I knew they were going to throw a party. A dry party, I was sure. Even if I hadn't already figured they were going to, Chris blabbed the secret the day before I got out. I mean, I love the guy to pieces, but when he's excited he can't keep a secret to save his life. Or maybe he never meant to keep it.
I can't imagine why they thought I would want one. I bet Chris even told them that I wouldn't. I mean, wasn't partying the reason for all this trouble in the first place?
But at least they were trying. They didn't have to stick by me through this but they had, proving themselves the truest friends I could every possibly hope to have. It was almost overwhelming, the support that they and their families had given me while I was trying to clean up my act.
Chris was the one who picked me up, thankfully. The day I was released, I mean. Not that I would have minded if it had been any of the other guys--as long as it wasn't management or something--but Chris had really been there for me these past couple of months, above and beyond anyone else. Every day that they would let him in he was there, just being with me and letting me know he was still there for me, though everything.
I was sitting on a bench across from the main reception desk, under the watchful eye of one of the on-duty nurses. All of my possessions for the last two months had fit neatly into one small suitcase and a backpack. It was kinda hard to believe. Not just how little my new life distilled down to, but all of it, everything that had happened recently
I was watching the front doors intently and found myself smiling involuntarily as I saw Chris come bounding up the steps. He spotted me right away and rushed over to pull me into a bear hug. There were no invasive or awkward questions, just a long, comfortable moment of support.
"Ready to go?" he said.
"More than," I replied, only half-honestly. Yeah, I wanted to go home but no, I didn't feel ready. For any of it. "You just need to sign some forms at the desk and we can leave."
He nodded and released me, heading straight over to the reception desk. I watched him put his signature on the forms, right above mine. He smiled at some mildly humorous comment the receptionist made, then handed the pen back and returned to me without a single look back.
We walked together out the front doors and suddenly I was back in the real world again.
"You okay?" he asked for the first time as I froze momentarily on the steps.
"I...uh...yeah," I told him, shunting the feelings of panic aside to be dealt with later. Alone. "Where'd you park?"
He took me by the elbow and pointed to the left-hand side of the lot. "Over here. You want me to take one of those bags?"
"Nah, they're pretty light," I told him, following him to the parking space. "Whoa, I *have* been out of it. Since when do you own a Jeep?"
"JC let me borrow her for today," he said, smiling happily at me. "I thought we might want to cruise in the open air on our way."
He remembered. He remembered how I'd told him, a month ago now, how much I missed that. How much I wanted to feel the breeze again, rushing across my face and through my hair.
"Thanks," I said, returning his smile. I threw my bags in the back and climbed in. It was a strangely exhilarating feeling as we pulled out of the lot and through the gates.
"The party's at Justin's," he told me straight up. I was grateful for that. "I'm supposed to take you straight there, but do you want to go home to your place or anything first? It's totally up to you."
I thought about my house but, much as I'd missed it, I didn't want to go there yet. Especially not for just a brief visit. "Can we just, I dunno, drive around for a bit?"
"Sure, Joe."
"I think I need to psych myself up for seeing everyone again, all at once and everything"
"Yeah," he agreed. "There's gonna be a lot of people there. I told them you might just want a small group of close friends, but...there's a lot of people who missed you, man." He put a hand on my knee and squeezed supportively.
"That's good to know." And it was. There were times, alone in my room at night, cut off from everyone, that I wondered if anyone remembered me at all. Two months can be a long, long time.
"I missed you," he added quietly.
"You saw me," I tried to joke, but I knew he meant more than that. I missed me, too. I still do. "I wish there wasn't a party."
"Yeah, I know," he said sympathetically. "I would tell you to just ditch it with me, but...they worked really hard on it. They just want you to feel welcome."
"That's why I'm going," I told him. "Besides, it'll probably be good for me to face everyone.."
"Is that what they're teaching you in therapy these days?"
"Chris..." I said warningly.
"Sorry, I know, you don't want to talk about it. It just slipped out." He paused, probably hoping for a response, but I didn't feel like saying anything yet. "How often are you going now?"
"Once a week," I said flatly. "Until we go back on tour. Then...who knows." I was half-hoping he would drop it entirely, at least for now, and half-hoping he would press me for more information and *make* me finally talk about it. He did something in between.
"Joe?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm gonna ask you about this later. After the party. Okay?" I didn't realize at first that he was expecting a response. "Is that okay, Joey?" he repeated.
