Recipe for Disaster by zoicite AJ kisses Brian three days after Brian tells them all that he and Leighanne have separated. AJ doesn’t plan it that way, of course, that would be pretty sleazy and possibly manipulative of him. AJ doesn’t really plan it at all. He just kind of does it. It’s sort of the way most things in AJ’s life happen. It’s not like - AJ has no real reason for doing it. It’s stupid really. He supposes that he could technically say that Brian starts the whole thing. Or even Howie if he really wants to stretch it, but in the end he knows it’s all him. See, what happens is, there’s a break in rehearsal and he’s only half paying attention to Brian and Nick being idiots so when he hears Nick say “I’ll give you half of my sandwich if you kiss AJ,” AJ doesn’t even react. He just continues his conversation with Howie about all of the new vocal arrangements they’ve been working on for a week and a half. “There’s still, like, this big gap during the second verse,” Howie says, and then he looks past AJ and adds, “Hey, watch out.” But Howie’s never quick enough and so AJ has no time at all before Brian’s hands are on his shoulders, turning him around in his seat, and then Brian’s lips are pressed against his and AJ’s not sure what does it. The kiss is simple, so it shouldn’t be that. Brian’s kissed him like this before. He’s kissed them all like this before because it’s Nick’s favorite stupid bet and it comes up at least once every few months. If it wasn’t for Nick they’d all be a little less gay. Well, probably not Howie. But the point is that the kiss isn’t special. It’s pretty standard Brian fare, lips pressed together, eyes squeezed shut, dramatically prolonged for show but with very little movement. A typical dare kiss. But when Brian’s fingers stop gripping AJ’s shoulders and Brian pulls away, he seems to think twice about it, then swoops back in for a second short kiss, same deal really, except this time Brian makes a tiny low noise in the back of his throat and AJ feels his stomach tighten and he blinks, a little lost, when Brian finally releases him and turns back to Nick saying, “Hand over the sandwich, Pea Brain.”. “That was weird,” AJ says when Nick runs off with Brian’s sandwich and the two disappear down a hall somewhere. “What?” Howie asks. He’s doesn’t even bother to look up from the stack of papers in front of him. “It seemed pretty normal to me.” “It didn’t feel normal,” AJ says and Howie happens to look up just as AJ presses the back of his hand to his mouth. Howie looks at AJ for a second, squints, and then says, “You’re kidding.” “What?” “Please tell me you’re kidding.” “Dude,” AJ says. Sometimes he hates talking to Howie. “Kidding about what.” “You did not like that.” “What? No. It was just different, man.” “Dude,” Howie says, as though he’s going to say more, but then he just scrubs at his eyes and goes back to talking about vocal arrangements instead. The thing is, Brian’s voice sometimes does that stomach-tightening thing to AJ normally, so maybe even that shouldn’t be surprising, but that’s it, AJ’s pretty sure. That’s what does it. That tiny little content sound. “You’re still thinking about it,” Howie says, and it almost doesn’t register for AJ because it comes in the middle of an entire paragraph about how Kevin just isn’t thinking about Howie’s mental health, which is highly inconsiderate of him. It makes the comment pretty easy for AJ to ignore. Because really, it’s been like two minutes. Hardly enough time for Howie to be freaking out about this. ** Except that now AJ really can’t stop thinking about it. ** So technically. AJ didn’t kiss Brian first. Technically Brian kissed AJ, but that was, in fact, only two days after Brian sat them down and said “Leighanne and I are separating.” Also, it was hardly a kiss. Come on. AJ doesn’t quite understand the circumstances behind the separation. Brian just says things like “It hasn’t been working for a long time” and “We said if things weren’t better by the tour • “ and “We’re still, you know, friendly - it’s just better for everyone.” And when Nick says “But what happened?” his face all screwed up like a kicked puppy even though he never really even got along with Leighanne, Brian just shrugs and says it was a lot of little things and