"I hurt," I said, to no one in particular. Which was good, because no one was really listening, groaning with aches and pains of their own. I was somewhat gratified to notice that even Justin wasn't immune to the rigors of our first rehearsal, leaning over with his hands on his knees and catching his breath, wincing every so often when he thought no one was looking. Lance was toweling off, sitting on the edge of the makeshift stage we were using for rehearsal, and I spotted JC using the phone, resting his forehead against the cool, concrete wall.
And we were only at the first break.
I leaned over and stretched my back and legs out one more time, then found my way to where Joey was sitting on the floor, he legs in a vee in front of him, stretching his body out. We'd already done the equivalent of a full show and, considering that, we were all holding up reasonably well, but we still had a long way to go before the day was over.
"Hey," I said, getting his attention without startling him. He looked like he'd tuned the world out, and maybe he had. He was slow to turn and look at me; his forehead and temples were still beaded with sweat, so I tossed him my towel with a smile. "How are you holding up?"
"As well as you," he said with a cocky grin. It was good to see a grin again, and that faint cockiness was a new thing, too, reminding me more of the old Joey than the new one. I hadn't seen them nearly enough lately, and not at all since yesterday. I still thought taking him to the Jive offices, taking him to see the overwhelming show of support--well, mostly support we assumed--for him, was premature. He was left reeling from it for the rest of the day.
"Oh, so you're about ready to pass out in a corner and beg for someone to dump ice on you?" I admitted. "Good to know." He pulled his knees up towards his chest and wrapped his arms around them, staring off into the distance for a moment. He'd done a lot of that yesterday, a lot of retreating into his own head to process what was going on. He'd insisted on bringing a bag of the mail home with him to get started on it, determined to answer every damn piece of it. It was a conviction I was betting would fade with time, but right now that bag of mail sat next to the kitchen table, waiting for us to find time to start on it.
"We are so outta shape," he moaned quietly after a long while. Obviously for my ears only. "Those walks did, like, nothing, did they?"
"I dunno," I said back, sliding to the floor next to him and pulling my own knees up so I could rest my head on them. "I kinda felt like they did a lot. Maybe not much to get us into touring shape, but still..." I turned my head to look at him, saw a slight smile on his face.
"Yeah, I guess they were good for that. But we may as well have just spent our mornings out on the back deck for all the good the exercise did us." He reached for his water bottle and took a long swig from it.
I rubbed the back of his neck for a moment as he hung his head toward his knees. "Just imagine what we'd be feeling like right now if we hadn't," I reminded him. "We'd be dead. We'd have collapsed in the middle of the stage. And Justin would be staring and pointing, because that's the kind of punk he is."
"More like he'd be doing one-handed pushups while lecturing me," corrects Joey without lifting his head. "I have nightmares about that kinda stuff, you know. Well, that and being in a room surrounded by a wall of vodka bottles and having to drink my way out. But that's one to pick Karen's brain about." "Well, Justin's flat on his back right now," I told him, taking a glance at the boy wonder. "Not a one-handed pushup in sight. So no worries on that count."
"I'm just thankful we don't have to sing while dancing today," he said. "I'd be a goner."
"No, we get to save that funness for tomorrow," I agreed. Of course, it was funness - it was what we did - but it was damn hard, too. "Muttering the words while doing those aerobics is much easier than singing them. Except Justin, who sings anyway."
"Justin would sing if he were trapped in a burning building," snorted Joey. "The guy doesn't stop." He looked towards Justin himself, for a moment, a bit of a fond smile on his face. "Hope he never does, either."
It wasn't until a few minutes later, when Joey had gotten up and headed for the phones, that I realized something. Since the day that Joey had been checked into rehab, I hadn't heard him sing.
I knew that seeing Jan Houseman show up at our rehearsal was a very bad sign. I knew it the moment I spotted her, standing near the door and leaning against the wall with a very serious expression on her face. The moment Wade called another break, she was striding into the room and heading straight for Joey. My body protested, but I forced it to intercept her before she could reach him.
"Hey," I said, wiping my forehead with the hem of my shirt; there hadn't been time to grab my towel before I'd taken off. "What's up?"
To her credit she did stop to face me, didn't just push past me in her haste to get to Joey. "He's made the papers," she said with a sigh. "They're reporting that he's fallen off the wagon already. It's not pretty."
"What?" I said, frowning. "He hasn't."
"Are you sure?" she asked. "He's been spotted in local clubs. Photographed, too. It doesn't look good." Her lips were pinched and her forehead was creased; she looked like she'd already been dealing with this a while today before she'd shown up here. The very fact that she'd come herself, that she hadn't just called him or sent an underling, meant that it was being taken very seriously indeed.
"I've been with him," I told her, flat out. "Just about everywhere he's been. And if I haven't, someone else has. Trust me, Joey's on the straight and narrow." I could see her suspicious look, could see her wondering if I was covering for him, maybe wondering if I was the one who gave him alcohol. And I didn't appreciate it much. I knew it was her job to find out what was going on, and then cover it up, but it definitely had to take a different personality than mine to pull it off.
"I need to talk to Joey," she said crisply, looking past me now, and I had to remind myself that she wasn't a bad person, that she was trying to make things better for us.
"Give him a few minutes. We need cool down time."
"You didn't," she points out, still looking at him.
"I didn't just spend two months in rehab and God knows how long as an alcoholic," I shot back at her. I regretted saying it like that almost as soon as it came out, but thankfully Joey wasn't listening, just Jan. The last thing I wanted to do was upset or hurt him, especially right now when he was about to have something else heaped on him to deal with.
"This can't wait much longer," she said impatiently, glancing at her watch. "I've already been forced to wait until you all took a break. We need to get a statement in before the deadline for tomorrow's papers. We already have a few versions prepared but I need to speak with Joey now."
With that she did go right past me to where Joey was sitting, but by that time he'd had a chance to notice her and to prepare himself a bit. I also followed her to Joey's side; damned if I was gonna let him face her alone. Besides, I was the one that could vouch for him. I could justify my inclusion.
