In the grand scheme of things, Howie knew that he was fucked. He'd spent years listening to Nick whine about the fact that they'd ruined him for any type of normal relationship, but there was still hope for Nick. Nick was proving it every day. Nick could meet someone tomorrow and live happily ever after and Howie would still be stuck. Howie didn't think that Nick would up and leave them, he didn't even think that Brian would, though Brian talked about it sometimes, but it didn't stop Howie from worrying that his world might crumble around him at any moment. It didn't stop him from buying into predictions that said just that. That was the thing about it really. The Backstreet Boys were prone to bouts of paranoia and suspicion. They always had been, and if Howie really wanted to admit it, he thought that Lou and Johnny and Nsync could probably be blamed, they were the roots, but Howie really liked the Nsync guys, so he usually didn't like to admit it. But paranoia and suspicion were the norm, and Howie wasn't surprised at all when he went to visit LA in September and found Kevin talking about sabotage. As far as Howie could tell it had a lot less to do with sabotage and a lot more to do with timing. It had been a tough time for them as a group, and they all needed a longer break when they went back into that studio. They loved with an intensity that few people ever experienced, but it had to come in pulses or it was too overwhelming and they self destructed. Never permanently, but breaks were definitely a necessity. A few fights, some bickering, add in a little jealousy (which was always present in a five way relationship that also included other relationships on the side) and suddenly they had an album on hold and one fifth of their unit recording on his own in Sweden and most of them weren't speaking. And sure, a lot of the fights had to do with the label, they weren't being cooperative at all, and they jumped at the chance for a solo album by Nick Carter. And it was pretty obvious why when Howie heard that Justin Timberlake had an album in the works as well. That was a little too perfect. A month and seventeen days. That's what the psychic had told him. Howie always asked the same question, the only question that really mattered, but this is the first time the answer had ever worried him. It was so close. Howie wondered if something could be so strong and yet so fragile at the same time. * * * * * * Howie went through phases. They all did really. They were all together, but sometimes strings were pulled and certain ties were stronger than others for a time. In other words, they paired off. In the beginning, Howie pretty much stuck with AJ. Nick was still so young, and so beautiful, but mostly young, and Howie was with Brian and Kevin, but there was a distance there, a formality that wasn't there in the beginning with AJ. With AJ it felt like a bond and with the others it felt like an experiment. Because the thing was, Howie was the only one of them that considered himself gay. AJ and Kevin were bisexual, Nick hated labels but dated girls, and Brian really thought that deep down he was straight and they were all just some kind of exception. And that might be true, and it seemed like Brian thought that it made them special, but it also certainly didn't help the paranoia within the group. But that was a story for later, and in the beginning it was Howie and AJ. AJ and Howie. Howie was smitten, and AJ was attached to him at the hip. It lasted until Nick came along. Until Nick entered the picture it was AJ and Howie, Howie and AJ, with a side of Brian and Kevin and some snuggling with little Nick. And didn't that make it sound like it was all about sex. But really, Howie never did anything just for sex. It wasn't worth it. And sex was the last thing that any of what happened between the Backstreet Boys was about. If it were about sex it wouldn't have lasted so long. They wouldn't be here now. So AJ and Nick were the new pair. Nick and AJ. And Howie ended up spending more time with Brian than he ever would have imagined. Of all of them, Howie had always felt the most distant from Brian, the most like they just didn't mesh. They were friends, but there was a barrier there, a fence that they ran up against sometimes, a bit of a clash. They rarely argued - it wasn't that. They agreed on most issues and they didn't really butt heads, and yet there was something missing, some connection that just wasn't there. But somehow that fence disappeared in the months that they were close. In the few months that they shared hotel rooms and slept wrapped up in one another and Howie really felt like they'd finally made the connection that they were missing. But it didn't last long. Only a few months and the fences returned as soon as Brian returned to rooming with Nick. Now Howie felt like they had moments, they almost felt like moments of clarity in which they found a gap in the fence, unions that sometimes meant more to Howie than he liked to admit, but they were always fleeting and short lived. Most things with Brian were short lived now because Brian had other long-term things going on. The Howie and Nick, Nick and Howie phase probably lasted the longest of any of them. Three years and it only really ended with this whole mess that they were in now. Solo albums and record labels and lawsuits. Nick grew up with them, with Howie, and Howie was so proud of him, loved him so much. Howie really missed Nick. Nick had always been central. He thought that they probably all secretly loved Nick the most. How could they not? It wasn't something that anyone would admit. More an unspoken truth, but there