AJ had never been inside as a visitor before, and found he had to just look at the place for a minute before he could even get himself to go up to the front desk. The arrangements for him to come here had been made over the phone; he'd just shown up, stayed, and left when he was ready. Nothing before, after, or in between.
"Mr. McLean," the desk clerk said. He didn't recognize her, and didn't know if she simply recognized him, or remembered him from his time here. Either way he figured he must looking all right because there was no concern in her eyes that he was there to readmit himself. "How are you doing?"
"Good, good," he said, confident in the truth of that. "Never been better. I'm actually here to see--"
"Nick," she finished for him, and of course she knew that. Not only was it her job, but it was obvious. "You're earlier than he was expecting."
"I managed to get bumped to an earlier flight. That all right? If he's busy, I can wait. I got nowhere else to be." He looked back at the bench behind him and thought about the people he'd left waiting there, when they'd come to see him.
"No," she said slowly, glancing down at the schedule in front of her. "No, but he probably won't be in his room. He'll be out back this early in the afternoon."
"By the water, I'm guessing," said AJ, smiling when she confirmed that with a nod. "It all right if I just go out there?"
"It'll be a nice surprise," she said with a nod. "He's been looking forward to seeing you. You remember the way?"
"All too well," said AJ, more quietly than they'd been speaking. "Thanks." He gave her a wave and headed down the hallway, to the glass double doors at the back that led onto the grounds. The pool wasn't far down the winding path, surrounded by artificially grown foliage but still a pretty and relaxing place.
Nick was sitting on the grass near the concrete deck, legs crossed beneath him and arms resting on his knees, leaning forward and just staring out at the water.
"Hey," said AJ quietly as he approached, trying not to startle him.
Nick looked back over his shoulder and, to AJ's relief, smiled as soon as he saw him. Already he looked ten times better than the last time AJ had seen him, but still he looked tired and worn and a little scared.
"Thanks," he said. "For coming, like this. I know I haven't given you much reason lately to want to come and see me."
"Oh, like hell," scoffed AJ. "Of course I'd come." Nick made no motion to get up, so AJ just sat down on the grass next to him. If it was him still, he'd want to go for a walk while they talked, but right there by the water was probably the one spot in the whole place where Nick was the most comfortable, and AJ was happy to give him at least that.
"You understand, right?" Nick said, wringing his hands in his lap. "Why I couldn't -- ?"
AJ lay one of his hands over both of Nick's and squeezed. "You had to come to terms with your own alcoholism before you could handle talking to someone else who's been there. Who is there." If Justin had been there, he would have already been saying something snarky about how AJ should stop giving textbook answers and just say what he was thinking. But Nick wasn't Justin, Nick was just quietly nodding his head. "How are you doing, Nicky?"
Nick smiled suddenly, but whether it was at the name or at something else, AJ couldn't say. "I never liked the desert much," he said softly, staring back at the water again. There was a long moment of silence. then he said, very firmly and clearly, "Twenty-three days," and didn't elaborate. He didn't need to.
"Man," said AJ, "will I sound like a condescending fucker if I tell you how proud I am of you right now?"
"A little," admitted Nick, finally looking him in the eye. "But that's okay. I'm a little proud of me, too. And angry and frustrated and impatient ... but sometimes proud."
AJ knew exactly what he meant by that, exactly what he had to be feeling inside to be describing it that way. Or, if not exactly, then at least close enough that he felt a stab of remembered pain.
"Every day it gets better," he said, squeezing Nick's hands again. "That's not just something they tell you, it's true. It's real. You can trust me on that."
"I hate you sometimes."
AJ stilled, the vehemence of that statement unexpected. At least he hadn't been completely unprepared for the sentiment itself.
"I mean, sometimes it really give me hope and strength that you've been here already and know what it's like and made it through," Nick went on after a long, awkward moment. "And sometimes I really fucking hate you that you're already there."
"So what is it right now, then?" AJ asked carefully.
"Strength," said Nick. "Definitely strength. It'll probably turn into hatred for a while right after you leave, though, so don't expect to hear from me for a little while."
"Fair enough," admitted AJ, forcing himself to accept that. If their positions had been reversed, he couldn't guarantee he wouldn't have done the same thing. "Just promise me it won't get in the way of your recovery."
"It won't," said Nick with a sigh. "I'll end up talking it out with someone and I'll work it out. I've been doing a lot of that. Talking."
"I don't doubt it," said AJ, remembering very well what it had been like. And remembering just how much better he'd felt about himself and everything when he'd come out, compared to when he'd gone in. "You only have to talk to me about whatever you want to."
"I'd rather listen, for now," said Nick unsurprisingly. "How's everyone? How's Sarah?"
"She's good, she's good," said AJ. "She's really rooting for you. Says to remind you that she knows where you're at, and she'll always make sure she's a safe place for you to be, when you're out again."
"That's sweet of her," said Nick quietly. AJ could imagine what was going through his head, how he was safe and protected right where he was, how the world outside was going to be a very harsh place. How he didn't want to have to try and cope with that yet. "I guess it's been really good for you to have her around, through this. Can't have been to easy for you ... "
"Well, no," he said honestly. Nick might have needed to be handled carefully, but he didn't need to be sheltered. There were probably already too many people, who'd never been where Nick was, trying to do just that. "Been worried about you. But I've been out at Jerry's a lot ... spending most of my time there, actually."