Wordlessly, she pulled a sheet of newsprint out of her portfolio and thrust it at him as he stood up to greet her. He frowned as he read it. "I was there," he said finally. "But I wasn't drinking and we certainly didn't stay 'til closing. Ask the rest of the guys--they were there with me."
She sighed a bit and folded the paper up before sticking it back in with the rest. "That doesn't matter nearly as much as it should," she said. "I need you to come with me so we can deal with this immediately." "Now wait just a second," I interrupted. "We're in the middle of a rehearsal here. He *needs* to be here."
"He needs to come with me and do some damage control before this whole incident snowballs out of control. It was completely irresponsible of you all to take him to a *bar* of all places. Don't you know you're being watched?"
"When aren't we being watched," I countered. "Ask the bartender if you have to. Ask the bouncers. Ask Lance's date. Joey. Wasn't. Drinking."
"Great, we probably will. If someone doesn't pay them enough before we get to them to say otherwise." She crossed her arms over her chest, as though that would make her look more serious. More imposing. More intimidating to me. "This shouldn't take long. Extend your break."
Joey looked at me helplessly; we both knew he was going to have to do this one way or another, but management was sure proving they knew how to make things worse for him rather than easier. I knew taking him to the club this weekend was a bad idea, I just knew it for the wrong reasons.
"All right," he said finally. "Let's get this over with." He picked up his towel and slung it around his neck. "But you're getting me as is."
"That's fine," she said, nodding. "We're just going upstairs to one of the offices. Johnny's waiting for us, along with a couple members of my staff."
"Then why didn't Johnny come and get him," I muttered under my breath. "Fine, let's go then. I need to tell Wade, though." I gave Jan an appraising look. She'd watched out for us at the press conference, but right now she was acting like a bitch. "Maybe you should be the one to explain this to Wade."
"Take care of it for me," she said crisply, taking Joey's arm. "We need to get this resolved. You're not needed."
I stopped her with my own arm. "Where will you be?"
She paused and considered that before telling me. "The blue room, off the main hallway. We shouldn't be long."
"Good. I'll be there soon," I told her, letting her go and giving Joey a reassuring smile before I took off to find Wade and give him the bad news.
I tried the handle of the door, breathless after having raced up the stairs. It was locked. Damn it. I raised my fist to bang on it, just barely able to hear the voices within, then paused. They weren't going to let me in without a fight, and as much as I wanted to be there for him, making that kind of scene right now might cause more harm than good.
With any luck, this would be a short lecture and we could head back downstairs to finish our rehearsal without incident. Which was wishful thinking, I knew, but that didn't stop me. I hoped Wade would at least tell the rest of the guys where me and Joey had gone, so they didn't think we'd wimpily snuck out on rehearsal to get a longer break.
"So how are you holding up?" I heard someone ask me unexpectedly, a few minutes later. JC took the seat next to me and gave me a sympathetic look. Well, that answered that question.
"Me?" I shrugged a little. It wasn't a question I'd given much thought to. Or any, really. "Fine. Why?"
"'Cause Tate pointed out to stupid me that no one's probably asked you that yet, and we all know you're the guy who's been doing all the work taking care of Joey." He gave me a bit of a rueful, apologetic smile. An unnecessary one.
"It's not work," I told him, still eyeing the door to Joey's meeting worriedly. "He's my best friend."
"Okay, not work," he conceded. "But you're the one who's been there for him, no matter what. And you can't tell me that's been easy."
I know that JC wasn't baiting me to find out more of what went on between me and Joey when no one was around--knew that he had no reason to do anything like that--but it suddenly felt like that anyway and it made me uncomfortable. "No worse than you being the one to look out for Justin and Lance these days. The stuff they'd been coming to me about--I know it goes to you now."
He laughed. I hadn't been expecting that. "In theory, yeah, but I think they know I need to get my own shit together before I can do much for anyone else. And besides--I have Tate to share the burden with. Who've you got?"
"Joey," I answered him. From the look on his face, it was my turn to surprise him. "We do talk," I mentioned. "We do talk a lot. But it's not just him unloading on me or something. We both do a little gut-spilling. He's stronger than people give him credit for ... "
JC nodded, and I knew I'd gotten him thinking a little more. Yeah, it'd been an emotionally rocky week since Joey'd come home, but it had been good, too. I was getting closer to Joey than I'd ever really been to anyone before, which was kinda scary and kinda nice at the same time. And impossible to explain to anyone who hadn't been there.
"Joey says you guys had a really good time the other night," I said finally, half to keep the conversation moving and half because I was interested in JC's take on that whole evening.
"Yeah, we did," he said, sounding pleasantly surprised. "You told me I should get to know him again--" I had; I'd almost forgotten. "--so I did. And I liked him. I miss the Joey that smiled all the time, a bit, but I'm happier with the one who's healthy and honest about how he's doing."
"The smiles are coming back," I said, smiling myself. "It's just gonna take some time."
"Good to see you smiling, too," said JC, kicking my foot lightly. "I heard what really happened with Dani. You talked to her yet?"
I sighed and shook my head. "I left a message for her yesterday. I'm not sure I want to talk to her yet anyway." My eyes ran over the door again; I thought I'd heard those faint voices become louder, but no one came out. "We were both pretty pissed off. I think we still need some cool-down time."
"You think she's still mad at you?"
"Yeah, probably," I admitted. "We've been building to this for a while now. But it'll blow over eventually. I guess I'll give her a call tonight."
"So what happened, exactly?" he asked. Now he was being pushy and we both knew it, but it was no secret that if I hadn't wanted to talk about it, I wouldn't have said as much as I already had.
"She got called back to LA for an audition. She wanted me to come with her and I wouldn't go. I mean--Joey hadn't even been out a week. Is it so hard to believe I might want to stay here with him?"
JC considered that for a moment, seemed to be considering whether to pursue the conversation or not. "Maybe she thought the rest of us could look out for him for a couple days so you could spend time with her. Maybe she misses you."
"I miss her too, sometimes," I said, sighing. "But it's more important that I'm here right now. Joey needs me."
"And you need Joey?" suggested JC. He voice seemed to suggest he was being careful, but I couldn't really imagine why. Not about this, anyway.
"Maybe," I said. "I need to know he's okay. And whole. And he's gonna be back in our lives. And ... I like being around him."
