"It's not for me," Brian said, just as Howie stepped onto the bus.

"How would you know? Kevin asked. "You've never tried it."

Brian, clearly controlling his voice in an attempt to keep Kevin calm, agreed. "True. I haven't. But you have, and if it was so fantastic, why'd you marry a woman?" Well, Brian sort of agreed anyway.

Kevin's face turned a little red and Howie hesitated in the doorway, contemplated rushing back to the other bus before they pulled out of the parking lot. Howie'd come to expect things from Brian and Kevin's bus. He expected things from Nick and AJ's bus too. On Nick and AJ's bus he expected bickering and yelling and groupies and playboy models and farting contests. On Nick and AJ's bus, Howie ended up playing group mediator a lot of the time and that was okay because he expected it. They needed that from him, and Howie ended up spending more time on Nick and AJ's bus than he did on Brian and Kevin's.

On Brian and Kevin's bus, Howie expected wives and children and cartoons. He expected a certain level of maturity. He expected a frosted breakfast in the morning and little sticky fingers all over his clothes, but he also expected the little sticky fingers to be in bed shortly after the bus pulled away from the venue and then Howie expected a relaxing bus ride with a glass of wine, good conversation, and no one trying to paint his toenails black.

Usually, at least in the case of the buses, Howie got what he expected. When he didn't, on those unusual nights when AJ and Nick were calm and subdued, when someone, usually Kevin, managed to get everyone else on his bus riled up about one issue or another, Howie wasn't quite sure what to do with himself.

"It wasn't even like-" Kevin was frustrated, flustered. "I was with Kris before anything with Greg even - Kristin is everything to me, and I'm sorry, man. I just don't really think that has anything to do with gender. And the fact that I love Kris and will be with Kris doesn't change the fact that physically, being with a guy? It was pretty fucking amazing. Howie, back me up here."

And now it was too late for Howie to escape. He felt the bus jerk a little as it started to roll out of the lot and Howie threw his bag on the couch and said "Um. I don't - what's going on?"

Brian rolled his eyes. "It's Kevin's annual 'try something new' rant. It's ridiculous. I mean, last time it was sushi, and okay. I tried that sashimi thing and the California roll and whatever else it was that you tossed on my plate, and it wasn't as gross as I thought it would be, but come on, man. You read an article on some website and all of a sudden it's all 'Brian, why haven't you ever slept with a man?' Really, what kind of question is that?"

"I just think that if you were open-minded and -"

"Hold up," Brian cut Kevin off with a short laugh. "Open-minded? You're kidding, right?"

"I'm not saying that you're not open-minded, I'm just saying don't knock it till you try it, you know?"

"But where are you hearing the knocking, dude? You say 'You know, this article says blab blah percentage of people have had same sex experiences. You ever fool around with a guy?' I say 'Nope.' You say 'I did. It was awesome.' I say 'That's cool. I remember Greg. He was a nice guy.' And you jump down my throat! Howie, have I ever been close-minded about any of your relationships?"

Howie sighed and went to the fridge for that glass of wine. He was starting to think he'd need it. "What relationships?"

"See?" Brian said and Howie was pretty sure that Brian hadn't even heard his response.

"Okay," Kevin conceded. "I still think it's a valuable life experience and it's one that you're lacking."

"I think I'll survive. I have tried sushi after all. Last year you said that a piece of my life was missing because I'd never tried sushi, and you know what? It was okay. I didn't even gag. But it wasn't exactly life fulfillment wrapped in rice."

"What if Baylee turns out to be gay? Wouldn't you want to know what your son is going through?"

Howie downed half a glass of wine and poured himself some more. "Wine, anyone?"

"Please," Kevin said emphatically.

"No, thank you. I'll be able to be there just fine for my son if that turns out to be the case. I don't think I need to cheat on my wife in order to do that."

"Oh, you know I wasn't saying you should - I wouldn't tell you to - Brian," Kevin sputtered and then looked to Howie for help or possibly for the glass of wine. Howie handed him the wine.

Brian had stopped talking and was staring at Howie now.

"Do you want a glass?" Howie asked, though he was sure he'd remembered Brian declining the wine a moment earlier. Brian kept staring at Howie until Howie put the glass down and said, "What?"

Howie was really starting to miss the relaxing evening he would have had getting a pedicure on Nick and AJ's bus.

"Okay," Brian said and seemed to snap out of it. "How about this. I kiss Howie. Howie's a man. I'll kiss Howie and you'll be happy, you'll shut up and I'll be happy. And Howie'll be, well, Howie just looks kind of scared right now, but two of us will be happy. And two out of three? Well, it ain't bad." Brian smiled and turned to Kevin.

Kevin shrugged. "Okay."

"Wait," Howie said.

"Come on," Brian insisted. "Kevin thinks kissing me will enrich your life."

"Why don't you kiss Kevin?" Howie suggested and his voice cracked a little. Embarassing.

"Incest isn't until next year," Brian joked and then quickly turned to Kevin. "Which was not a statement against either kissing men or kissing you. Just so we're clear."

"Shut up," Kevin grumbled.

"Howie, sit down," Brian ordered.

Howie gripped the counter. "Why can't you do it standing up?"

"I don't want to. Sit down. Please."

"Howie," Kevin said, as though Howie was just trying to be contrary and it was all just so exhausting for Kevin to have to put up with. It was Kevin's Nick voice.

"Fine," Howie grumbled. He downed his glass of wine, setting down the glass a little too hard and then he sat down. "Okay?"

"Thank you," Brian said, and then climbed into Howie's lap, straddling Howie, his hands on Howie's shoulders.

"Is this really necessary?" Howie asked, uncomfortable. Howie liked personal space. He'd always liked personal space. The problem with being a Backstreet Boy was that no one cared that Howie liked personal space.

"Yes," Brian said, and pressed a finger to Howie's mouth. "Now shut up."

"Brian -" Howie started, but was cut off by Brian's lips. Brian's kisses were short, quick, as though Brian was testing the water, and Howie thought okay, this he could handle. Brian will make his point and Kevin will drink his wine and Brian will get out of Howie's lap and that would be that.

"Y'all are very convincing," Kevin said, dryly. "None of this is at all awkward to watch."

Brian gripped Howie's shoulders a bit harder with Kevin's words and the next kiss was longer and there was a little movement this time, a flutter of breath against Howie's lips. Howie gasped and shifted beneath Brian and his hands crept up from the cushion to rest on Brian's knees. It was ridiculous. The whole thing was ridiculous and Howie really couldn't believe Brian had even suggested it.

"So what do you think?" Kevin asked. Howie opened his eyes and saw Kevin take a sip of his wine. Kevin looked like he was trying really hard to be both uninterested in the kissing and yet interested in Brian's reaction. And then Howie felt Brian trying to kiss his mouth open and Howie made a noise in his throat and watched Kevin shift in his seat and turn away. Howie fought Brian a bit, tried to bring things back down to the quick light kisses, which were nice, really nice, and they brought with them a slight chance that Howie would be able to get Brian out of his lap before Brian realized that Howie was aroused by the whole ridiculous act.

It almost worked too. Brian went along with the short chaste kisses, kissing along Howie's lower lip, down to Howie's jawline, and then back up again to the corner of Howie's mouth. And then he moved, just a slight movement of his hips and that was it. Howie knew then that there was no fucking way Brian was fooled. Brian knew exactly what he was doing to Howie, had known all along. Howie felt his ears start to burn and his hands pushed at Brian's knees.

"Okay," Howie said. "Brian, okay. Come on, man."

Brian kissed Howie one last time, muffled Howie's protest and then climbed out of Howie's lap and collapsed onto the couch beside him. His body rested comfortably against Howie's side. Howie almost hated Brian right then.

Howie coughed and closed his eyes for a second and he was pretty sure that he heard Brian say "Sorry," but it was hard to tell over the ringing in his ears.

When Howie opened his eyes, Kevin was watching them.

