by Zoicite
 For Allecto, Don We Now Our Gay Apparel 2002 Kevin typed slowly, concentrating on the keyboard, his forehead creased. He’d never quite mastered typing. He didn’t do it enough. He knew where the keys were, but he’d forever be a finger typist, looking at the keys and then glancing up periodically at the screen to check what he’d written. He reread the short paragraph, typed his name, one of the few things he could type without looking, and satisfied, hit send. He paused to crack his knuckles before opening the next e-mail. He’d just begun skimming the contents when he heard the front door open downstairs. “Kev?” Kevin had expected Kristin, but it was AJ whose voice rang through the house. Kevin glanced at the clock, Kristin wasn’t due home for another two hours. He’d thought it was later. “Upstairs,” Kevin called. He listened to sandals flapping against the wood of the staircase. It was October, but still pretty warm, and AJ would wear sandals all year if he could get away with it. Kevin stopped wearing them after Labor Day. The footsteps stopped at the bedroom and then Kevin heard AJ say, “Where the hell are you?” “The office,” Kevin said, rolling his chair away from the computer. He took off the small wire framed glasses he wore and set them on the desk. He was a little bitter about them. Perfect vision his entire life and three days before his thirty-first birthday his optometrist prescribed reading glasses. “Hey,” AJ said, squeezing Kevin’s thigh as he passed him to collapse on the small couch beside the computer desk. “Writing your autobiography?” “E-mail,” Kevin said. “What’s that?” AJ carried a book under his arm. AJ was bright, but never scholarly, and he didn’t usually travel with books. “A gift from mom,” AJ said. “It just came in the mail today.” He held out the book for Kevin to take. Kevin brushed his hand over the mottled blue cover. He turned it on edge but there were no words on the binding. “She’s been getting into that scrap booking thing,” AJ explained. “Just wait until Christmas. She’s making them for everybody.” Kevin winced a little and put his glasses back on, pushing them up on his nose with his index finger. He was looking forward to the point when he would get so used to them that he couldn’t feel them any longer, but until then he was all too aware. Kristin had been into the scrap-booking thing for awhile. She’d had big plans to make a book from the things they’d collected on their honeymoon and she’d dragged Kevin to buy materials with her. Kevin had been in awe of the sheer number of options there were, paper and stickers and special scissors that cut things in patterns. Kristin finished about five pages of the scrapbook before she threw in the towel and just made a regular photo album. Kevin had to admit he was glad. She’d purchased books on scrap-booking and paper with seashells and the Leaning Tower of Pisa, though they’d never even been. Kristin wasn’t the neatest person Kevin had ever met and the materials were spread about the living room for days. The first few pages were overcrowded with pictures, ticket stubs, and stickers of shiny suitcases and small globes and little red hearts. Kevin was glad when Kristin became frustrated and threw out all of the things in a huff, instead putting the mementos in a box and the pictures in a tasteful photo album. “You gonna open it, or what?” AJ asked, tapping his fingers on the arm of the couch. Kevin shrugged, but he got up from the computer chair and sat beside AJ, the book in his lap. He prepared himself for stickers and ugly middle school paper patterns and then opened the book to the first page. “Oh,” he said, surprised when he was met by a tastefully simple page of taupe paper on a dark green background. “For Kevin and Alex,” he read the words written carefully in black marker, “love, Denise.” AJ smiled. Kevin lifted the pages in his hand and then flipped through them carefully, not really looking, just taking it all in. The book was small, smaller than the average scrapbook, and the simple theme of taupe and dark green was carried throughout. The pages contained pictures with simple captions and nothing more. Kevin flipped back to the beginning. Kevin stared out the small round window as the plane took off, leaving New York behind. Brian and Nick were already laughing and talking too loudly a few rows behind him. Jane told them to settle down, but her words went unheeded. “My ears,” Nick said, laughing. “We didn’t bring the gum! I knew we’d forget something,” Brian said in his ever present Jim Carey voice. “Maybe their heads will explode,” Howie muttered, nudging Kevin with his elbow. Kevin turned away from the window, they were nearly above the clouds now anyway. Howie had his eyes squeezed shut and was rubbing his forehead with his fingertips, already suffering from a head cold before their first big tour had even begun. Kevin took his cue from Howie, closed his eyes and dozed off. He awoke somewhere over the Atlantic Ocean. Nick and Brian were still laughing. The seatbelt light was off and Nick was standing in the aisle. Howie was gone, but Kevin thought he could hear his voice somewhere behind, talking to Lou. “You’re quiet,” AJ said, sitting down in Howie’s abandoned seat. Kevin shrugged. “You’re always quiet.” AJ pulled his hand from behind his back and handed Kevin a small airline pillow and a hideous blue and pink plaid blanket. “You looked cold,” he explained. “Thanks,” Kevin said, sticking the pillow behind his neck. “You think we’ll meet the queen?” AJ asked. Kevin’s eyes were already closed and he didn’t feel like making conversation. “No,” he said, pulling the blanket up over his arms. “Smile boys,” Denise said cheerily, and Kevin smiled but didn’t open his eyes. He saw the flash go off behind his eyelids. Kevin had never seen the photograph before, he hadn’t even thought about it afterward, had fallen asleep until they were half an hour outside of London. Now he saw himself, young, his eyes closed and the ugly plaid blanket pulled up to his neck. AJ had his sunglasses even then but they were pushed up into his hair and he was grinning, his mouth open a little as though he was about to say something, his head tilted toward Kevin. “Have you gone grocery shopping yet?” AJ asked, pulling himself up from the couch with a grunt. “I think Kris did,” Kevin said. He didn’t look up from the picture. AJ stood over Kevin for a second, kicked lightly at Kevin’s ankles with his sandaled feet and then said, “I’m going to go get a soda. I’ll bring you one.” “Okay,” Kevin said and looked to the other picture at the bottom of the page. It had been taken on the same flight, a candid. Kevin still had the blanket and the pillow so it must have been after his nap, probably right before they prepared for landing. He was staring out the window into darkness, a neutral expression on his face. He could tell it was because he’d just woken up, but he probably looked