Howie couldn't remember when it was that he stopped saying that he was single, but he had a feeling it might have been in April.

"Single," Nick had said, lifting his arms up and knocking into Howie's shoulder. Cue audience screaming. The crowd had been small, less than twenty people crammed into the tiny studio, but the screams were still loud and Howie scrunched up his nose and knocked back into Nick.

Howie felt Kevin nudge him from the other side and knew without looking that Kevin was shaking his head at Nick's antics.

"Also single," AJ agreed when the noise died a little, smiling into his microphone.

"Howie?" The host asked. Howie couldn't remember her name. Mindy, maybe? Melinda? There was a good chance it started with an M anyway. Or maybe it was Linda. The radio shows all started to blur together after a while and Howie had never been that good with names.

"Dating," Howie said, smiling at a few disappointed shouts from the studio audience.

No one bothered asking the status of Brian and Kevin anymore and when Brian leaned around Kevin to look at Howie, Howie just shrugged and nodded. Brian had smiled, growled at Howie and then pretended to bite Kevin's knee. Brian was thirty going on twelve.

**

Howie might not be great with names, he might not remember if it was Brian or Kevin that had that weird cat that spent most of the time they shared an apartment together hiding under a bed (He thinks it was Brian's so the cat was probably Kevin's.), and he couldn't pinpoint when it was that he started lying about his status in interviews, but Howie knew that he wouldn't forget when things started getting weird.

Howie started to think that Brian might be psychic in June, around the same time that Brian pulled Howie into a hallway and kissed him. It was also in June that Howie started to think Brian might be going insane. It wasn't a coincidence.

It wasn't so much the kiss. The kiss wasn't that weird. Or it was, but the weird thing about it was that they were alone when the kissing occurred. It was also kind of weird that Brian didn't say anything, just kissed Howie, squeezed his shoulder, and headed on down the hall. But the kiss. If it had been Nick, Howie wouldn't have even blinked. If it'd been in front of the fellas, Howie wouldn't have thought anything of it. It was no different than when they all got drunk together and Brian slobbered all over Nick's cheek in an attempt to piss him off, which never actually did piss Nick off but instead inspired him to start giving everyone wet willies. Howie really hated that.

This wasn't really that different, Howie supposed. Except that they were alone in a hallway at CBS. And Howie was pretty sure he'd felt a little tongue.

There were several explanations. However, Howie was pretty sure that Brian wasn't drunk, trying to piss Howie off, or trying to get Howie to give Kevin a wet willie which meant that most of his explanations had just flown out the window. And anyway, the kiss wasn't messy. And it wasn't all that chaste either, really. Or it was, but only because Howie just stood there too shocked to respond.

Which left insane. And possibly psychic.

And if Brian was psychic then that probably also meant that Brian was onto something and Howie should start actually going to church instead of just talking about how he should still be going to church.

Then again, if Brian was onto something then what was he doing kissing Howie in the hallway? And what was Howie doing still standing in the hallway when Brian was long gone; most likely sitting in the van with the fellas wondering what was taking Howie so long to get his butt in gear.

Maybe it wasn't really tongue that Howie had felt. Maybe Brian's lips were just wet. That could have been it. After all, Howie had been too surprised to move or respond, he could easily be a little fuzzy with the details now.

Howie shook his head, shrugged, and headed in the direction of the waiting van.

**

"Stop, Nick," Howie said as soon as the van started moving and Nick's hands magically appeared on Howie's shoulders.

"Come on, Howie," Nick said and began massaging, which would have been fine except that Howie knew from experience that pretty soon the massage would turn into pinching and poking and pulling at the hairs at the back of Howie's neck.

"Stop it, Nick," Howie said again, looking over at AJ while making absolutely sure not to look at Brian who was sitting behind him and between Nick and Kevin. Instead Howie pretended that he wasn't listening to Kevin and Brian talking about Brian's chapstick that he'd apparently just dropped onto the floor while the cap was off. Howie tried to pry off two of Nick's fingers, but they snapped back down onto his shoulder as soon as he let go.

"Nicky," Howie started again just as AJ turned to him and said, "I think I'm gonna try to hit the movies tonight. Brad and Angelina, man. You coming?" and Kevin said "Just wipe it off," and Nick's fingers started to dig harder into Howie's shoulders.

Howie swatted at Nick's hands and opened his mouth to answer AJ but before he could say anything a hand popped into view between them, one finger stuck out and covered in dirty chapstick, and then Brian tried to wipe it on AJ's nose.

"Hey! What the hell, Rok," AJ said, and tried to grab Brian's wrist. Brian was only able to evade him for a second or two and then AJ had the wrist and was pushing it back, trying to wipe the chapstick on Brian's own face. Brian was cracking up and knocking into Nick, causing Nick to yank Howie with him.

"Ow," Howie said and slapped AJ's knee.

AJ let go of Brian and sat back down in his seat, wiping his hands on his pants and Brian, still laughing, said "Nick. Hey, Nick" and Nick shrieked and let go of Howie to fend off Brian and Kevin started in on how they were distracting the driver and could they please cool it at least until they reached their hotel? And Howie decided that everything was normal, nothing had changed, and agreed to go to the movies with AJ.

**

It turned out that Brian's kiss wasn't as easy to forget as Brian's (Kevin's?) cat.

Howie could make up all of the rationalizations and excuses that he wanted, but that didn't stop him from thinking about it. Especially once he realized that Brian really wasn't making it out to be anything other than a normal show of affection.

Howie spent two days in three different hotel rooms in four different cities pondering why he'd thought it might be anything else.

Howie wasn't lonely. Howie wasn't like the rest of the fellas. He didn't need a constant girlfriend. He didn't need a constant boyfriend. He didn't see the point in dating just so that there was someone there. If anything, it seemed like a waste of time. A few dates here and there that never amounted to anything and enough casual sex to keep him satisfied. Howie thought that was probably the way to go. He didn't think his mother would agree, but luckily he had enough siblings that his mother didn't have to pester him about grandchildren or anything.

There were times though. Times that Howie thought - well, just times that Howie thought, really. About things that weren't ever going to happen.

