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>> the scenario The Difference by zoicite How to Stop a Runaway One-Horse Open Sleigh: Step 1 - Stay in the Sleigh It starts again with five full grown men packed onto a one-horse open sleigh in the middle of September. "Let's have the photoshoot on a beach," Kevin said months before they even had to schedule it. "Just to be contrary." Kevin hates Christmas carols and only agreed to record the album in the first place because Brian got Baylee to hug him and then ask him nicely. The ultimate manipulation. Not even Kevin can resist that. Nick isn't sure that anyone can. Kevin had conditions though. Traditional Christmas carols. No cheesy pop tunes. No one argued. In the end the album ended up being ten well known songs, four of them a cappella, and two new tasteful songs written by Brian. They put together the final line up a week before the photoshoot for the album's cover. Johnny laughed at Kevin's beach idea and promised a tasteful winter scene. "There better not be Santa hats," AJ grumbled and at the time Nick laughed. He laughs even harder when they arrive at the shoot to find snow, a horse, a sleigh, and a poor wardrobe girl clutching five Santa hats in her hands. The whole thing is, however, set up on a beach. "You almost got what you wanted," Brian points out. "No," Kevin says, immediate and stern, and sends the poor wardrobe girl to find Johnny or the photographer or whoever is willing to listen and make the necessary changes. They manage to talk the photographer out of the hats, but it's too late. Kevin and AJ are officially pissy and will probably stay that way for the rest of the evening. Definitely for the rest of the time that they have to sit around, squished together on a one-horse open sleigh on a beach in the middle of September. "I have Jingle Bells in my head," Nick says, but he doesn't dare start singing. He isn't stupid. He knows what will earn him a smack on the back of the head. "Me too," Brian says and pulls up the sleeve of his coat to look at his watch. They are waiting for the right light. The photographer wants dusk and Nick figures they probably have another fifteen minutes at least. "Shut up," AJ grumps. One of the assistants brings Howie tea and he smiles at her and cups it in his hands as though it's actually cold and they need winter coats and steamy tea. They're squished on a sleigh in a patch of fake snow with the waves crashing behind them. The photoshoot is wack and Nick is sweltering. "He's so pleasant," Brian says, nudging Nick and nodding toward AJ, but Brian is sounding pretty grouchy now too, possibly because the photographer forced him back onto the sleigh after Brian hopped off to stretch his legs and ended up kicking sand at Kevin. Kevin and AJ are arguing over some Nicholas Cage movie they saw the night before. A fan was hitting on AJ in line for popcorn and AJ gave her his number and let her and her friends sit with them and then kissed her during the movie and only afterward found out that she was 16. AJ had enough lectures on responsibility years ago, and Nick knows how that is, but even Nick thinks that starting a running tally of every single thing that Kevin has ever done wrong in all the years they've known each other is a bit too much. Funny as hell, but too much. AJ ran out of fingers and toes five minutes ago and Kevin looks like smoke is about to come out of his ears. It's a stupid fight and they're mostly only arguing to pass the time. It's not like a few years ago when something like this would have had them literally at each other's throats for weeks. AJ knows he fucked up, but Kevin being Kevin feels that it's his right to give AJ grief. It is his right, really. He's Kevin. They get that. Nick pinches the back of Howie's neck, trying to lighten the mood a little, but Howie jumps and spills tea all over his coat. Howie swears and brushes himself off, and Kevin snaps at Nick and then turns and accidentally elbows AJ. At least it looks accidental. AJ kicks Kevin's shin like they are twelve years old, prompting Brian to suggest that they either cool it or take it to the make-up trailer. "You'd like that, wouldn't you," AJ says and that's when the yelling really starts. Now Brian's kind of angry too, which is just great. AJ just managed to pushed them from stupid bickering to actual argument. Actual arguments make Nick nervous. "This is stupid. Come on, guys," Nick says, looking to Howie for support. Howie's good at this kind of thing. Howie's way to preoccupied with the tea on his coat to pay any attention to what's going on in the sleigh. Nick can't tell who shoves who first, but the sleigh is small and eventually someone knocks into Nick. Nick trips over Howie's feet and stumbles, falling into the poor wardrobe girl who'd just climbed into the sleigh to help Howie into a dry new coat. The girl shrieks and Nick whips around in time to see her arms flail and her horrified face as she falls backward off the sleigh. Luckily there are two horse guys standing right beside the sleigh who manage to break her fall. Unluckily, one of the horse guys shouts and his arm hits the horse as he goes down. The horse, already agitated, bolts. Brian yells and falls back onto the bench. Kevin is shouting something but Nick can't hear him. They run out of fake snow almost immediately