nonetheless. Nick kept them together, and maybe Nick was the key to tearing them apart. And there he went again. It gave him a headache. It just wasn't his role. Kevin was the pessimist. AJ was the fatalist. Howie didn't think that way. He didn't buy into that. Howie always believed that the glass was half full, that things would work out for the best, that love prevailed. Throw in a few classic screw-ups, a few major misunderstandings, and a psychic, and all of that was suddenly thrown out the window. Howie guessed that he was now in the midst of a Kevin phase. There'd been small Kevin phases before. It was hard not to get caught up in Kevin, not to get sucked into the dark handsome presence, and Howie thought that it might even be something of a dual phase, because AJ was in something of a Kevin phase as well. Kind of like a Howie and Kevin, Kevin and AJ sort of thing. But then AJ was also in a Sarah phase and Howie wasn't really that good with these classification systems anyway. He liked to try though. He liked some type of order. Howie hated relying on chance. * * * * * * The fellas made fun of him for his cell phone, but Howie had always felt that there was no better way to feel connected. Sometimes he honestly thought he'd be lost without it. He had everyone that he really cared about - and several people that he didn't - programmed in so that they were never more than a click or two away. During the extended break it kept him sane. During the countdown it kept him hoping. But sometimes Howie needed more. He had a few weeks with nothing to do but prepare for the cruise in December, and so he went to Los Angeles. He'd wanted to visit Brian, head for Atlanta, but he'd have to settle for phone calls because Brian and Leighanne were being hermits, and also the baby was due any day. Howie did make sure to call though. He thought that Brian might still be on shaky ground after his whole moral debacle over the baby and checking up on him was probably a good idea, but he found Brian in a state of pre-parental bliss that left him uncharacteristically chipper and lovey. Howie tried not to laugh as Brian locked himself in a bathroom to declare how much he loved Howie, to make sure that Howie knew that he loved them all so much and to assure them that he'd send pictures of Baylee as soon as he arrived. And of course Brian asked about Nick, because Nick had always been central and it would be strange of him not to. Howie promised to tell Nick that Brian loved him. He suspected that Nick already knew. He didn't call Kevin until he'd stepped off the plane, until he was in the process of hailing a cab to take him into the city, or farther out of it depending on what Kevin had to say. Just as Howie suspected, Kevin was happily surprised and immediately insisted that Howie stay with him. Kevin was outside as soon as the cab pulled up in front of the house, pulling Howie into a hug and helping him carry his small bag into the house. "You didn't bring much," Kevin pointed out. "Not planning on staying long?" "Not sure, I guess," Howie said. "I figured you have a washing machine, so I'm all set, I guess." Kevin pulled him in for a lingering kiss as soon as the front door was closed. Howie dropped his coat on the floor in the front hallway as Kevin pulled him up the stairs. Howie was definitely in a Kevin phase. Later they called AJ and met at Kevin's favorite restaurant, some small Italian place tucked into a hidden side street. Howie had no idea how Kevin had found it, but Kevin swore by it and took people there every chance he got. "So it's official," Kevin said between mouthfuls of pasta. "They said I should be getting the papers in a day or two." "And Brian's still in?" Howie asked, frowning. The afternoon had been good, had felt like old times, and suddenly it was like he was forced back into the present, back into uncertainty. Kevin nodded and AJ snorted and said, "The real question is Nick." "What do you mean?" Howie asked. "Nick knows about it." "Vaguely," AJ said, nodding at Kevin. "I wasn't vague," Kevin disagreed. "I said we're thinking about suing the label. He said 'okay, count me in.'" "He was vague," AJ insisted, and Howie's dinner felt like dead weight in his stomach. "I was pretty fucking clear," Kevin repeated. "I was there," AJ said. "So was I." "So Nick doesn't know what's going on?" Howie asked, trying to get to the point. Eighteen days and Kevin and AJ thought they had time to bicker. The thing was, Nick thought that he was screwed. Nick thought he was ruined for any normal relationship, but what Nick didn't see was that Nick was trying. Nick wasn't screwed because he was still out there. Howie had taken himself out of the game long ago. Howie had something to lose. "He knows," Kevin said with a tone of finality. "Nick's in." AJ didn't look convinced. Howie sighed. AJ came back to Kevin's with them and made himself comfortable on the couch as Howie helped Kevin make coffee. They carried their mugs back into the living room and handed AJ a third. "Where's Kristin?" AJ asked, accepting the second mug that Howie held. Howie sat on the couch beside AJ, crossing his legs at the knees. Kevin settled into a large chair. "She's in New York visiting one of her girlfriends. An old theater friend," Kevin said. AJ grinned. "You know what I've been thinking about?" he asked. "I'm afraid to ask," Kevin said. Howie didn't say anything, though he sort of agreed with Kevin. "Remember that time?" AJ asked, turning to look at Howie. Howie frowned. AJ was going to have to be a bit more specific than that. There were only nine and a half years full of times that AJ could be talking