This place already felt familiar to me, even though this was only the second time I'd been here. And only the second time Joey'd been, too -- she'd have met him at the facility before, I realized, since I knew he hadn't come out. Maybe it felt familiar because I'd already thumbed through all the available magazines at least once. Joey was running late and I was expecting a call from one of the guys -- or even Wade -- any moment now. I wasn't going to interrupt though; Joey hadn't been kidding when he'd said he had a lot to talk to her about.
I was really starting to wonder if I should maybe be talking to someone too. Before, before all this started with Joey -- the rehab thing, anyway -- I would've always talked to Dani. But that wasn't an option anymore, especially since what I needed to talk about most was how suddenly my relationship with Joey had turned into something very new and different. Something she'd even predicted. It wasn't as though I needed a professional to deal with that, though -- I just wanted to talk about it. And actually, I probably just needed to call my mom. She might not know what to tell me, but she sure knew how to listen.
On cue, my phone started ringing. I fished it out quickly before anyone could give me dirty looks for interrupting the silence. "I know we're late," I answered it, no doubt in my mind that whoever had ended up calling would want to hear just that.
"We noticed." It was Gary, which hadn't even occurred to me. Of course Gary would call. "Where are you?"
"What, you have to check on us?" I said, anger rising up in spite of any good intentions I might have had to get along with him. "You can't trust me to get him to therapy and back in one piece?"
"Chris," he said calmly. "You know I'm just doing my job. And besides, I'm the only one not busy running through a few things." More than a few, I was sure, but that didn't mean he needed to be checking up on us. And we weren't that late, anyway. I let the silence between us linger. "Where are you?" he repeated finally, and I thought I heard a sigh. Good.
"He's still in his session. Would you like to speak to the receptionist to confirm that or will you take my word for it?"
"Your word is fine," he said, his calm starting to sound more resigned than patient. "Chris, I'm not your enemy. You know that."
"Yeah, but you're not exactly my friend either."
"Chris," he said again, slowly and carefully, then stopped talking entirely for a moment. I waited through the dead air; I wouldn't be the first to give in. "Do you know how much longer you'll be?" he asked finally. Conversationally, even.
"I don't know. But you know we're coming there as soon as we're done here, I'm not stupid. And I care too much about Joey, too."
"I know that," he said easily. "Of course I know that. I'm just doing what I have to do. I'll see you when you get here, all right?"
"You will," I had to agree, even though it wasn't something I was looking forward to. "Bye, Gary." I disconnected the call before he could say anything else, tucking the phone back in my pocket.
It was another ten minutes before Joey appeared in the door, smiling broadly even before he spotted me and motioned me over.
"Hi," he said, his smile suggested all the ways he'd be touching me if we were somewhere else. "I just wanted you guys to meet."
Until that point I hadn't even realized that Karen was standing right there behind him, watching us. But really, given the night that we'd just had, I didn't think anyone would blame me for being just a little more focused on Joey than anything else. Anyone who knew about it, anyway, which I was sure she did.
She was a lot taller than I'd pictured -- for some reason I'd figured her for petite, but she was taller than me -- and she would have looked stern except for the fact that her eyes were twinkling. She looked like she was genuinely happy to be meeting me as she held out her hand.
"Hi," I said, shaking her hand firmly. "Um, I'm Chris."
"Karen," she said, surprising me by using her first name instead of her title. Didn't doctors like to use their titles? To distinguish themselves from people like Gary?
"I've heard a lot about you," I said, glancing at Joey. I was pretty sure she'd heard a lot about me, too, but of course she couldn't say. Joey gave me an encouraging smile as I let go of her hand, but I couldn't tell what he was wanting me to say or do.
"It's a pleasure to finally meet you," she said, taking a step back. "Joey, I'll have my receptionist give you a call to confirm what we worked out."
"Sure," said Joey, but he was still looking at me. "We're really late, aren't we?"
I had to nod. "Gary already called, but I told him you'd be out when you were out and I wasn't gonna try and rush it any." Joey's look was grateful.
"Well, I won't keep you any longer then," said Karen amiably. "Joey, we'll be in touch soon."
"Thanks," he said. My hand was twitching to take his but I managed to keep it to myself as Karen closed her office door again, and as we left the building and headed out to the car.
"So that was Karen, huh?" I said as I unlocked the car for us. No coffee adventure this time, even if we hadn't been running late.
"Yeah, that was Karen," he confirmed. "I just wanted you to meet her, before we left on tour again. So you'd kinda know who I was talking to."
"Thanks," I said. He'd sat down in the car and turned his head and was just watching me. Glancing from side to side -- and then from side to side again, to be sure -- I leaned in and gave him a very quick kiss. "We do need to hurry," I said a moment later as I started the car. "I'd really rather Gary didn't have to call again."
"Sorry about that."
"Had a lot to talk about?" I offered tentatively. It wasn't that I wanted him to tell me what they'd talked about ... well, yes, it was. But I didn't expect him to. I just figured that whatever they'd talked about today had a lot to do with me, and what was going on between me and Joey.
"Yeah," he said after a moment of thought. "That wasn't why I was late, though. We needed to work out the arrangements for when we're on tour. Like when I'm gonna call and how to reach her and how to reach me, and stuff."
"Oh! Yeah, I guess there's some logistics to work out there. Um ... still just the once a week?"
"Well, yeah," he said, giving me a strange look. It wasn't as though the question was that far out in left field, though -- being back on tour was gonna be a lot more pressure than being at home. "Why ... you think I need more therapy than I'm getting?"
"No, no!" I protested quickly, but he lay his hand on my arm and smiled.
"I was kidding," he said, but he probably didn't realize his hand was trembling on my arm. "But I am just keeping the same appointment schedule as now."
"I just worry," I said lamely as we pulled out of the parking garage and onto the street. "Touring's gonna be ... "
"I know," he interrupted me, but not rudely. "She says it's good that Gary's gonna be along, that he can help me deal with some of the stuff that I'm gonna run into."