"You've been spending all your time with him," noted JC. "I certainly hope you're enjoying it."
"He's easier to be around than her, right now," I said. "I know that sounds strange. But with Dani, everything's tense and fighting and stuff. Like, it's on a downswing. And with Joey, even though it's been tough, it's on an upswing, you know? So maybe that's part of why I've been spending more time with him instead of her, too."
"I guess we all live with our choices," he said, smiling a bit and patting my knee. It could have been condescending, but coming from JC, it wasn't.
I had a brief moment of alarm when it occurred to me - maybe he knows what happened the other night. Maybe he knows. But there was just no way ... that was between me and Joey, and it wasn't what he would be thinking, anyway, if he knew. I didn't think.
"Yeah," I said finally. Grunted, almost. I didn't want to think right now, not about that. Even though it was a pleasant memory, just the though of it started to twist things up inside me.
Right then, the door rattled and I did hear voices. It wasn't my imagination this time. Joey stepped out of the room flanked by Jan on one side and by a man I didn't know of the other. He looked to be about my age, but taller and more built. And he was standing way too close to Joey for a stranger, as far as I was concerned.
"Thanks for your patience," said Jan to me--insincerely, I thought. She stepped away from Joey a moment later, but the other man remained close. "I think we have everything worked out now. We may need you to go on record saying that Mr. Fatone did not consume any alcohol the other evening, however."
"No problem," I said, barely a moment before JC did. "Is that everything?"
"No," said Joey quietly, looking down.
"There are a few new conditions," said Jan, "to ensure the continuing success of your group."
"Such as?" I said, my eyes narrowing. JC put a hand on my arm for a moment, so I must've looked like I was about to pounce or something.
"There will be no more excursions to bars or anything of the sort," she said firmly. "Mr. Fatone will be accompanied by Mr. Zeller when making appearances of a professional nature, or when participating in any professional activities including, but not limited to, rehearsals, performances, scheduled appearances, award shows and photo shoots. At other times, he should not appear in public alone or in the sole company of a woman. Preferred company would include family members, members of Nsync, or persons from management."
"Did you rehearse that?" I asked under my breath, but my gaze had returned to the man at Joey's side. Mr. Zeller. For all intents and purposes, Joey's babysitter.
"You must be Mr. Zeller," I said finally.
"Gary," he corrected, smiling and holding out his hand. I took it, almost out of habit, but I didn't smile. "It's nice to meet you."
I nodded at him, then turned back to Jan. "So, what, is Gary gonna test all his drinks? Search him in the morning? Hold his hand when he takes a piss?"
"Chris," said Joey softly. "Just don't. Let it go." I shut up, then, but only because Joey asked me to.
"Come on, guys," said JC carefully. I'd almost forgotten he was there. "We need to get back to rehearsal."
"Yes," agreed Jan. "I'd hate to keep you any longer. Gary will be joining you for the remainder of your rehearsal, and for your photo shoot later this afternoon and this evening. Chris, I understand you'll be accompanying him home and will be available should he need to go out this evening?"
"Always am," I said, narrowing my eyes again. "Always was." "Photo shoot?" said JC, catching what I'd missed.
Jan nodded. "We need a new batch of publicity photos for the company. We're cutting the rehearsal two hours short and heading out of the city. Don't worry, you'll be able to make up the time tomorrow."
"Shit," I spat out. "You couldn't make it easy on us - on Joey - first day back?"
JC tugged on my arm lightly. "Come on. We wouldn't want to make Wade any harder on us than he already will be ... "
Joey took a step closer to me, away from Gary, and I placed my hand on the small of his back to lead him away from the room and back down to where we were rehearsing. If only I could lead him away from Gary, too. The last thing Joey needed was some kind of constant reminder of what was past, and what he was going through now.
I was surprised when Jan pulled me away for a moment, privately. "I don't know what's gotten into you," she said, actually sounding concerned, "but Chris ... we're on the same side here."
"Doesn't feel like it," I said, pulling away from her abruptly. "I'm sure we'll be hearing from you soon enough, Jan."
"Take care," I heard her say as I took off after JC and Joey. And Gary. We did have a rehearsal to finish and we had wasted enough time on this already.
"How long do we have before we have to go?" asked Joey, shoveling a sandwich into his mouth. I'd already finished my own, and Lance was trying to figure out how to inhale his soup without burning himself.
"As soon as the vans get here," said JC, watching out the window and across the courtyard. "Maybe five minutes. We're already running late. The shoot's supposed to start in an hour, and it's gonna take more than that just to get there."
I was acutely aware of Gary's presence, behind us and to the left, eating with our bodyguards and just generally staying out of the way, which was good. If he had to be here, at least he wasn't conspicuous.
It felt to me like he was more than a chaperone, more than a babysitter, more like a punishment for a crime that hadn't been committed; I could only imagine how Joey felt about it, though the expression on his face seemed to indicate he was resigned to his fate. We were used to having bodyguards around us all the time, and between them and the four of us, we should have been able to look out for Joey just fine. But Gary wasn't about Joey's welfare. Gary was about protecting Johnny's and Jive's interest in us. Gary was about ass-covering and spin doctoring and treating us like the commodity we were.
I touched Joey's shoulder for a moment to get his attention. "You all right?" I asked, nodding my head towards Gary to show what I thought might be bothering him.
"I'm fine," he said, somewhat shortly. "Really. I'm just ... thinking."
"About?" I prompted.
"Everything. This past week, mostly. It's a lot of changes. I guess it's starting to hit me."
"And I bet the talk with PR didn't help." I suddenly realized my hand was lingering on his shoulder and slipped it off, hoping no one would question it. Forgetting that -- to everyone else at least -- it was a perfectly innocent gesture.
"Actually, I think it might have," he said, surprising me. "It helped ... clarify a few things for me. Things I think I forgot."
"You wanna explain that?" I know he could see the sincere confusion on my face, but he shook his head.
"Not just yet," he said. "And not here." His eyes flicked over the many people in the room with us and I understood.
"Later?" I asked. This time he nodded.
"They're here," said Justin, hopping off his seat and heading for the door. "Let's go guys."
