Love is a fiery beast
that Consumes your Cynical Self.
It makes you act stupid,
start to trust, forget to act
Tough.

And I was in it and he said,
I swear I won't have
sex with you, just lying here
is
enough.

and I believed him.

But, he did anyway
he pounded into me
over
and
over
again
and I didn't know
when it would end.

but, it did

and he collapsed his Sweaty,
Sex-Sticky
Body
On me
and said,
baby,
I love you
and I looked at the ceiling
and thought,
fuck, now whadda we do?

cause there wasn't no protection
between me and him
no Little piece of rubber
between My insides
and his skin

I was scared when the bleeding
didn't start
went to dorm bathroom, test in hand
hammering heart

sat down on the toilet
but my muscles clenched so tight
I couldn't go
thinking about that piece of plastic
that would tell me
yes or
no

And the couple of minutes you wait
for it to tell you your life's ending
are the longest few minutes in your life
that you'll ever be spending
and two pink lines
the sign
of doom impending.

He said
I'll marry you
quit school
work for some corporate bank
I thought a minute
about how we'd come to Hate each other
and the kid that Ruined our lives
and said, no thanks.

It's funny cause when I was in high school
I always called myself pro-choice
saying, I would never do it myself
but who am I to deny anyone else.
But it's amazing what you'll do
when you're walking in those shoes
of being 18
and him just 21
and you're both so young
and your life has just begun
and maybe Someday you'll make a Really great mom
but that day
Is not
This one

In front of the clinic doors
a big, burly man
and he frisks me down
makes sure I am who I
say I am
and I'm Fucking Scared enough
without his hands
reminding me, that right to life
is just Bullshit , a scam;
A Fetus is worth more to them
than a clinic
full of Women.

the tiles on the floor
are like a million I've seen before
but I trace each line
like maybe the next time
they won't make a square
and maybe this will all just be
a nightmare

But each tile is exactly the same
and eventually
they call
my name

I sit on the table in my crinkly paper gown
and wait for the moment when the nurse tells me
It's time
Lie down
but, instead she just keeps on talking to me
saying, oh you're from NY, ever go to the city?
I want to scream, shut the fuck up
let me freak out in peace
But instead I smile weakly and say,
Yeah, Manhattan's really nice

and she starts telling me
about how she's never been
and I'm sorta glad we're talking about it
And then
He comes in

and I know all about the procedure
what they're gonna do
they think telling about the
pinch and the suction
might
Prepare you
but there's really nothing
they can accurately
compare it to.

and they never tell you about
the
Roar
of the machine
so loud
It Drowns
out my Screams

And maybe *you* call this "a pinch"
I don't know what YOUR cramps
are like
but this is the
Worst
Fucking
Cramp
I've ever had
In my
Life.

And then
It's over

The tears that have flowed down
and rolled off my cheeks
have plastered my hair to my head
and my nose is running
and my
Cunt
is running
and I think morbidly, between sobs of
Oh god, oh god,
You know, this is the first time since we fucked
that I've bled.

She hands me a tissue box
tells me to blow my nose
I do
but it doesn't make the tears stop
they trickle out my eyes, like water from a leaky
garden hose.

And she tells me,
Don't sit up yet,
you might pass out
but I can't really even move
so I don't know what she's
talking about

and finally, she helps me sit up
then she helps me to stand
and I shuffle down the hallway
with a pad between my tired thighs
to keep the blood from dripping
gripping her hand.

The room is full of girls
all lined up in a row
each with a cracker and a dixie cup of water,
taking pills for the pain,
waiting for the nurses to tell them
Ok, you can go.

I guess I'm lucky when I leave the clinic
cause there's no one there to greet me, no angry mob.
All the protestors have gone to lunch
I guess shouting Murderer all day
is a really hard job.

He takes me home
and takes really good care of me
For all the terrible things I have to say about Jack
I have to at least give him that.

But, see the recovery doesn't end
when you exit through the clinic door
it's not over when the Bleeding stops
The Mental stuff went on for months- maybe more.

And I just gave Jack some credit,
but now I'll take it away.
The Fucking Bastard
he broke up with me
On
mother's day.

And you know, I was so pathetic,
I chased that shit for another year
trying to win him back
I really thought the only person
who could understand and love me
was Jack.

He really fucked with my head
now I'm damaged goods
But at least Now I know
the stuff I Should

And that is that

Love is a fiery beast
That Consumes your Cynical Self
It makes you act stupid,
start to trust, forget to act
Tough.

So now I'm more wary of it
More careful with body
and with my heart
cause one mistake
was More
than
Enough.