by Zoicite

Brian opened the refrigerator and squinted in the light. He’d found his way by memory, and the slight green glow cast from the clock on the microwave that told him it was nearly two in the morning. Two o’clock and he was standing barefoot in the kitchen holding a tub of cream cheese. Just a few months, Brian thought, and reached for the ham. A few more months and there would be no more cream cheese in the middle of the night. Instead he’d have baby cries waking him up. He couldn’t wait. He left the refrigerator open for the light and unscrewed the jar of pickles. “There’s no way this tastes good,” he said to the empty kitchen. The buzz of the refrigerator was the only answer, but he thought he could faintly hear the television on low upstairs. It sounded like screams - the good kind. Brian spread cream cheese on a slice of ham and strained to hear the television. It always surprised him when he started to crave them again. It always came sooner than he expected and he didn’t notice it was back until he’d spent all afternoon with MTV on in the background. He grimaced as he pulled the pickles from the jar, licked the juice off his fingers, and arranged them in a neat row on the bed of cream cheese. Brian rolled the concoction and held it closed with two fingers as he reached back into the cupboard for a plate. The ceramic dishes knocking into one another woke Tyke and he started barking, high pitched little yips. Brian heard Leighanne then. She wasn’t yelling, but Tyke was quiet immediately and Brian arranged the strange pink roll in the center of the plate before setting down another slice of ham and starting over again. He cut the rolls into slices, and after a moment’s hesitation closed his eyes and ate one. The cream cheese was sticky on his tongue and the pickle hit the back of his throat fast. “Egh,” he choked and rushed to the kitchen sink, spit the offensive snack into the garbage disposal. Even with it out of his mouth he gagged and finally had to stick his open mouth beneath the faucet, gargle water to wash it out. “Gross,” Brian breathed finally, wiping his hands on his boxers. He stood there for a minute, staring out the dark window above the sink. The light from the refrigerator was bright enough that he couldn’t see out and so he leaned over the sink, pressed his face close to the glass and covered the sides with his hands. It was still too bright and he padded across the tiles to the patio door, unbolted it and pulled the door open. The backyard was quiet, the trees still, and the only noise came from the pool filter. It was supposed to storm, but it sounded so quiet that Brian guessed the forecast must be wrong. “Brian?” Leighanne called, and Brian jumped a little. “Are you outside?” He slipped back into the kitchen and re-bolted the door. “Coming,” he called back, grabbing the plate from the table. He kicked the fridge shut and started upstairs, guided by the flash of the television. “Here you go, honey. Your really nasty pickle things,” Brian announced as he rounded the corner into the master bedroom, presenting Leighanne with the arranged plate. Leighanne smiled. “Thank you. You remembered the cream cheese, right?” she asked, taking the plate and setting it on her round stomach. Brian nodded and climbed into the bed beside his wife. Even in the flickering light of the television she glowed. She’d been more beautiful the past few months than Brian had ever seen her. He brushed her hair off her forehead and kissed her cheek. “What are you watching?” Leighanne shrugged and popped a wrapped pickle slice into her mouth. “Some Lifetime movie of the week. An actress with a psychotic fan after her.” She closed her eyes and then turned to Brian smiling. “These are perfect.” Brian fell asleep before the actress outsmarted the fan. Brian was a family man. A Howard Johnsons, Sears and Roebuck, second mortgage kind of family man. He always had been, he’d always known. His life was just starting and he couldn’t help but smile as he watched his wife decorate one of the spare bedrooms, slowly turning it into a nursery fit for their baby boy. Tyke and Litty scampered around her feet, yipping and snapping playfully at one another. The sun shown brightly through the large windows, and Brian sighed happily from the rocking chair in the corner. The chair he planned to spend a lot of time in, singing the lullabies he was writing for his son. He’d gotten a computer when they moved to Atlanta. Despite the amount of video games he’d played, his typing skills left much to be desired, and so he’d taken a typing class, and he started surfing the internet. He knew what everyone said. They said he’d end it after the wedding, they said it when his dogs were stolen, they said it whenever he had an off day. Everyone thought that Brian would choose Leighanne over Backstreet. Leighanne was pregnant and some of them still speculated, because surely Brian would want it to be over now, but most of the gossipmongers had already moved onto Nick. Now they all thought that Nick would end the Backstreet Boys. They thought Nick would walk away and just never come back. No one thought that it wouldn’t end. It worried Brian on the days that he forgot that they were all attached by invisible threads of elastic. They wandered too far and they couldn’t help but bounce back. Or perhaps it was Rolling Stone’s ‘Backstreet Bubble’, and they were all trapped inside. When they tried to up and leave, they hit a wall. Or maybe they didn’t want to. Maybe they just loved each other more than that. Whatever the case, Brian wasn’t going to leave them. He wasn’t going to end it. Not for Leighanne, not for a son. He could have both and he wanted both. But that didn’t mean that he didn’t need a break once in awhile. He’d devoted the last year to the boys, and this year it happened to be Leighanne, his other family. Sitting in his son’s rocking chair, he knew that he deserved it. They all did. It tore him up to be on the road without Leighanne, but he was never prepared for how much he’d miss them when they were gone. As Leighanne’s belly grew, her sex drive diminished. “I’m sorry,” she apologized. “I just don’t feel sexy.” “You’re sexier than you’ve ever been, baby,” Brian said, but it never worked. He jerked off in the bathroom a lot, and Leighanne probably knew because he didn’t usually shut the door, but there wasn’t much else he could do. He loved her, and it wasn’t that bad. He was used to it from touring. She couldn’t always be there. Leighanne rolled over to face Brian, and Brian slipped his hand beneath her shirt to rest on her stomach. “You know how couples have exceptions?” she asked. Brian stared at her for a few minutes, not sure what she was talking about. He jumped when the baby kicked against his palm. “Oh!” he said, and they both laughed. “You mean like how your mother is allowed to sleep with Jon Bon Jovi and keeps asking me to introduce them even though I don’t know him?” “Yeah, you know, silly stuff like that. You want to make lists?” “Sure, as long as you don’t talk about it as much as she does. Who do you want on your list – and let me just say right now that if this guy gets some before I do, I’ll be a very unhappy husband.” “Aw, baby,” Leighanne said and nuzzled Brian’s cheek. “I want Ralph Fiennes. And Harrison Ford.” Brian laughed. “What were you thinking marrying a younger man?” “And Angelina Jolie.” “Angelina Jolie?” Brian didn’t even try to hide his surprise. “She kisses her brother and wears blood around her