Nick thought that they had to be kidding. It was a joke. They were getting him back for all the pranks that he and Brian played on everyone in Europe. That was it. There was no way that they were seriously thinking about suing the label now. And it wasn't like Nick could just not go along with it. Of course he was going to go along with it, he was a Backstreet Boy, but couldn't they have waited a few months? Couldn't they have waited and done this together? Sometimes Nick was inclined to think that they just didn't care enough. About him. And that was pretty scary, and probably not true, but there it was. Nick's best interests were never taken into consideration, it was always the collective, or one of the other guys. Nick was pretty close to rock bottom, but it was AJ that they worried about, AJ that was sent to rehab, and Nick was left to fend for himself, to pull himself out of it. And okay, that was a good thing. Nick felt good, stronger, and he thought that that was maybe why, but couldn't they at least approve of the way he did it? The way he saved himself. And okay, they did support him even though they weren't there, and they did love him, but they resented it, and it was partially Nick's fault. The timing was bad, and he sort of dropped it on them out of nowhere, but it's not like they didn't need the break. They definitely needed the break, and Nick thought that things would probably be a lot worse if it weren't for him. And they probably weren't kidding but Nick gave it a shot anyway. "You're kidding, right?" he asked. The fact that it was Howie that broke the news pretty much ensured that it was no joke. "No," Howie said. "Nicky. They've been trying to screw us over for months. Kevin thinks even longer." "Kevin," Nick said. Kevin probably convinced Howie to call Nick because he knew that Nick wouldn't go all ape shit on Howie like he might on Kevin. Kevin was a conspiracy theorist at heart. He saw sabotage in everything, and usually he was right. The problem was that Kevin was always blind to it until it was too late. So everyone knew that hindsight was twenty-twenty, but that didn't change the fact that Kevin knew what he was doing. It didn't change the fact that Kevin knew that Howie could convince Nick to commit to just about anything. It also didn't change the fact that Nick had every intention of whining about it. "But, D. Now?" he asked. That was really his biggest problem. He didn't care so much if they sued Jive. They were Backstreet Boys, they'd be okay. And Jive did kind of try to screw them over a lot. They'd talked about leaving the label on and off for years, ever since Kevin started seeing Jive's plot to pit their two largest selling groups against one another, just as Lou had planned years earlier. Howie snorted and Nick could tell that he was smiling on the other end of the line. "What?" Nick asked. "It's Now or Never, baby," Howie said. Nick rolled his eyes. "That was lame, man." "Yeah. Well. Listen, I've gotta go but Kevin's going to send you some papers. They should be there within a week. Read them over, and Nicky?" Nick grunted to indicate that he was still listening. "We love you, okay? No matter how things might sound and what you might think next week." "I know," Nick said. Even when he pretended he didn't. Ten years and it was the one thing he could count on. * * * * * * The papers reached Nick in a week exactly. He had appearances lined up as well as a few concerts in the span of a few days and so he set the papers aside. Nick had never been great at reading contracts, at comprehending statements. Usually he let Kevin explain things, he let management tell him what was going on, but Kevin had sent the papers and they weren't exactly something that one showed to someone that worked for the company you were planning to sue. Eventually Nick pulled his glasses from their case and sat down to leaf through the documents. He stared at the manila envelope for several minutes, preparing himself for the inevitable feeling of stupidity that was sure to prevail as soon as he began and could only understand ten percent of what was written. Nick pulled back the metal tabs and sighed as he slid the papers into his lap. He started reading and frowned, squinted a little, read on. Nick grunted and stared at the wall for a moment. He almost didn't believe what he was reading. He flipped through the pages and then back again, but they looked official. How could they possibly think that he would be okay with this? Suddenly the pain in the ass timing was the last thing on Nick's mind. Maybe the things they'd been saying, the words he'd been hearing, everything for the last several months - It was a little too much. Nick knew that there were some hurt feelings. AJ was upset, and Kevin was a little bothered, but mostly it was AJ. Brian felt betrayed but he had a baby coming and got over that quickly enough, and Howie was as easy going as ever. But maybe that wasn't true. Maybe they'd been lying to him. That's certainly how the papers sitting in his lap made it seem. Nick shoved the documents off his lap onto the bedspread. He needed to talk to someone. His first instinct was to call one of the guys, but for the first time in a long time that wasn't a solution. He wasn't even going to talk to Howie until he thought this one through. Maybe it was time that Nick started