by Zoicite

Brian made a list once of all the things that Kevin worried about. The list was three pages long. He gave it to Kevin before a show when they were dressed and ready and waiting. AJ finished getting ready last that particular night, and Howie and Nick were already hounding him for their fifty dollars. The dancers were chanting and Brian pulled Kevin aside and gave him the list. “I don’t worry about Ricky Martin,” Kevin said, brow furrowed, skimming. Number ten on the list was Nick’s love life. “I want him to be happy,” Kevin protested. “I hope for Nick, I don’t worry. I want you all happy.” Brian believed, as they all did, that Howie would be the one to make Nick happy. Brian believed many things and one of those things was that Nick and Howie were meant to be. AJ was superstitious. He picked up change only if it was heads up. He didn’t step on cracks if he could help it. He balked when he saw a black cat, even when the cat was stationary and snoring. He kept a rabbit’s foot in his pocket and a block of wood on the dashboard in his car, so that he didn’t have to keep knocking on his head every time he uttered something that could possibly curse him. “It’s all about luck,” AJ claimed. AJ had a few pearls of wisdom that he’d picked up in the business. He thought that the luck thing was one of the most important. It was right up there with never snorting anything given to him by Snoop Dogg. Other than that, luck prevailed. “You haven’t been so lucky,” Howie said. He didn’t buy the superstition thing. Howie believed that he created his own path. Forged new roads, controlled his own destiny. A heads up penny wouldn’t alter a thing. “All your lucky change and look where you ended up.” “I’m the luckiest of us all,” AJ said solemnly. AJ had believed, ever since the Christmas party two years earlier, that Howie and Nick were headed on a collision course toward love. They hadn’t spent much time together at that party – Nick had brought Mandy. Mandy and Howie didn’t get along. Despite that fact, Howie and Nick had ended up under the mistletoe four times. Howie had tried to run away, but AJ couldn’t let that happen. Skipping a mistletoe kiss, according to AJ, resulted in an entire year of rotten luck. Howie had to do it. For the good of the boys. They all cheered at each of the chaste kisses, and Nick was permanently red by the end of the evening. AJ took it all in. “The signs don’t lie,” he said. Nick was never sure what to believe, and so he believed in Brian. He thought that since he was undecided, it would be best to believe in someone who believed in many things. Brian believed in everything in one way or another. And so Nick trusted Brian above all others. “I think I might be not exactly straight,” Nick said when he was a few months past twenty. He couldn’t tell anyone else. Nick was afraid. Howie was gay, but then Howie never said anything about it, and so Nick could never tell how the others would react. “Not exactly straight as in gay or as in bi?” Brian asked, slipping an arm around Nick’s shoulder. “Um.” The arm was comforting, but Nick stumbled anyway. “Maybe, bi – uh, bi gay?” Nick asked. Brian looked at Nick, smiled and said, “What are you so worried about? Calm down, Frack. This is great.” “Great?” “Sure. You’re learning something. You’re discovering you.” Sometimes Brian was cheesy, but he was almost always right, and Nick didn’t worry about the gay thing much anymore. He did have to hide it, for the group of course, but he was okay with that. Brian told him that he wasn’t hiding it because he was wrong. He was hiding it because the rest of the world was stupid. “Not stupid,” Brian amended. “Misguided.” “You know, it would probably be okay if you did come out,” Brian reasoned, “you know, if you want to. Maybe Howie will come out with you.” Nick shrugged. He didn’t want to be a poster child or some big celebrity advocate. Nick just wanted to be happy. “You think he would?” “No,” Brian said. “Howie will hardly admit he even is.” “Yeah,” Nick said. He didn’t understand then, but he did now. He could tell Brian that he was gay. He could tell them all, but he couldn’t tell Howie what he really wanted. He couldn’t tell any of them that he was in love. Howie liked clubs. He liked them enough to start his own. He liked the music, he liked feeling it in waves through his body. He liked the alcohol, though he was careful with it now, and he liked the sharp cloudy feeling. Sharp and cloudy. It was like being alive. Howie liked the girls. He liked the short skirts, the tight pants, the barely there tops. He liked the gyrating flesh and the soft bodies pushed up against him. He liked dark hair, dark eyes, red lips and ample breasts. Howie liked to dance, but he rarely got too close. He brought Nick out with him. Nick and Kevin, once in a while AJ when he wanted to dance, when he wanted to sweat, rarely Brian. Brian didn’t like crowds. Howie danced with the girls, he danced with the boys, he danced with whoever was closest. When Nick was there, and he usually was, Howie danced with Nick. He sat at the bar with AJ and drank cheap light beer while AJ downed a glass of water and slammed his empty glass down on the bar, wiping the back of his hand across his mouth. They’d danced hard and even AJ was a little out of breath. AJ poked Howie and nodded to where Nick was dancing close to an exotic looking young woman. They were so close, her breasts pressed tight to Nick’s chest, her legs straddling Nick’s thigh. She was tall, taller than Howie probably. “Wow,” Howie said appreciatively. AJ grinned. Howie took Nick out on the town and Kevin called an emergency meeting. Kevin had watched Howie and Nick dance around one another for over a year, and Kevin was ready to