by Zoicite
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Nick didn’t mess around with anyone over thirty. Kevin knew, because Nick had told him once, whispered it against Kevin’s neck as Kevin traced a hand down Nick’s spine. Nick never fooled around with anyone over thirty, and he never fell in love. Kevin didn’t really think much of it at the time, mostly because he wasn’t turning thirty for a few years, but also because he knew that Nick loved them. He wasn’t sure that Nick was in love with them - with him - but he knew for a fact that Nick had been in love with Brian. Nick had never said so, but Kevin knew. Nick was usually full of shit anyway. AJ brought it up first, flopping beside Kevin on the couch in their dressing room and leaning in toward him. Kevin let him settle, moving his arm to the back of the couch, out of the way so that AJ could be more comfortable. “What are we gonna do for Kev’s birthday?” AJ asked, taking a bite of the donut he was holding. Kevin frowned as the crumbs fell on his shirt. “Oh yeah!” Brian perked up, “The big 3-0!” Nick was getting dressed near the mirrors, naked from the waist up and holding a button down shirt out in front of him. Howie was pressed against his back, his fingers skating softly over the tattoos on Nick’s upper arm, his lips brushing his shoulder. Kevin guessed that he was probably kissing the music note. Howie had a fascination with tattoos that Kevin supposed came from the fact that Howie didn’t have any of his own. “Kevin’s gonna be an old man,” Nick said, moving away from Howie to slip the shirt on. Kevin watched the expanse of Nick’s back. Kevin had never dreaded getting older. He liked it: the maturity, the knowledge, the experience. By now he was used to the wisecracks, both from the guys and from outsiders who found it amusing that Kevin, in his late twenties, was in a boy band. Kevin just smiled and gave some rehearsed response about the music and less dancing. What he really wanted to say was “We’re a vocal harmony group, you fuckers.” Now he had a month. A month before he turned thirty. Kevin had never dreaded getting older. Until now. It began with Kevin, so Kevin figured that it was probably right that it ended first with him as well. It made sense, it fit in the grand scheme, but that didn’t mean that Kevin had to like it. It started in a hotel. Kevin couldn’t remember where. Howie probably knew, but Kevin would never ask him. He’d heard enough about memory failing with old age. They were lounging around in Kevin’s room, having recently arrived back from doing some promo thing for Millennium. The album was set to hit stores in a few weeks, and they were bouncing all over the country trying to get the word out. Kevin was reading over the itinerary for the next few days, skimming it mostly. Brian and Nick were lying on the end of the bed, talking and laughing, much to the annoyance of AJ and Howie, who were trying to watch some movie. Kevin wasn’t really listening, only catching snippets of conversations now and then. He would have kicked them out, told them to fool around in AJ’s room, but even if he wasn’t participating, their voices, laughing and bickering, had become a comfortable soundtrack to Kevin’s life. Kevin set the itinerary down. The next few days were packed, full of promo. That was all Kevin really needed to know, the specifics weren’t important at this stage. “You know,” Brian was saying, poking Nick’s shoulder, “that thing.” “Will you guys shut up?” AJ tried to swat Brian from his place on the floor, but only managed to hit the bedspread. “I don’t do anything,” Nick protested, and Kevin didn’t even need to see Nick’s face to know that Nick was frowning and chewing on his lip. “You do,” Howie said, looking away from the TV, “You know you do it.” “I do not,” Nick whined, rolling his eyes and flopping a little on the bed. Kevin stretched his leg across Nick’s back to still him. “Does what?” Kevin asked. He had missed the beginning of the conversation, and he knew that whatever they were saying about Nick was probably true, but his interest was peaked. “He does that thing,” Brian said, “With his face, while he’s singing.” Brian tried to demonstrate but ended up looking like some demented fish with a very pronounced jaw. Kevin knew what Brian was saying, even with the horrible impression. Nick was an extremely animated person. He loved to sing, and it showed. “He seduces,” Howie finished, nodding. It was exactly what Kevin had been thinking, but had not really wanted to say. “Fuck yeah,” AJ growled, and the tone, and the quickness of the response pulled something in Kevin. Because what Howie said was true, and Nick probably didn’t know that he did it, but AJ - his head still turned toward the TV, dark curls sticking out from beneath a baseball cap - AJ spoke from experience. “AJ?” Kevin asked, trying to make it a bit authoritative, because if anyone was messing with Nick, Kevin was pretty sure he had the right to know. Nick was seventeen and Kevin still felt primarily responsible for what happened to him. Nick was old enough to take care of himself. He didn’t need or really even want Kevin watching out for him, but some habits were hard to break. Kevin told