"All right already! I'm coming! Shit, just quit knocking!"
I heard the footsteps come thundering down the stairs, then the front door opened and closed. Two new voices joined Joey's, one male and one female, and they weren't making any effort to take pity on the sleeping guy and keep the noise down. I gave up on trying to go back to sleep and just silently agreed with Joey--thank God they'd quit that knocking.
I squinted at the clock on the bedside table and was surprised to see that it was already noon--I slipped my glasses on and looked again to make sure I was reading it right. Joey and I'd had the best intentions of getting up early and going running again, but we'd been up late last night after the guys had left, just watching TV, and I guess we both slept through our alarms.
Well through them.
I got out of the bed and put on the T-shirt I'd been wearing yesterday, deciding that the boxer shorts would be good enough for now. At least they were cute. I thought about heading up to Joey's room and borrowing something from him to wear, but decided to wait and ask, first. I still wasn't willing to violate that sanctuary and, besides, borrowing underwear just felt wrong.
I headed to the bathroom to take a piss and brush my teeth, then wandered out into the kitchen to find myself something to eat. Joey was sitting at the kitchen table with Johnny and some woman I didn't recognize, both of whom were looking quite professional. I would have felt underdressed if it weren't for the fact that Joey was wearing even less than I was.
"Oh, hi Chris," said Johnny, looking startled to see me.
"Chris is moving into one of my spare rooms," said Joey, effectively answering all the questions he was going to on the subject. He didn't look particularly happy, but I knew it wasn't me. I wouldn't have been too happy to be in his position right now either--tired, groggy, and having to deal with management telling me what to say and what not to say at the press conference today.
"I'm just getting breakfast," I told them as I passed by. "I'll just go hide out back or something until you're done. Don't let me interrupt."
"Would you mind sitting in on this?" asked Joey before I'd gotten more than a couple of steps.
I turned back towards him and tried to read him, tried to figure out just why he wanted me to stay. Moral support? Advice? Another warm body to draw some attention off him? Whatever the reason was, I knew I was going to do it, I just wanted to know what I was getting into.
"Sure," I said, foregoing the food for now to sit down in the empty chair. Johnny looked a little uneasy that I was there, but he nodded and smiled at me anyway. He had that look in his eye that he gets when he wants to be alone with one of us, but the others keep butting in. We're all a lot harder to influence when we're together than when we're alone. I caught Joey's eye and he nodded at me; at least I knew now why he needed me.
"Chris, this is Jan Houseman," said Johnny, gesturing at the mystery woman. "She does PR for you now." She held out her hand politely and I shook it, equally politely. I didn't know her well enough to read her, but she didn't seem to mind my presence at their little meeting. Obviously she didn't know us very well either.
"We were just talking about the press conference this afternoon," Joey told me flatly, leaning on his elbow and resting his head on his hand. I would have reached out and given him some kind of reassuring touch, but I was on the opposite side of the table and, besides, Johnny and Jan were there, so all I could give him was a look. He smiled at me, but not at anyone else.
"Is the statement all right?" asked Jan, turning back to Joey. He kinda frowned as he read it over again, then nodded slowly.
"It's accurate anyway," he said, then slid the paper over to me. "Chris, you wanna take a look at this and tell me what you think?"
Johnny gave us both a significant look. "Joey, you realize that this is your decision," he said.
"Yeah, I know it is," snapped Joey, "and I want Chris' opinion. Chris?"
"Gimme a sec," I said, scanning the paper. It was short and to the point, but it was pretty good. It hit the stuff we needed to cover without blatantly opening up other areas for question. I mean, the questions would come anyway, but at least this didn't suggest anything to them that they wouldn't have thought of themselves. "Is this what you want to say, Joe?"
He thought about that for a moment. "If I wanted to say anything then, yeah, I guess this would be it," he said. He closed his eyes and I really wanted to be over there next to him to support him. He wasn't giving off the I-need-to-be-alone signals, he was giving off the please-don't-let-me-be-alone ones. I felt helpless and I hated that.
"Good," said Johnny. "There are just a few other things we need to cover." He looked down at his papers and began going through a list that was printed on one of them. "First of all, we need you to avoid references to any drugs other than alcohol and possibly tobacco." He lifted his head. "You don't smoke, do you?"
"No, I don't," said Joey. "Look, I'm not comfortable with that. I've lied about a lot of things, but I don't want to lie about this one."
"We're not asking you to lie, Joey. Just avoid it."
"Fine," he said, sounding terribly resigned. "I'll avoid it. What else?"
He looked down at the paper again. "You will also have to avoid implicating any other members of Nsync when you're answering questions."
"We'll answer for ourselves," I interrupted. "Joey won't lie for us. I thought we were clear on that."
Johnny shot me another look before turning back to Joey. "Joey?"
"I'll defer all questions about anyone else. I'm only there to talk about myself."
"I think the most important thing," said Jan, "is to remain upbeat. To let the fans know that everything is back on track again and that you're fine." Joey frowned and remained silent.
I wanted to tell her that Joey wasn't fine and couldn't she see that? But that wasn't what they cared about. They cared about us getting back on the road and making money again. I mean, they weren't going to abuse us or anything, but Joey was well enough to perform as that was the most important thing of all. To them.