Lance drained his soup, hissing as he burnt his tongue, and Joey stuffed the crust of his sandwich in his mouth before we headed outside.
"Joey'll come with me," I said as we split ourselves up between the two white vans. "We'll see you guys when we get there." No one even seemed remotely surprised by that. Gary rode with us, which was both expected and uncomfortable.
"It won't be for long," I whispered to Joey, nudging his shoulder with mine both to give him physical contact and to get his attention. "Just hang in there."
He nodded, looking down at his restless hands, and didn't say anything at all. I could almost feel Gary watching him--watching us--and it made me feel like I didn't much want to talk either.
I was never more grateful to arrive at a photo shoot, especially as long and tedious as this one was bound to be. We were at what looked to be a warehouse, set on the edge of a patch of land half-wooded and half-garden. I seemed to recall having been here before, a long time ago, but we've taken pictures in so many places that sometimes they all ran together in my mind.
We were ushered inside quickly, quickly enough to alarm our bodyguards, even, who rushed to our sides to make sure we weren't being abducted.
"I'm Lana," said a petite redhead who met us inside. "Manuel's been waiting for you. Wardrobe's to your left. If you could get ready as quickly as possible, we can get everything going."
I couldn't count the number of times I'd heard that before. Being on time hadn't exactly been our strong suit for a long time. We hardly even spoke to one another as we were ushered into the large area, racks of clothes waiting for us. Lance and JC were in and out pretty quick. Once, JC would have spent all his time trying everything on and coming up with the most hideous thing on the rack. I guess Tate was having some kind of good influence on the guy.
Donna and Jeannine, the on-site wardrobe people, went back and forth between us as we dressed.
"They have your sizes all wrong," said Donna in disgust as Joey tried in vain to button the pants. "We'll have to let something out. Not those, though. No leather for you, today, I'm afraid." As soon as Joey stripped the pants off, she picked up her tape and began taking his measurements. "They've got to be more careful about this; this is going to cost us some time. What've they been feeding you anyway?"
I batted Justin's hands away as he tried to mess with my collar so I could hear the conversation. Joey looked - distant. He wasn't even looking at anyone as Donna complained about how none of the clothes they had for him were going to fit. Fuck, couldn't she see how great Joey looked? Or was she comparing him to Justin in her head and wondering why Joey wasn't more like him?
As I finished with wardrobe and began to be urged toward make-up, I watched Joey and Donna rummage through the rack for something that could be let out quickly and easily. His heart obviously wasn't in it, if it even had been to begin with. I remembered, briefly, how it had been, once, before this whole mess had started, when Joey had been delighted by the racks of clothing, wanting to try out everything. I missed him.
Justin continued to annoy me, messing with my clothes and my hair. He took the chair at the end, the one that had almost a clear view of wardrobe. The only one. I scowled at him.
"What?" he said, shooting me a look in the mirror. "What's your problem today, anyway?"
"Everything," I said as I took the seat next to him. "Just everything."
JC and Lance were already finished and talking with the photographer and his assistant, so we were alone in the room.
"You wanna keep it to yourself a little more?" he suggested, and not unkindly. "It's happy-time soon."
"I know," I said with a soft sigh. "It's just...Joey..."
"That Gary dude'll keep an eye on him, even if you can't," he said, as though that fixed everything.
"That's not the point," I said. "I mean, don't you think Gary is part of the whole *problem*?"
"No, not really," he said, sounding almost surprised that I'd even asked.
"What are you talking about?" I asked, swiveling toward him abruptly. "They're treating him like a kid. Like a prisoner. It's hardly fair."
"It's perfectly fair," he argued. "Chris..." He hesitated for a moment, which worried me. It wasn't like him. "Okay, we all think it's really great, how you're being so supportive of Joey and all. I mean, he's one of my best friends and all, but I don't think I could take that kind of pressure. Just...try and remember that his - whatsit - independence does have these limits. And maybe he needs people looking out for him like this. You're protecting him from, like, everything...even the stuff that's good for him."
"Joey didn't do anything wrong in that club. He doesn't deserve this."
"Joey should never have been in that club to begin with, and I still don't know what the fuck you were thinking, letting him."
"It was his choice," I said firmly. "It had to be his choice."
"Well maybe it shouldn't have been. Maybe he needs our help making these choices, because right now he's making the wrong ones." He shut up abruptly as Dawn arrived to do his make-up and hair for the shoot.
Unlike the wardrobe people, Dawn and Chandra had been regular make-up people of ours for a while when we were in or around home. They were easy to talk to, and knew more or less how we liked things done. It was always nice being able to retain some people off tour, because on stage was only one of the many times we needed to go through this whole routine.
"You got any plans tonight?" asked Justin as Dawn began to gel each curl of his hair in place.
"After this?" I said. "Home. Eat. Sleep. It's not like Joey is allowed to do much else anyway. You?"
"Brit's flying in tonight," he said. It was okay to talk around Dawn and Chandra; they were among the 'trusted'. "I haven't seen her in too long."
"Isn't she still on tour?" I was watching Dawn do Justin's hair in the mirror; it kept me from having to notice they were doing the same to me. Some days it was fun; today it was just a nuisance.
"She has a day off," he explained. "She flies out again tomorrow night." He frowned as Dawn worked with a stubborn curl that wanted to corkscrew in an odd direction. "She's probably gonna want to stop by and see Joey. Is that cool?"
"Shouldn't you be asking Joey that?"
He shook his head. "Joey'll say yes, because he's not into rocking the boat right now. I want to know if you think he's really ready to face her."
"I don't know," I admitted. "Has she forgiven him?"
"Totally," says Justin. "You know she has. She wants him to know it now, though. From her mouth. Me just passing along the message isn't gonna cut it."
I nodded in understanding.. "Why don't you let me talk to him about it?" I said. "I'll give you a call later tonight and let you know how he really feels about it. Then maybe Brit can drop by rehearsal tomorrow." I paused for a moment as Chandra began to put on eye make-up. "He'll feel less threatened there than if she showed up at his place anyway."
"Okay," he said agreeably. Dawn was still working on his hair.
"Besides," I said, giving him a brief wink. "I think you can find something else to do with your night if Brit's in town."