"Excuse me, Gary?" I repeated, not quite believing what I was hearing. "What's he got to do with it?" As we pulled up to a red light, I turned my head to look at him.
"Chris," he said, his voice slightly pained. "Gary's an experienced counselor. If I run into something, I can go to him, he's right there."
"That's not the same thing, though," I argued. "Gary just 'being around' can't replace your therapist."
"And he's not going to," said Joey, shaking his head. "But he is going to be there, and isn't it a better idea to use him, rather than fight against him? He's not going away, no matter what we do." The resignation in his voice was obvious to me.
"So what, you're just giving up?"
"It's not giving up!" he said, with a growl of frustration. "We've been through this. This is just me, accepting that Gary being with us is healthy. And useful. Maybe for all of us."
"Not for me," I muttered, wishing this had never come up in the first place.
"We talked about this, you know," said Joey, his tone going back to conversational. "Today."
"Talked about what?"
"Your reaction to Gary," he said, then paused, as though gauging my reaction before going on. I didn't give him one. "We actually spent a while talking about it. Not as long as I talked about you and me -- and about what I was doing last night before you got home -- but still a while."
"Really," I said, knowing as soon as I said it that I hadn't succeeded in sounding disinterested. "Well fine, then. As long as you're finally telling me all about therapy, what did she have to say about that?"
"Chris ... " he began warningly, then just shook his head at me. "Actually, she thinks you're jealous. And so do I."
"She thinks I'm ... what?" A horn blaring behind us told me I'd missed the light changing, and I turned away from Joey to gun it through. "What is there to be jealous of? That's ridiculous."
"Before Gary came along, you were the one taking care of me," said Joey simply. "And then when Gary came along, they took that away from you. Like you weren't doing it well enough."
I knew that he had to be parroting Karen's words back at me, but that didn't make it sting any less. "He doesn't let you do anything," I muttered. "He probably doesn't even trust you to piss by yourself. I know he doesn't trust you to eat out by yourself, or even go into bars at all, or get to and from rehearsal ... "
"He's exactly what I needed, Chris."
"I was supposed to be exactly what you needed." Joey fell silent for a moment, his eyes wide. I didn't say anything else, though, because there it was. Out there. And suddenly I realized it was something everyone else already knew.
"Oh, Chris," he said quietly, like he was pitying me. "Shit. I thought you understood."
"Understood what?" I snapped, my eyes on the road. "Understood that you need a stranger more than you need me?"
"Shit," said Joey again. "I can't believe I never saw it. She said this might be exactly how you were feeling, but I wasn't so sure ... " I really wished he would stop telling me what his therapist thought of me and get on with it. "Chris, I need him for entirely different reasons than I need you. I need him because he isn't my friend, because he'll do what needs to be done, no matter how much it might hurt."
"I could've done that."
"No, Chris," he said, his gentleness as infuriating as it was calming. "You couldn't have, because you love me too much. And because I love you too much." His hand was on my leg again as I drove, steady and anchoring. "Because we're friends and ... " His smile grew; I barely had to turn my head to see it. "And we're something more, now. And I need that, too, but to help heal me, not to help keep me on the right path, right now."
"I wanted to do both."
"I don't need you to do both," he said. "I need you to be my friend, and my bandmate, and my boyfriend."
"Well, I guess I'm that," I had to say. "Do you really need him that much, Joey?"
"He was one of management's better ideas," he said. "Even if they didn't mean it to work the way it is. They may have meant to give me a jailer, but they didn't. They gave me someone I can rely on to help me get through this."
I didn't know how I was supposed to respond to that, so I just said, "We're here," as I pulled into the lot and parked the car. At least no one had called again, which would have just been the icing on the cake. When I finally looked at him again he was staring at him, only half a smile on his face.
"Yeah, we are," he said softly. "Pick this up later?"
"I'm sure we will," I said with just the slightest groan. I didn't think the topic was something that either one of us was ready to let go of. Yet, anyway.
Before we got out of the car he leaned over and trapped me against my seat, kissing me again. It was safer here, and we both let it last a lot longer. And when it was over the whole issue of Gary seemed a lot less pressing than it had.
"It's going to be a brutal day, isn't it?" he said with a rueful grin.
"It's going to be a very brutal day," I agreed. The days before the tour was going to start again were numbered, and we weren't ready for it yet. Now that they were more sure that Joey wasn't going to crack, they were going to ride us harder than ever.
"Well, it helps knowing what I get to go home to at the end of the day," he said, with another kiss. I could only grin at him happily, in obvious agreement, as we finally left the car and went inside.
"You really don't think we're going to get back to work without finding out how your night went?" said Lance. He was the only one eyeing me, but the other two were hanging around expectantly.
I was startled for a second before I realized that my night, as far as they knew, had consisted of a whirlwind round trip to L.A. to talk to Dani, and not all the things that had happened after I got back.
"Lance," said JC, but the warning was mild. While he didn't want to be rude about it, I knew he wanted to know what happened, too. And while I wasn't particularly interested in talking about it, it wasn't something I couldn't say. The tone for my day seemed to be set, though. For every good and happy moment I had, there seemed to be a dozen more than just made me cranky.
"We broke up," I said bluntly. "Isn't that what we were all waiting for? Now Wade's waiting, we need to rehearse."
"Since when do you care if we keep Wade waiting?" joked Justin, his smile uneasy.
"How about since right now?"
"Easy," murmured Joey, resting a hand on the small of my back for just a moment. "You know how he is." That Joey could be that forgiving of Justin's temperament -- even after everything Justin had put him through -- meant I could be, too. I should be.
"I'm okay," I said finally, sure that was what they were waiting for. "I knew it was coming. And she's still coming to our thing, this weekend, so don't worry."
"Why would we -- ?" began JC, and I saw Joey give him a little poke to shut him up. "Well, as long as you're okay with that," he finished lamely. "It's not about how we feel about it."