himself he’d back off when Nick was eighteen, let him have more space. But Nick was nineteen, and Kevin still thought he was seventeen, and he worried that Nick may always be seventeen in his head. He worried more that Nick might not need him at all. “Hmm?” AJ twisted around to look at Kevin, frowning at the look on Kevin’s face and poking his leg, still stretched across Nick’s back. “Anything you want to say?” Kevin had his eyebrows raised, his itinerary dropped on the bed beside him, forgotten. Brian made a sound, low in his throat, indicating that AJ was in trouble. AJ’s eyes narrowed, but he said, “No. I don’t think so, Kev,” and shrugged. Nick was looking at Kevin too, his eyes wide, and his mouth open a little. Kevin let it drop. AJ had nothing to say, and AJ was a horrible liar. “What was up with you earlier?” Nick had asked later, knocking on Kevin’s door as Kevin was brushing his teeth. Kevin waved Nick in, ducking into the bathroom to spit and rinse. When he returned, Nick was sitting on the bed and frowning up at him. “What?” Kevin asked, even though he remembered the question. He wanted to hear Nick repeat it anyway, because he wasn’t sure how he should answer yet. Buying time and stuff. “You kinda freaked on AJ,” Nick said, curling his legs beneath him and pulling on one of the toes of his left foot. He’d walked over barefoot, naked feet padding right across the dirty carpet of the hotel’s hallway. “I didn’t freak,” Kevin said. He sat beside Nick on the bed. Nick wore sweatpants and a T-shirt that Kevin guessed was probably Brian’s. “Did too,” Nick grinned. He pushed at Kevin a little and Kevin tried to hide his smile. “I’m not, you know.” “I know,” Kevin said. He didn’t want Nick to think that he had to explain himself to Kevin. Nick nodded, shifting closer to Kevin on the bed, his hand finding its way onto Kevin’s bare knee and squeezing a bit. Kevin tried to speak, turned to ask Nick what was up, if he was okay, but he didn’t get very far. Nick was right there when Kevin turned, his eyes heavy and his lips parted. Kevin kissed him. “I have to have rules for myself,” Nick had said, and Kevin had nodded, kissing up Nick’s spine. “Everyone should have rules for themselves.” “What are your rules?” Nick shifted beneath Kevin, turning into him and kissing the corner of Kevin’s mouth. “I don’t fall in love,” Nick began, and Kevin smiled a little, because that was complete bullshit. “I don’t fall in love,” Nick said, “and I don’t mess around with anyone over thirty.” It had been a year. Nick was in love with Brian. He was sleeping with AJ and Howie too, of course, but mostly with Kevin, and he was in love with Brian. “Good thing I’m not thirty.” Kevin had said, lips moving against Nick’s warm skin. “Good thing.” Three weeks. Kevin planned to make the most of it. “Kev!” Nick laughed when Kevin pulled him into the room, growling. Kevin shut the door in Howie’s face and pushed Nick toward the bed, shedding his own shirt as he went. Nick was still laughing a little as Kevin moved down his chest, teasing a nipple with his tongue, biting a bit. He pushed Nick onto the bed and laid his cheek against Nick’s soft stomach, feeling it rise and fall a little with each quick breath Nick took. Nick didn’t like his body much. It wasn’t a big secret. It pissed Kevin off to no end that a few reporters and a couple of fans had affected Nick so much. Nick missed the pretty boy he had been. Kevin loved the man. Nick tried not to let it get to him, and sometimes he was pretty good at hiding it, but Kevin could usually tell what Nick was thinking, feeling, and he knew that it was there. Sometimes Kevin wondered if what they were doing was helping Nick. “Oh,” Nick was panting, his hands tangled in Kevin’s hair, as Kevin slowly licked up the underside of Nick’s cock, his tongue swirling around the head. Kevin figured he would have plenty of time to think about the implications of their relationship in three weeks. “You’re monopolizing Nick,” Brian said, popping a few potato chips into his mouth. “I know,” Kevin replied at the same time that AJ said, “Oh, pullin’ out the big words.” He stretched out in a chair, his long legs sprawled out in front of him. “Where is he, anyway?” Howie asked, sitting across from Kevin at the table. He had a cup of coffee in one hand and was flipping through the paper with the other. He didn’t look at Kevin as he spoke. “He’s asleep.” AJ was standing behind Kevin now, rubbing his shoulders a little. Kevin sighed and relaxed beneath AJ’s hands. AJ had incredibly talented hands. “We have rehearsal,” Brian started, frowning at Kevin, “Don’t you think –“ “Let him sleep,” Kevin said, eyes closed, “he needs it.” AJ chuckled behind Kevin and Howie rolled his eyes and went back to reading his paper. It had started out slow. The first kisses were innocent, and accompanied by equally innocent snuggling. Kevin figured that it was just something that they both needed, and eventually it would end. He was surprised when Nick started trying to take it further. A stray hand slipping beneath Kevin’s shirt, rubbing across his stomach. Nick’s body pressed tight against his own, legs tangled, moving with a slow intoxicating rhythm as they kissed