tear his hair out. He was pretty sure that Howie was oblivious, and equally sure that Nick was not. He was positive that either way, Nick would do nothing about it. Howie might find a boyfriend, and Nick would be heartbroken. Kevin wasn’t actually sure if Howie had ever had a boyfriend. He assumed that Howie had, but he never introduced them to the guys, so there was no way to be positive. AJ claimed that he’d seen Howie hooking up with a tall blond man in a club once, but when Kevin and AJ interrogated Howie’s bodyguard they were shrugged off. “You can tell us this stuff! Just don’t tell anyone else!” AJ had yelled, frustrated. Kevin had had to pull AJ aside, calm him down, but even calm they didn’t get any info on the possible hookup. Finally Kevin called Kristin, the only person he really trusted when he or one of the boys weren’t sure what to do. Kristin provided Kevin with a direction, a simple one, and Kevin rallied the troops. “I’m worried about Nick and Howie,” he said, locking the hotel room door as soon as AJ had entered. “Surprise!” AJ yelled, throwing his hands up in the air and looking expectantly at Brian. Brian didn’t look surprised. “No, he’s right,” Brian said. “Maybe we should do something.” “I’m not a matchmaker,” AJ frowned. “You’re not making matches,” Kevin said, chewing on his bottom lip. “The match is obvious. We just need to push them a little.” “We could lock them in a room and not let them out until they get it on.” “AJ,” Brian said dismissively. Kevin didn’t want to shove Nick into anything. He just wanted to prod a little. Howie was mostly oblivious and Nick was so indecisive that he probably wouldn’t do anything. Ever. And he’d regret it. Kevin knew he would, and so Kevin thought they should nudge Nick into action. “Just nudge him,” Kevin said. “Convince him to say something to Howie. They can figure out the rest from there.” Kevin looked from AJ to Brian. AJ was nodding, his mission accepted. Brian looked worried. AJ knew that Kevin wasn’t really afraid that Nick would be unhappy. Or he was, of course he was, but Kevin’s worries were more specific. Nick was an adult, he was smart, and he was all right on his own. AJ didn’t think Nick looked out for his own interests nearly enough, but Kevin adamantly supported that Nick was independent. They all knew that Nick would find someone. There was no doubt about that. Kevin was just worried that that someone wouldn’t be good enough. The problem was, very few people were good enough for Kevin. Mandy certainly wasn’t. When one really got down to it, the list of the good enough only included five people. The boys and Kevin’s wife. Brian and AJ were straight. Kevin and Kristin were married and not even the Mormons worked that way. That left Howie. AJ was sure that Nick wanted Howie. They all knew it was only a matter of time. Kevin worried that Nick would miss the window. Kevin planned to ensure that that didn’t happen. Kevin wanted them all happy. Backstage, AJ watched Nick walk beneath one of the roadie’s ladders. “Hey!” he called. “Watch – “ but it was too late. Nick never watched close enough, not when he was watching himself. Brian believed in perfection. He knew it was wrong, that only one being was perfect. He knew all that, he grew up with it. Yet Brian believed in perfection, it was what he thought he wanted. He’d almost gotten engaged. He’d come so close. Brian had the ring, he’d had the love, he’d had the location. Leighanne was wonderful, Brian loved her and they would have been happy. He would have gotten his white picket fence, his children, the rest of his life. Brian took Leighanne out to dinner, candlelight, violins, all perfect. The menu was in French and the food was horrible but the wine was expensive. “Leighanne?” he’d said, reaching into his pocket and slipping his hand around the small box he had hidden there. He’d felt the weight of it in his palm, knew what was inside. Leighanne watched him, her eyes large, questioning. Brian paused. “How about another bottle of wine?” Brian asked. He dropped the box and grinned. “What happened?” AJ asked when Brian returned, the small ring box still hidden safely in his pocket. “She’s perfect, Bri. She loves you. What? You decide her boobs were too big?” Maybe, Brian thought. Maybe. Brian amended his belief a few months later, after he’d broken up with Leighanne. Brian believed in perfection, he did. Leighanne had been perfect. Brian believed in perfection, but he didn’t want it. Brian craved flaws. Howie liked to watch football. He was horrible at sports, always had been, and he had no interest in basketball. Howie loved football. He threw Superbowl parties and Sunday football parties at his home, but he kept them small to make sure he’d be able to hear the game. He always rooted for whichever state was closest to Florida. “You don’t even have a favorite team,” Brian laughed. They all thought it was funny, though Howie wasn’t sure why. “He just likes to host parties,” Kevin said and Howie left them in the kitchen. The commercial break was over. Nick had claimed his spot on the couch early on and had hardly moved since the game began. Nick wasn’t a huge football fan, he mostly watched the superbowl for the commercials, but he liked it well enough and he did have a favorite team. Nick was predictably a Tampa Bay fan. Howie sat beside him, handed Nick the beer he’d retrieved from the kitchen, Corona – Howie’s favorite. Nick took it and grinned. “Football,” AJ said, and shook his head. AJ thought the direct route was best. Kevin was afraid that Nick would miss the window and AJ planned to help prevent that from happening. He pulled on his jacket and sidled up behind Brian and Nick in the dressing room. Nick was poking at Brian’s