pretty blank to anyone else viewing the picture. AJ still sat beside him, his ankle resting on his knee and one of the in-flight catalogues open in his lap. He was staring out the window too. Frankfort, Germany Kevin and AJ didn’t talk much the first few years. Kevin was quiet by nature, though not due to shyness. He had never been overly self-conscious. Nonetheless, he wasn’t what anyone would call a chatty guy. He talked with Brian because Brian was his cousin. He’d known Brian his entire life. Kevin talked with Nick because Nick was young and needed the guidance. Kevin was terrified for Nick growing up in the situation that they were in and he went out of his way to spend time with Nick, to keep Nick grounded. He bonded with Howie due to age. They were men amongst boys and it was a relief to remember that he wasn’t alone. AJ was loud and his mouth was large and he paid no attention to what came out of it until it was too late. He was young, though the age gap between he and Nick seemed larger than it actually was and Kevin didn’t see the need to take AJ under his wing. AJ seemed fully developed. Kevin’s mother tended to worry, and she worried when Kevin told her that he didn’t think he would get along with AJ. “You’re going to be spending so much time with him,” she said into the phone. Kevin called his mother once a week, Sunday night at seven unless they had a concert in which case they rescheduled. “I know Ma, it’s not that I don’t like him. He’s young, and I just don’t think we have anything in common.” Kevin hadn’t really worried about it until his mother kept bringing it up. It wasn’t as though it was causing tensions within the group. They were friendly, he got along with AJ just fine, they just didn’t really converse. “You have the group in common,” his mother persisted. “How does Brian get along with him?” “I get along with AJ,” Kevin corrected. “And Brian gets along with everyone. You can tell Aunt Jackie that she worried about nothing.” “You said he doesn’t have a father, didn’t you? Or that he doesn’t know him? Bond over that. Be his father figure.” AJ only brought up his missing father in passing, waving it off as unimportant. Kevin had learned more about it from Denise than he had from her son. Kevin tried not to talk about his own father’s passing. Not because it wasn’t important to him, not because he didn’t miss him more than anything. Kevin tried not to talk about it because he inevitably ended up tearing up, and though he’d spent nearly every day of the past few years with these guys, he still wasn’t quite comfortable crying in front of them. He had no problems comforting Nick when Nick shed a tear or two, telling him that there was nothing wrong with crying when Nick’s cheeks blushed red with embarrassment, but Kevin thought that his strength within the group was, to be redundant, his strength, and so Kevin held things in. Lou was quick to take them all under his wing, to tell them about family and loyalty and dedication. Lou knew the business inside and out and Kevin had no doubt that Lou would take care of them, watch over them. They had Johnny and Donna too. Johnny spent a lot of time with AJ. They were in good hands, and Kevin thought AJ probably had all the guidance he needed. “I’ve gotta go pick up Sarah,” AJ said soon after finishing his soda. “Promised we’d go out to dinner at this new place she likes.” “How is she?” Kevin asked, closing the book in his lap. “Good, good.” AJ crinkled the can a little in his palm. “She’s all excited and busy with wedding plans, you know. Things are good.” “Good,” Kevin said and smiled. “You want me to leave that with you?” AJ asked, standing and gesturing toward the scrapbook. “Sure,” Kevin said. He ran his hands over the dark blue cover and then set the book aside in the spot that AJ had vacated. “Okay. I’ll drop by tomorrow if you’re around,” AJ said. “I will be.” AJ nodded. He bounced on the balls of his feet, the sandals making a dull thud against the throw rug, and then he leaned in, gripped Kevin’s shoulder and kissed him. It was a dry kiss, quick, and then AJ was out the door, down the stairs, and Kevin went back to his e-mail. Waiblingen, Germany Kevin was surprised when AJ climbed onto the bus, looked at the empty bunk above Howie and the one below Kevin and chose the one below Kevin. Howie and AJ tended to pair off. They’d known each other a bit longer than the others and so it seemed natural that they stuck together in the beginning, and that that would quickly become a close friendship. The group paired down naturally; Brian and Nick, AJ and Howie, Kevin. It meant that Kevin got the single room when there was one, the solo bed when there wasn’t, and so Kevin wasn’t about to complain. It also meant that he often got stuck with a cot, but Kevin wouldn’t complain about that either. “The bunk above Howie is empty,” Kevin pointed out, thinking that perhaps AJ just hadn’t noticed. Had looked, but maybe hadn’t registered. AJ shrugged. “Howie snores.” Howie did snore, Kevin knew, but that had never stopped AJ before. Sleeping above AJ turned out to be a bit different than Kevin had expected. Kevin regularly stepped out of his bunk and stepped on AJ’s shoes, his jeans, and once, his walkman. He’d cracked it and AJ made him buy a new one despite the fact that Kevin didn’t think he was really responsible. “You left it on the floor in a hallway,” he reasoned. “You stepped on it,” AJ grumbled and folded his arms over his chest. Kevin bought him a new one in the next city. It was on that bus that Kevin started to feel that they were really a family. Five boys cramped in a space that should sleep two. It was on the bus that Kevin first really learned who AJ was. AJ still didn’t talk about his father, though Kevin did ask when it was dark and Howie was snoring and they talked in hushed voices between the bunks. Kevin could almost hear AJ’s silent shrug in response. “I never knew him anyway,” AJ said. “Sperm donor, mostly. ” “Don’t say that.” “He doesn’t matter,” AJ insisted. Kevin didn’t understand how it couldn’t matter but he always let it go, and to be fair he did answer when AJ asked about the cancer. He told AJ about the last weeks, their last vacation as a family in Florida and the loss and depression he had suffered in the years afterward. Still suffered. He told AJ that he’d finally felt like he was regaining some of what he lost with Lou. Not replacing, not ever, but Lou was filling a void that Kevin sometimes forgot was there. He must have sniffled a bit too loudly despite his efforts to keep his voice steady because AJ climbed out of his own bunk and up into Kevin’s, ignoring Kevin’s protests, climbed up and into Kevin’s arms as though he were Nick when Nick was homesick or scared. “Hey,” AJ said, hugging Kevin tight and then releasing him and cuffed his shoulder, sitting up against the wall of the bunk with one leg dangling over the edge. “Sorry,” Kevin said. Kevin had always thought that his strength within the group was his strength. He cleared his throat and patted AJ on the back. “Thanks.” “No problem,” AJ shrugged and hopped back down to his own bed. “G’night Kev.” “You’re still looking through that scrapbook?” Kristin asked when she woke up and found Kevin on the office couch in his bathrobe, his legs curled beneath him, his glasses perched on his nose. Kevin grunted and took a sip of the coffee he’d made, holding out a second mug for Kristin to take. “Oh,” she said. “Thank you.” She sat in the office chair and poked Kevin’s legs with her cold toes. She smiled at him and he reached out and ran a hand over her foot, massaging with his thumb. They’d been married for two years, together for nearly ten before that and he had no doubts that he loved her. He never doubted that she loved him. She must to willingly accept the relationship that they had. He must to trust her with it. Kevin poked at her and then tickled the bottom of her foot until she laughed, kicked him, and snuggled into the couch beside him, taking the scrapbook from his lap. “The bed was cold,” she said, and when he didn’t answer she continued. “You haven’t even looked all the way through this, have you?” “No,” Kevin admitted. He was taking his time, savoring. Kristin had looked through it a few times, and she flipped through it again as she sat there. She stopped on a page toward the end and held it up for Kevin too look at, smiling. Kevin leaned forward, the damn glasses and he couldn’t see as far with them on. They were in Germany, the Berlin Wall it looked like, or what was left of it. Kevin and AJ with Kristin in the middle, a huge grin on her face. It was her first time in Europe. Back and forth and it was hard on them all, but it had worked. It took Kevin and Kristin years to realize that it was more than convenient, that it was meant to be more, and even then it worked. It was still working. They were an uneven triangle, missing a side, soon to become an even square, still missing a side, but it was working. Kristin handed the scrapbook back to Kevin and he leafed back to where he left off, not looking at the pages in between. He was taking his time. Kevin had a lot of time now, and when it came to some things Kevin had patience. Japan Kevin dragged himself out of bed as soon as it became obvious that the frantic knocking was not going to stop until he answered it. He had the single room, there were actually three rooms for once, and Kevin had been looking forward to a full nights sleep. They had two concerts the next day, each in a different city, and Kevin was worried about getting worn down. Or not worn out, he already was that, but getting sick, definitely. He didn’t bother to switch on the bedside lamp, just dragged himself to the door and threw it open. AJ stood there, his hand still fisted, poised to knock again and when he saw Kevin he did knock, on Kevin’s bare chest. “Let me in,” AJ demanded. He was wearing gray sweatpants and a t-shirt that Kevin was sure was actually one of Brian’s. “I’m sleeping,” Kevin said, but stepped aside to let AJ in. “Show me,” AJ said, gesturing with his hands for Kevin to hurry. “Show you what?” “Come on,” AJ said, impatient and not sounded nearly as tired as Kevin was. “Brian just told me and I want to see.” AJ reached for the waistband of Kevin’s flannel pants, but Kevin jumped away, the elastic snapping out of AJ’s fingers. “We have a long day tomorrow,” Kevin said. “You need to sleep. You can’t trade sleep for those energy pills.” AJ shrugged. “Just show me the tattoo and I’ll leave.” He’d gotten it that afternoon. It was their first time in Japan and Denise had taken the others to some religious temple. Kevin and Howie had gone off on their own, somehow ended up at the tattoo parlor. Howie was terrified of needles, but it was their first time in Japan, as a group, and they were doing well. It needed commemoration, and Kevin did it despite Howie’s repeated warnings that it was permanent and Kevin would have to live with it for the rest of his life. “Show me,” AJ said again, and Kevin pulled his pants down so that they rested low on his hips. A white bandage was taped to Kevin’s hip bone and AJ frowned and looked pointedly at Kevin. “It’s healing,” Kevin said. “I think I’m supposed to leave it on until tomorrow.” He wasn’t positive. The artist spoke only a tiny bit of English, but he was pretty sure it was tomorrow. “Take it off,” AJ insisted. “Just for a second. I can’t believe you went and got a tattoo without us.” “I didn’t think you’d care,” Kevin said, lifting the tape from his skin and wincing a little when it pulled. AJ knocked Kevin’s hands away and ripped the rest of the bandage off. “Ow,” Kevin said, annoyed. AJ ignored him and looked at the tattoo. “What does it say?” “The top one is ‘Music’,” Kevin said, “the bottom is ‘Pleasure’.” “Oh.” AJ was squatting in front of Kevin, staring at Kevin’s pelvis, at Kevin’s naked hip where his pants were pushed down. They’d left the door open and the light from the hallway was the only light in the room. Kevin really hoped that no one walked by. “Nice.” Kevin didn’t think it looked so nice at the moment, his skin was red and puffy around the black ink. He watched AJ but even though he was watching he didn’t expect the touch of AJ’s fingers against the sensitive skin, the brush of his fingertips over the ink, and his breath caught and he almost moved away. “Nice,” AJ said again. AJ went back to his own room and didn’t mention the tattoo again until a few cities later when they stayed in a hotel that had an indoor heated pool. They had the afternoon off and it was a rare enough occasion that it deserved celebration, a pool party. “Have you seen it, Nick?” AJ asked and when Nick asked “What?” AJ dragged him over to where Kevin was talking to Johnny about the upcoming month. AJ pushed Kevin’s swim trunks down just enough to show Nick the tattoo. “Whoa,” Nick said. “Cool!” Kevin hardly noticed when Denise snapped the picture. Kevin wandered upstairs shortly after Kristin kicked him out of the kitchen. Usually he was kicked out for being controlling, but she was only making pizza, and he hadn’t even said anything when she looked at him, pointed a finger, and said, “Out. Stay out until they get here.” He sat on the couch in the living room, staring at the fish in the tank, the tropical fish that Kristin had gotten to keep Quincy amused while they were away. Quincy never paid any attention to the fish. Kristin dropped something in the kitchen and swore, banging her hand on the counter. Kevin resisted the urge to check on her, she was in a snapping mood, and instead went upstairs. Quincy was asleep on the end of the bed in the master bedroom, curled up. The cat wasn’t getting any younger and he slept most of the day, but blinked when Kevin ran a hand along his back and began purring. Kevin nuzzled the cat’s cheek and left the bedroom. He walked to the end of the