makes an apologetic face and doesn’t look like he wants to talk about it at all anymore. AJ doesn’t quite understand the circumstances, and he kind of can’t believe how together Brian is about the whole thing, and he knows, he really really does know, that under no circumstances should he corner Brian in his living room three days after Brian tells them that he broke up with Leigh and kiss him. Really kiss him, not Nick-dared-me kiss him. It’s a horrible idea. It’s selfish, completely selfish, and AJ deserves whatever is coming to him, but hell, AJ’s never exactly been selfless. It’s just that he can’t stop thinking about it. It’s Howie’s fucking fault. If Howie hadn’t opened his big mouth and started spewing whatever that insanity was, AJ wouldn’t have thought there was even a reason to keep thinking about it. He would be completely over it, moved on to something 15 miles down the thought road. But no, Howie is insane, and now AJ is left wondering why it is that he couldn’t stop thinking about why Howie thinks he can’t stop thinking about it in the first place. He doesn’t know if it was the way Brian’s fingers clutched at his shoulders, or the second kiss that somehow felt just a tiny bit more heated, a little bit more like a real kiss, or that noise • it has to be the noise - that Brian made at the very end. He just knows that he needs to find out. But when there’s a knock on the door and AJ opens it to see Brian standing there on the front step, a bright yellow taxi turning the corner at the end of the block, AJ knows that he’s in no way prepared to find out now. “Brian,” AJ says. “AJ,” Brian says, mimicking AJ’s tone and smiling. He’s been drinking, AJ can tell. The thing is, AJ thinks that maybe if Brian hadn’t gone out with Nick and Howie that night, if he hadn’t decided that he wasn’t tired and wanted to hang out, and AJ spent a few more days constantly thinking about Brian kissing him during a stupid mini-dare and about why he couldn’t stop thinking about thinking about Brian kissing him, maybe he would realize what a horny dumbass he’s being and it would go away. He’d probably completely forget about it and then laugh months later when Brian brought up what a frickin’ weirdo he is. It’s not like Howie. He hasn’t been crushing on Brian for years or anything, nothing that complicated. It’s just one kiss that maybe happened just at the right time and if he just lets it go, Brian’ll go back to being Brian with the really cardboard dare kisses. “Hey,” Brian says, waving a hand in front of AJ’s face. “You gonna let me in, or what?” “What’s going on?” AJ asks and steps aside to let Brian in. “Howie’s fighting with Nick,” Brian says and shrugs. “You know how they are. You wanna watch a movie or something?” Brian licks his lips and stares at AJ, eyebrows raised. “Howie’s got issues,” AJ grumbles and then pushes Brian toward the living room. It happens half an hour later, after an entire fucking episode of Full House (Brian’s choice. Obviously) during which AJ watches very little of the show and instead pretends he’s not watching Brian out of the corner of his eye. Brian is chewing on his lower lip and AJ thinks he does a pretty good job of convincing himself that he’s not wondering what Brian is contemplating hard enough to warrant lip chewing, and he’s absolutely not thinking about things that certain people think he can’t stop thinking about. It’s then, right after Full House ends, that Brian turns to AJ and says “Okay, what’s going on with you?” as though half an hour of Full House is the polite amount of time to wait before diving into the real reason for showing up at AJ’s door in the first place. Maybe it’s exactly the right amount of time. AJ doesn’t know, but Brian’s usually good at knowing these kinds of things. “What?” AJ asks, suddenly very intent on the television. “I’m not • nothing.” “You’re all distracted and quiet and mean to Howie.” “I do not want to watch any more Full House.” AJ says. “Frankly, the Olsen twins freak me out when they’re all tiny like this.” “Yeah, well, they kind of freak me out now when they’re all big and giant eyeball-y too. What’s going on?” “It was different,” AJ says, and then curses under his breath. He never thinks first. Just blurts things out all over the place. “What? You need to talk, man?” AJ rolls his eyes at himself. He should just stop this now, pretend like it’s nothing. He’s not really sure what he should say. There’s ‘Yes, let’s sit down and talk about feelings even though I’ve got no fucking clue what I’m feeling or even thinking, but it’s absolutely something having to do with you. I don’t know what, really, but I’m sure you’ll probably tell me anyway and make me feel like shit about the whole thing on top of that.’ AJ’s starting to think he spends more time talking about feelings than any other guy he’s ever met. Or he could play stupid with the always possible ‘Talk about what?’ like it’s nothing really, hardly a blip on AJ’s radar. Not awkward at all that Brian is here and AJ’s thinking about possibly leaning over and licking Brian’s neck. Or he could just be all ‘Look man, it was just a thing, I’ll get over it. I’m already over it. Let’s just forget about it and play some golf or something, okay?’ which is probably what he really really should say, even though it’s the middle of the night and golf is kind of out of the question at the moment. But for some reason while his brain is doing all this rationalizing and planning, his big fucking mouth comes out with “Yesterday, when Nick dared you to kiss me. It was different and then Howie wouldn’t shut up about it and now I keep thinking about it, and it’s really all Howie’s fault. He’s got issues. I mean, him and Nick and •“ “I think I was wearing Chapstick,” Brian suggests, cutting AJ off. He says it so matter of factly that it’s almost like the entire thing doesn’t surprise Brian at all. AJ’s mouth snaps shut and he waits a second for his brain to catch up and then says “What?” “Chapstick,” Brian says again, this time demonstrating by pointing at his lips. AJ laughs. “It wasn’t the Chapstick.” “Because my lips are chapped,” Brian says. “So maybe they were rough?” AJ shakes his head. “We had that Indian food for dinner a few days ago, maybe -“ Brian pauses to breathe into his hand. “Hm. I don’t know what to tell you.” “It’s nothing,” AJ says. “Let’s just forget about it, maybe play some golf?” “It’s the middle of the night,” Brian says, but it’s immediately followed by an “Okay,” and then the real kicker: “Kiss me now then.” AJ laughs, abrupt and a little higher than he’d like. “Come on,” Brian prods. “I’m serious. I don’t know why it was different, and you’re not going to figure it out unless you kiss me again. It’ll just be - it doesn’t have to, you know, mean anything.” AJ laughs again, because isn’t that the whole problem right there? It’s not supposed to mean anything. And either way, this is a bad bad idea. “I’m not going to kiss you.” “Why not?” “I’m just not.” “AJ.” “You’re drunk.” Brian looks offended. “I had three glasses of wine.” “Well, you’re acting drunk,” AJ insists, and he doesn’t realize he’s edging closer to Brian until Brian grins at him. “I’m not kissing you.” “Fine,” Brian says with a shrug. He turns back to the television. “It’s your loss.” “Yeah, right,” AJ says, and that seems to be the end of it. Except now AJ’s thinking about it. He was thinking about it before too, but that was a kiss that already happened. Now he’s thinking about what the next one might be like. Damn it. AJ shifts uncomfortably on the couch. He sees Brian smile out of the corner of his eye. ”What’s your problem?” AJ grunts. “Dude, you’re afraid to kiss me,” Brian states and then slaps AJ’s knee. “It’s because I’m too sexy, isn’t it. I always suspected as much.” “I hate you.” “It makes a lot of sense now. I mean, I always wondered why Howie hated hugs, but I guess he just hates hugs from me. Because I’m too sexy, see.” “Howie’s just a freak, Brian.” “And Kevin. Kevin ran all the way to Canada to get away from the sexiness of me.” “Now you’re getting gross. And that was like a year ago, man. Kevin’s in California sitting around on his ass. Possibly trying to have babies or something. Gardening his eyebrows. Whatever Kevin does.” “Still on the opposite side of the country,” Brian points out. “I’m pretty sure no one is having any trouble resisting your sexiness.” “Okay,” Brian concedes. “Then kiss me.” “Brian, I don’t want -“ AJ stops short when Brian slouches down on the couch, slides his thumb into one of the belt loops on