by Zoicite

During the interview with John Norris from MTV, Nick could hardly contain himself. “I’ve been...I’ve been sitting back, like, going out of my mind, just waiting to do this, for this moment for a long time,” Nick laughed. He fidgeted in his seat, ready to jump up and dance at any moment. John Norris laughed. Kevin shot him a look that could easily be read as “Don’t act like an idiot now”, and Nick settled down after that. He knew he was bordering on incoherent. He hadn‘t been this happy in a long time and Nick really had been waiting for this moment, he wasn‘t lying about that. He really had been going out of his mind and he knew it had only been a month and a half but it felt like a year. He kept it under control though; the last thing he needed was Kev on his case tonight. The rest of the interview went by in a blur. AJ was back. He was sober and he was going to be all right. He had to be all right. Nick was ecstatic. It was the best he had performed in a long time, and it was fun. It was a show full of emotions and hugs and Howie's hair gave Nick plenty of material to fool around with. Poor Howie never heard the end of it from Nick, but even Nick picking incessantly on Howie wasn’t going to ruin the night. The five of them were together again. They had beaten it and they were still there. After the show Nick piled into the van with Howie and AJ, jumping between the two in the middle seat, practically landing in Howie’s lap. “Ow!“ Howie exclaimed, “Geez, Nicky. Get off me, would ya? You’re too big to be jumping all over me like that. There is a whole back seat you know.” Nick babbled an apology, shifting a little but remaining between his two friends, his arms flung over Howie and AJ’s shoulders. He knew Howie wasn’t as annoyed as he pretended to be. He was just trying to make Nick feel bad for laughing at his hair all night long. Or maybe he really was annoyed. Nick frowned. Howie had every right to be mad. Nick hadn’t spoken to him in three weeks. He would have been pretty upset had Howie been ignoring him for the past three weeks. AJ looked at Nick and grinned, causing Nick’s own smile to return. Nick broke away from AJ and began absently running his fingers through Howie’s new hair. He made fun of it all the time, but Nick loved Howie’s hair. Especially when there was no gel in it to prevent it from being naturally soft and curly and so nice to just touch. Howie rolled his eyes and turned to stare out the tinted window of the van, but let Nick continue. That was a good sign, right? Howie couldn’t be that mad. AJ was staring out the opposite window, a small smile on his face still, watching as the van pulled onto the street of their hotel. He turned to glance at Nick, who’s knee was bouncing constantly as he played with Howie’s hair. “I don’t know how you’d handle it if we broke up.” Nick turned quickly to look at AJ. “I’ll handle it just fine. But why worry about it. It’s never going to happen. We’re gonna be together forever, the five of us.” Howie and AJ just smiled and nodded in agreement. Nick knew, had Kevin been there, he would have snorted and looked away. Kevin was all too aware of the average life span of a “boy-band”. He would never admit that that was what they were, but even he knew they could never escape the categorization. No one had latched on to vocal harmony group, no matter how many times they had pointed out the preferred category. The boy-band thing was getting to Kevin, and no one was really sure if it was because he wanted it to be over so that he could settle down, he was almost 30 after all, or because he was afraid that everyone was right, that it would be over soon and that no one would want to hear him sing with his four best friends, his four brothers. Kevin sometimes thought Nick was a little too much the optimist, but there were just some things Nick needed to believe. AJ reached up to shuffle Nick’s hair and laughed as Nick feigned annoyance. “Hey. Hey, Nick. I was only kidding. No one is going anywhere. I love ya, bro. And always will. That is one thing you can count on.” With that, AJ jumped out of the van, grabbed his bag and headed into the hotel, smiling and waving at the fans. Howie began shoving Nick toward the door. “Let’s go Nicky, I want to get inside. I have a party to get to,” He shoved Nick again. “Come on!” Nick grabbed his bag and headed for the hotel. Nick wasn’t sure what the fans saw in him. Well, that wasn’t entirely true. He knew exactly what they saw in him but he wasn’t sure why they didn’t see through the act, that he was playing it up just for them. He didn’t believe it, why should they? Nick played it up as cute, sexy, happy, whatever the cameras called for. And sometimes it was true, like the night AJ returned. No need to pretend he was happy then. The happy, cute feelings were fleeting though. It was more common that inside he felt ugly, unloved and unworthy of love. Nick knew that he was loved, that he had a loving family, and a loving extended family complete with four brothers that truly cared about him. But that wasn’t what he was looking for. Nick was looking for a soul mate. Brian. For a long time Nick thought that he had found that soul mate in his best friend. They were so close they must be destined for more. They had to be. There was no question. Nick clung to Brian when the group got together, and Brian, feeling like the outsider, clung right back. They were soon the best of friends and Nick was sure that no one had ever understood him the way that Brian did. Looking back, even now he couldn’t tell when the brotherly feelings turned into something more, but somewhere along the line it had happened. One morning Nick woke up and realized he was in love. Brian had become the last thing he thought of when he went to sleep, the first thing on his mind when he woke up. Nick’s world revolved around the older boy and Brian seemed more than content functioning as the center of it. As Nick hit 17, it was Brian’s chiseled face, his piercing blue eyes, and well, the rest of him, that became the subject of Nick’s frequent masturbation fantasies. At first Nick was ashamed of this. He was masturbating to images of his best friend. His best friend was a guy. Nick was a guy. It was just wrong on so many levels. He tried to stop, or he intended to try but as it went on, Nick realized that he didn’t want to stop. If anything he wanted the real thing. Nick was proud of his love for Brian and as long as he had his feelings for Brian, Nick could accept the fact that he was bisexual. Not that that meant he was ready to announce it to the rest of the world. He didn’t even tell his family, or his four best friends. Regardless of keeping it quiet, Nick wasn’t ashamed. He just hadn’t felt the need to tell anyone. He didn’t have a boyfriend, or a girlfriend for that matter, and he wasn’t going to clue Brian in on his feelings, yet. So it could wait. Then Brian went in for his heart surgery. Nick was terrified. He could lose Brian, the one person he loved more than life itself and Brian would never even know. Nick vowed to tell Brian of his feelings the very next moment he saw him. The night before Nick was to visit Brian in the hospital he was up into the early morning writing out what he was going to say, drawing small pictures of Brian all over the margins of his notebook, and chewing off every one of his finger nails thinking that this was exactly what Brian claimed his worst habit to be. Nick adored Brian’s fingers even with the stubby chewed nails. Finally, Nick passed out with thoughts of his friend floating through his head. When he awoke he saw that he had been tucked into bed, his papers and pens stacked neatly on the nightstand. Howie’s doing most likely. Nick