guitar, creating something that didn’t sound quite like music, and Brian jumped in once in awhile to rearrange Nick’s fingers. “The first step is admitting you have a problem,” AJ said, adjusting his cuffs. “What?” Nick asked. He set down Brian’s guitar and craned his neck to see AJ. “You have a problem,” AJ said, louder, and Brian frowned. “I do not. What are you talking about?” Nick asked. “What’s my problem?” “Unrequited love.” Nick choked a little, red and embarrassed. He cleared his throat and said, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” “We all know,” AJ said. He rolled his shoulders and then clapped, satisfied that his jacket was sitting properly on his frame. “Well, not Howie. And that’s why you need to tell him.” “AJ,” Brian warned. “Nick and I need to get changed.” “I can’t do that,” Nick said. His throat was closed and his voice sounded strangled. “I don’t feel well,” Brian said. He grabbed a glass of water from a nearby table and sipped at it. “You’re fine,” AJ waved Brian away. “Listen. Nick. Nicky. This is the most obvious relationship ever, um… forged?” Brian shrugged. “Forged.” “I can’t just tell him,” Nick squeaked. “You should,” AJ insisted. Nick looked to Brian. Nick rarely listened to AJ without Brian’s approval. If Brian agreed with AJ, Nick would do it. AJ pinched the back of Brian’s arm. They’d discussed this. Brian flinched, spilled some water down his chin, and then smiled at Nick. “Maybe,” Brian shrugged again and wiped his sleeve across his face. “Maybe you should.” Nick looked back and forth between Brian and AJ. He stood from his seat and there was a small metallic jingle as change fell from his pocket and rang against the tiles of the floor. Nick bent and picked up his coins. “Were those heads up?” AJ asked, suddenly nervous. Nick never looked out for his own interests. Nick shrugged and shoved the change back into his shorts. “You really think I should?” AJ thought that Nick should just tell Howie, and AJ would think that because that was AJ’s style. AJ was blunt and straightforward. Brian agreed and Nick usually agreed with Brian, but Nick suspected that Brian’s agreement wasn’t one hundred percent. Nick, as usual, was indecisive, and so he went to Kevin. “What should I do?” Nick asked Kevin. Kevin, as usual, was still getting ready long after the rest of them had changed into costume. Kevin frowned, chewed on his lip, and Nick thought that Kevin didn’t know either. “Well,” Kevin started, but he finished tying his shoe before he continued. “We all love you. And you know that.” Nick nodded. “You should do whatever you think will make you the happiest.” Kevin slapped his hands against his knees and stood. Nick sat down. “So, you think I should tell Howie,” he asked, looking up at Kevin. “Is that what you want to do?” “Kevin,” Nick sighed. Kevin was supposed to help him, and Kevin wasn’t helping. “Nick.” “I’m going to tell him.” “Okay. Good. If that’s what you want.” Kevin grabbed his coat and left. Nick had a feeling he’d been duped. Brian sat on his bed, awake, his legs plunged beneath the blankets, his back propped against the headboard. Brian was worried. “I feel like Kevin,” he said aloud. The empty room was quiet in response. He hummed “Get Down” and tapped his fingers against his knees. Brian was nervous. He was filled with doubt. Brian believed that Nick and Howie were meant to be. It was obvious to them all, they all knew it. Except Howie. And when it came down to it, in this instance, it didn’t matter at all what Brian believed. It only mattered what Howie believed and Howie never talked about it. Howie might not even know. And so Brian sat awake. He picked at his nails. He’d already chewed off all that he could. The phone rang and Brian jumped, his head banging against the wall behind him. “Hello,” he said, leaning over the bedside table. It was one of three people, Brian knew. “I bet that change was tails and he picked it up anyway.” AJ. “You too?” “Yeah.” “I wonder what Kev is doing,” Brian mused. If both AJ and Brian were this nervous, Kevin must be a wreck. “Pacing,” AJ said. “He’s next door. I can hear him.” They were quiet then, listening to one another breath into the phone. Brian picked at the bedspread and then AJ said, “Howie wants Nick, Rok. You think so too, right?” “Of course,” Brian said. Of course he did. They all thought that Howie was gay, but the thought had never even crossed Howie’s mind. He knew he wasn’t exactly the most masculine guy ever. He had nice hair, he had a lot of hair, and he was small and sweet and unthreatening. Howie knew all that. But he wasn’t gay. So what if he didn’t burp or fart for laughs. Nick did, and Nick was very much not straight. Howie liked breasts. And beer. And football. The problem was, he loved Nick. He wanted to love Nick, but he couldn’t just be un-straight when he wasn’t. He didn’t want to sleep with Nick. Howie wanted to love Nick and be his best friend. He wanted Nick to hug him and give him sloppy kisses on the cheek and he wanted to hear Nick laugh when Howie whined and wiped the kisses away. “You’re sure you’re straight?” Brian asked, squinting at Howie. Howie had called AJ. AJ had called Kevin. Kevin must have called Brian, because a minute later the three were knocking on Howie’s door. “I’m positive,” Howie said. “Believe me. I’m positive.” “We really thought you were gay,” Kevin said. “I’m not.” “What about that time –“ AJ started. “This isn’t good,” Kevin mourned, cutting AJ off. He was sitting at the end of Howie’s bed, his head in his hands. “What time? Listen,” Howie sighed. “I’m sorry to disappoint all of you.” “D,” Brian said. “We’re not disappointed. Just surprised.” “And a little disappointed,” Kevin added. “For Nick.” “Damage control,” AJ said. “Damage control,” Kevin agreed. Howie collapsed on his bed as soon as they left. Kevin called Nick every few hours for the first couple days. It was lucky they were off for a week because Nick refused to leave the hotel room. They were supposed to go home, all of them, but they stayed. Even Howie. Kevin called Nick from his cell phone every few hours even though he was only staying two doors down. He didn’t want to intrude, even when Kristin said that he really should. He sent Brian instead. “I’m really worried about Nick,” Kevin told Brian when Brian returned to file the report. “I know,” Brian said. He was biting his fingernails. “Howie’s really straight? Really?” “Nick should never have walked under that ladder,” AJ said, frowning. “I’m going to go see Howie. He’s probably crying or something equally weird.” Kevin nodded and AJ moved toward the door. “Come and check in with me later,” Kevin said. “Will do.” Kevin looked down as AJ was moving to shut the door. He held AJ’s lucky rabbit’s foot between his fingers, the gray fur soft and comforting somehow. A rabbit’s foot on a key chain. There were so many things wrong with it, Kevin thought, but at least it wasn’t green. “Oh, hey,” Kevin called and AJ stuck his head back inside. “You forgot this.” “Dear god,” AJ said, and he rushed back to retrieve it from Kevin’s palm. “Don’t want to leave that. Thanks.” And then AJ was gone. “You think he named that thing?” Brian asked. Brian had spent months worrying about Nick. He hadn’t even realized he was worrying because he’d believed it would work. But then he hadn’t really believed. He’d known he was wrong. Brian was confused. AJ was comforting Howie and Brian hoped he was doing it well, because Brian was sure that Howie needed comfort too. Kevin was worrying and holding up the fort and Brian had Nick. He’d reported back to Kevin and then he’d gotten his things so that he could stay the night. “You want to talk about it?” Brian asked. Nick shrugged the first two times Brian asked, had said, “Howie’s straight,” and that was it. Brian had reported it back to Kevin. Kevin frowned and continued pacing, pulled out his cellphone and called Nick, reminded Nick that they loved him. “I know,” Nick sighed. “I know, Kev. Are you gonna send Bri back over?” Brian went and Brian asked again. “You want to talk about it? You don’t have to, but I’m here if you do.” “I’m just really stupid,” Nick said. “No,” Brian said, climbing into bed behind Nick. “No, you aren’t.” Nick didn’t want to talk about it until three days later. “We went out,” Nick said. “like AJ said we should and we had fun. We went for dinner and then to a bar and Howie kicked my ass at pool.” Brian nodded and held Nick and listened. “I drank a little more than I probably should have, I was nervous, you know? So, um, he kicked my ass at pool and we were both pretty drunk, but I was definitely worse. We came back here and we, uh, knocked on AJ’s door to see if he wanted to hang, but he said he was tired and going to bed. I knew he was lying because he could tell I hadn’t said anything yet. I didn’t want to, it felt funny and not right and AJ glared at me and shut the door, so we went back to Howie’s room.” Brian smiled and watched Nick and listened. “And so I did tell him and he looked all confused, Bri. Like his forehead was all scrunched, you know how he gets? So I kissed him.” Brian held his breath and rubbed Nick’s shoulders and listened. “It was really good at first. He grabbed my arms and held me and he tasted like alcohol, but so did I, and it was nice. But then he got all stiff-like and he pulled away and – he’s straight, Bri. Howie’s straight.” Brian let out his breath and said, “What did he do?” “He was so surprised. He did that stuttering thing and he didn’t really make sense and then he hugged me and said that he loved me and he kept saying ‘Nicky. Nicky,’ but he’s straight.” “What did you do?” “I left. I came back here and I cried a little because I feel really really stupid and Howie called Kevin and then you were here.” “I love you, Frack,” Brian said. “I know,” Nick sighed. Brian nodded and held Nick and leaned in. Howie felt like shit. Like big straight asshole shit. He’d done nothing but worry since Nick kissed him. He’d done nothing but question. He felt like shit. Howie had never thought of Nick as more than a best friend, a brother. He kept repeating it. Never. Howie’d never thought he was anything other than straight. But the others had thought it. All of them. And Nicky thought he was in love. Howie thought that maybe he was wrong. It was four to one, after all, and maybe they were right. It wouldn’t be the first time. He didn’t want to play with Nick, so he snuck out when AJ slipped out. It was eleven, time to report back to Kevin. Howie waited for Kevin’s door to shut, and then he slipped out too. It was sort of ridiculous, sneaking out of hotel rooms at 29. He brought a bodyguard – he wasn’t stupid – but he didn’t tell anyone he was leaving. Howie was nearly positive that he was straight. He was sure. He kissed the tall blonde boy anyway, led him to an empty back room, made sure the door was guarded. “You’re fucking hot,” the boy said. His voice was lower than Nick’s. “You too,” Howie said. He closed his eyes and let the boy touch him. They kissed and Howie kept his eyes squeezed shut, touched the blonde hair and pretended it was Nick, pretended they were on Howie’s sofa and football was on the television in the background. The Buccaneers were playing. “What’s wrong, man?” Nick said, pulling away, and Howie looked up at the TV. The Buccaneers were losing. “Hey. Hey, man, you there?” Nick’s voice was low, like it was when he had a cold. Then it didn’t sound like Nick at all, and Howie