on Nick’s bed. Lewd kisses. Wet. Anything but innocent. It didn’t take Kevin long to become addicted. He called it addiction in the beginning, though he knew that it was love. Nick was nineteen. Kevin was twenty-eight. It was rather impossible for that fact to escape Kevin’s attention. It felt wrong, and dirty, and so good. It fit every meaning of the word addiction. Nick’s body, tall and full, his hands, his mouth. Kevin was addicted to it all. Kevin had initiated the first kiss. He’d initiated many others afterward, but he did try to ward off Nick’s further advances. He had tried, a little. Probably more than the others, anyway. In the end they were all unsuccessful. Now Nick writhed against the sheets as Kevin’s fingers moved inside him, thrusting and rubbing. Kevin watched Nick’s face, eyes closed and cheeks pink. Kevin had never seen anything quite like it. He wished that he could make Nick see what he was seeing. AJ fell second. “Hey, Nick. What –“ AJ had said, sauntering through the door connecting his room to Nick’s. “Shit,” Nick cursed, pulling the blanket up over him. Kevin didn’t say anything, just watched AJ, who had his back turned and was muttering “Fuck, fuck.” “AJ,” Nick said repeatedly, but it seemed that all AJ could do was wave his arms around and curse. “AJ, hey. Stop.” Nick tried again, but AJ threw his arms up in the air and went back into his own room. Nick turned to Kevin frowning and when Kevin nodded, Nick climbed out of bed, threw on some boxers and knocked on the adjoining door. Kevin watched him go. Kevin spent most of the first week, the beginning of the end, with his fingers buried deep within Nick. Nick loved to be finger-fucked. Absolutely loved it. And Kevin loved to watch Nick. Nick whimpered when Kevin twisted his fingers just right, moaned when the twist was accompanied by a thrust. He writhed and arched off the bed. His hands didn’t have anywhere to go, so they moved all over, gripping the sheets, gripping Kevin, attempting to grip himself. Kevin wouldn’t allow that, but Nick tried. Kevin liked to see it happen without Nick’s aid. Liked to see Nick worked up to the point of cursing and spitting at Kevin to just let him finish already! He liked to see Nick clawing at the bed, his eyes squeezed shut and mouth open, breathing hard. One brush of Kevin’s hand. That’s all it took when Nick got like that. The faintest touch of Kevin’s hand, accompanied by the thrusting, plunging fingers, and Nick exploded, crying out. It was the most beautiful sound Kevin had ever heard Nick make. Howie fell hardest. Kevin hadn’t been there when it had happened with Howie. Not like he had with AJ. And Nick didn’t tell him about it, didn’t run to Kevin announcing that he’d had sex with Howie. Kevin would never have expected him to. Kevin was left to his own devices to determine what was going on. It wasn’t too hard. Especially when Howie started blushing every time Nick spoke to him. “Howie,” Nick said, “Howie, hand me that,” Nick snapped his fingers, rolled his eyes and searched for the missing word, “that thing.” And Howie immediately blushed bright crimson and handed Nick the television remote. Nick swatted Howie’s hand and said, “no, not that.” Howie dropped the remote and tried Kevin’s cell phone. “Thanks,” Nick said, punching in some numbers, and Howie blushed again. After that Howie started making excuses to be with Nick. Not that he needed to make many, they were together all the time anyway. Kevin thought that it was funny, and laughed when AJ started ragging on Howie. And when Nick finally did come to Kevin it was exclaiming that “Howie’s driving me nuts!” in his most exasperated tone. “Yeah,” Kevin said, pulling Nick toward him. Nick came willingly and curled into Kevin, his lips against Kevin’s neck. “You knew that would happen.” “Yeah,” Nick said, and Kevin could feel the smile against his skin. It somehow became even hotter when Kevin was good and annoyed. Nick knew it. Knew it well enough that he spent an entire day of rehearsal getting on Kevin’s nerves. He ate half of Kevin’s lunch even though he had the exact same food on his own plate, and turned on music that he knew Kevin hated just to have Brian turn it off five minutes later. Kevin wasn’t going to do it. He didn’t want to fight with Nick. Not when he only had a little over two weeks left. But Brian did, and Nick threatened to cut him off for it. Brian just smiled and kissed Nick sweetly on the cheek. Nick spent the afternoon dumping water from his water bottle on Howie and Brian and purposely stepping on Kevin’s heels. And when Kevin asked to speak to him out in the hall, barely containing the annoyance in his voice, and instead pushed him into an empty dressing room, Nick actually said, “What the hell has gotten into you?” like he was surprised. Kevin was pushing and pulling Nick in and out of a lot of rooms lately. “Shut up,” Kevin said, kissing Nick hard. Nick immediately began pulling at Kevin’s clothes, scratching at Kevin’s skin, moaning into Kevin’s mouth, just like Kevin knew he would. The thing was, Nick told Kevin that he was just messing around, liked getting off with his friends. But then, Nick didn’t get off with anyone else. He’d had