knew that Howie came to check on him once in awhile in the early days just to make sure. Nick used to get homesick a lot and it made Howie worry. Nick thought it was very Kevin of him, but Howie hadn’t done it in a long time. Most likely he was restless and worried about Brian too. Nick felt his heart clench when he saw Brian lying helpless in the hospital bed. The room appeared so sanitary and empty save for Brian and a couple flower arrangements that had been sent and Brian looked tiny and sickly lying in the bed. His lunch tray was over him with the unidentifiable food pushed away, untouched. Brian smiled as Nick entered the room. Nick loved Brian’s smile. It lit up his whole face. The smile took over, scrunching Brian’s eyes and causing dimples to form in his cheeks. This smile put Nick at ease instantly. He had been nervous, pacing the halls anxiously, waiting his turn to talk to his friend and he wasn’t sure what he expected, but that smile changed it all. Nick was sure at that moment that Brian would be all right; they would all be all right. Nick walked quietly up to the bed. He stood for a moment just looking at Brian. He just wanted to make sure that his friend was truly on the road to recovery and it wasn’t just some line the doctors had fed him. Nick didn’t trust doctors. Nothing particular had ever happened to cause the distrust, it was just there, like Nick’s distrust for Lou. He didn’t trust Lou from the beginning, but everyone told him it was all right, it was his chance, his big break, and so he went along with it and it turned out that he had been right all along and Lou wasn’t so trustworthy after all. What he really wanted to see was the scar, the incision where those doctors had opened up his friend in order to fix the heart that Nick hoped so much was devoted to him. Brian seemed to sense this and pulled aside the hospital gown to show Nick where the incision had taken place. Nick gasped at the long red gash down Brian’s chest, yellow with iodine. The stitches looked like tens of tiny black spiders and Nick instinctively reached out toward it, pausing to search Brian’s face for permission. Brian nodded. Nick’s fingers brushed lightly along the cut, softly, but enough to move the stitches a little causing Brian to flinch and Nick to pull away quickly. “Sorry,” Nick mumbled and looked at the floor, studiously memorizing the pattern of the old linoleum tiles. “No, Nick. It’s all right. You don’t need to apologize.” Brian took Nick’s hand in his own and squeezed, pulling Nick in for a hug. Nick saw his chance. As he went in for the hug, he shifted and kissed Brian. Brian’s lips were soft, softer than Nick had imagined a guy’s lips would be and Brian tasted like peppermint and hospital, an odd mixture that Nick would remember with fondness. Brian didn’t resist, he even kissed Nick in return but when Nick moved to further the kiss, slipping his tongue between Brian’s lips, Brian gently pushed Nick away. “Nick? What...Why did you kiss me?” “I...I was so worried. I thought I was going to lose you. And you are all right. You’re still here,” Nick ran his hand through his blond hair, trying to get it out of his face, “but that isn’t why I kissed you. It’s...it’s...I love you, Brian.” “I love you too, Nick, you know I do. But I’m not sure if we should go around kissing each other like that. I mean, to kiss your best friend...like that...” “But...I...” All of the words Nick had planned to say, the speeches that he had rehearsed, died on his lips. “Oh,“ Brian frowned. “Oh.” He pulled Nick in for a fierce hug, “Nick, No! I love you Nick. You’re my brother; you are my best friend, my closest friend in the world. But we can never be more than that.” Nick sobbed into the hug. He wanted to squeeze Brian, hug him as hard as he could and just cry. He knew Brian would let him. But Brian had just gotten out of surgery. Brian was fragile. So Nick kept his hug fragile, and he cried and felt like he was more fragile than Brian was, and he had just been broken. Brian whispered against Nick’s hair, “I’m so sorry. I didn’t know Nick, I didn’t know.” Nick thought that Brian probably had known on some level, but Brian was so innocent, so unassuming, that if he had known then it was hidden so deep that Brian would never have recognized it. Brian could have gone on forever believing that Nick was just his over affectionate best friend. Brian. Innocent, unassuming, holy Brian would never even think of falling in love with his best friend. It would never happen. Nick saw that now and couldn’t believe that he hadn’t seen it then. Nick stood, straightened his clothes, forced a smile, and fled the room. He heard Brian call out to him, but ignored it. On the way out he passed Leigh Anne in the hall. It was as if he was seeing her for the first time. Of course, she had always been there. Not always, but often enough in the last few months that she was becoming a constant in Nick‘s life. Nick had liked her. He thought she was fun. She was a bit old, and he suspected she thought of him as a child, but she had always been nice to him. Nick in return had treated her as a friend of Brian and therefore a friend of his, nothing more. And of course she was more, she was much more to Brian. Leigh Anne was what Nick never would be and Nick wished he could hate her for it in that moment. Hate her as he had never hated anyone. But Nick didn’t hate her. He could see why Brian would love her, why Brian did love her and rather than hate her Nick hated himself. He forced a weak smile and a small wave as he passed her and moved on down the hall. He reached the waiting area and collapsed in a seat near the window, staring off into nothingness. He had lost Brian. Nick was sure of it. Brian wouldn’t want to be around him anymore. Brian had Leigh Anne and he had made it clear that he didn’t need Nick. Leigh Anne was so beautiful. Nick had a minor case of acne. Nick wore glasses. Now that Nick was moving out of the gangly stage, Nick was a little chubby, at least by the public’s standards and what was most likely the deciding factor, Nick was a man. Still a boy, really. He stared out the window and felt the tears return. Only a minute had passed before he felt someone sit beside him. Howie. Howie wrapped his arms around Nick, pulling him into a fierce hug. “Shhh. It’s okay. Everything will be okay. Brian will be back with us in no time and everything will be just how it was. Only better.” This made Nick cry even harder but he accepted Howie’s hug and held on for dear life. Nick nuzzled his head in Howie’s neck and felt a gentle hand in his hair. Howie took Nick home, spending the night at Nick’s request. Howie probably suspected that there was something more bothering Nick, but he didn‘t press. He always knew exactly how to comfort his friends. Nick never knew. His secret was out. Brian knew and had rejected him. Nick was worthless. Nick was ugly. Nick was unloved. But Howie was there, snuggled up to Nick on the couch, still stroking his hair and they fell asleep like that, old reruns of the Brady Bunch playing in the background. Weeks passed and Nick began to retreat into himself. He put on a show for the camera, but he doubted his every move. He was growing, sprouting taller than even Kevin, who used to seem like a giant. But unlike Kevin, always at home with himself, confident in every action, Nick didn’t feel right in his own body. He always had a few extra pounds on him and was very self-conscious of it. He wasn’t overweight, technically. He knew he wasn’t, but it hurt. He hadn’t thought twice about it until logging onto the internet and seeing numerous sites declaring him fat, ugly, gay. The state of mind that he had been in the night Brian rejected