neck.” Leighanne shrugged. “Yeah, but I bet she’d be really great in bed.” “Oh, man,” Brian said, and shook his head. “The things that come out of my wife’s mouth. This is not the woman I married.” “Oh,” Leighanne growled and snipped at Brian’s nose. “Stop being silly. It’s your turn.” Brian thought about it. Five years ago his answer would have been Pamela Anderson, hands down, but Leighanne was ten times prettier than Pam Anderson was. And he’d been so sexually deprived of late that all he could think about was getting down his wife’s pants, and so he chose the noble gentlemanly answer. “I can’t think of anyone that I’d want other than you,” he said, and smiled winningly. Leighanne slapped him. “Come on. Don’t pull that.” “Really, I just want to have sex with my wife. A lot.” “I’m going to make your list for you,” she warned. Brian shrugged, batted his eyelashes, and prepared for her to say Betty White or someone equivalent. “Fine,” she said. “You’re allowed to sleep with the Backstreet Boys.” Brian’s mouth dropped open and then he narrowed his eyes in mock anger. “What? You get Ralph Fiennes and I get Howie.” Leighanne shrugged. “Howie’s cute. Kind of gay, but cute.” They had a pact. Leighanne gave birth, and Brian cooked and did the chores. It was a pretty good tradeoff, and Brian couldn’t believe how domestic he’d become. And he liked it, except when it came to vacuuming. The vacuum was out to kill him. But not if Brian got there first. He opened the closet in the back hallway and stared at the evil machine, his chest puffed out, his eyes narrowed. It helped to intimidate the demon from the start, he’d learned. It had taken him awhile. First he’d avoided it all together and tried to convince Leighanne that replacing all of the carpets with hard wood floors would be a great idea. And esthetically pleasing too. But Leigh had unnaturally cold feet and would carpet the kitchen if she could and so Brian lost. He continued with the avoidance as much as possible, which was quite a lot, because luckily their carpets were cream and stayed relatively clean. Leighanne laughed and then yelled at him when he came home with baby gates to close off the living room and the front stairs to dirty dog paws. “I’m not going to climb over those with this belly every time I want to go in there,” she reasoned. “Maybe we should just stay out all together. There isn’t even a TV in there,” Brian said, but he shoved the gates in the basement and went to get the vacuum. It started out all right. Brian was generally able to finish half of the living room before the vacuum cleaner took matters into its own hands. Brian knew it was plotting as soon as it refused to suck up a leaf that had fallen from the large hanging plant over the end table. The vacuum chopped the dried leaf into small green flakes, but even then left them on the carpet. Brian assumed it was full and he turned the machine off with his toe. He’d replaced a vacuum bag once before, and he was pretty sure that he had a good handle on the process, but when he went to pull the bag out, it ripped and dust ballooned out in a mini mushroom cloud. “I was thinking that maybe we should just hire someone to come and do our cleaning. A once a week kind of thing,” Brian suggested when Leighanne was drawn downstairs by his sneezing fit. She held a magazine in one hand as she stared wide eyed at the mess. “That’s what most normal people do, you know. Even Kevin hires someone.” “But we’re always here,” Leighanne said, reasonably. She rolled up the magazine and swatted Brian on the back of the head. Dust flew up from Brian’s hair and he laughed, sneezed, and grabbed the magazine from his wife, glanced at the cover. “Oh,” he said to the picture of Ralph Fiennes staring back at him. “I see how it is! I’m starting to think I should be jealous!” Leighanne snatched the magazine back and hit him again. Brian let Nick kiss him once in Europe. He’d never really done that kind of thing before, had only thought about it maybe once, though not ever with Nick. He had his brother teach him to kiss on pillows and his own palm, but Nick had met a German girl and he was afraid he’d make a fool out of himself so Brian let Nick kiss him. It was funny, Brian thought years later, that he’d only ever kissed blondes. Nick’s kiss was tentative and sweet and when Nick pulled away, Brian was able to assure Nick that he had nothing to worry about. Nick had licked his lips, stared at Brian’s mouth, and when he didn’t say anything, Brian started to worry. “I think I maybe need more practice,” Nick said finally, and leaned in again. Brian laughed and pushed Nick away with a gentle hand against his chest. “I think you should save it for your girlfriend,” Brian smiled. A few months passed before Nick kissed him again. Brian’s own girlfriend back in the States had just written a week earlier, told him it wasn’t working. He was never there and she was sick of waiting. Kevin and Howie had gone off without them, gone to a bar or a club or whatever they did when they wanted to get away from the boys and be men, and AJ had invited Nick and Brian to his room for movies and room service. They didn’t actually have room service at the hotel they were staying at, but there was a McDonald’s on the corner, and that probably tasted better anyway. Brian was quiet through the movie as AJ chattered away, complaining about the lack of action. Brian had been down since the mail had arrived, and halfway through the film, Nick kissed him. They weren’t sexual kisses, not even the first experimental one. Brian had always thought of them as best friend kisses. Not normal best friend behavior, surely. Nick wanted Brian to feel better, and so he showed his love for his friend the only way he could think to, he kissed him. The second kiss didn’t last long. AJ predictably freaked out a little, surprised, mostly, and then jealous, and he only calmed down when Nick promised to kiss him too. Innocent kisses and they’d fallen asleep there, tangled together with the television on. Brian plucked the photograph from the mantle and rubbed the glass on the bottom of his t-shirt to remove the dust. It was taken the day after the second and last kiss. Kevin and Howie looked tired and hung over, but the rest of them were happy and bright. Nick had his arm slung over Brian’s shoulder, his cheek pressed to Brian’s forehead, and Brian could tell that AJ’s eyes were shining with laughter behind the dark sunglasses. They were all so young. It all seemed so easy then. Brian was like a battery drained by the end of the tour. He was running so close to empty. He didn’t even start to recharge until the album was put on hold, until he had absolutely nothing to do but prepare for a baby. The baby wasn’t there yet, but already Brian felt full. Full and yet headed towards empty. He itched for something, and he didn’t think it was the stage, though he spent most of the afternoon watching TRL. He itched for them. “They don’t even call!” Leighanne exclaimed periodically. “We’re on a break,” Brian said. “It’s sort of the point.” Brian didn’t think he’d ever met anyone, other than Leighanne, that was good at keeping in touch. He certainly wasn’t. It wasn’t so much out of sight out of mind, because that implied that he didn’t care. It wasn’t that. He thought about them, but they kept their distance. Leighanne didn’t understand it. She’d always been good at keeping up with people. She had to be to keep up with Brian. And so she couldn’t understand why Brian would be