hall and opened the door there. He hadn’t been in the room in a few weeks, but he made sure that Rosie dusted regularly and the bedroom didn’t look any worse for wear. Worse from neglect, really. Kevin opened the blinds and then sat on the edge of the bed. He had a bedroom in AJ’s house as well. It didn’t seem right, sleeping with your boyfriend in your marital bed and so they’d each designated one of the guestrooms as there own. There were a few articles of AJ’s clothing in the closet, a photograph of AJ and Kevin by the bed, and a pair of cowboy boots on the floor by the dresser. They used to hole up in this room every other weekend. Kristin went out with the girls and AJ and Kevin shut themselves away. But the room hadn’t been used in nearly a month and not regularly for almost a year. Kevin leaned back on the white comforter, careful to keep his shoes hanging off the edge. The bed didn’t even smell like them anymore. He couldn’t smell AJ anywhere here, it all smelled like linen and fabric softener. He guessed that his room in AJ’s house probably smelled the same. Empty. Kevin left the bedroom, shutting the door quietly behind him and went in search of the scrapbook. Sydney, Australia Kevin paused outside the open hotel room door on his way back from a meeting with Donna about merchandising. Johnny and Lou thought that the European market was ready for a new wave of Backstreet merchandise and frankly, Kevin thought it was all cheesy and unnecessary. He said so, but it really didn’t matter what he thought when it came to merchandising. The door to Nick’s room was open and Kevin heard his name mentioned. Kevin was notoriously nosy when it came to the guys and he stopped in the hallway to listen. “Kevin’s tattoo is fucking hot,” AJ said and Nick laughed and Kevin guessed probably tackled AJ or pushed him or something because AJ said, “Hey, knock it off.” “Brian’s fighting with her again,” Nick said a few seconds later, the laughter gone from his voice. “She’s going to break up with him,” AJ said wisely as though AJ knew everything there was to know about relationships when Kevin knew for a fact that he’d only been in one and that it was little more than a mutual high school crush, except without the high school. They went back to talking about whatever they were watching on television after that. Kevin was about to go in, hang out with them for a little while when Nick said, “She’s a bitch.” It was unlike Nick to criticize so rashly. They’d only met Brian’s girlfriend a few times. She’d chosen to go to the University of Kentucky after high school rather than a school in Florida, closer to Brian and so Nick mostly only knew her through Brian’s side of phone conversations. “Yeah,” AJ agreed. “She’s hot though. And if they break up then he’ll have more time for you.” “Shut up,” Nick said and the scuffling started again. “Don’t say that. At least I don’t want to lick Kevin’s tattoo.” “The tattoo is fucking hot, Nicky.” “It is pretty cool,” Nick admitted. Kevin poked at his hip and then jumped when someone touched his shoulder. “Shit, Howie,” Kevin said when he swung around and saw Howie there, grinning and holding a full ice bucket. “How long have you been there?” “How long have you been there? I’m not the one standing in a hallway being all sneaky,” Howie said and Kevin must have blushed or something because Howie laughed at him, stuck his head into the room, waved to Nick and AJ and then pulled the door shut before turning back to Kevin. “He’s just got a little crush. It’s like hero worship or something. He’s had it forever,” Howie said. “He looks up to you the same way that Nick looks up to Brian.” “Um,” Kevin said. He’d guessed the looking up to thing, but he hadn’t really thought about tattoo licking and things of that sort. “What should I do?” Howie shrugged. “Nothing. I don’t know. Come watch Baywatch with us.” “Nothing?” Kevin repeated, but Howie just shrugged again. Howie opened the hotel room door again and Nick and AJ started talking at once, telling Howie what he’d missed. “Look what I found,” Howie said, pulling Kevin into the room with him. “What do you think about this dress?” Sarah asked leaning over Kevin’s shoulder. Sarah had been showing him dresses for weeks and he’d dismissed every one of them. Strangely enough, she had agreed with every one of his grimaces and snide comments about overstuffed snow queens. The dress she showed him now though was on the page of a bridal magazine with the corner turned down. The dress was simple, sleeveless, with a full skirt and pale pink accents. Champagne, the small description informed him. Elegant and Classic, Kevin read, and he agreed. Kevin raised his eyebrows and looked over his shoulder at Sarah. “I think this is the one.” Sarah grinned. “I think so too. And don’t you dare tell Alex that I showed it to you.” “I wouldn’t dream of it,” Kevin said. Sarah came around the couch and sat beside Kevin, discreetly shoving the magazine beneath the cushion of the couch. Kevin knew she would probably forget about it and they’d find it there a week later. The pizza had been a success, but Kristin had once again kicked him out of the kitchen, instead employing AJ to help deposit the few dishes they’d created into the dishwasher. “Oh, hey,” Sarah said, nodding to the book open in Kevin’s lap. “That’s a cute picture of you two.” Kevin looked at the picture and grunted in agreement. “Dishes are done, man,” AJ announced, dancing into the living room. AJ’s dancing was only sexy when he consciously tried. Not on the stage and not in the club it involved a lot of cheesy grins and butt wagging and jumping from one foot to the other. Kevin shook his head and smiled, but when AJ stopped his dance and threw himself into one of the large leather chairs, stretched out, limbs hanging off the edges making him seem longer, larger, than he actually was. When he sighed and his whole body seemed to relax, suddenly he was sex incarnate and Kevin felt a lust that hadn’t been there in weeks. Sarah laughed Kevin’s favorite laugh, the easy carefree laugh that was high and almost a cackle. She lifted herself from the couch, using Kevin’s shoulder for leverage. Sarah sat on AJ’s stomach and kissed AJ’s nose and AJ smiled Kevin’s favorite smile, kissing Sarah neatly on the mouth, his hands gravitating naturally to her hips. Kristin sat beside Kevin and he stopped staring, but even Kristin could tell he was needy and jealous. It was rare. Kevin loved Sarah, but once in awhile it was there. Kristin rubbed Kevin’s arm, her fingernails running in tracks over his shirtsleeves, her fingers plucking periodically at the hairs of his forearm as she and Sarah talked about the wedding reception venue. Location, really, but Kevin thought of everything in terms of venues. AJ’s fingers played at Sarah’s sides, tickling, but he watched Kevin. “Stay,” Kevin said when AJ followed him into the kitchen to make coffee. “I can’t,” AJ said, pulling mugs