him remained, flowing through him in waves. One day he would be fine, he loved life, everything was great and the next he plunged into self-loathing. It was like the tides of the ocean he loved so much. Brian acted as though nothing had happened. He was genuinely hurt when Nick pulled away from him after he was released from the hospital. He missed his best friend and went out of his way to hang out with Nick, offering to play Nintendo, play a game of basketball, anything to allow him to spend quality time with Nick, to get his friend back. Nick avoided Brian at all costs in the beginning. It just hurt him too much, but Brian was persistent and after awhile the pain lessened and Nick could be around Brian. He could even pretend that he had never made his confession. Brian made it easy. He treated Nick no differently and Nick returned to worshipping his friend from afar. Meanwhile, Nick began hanging out with AJ more often. He got his first tattoo, and then Nick met someone. Mandy Williford. He liked her, a lot. She was fun, easy to get along with, beautiful, and she adored Nick. What the fans said wasn’t true. Mandy wasn’t a bitch. She never hurt him physically. Mandy was misunderstood by the fans. She didn’t deal with it well, Nick’s fame. It confused her when people began recognizing her but then she was thrilled because she wanted to sing, and the recognition could only be a good thing. Until they began threatening. The internet was harsher to Mandy than it had ever been to Nick. But Nick liked Mandy, so he tried to protect her from the fans and it worked, for awhile. Nick forgot Brian and devoted his time to Mandy. Then there was AJ. AJ. Who Nick had always looked up to. He was so self-confident, so self-assured. If AJ knew what he wanted, he went after it, and more often than not, he got it. AJ was walking sex. He commanded the crowd like no one Nick had ever known. Nick wanted that. Nick wanted to be that, and so Nick went and got another tattoo. A music note this time. And with the pain of the needle, Nick could believe that he was feeling some of his own self-loathing disappear, he could feel himself becoming more like AJ. Nick wanted to die his hair. He would have, permanently, if anyone would let him. Once in Sweden, he convinced Brian and AJ to die it red. They agreed as long as it wasn’t permanent die. He ended up with a pink head. “Pink?! Lemme see that bottle, AJ. I can‘t believe you guys did this to me!” AJ thought it was hilarious. “Carter, your hair! This is great! Can we call you Pinky from now on?? The kiddies are gonna get a kick outta this one!” “What?! NO! Come on, hand over the bottle!” AJ was laughing so hard that he ended up falling backward off the bed, and Nick was forced to pounce on him to pry the bottle from his fingers. Nick scanned the label but the bottle definitely proclaimed “Flaming Red” in large bold letters across the front. He threw it in the trash with disgust. “I don’t understand. We did everything right. We followed the directions.” Brian felt bad. He kept looking over the instructions trying to figure out where they had gone wrong. At least he appeared to be rereading them. Brian had absolutely no idea what he was looking for but knew that the mistake must be in front of him. Nick had a feeling that the problem lay in the fact that the instructions were in Swedish and Brian and AJ had absolutely no fucking clue what they were doing. Nick had just assumed, with AJ’s ever changing hair, that he would know how to apply simple hair die. Kevin was not amused. He threatened to shove Nick’s head in a toilet of peroxide if Nick didn’t wash it out, figuring that whatever the outcome it had to be better than pink. “We’ll never be taken seriously if you insist on dying your hair ridiculous colors.” Kevin reasoned, and Nick didn’t think it was the time to point out that hair color should have nothing to do with their vocal ability or that even if it did, look at AJ. No one made a big fuss about his head. But he wasn’t AJ, he was Nick and Nick could not have pink hair. “Even if it isn’t permanent, didn’t you realize that the red would fade and end up as pink eventually?” Actually, Nick hadn’t realized that and neither had Brian or AJ judging by the looks on their faces. Howie, hearing the commotion, entered the room, doing a double take upon seeing Nick. “It doesn’t look that bad,” Howie reasoned, “it could grow on you. I’m starting to like it already.” Nick rolled his eyes but felt a little better and was almost glad that Howie didn’t know that it wasn’t permanent. The next day Nick washed his hair about ten times to get the die out. That was the last time he seriously thought about dying his hair. He’d let AJ rule in that department. Another tattoo and Nick was with AJ every chance he got. He proclaimed in interviews that he was following in AJ’s footsteps and eventually he began to feel better. He spent time with Brian and fought with Kevin, and through it all Nick felt better. He picked on Howie, as he had always done and Howie took it with a smile, as he always had and Nick felt good, the sense of personal distaste had left him and Nick was at ease with himself once again. Nick’s family had problems with Mandy but Nick liked Mandy so he went against his parents’ wishes and moved in with her. Brian got engaged and Nick was all right. He had moved on. He was happy for Brian and he was happy for Kevin, engaged as well. He smiled through both of their weddings and got a fourth tattoo. They came out with their third album and took a trip around the world, a trip full of fun and fatigue that finally landed them in New York City. Rather than waiting a few days for his mother and brother, who were taking part in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, Nick went back to Orlando, and spent Thanksgiving with AJ. AJ was always happy to have Nick, or any of the fellas. After AJ’s relatives had left and the food had been cleared the two sat on the huge leather couches in AJ’s living room flipping channels. “You wanna go out? Pick up some chicks? Have a good time?” Nick looked up and set the remote down. “You want me to go out with you?” “Sure, we’ve done it before. You’re almost 21,” AJ said with a shrug that told Nick that age never stopped AJ from doing anything, “ They are gonna let you in. It’ll be fun.” Nick hesitated. Clubs weren’t really his scene. He always felt out of place there, like he didn’t belong. Nick danced all the time, every night almost, but dancing in a club was different. It wasn’t choreographed and Nick knew that he wasn’t a great dancer, but AJ wanted him to go and he wanted to stay with AJ so he agreed to the outing. They didn’t pick up any chicks and AJ stayed with Nick the whole night, making sure his friend had a good time and getting Nick more than a little drunk in the process. “This is great!” AJ shouted over the crowd and the music, leaning in close to Nick’s ear. Nick could feel AJ’s breath on his skin, he was so close, could smell the maltiness of the liquor. “We should do this more often.” And they did. Nick began going out with AJ after concerts and just about any other night. They hit bars, clubs, whatever was available. They would get plastered together, dancing the night away, then laugh the whole way back to the hotel. AJ made Nick feel like he belonged. He made Nick feel good and Nick would never have suspected that AJ might have problems of his own. One night after a show in Detroit, Howie and Brian approached Nick. “Going out tonight?” “Of course.” It was obvious that Nick was going out. He was putting on his socks and shoes when they had walked in and he was dressed to impress. But then, Brian wasn’t very observant, as Nick had learned long