and the sleigh jumps as it hits the sand, but the horse doesn't slow down. They hit a rock or a boat or a log and Howie yells and then AJ is shouting and Nick turns to see Howie rolling in the sand, becoming smaller as the horse seems to pick up its pace. "Stay in the sleigh," Kevin barks, and tightens his grip on AJ's arm. AJ's eyes are as big as dinner plates, and Nick collapses onto the bench beside Brian and holds on. Nick couldn't remember exactly how they got there. Two shows left in Japan and then they were free. Free for a month and then it was time to head back into the studio and start the follow-up to Black and Blue, but a month was a month and they were counting the minutes. Two shows left in Japan and none of them could stand each other for more than ten minutes at a time. Fights were frequent and nasty and usually they just tried to speak as little as possible. It made it easier to like each other during those moments when they had to. Fights were frequent enough that Nick couldn't remember what started the particular fight of the day. One second Brian was shutting the door and Nick was screaming at Kevin for something typically Kevin and the next thing Nick knew Kevin had him pressed against the wall, Kevin's entire forearm pushing against Nick's chest. Nick braced himself, waited for Kevin to hit him, waited for Howie or Brian to intervene, but they just stood there and Nick wasn't sure that he didn't deserve to be punched. He wasn't sure he didn't want it. He leaned in closer, got right up in Kevin's face and said "I hate you." He made sure to look Kevin in the eyes while he said it. Eyes were a big thing with Kevin. And that was when Kevin kissed him. It wasn't what Nick expected but it didn't feel too much different than a punch in the gut, really. The element of surprise was definitely greater. Kevin's arm had Nick pinned to the wall and Kevin's mouth demanded entry. Nick was too shocked not to respond and too turned on not to make a small noise while Kevin was licking into his mouth. It wasn't until he felt Kevin's teeth on his lower lip that Nick decided it was way past the time when he should have started struggling. Kevin released him. Nick rubbed a hand over his mouth and then licked his lips and looked around the room. Howie's mouth was hanging open and Brian was standing with his hand on AJ's arm. He looked like he wanted to turn away. He looked like he couldn't turn away. Brian looked trapped. Nick didn't want to look at Kevin, but Nick was trapped too and Kevin was still standing close, still had Nick pressed against the wall even though he wasn't touching Nick at all anymore. "the fuck?" Nick said, mostly to himself. Kevin had one arm crossed over his chest and the fingers of his other hand were at his mouth. Kevin was a good kisser. Nick really didn't need to know that. "Fuck," he said again, trying to sound less turned on and more pissed off. The way Howie was staring at him he was pretty sure it wasn't working. "Shut up," AJ said from behind Kevin. "Go to hell," Nick said. Kevin had been staring at his mouth, but now he looked right at Nick. Oh God. "Shut the fuck up," Kevin said and then Nick was moving. There were sirens going off in his brain but he never fucking listened and then he was kissing Kevin again, his hands gripping Kevin's arms too tightly, his fingers tangled in the sleeves of Kevin's shirt. Kevin was a fucking awesome kisser and it was so messed up and Nick hated Kevin even more and that just made it better. Hotter. By the time Howie got over his shock and made a move to intervene, Kevin's hands were kneading Nick's ass and it was so fucked up and so not right and Nick growled into his kiss loving every fucked up second. "Guys," Howie said, immediately grabbing Kevin's hands to remove them from Nick and Nick broke the kiss in protest. He was about to tell Howie to fuck off, to fuck himself, but he didn't get the chance to do much of anything before Kevin had released him completely and turned his focus entirely to Howie. "I hate you," Nick said again to Kevin's back. He pulled down his t-shirt and rubbed his arms and that was when he noticed that Brian was still staring at him. "I'm fucking sick of everyone." "I'm sick of you," Brian said and Nick couldn't tell if Brian meant it (he probably did. It had been a long tour. They all meant it.) or if Brian was just repeating Nick. Nick flinched anyway. Nick had a feeling that AJ was more sick of them than anyone, but it was AJ who pulled Nick down into his next kiss, his hands on either side of Nick's face. Nick went willingly enough. Nick had kissed AJ before, while they were drunk. One of Nick's girlfriends was into that and AJ was willing to do anything during those nights. They hadn't done anything. Just that one kiss. This kiss was better. Nick wasn't numb this time around. He hoped it was better for AJ too before he remembered that he was sick of them and hated them and wanted nothing more than for the fucking tour to be over already. He pushed AJ away, wiped the back of his hand across his mouth and said "Get away from me." AJ said something back, but Nick wasn't listening. Brian was still staring at him and standing in the same damn spot he'd been in since they'd all shut themselves away to duke it out or whatever they'd planned to do. They hadn't planned this. Nick