thinking for himself. He'd started, he did a little, he was living out a dream and that counted, but things were going on that he hadn't known about, that he hadn't guessed and he had to look out for Nick. So the fellas were out of the question. He could talk to the band, but the band was a bit uptight, a bit holier than Nick remembered and this was the last thing he wanted to confide in them about. They were fun, Nick liked them all right, but a five way homosexual relationship with some girls on the side was not exactly something that they approved of. Nick bit his lip and leaned off the edge of the bed, digging through his bag until he found his address book. He'd had it for years and it was filled with the numbers of people that he barely knew, never talked to. Family. He could call his family. His mom was out of the question. She was all for the Backstreet Boys, all for the group, but not at all for the relationship and he didn't trust that she would give unbiased advice. He didn't trust that most of the time anyway, but she really liked the solo thing, so he especially didn't trust it in this instance. And his father, though Nick loved him dearly, would listen to Jane when it came to business. This wasn't really business, but it might as well be. Aaron and Angel, Leslie, and BJ. They would listen. They were great at that. They were also young and sometimes troubled and they couldn't give advice. They could listen but what Nick needed was advice. Nick wasn't ready to think for himself. Not completely. And that was pretty much the end of the list off the top of his head. * * * * * * Nick idly flipped channels and listened to his band laughing on the other side of the wall. He'd thought briefly about joining them, but he had things on his mind and guessed he probably wouldn't prove much fun. Nick sighed. He was flipping too fast to really catch anything worth watching and he'd been through the channel selection three times. The lawsuit documents were in a pile beside him. He was actively not looking at them. Nick saw something familiar and stopped flipping channels, going back a few until he reached what had caught his eye. Justin Timberlake's video. And hey, Nick was pretty sure that Justin was in town. He picked up the address book from where he'd tossed it and leafed through it until he found the T's. He hadn't spoken to Justin since the Latin Grammy's and then only briefly. That was months ago, but he'd always liked Justin, and the really important thing, the thing that made Nick want to pick up the phone right then, was that Justin knew. Justin knew all about everything and he had for years. Since Europe Justin had spent a lot of his time blowing Nick off, but Justin was in the city and Justin knew and Nick would really really like someone to talk to. Just a sounding board. He didn't like going outside of the group, but it wasn't really, Justin was part of the circle though maybe not by choice. He probably didn't like them that much, but he was trustworthy. He was definitely that. Brian always said that Nick was too open with his secrets. That was maybe true, but he hadn't been with Justin and look where that had gotten him. And Brian didn't really keep both eyes open when it came to the Backstreet Boys anyway, so Nick figured it didn't really matter what Brian thought about some of Nick's choices. Nick knew that Brian probably thought that they weren't speaking. And Nick knew that Brian probably thought that it was because of the baby. And Nick thought about not speaking to Brian over the baby, but that seemed awful in a way that the other times he snubbed Brian didn't. The thing was, Nick liked Leighanne. She was nice and all, and Nick didn't think she liked any of them all that much, but at least she tried. At least she pretended to be friendly. Leighanne wasn't what bothered Nick, not really. It was the fact that Brian kept her in the dark. It was the fact that Brian thought of them as his dirty secrets that needed to be hidden. Looking down at Brian from above, watching Brian's face screwed up in ecstasy, it was one of the most beautiful things Nick had ever seen. And it always felt special, because how many people had ever been in that position with Brian? How many people would ever be? Nick could count them on one hand. It was special, it was a connection, and Brian thought that it was something to hide. Nick picked up the phone and dialed. * * * * * * Justin was standing there looking uncomfortable when Nick opened the door to let him in. "Um. Hey," Justin said, but he didn't look Nick in the eye. He looked out of place in a tracksuit with his spotless sneakers and his awkward stance. Justin crossed his arms over his chest and glanced up and down the hallway. Nick smiled and crossed his arms over his chest as well. "Hey," he said. "You gonna let me in or what?" "Yeah, sure." Nick moved aside and watched as Justin slipped by him into the room. He shut the door and followed Justin. "So what's up?" Justin asked. His arms were still crossed and Nick tried to move into Justin's line of site but Justin kept averting his eyes. Maybe Justin wasn't a good choice after all. "How are you?" Nick asked, trying to make things at least a little less awkward. He sat on the bed and watched Justin pace by the window. "How's the solo thing going." Justin did look at him then. He looked at Nick