Nick can't remember if he told Howie that he was planning on dropping by, but he just walks in the front door anyway. It's almost eleven. Howie's probably been up for hours. And if Howie doesn't want people barging into his house he should never have let Kevin steal his keys and make copies right after he moved in. Kevin's been weird about having keys ever since the AJ thing.

"Hey!" Nick calls out, poking his head into the empty living room. No one answers and maybe Howie had more to drink at the club the night before than Nick remembers. Howie seemed fine when Nick left with Shelby, a hot brunette with a tattoo of a violin that covers most of her back.

Nick's in the kitchen now and there's still no sign of Howie. He slaps his hands on the counter and heads to the bottom of the stairs, stopping at the first step to call out again.

"You here?" Nick asks and it's the first time that he actually stops to think that maybe Howie isn't there. But then Nick can't think of a reason why Howie would go home with someone instead of making them come home with him. It's a lot easier to lay around while someone else sneaks out at 4 am than it is to do the sneaking out yourself, and anyway, Howie is never bringing anyone home or going home with anyone and just as Nick starts thinking maybe Howie really isn't home and reaches to pull his cellphone out of his pocket he hears a thump from upstairs as though Howie's just fallen out of bed. Nick stops thinking all together and starts walking up the stairs.

"I'm coming up," he says, by way of a warning. He's learned that one the hard way. You can only walk in on AJ naked so many times before you're left a little scarred. And there was that one time in Europe that he walked in on Brian jacking off to Baywatch in German. So yes. Better safe than sorry.

"Nick?" Howie squeaks and his voice sounds far away. "Just a minute!"

Someone swears and it's not Howie.

Nick frowns. Howie is always alone. It's a fact of life. Every few years there's someone, for a while there was Nick before Nick fucked it up, but other than that Howie is pretty reliable.

Howie and whoever are still scrambling around in the other room and Nick chews on his lip and decides that obnoxious is the route to go with this. Howie knocks something over in his room and the other someone swears again and Nick grins because Howie so clearly got laid last night and it must have been good because it's eleven in the morning and they're still in there and they were probably in the middle of a fuck when they heard Nick and that makes Nick grin even more because Howie is hilarious when he's caught off his guard and flustered. Obnoxious is definitely the route to go.

Finally, after an eternity plus an hour or so, the door to Howie's room swings open.

"Morning Howard," Nick says, still smiling, but the grin slides right off his face as soon as he realizes that it's not Howie that strolls into the hallway.

"Hey, Nick," Justin Timberlake nods, coming down the hall toward Nick. He's definitely not Howie and he's also not looking all cute and flustered like Nick had planned Howie and whoever to be. Justin looks right at home.

"Um, hi" Nick says, recovering. He tries out a smile, and it manages to stick for a few seconds. "Hey."

Justin smiles back, but Nick thinks he kind of looks like he's been crying. Nick doubts he's been crying. Justin's probably just allergic to that weird furry rug Howie's got at the foot of his bed.

"I'm starving," Justin says and mock punches Nick's shoulder before heading downstairs to the kitchen.

Nick stares after him.

**

Howie sets a bowl of cereal in front of Nick, but doesn't quite look him in the eye. Nick stares at Howie and doesn't look at Justin at all. He can still see him though and Justin is eating his cereal and looking at Howie's counter.

"So," Howie says, but doesn't continue. Nick raises his eyebrows (not that it matters since Howie won't look at him) and Justin continues to eat his cereal and grunts a little and when Howie leaves the room saying something about getting the mail, Nick follows him.

**

Nick holds his breath as he climbs into his car, turns it on, pulls out his cellphone and dials AJ.

"Holy crap," Nick breathes, propping the phone under his chin and pulling out of Howie's driveway. He has one of those headset thingys and Kevin's always bugging him to use it, but it's such a hassle that Nick pretends to forget it's there. "Holy crap."

"What the hell happened to you?" AJ asks. Nick can't tell if AJ sounds irritated or amused.

"I'm on my way over," Nick says and hangs up on AJ.

**

Brian and AJ are on the front porch when Nick pulls into AJ's driveway.

"Hey," Nick says, getting heading up the driveway. He looks at Brian. "I didn't know you were here too." Nick hasn't actually seen AJ or Brian (or Howie before they decided to go to the club the night before) in weeks, so seeing all three of them in one day - well, it's a day full of surprises, apparently.

Brian's frowning at him. "What's wrong? Your face is all red."

Nick didn't even notice that he's been holding his breath again.

"What happened to you, dude," AJ asks. "You sounded freaked on the phone.

Howie made him promise not to say anything. Howie had to be delusional to think Nick was going to keep his mouth shut about this.

"Hey," AJ says, shaking Nick's arm. "Dork."

"Howiesleepingwithjustinimberlake," Nick spits quickly and then sighs and he can almost feel his face returning to its normal shade. He lasted almost an hour. He thought about calling and telling AJ over the phone at least five times on his drive. That had to count as some kind of self control.

"Was that English?" AJ asks and looks to Brian. Nick rolls his eyes.

Brian's had a lot of practice in translating Nick and after dragging both AJ and Nick into AJ's living room, fetching Nick a soda and getting him settled on AJ's couch, Brian just says "Justin? Really?'

"Who?" AJ asks. He flops down onto the couch next to Nick.

"Justin," Nick repeats.

"I heard you. Justin who."

"Timberlake," Brian says patiently.

"Timberlake? Nice."

"Really?" Nick asks, frowning. Not that he expected AJ to be upset. There's no reason to be upset. It's just weird. Really weird.

"It's about time," AJ nods.

"Howie and Justin?" Nick didn't even know they spoke. Once in a while, but they aren't really friends or anything.

AJ slaps Nick's knee and says "Howie and anyone."

"Oh."

Brian says "I thought he was engaged."

Nick shrugs. "Not anymore, I guess."

"They broke up?"

"Apparently Cameron cheated on him and it's been over for two weeks." Nick shrugs. "He cried about it on Howie's shoulder."

"He cried?" Brian repeats.

"Nice," AJ says again. He's grinning and it doesn't look anything like the fake grin that Nick had been wearing the whole time Howie told him about Justin. Nick squints at AJ.

"Justin's a good guy," Brian says.

"Howie's not even sexy," Nick protests, slouching a little more on the couch.

"That's a pretty shitty argument considering you were sleeping with him for like a year, dude," AJ points out.

"I guess," Nick says, begrudgingly. "But Howie's like normal people sexy. Not Justin sexy. I mean, obviously I'm not saying he's unsexy."

Brian looks up, surprised. "You're normal people now?"

"Howie's Justin sexy," AJ disagrees. "I find Howie sexy."

"AJ's normal people now?" Brian asks again.

Nick dismisses Brian with a shrug. "AJ's just saying that. Anyway, Howie seemed all surprised." He gets up from the couch and disappears into the kitchen.

"Beer goggles," AJ suggests, raising his voice so that Nick can still hear him from the kitchen. "He probably thought he was going home with Ricky Martin or you know, you, or something."

Nick can hear Brian laughing.

"Not me," Nick calls back. He drops his empty soda can in the sink and opens the fridge to grab another. Howie didn't think he was going home with Nick. Howie doesn't really want anything to do with Nick and sex. Not anymore. Brian's still giggling a little when Nick returns to the living room.

"So can we make fun of him?" Brian asks, finally cutting to the chase and asking the really important questions.

"He told me not to tell you guys," Nick says. He shakes his head apologetically. "He made me promise."

"Crap," Brian says, and now AJ's laughing a little too.

"What are you doing here anyway? Do you guys have plans? Golf?" Nick asks. "I'm bored."

**

Howie calls Nick to tell him it's not anything serious, and Nick acts like it's weird that Howie has to call him at all. He tells Howie that he hopes it works out and that he's happy for him and that Justin is a nice guy. He tells Howie that it's not weird at all.

Howie sounds confused and says "I just wanted to make sure you were okay with things."

"Of course I am," Nick insists. "It's about time, you know?"

"Me and Justin?"

"You and anyone," Nick clarifies.

"Oh," Howie says and it's followed by an awkward pause. Nick chews on his lip and wonders what he said to piss Howie off, wonders if Howie is even pissed off at all. Then he wonders if Howie hung up on him, but he can still hear Howie breathing and the radio in the background, so he must still be there.

"Howie?"

"Thanks," Howie says, finally. "I'm happy, so you know, that means a lot."

"Anytime," Nick says with a nod. "I'm happy that you're happy."

**

Nick invites Kevin over for pizza. Kevin seems surprised by the phone call, but comes over anyway and Nick tells him all about Howie and Justin.

Kevin listens and then says, "Huh. Pretty weird" in that Kevin way that makes Nick think Kevin's probably just humoring him.

"I know, right?" Nick says in an attempt to get Kevin to say more.

"You're okay with this?" Okay, that was more. Not the more Nick was looking for, but definitely a little more.

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"Well, you know. I know you two have been over forever and you've been seeing other people and you both seem fine."

"I am fine," Nick agrees.

"Right. But you haven't had to, you know, deal with Howie being in a relationship with -"

"I don't think they're serious or anything," Nick says, frowning. "I wouldn't really call it that yet. Howie seemed really surprised."

"Well, right now. But if they become serious -"

"I think it's about time," Nick concludes, cutting Kevin off. He should have just let Kevin stop with "pretty weird". Nick never learns.

"About time?" Kevin asks.

"Yeah. Howie and anyone," Nick adds.

Kevin looks at Nick like he's insane and Nick just shrugs. Kevin often looks at him like he's insane and Nick's pretty much stopped asking why.

Kevin brought over some DVDs that he picked up on the way and before he even looks at them Nick knows they're going to be weird movies that no one but Kevin and Howie have ever heard of. They are and Nick spends two hours half-watching Toni Collette get together with some jerky Japanese guy and then the guy dies and Nick snorts and picks at the hole in the sleeve of his sweatshirt and thinks it might be the worst movie he's ever seen.

When he looks over at Kevin, Kevin wipes his cheek and tries to look like he hasn't been crying. Nick smiles. The movie still sucks, but at least now he'll have something to talk about the next time he sees AJ.

**

AJ throws a surprise birthday party for Kevin. Kevin's known about it for weeks and even went with Nick when AJ sent him out to buy more balloons a few days earlier.

Howie brings Justin and the fellas act surprised to find out that they're together. They're awful actors and Howie gives Nick a look. Nick shrugs and thinks that if it's all as non-serious as Howie claims then it's pretty weird to bring Justin to a birthday party for Kevin of all people. It's not like it's a party for Howie or a party for AJ or even a party for Nick where they just invite anyone they meet on the street (well, not literally. That could get scary). .

The party is bring (and take home) your own liquor and they manage to get Kevin drunk in a little over an hour. Nick loves Drunk Kevin. Drunk Kevin likes to hug more than anyone Nick has ever met. Drunk Kevin cries when AJ says a few nice things about him and Brian carries in a cake from the kitchen. Actually, Sober Kevin would have done the exact same thing with the crying and the cake, and really it's just the increase in hugs that rank Drunk Kevin so high on Nick's list.

They all (even Baylee, though Leighanne protests about teaching him manners) stick their fingers in the cake as soon as Kevin blows out the candles.

"Ew," Justin says, his face all contorted. Nick has no idea what Howie sees in him. They must slap a lot of make-up on his face in all those videos.

Brian laughs at Justin and Nick rolls his eyes and Howie explains the tradition. AJ cuts the cake and Kevin blows his nose while Kristin rubs her hand in circles on his back and smiles indulgently.

Kevin keeps refilling Nick's glass and Nick's not as drunk as Kevin but drunk enough that when he finds Howie and Justin making out in AJ's meditation room, he just sits down and announces that now that Baylee's in bed, Brian is trying to get everyone involved in a game of lewd charades.

"You're kidding," Howie says.

"That's what he's saying," Nick shrugs. It wouldn't be the first time that Brian's started the game. The last time they played AJ and Leighanne got into a fight about whether Leigh was miming cunnilingus or rimming. Nick has a feeling Leighanne will not be going in for another round of the game ever again.

They hear Leighanne shout something in the other room and Howie sighs and goes to make sure everything is okay. Justin shifts uncomfortably and looks at Nick.

"It's good," Nick says, nodding at Justin and taking another sip of his drink. "It's about time."