hadn't anyway. Maybe it was Kevin's grand master plan. Nick didn't know. "This isn't," Brian said, finally moving to come closer to Nick. Nick could hear the rest of the fellas behind them, heard Howie groan and AJ mumble something and then Brian was right up next to him and he said it again. "Stop." "I'm not doing anything," Nick said. He wasn't, not right then. Nick reached out to push at Brian's shoulder, not hard and not in anger, just because that was the kind of thing Nick did. Brian grabbed a hold of Nick's hand before it could connect with Brian's shoulder, instead pulled Nick in toward him and kissed the corner of Nick's mouth. Quick, to the point, and then Brian was done and taking a step back away from Nick, once again looking lost. Screw that. "Brian," Nick said. He managed to recapture Brian's attention and Brian stood there and let Nick get closer, let Nick kiss him and kissed Nick back. Brian's kiss wasn't angry like Kevin's or sure like AJ's. Brian's kiss was light, detached, and scared. What did Brian think this was? Nick kissed Brian harder, his hand finding its way to the back of Brian's neck, pulling him in closer. Brian's eyes were closed and he murmured something into Nick's mouth. Nick couldn't understand it, but he took advantage of the moment, slipped inside and licked Brian's canines, tasted the gum that Brian had offered him a piece of before the yelling had started. Brian gasped at the invasion and then broke away, ripped Nick's hand from the back of his neck. Brian moved fast and Nick's cheek was on fire before he even registered what had happened. "You fucking slapped me," he said, his hand flying to his face. Brian didn't apologize. "Fuck," Nick said. It hadn't been hard. It didn't even hurt that badly, but that wasn't really the point. The point was that Brian was a fucking freak and Nick was fucking sick of them all. "What the fuck?" "Stop," Brian said and then his hand was on top of Nick's, caressing Nick's red cheek. Or possibly Brian hadn't even hit hard enough for Nick's cheek to be red. It felt a little red. And with Brian's fingers running over his skin, Nick was failing miserably at pretending that this wasn't turning him on. He had a feeling that trying was only making his cheeks even brighter. "I'm so fucking sick of all of you," Nick said, but it sounded like a lie now and Brian's hand was still on his cheek. "I'm so fucking sick of this tour." That at least sounded a little true. "Me too," Brian said, and then Brian kissed him. "Nick," Brian says. Nick grabs his knee. "Howie-" "He was getting up," Nick says. Nick can hardly hear himself over Kevin and AJ shouting at each other. "Grab the reins!" Kevin booms, but he still has one hand with a tight grip on AJ's arm and he doesn't seem to realize that it's stopping both of them from doing anything effective. "I'm trying," AJ snaps, and then shakes his arm hard until Kevin finally lets go. AJ looks around and then turns to look back at Brian and Nick before nudging Kevin, his hands up in the air helplessly. "Where are the reins?" "I don't know," Kevin admits. "Shit," Nick says. If Kevin doesn't know what the hell reins are and where they might be located, they're absolutely screwed. "He has to get tired sometime right?" AJ asks, looking back at Nick and Brian. He's gripping the front of the sleigh and trying not to fall over with every bump. "It can't be easy pulling us over sand, can it?" Brian shrugs. They're near the surf and the sand is damp and packed pretty well and the horse doesn't seem to be having too many problems with it at all. "We could jump off," AJ suggests, looking over the edge. They hit a rock or a piece of driftwood or something and the horse jerks back and Nick thinks this might be it. They're stuck and they're stopping, but no, the sleigh frees itself and jolts forward. "Shit," Nick says again and grips Brian's knee harder to keep from flying out of his seat. AJ falls back into him, pressing him into Brian and Nick's hand slips from Brian's knee and up his thigh. "We're not jumping," Kevin says, slapping AJ's arm after regaining his balance. "I guess we wait it out then," AJ says, slapping Kevin back. Nick's not really paying attention to them anymore. Nick's paying more attention to AJ's weight pressing against him and to his hand, still high on Brian's thigh. Brian's kind of hard. Brian wasn't speaking to anyone unless they had an interview, a video camera was rolling somewhere, or they had to be onstage. Howie's face was constantly red and he seemed to have developed a twitch. A different twitch than the one he already sort of had. Kevin walked around looking guilty and tired and sullen. They all looked tired but Kevin looked the worst. AJ just looked hungry. Nick had no idea how he looked, but he was pretty sure it wasn't normal. Despite it all, their last show in Japan went off without a hitch. They were awful actors, but okay when it counted. Brian only ran away from Nick once on stage and it looked completely normal and routine. He let Nick wrap an arm around his neck and Nick sang and sang and tried not to think about the fact that he'd fucked his best friend. He poked Howie and tried not to think about the fevered things that Howie's mouth had done to him or the way that he'd moaned. He played playstation with AJ and Marcus and Raul and tried