girlfriends. They sort of came and went, but Nick hadn’t even slept with the most recent one. Mostly they had just dated off and on, but Nick had spent his nights with them. “I love him,” Howie told Kevin once. Brian was there too, which had made the confession a bit surprising. Howie liked to do things one person at a time. Brian nodded and moved closer to Howie, rubbing his shoulders and kissing his cheek. “We all do,” Kevin said. He wondered if Howie had told Nick, something that Kevin had been afraid to do. He wondered what Nick said. It was really something of a mess they’d all gotten themselves into. Kevin hadn’t planned to sleep with any of the guys other than Nick. Well, technically, he hadn’t exactly planned it with Nick either. But when AJ walked into his hotel room in Minnesota, not saying a word, just climbing onto the bed, onto Kevin, and kissing him hungrily, Kevin was pretty sure AJ didn’t care at all about his plans. Kevin was admittedly a top. He didn’t think that it was really a conscious thing. It just sort of happened that way. It worked. Kevin liked to be in control. But sometimes it was tempting to let someone else take the lead. Small, sexy, lithe, sexy AJ. Climbing onto his bed and licking into his mouth. Wasted no time. AJ had Kevin’s pants off faster than anyone else ever had, faster than Kevin could say, “fuck me”. Kevin didn’t say it. Instead he gave AJ a mind-shattering blowjob and fucked him hard over the side of the bed. Later, they both stared at the ceiling, breathing heavily and trying to recover some composure. “Damn,” AJ said, his first coherent word since he stalked into the room. He rubbed a hand absently over Kevin’s stomach, “Damn.” Kevin suspected that AJ decided he was bisexual because it seemed like the trendy thing to do. He suspected that AJ felt the need to ‘conquer’ them all because he didn’t want to be outdone by Nick. Kevin suspected that even if he’d known that fact before AJ tried to seduce him, he still would have fallen for it. Brian fell last, because Nick had been saving him. He came to Kevin when he found out. “What the hell is going on?” Brian demanded, and as soon as the words left his mouth Kevin could tell he was pissed. Even without employing words like ‘hell’, Brian’s face was red and pinched. Pissed. Kevin shrugged and sipped his coffee and refused to let Brian get him worked up. “Nick and Howie?” Brian asked, incredulous. Oh. Kevin had thought it was going to be about him. “the hell?” Brian said again, realizing that Kevin wasn’t talking. He turned on his heel and stalked out of the room, slamming the door on his way. Kevin made a note to warn Nick and resumed his morning coffee ritual. It was hard for Kevin to imagine life without the Backstreet Boys. It had shaped him, molded him, and he was proud of who he had become. He was proud of who Brian had become, and Nick, and Howie, and AJ. AJ especially. Recently there had been times that Kevin felt so proud of AJ that he thought he might burst with it. Nick had been annoyed when AJ had gotten a new girlfriend. She wasn’t around often, but AJ was nothing if not monogamous. He even gave up on his quest to match Nick, though Kevin thought it was probably more because AJ was too disturbed at the idea of sleeping with Howie, who really was like a brother/mother to AJ, as well as a best friend. “I haven’t seen him in days,” Nick whined, flipping through a magazine in Kevin’s room. AJ’s dogs were visiting for the week. His girlfriend too, but mostly his dogs. “I know, Nick. He’s busy and he’s happy. Leave it alone.” Nick pouted and Kevin kissed his mouth lovingly. “Go play with Howie,” Kevin suggested, and Nick did. The individual buses had been a bad idea. Brian had wanted them and Howie had been quick to agree. Kevin thought it was a good idea as well. They could afford them, so why not? At first it was great, having so much space to himself when they traveled. Kevin was used to the other guys practically living on top of him. AJ was bored with it by the third night. And a week into the tour Brian purchased little hand held radios for them all, so that they could radio back and forth instead of using phones. It was fun, but still not quite the same. “ – And then I’ll lick around –“ “Shut up,” That was Howie, “I’m trying to sleep.” “Just turn off your radio, moron,” Kevin said, getting very tempted to turn his off as well. “I can’t. Not with Nicky –“ “Yeah,” Kevin said. It was the exact reason his was still tuned in. “Both of you,” AJ’s voice now, frustrated, breathy, “both of you shut the fuck up so he can finish.” “These buses were the worst idea,” Brian mused in a sing-song voice. It wasn’t until the contests had begun between Nick and AJ, contests to determine who could get the rest of them more worked up, that Brian finally asked. AJ generally considered himself the winner in these events, mostly because Nick always ended up cracking up or adding in too many “ya know”’s and killing the mood. It was hard to get off to a kid over a hand held radio, shaking with high-pitched laughter and saying “ya know, like, that spot behind your balls,” and then not continuing for several minutes because he couldn’t contain the eruption of giggles