and smiled. It was the same smile Justin always shot at Nick and Nick could never quite figure out what it was supposed to mean. It wasn't completely genuine, he knew that much. He smiled back anyway. "I don't want to talk about the album, man," Justin said. "I thought you wanted me to come over here." Justin ran a hand over his shaved head. He looked frustrated. "I don't think I thought you'd actually, you know, come," Nick said. Justin threw his hands in the air and sat in the chair by the window. "Well, here I am. So what's the problem? Why did you call me?" Nick sighed and pointed at the stack of papers on the end table. He wasn't really intending to bring that part into it. Kevin would kick his ass if he knew that he was showing important Backstreet documents to Justin Timberlake. Justin stood and glanced at the papers. He stood over them for a minute, saying nothing, his arms still crossed over his chest. He didn't touch the papers, must only be skimming the one on top. Nick poked at the flowers in the bedspread and waited for Justin to say something. Justin turned then and Nick looked up, meeting Justin's eyes for the first time since he'd arrived. He couldn't read them. He didn't know Justin well enough, and yet here he was telling things that he didn't even want to talk about with his own family. "Oh," Justin said. "So you guys aren't -" He made a gesture with his hands and Nick watched, his face scrunched in confusion. "You know," Justin said, this time making a gesture that Nick got right away. "Oh, no," Nick said, shaking his head. "We are. I think." Justin sat on the bed beside Nick. Close. Close enough that their thighs touched. Nick looked at them and then at Justin. Justin looked like he was searching for something and he was sort of freaking Nick out. Nick was starting to think that maybe he should just ask Justin to leave. Suck it up and call Howie. Keep it in the group, but then Justin kissed him. Nick was taken off guard and the kiss was quick, a slip of tongue, wet and warm, and then Justin was looking at him again, his nose only an inch or two from Nick's face. "Oh," Justin said, a whisper really, and to Nick it sounded like understanding. * * * * * * "How do I measure up?" Justin asked, his leg thrown across both of Nick's. Nick opened his eyes and looked down at Justin. This wasn't something he'd planned. Not really. That didn't mean that it wasn't kind of nice. Nick touched Justin's head, and then ran his hand over it, liking the feel of the shorn hair. He liked the way it felt against his shoulder, against his thighs. "Measure up?" he asked, his hand straying to run along the line of Justin's back. Justin was huge, all muscle. Nick was still bigger, but not the kind of bigger that he wished he was. "Yeah," Justin said. "How do I measure up to four Backstreet Boys?" "Oh," Nick said. "I don't know. They're all different. It's different." "But how do I measure up to the collective?" Justin pressed. His fingers slipped between Nick's thighs and Nick spread his legs a little more. "Um," Nick said, a little distracted. "We never - I didn't, you know, ask you to come here for this." "I know," Justin said. "It was kind of why I came though." "Oh," Nick said. Justin removed his hand from between Nick's legs and propped himself up. "I'm kidding," Justin said. "I came because you sounded upset and I was curious." "Okay." The second explanation wasn't really much better, but Nick wanted to take his mind off things, and Justin had certainly succeeded in that. Though now that Nick was thinking about about it, it was all back, and the betrayal, the hurt. All definitely still there. "I think it's over. You know? I think we're falling apart." Justin nodded but was quiet. Nick wished he could see the expression on Justin's face, wished he knew what was going on there. He just needed to understand something. Nick could hear the band in the room next door, the television turned up loudly. They were laughing and a guitar was playing. It almost sounded like the get togethers Howie used to throw in his hotel room. Not quite as loud. "So you've never, you know?" Justin said finally. "Never all five of you?" Nick shook his head. Justin sighed and bit his lip for a few moments. Nick watched, his fingers pulling at the bed sheets. "Maybe you should," Justin said finally, and it almost sounded like defeat. Justin sat up and leaned back against the headboard. Nick followed suit, propping himself up against the pillows. He pulled the blankets with him as he went. "Like an orgy?" Justin shrugged. "Well, you know, it's been what like 6, 7 years since you all started sleeping together? And it's all five of you but you pair off, right? And you know, there's always someone left out then. Or it seems to me like there would be. It's like - it happens with us too. I mean. We don't fuck each other, but we pair off, man, you know. Me and Chris, Joey and Lance, and it always leaves someone out. Sometimes it's JC. Sometimes it's Lance. Sometimes me. You know, it changes, and it's not a big deal but there are shifts in like, dynamic, and it just seems like if you take it a step farther, if these shifts are romantic, then you're going to end up with a lot of hidden hurt feelings, a lot of doubt, a lot of jealousy, and probably some bitterness. I mean, no wonder you guys are so intense all the