"No, wait," said Justin, and I really did love the kid but I groaned inwardly when I realized this conversation wasn't gonna be over until he put his two cents worth in. "That's it? You're really okay with it?"
"It's not going to make me any more okay with it to be talking to you guys about it right now," I said, making a real effort not to snap at him. We had hours and hours of rehearsal ahead of us and I didn't want to start them by tripping Justin's trigger. Especially since that trigger was touchier right now than ever before. "It was just last night. Gimme a break."
"But it's for real," Justin pushed, prodded at me a little. "It's not one of those things where you break up but it's only for a few days because you really love each other?"
"Justin ... " began Joey, and I noticed the way he was hovering over me a little. Protectively. Joey was protecting me. I almost laughed, which would have been so, so inappropriate. And raised more questions than I was in any mood to answer.
I bit the inside of my cheek for a minute before waving Joey off and answering him, calling up the appropriate cliché to make the situation crystal clear in Justin's mind. "Sometimes love isn't enough," I told him. "Sometimes other things get in the way."
"Like the group."
"We can talk about this another time," said Joey. I would have called him off again but fate decided to step in for me this time.
"Are you gonna stand around chatting all day, girls?" came Wade's voice, from too close for comfort. Another day of knee-wrenching, muscle-aching, mind-numbing rehearsal was about to start. I wished I could bring myself to feel some enthusiasm about it.
Joey, however, looked like someone had just told him his life was about to start again. And maybe, in some way, we had. His eyes were bright and he smiled and it was so fucking good to see him excited about this again that I couldn't help letting myself get carried along, at least a little.
"Did it happen?" asked JC, a surprisingly eager look on his face, drinking half of his bottle of water and pouring part of the rest over his face.
"It?" I parroted back to him, pretending to be distracted by whatever Wade was demonstrating to Joey so I could puzzle out just what he meant by that. Hoping it meant something other than what I suspected it might.
"You and Joey," he clarified, dropping his voice. "Something's different, Chris. Did it happen?"
"Me and Joey?" I repeated, my head jerking back toward him and my jaw dropping a little. "Shit, C, how did you ... ?"
"So it did?" he said, his grin widening. "That's fabulous, Chris." I must have looked absolutely dumbstruck, because he reached out and ruffled my hair affectionately, earning himself a swat. "Unlike you, some of us actually saw this coming."
"You what?" I said, telling myself I really needed to stop just repeating everything that he was saying. "No way, that's impossible, JC. You knew?"
"No," he admitted, "not at first. But Tate did." He looked at me expectantly for a moment, but I had no clue what to say. At all. "So? Are you gonna tell me about it?"
"No," was the first thing I blurted out, the first instinct I had when it came to this. Me and Joey, we hadn't decided how we were going to do this. We needed more time to talk about it, time we just hadn't managed to find yet. "I don't know."
He laughed, which was what I was expecting but not what I was needing to hear. "Damn, that's so cute," he said. People who are in love want everyone else to be in love, too. "You know you want to tell me about it, Chris. Just give in to the temptation."
"I'm not giving in to any damn temptation," I told him, but JC was like this demented angel, standing there all ... tempting and stuff. And we both knew he only had to wait a little before my dam would break. "All right. Fine. What do you want to know?"
He looked up at Wade and Joey himself, then back at me. "Just the basics," he said, grinning cheshire-wide. "I got a funny feeling we're gonna be called back in two minutes." That wasn't a funny feeling, that was years of rehearsal experience. "How did it happen?"
I probably used up most of that two minutes just thinking about what parts I oughta tell him and what parts I oughta leave out. The leave out pile seemed to be bigger by far. "It was after I got back from L.A.," I said finally, right about when JC looked like he was about ready to shake the information out of me. "I mean, the whole breakup ... that kinda told me right there where my loyalty was. And then I got back to the house and Joey was up and we ... sorted things out."
"Right," he said, bobbing his head up and down and looking way happier about it than anyone who wasn't actually in the relationship oughta be. Maybe I should ask him why ... at a more appropriate time. "Oh man, you have no idea how happy I am for you."
I grunted, but I couldn't deny that it felt good to have JC happy about it. Maybe everyone else would feel the same. "Well. At least you're not giving me sex tips."
"Oh, you need some?" he asked, and I felt like smacking myself on the forehead just for bringing it up. "Because, I mean, not me, but Tate, he could ... "
"I am not asking your boyfriend for sex tips," I insisted. "We figured the whole thing out just fine on our own."
"Oh, did you?" he said, looking surprised and then ecstatically happy again. "So you guys ... ?" He didn't even finish the sentence. "Oh, that's great. That's so great. But still, you know, if you have any questions ... "
"We'll know exactly who to ask," I finished for him before he could finish that sentence. "JC. I'm ... seriously, I'm happy you're happy. I'm happy. Joey's happy. But can we, um, talk about this later?"
"Right, right, sure," he said, bobbing his head again. The huge smile was gone from his lips, but it was still clear in his eyes.
"And ... let us tell the other guys in our own time, huh? We -- me and Joey -- we still need to work out a game plan for that."
"Oh, they'll be happy for you -- "
"Please, JC?"
"Yeah, of course I will, I'm just saying. I worried about that for a long time, you know? And I didn't need to. They'll be cool. They ... well, they might not even be surprised."
I was pretty sure he was wrong about that, but I didn't say. We would find out when the time came, and for all that I was completely thrown off guard that JC already knew, at least we'd talked about it now. One down, and god knows how many more to go.
I heard both of our names called out loudly across the room, and though I didn't recognize the voice, in this situation I'd already trained myself to just respond to the call and think about it later. Draining the rest of his water and tossing the bottle aside, JC did the same.
"So what the fuck is this one for?" I asked, staring at the piece of paper in my hands. Like it wasn't obvious what it was, and what it was for, and even who it was for. "Didn't we send out a press release? Can't they just use that?"