"Yeah," I said finally. "I can't guarantee I'll answer."
"I'll take my chances."
We let things lapse into silence for a while as I watched the world rush past us. Funny how a place so familiar to me can suddenly seem so alien. Like I was looking at it with different eyes.
It was hard to believe that I was still me. I mean, I know I ran into some rough times and I know that we all worked really hard to get me through them, but I never realized I'd come out the other side this different. And I knew I was different, I recognized it. If even I recognized it, someone who'd been living inside this skin the whole time, then it must be so obvious to everyone else. The alcoholism was, after all. I was the last to know.
"Penny for your thoughts," came Chris' voice, sounding more distant than it really was.
"I'm scared," I answered without thinking, then looked at him in alarm as I realized what I'd admitted. He just nodded without even looking it me, which made me think maybe he already knew that. That maybe it wasn't such a fucked up reaction to rejoining my life after all.
As we drove past a row of eerily similar houses, I remembered I had a friend who lived on this street, once. Years ago. I found myself wondering what had happened to her. Had she had a good life? Did she finish school and become a vet, like she wanted to? Did she find love?
Obviously not all my friends could possibly have fucked up their lives as much as I had.
"Just tell me when you're ready to go to Justin's, okay?" said Chris. "I'll keep driving around until then." We turned down another street, with larger lots and houses with more character. Some of these were pretty nice, pretty private. I idly wondered if Chris had found a house yet, but I didn't ask.
"Let's go now," I said finally. "I'm just delaying the inevitable."
"Big word," said Chris, shooting a grin at me. "You sure?"
"Yeah, I'm sure." Of course I wasn't sure, but I had to start making decisions some time.
"Who knows," he said. "You might actually have a good time."
"We'll see."
There was a bright 'Welcome Home' banner up and people milling around on the front lawn when we drove up. So much for secrecy. Fuck, you'd think I was just coming back from summer camp. Or maybe from war.
"God," I said to Chris. "Who dreamed this up?"
"Just and JC mostly," he told me. "It's something the old Joey would have loved."
"Really?" I asked softly.
"Really," he confirmed. "They don't know the new Joey yet. Not like I do."
I didn't know what to say to that, so I remained silent as Chris parked the Jeep in JC's usual spot. I tabled it for the discussion we were already planning for later, and put it out of my mind.
"They're here," I heard someone call, even though our pulling up couldn't have been more obvious. I saw a streak of blue coming at us, which was all the warning I got before Justin launched himself at me.
"Joey!" he said and wrapped himself around me before I even had a chance to close the door to the jeep. JC and Lance were a little behind him, moving at a slightly slower pace. Everyone was letting the three of them come through first. Touching, really.
"It's good to have you back," said JC warmly, pulling me into a hug once Justin had let me go.
"Group hug!" called Justin, wrapping himself around the both of us. Chris and Lance were only too happy to join in. Damn, I felt loved. I actually laughed, much to their surprise. I don't think they've heard me laugh in a long time. I don't think I've heard me laugh in a long time.
"Boys," said Lynn, beginning to take control of the situation, "there's food and pop in the house and we'll be barbecuing out back in a little while. Don't forget to let Joey breathe, okay?" She reached into the disentangling huddle to pat my arm for a moment. "It's good to see you again," she added before heading into the house.
"Thanks, mom," called Justin after her. JC and Lance had started back to the pool, obviously assuming we were going to follow. Justin had parked himself against the wheel of the Jeep and was watching me, as though unwilling to let me out of his sight again. Chris, he stood by my side, ready to protect me against the sea of strangers that awaited me.
I smiled reassuringly at Justin and took his hand as the three of us made our way into the backyard. We were far too old to be holding hands like children, but the five of us had always been like that. It still felt natural, even after all these years. Especially after all these years.
"You want something to drink, Joey?" asked Justin, wincing little at the connotations that question had. He'd probably been coaching himself on what to say to me, and just blown it within the first few sentences. He shouldn't have worried about it so much.
"Iced tea," I told him. He looked at me a little funny, and Chris laughed.
"He drinks it, like, all the time, Just," he explained. I hadn't realized he'd noticed that. "Freaky, huh. It's almost healthy."
"But not quite. Good thing I asked," said Justin, swerving towards the kitchen with me still in tow. "I would've just grabbed you a Coke out of the cooler out back." Chris was still at my elbow. As Justin poured me a drink I watched Chris for a moment; his eyes were darting all over the room, taking in who was where and who was doing what. Protectively, I realized.
