarrassed Kevin in public, regularly annoyed Kevin in private, and yet there were times that Kevin just couldn't get enough. Chris was alive in every sense of the word, and Kevin was addicted to that energy. And though the public acts of embarrassment and the bouncing off the walls obnoxiousness stood out in retrospect, there was an equal percentage of time that Chris was quiet, contemplative, and during those moments Chris would sometimes say the most profound things that Kevin had ever heard. Things that would have Kevin wondering for weeks what could possibly be going on in his head. Kevin doubted that he would ever completely find out. They bumped into Kristin once in the supermarket while they were out stocking up on frozen food for Chris's apartment. Kevin tried to avoid her but she smiled and waved, catching Chris's attention. "Who's that?" Chris asked. "You know her?" "Kristin," Kevin replied without looking up. They hadn't spoken in weeks and Kevin wasn't sure what to expect. "She's coming over here, man. Fuck, she's hot." "Kevin," Kristin said, setting her basket on the edge of their cart. "How are you?" Kevin looked up then, smiled and nodded. "Oh! Hey," he said, as though he'd just noticed she was there. He didn't think she bought it. "I'm, you know, pretty good." Kristin nodded. She was attempting to remain serious but her eyes were smiling and her gaze kept jumping to Chris. Kevin watched her for a minute before realizing that he was being rude. "This is Chris," he said, gesturing toward Chris. Chris was nodding. "I'm Chris," he repeated. "It's nice to meet you," Kristin said, glancing back to Kevin. Chris grabbed her hand and kissed the back of it. "The pleasure is all mine," he said with a small bow, his hair flopping over his forehead. Kevin snorted and Kristin laughed nervously. "Cute," she said. They made small talk for a bit. Kristin was dating someone named Cliff but it wasn't serious and she was thinking about going for some auditions in New York, but planned to still live in Orlando. Kevin hated Cliff's guts and sighed with relief that she wasn't disappearing to New York and hugged her tightly before she walked off, waving to them over her shoulder. "She's a model. Tell me she's a model," Chris said when she was out of earshot. "No," Kevin said. He looked down and crossed pizzas off their grocery list, but made sure to look up in time to catch a last glimpse of Kristin before she disappeared. "Wow," Chris said as Kevin watched Kristin turn the corner into another aisle. "What are you doing with me? You're totally in love with her." "I used to write these stories," Chris said, laughing a little. "I'd get out a box of crayons and write these stories when I was ten about going on a quest to find my father. He was always living in this cave and had like a lot of hair and stuff. No shoes. I don't know. I guess it had to be someplace worse than where we were, you know?. But anyway, I would find him and yell at him and by the end of the story he'd be begging to come back. Talking about how much he loved my mom and stuff, you know? And then I'd just leave him in the cave and ride back home on my elephant." "Your elephant?" "My teachers thought I was nuts," Chris admitted, nodding. "You were just a kid," Kevin said, shrugging. "When was the first time you realized that you were angry?" Chris asked, sipping his soda. The diner was bustling with activity, the shouts of the kitchen loud in the dining room, but Kevin hardly noticed. Kevin was deep in the hills of Kentucky. It didn't hit Kevin until he was standing there motionless between his brothers. The sun was bright and the air was fresh and green. He could hear horses in the distance. It was a gorgeous day and Kevin's father was lying before them in a casket. Kevin could hear his mother crying to the right of Tim. She'd been crying for two days, sometimes silent tears, sometimes gutwrenching sobs. Kevin's heart broke again each time he looked at her. "At his funeral," Kevin said. He poked at the french fries on his plate. "My mom had been crying since he passed and it just pissed me off, you know? Pissed me off that he could hurt her so much. Hurt all of us." "It was sudden," Chris said. "Yeah. We didn't have enough time and then he was just gone." "People are always getting taken away too soon. They're always disappearing before we're ready," Chris said. "Yeah," Kevin said again, nodding. "What?" Kevin asked, when he answered the knock at the door to find a glowering Chris. Chris stalked in and threw himself down at the kitchen table. "What is it?" Kevin asked again. "Bloody Outback, mate," Chris said in a badly faked Australian accent. "I hate that fucking place." "So, quit." "I can't fucking quit." "You could find another job and then quit." Chris sighed and blinked at the ceiling. Howie walked into the kitchen, took one look at the hopeless expression on Chris's face, and the blank look on Kevin's, turned on his heel, and walked right back out of the room. "Howie," Kevin