"You're turning into a bigger bitch than Lance," said JC, nudging me. I looked up and could see Lance outside the window, facing away from us and smoking again. I was nothing like him. I was too much like him. Or maybe he was too much like me. "Get up on the wrong side of the bed this morning? Have to roll over someone else to get there?"
"Shhh!" I shushed him, instantly looking around to see who was in earshot. No one, but Justin and Joey were approaching us and ten seconds later we would have been overheard. "Later, JC."
JC looked amused as he nodded at me, and we both watched as Joey spilled a little of his water over his head, droplets of it mingling with the beads of sweat at his temples. I might have been watching a little more closely than JC, but there was no one watching me close enough to prove it later.
"C'mere," said JC finally, even though they were already coming just fine on their own. "You guys need to look at this, too."
Joey took the paper with wet hands, leaving damp fingerprints on it. He snorted as he read it. "Someone else can do this," he said, trying to hand it back to someone. "Just remember that I hate bananas. And don't be stupid."
"Uh uh," said Justin. "I think it's your turn to do it, Joey. You've gotten out of enough of them."
"Just because Lance isn't here, doesn't mean we need someone to replace him," I snapped at him, reaching to take the page back. "I'll do it already."
"No, no, I can," said Joey with a dramatic sigh. "And lay off Lance. He's just being honest."
"Honest?" I repeated, astonished. "Joey, he's been ... "
"Honest," Joey interrupted me, giving me a stern look. A look that said we'd talk about it later, if we even talked about it at all. "Chris, you don't always have to be protecting me."
"I'm not," I said, looking at Justin and JC guiltily. They both looked vaguely uncomfortable with where the conversation was going. They weren't the only ones. "He could be a little more supportive is all."
"I understand him, though," said Joey, looking around for something. It took me a few moments to realize it was a pen, and started looking for one. "It's okay. I'm handling it."
"Yeah, but that doesn't mean you should--"
"I'm handling it, Chris," he interrupted me, and that time I took it as a definitive sign that I should just leave it the fuck alone. For now. But Joey shouldn't have to handle it; he was already handling enough. "Okay. So," he went on, all the tension gone from his voice. "So anyone got a new embarrassing moment I can put in here?"
"Justin farted during one of his interviews," supplied JC immediately. "You could hear it on the air. I think you can still download the clip, actually."
"You can't put that," protested Justin, looking horrified.
Joey laughed and took the pen I was offering him to fill in the answer. "That's perfect," he said. "Thank god it has nothing to do with me and my pants. Especially not right now." He tugged at the waistband of his pants before going on to the next question. "Huh. Who should we put as the smartest this time?"
"Me," said Justin. JC just shook his head and reached for the paper Joey had.
"Just let me do it," he said. Well, demanded, pretty much, in his own soft-spoken way. Joey didn't put up much of a fight when he asked for it. "I'll be faster," JC explained once he had the questionnaire and pen securely in his own hands, and immediately started marking in answers without consulting anyone.
"That's fine," said Joey after watching him for a moment. "I need to make some calls anyway. We got a few more minutes, right?"
"Yeah," murmured Justin, looking back over his shoulder to see what everyone else was doing. "Enjoy 'em while you can."
Joey just grunted and looked amused by that, which was probably the last thing he should've been. He knew how bad it was going to get. Quickly. When he started towards the door I was at his side almost right away.
"You wanna catch a few minutes alone?" I asked him softly.
At least he looked sorry when he shook his head. "I really need to make these calls before it gets too late. I don't know when I'm gonna have a chance, and people aren't usually cooperative when you call them at midnight."
"Joey, are you sure you really need to be doing that ... ?"
It was obviously the wrong thing to say. Joey just looked at me steadily for a minute, then shook his head at me. "We've talked about this," was all he said. And we had. Just not enough, as far as I was concerned. "I'll see you in a few minutes, Chris."
When he turned and left this time, I let him.
"All right, Joey," said Wade, motioning the rest of us aside. "Do that one again for me. And this time try not to look like you're spraining something every time you kick that leg up."
"I am spraining something every time I kick that leg up," he muttered, just before we moved out of earshot. I turned back to give him an encouraging wave, then Justin grabbed hold of my arm and yanked me away with them.
"Stay there any longer and you know you'd be next," he said, slapping me on the shoulder once we'd ducked away, heading to grab some water. "You can watch him safely from a distance if you're that desperate."
"I'm not desperate," I protested, a blatant lie if I'd ever told one. "Joey just needs, you know, more encouragement than anyone else right now."
"Oh, like hell," scoffed Justin, grabbing a bottle of water and draining half in one gulp. "Joey's rolling with it, just like he always has. Just look at him."
"I was looking at him, 'til you so rudely pulled me away," I muttered as I turned back, able to see only Joey's profile as he mimicked the moves Wade was demonstrating for him. I wouldn't admit it aloud, but Justin was right. Joey looked fine. Absolutely fine. Better than fine, even, moving with a fluidity that I'd recently been able to witness up close and personal.
"Earth to Chris," came Justin's voice, along with a tug at my sleeve. "I said look, not gawk. His body ain't that fine."
"I'm not gawking," I said, smacking his arm but unable to look away from Joey just yet. "I'm just watching. He's doing really good."
"Yeah, he is," said Justin. "He'll be sweating off those pounds in no time."
"Oh fuck you," I blurted out as soon as I heard him say that, tearing my eyes away from Joey just to glare at him. "Joey looks absolutely great and if you say just one word to him suggesting otherwise, so help me I'll -- "
"Easy, Chris," he interrupted me, holding up a hand in my face. "I think he looks fine, too, but you know as well as I do that going out on tour and no going out every night ... they are gonna drop off. Jeez. Calm down a little, would you?"