out of the cupboard. “Stay,” Kevin said again, stubbornly. “Really can’t, Kev. We’re going dancing. I told you yesterday.” Kevin leaned against AJ’s back, pushed him into the counter a little. “Back out,” he said, bending down so that his lips spoke the words against the skin of AJ’s neck. “Fuck,” AJ said. He pushed back momentarily, pressed his body against Kevin’s and then slipped away. “I don’t want to back out. Sarah’s going shopping for a day or two with Liz. They’re heading down to San Francisco. Getting a hotel. Leaving tomorrow.” Kevin nodded, fisted his hand and ran his knuckles across AJ’s stomach, lower. “Fuck, Kevin. I can’t stay,” AJ insisted. Kevin watched while AJ made the coffee. Stockholm, Sweden Howie had said do nothing and Kevin had no idea what to do and so he did just that. He had no idea if Howie told AJ about the hallway incident and he wasn’t about to ask. He was doing everything he could not to bring it up. AJ was his little brother, young, but not too young. Kevin caught himself thinking it, touching the tattoo while he was in the shower, staring at the upside down characters inked across his skin. Music. Pleasure. Hero worship. Kevin wasn’t used to being a role model. The hero worship thing freaked him out more than the crush. Kevin was used to crushes. He tried to act responsibly, set a good example for Nick, but hero worship was different. Kevin looked at himself in the mirror and thought that maybe he wasn’t the best person for AJ to look up to. He went to the gym and thought of the disgusting muscle enhancers that Johnny had found. All natural and Brian had laughed, steered Nick away from them. They’d all turned up their noses, but AJ had started taking them anyway. Kevin toweled the sweat from his neck and shoulders and ended his workout early, but he looked at the tattoo in the mirror while he changed and reminded himself that he was with Denise everyday and that AJ really was very young. AJ kissed him in Stockholm. It was after a concert. Kevin was the first to make it back to the dressing room. He pulled his tank top over his head, heard the door open, and then felt AJ’s mouth against his back. AJ started it, but once started Kevin did nothing to stop it. He turned and kissed AJ’s mouth, gripped AJ’s arms. AJ tasted faintly of the cigarette he’d smoked with Donna before the show. Kevin didn’t approve but he wasn’t about to say so, not when there were bigger things happening that he thought maybe he should approve of even less. “Shit,” AJ said when Kevin pulled away. The kiss had lasted only a few seconds and Kevin could hear Nick laughing out in the corridor. He could hear Brian shouting and he pulled away from AJ, started gathering his things. “I never actually thought you would,” AJ said. “Shit.” “Would what?” Brian asked, heading for the bathroom, tossing a towel onto the couch. AJ and Kevin ignored him. “I won’t,” Kevin corrected. “You’re too young.” “Nineteen,” AJ said. “Are you talking about the tattoo?” Nick asked. “Did you show him the design?” “Howie told me,” AJ said. “It’s not like you were taken by surprise. And you won’t but you did. Kevin. Please.” “I can’t,” Kevin insisted, but when they were back on the bus, when Howie was snoring quietly a little further down the aisle, AJ climbed into Kevin’s bunk and Kevin was finished protesting. In fact, he didn’t say anything at all, instead pulled AJ close and let AJ kiss him, gasped when AJ’s mouth skated over his naked hip, held a gentle hand over AJ’s mouth to keep him quiet as he went over the edge. When Kevin was alone again he thought that he was right when he told his mother that he didn’t want to be a father figure, that that wasn’t what AJ needed. Kevin thought that maybe he would rather be worshipped. Making love to AJ always started as a power struggle. They were both versatile. AJ could fuck Kevin any day he wanted and Kevin would open up and beg, but never without something of a fight first. “Maybe we should decide beforehand. That way we might avoid me flipping you off the bed trying to get you on your back,” Kevin suggested once. “Where’s the excitement in that?” AJ countered. “And that only happened once.” It started with kissing. Kevin entered AJ’s house, ran from his car to the front door and came in out of the rain, moved to turn on the light and AJ was on him, his shirt already on the floor, pushing his tongue past Kevin’s lips as he pulled Kevin toward the stairs. ‘Fuck. It’s been too long,” AJ grunted after they’d maneuvered the stairs and made it down the hallway. AJ had Kevin against the bedroom door, his mouth on Kevin’s neck, his fingers scratching over Kevin’s shoulders. Kevin reached behind him with his free hand, the other wedged between the hot skin of AJ’s back and the denim of his jeans, trying to get in, trying to get a head start. With his free hand he struggled with the doorknob, his wrist not quite at the right angle to make it easy. AJ moved up to Kevin’s jaw, licking along the line of it and then biting just below Kevin’s ear. “Oh,” Kevin said and tried to slip his hand further into AJ’s jeans. AJ laughed and pulled Kevin’s hand away at the same time that Kevin managed to get the door open and they stumbled inside. The room was neat, unused, much like AJ’s room in Kevin’s house across town. It was dark and Kevin pulled the shades to let in the fading light of the late afternoon. It had stopped raining, but the sky remained overcast. AJ had stripped off his clothes and was pulling down the sheets of the bed when Kevin turned away from the windows. “Come on,” AJ said impatiently, waving Kevin over to him. Kevin stretched slowly and then removed his shirt just as slowly. AJ rolled his eyes, but he was grinning. “Fuck you. You can give me a fucking lap dance later.” Kevin ignored him and took his time taking off his pants and boxers. He must have gone a bit too far when he picked his jeans up off the floor and began to fold them because suddenly AJ was there, cursing again and palming Kevin’s side, pushing him toward the bed. Kevin laughed and let AJ shove him back so that the backs of his knees hit the mattress and he collapsed onto the sheets. He breathed in the fabric as AJ climbed into the bed with him and frowned when it was exactly as he expected. Fresh linen, generic, no trace of them left in the room at all. Except that they were there and AJ was naked over him, and it didn’t get any more real than that. Any more present. AJ was pushing his thighs apart with his knees and there was no way that Kevin was going to let him get away with that while he was distracted by the smell of the sheets. It wouldn’t be that easy. He gripped AJ’s arms and pushed AJ aside, flipping his leg over and twisting until their positions were reversed and AJ growled up at him. Kevin kissed down AJ’s chest until he reached his destination. He spread his hands across AJ’s stomach, his thumb dipping into AJ’s navel, his fingers feeling the