called after him, but Howie didn't return. Kevin sighed and turned his attention back to Chris. "It's just, I told you about my mom. My sisters. And I feel like - I'm twenty-three, Kev. I have no real skills." Chris threw up his hands. "Not really. Not marketable skills anyway, and I should be helping. I try, but it's not enough. I know it's not." "You have skills." Chris snorted. "You sing. You have skills. You have more than that, man. You have talent." "Lotta good it's doing me. And that's another thing. Fucking Universal. Fuckers." "It'll happen for you." And Kevin hadn't even known that he was so sure of it until he said it. Until he could feel the conviction of the words. It would happen for Chris. It had to. Chris grunted. "Luck's gotta turn around sometime, right?" "Right." Kevin turned, opened the freezer and began rummaging around. He frowned at the contents, then turned back to ask, "Frozen pizza or chicken fingers?" "I'm not hungry," Chris said, and Kevin moved to shut the freezer. "Okay, no. I am. Pizza." Howie poked his head back into the kitchen then, glanced around and slipped in, heading for a pile of papers on the edge of the counter. Bills, and Kevin thought he remembered a letter from Caroline when he rifled through the mail earlier in the day. Chris watched Howie for a moment and then said, "You don't have to sneak around your own kitchen." "I know," Howie said, stopping short, papers in hand. "You guys just seemed. Upset." "Nah," Chris shook his head. "We're cool. Pizza?" Chris gestured to where Kevin was standing, turning on the stove. Kevin held up the box, and used a hand to illustrate the cover. "No, thanks," Howie said, scrunching up his nose. "Hey, Howie," Chris turned his chair a little so that he was looking directly at Howie. "How come you didn't ask me to be in your singing group? I mean, back when you started." Kevin deposited the pizza in the oven, shut the door, and turned to see Howie's reaction. It wasn't a question that had ever even crossed Kevin's mind, and he wondered how often Chris had thought about it. How often Chris thought about what things would be like, getting a small salary from Lou rather than a small salary from Universal and those bastards over at Outback. Howie frowned, paused to think about the question, and then said, "Well, Chris. We didn't really - I hardly knew you." "Yeah," Chris said. "I mean, I would have, you know, but we didn't really talk much at VCC, and stuff like that wasn't exactly up to me anyway. Not in the beginning." Chris nodded and then grinned. "You know I'm just yanking you around, Howard. You don't have to be all apologetic." Howie smiled, relieved. "Yeah. It would have looked sort of funny anyway when you think about it, you know? The four of us and little blond Nicky." "Sure," Chris said. They were quiet after that. Howie disappeared to read his mail, and Kevin and Chris sat quietly in the kitchen waiting for their pizza to finish. It was so rare that things with Chris were quiet and Kevin relished the times when they could just silently enjoy each other's company. He knew, though, that this time the silence wasn't due to comfort. Chris's mind was racing, his eyes flickering across the kitchen. Too many 'what ifs', Kevin thought. But it would work out for Chris. Kevin had never been more positive. After a few minutes, Chris stiffened, went though a physical change, sitting up straighter, smiling, and the anxious look in his eyes disappeared. "Okay, I'm over it," he said, slapping his hands on the table. "Okay," Kevin said, for lack of any better response. "Sorry, I don't usually throw pity parties for myself, you know. That's not, I'm just not cool with that. Work just sucked today, s'all." "You don't have to do that," Kevin said. "You can talk to me about that kind of stuff." "What kind of stuff?" Chris asked, trying to look innocent. He grinned and Kevin let it slide. The aroma of cooking cheese and tomato sauce wafted through the apartment, eventually drawing Brian from his bedroom. The three talked basketball over dinner, and then baseball, and then Chris talked hockey for what felt like an hour, and Kevin played along, pretending that his love of the game was as great as Chris's. And for those fifteen minutes it almost was. Chris's enthusiasm was almost always contagious. When Brian had retreated back to his video games and Kevin and Chris had shut themselves in Kevin's room, Chris magically produced a small box from a pocket in his thin jacket. He handed it to Kevin with flourish and a little bow. "What's this?" Kevin asked, turning the box in his fingers. "A gift," Chris shrugged and threw himself on the bed. He fidgeted, adjusted his pants, craned his neck and looked about the room. It was the first gift he'd given Kevin and Kevin smiled a little to put him at ease. "It's not much," he said. "I don't want you to think that I'm treating you like a girlfriend who needs flowers and candy every weekend or anything. I'm not trying to get into your panties. I