"All right," I admitted grudgingly, turning my head to watch him again. "But you don't have to say it like it's something he needs to do. It isn't. He looks healthier than he has in ... "
"I know as well as you do how long it's been," Justin cut in, giving me a look. "You're not the only one who's been around the whole time, no matter what you might think ... "
"Justin, I don't -- " I began to snap at him, then realized just how much I'd been snapping already today. And I had no reason to be. "I know that," I finished instead, after taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly. "I'm just -- "
"And you don't need to be that protective of him either," Justin added, but he, too, was gentler about it this time. "You're allowed to let him just be Joey again."
"I'm allowed," I said incredulously. The guy had some nerve, after everything he'd done, every way he'd tried to shelter Joey since he'd come back. "I'm the only one who has been letting him be Joey."
I could see Justin getting that look in his eye, the one he gets when he's digging in and getting ready for a fight and not willing to give up any ground. "You're so blind, Chris," he said. "You're so blind. You don't even see what you're doing, do you? You don't even see how you're trying to protect him from the big bad world. Joey can take care of himself."
"That's a different tune than you were singing a week ago," I said. "I seem to remember you being pretty sure that Joey couldn't take care of himself, actually."
He pinched his lips together and I knew I'd scored a point. "I may have been a little wrong," he said finally. Astonishingly. "Not about everything, but about this. Protect Joey from destroying himself, but don't protect him from his life. His job."
"You don't have any right, Justin ... "
"I have every right," he interrupted me. "I have as much right as you do, anyway. He's coming back to all of us, not just you, Chris. Try not to forget that so much."
Rather than holding his ground, though, he turned on his heel and left. Maybe all he wanted all along was the last word on the subject, and he'd certainly gotten that. Arrogant little thing, he had no idea what Joey and I had been through, what I'd been doing for him, the ways I'd been encouraging him.
When I looked up again, Joey was finished rehearsing the move and was already moving out of sight, discussing something with Wade. Before he was completely gone, though, he turned around to gesture at something and caught me watching. He smiled and gave me a little wave before he had to turn back to Wade. That was all it took for the anger to start draining out of me.
There was no point in staying there looking at an empty rehearsal space, so I left in the same direction Justin had gone and hoped I wouldn't run into him before we both cooled off.
I couldn't help but look in Joey's direction when we sang, one of our sappy love songs that I'd always thought were inexplicably popular. It was so cliché I would have gagged watching myself, but for the first time in, well, a long time, I understood what I was singing, understood the emotions behind the trite lyrics. It was one of the things that should have told me a long time ago how my feelings for Dani had changed, but I hadn't been looking for it. Hadn't wanted to.
It was still hard to think of her, even though I knew we'd done the exact right thing. Someone doesn't become a part of your life for that long without becoming a part of you, even if it's only in a corner of your heart. Then Joey's eyes caught mine and I could see him forming words at me, singing in my direction.
And that was when everything else from last night -- this morning -- surged up and overwhelmed my feelings of loss. Because that loss had happened a long time ago, and I'd found something new -- or maybe just recognized something that'd been there for a long time, too, and it filled me. All the things that I felt for Joey completely filled me. Made me want to burst into song. I started laughing at the absurdity of that, and the rehearsal around me came to a screeching halt.
"Something funny, Kirkpatrick?" growled Justin, throwing a smelly sock at me. "That was perfect, until you decided that true and undying love was so fucking humorous."
"Love should be funny," said Joey, giving him a smack when he proved to be out of my reach. "What's so great about it if you're all serious all the time?"
"What do you know about it anyway?" muttered Justin, but he got a distant look on his face and I would've bet my fortune that he was thinking about Britney's smile.
"More than you think," replied Joey enigmatically, then his face sobered. Whatever he'd been thinking of had clearly changed. "And no matter how things turned out in the end, I did love Daisy. For a while."
"That doesn't -- " began Justin, but JC cut him off. And if he hadn't, I would've.
"We know," said JC, but he was looking at me, not Joey.
I agreed, silently, even though it hurt. It didn't matter if he fell for the wrong person, that it had been one of the must truly fucked up relationships I'd seen -- it was still love. He'd still cared for her enough to do almost anything for her.
"And you still think love should be funny?" snapped Justin the moment JC let him. "Yeah, life was loads of fun with her."
"Justin!" I practically shouted at him, but he was already walking away, out of the room and out of sight.
"Fucker." JC looked torn over whether to go after Justin or stay here with the rest of us. But Joey was looking at me and Lance was looking at the floor, so finally he just shrugged helplessly and took off in the direction Justin had disappeared in.
"Joey," I said softly, reaching a tentative hand toward him, but he didn't come.
"In a minute, Chris," he murmured, and looked back over his shoulder. That was when I remembered that Gary had been standing there the whole time, quietly observing us. "I just ... " His hands were clenching and unclenching at his sides and he didn't -- maybe couldn't -- look at me again. I let my hand drop. "I'll be back, okay?"
I nodded, even though he wasn't looking, and just let him go. What else could I do? A moment later he was murmuring something to Gary, both of their voices low, and they, too, disappeared from the room.
"Well," said Lance after an awkward pause. "It'll be a miracle if we manage to pull this tour together in time."
"We will," I snapped at him. at that oh-so-casual tone he'd taken. "I don't know how but we will. We always do."
"But it's never been like this," he commented infuriatingly. "Well, since everyone else has taken off, it's time for a smoke break."
"Oh, don't," I muttered at him, and watched the door that Joey and Gary had disappeared through. In case he changed his mind, and came back to talk to me, instead. "You smoke too much."
"No," he said, "I smoke just enough."
"You didn't used to at all."
"No, you're right, I didn't." This time he paused to roll his eyes at me. "We all have our bad habits. You gonna watch that door all afternoon or are you gonna come outside with me?"
"I should wait -- "
"He's not coming back until he's ready," Lance interrupted me, fishing his cigarettes out of his pocket. "He has Gary to talk to now. Jailer and confidant, all rolled up into one."
I just stared at him for a moment as he dangled an unlit cigarette from his lips, looking completely unrepentant. "When did you turn into such an asshole?"
Lance actually looked taken aback for a moment, before motioning to the door again. "Happened right under everyone's noses," he murmured. "I'm just ... really tired of being told what to do."