not to think about the things that they must have pretended they weren't hearing while standing outside of that door. "This is fucking fucked up," AJ said, before they went onstage that last time. He handed Nick a bottle of water and when his fingers accidentally brushed Nick's hand, they both jumped. "Yeah," Nick said and left to find someplace safer. Brian spent most of those few days on his cellphone. Nick rode to the airport with Kevin the morning after their last concert. Brian was supposed to be with him, but there was only Kevin when Nick climbed into the van. "Where is he?" he asked, already knowing the answer. He'd watched Howie and AJ get into the other van. He knew Brian wasn't with them. "Earlier flight," Kevin said. "Do you think -" "He just needs time." Kevin looked guiltier than ever and Nick was quiet the rest of the way to the airport. Nick pretended to fall asleep as soon as the plane left the ground. "Um," Nick says, quickly moving his hand from Brian's lap. He pushes at AJ, trying to get AJ off of him, but AJ is still too busy yelling about what to do next to concentrate on standing up. Suddenly Brian jumps and moves away from them both, shouting "guys! There!" and pointing to a knob at the front of the sleigh. The reins are tied there in a neat knot. Probably to keep them out of the way for the photoshoot. "duh," AJ says, finally trying to climb out of Nick's lap. Kevin starts untying the reins, his tongue sticking out as he works the knot. AJ pushes against Nick's hip and Nick grunts and shoves AJ off of him. "Let me do it," AJ says, grabbing the front of the sleigh to keep his balance, one hand trying to get at the knot. "I've got it," Kevin snaps and pushes AJ's hands away. "Just pull while it's tied up." "I've got it," Kevin says again. AJ rips off his coat and throws it off the sleigh, shifting his now bare shoulders and yanking a little at his tank top. "This is so stupid," AJ says, sighing and letting Kevin handle the whole reins thing. "'tis the season," Kevin grumbles, finally getting the knot loose. "got it." Nick shifts uncomfortably and looks at Brian. They've been trapped in this sleigh for way too long. It's probably been a few minutes at most, but they're the slowest few minutes of Nick's life and Brian is looking sheepish and shrugging at him. Nick frowns. Between AJ squirming all over in his fucking lap and the knowledge that Brian is somehow aroused by all this, Nick isn't thinking much about the sleigh at all anymore. Brian slouches a little on the seat and his knee bumps Nick's. Brian unzips his coat, but doesn't fling it over the side of the sleigh or even move to take the damn thing off. Brian's gotta be frying in there. Nick is. Even more so now because now Nick's kind of hard too. Great. A month wasn't nearly long enough. Nick sat around on the beach, watched a lot of television. Spent a lot of time rationalizing things and failing to rationalize things and only a few times jerked off to moments he was trying to put far behind him. He'd made sure to have sex with a few girls after that, just to make sure. Most importantly, Nick completely avoided the fellas. Which was easy since they were all avoiding him. It probably wasn't a very smart idea though. Avoidance. It certainly didn't help when it came time to get back into the studio. They had a few songs and they started recording them, but it wasn't going well. Someone was always off their game. It didn't sound right and tensions were still high. Even Howie was snapping at them. It was several weeks into the process and it didn't seem to be getting any easier and Jive approached Nick about a solo album. Nick wanted it, he needed the extra time and he especially needed the distance. He was just waiting for the right time to tell the others. He'd just wait a few more days. In the meantime he sang with them and he hoped that things would work themselves out. They were all that Nick could remember and even with all the shit, they were a hell of a lot better than what was left without them. Sometimes Nick thought that it was all hurting him the most. Sometimes he hated Kevin for starting it all, for pushing him against that wall, for loving him. After everything Nick wasn't even sure if that had been about love. It was kind of mostly about anger. Nick was pretty sure that he had the most to lose. Brian was reacting the most dramatically, but Nick had a feeling he was the most frightened by it all. Then Nick would look at Howie and think they were probably all in the exact same boat. And it was sinking. That was fucking cheesy and when Nick smiled, Howie smiled back. That was something. And then Brian said "I think I might be done." "For the day?" Kevin asked, looking up from the sound board. It had been a rough morning and Kevin looked tired. "Forever," Brian amended. "We're under contract," Kevin said, reasonably. He dismissed Brian and turned back to the dials. "We have to do this." "The Backstreet Boys do," Brian said, standing up from where he'd been sitting for most of the morning. "I don't." "What's that supposed to mean?" Nick asked, suddenly realizing that Brian was actually serious. "We aren't doing it without you," Kevin said. "What do you mean?" Nick asked again. He was starting to feel a little panicked and he took a deep breath and blinked hard, but it didn't help. "You'll