that followed. It was during Nick’s laughing fit that Brian hesitantly asked, “So, these radios, anyone can pick up the channels, right?” They were all pretty quiet after that. “Brian attacked me last night,” Nick said, grinning around the Tootsie pop he was sucking on. “What?” Kevin had asked, immediately concerned. Just the day before Brian had been in his room freaking about Howie and Nick. “Yeah,” Nick said, “Like he yelled at me, and I didn’t really get it, he was saying all this shit about being best friends and Frick and Frack and it sounded like I’d really pissed him off. And then he shoved me against the wall and practically devoured me.” Nick made a slurping sound and then bit the sucker, chewing thoughtfully. “Wow,” Kevin said, relieved that it was that kind of attack. “God, yeah,” Nick agreed, softer now, breathy, “It was so hot.” Kevin had only tried to end it once. It was after the Millenium tour. Before they really started recording even. He’d thought it would be easiest that way because he wouldn’t have to see Nick quite so often. No temptation. He saw Nick all the time anyway. “Do you think I’m a slut?” Nick asked one afternoon in Kevin’s kitchen, the sun bright on his face. “Of course not, Nick,” Kevin creased his forehead and turned to Nick in concern. “Stop it,” Nick said, “Your eyebrows connect when you make that face. You look like that Cro-Whatever Man. That old French guy.” Kevin smiled a little, but still managed to look concerned. “Magnon. Why would you think that I’d think that?” “Well, I am, aren’t I?” Nick poked at a spot on the marble countertop. “I’m letting four guys fuck me. Three, anyway.” “Nick,” Kevin started, not sure how he wanted to phrase it. He settled with “It’s a Backstreet thing, ya know? It’s just us. That doesn’t make you a slut.” “Then why’d we stop?” Nick asked, “You quitting the group?” “No.” Kevin didn’t know what else to say to that. Kevin didn’t see Nick for nearly a month after Brian fell. He spent a lot of time with his hand, and the rest of the time listening to Howie mourn. Kevin broke down after the fourteenth day. “You knew this would happen eventually,” he said, crossing his arms over his chest. “I was rooting for Brian not swinging that way,” Howie replied. “Yeah,” Kevin said, staring absently at the television, “It’s Nick we’re talking about here.” “Right,” Howie said, “Do you think - ?” “He’ll be back,” Kevin answered firmly. Nick would be back. He was just taking his time basking in the glow that was Brian. The glow had to dull a little eventually. “He loves Brian,” Howie chewed on a fingernail absently. “Nick loves all of us.” “Kevin, I want to come over there,” Nick’s voice crackled over the radio late in the evening, “I want you.” “Okay,” came Kevin’s reply. They mostly used the radios now for G-rated things, and usually only when someone wanted to switch buses. Kevin was admittedly still amused at the idea of horny truckers tuning in to some of their late night bus exchanges, but that didn’t mean he wanted to let it happen again. “Okay?” Nick had expected Kevin to just tell him to wait until the hotel, Kevin knew. He didn’t like to have to stop the whole entourage, just so a few people could switch things up. “Okay,” Kevin repeated, walking toward the front to speak with his driver, Bill. Nine days. He wanted Nick there too. He left the radio on the small kitchen table, but still heard Brian chime in with, “These buses were the worst idea.” Kevin wanted to take Nick out. Dinner, flowers, champagne, the whole works. It felt like something he should do after so long. It was something that Kevin had always liked to do. He knew that Nick would laugh at him if he tried, so he didn’t. He didn’t want anything to come between them, and so he settled for a marked increase in marathon sex. “You hungry?” Nick asked, pausing the Playstation and turning a little to look at Kevin. “Yeah,” Kevin said, dropping his controller on the ground. The show had ended an hour ago. They’d showered and had just mostly been lounging in Nick’s room since. Kevin wasn’t sure where the others were, a club maybe, though Kevin couldn’t imagine wanting to dance any more tonight. His knee was killing him. “You want to go out?” Maybe he could weasel Nick into a “date” after all. “It’s like,” Nick glanced at the clock, “one in the morning.” “Room service?” Nick nodded and got up off the floor to look through the menu. They made out a little while they waited, Nick kneeling over Kevin on the floor. “You need a hand?” Nick asked when the food arrived. His lips were full and red. “Um, yeah,” Kevin said, grabbing onto Nick’s forearm and propelling himself off the ground. He only winced a little. “You shouldn’t sit on it like that if it hurts, you arthritic old geezer,” Nick said, biting into the burger he’d ordered. “It’s not supposed to hurt,” Kevin grumbled, poking at his food, “That’s what the fucking surgery was for.” Nick finished eating quickly and sat back with a satisfied sigh, a hand resting on his stomach and his legs sprawled out in front of him. Kevin was pretty sure it wasn’t meant to be such an inviting pose. “So you want to go out sometime?” He ventured, trying to be nonchalant by drawling it a