"I'll be there to ward off anything that we don't want to cover," Jan assured us. "Try to stick to the topics in the statement, Joey, and you'll do fine."
"I'll do fine anyway," he muttered. "We've done dozens of these things."
"None quite like this," Johnny warned him. "We'd also like to avoid mention of any relationships, especially those between JC and Tate Sullivan, and yourself and Daisy Nishida."
"Oh, for Christ's sake," said Joey, slapping his hand on the table in frustration. "First of all, there is no relationship between Daisy and me anymore. And second, we've known about JC for years. I'm hardly going to out him now, of all times."
"Control your temper," said Johnny calmly, staring him down. If Joey hadn't been angry before, he certainly was now, but he didn't even rise to lay a finger on our manager.
"Lay off," I said to Johnny. "You're baiting him."
"Chris, we both know how he can get."
"You don't know him at all anymore," I said coldly. "Obviously you don't even want to try."
He looked a little pained at that, but he didn't back down. Johnny was a good manager, none of us would argue with that, but he was stubborn and controlling, and it was something we'd been fighting against since the moment we'd met. Everything worked out best when we stood up for ourselves, and he made things happen.
"It's okay," said Joey, his voice flat. I'd been noticing it did that when his emotions became too much for him and threatened to burn him out. He used to express them; now he just shoved them aside. "He's just doing his job."
"We need to go ahead and ensure that everything is set up for this afternoon," said Jan, standing up and defusing the situation. "If you have any questions, please give me a call." She handed Joey her card then, as an afterthought, handed one to me as well. "We'll see you both later."
"Yes, you will," I said, speaking as much to Johnny as to her. He knew that all of us would be there this afternoon to support Joey; this had been his one chance to get him alone beforehand, and I'd ruined that for him. I liked Johnny and all, but still, I was rather pleased with myself for that accomplishment.
Joey escorted them to the door as I went back to the kitchen to get that breakfast--can you call it breakfast if it's in the afternoon?--that I'd abandoned a short time ago. "You hungry, Joe?" I called out, opening the fridge and figuring that leftovers were our best option until he--we--got a real shopping trip in.
"Starving," he answered, stretching and yawning as he joined me in the kitchen. "Hell, how long did we sleep?"
I grinned at his tone, and at the rumble his stomach gave immediately afterwards. "Too long. We have, oh, about a half an hour before the rest of the guys get here. Do you think we can eat, shower, and be ready to go by then?"
"Nope," he said, boosting himself up to sit on the counter. "So let's not even try. They can wait while we shower; I need to eat now."
I got out the leftover bits of steak and sliced them up, then tracked down the package of buns that we'd picked up and opened it up. "Joey?" I asked as he watched me work. "Is there anything I can do for you? I mean, to make this afternoon any easier?"
"Make it all go away," he said, so softly I barely heard him.
"I would if I could, you know," I answered him as I put our sandwiches together. "I mean that."
"I know," he said. "Thank you. I guess...just be there. That's all I can ask. Probably more than I should ask."
I turned and handed him the sandwich. "More than you should ask?" I repeated. "Joey, that's ridiculous. We're there for you. All of us. You aren't asking for that, we're offering." He just nodded his thanks wordlessly and began on his sandwich. "And even if no one else did, *I* would still offer."
"I don't want to do this," he said, polishing off the food quickly. "I...you mind listening to me ramble for a bit?"
I smiled. "I never mind listening to you ramble," I assured him.
He just nodded. "Can you grab me a drink?" I grabbed him a Coke out of the fridge and waited patiently for him to start. I knew he would only do it in his own time. "I had a hard time sleeping last night," he admitted. "I kept running through everything in my head, what might happen, what you guys might do. What would I do if none of you showed. What would happen if I broke down in the middle of it. That might happen you know..."
"You should have gotten me up," I said. "I would have stayed up and talked to you about it."
"Nah," he said. "I didn't want to talk then. I just wanted to try and make some sense of what I was thinking. Fuck, I'm scared, Chris. I'm scared of the whole thing. How the hell am I going to make it through that, when I couldn't even answer the same questions when my best friends asked them?"
"Do you want an answer?"
"Do you have one?"
"Yeah, I do, kinda," I said. "Joey, it's telling the people you know that's the harder part. They're the ones you care about. They're the ones whose opinions matter to you. Do you really care what a bunch of reporters think of you?"
"I care what the fans think," he countered.
"The reporters aren't the fans. They're just a bunch of people doing their jobs. And that's all we're going to be when we answer their questions--just five guys doing their jobs."
"That's not going to keep it from being emotional."
"No," I admitted. "But it might help us all keep some perspective. The time's gonna come when you do encounter the fans, face to face, and the time's gonna come where you're going to be ready to tell us more about what's going on inside you...but today's neither of those. Today's just us getting up in front of a bunch of reporters and giving them a few facts."
"If only it were that easy."
"I know," I said, patting his knee from where I was standing. It seemed like a silly thing to do, once I'd done it, but it seemed to relax him a little bit. "Go shower," I told him. "It'll feel good. I need to call Dani before she thinks I've dropped off the face of the earth."
He frowned a little. "How long since you guys last talked?"
"About three days," I admitted, cringing a bit. "I should check my voicemail. I bet there are a few messages."