"I know that. We all are. That doesn't give you the right to -- "
"Outside?" he said, a little lower, a little more pleading. I could see where he was coming from -- even though the rest of the guys were gone, the room wasn't empty, not this close to the beginning of a tour. But I still didn't really want to make things easy on him; that had been harsh.
I was silent as we found our way out back and sat down at the wobbly table. There was already an ashtray full of butts that I assumed were his. Guy was smoking more than a little, but at least he wasn't drinking this time. I probably shouldn't have been relieved that he was smoking, but I was.
"You need to calm down about Gary a little," he said as he finally lit the cigarette and inhaled deeply.
"Why does everyone keep telling me that?" I grunted, a familiar wave of ... something ... hitting me again. "You, Justin, even Joey. I just don't like the guy."
"Why not?"
"What do you mean why not?"
"I mean," he said, exhaling slowly and letting the smoke wisp out of his mouth, "why not? Not what he does, 'cause it's pretty obvious why you'd have issues with that, but who he is."
I sighed and closed my eyes and rubbed my forehead, feeling a headache coming on. Quickly. "I really don't want to talk about this," I told him flat out. "Seriously, Lance. I've had this conversation too many times lately and there's nothing you're gonna say to me that I haven't heard a dozen times already."
"So you're just being stubborn, then?"
I opened my eyes to catch his expression when he said that. He was fucking smirking. "Yeah, maybe," I had to admit though. "I just ... it's more complicated than you know. And I'm gonna leave it at that."
"Fine," he said, his indifference not quite coming off as genuine. "I'm just saying. Your deal with Gary ... it's causing more problems than it's solving. You just need to calm down, in general."
"Nobody's calm right before a tour."
"You know what I mean," he said impatiently. "Be Zen or something. Take up yoga. Get laid. I don't know what you need to do, but you should do it."
I didn't want to be having the conversation, and anything I was saying was just prolonging it, so I didn't reply to that. Between the three of them, they were going to drive me nuts before we even hit the road. It might be worth it to just go with everything that was going on, just to get them off my back.
It was worth thinking about, at least.
Joey was sitting in the corner when I came back inside, leaning back in one chair, his legs propped up on another. He wasn't even looking up, staring at something in his lap. Then he started writing and I realized it was a notebook of some sort. I thought about not approaching, worried maybe that I'd interrupt, but my need to see him won out.
"Hey," I said quietly. The room had all but cleared out now -- not that anyone had given up on us but once they realized we were gonna be more than a couple minutes they went to take care of more important things than waiting. And when we were all back, they would come flooding in again.
He closed the notebook as he looked up, then slumped in relief when he saw it was me. "Hey," he replied as he capped the pen. "You're back. I ... " He shrugged awkwardly as he struggled for an explanation.
I didn't push the issue, which probably surprised him. "What were you writing?" I asked instead, gesturing at the book. "Working on more letters?"
"No," he said, looking even more awkward. "It's ... promise you won't laugh?"
I couldn't stop myself before I gave him a dirty look. "This is me," I retorted.
"Yeah, exactly." Was that a smile? "Was a time you would've laughed. So just promise."
"Okay, okay, I promise. You're writing bad poetry, aren't you? And now I've bound myself into not so much as snickering while you read it to me. Sneaky bastard."
"It's not," he protested. That was definitely a smile this time. "It's ... okay, back a while ago, when I was still in rehab, Karen suggested I start, you know, writing things down. And I didn't, I kinda thought it was stupid back then. But now Gary's telling me to try it too, so ... I'm trying it."
"So it's a diary," I said, staring at the closed notebook.
"It's not a diary, it's a journal." I did laugh that time but not at him, just at the tone of voice he'd taken.
"Right," I agreed. "It's a journal." I was torn between agreeing that it was probably a really good thing to try, and wishing that Joey wasn't always deferring to Gary's ideas. "So what else did he suggest?" I asked, and even I noticed the tightness in my voice.
"That we tell the other guys about us," he said, and it was obviously an effort to make it sound light. "Just ... flat out tell them."
Now that wasn't what I'd been expecting to hear. Even if it had been something I'd been thinking about all day -- when and how we were going to tell them about the change in our relationship.
"Are you ready?" I asked finally when the surprise wore off. "Is that how you want to do it?"
"I can't think of any other way," he said. "Not that wouldn't have a lot of unnecessary drama. And ... having you isn't something I want to hide. I don't think we've been doing a very good job of that anyway."
"We haven't," I confessed. "Um ... JC already knows."
"JC knows?" he repeated, not sounding as surprised as I thought he would. "When were you planning on telling me that?"
"Tonight, at home," I said honestly. "If JC hadn't talked to you about it himself. Which, actually, I'm surprised he hasn't. I didn't tell him; he guessed. Or Tate did, he said. Or something like that."
Joey nodded. "I've ... talked to Tate about it before. Before anything happened between us. He's a pretty observant guy." I must've looked stunned, because he took one look at my expression and grinned at me. "He's also persistent, when he thinks he's on to something, which he was."
"But when?"
"At Lance's," said Joey, "when you guys were in the pool ... remember?" I nodded dumbly; I'd never clued in that Joey had been feeling that way for a while. I shoud've, because I had, too. He'd just recognized it sooner, it seemed. And he'd waited for me.
"So can I see what you're writing?" I asked finally, looking pointedly at the book. "Anything about me?"
Joey laughed but didn't open the book, even pressed his hand on top of it. "Yeah, tons about you," he said. "But no way are you seeing it. And don't you dare sneak a peek when I'm not looking, Chris Kirkpatrick, I know you."
"Well, I wouldn't have to sneak anything if you'd just show me," I said reasonably. I couldn't help but smile at his laugh, at the playful look on his face. One of many things I'd been missing, and was so glad to see again, even as infrequent as they were.