okay not hearing from AJ for a month. “Just pick up a phone,” she moaned. “Don’t whine at me.” Brian hated phone tag. He hated leaving messages to voice mail or on answering machines. None of his boys were ever home and no one ever answered their cellphones and finally Brian just gave up. It didn’t help that the guys made fun of his stilted messages. “Hi,” Nick said in an exaggerated southern accent. “This is B-rok. It’s 5:27pm on Tuesday. I was just calling to say that I watched Charles in Charge this afternoon. Give me a call. All right, sir. Over and Out.” AJ and Howie started laughing at the sir part. “It’s polite!” Brian insisted. “My mom brought me up right!” “You sound like a drill sergeant,” AJ laughed. “And it’s really not necessary to repeat the day and time. The answering machine does that for you,” Kevin added. Nick was by far the hardest to keep up with this time around. Kevin was easy. Kevin actually read his e-mail. Brian sometimes got quick responses from Nick though e-mail, but Brian wasn’t even sure where Nick was this week. Apparently not near a computer. Kevin wrote and called once in awhile and Brian heard news from his mother as well. AJ was pretty static – just taking down time as, well, down time. Howie always bounced all over the place, but at least he answered his cell phone. Except when he was on another call, which was almost always. Nick usually went into hiding. Instead he was back and forth across the world. Brian tried to keep up, but he kept missing things and finally Leighanne found his schedule on a fan site and taped it to the bathroom mirror. Brian checked it in the morning before he took the dogs out for a romp in the backyard and made sure to set the VCR. He didn’t get to talk to Nick much but he had two tapes filled with Nick’s television appearances. “Oh look,” Leighanne said, leaning over the back of the couch. “Nicky’s on TV. Should I be the jealous one now?” Her hand snaked down Brian’s shoulder to the front of his shorts. “Oh,” she said, surprised, right in his ear. “Maybe I should be.” Brian reached back and flicked her nose. “I’m so deprived that all it took was you walking into the room,” he said. “Please don’t. Unless – “ Leighanne pulled away and came around the couch. Brian sighed. He’d have to make a trip to the bathroom soon. “Brian,” she said, sitting close. His hand went to rest on her stomach. It was automatic, and she smiled. “I’m sorry, baby.” “A few more months, right?” he said. “We’ll be parents.” She leaned into him carefully and kissed the corner of his mouth. Her hand moved back to the front of his shorts. “Oh,” he breathed when she unbuttoned them and slid down the zipper. “Please.” She kissed his neck beneath his ear and Brian shivered. Nick was laughing on the television, showing off his leather jewelry, but when Leighanne reached for the remote, went to turn it off, Brian stopped her. “I want to hear what he says.” Brian’s hand rubbed his own thigh, slipped over Leighanne’s smaller fingers wrapped around him. “No, we’re still together,” Nick said on the television. He was practically lying in the guest chair, his thighs spread. Don’t slouch, Brian thought. Leighanne’s other hand slipped into Brian’s lap, palmed his balls, and it felt so good to have someone touch him, to have Leigh touch him. Brian watched Nick laugh with the host, his eyes crinkled into half moons. Leighanne sped up and then Brian felt her teeth nip lightly at his ear. “Oh, love you,” he said. He closed his eyes and came. “Be right back, sweetie,” Leighanne whispered. She heaved herself off the couch and disappeared into the kitchen. Brian tucked himself into his pants and focused on the television. Nick was getting ready to perform with his new band that Brian had never even met. Nick grabbed the microphone with both hands and closed his eyes as the music started. Leighanne returned then, wiping her hands on the back of her skirt. “Nick looks really good,” she said conversationally. “He does,” Brian agreed. He didn’t think he’d seen Nick so happy since they were touring around Europe. It freaked him out a little. “I miss them,” Brian said. “Oh, sweetie.” Leighanne said, though she never understood. She rested her head on Brian’s shoulder and they watched Nick together. Brian sat beside Leighanne in church and tried to pay attention to the service. They came most Sundays and since the break had begun, it was probably more than Brian had been able to attend in the past ten years. That morning, though, his heart wasn’t in it. He tried to pay attention but his mind kept drifting. Six years after a few innocent kisses and AJ was the first to blow up over the solo thing. Jive had approached Nick and then Nick approached them. It wasn’t completely unexpected, but almost. They’d known that Nick was fooling around in the studio, writing songs, but he assured them that he was only messing around. They hadn’t expected him to walk in and announce that he was doing it now. Nick had always wanted to do it, and Brian knew that they all wanted to let him, but none of them, particularly AJ, wanted their own album to be put on hold. “Were you going to bother telling us?” AJ asked, loudly. AJ was eager after everything to get some of it out, to record. “I am telling you,” Nick said. “Right now.” “After you already signed on,” AJ spat. “We’re a group, Nick. We discuss these things. We discuss things that affect the group.” “Nobody discussed marriage,” Nick shot back. “You didn’t ask me if it was okay to marry Sarah.” “That’s different,” Brian jumped in. AJ’s anger had always been contagious and it didn’t take Brian long to fall into it. “Completely different.” Nick had never gotten along with Leighanne. He’d always felt that he needed to fight to keep Brian rather than work to share him. Nick couldn’t win the fight though. Brian loved Nick, but he loved Leigh too. Nick couldn’t win and so he pushed away. “How?” Nick asked. “How’s it different? It affects all of us.” “It’s not group business,” Brian insisted. “A solo album affects us all. We’re planning a new album and things are changing and you’re off thinking about you, Nick.” Nick hadn’t really tried after the wedding. He’d given up on Brian rather than let Brian have time to adjust. “So what’s it going to be? Us or you?” “What are you saying?” “Not that,” Kevin said sharply. Kevin was upset, but was holding it in. It was hard to tell who Kevin’s closed off anger was directed at. Looking back, Brian guessed it was probably him. Brian was supposed to keep his cool. It was all right for AJ to let it out, but Brian had to be calm. Brian could do more damage. “I need this right now,” Nick said, gently. “Nicky,” Howie spoke up. He’d been uncharacteristically quiet since Nick had made the announcement. “We’ll wait.” AJ snorted. Nick hugged Howie and turned to the rest of them. “I guess I’ll talk to you guys later,” he said, and left. “I can’t believe –“ AJ started. “He wants us to put everything on hold so that he can move forward.” “So we’ll let him,” Kevin said. He left as well, bumped into a studio lackey on his way out. AJ was still fuming. “AJ,” Howie said. “It wasn’t the best way to go about it, but like I say, this is Nick. Nicky. Do you guys want to end it?” Brian thought about that. He shook his head at the same time that AJ said, “No.” “Then chill out. You know Nick’s wanted to do this. We all knew. It’s not the best time, but Jive wants to support him now. And look. Leigh’s pregnant. This should be perfect for you. Take some time