"Yeah, I'll bet there are," he said, smirking a bit. "When she finishes yelling at you, tell her I say hi." I rolled my eyes and waved him upstairs to get ready. He laughed, and it was still such a rare sound that it alone made me feel a whole lot better. Faintly I heard the shower turn on and realized that I'd forgotten to ask for something to wear.
Laying down on the couch, I picked up the portable phone and dialed Danielle's number. She picked it up on the fourth ring, just before her voicemail would have kicked in. "Hello?" she said breathlessly.
"Dani?"
"Chris? Is that you?"
"Yeah, it's me," I said. "How are you doing?" I used one arm to fluff the pillow underneath me, trying to prop myself up a bit more comfortably, the other holding the phone to my ear.
"Chris, where the hell have you been?" she asked. "Your cell phone's been off and when I called your place, Lynn said you hadn't come home at all last night."
"It's, uh, been a little crazy," I said, sighing. "I'm staying with Joey right now. I guess I'm moving in for a bit, until I find a place of my own, anyway.
"You're moving in with Joey>? Are you sure that's a good idea?"
"It was his idea," I told her. "And yeah, I think it's a good one. We go back on tour soon anyway, so it's not like it 's going to be for long." I could almost see her expression, even though she was in another state.
She sighed. "So when am I going to see you again?"
I closed my eyes; I'd known this question was coming and was dreading it. "Look, why don't you fly down here to see us? I'm sure Joey would love to see you."
"Joey would love to see me?" she asked incredulously. "What about you, Chris? You know I can't get away right now. You promised that once Joey was home again..."
"Dani, I know," I interrupted her. "And I'm sorry, but I can't just leave right now. Not even for a couple days. He needs me here."
"I need you," she said simply.
"Danielle...," I said, suddenly weary and edgy at the same time. "Please tell me you're not making me choose..."
She sighed again. "Look, I'll see if maybe, if things aren't too busy, I can get down there this weekend. How would that be?"
I finally smiled, for the first time during the conversation. "That would be great," I told her sincerely. "I miss you."
"I miss you, too." The doorbell rang, startling me. I swung my legs off the side of the couch and grunted as I nailed my knee on the coffee table. "Chris, are you okay?"
"Yeah, sorry," I said, pulling myself up and going to answer it. "It's just the door. The guys are probably here to take us to the press conference."
"Is that today?"
"Yeah, this afternoon," I told her, opening the door and motioning the guys inside silently.
She paused. "How's Joey holding up?"
"As well as can be expected," I said, leaning against the back of the couch. "Listen, I have to go get really. I'll call you later?"
"Okay," she said after another pause. "I love you."
"I love you, too," I said with a slight smile. "Bye." I pressed the off button and dropped the phone onto the couch, turning back to the guys.
"Please tell me you're not wearing that," said Justin, crossing his hands over his chest and eyeing me up and down.
'I might be," I teased. "Did it occur to you I might need a change of clothes?" I could tell by his expression that it hadn't. I chuckled. "I'm just waiting for Joey to get out of the shower so I can borrow something from him. I'll try not to take too long."
Lance glanced at his watch. "We have time," he said. "How's Joey doing?" At his declaration that we had time to spare, JC and Justin immediately claimed the couch, putting their shoes up on the coffee table and kicking back.
"He's...okay," I answered, a little reluctantly. "I guess. I mean, how would you be?"
"I have no idea," he admitted. "I remember how hard it was for us...at that first one...and I think it must be ten times that for him." He shook his head a little. "I wish we didn't have to do this. For all of our sakes.," he said quietly. "Just was a wreck this morning when I got there. He didn't want to go."
"None of us do," I said, watching the stairs for Joey's descent. He came down a moment later, his hair still wet and spiky, dressed in a pair of khakis and a black sweater. He looked good.
"You don't look ready," he said, looking at me and frowning.
I looked down at myself, feigning surprise. "What, you mean you don't think they'll like my new look?"
"Well," he said, tilting his head and examining me. "As a way of distracting attention from me, it's great. As a fashion statement? I wouldn't be caught dead with you."
"Thanks for the vote of confidence," I said, grinning at him a little. The shower *had* done him good, or maybe just given him the time to pull himself together enough to give us a good show. "Once again, I have no clothes. Either someone's going on a quick shopping trip, or I'm borrowing something from you."
"It's on days like this when you wish there was a dresser around," said Joey, shaking his head. "When are you gonna learn that we're not the same size, Chris?"
"Don't be a smartass and get me some pants, would you?" I said. God it felt good to be joking with him like this--like we used to--even if it was only for this brief moment. He ran back up the stairs and came down a few minutes later with another pair of jeans, black this time, less faded and slightly larger than the previous pair, and a deep purple shirt.
"These should do," he said.
"Not too flashy," agreed Lance. "Guys?" JC and Justin turned their heads to check out what Joey'd picked up, and each nodded their approval. They'd been speaking to one another quietly on the couch, and went back to it after a moment. I could almost hear what they were saying, but it seemed too private to eavesdrop on.
"All right," I said, grabbing the clothes. "I'm taking a shower. Be good." I stalked off to the bathroom and left them behind. My shower was hot and quick, and I was still damp when I pulled the clothes on. They fit better than expected, though the jeans were a bit long. I decided to leave them bunched around my ankles rather than risk looking like a dork by rolling them up. The shirt was perfect.