ago. “So you probably wouldn’t want to stay in and catch a movie or something, right?” “No thanks, maybe another night.” With that Brian nodded and left. Most likely to seek out Kevin. Or to call Leigh Anne. Nick looked at Howie expectantly. When Howie didn’t appear to have anything to say Nick returned to tying his shoes. “Don’t you get sick of being something you aren’t?” Nick’s head shot up. “What are you talking about? Something I’m not?” “This isn’t you Nicky, it never was. You don’t even really like clubs. This is AJ,” Howie waved his arms around to include the entire room, “Not Nick.” “I don’t know what you’re talking about. Of course this is me. I’m not allowed to change? Is that it? I’m 21 now. I can go to a club if I want to. And I like hanging out with AJ. It’s fun and exciting and always new.” Howie sighed, “Just don’t get hurt again.” Nick watched, angry as Howie left. What did he mean by that? Why would he get hurt? Was he implying...? No, Howie never knew about Brian. He couldn’t have. No one knew. He was sure Brian wouldn’t have told the others. Besides, AJ was just his friend. He wasn’t in love with AJ. He had Mandy. He hadn’t spoken to her in days, hadn’t even wanted to bother calling, but she was his girlfriend. Didn’t that mean something? Later at the club, Nick grabbed his drink and sat in a booth, watching the activity swirl around him. He wasn’t really having a great time and almost wished he had taken Brian up on that movie. He was still confused by what Howie meant. But then, Howie was strange, had always been strange, and would always be strange. Wasn’t that why Nick consistently picked on him? AJ sidled into the booth next to him, throwing his thin tattooed arm around Nick and laughing. “Hey bro, what’s shakin?” Nick couldn’t help but laugh. Howie was forgotten for the moment and replaced with the warm feeling that spread through him from AJ’s arm. “Just thinking.” “Thinking?! We’re at a club! You aren’t supposed to be thinking, Carter. You’re supposed to be dancing!” And with that AJ shimmied on the bench against Nick. He kissed Nick’s cheek wetly and began pulling him out of the booth. “Come on Nick-ay! Look around you. All the girls want you! All the guys want you! You’re the great blond god, Nick Carter. Now, you got the body, you got the looks, use ‘em!” AJ pushed Nick toward the dance floor, finding a pretty red head and pulling her along with them. Nick went reluctantly but spent the rest of the night dancing up a storm. He danced with everyone around him, but it was when AJ was so close that he was dancing with AJ that Nick was glad that he had turned down Brian’s movie offer, glad that he had ignored Howie’s ominous warning. Because he was having a great time, here, with AJ. And AJ made him feel good about himself; AJ made him feel attractive. He told himself it was the alcohol and the moment, but with AJ grinding up against his ass, Nick found it hard not to admit what he couldn’t admit back in the hotel room. He liked AJ. It was more than friendship. The thrills and shivers passing through his body were proof and he didn’t want them to ever disappear. Mandy broke up with him shortly after the concert in Detroit. She claimed she was sick of fighting with AJ for Nick’s time. She deserved more. She deserved a boyfriend who wasn’t in love with another of his friends. Nick protested. AJ was only a friend. Nothing more. Where was Mandy getting this? But he didn’t protest too much. After all, he knew exactly where Mandy was getting it from, and he also knew that it was true. He was in love with AJ. Mandy left in a huff, taking the dogs that they shared with her. Nick was more upset by the loss of the dogs than by anything else. Later that day the guys dropped by to make sure that he was all right. Brian brought pizza and movies and the five of them sat around for the rest of the day laughing and watching That Thing You Do for the billionth time. Brian, Howie and Nick were snuggled on the couch, Kevin and AJ sprawled on the floor. Mandy was completely forgotten before the movie had even gotten underway. By the time the movie ended AJ and Brian were already asleep. Kevin wasn’t far behind. Howie went off in search of blankets and Nick snuggled into the couch next to Brian. Howie returned, covered the two of them, spreading the rest of the blankets over the floor sleepers. Then Howie settled next to Kevin and fell asleep. Nick drifted off to sleep against Brian’s chest, listening to his friend’s heartbeat, thinking of the way things were. Nick would have savored this before, but now, although he loved Brian dearly as a friend, he couldn’t help but wish it was AJ with him on the couch. The next day Nick went out and got his fifth tattoo. Nick never thought it was possible that AJ had problems. When AJ’s grandmother died, it became clear that he did. AJ started losing himself in the clubs and the bottle every chance he got. It had been bad before, the group had confronted him, but Nick had usually been there with him, and it had never seemed a terribly bad problem to Nick. Until AJ’s grandmother died. Then everything changed. AJ was very close to his grandmother. She had helped AJ’s mother raise him and was really like AJ’s second mother. He took it very badly when he found out she had passed away. Nick, Howie, Brian and Kevin were there to comfort him, just as he would have been there for them, but they had to leave. They had to perform at the Nickelodeon Kid’s Choice Awards. They couldn’t back out and so they had to leave AJ. Nick was torn up about it. He was miserable on the way to the show and particularly cruel to Howie, who took it with a shrug and a smile. Brian and Nick took over AJ’s solos during the performance. Nick put as much emotion as he could into that part, trying to bring AJ back to him. He knew he couldn’t be AJ, that the song was lacking without AJ’s gravely soulful voice, but Nick tried his best to do it justice. Later, AJ would tell him that he had over emoted. As soon as the show was over with he wanted to run back to AJ’s side. He felt it was his duty to be with AJ. Kevin stopped him. Kevin. Had it been anyone else he would have brushed him or her off and left. But it was Kevin. Despite not wanting to buy into the stereotypes that they had placed upon themselves in the beginning, Kevin was the “big-brother type”. It couldn’t be helped simply because it was true. Nick was fourteen when the Backstreet Boys formed. He was the oldest in his family. He never had anyone to look up to and so it was natural that Kevin would fill that role for him. Become Nick’s older brother, even Nick’s father when Nick was so far from home. Therefore, when Kevin spoke, Nick usually listened. Even when he protested and struggled to be free of the hold Kevin had over him, Nick listened. Nick respected and loved Kevin and took to heart all advice that Kevin gave. “AJ needs to be with family now.” Kevin said, pulling Nick aside by the arm. “We are family.” “You know what I mean.” “But how do you know? How do you know that AJ doesn’t need me right now?” Nick slapped his chest with his right hand for emphasis. “When AJ needs you, he’ll come find you. That’s how AJ is.” Kevin pulled Nick in for a quick hug, then let go of his arm and left to find his wife. And because Nick knew how AJ was and knew that Kevin was right, he listened. He didn’t go to AJ. He waited until AJ came back to them. When AJ did come to them it wasn’t the AJ they all remembered. He was mean. AJ joked with them all the time, but this AJ meant it. He didn’t show up on time for rehearsals or meetings. That’s what really got to Kevin. Kevin felt that it was disrespecting them. Nick supposed that in a way, it was. He was angry all the