little. “Um,” Nick was looking at him funny now, “Ok?” Nick already thought it was a weird thing to ask, so Kevin did the first thing he thought of. He straddled Nick, still sprawled in his chair, and traced kisses along his jaw until Nick pushed him backwards onto the bed. Kevin guessed marathon sex would have to do. “Promise me you won’t hurt Howie,” Kevin had said when Nick finally did return to them from his honeymoon in Brian’s suite. “I wouldn’t,” Nick said, shaking his head emphatically. “Not on purpose,” Kevin amended, “But it would be so easy to do it accidentally.” He ran a hand through Nick’s hair, scratching a little, and Nick leaned into his touch like an eager puppy. “I’ll be careful, Kev,” Nick had said, “I promise.” Howie still had a few years. Sometimes it involved biting and bruised skin. Nick whimpered and writhed about when Kevin worshipped those tiny bruises, small kisses and wet licks and soft touches. Sometimes Kevin thought that that was all it was. Worship. Kevin thought that he could spend the rest of his life tasting the inside of Nick’s thighs and be absolutely perfectly content. He tried to explain it to Nick once, when they were both glowing with a sheen of sex and sweat, happily sated and breathing hard. He told Nick and Nick turned to look at Kevin, frowned, and said, “Kev, my thighs are huge and fat.” It was like a stab in Kevin’s chest when Nick would mention it, especially because it was always nonchalant, in passing, a joke. Nick would get in moods and he wouldn’t let Kevin touch him. Not in certain places. Kevin ran a hand over Nick’s stomach, his sides, and Nick pulled away, actually flinched a little and said, “Don’t. You don’t need to pretend.” Kevin didn’t know what to say to that. He protested, he showed Nick, he tried. But he wasn’t allowed to say the ‘I love you’s, not say them and mean them the way he did. He told AJ and Howie his theory regarding life and Nick’s thighs. Howie nodded and said “Hell, yeah!” AJ lit a cigarette and muttered an appreciative “Damn,” which Kevin knew was an answer of complete and absolute agreement. Kevin didn’t like to admit how often he cried for Nick. Kevin hadn’t thought he’d be much for sharing. He’d thought it would hurt when Nick went to AJ that night. It did, but only for a second. It made Kevin wonder what kind of fucked up dynamic they really had. Kevin didn’t mind because it was AJ. He didn’t mind when it was Howie or Brian. He minded when Nick found a girlfriend, but knew it wouldn’t last long. She wanted to date Nick Carter. They wanted Nick. He was mostly okay with it when Nick would show up in his room, kiss him frantically, murmuring something about Howie and dashing back out with a wave. Kevin didn’t need sex every night. He didn’t even need sex most nights. He would have liked Nick there though. Nick liked to sleep wrapped around someone. In the early years when they had to share rooms, sometimes beds, Nick tried to keep his hands to himself and ended up sleeping with his arms wrapped tightly around his own chest, his mouth open against his pillow. It really didn’t look all that comfortable. Kevin still remembered the night that Brian was sharing a bed with Nick in Germany. They only had one hotel room that night. Two double beds and a cot. Fucking Lou, Kevin thought looking back. He wouldn’t give it up though, wouldn’t change it for anything. “Nick, quit moving,” Brian had grumbled sleepily, and from the next bed where Kevin was trying to ignore Howie snoring in his ear, it sounded like Brian was kicking Nick too. “Ow,” Nick muttered and Kevin guessed that he was right. “You sleep like you’re in an invisible straight jacket,” Brian said at the same time that AJ said “Shut the fuck up. This cot is uncomfortable enough without having to listen to you two.” They were quiet after that. Kevin listened to Howie snore and the sounds of cars passing on the busy streets below. A couple was fighting, shouting angry words that Kevin couldn’t understand and the floor creaked in the room above them, someone getting up to use the bathroom maybe. “I can’t sleep,” Nick whispered, finally. Kevin wasn’t sure how much time had passed. Probably not enough time for any of them to fall asleep, except maybe Howie. “Nick,” Brian sighed, “Just try.” “What do you think I’m doing?” “We have to be up early in the morning. We have that interview.” “I know, Bri,” Nick’s whisper was threatening to become a full-fledged whine, “Can’t you shut Howie up, Kev?” Kevin poked a little, pushed Howie’s shoulder to roll him over. There was a stunted pause in the snoring, but then it fell back into the same rhythm. “Nick, just. Here.” Kevin heard shuffling and Brian mumbling something like, “Just put your arm here.” “Brian –“ Nick started. “Nick.” Brian returned in the same tone. It was quiet after that, and Kevin figured that whatever Brian had done must have worked. He woke up the next morning to find the two wrapped around one another in the center of the bed, Nick’s head against Brian’s chest, his arms around Brian’s waist. AJ laughed at them and poked them awake, jumping at the edge of their bed. Nick looked embarrassed, but he got over it quickly and he didn’t hesitate to latch on to any