I threw my towel over the curtain rod and walked barefoot back out to the living room. Joey had claimed the large, brown chair that had been always been his favorite, and was almost curled up in it. The smile had left his face and he was watching the other three warily. Lance was perched on the coffee table, gesturing broadly as he spoke to Justin and JC.
"Joey," I said, hoping it wasn't a bad time to get his attention. He hadn't seen me coming and jumped a little at the sound of my voice. "Sorry," I apologized. "I just need some socks." I looked down and wiggled my toes at him.
He smiled, but it was faint and brief. "Come upstairs," he said, pushing himself up out of the chair. I heard Lance mention something about seating arrangements and exit routes as I passed by, but I didn't pause to listen. I knew that if it needed taking care of, Lance would have made sure that it was.
I sat down on his bed and waited as he dug through his drawer, then threw me a pair of black socks. "That's the only dark ones I've got," he admitted. "The rest are white. Well...gray, anyway."
I put them on and stood up again. I was barely on my feet before Joey pulled me into a hug. Instinctively, I wrapped my arms around his back and help him close.
"I'm scared."
"I know," I told him. "It's okay."
"I just needed to tell you that." He pulled away and held me at arm's length. "It helps a little, to say it out loud. We can go now. Let's go do this."
I nodded encouragingly. "Once it's over we'll go and pack up my stuff, then we'll come home and order pizza and just hang out. No worries, no obligation, no nothing."
"Just you and me?"
"Unless you want the other guys here," I said, shrugging to show my willingness to do it either way. In my mind, I'd envisioned just the two of us here tonight, but if he wanted the other guys here, then here they would be invited. "But I think JC has plans with Tate tonight."
Joey smiled a bit. "I've got to meet this Tate guy. Make sure he's good enough for our JC."
"I think you'll like him," I admitted. "I did. And I was all ready to give him the third degree." Joey nodded, still smiling a little. I think it tickled him to imagine JC being so taken with someone. We'd seen him with so many girlfriends where he was always so serious, so meticulous. He planned everything about the relationships then...and now, with Tate, he just had fun and went with it. It was a huge change.
"We'll see," he said, and I got the feeling that Tate was going to get a thorough cross-examination before Joey considered him up to standard. I couldn't blame him. He'd made mistakes in his own relationship, and he didn't want anyone repeating them.
He surprised me by reaching out and straightening my glasses. "You wearing these today?"
"Yeah," I replied. "I figure they give us that serious, businesslike edge."
He nodded. "You look good."
"Thanks."
"All right," he said, taking a deep breath. "The limo's waiting outside. Let's grab the guys and get this over with.
Lance had planned our seating thoughtfully. He hadn't let anyone from management or PR do it; they would have probably done something stupid like arrange us by height, or alphabetically by name. Lance had put Joey in the middle, naturally, with himself and me on either side. If the going got really rough, we'd both be close enough to help him through it. Justin he put on his other side and JC on mine.
I think he was worried about Justin, or at least he seemed to be. I was pretty confident that there wouldn't be any kind of repeat of yesterday's blow-up--press conferences were second nature to Justin and he knew how to act--but something else unpredictable might happen. I honestly think maybe Lance wanted him there because he knew he could control Justin, and the same wasn't true for the situation with Joey.
And I was pretty sure that he'd put JC on my other side because he knew all my attention would be focused on Joey, and I wouldn't have anything left to interact with anyone else. I knew I was pretty transparent to him that way, but it was okay because it was Lance and I trusted him. His coping strategy had been to withdraw, and mine had been to get closer.
"Ladies and gentlemen," came Jan's calm, sure voice through the din. "If you'll please take your seats and be quiet, Mr. Fatone has a brief statement he would like to read. After that we will open the floor to questions."
The room hushed and Joey cleared his throat, leaning into his microphone. I could see he was trembling, but it wouldn't have been visible to the sea of reporters in front of us.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the press," he said, his voice surprisingly clear. "I thank you for coming out today. As you are aware, certain events transpired almost two months ago that put the Nsync tour on hold and caused all of us to take a little time away from it all. I'm here today to talk about that, and to set the record straight about what really happened."
He took a deep breath. He wasn't even looking at the piece of paper he was holding in front of him; he'd read it over so many times on the way here that he probably had it memorized, word for word.
"On May 23rd I was admitted to hospital to treat a series of accidentally self-inflicted injuries. The following day I was transferred to a facility that must, for security reasons, remain nameless, for the treatment of acute alcoholism. I was released two days ago, on July 10th, and I'm living clean now.
"It's been a difficult few weeks, and I'd like to thank everyone, especially my fellow members of Nsync, for their support during this time. I regret the things I've put everyone through, and I especially regret what this might have done to our fans. They're a great bunch of people, and knowing they were out there has helped me to get through this. Thank you."
He pushed the sheet of paper away from him and looked down, dropping his hands to his sides. I immediately took one of them into my own, in a show of silent support. Our of the corner of my eye, I saw Lance doing the same thing on his other side.
The questions were already erupting from the reporters, but Jan once again took control of the situation with barely a wave of her hands and a stern look. Damn, she was good at what she did. I wondered if we were going to keep her around once this whole thing had finally blown over. "One at a time," she said loudly, then pointed at someone in the front row. "Go ahead."
