by Zoicite

AJ dropped onto the couch, promptly folded his arms across his chest and frowned. Sarah watched him for a moment, standing by the television, and then she rolled her eyes and popped the tape into the VCR. "I was flipping stations and it was on and I thought you'd want to see it," she said as she switched the TV to the right station. "I don't," AJ said stubbornly. "Oh, come on," Sarah sighed. AJ huffed a little but didn't move from the sofa. She would just chase him back onto it if he left and eventually in the end she would get her way. There was no point in prolonging the process. He watched as Sarah left the room, wondering where she was off to when she insisted that they rush into the living room and watch the damn tape right then. Typical, AJ thought. He turned back to the television and squinted at an infomercial selling some sort of leather repair kit. He couldn't really see the screen but it looked to him like the thing worked miracles on scratched and torn leather. AJ briefly contemplated purchasing, but pushed the thought out of his mind when Sarah walked back into the room. She stood in front of him and ignored it when he waved his arms for her to move out of his line of vision. Finally he glanced up at her and she smiled and held out his glasses. "Thanks," he said begrudgingly and pushed them up on his nose. Sarah sat beside him on the couch and reached for the remote control. "Hey," AJ protested when the tape started playing. "I was watching that." Sarah ignored him and began scanning through miscellaneous recordings. AJ pretended not to look at the television, instead feigning interest in the light film of dog hair on one spot of the couch, evidence that Tank had once again been sleeping where he wasn't allowed. "Oh, here we go," Sarah said, setting the remote on the coffee table and leaning back beside AJ on the couch. She reached over and turned AJ's chin toward the screen. AJ watched quietly for a few moments and then reached for the controller, but Sarah slapped his hand away. "Who are they?" AJ asked. "I think they're his band." "This is shit," AJ grumbled, crossing his legs so that his knee was sticking into Sarah's space. Sarah rubbed it a little. "Should have been me." Sarah was trying to be soothing, so AJ dropped his leg back to the floor hard enough that the slap of the wood against his heel made him wince. He dug himself deeper into the cushions of the sofa and wallowed. Sarah smiled. "You miss him," she said, moving her hand to his thigh and continuing the soothing motion. "A little," AJ admitted gruffly. * * * * * * AJ never would have guessed when he first met Howie, that Howie would be the one to start it all. Polite, shy, Catholic Howie, who was so much older than AJ but never really seemed it. Howie always seemed innocent even when he wasn't, and AJ never would have predicted. Saying it out loud was all that it took. They'd all known, of course, but Howie had said it. Because they were brothers. Because they were friends. So Howie started it. But it took AJ to get the ball rolling. * * * * * * "AJ, Please," Nick whispered, his lips pressed beneath AJ's ear. AJ knew that he shouldn't have let him into the room, should have told him to go back to Brian. AJ should have guessed that Nick would come. Howie and Kevin were out, Brian was probably on the phone, and Nick's mother was at home with the rest of the brood for the next two weeks. AJ knew that he shouldn't. They never talked about the whys, but there were some things that -for whatever reason - were off limits. Nick was one of those things. "It's not fair," Nick said, his fingers scratching over AJ's clothes and AJ thought about removing Nick's hands, but his own wouldn't move from where they clutched his thighs. It wasn't fair. AJ agreed. Everyone else was free to touch whoever they liked. And they all had. Howie, and Brian, and Kevin. They told Nick the 'I love you's too, they teased Nick with brief kisses, but no one was allowed to touch. It wasn't fair. "AJ," Nick said, trying to sit closer on the bed without actually climbing into AJ's lap. "It really isn't fair," AJ said. Nick nodded and opened his mouth as AJ leaned forward. * * * * * * "Kev," Nick said, rolling his eyes. "I wanted to." AJ laughed a little and tensed for the explosion. Nick's explanation was not going to go over well, and AJ knew who was going to bear the brunt of it. "You're not eighteen," Kevin said, his eyes shut tight. So that's what it's about, AJ thought. Don't corrupt the baby until he's of age. Kiss but don't touch. Definitely don't tell. "I wasn't a virgin or anything," Nick said in his defense. "AJ's only two years older than I am." AJ slapped his hand down hard on the bedside table and stood up, standing close to Kevin. Howie was quiet, but he looked surprised and a little wary, standing by the door. He opened it while there was a lull in the noise and peeked out into the hallway, but he must have been satisfied with what he saw