of them after that. He didn’t even ask, just wrapped around them like he belonged there. Kevin couldn’t be jealous of that, even if he wanted to. Kevin lasted three months without Nick. He lasted three months of watching the others have Nick and being left out. He saw how much they loved him, how different they all were. He saw where he fit into the scheme and he still chose to stay out of it. “You here alone?” Nick said after Kevin let him inside. They were recording for two weeks before flying to Sweden and Nick had made it a habit to drop by Kevin’s Orlando home every afternoon. “Yeah,” Kevin shrugged and Nick smiled, walking out onto the patio. The light caught in his hair, short and spiked out every which way, and Kevin cursed his body for reacting to it. “Nick,” he said, and Nick turned to smile at him, the sun playing off his face now, “You want a drink?” Nick nodded and Kevin busied himself pouring iced tea. He was adding slices of lemon when he felt Nick come up behind him. “Kevin,” he said, low against Kevin’s ear. Kevin jumped and knocked one of the glasses with his hand. Tea sloshed over the side, but the glass remained upright. Nick’s laughter echoed the ice tinkling against the confines of the glass, “Your hair’s getting long,” he said, plucking at the hairs at the back of Kevin’s neck. “I’m growing it out. That’s the point.” “I like it. It’s hot.” Kevin felt Nick’s lips on the back of his neck, Nick’s hands in his hair. “Nick.” It came out as more of a whisper than the warning he’d intended. He turned and Nick was right there, his big blue eyes pleading, and Kevin could never say no. He couldn’t believe he’d lasted three months, and he knew he’d only lasted because Nick had let him. Nick’s cheek was soft beneath his palm, the faintest hint of stubble. “I want –“ Nick started and Kevin kissed him. He backed Nick up against the island, knocking over a stool, and then his hands were beneath Nick’s shirt, on Nick’s back, and Nick was saying, “I can stop it. If that’s what you want, I can. I don’t need all – just – Oh.” And Kevin couldn’t imagine ever wanting to stop again and so he said, “No, don’t. Never,” and moved to unbutton Nick’s pants. “You don’t really think that,” Brian said, frowning at Kevin. Kevin just shrugged. “Kev, that’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. It sounds like something Howie would believe.” “He’s said it himself, Brian, more than once,” Kevin replied, pulling a little at his jeans where they stretched over his knee. “Nick’s full of shit. You know that. You’re just looking for something else to worry about.” “Not about important things –“ Nick walked into the room before Kevin could finish the thought. “Hey,” he said, kissing Kevin on the lips, “Howie’s telling me all sorts of secrets about tomorrow. I’m not allowed to tell you. Don’t ask.” He grinned and sat next to Kevin on the couch. Kevin turned thirty in less than twenty four hours. It was over. Brian got up, said something about going bowling with AJ, and Nick motioned him over. He pulled Brian into a kiss, licking into Brian’s mouth. Kevin watched. They never did this in front of each other. Once in awhile when they forgot, and they talked about it, but Kevin could count the times he’d seen Nick kiss the others on his fingers. It was the first time Kevin had ever felt jealous watching. Kevin kept watching, ignored the feeling in his stomach. It was just something he’d have to get used to, like hearing *Nsync on the radio. Soon it would be so familiar he wouldn’t even notice it anymore. “Kevin,” Nick said, and when Kevin blinked Brian was gone and Nick was staring at him and waving a hand in front of his face. “Geez. Where the hell were you?” “Nowhere,” Kevin said, “I’m here.” “So, what do you want to do? Playstation?” “Let’s just sleep,” Kevin said, getting up from the couch. He’d decided to end it today, rather than tomorrow. It was his last evening with Nick and Kevin could think of nothing he’d rather do then spend it curled up around him. He moved over toward the bed, sliding out of his pants and tossing his shirt to the ground. Nick watched for a second before smiling and doing the same. “You really want to sleep?” He asked. He tried to wink a little, but he was never very good at it. None of them had ever quite mastered Howie’s talent. Nick sort of just ended up with a lopsided blink. Kevin nodded and slipped beneath the covers, holding them open for Nick to get in. “Yeah,” Nick said, sliding in and moving up against Kevin, “You should probably rest for tomorrow. Big day.” “Yeah,” Kevin agreed and sighed as he felt Nick’s arms slip around his waist. Nick’s breath fanned across Kevin’s neck, warm, moist, and comforting. Kevin didn’t think twenty minutes had gone by before he felt it even out. Nick was so warm and he seemed to fit with Kevin perfectly. Kevin guessed they probably looked good. His darkness contrasted and complimented the golds that were Nick. He already knew that Nick looked amazing with the others. He stayed awake for several hours, feeling, remembering. He didn’t move except to rub a hand over Nick’s shoulders once in a while, through Nick’s hair. When Nick started to snore softly, Kevin smiled and finally