rise and fall of AJ’s chest. He kisses AJ’s thigh and then moved up and in and AJ cursed again when Kevin’s mouth finally closed over the tip of his cock, one hand leaving AJ’s stomach to stroke the base. Kevin smiled against AJ’s sensitive skin, paying close attention to AJ’s reactions, to the gasps and the whimpering, to AJ’s hands in Kevin’s short hair. He waited until AJ was close, frantic beneath him and then he slowly moved his hand from AJ’s stomach, carefully trailed his fingers down AJ’s skin until they were pressed firmly behind AJ’s balls. “Fuck,” AJ said, pulling away from orgasm and realizing what Kevin was doing. He clenched his legs tight and Kevin removed his hand. He removed both hands and his mouth too and AJ cursed him again. “I fucking missed this,” AJ said, sitting up and backing Kevin up until he was leaning against the headboard, AJ’s hands on his knees. Kevin didn’t think he needed to voice his absolute agreement. AJ’s mouth teased his left nipple and AJ leaned in close until their cocks were pressed together and Kevin was able to thrust up against him a little, but he lacked the leverage to do anything more. “This round is mine,” AJ said and bit Kevin’s skin a little too gently. Kevin grunted a negative response and gripped AJ’s shoulders, but Kevin couldn’t have been happier when AJ won the battle, his fingers inside, stretching, preparing. He couldn’t have been happier when he came in AJ’s hand, his long legs thrown over AJ’s shoulders, or when AJ leaned in afterward and said, “I’ll let you win next time.” Paris, France Kevin quickly found out that AJ wasn’t one for romance and Kevin wasn’t much for being romanced and so they generally left it for someone who would actually appreciate the effort. They tried to do the dating thing but it was awkward unless they didn’t say it was a date, just went out as they usually did, nothing special, none of the dating formalities. They’d save those for people that would appreciate them as well. Even without the formalities the guys gave them slack, laughing and making kissing noises during rehearsals when Johnny left the room, stopping only when Kevin glared or Johnny returned. They were rehearsing every day, preparing for their first really big tour. Thirty-seven cities in two months. Jane was at home this time around and Nick was bouncing off the walls day in and day out, free from her watchful eye. The rest of them were drained by the end of the day, but AJ made sure they saved energy for sex. Of course they did. AJ was nineteen and Kevin was only old by Nick’s standards, but sometimes he had trouble keeping up, though he would rather eat haggis than admit to it. It was two weeks of nothing but non-stop rehearsals and sex and then Brian rushed into Kevin’s hotel room and announced that they had two days off. “You’re kidding,” AJ said. “Two days in a row?” “Two days,” Brian confirmed, “and then the tour starts and we can kiss any off time goodbye.” They talked it over and decided to go to Paris because it wasn’t too far from where they were rehearsing in Germany and they had never gotten to explore the city. Two full days of mocking French accents and sight seeing. AJ bitched when the guys went their own way while Kevin dragged him to the Louvre and the Place de la Cite. “Churches and dead artists,” he grumbled. “They’re probably already in a club somewhere and we’re in a frickin’ church.” “Shut up,” Kevin said. “I’ll make it up to you later.” AJ wasn’t complaining that evening when the others did actually go to a club and they stayed behind and locked themselves in their hotel room. They were two of the fastest days of Kevin’s life and then they were back on the bus, AJ in the bunk below him, Howie snoring farther down the aisle, on their whirlwind European tour. “How are things between you and Kristin?” AJ asked, returning from a run to the bathroom. “Good,” Kevin said, but his answer was short, clipped, he felt it as soon as it left his lips. “Why?” It wasn’t an unusual question, really. Kevin asked AJ how he and Sarah were all of the time. It was the tone that caught Kevin off guard. He felt accused. AJ shrugged. “Why?” Kevin asked again. “When we came over for dinner. Kristin asked me to help with dishes and kicked you and Sarah out of the kitchen.” AJ climbed back into the bed, pulled up the blankets and turned to watch Kevin. Kevin stared at the ceiling. “Yeah?” he prodded. “She was worried. She asked if you were planning on leaving her. Leaving us.” Kevin froze and then sat up, the blankets falling around his waist. “Why would she think that?” he demanded as though AJ might have made it up. He knew that AJ would never make something like that up. AJ shrugged. “I don’t know. She’s with you more than I am. I wasn’t sure what to say.” “Of course I’m not thinking of leaving her.” “How about me?” “What? No,” Kevin shook his head in disbelief. “I love you. That’s ridiculous. Where would I go?” He kissed AJ’s forehead and then reached across AJ and grabbed the scrapbook from the bedside table, propped a pillow behind his back. AJ watched him open to where he’d left off. Ghent, Belgium They’d had the arrangement since the beginning. Or not quite but they were so on again off again at that point that it was the same thing. He’d brought it up in Europe, only a few days after he found a cheap flight and flew Kristin along the Atlantic Ocean to travel with him. She’d never been to Europe, had been thrilled and surprised when he’d asked, said it was an early birthday present so she had to accept. He told her somewhere in Belgium. Kristin sat on his bed, looked up at him with large frowning blue eyes and Kevin told her everything. Laid it all out and Kristin frowned and shrugged. “It’s not like I was sitting there waiting for you while you were gone either,” she said. Kevin had sort of thought she was. “Hey,” she said, getting up on her knees and circling Kevin’s wrists with her hands. “Don’t you get hypocritical on me.” Kevin shook his head. “Listen,” she said. “I’m happy for you guys. Just don’t make me look stupid. I mean, no one knows now, so you won’t. But not ever. You guys are going to blow up and I won’t make you look stupid, but you can’t make me look that way either. Not ever.” Kevin shook his head again. “I just want us both going into this with our eyes open,” she said and pulled him down to her mouth. She’d only been able to stay for a few weeks, but she saw more of Europe in those two weeks than she could have bargained for and she was smiling in every picture. AJ yanked the book from Kevin’s hands and threw it aside on the couch. Kevin was about to reach it when AJ slid into Kevin’s lap, kneeling over him on the couch and removing his shirt. Kevin’s hands were drawn immediately to the ink on AJ’s arms, his fingers sliding over the skin to grip, to hold him there. AJ kissed hard, his tongue demanding entrance to Kevin’s mouth, but once inside he was gentle, tasting, his hands