time." "Oh," Nick said dumbly. He didn't really expect Justin to actually give him advice. Mostly he just expected to forget about things. Some hot sex if things went really well. Okay, so he didn't really expect that, but it had happened anyway. "And also, this is kind of stupid when you think about it," Justin continued. "Look at you guys. This isn't the worst you've been through! This is nothing! I don't know why you're even phased by this, man. Jesus, you know, marriages, rehab, obnoxious upstart rival bands," Justin winked and Nick shook his head, "babies, backstabbing, man. All that. What does one more little lawsuit matter?" "It's just - you know, your guys. They're there. They talk, you know what they're thinking. You know they're there. And with this solo album, and they weren't really happy about that, and now this lawsuit. I just don't know anymore. It almost feels like they're pushing. Like they want me to leave." "That's because Backstreet Boys have lives. I mean, I'm not saying we don't, but seriously, we're a bunch of losers. We've got nothing better to do. And so, you know, we're around. But I bet if you asked Lance his tune would be a lot different for a large space there when he was in Russia. We supported him, but he was so far away, and I know he thought he was alone. I know he did. You're cut off. You're not close to them and so you think that things are going down, but you know, it's just a communication problem. A glitch in radar or something." "A glitch in radar," Nick repeated. "It's kind of a big glitch. I mean, did you read this thing?" Nick picked up the stack of papers from the night table and waved it in Justin's face. "Well, that's what the orgy thing is about, man. I can't believe I'm saying this. You know, I never told you, but jesus, I was practically in love with you in Europe, Nick. And then the way it ended, and I've just been waiting for the Backstreet Boys to fall apart. For years. And now look at me. Aiding the enemy and shit." Nick frowned. He had no idea that Justin had held a grudge about that. "I'm sorry," he said, sincerely, because he'd really liked Justin. He always had, and the last few months he'd really tried to get closer, become friends again, and Justin had been pushing him away left and right, and Nick just hadn't guessed that it was because of something that happened so long ago. He'd guessed that maybe Justin didn't like him, and you know, that was okay, Nick was okay with that, and he just kept trying because he did like Justin and Nick was never one to take a hint. He got them, he just didn't always take them. "I'm sorry," he said again. He probably hadn't gotten some of the hints. Justin shrugged. "We don't need to go into it. You know, just a little bitter, but this feels really good. Not to like toot my horn or anything, but I feel like this is really big of me." Justin laughed. "Don't say anything, okay, man? I know. Just let me revel in being the bigger person right now. I'll think about the fact that that sounded really self absorbed later." "Okay," Nick said. Justin never used to talk this much in Europe. Or afterward, but that was probably just because Justin didn't like to talk to Nick much at all afterward. "The orgy thing, man. You know, orgy makes it sound dirty. But the pairing off and the paranoia and the glitches in radar. To make a long story short, I think you guys just need the connection. And that's probably a fun way to get it." Nick thought about it. It wasn't like it was something that had never occurred to him before. He talked about it with AJ, he'd had fantasies about it, but it wasn't them and the fantasies were a passing thing. "I don't know," Nick said doubtfully. "It sounds easy, but that's not really the way we are. I just don't think - I mean, like Brian would never go for that. Not in a million years. And Howie would probably die of shock and embarrassment." Justin shrugged. "You don't know till you try it." "But the lawsuit, and I think maybe it's too late." "You don't know until you try it," Justin repeated. He climbed out of bed and started collecting his clothes. Nick watched. "You gotta talk, man. You guys aren't talking. This is all some crazy mix-up or whatever, you know?" "How do you know? You don't know anything about us," Nick accused, sitting up as Justin took his clothes and disappeared into the bathroom. "Oh, I know," Justin said, speaking up so that Nick could hear him clearly. "I know that those guys are crazy about you. It kind of pisses me off, but that doesn't mean it's not there, man." Justin emerged from the bathroom fully dressed. He pulled his sneakers from beneath the bed and then sat on the edge, slipping the shoes onto his feet. "What's with the track suits?" Nick asked. He wasn't going to mention it, but he had things that he needed to think about and he was stalling. Justin shrugged. "What's with the chains and leather?" Nick smiled and pulled at the blankets pooled around his waist. "You owe me a game of basketball, bro." "I hate it when you call me bro," Justin said. "Listen, I gotta jet. You talk to your guys. If I'm wrong, if it's like you think, then call me and we'll play some one on one. If I'm right, well, then let's just go back to the way things were. I don't really want to hear about it." "Oh," Nick said. He didn't think he'd ever really understand Justin. "Okay." Next