"Here," said Justin, handing me a glass. "You guys wanna sit out by the pool?"
"Yeah, okay," I said, glancing briefly at Chris. He touched my elbow, so briefly I almost thought I imagined it, and nodded. Telling me it would be okay.
I shuddered involuntarily for a moment and almost stopped. I'd been trying so hard to work towards being a functional human being again, and suddenly I felt like a total freak. I couldn't even make my own decisions. I was so bad off that my best friend felt he had to take care of me.
"Joey?" he said quietly in my ear. He must have seen. I wanted to tell him to leave me alone, but I was too damn scared to. I wanted to tell him that, too. Justin's eyes were on something else for the first time since I arrived, so I turned quickly to Chris so he alone could hear me.
"I'm still so messed up," I whispered, closing my eyes.
"It'll get better," he promised, and I could tell that it wasn't an empty one. He was going to *make* it better, or at least he was going to help me do it. That was what he was promising me.
"Okay," I said softly, turning back to Justin who had realized we'd stopped and was waiting for us a few steps ahead. "It's okay Just," I said with a small smile. "I can find my way."
"I'll wait," was all he said, rejoining us and leading the rest of the way.
It was time for the endless stream of family members, of friends, of co-workers. There were far, far too many people, but my one consolation was that I knew all of them. At least it hadn't turned into some industry get-together, as it would have if management had had a hand in it. I suppose I had Justin and JC to thank for that.
I wasn't used to the smile anyone, the one I'd worn every day for so very long. It hurt after a while, from my eyes right through to my jaw. But still, maybe just from force of habit, it stayed on my face. I like to smile, and I like to laugh, but real smiles and real laughter, not this show that I was putting on to assure everyone that everything was okay again.
No one stayed long, becoming uncomfortable after their initial greeting and drifting away quickly to someone they didn't feel they had to censor themselves around.
"Joey, do you want another iced tea?" asked Justin, still lingering by my side.
"Sure," I told him. Impulsively, I ruffled his curls a little. "Sit down, I can get it myself."
"No, I'll get it," he said quickly, grabbing the glass from my hand. I'd known what he was doing all along, but just then it really hit home. He didn't trust me. None of them did. The pain on my face must have shown through; Justin's eyes widened and he looked vaguely ashamed. "Joey...I didn't mean..."
"Yeah," I said, sighing. "You did. Iced tea would be fine, thank you."
"Joey, I'm--"
"Thank you," I interrupted, closing my eyes to block him out and rubbing them with a thumb and a forefinger as though they pained me. I should have been sincerely thanking him for caring about me, but the situation was too new and too awkward for that yet.
He scurried off to the kitchen and I leaned against the railing of the deck. I was actually alone; Chris had taken a moment to entertain his own family and JC and Lance were goofing off with the garden hose, drenching themselves and everything in sight until Lynn sternly took it away from them.
"Here," he said, handing the glass to me as he returned, then quickly blurted out, "I'm sorry," before I was able to stop him again. I just sighed and smiled as I took it from him.
"You wanna sit down?" I asked him, nodding at our still-empty chairs nearby. "Since you don't seem to want to go anywhere on your own, you might as well be comfortable."
"I just worry," he said quietly, sitting down next to me.
"You don't need to worry."
"Yeah, I do," he said. "You scared the shit out of me, Joey." I must have looked surprised at that because he nodded his head solemnly. "I didn't know what the hell was going to happen, if you were ever going to be okay."
"Well, I am."
"Are you? Hell, I'm not even sure I know you anymore, Joey." His voice had gotten louder, but not so loud that the conversation was no longer private.
"You don't," I said, looking him in the eye. "But that's okay 'cause I don't either. I guess we're all going to have to figure it out."
"I don't wanna figure it out. I just want my friend back."
I closed my eyes. "Shit, Justin, I don't even know what to say to that. I mean, are you sure you want him back? Do you remember how it was at the end?"
"I remember," he said, quietly again. "Before that, I meant."
"Just..." I said, then paused.
"What?"
"I'm working on that, okay? It's just...it's not easy." I closed my eyes again and tried to keep the feeling of hopelessness from washing over me. The enormity of that undertaking was sometimes just too much.
"I know. I'm sorry," he said. "You want me to back off?"
"I don't know," I admitted. "Maybe a little."
He nodded. "I'm going for a swim, then. I won't be far."