gave in to sleep. It was over. “What are you doing here?” Kevin asked when he got back to his room late. The last party stragglers had just left and between softball in the afternoon, and the party Howie threw him that lasted all evening, Kevin was exhausted, and just a little drunk. Nick just shrugged from his spot sprawled on the bed and continued to flip channels on the television. “Nick, I’m kind of –“ Kevin started, but stopped because he didn’t really want to ask Nick to leave. “I know, but I’ve been planning this for a while, so,” Nick shrugged again, “too bad.” Kevin flung himself on the bed beside Nick, sniffing a little at Nick’s neck. He must have come upstairs early and showered. He smelled like soap, Dial. Kevin smelled like cigarette smoke and alcohol. “Mmm,” Kevin murmured, “what have you been planning?” Kevin’s interest was peaked. Nick wasn’t a planner. He was a spur of the moment, act before you think kind of guy. Kevin loved that about him. “Nothing.” Kevin licked at Nick’s neck a little, across the line of his back. “One more time?” He asked, low in his throat. “What?” Nick asked, trying to turn, but Kevin held him down, nuzzling the hair at the back of Nick’s neck and slipping a hand down Nick’s pants, one finger teasing into the start of the enticing crevice. “Oh,” Nick said, a hint of a moan in his voice. “oh, yeah, okay.” Kevin flipped Nick over onto his back, capturing his lips and kissing them slowly. He could feel Nick’s smile against his mouth, and he swiped his tongue across those teeth, unable to smile back. Nick moaned, gripping Kevin’s T-shirt in both hands and Kevin licked into Nick’s mouth then, tasting sweetness, candy, Nick. Nick pulled the shirt off, over Kevin’s head. It got caught on Kevin’s arms and there was a moment of awkward laughter before Kevin was naked from the waist up. Nick and laughter went hand in hand in Kevin’s world. Nick was muttering things under his breath, things that Kevin couldn’t really hear, but they sounded a lot like the word “you,” repeated over and over again. Kevin wanted to believe that that was what Nick said, so he told himself it was and he whimpered Nick’s name and let him in. Kevin didn’t expect to find himself still wrapped around Nick the next morning. It was over, Nick shouldn’t be there, naked and snoring in Kevin’s bed. Nick had given him his last gift, a parting gift, and Kevin had honestly thought that Nick would have left when it was over, kissed Kevin’s cheek and padded out of the room, his feet bare. But instead he’d murmured something about closing his eyes, just for a minute, and Kevin had done the same. “Nick,” Kevin said quietly, shaking Nick’s shoulder just a little, “Nick, wake up.” “Mmm,” Nick groaned. He rubbed the back of his hand across his face, squishing his nose up, and then attempted to pull Kevin closer. Kevin tried to pry himself loose. “Nick, come on. Let’s go. It’s time to let go.” Nick made a negative noise in his throat and slid his hand down Kevin’s back. Kevin closed his eyes, willing himself to move away, and when he opened them again, Nick was definitely awake, looking up at Kevin with a sleepy, sated expression on his face. “Nick,” Kevin said again and Nick thrust up against him, ran a wet, hot tongue along the bridge of Kevin’s nose. Kevin moaned a little. He hadn’t expected that. “We have a meeting,” he managed to get out, even as Nick was licking the corner of his mouth, “You have to get going.” “Okay,” Nick agreed, letting Kevin go and climbing out of the bed, “What’d you do with my pants?” Kevin just watched as Nick finally found his pants peaking out from beneath the bed, pulling them on and grabbing the rest of his stuff. Kevin wanted Nick back in the bed with him, on him, in him. He wished that Nick had just left last night. Nick moved toward the door, and suddenly Kevin was all action, jumping out of the bed and rushing toward him, gripping Nick’s arm before he could turn the knob. “Can I?” Kevin asked, “one last time?” and he didn’t wait for an answer before he leaned in and claimed Nick’s lips, slipping a hand across Nick’s warm belly to rest in the small of his back. He’d promised himself that he would be okay with this, wouldn’t make a fool out of himself. He’d given himself weeks to prepare. Kevin would not break down in front of Nick. Nick pulled away first, pecking at Kevin’s closed mouth before frowning at him and saying, “The meeting is only going to last a few hours, Kev.” “I know,” Kevin said, moving his hand in circles on Nick’s back, periodically dipping beneath the line of his pants. “I’m going to see you there. After. Tonight. I’ll be here tonight.” Nick was smiling at Kevin and moving to open the door. “You have rules,” Kevin said, his voice breaking just a little, and he cleared his throat and gripped Nick’s arm. “You don’t mess with anyone over thirty.” Nick froze and stared at him for a moment, his expression surprised but mostly unreadable, “I’m not.” “You’re not what?” Nick’s mouth opened, then closed, and he reached up to push Kevin’s shoulder a little. “Messing around, idiot,” Nick said, shaking his head and walking out into the hall, golden and barefoot, his clothes cradled in his tattooed arms. |