"Stop!" he said, laughing when I reached in to tickle his side, make him lose his grip on the book. I had no intention of looking at it -- not now, anyway -- but this was too much fun. " Chris, you ass, what if I have jerk-off fantasies in there?"
"All the more reasons to share!" He finally jerked the book away and I fell against him, almost right out of my chair. When I looked up his face was right there, looking at me in amusement. "You could kiss me to make up for it." The words just spilled out of my mouth before I even had a chance to think about them.
I figured he wouldn't, would just laugh again and shove me back into my seat and that would be that. But he did, pausing only a second and then closing his eyes and kissing me softly. I tried not to gasp as I kissed him back, meaning for it to only be brief. But things with Joey were too new and our feelings were too strong, and we only pulled away from one another when we heard someone clearing his throat behind us.
I almost didn't want to look to see who it was, there were so many possibilities and so few of them comfortable.
"Hey Lance," said Joey, sounding surprisingly cheerful. "Is break over, then?"
"Um ... yeah," he said, sounding unsettled. It was almost worth it, just to see something get underneath Lance's cool again. I shouldn't have been smiling -- we'd all been through enough lately and there were reasons for the way everyone was -- but I was doing it anyway. Finally I sat back in my chair on my own and looked over my shoulder to see not only him, but Justin and JC approaching from opposite directions.
"Hey," I said, hating that my voice came out as practically a squeak. "Hey guys. So. Um. I guess you're wondering ... " I gestured between Joey and myself.
"No," said Lance, crossing his arms over his chest and snickering. "No, actually, you didn't leave much to wonder about. When did this happen?"
JC hung back, watching the main entrance while Justin crept warily forward. Lance looked relatively unsurprised -- and I probably shouldn't have been surprised about that -- but that definitely wasn't the case for Justin. He kept looking back and forth between Joey and me and I could practically see the thought process that was going on in his head.
"Yesterday," said Joey candidly, obviously taking Gary's advice. Better him than me; none of them were really listening to me anymore anyway. "It's pretty new. That cool?"
"Yeah, yeah, of course," said Lance, shrugging at us. "Whatever works for you."
It wasn't really Lance who Joey'd been asking though. His eyes, just like mine, were on Justin. He didn't say anything else, just waited, showing more patience than I think I'd ever had. Except with Joey, of course.
"Was I just really stupid?" he asked finally, when he was just about close enough to touch them. "Did everyone else know or something?"
I couldn't help but laugh at that. "God, Justin, I hardly even knew until it happened. You didn't miss much." Joey gave me a kiss on the temple and slid his arm around my shoulders and it all seemed so natural. Like something I would have done with Dani without thinking, once upon a time.
"Well, obviously I missed something."
"You're not missing anything," said Joey. "You know, now." He seemed to have been waiting for another reaction, but it didn't seem to be coming. "You guys are the only guys who know."
"And you're happy?" said Justin. "This is good? Like me-and-Brit good?"
I looked at Joey, and he nodded and smiled at me, not Justin. "It's good," he said. "Best thing that's happened to me in a while." Besides getting sober, I assumed, but something like this seemed a lot more cheerful than that. A lot more hopeful. There was no dark back story that got the two of us to this point.
"Then good," he said decisively. "Good for you."
And so it was done. They knew. And it was good.
I was supposed to be stretching when I wandered out of the room, looking for a drink. It wasn't likely that anyone would notice anyway -- Wade was concentrating on Joey again and Lance was working out the details of the tour with Johnny one of the trainees and JC was in the corner warming up his voice a little more.
I'd thought that Gary was over near Joey like a good stalker and Justin was calling Britney like he said he was, but I was wrong on both counts because there they were, sitting and talking by the cooler of cold drinks.
As soon as Justin saw me he hopped off the table, looking guilty. And he was right to be, too. Whose side was he on, anyway? "Hey Chris, they need me?" I shook my head and didn't say anything, just stood in the doorway watching him. Justin looked back at Gary, nervously looked like, then came toward me. "I know it might not've sounded like it before," he said, "but I really am happy. For you and Joey, I mean. You just took me by surprise is all?"
"Gary help you figure that out?"
His face fell a little, even as I watched. "Come on, Chris, don't be an asshole. I just had a bit of time to think about it is all. It makes this whole overprotective thing of yours make a little more sense. Because that's just not like you, the way you've been."
Now what the hell was that supposed to mean? "It's not like that just 'cause there's something between me and Joey now ... " I said, hardly even knowing where to go with that. Trust Justin to overreact to things. Read too much into them. He had a great track record, with that.
"You probably just can't see it," he said knowingly. And condescendingly, too, the little shit. "But that's okay ... once you guys get used to it a little, it'll probably settle out a little. That's how it was with me and Brit at first. You'll be back to your old self again soon."
I bit my tongue to hold back the first dozen responses that came to mind and finally said just, "They need you out there." A look of confusion crossed his face, then he nodded at me and left without another word. Probably a wise decision.
"So I guess congratulations are in order," said Gary once Justin was gone. "I heard the good news."
"Yeah, I know," I said, and turned around to follow Justin back into the rehearsal area. But as much as I didn't want to be making small talk with Gary, I didn't want to be back out there yet either. Especially not with Justin -- if not the rest of them, too -- just waiting for me to be myself again. Didn't they get just how much had changed?
I turned back from the door and just looked at him for a moment, wondering if I really wanted my question answered. Answered by Gary. But there was no one else to ask. "Why do they think the person I was before all of this is suddenly going to come back?"
"Why do you think the people they were before all the are suddenly going to come back?" he countered, almost -- but not quite -- managing not to look condescending as he said it. He leaned one arm against the table and watched me, and I realized it wasn't just a rhetorical question.
"I don't," I argued. I hardly even noticed myself crossing my arms over my chest, until he looked rather pointedly at them. Challengingly. I let the arms drop again, and when I did he nodded to an empty chair. "Ha," I said, barking it out. "Next thing I know you're gonna be asking me if I want to lie down. No thanks."