I had to smile a little. "I didn't figure you would be."
I watched as he stripped off his shirt and dove right in to the pool, swimming to where JC and Lance had already begun splashing around. It was pretty cool to see everyone acting like kids again. We don't do that much...or at least we didn't. I guess I don't really know what they all do with their time now.
They stopped splashing for a moment and I could see Justin telling them something. Lance looked up at me and smiled, but JC just nodded at what Justin was saying. It was obviously about me, but it was easier that Justin tell them than me go through it again and again. Maybe not better, but easier.
Lance gave me a small wave before the three of them started goofing off again. I liked Lance. I always had. He was just one of the nicest guys you could ever hope to have as your friend. I figured he would have taken this opportunity--me being alone for the first time today--to come up and talk to me, but Justin had probably just warned him and JC to stay away for a while.
Which was fine. There would be plenty of time for us later.
I got up out of my chair and moved in closer to the pool, taking my time to say hi to people along the way, to accept a burger and try and get the whole thing down, even though it tasted impossibly greasy. I'm sure I would have reveled in that once, too.
Finally I sat in a lounge chair by the pool with my iced tea by my side and was content to watch for a long while. After everyone had had their chance to greet me, to touch me and feel I was real, I was being let alone, more or less.
But I could feel the watchful eyes on me. With every sip I took of my drink, I knew they were wondering if I'd slipped something into it. Like I would have before. Their eyes made me nervous, made me want it even more.
"Joey, you coming in?"
"Nah, I'm fine out here," I told JC, waving my hand for him to go back to his fun. The water looked nice, but I got this cold feeling inside when I thought about joining everyone in there. Maybe Chris would want to help me get the pool in shape back at my place so I could go in on my own sometime.
I heard a creaking noise beside me and noticed that Chris had taken over the other lounge chair. "How's it going?" he asked me casually.
I shrugged. "Another hour or so and I'll be ready to take off. I figured it'd be polite to wait until dark."
"Sounds good," he nodded, taking a sip of his drink. He left me alone to my thoughts then, but remained close enough that I'd know he was there. Funny how Chris, the man-child, the goofy one, was the only one who instinctively understood what I needed.
Almost everyone was around the pool now, either swimming, enjoying the barbecue, or being lectured about how long to wait to swim after eating. JC and Just were, of course, still in the pool. I swear, they're both part amphibian. Lance was now enjoying a burger over on the other side of the lawn, talking to his parents.
I was a little hurt my parents hadn't come, but I knew it wasn't because they didn't want to see me. My being in rehab had taken its toll on their lives, too, and they deserved this time away. I just wished, deep inside, that they'd picked a better time for it.
I closed my eyes and just let myself enjoy the sunlight on my body. I wasn't in great shape right now--I'd been eating well, for the first time in a long time, but not exercising much--but I'd stripped off my shirt anyway. My body'd gotten a little pale and I wanted to look healthier when they started up the tour again.
"God, Joe," laughed Chris as I stretched my arms out and smiled to myself. "You'd think you hadn't seen daylight in weeks."
"Feels like it," I said quietly.
"You'd have us think you were all locked up in a cell all this time," he went on. "I was there, Joey. I saw the place. The gardens were especially nice."
"I had other things on my mind," I said flatly.
"I guess you did," he agreed. I wasn't sure what he'd been trying to do. It wasn't like I'd been staying in a fucking country club, for Christ's sake. And yeah, there *were* a few times when I hadn't been able to leave my 'cell'. And if I wanted to sit in my room and stare out the window and think about all the fucking stupid things I'd done over the past year or two, well, I think I was entitled.
"Joey, how you doing?"
Uncle Tony. My God, what was he doing here? My family probably called and asked him to come. Some kind of proxy. I could smell the liquor on his breath, and was both drawn to it and repulsed by it. I froze.
"Hey, Joey, you want me to get you another iced tea?" Chris was at my side, his hand on my shoulder. I looked up at him and our eyes caught.
"Uh, yeah," I said, never more thankful for an empty glass. "Why don't I come with you?"
"Sure," he said with a smile.
"Nice to see you, Uncle Tony," I said as I stood. "Thanks for coming." I followed Chris around the side of the house to the deserted kitchen and placed my empty glass on the counter.
"Christ, I could smell that guy from where I was sitting," he muttered.
"Chris?"
"Yeah?" he replied, sticking his head in the fridge and rummaging around.