time, and he was rarely sober. The man that Nick had looked to in order to help with Nick’s problems suddenly had multitudes of problems of his own. Problems that seemed much worse than Nick’s had ever been. Nick didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know how to help. And so he clung to AJ just as much as he had before AJ had changed on him. But it wasn’t fun anymore. It wasn’t exciting. It was still new, just not in a good way. AJ got annoyed with him and was frequently mean. It hurt Nick, and finally he took the hint and backed off. He stepped back and waited for AJ to heal himself. A few months later AJ was ready to admit that he wasn’t able to heal himself. He needed help. He told this to the guys in a group meeting that ended in tears and hugs. The tour would have to be postponed. They weren’t going to do it if they weren’t whole. They couldn’t do it. The next day AJ left for rehabilitation and the remaining four Backstreet Boys headed to New York in order to tell the world. Nick didn’t speak most of the way, leaning on Howie’s shoulder, giving in to tears once in awhile. Howie just let him have his time, gently rubbing his back whenever the tears came. Howie usually knew when not to speak, when not to interfere. Nick never knew. The MTV appearance was very difficult. Kevin was the first to speak and when he nearly broke down Nick knew he wasn’t going to make it. He sat there, in the ridiculous t-shirt he had pulled from his suitcase that blared “grabbabootie and pinch” loudly across his chest, and tried to hold back the tears. The shirt was in honor of AJ. He had given it to Nick as part of a birthday present. Nick’s hand was in a cast. He had broken it a few days earlier playing basketball. It wasn’t really a major injury, but Howie had freaked out and rushed him directly to the emergency room. Nick wiped at his eyes with his free hand, willing the tears not to fall. He couldn’t cry on national television. He wouldn’t. Afterward they had to do another interview with MTV news. As soon as John Norris asked Nick a direct question, he broke down. He sobbed into his hand, apologizing, explaining that whatever they could do to help AJ was what they would do. AJ was all that mattered. And AJ would come back. He had to. There were no Backstreet Boys without AJ and the Backstreet Boys weren’t going to end. Not until one of them died. Nick said this last part out loud. Kevin snorted and looked away, just as Nick knew that Kevin would. After the appearances that lasted a few days, Nick wasn’t really sure what to do with himself. Brian had gone home to Georgia, home to Leigh Anne. Kevin flew off to his home in LA. Nick didn’t want to be alone, so he moved in with Howie for awhile. He spent a few weeks lounging about Howie’s house, eating Howie’s food, annoying Howie’s brother, John. Nick wasn’t happy, but it was fun and Howie seemed more than glad to put up with him. Howie’s home was right on the ocean and Nick and Howie spent most days on the beach. Saturday’s he and Howie would go visit AJ. The center that AJ chose wasn’t far from Howie’s house. Even after the first week AJ seemed better. He looked worn out, but he smiled when he saw his friends, pulling them in close for hugs. He talked about how sorry he was, how he had lost control. Howie just nodded and smiled, accepting it all. Nick cried. Kevin came and stayed with Howie for a week as well. Howie complained of a full house, but smiled when he said it. Kevin was worried that they had caused AJ’s problems. That it was the Backstreet Boys themselves, and not life on the road that AJ needed to get away from. It terrified Nick. What if AJ didn’t want to come back? Maybe it wasn’t healthy for AJ to be with them anymore. Maybe it really was over. Nick began thinking that he might be the problem, that he had caused this. The more Nick thought about it the more it seemed that it had really begun when he started clinging to AJ as if to life itself. And then he started to see a trend. He had loved Brian. Brian went in for surgery and Nick had seen that as his window. He told Brian and it blew up in his face, but he got over it. Now he loved AJ. AJ was in rehab. AJ might not return to them, but Nick wasn’t going to make the same mistake he had made the first time. He wouldn’t rush to AJ declaring his love for him. Because really, Nick knew that AJ wouldn‘t be able to return the feelings. He knew that the same thing would happen all over again. And knowing that, Nick began to sink back into his old trend of self-loathing. Kevin had gone to visit AJ and spoke with him about his fears. AJ swore that it wasn’t anything to do with them as a group. He loved them and wouldn’t ever think of leaving them permanently. It was the stress, and his loss, and his life in general. But he needed to know that he had them to come back to. He needed the Backstreet Boys. He was a singer, he wanted to sing, and he wanted to do it with them. This was slightly reassuring to Nick, but he still felt that he might have been at least part of the cause. He began holing himself up in Howie’s guestroom. He stopped picking on John and rarely went down to the beach. One afternoon Howie came in to check on him, as he usually did, just to make sure he was all right. Nick was lying on his back in a wrinkled t-shirt and a pair of shorts. He stared at the ceiling and didn’t move when Howie entered. Howie came over and sat beside him on the bed, causing it to sink to one side with his weight. Nick settled slightly so that his side was pushed up against Howie. He continued to stare straight ahead. “I have to go to Toronto for a little while. You can come with me if you want. You can stay here, although John might not be too happy about that.” Nick didn’t say anything, just nodded, staring at the ceiling. “It’s not your fault, you know.” Nick looked at Howie then. Howie knew, somehow that Nick was blaming himself. Howie always knew what the others were thinking. Nick never did. The sun from the open windows caught Howie’s hair, curling around his face, causing it to shine. It looked like a halo. Nick laughed, thinking about how everyone had said that Howie looked like Jesus with the long hair. Now he thought they were right. Howie looked almost holy in the light. Howie smiled. “There it is! I haven’t heard you laugh in days, Nicky.” “Guess I just needed to see your funny looking face.” Nick laughed. He was joking, making fun of Howie again, but he knew it was true. Howie feigned hurt, jumping up away from the bed. Then he broke into a grin, pouncing on Nick and tickling his sides. Nick laughed and pushed Howie away. The two settled on the bed. Howie pretended to be as interested in the ceiling as Nick was, but soon fell asleep with his head on Nick’s chest. Nick chuckled when Howie started to snore quietly and thought about shaking his friend awake. But Howie looked peaceful, and Nick liked the warm weight resting on him, so he folded Howie into his arms and fell asleep as well. When he woke up, he was covered with a blanket and Howie was gone. Nick didn’t go to Toronto with Howie. Instead he toured the country with his little brother, Aaron. He had missed Aaron, had missed performing, and it took his mind off of his unwanted feelings for AJ. And he called Howie almost every night. After the first few nights Howie stopped asking why he was calling, just answered the phone with “Hey Nicky” and began babbling on about how his day went. Nick would listen and laugh. He missed the guys, but didn’t want to annoy Brian and Kevin with his calls, so he called Howie. He liked listening to what Howie had done, even if it wasn’t all that exciting. “Went to a party tonight. I’m a little big schnockered. Just a little