"What?" Justin asks. He pokes at his sneakers. There aren't supposed to be shoes in the mediation room.

"Howie and anyone," Nick says seriously. Nick has no idea how much Howie's said about his dating history. Probably not much. Howie doesn't have much of a dating history.

Justin just nods and says "Thanks, I guess. Listen, do you need another drink?"

Nick shakes his head and watches as Justin stands up to leave. He pauses to say something to Howie on his way out and then Howie and Nick are alone.

"They're not playing," Howie says. He isn't really looking at Nick. "Leigh put her foot down and AJ agreed and Brian's pouting."

Nick can hear the piano and he can't tell what Kevin is playing, but he can tell it's bad. Drunk Kevin can't play the piano for shit. It sounds like Brian's singing along anyway. It sounds like a mixture of Little Drummer Boy and the 12 Days of Christmas, but he's pretty sure Kevin's not playing either of those. Kevin hates Christmas carols.

"How are you?" Howie asks, sitting down, far out of Nick's reach. Nick wouldn't have tried to touch him anyway. Not now. He's probably all turned on from all the making out. Gross.

"Good," Nick says, all noncommittal. "Justin went to get a drink."

"Yeah."

Nick says, "He's a good guy."

"I think so."

"Me too."

Howie nods and pokes at the ashes of what used to be a stick of incense. "He wants to get calf implants."

"Baby cows?" Nick asks, squinting at Howie.

"Implants. Like breast implants. But in his calves." Howie points at his leg.

Nick stares at Howie for a moment and then says "I don't get it."

"There's nothing to get."

"It's not a joke?"

Howie shakes his head. "I don't think so. The appointment is on the 16th."

"But why?"

"She used to make fun of his calves, I guess," Howie explains and grabs Nick's drink, draining it.



Tiny Dancer

Howie has rows of white sneakers lined up in his front hallway. None of them look like they've ever been worn. None of them look like they fit Howie, either. Nick kicks off his own shoes, listens to see if anyone's coming, and tries on a few pairs of Justin's. They're a little too small, but doable. Justin probably wouldn't even notice if they were missing. Nick snorts. Justin would notice. Justin would hunt him down and kill him. Justin is weird.

Nick kicks off the shoes and leaves them that way, messed up and out of their neat line. Nick thinks he's kind of an ass, but Justin is ridiculous so he doesn't feel too bad about it.

"So," Nick says. He finds Howie leaning on his kitchen counter reading a newspaper. "Justin moved in?" It's only been a few weeks, seems a little like rushing things to Nick, but hey, it's Howie's life and if Howie's happy then Nick's happy. And anyway, Nick is the king of rushing things, so maybe he shouldn't talk. Compared to Nick, Howie's taking his sweet time.

Howie frowns. "Moved in? No. Well, sort of."

"Where is he?" Justin's there all the time. Nick can't remember the last time he came to visit Howie and found Howie alone. It's like Justin doesn't have a job. Or a life. Nick told him as much, but then Justin rightly pointed out that Nick's there just about every day and what does that really say about Nick's life? Nick shut up about it after that.

"He's at his, you know. It's calf implant day."

Nick shakes his head and repeats what AJ said when Nick told him about the implants. "The sex better be fantastic."

Howie doesn't say anything. Just blushes and goes back to his newspaper.

Wow. That's disturbing.

**

"Don't you have friends?" Nick asks when he walks into Howie's living room and finds Justin lounging on Howie's couch and watching Howie's television and drinking Howie's soda. "I know you have other friends. I've met them."

"I'm recovering," Justin says. He plays with the straw sticking out of his soda can.

"Recover at one of their houses," Nick suggests.

"No."

"What? They don't like you anymore? You've been disowned? I'm not surprised." If Nick was recovering he would choose to stay with Brian so that Leighanne could cook for him and he and Brian could play video games and he could watch cartoons with Baylee. Or Kevin's, so that Kristin could rub his shoulders and Kevin would let him go through his entire home video collection. He definitely wouldn't stay with Howie. Howie won't wait on him or baby him and is annoyed with him most of the time and would probably kick him out after three days. And it's not like they're having sex anymore, so there wouldn't even be that. Nick definitely wouldn't choose to recover at Howie's.

"Howie wants me here."

"Why?"

"Cause we're together," Justin says, as though it's the most obvious thing ever. Nick supposes that it is, what with Justin's sneakers and all the making out and stuff. Nick still doesn't get it.

"Do you want him here?" Nick asks when Howie strolls into the living room a few seconds later. Howie gives Nick a look and kisses Justin's forehead.

Justin grins at Nick and then looks up at Howie and says "Hey, tiny dancer."

Nick smirks and waits for Howie to smack Justin, but Howie just rubs a hand over Justin's stubbly head and asks if he needs anything from the kitchen.

"I'll have a soda," Nick says.

"Ginger Ale," Justin nods and slaps Howie's ass as Howie turns to head for the kitchen. Howie breaks into his little sway cha cha thing and then looks back to smile and wink at Justin.

Nick's not sure if he wants to laugh or vomit.

**

"Wait, what?"

"Tiny Dancer," Nick says again. He always has to repeat everything twice around these people. No one is ever actually listening to him.

"Like the Elton John song?" Brian asks. Baylee starts waving his arms around and singing at the word 'song.' Brian laughs and pulls gently on one of Baylee's curls. The kid is way overdue for a haircut.

They're at the zoo. Nick wanted to talk and not over the phone and Brian insisted that if Nick wanted to talk it meant he was coming to the zoo. Nick had planned to go to Howie's, interrogate Justin a little more. It is his job as Howie's friend and bandmate to fully check out Howie's chosen significant others. They have to be worthy and with the weird calf implants and sneaker obsessions, Nick really isn't sure that Justin makes the cut.

"Nick?" They're standing in front of a bunch of monkeys. Baylee has stopped singing and is instead jumping around with his hands curled up to his armpits and making what Nick guesses are supposed to be monkey sounds. Nick squints at the monkeys and refrains from commenting on the Littrell family resemblance.

Nick shrugs. What are they talking about again? Elton John. "I guess so."

"And Howie didn't mind?"

Nick shakes his head. "He winked. And danced a little. I thought I was going to barf."

Brian shrugs and smiles and then says, "It's kind of cute."

"Tiny Dancer is not cute."

"I'm tiny dancer," Baylee says and points to himself. He twirls around and then starts dragging Brian out of the monkey house. Nick follows.

"Isn't it time for ice cream or something?" Nick asks.

"Yes," Baylee agrees and then looks up at Brian expectantly.

"I can't wait to call Howie Tiny Dancer the next time I see him," Brian says. Nick has a feeling that if Baylee wasn't gripping the fingers of one of Brian's hands, Brian would be wringing them together in some patented evil mastermind gesture.

"You're scary," Nick says.

Baylee looks up at Nick and says, "I'm tiny dancer."

"That you are," Nick agrees. "I'm getting ice cream."

**

Nick watches Justin carefully peel all of the little pieces of white skin off an orange. Howie's in the kitchen talking on the phone. He's been talking forever.

"What?" Justin asks, eventually.

"At the rate you're going that thing will be ready to eat around midnight."

"Shut up," Justin says, and goes back to his orange.

"How are your legs?"

Justin shrugs. "Sore. Fran - she's the surgeon - says it's normal. I should be able to walk and stuff just fine in another day or two. Fit for dancing and running in a few weeks."

"You can't walk?"

Justin shakes his head and pulls another piece of skin off his orange. "Why do you think I'm always on this couch?"

Nick shifts in his chair. The chair isn't nearly as comfortable as the couch. "I thought you were lazy."

"You're an idiot."

Nick rolls his eyes and says, "You're the one with fake breasts in his legs."

Justin fakes a laugh and throws some orange peel at Nick. "You're a funny guy, you know?"

"Yeah, hilarious," Nick agrees. Howie's still on the phone. It's either business or AJ. Nick stopped trying to listen several minutes ago so it's hard to say. It might not even be the same phone call. "What are you doing with him?"

"What do you mean?"

"He's Howie. And you're, you know, you."

"So?"

"You could have anyone."

Justin puts down his orange and turns his full attention to Nick. "And Howie couldn't?"

Okay, that does sound shitty. Nick should clarify. "Howie doesn't want anyone."

"He wants me."

Nick is developing a theory about that involving the delusions associated with too much great sex, but he doesn't bother to try to correct Justin.

"He wanted Kevin," Justin continues.

"Not Kevin," Nick disagrees. Kevin? Come on. Where does Justin get these things?

"I must be thinking of you then."

"yeah, and look how that turned out," Nick says.

Justin narrows his eyes and leans forward on the couch a little. "What? You're an asshole so it means I am too? I'm not a fucking cheater."

"You don't know what you're talking about," Nick says, even though Justin kind of does seem to know exactly what he's talking about.

"Oh, you're not a fucking cheating lying asshole?" Justin is really pissed now and Nick kind of wishes he'd never started this conversation at all.

"No," Nick says and then stops and squints his eyes shut, his hands flying up in an attempt to pause and collect his thoughts. It doesn't work. "I mean, yes. I don't know."

"I would never hurt Howie like that," Justin says. He looks over to the kitchen where Howie's still on the phone. Nick looks too. Howie's frowning at them, but he has his finger in his ear and he's still talking to the person on the other end of the line. Nick isn't sure if Howie is listening to them or not.

"I didn't - you don't know," Nick says, his eyes still on Howie. Howie turns his back to them and goes back to his conversation.

"Yeah," Justin says. He rubs his left leg through his sweatpants. "I guess I have no idea what that's like."

Shit. Nick's a fucking asshole.

**

Nick walks into AJ's house and right into the living room where he finds AJ, Kevin and Marcus lounging on couches and watching Days of our Lives. It's nice that AJ gets along so well with Marcus and all, but it's kind of sad that AJ pays his friends to hang out with him. Marcus growled at Nick the time Nick said as much, so Nick has stop bothering to point out that AJ and Marcus are kind of losers. He doesn't need to point out that Kevin's a loser. It's that obvious on its own. Kevin doesn't even like soaps that much and he's the first to look up when Nick walks into the room.

"Hey," Kevin says.

Nick raises his arms above his head and clears his throat to make the announcement.

"I'm the biggest asshole in a whole city full of assholes." Nick nods for emphasis and collapses into the largest of the large empty chairs, sprawling out and sighing pitifully.

"What did you do?" Kevin asks.

"What didn't I do?" Nick asks, pointing to Kevin. "I'm a cheating lying bastard asshole, remember?"

"You're fighting with Howie?" AJ asks.

Nick shakes his head. "Howie and I are okay. I think."

"Justin?"

Nick nods. "Boob Legs."

Marcus laughs then, his big low contagious rumbly laugh and Nick can't help but crack a smile too.

"What did you do?" Kevin asks again.

"Besides break Howie's heart? I asked Justin why he was with Howie. I don't get it."

AJ shakes his head. "Okay, Nick? You know I love you, bro, but Justin's right. You're an ass."

Marcus is still laughing but it's a lot less contagious now. That's another problem with having a bodyguard as your friend. Bodyguards are supposed to be big and silent and act like they're not even there, but in doing so they seem to get really good really quickly at telling you exactly what they think without saying a word to you. Nick has no idea if Marcus is really talkative when he's alone with AJ or what, but the mostly silent judgments are fucking obnoxious.

"You were with Howie for a year," Kevin says reasonably. "You don't know what Justin might see in him?"

"No. I've forgotten. He's just Howie now. Humor me," Nick insists. "Come on, guys."

Kevin sighs and AJ makes faces like he's thinking really hard.

"Howie has those freckles on the bridge of his nose," Kevin says, pointing to his own nose. Nick doesn't remember any freckles on Howie's nose.

"I don't remember freckles."

"You should. You used to talk about them all the time."

"Was I drunk?" Nick asks. He meant it as a joke, but then he probably really was.

Kevin dismisses the question by waving a hand at Nick.

"And his bottom teeth are crooked. It's cute," AJ adds.

"Lou wanted him to get braces," Nick says. "Remember?"

"Yeah," AJ says. "I'm glad he didn't."

"He listens," Marcus says, and Nick and Kevin look up surprised. "Actually listens. Not like AJ here who just nods and pretends he's listening to shit when he's really thinking about his next cigarette break."