off. Both of you.” Howie, as usual, was right. Brian leafed through the song book and smiled at Leighanne when she set her hand on his knee. Howie was right, Brian thought, and turned his attention back to the service. Brian had needed the time off, and AJ had especially. AJ was by far one of the strongest men that Brian had ever met. He’d turned his life around in the course of a few months, jumped right back into his old routine, the old temptations, and he persevered. It wasn’t easy, Brian knew from staying up nights talking to AJ in the months afterward. He knew from the nights that AJ asked him to stay with him, not to leave him alone. He knew from the times that he’d slept curled around AJ’s warm body. It wasn’t easy, but AJ had a great outlook, and even when he was doubting himself, he’d never been more confident. The stress was still there though, and more than anyone AJ deserved the time off. “Remind me to call when I get back,” Brian whispered. Leighanne stared at him for a moment and then went back to singing with the rest of the congregation. AJ wasn’t home when Brian called later in the day, but Brian left a message this time. Brian stood on the edge of the court and shot. The ball sailed through the hoop in a perfect arc and Tyke chased after it as it rolled back across the pavement. He tried to jump on it, but was really too small for a basketball. He managed to get his front paws on the ball but it rolled away, and he tried again. Tyke barked and bounced away when Brian came after the ball. Playing basketball with a Chihuahua wasn’t as exciting as it originally seemed it might be. He had a few friends in the area, but they were mostly golfers, and they had jobs that included more than sitting around waiting for a baby at the moment. And so Brian played a lot of solo horse. On tour he had to play on traveling hoops set up backstage, or on the floor during set up, but at least there was always someone willing to play. And if there wasn’t, Brian could usually rope AJ into it. AJ was embarrassingly bad at basketball, but luckily he didn’t seem to care like Howie did, and he was always up for some one on one. The thing was, Brian was just so used to moving. Dancing, bouncing from one venue to another, goofing around, and he wasn’t doing so much moving of late. He watched television and he bonded with his wife. He cooked and ran errands and did chores. He’d gained about twenty pounds. He joked that he’d done it to make up for the twenty that Nick had lost. “Why don’t you start jogging or something?” Leighanne suggested after Brian has spent an hour chasing the dogs up and down the front stairs. “Get some of that out of your system. Please.” Brian hated jogging so he carried Tyke into the backyard and shot some hoops. If he ever got a hold of AJ, they’d have to set up a game of golf or something. Maybe they could do it next month, or as soon as AJ returned his call. Whichever came first. Brian shot the ball and missed, caught it as it bounced back at him. “Brian!” Leighanne called. “Telephone.” Brian could tell by the tone of her voice that it was Kevin. He dropped the ball on the court and began jogging toward the house. “Don’t leave him,” Leighanne reminded, pointing, and Brian ran back and collected Tyke from where he was laying in the sun. Neither of them wanted to relive that mess. “Hey,” Brian said, picking up the phone and setting Tyke on the kitchen floor. “Hey, it’s Kev.” “What’s up?” Brian asked, hopping onto a stool. “Nick just called.” Kevin started. “Yeah?” Brian didn’t try to hide his disappointment that Nick hadn’t called him. “He wants to get together. All of us.” Brian bit his lip. He wasn’t sure what that meant. “When?” “Next week if you’re available. In New York.” “I have to talk it over with Leigh, but I’ll be there. You talk to the others yet?” “Nope, I called you first.” “I’ll be there,” Brian said again. “Just e-mail me the details and I’ll see you next week.” “All right, man. Talk to you soon.” Kevin hung up. Brian set the phone on the counter and retreated into the living room, where Leighanne found him twenty minutes later. “Well?” she asked, sitting down beside him on the couch. “Nick wants a meeting,” Brian said, staring out the window. Leighanne frowned and ran her fingers through Brian’s hair. He couldn’t decide how he felt about that. The media made it sound like they were ready to take any chance they got to up and leave Nick, to let him go. They had never thought about it, but if Nick was the one that wanted to leave, no one could stop him. “I’m sure it’s nothing,” Leighanne said. “He’s been so busy. He probably just misses you.” Brian wasn’t so sure. It was no secret that they had meetings every few weeks to see where they stood. Sometimes it was the only time Brian heard from them. The media knew about the meetings and put a negative spin on it, started break up rumors, and honestly, they did talk about splitting. Music was changing, they were changing, and they all thought that periodic evaluation of that was important. So they talked about it and always came away together. They talked about it when they were having problems, but talking about it mostly just made them realize how much they didn’t want it to end. The solo fiasco had blown over, as everything did eventually. The studio lackey in the hallway leaked the fight to the press, and they hung on to it, stirring things up, constantly questioning Nick. But the actual disagreement only lasted two weeks. Nick was so happy, and Nick’s happiness was just as contagious as AJ’s anger had ever been. There were many sides and they could see them all. All they really needed was the proper point of view. Nick wanted to go it alone. He wanted to do something without backup, and Brian could see that it was good for him. They all could. And so they stopped going into the studio, they tinkered at things individually and provided a silent unobtrusive wall of support. Nick knew who to call if he needed guidance, if he needed anything really. And Nick didn’t call. He could go it alone, and maybe they didn’t want to let him go, but Brian had to admit he was proud. They all were. They’d all had a hand in the man that Nick had become. Brian sat at the desk in the bedroom, scanning plane ticket prices to New York. The television was on and Leighanne sat on the bed, Litty curled against her side and snoring a little. “You’re sure you’ll be all right,” Brian asked. The baby was due in two months and Brian felt more than a little guilty about leaving, even though it was only for the weekend. He’d hoped Leigh would come, but she declined, saying there was no way he was getting her on a plane. “I’ll be fine,” she said, not turning from the television. “It’s only two days and you’ll be back. I’ll be okay. Mom will be here.” “Right. Okay.” Leighanne’s mother was more than happy to spend time with her daughter. “How about Wallace?” Leighanne suggested and Brian grimaced. They’d been trying to come up with baby names and had been unable to agree on anything. Wallace was fine for a last name, and if Leighanne wanted her maiden name as the baby’s middle name, that was fine. But Wallace made Brian think of a walrus and he wasn’t having his son grow up with that name. “Lee,” Brian suggested as he scanned the web site open on the screen in front of him, but Leighanne cringed. “I dated a Lee in high school. Asshole.” “Lee and Leighanne?” Brian asked, trying hard not to laugh. He turned to look at Leighanne. “Shut up,” she said with a play