because he quickly shut it again, and walked back into the room. He leaned against the dresser, his hands clasped behind his back as he watched the scene unfold. Brian was sitting beside Nick, rubbing his shoulders, kissing his forehead, glaring at AJ. "What were you planning?" AJ asked. He knocked Kevin's leg with his foot but Kevin didn't open his eyes. "A big orgy come January?" Kevin flinched. "Or did you just want to get there first? That's what it's really about." "Guys," Brian said, and he looked like he would cover Nick's ears if he didn't think that Nick would protest. "It is," AJ pressed. "Isn't it, Kevin." "Shut up," Kevin said. "You don't know the first thing -" but he stopped before finishing the thought. AJ still stood before Kevin but Kevin couldn't look at them. He wouldn't. Not even Howie. "This is stupid," Nick said. "He came to me. He wanted me, and you're jealous. It was good, Kev. It was so good." AJ wasn't even sure what he was trying to reveal, what he wanted from Kevin. He only knew that he was riled and he needed to keep talking. He sounded a bit like he was the jealous one, and a little like a bad porn movie, but he couldn't seem to stop himself. "Shut up," Nick said, frowning. Brian kissed his cheek. "It wasn't fair to him," AJ said. "It wasn't fair to any of us." Kevin was looking at Nick now. "Nick," Kevin said. Nick looked at Brian, and then to Howie, and finally glanced at AJ. AJ held his gaze for seconds and then Nick was up and Kevin stood to meet him. "We didn't really do much," Nick said, letting Kevin wrap him in a hug. "It's not a big deal." "Nick," Kevin said again. * * * * * * AJ sat beside Kevin at the conference table. He tapped his fingers on the wood to the tune in his head and only stopped when Kevin wrapped his hand around AJ's to hold it still. The album was already late and this was at least the sixth time in the last few months that Jive had asked if they meant to deliver at all. AJ had promised Kevin to keep quiet prior to the meeting, and he was good to his word, but not without much difficulty. Jive knew perfectly well why their album wasn't ready. They knew why the album had hardly been started. It made little sense to any of them that Jive was talking monetary punishment when they were in a situation of their own doing. Jive's own doing. Not theirs. They had to make sure they clarified. Brian had baby business to contend with, baby business that hadn't been planned, but that was months ago and they had other unplanned things to worry about. AJ mentally checked himself. It wasn't like he was never responsible for any spur of the moment changes in their schedule after all. But at any rate, Brian was on the other side of the country with baby business, Howie claimed another fundraiser that he had to attend, or perhaps host - AJ couldn't remember - and who knew where the hell Nick was this week, which left Kevin and AJ to deal with the label. Sometimes AJ wished he and Sarah had chosen a different city to settle in. Any city that wasn't also home to Kevin. He loved him of course, that's what it was really all about in the end, but everyone else got to love without having to put in the time, all of the time, and AJ was the one sitting beside him at a conference table keeping his mouth shut. Sabotage, Kevin had said the night before, and the word was spinning in AJ's head as the representative from Jive droned on about agreements and priorities and the fans. As though he had any right to talk about their fans. As though he had any idea. "We'll be in touch," Kevin said, hitting the button on the phone, and AJ looked at him and tried to appear as though he'd been paying attention. Kevin sighed and rubbed a hand up and down AJ's bare arm. "We'll be in touch," he said again. "Kev," AJ started, not quite sure what to say that would tell him what had happened during the call without giving himself away. Kevin leaned over and kissed the corner of AJ's mouth, and only afterward glanced toward the door to make sure that no one was there. "I'll fill you in later," he said, and he smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes. "Thanks for being here. We all should have been here, but thank you." "Anytime," AJ said, standing up and grabbing his sweatshirt off the back of the chair. Kevin kissed him again and then left before AJ, mumbling something about court. AJ pulled a pack of cigarettes from his back pocket, slid out the last cigarette and crumpled the empty box in his hand before tossing it into the waste basket and following Kevin from the room. * * * * * * Brian called AJ late that night and asked if AJ thought that something was missing. AJ didn't think until later that it must have been four or five in the morning in Atlanta. Instead he shrugged, turned down the television, snuffed out his cigarette and made Brian explain. "With us," Brian said. "With the group." "Nick's missing on purpose," AJ pointed out. "A record label that actually has our backs. That's