"Shut up and fuck you," AJ says, but he's smiling and Marcus just shrugs.

"Howie never listens to me," Nick says.

"No one listens to you," Marcus points out and then "Howie's got soft hands. Nice fingernails."

"Wow, big guy," AJ says. "Something you want to tell us?"

"He asked," Marcus says, gesturing to Nick.

"I wish I hadn't," Nick says.

"He usually smells pretty good," Marcus continues, apparently on a roll. He nods to Nick. "Unlike you."

AJ laughs.

"Hey," Nick protests. "You don't exactly smell like daisy's either, but you don't see me saying anything about it."

Kevin closes his eyes and presses his fingers to his forehead. "Okay, we can stop talking about Howie anytime now."

"Please," Nick agrees. He folds his arms across his chest and sniffs a little. He doesn't smell that bad.

**

Nick stops by Howie's a few days later. No one is home and Nick decides to wait. They're probably trying out Justin's new legs. Taking them for a stroll around the block or some stupid shit like that.

Nick lounges on the newly abandoned couch for a while, flipping channels, but eventually he comes to the conclusion that the couch smells funny. He's not sure if it's in his head because of fucking Marcus or if it's him or Justin or what, but it's freaking him out and he decides to abandon the couch in favor of the pool.

"Hey, Tiny Dancer," Nick says when Howie finally arrives home and strolls out to the pool and sees Nick.

"Don't call me that," Howie says. "And tell Brian to stop too, will you?"

"Brian doesn't listen to me," Nick says. "Selective hearing. Where's Justin?"

"Who?"

"Tall guy. Boobs in his legs."

"Oh, that Justin," Howie says, playing along. He's smiling now. "He had an appointment. Some routine thing. Did you eat lunch?"

"I'm good," Nick says. Nick can tell that Howie's wondering why he's here all the time all of a sudden. It's not that they never see each other. It's just that they don't see each that often, considering how close they live. It's a break. He's supposed to be giving Howie a break. Actually, Nick's been seeing all the fellas way more than he should be. He feels like they're on tour, only it's all voluntary and not chit chat backstage or on a bus or in a van. Instead it's Nick invading privacy and walking into their houses uninvited. Which okay, is also kind of the same as the tour. No one has yelled at him yet about it though. Yet.

Howie's standing on the edge of the pool and squinting down at Nick, his hand up in an attempt to shield his eyes from the sun.

The freckles on Howie's nose are still there. Nick pretends he doesn't remember them but he does. He remembers telling Kevin that they were his favorite part of Howie, which was a lie, but they were definitely in the top ten. He remembers kissing them and the way that Howie laughed at him when he did. He wonders if Justin appreciates the freckles on the bridge of Howie's nose.

He's staring and Howie looks away, rubs his arms. "It's kind of cool out here. Why are you swimming?"

Nick shrugs. Howie never swims. He insisted on buying a house with a pool and Nick's pretty sure Howie's never used it.

Nick pulls himself out of the pool and grabs the towel he threw on the patio before diving in.

"Don't get me wet," Howie warns, when Nick starts walking toward him.

Nick tries to look evil and Howie looks ready to bolt, but Nick backs off and sits in the chair next to Howie at the last second.

"Kidding," Nick says and grins at Howie.

"Funny."

"Yeah," Nick says. It wasn't that funny but he feels like he should say something.

"Would you ever get plastic surgery?" Howie asks.

"I don't know. Why?"

Howie shrugs.

"You think I need calf implants?" Nick asks. He lifts his leg to inspect it and accidentally drips on Howie. Howie shoves his leg away.

"Your legs are fine."

"Shapely even," Nick agrees.

"So you wouldn't?"

"I don't know," Nick says, squinting at Howie. "Maybe. I never really thought about it."

"If you were going to do it, what would you have done?"

"I don't know," Nick says again. "Liposuction? Tummy tuck?"

Howie frowns at him. "You don't need liposuction."

Nick pokes his belly a few times and then looks pointedly at Howie.

"You don't," Howie insists.

"You need glasses," Nick says and then adds "ooh, that laser eye surgery. Lasic? That's what I'd do."

"That's not plastic surgery."

Nick shrugs. "You won't let me get liposuction."

"You're a big guy, Nick. You're supposed to be a big guy. Liposuction is stupid."

"What would you do?" Nick asks, turning the question back on Howie. "You can't say leg extensions. No such thing."

"I don't - liposuction, I guess. I don't know."

"Liposuction is stupid," Nick says. "And if I don't need it then you definitely don't."

"Justin wants to sleep with his surgeon," Howie says, suddenly.

Whoa. "How do you know?"

"He's obsessed with her. He won't. He'd never do that -" Nick looks away. "- but I know he wants to."

"You're being paranoid," Nick says. "Justin's different." Different than Nick.

"Doesn't mean I'm not right," Howie says, annoyingly reasonable.

"Justin's not obsessed with a plastic surgeon, doofus. He's obsessed with you. He spent the last month on your couch. He has nicknames for you. He worships your crooked teeth."

Howie's fingers press against his lower lip. "They aren't that crooked."

"No. Just enough to be, like, what's the word I'm looking for?"

"Crooked? They are pretty crooked, aren't they."

"Endearing."

"He said that?"

No. "Yes." It doesn't matter if Justin thinks so or not. Nick thinks the crooked teeth are endearing and his opinion counts more than Justin's anyway. If Howie is happy with Justin then Nick thinks that maybe the thing to do is to make sure that Howie stays happy. With Justin. If that's what Howie wants. God knows why.

"Justin needs a nose job more than he needed fake calves."

"Shut up," Howie says, but he's laughing and Nick smiles with him.



The Surgeon Named Fran

"Fran - she's the surgeon - and I talked about it before hand. Calf implants are actually a lot less risky than breast implants," Justin tells Kevin over lunch after a contract meeting.

**

"I had an appointment with Fran the other day, you know, my surgeon. She thinks that things are healing remarkably well. There won't be much scarring at all." Justin bounces Baylee a little on his hip and grins when Brian nods.

**

"My surgeon, Fran -"

"How much do you think ass implants run?" AJ asks, cutting Justin off.

**

"Do you know when the last time I had sex was?" Nick asks Howie, following him up the stairs.

"No, Nick," Howie says, his tone indicating pretty clearly that he's just humoring Nick and really doesn't care or want to know anything pertaining to Nick and sex.

Nick frowns but keeps talking anyway. "I don't remember. Isn't that sad?"

"Just go to a bar and pick someone up," Howie suggests. "It's not that hard."

Nick stops walking. "Oh, you just reminded me, actually. It was this girl with a tattoo of a violin all down her back. That was a long time ago. Weeks. And it was only a blowjob, so really it's been months. I don't even remember the last time I had real sex."

"Why are you telling me this?" Howie asks, turning in the hallway to face Nick. "Did your hand cramp up or something?"

Nick's mouth drops open. "Howie!" he says all scandalized, and starts pushing Howie on down the hall. Howie chuckles and lets Nick shove him.

Nick follows Howie into the bedroom. Justin's standing in front of the mirror looking at his stupid legs, his fingers running over the lines of his new calves.

"Christ," Nick breathes, low and quiet. Howie slaps his arm.

"What do you think?" Justin asks, pointing his toe and turning toward them. His mouth is twisted up in a little frown.

"They look fantastic," Howie says, reaching out to grip Justin's leg. "I've been telling you for weeks. They're gorgeous."

"I like them," Justin nods. He reaches out and pulls Howie in toward him, his lips brushing over Howie's softly before beginning the actual kiss and when Nick catches the slide of Justin's tongue across Howie's lower lip he clears his throat and turns away. It's pretty obvious now that Justin thinks the crooked bottom teeth are endearing too.

Justin pulls out of the kiss and smoothes out the wrinkles in Howie's shirt. His eyes are dark when he glances over at Nick.

"I'm going out for drinks tonight with Fran," Justin says, kissing Howie on the cheek. He turns to Nick and clarifies. "Fran is my surgeon."

"I fucking know who Fran is. Everyone knows who Fran is." Nick thinks his voice sounds a little funny and he clears his throat again.

Justin blinks at Nick. "Okay. Kind of snappy today, man."

"Okay," Nick agrees. And then says "Sorry."

"Why are you here again?" Justin asks.

"Howie's my friend."

"So is AJ, but I don't see you showing up on his doorstep every fucking day," Justin points out.

"Howie lives closer. Do you want me to leave?" Nick asks, turning to Howie.

Howie shakes his head but he doesn't seem like he's really paying much attention to their conversation at all.

"See," Nick says, waving a hand toward Howie. "Now shut up."

Justin turns to Howie. "We should spend more time at my place."

"Sure," Howie says and excuses himself to use the bathroom.

"Come here," Justin says, waving Nick over.

"You better not kiss me," Nick says, taking a few steps over toward Justin.

Justin snorts. "Yeah, right. Let me see your leg."

Nick rolls his eyes and then rolls up his jeans for Justin.

"Okay, good," Justin says. "Mine are nicer."

"You're a freak."

"How are Kevin's calves? Kevin has great calves, doesn't he?"

"I don't care about Kevin's calves," Nick says.

"Me neither," Justin agrees. He sits down on the end of Howie's bed.

"Why did you get those?" Nick asks.

Justin shrugs. "Why did you get that tattoo?" He asks pointing to the one at Nick's wrist and Nick decides there's really no point talking to someone who thought calf implants were a good idea in the first place.

**

Nick sticks around until Justin leaves for drinks with his fucking plastic surgeon. As soon as the front door closes, Howie looks pointedly at Nick.

"Okay," Nick concedes. "Justin's obviously obsessed with her." He was willing to help Justin if that was what made Howie happy, but Howie seems less happy every day, so screw that.

"I don't know what to do," Howie says. "Things aren't that - I should just let him go before things get too, you know, involved."

Nick frowns. "He's been living here for over a month. How much more involved can you get?"

"He told me he loved me two days after we started sleeping together," Howie says. "He's worse than you."

"I knew you for years before I told you I love you."

"I meant in general," Howie amends.

"Oh." Howie stares at him for a few minutes and Nick's not sure if Howie is waiting for him to continue talking or what, but Howie has pretty eyelashes and Nick's uncomfortable and suddenly confused and he makes up an excuse about a date and gets out of there pretty quick.

**

"Why are you here?" Brian asks, shortly after he lets Nick into the house. Nick doesn't walk right into Brian's house, ever. Leighanne thinks it's rude. She's probably right.

"You want me to go?"

"No," Brian says. "I've just been seeing a lot of you is all. AJ says he's been seeing a lot of you. I know you're at Howie's all the time. What's up, man?"

Nick just shrugs and Brian lets it drop because Brian's like that. He lets Nick think he's letting it go, but he's really just waiting for Nick to spill. He knows Nick will.

"So," Nick says, much later, as soon as Leighanne leaves to go put Baylee to bed. "I'm in love with Howie."

Brian nods. "Yeah, aren't we all."

"I'm serious."

"You love Howie or you're in love with Howie, because dude, no shit. I love Howie too."

Nick snorts. "Have you ever kissed Howie?"

"Sure, all the time," Brian says. He stands up from the couch and disappears into the kitchen. Nick follows him.

"No," Nick amends. "Like kiss kiss him."

"Oh," Brian frowns. "Maybe once when I was drunk or something. I don't know. Did he tell you I did? Are you here to beat me up?"

Nick shrugs. "Have you ever thought about having sex with me?"

"What's with you right now?" Brian asks. "No."

"Okay," Nick nods. "Good."

"Why? Do you want to have sex with me?" Brian asks. He seems a tad wary now. "You know, normally?"

"No. I don't know. I haven't had sex in a really long time. Everyone's looking good right now."

"Okay," Brian nods. Brian shuffles around the counter and comes to stand with his back to Nick. "Here."

"Here what?"

"It's an experiment. Grab my ass." Brian shakes it a little and pushes back toward Nick until he's moving against Nick's thigh. Nick laughs and pushes him away.

"This is stupid," Nick says, but he's still laughing, and when Brian's ass doesn't get any less persistent, he reaches out and cups Brian's left cheek.

"Was that so hard?" Brian asks, and Nick giggles a little more and squeezes. And that's when Leighanne strolls into the kitchen.