Kevin crossed his legs, took another sip of his wine, and raised his eyebrows.

Brian shrugged against Howie's side. "Not bad," he said. "Better than the California roll."

Howie choked a little. He didn't even want to think about the fact that Brian was comparing him to sushi. Mostly, Howie was just glad that AJ was not there because Howie knew there was some sort of sick joke in there just waiting to be made.

"Um," Howie said after a long awkward pause.

"I told you it would shut Kevin up," Brian said, and it was probably Howie's imagination, but Brian's voice sounded a little smaller now.

Kevin didn't say anything, just took another sip of his wine.

"Right," Howie said, determined to get things back to normal. "I think I need a drink. Bri?"

"Oh God, yes," Brian said, and pressed a hand against Howie's thigh for leverage as he pushed himself up off the couch and walked the four steps to the counter where Howie had left the wine and the glasses.

**

"So, um, Brian's a good kisser," Howie said the next day to Nick.

"Huh?"

"Brian's a good kisser."

Nick pulled his sweaty t-shirt over his head and then tossed it into a pile in the corner. "No, I heard you. I just wouldn't have guessed it."

"Yeah," Howie agreed.

Nick wiped his chest off with a towel and then pulled on a clean shirt. "Huh," he said again.

"Brian's a good kisser and he didn't even want to kiss me. Imagine how good he would be if he wanted to and wasn't doing it just because Kevin told him to."

Nick was quiet for a minute as he pulled a comb through his hair. "huh."

"Yeah," Howie said and then stopped. "Actually, imagining that probably isn't a very good idea."

Nick made a noise and tossed a towel at Howie. Howie'd just kind of been standing there, still wearing his clothes from the show, but the towel that Nick tossed hit him in the face and Howie remembered what he was supposed to be doing. He wiped his face and dropped the towel onto a nearby table.

"Um," Nick said, looking up when AJ entered the dressing room, singing to himself. "What the hell are you guys doing on that bus, anyway?"

"Nothing," Howie said quickly.

"So like, are you going to be riding over there from now on? Am I gonna have to kiss you to make you hang out with me now?"

"What?" Howie asked, and was kind of stumped by the hurt looked on Nick's face. "No, you don't have to kiss me."

"I don't even want to know what you two are going on about," AJ said from across the room. The room was small, so across the room was practically right next to Howie and Nick.

"So I guess I'll see you tomorrow then," Nick said and knocked Howie's shoulder. Nick was changed and ready before Howie had even taken off his shoes. It had been a strange couple of days.

"Nicky," Howie said, just as Nick was about to disappear into the hall. "I'll see you in twenty minutes. I'm not riding on that bus tonight, Nick. I'm staying as far away from those two freaks as I can until their wives come back."

Nick shrugged as though he wasn't just acting kind of pissed about the whole thing. "Whatever."

"Dude. Kevin managed to scare you off? I'm impressed" AJ said when Nick had gone.

**

Everything was fine after that. Kristin was back on tour, though Leigh and Baylee were still in Atlanta. Howie blushed around Brian, because the whole thing was just embarrassing, and Brian seemed to think it was pretty funny, and Howie stuck to Nick and AJ's bus and even let AJ paint his toenails black.

"I told AJ that you think Brian's a good kisser," Nick said over a cup of coffee early one morning. There was something about the movement of the bus that woke Nick up in a way that a hotel bed never could.

Howie was still half asleep. He cradled the mug in his hands and breathed deep. "Why?"

"He was saying something about something, and I don't know. It just came up. I don't remember."

Howie shrugged. "I don't care," he said. It's not like Brian kissing him was some big secret.

"Okay," Nick said. "AJ was surprised too."

"That Brian was a good kisser?"

"No, that Brian was kissing you."

"He wasn't kissing me."

"Okay," Nick said. "I think I'm going to make eggs or something. Do you want toast?"

**

"So Rok," AJ started after the show a few days later. He turned to Howie and winked. "Howie here is spreading rumors that you've got a talented mouth."

"Ew," Nick said and crossed his arms over his chest. Kristin brushed a hand through his hair and Nick knocked it away, but then smiled apologetically.

"Oh yeah? That's very nice of him. Kissing Howie was a very life changing thing," Brian said, and then smiled over at Kevin. Kevin made a face. "You know what I mean, Kev?"

Nick sat up. "Kevin kissed Howie too?"

"What? No!"

"Okay, D, don't get all worked up about it," Kevin grumbled.

"Brian's not kissing me either."

"That's not what I've heard," AJ said and nudged Nick. Nick slapped his arm.

The problem was that Howie was an easy target. Howie had always been an easy target. And AJ, Brian, even Nick? They loved easy targets. And so predictably they loved Howie. Which would have been nice, if loving Howie didn't go hand in hand with torturing Howie. Usually Kevin was Howie's only ally, but now it appeared that even Kevin was turning on him.

"Ask him. He'll do it again if you want him to. Anything to prove a point, right?"

"Well, not anything," Brian said. "Sashimi? I'm done with that. I'm not proving any more points with sashimi." Kevin glared and Brian sighed dramatically. "Kevin's jealous."

"Go ahead," Kevin prodded AJ. "Ask him."

"Guys," Howie said, and it was supposed to sound like a warning, but it came off a little too 'aw, shucks' and Howie could feel himself blush a little.

"Leave Howie alone," Nick said, and pinched AJ.

"Ouch, weasel. Geez. You're like twelve."

"Nick's right," Kristin said and she was trying to be serious, but even Howie could hear the smile in her voice. Howie missed Leighanne. Leighanne wouldn't think this was funny. Leighanne would roll her eyes and swat at Brian until Brian conceded and let the whole thing drop. Leighanne hated when they picked on the little guy. And now Howie was even thinking of himself as the little guy, which was just kind of sad when he thought about it.

"You're not fooling anyone, Kris," Kevin said and Howie's face was red. He could feel it. Howie really missed Leighanne.

"Well, okay. I'm a little curious. A little," Kristin conceded. "I mean, they're not two people who you'd think - It's not an easy thing to picture. You and AJ, I can picture that happening. AJ will kiss just about anyone, so that's not hard. Howie and Nick," Kristin's shoulders bounced as though she was weighing the idea. "I can maybe see that, but Howie and Brian just comes up blank."

"You're picturing us kissing," AJ said. "I don't know if I'm disturbed by it or a little turned on."

"I'm not picturing it," Kristin clarified. "I mean, it's not something I've thought about on a day to day basis."

"This is so inappropriate," Nick grumbled, and AJ looked at him like he was insane.

"I think I just can't picture Brian kissing anyone," Kristin admitted.

"I think that should offend me," Brian countered, immediately, though he didn't sound very offended at all.

"I'm disturbed," Nick said.

"No shit," AJ snapped. "Brian, kiss Howie."

Howie wasn't expecting it. He jumped. "What?!"

"Kiss him," AJ said.

And then Brian was standing next to him, a hand on Howie's shoulder.

Howie put his hands up. "You know, I really - I like my space, and no offense, Bri, but right now I'd really like you to stand a little further away, if you don't mind. It's just, you know, it's this tour and living on a bus and there's not, there's not a lot of space on a bus, and we're just, you're too close."

Brian squeezed his shoulder, massaged a bit, but didn't move away. "Howie," he said. "Close your eyes."

"Oh God," Nick said, and shut his own eyes, covering them with his hands.

Howie looked at Nick and then back at Brian.

"I won't make you sit down this time," Brian said and then he kissed Howie.

Howie was surprised and Brian had no trouble at all this time easing Howie's mouth open, breathing in Howie's breath, tentatively touching Howie's tongue. It was weird. It was really fucking weird kissing Brian like this while everyone watched. While everyone except Nick watched, because Howie couldn't see him anymore, but he knew Nick was still covering his face. That was weird too.

"Okay," Kevin said. "Okay. We get the point."

Howie blinked and backed away from Brian. The whole thing was so quick this time, and Howie was thankful for that, because the kiss was ten times more arousing than all the kisses that they'd shared a few nights earlier.