just thought you'd think it was cool." "Cool," Kevin responded. He sat on the bed beside Chris and pulled the lid off the box. It was stuffed with white tissues and Kevin pushed them aside, revealing six small plastic ninja men. The small ninja represented a rainbow of colors - pink, yellow, blue, purple, green, and orange. Chris sat up and glanced at the ninjas in the open box. "Little ninjas," Kevin said, and raised an eyebrow. He knew there was some sort of reasoning behind it. One thing he'd learned about Chris in the few short weeks was that there was always some sort of convoluted reasoning behind it. Chris just nodded and shrugged again. "The movie that's constantly playing on your television," Kevin guessed. He plucked the ninjas from the box, one by one, and lined them up on the coffee table. Pink, orange, yellow, green, blue, purple. "Yep," Chris nodded. "I was at the supermarket and there they were, by the door. Gumball machines. Anyway, they made me think of you." Kevin wondered how many quarters Chris had wasted. How long it had taken him to get one of each color. How many duplicates he had hidden away somewhere. But Kevin didn't ask. Instead he set the box down on the table beside the line of rainbow ninjas - "a symbol of our gay gay loving," Chris would say several days later - and sat back until Chris finally, after several minutes of staring, understood the invitation and eagerly began removing his pants. "No, no! Seriously. That's not what the gift was for!" Chris protested, but his mouth never seemed to slow the rest of him down, and this instance was no exception. "Wow," Nick said, lining up the tiny ninjas in front of him. "Chris is so cool." It was a long rehearsal day, and only their first of three fifteen minute breaks. It was hazy and humid outside, and one of those days that threatened to drag on forever. The first half an hour had felt like three, but the day had started to look up when Lou arrived and word got around that he had an announcement to make late in the afternoon. The second half-hour had gone much quicker after that, but the anticipation was starting to kill them and time had begun to drag once more. "Why did he get you tiny plastic ninjas?" Howie asked, scratching his chin. He twisted the cap off a bottle of water, the snap of the plastic seal breaking was crisp and satisfying against the dry hum of the air conditioner. And at least they had an air conditioner. That was an improvement at any rate. "Because he's cool," Nick supplied. "It had to do with the night we hooked up after the bar," Kevin said, watching Nick rearrange the little plastic men. Nick stopped and turned to listen to him, and Kevin remembered that there were certain things he should really keep to myself. "I'll tell you later," Kevin assured Howie. "You suck," Nick griped, turning back to the ninjas. "Chris is cool though. I don't know why he's dating you." Howie swatted the back of Nick's head so that Kevin didn't have to. Brian and AJ appeared then. They'd been playing basketball on the other end of the room, or some game that was nothing like basketball except that it involved a basketball. There was no net, and mostly it looked like they'd just been throwing the ball at an imaginary spot on the wall. And even in this made up version of the game, AJ was pathetically bad and Brian kicked his ass. "What is Lou doing in there?" AJ asked, waving a hand over toward Lou's office. He grabbed the water bottle from Howie's grip and took a long swallow, wiping his mouth afterward with the back of his hand. "It seems silly to make us wait all day," Brian agreed. "Yeah. I bet it's nothing," AJ griped, and Nick nodded in agreement, but didn't look up from the plastic toys. "I bet it's like 'hey boys, we've decided you should all wear overalls with elastic straps tomorrow. It's part of the image." "Overalls with elastic straps?" Howie asked. AJ shrugged. "First thing that came to mind." "It could be news about the single or the video," Brian suggested. The music started again and Fatima was waving and calling out to them. "I don't think this day could possibly go any slower," AJ sighed. Kevin was inclined to agree. "God," Chris said, after the lights had been turned out and the television shut off. "What the hell is that?" "Not sure," Kevin said, listening to the rhythmic clicking. "The building settling maybe." "It do that all night?" Chris shifted, flopped over onto his back and propped his hands behind his head. "Just about." "I never noticed it before," Chris said. The walls had clicked since they'd moved in. It drove Howie insane the first few weeks but after awhile he'd gotten used to it. Brian could sleep anywhere at anytime and claimed that he'd never even noticed the noise. Kevin found it soothing. It reminded him of a clock that hung in the living room of his grandmother's house. He used to sleep on the couch there when they all went to visit and the ticking of that clock sounded so loud when the house was quiet. The clicking