"Um," Leighanne says and holds up her hands and turns to leave.

"It's an experiment," Brian explains.

"I don't think I want to know."

"Nick's not sure if he wants to have sex with me," Brian says, then turns to look at Nick over his shoulder. "Do I make you horny, baby?"

Nick snorts and slaps Brian's ass. "Not anymore!"

"Okay," Leighanne says, slowly. "I'm going to go pick out a movie. As soon as you two are finished groping each other you can come and join me."

"So you're in love with Howie," Brian says when Leighanne is gone. He grabs some sodas from the fridge and hands one to Nick. "Again."

Nick takes the soda and shakes his head. "no, no. Not again. Don't make it sound like that. Still. Not again."

"Still," Brian amends. "Sorry."

"So what should I do?"

Brian tilts his head a little when he turns to look at Nick, which is a sure sign that Nick isn't going to like what Brian has to say. "Howie's with Justin, now. You're not going to do anything."

"I have to do something."

"You could be happy for Howie," Brian suggests. He's looking at Nick now like Nick's a poor little fuck up who realized his mistake far far too late and well, that's pretty accurate, isn't it?

**

Nick spends an afternoon with Howie and thinks about what Brian said. The thing is, it's easy for Brian to say that because he's off in his happy little wife and Baylee world and is not at all convinced that Justin is ready to leave Howie at any second so that he can get it on with his plastic surgeon. If Nick really still loves Howie, which he does and even when he thought he didn't love love Howie, he still loved him, because come on, who doesn't? If Nick still loves Howie then he should just be happy for him. But Nick was happy for him. And now Howie's not so happy anymore. So does Nick try to fix things? Talk to Justin, find out what's going on? Or does Nick push for his own interests? Nick knows which way he's leaning and he's spent the last two days feeling like a complete asshole about it, which isn't really anything new, but it feels a lot worse than usual. Usually spending time with Howie helps. So far it isn't helping.

Justin's not around. It's not hard to guess where he is.

"So, I asked him about her," Howie says eventually.

"Yeah?"

"He says they're just friends but he was blushing the whole time and kept fidgeting with his jeans. He wouldn't do anything. He wouldn't. But that doesn't mean he doesn't want to, you know?"

Howie rubs his fingers across his nose and then scrunches up his face before he continues talking. Howie has glasses that he wears even less than Nick wears his own.

"You should wear your glasses more often," Nick says.

Howie makes a face at him.

Nick shrugs. "They're sexy."

"I'm looking for help here," Howie says, trying to get Nick back on track. It's a little too late for that now. Nick hasn't had sex in a really really long time.

Howie's talking to him again, but Nick can't listen. All Nick can do is stare at Howie's adorably crooked bottom teeth. All he can think about is sliding his tongue over them. He used to do that all the time. Justin does it now. Nick wonders if Justin does it better.

"Nick," Howie says. He's frowning and Nick can't see the teeth anymore, so he looks up and tries to look right at Howie, but instead he's looking at the freckles on the bridge of Howie's nose. He used to kiss them. Stolen kisses in public places. So quick that they looked like nothing more than Nick bothering Howie, embarrassing Howie. And Howie blushed up all nice and red and it was so convincing.

Howie tries again. "I'm trying to talk to you."

"You should break up with him," Nick says. "Justin. You should do that."

Howie is still frowning at him. It doesn't take Howie long to catch onto things, things like the fact that Nick isn't being objective in this at all anymore. Isn't even trying, really. Nick's always been better at being completely selfish. He probably won't get what he wants. He doesn't really deserve it, but it's definitely worth a shot.

"Right. I need advice from someone that isn't you," Howie says reasonably.

"You could ask Kevin," Nick suggests.

**

Justin isn't around the next day when Nick drops by either. He's not around the day after that when Nick lets himself into Howie's house and waits outside Howie's bathroom door while Howie finishes taking a shower.

Howie jumps six feet in the air when he opens the door wrapped in a towel to find Nick standing there. He even drops the towel.

"What the fuck," Howie snaps, snatching his towel from the floor and wrapping it back around his waist. Nick tries not to smile. "What the fuck?"

"Sorry," Nick says.

"I'm changing the locks."

"Did you talk to Kevin?" Nick asks, following Howie across the room to Howie's closet.

"No," Howie says, thowing a pair of jeans at Nick. "I talked to AJ."

"And?"

Howie shrugs.

"Is Justin out with his surgeon?"

"I don't know," Howie says, grabbing a shirt from the closet. "Yes. Can you leave while I get dressed?"

"Why?" Nick asks. It's not like he hasn't seen Howie naked fifty five billion times.

"Come on," Howie says, he starts pushing Nick out of the bedroom with one hand while the other grips the towel wrapped around his waist.

"What if I just don't look?" Nick asks, not because he's against leaving, but because it's kind of funny with Howie being all insistent. "You smell nice."

"Thanks," Howie says and shoves Nick into the hallway. "Go."

"I'll be downstairs," Nick says and Howie shuts the bedroom door in his face.

**

There's still a picture of Howie and Nick on Howie's mantle. Nick says still not because Howie having a picture of the two of them is strange, but because in the picture, which Kevin took, Nick has his arm wrapped around Howie's neck and his face smashed up against Howie's, his lips pressed to Howie's temple. Howie's grinning and blushing and squinting a little. Howie's hand is on Nick's stomach. It's not a friend picture. Or it is, except that Nick knows that at the time it was more than that. Basically, it's just an odd choice.

In the beginning it was all Howie. Nick flirted and it was fun and not much more until Howie made it so. Howie spent months and months running away from Nick and laughing and acting grossed out when Nick kissed his cheek or licked his forehead or made a suggestive comment and when Howie finally had a few too many drinks and snapped and shoved Nick against the wall of his hotel room and kissed him, Nick was completely taken by surprise. He never guessed that Howie might actually want him. He never guessed that Howie would turn him on like that. He definitely never guessed how good Howie was in bed.

He thought that was it, a night of drunken sex, so when he woke up the next morning and kissed the side of Howie's mouth and asked Howie if he wanted anything for breakfast, he was surprised when Howie blushed bright red and covered his face with his hands and said "Oh God."

"What?" Nick asked, his hand on Howie's shoulder.

"I'm so sorry," Howie said, his voice muffled from behind his hands.

"Why?" Nick asked, stupidly.

"I didn't mean to - I didn't want you to know."

"Oh," Nick said. He removed his hand from Howie's shoulder, but when Howie pulled his hands from his face and looked at Nick and Nick saw the worry in Howie's eyes, Nick put his hand back and squeezed. "Oh. I didn't think."

"I should just go back to my room," Howie said. Nick tried to convince him to stay for breakfast, but Howie wasn't ready, Howie needed time, and Nick could understand that. Nick could probably use some time too.

It was a week before it happened again and it was once again Howie who started it, but it was Nick who kept it going, Nick who made sure that Howie knew that it was his choice and that he wanted to be there. It was Nick who said I love you. And then almost a year later it was Nick who fucked it all up.

"Do you want a drink or something?" Howie asks from right behind Nick's shoulder. Nick jumps and turns away from the picture. Howie looks entirely too pleased at his spot of revenge.

"I didn't hear you," Nick says, but Howie's looking over Nick's shoulder at the snapshot of a time before Nick fucked up.

"What?" Howie asks eventually.

"I said I want a Coke," Nick says loudly.

"You know where the fridge is. Bring me a glass of iced tea."

"What did your last servant die of?" Nick grumbles, but turns toward the kitchen anyway.

"Syphilis," Howie says, hardly missing a beat.

"Gross." Nick grabs himself a soda and pours a drink for Howie, but as he re-enters the living room he sets Howie's drink on a table at the opposite side of the room.

"You're kidding," Howie says, eyeing Nick from his spot on the couch.

"About what?" Nick asks. "I missed it. Did I say something funny?"

"I hate you," Howie says. He crosses his arms and refuses to go retrieve his drink.

"You love me," Nick disagrees. He collapses onto the couch beside Howie and plants an overly wet kiss on Howie's cheek.

"Not today, I don't," Howie insists, shrugging to wipe Nick's kiss onto his shoulder.

"Everyday." Nick leans in and kisses Howie's cheek a second time.

"Nick," Howie protests.

"Howie," Nick counters, his tone mimicking Howie's.

"Don't."

"Don't what?" Nick asks as he goes to kiss Howie's cheek for the third time, but Howie turns to say something at the last minute and Nick misses Howie's cheek entirely and instead kisses the corner of Howie's mouth, his mouth brushes across the soft edge of Howie's lips. He pulls away quickly but not quite quickly enough.

"Sorry," Nick says, sitting up a little more on the couch.

"No." Howie shakes his head. "Nick, it's okay."

"I was just - you know, playing. I didn't mean to -"

"It's okay," Howie says again.

"No," Nick insists. He has to stand up, he has to move before he panics. It's too late. He's panicking. "Shit."

"It's okay," Howie says a third time. He's keeping his voice soft and Nick can tell that Howie wants him to calm down. Nick takes a deep breath and goes to retrieve Howie's iced tea.

"Okay," Nick says. "Okay."

He hands the drink to Howie and takes another deep breath. Howie accepts the glass and sips the tea, not taking his eyes off Nick.

The kiss. It's exactly what Nick wants and exactly what he absolutely doesn't deserve and Howie is being entirely too cool about this. Howie should yell and kick Nick out of his house, tell Nick to fuck off, sic Justin on him. Something.

"Come sit down," Howie says and he pats the couch next to him as though Nick's his trained pet. And Nick is, Nick wants to be, and oh god that sounds so fucking lame, but Nick cannot sit down right now.

"I can't," Nick says, still shaking his head.

"Please?" Howie asks.

Maybe it's because Howie dropped his towel. The picture. The freckles. And then the kiss. It's too much. Way too much. Howie doesn't deserve this shit and Nick has to get the hell out of there.

"I've gotta go," Nick says. "I'll call you later." He's outside before Howie has a chance to stop him. He isn't sure that Howie would try to stop him. Howie shouldn't try.

**

If Nick loves Howie he should be happy for him. Be happy for him and stay out of Howie's love life. He doesn't belong there, not anymore. He was insane to think he might belong there again.

Nick calls Howie later that night. Howie doesn't pick up, so Nick leaves a voice mail.

"I think we're wrong about Justin. He loves you, man. He's good for you. You should talk to him. Try to work it out. I just think - I think it's nothing, you know? The surgeon thing. Like an infatuation maybe, but not like anything real, right? And I'm, you know. I'm sorry. I'll see you some time. Next week, maybe. I don't know. Talk to Justin and let me know how it goes."

Nick feels a little better - a little safer - as soon as he hangs up the phone.



Over and Over

Nick opens his front door to find Howie on his doorstep.

"Hi," Howie says.

Nick says. "Why didn't you come in?" Nick never even thinks to stand wait on Howie's doorstep.

Howie just shrugs and shoves his hands into his pockets. "I was worried about you. It's been two weeks. You aren't answering your phone."

"How long have you been standing there?" Nick asks. "I saw your car in the driveway." Howie shouldn't be standing on Nick's doorstep worrying about Nick. That's now how these things are supposed to work. Nick walks into their houses and stands around on their doorsteps and it's usually not the other way around. Especially not with Howie.

"I broke up with Justin," Howie says.

"Oh," Nick says. "Oh, come in. Come on."

Howie looks tiny standing in the middle of Nick's foyer.

"When?" Nick asks.

Howie shrugs and says "Last night. Do you have tea?"

Nick nods. "I can make some."

Howie follows Nick into the kitchen and Nick digs through his cupboards until he finds the box of tea bags. They've been in there forever. Nick has no idea if tea goes bad. He sniffs it and shrugs.

"So it was real?" Nick asks as he fills a kettle.

"I guess. He was upset and then relieved and then guilty. He said he loves me."

"I think he does," Nick agrees. He's not sure why he says it.

"Maybe." Howie sighs. "I don't know."

Nick pulls out two mugs and drops tea bags in each one. He doesn't like tea much, but if Howie's drinking it then so is he.

"So how are you?" Nick asks. He feels like Kevin, making tea and asking the important questions.

Howie shrugs. "Confused. Tired. Relieved. Mostly confused." Nick pours water into one of the mugs and hands it to Howie. "Thanks."