pout. “Baby names. Plane tickets. No making fun. Wait till you’re with the guys for that.” Brian did laugh a little then, but turned back to the computer. “A girl would be easy,” he mused. “Brianne.” “Except that Joey Fatone stole our baby name,” Leigh said, opening the bag of baked potato chips on the table beside her. “Yeah,” Brian grinned. “Bastard. Why am I looking up plane tickets when I can just call and have it all taken care of for me?” Brian reached for the phone and began dialing. “I don’t know, honey. How about Bailey?” Brian glanced at the television and then turned to his wife and covered the mouthpiece of the receiver. “You want to name our son after a character on Party of Five?” “No, Brian, seriously. It has the Lee without being repulsive, and then there’s also the beginning of the name for Brian.” Brian frowned. “I’m on hold. How is Bai like Brian?” “Well, he’ll have your middle name too. Do you like it or not?” “Except for the Party of Five association, sure.” “Just think about it. If you like it next week then, maybe, right?” Brian didn’t answer, he was off hold. Brian chose the small packet of Milano cookies from the basket of snacks the stewardess offered. He opened them and pulled the two cookies from the package, but he didn’t eat them. He left them on the tray table and went back to chewing his fingernails. They’d been meeting every month, sure, but it hadn’t been real meetings. They’d have phone conferences to see where they stood. A real meeting implied a real problem and a real problem scared Brian almost as much as flying. He was torn between anticipation and eagerness to have them all together, and worry that it would be the last time. Brian could feel his heart pounding in his chest, a little faster than was normal, and he took a deep breath. It was nothing. The flying and the stress, that was all. It would slow down. Brian didn’t have to worry about it. Not anymore. He tapped the stewardess as she came back through and asked for gin and tonic. She smiled and rushed off to get it for him. Brian wouldn’t make it. He’d bite off his fingernails until there was nothing left if he stayed awake. His heart would jump clear out of his chest and bounce down the aisle, and wouldn’t that be unpleasant for everyone. “Here you are, sir,” the stewardess said, smiling. Her tag told him that her name was Eliza. “Can I help you with anything else?” “No thank you, Eliza,” Brian said. “This is perfect.” She grinned again and left. Brian downed the glass and closed his eyes. He’d be there in a few hours. They’d all be there. Breaks were spent apart, separated. Brian’s favorite part of reuniting was always getting to know them again. By the end of a break Brian sometimes felt that they were strangers, and this wasn’t the end, it was only an island, not the shore, but it felt the same. It felt the same as they laughed and talked over dinner. Nick had reserved an entire room of one of his favorite restaurants in New York so that they wouldn’t be bothered, wouldn’t really even be seen, and though Nick’s favorite restaurant probably wasn’t the equivalent to one that Brian would choose, and certainly not one chosen by Howie or Kevin, despite that the burgers were good and the company even better. Nick was smiling and happy and Brian stopped worrying. Nick didn’t look at all like he was planning on dropping a bomb on any of them. He didn’t look like he was ending it and Brian thought that by now he’d be able to tell. “So what’s the news, Rok?” AJ asked after they’d gone around the table. Brian shrugged and grinned. “Not a whole lot,” he admitted. “We’re sort of playing the waiting game. A few months to go.” “Does he have a name yet?” Howie asked, poking at his french fries. “Almost. We’re thinking Bailey Thomas. Sort of as a combination of our names.” “I like it,” Kevin nodded. “How is Bai like Brian?” Nick asked. “That’s what I said,” Brian grinned. They finished dinner and briefly discussed going out on the town but decided that returning to the hotel, just the five of them, was really the more appealing option. Nick and AJ began wrestling in the elevator and they didn’t stop until Nick, out of breath and laughing, had to search his pockets for his room key. He told them about his band as he mixed drinks from the mini-bar. “You guys all remember Alicia,” he said, tossing AJ a can of coke. He tossed a second to Kevin and then began making drinks for Howie and Brian. Brian didn’t remember Alicia but he nodded anyway. He was laying across the cough, his legs in Howie’s lap, and it felt good. Nick kept talking, but Brian was only half listening. They were in a random anonymous hotel and it felt just like home. They were just as much home for Brian as anything else. “Anyway, he’s a cool guy, but I don’t know. He’s a little,” Nick licked the alcohol from his fingers, “narrow. And he thinks that I should be that way too.” Nick shrugged and stood from his spot on the floor in front of the small fridge. He picked up the two drinks and then handed them to Brian and Howie. “They’re all kind of like that,” Nick continued, downing half of his own drink and hopping up to sit on the table. “It’s sort of weird. I don’t remember Alicia being so. Devout. I mean, that’s cool, but –“ Nick shrugged. He looked a little uncomfortable with the situation. Nick only really knew people in the business, and it was rare to encounter that. Brian was about as religious as they came as far as Nick was concerned. They drained the mini-bar within a few hours. Brian lost his spot on the couch when he was sent for more ice, and returned to find Nick sprawled. He’d lost his spot on the couch, but as he laughed at AJ’s retelling of a recent incident involving bees and a machete, Brian felt like he’d found a part of him that he’d been missing for months. It was nearly midnight when Brian realized that he was pretty drunk. He stood to use the bathroom and stumbled a little. Nick laughed at him, and Brian realized that Nick and Howie were right there with him. Kevin snorted a little at Nick’s giggling. He and AJ were sober and Brian had a feeling they’d spent the evening laughing at their friends unnoticed. Howie’s lids looked heavy and he had a constant smile on his face. Brian made it to the bathroom, and back again, and he laughed at the story that Howie was telling, though he’d missed most of it. He laughed with them anyway. Nick reached over and rubbed Howie’s thigh. “You’re a dork, D” he said, but he left his hand there. The room was quiet for a moment that seemed much longer than it probably was, and Howie wasn’t smiling anymore. He was looking at Nick’s hand, and then he looked up at Nick. “Nicky,” he said. Nick removed his hand from Howie’s thigh. Howie shook his head, it looked to Brian like he was trying to clear his thoughts. He shook his head and then he climbed into Nick’s lap and kissed him. Nick made a surprised gasp and froze until Howie pulled away and said, “I’m drunk, but I’ve wanted to do that for years.” Brian set down his drink. It wasn’t really surprising, but it could go one of two ways, and Brian wanted to be ready. He crossed his fingers behind his back. “Howie,” Nick said, and then he too set down his drink, not to cross his fingers or to push Howie away, but instead he freed up his hands to grab Howie’s arms, to grip him and pull him in. “Holy fuck,” AJ said. “I’m pretty drunk too,” Nick said when they paused for breath. “I’m not,” AJ said. He was close and he didn’t need to move far. AJ just had to reach and