in the walls was much quieter and less rhythmic, but it calmed Kevin nonetheless. Reminded him of lazy Kentucky afternoons, and crickets chirping outside of open windows and the faint lilac scent of his grandmother's linens. "Lou had good news yesterday," Kevin said, shifting to face Chris. "Yeah?" "We're joining a group tour in Canada. Just a few days there, but then we're heading right into a small mall tour. We head out on the thirteenth." Chris was quiet for a moment, staring up at the ceiling, and the clicking was the loudest that Kevin had ever heard it. "Next week?" he asked finally. "Yeah," Kevin said. He propped himself up on his pillows so that he could look down at Chris. Chris was still staring at the ceiling, but eventually his gaze shifted to meet Kevin's. "Short notice, I know." "No, it's cool though. That's awesome for you guys." "Yeah, I hope so." "And I plan to be really busy anyway," Chris added, pinching Kevin's side. Kevin scrunched back down to lay beside Chris on the bed. "Oh yeah?" Kevin asked. He rolled over onto his side and slipped an arm around Chris's waist, pulled a little, a hint for Chris to move closer. Chris glanced at him and then rolled to his side and pressed his back to Kevin's chest. It wasn't so much different, Kevin thought. Not that much different from Kristin. He'd thought it might be. He'd slept with guys before, of course. Several times. He didn't think that he was gay, not completely, because he'd loved Kristin more than anything when they weren't fighting, but this was good too. It wasn't as different as he would have thought. Chris's hair was soft against his cheek, but Chris's body was hard beneath his hands. Chris was alive, constantly in motion. He was sharp, all angles, everything about him was sharp. Kristin had been soft, soft curves and soft skin, but her personality had included many of the same angles, the same stab. And now that Kevin was leaving, they had something else in common. He'd probably lose them both. "Yep, very busy," Chris confirmed before falling silent. It had been at least a minute since Kevin's last question, and Kevin had to backtrack, remember what exactly it was that Chris was responding to. Busy. Kevin had no faith in long distance relationships. He'd tried it out of high school. His high school sweetheart disappeared, went off to school in Chicago, and they'd been okay the first few months, calling each other on the phone every night, whispering 'I love you's' so that they didn't disturb her roommate. It was fun and it was exciting in the beginning, but then distrust entered the picture, and Kevin doubted at that age that they'd ever been unfaithful, but it tore them apart nonetheless. Story of Kevin's life, really. Not enough trust. And in this instance, Kevin couldn't even guess where they were. Where they were going. Chris had called Kevin his boyfriend once, but it had been in jest, and so Kevin could never really tell. He could ask, sure, but from what he'd learned of Chris, he knew that Chris didn't like things defined. He didn't like labels, and so he feared that if anything, a question like that, such a girlfriendly question, may drive Chris off. Fuck-buddies. Not in love, not yet, but Kevin knew that it could be there. It could grow. Friends. Confidants that slept together. That was how it seemed to Kevin, but wasn't that nearly the same as dating? "You can sleep with other people while you're there," Chris said suddenly. "It's like a right of passage. Sleeping with groupies." Kevin snorted. "Don't be an ass." "I'm serious. You should sleep with them and then tell me all about your adventures. I mean, I plan to be very busy, so I probably won't be that interested, but you should tell me anyway. And then we can laugh about it, and maybe have phone sex or something." Kevin stared at the back of Chris's head. "I'm not going to sleep with groupies," Kevin said again. He leaned up on his shoulder and looked down at Chris. Chris was staring at the wall, but he glanced up when he felt Kevin watching. "You probably should," Chris repeated, quietly. Kevin kissed the corner of Chris's mouth before settling back down with his arm securely around Chris's waist. He'd been wrapped up in his own long distance issues so much that he'd forgotten that Chris might have some of his own. "God," Chris said again. "It really does that clicking all night?" "Chris," Kevin moaned, rubbing his temples. "Please. Please, just shut the fuck up." "Is it annoying you?" Chris asked, getting right up close to Kevin's ear and continuing the song. It was a children's song about bananas and money and someone's momma and Chris had been singing it in falsetto nonstop for the last twenty minutes. Chris's voice was ridiculously high normally, and this was just too much. Kevin wouldn't be surprised if dogs started howling soon. "Yes," Kevin said, closing the book in his lap. "Yes." He'd spent the night with Chris, woken up with a hangover, and all he really wanted to do was go home, but he'd