Even from 50 feet away Chris can see the way Justin's glowing towards Nelly.

Chris has always thought of it as glowing. He could tell whenever Justin was looking at him like that by the way his face would start to feel so warm, like it was under photoshoot lights. Justin's eyes would be big shiny pools of heat and Chris could feel the gaze on him even when he didn't look back. The look of love, Joey called it. Chris was under it for about three years, and sometimes after that, even after Justin had already given in to Britney's. Nelly's under it now and Chris is only a little jealous. Mostly he's happy that Nelly's grinning back at Justin like he doesn't even notice how hot Justin's gaze is and what that means.

Chris stops staring at just Justin, because it's only making him wistful and he hates feeling shit like that. Instead he focuses out on the bigger picture: Nelly's got his arm around Murphy Lee in a familiar gesture and Murphy Lee is grinning up at him like he's the best thing he's ever seen. Chris glances back and forth, sees the twin expressions on Murphy Lee and Justin's faces, and suddenly he gets it and knows why Nelly doesn't flinch under the heat.

Chris watches Murphy Lee and Nelly and remembers exactly, his arm around Justin, Justin grinning up at him, and Chris always thinking, later.

There's a shift and Murphy Lee looks over at Justin and suddenly Murphy Lee's getting it too, seeing his own thoughts reflected in Justin's eyes. His face falls and he turns his head away, catching Chris' eye.

Chris crosses the room and slings his arm around Justin's shoulders. Justin grins down at him, eyes still all full of warmth, and it's almost like old times. Almost. He meets Murphy Lee's eyes again and they smile tightly at each other.

Murphy Lee comes in, sits on the edge of Nelly's bed. Nelly reaches up, tugs on one of his dreds, says, "What up, dirty?"

Murphy Lee tosses his hair out of Nelly's grasp, shrugs. He's been thinking about that afternoon all night, can't stop seeing the way Justin looked at Nelly, over and over in his mind like a DJ scratching a record. He can't help it, says, "Justin in love wit you."

Nelly makes a face like it's the funniest shit he's heard all day. He grabs back for the dred, swings it into Murphy Lee's face. "Shut up, he ain't."

"He is," Murphy Lee says.

"How you know?" Nelly looks unconvinced. Murphy Lee thinks he looks like he might like the idea if it wasn't so damn funny.

"I just do, trust me. He like dudes. He like you," Murphy Lee says, shrugging like it's no big deal. His heart's pounding just from saying this much.

Nelly shakes his head, grinning, makes a noise like he thinks it's total crap. "Murph, you don't know nothin about that shit."

Murphy Lee looks away, then decides to go for it cause this is the perfect opportunity. Fuck if he's gonna let that slip by when there just ain't a whole lot of perfect times to do this. He looks back at Nelly, says, "I know about that shit," makes sure there's no mistake about what he means.

Nelly stops smiling. "You fo real?"

Murphy Lee licks his lips. "Yeah. I know all about that shit. And he in love wit you."

"You been wit dudes?" Nelly says, serious now, because this is serious. Murphy Lee's never had this conversation with anyone, not even Kyjuan, who maybe suspected a few years back but never said.

"Yeah, I been wit a few," Murphy Lee says, not meeting Nelly's eyes, because he's scared of what will be in them. It ain't like Nelly would kick him out for that shit, but he doesn't want to see anything bad in Nelly's eyes for him ever. He keeps his head down.

"You bein careful? You protectin youself?"

"Yeah," Murphy Lee says, head down still. Nelly pushes him until he looks up. Nelly stares at him like he doesn't believe him, but Murphy Lee doesn't lie to Nelly, ever, except for not telling before now. "I swear, no doubt, Nelly. I swear."

Nelly nods. Murphy Lee can tell he believes him cause Nelly knows he'd never lie to him. He wouldn't. Murphy Lee feels nervous all up and down inside, but Nelly's just looking worried not mad. He figures that that's a good sign at least. He takes a deep breath. "We cool?" he asks.

"C'mere," Nelly says. Murphy Lee swivels to lie in bed next to Nelly, careful to keep a distance, not to touch him this time, cause who knows what Nelly thinks now. Nelly doesn't touch him either, says, "We cool, dirty, we cool."

Chris watches Murphy Lee's face as Nelly leads Justin out of the room and it's somewhere between scared shitless and anticipating. He's fidgeting and trying not to look through the door after them. Chris crosses over to him because he knows what it's like to watch the person you love go off with a person who loves them too. He also knows what it's like to lose them to that person. He says, "You know Justin wants him, right?"

Murphy Lee looks up and nods noncommittally. "Yeah, I know. Nelly know too now. I told him last night. He gonn confront him right now."

Chris nods knowingly and says, "You tell him that you want him too?"

Murphy Lee doesn't say anything and doesn't meet Chris' eyes.

"Justin usually gets what he wants," Chris says. Murphy Lee scowls and just then he reminds Chris so much of Justin from years gone by that Chris has to fight back an urge to put his arm around Murphy Lee's shoulders and pull him in close. Instead he nudges Murphy Lee and says, "You gotta give Nelly a choice, man. He only knows half his options right now."

Murphy Lee keeps his eyes trained on the door, still not meeting Chris' eyes. Chris says, "You gotta tell him, Murph."

Murphy Lee looks him over once, twice. He says, "Yeah, why's that?"

Chris doesn't say anything else and his eyes automatically flicker over to the door Justin went through. Murphy Lee follows his gaze and nods his head a little. He looks back at Chris, directly in the eyes, and says, "Why, cause you want Justin for youself?"