"Do you have plans to resume the tour at this point?"
We all knew that Lance was going to handle this one, and immediately looked at him. If it hadn't been such a serious situation, it might have looked comical. "We're definitely going to be rescheduling the dates that we missed," he said, in complete control. "We're still talking to the various venues, but we expect to be making an announcement of the new tour dates within a week."
Jan was on top of the crowd this time, pointing out someone further back in the group who had stood, tape recorder in hand. "How has this affected your family?"
Joey nodded, acknowledging the question but hesitating before answering. "It's been hard on them," he said finally. "I haven't had many opportunities to see them since I went into rehab, but we've spoken. They're out of the country right now to get away from the constant barrage of questions they've been getting, and I wish them the best of luck at that."
There it was, his first jab at the press, and a well-deserved one, at that. Our families were used to the pressures of having press and fans try to contact them all the time, but what the Fatones had endured over the past weeks had been way past the harassment line. Still...they should have been here, for Joey's release, and I still couldn't quite believe that they weren't.
"Why aren't they here today?"
I cringed, and uncharitably wished that they would be held accountable for that question, but I knew that the burden of it was going to fall on Joey. For a brief moment Joey looked like he wasn't going to answer the question, then he lifted his head.
"While I wish the they could have been here with me today," he said, his voice low and even. I could see he was struggling to keep it that way. "I understand why they might find it difficult. Perhaps, in the end, it's for the best."
"Next question please," said Jan, cutting off anything further in that line of questioning. I could see the relief flood Joey's face, but it was to be short-lived. And we all knew that.
"If you could say one thing to the fans right now, what would it be?"
"I would say I'm sorry," he answered immediately. "I never wanted to hurt or disappoint anyone. And I hope that they'll learn from the mistakes I've made, because I wouldn't want anyone else to have to go through this." I looked at him and gave him an encouraging smile, but I don't think he saw. Everyone else did, though.
"In the red blouse," said Jan. "Please go ahead."
The woman stood up to be seen by us. "Do any of the rest of you still use intoxicating substances and, if so, how do you feel that affects the group?"
We all kinda looked at each other to see who would field that question first. Justin spoke up. "Well, I'm just a kid," he said with that disarming smile, effectively sidestepping the question. "I'm underage, so I'll have to let the rest of the guys answer that one."
"Well," said JC, managing to avoid shooting Justin a look, knowing that he'd answered the question 'correctly', if misleadingly. "I can't say we don't have a couple drinks when we go out these days," he admitted, "but we're much more conscious of what we're drinking and when."
"I agree," said Lance. "And we're also kinda hyperaware of what the people around us are doing, as well, especially if we're at an industry event or something like that. I don't think any of us want to find ourselves in this situation again." He squeezed Joey's hand and smiled, first at him and then at me, indicating it was my turn to answer.
"I don't," I said bluntly, looking the reporter in the eye.
Joey turned to me, clearly surprised. "Really?" he asked, so softly that the mike didn't pick it up.
"Yeah, really," I said, choosing to answer him before I went on with answering the question. I, too, squeezed the hand I was holding, then turned back to the sea of reporters. "I made the decision to stop drinking the day that Joey went into detox. And, no, I don't think I had a problem, but after seeing what happened it really made me think about the consequences of that kind of lifestyle. For me, it wasn't worth it.
"And," I added, turning to Joey and talking more to him, though still answering the reporter's question. "I thought it would be easier on Joey, coming back to a situation where he wasn't exposed to alcohol all the time."
"Thank you," he mouthed.
"You're welcome," I mouthed back.
I think the reporters were almost more interested in our interaction there than they were in the actual answer to the question.
"You seem surprised by the answers, Joey," she went on.
He might have been about to answer the question, but I stepped in anyway. "Joey's only been back with us for less than two days," I said, probably sounding a little pissed off, but I didn't care. "We're barely had a chance to ask each other the questions that you're asking us now. So yes, some of these things we're all hearing for the first time right now, and you'll have to excuse us if we're not familiar with what everyone else is thinking. We're a family, but we're a family that's been apart for a while now and we'll need a little more than two days to catch up."
She nodded and sat down. Joey shot me a grateful look, while Johnny just frowned at me from the sidelines.
"What was the reaction of your bandmates to the revelation that you were an alcoholic?" came another question.
Joey closed his eyes for a moment and was clearly trying to compose himself enough to answer. Finally he just lifted his hands at the same time he lifted his head, and showed that Lance and I were still holding them, tightly, giving him the support he needed.
"By the time I was admitted, I hardly think it was a revelation," he answered, dropping his hands again. "But they've been great," he said, choking up a little. "They've been amazing. I couldn't ask for a more supportive group of people. As for their initial reactions? I'll have to get them to answer that, because that's one of those things that I just don't know."
Surprisingly, it was Justin who spoke up this time. "I think that at this point," he said, "that's something that's still between us and Joey. Maybe at some later date we'll discuss it, but for now we all decline to answer that question."
We nodded our agreement. Joey, however, had just about reached his breaking point. I looked up at Jan and, thankfully, caught her eye. Silently I pleaded for this to be over soon. She held up a hand to indicate she'd try to keep it down to five more minutes.