"Chris," I repeated, a little louder. He stood up and looked at me over the fridge door. "Was that me? Before?"
"Oh, Joey," he said, closing the fridge and pulling me into a hug. "Shit, how come you had to ask that?" I let him hold me for a long time, even though I knew he was avoiding answering the question, because it felt so damn good.
"It was, wasn't it," I said finally as we pulled apart.
"Only sometimes," he said softly.
"I want to go home."
He nodded. "Okay. Just let me tell a couple people we're heading off. Wait here, okay."
I waited, watching out the window over the kitchen sink as he narrowly avoided being pulled into the water by Justin. Chris talked to him for a second, then Justin nodded and turned to JC to pass on the word. I lost sight of him as he--I assumed--went to talk to Lance. He was back within five minutes.
"Here," he said, handing me the shirt that I'd left beside the pool. "JC said we can take the Jeep again. Let's get out of here." I pulled the shirt on quickly and followed him out of the house, looking at my shoes and avoiding talking to the dozen people we passed between the kitchen and the front door.
"That was your uncle?" he asked me once we were on the road again.
"Yeah," I replied. "Uncle Tony. I don't think you guys have met him before. I guess my parents must have told him about the party, otherwise he would have known not to be drinking."
"How did you know we...? I mean, I don't think I told you..."
"Oh please, Chris. It was rather obvious. I was expecting it, actually. There's no way in hell you guys are going to let me be around alcohol for a while. I know that."
"No sense tempting fate," he said after a length pause.
"I know. I appreciate it. I know I can't be trusted right now."
"Joey--"
"No, Chris," I interrupted him. "I can't. Let's face that. It's gonna take a while."
"Yeah, maybe," he agreed. "I'm glad we got out of there, by the way. I was looking for an excuse."
"Seriously?"
"A party's not a party when all of our parents and management are there," he said with a grin. "When you're up for it, we'll have a real one. With whoever you want to be there. Deal?"
"You're on," I told him, knowing it might be a long time before I wanted to do that.
Though he'd spent a lot of time with me over the past while, we hadn't talked about much of consequence. Hadn't been able to. I'd told him some of how I was feeling, but mostly he was just there when I needed not to be alone. One of the things he knew, though, was how hard crowds were for me now. That was something I was gonna have to get past real fast, if I wanted to start performing again.
He pulled into my driveway soon after that and killed the engine, helping me get my things out of the Jeep even though they weren't any more trouble now than they had been when we'd put them in.
"You are going to stay for a while, right?" I said as we entered the house.
"If you want me to." Chris dropped my suitcase by the front door and followed me into the living room. I tossed my backpack onto the couch and turned to him.
"I wouldn't have offered if I didn't," I told him. "But don't stay if you don't want to. Your choice."
He grinned at me. "I want to stay. I really don't want to head back to Justin's yet."
I nodded, pleased. He wasn't just staying to humor me. "Are you hungry? Thirsty? Um, not that I have anything to offer you, but I'm sure we can call for something."
"Don't worry," said Chris. "I stocked it up a little for you last night. Just some drinks and some frozen stuff in case you needed a midnight snack. Figured you could handle the rest of it yourself." He turned back and smiled at me conspiratorially. "Made a pitcher of iced tea, too. You can thank me later."
I laughed and went to the fridge, pouring myself some more iced tea and grabbing a can of Coke for Chris.
"Hey, Joe, you wanna do something dumb with me?" asked Chris, joining me in the kitchen.
"This doesn't involve three hundred packages of Jell-O and my swimming pool, does it?" I asked, trying to look serious as I handed him the Coke.
He laughed. "Nope, I'm saving that for later. I was just thinking you'd maybe wanna sit out back and watch the sunset with me." He shrugged a little sheepishly as he opened the Coke and was obviously waiting for me to say something.
"Yeah, sure," I said. "I still got those chairs out there?"
"Oh!" he said. "I brought those down to the basement when we got all that rain last month. You know, just in case. Let me just go down and get them." He handed me the Coke and bolted down the basement stairs, jabbing the light switch as he went.
"Uh, you want any help?" I called after him, but he was long gone. I set the drink down on the kitchen counter and opened up the nearby patio door, stepping out on my back deck for the first time. I'd bought the leather lounge chairs on a whim about two months before I'd gone into rehab; they were extremely impractical but they were the most comfortable pieces of furniture that I owned.