But the kiss. Howie didn't know what to think, so instead he decided to think that Brian must be psychic. Because there was no way that Brian could know that Howie had been thinking about it again. Brian never knew that Howie had thought about it ever to begin with so he certainly couldn't know that the thought had returned.

"So how goes it in the land of D?" Brian had asked Howie when they'd met at the airport on their way to surprise AJ on Oprah.

Howie had just shrugged and smiled. Hadn't said anything. And Brian had watched him while they'd walked through the terminal to the waiting van, finally sighing and squeezing Howie's shoulder, but not saying anything else.

Maybe Brian really was psychic.

Other than the kiss, Brian didn't seem any different. Touchier maybe. Touchier than he was before the break, but then they were all touchier. It was good to be back.

Brian had also pinched his ass that day. The day of the kiss. But Brian had pinched AJ's ass the week before. Nothing strange there. He's done it to Nick later that day (of the kiss) when Nick was standing around whining about a burnt tongue. Brian must have pinched hard too, because Nick yelped, glared at Brian and then rubbed the spot that Brian had pinched. But it did stop him from whining about his tongue, which Howie figured was Brian's plan. Whatever the case, Nick deserved what he got there. The only reason that his tongue was burnt at all was because on the ride from the hotel that morning he'd asked for a sip of Howie's coffee and then proceeded to chug half the cup. Served him right.

Maybe Brian was kissing them all now. Maybe he'd kissed Nick or AJ in the van right after kissing Howie in the hallway.

Or maybe Brian was finally cracking up.

Maybe Howie was finally cracking up.

If Howie was going to be honest, and Howie wasn't often honest, not with himself, the Backstreet Boys had screwed him up completely to the point where Howie couldn't even remember when it was that he first knew he'd given up.

Maybe Howie was finally cracking.

**

Howie had been sitting at the kitchen counter at 1:30 am when Brian stumbled out of his bedroom, rubbing his hand over his eyes.

"Did I wake you up?" Howie had asked, poking at an empty pizza box that had been sitting there for three days.

"Nngh," Brian grunted in response, shaking his head and pointing toward the bathroom. He shuffled down the hall and shut the door behind him.

Kevin had gone on strike and was refusing to pick up any of the crap that Brian left out, so Howie had a feeling that the pizza box would probably sit on the counter for at least another week before Kevin folded and tossed it into the recycling himself. Or Howie would throw it out as soon as he felt like getting up from the stool. Whichever came first.

The sink was full of dishes and when Howie had arrived back at the apartment the cat was standing over it licking something out of one of the bowls. Gross. But the cat had taken one look at Howie and bolted, rushing off to find one of its numerous hiding places around the apartment and Howie was pretty sure he wouldn't see it again for a week or so. Sometimes Howie worried that the cat would die and no one would know until the smell became so strong that they'd have to evacuate the place. It wasn't his cat though and Brian and Kevin didn't seem too worried about it, so Howie didn't bring up his concerns. And anyway, he didn't think the cat was really even that old.

Howie heard the toilet flush, but didn't look up from the counter until he felt Brian sit down next to him.

"Why are you still up?" Brian asked.

Howie shrugged. "Not tired, I guess."

Brian nodded but continued to sit there. Howie waited for him to pry, waited for him to pull it out of Howie. Karen had broken up with him two hours earlier and it was way too soon for Howie to feel like talking about it. But Brian didn't ask, just sat next to Howie in silence, watching for a little while as Howie played with the corner of the pizza box, and when Howie pushed the box away Brian said "You up for it?" and pointed at the Nintendo.

"Sure," Howie said, and his smile felt like a sigh and really, he hadn't known Brian for that long but he wondered how Brian could already know him so well.

When Kevin stormed into the living room around 2:30 and told them to shut the hell up, Howie turned down the television and apologized, but as soon as the door to Kevin's bedroom shut, Brian burst out laughing, and threw an arm around Howie, pulling him closer on the floor.

"You don't want to talk about it?" Brian asked, when he'd stopped laughing and let Howie go.

"Nah," Howie said. "I feel better."

Brian nodded. "That's 'cause I let you win."

"Yeah, right," Howie said, scrunching up his nose.

"Ok," Brian said, dragging out the oh and winking. "Rematch?"

Howie restarted the game and this time Brian did in fact kick his ass. By the time they'd both started yawning it was getting close to five in the morning. Rehearsal started in a few hours and Howie could already tell that it was going to be Hell. And if Kevin was at all tired due to their racket, it would be like a special never before seen level of Hell. Howie apologized for keeping Brian up and Brian just shrugged and pulled Howie into a long tight hug.

Brian was warm and his hands on Howie's back were soothing. Howie sighed and turned his face in toward Brian's neck, his nose touching Brian's skin. Brian smelled good. Like shampoo and soap and a little like sweat and Howie wasn't going to cry. He wasn't Kevin. But Brian's hands were still moving and Howie did let himself sniffle a little before making himself pull away from Brian, Brian's hands trailing across Howie's back before finally letting go.

Brian smiled as though he understood completely even though Howie knew that Brian had never been dumped at all, not yet, and then Brian pushed himself off the floor and started down the hall toward his room.

"G'night," Brian said, closing his door behind him.

Howie sat there on the floor for another minute and stared at the closed door to Brian's room before getting up and heading to his own.

It wasn't anything. Just a hug, some much needed comfort and some Nintendo. But it was the first time that Howie realized that he was making some truly good friends and more importantly, it was the first time Howie started to think that it actually might be his fault that none of his relationship ever worked out.

**

The second time that Brian kissed Howie was in Japan a little over two weeks after the first kiss.

That morning they'd gotten the inevitable "so who's single" question, and as he had been recently, Howie said that he was dating. He wasn't sure why he said it. He wasn't dating. At least not recently. He'd gone out to dinner with a guy named Ted a few weeks ago, but that was it and it wasn't like he even planned to see Ted again. It had just been dinner, he hardly knew Ted, and at the moment he was literally half way across the world. But Howie said he was dating anyway and there was the usual snort from AJ and the "who?" from Nick even though Nick knew that Howie wouldn't answer that question during the interview even if he was actually dating someone at the time.

After about sixteen (six) more interviews and two (three) hours of signing and posing with the Japanese fans, the fellas were free to relax before the photoshoot, small promotional concert, and radio interview they had lined up the next day.

