Brian stared at the ceiling and listened to Leighanne's deep breathing. She was on the verge of snoring, there was a slight rasp to each breath, and Brian thought that she'd never snored before the pregnancy. It didn't bother Brian. Heck, he'd had to learn early on to sleep through just about anything, and there were only a few noises that caused him to shoot up in bed, wide awake. Most of those noises resembled screaming teenage girls. Or fire alarms, but mostly the teenage girls, which was why Brian figured he'd have no problem getting up in the night when the baby cried. So it wasn't the snoring that was keeping Brian awake. She wasn't really even snoring. Except that it was the snoring because the snoring reminded Brian of Howie, of Nick when Nick was sick, of AJ even though AJ only used to snore when he was drunk, which okay, was pretty often, but not ever anymore. And invariably his thoughts turned to Kevin and the phone call he'd received that afternoon. Brian knew - though if asked he'd deny it - that the phone call was really what was keeping him up. "I need to think about it," Brian said, squinting as he stared out the window into the early afternoon sun. Kevin had said nothing for what felt like several minutes. Brian frowned and examined his fingernails (he'd chewed them all off again) and finally broke down and spoke. "Kev?" "What is there to think about?" Kevin asked, and Brian could feel the edge of surprise and suppressed anger in Kevin's voice. "Just, you know," Brian stammered, because he didn't really know. He just knew that he needed to think. "That's kind of big, and things are complicated right now." "Complicated," Kevin repeated, and Brian could tell that he was openly hostile now. "They're trying to - Brian. I won't just sit back and let it happen." "Well, maybe it's time," Brian said and regretted it as soon as the words had left his mouth. He thought he heard Kevin gasp, and he winced a little, but quickly continued talking. "Listen, Kev. I've gotta go, and I'm not saying - I'm just saying that I want to think about it. We don't just jump into this kind of thing." Brian thought he was a pretty conservative guy. There were very few things that he jumped into without thinking first. And sure, jumping in without thinking could result in some of the best things in life, but there was also the possibility of ending up in a huge complicated mess and Brian already had enough of those. Brian stared at the ceiling and listened to Leighanne snore. He brought his thumb to his mouth, but there wasn't much nail left there, so he gently bit the pad. He just needed to think about it. * * * * * * The hard part was the lying. For one thing, Brian was horrible at it. He could handle little things, because what did little things really matter? But he didn't need to lie about the little things, and he didn't. It was the big things, the big thing, and sometimes it killed him. He was lying to one of the people he loved most in the entire world, and when it came down to it, it turned his entire life into a lie. It was the only lie he told and it was the only one that mattered. "You have a lying face," Leighanne told him once, laughing and grabbing the cookie that he'd stolen from his hand. "I do not," he said, the grin on his face only faltering for a moment. "You do. I can always tell when you're lying. Your eyes get all big and you raise your eyebrows like you're trying to look all earnest." Brian stared at her for a moment. She looked smug and triumphant, making a big show over eating her cookie. "I do not. It was mine. You must have eaten your last one, but you can have it. Because I'm a wonderful boyfriend." Leighanne rolled her eyes. "It's good, you know. You can't lie to me. Seems we pretty much have the trust thing down then, don't we?" Brian had nodded and changed the subject, because it was pretty obvious that Leighanne had absolutely no idea and Brian was going to hell. And he could do nothing to stop it. But now. Now they were on a break and things seemed to be naturally falling apart. The connection was missing. And maybe if they let it, the falling apart would become more like falling into place. Brian wasn't going to leave them. Not ever. Brian didn't want it to end and he could never actively bring himself to end it. He loved them too much, and the lies hurt, the lies killed him, but they were there first, last, and always, and most of the time the lies were more than worth it. Brian had two worlds and more love than most people could hope for in a lifetime. And if there was a one sided mirror, if one person was left in the dark, then maybe that was the way it had to be. It was protection. But now there was someone else. Now there was a baby. Now there were two people that would be on the wrong side of the mirror. Two people that would only really know about half of his life. Brian wanted to be a Backstreet Boy. He wanted to love them and make music together and tour the world. But that wasn't what the fight was about. Not really. So their album wasn't finished on time, so there was a monetary punishment. That wasn't really what was important. The important thing was that they were being ripped apart. Kevin wanted to fight for Nick when Brian wasn't even sure if Nick wanted to be fought for. Kevin wanted to preserve and protect when Nick was the one who had left in the first place. Kevin had a lot of grand ideas that were born out of love and Brian understood that. He stood behind that. He loved Nick too. But he had a son to think about, and maybe it would just be better to let things fall into place. Brian didn't like to swear, but fuck, he was confused. * * * * * * "So I'm thinking maybe it's not the best idea," Brian said. Howie was the person to go to when you couldn't talk to anyone else. Howie was as involved as the rest of them. The things that Brian was saying affected Howie as much as they affected Kevin. As much as they affected Brian. Well, perhaps not that much. But at any rate, Howie was always there, always willing to listen, always objective, and as in many situations, he was the only person Brian felt comfortable talking to about his doubts. "You want to break up?" Howie asked, skipping right to the point. Brian stood from the bed and shut the bedroom door despite the fact that Leighanne was out to lunch with her mother and then they were going baby shopping and she wouldn't be home for several hours. He switched the phone from his right shoulder to his left and paced the length of the bedroom. "I don't know," Brian admitted. "I love you. It's the most fucked up relationship ever, and we all know that, and I think it works. We work. We always