promised Chris he would stay, go out to lunch and then meet up with some of Chris's buddies from Universal for a game of basketball. The clock on Chris's wall said it was only ten though, and Kevin thought he'd never make it. He sighed. "You know that it's annoying me, Chris." Chris frowned. "I'll stop singing it then," he reasoned, but just started up with a different song five minutes later. Chris threw food at Kevin in the restaurant, repeatedly tripped him during basketball, and then spilt grape soda down the front of Kevin's T-shirt. By the third day of this shtick Kevin began to catch on. "I know what you're doing," Kevin said, swatting at the miniature Nerf football that Chris kept throwing at his head while he tried to drive. "What?" Chris asked, bouncing the ball off the windshield instead. "You think if you're obnoxious enough I'll break up with you before we leave for Canada. I don't know why you want me to do that, but other than motive, I've got you all figured out." "You think so?" Chris asked. "I'm kind of always this obnoxious." "Well, yes," Kevin said, "but you generally spread it out more. Come on, fess up. The evidence is all there. I tell you we're leaving for awhile, you turn into a complete freak. You're trying to drive me away." Kevin pulled into the parking lot of his apartment complex, cutting the engine and turning to look at Chris. Chris shrugged and got out of the car, waiting in front of it for Kevin to join him. "Is it working?" Chris asked, glancing at Kevin as they trudged up the stairs. "Kind of," Kevin said, smiling. The apartment was empty and Kevin sat on the living room couch and watched Chris bounce the football off the wall. "So you're not going to say anything else?" Kevin asked finally after several minutes of silence. "It's only a month or so." Chris dropped the football and came to sit beside Kevin. "I'm not good at this," he said. "Good at what?" "Any of this. But especially not if you're not here." "It'll be fine," Kevin said, shaking his head. "We'll just keep in touch over the phone." "I'm annoying on the phone," Chris warned, taking off his shirt. "I'll take my chances," Kevin said. "What are you doing?" "Stripping," Chris was undoing his jeans now. "Why?" "So we can fuck," Chris said, untying his shoes. "On the couch?" Kevin asked, and then stopped and wondered why he was questioning. No one else was around, and no, Kevin wasn't sure where they were or when they'd be back, but Chris wanted to fuck on the couch, and he wasn't throwing around the damn football anymore, and he wanted to fuck on the couch. Kevin began rapidly removing articles of clothing. "Nervous?" Howie asked, sitting down beside Kevin on the plane. Nick was sitting on his other side, Brian and AJ across the aisle. "A little," Kevin admitted. "I am," Nick breathed, dramatically. He reached across Howie to smack Kevin's knee, an act of adolescent solidarity. Kevin pulled the small box of plastic ninjas from the pocket in his bag before stuffing the bag beneath the seat. "Oh, awesome," Nick said, still leaning forward, looking around where Howie sat, his eyes already closed. He was attempting to fall asleep, but he kept opening them when someone spoke. Nick was afraid of flying, and they both knew that Nick planned to talk through take off, just to keep his mind off it. Howie didn't have much chance of falling asleep. "Those coming with us?" Nick asked, pointing at the box in Kevin's hand. "Yeah," Kevin said, picking at a corner of the box. "How come Chris didn't come to the airport to see us leave?" Nick asked. "He had to work," Kevin said, or at least Kevin assumed that Chris had to work. He hadn't actually heard from Chris for two days, since they fucked on the couch, actually, and Chris had told him at that time that he didn't believe in good-byes. "I just don't do them," he'd shrugged, pulling on his boxers. Kevin had assumed that he just didn't use the words, but apparently Chris meant that he avoided them and disappeared instead. Kevin had left him a list of the hotels they'd be staying at, complete with dates and phone numbers for the front desk, but after Chris's disappearing act, and in the days before that, his attempt to drive Kevin away, Kevin had no idea if Chris intended to use them. "That sucks," Nick said beside Howie on the plane. "I'll miss him." Howie looked like he was watching a ping pong match, turning his head whenever someone spoke. The plane was lined up for take off and the stewardess stood in the aisle, running over the safety procedures. Kevin tried to listen, but Nick was still talking, now about the video game he planned to make someday featuring the tiny ninjas. Kevin handed him the box, and Nick proceeded to babble, but his attention was on the small plastic figures now and Nick and Howie could pretend he was babbling to himself. Soon, they knew, Nick would ask AJ to switch seats with them so that he could play GameBoy with Brian and AJ would do it, and perhaps then their row would be quiet. Next