roaming, moving up underneath Kevin’s shirt to rest on the bare skin of his chest. AJ kissed and teased until Kevin was moaning, pushing up against AJ, his fingers on the zipper to AJ’s jeans. He’d almost gotten the button when AJ removed his hands, reclaimed Kevin’s mouth, and Kevin thought okay, if that’s what he wants and went to remove his own shirt instead. AJ started to move again and Kevin tried to stop him, tried to hold onto AJ’s bottom lip with his teeth, but AJ laughed and pushed him away. “Go home,” AJ ordered, pulling Kevin’s shirt back into place where Kevin had lifted it. “I am,” Kevin said, reaching for his shirt again. Everything was a battle. “Your other home,” AJ insisted. Kevin nodded. He hadn’t forgotten their conversation the night before. “I love you, Kev,” AJ said, pushing himself out of Kevin’s lap. “I know,” Kevin said. He picked up the book and tucked it under his arm. Leaned down and kissed AJ again, then headed to his car. “Brian wants you to call him,” Kristin said, walking into the front hall while Kevin was removing his shoes. “I thought you were staying until Sunday.” Kevin tossed his shoes into the front closet, wiped his hands on his jeans, and opened his arms to his wife. “Come here,” he said. She frowned. “Are you okay?” she asked, but she moved into his arms, set her head on Kevin’s shoulder, her nose against his neck, and Kevin hugged her. Didn’t let go until she was laughing and tickling at his sides, begging to be released and then he did let her go, but his hands were on her waist still and he rubbed circles with his thumbs against the skin of her stomach. She kissed him, quick, clean, and then followed as he led her upstairs. Mannheim, Germany “That didn’t come from a mini-bar,” Kevin commented when AJ showed up at his door carrying a bottle of wine. The hotel they were staying at didn’t have a mini-bar, none of them did, but it got the question across. “Donna went for a run,” AJ explained. “She met a dude at the store. Gave her a bunch of free wine and she brought him back with her. Really cool guy. Doesn’t speak a whole lotta English though.” “I think I heard somewhere that German wine sucks,” Kevin said, taking the bottle from AJ. “It’s from France,” AJ said coming into the room. “I checked.” “Oh,” Kevin frowned. “Good.” “Anyway, they’re taking us all to a club of some sort, so get ready.” “I thought we were staying in tonight,” Kevin said, sipping from the bottle of wine and then handing it back to AJ. “We were but plans have changed. Come on, even Nick is coming.” Kevin ran his hands through his hair and closed the door. He pulled a pair of black jeans and a shirt that he thought was mostly clean from his suitcase and then they were out the door in a German club filled with smoke and bad music. Nick and AJ got too drunk and Brian found then in the bathroom, simultaneously puking. The pictures were taken before the puking began. Donna introduced them all to her blond German, but Kevin forgot his name by the end of the night and they never saw him again anyway. Kevin thought of him as Jochen. They all seemed to be Jochen. Kevin closed the book when he heard a key in the front door. Kristin was out with some of the girls and wouldn’t be home until the morning, which left AJ. “Hey,” Kevin said, greeting AJ in the kitchen. AJ had the refrigerator open and was pouring himself a glass of water. Kevin glanced at the clock. “It’s late. You went out?” “Yeah, I had a meeting and then a few of us caught a movie afterward.” Kevin frowned but didn’t say anything. AJ closed the door to the refrigerator and turned to face Kevin. He squinted and then shook his head and said, “Don’t think I don’t know what you’re thinking. A meeting, Kevin. You know, the kind I go to every damn week.” Kevin lifted his hands and said, “I wasn’t –“ but stopped before he finished, because he was. “Sorry,” he said instead. “You don’t need to worry about me.” “I always worry about you. I almost lost you,” Kevin said, moving around the island and resting his cheek against the short spiked hair at the back of AJ’s head. “You didn’t,” AJ said and downed most of the glass of water. “Not yet,” Kevin whispered, and then said louder, “You smell like popcorn.” “Not ever,” AJ said and set his glass in the sink. Stuttgart, Germany “Wow,” AJ said, staring up at the paintings on the ceiling. It was their last day in Germany before flying back and then beginning their Canadian tour and AJ was less than thrilled when Kevin dragged him to another museum. “Who names a museum the Palace of Solitude?” AJ muttered. But that was before he actually saw the famous ceiling paintings of Guibal and Fresken. He was pretty quiet after that. They were all looking forward to leaving Europe the next morning, getting back on home soil, if only for a week. But then, Canada was pretty close to home, so that would be nice too. Brian and Nick stayed behind to pack. Their hotel room literally looked like a hurricane had hit and it would take them all afternoon to sort through it. Howie was off somewhere, perusing the rooms of the museum at his leisure. Denise came into the main hall from the south wing, dragging Howie behind her. “All right boys. Last day in Germany. Everybody outside for a picture.” She gathered them in front of the building, AJ in the middle, Howie and Kevin on either side. Kevin had his hand on AJ’s ass and he squeezed a little right before Denise snapped the photograph so that AJ’s mouth was open in shock, his eyes wide. Howie was laughing. Kevin sipped his coffee and turned the page, frowned when he was greeted with the blank brown paper. He flipped ahead a little thinking that maybe Denise had accidentally skipped a page, there had been one missing back in 1996, but the rest of the book was empty. “It stops,” Kevin said, flipping through the empty pages until he reached the end. “Yeah,” AJ said, turning away from the television to glance over Kevin’s shoulder. “I think it’s supposed to be a European themed thing.” “Maybe she only wanted to include the happy things.” A lot had happened since March of 1997. “We’re happy,” AJ said, turning off the television and setting his soda on the coffee table. “I’m happy.” “We weren’t though. There was everything in between. And we’re drifting.” Kevin shut the scrapbook. “We’re drifting back,” AJ pointed out. “Because of this. Because of Europe,” Kevin said, placing his hand palm open on the blue cover of the book for emphasis. “We’re not going to drift apart,” AJ insisted. He took the book out of Kevin’s lap and set it aside. “We all are. The fellas. You and me. Kristin thinks I’m going to up and leave her. We all are.” Kevin hadn’t said it aloud yet. Had been thinking it for the last few months but wasn’t able to say it. Saying it made it seem true. “We aren’t. You’re afraid of losing people. You always have been, but you’re not losing any of us. You’re pushing away and none of us will let you.” Kevin didn’t say