have to," Brian said, reasonably. He shrugged and refused to look at any of them. Nick couldn't take his eyes off Brian. He was afraid to look at Howie. Howie had always been as frightened as he was. "Don't be an idiot," Kevin said. "You have a responsibility." Brian closed his eyes and clenched his fists. "I have to do this," he insisted. "Brian," AJ said, his hand coming to rest reassuringly on Brian's shoulder. "Come on." "Don't," Brian said, his entire body tense. "Let's talk about this," AJ continued. His hand squeezed Brian's shoulder. Brian shook AJ off, the push a little rougher than necessary. He folded his arms over his chest. "Don't touch me." AJ threw his hands up in the air, suddenly frustrated, and took a few steps back. Nick winced. A month wasn't nearly long enough. "Please," Brian added, and then "Sorry." Howie laughed a little, high and nervous, and Kevin glared at him. Howie was pretty fucked up by the whole thing. "You have a responsibility to this group," Kevin said again. Brian sighed and rubbed a hand over his face. Nick was afraid that Brian might start to cry. Nick might start to cry too, but Brian wouldn't let them comfort him. It wasn't that long ago that Brian used to comfort him. "Then I need more time," Brian said, after a long silence. Brian looked at Nick then, finally, and Nick could feel the tears coming, blinked and tried to push them back. "I'm sorry," Brian said, and this time Nick could tell it was for him. Nick wanted to hug him, he wanted to touch Brian's hair and hide his face in the warmth of Brian's neck and not let him go until Brian flushed these stupid stupid ideas out of his stupid balding empty head. "No," Kevin said, shaking his head. "No." Brian was still looking at Nick. Nick wasn't sure if Brian had even heard Kevin speak. "No," Kevin said again. In retrospect, it probably wasn't the best time to bring up the whole solo album thing. "What now?" AJ asks. He takes the reins from Kevin and yanks them. The horse slows down for half a second and then picks up speed again. "Whoa, boy." "girl," Kevin corrects. "Who the fuck cares?" "Don't pull so hard," Kevin says and tries to take the reins back from AJ. "You're yanking her." "I know I am," AJ says, yanking again. Nick jerks forward a little in his seat. "I want him to stop." "Her. And you're doing it wrong," Kevin insists just before the miniature wrestling match for the reins begins. "Guys," Brian says, trying to maintain order or prevent someone else from falling out of the damn sleigh or whatever. "come on. AJ, give Kevin the reins." AJ lets go of the reins abruptly and Kevin stumbles back, using Nick's shoulder as support to regain his balance. He glares at AJ. "You do it like this," he says, and then tugs the reins a little before releasing them. Kevin tugs again. The horse makes a noise, but it feels like she's starting to slow down. Brian's hand is on Nick's leg now, probably trying to be reassuring, but Nick tries to ignore it. This isn't some desert island. It's five minutes on a fucking runaway sleigh and the last thing he wants is to get back into this. He has plenty of other things to be thinking about. Howie, for one. Who will incur Kevin's wrath when this horse finally stops is another. Especially since this was all kind of Kevin's fault in the first place. This kind of shit is always Kevin's fault. "Okay, now what?" AJ asks. He watches as Kevin slowly tugs the reins. "Are we going to stop before we reach Alaska?" It wasn't too long after the whole mess in the studio that Nick heard through the grapevine that Leighanne was pregnant. Brian wasn't really talking to him, so he had to wait for Howie to get around to telling him the news. "Fuck this," Nick said, but not because he wasn't happy for Brian. He'd known Brian half of his life, of course he was happy for him. "Nick -" Howie said on the other end of the phone. Sweet D. Talking to everyone even if everyone didn't always want to talk to him. Even if no one wanted to talk to him. "Shut up, Howie. Let me freak," Nick said, and Howie did shut up after that. Hung up, really. Nick called him back ten minutes later. "Sorry," Nick said instead of hello. "I'm happy for him," Howie said. "Me too," Nick agreed. "Of course I am." "It's pretty much over, isn't it." Howie was always as frightened as he was. "I think so," Nick agreed again. "Kinda sucks." "Yeah," Nick said. It really kind of did. Nick was pretty sure none of them thought it would end that way. Nick never let himself believe that it would end at all. Nick wanted to call AJ but AJ wasn't speaking to him for completely different reasons than Brian. Nick wanted to call Kevin because Kevin was at least sort of speaking to him, but he didn't really want to know what Kevin thought about the whole thing and so instead he shut up and just focused on his own stuff. His own holey swiss cheese life. It felt like it should be over, but weeks passed and then months and no one said anything about it. Nick didn't ask. Eventually, he released his album and he started spending time with AJ again and he went about his tour and he never saw Brian, not once. He spoke to him twice though and Brian didn't mention the Backstreet Boys at all. Nick took it as confirmation. "What are you doing now?" AJ asks when Kevin starts pulling one rein significantly harder than the