"Who are you dating?" Nick asked, back at the hotel.

Howie shrugged. "No one."

"Told you," AJ said, nudging Nick with his elbow.

Saying he was single implied that Howie was lonely and looking. He was only lonely sometimes and he'd stopped looking some time back.

AJ was whispering something in Nick's ear and Nick was still staring at him. Howie rolled his eyes.

"Do we have any plans for dinner?" Howie asked.

The mini-conference over, Nick started on a new topic, talking away about some Japanese song they'd heard during their second interview of the day and AJ just shrugged in response.

"Kev knows maybe or has something planned," AJ suggested.

Howie found Kevin in Brian's room.

"Hey, Howie," Brian said, looking up from the small couch when Howie entered. "C'mere."

"What's up?" Howie asked. Brian had a stack of papers and probably questions about the schedule, though Howie thought he was hardly the person to be asking. He crossed the room and sat beside Brian, leaning over to look at the pile of papers in Brian's lap, but the writing was mostly in Japanese.

"Howie," Brian said again and when Howie looked up, Brian pulled at the front of his shirt and closed the already small distance between them and before Howie knew what was happening, Brian's lips were once again pressed against his own.

The kiss lasted a little longer this time, at least Howie guessed it did because he had time to get over the initial shock and actually pay attention to what was happening. And Brian was a really good kisser. Howie was just about to try kissing Brian back when he remembered that Kevin was standing there watching him. Them. Watching them.

He tried to pull away, but Brian wasn't finished, leaning back in to kiss the corner of Howie's mouth before pulling away completely and smoothing out Howie's shirt.

"Brian -" Howie started, not sure what he was actually going to say, but before he even got a chance to work it out, Kevin cut him off.

"I'm getting read to order food," he said, gesturing toward the pile of menus in Brian's lap. "What do you want?"

Howie just stared at Kevin for a moment and Kevin waved again toward Brian's lap, his eyebrows raised, waiting.

"What the heck," Howie said, turning to look at Brian again.

Brian was holding out the sheets of paper. "Wanna look at a menu? I'm getting that one," Brian said, pointing to one of the items. "It's fish and I think it's cooked, but other than that I'm not really sure."

Howie looked from the paper to Brian and back to the paper. When he looked up at Brian again Brian was still watching him and then he flashed that cheesy grin and Howie shook his head, took the menu and held it discretely over his lap. He tried to concentrate on the menu and what he might want off of it, but in the end he was pretty sure that Kevin or Brian picked his dish for him.

The next time they got the question Nick and AJ said that they were dating too. Howie rolled his eyes. They were always poking fun.

**

There was the Backstreet Boys and there was everything before. Those were the chapters of Howie's life. He'd figured it out during the promotion of their Hits record. Backstreet and Before. Howie figured that Brian had three chapters. Backstreet, Before and Leighanne. He guessed AJ had three chapters too and thought that maybe Kevin had four, but Howie only had two.

Howie had just been about to break chapter two into a third but then there was Oprah and Brian calling him every other day to make sure the schedule that Howie had given Brian was right, that nothing else had come up, that he'd be there in the studio on the scheduled day and Howie guessed that maybe the second chapter wasn't finished yet after all.

**

It might have been Brian that made Howie think about the possibility that he was at least bi, but it was Kevin that confirmed it. There was no doubt about it, Kevin was gorgeous. And honestly, after living in a small apartment with Kevin and Brian for so long, Howie was actually surprised to realize that he really hadn't seen Kevin naked before that first week in Europe when Kevin forgot to grab his clothes before he went in to take a shower, and thinking that Howie was still asleep, strolled out of the bathroom with nothing but a towel on his head.

It wasn't like Kevin even had that much hair.

"Whoa," Howie had said, not really because Kevin was naked. He'd seen AJ naked and Brian mostly naked, but it was unexpected nakedness, and Kevin jumped when he realized Howie was in fact awake. He didn't run back into the bathroom or anything though. Instead he just pulled the towel off his head and wrapped it around his waist, but the way Howie remembered it, Kevin did it all very very slowly. Slow enough that each frame was still burned into Howie's memory years later.

"Oh, hey D. I didn't know you were awake."

Kevin was wearing the towel now, but Howie averted his eyes anyway. "Um, yeah. Nicky, um, stopped by to borrow some floss and the knocking woke me up."

Kevin nodded, pulling his clothes from his bag. When he dropped the towel to slip into his briefs, Howie cleared his throat and picked up a magazine from the bedside table. It was in German, but he pretended to read it anyway.

"How was your nap?" Kevin asked, conversationally, and Howie looked up just in time to see the briefs slide over Kevin's ass, and okay, Howie had been around Kevin plenty of times when he was only wearing underwear or swimming trunks, but he still gasped a little when Kevin turned around to face him. Howie was never ever going to be able to look at Kevin the same again, and oh shit, now Kevin was looking at him funny.

"Are you okay?" Kevin asked, and Howie could tell by Kevin's eyebrows that he was at least mildly concerned.

"Fine," Howie said, but his voice squeaked a little when he said it and Kevin just continued to stare. Howie looked back down to his magazine, but he could still feel Kevin's eyes on him. "It's was nothing. Really," Howie continued. "Just, you know, a cramp."

Kevin seemed to accept that and continued putting on his clothes, much to Howie's relief.

Howie had a constant erection for two weeks afterward, and throughout the rest of their European tour he tried to room with AJ as often as possible.

**

The third time it happened Brian wasn't kissing Howie at all.

Howie walked into the green room to find that Brian, AJ and Baylee were the only people there. That in itself was pretty odd, but it still didn't quite prepare Howie for what happened next.

Brian had Baylee propped on one hip. AJ was singing something in a high baby voice, Baylee's small hand wrapped around AJ's fingers. And as AJ waved his arm around and did a little dance, Baylee's giggles got even louder. As Howie watched, Brian leaned forward toward AJ, joining in the little dance and bouncing Baylee a little on his hip. AJ grinned and Brian leaned in and kissed AJ's smiling mouth as Baylee squealed in delight. Brian's kiss was brief, but he stayed close. AJ was grinning at him and waving with Baylee's little arm.