"But you think it was the right thing to do?"

Howie smiles up at Nick. "I do."

Nick nods. "Good. That's what matters right? You have to do what's right for you, man."

"I guess so," Howie agrees. "Do you mind if I stay a while?"

**

"Thanks," Howie says later when they're sprawled across Nick's oversized couch, flipping channels. There is nothing on tv but a marathon of America's Next Top Model and though Howie hasn't ever even heard of the show (Howie lives under a rock when it comes to television), Nick's already seen all of the episodes. Nick flips past and stops on an infomercial for the Magic Bullet.

"and one, two, three, fresh pesto," Nick says and Howie looks at him funny. Howie doesn't keep up with infomercials either. Nick gestures toward the television and then says "Thanks for what? I didn't do anything."

"You've been there," Howie says. He shrugs. "I just appreciate it."

"I thought I was driving you nuts and giving bad advice," Nick says. "I didn't think I was helping."

"You were."

"Driving you nuts?"

Howie smiles. "Well, both, I guess."

Sometime during the evening Howie shifted on the couch. Nick wasn't paying attention, but he is now and Howie is right there, Howie's shoulder tucked nicely in under Nick's arm, his body so close that Nick can feel him breathe.

"Okay," Nick says. "You're welcome for the nuts driving."

Howie laughs a little and Nick can feel it in his chest. He can feel Howie's breath on his cheek and he watches carefully as the Magic Bullet whips up a lovely guacamole in a matter of seconds. He isn't going to give in. He isn't going to do this to Howie. Howie shouldn't have come.

"Nick," Howie says. He sounds even closer now if that's possible, and Nick knows it is. Nick continues to watch the television.

"Nick," Howie says again. "Look at me."

"No," Nick says.

"Please."

He can't. "I can't."

Howie moves and then Howie's hand is on Nick's chin and he's turning Nick to face him. Nick tries to keep his eyes on the television even as his face turns toward Howie and the bad infomercial actors look a little distorted from the new angle. Howie's fingers are squishing Nick's cheeks a little and Nick kind of wonders why Howie isn't laughing at him except that's exactly the moment that Howie kisses him, squished cheeks and all. Nick's so busy with the television that he doesn't see it coming until too late, which is a great excuse and as Nick's lips fit with Howie's as though it's exactly where they're meant to be, Nick knows that he wouldn't have stopped it even if he'd been watching.

"Nicky," Howie says against Nick's mouth and Nick's been here before, it's all so familiar and right and right and Nick reaches out and pulls Howie even closer.

It's a small kiss, a soft kiss and Howie sighs when he pulls away and rests his head on Nick's shoulder.

"You know, I think I own that Magic Bullet thing," Howie says, and Nick laughs and kisses Howie's hair and the freckles on the bridge of Howie's nose. Howie scrunches up his face and wipes at his nose. "You always do that," he says.

"You have those freckles," Nick says. He looks down at Howie and Howie looks back up at him and makes that scrunchy face that Nick loves. It's easy to pretend that this is something that Nick can let himself do when Howie's making the scrunchy face.

Nick presses his thumb to Howie's bottom lip. Howie knocks his hand away.

"Wait," Nick says, and presses his thumb again, exposing Howie's teeth. Howie bites the pad of Nick's thumb and then licks it.

"Ew," Nick says, and wipes his thumb across Howie's cheek. Howie pinches Nick's stomach.

"Kiss me again," Howie says, and it's so easy. So easy. And Nick does.

**

Nick sits on the end of his bed and waits for Howie to wake up. He doesn't have to wait long.

"Hey," Howie says.

"Hi."

Howie stretches and pushes the blankets down a little, exposing his chest. Nick looks away. Someone is going to kill him. He's not sure if it'll be Brian or Kevin or AJ or Justin, but he knows it'll be someone.

"I was going to make breakfast," Nick says. He wiggles his toes and stares down at them. Howie sits up and rubs a hand across Nick's back. He says "that sounds good."

"Except I don't have any breakfast food," Nick finishes. Howie kisses Nick's neck. Nick closes his eyes. There's no way he deserves this. "I have cold pizza."

Howie kisses his neck again. "I could eat pizza."

"I'll go get it," Nick says. He hopes he didn't jump up from the bed too quickly.

"Shit," Nick says, running down the stairs. "Shit. Shit shit shit. Fuck."

He paces the kitchen and wonders what to do now. Sleeping with Howie was absolutely not part of the plan to keep Howie from getting hurt. Nick wonders if Howie was drinking before he showed up on Nick's doorstep. What was Howie thinking? Howie knows Nick. He knows Nick way too well. He knows that Nick wouldn't be able to stop himself. Not when it comes to Howie. Not with Howie curled up against him, rubbing against him and asking so nicely.

"Shit," Nick says again.

He grabs the box of pizza from the fridge and two bottles of water and heads back up the stairs.

**

"I have meetings this afternoon," Howie says once the pizza is gone. He pulls Nick's hair.

"Okay," Nick says.

"Are you?" Howie asks. "Okay?"

"Are you?" Nick counters.

"Yes."

"Me too."

"Okay," Howie says. He's frowning.

Howie climbs out of the bed, grabs his jeans from the floor, and disappears into the bathroom.

"Okay," Nick says to the empty room.

**

"What?" AJ says when Nick walks into AJ's kitchen. Marcus is leaning against the counter reading a newspaper.

"It's Howie," Nick says. He thought about it long and hard and decided that AJ will kill him the quickest. Quick is good.

"Dude, leave Howie alone."

Nick eyes Marcus, but keeps talking anyway. Marcus knows about all of Nick's previous fuck ups, he might as well know about this one too. "It's a little too late for that," Nick admits.

"What do you mean?" AJ asks.

"I slept with Howie last night," Nick says. Marcus puts down his newspaper.

"You didn't," AJ says.

Nick shrugs.

"Are you insane?"

"I think I might be," Nick admits.

**

Nick glances at his phone, frowns, and then says "How did you get this number?"

"I'm such a fucking ass," a voice says with a sigh. "Fran is great. Fantastic. I think I'm in love. Like crazy in love, man."

"Justin?" Nick asks. He expected a fan or a radio station or something.

"Yeah. Sorry. I should have said. But Nick, crazy in love. I'm not thinking straight here."

Nick frowns. It's been what? A week? At most? Nick wasn't sure. He was being selfish, but obviously, telling Howie to break up with Justin had been the right idea. Justin falls in love faster than Nick. Faster than AJ. Nick didn't think that was possible.

"How did you get this number?" Nick asks again.

"Who cares," Justin says, pushing forward with the conversation. "I just wanted to like, I don't know, talk to someone."

"You have friends," Nick points out. "You have a lot of friends. You have like a posse."

"Okay, so maybe I wanted to talk to you. Okay?"

Nick doesn't know why Justin would want to talk to him about Justin's weird surgeon thing. Unless Justin is bullshitting him and knows that Nick told Howie to break up with Justin and is just being nice so he can get close enough to beat the shit out of Nick with his shiny new calves.

"Do you mind if I come over there?"

"Where?"

"Your place," Justin explains. He's starting to sound exasperated.

Nick pulls himself off his couch and walks the few steps to the window, glancing out around the drapes. He's only a little surprised to see Justin's car sitting in his driveway. He didn't think Justin knew where he lived, but then he also didn't think Justin had his phone number. Justin has connections. "Why?"

"To talk," Justin says, clearly trying to be patient. Nick can see Justin rub a hand across his face. Justin sighs. "You know what? Nevermind."

"Justin, I can see you," Nick says.

"Oh," Justin says. He looks up and Nick waves to him from the window. "Okay. I feel like an idiot. I'm coming in."

**

"You better not be here to beat the shit out of me or anything," Nick says when he opens the door for Justin, getting right to the point. Justin gives him a strange look and pushes past Nick and into Nick's house.

"You're weird," Justin says. "You know that, right?"

Nick shrugs. "Calf implants."

"How are you?" Justin asks. He shifts from one foot to the other.

"Crazy in love," Nick admits.

"Who?" Justin asks and then his eyes get big and he says "No."

Nick rubs his hand over his hair. "I fucked up."

"No," Justin says again. "Why?"

"He's Howie."

"But you've been over for years."

"I love him," Nick says.

"You fucked it up already?"

"I fucked it up years ago."

"I know," Justin says, waving a hand. "But again?"

"He's - I don't know. He's so Howie."

"He's always wanted you," Justin says. "I saw it in his eyes every day. You were lounging there in a sweatshirt and shorts with your smelly feet propped up on Howie's coffee table and Howie still wanted you."

"He shouldn't."

"Well, no shit. But he does."

"So what should I do?" Nick asks.

Justin shrugs. "I don't know. Whatever he wants you to do."



Anything

"I love you," Howie says over dinner. Howie didn't cook and there's no candlelight. Just containers of Chinese food and two forks and the kitchen counter. Nick shifts uncomfortably on his stool anyway. "I'm in love with you. Always."

"You shouldn't be," Nick says. Howie used to say it all the time. Nick's not sure why the words are so scary now.

"I can't help it. I never could."

Nick closes his eyes. So guilty. So fucking guilty.

"Nick," Howie says. "I'm not - I know. I know you're not ready. That's the thing. That's what this is about. I know."

Nick's not ready? Of course he isn't. He'll never be ready to do this to Howie again. Nick doesn't know how Howie can possibly be ready for that.

"I won't hurt you again," Nick insists.

"I know."

Nick leans across the counter and kisses Howie over the bucket of lo mein.

**

"Did you love Justin?" Nick asks. He kisses across Howie's back.

"Not like this," Howie says. "Not like you."

Nick kisses Howie's left shoulder and Howie says "There's never been anyone like you."

Nick nuzzles a little in the hair at the back of Howie's neck, breathes deep. This can't last. Any second now Howie will remember how Nick was, Howie will remember why he doesn't want this, why Nick doesn't deserve this.

"I'll do anything you want," Nick says, forming the words against Howie's skin. "Anything you want."

**

He says it again the next morning when Howie climbs into the shower with him. "Anything you want," Nick says, letting Howie have his way. "Anything."

"Anything?" Howie asks, and Nick can feel Howie's smile against his skin.

"Yes," Nick whispers and it sounds almost like a hiss.

Howie stands up on his tiptoes, his hands gripping tight on Nick's sides trying to keep his balance. He leans in, his mouth close to Nick's ear and says "Get calf implants for me" right before he begins kissing down Nick's neck.

Calf implants? Okay, Howie's kidding. He's kidding. Ha ha. There's no way Howie wants him to - oh, okay. Howie's mouth is at the base of Nick's neck, sucking, and then Howie's moving down, down and Nick leans his head back against the wall and closes his eyes.

"Say yes," Howie whispers against Nick's stomach. "Say it."

"Yes," Nick says. He'll do anything.

**

"You were kidding, right?" Nick says later that day. He glances around the deli. It's pretty empty and no one is paying any attention to them. He grabs half of Howie's sandwich and takes a bite. "About, you know? In the shower?"

Howie blinks at him a few times and then says "Of course I was."

Nick lets out a sigh of relief. "Thank God."

**

The next day Howie brings up calf implants again. He does it in passing, a joke about some guy on TV, but Nick's not sure. He's not sure later when Howie is nibbling behind his right knee, his hand massaging Nick's left thigh. He's not sure anymore if Howie is really kidding or just saying he is.

When Howie leaves to meet with some dude about some hotel that Howie wants to buy or build or betroth or something, Nick pulls on a pair of shorts and stands in front of the mirror. He bites his lip and tries flexing his legs a little, then turns around and twists to that he can see them from behind. Then he picks up the phone and dials AJ.

"Do you think I need calf implants?" he asks.

AJ snorts. "You? Have you seen my legs? No, I don't think you need calf implants, man."

"Do you think Howie thinks I need them?"

"I think Howie likes your legs just fine, Nick."

Nick points his toe and frowns at the mirror. "But would he like him better with more…I don't know. Definition?"

"Justin has calf implants, yeah?"

Nick just grunts a little, not thinking that question even deserves a response.

"And is Howie still with Justin?"

"Not because of the implants," Nick points out.

"Right," AJ agrees. "Because of you. And that surgeon or whatever. But mostly you."

"He didn't break up with Justin because of me."