"Suit yourself," he said, shrugging it off and taking the chair himself. "But think about it, Chris, how you're acting around them."
"Oh, whatever. I'm sorry I even -- "
"Think about it," he interrupted me, infuriatingly. "Don't just react to it." I was sorry I asked, but it seemed pretty pointless to say that again. And I didn't even have an answer to my question yet. "You're a smart guy, Chris," he went on. "You already know the stuff I'm telling you, you were just hoping someone else might tell you different. Sorry, but I won't be that guy."
Well, at least he was honest. "Why's it all gotta be a big mess anyway?" I found myself asking. "Don't we have enough to deal with?"
"That's life, Chris," he said, sympathetically but not coddlingly. "You have to take what it gives you and deal with it. I think out of anyone, you know how much life isn't fair. You guys being stressed enough to snap at each other isn't fair and Joey getting in so much trouble isn't fair and hell, me being here isn't fair either. Is it? But you don't always get a choice. This is your life; make the best of what you've got."
I pressed my lips together and didn't answer him. If he was trying to get me to like him, it wasn't going to work.
"And think about what you've got with Joey now," Gary went on, like he hadn't even noticed. "That's gotta balance at least some of this out. That's gotta make you feel good. Joey ... he was really happy when he told me about it, Chris. He needed something like this, something good and solid. And so did you, I bet."
"I'm doing the best I can for him," I said, keeping my voice level. Even though he was making me smile, dammit. "I love him lots."
"You all love each other lots," agreed Gary. "Even when you're ready to be away from each other for a while, it's there. It's just a bit different with Joey now. Am I right?" I was back to silence again; he wasn't going to get the satisfaction of hearing me agree with him. "Chris ... I could never take your place in his life. My role here is very, very different from yours. You need to worry about being his partner; let me worry about being an authority figure."
I almost didn't answer again, but that deserved something. Some kind of acknowledgement. He just had to be so damn reasonable. So damn nice. It was hard to hate a guy who was good like that, especially when he was right there, with you. "I do everything I can for him," I said again.
"I know you do," said Gary. "And Joey knows you do. You do everything he could possibly hope for -- more, probably. He never expected what happened between you guys, but it happened and he's happy. Just be there. You want the best for Joey, I want the best for Joey, we both want the same thing here, Chris. We're on the same side. And working together on this would probably be a hell of a lot better for Joey than working against each other."
He waited this time, when I didn't say anything. Waited and let the silence lengthen to the point where I could practically feel the expectation coming from him. "You take care of him," I found myself saying finally, almost hissing the words out. Even I could hear the need and demanding in it, and I was the one trying to pretend that those things weren't there. "Promise me."
"I'll do the best I can," he said, visibly relaxing again though he didn't let his guard down. "Thank you, Chris. Seriously. I never wanted to fight you on this." I nodded my head, reeling a little from what had just happened and trying to figure out what the hell was going to happen next. "Is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yeah," I said after a moment. Nothing was going to get figured out here, while I was still with him. It wasn't the way I worked, and at least I knew that much about myself, even if a hundred other things had been a bit of a revelation today. "You can throw me a bottle of water; I need to get back out there."
He did, and gave me a nod that looked understanding. Maybe he'd been around long enough now that he did understand, at least enough to let me go.
"I'll see you later, Gary," I said, and even gave him a wave before I left.
"Remind me why I do this again?" moaned Joey as he unlocked the door. The high-pitched whine of the alarm, usually just a familiar noise, seemed to grate on his nerves way more than usual.
"Because you love it," I reminded him as I punched in the alarm code for him.
"Right," he said, locking the door behind us. "That must be it, because there's no other possible reason someone would put himself through this."
"Well, there's the money," I argued. "There are a lot of people who would do this for the money."
"I didn't get into it for the money."
"No, you did it for the fame," I teased, wrapping an arm around him in the semi-darkness of the hallway.
"The fame was supposed to be a perk," he agreed wryly, turning around in my arms to face me. "Little did I know."
"Yeah, we all knew shit," I said, finding his eyes and holding them with my gaze. "And now we're living with it."
"But I still do it because I love it," said Joey. "That's still the reason."
"Which is, yes, why we're putting ourselves through fourteen-hour-soon-to-be-eighteen-hour rehearsals," I agreed with him.
"I'm not ready."
"You will be," I told him confidently. "We always are, somehow."
"No," he said, shaking his head at me. "I don't mean the show. The show must go on. I mean ... I'm not ready. For the touring and for ... everything. " He looked away and I knew I couldn't let him stay ashamed about this.
"It's never too late to back out." I told him, even though if we backed out now it would have serious consequences on our careers. "You're more important than that." He shook his head again, though.
"That's not the answer," he said. I reached out to lift his chin, to make him look at me again. "I need to be able to do this, I just ... "
"I'll be there," I assured him. "We all will. And ... and including Gary, too. If you're afraid of what will happen, he's there to make sure it's nothing bad." It was a nod this time, which was definitely a step up.
"Thanks," he said. It didn't have to be said; I knew the thanks were more for the implied acceptance of Gary than anything else. "I know it'll feel good, to be on stage again. It's everything else." I was beginning to realize it was normal, for Joey to go between feeling confident about his ability to face anything and feeling like the world was overwhelming him.
And really, the truth was probably somewhere in between -- he was ready to face it, he just needed a little help.
"I need to put the past behind me," said Joey. "I need to talk to Daisy."
While I didn't think that talking to her was going to solve all of his problems, I was beginning to see that it was probably something he should do, if only to get her off his mind, once and for all.
"So ... " I said, looking around and noticing that Joey was yawning. Which was just as well -- I wasn't at all sure now was a good time to be talking about Daisy. "We should get some sleep."
"We should," he agreed, but then we both stood there awkwardly for a moment, staring at each other. Joey finally just leaned in and kissed me. "You're coming upstairs with me, right?"
I couldn't help but smile at him. "I was hoping so." Then I took his hand and Joey led me up to his bedroom.