AJ's mouth was hanging open, his hand gripping Nick's in an attempt to keep Nick's hands from covering Nick's face. Nick's eyes were squeezed shut and he opened one, saw that it was all over and pulled his hands from AJ's grip.

"Okay then," AJ said, and nodded appreciatively.

"Well," Kristin cleared her throat. "I can picture it now."

**

"I wish you hadn't done that," Howie said, shortly after the bus pulled away from the venue. They had a day off tomorrow, and none of them could wait to get to the hotel. Nick was staring out the window, his knee twitching, restless.

"Oh, come on," AJ said. "I saw your face. You enjoyed it."

Howie shook his head. "It's fun for him. He thinks he's messing with Kevin. It doesn't mean anything and I just - I don't think he gets it."

"Gets what?" Nick asked from the couch, his knee still bouncing.

"Nevermind."

"Gets what?" Nick asked again.

"I don't think he gets that he's messing with me. He thinks it's some kind of game."

"Oh," Nick said. "So you like, want him?"

"No," Howie shook his head. "No, I mean. He's a good kisser. That's all."

"So you want him," AJ repeated, except this time it was a statement.

"I don't want him."

"Want me to tell him to quit playin' games with your heart?" AJ asked and Nick snorted and went back to staring out the window.

"I hate you," Howie grumbled.

"I hate that song," Nick said.

"Oh, you know you love that song," AJ countered, and then did a mock rendition of Howie and Nick's stair dance, except without the stairs.

"Okay, maybe I like it a little," Nick agreed and then kicked AJ as AJ passed.

Howie had to admit that he liked it a little too, despite the fact that they'd sung it God knew how many times in the last decade or so. He liked it enough that he was a little more than disappointed during their next concert when the time came for Nick to call Howie to the steps and Howie turned to see that Nick wasn't there. Nick was on the other side of the stage, one arm slung around AJ's shoulders, singing away. It was the same the next night, and the night after that, when not only did Nick snub him on stage, he snubbed him in the dressing room afterward too. Howie looked around and his eyes met Brian and Brian shrugged and shook his head, and it wasn't until then that Howie realized that Nick was snubbing Brian too.

**

"What's going on with you?" Howie asked, catching up to Nick backstage and stopping him with a hand on his shoulder.

"Nothing."

"Who are you mad at? Me?"

"No! I'm not mad at you," Nick said and shook his shoulder free of Howie's grip. "You're standing too close."

Howie thought Nick was probably mocking him, but he took a step back anyway.

"Brian?" Howie asked.

"Of course not," Nick said, a little two quickly. He tried to recover. "Brian's the bee's knees."

"The bee's knees," Howie repeated.

"Yeah, Brian's great. Brian's always been great. Brian's perfect. The bee's knees."

Howie laughed. "Brian's far from perfect."

"He's a great kisser," Nick said. It sounded like an accusation.

"So what. A lot of people are great kissers."

Nick shrugged.

"You're mad at Brian," Howie said.

"I'm not mad at - Brian's my best friend."

"So you're mad at me," Howie concluded.

"I'm not mad at anyone! Dude. Leave me alone." And with that Nick walked away.

**

Later, as they passed cornfields and truck stops in the dark, Nick sat down next to Howie in the back of the bus.

"Sorry," he said.

Howie shrugged. "It's okay. You're allowed to be upset. I just, you know, I want to know why is all. I want to know how to fix it."

Nick shrugged. "I don't know what's wrong with me."

"Okay," Howie said.

"I'm not mad at you," Nick said. "I'm sorry."

Howie nodded. He watched Nick for a little while. Watched Nick flip stations on the television, shift a little, trying to get comfortable. He turned and smiled at Howie before moving his eyes back to the television.

"Okay," Howie said again.

**

"So, um, I think Nick's jealous," Howie said when he finally managed to get Brian in a room alone.

"Jealous?" Brian asked.

"I think he's like - I think he might be mad at me for kissing you."

"You didn't kiss me," Brian said, reasonably. "And why would that make Nick jealous? You think Nick maybe wants to kiss you too?"

"What? Of course not. I think he wants to kiss you. But I'm not sure he even knows that's what he wants. He like, he idolizes you. You're his best friend. The bee's knees."

Brian snorted. "The bee's knees. Come on, Howie. Everyone knows that Nick hasn't idolized me in years."

"Come on, Brian. You should know by now that we all kind of idolize you just a little."

Brian looked down. "Well, you probably shouldn't."

Howie raised an eyebrow.

"I'm just saying, I'm maybe not - I'm not the bee's knees, okay?"

"Brian -"

"I'm not."

"You're the definition of -"

"I liked kissing you," Brian said. "I liked it, Howie."

"What?"

Brian just shook his head and turned away. Howie grabbed his shoulder.

"Who cares? It's kissing. Everyone likes kissing."

"I'm not supposed to - Howie, I thought that if I kissed you, and if I kissed you in front of people then it wouldn't feel like anything and it would mean - I don't know what I thought it would mean. It wouldn't mean anything, I guess, but it's not really - Kev was right. I liked it and I want to. I don't know what I want to do. I can't do anything, so I guess it doesn't really matter, does it?"

Brian wasn't perfect. Hadn't Howie said those words to Nick not two days ago? Brian liked to mess with people. Not cruelly mess with people, just - the kind of mess with people that was supposed to be all in good fun, the kind that resulted in toothpaste on your toilet seat and Brian and Nick snickering on the other side of the doorway. Brian liked to mess with people and Brian liked kissing Howie more than Brian thought he should.

"Brian, I'm sorry."

Brian laughed. "What for?"

"I don't know," Howie admitted.

Brian shook his head. "Don't apologize, man. I should be the one apologizing."

Howie shrugged.

They were quiet for a moment. Brian took a step forward and then seemed to think better of it and stepped back a little. "I'm going to go," Brian said. "I wouldn't - I wouldn't worry about Nick. He's Nick, you know? He'll be okay."

"Yeah," Howie agreed.

"Okay," Brian said. "I'm really going now."

Howie went to step out of the way and Brian moved in the same direction. Howie stepped the other way and Brian bumped into him. And then Brian's hands were on Howie's shoulders again and Brian's mouth was pressed against Howie's again and Howie felt the wall against his back.

"Brian," Howie said, but it was muffled against the press of Brian's lips. Brian sucked Howie's bottom lip into his mouth and pressed his hips into Howie's and Howie was absolutely positive that whatever protest he'd been about to make would now come out as no more than a moan.

This shouldn't be happening. Howie thought that maybe that was part of what made it so good. It wasn't the kiss, it was that it was Brian doing the kissing and kissing Brian, it just shouldn't happen. Brian shouldn't be able to do this to him, shouldn't be able to make Howie want to lick Brian's teeth and taste every inch of Brian's skin and Brian definitely shouldn't be allowed to press Howie against a wall and move like Brian knew exactly how to make Howie feel like he was about to completely fall apart.

And then he felt Brian's hands move down his body. He felt Brian's hands run along the top of his jeans and a warning went off in Howie's head. A warning that Howie really wanted to ignore. He tried. He kissed Brian harder, slid his fingers around Brian's wrist, thinking he'd keep Brian's hands there, keep Brian from pulling away, but it didn't feel right. It wasn't right and Howie tightened his grip on Brian's hands and removed them from his waist.

Brian backed away.

"That was a bad idea," Brian said, and Howie was glad that Brian was breathless too.

"Yeah, probably."

"Sorry," Brian said tugged at his own t-shirt. "Sorry."

"I'm going to go," Howie said, and he practically tripped out of the room, bumping into Brian's bodyguard and then turning and coming face to face with the last person he expected to see right then.

"Leigh," Howie said. His face was burning. He tried to control his breathing. He tried not to choke. "Hi."

Leighanne had Baylee propped on one hip and Baylee clapped his hands to his cheeks and laughed at Howie and Howie had his suspicions that Baylee was laughing because Howie was bright red and flustered and panting just a little. Leighanne set Baylee down and pulled Howie in for a hug.