Chris came outside a moment later, grunting under the strain of the chair. He set it down awkwardly by the door and stood up straight, stretching the kinks out of his back.
"Let me get the other one," I offered, heading back inside. Chris stopped me at the door with an arm.
"Nah, I can get it. I need to get back in shape for when the tour kicks up again. I think I've been slacking."
I rolled my eyes. "All the more reason for me to get it. You think I can get through even one of our dance routines right now?" Chris took another moment to catch his breath, then pushed me down into the chair.
"We'll worry about that next week. Be right back." He took off down the basement again, so I got up and moved the chair into a better position further down the deck. I sat back down on it and looked out over my yard. Someone had been taking good care of it; the grass was short, the pool was in good shape, and the bushes were trimmed. There were even some flowers peeking up along the edge of the house.
"Hey Chris, you hire me a gardener or something?" I asked, hearing the grunts and the thud that signaled his arrival.
"What? No, just a maid every Friday. Why, you like the yard?"
"Yeah," I replied, still admiring it.
"I had some free time. Thought it could use some sprucing up." He pushed the chair into position next to mine and sat down on it.
"You? You did this?" I asked, turning to him incredulously.
"What, you like it less now that you know it was me?" he teased.
"No, I just..." I looked out at the yard again. "Thanks."
"It gave me something to do those first couple weeks," he admitted softly. "After that it was just, you know, maintenance."
We sat in silence for the next few minutes. I figured Chris was thinking about the same things I was, about how it had been that first while. I still didn't really know much of what had gone on over the past couple of months. They'd all kept me pretty much sheltered from everything in their lives, both personally and professionally.
"Was it bad?" I asked him finally as the sky started to dim around us. Our eyes were fixed on the shades of orange and pink that began to highlight the horizon. I saw him kinda shrug out of the corner of my eye, but no answer came. "Please, Chris. It's time I knew all the stuff. I want to know."
"Yeah," he admitted. "It was toughest not being able to see you, and knowing that what you were going through had to be pretty painful for you. Both physically and psychologically. I mean...I can't say I know what it was like for you. But I can imagine."
I didn't want to talk about what it had been like for me. Not yet. "But what about the other stuff...I mean, I didn't see much of it, but the press must have had a field day..."
"They did," he said, more quickly than he'd answered before. "For a while. It died down."
"It's gonna kick back up again, though, isn't it," I said quietly, still staring at the sky.
"You know about the press conference?"
I nodded. "Day after tomorrow. At least I get one day to myself." That was something I was trying to push out of my mind. The inevitable press conference where I talked about what had happened and where I'd been and what was going to happen in the future. I was already dreading it.
"We should think about getting together tomorrow, the five of us, to talk about what we're gonna say," suggested Chris tentatively.
"Yeah," I agreed. "I kinda wanted to do that anyway. I mean, thanks for today and all, but I want to spend some time with my friends, you know? Maybe you and me can cook up some steaks, make an evening of it. Um...if you don't mind coming by early."
"I don't mind," he said easily. "I've been spending a bit of time here lately anyway. I hope you don't mind."
"Nah, it's good that someone was using the place."
"Which reminds me, do you want the keys to the place back? I have them on me..." Chris began reaching into his pocket, but I lay my hand on his arm to stop him.
"Keep them. You might be needing them." I grinned at him. "Who else am I gonna find to take care of my yard?" He half-laughed and half-snorted at that. "So how goes the house hunting?"
"Not so well," he admitted. "I can't seem to find a place I like, and Dani's not thrilled with me finding a place in Orlando in the first place."
"She's not moving in with you?"
"I know we talked about it, but we both decided we didn't want that. Not right now."
I was surprised. Chris and Danielle had been together a long time now, and isn't that what people did when they've been dating a long time? I suppose I'd been jumping to conclusions though...Chris had never actually *said* to me that they were getting a house together.
"You wouldn't leave Orlando, would you?"
"Nah," he admitted. "The place has kinda grown on me, and where would I be if I couldn't go see my best friends whenever I wanted to?"
"Good," I said. "I'd miss you."
"I'd miss you too, Joe."
"So you're still stuck in Justin's spare room, huh." I jibed him to lighten up the mood a little.
"Horror of horrors," he laughed. "I'm kinda used to it though. It's been a long time."
"I live with Just for enough days out of the year," I said. "I can't imagine having to come home to him, too. I mean, don't get me wrong, he's a great kid, but I think we'd drive one another nuts."