Howie guessed that answered that question. Brian kissed AJ when no one was around too.

He cleared his throat and AJ looked up, breaking eye contact with Brian.

"Oh, hey D," AJ said, waving his arm so that Baylee looked like he was waving to Howie too.

"Hey guys," Howie said, coming further into the green room.

"Howard," Brian said in that tone they all used when they said his full name, but Howie was pretty sure he was talking to Baylee. Baylee reached his hands out and AJ leaned over so that Baylee could play with his stubble.

Howie headed for the food on the other side of the room. He'd missed breakfast and was starving. It was still early, but Howie knew that he'd be having lunch for breakfast. He never understood why these places never set out breakfast for guests. Even at 7 in the morning it was lunchtime. But, before Howie could make it to the table AJ grabbed his arm, pulling him into a one arm hug.

"What's up?" Howie asked, trying to keep one eye on the food, but it was hard not to look at a smiling toddler.

"Say hi to Uncle Howard," AJ said, pulling Howie closer to Baylee. Baylee slapped one of his hands right on Howie's nose and Brian broke out in infectious giggles. Howie couldn't help but join in.

When Howie was again free and out of the room with his peanut butter and jelly sandwich, he tried not to admit to himself how off he suddenly felt. He could still hear AJ, Brian and Baylee laughing in the other room and as he took a bite of his sandwich Leighanne rounded a corner and came toward him, nudging his arm in friendly greeting before she disappeared into the room and her laughter joined theirs.

Howie had always liked Leighanne just fine, but even she seemed friendlier now than she had before. It wasn't that Leighanne was ever unfriendly toward him, just sort of indifferent. Howie guessed it might have something to do with the fact that a month into Brian and Leighanne's relationship, Howie had accidentally called her Leslie. Howie was notoriously bad at names. Actually, Howie was notoriously bad when it came to all the little facts. He was great with the big things though. He was pretty sure of that.

And really, it wasn't even that Howie didn't know. It was a slip of the tongue. A few hours earlier Nick had been telling him a story about his sister and then all of a sudden Leighanne showed up and their names started with the same letter and Howie had slipped.

Leighanne had never said anything, but Howie had a feeling that she was good with grudges. Howie sucked with grudges. So did Nick. Brian could hold a grudge forever, but only if he was really genuinely hurt. Kevin was the master, unless it involved one of the fellas. Then Kevin generally got over whatever it was pretty quickly.

Brian always told Leighanne everything, so Howie guessed that Leighanne had to know about this latest weirdness. Which suggested that there was no weirdness. The weirdness was nothing. Either that or Brian taking over Baylee watch for a bit had given Leighanne such a sense of freedom that she was just too happy to care. Or maybe the weirdness was so weird that Leighanne really didn't know anything about it.

Howie shook his head. He was starting to get the feeling that he was the only weird one around.

"Can I have a bite?" Nick asked, appearing suddenly behind Howie, and no, Howie would never be the only weird one around. How nice of Nick to show up just in time to remind him. Howie smiled and Nick reached over Howie's shoulder for his sandwich.

"Get your own," Howie said, but handed the sandwich to Nick anyway. He didn't expect to get it back.

Nick's arm was wrapped around Howie's neck now and he pulled Howie back into the room where several more people had gathered, including Kevin, Kenneth, and Johnny. Brian, AJ, and Baylee were still playing off in the corner and Leighanne was laughing at them.

Leighanne probably knew. The weirdness was in Howie's head. There was nothing to be weird about.

Howie wasn't sure what upset him more, the fact that there was nothing to be weird about, or the fact that he was more than a little jealous of AJ right then.

**

Howie had kissed AJ once in Europe and at the time he'd blamed it on Kevin. It had been months and Howie was still quietly lusting after Kevin, but then, it'd been almost a year and Howie still felt warm fuzzies in his stomach when Brian looked at him a certain way, so Howie guessed that months were probably nothing.

It was a night off and AJ had followed Kevin and Howie to a local club, which was fine. It wasn't like that hadn't happened before and Denise knew where AJ was. It annoyed Kevin because he felt like it meant he had to babysit, but Howie had no problem hanging out with AJ, allowing Kevin to wander off on his own.

By the end of the evening they were all pretty drunk and AJ was draping himself all over some German guy.

"Who's that?" Kevin asked, pointing to AJ on the dance floor.

"Dunno," Howie said. "Some guy."

"They look close," Kevin pointed out.

"Yeah. I don't think he's ever met that guy before."

Kevin finished Howie's drink for him.

"Are you ready to get out of here?" Kevin asked and Howie nodded because they'd been out later than they'd planned as it was and Howie had a feeling they'd all be hurting in the morning. Kevin started toward AJ, but Howie stopped him with a hand on his shoulder.

"I'll get him. We'll meet you out there."

AJ didn't seem to care when Howie tapped him on the shoulder and started maneuvering him toward the door. He just waved to the German guy and started dancing with Howie instead.

They were still relatively unknown enough that walking to a club close to their hotel hadn't been a problem. Walking back turned out to be a little more difficult, not because they were being stalked by fans or anything, but because none of them could really walk in a straight line, especially AJ.

Kevin walked ahead of them as Howie tried to help AJ as much as he could, which pretty much just meant holding onto AJ's arm. It wasn't really much help at all, but then Howie was drunk too and he'd been staring at Kevin's ass since they'd started walking. He'd tried to think about something else, he'd tried watching the sidewalk for a few minutes, but he just ended up staring back at Kevin, this time while thinking about AJ all over the guy on the dance floor. He didn't think it was much of an improvement.

"Howie," AJ said when Howie had deposited AJ in his bed and was busy kicking off his shoes.

"Yeah?"

"I should have made out with that guy."

"You don't even know that guy," Howie said, disappearing into the bathroom to wash his face.

"I know you," AJ said when Howie emerged from the bathroom again, wiping his face on the bottom of his t-shirt.

"So," Howie said, dumbly. He reached down to pull off AJ's shoes for him.

"So then I should make out with you," AJ said as though it was really that obvious.

"You're drunk."

"And you're not?"

"Smartass," Howie said, slapping AJ's leg.