lean and then his lips were pressed against Howie’s. Nick’s hand was on AJ’s waist. Brian took a step back. Suddenly it didn’t look much like what he thought it was. It looked a lot less like two of his best friends starting a relationship and a lot more like the beginning of some sort of fucked up Backstreet orgy. And Nick was staring at him, his lips red, parted, his eyes bright. Nick was staring right at him and Brian looked away. Brian didn’t turn back until Nick said Kevin’s name, and then when he did turn, Nick wasn’t looking at him at all anymore. Nick was staring at Kevin, had his hand out, and AJ’s mouth was against Nick’s neck. Brian shivered. “I’m not doing this unless we’re in it together,” Kevin said, holding up his hand to halt Nick. “Brian,” Howie pleaded, and his voice was lower than Brian had ever heard it. Brian left the room. Brian’s hands were shaking as he pulled his cell phone from his pocket. He was sweating a little and he leaned against the door to his own hotel room. The lights were out, the window open a crack, and the cool air had left the room cold. Brian was sweating anyway. He started to dial, but the phone slipped from his hand. “Shit,” he cursed, and slid down to sit on the floor. He was turned on. Ten years and they’d turned him on. It wasn’t the first time it had happened, but he’d been a teenager. He’d been a kid and he blamed it on hormones and shrugged it off. He’d been wrong. The phone was ringing and he almost hoped that Leighanne didn’t answer. He really hoped that her mother didn’t answer. “Hello?” “Leigh?” Brian’s palm brushed the front of his jeans, and if he could just stop thinking about them together. AJ’s mouth on Nick’s neck. “Hey, baby. What’s wrong? You sound funny.” “I love you,” he said. But it wasn’t that simple. Because even when they weren’t together, even when he was vacuuming and playing basketball with Tyke and making pickle ham rolls, even then he loved them just as much. “I love you, too,” Leighanne said. “I’m going to call Angelina Jolie for you when I get home.” He was a family man with two families. “Okay,” Leighanne said slowly, confused. “Brian, what is this –“ Brian hung up just as there was a knock at the door to his back. He scrambled to his feet and glanced out the peephole. AJ was lifting his hand to cover it and as Brian watched the view went dark. Brian opened the door. “Don’t you know not to open hotel doors when you can’t see who’s there?” AJ asked. “I’m all in pieces,” Brian said. “You can have your choice.” And then he kissed AJ. AJ moaned and pushed Brian into the room, kicked the door shut behind them. Brian’s hands were beneath AJ’s shirt before he had time to think about it, before he had time to do any more second guessing. AJ shuddered beneath his fingers, slid against his palms, and then he pulled back. AJ licked Brian’s lower lip, bumped his nose against Brian’s. “I fucking love you guys,” he said, “I fucking love you, Rok.” He took Brian’s hand, dragged him toward the door, and Brian stopped thinking all together. Kevin, Howie, and Nick were piled on Nick’s bed watching television in the bedroom when Brian and AJ returned. Watching television like nothing out of the ordinary had happened, like Brian wasn’t shaking in anticipation and apprehension, like everything wasn’t changing. “Guys?” Brian asked, frowning and holding onto the door. AJ was holding onto him, so he couldn’t leave. He wasn’t sure that he could leave again anyway. “You’re back,” Nick said, picking up the remote and shutting off the television. “Yeah,” Brian said, and he turned and watched as AJ shut the door and locked it. “Come on,” Nick said. He held out his arms like a child demanding a hug. When Brian didn’t move, Nick wiggled his fingers. “I missed you,” he said. “Come on.” AJ shoved him and Brian stumbled, but it was what he needed, he was moving, and then he was kneeling over Nick, hugging him. “I didn’t think you were coming back,” Nick said against Brian’s neck. Brian could feel his lips forming the words against his skin. The others were quiet, unmoving. It was strange, like time was suspended, the only sounds Nick and the quiet breathing of the others, and all Brian could see was the wall, Nick’s shoulder, his hand on Nick’s back. “I had to make a phone call,” Brian whispered. “Remember in Europe –“ Nick started, and Brian nodded and pressed his fingers against Nick’s spine before Nick could finish. “Can I?” Brian nodded again, and pulled out of Nick’s embrace but kept his hands on Nick’s back. He knew before Nick’s lips met his own that it wouldn’t be anything like it was in Europe. It wouldn’t be so innocent, it wouldn’t be chaste. Brian didn’t think he wanted to it to be. When his tongue slipped into Nick’s mouth, when Nick moaned and brought his hands up to Brian’s neck, Brian was sure he didn’t want it to be and thought that he was probably going to hell for it. He thought it rationally, but he didn’t believe it. It was adultery, surely, but it didn’t feel wrong. It hardly felt like cheating. Not with Nick. And not with Howie when Nick eased Brian away and into Howie’s arms. Howie’s kiss was more sure than Nick’s, slower than AJ’s, more complex, and Howie stopped to say “I love you, Bri,” breathed it into Brian’s mouth. Brian swallowed the words. The room was warm, too warm, and Brian sighed in relief when AJ pulled his sweatshirt over his head. Howie was gone, but he could hear him, he could hear them all now. Kevin said Nick’s name, low, and though Kevin wasn’t close, wasn’t touching him, Brian could feel the loving words reverberate through him, strumming beneath his skin. “Rok,” AJ said, coming around from behind him, and Brian’s eyes were shut when he felt AJ’s lips on his chest, AJ’s tongue tracing the small scar, his fingers touching it and his hand folding over Brian’s chest, over his heart. It wasn’t cheating. He wasn’t going anywhere. Brian opened his eyes, suddenly awake, the jarring ring of a cellphone loud in the hotel room. Brian blinked, sniffed a little. Kevin blinked back. “Shit,” Howie said, and Brian saw him sit up behind Kevin, climb over AJ and out of the bed. Brian watched Howie bend over to search for his phone, naked, shaking out his discarded jeans. Brian felt Nick’s arm against his waist, Nick’s breath against his back and he closed his eyes. “Will you fucking answer that?” AJ groaned. “I’m trying,” Howie said, and Brian heard something hit the wall. “Found it.” The phone stopped ringing and Howie swore again. He could feel Kevin chuckling next to him. “Do you guys want me to order breakfast?” Howie asked, and Brian opened his eyes again, squinted at Howie, standing naked in front of the window, the sunlight bright behind him. Not the best idea, those open drapes, and Brian looked at his watch, still on his wrist. Noon on a Sunday. Well, he’d missed church. It seemed a lot funnier than it should. “Why are you laughing?” Nick said against Brian’s back. “Stop it. Go to sleep.” Brian couldn’t go back to sleep. He couldn’t even stop laughing. It was all kind of ridiculous. Naked in bed with his four best friends, his pregnant wife at home hundreds of miles away. What had made sense the night before seemed ridiculous and laughable and horrible in the morning sunshine streaming in through the windows. “Stop laughing,” Nick said again. His grip around Brian’s waist tightened and then he bit Brian’s shoulder. “Ow,” Brian said, still laughing, and Nick bit him again. “No biting.” “Then shut up,” Nick mumbled, but he