his jeans, and then just looks up at AJ, all serious, though AJ can tell Brian’s trying hard not to smile. “What’s that supposed to be?” Brian makes a face. “Nick’s better at this.” “If I kiss you will you go home?” “Sure,” Brian concedes and then slouches down on the couch a little bit more. “See, I knew I was just too sexy for you.” “Yeah, right,” AJ says, but he leans in and kisses Brian, and before he even gets close, his stomach gets that dropping feeling and he contemplates bolting right before Brian sits up and moves the last fraction of an inch into the kiss. Brian’s right, his lips are chapped, only this time he’s not wearing Chapstick and the slight scratchiness of the kiss takes AJ by surprise. He opens his mouth to say something, mock a little, but is ten times more surprised when he feels Brian move in closer, feels Brian’s tongue tentatively touch AJ’s lower lip, testing, tasting, and AJ’s completely forgotten what he was going to say at all. AJ’s completely forgotten why this was ever a bad idea. Ever. It doesn’t take much, really. They kiss like that for a while, lazily getting to know each other, slowly letting things heat up, but AJ can only take so much, and when Brian starts making low moaning noises into each kiss, AJ pulls away. “What?” Brian asks, and his eyes are heavy and there’s a curve to the edge of his mouth and he tastes like wine and AJ can’t help but wonder how drunk Brian really is. The right thing to do is to stop right here. Stop, tuck Brian into the bed in the guest room, get him an aspirin and a big glass of water, trudge upstairs alone and completely forget the whole thing ever happened. Denial isn’t so bad. Sure, it’ll be a bit harder now that AJ sees it for what it really is, but damn it, it’s better than losing Brian completely. That would be the smart thing to do. And AJ can almost convince himself as he’s leading Brian down the hall to the largest of the guest bedrooms, he can almost believe that it’s exactly his plan. The best friend role. The selfless pal. The plan flies out the window as soon as AJ sees the bed. As soon as AJ sees Brian on the bed. And when Brian reaches out and grabs the edge of AJ’s t-shirt, pulls AJ down to the mattress with him, AJ’s pretty much done worrying about the things that he should and shouldn’t do. ** AJ wakes up with Brian snoring in his ear. Brian only snores when he’s drunk and AJ knows for a fact that three glasses was a complete lie. AJ also knows for a fact that a sober Brian would have pushed AJ away long before things went as far as they did. And AJ has no drunk excuse to fall back on. Not that • it’s not like Brian won’t remember. AJ’s positive that he knows exactly what happened. AJ just thinks that maybe it would be better if Brian didn’t. He lays there for an hour, touches Brian’s shoulder lightly, rests his cheek on Brian’s head, but Brian doesn’t stir. He thinks about Brian’s hands and Brian’s mouth and God, Brian naked, and then he squeezes his eyes shut and presses his fingers to his eyelids, because fumbling inexperienced hand jobs should not be this much of a turn on unless you’re sixteen. They shouldn’t. The look in Brian’s eyes when AJ finally worked up the courage to press a hand over the button to Brian’s jeans, a little apprehensive, but so turned on, nearly undid AJ right there. As it was, by the time they were both finally naked, by the time they’d worked each other up enough that Brian tentatively slid a hand down between them to wrap around AJ - AJ can’t even think about it now without getting a little embarrassed about how quickly he was finished after that. He shouldn’t be thinking about it at all. It’s the last thing AJ needs to be thinking about. AJ should be thinking about the fact that as soon as Brian wakes up, he’s going to jump out of AJ’s bed, throw on the rest of his clothes, run out of the room like a madman, go to church, and then avoid AJ like the plague for the entire damn tour right after he avoids him for the rest of these damn rehearsals and the break in between the two. AJ thinks that when it comes down to it, this whole thing might even drive Brian right back to Leighanne, see the light or whatever, and in that case, maybe AJ was just helping out a friend in need. AJ’s always kind of wondered