"You would!" agreed Chris. "Me and Just, though, we're tight. It's been cool. It's just...I'm almost thirty. I think it's past time for a place of my own again."
There wasn't much to say to that so we both fell silent again. A few minutes later the sun was completely gone beneath the horizon and the bright colors in the sky had begun to fade to gray.
"So," I said finally. "I want to know everything that you guys haven't told me for the last two months."
"Everything?" he repeated.
"That much, huh," I said, nodding my head. It was the response I'd been expecting.
"No...not really," he said. "Joey...you know were weren't supposed to--weren't *allowed* to--"
"I know," I told him. "That's why I'm asking now. I've been waiting a long time to ask, Chris."
"Yeah, okay," he said. "I'm just trying to figure out where to start." I waited patiently for him to begin. He seemed to be trying to rush himself; I figured he wasn't used to getting patience out of me. "Um, well, we can talk about group stuff tomorrow, I think. We've all been kinda shying away from doing anything about that, other than assuring management that yes, we're still together and yes, things'll start happening again when you come back to us."
"I'm back," I reminded him.
"I know." He smiled at me, and I let him go on. "I think JC and Justin have been writing songs for the new album, though, so we'll have something to work on when we get some studio time. Justin's been spending some time with Brit on her tour, so of course the tabloids had something else to jump on."
"Have they admitted they're dating yet?"
Chris shrugged. "Probably not. I don't blame them. It took me a long time to acknowledge that me and Dani were together, and she's not a pop star like Brit. Those two have a tough road ahead."
"Hope they don't get lost," I muttered. I think Chris heard, but he didn't say anything.
"Lance has been busy with his management company. I think he signed a couple new acts, but I haven't really talked to him much. He went home to Mississippi for a while. He was...he was hit pretty hard when you went in, Joe. I think being around his family helped him through that."
I nodded, silently. I knew how much havoc I'd caused in my friends' lives. I just didn't know how to make it up to them yet.
"Oh!" said Chris. "I bet JC didn't tell you that he has a boyfriend now. Finally."
"Really?" I said, intrigued. "It's about time. Who is it?"
"This guy Tate. He was an intern at Jive." He calmed my alarmed look with a laugh. "Don't worry, it's all legit. His internship ended about a month ago and they started dating about a week after that. It's cute."
"Is JC happy?"
Chris rolled his eyes. "Ecstatically."
I nodded. "I figured he would be. I mean, I know he kept telling us that he was bisexual and all, but I never saw him look really happy with any of the girls he dated. Not that I don't think people can be bisexual or anything, I just...don't think JC is."
"No," said Chris. "He's definitely gay. I think he even said as much to Justin after him and Tate got together, but I haven't talked to him about it much."
"I'm sure management is thrilled."
Chris laughed. "He definitely got a good talking-to from PR. You know the one. The 'relationship' talk, with a few extras I'm sure."
"Yeah," I muttered. "I'm sure they gave it to me over Daisy. Not like I remember much."
Chris was silent for a moment, chewing on that comment, then decided just to move on with the original topic. "I don't know how it's all going to work out for them. I guess JC'll talk to us about it when he's ready to."
"They're still in the honeymoon stage, huh."
"If you're going to be spending any time with them, I'd invest in earplugs," he said solemnly, then turned to me and cracked a smile. I smiled back at him, but my thoughts were on Daisy now and I guess he knew it. "You still think about her, Joe?"
"Every day," I said solemnly. "I...Chris, I'm not sure I'm ready to talk about this. Not with anyone except Karen."
"Do you want to try? Cause I'm here, Joey, and I'm not going anywhere." I looked into his earnest face and realized that he was being honest. The hyper, goofy Chris hadn't quite gone the way of the happy, flirty Joey, but he'd been pushed aside to make room for someone calm and mature enough to just listen for a while.
"I...yeah," I said, wringing my hands nervously. "But...this is just between you and me, okay? Not even the other guys. Just...not yet."
"Hey, it's okay," said Chris, touching my arm briefly. "I promise."
I took a deep breath. "It'd be so easy to blame her for everything. I did for a while, too. I mean, the worst of it started after we got together...she let me do anything. She'd do it with me, get me to try new things. She'd goad me on. But...it's not her fault. I was already doing all the stuff without her."
"We all were, Joey."
"Yeah, but it was already getting out of control. She was...she was just the thing that pushed me over the edge. I was still responsible for everything that happened." Chris didn't argue with that, which was easier to take than I thought it would be. He was being honest, and that meant more to me than any platitudes he might have to offer. "She came to see me once."