other. "We're turning," Kevin says, and continues what he's doing. "Why?" Kevin sighs. "Listen. Do you want to get off this fucking sleigh or not?" AJ throws a look back at Brian and Nick and then motions a zipper sealing his lips. Brian laughs and Nick turns to look at him quickly. Brian's hand is still on Nick's knee and Brian's still got that look on his face that means that he's probably still hard. So messed up. They should have just agreed to the Santa hats. They should have listened when Kevin said he didn't want anything to do with a Christmas album in the first place. Sometimes Kevin did actually know what the fuck he was talking about. Sometimes Nick should listen to him. Nick should never listen to Brian. He pushes Brian's hand off his damn knee and moves to stand next to AJ. "Sit down," Kevin says. The sleigh is turning now, the horse starting to move in a circle. Nick hopes it - she - gets tired of this soon because Nick wants off. "Stop this thing," Nick says. "Sit down," Kevin says again. "There's no point talking to him," AJ advises Nick. "Mr. Fucking Survival Guide." "Sit. Down.," Kevin says, one last time, pulling the one rein even harder so the horse is practically looking right back at them and the sleigh jerks as it turns sharply. AJ and Nick sit down. Everything changed again after Baylee was born. Nick wasn't sure what he expected, but it certainly wasn't what happened. He hadn't seen Brian in almost a year. They were speaking again, but conversations were awkward and forced. Nick had given up. Frick and Frack would never be the same and life as he knew it was pretty much over. And he was okay. He would be okay without them. He heard it from AJ first, that Leighanne and the baby were fine, that Kevin was on his way to Atlanta. AJ saw Brian more often than Nick did. Nick didn't see Brian much at all. "Five fingers, five toes," AJ said. "So this is it then?" Nick asked. "Nah," AJ said, dismissing him. "That's over, man." "Brian won't be near me," Nick said. Even if Brian didn't want to leave, Brian didn't want to see him. Brian hardly wanted to talk to him. "I guess you better quit the group then," AJ said as though none of it was any big deal. "I'm being serious here." "You're being an idiot," AJ countered. "Brian is fine." "With you, maybe." "With all of us." "Not me," Nick insisted. "You know that." AJ made a noncommittal sound on the other end of the line and Nick could tell that he'd just shrugged. "It's been a long time," AJ said right before they hung up the phone. When Brian finally called, Nick stared at the number on his cellphone for a full minute before answering. Brian laughed and accused him of screening his calls and then told him all about Baylee's fingers and Baylee's toes and how often he had to change Baylee's diaper and how little they were sleeping. Brian called him once a week after that, always happy, usually tired, and always full of stories. Sometimes Brian mentioned the group. Sometimes he mentioned a future. Nick didn't really believe it was real anymore, but he agreed when Brian talked about another album, another tour. Brian told Nick about a lot of things after Baylee was born, but he didn't tell Nick about Oprah. He let Howie do that. "Why are you telling me?" "I don't know. I guess maybe Brian thinks you'd say no if he asked." "Maybe Brian doesn't want me there." Howie sighs. "You're going to show, right? For AJ?" "Of course I'm going to be there." He was the last to arrive in Chicago and Brian greeted him with a hug and then laughed when Nick looked surprised. Next he was bombarded with pictures of Baylee sleeping and Baylee with his eyes open and a few with a view up Baylee's nose. Nick had never even met the kid but he felt like he'd been there for every minute since Baylee was born. "I'm glad you came," Brian said and hugged him again. "I've been thinking a lot. About things." Brian disappeared into his hotel room. Brian seemed fine. Normal. Happy. It was weird being together while AJ was in a different hotel on the other side of town. Nick had a feeling AJ would be smirking at him. There might even be an "I told you so" involved. "Look where we are and what we've been through," Nick said as he walked with Howie to their rooms farther down the hall. Howie just looked at Nick and rolled his eyes. Nick was pretty sure that he deserved that. "How long is the turning in circles portion of tonight's show going to last?" AJ asks from where he's squished in between Nick and Brian. Nick has to get out of the sleigh. He can't sit here any longer with Brian hard and AJ pressed up against him. This is ridiculous and Kevin is taking his sweet fucking time. "Kevin," Nick says, his voice sharp. "Stop this thing." Kevin mumbles something that might be 'hold your horses' and Nick sure as hell hopes that wasn't it. AJ is getting relaxed, probably figuring that he's going to be there for a while longer. He wraps an arm around Nick's shoulders and pulls Nick in closer. His breath is warm on Nick's neck and Nick's not sitting in the fucking sleigh for one more second. "Kevin," Nick says, jumping up from his seat. "Stop the sleigh." He reaches out and tries to grab the reins from Kevin, but Kevin isn't letting go. Nick pulls and the horse jerks and Nick loses his balance and suddenly he's falling and there's sand and his ass hurts but