"Baylee missed y'all," Leighanne said. "We both did. He was asking every day when he'd get to go back on that bus."

"Oh. Well, welcome back," Howie said and when Leighanne kissed his cheek he kissed her back. Baylee's hair was long, a mass of blonde curls and Howie mused it a little.

"Have you seen Brian?" Leigh asked, looking from Howie to Brian's bodyguard and back.

"Yeah," Howie said and pointed toward the dressing room. "He's - I was -"

**

Howie was scum. He'd pointed toward the dressing room, mumbled something about seeing them later and then practically ran down the hall and away from the whole lot of them. He avoided Brian during the show, avoided all three of them after the show, and didn't feel safe until he was safely on Nick and AJ's bus with Nick refusing to look at him on one side and AJ not leaving him alone on the other.

"I feel like scum."

"That can't feel good," AJ noted.

"Why? What happened?" Nick asked. He didn't look up from the magazine he was reading.

"I ran into Leigh backstage. She hugged me and kissed my cheek and I had just made out with her husband."

Nick did look up then and made a face. "You'd call that making out? I mean, it was kind of all an act, wasn't it? Not that I saw it or anything, but like, we were all there."

"You guys did it again," AJ said and then laughed, grabbed Nick's magazine from Nick's hand, rolled it up, and hit Howie's leg. Hard. "That's - Good for you, man."

"Ow."

"You made out with Brian?" Nick asked, not even bothering to try to retrieve the magazine from AJ. "Really?"

"It kind of just happened," Howie said, and it sounded lame even as he was saying it.

"So what now?" Nick asked.

"I don't know," Howie said. "Right now, I think I'm just scum."

**

Brian was letting Baylee play with the microphone. Baylee shrieked into it causing some painful reverberation and Leighanne clapped from the sidelines. Howie frowned and picked at his fingernails from the other side of the stage. He felt someone's foot in the small of his back and looked up to find Nick looking down at him. Nick was frowning too.

"Hey," Howie said and patted the stage next to him. He was kind of surprised though, when Nick took the invitation.

"I never thought," Nick said. "Kevin, he and Kristin have cheated on each other and broken up and gotten back together and seen other people and all of that and you kinda just look at them and know they can survive all that stuff and they almost kind of seem better because it all happened, but Brian. I mean, do you think he'll tell her?"

Howie shrugged. "I don't know."

"I don't think - I think if Leighanne leaves Brian then that's it. She's not like - I don't think we'll ever see her again. I mean, we'll have to because of Baylee, but like, we'll never see them together again, you know?"

Howie nodded.

"I feel like - " Nick stopped and kissed Howie's forehead before continuing. It was weird, but kind of comforting in that it was the sort of Nick weird that happened all the time. Howie pushed Nick away.

"You feel like what?"

"Don't get all offended, I just didn't think Brian was the kind of guy who would ever have this problem, you know?"

"I'm scum," Howie said.

"Whatever," Nick shook his head. "It's not like you jumped him or something, right? It's not your fault. You didn't jump him, right?"

"What?" Howie said and eyed Nick. "No, I didn't jump him."

"So like, when you guys were making out before you ran into Leigh yesterday, that was like - you were alone?"

Howie nodded.

"And Brian just kissed you?"

Howie shrugged. He was glad when Nick came over because he thought it meant that Nick was over whatever it was that Nick was upset about, but now he was starting to wish that Nick would stop.

"Was it better?" Nick asked.

"What?"

"Better than when he kissed you because someone told him to."

Howie shrugged again. He'd always kind of thought that Nick had a thing for Brian, even before Brian was married. He thought that it probably sucked to think that you never had a chance with a person only to find out that they were making out with your bandmate. He thought that probably sucked a lot, but maybe not as much as if you were married to a person only to find out that they were making out with their bandmate. He thought that might suck a lot more.

"Was it?" Nick asked again.

"They're right over there. I don't want to talk about it," Howie said. "Yeah. It was better."

**

When Howie turned a corner at the hotel and saw Brian, Leighanne, Kevin, Baylee, and two bodyguards standing there, his first instinct was to run the other way, back to his room where he could bolt the door and not talk to anyone ever. He was about to do just that when Leighanne saw him. "Howie," she said and waved him over.

Howie shut his eyes, tried to collect himself, and then approached the group.

"We're leaving for dinner in a few minutes," Leighanne said. "You're coming?"

"Um," Howie said. "I - I don't know."

"You're coming," Kevin said.

"Uh, Okay," Howie agreed. Baylee was tugging at his sleeve.

"Howie, can I talk to you for a second before we go?" Brian asked.

Howie shrugged and let Brian pull him into a hotel room, which Howie guessed must be Brian's room. There weren't any toys or anything though, so he couldn't say for sure.

"Are you okay?" Brian asked, and he looked really concerned.

Howie shrugged.

"I'm sorry about what happened yesterday. I knew - I should have told you they were on their way."

"That's okay," Howie said and folded his arms across his chest. He watched Brian fidget and thought about how not perfect Brian really was. He knew his wife would be there any minute and he kissed Howie anyway. Howie didn't know what to think anymore.

"I told her."

Howie blinked. "You did?"

"Yeah," Brian said and then he squinted at Howie. "You didn't think I would?"

"I didn't know what you were going to do," Howie said.

"I always planned to tell her," Brian said.

"What did you - what did she say?"

"She called me an idiot when I told her about the argument with Kevin and my solution for the whole thing, and I really did deserve that, didn't I? Cause as far as solutions to an argument go? This one didn't really work, huh? I think idiot might be a little too nice, really. And I told her about the dressing room, just before she showed up, and well, she was upset a little."

Howie nodded.

"With me, and kind of unfairly with Kev, but not with you. I told her that you never. This was all me this entire time."

Howie made a face. "I could have stopped it."

"You did stop it. But I didn't want you to," Brian pointed out. "So even if you'd stopped it sooner, I'm still guilty."

"I don't know," Howie said.

"Anyway, she was upset. She was upset that I'd never done this in college like a normal person. I didn't even go to college! I was going to go to Bible school. And I really really really don't believe that all normal people have made out with someone of the same sex sometime during their youth and 'gotten it out of their system' or, you know, not, whatever the case. I mean, maybe young people now do, but when we were young? Really?"

Howie shrugged. "I'm gay. And a Backstreet Boy. I don't know what normal people did."

"Yeah," Brian sighed. "I don't know what normal people did either."

"So you guys are, um, you're okay?"

"Yeah," Brian said, and he kind of sounded surprised about the whole thing. "Do you know what she said?"

"Um, okay. What?"

"She said that she's leaving next week to visit these friends of ours in Michigan. She'll be gone a week. When she comes back she wants it out of my system."

"What? What does that mean?"

"I don't know," Brian said and then looked around the room. "You know, I booked two rooms. Just in case she didn't want me staying in the same one."

**

Kevin was still in the hallway.

"I hate you," Howie said, brushing by him and down the hall.

"Why?" Kevin said, and he couldn't just let the statement go. Instead he started following Howie down the hall which was exactly what Howie should have known Kevin would do and exactly why Howie should have kept his mouth shut.

Howie made it back to his room and almost managed to shut the door, but Kevin was too quick and managed to get his foot in just as Howie went to slam it.

"Ow," Kevin said, and pushed the door open. "Shit. What did I do."

"What did you do? You started this whole thing! If it wasn't for you I wouldn't be in this mess. Nick wouldn't be mad at me, Brian wouldn't be - I don't even know what Brian's doing. None of this would be happening."

"This is my fault?"

"Well, kind of, yeah!"

"You know that is such bullshit," Kevin said.

"Oh, so you're saying Brian would have just decided to kiss me all on his own? Really, Kev?"

Kevin threw up his hands. "I don't know. Maybe! He didn't have to kiss you the first time, so yes, maybe there was some part of him that wanted to and he used the situation as an excuse. I don't know, Howie. I can't read Brian's mind."

