by Zoicite
|
Nick was flirting with Howie again. And Howie, although oblivious, was soaking it up. Kevin watched quietly, his hands folded in his lap as Nick collapsed in laughter against Howie. AJ’s joke hadn’t been that funny. They were waiting for their flight to New York. They’d been waiting for about an hour. Luckily management had provided them with a lovely private airport lounge to hide away in. AJ had calmed down, was done making cracks about the overzealous girl in the front row the night before. He and Brian were in deep conversation beside the windows. Howie and Nick were all over one another on the couch. Kevin was watching it all. It had been going on for about a year now. At first Kevin thought that Nick was overcompensating for the loss of Brian. Not that Nick had actually lost Brian. Brian would always be Nick’s best friend, but Nick felt that he had been replaced. Nick was a little spoiled. Kevin smiled. All right. Nick was a lot spoiled. And he was used to getting a lot of attention. It was partly their fault. Nick was the baby. Even at 21, he was the baby and they all made concessions for him because of it. If Nick made a mistake, like the time he had been angry about some scheduling that they really had no control over and had handled it by punching Kevin, he was usually forgiven. Kevin had hugged Nick tightly, whispering that it was all right and that they all just needed to calm down, while Howie ran to get an ice pack for Kevin’s cheek. If AJ had done the same thing he would have been in trouble. Everyone would have been mad. The group dynamic screwed up because AJ should have known better. Nick wasn’t expected to know better. Nick was still learning. They knew it was wrong to make such exceptions for Nick. They knew it when Nick became sullen and bitter for weeks at a time if he didn’t get his way. And Nick cried a lot, although he would never admit to it. Kevin couldn’t even count the number of times that he had consoled a sobbing Nick in some hotel room somewhere. It was like having an overgrown child around. Only Nick wasn’t a child anymore. There were times when that became strikingly obvious. Nick was insanely jealous of Leigh Anne. He came sobbing to Kevin on Brian’s wedding night, sniffling about how he’d been replaced and he was worthless and it all came down to the fact that Nick felt jealous and abandoned. Kevin stroked Nick’s tousled hair, rubbed his back soothingly, and tried his best to convince Nick that no one had abandoned him, they all loved him, and he wasn’t worthless. But it was hard to convince Nick of these things. Nick grew up under adoring, yet fickle eyes. He grew up under the scrutiny of hoards of girls, who, although blind to certain things, were all too aware of things that were less important. It hurt Nick to know that fans turned their backs on him instantly as soon as he gained a few pounds, as soon as he had to make a public appearance with his face broken out, as soon as they found out that he didn’t have perfect vision. As soon as they realized Nick wasn’t perfect. Nick, therefore, felt that he had to be perfect and it wounded him deeply when he realized that he couldn’t achieve that perfection. He didn’t understand it when Kevin told him that he loved Nick’s imperfections. And that AJ, Brian, and Howie, They loved his imperfections too. Kevin told Nick all of these things. But Nick felt abandoned and so he sulked for weeks after the wedding. Kevin was almost upset that his own wedding hadn’t affected Nick so much. Then all of a sudden Nick was all over Howie. Howie didn’t seem to mind. He used to think Nick was annoying, and he tried to avoid him. But Howie was past that now and he’d come to genuinely enjoy Nick’s company. Kevin noticed the change in the group as soon as it happened. In the beginning it was subtle. Howie spent more time with Nick than he did with AJ. Brian noticed and seemed upset for about a day, then got over it and just tagged along with them once in awhile. AJ didn’t notice or didn’t let on that he did. AJ was too wrapped up in AJ to notice subtle changes. At first they were just friends. But as the months passed they became really close friends. Kevin left numerous messages on Nick’s machine wracking his brain for a reason that Nick was never home. Then he stopped calling Nick’s house all together and started calling Howie’s when he needed to speak with Nick instead. There were only a few occasions that he called Howie’s looking for Nick and Nick wasn’t there. And then Kevin noticed it change again. He watched Nick change from friendly to flirty. Nick had never had much of a concept of personal space. He was all over the other guys all of the time. But there was a difference in his normal every day touching and the way that he had begun touching Howie. Kevin sometimes wondered what it felt like to be touched by Nick. Like that. Howie didn’t act any differently. And Kevin knew when Howie was acting abnormally. He wasn’t very good at hiding emotions and Kevin could read them all like a book. All of Howie’s emotions, but also all of Brian’s, all of AJ’s, all of Nick’s. Kevin had been watching for a long time. Nick wanted Howie. It was painfully obvious. Nick lived at Howie’s. He had an overt preoccupation with Howie’s hair. Kevin could hardly remember a time when Howie’s hair didn’t include a hand or two of Nick Carter’s. When Nick touched Kevin, the touch said “friend” or “brother”. When Nick touched Howie, the touch wasn’t a touch at all but more of a caress and it screamed “love” and “want” and even “need.” Kevin was counting the days until he would have a sobbing crushed Nick in his arms. Howie had to realize sometime. He couldn’t be oblivious forever. And Kevin knew that when Howie did realize, he wouldn’t react well. Howie had an intense fear of being seen in an unfavorable light, and had long ago started to overcompensate for what the public thought were his biggest flaws. As a result Howie developed an intense obsession with the nonexistent flab on his stomach and tried to act ridiculously straight. It didn’t usually work. Kevin was almost looking forward to it, because he didn’t want to admit it, but he missed Nick. He’s been seeing less and less of him every day. Not that he wanted Nick hurt. But he wanted to feel needed. He wanted Nick’s touch to scream “need” for him. He wanted someone to depend on him again. And most of all Kevin wanted Nick in his arms. He wanted to soothe Nick, big and comfortable and golden, and Kevin would make everything better and then they would fall asleep, Nick’s chin pressed into the crook of Kevin’s neck, his eyes closes, long full lashes splayed across ivory cheeks. Kevin had long ago stopped denying to himself that he had feelings for Nick. At first he felt dirty. A pedophile. But Nick wasn’t a child anymore. More and more often that fact became painfully clear. Like now, when Nick was lying with his head in Howie’s lap, sprawled out across the couch, looking up at Howie with large blue eyes that plainly said, “I adore you. Notice me.” His hand was running through Howie’s hair, almost petting Howie. Kevin felt a stab of jealousy and an absence in his own lap. He pretended that it was because he missed Kristin. And he didn’t have to pretend hard. He did miss her. But at that moment he missed Nick. He wanted Nick. Brian and AJ were playing cards, waiting for someone to come into the private lounge and tell them that it was time to board. Kevin watched it all, pretending to pay equal attention to all of his boys. But his eyes always strayed back to Nick and Howie. And then Howie was looking around nervously. Kevin glanced away quickly. He fidgeted in his seat, eager not to meet Howie’s gaze, but his eyes were soon drawn back to his friends, and Howie wasn’t looking around anymore. Howie was leaning over, leaning over Nick. Nick’s hands were still buried in Howie’s hair, and Nick was making a small needy noise. Kevin had never heard Nick make a sound like that before. He didn’t think he had ever heard such a sound from anyone. He wanted to hear it again. He wanted to hear that for him. But he wouldn’t. Because Howie was kissing Nick. He was kissing Nick tentatively, thoroughly, and beautifully. So beautifully. It was then that Kevin realized that he had been mistaken. Howie wasn’t oblivious at all. |