at least he's no longer in the fucking sleigh. "Dammit, Nick!" Kevin calls as the sleigh turns in another fucking circle and before Nick can really even move the horse is headed right for him again. Shit. Nick rolls out of the way and looks up in time to see Brian staring down at him. He's still laying there in the sand when the horse finally stops, her hooves restlessly kicking at the sand. He's still sitting there when Brian jumps out and runs over to him. And when Brian kneels over him and asks if Nick's okay and Nick sees Brian getting closer, sees the concern in Brian's eyes, that's when things go really wrong. Nick leans in and kisses Brian. Brian makes a surprised noise, but his hand is in Nick's hair and his kiss is tender and slow. He doesn't pull away and he doesn't slap Nick and when they finally part Brian's wearing the same look of concern but it's a little darker now and Nick thinks that it might be lust. And that's it, because Nick thinks. He just kissed Brian and it wasn't a joke, it wasn't a wet smack on the cheek and it probably isn't lust that he thinks he sees in Brian's eyes. Nick jumps to his feet and covers his face. "Shit," he says. "Shit." "Nick -" Nick ignores Brian and stumbles a few feet backward. No way. No fucking way is he going through this again. "Nick -" Brian tries to grab his shoulder but Nick just swears and starts walking away from them all, starts heading back down the beach the way they came. He can hear AJ and Brian following him but he doesn't turn around. He can't hear Kevin. He's not sure if it's because Kevin isn't yelling or if it's because Kevin stayed behind with his beloved horse. Nick doesn't care either way. He's getting the fuck off this fucking beach. And what the hell was that anyway? Something something runaway sleigh must kiss Brian? It wasn't exactly a life or death thing. It wasn't a fucking desert island last two people on earth kind of thing. What excuse did he have? Brian's not that fucking hot that Nick can't control himself all of a sudden. Brian's the same moron with crinkly eyes and a stupid looking head. Brian's the same idiot who is probably already planning to avoid Nick for the next year. At least. He's not sure how far he's walked but it isn't long before he reaches AJ's discarded coat. He kicks it and watches the sand fly around him. He's fucking sweating and finally pulls off his own huge ass jacket, throwing it into the sand beside AJ's. Someone can pick it up later. AJ and Brian can pick it up. He'll pay for the fucking thing. He doesn't care. Nick follows the tracks of the sleigh, some of them washed away by particularly strong waves. He can see a crowd of people running toward him. They call his name when they see him and Howie reaches out to grab him, but Nick shrugs him off and keeps walking. "Nick," Howie says, sharply. "Everything is fine," Nick says and it doesn't sound anything at all like the truth. Brian and AJ's voices are a little farther behind him now, mixed in with the crowd. He doesn't want to stop when he reaches the make-up trailer either. He can't let them catch him in here. If they catch him in here then that's it. He's messed up and Kevin will undoubtedly do something idiotic and they'll all be right back where they started. No fucking way and Nick plans to pause just long enough to grab his keys and escape. The only problem is that he and Howie came together. Nick can grab his keys, but a lot of good they'll do with his car sitting at home in his driveway. "Come on," Brian says, catching him as he tries to slip back out of the make-up trailer unnoticed. "Johnny's rescheduling. Come on." Nick frowns at him and then at Howie right behind him. He only thinks about breaking away from Brian's grip and running for half a second before he follows them both to Howie's car. "Where are we going?" Nick asks as soon as he realizes this isn't the way home. "My place," Howie says. "Come on," Brian says again as though Nick's not already in the car. As though they aren't already halfway there. Nick follows Howie and Brian into Howie's house and is hardly through the door before Brian is kissing him. Small kisses, quick kisses, kisses all along the line of his jaw and down along his neck. Nick thought he'd made it, but he hasn't really escaped at all. It's too late now. It's way too fucking late. "It wasn't anything like life or death," Nick says and his words are muffled against Brian's skin. "It's no excuse." "Who cares," Howie answers from somewhere close by. "I've been thinking," Brian says, and he isn't making sense. "I can't -" Nick starts, but he's kissing Brian between his words and his brain is telling him to stop and he never ever listens to his fucking brain. He really should start. Nick doesn't know when Kevin and AJ show up. He just knows that they're there and that someone planned to bring him here and no one cares that they're ruining it all, that they're ruining it for him. No one cares that Nick doesn't want to do this again. He can't do it again, but no one cares, not even Nick. They called the album Never Gone but it was a fucking lie. They'd been gone. Brian had definitely been gone. "You're not going back there." It's Kevin and Nick wants to believe him but he knows it's a fucking lie. AJ can't count the number of times that Kevin fucked up on his fingers and toes. Add