anything. He was used to being right. AJ moved to sit on the table so that he was looking directly at Kevin. Kevin didn’t quite meet his gaze. They were all doing their own things. They all had lives of their own, apart from one another. Kevin did too. They’d taken breaks before, but this time they seemed to be moving on. Babies and solo albums and charities and Kevin couldn’t help but feel like it was the end of something he wasn’t ready to let go of. Kevin was always letting go of things too soon. They were taken away before he was ready, and he didn’t want to be ready for this, but if it was inevitable, if it was happening, he had to be prepared. AJ leaned forward and gripped Kevin’s knees, squeezed until finally Kevin looked up, met AJ’s eyes. “Stop pushing,” AJ said, slowly, and Kevin looked away. “Hey,” AJ said, at a normal pace this time. The patronizing tone was gone and Kevin listened. “Don’t do it to me. Call Nick and Brian. Talk to Howie for more than five minutes. They’re only distant because you’re keeping them that way, because you’ve been convinced that it’s over ever since Nick’s solo thing. And I agreed with you for a second there. It’s hard not to agree with you when I love you and we’re sleeping together.” AJ grinned. “But he’s not going anywhere, and I’m definitely not and if anything with this baby and Sarah and everything, you’re just gaining. Nobody’s lost anyone.” “When did you become the voice of reason in this relationship?” Kevin asked, and he couldn’t quite keep the sarcasm out of his tone. “Ah, how the tables have turned. No, seriously, ouch. I always have been, you’re just too stubborn to ever listen, man.” “Sure, okay,” Kevin smiled. He wasn’t losing family, he was gaining family. He liked the sound of it. “Why don’t we go to Europe,” AJ suggested. “Take a little vacation. All expenses paid. By me.” “You’re planning a wedding,” Kevin said. “Okay, you can pay for some of it too. Come on. We can leave this weekend.” “We can’t just pick up and go on vacation,” Kevin said, doubtfully. “I can. Sarah will be thrilled. That leaves you and Kristin.” AJ stood up and walked to the door. “Kris,” he yelled up the stairs, tap dancing in his sandals on the hardwood floor until Kristin called back. “Europe. This weekend. You up for it?” Kevin couldn’t quite hear Kristin’s response but he knew her and she wasn’t going to turn down an offer like that. She was probably already up there packing. AJ turned back to Kevin. “Looks like that just leaves you,” AJ shrugged. “Come over here and kiss me so I can go home and tell Sarah. It’ll take her all the time and then some between now and Friday to pack.” Kevin shook his head and stood from the couch. Los Angeles, USA Kevin sat beside AJ on the plane and took his hand. AJ wasn’t much for hand holding, Kevin knew, but he accepted it anyway, squeezed and grinned at Kevin. Sarah and Kristin were sitting a row behind them, reliving something stupid that AJ had apparently done a few weeks earlier and laughing loudly. AJ hooked his thumb and pointed back at them, rolling his eyes. “Women,” he said. Kevin smiled. He knew they would move on to him shortly. AJ had suggested that they invite the guys, have a bit of a family reunion, but it was such short notice and they were all so busy that Kevin couldn’t expect them to drop everything and fly across the sea. “We’ll see,” AJ said conspiratorially. “Maybe we’ll stay until they can get away. It’s not like we’re doing anything else.” AJ had made Kevin call the fellas while he and Sarah hastily put the trip together. Kevin hadn’t been avoiding anyone, despite what AJ believed, but he called anyway. It was always nice to catch up with them, his Backstreet brothers. “Oh, Thank God,” Nick said when he heard Kevin on the other end. “You were really starting to freak me out, man. I thought you were really pissed at me or something. Don’t fucking do that.” Maybe Kevin had pulled away just a little. “I should have called Denise,” Kevin said as the stewardess demonstrated how to put on the oxygen mask. “You can call when we get there,” AJ said. Kevin stared out the window as the plane took off, destined for Chicago, New York, and then finally Amsterdam. He didn’t know where they’d go but he wanted to see it all again, the Berlin Wall, the Palace of Solitude, the Louvre, all of the museums that AJ had whined about the first time that Kevin had dragged him through them. He wanted to hit them all and then move on to all of the places that they’d missed, the places they only got to see through tinted glass. Kevin wanted to fall in love again. Theirs was a relationship forged on the rich backdrop of crumbling history, founded in a bus as all of Europe watched on. To Kevin, looking back, it seemed magical in it’s normalcy. He wanted to fall in love again, with AJ and with Kristin. “Let’s fall in love again,” he said, just to solidify it, to make it real. “Sure,” AJ said. “Everyday.” Not romantic, my ass, Kevin thought. “We’ll finish the scrapbook.” Kevin had brought it with him, had remembered it at the last second and stuffed it into his carry on. “It wasn’t Europe,” AJ said a little later. He’d left to use the facilities and Kevin was almost asleep while he was away. Now AJ stood in the aisle, pulling his backpack out of the overhead compartment. AJ had matching luggage but he always carried the backpack anyway. “What wasn’t Europe?” Kevin asked when AJ sat back down and began rummaging through his bag. “Europe was nothing, man. Did we even fall in love in Europe? No.” “We might have. I don’t think there was a definitive love line.” AJ shook his head. “Europe was hormones and crushes and sex. We got together in Europe but this, love, all of it, came afterward. It all came in the mess that happened afterward.” Kevin began to protest but AJ continued. “I mean, I’m not going to tell you when you fell in love, man. Maybe it was in Germany and you can romanticize it all you want while we’re there. But I fell in love with you in Missouri.” “Missouri,” Kevin repeated. “Yeah,” AJ said. “Missouri. Excuse me, miss?” He asked flagging down the stewardess. Kevin tuned him out. He couldn’t remember a damn thing about Missouri. It was true though, whether it was Missouri or North Carolina or Florida, Kevin had never even mentioned love, thought about it until well after they’d left Germany. Missouri. He’d have to ask AJ about it later. “Would you mind?” he heard AJ say to the stewardess and he turned away from the window. AJ handed her his camera. “Montreal,” Kevin said. “Really?” AJ asked as the stewardess fiddled with the buttons on the camera. He grinned. “That was before Missouri.” “Or after. We were in Montreal a lot. Maybe we should get off in Chicago,” Kevin suggested. AJ shrugged. “You wanted to do it all over again. Might as well give Europe a chance.” He nudged Kevin and turned toward the camera. “Smile, old man.” Kevin smiled as the stewardess took the photograph. |