opened his eyes. The blond boy was staring, worried, and he smiled when Howie looked at him. “You on something? You aren’t even hard.” “No,” Howie shook his head, then nodded. “Yeah. On something, maybe.” The boy grinned. “Me too, but I think it’s the opposite of what you’re on.” He took Howie’s hand, pressed it to the front of his jeans. Jesus, Howie thought. He’s huge. Howie tried not to pull his hand away. “It’s okay, man. I’ll just have to work harder. I’ll get you off.” Howie nodded. “Hey, do you want that big guy outside to come in? He can join us if you want.” Howie did pull back then. “No, no. Listen. I’m sorry. I’ve gotta go. I shouldn’t be trying –“ “Hey, at least get me off. C’mon, man.” The boy tried to take Howie’s hand, put it back on his erection. “I’m not. I can’t –“ Howie left the club. A dark haired girl brushed up against him, kissed the edge of his mouth, and tried to pull him into the crowd, tried to touch him. The bodyguard nudged her away, and then Howie was out, he was done, and he left. Kevin worried about Brian. Brian, Kevin thought, was a bit of a hypochondriac. Kevin kept the list that Brian made. He scoffed at it in front of the others, threw it haphazardly on his stuff before they went onstage, but when he retreated to his room later that night, he carefully folded the three sheets of notebook paper and slipped them into the bottom of his suitcase. Brian was right. He worried about Nick’s love life, he worried that Brian put too much of himself into his beliefs, and he worried that Ricky Martin’s new album wasn’t going to do well enough on the charts. This week, though, in addition to the Nick situation, Kevin worried that his cousin was a hypochondriac. “Do I feel feverish to you?” Brian asked, coming up to Kevin in the hallway after dinner. He was frowning, the back of his hand held to his cheek. Kevin’s frown mirrored Brian’s own. The last thing he needed was one of them falling ill. He brushed Brian’s hand aside and felt Brian’s forehead. Brian felt cool against his skin. Kevin shrugged. “You seem normal to me.” “Oh,” Brian said, puzzled. “I feel strange. Warm.” “I think you’re okay,” Kevin insisted. Brian did it sometimes when there was an event he didn’t want to attend. Charity functions, industry parties, that kind of thing. Rarely before a show. And never on a week off. “I’d better double check,” Brian said. “Have you seen Howie?” Howie’s hands were always cold. Howie would think that Brian was burning up. “He’s on the phone,” Kevin said. He walked away, chewing on his lower lip, worrying that his cousin was a hypochondriac. Brian believed many things, and one of those things was that he was straight. Brian was sure that he was the straightest of them all. He was secure in himself, and therefore open, affectionate, and confident. Still very straight. Brian hadn’t married Leigh because he wasn’t ready. She was too far ahead of him. He hadn’t wanted to settle down like that. Not yet. Someday, but he was young. He had time. Brian had things to do first. He just wasn’t sure what. Brian hadn’t had a girlfriend since Leighanne. He was lonely. That was it. That was all. That didn’t quite explain why he ached for it to happen again. Nick wasn’t sure what to believe, and when he wasn’t sure, he believed in Brian. But now Brian was confused. He tried not to show Nick the confusion, but Nick could tell, Nick was confused too. Brian and Nick were confused. Kevin was worried and upset. Howie was sad and guilty and AJ felt responsible. As a group, they were a mess. Nick thought he was heartbroken, but maybe not as much as he should be, but then more heartbreak may lay ahead, and so Nick went out. He went out and he got drunk and he kissed a girl and it wasn’t very good. Brian was better. Howie was better for the few seconds before he pulled away. He kissed another, dancing up close, but still, not so good. Nick kissed a boy in the restroom, a tall dark haired boy that came up behind him and set a hand low on Nick’s back. Nick turned and kissed him and it wasn’t that. It wasn’t the boy thing. It wasn’t as good. Nick thought he knew why. It was one of the strangest breaks they’d had. The most eventful by far. Normally when they had a break for more than two days, they took the time and went home. They took the much-deserved time and made sure not to speak to one another until it was time to start back up again. They didn’t go home, and they hardly left the hotel. AJ couldn’t remember the last time he’d stayed in the same hotel for longer than two nights. He spent a lot of time in Kevin’s room, watching. Watching television. He was there when Brian dropped by, chewing on his nails. “I kind of kissed Nick, or something,” Brian said. AJ patted the bed beside him for Brian to sit, but Brian was jittery and started pacing the length of the room instead. “I kissed Nick,” he repeated. AJ actually listened to him the second time. Oh, Good plan, he thought. It didn’t sound like a Brian plan, more like an AJ plan, and so AJ was impressed. “Oh shoot, Rok,” AJ said. “That’s a great idea. Knock some sense into Howie. Make him jealous.” “AJ,” Kevin said, and nudged AJ’s shoulder. AJ knew that tone. He scooted farther away from Kevin. “Shit, Rok. That’s a horrible idea,” he amended. “Stay away from Nick!” It still seemed like a pretty good plan to him. “AJ,” Brian said. AJ shut up and turned back to the television. “What are you doing?” Kevin asked. He was worried, AJ could tell. “I’m not really sure,” Brian admitted. “Hurt him and Kevin will kill you,” AJ said. “And then I will kill you again. And then probably Howie after that.” Kevin nodded. “I think it’ll be okay.” Brian didn’t look too reassured. He stopped pacing and stared out the window for four