one more to the list. Somewhere behind him AJ says "Merry Christmas to me" and Howie snorts and must slap AJ or something because AJ says "ow" loudly and then they're both quiet. Nick's not sure when things changed but he's kissing Kevin now and they're not in Howie's front hall anymore and Kevin's still an awesome kisser and at least he has some good qualities. He can hear Brian talking and he listens and he tries to remember Brian's words even though they're just small things like "come here" and "stay". He's not sure when he'll get to hear Brian's voice again. It's kind of too late to worry about that now though. It's déjà vu with less swearing and when Nick wakes up afterward he grabs his clothes and says goodbye and slips out without waking anyone. He's in the driveway before he remembers that he has no car. The house is still quiet when a cab finally arrives to take him home. It's been a while and he thinks maybe it's time to go back to working on his second solo album. Two years of everything back to normal. Hugging and joking around and pretending to make out on stage and having it mean nothing out of the ordinary. Playing with Baylee and losing to Brian at basketball and listening to Brian laugh. Nick swore that he wasn't going to go back to the way it was before. And then Nick fucked it up. It's Brian's fault. It's Kevin's. It's Howie's for not taking Nick home like he was supposed to. It doesn't fucking matter. Nick plays some of the tracks he recorded a few years ago. Right before Howie called to make sure Nick would show up in Chicago. Brian couldn't ask because he didn't think Nick would come. The tracks suck and they're worthless, but they're better than Christmas carols which is pretty much all Nick has listened to in months. It's not even October and Nick's had enough Christmas to last him until next year. Nick lies on the floor and stares at the ceiling and listens to the songs that he sang the first time around. When Brian suddenly appears, looming over him, his hands shrugged into the pockets of his jeans as he looks down at Nick and smiles, Nick jumps a little. He blinks hard but Brian's still there when he opens his eyes. Brian says something but the stereo is loud and Nick's a shitty lip reader. Nick squints up at him and Brian nods and heads toward the stereo, muting Nick's voice before coming back to stare down at him again. "You left." "I don't want to do it again," Nick says. "It wasn't any good, huh?" Brian asks and he knows damn well what Nick's talking about. They never talk about it, never, but that doesn't mean Brian should joke. "What are you doing here?" "You're surprised?" Brian asks. Nick just shrugs and watches as Brian takes his hands out of his pockets and sits down beside Nick. Everything is absolutely great and then something something runaway sleigh and Brian is here saying goodbye one last time. "I hate Christmas." Brian rolls his eyes at Nick and then scoots down so he's lying on his side, his body a lot closer than it needs to be. "What are you doing?" Nick asks. "You're not supposed to be here." Brian has paperwork and the date and time of their next photoshoot. "In a studio," he adds. "No coats or hats. Not even candy canes. Johnny thinks Kevin spooked the horse on purpose to get his way. Kevin's grand master plan. Why are you acting all -" Brian waves his hand over Nick trying to find the right word "- crazy?" "I'm sorry," Nick says, turning to look at Brian. Brian's talking to him. It's a good sign and if Nick cuts right to the chase maybe they can speed up some of the year long healing process. "I wasn't surprised," Brian continues. "I thought a lot about things. I was kind of waiting for it." Nick frowns at him. "You weren't surprised?" Brian shakes his head. "I was." "I can tell." "I don't want to lose you guys like that. I can't do that again." "Nick," Brian leans in and kisses the corner of Nick's mouth, kisses Nick's lips and then kisses the tip of Nick's nose. Nick laughs, just a little despite himself, and wipes at his nose. "Things are different than they were. Things are better." Nick shakes his head. Things are better right now, but what happens when Brian flies back to Atlanta and really realizes that it's happened again? What happens then? It's really not any different. "No one's going anywhere," Brian says as though he's there inside Nick's head. Brian's fingers crawl across Nick's stomach and Nick swats at his hand. It tickles and Nick isn't supposed to be laughing right now. He's supposed to be mourning the second loss of his best friend. "I'm sorry," Brian says and kisses Nick's shoulder twice, three times. "No," Nick says, swatting at Brian's hand again but Brian ignores him and his fingers continue to crawl, not stopping until they've has made it to Nick's side and once there Brian's hand slides up to hug him, Brian's body presses against him, Brian's chin rests on his chest. "We're so different now." Nick closes his eyes. He's wants to believe it. Brian tightens his grip and turns his head, resting his ear against Nick's chest. It doesn't seem like Brian plans to let go anytime soon, so Nick gives in, wraps his arm around Brian's back and kisses the top of Brian's stupid fuzzy head. Brian laughs and Nick can feel Brian's chest shake with it. Nick wants to believe him. "Let me show you," Brian says. |