"Trust me," he said. "It wasn't gonna be a long visit." He gave me a lopsided grin and I knew that things were cool again, for the moment. "I have big plans tonight, let me tell you."
I caught his eyes in the mirror again and, damn, that boy looked excited. The truth of the whole thing was, yeah, Justin and Britney were having sex. Finally. And it was a long time coming, that's for sure. The first time was a week after Joey went into rehab; Justin needed to feel close to her and Britney finally felt like she was ready. And according to Justin ... it just happened. I wouldn't normally recommend using sex to resolve any emotional problems, but in this case, to worked. To an extent, at least. Sex was what brought Justin close enough to Britney to be able to let out all the things that had been building up inside him.
Or that's my theory, anyway.
Chandra suddenly patted me on the back. "You're done, Space Boy," she said. "Get outta here. I'll see you in a bit for touch-ups." I slid off the seat and glanced at Justin one last time; he was still smiling to himself, probably thinking about what he'd be doing tonight. I was glad at least one of us was in a good mood.
"Chris," called JC, swinging his arm at me from across the courtyard. They were setting up by a small grove of trees; it was actually really nice. The photo shoots that we do for Jive itself tend to be really tasteful. Mature. Designed for a different audience than the ones we do for the teeny magazines. Which is not to say that some of the teen mags won't get their hands on these pics, but that wasn't the purpose of them.
"Justin's still in make-up," I said as I approached, but JC smiled and pointed over my shoulder. Justin was striding out of the building, looking down and fiddling with the cuffs on his shirt. "Okay," I laughed, "we're just waiting for Joey."
The photographer - Manuel, Lana had called him - grunted at that and nodded.
"What?" I said to him, wondering what the hell that meant.
"I heard he was going to be trouble," he muttered, kicking at a camera stand to shift its position slightly. "Has he even shown up yet?"
"It's not Joey's fault," I practically hissed. "He came over with the rest of us. There was just a problem in wardrobe."
He grunted again but didn't say anything further to us, turning to Lana and telling her where he wanted everything else set up so she could get one of the assistants to do it. JC tugged my arm to pull me aside again.
"Why don't you go back inside and see how Joey's making out," he suggested.
"You heard what he said--" I began, but JC stopped me.
"Yes, and he was wrong," said JC. "But unfortunately, he had every reason to think that." He paused to let that sink in. "Now go find Joey. I'll try and get them to start with the solo shots of Justin and Lance and this'll blow over soon enough."
"Fine," I said, nodding, knowing he just wanted to get me out of the way until I cooled down. I turned around and walked straight back into the building without a backward glance. When I stepped inside, I found Joey just sitting down in make-up. They found something for him to wear after all, I supposed, or they were just quicker at altering them than I thought they could be. Black jeans, deep red, long-sleeved shirt - they hadn't let him wear red in a long time - and some kind of patterned vest that set the whole thing off.
I stood just inside the door, leaning against the wall, and watched for a moment.
"Joey!" said Chandra, giving him a quick hug before holding him at arm's length to look at him. "You look fabulous," she enthused, touching his face gently. "There's hardly any red to cover up anymore."
Joey smiled a little. "I feel pretty good, too," he said, but then a shiver went through me as he held up his hands to her. Even though I couldn't see them from where I was, I knew he was showing her the scars he'd gotten from the shattered glass, that last night before rehab. "Is there anything here you're going to need to cover up?" She took his hands into hers and examined them surely.
"The sleeves cover the worst of it," she said matter-of-factly. "There are a couple lines on your palms that might show, but I'm going to leave them unless told otherwise. They look pretty natural, and how often do your palms make it into the shot anyway?" She put his hands down again. "I'll make a note to wardrobe to dress you only in long-sleeves today and there should be no problems. So you're doing better then?"
"Much," said Joey as she got started on his hair and make-up. After watching for a few more minutes, I finally let them know I was there.
"Hey, hot stuff," I joked as I walked up to them. "Looking good. You about ready to join the rest of us?"
"Don't bother the artist at work," says Chandra, nudging me in the stomach with her elbow. "Or next time you might find I've 'accidentally' forgotten that eyeliner you like so much."
"God forbid," I said as Joey tried not to laugh. I hovered for the few more minutes it took to finish him off, until Chandra patted his ass and told him to get out of her hair.
He actually was laughing as we walked back out and down the path to where the shoot was being set up. JC looked at us curiously, then just smiled and shook his head as we all took our places and things finally got started.
When they finally called a break, about an hour later, Joey and I wandered away from where everything was set up, back towards the more wooded area, sitting down on the ground with our backs against a large tree. He looked...weary.
"You doin' all right?" I asked, nudging him with my shoulder. When he remained silent, I went on. "I know it's been a rough day, and having Gary around is gonna suck, but overall things are going pretty well, right?"
"It's been a good week," said Joey, "all things considered. But that's all it's been, Chris - a week. And a week really isn't a long enough time to really gauge how things are going to be. It's certainly not long enough for a lot of people to start trusting me again. I don't like that, but I know that."
"I trust you," I told him reassuringly.
"With everything?" he asked me dubiously.
I didn't mean to hesitate, but I did. "Yes."
"You shouldn't." He stood up, then, brushing the traces of dirt off his pants. "I'm not ready to be trusted. It's a lot of responsibility."
"I thought you said you were?" I said, uncertainly. Something had changed here, and I didn't know how or why. I didn't even know yet if it was a good or a bad thing.
"I was wrong," he said quietly, just standing there. Maybe waiting for me to get up, too. "I wanted to be. But my world is very different than I remember."
I frowned and held out my hand for him to help me up. "I don't get it," I said as we began to walk back towards the others. "Our 'world', as you put it, has always been this ... chaotic. A lot more, actually."
"It's not like that in rehab," he told me. "It's ... it's routine. It doesn't change from day to day." We were almost back now, and he sighed. "I want to talk about this later. Is that cool?"
"Of course," I said. I almost reached out to touch him then - a perfectly natural gesture - and then a wave of uncertainty hit me. It felt inexplicably awkward, so I didn't.