about. "The time with Brian?" "What time?" Kevin asked. Howie was about to ask the same, but Kevin got there first. "The time Brian walked in," AJ said. "You know and we -" "Oh," Howie said. That time. They didn't talk about it much. Brian had brought it up once as far as Howie remembered. They were curled up in bed in the early hours of the morning and Brian had brought it up, talked about it like it was a dream. A good dream. This was the first Howie had heard AJ speak of the improbable threesome. "I remember." "I think we should do it again," AJ said, setting his mug on the coffee table. "Do what?" Kevin asked. "Brian's not here." "No," AJ agreed. "But Kev is." AJ stood up and dragged a confused Kevin from his chair. "What?" Kevin asked again. "Threesome," AJ said by way of explanation, kissing Kevin before he could protest. * * * * * * Two days later Kevin showed Howie the papers over lunch. AJ had returned home and Kristin was back from New York. Howie was sitting at a picnic table in the backyard with a soda. Kevin emerged from the kitchen, crossing the patio and made for the tree that the picnic table sat beneath. He set a plate of sandwiches in front of Howie and then handed him the papers. Howie squinted at them in the sunlight and then shook his head, pushing the sandwiches aside and looking up at Kevin. "This isn't going to go over well," Howie said gesturing to the official press release. There was no way it was going to go over well. Not with any of them, really, but it would kill Nick. Kevin sighed. "Do you think we can sue our lawyers next?" His head was down and he was rubbing his temples. "Well," Howie said. "The part about doing anything to stay together. That's nice." Kevin nodded. "Jesus. If we weren't going to lose them before -" "Don't think that way. It sounds bad, yes. But, Kev. Ten years and it's not going to end over this. I don't believe it'll end over this." "Just because you're afraid to believe something -" Kevin started, looking at Howie and smiling sadly. "We'll get through it," Howie said, but he wasn't even convincing himself anymore. He picked up one of the sandwiches and took a small bite before setting it back on the plate. He really wasn't hungry at all. Kevin shook his head. "You sound so sure," he said sarcastically. He took a long sip from Howie's soda. "You know how Polly likes to go to those psychics?" Howie pulled a piece of the bread from the sandwich and rolled it between his fingers. It had been bothering him for weeks and it was so stupid, but he had to get it out. "Sure. When did they say the wedding date is this time?" Howie shrugged. "Psychics. Okay. And?" "I don't really buy it, you know? I don't believe that crap, but Polly likes me to go with her and she likes me to play along and so I do. And I always ask the same question." "What do you ask?" Kevin's voice was hesitant. "I always ask how long it'll last. You know. Us." "Howie," Kevin said in that patronizing tone that he got when he didn't quite approve. "You know that -" "It's all bogus, but usually they say, you know, a few more years. Five. Ten. Always a long way off." "What did she say this time?" "A month and 17 days." A breeze blew through the backyard, causing the trees to sway. Birds were chirping and everything was perfect except that it was all about to end. "Oh," Kevin said. "That's pretty specific. When did you go?" "A month ago yesterday. And Kevin. Since then Brian has come closer than ever to leaving us. Nick has been holding on by threads for months. AJ's still a little bitter and you know that bitter AJ is fickle. And now this, Kev." "So sixteen days." "It's just that everything seems so fragile lately. We're all over the place and I guess, you know, this lawsuit. It's hard not to start buying it, I guess." "What did she tell Polly?" "That there was no date. That she wasn't going to get married," Howie shook his head. Pollyanna had been less than thrilled. Kevin threw up his hands. "Well that settles it. You know that's not true. Look at Pollyanna. She's wonderful. That's totally not true. She'll find someone by this time next year and you know it." "Kevin." "The psychic's wrong, D." Kevin didn't call him D very often. "We have to send those papers to Nick." "It's not what it sounds like." "And you think he's going to believe that?" Howie guessed that Kevin had probably been pretty vague about the whole thing. AJ was prone to exaggeration, but Howie had no doubt that he was right about this. "We'll call him first. You'll call him. Warn him." "Sixteen days, Kevin." "It's not going to happen," Kevin insisted. "The psychic is bogus, just like you said." "You didn't sound so sure five minutes ago. You were just predicting the end, Kev. Quick change of tune. We don't need a psychic to tell us that things aren't going well, you know." Howie had always been the optimist. "No, but it's always nice to prove one wrong." Kevin had a gleam in his eye. The same gleam he had whenever he was suddenly set against the odds. The gleam that always meant that Kevin would come out on top. That they would come out on top. "We're going to pull through this. We will. You have to call Nick and warn him that the papers are coming. Prepare him for it. We won't let him go. Brian's staying. AJ's with us. There's no way we're losing Nick. We love him too much. I love him too much. And I love the Backstreet Boys." Kevin grinned. He sounded like the inspirational speech at the end of a sitcom, at the end of a teen drama, but at least he seemed to know it, and Howie grinned with him. "Call him now," Kevin said. "Call him while I'm here." Howie pulled the cell phone from his pocket. Next