"That garage?" asked Nick. "With all the grease and the old cars? Seriously?" He'd never been there, had probably only heard AJ mention it a time or three.
"Seriously," said AJ, shrugging a little. Soon, Nick was probably gonna start to understand better just why AJ did it. "It's probably the best thing I coulda done for myself, found someone to talk to and something to keep my hands busy, all in one."
"And I guess you've had a lot of time on your hands ..."
"Yeah," he said, honest again. "We haven't done any group things at all, Nicky. Not until you're feeling up to it, however long that takes. Seriously. There's gonna be no pressure, when you come back."
Nick just nodded and gave him a weak smile. "Thanks," he said. "So, what, you've been out at Jerry's more than you've been with Sarah? This Jerry guy's wife hot or something?"
"No, it's not that," he said. "I've actually ... I made a new friend, I think."
"Jerry's wife?" repeated Nick curiously. "Is that some kinda euphemism or something? Don't tell me I need to keep a secret, AJ, I'm not really good at that right now."
"No, no, it's not Jerry's wife," he said. "Though she is kinda hot. You're not gonna believe me when I tell you who, though. Either that or you're going to hit me."
"I don't hit anymore," said Nick immediately. "It's a just another destructive outlet for my emotions. I'm working on that." The words tripped clumsily off Nick's tongue, like he wasn't used to using them, or using them in that way. This place taught people how to talk, and Nick seemed to be well on his way. "So tell me, who's this mystery person? Obviously someone I know ... "
"More or less," admitted AJ with a too-sharp nod. "It's Timberlake."
"Timberlake, as in Justin?" said Nick, turning his head to look at AJ with a sudden, disbelieving grin. "The diva himself?"
"He's not, actually. I ran into him when I was working on some stuff at Jerry's; he came in looking for a car."
"Huh," said Nick, taking another moment to really grasp that AJ was quite serious. "You weren't kidding when you said I wouldn't believe you. When Howie was here he told me all about the big breakup, that whole scandal ... "
AJ just sighed and started shaking his head before Nick had even finished talking. "That's pretty much blown over now," he said, first thing. "I mean, yeah, they broke up, and a few other details were right. But there was no scandal."
"Doesn't take much to make a scandal," mused Nick. "Just the suggestion that Justin Timberlake played for the other team would be enough to do it."
"Well, it was more than suggestion," snorted AJ. "Poor guy. Some chickenshit anonymous source outs him to the press and he's gotta face it smiling. Like we don't already have enough to deal with. It was quite a storm that first little while."
"That's gotta be rough," said Nick, pretty unemotionally, AJ thought. Probably nothing much seemed rougher right then than what he was going through. "He'd have to go pretty far underground with it. Even more than before."
"He *isn't* though," said AJ, with a frustrated grunt. "You'd think he would, but no. I mean, he's not out marching in a parade or anything, but he's not out with a pretty girl on his arm, either, trying to get rid of the lingering rumors. And I'm sure they're trying to get him to. Just the other night he was out at another club, picking up some guy. He told me all about it."
"Huh, that's interesting."
"What's that supposed to mean?" asked AJ, less accusing than just plain curious.
"It means it's interesting," said Nick with a little shrug.
"I ... guess," said AJ. "He's acting like, now that the cat's at least halfway out of the bag, he's gonna go with it. Never mind the way their people are trying to cover his ass."
"Interesting," Nick said, yet again. "You ever think that source might not have been so anonymous?"
"Well, obviously it was someone who know them, if that's what you're getting at," said AJ. "Justin's never said who it might be, though."
Nick shook his head a little. "You ever think Justin might've been trying to out himself?"
AJ hadn't, and he was sure it showed in the look of pure shock on his face. All the time he'd spent, as he got to know Justin better and better, resenting the person who'd done it. Who'd tried to do such damage to Justin's reputation. When all along, Justin might not have been looking at it as damaging at all.
"I dunno," Nick went on in the face of AJ's stunned silence. "I didn't see how the whole thing went down. But what I've heard ... it kinda sounds a little like it to me."
"Yeah," said AJ faintly. "Well, um, he's never said, if he did. Never even hinted. And we do talk a lot, when he's not busy. Which isn't that much 'cause they're taking it easy right now. Not running themselves into the ground."
"That's a good thing," said Nick, looking down at his hands and nodding. "You know, I'm not saying he did or anything. Just that sometimes, being so far removed from it all ... you see the whole picture just a little more clearly."
"Yeah," said AJ again, trying to clear his own head. "Well, I'll have to ask, next time I see him. He said to tell you hi, by the way. He wanted to come."
Nick turned to look at him, raising both eyebrows. He knew as well as AJ did that no casual acquaintance or even fledgling friend would offer to do that. And, AJ was sure, knew that Justin would have been coming for AJ's sake more than Nick's.
"Tell him thanks," said Nick finally, and unexpectedly began pushing himself to his feet. "It's getting too hot out here. Let's go inside."
AJ just went with it and silently followed him back towards the buildings, trying to push the whole thing to the back of his head. He was here for Nick, and thoughts about what he was going to say to Justin the moment he got back to Orlando could wait.