"Shut up," Howie said. "You're an asshole, you know that?"

Kevin sighed. "Are you coming to dinner or what?"

"No, Kevin, I'm not coming to dinner."

**

"You're kidding," Nick said, the next evening on the bus.

Howie shook his head.

"So like, what does that mean? Brian has free reign to kiss you all he wants now? You guys can make out in front of everyone anytime you feel like it? Congratulations. You must be thrilled."

"I don't think that's what it means, Nicky."

"Come on. Don't call me that. That is what it means. It means that for a week, as soon as Leighanne leaves, Brian has permission to kiss you as much as he wants to."

"Nick," Howie protested. "He doesn't want to kiss me that much."

"Of course he does," Nick said. "He does. Leighanne thinks so. If she didn't think so she wouldn't be 'visiting friends', would she?" Nick made the air quotes just as the bus hit a pothole. He gripped onto the bathroom door to steady himself.

"I think she actually was planning to visit friends," Howie said. He'd been playing cards with AJ, but AJ's phone rang and he'd disappeared into the back of the bus, so now Howie was pretty much just sitting at a table in front of a half played game of Spit.

"Yeah, right," Nick snorted and then laughed a little as though he was mad at himself.

"You know, none of this matters," Howie said and started to clean up the card game. "I'm not doing anything with Brian. I won't do anything with Brian." The bus hit another pothole and Nick gripped the door a little harder. "Will you sit down?"

"Yeah, right," Nick said again only this time he wasn't laughing. "This highway sucks. Where the hell are we anyway?"

**

Leighanne and Baylee left for Michigan.

"Here we go," Nick said when Brian left to go with them to the airport.

"What?" AJ asked.

Howie shook his head. "Nothing. Nick, it's nothing."

And it wasn't anything. Howie spent the day with Nick. They went out to lunch and then went to a movie with Kevin and Kristin, and then at soundcheck he made sure to goof around with Nick, and he dragged Nick up the steps during Quit Playin' Games and afterward they conned AJ into a game of monopoly on the bus and Howie didn't even call Nick out on his cheating. It wasn't until Howie was lying in his bunk that he realized he hadn't spoken to Brian or about Brian all day or that he'd done it on purpose.

**

Brian called Howie from his hotel room the next evening.

"Can you come down here?" Brian asked.

"Why?"

"Howie, because."

"I don't want to be your experiment. I'm sorry."

"I just - let's talk, okay?"

**

"I'm not here to do anything but talk," Howie said before he'd even closed the door completely.

"I know," Brian said. "Okay."

"Nick's really really messed up about this, you know - why couldn't you have - you should have kissed Nick."

Brian sighed. "Nick does not want me to kiss him, Howie. He doesn't"

"Yeah, well, I think you're blind."

Brian smiled. "Okay. You know that I love you, right?"

Howie shrugged. "Sure."

"I didn't want to hurt you," Brian said. "I didn't mean to. I shouldn't have kissed you. Any of the times, really, but especially that last time."

Howie shrugged again. "I'm not hurt."

"I'm not going to kiss you again. I just wanted you to know that. We left it up in the air the other day, and so I just wanted to be clear. You don't need to avoid me or not talk to me or any of the other things that I know you've felt lately that you should do."

"I wasn't avoiding you."

Brian smiled. "Yes, you were."

Howie rolled his eyes. "Okay, maybe a little."

"And if you want, I'll talk to Nick, okay?"

Howie nodded. "Thanks. The bee's knees."

"I'm not the bee's knees."

"I know."

"Come here," Brian said, and grabbed Howie's arm, pulled him into a hug. Howie'd never been a good hugger. It went with the personal space thing. It wasn't that he didn't like people, he just didn't feel that comfortable being so damn close to everyone all the time. It didn't seem to stop people from hugging him though. Howie wasn't a good hugger, he didn't hug that much, really, but somehow, as a Backstreet Boy, he ended up getting hugged a lot, and he knew first hand that the rest of the fellas? All excellent huggers.

"Will you just relax?" Brian said against Howie's neck. "It's a hug."

Howie tried to relax, but Brian smelled good and well, Brian's body was completely pressed against his, and Howie's body remembered the last time a little too vividly, and Brian was a really good kisser. Really good.

"Oh," Brian said, suddenly very aware of Howie's body's vivid memory.

"Sorry," Howie said, and tried to pull out of the hug. Brian didn't let him go.

"It's okay," Brian said. "Howie, I -"

And then Howie kissed him. He didn't mean to do it. He didn't plan to do it. He liked to think he had more self control than that. He didn't.

Brian didn't stop him. Everything that Brian had just said seemed to disappear, to have no meaning anymore because Brian was instantly kissing Howie back, forcefully kissing Howie back and in a matter of moments Brian's knees hit the edge of the bed and his legs buckled and he brought Howie down with him.

"I'm sorry," Howie said and tried to climb off of Brian, off the bed. "Sorry."

"Stop apologizing." Brian grabbed Howie's shoulders, pulled Howie down and then rolled so that Brian was the one on top and Howie had no chance of escape. It was exciting, having Brian take control, and Brian seemed to know it. He teased Howie, pressed his thigh against Howie's groin and then kissed Howie's forehead, his cheekbones, hovered directly over Howie's mouth and then decided to kiss down Howie's neck instead.

"I hate you," Howie said, but it was a lie. It was so completely a lie. It was pretty impossible to hate Brian when Brian was slowly, maddeningly, driving Howie insane without even so much as removing Howie's shirt.

It probably should have been humiliating, losing control like that, but the friction of fabric and Brian's mouth on his neck, Brian's hands holding his hips, it was too much, and Howie couldn't hold on. He cried out once and then Brian's mouth covered his, swallowed Howie's moans, continued to move just slightly, just enough to leave Howie twitching with pleasure.

"Brian," Howie said, between kisses, and he tried to reach down between then, tried to return the favor, but Brian's hand found his, Brian's fingers intertwined with his, and then Brian brought Howie's hand to his mouth. Brian's cheeks were flushed and he kissed the backs of Howie's fingers, bit Howie's knuckle lightly and smiled.

"Brian," Howie said again. He moved a little and then he knew. He wasn't sure why he didn't notice it before. He suddenly felt self-absorbed, neglectful, and embarrassed. Howie was getting off in his pants like he was still in high school and Brian wasn't even hard.

"Kiss me," Brian said. "Please."

**

Howie cleared his throat. He could hear AJ snoring above him.

"Nick," Howie said, quietly. He didn't think that Nick was asleep. He thought about just shutting up, rolling over, closing his eyes, and trying to will himself to sleep. But he was sure Nick was awake. Nick had coughed just moments earlier. He tried again.

"Nick."

AJ snored and then Howie heard rustling and Nick's curtain opened.

"What?" Nick asked.

Now that Nick was staring at him, obviously annoyed, it was pretty clear that Howie was making a mistake bringing up the subject at all. But he had to tell someone, and Nick was right there.

"I - Brian and I - I don't think he - "

Nick squeezed his eyes shut and held up his hands. "Great. You know what, I'm trying to sleep. Don't say anything else, okay? I don't need to picture this. Why do you tell me these things?"

"Nick," Howie said. "Do you want me to stop?"

"I want you to stop explaining every detail of your love life to me, yes." Nick moved to close his curtain back up.

"No, I mean, you want me to stop with Brian? Everything?"

Nick sighed and rolled onto his back. "I don't care what you do with Brian."

"Because, Nicky, it kind of seems like you do." Howie didn't really want to admit that there was a part of him that wanted Nick to care. Howie didn't know what he'd gotten himself into anymore.

"I don't. I just don't want to know about it," Nick said. "Please." Nick turned his back to Howie and took a deep breath. "Good night."

Howie closed his eyes and tried to sleep.