minutes and thirteen seconds. AJ timed it. Then he turned, shrugged, and said, “Hey, do you guys want to get out of here? Go bowling? I could use a breather.” “No thanks,” Kevin said. “I’m staying in. There’s a documentary on about the Titanic.” “AJ? Challenge. I’ll kick your ass.” AJ continued watching television. “Did you ask Howie?” “You don’t want to?” “I think I feel warm,” AJ said. “I might be coming down with something. I’d better stay here. Let Kevin baby me.” Kevin laughed and Brian felt his own forehead. Nick knocked on the door and grinned when Howie answered. “Hi,” Nick said. “Lemme in.” Howie squinted and then smiled, moved away from the door. “You’re in a good mood.” Nick shrugged and climbed into Howie’s bed, waited for Howie to climb in with him. It was something of a test. Nick needed to know how much had changed. “Do you want to talk?” Howie asked and shut the door. “I’m okay, Howie.” Nick was confused, but okay. Howie nodded. “Me too, I think.” He climbed into bed beside Nick. Nick needed advice. He usually went to Brian, and if not Brian, Kevin. But Brian was the problem, and Kevin was the last person Nick wanted to talk to about it. “Brian kissed me,” Nick said. Howie didn’t say anything for a few moments, but he turned off the television and gave Nick his full attention. “But Brian’s straight.” Nick shrugged. “Apparently not as straight as you are.” “Nicky – “ Nick shrugged again, and then blushed a little, smiled. Brian had kissed him. Nick hadn’t expected it, he hadn’t even been watching. “Are you sure…” “No,” Nick admitted. He knew where Howie was going. “I’m really confused. And I’m probably going to get hurt again.” “I’m sorry.” “I know,” Nick said. “I’m sorry too.” He wanted to tell Howie that he really was okay, that even if the Brian thing was a fluke, a mistake, he was still okay. Because Nick knew he was loved. Howie loved him, even if he couldn’t be in love with him. And Nick thought that maybe he was never in love with Howie either. Maybe he just thought he was. But Howie loved him. So did Kevin and AJ. And Brian loved him. And if it turned out to be a mistake, then Brian still loved him, just like Howie did. And that was enough. Nick wasn’t sure what to do, but he didn’t ask. “Kevin’s not worried,” Howie said after a few moments. “He isn’t?” Kevin was always worried about something. “Doesn’t seem to be.” “Are you sure? Why not? He was freaking.” “It’s weird, right?” Howie let Nick hug him, let Nick wrap himself around Howie’s smaller body, and Nick was grateful. He needed it. It was really weird. “I’m afraid. Confused,” Brian said. AJ snuffed out his cigarette and listened. “Of what?” “That I’ll hurt him.” Brian looked pale. “Kevin will kill you,” AJ said, seriously. Brian nodded. Kevin would kill him. “Just don’t jinx it, man.” AJ trusted Brian not to screw up, but Nick never watched closely enough. Not when he was watching himself. “Besides, it’s Nick. You’re Brian. He’s your best friend. It works. Why would you hurt him?” “I always thought that I was straight. Straighter than you, even. Definitely straighter than Howie.” “Maybe you were wrong.” AJ had known something was up when Brian had decided to break up with Leighanne. He didn’t guess that it might be Nick, but he’d known it was something. No sane man would ever say that he didn’t want to marry Leighanne Wallace because her boobs were too big. “It’s just, I believed –“ Brian believed many things. “But you want him.” “Of course. Or at least, I think so.” “Like naked touchy kiss-y wanting.” Brian grinned and shook his head. “AJ.” AJ nodded. They would be fine. Brian’s hand brushed across his forehead and he frowned. “I hope I don’t have a fever. I don’t want to get Nick sick.” “You don’t have a fever,” AJ smiked. “I might –“ “You’re blushing, Rok. You’re not flushed. It’s different. I got you thinking about naked touchy kissy wanting. I got you thinking about Nick.” They would be fine. “I’m gonna go.” “AJ,” Brian said again. He moved to stand and AJ pushed him back down. “Just don’t jinx it.” AJ tossed his lucky rabbit’s foot in Brian’s lap and left. Nick sat across from Kevin and stared. Kevin wasn’t looking back at him, was reading a book, and Nick did everything he could to get Kevin’s attention. He tapped his fingers on the table, tilted the book to read the title, hummed, and still Kevin read on. Finally, Nick grabbed Kevin’s hand. “You haven’t chewed off your nails. Your lips aren’t chapped. You didn’t wear a hole into the floor from pacing. Howie told me but I didn’t believe him. What’s going on?” Nick had thought that Kevin would be something of a wreck. The rest of them certainly were. “What?” Kevin asked. He raised his eyebrows and tried to look innocent, but Nick didn’t think that was possible. Not with that face. “Why aren’t you worried? Even Brian is worried. I’m worried.” “There’s nothing to worry about.” Kevin reclaimed his hand and tried to find the page he was on. “What? There’s everything to worry about! Worry about me! What if Brian’s straight and it was all a mistake? What then? Will you kiss me then? Is that your big plan?” “Brian’s not straight.” Kevin set the book down. He folded his arms over his chest and crossed his legs. “Oh, right, okay. Of course not. He only thought he was for like twenty – his whole life.” Nick threw up his hands and then slapped them on the table. “Twenty five.” Nick rolled his eyes and waved his hands. “That’s what I said. You know something I don’t.” “Maybe.” “Well, tell me!” Kevin smirked. “I think you can figure this one out on your own.” Nick sighed. He had a lot of thinking to do. Kevin had been up all night. As a result, he was exhausted, but not particularly worried. Not worried about Nick. Kevin still worried about