"Okay," AJ conceded. "Just give me a little good night peck. I'll leave you alone."

Howie rolled his eyes, but he leaned over, planning to press his lips to the corner of AJ's mouth and let that be that, but AJ turned his head at the last second and before Howie knew it he was kissing AJ. Like actually kissing AJ. With tongue and teeth and groping and maybe even a moan or two. And AJ was a good kisser. Way better than he should be at his age. Ten zillion times better than Howie had been. Better than Howie was then even. There was definitely a moan or two involved.

Before Howie pulled away he did actually kiss the corner of AJ's mouth, just like he'd first intended too, but it felt kind of lame after everything. AJ smiled anyway.

"G'night, D."

Howie collapsed into his own bed and waited for his heart to stop racing before answering.

"Night."

Neither of them said anything about it the next morning and Howie chalked it up to too much alcohol and dancing. He'd mostly forgotten about it and gone back to lusting after Kevin by that afternoon. Howie was pretty good at lying to himself.

Howie let AJ fuck him twice during the Black and Blue tour, but Howie was pretty sure that AJ didn't remember that either. Howie didn't plan to bring it up. Ever.

**

"Who was that?" AJ asked, coming up beside Howie as they left the hotel. They'd stayed two days in the same hotel and Howie thought it was probably a record for the last few weeks, but it was time to head to another airport and they were predictably late.

"Who was who?"

"That guy you were just talking to," AJ said in a tone that screamed "duh."

"Craig. Just some guy."

"Are you seeing him?" AJ asked, and Howie squinted at him because AJ almost sounded upset.

"No," Howie said slowly. "I don't even know him. We were just talking."

AJ nodded, seemingly satisfied.

"Why?" Howie asked.

"I just thought that maybe you guys had hooked up or something," AJ said it as though he was just making casual conversation now.

"Would that have been a problem if I did?"

"Possibly," AJ said and then he slapped Howie on the back and rushed to catch up with Brian and Kevin.

What the heck.

Maybe AJ knew Craig, knew something about Craig, or had hooked up with Craig. Howie didn't know and he didn't really care because Howie really had no interest in this Craig guy at all. All Howie knew was that there was something going on in the group that he either wasn't getting or was completely making up and all it was doing was leaving him frustrated and confused. And a little jealous, but he wasn't going to get into that again now.

Howie refused to believe that he was making this weirdness up. Something had changed. Howie decided to ask the last member of the group who might possibly still have some sanity left.

Howie shook his head. What was the world coming to when Howie went to Nick looking for sanity?

"What's up with Brian?" Howie asked, shortly after sitting down next to Nick on the plane.

"There's something wrong with Brian?" Nick asked, looking concerned.

"I don't know. He doesn't seem strange to you?"

Nick shrugged.

"Not a little insane?" AJ seemed a little insane now too, but Brian started it, so Howie figured he'd just stick with that for now.

"I've always thought Brian was a little insane," Nick said with a grin.

"Okay," Howie conceded. Insane wasn't the right word. "I guess, he just seems a little more friendly than usual."

Nick shrugged again. "Brian missed us."

Brian had missed them, sure, but they'd been in the studio for over a year. It wasn't really a good explanation anymore.

Finally Howie just cut to the chase. "Has he been kissing you?"

Nick stared at him for a second and then wrapped an arm around Howie's neck. "Aw, Howie. You're afraid Brian's gonna steal me away from you?" Nick leaned in and planted a wet kiss on Howie's cheek. "I'm not going anywhere, baby."

Howie pushed Nick off and wiped off his cheek with the sleeve of Nick's shirt. He wasn't sure why he ever bothered trying to have a serious conversation with Nick. If Nick Carter was their last link to sanity then they were all doomed.

**

Howie had a feeling that everyone had been a little scared when they realized that Nick had finally mastered the art of flirting. Howie was just the worst when it came to hiding it. As soon as Nick caught Howie blushing that first time, Howie knew he was a goner. It was infuriating in its innocence. And Howie certainly hadn't needed to add another little crush to his queue.

It happened after a particularly long dance rehearsal. Howie had been headed to his car when Nick danced up behind him, bumping right into Howie's back and then staying close.

"You need a ride?" Howie had asked. He vaguely remembered Nick showing up with Brian that morning.

"My car's in the shop," Nick said, still pressed against Howie's back. Nick's arm snaked around Howie's neck, as it tended to do when Nick was anywhere near Howie. He was starting to have a hard time walking while draped in Nick.

"I can give you a lift," Howie offered again.

"I know you can," Nick said, low near Howie's ear.

Howie snorted.

"You smell spicy," Nick continued, and now his nose was touching the skin beneath Howie's ear and Howie was determined to keep walking even if he had to drag Nick with him.

And anyway, he did not. Howie smelled sweaty. They all smelled sweaty.

"You smell sweaty," Howie said, hoping it would get Nick off him, but that was a joke. Telling Nick he smelled never worked, it just increased the chances that at some point Nick would stick an armpit in Howie's face.

Howie was only about ten steps from his car when Nick licked his neck. Howie stopped walking, because Nick wasn't trying to be obnoxious. Nick was tasting him. Howie tried not to shiver and instead shrugged his shoulder to wipe the wet patch on his shirt.

"Nicky," Howie said, pulling at Nick's arm that was still wrapped around him.

Nick just grunted, so Howie started walking again and Nick let Howie tow him to his car.

Howie stopped in front of his car door and waited for Nick to let go.

"Do you want to get home sometime tonight or what?" Howie asked, finally.

"Howard," Nick said and kissed his neck once then twice behind his left ear.

"Nick," Howie said. Nick was always pulling this shit. He didn't do it to Kevin because Kevin would kick his ass and he didn't do it to AJ because AJ would probably try to kiss him back. He didn't do it to Brian because Brian knew all of the best revenge pranks. Howie just blushed and let Nick get away with pretty much whatever he wanted. Howie didn't even think about retaliating until a few years later after he'd learned a thing or two from Brian.

"Howie," Nick said again. Nick was always saying their names. Howie guessed it was probably because generally no one listened to Nick until he tried to get their attention at least three times. "I love you, Howie," Nick said right into Howie's ear and that time Howie did shiver and when Nick tried to nuzzle Howie's neck again Howie sprang into action and finally succeeded in pushing Nick off.