"Joey, is it true that you were responsible for getting your girlfriend, a Miss Daisy Nishida, addicted to drugs, resulting in her dropping out of college?"
"No," he said loudly. Too loudly. "That's absolutely false."
"But according to an interview she gave three weeks ago, she said you also stopped talking to her when she tried to get you to quit..."
"That's not how it happened at all..." he started, then froze. His face was white.
"That's enough questions for today," she said, raising her hands as the din in the room began to rise again. I gave Joey's hand a last squeeze and let go as we began to rise to file out of the room. Thank God it was over. Thank God we wouldn't be put in that situation again for a long while. It's dangerous being in front of a group of people when you know that nothing you say, do or look like is going to be off the record.
We were ushered into a private room to wait for the crowd to be cleared out. While the rest of the guys claimed the scattered chairs, Joey went over into the corner and slumped down against the wall. I just watched for a moment; his body language was screaming 'stay away' and so I decided I would, at least for a little while. It would be at least twenty minutes before we got out of here--maybe by that point he would be the one to come to me.
"Is he okay?" JC asked me softly, looking at Joey's huddled form.
I felt a momentary flash of anger. Why ask me? Why not ask him if he's okay? What, are you afraid of being around him without me as a buffer? All of you? I know you can't read his body language the way I can, because none of you have spent the kind of time with him that I have. I've devoted the last two months to him. And what have you done? You just let me do it and expected me to be your liaison to Joey when he came back out.
"I don't know," I said.
"Maybe you should go talk to him," he suggested, still looking at Joey out of the corner of his eye.
"He doesn't want to talk," I said flatly. I resisted the urge to look at him. There was nothing that made a person more self-conscious than knowing they were being stared at. We should know.
"Are you sure?"
"As sure as I can be," I told him. "Just...just sit down, C. We'll be out of here soon enough."
His face clouded momentarily, then he seemed to shake it off. "Are we going back to Joey's when we get out of here, or do you think we should leave him alone?"
I shook my head. "I need to pack up and move some of my stuff. I've been pantsless two days in a row now...I don't need to go through that again. And I need clean underwear like you wouldn't believe."
"Chris," he said, putting a solemn hand on my shoulder. "That's one of those things I just didn't need to know." He looked past me for a moment, towards Joey, and smiled to himself just a little. "Huh. He's on the phone. Guess he was in a talking mood after all."
I glanced over my shoulder at him. JC was right, he was still curled up in the corner, talking on his cell phone. It only took me one guess to figure out who it was with, and I wasn't about to share that knowledge with JC. They had to have known that Joey was still in therapy, even if he wasn't doing the whole group thing, but I didn't know if he'd ever actually told them.
There was just no way that Joey was talking to anyone but Karen right now.
"Leave him alone," I said absently, watching in spite of myself. Wishing for a guilty moment that he was talking to me and not someone who didn't care about him.
"How do you do it?" he asked.
I turned to him, confused. "How do I do what?"
"How do you spend so much time with him? How do you look at him and see him like you used to see him? How come you never once got angry, through this whole thing?"
I couldn't keep my shock off my face. Is that how they saw him? Is that how they saw me? "I can't even believe you're asking me that," I said, shaking my head.
"That came out wrong," said JC. "I just meant...don't you ever need time away? Doesn't it ever get too...intense?" He looked at me helplessly, probably knowing that he still hadn't said things quite the way he meant to, but willing me to understand anyway.
I shrugged. "Yeah, sure it does. But that's when he really needs me to be there."
"You?" asked JC, "or just someone?"
"I don't know," I admitted. "It's been me, all along, so far. You'll have to ask him, if you want to know the answer to that." I crossed my arms over my chest and tried not to think of Joey turning to someone else. Maybe it would be a relief, if it was just once. But I'd gotten used to feeling special, I realized, and I didn't want to lose that.
"God, I miss him," said JC wistfully, surprising me.
"Then get to know him again," I said quietly. "Because he misses you too."
"Is that it?" Joey asked me, lifting the box into his car and slamming the door.
"Yeah, that's it. For now," I said, surveying the load.
Once we'd gotten out of the building, Joey'd seemed to perk up a bit. The conversation with Karen'd probably done him some good. That and getting away from all the reporters, all the pressure. We went back to his place and drove his car back to Justin's. Between his car and JC's jeep, we'd pretty much loaded up everything I was going to need. It was strange, moving so much stuff. Sure, we traveled all the time, but I hadn't actually moved in years.
"We ready to move out?" asked Justin, moving to my side and looking things over.
"Yeah, I think so," I said, turning to him. I smiled wistfully. "I'm gonna miss you."
He laughed. "No, you're not. You have Joey, now."
"Yeah, but he's not you," I tried to convince him.
"Besides," he said shrugging. "We'll see each other every day anyway. And...I feel a bit better, knowing there's someone there looking out for Joey."
I nodded, knowing the double meaning of what he was saying. I would make sure Joey was okay, and I'd keep him out of trouble, probably in equal parts. I trusted Joey more than Justin did, but even I could admit that I had my moments of doubt, my moments of worry. I didn't share those with him--I wanted him to feel like there was at least one person who trusted him--but I had them.