didn’t bite Brian a third time. “What time does your flight leave?” Kevin asked, and Brian stopped laughing and focused on his cousin. “Four,” he said. Kevin nodded. He kissed the corner of Brian’s mouth, almost his cheek, and then he tousled Brian’s hair and climbed out of the bed. He spoke to Howie in low tones by the window. Close the drapes, Brian thought, and he was about to say it when he noticed that AJ was staring at him. “You okay?” AJ asked from his side of the bed. “Not really,” Brian replied honestly. AJ nodded. “Wait, wait,” Nick said, digging through his bag frantically. Brian was on his way out the door. His car was waiting downstairs to drive him to the airport. They’d said their good bye’s, they’d wished Nick luck, they’d said their I Love You’s, and Brian had to go back. His coat was on and his bag was slung over his shoulder. His hand was on the door and Nick was saying wait over and over again, cursing as he tossed the contents of his packed bag back onto the floor. “Nick, I’ve gotta go,” Brian said. “This was the whole reason. Just wait one second. They’re in here somewhere.” Howie bent to help Nick look for whatever it was he’d lost and finally, after what felt like much longer than a second, Nick grinned and stood up holding a pile of CDs. “I brought it for each of you,” he said. “I wanted to give it to you myself. That’s why I wanted you to come up here, but then, you know, stuff, and I forgot, but here.” He shoved a CD into Brian’s hand. Brian looked at the case, at Nick sitting dusty against an old car, his sleeves rolled up and his arms golden. “Now or Never,” Brian read and Nick grinned. “They were just finished, the final version, last week,” Nick explained. He handed copies to the others and then when he no longer had the cases he shrugged and shoved his empty hands into his pockets. “I wish I’d remembered to give them to you yesterday.” “Thank you,” Brian said, moving back into the room to kiss Nick’s cheek, to hug him. He slipped the CD into his bag. “I’ll talk to y’all soon,” he said, and then the door was shutting behind him, the elevator was opening and he was going home. Brian eyed the vacuum cleaner sitting in the closet. It was not his nemesis. “Leigh?” He called, and she was only in the kitchen so she appeared behind him almost immediately. “My mother went out and bought us a new one. The old vacuum was broken. No wonder it gave you so many problems.” She kissed the back of his neck and then left, carried her knitting and her snack upstairs. Brian pulled the vacuum from the closet and rolled it into the living room. It felt different. It was heavier. Only Leighanne’s mother would go out and buy a heavier vacuum cleaner rather than a newer lighter model. Brian pulled the cord from the back and plugged it into the wall socket. The vacuum cleaner fell over. “I don’t think it was my nemesis that was causing the problems,” Brian muttered. He stood the vacuum cleaner upright, and then froze. Brian stared at his palm, wrapped around the handle, his thumb just barely brushing his fingertips, and he closed his eyes. It hadn’t gone too far. He’d been afraid it would, but it hadn’t, and Brian thought it might only be because none of them had protection. None of them expected it. It hadn’t felt like cheating, but it most definitely was. He’d left his pregnant wife for two days and had slept with four men while he was away. It was mutual masturbation, mostly, some making out, teenagers did it all the time. Brian hadn’t, but he knew about circle jerks. He’d heard about using friends to get off. But this wasn’t that. This was love, just as it was love with Leighanne, and that made it better. It made it worse. “I’m going out,” Brian called, abandoning the vacuum cleaner and standing at the bottom of the stairs. Brian pulled his baseball cap down his forehead and grabbed a basket before heading into the grocery store. He didn’t have a list, he wasn’t even sure what they had in the house, but he was going to buy something. He needed to clear his head. He started in the produce, poking at things, apples, carrots, until finally he grabbed an avocado and placed it in his basket. He grabbed an onion and a tomato too, not bothering to put them into the plastic bags that the store provided and then he moved on. He’d make guacamole. He’d never made it before, but it couldn’t be that difficult and he could guess most of the ingredients. Leighanne liked guacamole. Brian grabbed tortilla chips in the snack aisle and then paused to think. Was there garlic in guacamole? He wasn’t sure. He pressed his fingers against his chin and stared at the floor, thinking. His finger hit a sore spot on his jaw and he paused, poked it again, and then shut his eyes. AJ was there, naked against him. AJ’s hand on Brian and Brian was begging, he wanted him so badly. AJ said it again, they’d all said it so many times. “I love you,” AJ said, and he kissed along Brian’s jaw. “Love you,” Brian replied, chanted like a litany, and his hand had slipped down AJ’s side, palmed AJ’s hip. He’d never, never anyone but himself, but then he was and it wasn’t so different, it wasn’t so strange. AJ moaned, surprised, and he reared against Brian, licked Brian’s ear, bit Brian’s jaw and Brian came. “Fuck,” Brian said aloud. A woman gasped and Brian opened his eyes. A mother. She glared at him and then looked down at her young son protectively. “Sorry ma’am,” Brian mumbled, rushed away and hoped he wasn’t recognized. He’d forgotten his sunglasses. “Sorry,” Brian said again to no one, and he was back in produce, dropping garlic into his basket. He picked up soda and sour cream, salsa and bologna, and then headed to the check out counter. He stopped in front of the magazines and read the tabloid covers. They didn’t really make the tabloids anymore. They’d been out of the spotlight for awhile, and Nick hadn’t done anything gossip worthy. Not yet. The drapes had been open though and Brian could picture the headline, he could see the grainy picture. Howie’s naked ass in front of an open hotel window. Exclusive inside. Had the drapes been open the night before? Brian couldn’t remember. And if they had, maybe inside there’d be more pictures. Nick’s mouth around Brian, his eyes closed, Brian’s hands in his hair, and the important parts hidden behind a black strip. ‘Show me the Meaning’ came on the radio then, and Brian jumped, almost laughed, almost set his groceries down and walked out. Instead he grabbed some of the tabloids - Star, the Enquirer – Leigh liked those. He got in line and listened to himself sing over the store speakers and made sure not to look the cashier in the eye. Back in his own kitchen, he set the groceries out on the counter, opened the cupboard for a mixing bowl, and then noticed Nick’s CD, still wrapped and sitting by the phone. He’d taken it out to show Leighanne, and then he’d gotten sidetracked and hadn’t even looked at it himself. Brian set the bowl on the counter and picked up the CD, peeled off the plastic wrap. He’d only heard a few of the songs, the ones that Nick had played for him early on, before Nick started the heavy traveling and they all lost touch. Brian opened the pearl case, slipped the booklet out and leafed through it, smiled when he came to Nick’s sketches. He’d drawn those during a fan conference for Black and Blue, Brian had seen them over Nick’s shoulder. He read the liners, wondering if Nick had written them while they were still mad, if he'd left them out all together. He had to sit down by