"We're going inside," Lance told us when we got there, smelling vaguely of cigarette smoke. I hoped, almost absently, that no one had gotten that when they were snapping the candid shots during our break. "Apparently Manuel has 'had it up to here with the foliage,' so we need to get our asses back to wardrobe."
As if cued, someone appeared at my elbow to escort us back in. I felt something brush against the small of my back and, when I turned, realized it had been Joey's hand. I smiled at him, knowing he couldn't be looking forward to returning to wardrobe, then crossed my eyes and stuck out my tongue.
At least that got me a smile as we went back to work.
"Hey Chris," said JC, pulling me aside for a moment as we finished packing up and were about ready to leave. We were going to have to get something to eat on the way, because there was no way we were going to make it home without one of us fainting if we didn't.
"Hey," I said, yawning and trying to hide it. It wasn't late, but it sure felt it.
"You mind if Joey rides with us on the way back?" he asked. "Me and Justin, I mean. So he could switch places with Lance?"
I shrugged. "Why are you asking me?" I said. "You think I'm gonna say no?"
He grinned. "Thought you might want him for yourself," he said, nudging me. "Justin wanted to talk to him about something, though."
"Well, you should probably be asking Joey, then," I said, shrugging again. I wasn't thrilled about Joey riding separately from me, but it was his choice, not mine. "I'm sure I can stand to be around Lance for a while," I joked, to cover how uncomfortable I was.
"Justin did," said JC. "I just wanted to make sure you were okay with it. And ... I guess you are." He threw an arm over my shoulder then, without explanation, pulled me into a hug. "See you on the other side, man."
We loaded up the vans, then, and headed off towards home a few minutes later. Lance was quiet for a while, staring out the window as we traveled down the highway. Every once in a while he would start humming something under his breath, then stop.
I thought about saying something just to break the silence, but somehow it didn't feel right, so I watched Lance and I watched the scenery and I waited for us to get home.
"Right here," said Lance suddenly. "Pull in here." He pointed out the window at a neon-lit building at the side of the road. "I need to eat."
"That's a bar," I reminded him.
"So?" he said. "Bars serve good food."
"So, what, you were planning on leaving Joey in the van?"
"It's not like he has to drink just because he's in a bar or something," he said, rolling his eyes. "He did fine this weekend, right?"
"He's not allowed," I said. "If we went in there he'd have to stay behind."
The driver had pulled the van into the parking lot while we discussed it and called the other driver to let him know where we were. They were probably only a few minutes behind us, at most.
"Oh," he said, looking both surprised and frustrated. "Since when?"
"Since today," I said, sighing. "Since someone got photos of him at the bar. That's part of what the whole Gary thing is all about."
"I thought that was just some random Jive thing," he said. He sat back in his seat for a moment, closing his eyes, then leaned forward and covered his face with his hands.
"What?" I asked.
He shook his head without answering for a moment, then lifted it and met my eyes. "How come things can't be the way they used to be?" he asked.
I just shrugged. "Is that rhetorical, or do you want me to answer?"
"No, I mean it," he said earnestly. "Why can't we do things the way we did before, and go where we want? Why can't it just be okay?"
"Because the way things were before turned Joey into an alcoholic, and probably didn't do the rest of us any favours either. It's not like I like a lot of the stuff that's going down right now, but maybe it's good for all of us."
"Why do I have to change my life because Joey messed up?" He asked, agitated. "If I want to go out drinking, or if I want to smoke up one night, I want to be able to."
"No one's stopping you," I said. I was surprised by what he was saying, but maybe I shouldn't have been. Lance had been an excellent friend ... but he's known the old Joey. And he didn't seem to be dealing all that well with the news. "Just don't expect Joey to join you anymore. Or me."
He grunted. "Why should I lose my freedom over this?"
"Because if things don't change, you'll be next," I said coldly. He looked at me incredulously for a moment, as though he couldn't believe I'd just said that. "Or Justin. Or JC. Or me," I added, finally. "We're all affected ... by this thing with Joey and by just our lives."
"I've seen what he got like," he said, his voice almost dangerously quiet. "That's not going to happen to me."
"You thought that Joey would just be the same, when he got out, didn't you," I said, a little more gently now, in a flash realizing for the first time just what was going through Lance's head. "You thought we'd have the old Joey back again, after all the crap we went through while he was in rehab. And before."
"I knew things would be different," he said, but without conviction.
"You ever really talked to Joey about what rehab was like for him?" I asked, already knowing the answer.
"We haven't really talked at all," he admitted. "During...or after."
"Maybe you should," I said. "Maybe it would help you understand where he's at, now."
"Do you understand what's going on with him?"
"No," I said softly. Regretfully. "But I'm getting there."
He nodded, then. "You guys spend a lot of time together," he commented aloud.
"Yeah, well, I'm living there," I pointed out.
"No, I mean, like, all the time," he clarified. "You're joined at the hip. If anyone would know him, you would. Does he ... does he talk to you about it?"
I was silent for a moment, thinking of all the things that Joey and I talked about. "Yeah," I said finally. "We talk a lot."
"Anything I should know about?"
I shook my head. "Anything you want to know about, just ask Joey. He's mostly okay with talking about it, to us."
"I will," said Lance. "It's just ... not easy."
"I know," I told him. I looked out the tinted window toward the bar we'd stopped at. "Lance?"
"Yeah?"
"There's a little diner next door. How about we just eat there?"
"He looked toward the building I was pointing at. "It's kinda small," he said. "Maybe we should just forget this and head home."
"I'm hungry now," I told him. "Small, out-of-the-way ... sounds like a place we won't be recognized. Probably good home cooking. And pie."
"The pie card's not gonna work on me today," he said, but I could see he was already nodding slowly. "But, since we're already here, we may as well grab a bite."
I grinned and tugged on his arm to get him out of the van. "Come on, the other guys will be here any second." Meaning, Joey would be here any second, and I could make sure he was doing all right. Andre stayed with us, standing just outside the van, while Randy went into the diner to scope out the place and make sure it was safe for us to eat. It was another hour or so before we would be back to where we'd been rehearsing, back to our cars so we could even start on our way home.