Chris coughs and licks his lips, doesn't look away.

Murphy Lee grins and says, "A'ight, then," punching Chris on the arm before he turns to follow Justin and Nelly. Chris watches him leave and starts planning what he can say to Justin later, because he can see the determination in Murphy Lee's shoulders and this is the scene that never happened for him and Justin but he knows how it would've gone if it had ever played out.

Murphy Lee opens the door, takes a deep breath. Justin and Nelly are standing only a few feet apart, but he can't tell if it's cause they're mad or if it's cause they're about to kiss. He charges in, cause fuck if he's gonna watch them kiss.

"Murph," Nelly says when he sees him. His voice sounds funny. Justin turns to stare hard at him. Murphy Lee almost takes a step back, but he didn't come up on the streets of St. Louis to be scared off by some white boy in love. He stares back at Justin. Nelly steps away from Justin, watching Murphy Lee.

"I ain't tell you everything," Murphy Lee says. Nelly glances at Justin, licks his lips, says, "Yeah?"

Murphy Lee takes another deep breath, almost chickens out. He can feel Justin's eyes still burning on him, can still hear Chris' voice in his head. Justin ain't getting what's his if he can help it, so he just goes for it.

"Yeah. He ain't the only one in love wit you," he says, tipping his head towards Justin on the 'he,' eyes always on Nelly. He swallows hard, hopes that will be enough. He doesn't have much else planned. His face feels hot as hell, but Nelly nods, licks his lips again. Murphy Lee thinks that yeah, that was enough.

"Nelly," Justin breaks in, puts his hand on Nelly's chest. Nelly's eyes go down to the hand, away from Murphy Lee's gaze.

Murphy Lee steps towards Justin, thinks about pushing him real hard, cause he doesn't know what else to do. Gets close enough to, then Justin's turning like he might push right back, like they're going to have a cat-fight over Nelly right there in front of him, like they're some crazy ghetto bitches.

Instead, Nelly pushes them both, one with each hand. "How you gonn try an make me choose between y'all right here right now," Nelly says. "You both my dirties. I ain't playin this triangle shit like we in grade school." He stops, shaking his head. "Y'all can fight after I leave," he spits, pushing past them.

Murphy Lee breathes out hard, looks at Justin. Justin's glaring at him, looking pissed as anything. He always liked Justin before, but he says, "Remember who goin home wit him."

Justin comes in, sits on Chris' bed, and sighs. "I think I fucked up with Nelly today. It was. I," he stops, sighs again, and settles for, "Murphy Lee is in love with him."

"I know," Chris says, watching Justin's eyes, because he can always tell everything he needs to know about Justin by looking right there.

"How did you know?"

Chris considers his words carefully, then decides fuck it, because this is the perfect opportunity and he's passed on too many of those, thinking later, some other time. Later never came because he never just fucking did it and he's tired of waiting for it to happen. Chris says, "Because he was looking at Nelly the way you used to look at me."

"How did I look at you?" Justin has a veil over his eyes, but Chris keeps going anyway.

"Like you were in love," he says, and it's officially the first time they've ever talked about it.

Justin nods and exhales like he's thinking about it being the first time too. The veil isn't gone and he says evenly, "I was."

"I know," Chris says and pauses. "Me too."

Justin knits his eyebrows together and Chris licks his lips. "Why--"

"Because, Justin," Chris cuts in. "You were 15. And then you were 16. And then when you were finally old enough, you were busy with Britney," he finishes, and it's not bitter, really, but a little resigned, maybe. He wishes it didn't sound either, but can't help the way he feels, even four years later.

Justin stares at him. Chris returns the gaze and doesn't look away. Justin looks away first, down at his hands in his lap. "I think he's gonna choose Murphy Lee," he says quietly.

"Yeah. He is." Justin looks back up at Chris sharply and Chris continues slowly, "Because. I think maybe Nelly's been waiting for Murphy Lee to finally be old enough, too."

Something flickers behind Justin's eyes and Chris smiles ruefully, watching them soften into a familiar smile. Chris' heart beats in the old way and his face feels warm. "You're giving me the look," he says quietly.

"You're giving me the look," Justin responds, not breaking the stare this time.

"I know," Chris says and touches Justin's cheek.

Murphy Lee pushes open the door, looks at Nelly lying in bed, arms up, hands folded behind his head. He's watching the door like he knew Murphy Lee'd show up. Prolly did. Murphy Lee looks around the room, waits for Nelly to say something. He doesn't, doesn't stop staring at him either. Murphy Lee swallows hard, knows he's gotta do this shit if things are gonna be right again.

"Sorry for tryin'a make you choose," Murphy Lee says, staring back now. "It wun't supposed to be like that. I just had to tell you fore you--"

Nelly nods twice at him, real slow, doesn't say anything, tips his head towards the bed. Quick as that, Murphy Lee's climbing into the bed like usual, like the past two days never happened, like he ain't got nothing to be scared of or ashamed of or sorry for. He goes to lie on his side like usual, away from Nelly's body still, cause Nelly invited him into his bed, not to be all up on him. Murphy Lee's not about to confuse the two, cause if he does he might never get back here.

Nelly grabs his shoulder as he's lying down, flips him so they're facing each other, close enough that Murphy Lee can almost count Nelly's eyelashes. He looks Nelly directly in the eyes, like he might actually start counting. Nelly doesn't look away. His eyes look warm.

"You ain't mad," Murphy Lee says.

"Naw," Nelly says, touches a hand to Murphy Lee's cheek. "Naw, I ain't mad."





for Julia