"All right," said Joey. "Chris, I'm riding with you in my car. JC, Just, you guys taking the jeep?"
"I'm riding with JC," corrected Lance. "Justin's driving his own car over."
"Okay, then," he said, opening the passenger side door. "I'll see you guys over there!"
I got in and pulled away, before it occurred to anyone to start any sort of teary good-bye. Yeah, I felt that little feeling of loss-slash-excitement inside that signaled a new phase in my life, but it had all just happened so fast I hadn't had time to get sentimental over it. It was probably best that way.
I turned to Joey and saw him frowning slightly as he looked out his window.
"What's up?" I asked him. There were so many things that it could have been, I couldn't even begin to guess which it was.
"Did you know about the interview Daisy gave?"
I shook my head. "None of us did, Joey. I'm sure PR's gonna track it down and do a bit of spin doctoring on that whole issue, though. She's totally unreliable, Joey. People are gonna believe your word over hers."
"Maybe," he said. "I don't want to talk about it yet."
"Okay," I said agreeably. "Then let's not."
We rode for a few more minutes in silence, then a slight, unexpected smile crossed his face.
"Joey? What is it?" I asked, a smile crossing my face in reaction to his own.
"Oh, nothing," he said breezily. "Just...it's over. It's over."
"Yeah," I agreed. "Feels good. So let's agree not to watch any entertainment news tonight. Any news at all. And no papers tomorrow, either. Agreed?"
"Hey, you're not gonna get any arguments from me on that," he said, raising his hands. "We'll be busy moving your stuff anyway. No time to worry about that other stuff." I could hear the false cheer in his voice, and wondered why he felt the need to show it in front of me.
"You okay?" I asked reluctantly. I hadn't wanted to ask, hadn't wanted to bring down his mood, but I needed to know.
"I...okay? Yes," he said slowly. "There's just some stuff...well, we'll talk after the guys leave, okay?"
I willed myself not to feel insecure, not to ask him whether or not it was really me he wanted to talk to, or if I was just a convenient ear. He had enough of his own problems to deal with, and didn't need to be dealing with my hang-ups.
"It's a deal," I said.
I backed into the driveway, about as close as I could get to the front door, and grabbed the first thing that came to hand to haul in the door. The sooner we got everything inside, the sooner we could kick back and relax. And kicking back and relaxing was something I knew all of us would appreciate right about now.
JC pulled in right behind us and Justin ended up parking out on the street, just to stay out of the way. Pretty soon we had a steady stream of boxes, bags and suitcases going inside and in under half an hour the bedroom I'd chosen was filled with things that needed unpacking. And they were gonna stay that way, too, dammit.
"Okay," said Joey, stretching and popping a couple of vertebrae. "Someone order pizza or something. I'm just gonna sit for a while."
"Actually, I need to get going," confessed JC. "It's getting late and I'm going out with Tate tonight."
I watched, amused, as Lance widened his eyes at JC and tilted his head towards Joey to indicate that JC'd probably neglected to share with him the most recent turn his life had taken.
"Oh, shit," he said, shaking his head. "Joey. Uh, Tate is--"
"--your boyfriend," finished Joey, looking almost as amused as I. "I know; Chris told me. Congratulations. So am I actually going to get to meet him at some point?"
"Oh, well yeah, sure," said JC, a little flustered.
"Good. Give me a call tomorrow some time," said Joey. "We should all get together this weekend. After all, Monday's when we get to start this whole machine rolling again."
JC groaned a little, then smiled. "So soon, so soon," he grumbled good-naturedly. "Sure, I'll give you a call. Night guys, talk to you later."
We said our chorus of good nights to JC as he left, and I made a mental note to ask JC a bit about his relationship if I talked to him tomorrow. I'd been realizing that I'd lost touch with the rest of my friend's lives somewhat when I started focusing on Joey's. Having a boyfriend, after all this time, had to be a pretty big deal for JC. And, truth be told, I had to admit to a bit of curiosity about them.
A vibration in my pocket startled me out of my thoughts, and I realized my phone was ringing. "Hello?" I answered.
"Hello, Chris?"
"Oh, Dani, hey," I said, sitting myself down on arm of the couch. "Sorry I haven't called you back yet, but--"
"I know, I know," she interrupted with a resigned sigh. "You've been busy. I just wanted to find out how things went today. I won't keep you long."
"As well as they could, I guess," I told her. "It's been a long day, that's for sure."
"Do you want me to try and catch any of the reports? Or are you guys doing that?"
"Actually," I confessed. "We're avoiding them. Can you try and see what MTV does, though? I'd like to know what kind of spin they're putting on this."
"Sure, no problem," she said, somewhat unenthusiastically.
"Hey, Dani?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm really looking forward to seeing you this weekend," I said softly. I was aware of how little we'd seen one another lately, and I knew that deep down Dani understood, but I still wanted to let her know how much seeing her meant to me.
"Me too," she said, her tenseness disappearing. "Call me tomorrow, okay?"
"I will," I told her. "I promise."
"Good night, Chris."
"Night, Dani. Love you." I turned the phone off and stuck it back in my pocket, turning to see where everyone else had gone. Lance was on the couch behind me, Justin in the chair, and Joey was in the kitchen, presumably left to order the pizzas.
"You know what goes good with pizza?" said Lance out of nowhere. "Beer."