Once Nick had let go Howie could laugh it off, pat Nick on the back and say "I love you too, man" but that was it.

That was when Howie had given up. Howie's queue was full. Nick was the last one and Howie knew that no one else would ever be good enough.

**

There was nothing chaste about the fourth time that Brian kissed Howie.

Howie felt the fingers tugging gently at the hairs at the nape of his neck shortly after he'd climbed into the van and sat in the empty seat beside Kevin.

"Nick," Howie said, but he wasn't at all surprised when the touching didn't stop. The tugging did stop though. The tugging was replaced with the inevitable hands on Howie's shoulders, the fingers kneading Howie's skin through his shirt.

AJ was sick and was coughing up a storm somewhere behind Howie. Kevin was talking to the driver about where they were headed and Nick and Brian were behind him chatting quietly about something that Howie couldn't quite hear over AJ's coughing and wheezing.

The fingers tickled across Howie's neck and Howie scrunched his shoulders.

"Nicky," Howie said again. "Come on."

Howie waited for the pinching to start. When they'd almost reached their hotel and all Howie had had to suffer through was a pleasant massage, he finally turned to see what Nick's problem was. Because if Nick had managed to refrain from poking for this long, there must be something wrong.

Howie turned and found Brian smiling at him where Nick was supposed to be.

"What'd I do?" Nick asked from beside Brian.

"Um, nothing," Howie said. Nick hadn't been doing anything at all.

Howie twisted back around in his seat and found Kevin looking at him expectantly.

"What?"

"We're here," Kevin said.

Their flight back to Florida wasn't for several hours, so they had a bit of down time to pack and do whatever else they needed to get done. Howie thought that maybe he should go talk to Brian or something but instead he lounged around and read the phonebook. Howie liked to look up each of their names just so he'd know how many Doroughs and McLeans lived in each city. Sometimes when he'd get somewhere that they'd already been a few times he'd recognize names on the list. Once in a while he even thought about giving a few of them a call.

Howie had finished with the phonebook and was just settling in for a bit of TV when there was a knock at his door.

A quick glance through the peephole told Howie that it was exactly the person he wasn't expecting.

Brian.

"What's up?" Howie asked, moving aside to let Brian into the room.

"Sorry about the van," Brian said.

Howie shook his head and shrugged, folding his arms over his chest.

"Nothing to apologize for. It felt good," Howie admitted honestly. "I was just waiting for Nicky to start pinching me or something.

Brian smiled. "I was just waiting," he repeated.

"Huh?" Brian said, dumbly, just standing there as Brian closed the space between them.

Brian's lips pressed against his again and it was starting to feel familiar. Brian's body was pushed up against him and the only thing separating them now were the arms still crossed over Howie's chest.

Howie was getting used to being taken by surprise and Brian was clearly both psychic and insane. And when Howie parted his lips just a little, Brian was quick to take advantage of the opportunity. Howie never would have guessed that choirboy Brian Littrell could be such a lewd kisser, but Howie was suddenly glad that his arms were crushed between them, both because of what he might be doing with them if they weren't and because of that extra bit of space between them.

That wasn't right. Not at all, and Howie was suddenly really inconvenienced by the fact that his arms were crushed between them.

"You're insane," Howie said when Brian finally released him. There was no doubt in Howie's mind. Brian was cracking up.

"C'mon," Brian said, slinging one of Howie's bags over his shoulder and grabbing Howie's hand. "Ken sent me to tell you it was time to get moving."

**

"So," Brian had said, trying to strike up a conversation in the car on the way to the show. Kevin and Nick were meeting them there.

"So," Howie repeated.

"You think AJ will be happy to see us?"

"I hope so." He figured that AJ would be happy as long as AJ didn't cry. If AJ got teary on television he might get a little upset about it afterward, but then again he might not. He probably wouldn't. AJ was different now. And it was Oprah. AJ would probably end up crying on television even if they weren't on their way to surprise him. "Kevin's going to cry."

"Yeah," Brian agreed.

"I missed you," Brian said after a few more minutes. Howie turned to look at him.

"I missed you guys too," Howie agreed. He'd seen Brian once or twice in the last year, but it wasn't the same. Not with any of the fellas.

"I feel a little lost without it, you know?" Brian said suddenly, and Howie wasn't sure, but it sounded almost more like a question, like Brian was only saying it to figure out why Howie was being so quiet. Like Brian was trying to get Howie to admit how lost he was without them there.

"I know," Howie said. He'd been thinking it for two years at least. "There's something missing."

"Are you seeing anyone?" Brian asked and Howie scrunched up his face because it wasn't really what he'd expected to come next.

"Nah," Howie said. "I've been busy, you know, with stuff."

Brian nodded as though that was exactly what he'd expected Howie to say and Howie spent the rest of the car ride wondering if maybe he should have made someone up. It was easy to make up a name, a few facts about a person, and it's not like he and Brian saw each other often. But Howie had a feeling Brian would know anyway. AJ was the only one that was ever able to lie to Brian with any success.

Howie hadn't really expected going on Oprah would be anything except a nice gesture for AJ. Even afterward when they'd all talked it out and concluded that maybe it was time to try it all again, even then Howie didn't expect much to come out of it for a few months at least. They worked on Backstreet Time after all, and Kevin and Nick were both still tied up in other projects.

Howie didn't expect Brian to start calling and pushing things along less than two weeks after they'd decided it was time. Howie'd thought it would have to be him. Give it a few months and then he'd start making the hints, getting things in order, but Brian was ready and Brian didn't want to wait.

**

The day that Brian decided he was only going to speak in song lyrics was the day that Howie finally snapped.

It started as soon as they'd all arrived that morning, the third day of rehearsing for the rapidly approaching tour.

Brian walked in, threw his sweatshirt on a chair, went right up to AJ and said "So," as though he was about to say something really important, "Tell me what it is that keeps us from each other now."

AJ blinked at him, pulled his baseball cap down on his forehead and said "Shut up."

"You're coming to get me," Kevin filled in, singing the part and AJ just glared at him. Kevin was never allowed to be in an overly good mood while AJ was still groggy. At least Howie guessed that would be a rule except that he couldn't remember it ever happening before.

