by Zoicite
|
You don’t really expect them to ever forgive you. You think that you’ve torn the group apart. The image of Nick's hand going through a wall still haunts you at night. The look on Nick's face, Brian rushing to get help, Howie rubbing Nick's back and trying to keep the blood from dripping onto the carpet, Kevin quietly watching you. You had admitted you were an alcoholic, the Backstreet Boys were finished. You’re shocked to see them, your boys, on national television the next day announcing all of your problems to the world. At first you are furious. You hadn’t agreed to it. You have pneumonia, a broken leg, anything but that you’re in rehab. But then you see through the anger, see what they’re doing. They are being honest and they are proud. Of you. Kevin is proud, Brian is proud, they declare it readily. And Nick and Howie might not shout it from the rooftops, but you know that they are proud too. And Nick cried! On television! You feel more than a little bad about that. It’s stressful. You only have a month. You doubt you can do it. You don’t think that you can tour without it anymore. You need it. You crave it. You aren’t even quite sure who this Alex guy is anymore. Who’s to say that you want him around at all? But, the guys don't doubt you. You don’t really expect them to visit you. Maybe once or twice, but certainly not once a week. Kevin comes on the first Sunday, and then Nick shows up on Tuesday, Howie on Thursday, and Brian on Saturday. They don't tell you their schedule but you have a lot of time to think and you figure it out after the second week. Sometimes Brian comes on Saturday and then again on Sunday with Kevin. Once he shows up on Wednesday because he has a dream that you’re upset. You break down that day. You haven't cried in the presence of any of the guys, you save it for when you are alone, or with Jeanne, your counselor, but you break down when Brian shows up on a Wednesday. Brian sits with you for hours, consoling and supportive, wrapping you in a strong warm hug. Brian is the best at hugs. He’s stocky and solid and warm and it doesn’t feel like you are lost in the hug like you do with Kevin or Nick. Brian's hugs are firm and long and sincere and somehow like home. They make you feel safe, loved, appreciated, and something else that you aren’t quite ready to identify yet. Brian has a new love for large soft sweaters. That’s nice too. Kevin's hugs always feel fatherly and are accompanied by a few manly pats on the back. Kevin's hugs say "Good job son" or "I'm disappointed but I still love you" and well, it sometimes freaks you out a little. Plus Kevin towers over you and his hugs tend to make you feel fragile, or weak. Not really what you need. Nick's hugs can suffocate someone, the same way that your grandmother's hugs could suffocate someone, which was surprising considering how tiny she was. Nick's hugs are just like your grandmother's hugs. Smothering and suffocating and overflowing with love. It’s probably why Nick's hugs always make you slightly angry and very sad. Hugging Howie is nice. Howie gives a firm solid affectionate hug, but somehow the hug always seems more for Howie than for you. That’s fine sometimes. You feel less needy and more like you’re helping Howie by letting Howie hug you. And Howie is always very warm. You never thought that Howie could emanate such warmth. He’s so small and compact and he always claims to be freezing, but he isn't, at least not to touch, not to snuggle against. Hugging Howie is nice and always warm, but somewhat draining. You don’t guess that you’re the best hugger. Too many hard points and not enough softness. You’re small, but also lanky and thin. It couldn't be all that comfortable hugging you, but the guys don't seem to mind and you’re glad because there is just something wonderful about a hug from Brian. You can analyze hugs now, because you are receiving so many. The fellas act like you’ve been gone for years. It’s only been a month and a half, but you suppose that you’ve been gone a lot longer than that. The first week back on tour is hell. You’re thrown back into the same stressful routine but aren’t allowed your release. You lock yourself in your room every night after those first few shows, but it doesn't make any difference, Kevin has all the keys. Someone always comes and checks on you even though it’s clear that you want to be alone. Except that you don't, at all, and it’s during this first week that you realize that there is something special about Brian. At first Kevin comes himself. He has the keys, and it’s easiest and expected because he’s Kevin. You won’t even look at him. You keep your hands clenched in fists and you stare at the wall. You don’t move, even when Kevin sits down beside you and runs a hand over your newly shaven head. You ignore it and keep your body tensed. It’s your anger pose, even though you aren’t really angry. You aren’t really sure what you are feeling, or what you should be feeling. It’s frustrating that you want it already, that it only took a few days on the road to make you want it again. When Kevin hugs you it screams "Good Job Son! I'm proud of ya! Keep up the good work", followed closely by some manly pats. Sometimes you can convince yourself that you hate Kevin. The next time you lock yourself away, Kevin sends Howie. Howie is supposed to be the peacekeeper and really he just wants to snuggle. You don’t respond at first but after awhile find it hard not to embrace him back. You