**

Nick didn't want to know about it, which didn't really surprise Howie. He shouldn't have gone to Nick with this in the first place. He wasn't going to talk to AJ about it, and though he knew, really knew that Kevin didn't want to hear it, he really didn't have anywhere else to go.

"Brian's straight," Howie said after cornering Kevin near the lunch table. He handed Kevin a jar of peanut butter.

"I know," Kevin said.

"No, I mean, he's really very straight, Kev."

Kevin grabbed two slices of bread and a jar of jelly. "Okay."

"He's not even - he's not even getting off on this. I'm mean physically. At all."

"I'm trying to make a sandwich here, Howie."

"Do you want to know what I think?"

"Not really, but you're going to tell me, aren't you. Because this is all my fault."

"Brian likes kissing, He likes kissing because he thinks it's romantic and he thinks it's sexy and because it's something that people get off on and a lot of times, they don't get enough of it. He likes foreplay and he's good at it. He likes making everyone around him feel good, and so naturally, he sees that he's making me feel good and he wants to keep doing it. But he's not attracted to me. He's not attracted to men. He's just attracted to, you know, giving and stuff."

"Giving and stuff," Kevin repeated.

"Yes," Howie said. "And here's the thing. It's not me. Brian's not really that interested in me in particular. So here's what I think. Nick. Nick is interested in Brian. And Brian for five days has free reign to make me feel as good as he wants to make me feel. So what's the difference if he spends those five days making Nick feel good instead?"

"This is all really more than I need to hear," Kevin said.

"Okay," Howie nodded. "I guess I just wanted you to know that you were wrong. Brian's not bisexual at all. Maybe half a percent. Maybe."

Kevin bit into his sandwich. "He's Brian. I never really thought that he was. I just like arguing with him."

Howie narrowed his eyes. "I hate you, you know that."

"Whatever, Brian's getting you off. Brian's all about the foreplay. You love me right now. You're just not man enough to admit it."

**

"What is that?" Howie said, when Brian set down the brown paper bag, which hit the table with a thud.

"Tequila," Brian said.

Howie started shaking his head. "No way." The last time Howie'd had tequila, it was not a pretty sight. At all. And Brian should remember this, because if Howie remembered it correctly, and Howie didn't actually remember most of it, but this he was pretty sure he did, Howie ruined a pair of Brian's favorite sneakers that night.

"It's really good tequila," Brian qualified. As if it would make a difference the next morning.

"No," Howie said, but Brian was already pouring two shots and when Brian pulled a salt shaker out of his back pocket Howie sighed and reached for it.

**

"Howie," Brian said, and licked lime from Howie's neck. He traced a line of kisses up to Howie's ear and then bit Howie's earlobe, which was really really something Howie never thought Brian would do. But Howie liked it and Brian could tell, so Brian did it again.

"I hate tequila," Howie said, and pulled Brian over so that Brian's next kiss landed on his lips. "We shouldn't be doing this."

"Why not?" Brian asked.

"I don't know," Howie said. "Nick."

"Nick doesn't want me. I talked to him."

"He won't tell us," Howie said, and kissed Brian's nose. Brian made a face. "We should get someone else. We should have Kevin talk to him. Kevin's good at this. Not as good as you, but you're too, you know, close."

"Close," Brian repeated, and then his tongue was in Howie's mouth and his hand was on Howie's hip and Brian really was too close.

**

"You know," Brian said, and Howie couldn't believe Brian's brain was still working. Howie's brain wasn't working. Howie's brain was thinking about one thing and one thing only. And he knew he couldn't do anything real with Brian, even now he knew it, but the kissing was really fucking good. And if he could think, which he really couldn't, the whole thing would just confirm what he knew to be true and what he'd already told Kevin, but he couldn't think, so the fact that Brian wasn't aroused by this at all seemed pretty impossible.

"What?" Howie asked, once he'd managed to form words.

"Nick's really really gorgeous."

"What?" Howie said and pulled away a little. He hadn't actually started to formulate his plan to get Brian and Nick together, but he'd at least thought it would take some creativity. A little more than a bottle of tequila and a heavy make-out session. It couldn't be this easy.

"I mean, he's big, and blonde and everyone's always saying Nick has a really nice mouth," Brian said.

"He does, I guess. You have a nice mouth."

"He's tall," Brian continued. "His eyes are very blue."

"He's really big," Howie agreed. Howie didn't think about these things, he never thought about these things, but Brian started it, and Howie was drunk, and a drunk Howie could admit that Nick's shear size did turn him on. Just a little. Or kind of a lot, when he didn't actively think about how Nick shouldn't turn him on. He'd gotten pretty good at it though and it had become pretty automatic, not thinking about the fact that Nick really was incredibly gorgeous.

"He's got really long fingers," Brian said.

Kevin was gorgeous too, but Nick was gorgeous in a much more accessible way than Kevin. Howie wasn't sure if that made sense.

"Tall," Howie said. "I have a thing for height."

"Nick's very tall," Brian agreed. "And broad. That's the word, right? Broad. He's got a nice nose."

Howie laughed. "A nice nose?"

"I notice noses, okay? That's what happens when you've got a large one."

"Your nose isn't that large," Howie said.

"You don't have to lie to me. You've already got me in bed. Or on the bed anyway."

The hard part about being a Backstreet Boy was that no one cared about your personal space. Which was sometimes okay. It was sometimes even kind of nice. But it could also be incredibly frustrating, particularly when your bandmate, who you mostly thought of as a little brother and very much wanted to keep it that way, had a way of flirting and a certain art for invading personal space. The thing with Nick was, and Howie hadn't actually really thought about this before, the thing was that Nick was so magnetic that it didn't really matter what your gender or sexual preference was. Howie had a hard time feeling that there was anyone who could resist Nick if Nick really set his mind on them. It scared Howie a little.

Howie sat up and slapped Brian's shoulder. At this point he might as well just go for it. "You should - you've got what? Four days? Before you need to get this out of your system and get back to your real life or whatever it is we're doing, which I still don't really get?"

Brian shrugged. "I guess."

"You should kiss Nick," Howie said.

"Why?"

"He's got a nice nose," Howie started listing. "He's tall. He's got long fingers, and blue eyes, and a really really fantastic ass. I bet Nick is a good kisser. A great kisser."

"A great ass," Brian said. "We forgot that one, didn't we."

"And he wants you, Brian. And he likes - he likes to be kissed. I think."

The thing that Howie didn't get was if Nick could get anyone that he really wanted, and Howie had a hard time believing that Nick didn't realize that he could, why would Nick sit around and watch while Howie fooled around with Brian? Except that Howie was Nick's friend, and Nick usually tried really hard to keep his friends happy. And Brian was married, and nothing that happened now could or should change that. But still, Nick could have a few days. A few days with Brian.

"Let's call him," Howie suggested.

"What? Are you pimping me out now?" Brian asked, but he was laughing and reaching for his phone too.

"I'm not pimping, but Brian, think about it. It's not like you chose me, you know?"

Brian shrugged and stopped dialing Nick's room number. "I kind of did. I didn't have to kiss you. I mean, I don't want you to think that this is all just some kind of - I love you, Howie."

"I know," Howie said. "And you love Nick too."

Brian nodded. "I do."

"Call him," Howie said.

Brian laughed. "I am. I am! Nick? Hey, buddy, you weren't sleeping were you? Good. Listen, can you come down to Howie's room for - what? No. We aren't going to make you - No! Nick, I promise that there will be no making out in front of you. Yes, we are drunk. No. No. I know. I wouldn't - Nick, I know what you said. I do listen to you." Brian put his hand around the receiver and tried to muffle the conversation. "Nick, it's not what you think, okay? Just come down here, please. Okay. Don't lie to me. Okay. Thank you."

"He's coming?"

"Yes," Brian said. "He's coming. And it sounds like he might really really need some tequila, so I'm uh, I'm going to go down to the bar and get some more limes. I'll be right back, okay?"

"Maybe I should go," Howie suggested. "You should be here when - hey, I could just go now, so that you two can be alone and stuff. Just give me your room key. I'll go. You can have my room."