"Believe what you want, Nick. I can guarantee you that Howie finds you pretty fucking hot exactly the way you are."

"I'm going to ask Justin what he thinks," Nick decides.

"Good idea. Ask the crazy nutjob who's fucking the surgeon who sold him his very first set of implants. I bet he can get you a great deal, man."

**

"You're thinking about it?" Justin asks, taking a sip of his beer. "Really? Because I can get you a sweet discount if you're serious."

Nick shrugs and gulps his own beer. "Howie liked yours?"

"Loved them. Couldn't stop touching them, you know?" Nick nods. It makes sense. As long as Nick can remember, Howie's always had a thing for legs. Nick figures it's because Howie is so obviously lacking in that department. Of course Howie would love something that further enhances the leg area.

"He mentioned me getting, you know, them and he said he was kidding, but he's brought it up again in passing and man. I'll do anything, you know? I don't know if he thinks I'll think he's still hung up on you and that's why he won't say it. I don't know. Am I making sense?"

"I can set up an appointment for you," Justin offers. "Just a preliminary thing, right?"

Nick nods. "That would be great. Yeah. I just - I want to think about it a little more."

**

"I'm getting calf implants," Nick tells Kevin when Kevin finally agrees to let him drop by.

Kevin frowns and crosses his legs, his hand on his chin like he's Nick's fucking shrink or something. Nick decides to play along and leans back on the couch. "You're getting what?"

"Calf implants," Nick repeats.

"Why?" Kevin asks. "And get your shoes off my sofa."

Nick drops his feet back to the floor. "You don't think it's a good idea?"

"I didn't say that. I asked why."

"Howie wants me to."

"He said that?"

Nick scrunches up his face, squints a little, and says "Kind of."

"So he didn't say it."

"No, no," Nick shakes his head. "He said it. But then he said he was kidding. But then he brought it up again. He's embarrassed."

Kevin gives Nick a look. "Howie's embarrassed by calf implants."

Nick holds up a finger. "Howie's embarrassed that he likes calf implants. I think it's like - you know how Brian pretends that he's against breast implants? Like that. The principle of the thing."

"Nick," Kevin sighs. "Howie was kidding."

"There's a little bit of truth in every just kidding," Nick says, wisely.

"You're a moron."

"I know," Nick agrees. "But I'm a moron who's right."

"Do you want me to talk to Howie?"

"What?" Nick sits up and turns to face Kevin. "No! Don't talk to him. He's embarrassed."

"He's not embarrassed, Nick. He was kidding."

"You know what I think it is?"

Kevin leans back in his chair. "No, but I bet it's going to be good."

Nick leans back too and catches himself just as he's about to plop his feet back on Kevin's couch. "It's a test," he says, planting his feet firmly on the ground.

"Oh God," Kevin mutters and looks around the room as though he's hoping someone else is standing there sharing in the conversation. "Now you're kidding."

"No," Nick shakes his head. "It's a test. That's why he's crazy and sleeping with me and telling me he loves me and completely forgetting that I'm the fucking asshole who fucked three fans while I was too fucked up to care who I was hurting and what I was losing. How can he just forget that? I can't forget it. He can't forgive me for that just like that, you know? It's a test."

"You fucked up," Kevin agrees. "You fucked up badly. It was also what? Five years ago? It's not like you just met on the street after all this time. Howie's been around you for five years since it happened, Nick. He knows you and maybe he's seen how you've changed. He's not tricking you to get plastic surgery as some kind of revenge. That's idiotic."

"What if I haven't changed?" Nick asks. He's not in the same place he was then. He knows that, he's made sure of that, but he wasn't in that place when he and Howie first got together either. How does he know he won't end up back there? How can he know?

**

Nick searches Howie's entire house, calls out Howie's name, dials Howie's cellphone and leaves a message and makes himself a sandwich before he finally strolls out into the backyard and finds Howie in the pool. He stops short, his sandwich half way to his mouth.

"You're swimming," he says, stupidly.

"I am," Howie agrees, treading water and squinting up at Nick.

"You never swim," Nick points out.

"I'm swimming now."

"Yeah," Nick agrees. "But admit it. This is the first time you've been in that pool ever, isn't it."

Howie swims over to the side of the pool and rests his arms on the pavement. "Maybe," he says.

"Where's your phone? I was calling you from inside."

Howie looks around. "It might be in my car."

"You're in the pool and you don't know where your phone is? Are you drunk?"

"Maybe," Howie says again, but Nick can tell he's not by the way he's smiling while he says it. Howie just thinks he's being funny now.

"You shouldn't swim drunk," Nick says, setting his sandwich down on a patio chair. "Not without a lifeguard on duty."

"Yeah, well, I'm living life on the edge," Howie says.

Nick pulls off his shirt and tosses it onto the chair next to his sandwich.

"I was going to get out," Howie says, inching along the wall toward the ladder.

"If you get out now, I'm just gonna have to toss you back in," Nick threatens, stepping out of his shorts. Howie's already on the first step of the ladder by the time Nick dives in. He swims over to Howie, pulling him back into the pool by the seat of his swimming trunks. "Shit, this water's freezing. I can't believe you're in here."

Howie struggles in Nick's grip, his limbs sliding against Nick's. Nick grunts a little, wraps an arm around Howie's shoulders, and starts hauling Howie into shallower water.

"Backstreet Boy drowns bandmate. Bandmate is half big oaf's size. Had no chance. News at 11," Howie mutters against Nick's arm. "This is why I don't use the pool, you know. It's scary in here."

"Come on," Nick says, standing Howie up in four feet of water. "It'll get better."

"My toes are numb."

Nick gets up close to Howie, his toes covering Howie's toes. "Better?" he asks, leaning down to kiss Howie's mouth, his hand curling around the back of Howie's neck. "Better?"

"Your toes are freezing too," Howie says, but he's kissing Nick back anyway and doesn't look much like he's planning to climb out of the pool anytime soon. Howie's fingers scratch across Nick's stomach and Nick sucks in his breath and then traces a path from Howie's mouth to his ear, lining it with kisses that he hopes feel hot against Howie's cool skin. Howie's fingers reach Nick's sides and pull him closer, moaning a little in Nick's ear, his breath warm against Nick's neck.

God, Nick thinks again and again. Howie's mouth finds his own and Howie's tongue feels like fire and Howie's fingers slip beneath the edge of Nick's boxers. God. He's so undeserving. He's the absolute definition of the word. He's going to do whatever it takes to keep this. Anything. Everything.

Nick's boxers slide off his hips and Howie's hands are everywhere, slowly sliding across Nick's skin. Nick tries to move even closer, pushes his tongue into Howie's mouth, swallows Howie's groan. He feels Howie shiver against his body and then Howie's hand closes around Nick and Nick closes his eyes and shivers too. He'll do anything.

"Nick?" Howie asks, breaking their kiss. Nick frowns and opens his eyes. "You aren't - are you okay?"

Howie's hand is still on him and Nick shivers again, kisses Howie's nose. Howie's right though. He's only half hard. "I'm freezing," Nick admits.

"Me too," Howie says, and then pauses to suck on Nick's lower lip. So hot. "Inside."

That's all Howie has to say and Nick's moving, pulling himself out of the pool and then turning to give Howie a hand. The ladder is too far. The stairs are even farther. Nick doesn't want to wait. Nick wraps himself around Howie and they hurry into the house, tripping over each other's feet. Howie laughs and doesn't complain once about the water that they're tracking all over everything.

"My God," Nick says, when he's spread across Howie's bed and Howie's hot mouth is everywhere, Howie's fingers warm now, so warm. "We're doing that again."

"Living life on the edge," Howie agrees.

**

"Nick," Justin says, standing when Nick finally strolls into the office, ten minutes late for their morning meeting. "This is Fran."

Nick smiles and turns to greet Fran. She's not what Nick expected. Nick's not sure what he expected, but he didn't expect this. In his head a surgeon who does things like calf implants is the equivalent of the tattoo artists that Nick frequents. Nick was kind of expecting pink hair, spikes and maybe a nose ring. Fran doesn't have any of those things. Instead she's tall and her skin is the color of chocolate, her dark hair is pulled back and held there with two long sticks. She's wearing glasses and a white coat and Nick wonders if she and Justin have done it in this office, Justin ripping off the coat, throwing the glasses aside and taking her against the desk. Justin seems like he'd be into the whole science girl fantasy. They probably get off talking about exactly how well Fran could surgically enhance Justin's ass. Nick kind of hopes so. Justin's ass could use some enhancement.

"Hi," Nick says and reaches out to shake Fran's hand. She glances over at Justin and then smiles warmly at Nick and offers him a seat.

"Justin tells me you're interested in calf implants," Fran says, pulling out some kind of chart.

"Um, yeah," Nick says. "I'm just, you know. I haven't decided."

Fran nods. "This is all preliminary." She turns to look at Justin again, this time her eyes shifting toward the door. Justin stands and claps Nick on the shoulder.

"You can stay if you want to, man," Nick says. "I wouldn't mind another opinion."

Fran shrugs and Justin sits back down.

Fran spends half an hour explaining all of the different types of calf implants that are available, what they're made out of, how the procedure works, the recovery time, the cost, and then she has Nick take off his pants and she draws all over him with black marker, hemming and hawing and poking and by the time Nick leaves he's covered in dotted lines and has a list of about 15 different things that could be enhanced or shrunk or tightened.

He doesn't go home, goes straight to Howie's and washes all the black lines off in the shower instead. Howie's at some kind of meeting and Nick waits patiently for him to return, curled up on Howie's couch with the television remote in his hand.

**

"How can you stand it?" Nick asks Justin the next day over the phone.

"Stand what?"

"I mean, I get it, man," Nick amends. "She's nice and she's smart and she's gorgeous. I get that, but dude, don't you like? Aren't you afraid to get naked in front of her?"

"Why would I be?"

"Dude, after that I'm kind of afraid to get naked in front of Howie."

"I don't get it," Justin says and Justin probably doesn't. Justin could use a nose job and that butt enhancement wouldn't be a bad idea, but other than that there isn't much to circle or outline on Justin's body. Nick can't believe he let Justin stay in the room for that.

"I would just be, you know, self conscious," Nick explains. "Embarrassed. Inadequate."

"That's stupid," Justin says. "That's just her job. She's not perfect either. She's never even had any surgery."

"It's still weird."

"Not really," Justin insists. "Have you decided?"

"No," Nick says. "I'm thinking no. I don't know. I might talk to Howie. Or AJ. Someone who's not you."

**

Nick makes fun of it, and he might not admit it if Howie ever came out and asked him, but Nick loves Howie's chest hair. Howie would probably never have to ask. It's pretty obvious even with Nick taking every chance he can to make fun and call Howie a grizzly bear.

Nick kisses Howie's left nipple and then his right and then affectionately pulls a few of the hairs on Howie's chest.

"Ow," Howie says and swats Nick's hand away. Howie's trying to read some kind of report. It's long and boring from what Nick can tell.

"Justin is thinking about getting a butt enhancement," Nick says and turns to rest his cheek on Howie's chest, looking up at the back of the packet of papers Howie's holding.

Howie puts the papers down on Nick's face, then moves them aside so that he can see Nick. "He is not."

"I told him he could have some of my ass," Nick lies and smiles at Howie.

Howie snorts. "No, sorry. He can't. Why are you talking to Justin anyway?"

"He keeps calling me," Nick says. He turns a little and presses his nose to Howie's chest, breathing in. Howie always smells good.

"Really?" Howie asks. "Why?"

"I don't know. He felt guilty after you dumped him and then he just didn't stop."

"So you're like friends?" Howie asks. Nick can't tell from Howie's face if Howie thinks that's strange.

"I called him the other day," Nick says. "Voluntarily. So I guess so."

Howie squints down at Nick. "Weird," he says.

"Yeah," Nick agrees. "He thinks his calves are better than mine."

"His calves are fake," Howie points out. His report is forgotten now and his hand is combing through Nick's hair.

"He says you loved them."

"I love yours more," Howie says.



Everything

"I feel like I'm just sitting here waiting for it to kick in," Nick says. "For him to kick me."

Brian grabs a third piece of pizza from the box and takes a bite, starts chewing and then says, "Howie doesn't have amnesia."

"Amnesia?" Nick repeats.