After watching the highway for a moment, Lance pulled a pack of smokes out of his jacket pocket and gave me a quick gesture with his head before moving around to the back of the van to light one up. I didn't say anything. Better here than at that damn photo shoot, with cameras everywhere.
Of course, as soon as he was out of sight of the highway, the other van swung smoothly into the lot beside us and the other guys piled out.
"So, we eating?" asked Justin, a wide smile on his face as he plucked at his hair, trying to make it stand up properly.
"That's the idea," I said, my eyes on Joey as he climbed out of the van, Gary not far behind him. "I'm starving."
"Me, too," said Justin. "Mom was making fried chicken tonight, too, but I already missed it. Like, two hours ago. So what is this place?"
"This is a bar," said Joey as he reached my side, the disappointment obvious in his voice. "I was hungry."
I nudged him with my elbow and pointed at the smaller, less bright building next door. "We're going there," I said. "I made sure."
"Thanks," he said, glancing towards where Justin and JC were standing and talking. "Hey," he called to them. "C'mere."
They looked toward us and Justin made one, last comment to JC before they came closer. "What's up?" said JC.
"We gonna eat, or do you just want to stand there talking all night?" he asked, gesturing towards the diner. Randy had come back out and given us the all clear, so the whole lot of us started inside. It's difficult to describe the sight of five popstars, six bodyguards, two drivers, one babysitter and assorted folk from management, all descending on one diner. It probably looked like we were out to take over the place.
Joey and I slid into a large booth, across from the other three guys, Gary on Joey's other side. Our backs were to our bodyguards on either side of our booth, them remaining close enough to do their jobs should anything happen, everyone else scattering around the restaurant.
"Can I get you something to drink?" asked the middle-aged waitress as she tossed some menus onto the table. She obviously knew something was up, what with the size of our group and the pack of bodyguards, but she also obviously had no idea who we were. Not a common thing, so close to home.
"Coke."
"Coffee."
"Sprite."
"Coke."
"I'll take a can of Coke," said Joey, smiling brightly at her, his public face firmly in place. "Thanks."
"A can?" scoffed Lance. "You too good for fountain drinks now?"
"A can's sealed," said Joey simply, his glance at Gary almost too quick to catch.
"Damn," I whispered under my breath. I guess my comment about Gary testing all his drinks wasn't so far off, after all. "Iced tea," I said aloud.
She marked everything down on her little pad of paper before taking off for the next table. I gave Joey a squeeze on his leg under the table, out of everyone's view, then gave him a reassuring smile.
Whatever happened now, at least we were getting some good food into us. And soon, we would be on our way home.
I carried both glasses of iced tea outside, expecting to find Joey already there. I wasn't disappointed. He was reclined on the far chair, he legs crossed at the ankle and a multi-page letter propped up on his chest so he could read it. I didn't have to ask to know what it was.
"Hey," I said quietly, getting his attention before handing his drink to him. He smiled at me broadly as he took the glass.
"You're wearing your glasses again," he commented, not looking away. "You look good." He looked at me for a few more moments before turning to his drink and taking a sip. I'd never really been aware of my glasses as anything more than a necessary evil before, something I had to deal with when my contacts were out, or when I didn't feel like fussing with contacts at all, but Joey made them seem like some sort of fashionable accessory. He's funny that way, sometimes.
"Yeah," I answered him after puzzling over his attention for a moment. "It's night. They're more comfortable. The iced tea okay?"
"Mmm, yeah, you're getting good at making it," he said, not even turning his head this time. He was engrossed in what he was reading, and I wasn't certain if it was so delicate a subject that I shouldn't say anything. But then...he was reading it right in front of me, so maybe it wasn't. "What are you reading?"
"A letter," he said. "From this ten-year-old girl. She offered to send me a kitten to keep me company in rehab." He looked up and smiled. "Kids say the sweetest things sometimes." He turned back to the letter and finished reading it before stacking the pages together and fastening them with a paperclip.
"You ready to talk about what's been up today?" I asked him once everything he'd been working on had been cleaned up and set aside - letters, pen, notepad and all. He took a moment to just sit there after I asked the question, as though getting back in the right frame of mind to answer.
"I've just been doing a lot of thinking," he said. That I already knew. "And being home is just the best thing, especially with you being here, and knowing the other guys are out there, looking out for me, but ... "
"But what?" I prompted as his voice trailed away, as his eyes looked off in the distance.
"But being back with the group, going on tour ... it's all too damn soon. I wanted to be ready, Chris ... God, I so don't want to let you guys down any more than I already have."
"Do you need me to get the tour postponed again?" I asked, quite serious. "Because I will. Right now."
"No," he said quietly. "I mean - yes, I wish it could happen, but no, I'm not going to get you to do that. Our fans have been waiting long enough for this; it wouldn't be fair to them to call it off again."
"If you're not going to be okay to perform," I said, "then we will. You're more important than anything."
"I'm not," said Joey. "But thank you. And I will be okay to perform. If nothing else, I'll do that." He sighed, sounding profoundly unhappy. "Why do our lives have to move so damn fast?" he asked after a moment. "I mean this, right now, this is a holiday compared to how it's gonna be. And already, this is enough."
"We're all there for you," I assured him. "However you need things to be to cope with this tour, we'll make it happen."
"I've already been talking with Johnny about it," he said. "Just things like when someone needs to watch me closest and what things I just know I can't do."
"I'm sure Gary'll be watching you closely enough," I muttered.
"About Gary ... " Joey began.
"What about him?"
"I think he was a good idea," he admitted. "For at least the duration of the tour." He looked at his hands while I looked at him in astonishment. "I still have so much trouble admitting when I need help," he went on. "You know that better than anyone, Chris. Sometimes I even have trouble telling you, still. But Gary ... with Gary there, I don't ever have to ask. Until I'm able to do that, having him there's gonna turn out to be a very good thing."
"You'll lose all your privacy."
"Maybe I need to," he said. "I mean, if we're on downtime ... and one of you guys is by my side ... he'll back off and all."
I shrugged. "If you're sure."
"I am," he said. "And I kinda need you to be okay with him, too."
I sighed, then. "I can't get inside your head," I said. "I can't know how you're seeing this whole thing. Or how you're feeling, ever. But if you think this Gary thing is good for you, then I'll get behind it. For you."