missing." "That's not what I mean," Brian said, his voice quiet. "Hey. It's late," AJ shrugged again and turned down the television further. "Why don't you just tell me what you mean." "We've lost something," Brian said. "There was a connection and it's gone." "It's not gone," AJ said, though he thought that maybe he saw Brian's point. He hadn't even talked to Brian in at least a month. "It's hibernating. Not gone." "AJ," Brian said, and something in his tone had AJ jumping to the conclusion that they were at the end. "You think so?" "I'm tired," Brian whispered. "We could find a connection again, though. We do that. It's gone and then it comes back." He felt like he was grasping at straws. "When we're all together. It'll come back. There's no - there's no intimacy with so many miles, you know?" And AJ had actually been thinking about this. He'd thought about it off and on while he was supposed to be paying attention during AA meetings, while he sat beside Kevin in nondescript offices. As far as AJ knew it had only happened once. Kevin and Nick were off doing something, whatever it was that Kevin and Nick did when they were alone and not fighting. AJ had been worried when Brian walked in on him with Howie. Brian knew what was going on, Brian was a part of it, so of course he did. Brian knew, but for Brian it had to be special. AJ could make love to Howie, he could sleep with Kevin, but he could also fuck them. When AJ wanted to get off, he knew exactly where to go. Brian got off elsewhere, if he did at all then. AJ wasn't sure. Brian had always been in it for the connection. "Oh," Brian had said when he walked in and saw Howie bent over the side of the bed, and AJ was worried, but not enough to stop. Slow down, yes, but not stop. "I can just -" Brian stuttered and pointed to the door. "I'm just gonna -" "Bri," Howie said. AJ hadn't expected it. He'd expected Howie to be red-faced, to recoil, but Howie said it again as AJ thrust against him. "Bri" and Howie reached out his hand for Brian's. When Brian took Howie's hand, when Brian joined them, AJ thought his heart would stop. It was so much and so different and AJ didn't think he'd ever really felt quite that close. It never happened again. At least not when he was involved. And he knew that it had never happened with more than three. AJ wasn't sure why. Perhaps it was too much. Too strong. An overdose. Maybe an overdose was what they needed. They hadn't talked about it since, hadn't talked about it at all actually, and AJ wasn't going to bring it up now, years later. "We'll find it," he said instead, listening to Brian breath on the other end of the line. "Maybe," Brian sighed. "Listen. I've gotta go. I'll talk to you soon." Brian hung up the phone and AJ turned up the volume on the television. * * * * * * Howie came to visit toward the end of the month. He didn't have a place in the city anymore and so he stayed with AJ. They took Sarah shopping, caught up on news (turned out that Howie was hosting the fundraiser), and then went out on the town. Howie took AJ to his favorite club in Hollywood, some joint that a friend of his ran. Howie had friends everywhere that they went, and it wasn't really surprising that AJ had never heard of the guy. When Jake led them to a private back room and handed AJ a condom and a packet of lube before winking and leaving them alone AJ knew that he liked him. "I didn't mean -" Howie stammered and AJ laughed. That wasn't what they were here for, and from what AJ could tell it wasn't even that kind of place. "Your buddy Jake seems to think you do," AJ said. "I don't come here for that," Howie insisted, and AJ nodded. It wasn't like they were exclusive, really. Or they were in the sense that they told each other who they were sleeping with, but it was more that they were careful, not exclusive. And maybe it had been one of the fellas for all AJ knew. Howie was red and embarrassed though so AJ thought perhaps not. He shrugged. It probably wouldn't last much longer anyway. It felt like they were hanging on by threads as it was. Howie tried to change the subject. "Polly's roping me into going to another psychic with her in a few weeks." "Oh yeah?" AJ asked. Howie's sister had a new thing for psychic prediction. AJ wasn't sure if she actually believed it or not, but she'd started going to different psychic's about once a month. They figured she'd stop when one of them said exactly what she wanted to hear. "Yeah. Larry dumped her, so -" "He's going to leave us," AJ said. "He's going to move on." "but she hated Larry. Everyone hated Larry. She was only staying with him because - what?" Howie blinked, his mind still somewhere else, his eyes still making sure to avoid Jake's gifts that AJ had tossed on the table between them. They focused on AJ now as Howie stopped to actually listen to what he'd said. "He's spreading his wings." Howie shook his head. AJ snorted. Always the optimist. "He's going to fly away." "I don't think he can." Next