bit.” Nick could hear Howie smiling over the phone and could picture Howie thrown across a hotel bed, rumpled, smelling of cigarettes and alcohol, a mass of curls surrounding his face. “Lance and Joey were there. From Nsync. They were promoting that movie of theirs and stuff like that. I had lunch with Joey today. Got all caught up on the Nsync news. There’s a bunch of tension between Justin and JC, I guess, something about writing songs and that choreographer of theirs, I guess. I don’t know, didn’t really understand but its not really a big deal apparently. Just bickering. JC is jealous. Chris still isn’t over his break-up. I feel bad for him. He’s taking it so hard. I wish he was in the area. I haven’t seen Chris in forever. Joey told me all about his daughter. He seems really happy. You still there?” “Yeah.” “Want me to stop talking about Nstink?” “No, no, that’s okay. Kevin would kill you if he knew you were hanging with the enemy.” “Would not. He’d kill you if you were ‘hanging with the enemy’. I can do whatever I want.” “Yeah.” “Well? What’s new in the world of Nick Carter?” “Not much. I’m back home for a few days. I saw AJ yesterday. He seems to be actually getting better.” “Of course he is Nick. AJ is going to be great. You’ll see.” “Yeah.” Nick wasn’t so sure. “So, I went to a whole bunch of fund-raising events for DLF this afternoon,” Howie always knew the best time to change the subject. Nick never knew. “They all went well. Then like I say, I went to this party. It was a good party, lots of people, great food. Joey and Lance were just getting started when I left. Accused me of getting old because I was skipping out so early but I had -” “Why did you leave early?” “So that I would be home for your call.” “Oh.” “Then I said -” “I guess I’m pretty predictable.” “Nicky. You call every night at 12:30. So...well...yeah.” “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to bother you.” “No! Nicky, you are never bothering me. I love talking to you. You know that. I skipped out on that party because I would rather talk to you!” Nick stared at his feet and played with a string on his shirt. He wasn’t sure what to say to that. He didn’t know if he even believed Howie. Why would Howie rather talk to him than hang out at a party that he had said was great? Nick didn’t even have anything interesting to talk about. He picked at the string, trying to think of the right thing to say, and coming up blank, hearing only Howie’s quiet breathing through the phone. “Nick?” He wrapped the string around his finger until the tip began to turn blue. “I miss you.” That wasn’t really what Nick had meant to say. “I miss you too Nicky. I’ll see you soon though, ok?” Nick pulled the string from his shirt and watched his finger begin to turn purple. “Listen. You had better call me tomorrow. I’m gonna be waiting. Don’t stand me up.” Nick touched his fingertip. It was cold. “Nick? Are you listening to me?” “Yes,” Nick mumbled. “Call me tomorrow, all right? I’m going out to dinner with Lance, but I’ll be home in time for your call. Promise me.” “I promise.” “Get some sleep, Nicky.” Nick hung up the phone and unwrapped the string from his finger. The blood rushed back into the tip turning it from purple to red and back to pink. Nick didn’t call Howie the next night. Nick went to visit Brian in Atlanta, but ended up spending more time with Brian’s dogs than he did with Brian. Brian was always busy, with Leigh Anne, with his family, and with his brother whom he was trying to get a record deal for. That was how Brian dealt. He immersed himself in his other life. The part of his life that wasn’t the Backstreet Boys. It was a good idea, except Nick didn’t have another life to immerse himself in. The Backstreet Boys were his life. Nick knew that Brian had been mad. He was mad at AJ for letting it get out of hand, mad at AJ for hurting them, but mostly mad at AJ for hurting himself. Now, Nick knew that Brian was proud. He had been visiting AJ weekly and he saw the progress AJ was making and he knew that AJ had done the right thing, had taken responsibility, was getting better, and so Brian was proud of him. “This is the best thing that AJ could have done. This is going to be so great for him.” Nick was lounging on Brian’s couch in shorts and an old T-shirt. Tyke was curled up at his feet. He had been watching some MTV show about an obnoxious girl who wanted to become Britney Spears but he muted it when Brian bounded into the room. Brian took in Nick laying across the couch and waved his arms to indicate that Nick should move his legs. Nick had no intentions of moving and Brian shrugged, sitting down on Nick’s legs and wiggling all around to get comfortable. “He looks so much better. You can just tell. He looks healthy. I never realized but he hadn’t looked healthy in so long that it had just become normal. He even sounds better. I’m so glad he is doing this.” Brian had just gotten back from visiting AJ that afternoon. He smiled at Nick and pulled Tyke into his lap. The dog didn’t seem too happy at being disturbed but soon curled up in Brian’s lap and fell back asleep. Nick’s legs were starting to fall asleep too. “I’m thinking about cooking us dinner tonight. Don’t look at me like that, I can cook. I think.” Yeah, Kraft Dinner maybe. “Anyway, Leigh is having a ladies night out, whatever that is supposed to mean, so it’s just you and me. You have no choice. Whatever I cook you have to at least try, okay?” “Sure, Bri.” Nick’s legs were starting to get to the pins and needles stage. He was just about to push Brian off when he noticed that Brian was staring at him. Nick stared back. Brian reached out and brushed the back of his hand along Nick’s cheek. Whoa. Okay, what was going on here? “You’re so grown up now Nick. We’re all so grown up.” Holy subject change, Batman. “I’ve been telling you how proud I am of AJ, but I want you to know that I’m proud of you too.” With that, Brian got up and left the room with his dog. Nick stared at the empty doorway and wondered what had gotten into his friend. Nick had been right. They had macaroni and cheese for dinner. Brian tried to make some kind of chicken dish involving cream of mushroom soup and stuffing, but something went wrong. Brian wouldn’t tell Nick what had happened but there was a strange odor lingering in the kitchen. After dinner the two sat out on Brian’s patio, watching the sun set in the reflection off the pool. The dogs were chasing each other around the yard and Nick thought that it had been a good idea to come visit Brian after all. “It’s been almost four years and we have never really talked about it.” Talked about what? Oh. That. Nick didn’t know what to say, so he stared at the reflection of the setting sun in the ripples of the pool. “I feel really bad about the way that I handled it Nick. I practically laughed in your face. I was surprised. I had no idea. I never meant to hurt you like that.”’ “I thought you had forgotten” “No, of course not. I was groggy at the time having just come out of surgery and all but I wasn’t that out of it. You just always seemed like you wanted to forget it so I didn’t bring it up again. That probably wasn’t the best idea. You were depressed for so long afterward and I wanted to help you but you didn‘t want me near you and I didn‘t know what to do.” “It hurt so much, Brian.” “It hurt me too Nick. I wish that I could love you like that. I still do wish it sometimes. But I can’t. And Leigh is my world. And I want you to have that, Nick.” “Brian, I -” “Was it just me Nick? I mean...I can’t believe we never talked about this. I feel like I don’t know my best friend at all. What I’m trying to say is...You are gay, Nick, aren’t you?” Nick looked away and nodded. He wasn’t really sure where Brian was going with this and he wished Brian would pull out another giant subject change because he might start to cry soon. “Okay, I just needed to know, because there was Mandy and all, but then AJ and -” Nick’s head shot up. “AJ?” Brian studied his hands, rolling his wedding ring around and around his finger. “Well, yeah, after everything, you sort of started clinging to AJ and you got this look when you were around him and I just thought that well...that was sort of the way you used to look at me.” “Oh.” Maybe Brian wasn’t as unobservant as Nick often thought he was. Brian continued playing with his ring. “I was really jealous at first.” Nick smiled. “Really?” “Yeah, you were replacing me.” “I’m not going to ever replace you Brian.” “I know.” Nick moved to get out of his chair, but Brian put a restraining hand on his arm. “Wait Nick. I’m not finished yet.” Nick sat back down and continued to look anywhere but at Brian. “I don’t know how to say this without sounding...well...harsh, but here goes. I want you to have what I have Nick. But I think you may be looking in all the wrong places. I love you Nick, you know that, but I can’t love you the way you wanted me too. The way you needed me too. And AJ is going through a lot right now. I don’t think he is really capable of giving you what you need, now, if ever. He needs to look after himself. He needs to take care of himself for awhile. I know you probably won’t listen to me and you think I’m prying into your life and I’m acting like Kevin but I just don’t want you to get hurt again.” Nick was going to cry again. “And there is one more thing. I’ve been watching what’s been going on and I think you are missing something very important. I said that you are looking for love in all the wrong places, and I really think you are, but I don’t think you are that far off. You’re close Frack. You just need to open your eyes.” Oh no. Nick couldn’t help it anymore. When a single tear rolled down his cheek he didn’t even bother to move to wipe it off. Brian hadn’t called him Frack in a long time. Brian got out of his seat and moved to kneel beside Nick on the patio. He reached out and wiped the tear from Nick’s cheek, cupping Nick’s chin in his palm. “What are you doing here Nick?” Nick just stared blankly at Brian. What kind of question was that? He wasn’t allowed to visit his friend? “Howie called for you. He had to track you down. He told Leigh that you disappeared without saying where you were going and that you weren’t returning his calls.” Nick tried to turn away but Brian stopped him with a fierce hug. Nick thought Brian might be trying to make him pass out by cutting off his air circulation. After a few moments Nick hugged back. They sat that way for awhile, Nick crying on Brian’s shoulder. Finally Brian stood and tousled Nick’s hair. “I have to go feed the dogs. Call Howie. It’s not nice to ignore your friends.” Nick went to visit AJ the next day. AJ looked good. Healthy, happy, and rested. He pulled Nick into a warm embrace upon greeting and led him to the a bench in the center of a large garden. The area was pretty in that contrived peaceful way that gardens at nursing homes can be pretty. “Rob thinks it’s a good idea for me to take off a few more weeks before going back on tour. You know, time to just chill at home, get back into real life.” “That’s probably a good idea.” “I’m calling a phone meeting tomorrow to discuss it with the rest of the fellas.” Nick nodded. “It’ll be good to have a few days down time at home with my dogs, and Sarah. We have a lot of catching up to do. I can’t believe she stuck through this with me. We were only dating a few months before I decided that I needed to do this.” Sarah was AJ’s relatively new girlfriend. She had gone out with them quite a few times on tour and Nick thought she was pretty and easy to get along with. Nick hadn’t thought that they were very serious, but perhaps he had been wrong. “I hope this all works out. I think it will. I want this so badly, Nick. Maybe if I want it so much and I believe that I can fix myself, then I really can. I’m sober and I think I’m strong enough now to stay that way, Nick. And I’m going to do it for her, and for you guys, but mostly I’m going to do it for myself.” Nick smiled. He believed AJ. AJ could do it. He also believed Brian. AJ needed to focus on AJ right now. He didn’t need to worry about Nick, or take care of Nick, or to love Nick. Brian was right. Maybe Brian was right about everything. Maybe there was something that Nick wasn’t seeing. But what? It was the first performance since AJ had come out of rehab. The five of them were back together again. After the show Nick piled into the van with Howie and AJ, jumping between the two in the middle seat, practically landing in Howie’s lap. “Ow!“ Howie exclaimed, “Geez, Nicky. Get off me, would ya? You’re too big to be jumping all over me like that. There is a whole back seat you know.” Nick babbled an apology, shifting a little but remaining between his two friends, his arms flung over Howie and AJ’s shoulders. He knew Howie wasn’t as annoyed as he pretended to be. He was just trying to make Nick feel bad for laughing at his hair all night long. He might have been trying to make Nick feel bad for ignoring him for three weeks too. He hadn’t spoken to Howie in weeks, since before Howie had returned from Toronto. Nick frowned. Howie had every right to be mad about that, and he didn’t need to try to make Nick feel bad about that because he already felt terrible. AJ looked at Nick and grinned, causing Nick’s own smile to return. Nick broke away from AJ and began absently running his fingers through Howie’s new hair. He made fun of it, but Nick loved Howie’s hair. Especially when there was no gel in it to prevent it from being naturally soft and curly and so nice to just touch. Howie rolled his eyes and turned to stare out the tinted window of the van, but let Nick continue. That was a good sign, right? Howie couldn’t be that mad. “I don’t know how you’d handle it if we broke up.” Nick turned quickly to look at AJ. “I’ll handle it just fine. But why worry about it. It’s never going to happen. We’re gonna be together forever, the five of us.” AJ reached up to shuffle Nick’s hair and laughed as Nick feigned annoyance. “Nick. Hey, Nick. I was only kidding. No one is going anywhere. I love ya, bro. And always will. That is one thing you can always count on.” With that, AJ jumped out of the van, grabbed his bag and headed into the hotel, smiling and waving at the fans. Nick sat, a huge grin on his face. AJ had said that he loved Nick. AJ always said that, and it didn’t mean anything, but usually it gave Nick hope. Now Nick felt nothing, and he had never been happier. Howie began shoving him toward the door. “Let’s go Nicky, I want to get inside. I have a party to get to,” He shoved Nick again. “Come on!” Howie was going to a party? Nick grabbed his bag and headed for the hotel. Once inside he followed AJ and Howie to the elevator and waited to be deposited on their floor. On the way up AJ and Howie laughed about the girl in the second row that had been holding a very inappropriate sign about Kevin. “Kev almost fell off the stage when he saw that!” “The old man completely lost his cool.” The elevator doors opened and the three exited onto their floor. AJ squeezed Howie’s shoulder and stopped to unlock his door. Nick and Howie continued down the hall. “You are going to a party tonight?” “Yeah. Why? Wanna come?” “Um, no thanks. Are you in a big rush to get out of here?” “Not really, no.” Howie reached his door and stopped, waiting for Nick to get to the point. “Can we talk for a few minutes? “Sure, come on in.” Howie opened the door and