when he’d cross that line. Not the making out and fooling around with Brian Littrell line, just the line where Brian finally decides that he’s spent long enough dealing with AJ, the line where Brian throws up his hands, declares AJ a lost cause, and walks away. AJ’s pretty sure that kissing and then engaging in heavy petting three days after Brian tells them all that he and his wife are getting separated is the line AJ shouldn’t have crossed. Brian moves a little, folds into AJ, his fingers curling against AJ’s chest. It takes AJ by surprise and he stiffens a little, and he feels Brian stiffen in response. AJ holds his breath until Brian unwraps himself and looks up at him. “AJ. Hey,” Brian says. AJ removes his fingers from Brian’s shoulder, and Brian looks down as though suddenly aware that they are there in the first place. There and naked. “This is -“ Brian starts, and AJ cuts him off with a mumbled apology. “- awkward.” Brian finishes, sighing and looking away. AJ closes his eyes. He’s just like Howie, he’s just never admitted it. He’s worse than Howie. At least Howie’s admitted that he’s in love with Nick, tried to make things work with Nick, and is only now running away and denying that he wants anything to do with Nick after he found out that the whole relationship thing, which Howie has never been very good at, is a little more difficult than he thought it would be. AJ, though, AJ’s looked up to Brian for so long that he doesn’t even remember when he developed the giant school girl crush on the guy. He doesn’t remember when the crush turned into love. AJ’s just like Howie, just better at denial. And with better taste in men, apparently. “You can punch me,” AJ offers. “If you want.” He thinks it might make him feel better. If Brian punches him. A little less guilty and a little less sleazy and he wears all that eyeliner now so the bruise will be nicely hidden. And the sunglasses. There are always the sunglasses. There have been so many times now that AJ has wished that Brian had just punched him. AJ doesn’t think Brian’s ever punched anyone. Certainly not any of the fellas. “I’m not going to punch you,” Brian says, but he does frown a little and poke AJ’s side. “You probably should.” Brian just shrugs and settles back down, his cheek resting on AJ’s chest. Brian sighs heavily, on purpose, and the breeze tickles AJ’s chest hair. AJ stares at the top of Brian’s head until his neck starts to ache and he’s forced to lay his head back on the pillow. “This is weird,” he says, quietly. “I really want this. But, you know, it’s weird.” Brian turns his head and kisses AJ’s chest. “I mean, you really don’t - you’re not like upset or conflicted or weirded out?“ Brian kisses him again and his fingers move to rest on AJ’s stomach. Brian doesn’t seem upset. He doesn’t seem like he’s planning to snap in the near future at all. “So, I guess it wasn’t the Chapstick, huh?” Brian asks after a few minutes, quietly, his lips moving against AJ’s skin. “Guess not.” “Yesterday I was kind of hoping it was the Chapstick,” Brian admits. AJ closes his eyes. Thinks ‘here it comes.’ The line. “What about today?” “Today I’m glad it wasn’t.” AJ thinks about this for a minute. He thinks about that feeling, the one he sometimes gets when Brian sings, the one he gets when Brian kisses him. He thinks about Leighanne, and he wonders why they didn’t work, and he wonders what could have happened that Brian can walk away and not be freaking out, because he doesn’t seem to be. AJ’s usually pretty good at sensing this stuff, and Brian isn’t just holding it together for Baylee or Nick or AJ. Brian’s a rock, and he isn’t going to punch AJ. He isn’t going to shove him, glare, tell AJ that he’s fucking everything up again. Again. He’s apparently not going to tell AJ that he’s so straight that fooling around with another man is driving him right back to his wife. Instead Brian’s going to tickle AJ’s stomach, his fingers tracing the tattoo there, he’s going to slide his leg over AJ’s and kiss AJ’s shoulder and later he might even kiss AJ’s mouth again, and there’s that feeling, only now AJ’s pretty sure he knows exactly what’s causing it. He knows what’s different, and he still can’t stop thinking about it. “I’m glad too,” AJ agrees. Back/Home/Feedback