"She what?" exclaimed Chris, almost shooting out of his seat. "Dammit, they had explicit instructions not to let her in..."
"She gave them my cousin's name, Chris," I said, sounding more calm than I was feeling. "I'm surprised she even remembered it. And she showed up sober, more or less, which made her pretty unrecognizable in the first place."
"Why did she come?"
"I don't know," I admitted. "We hardly said anything. I almost felt like she just came to look at me, to see what the place was doing to me. She told me she was moving back to Minnesota to be near her parents again."
"So that's where she went," mused Chris. "I saw her around a couple times. You know, after. But then suddenly she disappeared and no one's seen her for over a month."
"Yeah, that sounds about right."
"You, uh, think she's gone clean?"
"No," I admitted. There was no way. Not Daisy. Not without someone tying her down and forcing her, and even then I don't know that she wouldn't have found a way to get out of it. The withdrawal for her would have been agony. She'd always been into more stuff that I was. I'd drawn the line at heroin--there was just no way I was going to start shooting up, no matter what--but she'd taken to it like a duck to water.
"Why do you think about her so much, Joey?"
I covered my face with my hands and shook my head a little. "This all started with her. I mean...she was the beginning of the end. Before we got together, the shit is did was just, you know, little. But after...all the stuff that happened..." I could feel tears coming to my eyes and resisted them with everything I had. I didn't let the guys see me cry. I just didn't.
I felt Chris' fingers on my wrist, pulling my hand away from my face and forcing me to look at him. I feared pity, but there was only...he cared about me. He really did.
"This is the stuff you talk to your therapist about?"
I nodded and bit my lip to help halt the tears. "Her name's Karen. And yeah...this is some of it. Chris..." I began, then lost the words I was trying to capture. "God...everything that I did...everything that happened...I'm so sorry." I couldn't stop them now. The whole time I was in rehab I never cried in from of any of them and here I was, my first day out, breaking down in front of my best friend. "I'm just so fucking sorry!"
He was out of his seat and had his arms wrapped around me right before the first sob escaped. "Go ahead," he whispered as he held me. "I'm here, Joey, and it's just you and me." I couldn't have stopped if I tried, but his words made it easier to let go. I don't know how long I sobbed on his shoulder, but it was long enough that the sky was dark when I opened my eyes again and I didn't have any tears left. The front of Chris' shirt was soaked.
"Better?" he asked, giving me a lopsided smile.
I had to laugh a little, still sniffling. "Yeah, better," I confessed. "Thanks."
"Hey, what are best friends for?" He sat back down on the edge of his own chair, but he held out his hand for me in case I wanted to take it. I did.
"We should get back inside," I said, after a long moment. "It's starting to get chilly out here."
"It's not so bad," said Chris, but he stood up and we headed back inside anyway, closing the patio doors and drawing the blinds across them for some additional privacy. "Hey, my Coke!" he exclaimed as we passed the kitchen. He snatched it off the counter and downed it in one gulp, letting go of my hand in the process.
He dropped the empty can back on the counter, laying precariously on its side, and turned back to me, taking both my hands in his this time. "Are you going to be all right tonight, Joey?"
I nodded; my eyes were still red and somewhat watery, but my hands were trapped and I couldn't wipe or hide them. "I'm just going to relax," I told him. "Get used to home. Get used to being on my own again."
"Is it easier at home?"
I looked around as he asked that. "Yeah," I said finally. "I can think here. I can be alone and I don't have to pretend anything."
He looked satisfied. "I should be getting back, then," he said quietly. "Just so you know, though...you don't have to pretend anything when I'm around, either."
"I know," I said, pulling him into a hug. "Thank you."
"If you need anything, just call. You know where to find me."
I nodded as we walked back through the house to the front door. "Oh, and Chris?"
"Yeah?"
"We both need to get back into shape. You wanna go running tomorrow morning?"
"Running?" he repeated blankly.
"Yeah, running. You know, that thing we find you doing around hotel hallways when you need to burn off some energy?"
He grinned. "Sure, what time?"
"I dunno. Six. Whenever you get here. There's a park not too far away that we can go to." The park held a lot of mixed memories for me, but maybe going there with Chris would help swing that balance towards the good.
"All right. Take care of yourself, Joey."
He stepped out into the night and I locked the door after him.