held out his arm for Nick to enter. Nick sat in the chair by the window. Howie sat on the edge of the bed nearest Nick. “So, what’s on your mind?” “I guess I just wanted to apologize.” Nick studied the room service menu on the table beside him. “Apologize? For what? Promising you will call me in a day and then avoiding me for three weeks?” “Um, yeah. That. Really Howie, I don’t know what was wrong with me.” “I think I might know. It didn’t make any sense Nick. We were talking every day. Every day. And then suddenly you disappear off the face of the earth. I was really hurt. I couldn’t figure out what I had done -” “You didn’t do anything.” Howie held up a hand for Nick to stop. “Let me finish. Like I say, I couldn’t figure it out. It was so sudden. Then I realized, I have been so obvious. I should have known you’d figure it out sooner or later. You aren’t an oblivious little kid anymore.” What was he talking about? Nick put down the room service menu and stared blankly at Howie, who was looking everywhere but at Nick. “I’m sorry Nicky. I wanted to tell you so badly and I knew that I shouldn’t and so I waited. You had Brian and you had AJ,” Nick frowned. Did everyone know everything about him? Was he that easy to read? “and as you probably know there isn’t really an easy way to tell one of your best friends that you are in love with him. ‘Hey, I’m deeply madly in love with you, but don’t let the fact that I have daily fantasies about you ruin our friendship, kay?’ I tried to show you instead, but you never seemed to get it. You know how hard it is. Of all people you should know, and I thought you’d handle it a little better, honestly.” Nick’s mouth dropped open. Howie had fantasies about him? Howie was deeply madly in love with him? Nick stood. Howie looked like he was about to cry. “I’m such an idiot.” Howie looked up at Nick for the first time since the conversation had begun. Nick sat down beside Howie on the bed and put his head in his hands. Nick was an idiot. How could he not have seen? Even Brian saw and Nick had thought that Brian was one of the most unobservant people he knew. If Brian was unobservant then Nick was completely blind. Nick had been blind for years. Howie had been there all along and Nick had completely taken him for granted. “Nick?” Howie placed a hesitant hand on Nick’s arm, but it felt like Howie had pulled something in Nick’s heart. Nick must have made a sudden movement because Howie quickly withdrew. “I’m sorry.” Howie said it so quietly that Nick thought he had imagined it at first. He looked up to see Howie watching him. “Howie -” Nick leaned in and gently kissed Howie causing him to gasp, surprised. Nick kept the kiss light, savoring the contact and letting Howie’s mouth do wonderful things to his body before pulling away in order to gage Howie’s reaction. Howie was looking at him with a mixture of confusion and slight betrayal. “Nick, please don’t play with me.” Howie pleaded. Nick smiled and took Howie’s hand, twining his fingers with Howie’s. Nick had always loved Howie, had always loved all of his boys, but there was love and then there was love and Nick had only just learned the difference. He thought he’d known it all along. He sang about it every night. Nick hadn’t known anything. But now, now Howie had touched him, had shown it all to him in a wonderful moment of clarity. Nick hadn’t been in love with Brian or AJ. He loved them, sure, but it was nothing like what he was feeling now. He had never felt this. Nick didn’t know how to make Howie see. He didn’t know how to show Howie that he wasn’t playing with him. Nick was done playing. Howie was still staring at him. Nick leaned in to kiss Howie again but Howie pulled back, a look of surprise on his face, and was that disgust? “What about AJ, Nick?” Nick didn’t know why Howie was asking him about AJ. Nick didn’t care about AJ. All he cared about at the moment was Howie, and making Howie his. “You’ve been pining after AJ for years now and then you realize that I want you so you avoid me completely. And now, what? You’re bored and AJ will never put out for you so you’ll settle for Howie instead? I don’t think so, Nick. You don’t know what you want, you want Brian, you want AJ, hell, you probably even wanted Kevin at one point. You’re just going down the line, aren’t you.” “What? No, Howie, I-I love you.“ Howie’s eyes widened. Nick wasn’t sure what was going on, he had to get through to Howie. He tried to move closer but Howie just kept moving further away, edging off the bed and standing beside it. His eyes were shining and Nick was afraid that he was close to tears. “It’s too late, Nicky,” Howie choked out. “What? How can it-“ “I’m sorry Nick, I’ve been here for years, waiting for you to get over your crushes and notice me. I’ve told myself to move on, told myself over and over again but I couldn’t do it. When you stopped returning my phone calls it made me realize that I’ve been stupid. I was wasting my life waiting for you to figure out what you wanted. You weren’t there, Nick. But Lance was. Lance was there, he let me cry on his shoulder when you turned yours from me. “Lance.” What was Howie saying? He hardly knew Lance Bass. “Yes, Lance. It’s only been three weeks, but I’m finally happy, Nick. Finally,” Howie was a little choked up, but he smiled when he said this and Nick felt himself begin to panic. “Howie, No. You can be happy with me. We can be happy together, please Howie. Don’t end this before it even starts.” Nick pleaded, reaching for Howie, grabbing at his arm. Howie looked apologetically at Nick. “I’ll always love you, Nick. But I love Lance too and right now I need to try this. I want this.” Nick felt the tears brim over and begin spilling down his face as Howie quietly left Nick alone in his hotel room. Howie was gone. Howie was in love with Lance Bass and he was gone and Nick had screwed up. Nick had been blind and stupid and self absorbed. He slowly got up and stumbled out of Howie’s room. The hall was empty. Where had Howie gone? To that party to see Lance, that’s where. He went to congratulate Lance on all of the awards that Nick was sure ‘Nsync had taken home. Howie had left to love Lance. Nick began pounding on the door across the hall. He wasn’t positive who’s room it was but he knew it had to be one of theirs. After a few seconds Brian opened the door and ushered a crying Nick into his room. He ran his hands over Nick’s face, wiping off the tears and whispering comforting things. “Howie’s with Lance Bass,” Nick whispered pitifully. “I know.” Nick made a choked noise and sank to the floor. Brian followed and settled beside him. “At least it’s not Justin Timberlake, right?” Brian smiled a little, trying to lighten the mood just a bit, but Nick just started sobbing again. Brian sighed and wrapped his arms around his friend. “He should be with me Brian. I love him.” “I know you do Nick. And Howie loves you, but he needs this now. He needs to try it. And I think you know what you need to do,” Brian was running his hands through Nick’s hair as he spoke and it was soothing and reminded Nick of his mother. Nick wanted to go home. Maybe that’s what he should do. That’s what he needed. Then Nick realized what Brian was saying and looked up at him with wet eyes. “I’m going to wait. It’s my turn.” Brian smiled, but didn’t reply. It was Nick’s turn to wait. Howie and Lance wouldn’t last forever, and when it ended Nick would still be here, waiting for Howie, just as Howie had been waiting for him. Brian had been right. Nick had been looking in all the wrong places. He had looked for far too long and now that he’d finally found what he wanted, he wasn’t going to let go. He’d just wait for it to come back to him. Back/Home/Feedback