Ricky Martin, of course he did. And he worried a little about Howie’s insistence to being straight, but he could let that go for the time being. It was a problem for later. Kevin had been thinking, reminiscing, and that always led Kevin to Europe. They were young, overworked, and happy. There were no lawsuits or rivals formed intentionally behind their backs. Not that they knew about. Not yet. They were young and happy and Brian and Nick were best friends and Jane Carter was always there. They didn’t listen much to Jane. She tried to mother them, but she was overbearing. She was a stage mom, and Kevin made sure to send anyone that needed mothering to Denise. He made sure to mother Nick. But Jane worried. “Brian and Nick are close, aren’t they?” She asked Kevin soon after she purposely positioned herself beside him for dinner. “Sure,” Kevin shrugged. “They’re best friends. We’re all close.” “Yes, of course you are, but. Listen. Is your cousin gay? Because Nick thinks he might be and they are so close. Brian is so much older than my Nick and I don’t think –“ “I don’t think you need to worry, Jane.” He’d left it at that. He didn’t think Brian was gay, and he hadn’t thought that Nick was until Jane said something, which hadn’t really been her place. Nonetheless, Kevin had watched for awhile after that and thought maybe. Maybe. They slept in the same bed when Nick was scared. They sat together on airplanes. They touched. A lot. But it was all typical friend stuff as far as Kevin could tell. Until he caught Brian watching Nick sleep. Nick was out, his mouth open, the back of his hand pressed against his cheek. And Brian watched, touched Nick’s hair, positioned his wrist for maximum comfort. It was all very caring and innocent. It was all very obvious. “What’s up Bri?” Kevin asked, and Brian jumped, pulled his hand away as though he’d been burned. Kevin smiled. “What? Nothing. Nick’s sick.” They all had colds. Nick and Brian just made a bigger deal out of them. Kevin left them alone after that. And eventually he forgot about it. They were busy and Jane didn’t travel with them anymore. They were busy and Kevin was wrapped up with Kristin. And there was Leighanne and there was Mandy and it was only Howie that swung that way, except for when AJ occasionally did. Except for that one time that AJ swung with Kevin. But other than that, Kevin didn’t think about it at all. Then Nick came out and it was only then that Kevin remembered that he’d already known, that he’d known for years. And Brian couldn’t keep anyone around because he thought he wanted perfection. He thought he ‘believed’ in it. Kevin had always thought that was a load of crap. Nick and Howie were supposed to be together but suddenly Howie was inexplicably straight. What a fucking mess. Except here comes Brian. Jumping in and kissing Nick and then freaking out and talking nonstop about it. Asking and worrying and thinking he’s ill. And it made sense. All of it. And Kevin didn’t have to worry about them. They’d fallen in love in Europe. Howie went out dancing with AJ. It was all a little weird, Kevin and AJ were talking as though Nick and Brian were already together, but nobody had said anything to him, and it didn’t seem that way, and so Howie treaded lightly. He never would have guessed that Brian and Nick would end up together. Not like that. He never would have guessed it, but now that he saw it it made sense, and so he hoped. AJ nudged him, bumping Howie’s arm into a salt shaker on the bar. The salt tipped and dumped onto the counter, the small white cubes fanned out. “Lookit them,” AJ said, and pointed. AJ was rarely discreet. Howie looked. It was a couple dancing suggestively, just as it always was when AJ pointed them out. The woman was tall and thin, taller than Howie, definitely. Probably 5’8”. She had large breasts, it was the first thing Howie noticed, but he liked to pretend it wasn’t, and he looked away, looked up to her face. She was angular, bordering on harsh. Her smile was wide, and when she turned her head, Howie blinked. “She’s pretty,” he said, turning back to AJ. “You’re really looking at her?” AJ asked and Howie laughed. He looked again and saw that the man was tall, built, and handsome. His gaze flicked back to the woman. She was still smiling and she reached up with a slim hand, brushed her bangs out of her eyes. “She looks like Leigh,” Howie said. He couldn’t turn away now. She looked a lot like Leighanne. “She’s a brunette,” AJ said, dismissively. He was scanning the room again. “She looks like Leighanne would if she stopped bleaching her hair,” Howie insisted. “Shit, AJ, I think that is Leigh.” “It’s not her,” AJ looked at the woman and squinted. Howie drew designs in the salt with his fingertip. “Jesus,” AJ said. “I think you’re right, D.” Howie pinched some of the salt from the pile and tossed it over his shoulder. He stood and headed toward the dance floor. “So what was that?” Brian asked after three hours of avoidance through video games. Nick set down his controller. Brian followed suit. He’d brought it up and now he had to follow through. Nick shrugged. “It wasn’t me.” “I know, but. I’m confused.” “Okay,” Nick said. “That’s okay. You want me to go?” “No. Don’t go. That’s okay?” Did Nick even want him at all? “Sure. I understand, and I kind of knew you would say that. You just felt bad. It’s okay, Brian.” “What?” Brian wasn’t following. He reached his hand into his pocket and felt AJ’s lucky rabbit’s foot, safe there, hidden. “You knew I was going to say what?” Nick was frowning then. “That it was a mistake. That you didn’t mean it.” Nick shrugged. “Have you noticed that Kevin’s been acting funny?” “Didn’t mean it? Of course I meant it.” “Well yeah, you felt bad, y’know. I