Brian pushed Howie back down on the bed and kissed him once on the mouth. "I'll be back before he even gets here."

**

Brian didn't make it back before Nick got there.

"What?" Nick asked. Nick was wearing his glasses. His hair was pressed flat on his head in the front, but stuck up every which way in the back. It was soft and free of gel. Howie wanted to touch it.

"You wanna come in?" Howie stood aside to let Brian into the room.

"Not really," Nick said. "Where Brian?"

"He went down to the bar, he'll be right back. Come in."

"I don't -" Howie pulled on Nick's arm and Nick stumbled a little and entered the room. "Ow." Nick rubbed his shoulder. "You don't need to dislocate my shoulder."

Howie watched as Nick took in the shot glasses and the rumpled bedspread and then Howie's face. Nick was really tall. Really very tall. And broad.

"You're tall," Howie said. "And you should wear your glasses more often."

Nick gave him a look and then replied, "I don't want to be here."

Howie sighed and sat on the edge of the bed. "You're already here. You might as well stay."

Nick crossed his arms over his chest and leaned stubbornly against the wall.

"Do you want a shot of tequila? There are no limes, but -"

Nick stared at the tequila and the shot glasses and the limes and then said, "You must really hate me."

"What?" Howie stumbled a little, not sure what to say to that. "No, I - Nick, I don't hate you. I'm going to leave as soon as Brian gets back and - I don't hate you."

"I think Brian might," Nick mumbled.

"Brian loves you."

Nick laughed. "Great."

"Nick, that's why he called. You talked, right? You two talked? About stuff?"

Nick narrowed his eyes and pushed himself away from the wall. "He told you? He told you what we talked about? That's what this is about?"

"Well, no, but, I mean, I know what you talked about," Howie said and watched as Nick gripped his hair with both hands and paced toward the door. Nick really did have an incredible ass. "You've got a great ass, you know that, right?"

"What?" Nick said, turning back to face Howie.

"Nicky, come here," Howie said from the bed. He just meant to hug Nick and he was pretty sure he said something to that effect. Nick was good to hug. Nick was a good person to hug if you were not very good when it came to hugging.

"You're plastered," Nick said.

Howie gestured toward the tequila and this time Nick walked toward it, poured himself a shot, downed it and then poured himself another. He cringed and turned back toward Howie.

"The last time you drank tequila you threw up on Brian's shoes," Nick said, staring down into the empty shot glass. Nick sat down on the bed beside Howie. "Where did you say Brian went again?"

"I don't think Brian's coming back," Howie said, and then realized after he said it that it was probably true. "You know," Howie continued, thinking that maybe this was his chance to just tell Nick how he thought the next week should go. "You can have anyone that you want."

Nick blinked at him and rolled the shot glass in the palm of his hand.

"I mean, if you try. You know that you can."

"You're plastered," Nick said again. Nick licked his lips. He was always doing that. He should carry chapstick with him, but he never did. Nick's mouth really was pretty amazing and even sitting down, Nick seemed so tall. It was overwhelming. Almost. Howie put a hand on Nick's chest.

"What are you doing?" Nick asked and then laughed. "You're being so weird right now."

Nick was still laughing when Howie kissed him and it was like Howie had flipped a switch in Nick's brain. The laughter was gone instantly and Nick was gripping Howie's shoulders hard, pulling Howie down onto the bed with him, kissing Howie's mouth, and when Howie's hands grabbed the fabric of Nick's shirt, Nick rushed to pull it over his head, his glasses getting stuck and then coming off too. As soon as Nick was free of his shirt he began pulling Howie's off too.

"You're sure," Nick started to say, but he didn't finish the thought and his hands were working to unbutton the front of Howie's jeans. Howie moved beneath Nick's fingers, helped Nick push down his boxers and when Nick pressed his body to Howie's and Howie felt Nick's arousal against his thigh, it was Howie's turn to laugh, a nervous short burst.

"What?" Nick asked, almost pulled away, but Howie was quick to pull him back down, quick to claim Nick's mouth with his own. Nick didn't need more encouragement than that. His hands felt like they were everywhere at once, and when his hands weren't there, Nick's mouth was. He was trying to memorize every part of Howie's body, taste every inch, and there was no question that this turned Nick on. No question at all that Nick was in this because he wanted to be, because he wanted Howie. Howie was surprised by how much of a relief that was. And there was a part of him, a small part that was aware that it was all a bad idea, much worse than any of the other bad ideas that he'd ignored in the last weeks. But there was a much larger part, the part that wanted Nick too, the part that had tried not to ever ever think about this happening ever, the part that was saturated with tequila and already aroused before Nick even got there. There was know way that that part was giving this up.

**

"Oh God," Howie said. He'd been sitting there for an hour, his hand playing gently with Nick's hair. He'd tried the whole praying it was a hallucination thing. It hadn't worked and he'd given up after fifteen minutes. He tried convincing himself that nothing had actually happened. They'd fallen asleep and it was all completely innocent. That didn't exactly work as well as usual. Howie remembered the entire evening. There was nothing innocent about it.

He stopped trying to figure out an alternative excuse after half an hour and started trying to piece together how exactly they'd ended up where they were. He'd started it. That much he knew. But he kept going back to one thing. Brian. Brian had never returned from the bar.

Howie found his cellphone underneath one of Nick's socks and tried to call Brian, only to discover that Brian had left his cellphone sitting next to a pile of leftover limes. And then he'd gone down to the bar to get more.

"Oh God," Howie said, again. Nick made a noise in his sleep and Howie jumped. The room suddenly felt half the size it had just a moment earlier.

He had to get out. He knew that he should stay, wake Nick up, apologize. He knew that, but there was no way he could stay there. He needed air. He needed to think. He couldn't think in his room. Not with Nick there.

Howie started pulling on his clothes.

**

He went for a run. He fought with his bodyguard. He took a shower in the hotel's spa. And then he went in search of Brian, who he finally found in AJ's bodyguard's hotel room, eating pancakes and talking to AJ about sports. AJ has his headphones on and was nodding every once in a while. AJ knew less about sports than Howie did. AJ's bodyguard wasn't even there.

"You did that on purpose," Howie said, as soon as Brian let him into the hotel room.

"Howie, you're overreacting," Brian said, immediately. And it sounded like Brian had rehearsed it, because Howie was just starting to overreact. He hadn't even started yet.

"Oh, that's nice. You really get off on messing with people, don't you."

"I don't even know what you're talking about!"

"You got me drunk. On purpose."

"Well," Brian seemed to weigh his answer. "Yes."

"You got me aroused. On purpose."

AJ stopped eating his pancakes and raised his eyebrows instead.

"Yes," Brian agreed.

AJ took off his headphones and leaned a little closer. Howie gave him a look and then continued.

"And then you called Nick into the room and left me there with him!"

"So?"

"So, I was drunk! And horny! And you'd just spent half an hour telling me how hot you think Nick is! And you probably delivered a bottle of tequila to Nicky's room too. Am I right? You lie, and you manipulate, Brian. You mess everything up just to see how it'll fall back into place."

"What? No," Brian said. "I didn't mean to - Nick wasn't drunk, at least, I didn't get him drunk."

"This is so fucked up," Howie said.

"This really is fucked up," AJ agreed and then he seemed to think about it for a minute before adding, "You know, with our record, you'd think we would have already covered this sort of drama at some point in the last, what twelve years? Thirteen? I lose track."

"Shut up, AJ."

"I'm just saying."

"AJ," Brian warned.

"Have either of you seen Nick? Was he upset?" Howie asked. He knew it was probably a stupid question.

"Of course he's upset," Brian snapped. "He's in love with you and we've been torturing him for weeks without knowing what we were really doing. What do you expect Nick to be?"

Howie stopped pacing. "Wait, what?"

**

"Nick's not in love with me," Howie said after Brian had finally managed to kick AJ out of the dressing room. "He's not in love with me."