hadn’t thought there could be too much hugging, but Howie proved to you that there is. Howie is probably as much of a mess as you are. When Nick comes to 'help' he brings his Mega-Nintendo, or Playstation 6, or whatever the stupid machine is. Somehow having Nick kick your ass in a racing game doesn't work to soothe your frustrations and when you can’t possibly stand another second, Nick tries to suffocate you in his grandmother-esque embrace. That’s around the same time that you get mad and kick Nick out of your room. Nick looks like a wounded puppy and leaves with his tail between his legs and his Playstation in his arms. Brian brings large fuzzy sweaters and sparkly eyes and corny humor. You try to resist it. You really do. But Brian is persistent. He doesn’t sulk away when you try to kick him out for doing cheesy impressions. He doesn’t get offended when you tell him how over Ace Ventura is and that he sucks as a comedian and should get a new fuckin' act already. He just grins at you and waits for you to shut the door and come back into the room. You think about using force to get him to leave, but he is just sitting there and smiling his cheesy Brian smile and you wouldn’t dream of physically hurting him. You sit next to him and for the next ten minutes he will only talk to you in the voice of Donald Duck and you think that it is clear that your friend is on some type of drugs. You would pull your hair out if you hadn’t already shaved it all off. He makes a joke that’s mildly funny and you crack a smile. Just a small one. But that’s enough for Brian. He thinks that he has triumphed and he throws his arms around you and hugs tightly, breathing warm Brian breath on your neck. It’s over too soon and he moves away and just beams. When he talks it’s in his normal voice again and at least there’s that. If you’d known that was all it took for him to stop acting like he was on crack you would have smiled when he first walked in uninvited. He ends up dragging you to a movie. You don’t admit it at the time but it is the first night you don’t think about needing a drink. Brian drops by the next night as well. You are in a foul mood due to an article in some stupid tabloid and you just sort of scowl at him when he enters. He frowns and picks up the paper off the bed, staring down at it before dramatically ripping it up and throwing it into the trash. When you look up at him he’s holding your lighter and wearing an evil grin. Kevin still doesn’t believe that Nick, who was having a party in his room at the time, didn’t set off the fire alarms in the hotel that night. Brian starts coming by every night and before long you find yourself looking forward to it. You look forward to it all day, and when he shows up you’re already grinning and waiting for whatever he has planned for the two of you to do. One evening it’s night fishing on the Hudson River. You’d never been fishing. Later, you have free reign of Chicago’s finest museums after they’ve all closed to the public. In Boston you go to the aquarium and then to the finest seafood restaurant in town and Brian insists that you don’t pay for any of it. You think it feels like a date but Brian is all shiny and happy and you feel that way too so you don’t say anything. The best part really is the hugs. The softness of Brian’s clothes, the warmth of his body pressed against yours. He even smells wonderful. You’d never really noticed how nice Brian smelled until he started giving you daily hugs. They really are the best part of the night for you. The hugs are probably the best part of your life right now. You don’t think about the alcohol so much anymore. You rarely crave it and you’re hardly ever in situations where you are even tempted. The group spends a few days in New York City and you and Brian go to see three Broadway shows. You’d forgotten how much you love the theatre. On the third night you have to present at the MTV Music Video Awards before rushing to the venue to perform. Jamie Foxx makes some cracks about your problem and you ignore it. You’ve learned to take it in stride. You don’t care what he thinks. You don’t expect Brian to react the way that he does. You’ve never seen the expression he wears after walking off stage that night. It almost scares you. And when he turns around and walks right back on, Kevin’s mouth drops open in surprise. You don’t know what he says until you are halfway to the venue, and when you find out you can’t believe that those words came out of Brian. You didn’t know he had it in him. You also didn’t know that it would be such a turn on to have Brian stand up for you like that. At the venue Nick and Howie hop out of the van and head straight to the catering table. Kevin wanders off to talk to Krystal, and you shove Brian into a deserted hallway. Surprised, Brian opens his mouth to speak and you silence him with urgent lust-filled kisses. Brian tries to pull away at first, but then lets out a surprised moan and starts kissing you back with passionate abandon. You’d thought about kissing Brian a lot in the last two weeks and now that you are you don’t know why you haven’t been doing it always. Brian is sexy and warm and can do wonderful things with his tongue and kissing him feels right, like it is meant to be. You shove him against the wall, groping and touching and he’s doing the same to you and you can’t wait until after the show tonight because you’ve just discovered that there is actually something better than a hug from Brian. |