understand. But Howie and I are okay. I don’t think I ever really wanted him that way anyway. I think I just thought I did. You all thought I did.” Brian had never been more confused. He didn’t know what to believe. “Nick –“ “It’s like - What’s the difference between being happy and believing that you are?” “It feels different,” Brian said. He couldn’t even guess where this was going. “But it’s better that you believed you were, isn’t it? If you believe it, something like that about yourself, then it’s as good as being true, right? You believed you were happy and so you were and it wasn’t until you were even happier that you realized maybe you weren’t before. But you lived that part as though you were because you believed it.” Brian shrugged. It sounded flawed. But it didn’t really have much to do with the situation at hand. “I was never satisfied,” Nick continued. “I never really believed that I was happy, and so I wasn’t. I couldn’t convince myself and I let everyone else tell me what I needed to do to get me there.” “You let us guide you and we sent you in the wrong direction.” “Maybe,” Nick said. “But it ended up all right. I thought that all I had to do was convince myself that I was happy, but I couldn’t and I listened to AJ at the Christmas party and I listened to Kevin talk about what he thought Howie wanted and I listened to you. And all of you told me what I wanted and even I thought it was Howie. But maybe it wasn’t. Maybe I needed everyone to stop guiding me. I needed you to stop believing for me, and I needed AJ to stop watching out for me and I needed Kevin to stop pushing, to stop worrying. I needed to start believing things myself.” “But, you’re wrong Nick.” “So anyway,” Nick continued as though Brian hadn’t spoken, “I was never in love with Howie, you all just made me believe I was. Or you know, like a brother, of course I love him, but you know. And it’s okay that you didn’t mean it. Like that.” “Can I talk for a minute?” Brian stared at Nick. “Please?” “Sure.” “I meant it, Nick. I wouldn’t just – No. Nick. Jesus. I’m not even sure if I should say this anymore, but. I love you. And I’m still confused, but not about that. I love you.” Brian gripped the rabbit’s foot. “Well, yeah, I love you too, dork. That’s what I’m saying. It’s okay, because I know that.” Brian let go of the rabbit’s foot and pinched Nick’s arm. “No. I love you. Like it wasn’t a mistake at all and I really really meant it love. Like I’m going to do it again as soon as you give me the chance love. “Brian.” Sometimes Nick could be more stubborn than even he was. “I’m going to do it again.” Brian leaned in. “Brian?” Howie looked back to AJ and Kevin for support. They hadn’t seen much of Brian and Nick lately, but the week was almost up, and they had to get back on the tour schedule, so it was understandable. Brian had his chin hooked over Nick’s shoulder and was breathing on Nick’s neck as Nick tried to leaf through a sports magazine. Nick kept giggling and trying to turn his head to knock Brian off, but Brian was persisting. “Yeah?” he asked, not moving from Nick’s shoulder. “What would you say if, um, if I was to tell you that I’m thinking about dating your ex?” “Which ex?” Nick asked. Brian did move then, sitting up in his seat. Kevin claimed that there was nothing to worry about and AJ praised Leighanne’s breasts to the point where Howie wanted to smack him, but he just laughed and told him to shut up instead. And Howie had to tell Brian. “Leighanne,” he said. “You want to date Leigh?” Brian didn’t look like he was going to kill Howie. Not yet. He just looked surprised. “Well, AJ and I saw her in this club and we started talking and – you know, she’s great, Bri, and –“ “Sure,” Brian said. “Go for it.” “Weird,” Nick added and scrunched up his face at Howie. Brian shrugged and leaned back into Nick and they returned to their bizarre magazine mating ritual. It was easier than Howie had guessed it would be. “It’s kinda funny,” AJ said later while Howie was getting ready for his date. “It’s like role reversal.” Howie chuckled. “In a way, I guess. We’ve all been kind of weird. Well, except for me. And you.” AJ raised his eyebrows. “I gave Steve away. That’s not normal.” “Steve?” “My rabbit’s foot. And you’re straight and sleeping with Brian’s leftovers.” AJ shoved Howie from his spot before the closet and started sifting through Howie’s clothes. “Geez, AJ,” Howie groaned. “Come on, man. Okay, we’re fucked up too. And Kevin’s the least stressed I’ve seen him in years.” “Maybe he’s getting laid,” AJ suggested, throwing an outfit onto the nearby bed. Howie eyed it and started pulling on the clothes he’d chosen himself. He had a feeling he knew what Leighanne liked. And it wasn’t glitter. “Is Kristin here? I haven’t seen her,” he said, muffled inside his shirt. “No. Maybe he’s getting laid. Here, put these on.” AJ shoved a pair of pants into Howie’s arms. “AJ.” “What? She knows. They’re nice pants” “That doesn’t mean I want to.” Howie dropped the pants back into his suitcase. AJ grunted in disapproval, but he gave up on trying to dress Howie and spread out across the bed instead. “Maybe you should borrow Steve from Brian. Hey, you’re the only one that hasn’t been laid by a Backstreet Boy, D.” “Jesus.” This was not the pep talk Howie needed before a date. “You know, if you ever want to change that.” AJ lifted up his shirt and swiveled his hips against the mattress in a move Howie had seen five thousand times and was very not impressed with anymore. Or ever, really. “AJ.” “You never know. Have you ever tried?” “AJ,” he said again. Howie had tried. The Buccaneers lost. “Right,” AJ sighed, not bothering to pull his shirt back down. “Straight. Beer, bars, boobs. Got it.” Back/Home/Feedback