"He hasn't forgotten what happened," Brian clarifies. "I don't know why you keep acting like he has."

"I know what amnesia is. What else is there?"

Brian shrugs. "I guess he's forgiven you."

"Why?"

Brian pushes the pizza box toward Nick and Nick takes another slice. "I don't know. Maybe you should ask him."

"What if he has forgotten and I ask him and he freaks out and I lose him again?" Nick asks.

"Now you're just being dumb."

"Who's dumb?" Howie asks, choosing that moment to walk into the kitchen. Nick raises his hand and Howie kisses his forehead and steals his pizza. "I like 'em dumb."

"Gee, thanks," Nick mutters.

**

"Why aren't you dressed?" Howie asks when he finds Nick sprawled across Howie's couch in his boxers and a t-shirt.

Nick looks up from the television. Uh Oh. Howie is dressed and he's wearing sparkles. "I'm supposed to be dressed?"

"We're going out. You agreed to come yesterday."

"Yesterday when I was naked and calling out your name and had no idea what I was agreeing too?" Nick asks. Howie's always trying to talk to him during sex. Go out to clubs with me. Get calf implants for me. If Nick wasn't obsessed with him it might be annoying.

Howie frowns. "Yes. That's not what you were saying yes to?" Howie's frown is gone now and is replaced with a smirk. "You sounded really enthusiastic about it."

"Okay," Nick laughs, standing up from the couch. "Let me throw on clothes. I haven't showered though, I'm warning you."

Howie sniffs him as he walks by. "You don't smell any worse than usual."

"And I have a choice of like two outfits here. Jeans and jeans."

"They'll let you in anyway. You have a whole closet. I don't know why you don't put more clothes in it."

Nick shrugs. "I have a whole house for my clothes." Dumb reason, but if Nick moves in with Howie then it's real. If Nick moves in then Howie can kick him out.

Howie shrugs. "Whenever you're ready," he says and Nick's not sure if he's referring to the closet or the club.

**

The club is crowded and Howie is drinking and dancing. Nick dances a little and drinks even less and sits at the bar watching Howie dance with the crowd of girls surrounding him. Tiny Dancer, he thinks, and smirks. He checks his watch and wonders how long it'll be before he can take Howie home and do unspeakable things to him on the living room rug. He's not sure he'll be able to make it upstairs. Not with the way that Howie keeps staring over at him, catching Nick's eye and holding it while he grinds against the nearest girl. Nick takes another gulp of his drink and shifts in his seat.

"Hey," A voice says, close to his ear, and then he feels a kiss on his cheek and he turns. It's Shelby, the girl with the violin tattoo and she's looking at him like they're old lovers. "I was hoping I'd find you again," she says.

"Hi," Nick says and takes a sip of his beer. He glances back toward Howie on the dance floor and Shelby rests a small hand on his shoulder, trying to draw his attention back to her.

"I had fun last time," she says.

"Yeah," Nick says. "Me too." There's no point in lying. He did have fun. He had enough fun that he crashed into Howie's house the next morning to tell him about it. Nick was such an asshole.

Her hand slides down his arm and slips into his. "Let's go somewhere," she says, leaning in toward neck so that her dark hair falls over her shoulder and brushes Nick's cheek. She smells like one of those perfumes that celebrities come out with every fall. It's probably Paris' perfume. She's probably wearing it on purpose.

"I can't," Nick says. "I'm here with someone."

"Howie?" she asks, looking out to the dance floor.

"Yeah."

"He won't mind. You were here with Howie last time." Which, okay, was true. But he wasn't with Howie last time.

"I'm with Howie," he says again and shakes her off.

"Howie is going to leave with one of those other girls," Shelby insists. Nick doesn't remember her being this annoying last time. He looks up, and shit. Howie's headed this way. He's smiling at Nick and when he reaches the spot on the bar where Nick is sitting, Shelby standing close beside him, he takes the beer from Nick's hand and downs it.

"Hi," Howie says, smiling at Shelby.

"Hey," Shelby smiles back and then she turns back to Nick, not interested at all in Howie. Nick decides then and there that Shelby's an idiot.

"Do you want another drink?" Howie asks Nick.

"No thanks."

Howie turns to the bar and orders himself something and Coke and Nick sits uncomfortably between Howie and Shelby. Once Howie has his drink he turns to Nick and Shelby, announces that he's headed back to the dance floor, kisses Nick's cheek, and then he's off. Nick blinks after him.

"Is he drunk?" Shelby asks.

Nick shrugs. "Maybe."

**

"Was that another test?" Nick asks on the drive home.

Howie's hand is on Nick's thigh. Nick's busy watching the road, so he can't see Howie's expression, but he can hear the frown in Howie's voice when he says "Another test? I didn't send that girl over there."

"That was Shelby," Nick says.

"Shelby who?"

"Shelby the last person that I had sex with before you."

"Oh," Howie says. Nick expects his hand to leave Nick's thigh, but Howie's hand stays put. "Oh."

"So did I pass?" Nick asks as he pulls into Howie's driveway.

"There wasn't a test," Howie says. "I don't know. I guess you must have."

"She was really pissed when I told her I wasn't kidding about not leaving with her."

"I would have been too," Howie agrees, his hand moving further up Nick's thigh. If Howie has his way Nick doubts they'll even make it to the living room. Howie leans over and kisses the corner of Nick's mouth.

"What are you doing?" Nick asks, turning off the car.

"Living on the edge," Howie whispers.

"It was just a blowjob," Nick continues, frowning. "I didn't actually - I didn't sleep with her."

Howie sighs and opens the car door. "Nick, come on. I don't know Shelby and I don't care about Shelby. I care about you and me inside and you know, naked."

"Oh," Nick says, out of the car in an instant. "Let's go."

**

"The living room," Nick says, pulling Howie across the hall.

"Upstairs," Howie counters.

"The living room is closer," Nick insists and yanks Howie a little harder.

"Upstairs is more comfortable."

"I want to do it on the floor."

"Oh," Howie says. "Ok." He lets Nick drag him into the living room. Nick's got Howie's shirt off and Howie's pants unbuttoned and his mouth is on Howie's shoulder, tasting, sucking, and that's when Howie decides to say "Wait."

Nick bites Howie's shoulder, just a little and says, "Wait? You're drunk and I'm having my way with you. You don't get to say wait."

"I want to go upstairs."

"You agreed living room."

"The rug," Howie says and starts pulling off Nick's shirt. Nick hurries to help him. "The one at the end of my bed. There."

The rug at the end of Howie's bed is hideous and brown and furry and Nick's about to protest but then he stops and thinks about what Howie will look like naked on that rug.

"Upstairs," Nick agrees, and starts pulling Howie out of the living room.

**

Nick's supposed to be having his way with Howie. Howie's drunk and Nick's not and that should be the way it goes. But Howie is having none of that. "Anything I want," Howie reminds Nick and of course Howie would remember that now, now when all Nick wants to do is bury himself in Howie, lose himself in Howie, now would be the time that Howie gets demanding.

"Okay," Nick says. "Okay." He takes his hands off Howie's hips and pulls away. "What do you want."

"I want you."

Well, that's easy enough and Nick leans back, lowering himself to the ugly ass rug. It's then, when Nick looks up and sees Howie staring down at him, sees the hunger in Howie's eyes, that he realizes what he's in for. He reaches out and runs his fingers through the hairs on Howie's chest and Howie leans in and kisses him, one hand going directly for Nick's neck, Howie's tongue dipping in, tasting, and then disappearing just as quickly, keeping Nick on edge.

"I love you," Howie says. He kisses along Nick's jaw, bites a little, and then says it again right next to Nick's left ear. "I love you."

Howie's hands are all over, sliding across Nick's skin. On his right nipple one moment, his left leg the next. His touch is hot even through the thick denim of Nick's jeans. Too fast and too much and Nick moans and pushes up against Howie, urges Howie on.

"You're still wearing pants," Howie says, suddenly and surprised, and Nick groans and moves Howie's hand to his groin, unzips the fly himself. Howie's mouth is back, tongue licking and thrusting, and Howie's fingers fumble with the button on Nick's jeans and then Howie's hand is there, sliding beneath the edge of Nick's boxers, there and Nick moans into Howie's mouth and moves in Howie's hand and God, he doesn't want this to end. This is never allowed to end.

Howie's saying something again and Nick can't listen, can only move with Howie's hand. "yes," he says. "Yes." He'll worry about what he's agreed to in the morning.

He remembers Howie on the dance floor at the club, the way Howie moved. All those girls around him and Howie only looked at Nick. Howie only cared about Nick. All those girls and Howie was Nick's own private tiny dancer.

"More," Howie says and that Nick does understand. A call to action. Howie only protests a little when Nick sits up on the rug. His hand only loses its place for a second as Nick pulls off his jeans and his boxers. Nick wants Howie against that rug. He wants to see Howie's fingers twisting in it, gripping it. Now he just has to convince Howie that that's what Howie wants too.

"Howie," Nick says, his hand snaking down Howie's back as he kisses along Howie's shoulders. Howie's hand moves then too and Nick frowns against Howie's skin. He presses his own hand against the small of Howie's back, keeps pressing until Howie starts to move, leaning into Nick's touch and letting Nick lower him to the floor. Nick goes down with him, leaning over Howie and licking along his neck and then down his chest, moaning a little with each shiver and quake of Howie's body beneath his. Nick's hips grind against Howie's leg and his lips find Howie's nipple, pause there to torture it for a moment before continuing down, down. Howie's hands crawl up Nick's back and into Nick's hair, guiding him, making sure that Nick knows the way as though Nick could ever possibly forget.

And when he finally reaches his destination he takes his time, holds Howie's hips in place and swirls his tongue around before taking Howie between his lips. Between the alcohol and the dancing it won't take Howie long. It isn't long at all before Howie is trembling beneath him, his hands tangled in Nick's hair, holding him there as though Nick ever had any intention of leaving. Nick's hand slips down and when he presses gently with one finger Howie's body becomes deliciously tense with the anticipation. Howie's grip tightens and Howie says something that Nick can't understand, a warning, maybe. One more sound and Nick is swallowing and reveling in Howie's moans of release, of relief, Howie's body limp below his. Nick licks his lips and looks up at Howie, satisfied. It's time to move on to phase two.

**

"Stop it," Howie says later when they're both sprawled across the ugly brown throw rug.

"Stop what?" Nick asks. His fingers are playing in the hairs at Howie's chest and he stops and says "this?"

"No," Howie touches his wrist. "Keep doing that."

"Stop what?" Nick asks again. His fingers continue their circular motion.

"Stop lying there thinking that I fell for your big plot. I wasn't that drunk. I knew exactly what you were doing."

"Why did you let me then?"

Howie turns to look at him and shrugs. "Did I look like I wasn't enjoying it?"

"You looked like -" Nick smiles. "You looked good."

"Next time we're doing it my way," Howie says, his fingers brushing over the dark fur of the carpet.



The Edge

The meeting was scheduled from 9 am, but by the time they all arrive and get things underway it's closer to eleven.

It's that time again. Time to discuss when to continue. If they should continue. They talk it over and the arguments against it are the same that they were the last time around. Dwindling response from public, Kevin feels old, MTV, blah blah blah. It's the same shit and Nick's not listening much. He's for it. He wants to do it again. He wants to tour with Howie and make love to Howie in every city on the tour and share buses and hotel rooms and do it all without having things explode in a blob of horrible badness at the end. He can do it this time. He's had two tours to practice since it happened. Things are different.

"You're only as old as you feel," Brian says, tossing a wad of paper across the table at Kevin.

"I know," Kevin agrees. "And I feel old. That's my point."

"You feel old because you've been sitting on your butt for months," Brian persists.

"This is pointless," AJ sighs. "We know how it's going to end. Kevin is going to cave because deep down we all know he doesn't ever want it to end. He's just putting up a fight because he thinks he should. And then Howie's going to fret about sales and profit and his hair -"

"Hey," Howie says.

"And Nick's going to demand that he gets this many solos on this many songs."

"No I wasn't," Nick cuts in. "All I want is a hotel room adjoining Howie's."

"Okay," AJ nods. "Then I want all your solos."

"Whatever," Nick snorts. "Idiot."

"And then someone will dramatically say that they're only doing it for the fans, just to make it seem like we had to talk them into it."