"Thank you," he said. "I needed you to say that."
"You're welcome," I said, and after that, for a long while, we just listened to the breeze through the grass, the tiny waves in the pool lapping up against the plastic covering, the sounds of Jay Leno coming out through an open window somewhere nearby.
"So we kissed," said Joey finally, after a long, awkward silence. I wasn't sure if it was a question or a statement or what, but it was sure as heck something that I was gonna have to respond to.
"Yeah," I agreed. "We did." Was he asking me how I felt about it, or just confirming it hadn't been some kind of weird-ass dream?
I turned my head and saw him fiddle with his pant leg. Finally, he turned his head back toward me, his expression conflicted. "You okay with that?"
"Sure, I guess," I said, still unsure of where he wanted to go with this. If he didn't find a direction soon, though, I was gonna find one myself, just to clear the air.
"You thought about it at all?" he asked after another pause. From his tone, it was pretty clear to me he had. I wasn't sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing.
"Yeah," I answered, pretty quickly. I had thought about it. A lot. And in many different contexts. "I've thought about it quite a bit. I wasn't sure we were ever gonna talk about it, though. It was a couple days ago now."
"Yeah, well." He shrugged, awkwardly, looking away again for a moment. "I needed to think about it, too. Needed to figure out what to say about it, since I figured I'd better say something. Considering how I started it and all."
"So can I ask you something then?" I said, since he'd just flung the doors on the subject wide open.
"Yeah, why not?" he said, sounding--strangely--more resigned than enthusiastic. Or maybe that wasn't so strange at all. I mean, how was he supposed to know just what I was going to be asking him.
"How come you did it? I mean ... what were you thinking?" Both of those questions came out way wrong, but there was no taking them back. Joey didn't seem surprised by them at all, though.
"Yeah," he said, "I figured you were gonna go there. I don't know Chris--it just felt right. You ever just kissed someone because it felt right? Because it made sense?" His voice was almost desperate for approval.
"Sure," I said, waiting until he looked at me to go on. "I kissed you back, didn't I?"
He smiled a bit, almost sheepishly. "Yeah ... I guess you did. So you understand how, in a moment like that, kissing kinda just makes sense?"
I thought maybe I did. "So ... this was just a friendship thing then? Not ... something else?"
"I think so, yeah," he said, sounding only a little uncertain. "I mean, you'd just done something really nice for me, and you've been just this great friend to me through this whole thing ... and I couldn't think of any other way to thank you enough."
I nodded my head, his words making sense to me. "So should I be expecting any more kisses in our future?"
That particular question did seem to take him by surprise. But it was the one I think I wanted the answer to the most. "I ... maybe?" he said weakly. "I dunno ... is there a line I just shouldn't be crossing here? Because I can see maybe there might be other times that a kiss might feel right, between us."
I had to think about that one, even though I'd already spent more than a couple hours pondering that very question. "There's a line," I said finally. "There's always this line between friends and ... something else. But I think that kissing between us falls on the friends side of the line."
"What about anything else?" he pushed, now that the initial question had been broached.
I had to laugh a bit, in part to cover the sheer awkwardness of the situation--talking about the unusual relationship we'd forged. There were no blueprints for this state we were in, no recognizable path that we felt we should be following. "I think some other things are okay, too," I said finally. "Let's just ... take it on a case by case basis. See what we're comfortable with. All right?"
"That sounds good to me," he said with audible relief. "Kissing you felt pretty good. Pretty comfortable. Well ... until the shock set in. I'm glad we talked about it."
"So am I," I admitted, feeling like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Amazing how something as simple as a kiss had created such turmoil in my head. Hordes of screaming fans I could handle, a hundred cameras and microphones in my face were no problem, but one little kiss from my best friend had knocked me on my ass. "How about you, Joe? Any lines over there I shouldn't be crossing?" It hadn't really occurred to me until just then that there might be things that Joey didn't want me doing, physically.
"I'll let you know if we come across any," he said quietly, implying that they might be there, under the surface, just waiting to be found. I didn't expect it would be a pleasant experience if we did. "But none that I can think of." I wasn't sure if it was significant or not that he didn't detail where his line was, but I wasn't gonna push that right now. It was easier just to assume that it was the same as mine.
"Well, we'll deal with that if it happens, then," I said, effectively closing that subject. "And you know we can talk about anything, right? Even stuff like this." Even if this *had* been something else to you, I almost added, but didn't.
"I know," he said, sounding secure in that knowledge, anyway. "Thank you. For that and for the rest. I know, I know, I've thanked you way too much. But I feel better if I thank you just about every day, so ... let me?"
"Sure," I said, not knowing if there was anything else I could say to that. What made Joey feel better about himself, about the situation, about the rest of us ... I did or I let him do. Sometimes with no questions asked.
"I think I've talked enough for tonight," said Joey after a long moment, taking a sip of his drink. "We should go swimming tomorrow night. Or in the morning. I've hardly been in the pool since I got home."
"We could swim instead of walking," I said, thinking that sounded like a really good idea. Though probably less exercise, knowing how we tended to mess around in the pool. There was silence again for a moment. "You know what I'd really like right now?" I said finally.
"No, what?"
"Sing for me," I said, then watched him out of the corner of my eye to see how he would react. I thought he'd be surprised by the request; I didn't realize he'd look quite so stricken. "I miss hearing you singing. Something's not right without it."
"Tomorrow," he whispered.
"We all have to sing at rehearsal tomorrow," I said. "I meant, for me."
"Tomorrow," he repeated. "I promise. Right now ... you could sing for me," he suggested. "That might be nice."
Of course, as soon as he said that, the absolute cheesiest idea came to my mind. I should have just pushed it out, sung one of our songs or something. Or sung a Backstreet Boys song to make him laugh. But the song wouldn't leave my head and, when I opened my mouth, it was what came out.
"Joey, baby, don't get crazy. All is forgiven, listen, listen. Cause if I seem to be confused, I didn't mean to be with you, and when you said I scared you well I guess you scared me too..."
"Joey, I'm not angry anymore," I heard him whisper as I sang.