the second paragraph. Even now Nick was still so young. He’d been a child when it started and Brian couldn’t imagine growing up like that. He’d been young too, but his childhood had nothing to do with spotlights. Kevin always spoke of how proud he was of AJ, of the man that AJ had become. Brian felt the same responsibility, the same pride for Nick. His little brother. His best friend. He read on. He closed his eyes when he reached the end. “The sweat, blood, and tears,” he said and he knew he had to tell Leighanne. If it had been a mistake, a fluke, if it hadn’t meant anything he might have been able to live with himself. He might have been okay going on with a dark spot in his history. He’d atone, find out how the Catholics did it. But it wasn’t that easy. Because it wasn’t a mistake, it definitely wasn’t a fluke. It was love just as his marriage was love. Brian stood and went to the back door. It was getting dark and the wind was picking up. He didn’t remember the weather forecast reporting a storm, but it looked like there would be one anyway. Brian pressed his forehead to the glass. It had only been a day. There was guilt, plenty of guilt, but Brian was horrified that through the guilt and through the fear there was no real regret. He didn’t want to go back and it haunted him. A day and an avocado and a few written words from Nick and Brian was falling apart. It might be the end, but it was love of some kind and they’d acted on it, and she had to know. “I cheated on you,” Brian said, holding the tabloids out like some kind of offering. “What?” Leighanne frowned, set her knitting aside. “Where did you go?” “The grocery store. I’m going to make guacamole. But I cheated and you need to know.” Brian dropped the papers onto the bed and began pacing the room. “When?” Leighanne asked. Brian glanced at her and thought she looked pale. What kind of husband was he telling his 7 month pregnant wife that he’d cheated? What kind of husband was he for cheating in the first place. She was going to leave him and he couldn’t blame her, but he had to try to stop it from happening. He had to be honest. “Last weekend.” “In New York?” Leighanne’s voice caught in her throat and her hands clenched at the baby blanket she was knitting. Brian moved to stand in front of the window. He stared out at the backyard and prayed that she could forgive him. “A fan? Did you guys go out?” “No,” Brian shook his head, but didn’t turn from the window. It was easier. “Not a fan. We didn’t go out.” “Then who? What are you talking about?” Leighanne asked. Brian heard her moving and he turned so that she wouldn’t have to stand. “Just tell me. Is this about that phone call?” “The guys,” Brian said. He squeezed his eyes shut so he didn’t have to see her reaction. The bedroom was quiet and Brian hated himself. He hated that he wasn’t as sorry as he thought that he should be, that he loved them all equally. He hated that he’d cheated but didn’t want to take it back. He hated that he’d hurt her. “Oh,” Leighanne said, finally. Brian heard her sigh and he opened his eyes, looked at his wife. He needed to explain, qualify, make it seem less than it was, make her stay. “I mean, it wasn’t, not that,” he started without quite knowing where he was going. “It was just, you know, hands, and some oral –“ “Brian!” Leighanne had her eyes closed. “You don’t need to tell me about it. I don’t need to know that.” “I don’t want to lose you,” Brian said, desperately. He didn’t want to lose any of them. He couldn’t. He’d be lost. “Calm down,” Leighanne said, beckoning him closer, and Brian climbed across the bed until he was beside her. She smiled, and it looked sad, but there was something else there, something Brian couldn’t quite place. She looked resigned. She brushed her fingers across Brian’s cheek, cupped his face in her palm. Her thumb moved back and forth across his jaw line, her fingernail scratching over the faintest red mark there. “You’re not going to lose me,” she continued. “The list, Brian. They were on the list.” Brian squinted, and then he shook his head, shook her hand away. “Leigh. That list was a joke. It’s not an excuse.” “No,” she said, entwining her fingers with his. “It was a joke. I know that. You thought I was kidding, but I never was. Because, I thought it had already happened. I wanted you to be open with me,” Leighanne said. She’d made them the exception because she’d thought they already were. “I learned to share you with them a long time ago.” She’d never really gotten along with the guys. They were acquaintances, and they were cordial, but nothing more. Brian had never thought that it might be jealousy. He’d never guessed. “It was the first time,” he said. He wanted to be clear. She might not leave him, but she was wounded. Leighanne nodded. “And you know. It’s better. It’s okay. Because I thought that you’d been hiding it from me for years.” Brian shook his head. “I couldn’t.” “I wasn’t sure,” Leighanne said. She pulled Brian closer and he lowered himself to the bed, set his cheek lightly against her stomach. “I love you,” he said. “I know.” Leighanne’s hands were soothing in his hair. “I love them too.” “I know.” He couldn’t tell if she sounded bitter. Probably a little. She’d always sounded a little bitter about them. But she was still there. She thought it had already happened and she was still there. They could overcome this. He wanted to make promises, new vows, but he saw Nick’s mouth behind his eyelids, Howie’s eyes, and he couldn’t. They were his family as much as she was. He was married to them as much as he was married to her, and it seemed wrong, it seemed to go against everything, but there it was. Brian was a family man with two families. It was probably just the once. Nick and Howie were getting together. They were going to be together like they should have been years ago. The rest of them had their significant others and it probably wouldn’t happen again. But Brian saw them all behind his eyelids, even with his cheek pressed to his unborn son. They were there too and he couldn’t make any promises. “I can’t promise that it won’t happen again.” “I’m not asking you to,” Leighanne said. Brian turned, repositioning himself so that he could see her. She wasn’t smiling, but she was there. She was staying. When Brian looked at Leighanne he saw his future. He saw them older, he saw her laughing. He had less hair and hers was shorter and if he looked there were white strands mixed in with the blond. He saw his dogs and his son and he was so beautiful. He had his mother’s smile and his mother’s heart. He had Brian’s eyes and he would be tall, Brian knew he would. He saw birthday parties and summer barbecues and basketball games. And even then, at the parties and barbecues, they were there. All of them. Howie and Nick played basketball with Bailey and even though he was older, Howie wasn’t any better at the game. There were children there, and Brian hoped they were Kevin’s, AJ’s. Kevin’s hair was gray on the sides and he wore glasses. AJ’s sunglasses were smaller, tasteful, his tattoos faded, but he was happy. He was whole. Leighanne served fruit salad that Brian had helped her make that morning, and Nick taught Brian’s son the art of spitting olive pits so that they sailed as far as he could throw. Leighanne would yell about Nick teaching her son bad manners, but she was laughing. When Brian looked at Leighanne he saw her older and happy. They were there too, laughing. They were happy and Brian loved them all. Back/Home/Feedback