have, even when we don't. But you know, being home, being with Leigh, things are simple. There's a connection. Things just feel so simple and truthful and real, and Howie, I have a son coming." "You should have told her in the beginning." Brian had stopped counting how many times the fellas had said that to him several years earlier. "Maybe." "It's eating at you." "She would have left me," Brian said. "She loves you." "Howie," Brian sighed. "She's not like Kristin or Sarah." Heck, she wasn't even like Mandy who, even after the several messy breakups, was remarkably confidential, despite the badmouthing about just about everything else pertaining to Nick. Nick was a little quick when it came to who he revealed his secrets to and Brian knew that eventually it would backfire. Nick didn't speak to Brian for a month when Brian made the decision not to tell Leighanne. Kevin just looked worried, AJ spoke his mind and told Brian that he was an idiot, Howie nodded, and Nick stopped talking to him. Brian could think of only three times that Nick stopped speaking to him for more than a day. The month after he decided not to tell Leighanne, for three weeks after he asked her to marry him, and for two months after the wedding. He wasn't positive that the third actually happened, they'd all been busy and out of touch at the time, but he'd heard from everyone else at least once and it seemed to follow Nick's pattern. So he was jealous. It wasn't like Brian never got jealous of AJ's girlfriends, or Nick's, or any of them. It wasn't like Brian didn't sometimes get jealous when Howie was with Nick, or when Kevin was with AJ. That was all part and parcel of their dynamic. Love, sex, and jealousy. There was the music too of course, but Brian thought that music and love were probably interchangeable in this case. So sometimes Nick stopped speaking to him, because that was Nick and Nick got jealous. Brian hadn't talked to Nick in over a month and he wasn't sure what that meant. It wasn't active silence, because they weren't together. Brian was in Atlanta and Nick was all over the place and so Brian really had no idea if it was simply a coincidence, or if it was perhaps the baby. Perhaps Nick knew what Brian was thinking, what Brian thought was best and yet still couldn't do. "What if it's just me?" Brian asked Howie. "Just you what?" "What if I just stop but the rest of you keep going?" It would be hard, but maybe it could work. "You can't!" Howie said desperately and it was so unlike Howie that Brian pulled the phone away from his ear and looked at it. "Brian." Howie cleared his throat and tried again. Brian could tell that he was shaking his head. "You don't want to do that." "But that doesn't mean that I shouldn't. I have responsibilities that I didn't have then. Things are different." "It doesn't work that way. We don't work that way. Brian, you can't just go back." * * * * * * Brian was starting to think that he did nothing but eat, sleep, and talk on the telephone. He sat at the island in the center of the bright kitchen, pulling apart his toast and staring at the phone. He wasn't sure if Kevin would still go on with it without him. They had always had something of a majority rule within the group, and Brian hadn't talked to AJ, he didn't know how Nick felt, but he had a feeling that what he was going to say wouldn't be popular. Leighanne walked into the kitchen yawning, her hands folded over her stomach. She smiled when she saw Brian and kissed his cheek before opening the refrigerator and pulling out a bottle of water. "You're up early," she said and Brian looked at his watch. She was right, it was only eight, way too early to call Kevin. "Have you been sleeping all right?" "Not really," Brian admitted. "Maybe you should talk to Dr. Phillips. He could prescribe something," Leighanne took a long draught from the water bottle and then dumped a little of it into the hanging plant above the sink. "Maybe," Brian agreed. Leighanne nodded and turned Brian's head, kissing his mouth softly. "I love you," she said, waving as she left the kitchen. Brian grinned and picked up the phone. Time zones be damned, it was now or never and Kevin would just have to deal with being woken up. Brian had been awake for days. The phone rang as he picked it up and Brian nearly dropped it back onto the counter. He gripped it with both hands to keep it from falling and then shook his head and hit the talk button, bringing the receiver to his ear. "Hello?" "Brian!" Nick shouted so that Brian actually had to move the phone away from his ear a little. Nick sounded happy and far away. "Hey!" Brian grinned. "Long time no talk." "Yeah," Nick said, and seemed to have calmed down. "I wasn't sure - how are you?" "I'm great. I'm great. Tell me about the band. Tell me about being all big and solo," Brian said. Brian smiled and ground the pieces of toast between his fingers as Nick filled him in on everything Nick Carter. And when Nick had finished playing catch up, to Brian's surprise he began talking about the baby. "I've been thinking about it," Nick said, and as always he was talking too quickly, "and it's just so weird. I was all 'whoa', you know? And it still is like that. Whoa. But dude. It's also the awesomest - I mean, it's the coolest thing ever, isn't it?" "It is," Brian smiled. "And you know, you can be like, like how you taught me everything I know. Now you get to do it for real." "You can help," Brian said. "Uncle Nick." "Uncle Nick," Nick laughed. "Man, that sounds weird." And Brian thought that maybe it wasn't that Nick had stopped talking to him. Maybe they had both just gotten caught up in life. Maybe Nick had grown up, wouldn't hold a grudge about something that was so important, that had so much love in it, that meant more to Brian than anything had in a long time. Maybe Nick finally understood. "Hey," Nick said when Brian was sure that he was about to say good bye. "I miss you." "I miss you too," Brian said. "Bri," Nick said, softer this time, "I love you." Brian closed his eyes and stopped playing with the toast crumbs. "I just wanted you to know." "I know. I love you too," he said. "Nick. I've gotta go, but I want to hear from you again soon, okay? Not next month. Soon." Nick was laughing on the other end of the line when Brian hung up. He stared at his plate of toast crumbs, listened to the clock tick away the minutes. Brian wasn't sure how long he sat there, how long he stalled. He didn't even hear Leighanne come back into the kitchen until she waved a hand in front of his face, laughed and tousled his hair, and then she was gone again. Brian sighed, watched her go, and began dialing Kevin's number. Next