It was going to be an odd (and long) rehearsal.

At first it was just Brian being characteristically strange. They didn't catch on to the trend until the fourth time Brian did it. That was when they realized that the only words coming out of Brian's mouth were "yes," "no" and lyrics.

"I hate you," AJ said an hour before lunch. Kevin laughed and AJ shot him a look.

"It's all so dark and mysterious when the one you want doesn't want you," Brian said dramatically, clutching his hands to his chest as though trying to hold together his broken heart. It just made Kevin laugh harder.

Nick rolled his eyes and smiled at Howie.

"Kev's in a good mood today," Nick said, coming to sit beside Howie during their first morning break.

"Nicky," Howie warned, eyeing Nick suspiciously.

"What?" Nick asked, his hand flying to his neck as he tried to look innocent.

"He's in a good mood. That doesn't mean that gives you permission to start picking or pranking or whatever it is you're thinking of doing to him."

"You've got me actin' like a fool," Brian agreed, but the way he was looking at Nick suggested to Howie that Brian wasn't actually agreeing with him.

"No shit," AJ grumbled, but he still smiled a little when Brian grabbed him around the waist, squeezing him from behind.

After lunch they had a meeting with Johnny and Jared to finalize any last minute costume changes. Jared seemed thrown a little by Brian's input ("I know you will be forever in my life," Brian said with a hand on Howie's knee while he looked right at Jared) but Johnny just nodded and continued talking, unfazed. Howie guessed he'd probably had to put up with much stranger things than Brian Littrell acting like an idiot throughout his career. Hell, Johnny had to put up with worse from them ten years ago. At least now no one would dare dump a laxative in his coffee.

Once the meeting was over it was back to running through vocal arrangements, the one part of the day when Brian seemed normal, but as soon as Kevin (music director Kevin, not Kevin Kevin) stood up and said "Take fifteen, guys," Brian was at it again as though he was still rehearsing and they weren't on break at all. Except that Brian was seriously speaking his lines and not singing.

By ten minutes into their fifteen even Nick had had enough. Nick gave him a run for his money, but Brian would always be the master.

"Howie," Nick whined, poking Howie in the back with his microphone. "Howie."

"Nick?" Howie asked, grabbing Nick's arm and twisting it so that Nick was poking himself with his microphone instead.

"Shut him up, Howie. He listens to you."

"He does not," Howie said, but he started toward Brian anyway.

"After all this time my heart still burns for you," Brian said sincerely when Howie reached him.

"Brian," Howie started.

"I would do it all again," Brian said, nodding.

"You're driving us all nuts," Howie reasoned.

"Let me be your guarantee," Brian said after he'd pretended to think about it for a few seconds and Howie squinted at him, because there was something in Brian's smile that Howie couldn't quite read.

"Seriously," Howie insisted. "AJ's going to kill you if you keep it up."

"I would take the fall," Brian said, and Howie didn't think he imagined the invitation in Brian's eyes that time at all. Howie didn't say anything, so Brian continued.

"I found my inspiration hiding in your expression," Brian explained. He reached out to tug affectionately on Howie's shirt.

And that was it. Howie snapped. Or not snapped. Not in the way that Kevin would snap anyway. Howie wasn't angry. Howie was cracking up.

He thought he caught a small triumphant smirk flash across Brian's face as he leaned in, but it was gone to quickly to be sure and then Howie was there, one hand in the hair at Brian's neck,

It was the first time that Howie had ever kissed Brian.

Howie had kissed AJ. He'd spent years thinking about kissing Kevin. He'd been licked by Nick and he'd been kissed by Brian. Somehow this kiss was like all of them wrapped into one. He kissed Brian like AJ had kissed him, like he'd always wanted to kiss Kevin and Nick, like he'd thought he should have that night after Brian had closed the door to his bedroom and Howie had sat there on the living room floor with a video game controller still in his hand. Howie kissed Brian like he should have way back then. Because this was it. This was his chance. Brian was giving it to him and it was now and it was public and it was the hottest few seconds of Howie's life to date and Howie could feel Nick's eyes on him, hot on his skin and that made it better and that made it worse and somewhere in the background AJ was saying something but Howie's heart was pounding in his ears and Brian's tongue was in Howie's mouth and Howie was in love and didn't give a fuck who knew. He was in love with them all.

Howie thought the pounding would stop when Brian pulled away, but it didn't, not quite, and for a fraction of a second Howie wondered if a kiss could make someone go deaf.

"Brian," Howie said, kissing Brian's lower lip and pulling back again. He'd heard himself all right. He could hear Brian's quiet breathing and then he started to hear everything else. People milling around, AJ yelling something to Nick, Kevin's voice getting closer.

Brian was still right there, his mouth only inches from Howie and when he spoke it sounded loud, amplified: "Without you all I'm going to be is -" "Oh god," AJ said (Oh God, Howie thought), from somewhere nearby. If Howie had been thinking clearly he probably would have been worried that AJ was about to start banging his head against a wall or something, but Howie wasn't thinking clearly at all and therefore thought nothing. Oh God.

"Incomplete," Kevin sang and he was right next to them now, patting Brian on the shoulder. Break was over and Music Director Kevin was waving to them from the stage. Time to get back to work.

"Nice try, Howie," Nick said, giving Brian a little shove as he followed him back toward the stage. No one was saying anything. No one was even looking at them strangely. Howie felt a little nauseous as he followed behind Nick and Brian.

Howie was no longer sure if he was cracking up or catching on.

**

Howie had spent a year thinking he'd lost them. Howie was good at lying to himself but when he had to spend months and months as a go between it started to get a lot harder. Howie was pretty sure that for a while there he was the only one keeping them together. He thought it was because he had the most to lose.

He tried to take advantage of the break to try to get over all of the little hang-ups he'd developed over the previous ten years. It hadn't worked. If anything, distance made it all worse. Howie would never get over these hang-ups. He was pretty sure that he didn't want to.

Howie might not need a constant boyfriend or a constant girlfriend, but he needed the Backstreet Boys.

**

The fifth time that Brian kissed Howie it was because Howie asked him to.