Everyone just looks at AJ.

AJ shrugs. "The only reason I'm even bothering to sit in this room with you guys is out of my responsibility to the fans. There, I said it. Oh, and I'm putting off my solo album again. Look how much I sacrifice for you. Okay. And now we'll all agree to start recording in a month or two and we'll go home and lock our doors so that we can use that month or two to have a vacation from Nick barging into our homes every other day."

"Amen," Kevin says, slapping his hands on the table.

"Whatever," Nick says again. "Y'all love me."

"I do," Howie agrees and opens the folder in front of him.

"See," AJ says, pointing to Howie. "And this is the part where Howie pulls out a sheet of paper and starts planning out the schedule and thinking of everybody he needs to start contacting to get things rolling. We're so fucking predictable. It's sad."

Howie closes his folder and puts down his pen. "I quit. Is that better?"

"Ha ha," AJ says and then hands Howie a piece of paper from his own folder. "Okay? That's it right? Business is over."

Brian shrugs and Kevin looks like he might still protest a little, but AJ's right. Kevin always comes around in the end.

"Good," AJ says. "Look how easy that was. I should always be in charge."

"It was pretty painless," Nick agrees.

"Speaking of pain," AJ seques. "When's the big day?"

"What big day?"

"You know, implant day."

Howie looks up from the list he's making. "Implant day?" he repeats and turns to look at Nick.

"I'm not - I decided not to," Nick says. "I didn't tell you?" He's talking to AJ, but he turns to look at Howie.

"You were going to get - what? Calf implants?" Howie asks setting down his pen.

Nick holds up his hands. "You said that you wanted me to!"

Howie shakes his head. "Nick. I was joking. I told you that."

Kevin coughs and Nick ignores him.

"I know you said you were kidding. I know. But then you brought it up again and you're like obsessed with legs, I mean, you really seem to like my legs and Justin said -"

"Oh God," Howie says and turns to the others for help. "You all knew about this?"

Kevin nods and says "It's okay. It's like how Brian likes breast implants."

And that's when Brian looks up, makes a face, and says "What? I never - I don't like breast implants."

"Just like that," Kevin agrees.

"I thought you knew," AJ says, ignoring Brian and Kevin and talking to Howie instead. Then he turns to Nick. "You didn't ask him?'

"It was going to be a surprise," Nick grumbles. "I just wanted to show you -"

"Nick," Howie sighs. "If you ever come home and surprise me with fake legs, I'll kill you."

"Okay," Nick says. He taps the pads of his fingers on the table. "Okay. Good."

**

"I really seem to like your legs?" Howie asks in the parking lot after the mess of a meeting comes to an end.

"You do," Nick says.

"I know," Howie agrees. "You didn't have to announce it in front of everyone, you know."

"I wasn't really thinking," Nick shrugs and presses the button to unlock his car. "And anyway, I'm pretty sure they already knew."

Howie nods. "Kind of like how they already know about your chest hair fetish."

"Shut up and get in the car," Nick says, his face only a little red.

**

"The point is," Howie says when they stop at a red light "I like your legs."

"Okay," Nick nods.

"So stop thinking that I want you to get weird surgery. Any kind of weird surgery."

"Okay," Nick says again. "I just thought -"

"And stop talking to Justin."

"Really?"

"No," Howie amends. "Just don't let him talk you into anything strange. Please."

"Okay," Nick agrees again. They drive the rest of the way home in silence.

**

"Nick," Howie says, strolling out onto the patio from the kitchen. Nick's sprawled in one of the oversized patio chairs playing his Gameboy. "You're not going to believe this."

"What?" Nick asks. Howie hands him a square envelope. "What is it?"

Howie sits on Nick's leg and waits patiently as Nick turns the envelope over, sees that it's addressed to both of them, opens it and pulls out another envelope and two cards.

"No," Nick gasps when he reads the cards. "No."

"How long has it been?" Howie asks, smiling. "A few months, yeah?"

"Holy crap," Nick says, still staring at the cards. "I can't believe it."

"Believe it," Howie says. "Justin's marrying his plastic surgeon."

"Wait till the press hears about this. They're going to start questioning the - what's the word I'm looking for?"

"I don't know," Howie admits. He's playing with the edge of Nick's shorts.

"Authenticity. They're going to start questioning the authenticity of Justin's entire body. I mean, how do you meet a plastic surgeon? You go to one. They'll never guess that it's his calves."

Howie smiles and continues to play with Nick's shorts. Nick watches him for a while and then says "It could have been you."

"What?" Howie asks and then laughs when Nick waves around the invitation. "No, thanks."

"No Mrs. Justin Timberlake in your future?"

Howie scrunches up his nose and Nick pulls Howie down so that he can kiss the end of it. Howie sighs and relaxes against Nick's chest.

"So are we going to go?" Nick asks.

"To the wedding?"

"yeah."

"Do you think it'll actually happen?" Howie asks.

"Unless she gets sick of him," Nick speculates.

"Don't be mean."

"I'm kidding. I like Justin."

"I love you," Howie says, suddenly, and Nick stops thinking about Justin entirely. They sit like that in silence for a few seconds longer, Howie's words hanging in the cool afternoon air and then Howie sits up, kisses Nick quickly on the mouth and disappears back inside the house.

**

Howie starts acting strange the day after Justin's invitation arrives in the mail. Howie stops touching him, not entirely, but definitely less than before. He isn't touching Nick like he wants to touch Nick. It's just normal touching now. And then he starts keeping his distance from Nick all together. Nick holds it together for three days before he starts to panic.

"It's over," Nick says, pacing the living room of his own house and holding the phone to his ear.

"What's over?" Brian asks. Baylee is squealing in the background.

"The amnesia. Howie remembers."

Nick can hear Brian sigh. "Howie never forgot. Could you forget it?"

"No."

"Howie can't either." Nick's not sure if Brian's trying to be reassuring or what, but reminding Nick that there's no way Howie can ever forget what Nick did to him certainly is not helping to calm Nick.

"Okay," Nick concedes. "He didn't forget, but he was ignoring it. He was ignoring it until now. Brian, the other day we got Justin's wedding invitation in the mail and ever since -"

"Justin's getting married? To who?"

"Fran. His plastic surgeon."

"That's quick."

"Yeah," Nick agrees. "And ever since then Howie's been all cold. All business."

"Where are you?" Brian asks. He sounds like he's only half paying attention now. Nick can hear Baylee still babbling in the background and now Leighanne is saying something too and then it all goes muffled like Brian put his hand over the phone.

"Brian?"

"Sorry," Brian says. "Okay. I'm here."

"I'm at home," Nick says.

"Your home?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because I don't want it to end."

"Nick," Brian says in his best firm Kevin voice. "Go back to Howie's."

**

Howie is staring at the closet that contains three of Nick's shirts and one pair of Nick's sneakers when Nick walks in the bedroom and peaks over his shoulder.

"What?" Nick asks, stupidly. His toes squish in the furry rug under his feet.

Howie shrugs. "Where did you go?"

"I went home for a little bit. I just had a few things - why are you staring at my shirts?" Nick asks, resting his chin on Howie's shoulder.

"I'm not staring at the shirts. I'm staring at everything else."

Nick presses his lips to Howie's t-shirt. Yesterday Howie scrunched all up when Nick nuzzled his neck, scrunched up and blocked Nick's access. He doesn't do that now. That's good. That has to be good. "There is nothing else," Nick points out.

"I know," Howie sighs.

Uh oh. Nick steps back and waits for Howie to look at him.

"What is it?" he asks, finally, resting a hand on Howie's arm and turning Howie to face him. Howie looks unhappy. This is it. "Just tell me."

"I was hoping that if I kept ignoring the question, the answer would just make itself clear, that I wouldn't have to ask, you know?"

"Ask what?" Nick says, but inside he's screaming No No No because this is definitely it. This is when Howie tells Nick that he can't do it. He can't forgive Nick for it. He can't let Nick have this.

"Do you want to be with me?" Howie asks.

"I don't know how -" Nick starts and then stops, stares, and says "What?"

"I want this," Howie continues. "I really do. I love you. But I don't want it if you're only here out of guilt."

"Guilt?" Nick repeats.

"I don't want you to think that you have to be with me."

"Have to?" Nick says and then decides that he should stop repeating what Howie's staying and actually say something himself. "I'm here because I want to be. I want to be here."

Howie sighs again and looks at the floor, looks at the fuzzy rug.

"I want to be with you," Nick insists. He reaches out for Howie and Howie lets him, let's Nick pull Howie in, let's Nick hug him and kiss his hair.

"Why?" Howie says against Nick's shoulder.

"Why?" Nick repeats.

"Why do you want to be with me if it's not guilt." Howie pulls out of the hug and sits at the end of the bed, looking up at Nick.

Nick runs a hand through his hair. "Why do you think I'd be here because of guilt? Howie, I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't be with you. That's what my guilt is telling me. You shouldn't want me here."

"I love you," Howie says, simply. "I trust you. Should I not?"

"I don't know," Nick says. "No. No, you should. I've changed. I know that I have. I just. I'll do anything to show you that that's true. I'll do anything. Everything."

"I don't want you to do anything," Howie says. "I just want to know why you're here."

"Why I'm here?" Nick repeats. He doesn't know what Howie's getting at so he goes with the simplest answer, the truest answer. "Because I love you."

Howie closes his eyes, takes a deep breath and Nick thinks here it comes. This is it. This is the end. "God," Howie says finally and Nick braces himself for the worst. "Okay," Howie sighs as though a huge weight has been lifted from his shoulders. "Okay. I love you too."

Nick blinks down at him, suddenly confused. "Wait, what's happening here? Of course I love you."

"You haven't said," Howie says. "I wasn't sure. It's been months and you're usually so quick to say it that I thought - I don't know. That you thought you were doing me a favor."

Nick frowns. He must have said it. He's said it to everyone. He told Brian that he was in love with Howie. He definitely told AJ and Justin. He's pretty sure he told Kevin. "I must have said it. I've told everyone else. I've told Justin. I must have told you."

Howie shakes his head and laughs a little.

"I haven't said it?" Nick says. "Seriously?"

"You haven't," Howie insists.

"Shit," Nick says. "Shit. Howie, I'm sorry. I love you. I'm afraid to love you because I'm afraid of hurting you. I love you anyway."

Howie collapses back onto the bed and laughs. "Thank God," he says.

Nick takes a few steps closer to the bed and looks down at Howie. Howie's smiling up at him and it's contagious, Nick can't help but smile a little too. "So you're not - you know. You didn't finally come to your senses and realize that taking back a first class fuck up is never a good idea?"

Howie shakes his head. "I'm never going to come to my senses."

"Okay," Nick nods and turns around the bedroom, taking everything in. "If I start filling up that closet, you won't suddenly discover that it's real and remember that I don't deserve you? You're sure?"

"I'm never coming to my senses," Howie repeats.

"Okay," Nick says, still nodding. "Okay." He sets his knees on the bed, one on either side of Howie's legs, and Howie reaches out for him, pulling him down to greet him in a kiss.

"Okay," Nick says one more time. "Good."

"Good," Howie agrees and kisses Nick again.

"It looks like I have a lot of catching up to do," Nick says, and Howie laughs as Nick starts saying the words, forming them against Howie's lips. "I love the freckles on the bridge of your nose. I love your crooked bottom teeth. I love your hairy grizzly chest. I love the scrunchy face you make when I kiss you in public. I love the way you smell. I love that you think swimming in a pool in cool weather counts as living life on the edge."

"It was freezing," Howie says. "You couldn't even get it up."

"I know," Nick agrees. "I love that you're vertically challenged. I love that you don't think I need calf implants. I love that you let Justin call you Tiny Dancer" Howie makes a face "and I promise that I will only abuse it on very special occasions. I love your fingers and your toes, especially the big toe on your right foot. I love the big freckle you have at the top of your left butt cheek. I love that this is making you blush. I can go on all night here."

Howie laughs. "Well, we do have all night." Nick groans and Howie laughs a little harder. "I like it here," he says.

"Where?" Nick asks.

Howie's hand slides around Nick's waist, pull Nick in a little closer, and Howie kisses Nick's nose, each of Nick's eyelids. "Here," Howie says. "On the edge."