"Howie, I talked to him. He didn't say 'love' exactly, but yes. He's in love with you."

"Nick's not - Nick loves me, but not. Nick's never said -"

"You know, I think if I could, I would probably try to have something with you. I think we could make something work," Brian said, and it sounded sincere. It probably was sincere, despite the fact that Howie wanted to be pissed, because deep down Howie knew that that was the kind of guy that Brian was. Sometimes Howie hated that.

"You could not," Howie snapped. "You're not even - you're straight, Brian. You're not even attracted to me."

Brian shook his head. "I could be," he said. "I think I could be."

"You couldn't. I really don't think you could. You just wish you could be because you like being everything for everybody, but you can't be. No matter how good making me feel good makes you feel."

Brian looked confused, as though he was trying to translate Howie's words. "I'm married. Happily married, and we both know that though there are sparks - and there are definitely sparks, Howie." Howie snapped his mouth shut. "Sorry, you looked like you were going to protest again. Though there are definitely sparks, we can't really - nothing can come of it."

"Brian, you don't have to - you're straight. I knew that when this started. We both did. You don't have to lie to spare my feelings. I knew what I was getting into. I didn't expect, you know, anything really. I didn't even expect what I got."

Brian shrugged. "I guess it doesn't matter now, does it?"

Howie shook his head. "I guess not."

"But that's not my point anyway. My point is that Nick can have something with you. You can have something with Nick. And really, when you think about it, it makes perfect sense in a way."

"What?" Howie said. "No, it doesn't. It makes no sense. And I don't - I didn't expect for this whole thing to end up with me with one of you. It's not even - It's a horrible idea! You know it is. Nick knows it is."

Brian sat down and put his head in his hands. "How did this become the most fucked up game of matchmaker ever?"

Howie stared at Brian for a moment and neither of them said anything. Brian stared at the floor and Howie stared at the thinning hair at the top of Brian's head. And then Howie laughed.

"What?" Brian asked. He looked concerned.

"I slept with Nicky."

"Yeah?"

"I mean, we were naked. I slept with him, Brian. That's not the same thing as making out with you. It's going to fuck things up. It already is fucking things up."

"Nick should be naked all the time," Brian said quietly.

Howie shook his head. "Don't do that. I know what you're trying to do. It won't work."

"I'm just saying that sometimes it's hard to get Nick to keep his clothes on."

"Brian, stop. It was good, okay? Is that what you want? You want me to admit that it was pretty amazing and that I haven't stopped thinking about it since I ran out of my own hotel room? Because I haven't. I don't need you to make your little comments just to make sure I'm thinking about what you want me to think about. I'm thinking about it, okay?"

"You think I'm manipulative," Brian stated.

"Yes."

Brian nodded. "I'm trying to help."

"Oh, you're always trying to help. It's what you do. It's annoying and sometimes it gets a little slimey and no one wants to tell you because your intentions are always good."

"I'm slimey?" Brian repeated as though he was hearing the word for the first time. Howie sort of wished he could take it back. He didn't really think that slimey was what he meant.

"I can't deal with this," Howie said. He couldn't.

"Howie," Brian said. "Yes, you can."

"No, this is too much. This is why you should never sleep with your co-workers. I need - I need a vacation, I need a drink. I just need some fucking space."

"Howie," Brian said again, not willing to give up, which Howie really should have expected because it was just another one of those obnoxious Brian traits that got them into this mess in the first place. "Nick's gorgeous. He's got a great nose, a fantastic ass, you've seen his mouth. And he's like a freakin' giant. And he's in love with you. You don't need a vacation. And you don't need your space, but if you really want it, we could always get you your own bus. You know we'd do it. You do need to sit down and think rationally about this, because you've done nothing but worry about what Nick's going through for weeks now. I'm telling you what Nick's been going through, and I think if you breathe and push aside the fact that you're angry at me, you'll realize that -"

"What?" Howie interrupted. "That I love Nick too?"

Brian sighed. "Maybe. I don't know." And then he left Howie alone in the dressing room.

**

Nick was sitting on the edge of the stage with Kevin and Kristin. Kristin was rubbing her hand in small circles on Nick's back.

Kevin heard Howie coming first and nudged Kristin. They stood up in unison and Kevin gave Howie a look that would have caused another argument if Howie didn't have more important things to work out.

"Hey," Howie said, coming up to stand behind Nick.

"Kevin told me that you thought I had a thing for Brian," Nick said, though he refused to look at Howie. "I don't."

Howie nodded. "I know." He sat down on the edge of the stage, a safe distance from where Nick was sitting.

"I really don't."

Howie thought about moving closer to Nick and then changed his mind. He kicked his foot against the side of the stage. "That's a good thing, really," Howie said. "Brian's really very straight. And married."

"I know," Nick said.

"So, um," Howie didn't really want to just come right out and say it. "You've, um, never - you've never really seemed interested before."

Nick shrugged. "I don't think I ever thought it was an option before."

"But I've, I mean, you knew I was gay, obviously. I've dated people. I've been in serious relationships. Real relationships, not like this mess with Brian. Whatever it was."

Nick made a face and finally looked at Howie.

"Well, I've been in one real relationship. And you were okay with that."

"I know," Nick said. "I liked Gary. But that's different. Gary wasn't, you know, a Backstreet Boy. I mean, you shouldn't lust after your bandmates, you know? You don't sleep with your bandmates. So I didn't."

"Brian thinks you're in love with me."

"Brian sucks," Nick said, and then thought about it a little and added, "I don't know. I mean, it's kind of new, isn't it? I love you, of course, and apparently I get really jealous when you make out with, you know, and you're like really really good at the whole drunken sex thing."

Howie laughed.

"You're not really very good at the morning after stuff though, are you?"

"I think I can learn to be better at it."

"I don't want you to just, you know. You shouldn't do anything just because you feel like I want you to. Or because Brian wants you to. I don't want that."

Howie nodded and this time he did move closer to Nick. "I don't want that either."

Nick nodded. "Good."

"I don't think I'm ready to jump into a relationship. Not with you."

Nick looked down and then nodded again. Howie reached out to touch Nick and then settled for resting a hand on the stage instead.

"Not because I don't want to be with you ever, Nick. I just think - you're right. You don't sleep with your co-workers. You don't rush into this kind of thing. We've known each other forever. I don't want to rush into this. We need to know what we're getting into first."

Nick looked up at Howie. "I kind of think we've been not rushing into this for a long time."

Howie shrugged. "It won't hurt us to not rush just a little longer."

Nick was quiet and Howie was tempted to keep talking, try to fill the silence, but he didn't really have anything else to add. He knew what would happen. It would happen the same way things had happened with Howie and Brian. It would start with one kiss. The first kiss would turn into a second. And then a third. Maybe. If they made it that far. Howie thought they might end up right back where they'd ended up last night before they even reached a third kiss. And then there would be no fighting it. Because Howie was okay with casual, but Nick fell fast. And hard. And Howie loved that about him.

"Nicky," Howie said, and he took Nick's hand, pressed his thumb to Nick's wrist and then pulled. Nick laughed a little, surprised, but slid toward Howie easily, moving closer until their thighs touched. Howie didn't let go of Nick's wrist.

"This isn't a smart place to do this," Nick pointed out.

Howie was about to blow caution to the wind, close the distance between them and let whoever might be watching, watch. He was about to, but Nick was quick and strong and pulling Howie to his feet before Howie could protest. He pushed Howie toward the wings, laughing when Howie almost tripped, catching him and continuing to move. It wasn't long until Nick had guided them into a secluded corner and lifted Howie onto a dusty table, pushing aside some wires and a piece of a broken microphone. When Nick finally moved in to kiss Howie, he was a little two eager, and Howie was a little to turned on by being manhandled. He moved forward just as Nick was moving in, the angle was all wrong, their noses hit and Nick jumped back, rubbed his, and laughed.

"Ow," Nick said, and grinned. It probably should have ruined the moment. It didn't.