"What are you, psychic?" Howie questioned Brian in the hotel the night before they kicked off the tour. No one had said anything about the last kiss, which wasn't that surprising because no one had said anything about any of the others either. It was different though. Howie felt more fragile now. A little overexposed. Howie was having a hard time not being honest with himself and as a result he spent a lot of time watching Brian and a lot of time trying not to obviously watch Kevin, Nick and AJ.

"Who?" Nick asked. He was sprawled across Brian's bed flipping channels on the television. "Brian?"

Nick's shirt was bunched up, exposing a nice strip of tanned back. Howie wasn't looking.

Kevin was hunched over on Brian's couch, going over their schedule for the next few weeks. AJ had stepped out, presumably to get something from his own room. He'd be back. It was a ritual. They all stayed in the same room the night before a tour started. Kevin had already claimed the couch and there was a pile in the corner of bed linens from everyone's rooms. Howie felt sorry for the hotel staff, but he figured they probably expected a mess and at least they wouldn't be leaving the hotel with cigarette burns in the furniture and empty liquor bottles littered all over the floor.

Nick shifted and his pants rode down a little lower exposing even more skin and okay, Howie was totally staring at Nick. He wasn't sure how long he'd been doing it.

"Yep," Brian said, and he was just now answering the question so it couldn't have been more than a few seconds since Howie had asked it. When Howie looked up, Brian was wearing that grin of his and somehow Howie still had no idea if he was serious or not, but he was getting to the bottom of it. Howie was done playing games.

"Really? Cool. What am I thinking right now?" Nick asked, pinching his eyes shut and pointing his fingers at his forehead. Nick was never done playing games.

"Hm," Brian said, contemplating it. He tapped his finger against his chin for emphasis, then his eyes widened momentarily and the grin was back. "Nah. Howie would blush if I said it out loud."

Nick opened his eyes and dropped his hands back to the bed.

"Wow," he said and they were lying but Howie could feel his cheeks getting warm anyway. Brian had seen Howie looking at Nick and Nick probably knew too.

"Brian's not psychic," Kevin said from the couch, as though Nick was actually buying it. "He's just an idiot."

Brian laughed and Nick shifted on the bed again, rolled onto his side and ran a hand across his stomach underneath his t-shirt. And then he looked at Howie and that was so absolutely on purpose and Nick smiled as though to confirm it. Brian was sitting on the bed now too, leaning against Nick and he too was looking up at Howie and Howie's thought it during rehearsal and only believed it for a second, but now Howie thought he really was starting to get it.

"Kiss me," Howie said.

"Why?" Brian asked, as though it was so strange. As though it hadn't happened several times already.

"Brian," Howie said, exasperated, and even he had to admit that it was almost a whine.

"Howard," Nick said from behind Brian.

Brian reached out a hand and Howie took it and let Brian pull him onto the bed. Howie was pretty much sitting in Brian's lap and he didn't think it was a bad place to be at all. Not at all. Howie didn't think that anything could be better than the last kiss he'd shared with Brian. He didn't think it was possible, but it turned out that it was. The kisses started out small, short soft pecks across Howie's mouth and then Howie pushed forward, insistent, his lips sliding across Brian's as though this would be Howie's last chance. As though Howie was starving for Brian's touch. Howie kind of thought he probably was.

"Nice," Nick breathed from somewhere nearby and Howie had almost forgotten that Nick was there, that Kevin was there, because Brian's tongue was once again engaging Howie in that lewd dance and Howie was fairly certain that he could find release in that alone.

He didn't get to test that theory because someone was moving behind him and then Brian was letting him go.

Howie wasn't surprised when Brian released him and Howie turned to find Kevin standing there. Kevin touched Howie's shoulder and it was all the invitation needed for Howie to lean in.

"I take it he's finally catching on," Howie heard AJ say from somewhere behind him. He wasn't even sure when AJ had come back into the room, but he was pretty sure it didn't matter when Kevin's lips were pressed against his and Kevin's hands were sliding down his arms, his fingers twisting in Howie's shirt, rubbing against Howie's skin. Kevin was wrong, Brian was psychic and Howie was an -

"Wait," Howie said, pulling away from Kevin's kiss. Kevin made a noise of disappointment and Nick echoed it from somewhere behind Howie. "Did you mean that I'm an idiot?"

Kevin didn't say anything but Brian was laughing again.

"I'm cracking," Howie said. They were all insane. They always had been. "How did you know?"

"Who are you dating, Howie?" Nick asked and when Howie turned to see Brian kissing along Nick's collarbone he was pretty sure something in his brain shorted.

"No one," Howie said when he could form words again. "You know that."

Kevin's hands were still on him, sliding along the edge of Howie's jeans. Howie was having a hard time concentrating.

"But you're dating," AJ said.

"No," Howie shook his head and then he stopped because he was kissing AJ now. Again. He was dating.

There was something else that Howie meant to say. Something else that he'd meant to tell AJ.

"I caught on years ago," Howie said between kisses. Howie had been waiting forever. Forever plus one. "I didn't think you'd ever get it. You're the one catching up." Catching on. Cracking up.

"Shut up," AJ said.

"Okay."

Kissing AJ sober was so much better than kissing AJ drunk and kissing AJ drunk had been pretty damn good. Allowing himself to want Nick, to have Nick while Nick kissed and nuzzled his neck was so much sexier than trying to wriggle away. Kevin naked on purpose was even hotter than Kevin naked by mistake and kissing Kevin was far better than any fantasy Howie had ever had about kissing Kevin. Kissing Brian when he knew that Brian meant it was quite possibly the best thing that had ever happened to Howie. Ever.

Howie still didn't know who that cat went home with when they'd moved out of their shared apartment. He sometimes forgot Kevin's birthday and he'd once screwed up Leighanne's name. But there was no way Howie was ever going to forget this.

There had been two chapters in Howie's life, but AJ was pushing Howie down on the bed and Kevin was taking off his shoes and now Howie was starting to think that maybe it was time to add another. There was the Backstreet Boys and there was before. And now there was June and Everything After.

Nick kissed Howie's ear and started pulling Howie's shirt up and over his head and Howie thought it was probably a good sign that so far he'd liked each chapter better than the last.