"Lance!" I snapped at him, at the same time Justin gave him a worried look.
"Relax, guys," he said. "I'm not going to get any. Not yet. I'm just saying."
"That's not funny," I said, frowning at him.
"Not meant to be," he said, raising an eyebrow at me. "Chris...Joey's never asked us to put our lives on hold for him. I bet if I'd said that to him, he'd be way less uptight about it than you two."
"Maybe," I said dubiously. "But don't push it today, okay? It's been a hard day. For all of us."
"Maybe that's why I need the beer," he muttered, but didn't press the issue any further than that. Justin seemed torn between my point of view and Lance's, and ended up just sitting back in the chair with his eyes closed, waiting for the food to arrive.
Lance and Justin left right after eating. It'd be nice to think that they sensed Joey's deteriorating mood and decided to give him a bit of time alone, but I was reasonably certain they were going out to get a drink. I admitted to myself that one probably would have gone down really good right now, but I'd made a promise to myself--and to Joey, even if he didn't know it--and I wasn't going to break it over a tough day.
Lance paused at the door before leaving and looked like he was going to say something, then he shook his head and turned to leave again.
"Lance, what is it?" I asked before he could disappear into the night. It was a bad idea to leave things unsaid between us, not when they could be forgotten and fester and come back again, later, far worse than they would have been. We'd learned that the hard way.
He turned back. "It's just..." He seemed to be struggling for the right words. "Take care of yourself," he said. "And remember...you can't protect him from everything. You shouldn't."
I nodded at him, to acknowledge what he was saying more than to agree with him. He seemed to realize that because he shrugged helplessly, then gave me a reassuring smile and left the house. He didn't need to be worrying about me; he was reading more into the situation than was there, that much I was sure of. He always did.
Joey and I cleaned up, then sat outside again, in the dark, comfortable in our chosen chairs as married couples are comfortable with their side of the bed. He closed his eyes and for a long while I thought he'd fallen asleep, but then he spoke up.
"Have you ever needed something so badly that you can feel it gnawing inside you?" he asked. "And you think that if you don't get it soon you're going to go insane?" Whether the question was rhetorical or not, I didn't have a chance to respond before he went on. "That was me today, when we got out of the press conference. I needed a drink so badly that I thought I was going out of my mind."
"But you didn't," I said. Perhaps that was the most obvious thing I could say, but it also showed him that I noticed. I didn't know what he was going through, and I wasn't going to lie to him and pretend that I did, but I could let him know that I wasn't blind to his successes.
"I called Karen," he said.
"I know."
"How?"
"I saw you on the phone," I admitted. "You seemed like you were in pretty bad shape. I took a guess." He turned to me and smiled, so I guessed that he wasn't too upset at my assumption.
"I guess you know me better than anyone," he admitted. "I should have known that you'd already know. Do you want to know what we talked about?" He seemed sincere enough with the offer, which surprised me.
"You've trained me not to ask," I told him. "I don't wanna...you know, upset you."
"Chris, it's okay to upset me. I wish you knew that. Do I have to tell everyone that, every day? God...just treat me like a human being again...that's all I ask..."
"I thought that's what I've been doing."
"Yeah, that's what I thought too, until that BS about not upsetting me..."
I frowned. "Joey, I just said that because..."
"Chris, I like you," he interrupted me. "I always have. You've been a great friend and you been just...just amazing these last few weeks. But don't stop being yourself because you think it would upset me. I couldn't live with that."
"That's not what I'm doing," I told him. "Joey, that's not what I'm doing. You know how you've changed over the past couple of months? How you've grown? Well...I think I'm changing too."
"I didn't want to change you."
"You didn't. I did."
We lapsed into silence for a long moment, listening to the quiet suburban sounds around us. The few cars that passed by. The televisions through open windows. Children being called inside to bed.
"Can I tell you something?" asked Joey. "And you promise it won't make things weird?"
"Joe...think about it...there's not much you can tell me that'll be any harder than what we're already going through."
He laughed. "That's true. I just...I wanted to tell you that there's no one I'd rather be out here with than you. And I'm glad you moved in, even if it is only for a few weeks. That doesn't freak you out, does it?"
I smiled inwardly, suddenly secure in the knowledge that I was more than a convenience. It shouldn't have mattered so much, but everyone likes to feel important. Even those of us who know better than to read anything personal into an addict's recovery strategy. "No, of course not, why would it?"
He shrugged. "I don't want to seem needy. And I don't want to seem like I don't appreciate the other guys, because I do."
"I know you do. They know you do. It's just...with you and me, it's a little different, that's all."
He smiled and nodded and I felt like I'd said exactly the right thing at the right time. "Chris?" "Yeah?"
"I have an appointment with Karen at her office on Friday. Do you want to take me? And then maybe you and me can get some coffee afterwards and talk?"
"You serious?" I asked him.
"Yeah. Yeah, I am." He shrugged. "I don't know how much I'm going to want to say, but it's a good place to start, right?"
I smiled. "I'd be honored," I told him honestly. I knew how big a deal it was for him; it was barely two days ago that he hardly wanted to talk about it at all, and now he was slowly letting me inside. I wanted to know him, wanted to understand him, and I would be there for him wherever and whenever he would let me be.